Chapter Text
Hol' Up We Dem Whores
Peachy Boi: I need someone to look at me as disgusted as Sasuke looks at Sakura but rail me in the way Sasuke would fuck Naruto
Yeontan's Dad: Jimin it's 4 in the morning
Yeontan's Dad: Also how dare you assume Naruto is a bottom
Yeontan's Dad: Also also what happened to that one beefy guy at the gym?
Peachy Boi: He hasn't come back in like two weeks
Shoulder God: it's cause he started doing pilates to impress some girls for his YouTube
Peachy Boi: You've known about his YouTube channel all this time and decided not to tell anyone?????
Shoulder God: I thought with the way you stalked his IG you'd know this??
Peachy Boi: I MOST DEFINITELY DO NOT STALK HIS INSTAGRAM
Shoulder God: So you're saying you haven't been keeping up with his thirst traps?
Yeontan's Dad: I fucking have cause GAH DAMN
Yeontan's Dad: MOTHERFUCKER GOT AN ASS THAT DON'T QUIT AND IM BEST FRIENDS WITH THE FATTEST ASS IN KOREA
Shoulder God: awww you're so sweet
Peachy Boi: Bitch that was not about you and you know it
Shoulder God: I'm dming Wonho and asking why he stopped working out at the same gym as you and that you miss him and want him to come back so you can rail him
Peachy Boi: okay FIRST OF ALL I would NEVER rail that man he'd be railing ME.
Peachy Boi: SECOND OF ALL I do not miss him I barely spoke to him.
Peachy Boi: THIRD OF ALL IF GIYUU TOMIOKA DOESN'T RAIL ME I WILL DIE A VERY UNHAPPY MAN
Yeontan's Dad: Are you just switching back and forth between anime or???
Peachy Boi: No I was thinking of all the anime boys that are my type
Peachy Boi: I could be watching anime if I wasn't at work though :(
Shoulder God: No one told you to work the graveyard shift at that coffee shop
Peachy Boi: You know I have night owl tendencies how dare you
Yeontan's Dad: I mean who's even in there? It's four in the damn morning
Peachy Boi: Well a girl's been in here since 11 last night and rn she's crying while doing her math homework
Shoulder God: Go give her a muffin or something omg
Peachy Boi: I've been making her a new drink every time she finishes hers and I gave her a sandwich like 20 mins ago
Yeontan's Dad: Awwww what an angel
Peachy Boi: There's also a guy passed out in a booth with some text book in front of him
Yeontan's Dad: So two people?
Peachy Boi: Yeth
Yeontan's Dad: then watch anime and stop bothering us bitch
Yeontan's Dad: it's four in the fucking morning I'm tired
Peachy Boi: Shut the fuck up I know you're probably hobbling out of some guys apartment with your eyeliner smudged
Yeontan's Dad: .........
Peachy Boi: Exactly. Slut
Shoulder God: I'm making muffins
Peachy Boi: I'm opening up Crunchyroll
Peachy Boi: Which boy should I thirst over at work 😈
Yeontan's Dad: Well who are the options cause your "I want to fuck this animated character list" changes every day
Peachy Boi: We got most of the male cast of Naruto, Giyuu, Inosuke, Jotaro Kujo, Zuko (I know he's not an anime character leave me alone), and last but not least Kagejhad vghm894bgjkdbvj --wersjkh
Shoulder God: I have never heard of Kagejhad vghm894bgjkdbvj --wersjkh please send a picture
Yeontan's Dad: Did he drop his phone or something??
Shoulder God: Maybe someone's robbing the cash register
Yeontan's Dad: Before me? What the fuck
Shoulder God: I'm sure he's fine
Yeontan's Dad: Yeah me too
Peachy Boi: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES WERE GONNA LET ME GET ROBBED?????
Shoulder God: YOU ACTUALLY GOT ROBBED?!?!???!?!?!
Peachy Boi: NO BUT THAT WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN WHAT JUST HAPPENED
Yeontan's Dad: Fuck happened?
Peachy Boi: SOME HOT TATTOOED GUY CAME IN THE SHOP AND HE'S WEARING ALL BLACK, MASK AND EVERYTHING AND HE ASKS IN LIKE DEEP VOICE IF HE CAN GET SOME COFFEE AND MARBLE LOAF AND I WAS SHAKING THE WHOLE TIME
Shoulder God: Not you convulsing at work over a random stranger
Yeontan's Dad: How do you know he's hot if he was wearing a mask?
Peachy Boi: IF THAT MAN DRESSES LIKE THAT, HAS A VOICE THAT NICE, IS THAT TATTOOED AND BUILT BUT UGLY I WILL PAPER BAG THAT SHIT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
Shoulder God: is he still there?
Peachy Boi: YES HE WOKE UP THE SLEEPING GUY AND NOW THEY'RE TALKING
Yeontan's Dad: Go look at his face you horny bitch
Peachy Boi: Nope cause if I collapse in front of him he'll never want to fuck me
Shoulder God: OR you fall, he sees your wagon, he's like GOD DAMN, and then asks for your number
Yeontan's Dad: Doubtful. Jimin looks dumb ass fuck when he falls
Joon's Goons
Joon: Exciting news today
Joon: Jungkook finally talked to his crush
Yoon: The one with the fat ass?
Joon: He has another crush?
Yoon: I mean no just wanted to make sure it was the same guy
Jungoon: Excuse you he's more than his fat ass 😡
Yoon: That is the only feature you ever talk about 😑
Jungoon: Words can't describe his beauty
Yoon: It can describe his ass though
Yoon: Also the guy's literally a barista giving him your order doesn't count
Joon: No no
Joon: This motherfucker used his fake deep voice
Yoon: the fucking what?
Jungoon: I THOUGHT YOU WERE ASLEEP YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD
Joon: I should be an acting major huh?
Yoon: God no
Joon: Well that hurt my feelings so I'm not gonna tell you the rest
Yoon: Oh no what ever will I do without the knowledge of Jungkook's deep voice encounter with the barista
Joon: ....
Jungoon: I can't believe he was pretending to be asleep
Yoon: I'm pretty sure it wasn't hard to tell he was faking you were just preoccupied with ass
Jungoon: I feel like I'm really shallow
Yoon: Cause you talked about his ass?
Jungoon: Yeah... I feel like we're objectifying him or something
Yoon: Nah Jimin wouldn't care
Jungoon: how do you know his name??
Yoon: who?
Joon: 😳
Jungoon: You know him?!?!?!?
Yoon: nope.
Jungoon: YOU KNOW THE GUY I HAVE A CRUSH ON AND YOU'VE JUST BEEN LISTENING TO ME COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW I CAN'T TALK TO HIM
Joon: and how beautiful you think he is, and how nice is ass is, and how his laugh makes your heart skip a beat, and how his hands are so tiny and cute you want to hold them forever and never let go
Jungoon: STOP OH MY GOD
Yoon: Not gonna lie forgot about those scenarios thanks Joon
Jungoon: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT
Hol' Up We Dem Whores
Peachy Boi: hey how do I trip in front of hot guy in a way that looks natural but also allows me to land in a Yaoi-ish position
Shoulder God: You legit said you weren't going to
Peachy Boi: Yeah then I saw his side profile and god DAMN
Yeontan's Dad: Send pics
Peachy Boi: omgggg bae stop 🙈🙈🙈
Yeontan's Dad: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT
Peachy Boi: 😈 ANYGAY, he's not turning this way anymore and I wouldn't be able to get a picture of him without walking around the counter and how the fuck am I gonna make that look natural
Yeontan's Dad: act like you're looking for cell service
Peachy Boi: Taehyung this is a coffeeshop
Yeontan's Dad: Okay?
Peachy Boi: You're not gonna think about it for a second?
Yeontan's Dad: No? It's a solid plan. Walk around the counter and hold up your phone like you need service
Shoulder God: Tae the coffeeshop has free wifi
Yeontan's Dad: I see.
Shoulder God: Have you been using your data every time you're in there?
Yeontan's Dad: Definitely not.
Shoulder God:
Shoulder God: Why are you like this?
Peachy Boi: Maybe his common sense got fucked out of him
Yeontan's Dad: I wish. Maybe then I wouldn't have to think about my residency next week
Peachy Boi: boohoo my name's Kim Taehyung and I'm going to be a doctor 😫
Yeontan's Dad: Yeah and when you fall trying to impress this guy and crack your head open I'm gonna make sure they don't treat you
Peachy Boi: It starts next week bitch good luck
Yeontan's Dad: I could give you $100 right now and you still wouldn't do it
Shoulder God: OH SHITTTTTT A CHALLENGEEEEE
Yeontan's Dad: go for it Min, $100 right now
Peachy Boi: y'know what? I gotta put out some new pastries
Shoulder God: I knew it
Shoulder God: Hoseok you owe me $10
Our Hope: Why you gotta rat me out?
Peachy Boi: You've been here the whole time?
Our Hope: I'm always here I'm just too lazy to respond
Yeontan's Dad: Hobi hyung: a dance major Also Hobi hyung: laziest motherfucker in the world
Our Hope: and don't you ever forget it
Peachy Boi: I was getting bullied and you just let it happen?? You wound me Jung Hoseok.
Our Hope: To be fair I woke up like 5 mins ago
Shoulder God: You legit just said you've been here the whole time
Our Hope: Well yeah in spirit
Yeontan's Dad: Okay Jesus
Our Hope: Excuse me? My English name is Charles. 😠
Yeontan's Dad: Fucking what? Actually back up minute Jesus is hispanic you idiot.
Our Hope: Okay? Didn't stutter.
Peachy Boi: Why Charles?
Our Hope: Sounds fancy.
Shoulder God: I'm going to hope he's fucking with us
Our Hope: Why would I have an English name if I can't even speak English? 😐
Peachy Boi: Diversity? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Our Hope: If I wanted diversity I would've used one of those weird American names
Our Hope: Anyway back to sleep have fun with your boy crisis
Yeontan's Dad: and just as soon as he appeared he disappears back into the dark
Shoulder God: The enigma that is Jung Hoseok, will we ever know where he goes?
Peachy Boi: and other questions no one cares about next time on This Groupchat Fucking Sucks ☺️
Joon’s Goons
Joon: Jungkook’s sitting here staring at the barista with a pained look on his face
Yoon: he looks constipated huh?
Joon: yeah like a sad, devastated, constipated puppy
Yoon: I should text Jimin, ask how he’s doing
Jungoon: YOU BETTER NOT
Jungoon: STOP PLAYING DUMB HOW DONYOU KNOW HIM
Yoon: Know who?
Jungoon: this isn’t funny
Yoon: I don't recall telling a joke
Yoon: Did I say something comical Joon?
Joon: I don't recall reading anything particularly humorous
Jungoon: I'm getting new friends you guys fucking suck
Yoon: You could try it
Joon: Broke ass bitch
Yoon: Little raggedy broke bitch
Joon: Little I dress in all black to look emo but it's actually cause I found out black retains heat and I'm cold all the time cause I have anemia ass bitch
Yoon: I mean shit if we going there
Yoon: Little platform shoes owning cause the freshman are taller than me and I feel intimidated ass bitch
Jungoon: STOP JESUS! I WONT GET NEW FRIENDS MY GOD
Yoon: yeah I thought so little shit head
Jungoon: Why am I getting bullied rn
Jungoon: I just wanted some coffee and some marble loaf
Joon: Lies you wanted to look at ass
Joon: *the cute boy whose smile is like sunshine
Joon: My b forgot you don't wanna objectify him
Yoon: Even though Jimin likes to brag about that WAGON
Jungoon: STOP PRETENDING YOU DON'T KNOW HIM AND TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON
Yoon: Nope I'm sleepy
Yoon: Goodnight Joon
Joon: Night hyung
Yoon: have a night Goon
Jungoon: THIS IS BECAUSE IM TALLER THAN YOU HUH
Yoon: hmmm I should call Jimin before I go to bed
Jungoon: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE YOU
Hol' Up We Dem Whores
Peachy Boi: cute boy looks distressed should I give him another piece of marble loaf 🥺
Yeontan's Dad: CAN YOU LEAVE US ALONE FOR THREE MINUTES
Peachy Boi: I HAVE THREE FRIENDS AND THEY'RE ALL IN THIS CHAT WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO
Yeontan's Dad: I JUST SAID LEAVE ME ALONE FOR THREE MINUTES
Peachy Boi: YOU KNOW WHAT
(Peachy Boi removed Yeontan's Dad from the chat)
Shoulder God: HELLO?!?!??!
Peachy Boi: He was being mean
Peachy Boi: Back to what I was saying
Peachy Boi: do I give cute boy food?
Shoulder God: Yeth and then throw in your number to be a lil spicy 🥴
Peachy Boi: we are taking BABY STEPS
Shoulder God: Booooo
Our Hope: Why did Taehyung just FaceTime me crying
Peachy Boi: What a baby
Our Hope: he demands to be added back
Peachy Boi: Just put your phone on dnd and go back to sleep hyung don't worry bout him ☺️
Our Hope: Okie. Goodnight.
Our Hope: Again.
Shoulder God: I think he might call me next
Peachy Boi: it's either that or he runs here in his pajamas and cries on the counter until I add him back
Shoulder God: We're lucky he decided to not go into acting
Peachy Boi: The world would've never known peace
Shoulder God: less texting more delivering food to cute boy
Peachy Boi: yeth thir