Chapter Text
He was very sad.
Well, he assumed it was sadness. At first, he had thought it was anger, but the usual, familiar, fire he felt inside his head, his jaw, that he felt when the furiousness hit him, was nowhere to be found, staying calm and quiet at the bottom of his belly. Instead, a strange fogginess surrounded his eyes, whipping his thoughts into unwanted, disgusting shapes and forms. What if they said no? What if they ignored him? were usually the bases of the ideas that danced in front of him, day and night, surprising him during unexpected moments, scaring him from dark corners, sticking on him, on his body, leaving him dirty with the marks of guilt, once they decided to disappear, only to come back with even more aggressiveness. How he hated all the sensations, all the feelings that he was subject to. How he hated being who he was, right now.
-Yulenka, how was your lesson?
How he hated that name.
-It was fine, he answered quietly, looking at the street signs passing by through the window. His grandpa was driving him back from his ballet class, towards the arena complex, where Alexei would be joining them, before going back home. It was a normal Tuesday, so far. If it continued that way, the twins would attend their online lessons, while their grandpa made dinner. After eating, they would do their homework, before jumping back in the car, direction their sports activities, figure skating for the blond and out of ice exercises for Alexei.
In front of him, sitting on the driver’s seat, his grandpa kept silent, cutting short the born-to-die conversation. That had the boy stressed out, probably more than it should have. Was he being rude? He could guess that his current attitude was not the most polite there was out there, barely replying and keeping to himself. But, his grandpa had never been unreliable when it came to dealing with his grandson’s, or grandsons’, comportment. Was it because, he was being distant, instead of acting angry? Was it...
Oh no.
Was his grandpa keeping silent, because he had realised that he wasn’t a girl, and didn’t like that, and was displeased by that, and was waiting to tell him he knew, and that he wouldn’t support it, or worse, would send him back to his mother, because she sure knew people who would try to turn him into a girl, or kick him out, and Viktor wouldn’t talk to him anymore or help him with special figures and Alexei, Alexei wouldn’t be there anymore, and he would never make fun of stupid tv shows with him anymore, and wouldn’t race to the door with him anymore, wouldn’t come to his shows anymore, wouldn’t insult his enemies to there face when he would pull him out of fights and trouble, wouldn’t be there, no one would be there, he would be alone, and sad, and cold, and he didn’t want that, he didn’t want any of that to be the truth, wanted to stay forever in the little cocoon he knew he was safe in, wanted to keep hiding, so that he couldn’t get hurt.
But there was a knife in the cocoon, slowly making its way inside his lungs, killing him a little bit more everyday. How he wished he could simply reach out and pull the sharp object out of his back, and throw it so far away he couldn’t see it even if he tried. Still, he knew he couldn’t simply effectuate the forbidden actions. Because, as far as he knew, the knife could be a direct, consequential part of the envelope. If he pulled it out, would everything fall down?
He hoped, with all his heart, with all the universe, with all the smiling, laughing monsters that were his thoughts, that swarmed his brain, that it wasn’t the case. Since, to his regret and fear, he wasn’t going to be able to support the pain the knife gave him, all day every day, much longer.
〜
Alexei was sad.
Or, he guessed he was. His head was foggy, he felt lost, and cold. He wasn’t completely sure, but he did know that he wasn’t happy at the moment.
The reason being, Yulia was ignoring him.
Not in the way he did, when they would have an argument, where he would silently refuse to talk back at her, feeding his sister’s rage in a very efficient way. That was just poking fun, and he knew that, at the end, Yulia didn’t really mind. It wasn’t hurting her in any way, and, they would sometimes be laughing by the end of the fight. No, for the past few weeks, the blond had done much, much worse. She, without a doubt, was avoiding him. Talking only when absolutely necessary, looking everywhere except him when she did so, keeping to herself most time of the day. These were only examples, of the stuff that would go on everyday.
And it was hurting him in ways he had never felt before.
Why was Yulia purposely staying away from him? Was she upset about something? Why wouldn’t she talk about the problems with him? Was it because he was the problem? Had he done something wrong? Had he been hurting his sister without realising? This simple idea, was making him ache from the inside.
Maybe she just wasn’t feeling well?he tried to rationalize. It wasn’t a very probable option, but he preferred it over what he had assumed the moment before. And, in that case, he would try to find what was making his sister feel not fine. To do so, he would need to start the conversation, which, it wasn’t a secret, he didn’t like doing, and was not good at. But, he would do it, anything for Yulia.
And what better moment to start off, than that very second?
-Hey, he went ahead and said, awkwardly. If he had told himself he would do anything for his twin sister, it hadn’t automatically meant that he knew how to proceed and do well.
Yulia took a moment before answering back. Her shoulders had tensed when she had heard Alexei’s voice, and were still unrelaxed when she spoke up.
-Yeah?
The dark haired boy didn’t really hesitate. He wasn’t afraid of the girl in front of him, sitting on her bed with her favorite book, the one about the big felines, opened in her hands, and he really wanted to stop whatever was making her avoid him, whatever that was.
-Is something bothering you? His voice was firm, but not loud, just the normal amount of volume.
Yulia seemed shocked by his question, looking up from her book, before, just as quickly, turning her eyes back to it, in a kinda scared manner. It took her a long moment before replying, moment in which, the bedroom was completely silent, just like the rest of the house. It was late at night, around eleven pm, and their grandpa had gone to sleep a long time ago. Just like the twins had been supposed to do, but, as always, they had decided silently on staying up a little while longer. It wasn’t their problem if their grandpa was old and needed more rest than them.
After a long, stretching out feeling moment, Yulia finally decided herself to reply, shaking very slightly, eyes wide as she slowly set them on her brother’s. She was so scared, and it was making Alexei, partly anxious, as well as, partly curious. It made him feel bad and guilty, to get emotions like those, in the current situation, but any possible self given speech about what was correct to feel and what was not, was cut short, by Yulia’s unsure voice, so quiet the boy wasn’t sure she had actually said it, or if it was just a product of his imagination.
-Yeah, was the answer he received.
-What is it, he continued. He had gotten this far, he wasn’t going to let go. Also, he knew that, if Yulia didn’t want to answer for whatever reason, she simply wouldn’t. She had made that point crystal clear a handful of times.
The blond’s face scrunched up, her eyes almost closing, her lips getting thinner, her eyebrows forming angles on her forehead.
Whatever she was mentally preparing herself to say, was very serious and important and hard to let out.
〜
The younguest boy was near panicking.
Should he avoid the question? Should he run away? Should he, maybe, just, maybe, tell the truth?
That simple idea was terrifying.
His palms were sweaty, his brain was going to explode, his eyes had never been so wet, without him crying. In short, he felt really bad, physically, as well as mentally.
But at the same time, telling the truth would have many benefits. Wouldn’t it be great, if he could stop analysing, stop doubting, stop rewinding the day in his head, in hopes of taking notice of a clue, a hint, on which side Alexei, his grandpa, and Viktor, stood on the topic of transgender people. To simply know, without an uncertainty, what were their opinions, and if, yes or no, he was accepted, the way he had discovered himself to be, by them.
He was going to do it, the boy decided. He was going to come out to his brother, with speed and efficiency, just like he ripped band-aids, the way his grandpa had taught him.
Taking a sharp breath, he finally replied, letting go of his most dangerous, most painful secret.
-I’m a boy.
-Okay.
The blond eyes widened even more than they already had, eyelashes coming in contact with his eyebrows, mouth opening ever so slightly, shocker painted all over his face.
What had Alexei just said?
Okay?
Just like that? So fast, without any silence, any questionment, any conditions? Was it really, could he really hope for it to be, that simple?
-You alright? You look about to puke, Alexei continued, as if his brother hadn’t just told him he was not the person the eldest had thought him to be, for his whole life, as if this was just a normal, uneventful, night between the two kids. Forcing himself to take another gulp of air, as he had seemingly forgotten to do so for a few seconds, the boy reassured his brother.
-No, I’m fine. I’m just… surprised.
-That I accepted you? He looked down. Just like always, Alexei had near to no emotion in his voice, but, with the experience he had, he could easily hear, and see through the body language, the disbelief the other boy in front of him held.
-Yeah, he murmured, suddenly feeling very, utterly ashamed of himself. When he thought about it now, it did make sense for Alexei to be so chill and calm about the whole situation. The dark haired boy was far from being a judgemental person, and had proven to think with an open mind for years now. And, maybe being the most important factor, his brother had never done anything to hurt the other twin. In fact, he had done the complete opposite, protecting him any chance he could, even when it really wasn’t necessary.
Had he really doubted Alexei like that? he now questioned himself, his worry, though it wasn’t focused on the same matter anymore, hadn’t decreased in the slightest. If he had shown, that he didn’t trust Alexei, would he stop trusting him? Would their bond be broken? Would his ally, his confidant, his best friend, his family, not love him anymore? Had he ruined everything?
-Is it why you were avoiding me?
The bundle of emotions in Alexei’s tone was totally unfamiliar for the blond, as he had never heard anything resembling them, coming from his brother’s own voice. But, he could take a guess, associating the muted feelings, with the more obvious ones, he had once heard from other people, or in tv shows and movies. The conclusion was, Alexei was filled with uncertainty, with sadness, with anger, too.
Was he really the cause of his brother’s sorrow.
-Yeah, he repeated, the guilt, once again, washing over him, like a cold, sticky shower.
〜
Alexei breathed in and out.
Everything was fine, he hadn’t hurt his si- brother, brother, in any way. Sh- He had just been afraid for a moment, but now, now, everything should go back to the way it had always been. Just like the boy liked it, just like he wished it would always turn around.
-So, he started, you won’t avoid me anymore, right?
His brother, face strangely confused and lost, shook his head in the negative, confirming what the eldest had been hoping for, leaving no doubt behind. Alexei, full of relief, smiled brightly, well, brightly for him, the corners of his mouth turning upwards, more than they had for a good while now.
-I’m happy.
The blond, though the disorientation still shown on his features, smiled back, teeth showing in the darkness of the room, the only light source being the small bedside lamp, standing on the, tall and thin, table, stuck between the two twin beds.
After a few seconds of silence, each kid simply turned back to their respective late night activity, the youngest reading, the eldest, also reading, but a different book, that one about space, Alexei’s favorite topic. He liked everything related to science, all round, but he most loved learning about the sky, and all the cool bits and pieces that were floating and turning in it.
What had started off as a very serious, very important discussion, had shifted into a, even if necessary, light conversation between two brothers.
Maybe, thirty minutes, let’s say, after the last words had been spoked, Alexei’s twin asked a new question, still in that, unserious wave, they had left the conversation with.
-What name do you think I should have?
The dark haired boy took a moment to think it over, before answering truthfully.
-I got no idea. The blond hummed, continuing.
-I like the name Yuri.
-I like it too. The conversation could, just as well, have ended there, but, in a flash, Alexei sat up, worry flowing through his brain.
-Can I still call you Yuka?
Yuri didn’t even take a second to think, replying right away.
-Yeah, of course. For the second time that night, the hockey player was filled with reassurance, the corners of his mouth turning up, once again. He was, for sure, totally okay with Yuri being Yuri and not Yulia, because, as far as he knew about the subject, it simply was that way, and continuing to be Yulia would have hurted his brother more than anything. He was glad that the skater was going to be able to be happy with who he was. However, he didn’t know if he would have been able to stop calling Yuri, Yuka.
Of course, he would have made an effort, and, surely, would have been able to stop at some point, but it would have been hard, and he also really liked the nicknames the twins had given each other. He wouldn’t have been able to tell why, but these names had a special place in his heart, it was just like that.
-It also makes sense with my new pet name, you know, Yurochka, but I think, I would have accepted that you continued calling me Yuka even if it hadn’t been the case. It’s just, the fun name you’ve been calling me forever, and not a girl name, so I’m fine with it, Yuri finished.
Alexei nodded. Thinking about it, Yuka did work just as well with his brother’s new pet name, so well, he asked himself if the skater had chosen his new name because of that specific factor. But, either way, he was satisfied, because he was able to keep calling Yuri the same way he had always done, while not hurting him from any angle, in any way.
〜
Not long after, the boys set their books down, on the floor next to their respective beds, before pulling the covers up, Yuri reaching out to close the light, since it was his turn to do so.
That night, both slept soundly, all the worries, the fears, the guilts, the doubts, having left them. The only feelings within the children, were warmth, comfort, and love for their respective brother.