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The most painful part of it all was that he heard about Deku’s engagement from Kirishima.
A casual mention from Kirishima after a mission that went particularly well. Bakugou can remember the exact way Kirishima had said it too, offhandedly, as if Deku had already told him about it and this was just something normal to him. In fact, Bakugou had not heard the news that his childhood friend/person he’s been in love with since forever was getting married. Therefore, he took it particularly hard.
Bakugou remembers making it back to his apartment after the mission debrief, stripping his hero armor clumsily and throwing it haphazardly around his entryway before he falls to his knees. The fall hurts less than it should. Bakugou can feel his face getting hot, small pops! of explosions in his palms. His breathing becomes labored and erratic, as if his lungs were refusing to use the air around them to breathe. The world was spinning on without Bakugou Katsuki and he didn’t know if he ever wanted to return to it.
The tears came rapidly, in fat droplets that reminded him of all the days that he and Deku, then Midoriya Izuku, would play in the rain puddles on the sidewalk. Bakugou’s vision blurred until all he could see was the dull blobs of the gray that painted the walls and furniture of his apartment. Married. Midoriya Izuku is getting married, all before Bakugou Katsuki has a chance to tell him he’s so deeply, madly in love.
Bakugou rubbed the tears away with the back of his hand, cringing at the pathetic sob that crawled its way out of his throat. It shouldn’t have been there. He’s Dynamight, for fucks sake. Dynamight doesn’t collapse onto his apartment floor in tears because the love of his life has chosen someone else.
Bakugou ignored his own advice. The tears continued for longer than he’d ever admit to himself.
Eventually, Deku does tell him about his announcement. It’s later that evening, when Bakugou has finally gotten his lame self off of the floor, cleaned up his armor, and changed into more comfortable lounge clothes. He had eaten and tucked himself into bed, a thick book in hand. It’s a classic novel from the old days, Pride and Prejudice . He’d never admit that he’s read it more than once for a school assignment, though. It’s too mushy for that. But his own copy sits dustless on his nightstand often.
While turning the page, his phone buzzes with a call. Normally Bakugou hates it when his phone rings in the middle of him reading a good book and this case is no different. He reaches over to decline the call, but when the flushed face of Midoriya Izuku greets him, he shuts his book at an embarrassingly fast pace.
“Hey, shitty Deku,” Bakugou says. “The fuck do you want at this hour?”
“Kacchan, hey! How have you been?” Izuku’s positive voice beams out at him from his cell phone speaker.
“Fine. I’d be doing much better if you let me get back to bed, though.”
“Ah, sorry about that! I keep forgetting that you’ve been going to bed at the same time since you were 8.”
Bakugou can feel the corners of his lips unwillingly tilt upwards at the comment.”Yeah, whatever. What is it that you want?”
Izuku pauses for a moment, gathering his thoughts. “I actually have some news to share with you. Pretty big one actually. Um, god this is so exciting but I proposed last weekend to Ochako and well...she said yes!” Izuku’s voice is loud and happy and brilliant and all Bakugou can feel is empty. Guilt gnaws at his chest. These feelings of affection shouldn’t be here for someone so far away from his reach.
Somehow, Bakugou musters the words and courage to reply moderately well. “Holy shit, Deku! Congratulations,” he says, pouring as much emotion into his words as he can to mask the guilt and selfishness he feels inside. His chest hurts, his heart exploding like a bomb with each moment that passes.
Then Izuku laughs, a beautiful melody that Bakugou knows he only reserves for the best of people. Bakugou feels undeserving of this. If only Deku knew.
“Thank you, really. In your own way, that was very sweet of you, Kacchan.”
“Yeah,” Bakugou breathes, adjusting his sitting position and pressing his phone closer to his ear. “I’m glad you and round face are happy.”
Deku has the audacity to laugh again. Bakugou is so tempted to click the red button at the bottom of his screen to end his misery, but his heart claws at his brain and begs it to keep Deku on the call. Selfishly, he complies.
“Ah, still at it with the nicknames, Kacchan. Are you ever going to let that go?”
“Never in a million years, shitty nerd.”
Deku hums, the shuffling sounds in the background indicating that he is standing up from wherever he was sitting before. “I actually have one more favor to ask you before I let you head to bed, Kacchan.”
This peaks Bakugou’s interest. Whatever else could Midoriya Izuku have left to tell him? He already broke his heart once. There can’t be anything else to make him feel more resentful, can there?
“Well, spit it out then,” Bakugou instructs.
“Actually, I want to ask you t-this in person,” Deku stammers. “I don’t think a favor like this is something I can do over the phone.”
Bakugou lifts an eyebrow, though Deku can’t see him. “Oh? Is it something I should be concerned about?”
“No, no! Not at all, I promise. Can we meet at the coffee shop down the street from your apartment tomorrow afternoon? You know the one.”
“Yes, I do.” Bakugou shifts his position in his bed. “I’ll see you then, shitty Deku.”
“G’night Kacchan!”
Finally, Bakugou can press the big red button on his screen. The call was not as painful as he had expected, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t still cement a deep feeling of dread and regret in his chest. Though also, relief. At least Deku didn’t entirely forget about him. At least Bakugou is still an important person in the amazing life of Midoriya Izuku.
Bakugou puts both his phone and his bookmarked book on his nightstand. The day was long and grueling. It’d be best if he got some rest before whatever the fuck Deku plans on throwing at him tomorrow afternoon. Bakugou prays that it isn’t any worse than the engagement. Then he takes his prayer back.
What kind of person is he, disgruntled and disgusted at the fact that his childhood friend has gotten engaged? Awful, that’s what he is, for being so revolted by the idea of his childhood friend being happy. All Midoriya Izuku deserves is happiness. It’s selfish, so undeniably selfish, to think that Deku needs him in order to be happy. Bakugou flicks off his lights, tucking himself into the warm embrace of his sheets.
Maybe no one needs him in order to be happy.
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Deku gets to the coffee shop before him.
He can see his stupid green hair from a block away, a curly green beacon in a sea of people staring at the pro hero Dynamight as he saunters down the sidewalk. Bakugou’s hands are stuffed into his hoodie pockets, clenched into fists. His least favorite part of being a hero is all the weird looks and stares he gets whenever he tries to do something relatively normal. Yes, he loves the limelight, but there are still times when he wants to be able to do normal people shit without the gawking.
Deku spots him walking and beams, waving his hand to catch Bakugou’s attention. Little does he know Bakugou’s keen eyes have been trained on him this whole time.
“Kacchan! Hey!” Deku greets. “It’s so good to see you.”
Bakugou walks to the outdoor patio of the shop, taking the chair across from Deku. “Hey, Deku. It’s nice to see you too, I guess.”
Deku rolls his eyes. “Ah, you’ve gotten soft, huh?”
“What? No I fucking haven’t!”
Deku stirs his iced coffee with its straw. “I’m just saying, Kacchan. Usually you’d just be like-” Deku puffs out his chest and puts on a dumb expression, “ ‘Oi, the fuck you mean good to see you?’” Deku dissolves into laughter at his own antics and Bakugou uses that opportunity to take him in, all the way from his curly green hair to his bright red sneakers.
Bakugou scoffs. “Yeah, okay. Whatever.”
For some reason, he just notices the cold iced coffee in front of him, a caramel drizzle all over the inside of the glass. “What’s this?”
“Oh! I bought you coffee. I knew your order so I thought I might as well get it before you get here.”
Bakugou feels like he needs a moment to check to make sure he isn’t having a heart attack. “Thanks, Deku.” He takes a sip of the drink, just as sweet and perfect as he prefers it. After he swallows some down, he asks, “What was the favor you wanted to ask me?”
Deku’s face suddenly flushes, his freckles standing out against his pink cheeks. “Um, well, it’s about the wedding. I had a long conversation with my mom and Ochako about this, actually. Of course I wanted to have everything be perfect and there’s a lot of aspects when it comes to wedding planning, you know? Shit, Ochako’s already looking at flowers and stuff and there’s so much to go through it’s ridiculous-”
Bakugou cuts him off. “Unless this is you asking me to plan your wedding for you, which is a no, then please hurry the fuck up.”
Deku laughs nervously, his eyes darting every which way. “Sorry. Just a bit nervous, that’s all.” He takes a sip from his coffee, which probably did the opposite of calming his nerves.
“Will you be my best man, Kacchan?”
The question falls out of Deku’s mouth quickly, like he wants to get rid of it. It spills out onto the table in front of them and stands pretentiously in front of Bakugou, who feels his skin crawl and chest ache. Somehow, Deku managed to corner him with his words, and there is only one way out.
Bakugou puts on his bravest face and gentlest smile. “If that’s what you want, Deku. I’m all yours.”
Deku smiles, exhaling a bit of air from his mouth as he pumps his fists. “Yes! Thank you Kacchan. You have no idea how much this means to me.”
Bakugou shrugs, sucking at the carmel from the bottom of his glass. “I’m excited for the wedding.” He lies through his teeth. He’d do anything to keep Deku’s smile on his face.
“Me too. Thanks again, Kacchan. Really.”
They sit at the coffee shop together for another half hour, chatting about hero work and their personal lives. The afternoon sun is warm and the sky is cloudless. Sometimes, Deku will make small touches as they speak, especially when he finds something Bakugou said particularly amusing or unbelievable. With each contact of his skin, Bakugou can feel a welcome shock course through his body like a river. He can almost pretend this was something more, but always stops himself before getting too far. No point in yearning for the impossible.
When they both stand to leave, Deku gives Bakugou a tight hug. Bakugou returns it, as it is the polite thing to do, before waving him a goodbye. The walk back to his apartment is long and quiet. Bakugou stuffs down any feeling of love or yearning or pain as far down as it can go, using all of his energy to keep it from coming back up again. A few nights he knows it’s hopeless and lets himself indulge in a sob that echoes throughout his empty apartment. But most of the time, Bakugou is stoic. A man whose one and only love is his job. It’s exhausting, but it’s worth it to know that he won’t hurt Deku anytime in the near future. Six months pass by too quickly. Bakugou doesn’t think he’s ready.
The morning of the wedding, a beautiful spring day, Bakugou wakes with a strangely calm feeling in his chest. He climbs out from under his covers groggy, rubbing at his tired eyes. With a quick glance at his phone, he can tell that he woke up a full twenty minutes before his alarm. Not bad, he thinks to himself as he stretches. Normally he’d try to sleep during the extra time, but he knew any attempt at additional sleep would result in failure. Begrudgingly, he drags his feet to his closet where his suit is hanging against the door, pressed and neat. He tries to empty his head as he showers and changes, trying his best to forget his feelings. In the past six months, Bakugou has found that all he needs to do is remind himself that love is a selfish feeling, and suddenly he’s back to being moderately functional. He stares at himself in the mirror, face a little too stern for someone who is about to be the best man at his friend’s wedding. He practices a grin, dropping it quickly after noticing how forced it looks. He quits from there, styling his hair and pinning on the single pink rose before heading to the venue.
They picked a lovely place to get married.
It’s a public garden, one filled to the brim with an assortment of plants, many of which are flowers. As far as the eye can see, there is just a glorious assortment of shades of green. Bakugou finds Deku a little too easily.
“Kacchan!” he waves, already dressed in his suit. He’s glowing, his smile the widest Bakugou has ever seen on him.
“Hey,” is all Bakugou can muster. He kicks himself for it. He should be happier. “You look good.” There. That should be better.
Deku chuckles. “Yeah? I should hope so,” he jokes. “You look great too.”
“Thanks, Deku,” Bakugou grins to the best of his ability. “Do you feel nervous?”
“Yeah, like you won’t believe.” Deku is speaking faster than usual. “Though, I definitely feel more excited than nervous. I am so excited to be her husband, Kacchan, you have no idea.”
Bakugou isn’t sure how he wants to approach that. So he goes with something he knows Deku will agree to. “Do you want a hug?”
Deku nods, wrapping his arms around Bakugou before he can even react. “Thank you, for everything.”
For the first time, Bakugou doesn’t hesitate to hug him back, burying his head in Deku’s shoulder. “Of course. Anything for you, Deku.” And he means it.
Bakugou hates himself for enjoying this hug more than he had hoped. This was the last chance he has to tell him what he wants to say, and he knows it. But he won’t. Because Deku’s happiness matters more than his. Always has, and always will.
Deku pulls away, his cheeks pink. “I’ll see you when we walk down the aisle.”
Bakugou smiles. “Yeah. Don’t trip.”
Deku laughs and walks away, leaving Bakugou with his hands in his pockets and tears in his eyes. Fuck. Not here. He leaves to go to the bathroom. No one notices.
Just as expected, the ceremony is nothing short of breathtaking. Bakugou kept himself together, thank god, when he and Deku walked down the aisle. He took his spot next to Deku faithfully, and watched as Ochako practically floated towards them. If he was told she had used her quirk, he would have believed it. She is beautiful, pink flowers in her hair and sewn into her dress. Her dress is simple, nothing too fancy or elaborate, but she still manages to stand out like a sunflower in a tulip field. The expression on her face is one of finality, as if this day was something that she had been yearning for since forever. In a way, it has been. Bakugou discreetly gets a look at Deku’s face as she approaches. He wears the same expression on his face, even the tears gathering in his eyes can’t spoil his loving expression.
They take each other's hands as the ceremony begins, looking into each other's eyes as if they are the only two people left on Earth. Their vows are soft spoken, and yet heard by everyone in the garden. Deku’s are especially loving, bringing up his first memory of her, how they met. She laughs, crying a little at the embarrassing memory. Oh, how far they have come. He goes on to talk about how he only had eyes for her through UA, and couldn’t believe she said yes when he asked her out their second year. Deku said that his life changed for the better when he met her, and that he couldn’t imagine his future any other way than with her by his side.
His words are so deep and meaningful that it forces the tears Bakugou had pushed deep down to come out. They stream down his cheeks, as with many others in the crowd, as they say “I do”. It’s better timing than earlier, at least. He can chalk up the great hero Dynamight crying at his friend’s wedding, rather than the great hero Dynamight’s soulmate who never saw him as more than a friend leaving him for someone greater than him. When they kiss, it’s clumsy. Both are smiling too much to really care.
Everyone cheers, even Bakugou. At least now it’s official: Bakugou will never have him. He can’t entertain himself with the idea of “maybe” or “one day”. The decision was made for him. Good. He’s always been indecisive.
Kirishima slings an arm over his shoulder. He doesn’t mind. They follow the happy couple to the opposite side of the garden, where the reception had been set up. Music is already playing. Drinks begin to flow not too long after.
Hours later, Bakugou is seated at a white clothed table, the string lights above twinkling like stars. He’s sipping on his third glass of wine, careful not to overdo it. Most of the wedding party is dancing to the loud music blasting over the speakers (courtesy of Jirou). Bakugou’s never been much of a dancer, so he stays seated. He lets himself get lost in thought for a while, thinking about how this was the end of everything. Deku officially left him behind. It’s funny, Bakugou thinks, how the little freckled boy who thought the world of him would leave him in the blink of an eye. He deserves it, though. Bakugou was nothing but cruel to him in their youth. He knows, deep down, that if he were Deku, he would never love someone like Bakugou. It strangely brings him a sense of comfort. He takes another sip of wine.
“Kacchan!”
Bakugou refocuses on the party around him, a panting Deku approaching him. His face is red, and he looks out of breath from all the dancing. God, he’s so beautiful , Bakugou selfishly thinks to himself. He can’t help it anymore.
“Hey, Deku,” he says. “You look like you’re having fun.”
Deku laughs, the sound one Bakugou treasures like some do pure gold. “Yeah. Man, Sero and Kaminari are still just as wild as they were in high school, can you believe that?”
“Oh yeah, they haven’t changed a bit.”
“Dance with me, Kacchan?”
Bakugou nearly stops breathing. “Huh?”
“Dance with me.” Deku holds out his hand for Bakugou to take. “Please.”
Bakugou can’t deny him. Not when he’s smiling this wide, or looking so enchanting. “Okay.” He takes his hand and Deku drags him to the dance floor.
A slow song plays, one with a gentle piano and a soft violin. Bakugou tries to say that they should wait for a faster paced song, but Deku already has an arm on his shoulder and his hand in his. Bakugou puts his arm around his waist and they sway. He sees Ochako over Deku’s shoulder, dancing with Iida and laughing. He can see Kaminari and Jirou too, holding each other close as they sway. Kirishima and Mina are dancing the same way, whispering and laughing with one another before exchanging a gentle kiss. In another life, this could be his reality. He could have had Deku, in another life, if he hadn’t fucked up so badly in the past.
“...Kacchan?”
Deku’s voice snaps him back to this reality, the one where Deku isn’t his. He looks down at him.
“Sorry, I just got lost for a minute there,” Bakugou apologizes. “What were you saying?”
“When the hell are you going to get married? We need more weddings in class 1-A, man!”
Bakugou knows he didn’t mean to hurt him. But god, does he just want to collapse and never get up again. “That’s a stupid question, shitty Deku,” he manages. “I’d have to date someone first.”
“Aw, c’mon! I’m sure there is some guy you’ve been infatuated with that you haven’t told us about.”
“No,” Bakugou replies softly. “There isn’t.”
Deku doesn’t seem to catch on to anything. “Alright, if you insist ,” he teases. “What do you want your wedding to look like, though?”
Bakugou shrugs, defeated. “I dunno. Something small, for sure. Just in the backyard. I don’t want to bring attention to us, it would just be me and him.”
Deku smiles up at him and plunges a knife into his chest. “That sounds lovely, Kacchan. I hope I’m there to see it.”
“Me too,” Bakugou replies miserably. The song then changes, now becoming more fast paced.
Deku lets him go, grabbing the attention of the others as they start to move around quicker. “Kacchan! Join us!”
Bakugou shakes his head and begins to walk off the floor. “This is not for me,” he explains. “I think I’m going to head out. It’s late.”
“Okay!” yells Ochako, spinning around with Momo. “Thank you, Bakugou-kun!”
Deku comes back out from the crowd to hug Bakugou in a bone crushing hug. “Thank you again,” he says. “This was the best day of my life.”
Bakugou hugs him back, for what he has a feeling is the last time. “I’m happy you’re happy. See you later, and don’t drink too much, okay? I know how persuasive Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass can be.”
Deku barks a laugh. “I promise. Goodbye, Kacchan.”
“Goodbye, Izuku.”
He pulls away, disappearing into the night, the twinkling stars from the party fading from view. Bakugou doesn’t remember how he got home, or how he got undressed and into bed. All he knows is that he is laying in his bed on his face, facing the ceiling. His chest hurts and his eyes are wet and the world is still turning without him. Bakugou cries an embarrassing amount that night, drowning in his own self pity and guilt. It’s over. His fate has been decided for him, just as it has many times in the past. Bakugou lets himself crumble and break alone in his apartment, knowing that there is no one there to witness the shattering of Dynamight. He is just glad that he didn’t explode when there would be casualties.
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“Kacchan...meet Midoriya Katuski.”
“He’s small.”
“He’s an infant , Kacchan.”
“Still tiny.”
A pause.
“You named him after me?”
Laughter. “Who else was I going to name him after? I want him to be just like you, Kacchan. Brave, strong, and undefeatable.”
“You forgot loud, obnoxious, and stubborn.”
“Yeah, I just hope he doesn’t get those traits.”
A deep breath. “Kacchan, would you be his godfather?”
Deku finally managed to ask him a harder question. Just as before, Bakugou already knows his answer, though it hurts him.
“Yes.”
“Thank you, oh my god, you have no idea what that means to me.”
“Of course. Anything for you.”
That is the last time Bakugou lets himself fall apart because of Midoriya Izuku. He still loves him, and he will for the rest of his life. But the pain is just numbing at this point. He’s used to the disappointment and the loss.
For the rest of his life, up until the day and after Deku finally gives himself up in the name of One for All, Bakugou mourns the love of Midoriya Izuku.