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Castiel Novak is “James Milton”, an author with a successful book series under his belt, which he recently sold the movie rights to. Unfortunately, that’s about all he feels he’s got nailed down in life. He’s a single father of two: Claire (7) and Jack (4). His kids are his entire world, and Cas adores them, but he knows they’ve been shortchanged in life. They deserve better than an overwhelmed, stressed-out, lonely dad, with no friends or family. But he’s all they’ve got, and he’s doing his best.
Ten years ago, he thought he had it all figured out. He’d just sold his first book, and was engaged to marry Amelia. They had simple plans: a small wedding, a honeymoon in Hawaii, buy a nice little house, and raise two or three kids. Amelia would finish her Master’s degree and find a job counseling former addicts, using her life experience as an example. They stuck to the plan, and it went well, right up until it didn’t. Amelia struggled with anxiety during her pregnancy, and developed post-partum depression shortly after Claire was born. She hid it from Cas, and ended up relapsing. They fought and fought, with Cas begging her to get help, to go back to rehab, and Amelia insisting she could quit again on her own. After all, she had all this education under her belt now, she was almost a professional. She needed to prove to herself she could do it alone. Except she couldn’t do it alone. Amelia walked out on them when Claire was five months old, and never looked back. Devastated, Cas struggled to get through a divorce from an absent wife, while raising a baby by himself. Neither of them had any family left (Cas’s parents having disowned him when he came out of the closet, and Amelia’s grandmother having passed away a year prior), and their small circle of friends had disappeared when Amelia relapsed. When the police called a year later, saying they found Amelia dead of an overdose in Tulsa, Cas found he didn’t have any more tears left to shed for her. He loved Amelia, but she broke his heart, and he was grateful that Claire didn’t have any memory of her.
Later that year, he moved to Raleigh NC, and met his best friend, Kelly Klein. She was a powerhouse, a fiercely independent woman with no room for bullshit. She was an orphan who had grown up tough and self-reliant, put herself through college, and worked herself up to a position as Senior Editor at Cas’s publishing house. She also lived in Raleigh, and they formed a friendship almost immediately. Kelly was the polar opposite of Amelia, and Cas appreciated that he never needed to walk on eggshells around her. Kelly got Cas’s dry sense of humor, and loved the way his mind worked. Her practical capability fit his intellectual pragmatism like a puzzle piece. One’s strengths balanced the other’s weaknesses, and they worked well together. She adored Claire and often helped Cas care for her when he was near the end of his rope.
Though Cas was bisexual and Kelly was straight, there had never been any romantic chemistry between them. At a business dinner once, a colleague wondered aloud if the friends had ever been a couple, and after a brief, incredulous look between the two, Cas and Kelly had laughed so hard they started to get dirty looks from the maître d. But after a string of bad relationships, Kelly decided to give up on romance entirely, and move forward with life on her own terms. She wanted to have a child of her own, and asked Cas to be her sperm donor. In exchange, she offered to move in, to help with Claire full-time. They planned to raise both kids together, platonically, sharing the house, the expenses, the responsibility of parenting. Since Cas couldn’t even imagine trying to date again, it seemed like a perfect arrangement. And it probably would have worked, if only Kelly hadn’t died in childbirth. Once again, Cas was all alone, this time with a 3 ½ year old and a newborn, and once again, mourning the mother of his youngest child.
That was four years ago. Since then, Cas has focused entirely on his kids and his career. He’d already published two of his six-book series by the time Claire was born, and managed to get the next four done before Jack came along. The books were quite successful, and the sale of the movie rights ensured his financial future, even if he never wrote another book. Of course, he did write another book, beginning a whole new series, and his publisher is a constant presence in his email, checking in on his progress and reminding him of editorial deadlines. Writing seems to be the only thing Cas has confidence in, his job the only part of his life where he ever feels like he’s got things under control. He never imagined this would be his life, and he always feels stretched thin, practically and emotionally. He’s aware that he’s terribly lonely, but he just can’t imagine finding the time or mental space to date and forge a new relationship. More than that, who would want to date him? He’s been told he’s handsome enough, and he’s certainly more stable than many single men, but he’s 38 (far too old for the dating scene, apparently), bisexual (which has garnered him more than a few rejections from both sides of the aisle), and has two little kids (a deal-breaker on any number of dating profiles). He’s a lost cause, and that’s fine. Cas has resigned himself to the rare one-night hookup, and figures he’ll worry about romance when the kids are older. It’s fine. Mostly.
**********
Dean Winchester is the owner of TFW Designs. He made a name for himself as an up-and-coming Structural Engineer with Host Building & Design, a major construction and design firm in Chicago, and finally started his own business a few years back. At 37, he’s already one of the most talked-about players in the Raleigh construction market. He’s very good at his job, but it also may have something to do with his good looks and flirtatious personality, which have helped get him featured in more than one industry magazine. His staff plays a big part in his success, as well, and he’s lucky to have started TFW with some very talented professionals, who also happen to be awesome people. His brother Sam (their real estate attorney), best friend Charlie (superstar Architect), Benny (senior Builder), Crowley (senior Realtor), and Lisa (Dean’s ex, and an award-winning interior designer) all joined him in Raleigh two years ago, and it’s been full steam ahead ever since.
Dean, Cas, and Charlie were friends in college at Northwestern, back in Illinois. Dean and Charlie were both scholarship Engineering students, while Cas’s wealthy parents paid his tuition in full (at least, until he came out to them in Senior year). They all lived on the same floor of Elder Hall, and thanks to Charlie’s outgoing (and persistent) personality, became friends in their first month on campus. Apparently, Charlie walked up to Cas in the hallway one day and informed him they were now friends. There was no vote, no lead-in, and no gradual ‘getting to know you’ period. From that day on, she invited Cas to lunch, LGBTQ campus events, dragged him out jogging, and walked into his dorm room at all hours of the day and night. A couple of weeks later, she did the same to Dean, and the two of them were swept along in the wake of Charlie Bradbury’s infectious joie de vive.
**********
Cas had a hell of a crush on Dean back then, but Dean was straight, so he kept his mouth shut about it and they remained just friends. After graduation, Cas lost touch with all his college friends, but he does occasionally stalk Dean on social media. He’s never been bold enough to contact him, but once every couple of years, he’ll look him up on Facebook and stare wistfully at his public photos. He hasn’t been on Facebook in quite a while, however, so he hasn’t seen the flood of pictures Dean’s posted in the last 22 months, announcing the launch of TFW, promoting his magazine articles, or celebrating his most ambitious and high-profile projects.
Cas has lived in his house for six years, and it’s a nice place, but he’s always had vague ideas about customizing it a bit. Making it his dream house. Now, with the influx of cash from the movie deal, he decides it’s time. The kids are old enough to navigate safely around a little renovation work, and he’d really like to take full advantage of the beautiful NC weather. He spends some time on the internet, and decides he wants one of those big, folding glass walls, leading from his existing kitchen out to a big patio and an outdoor kitchen. It will undoubtedly be expensive, but Cas believes it will be worth it, and after all – he spends all his time in this house. He might as well enjoy it as much as possible, right?
After a few conversations with other parents at Claire’s school, Cas gets the name of a contractor named Benny LaFitte, with TFW Designs. He emails the guy and two weeks later, the builder agrees to come by the house and do a walk-through for a quote. Benny is a big, robust white man, with a Cajun accent and kind eyes. He listens to Castiel’s wish list, and they discuss materials, layouts, price range, and timelines. But when Benny gets up close and personal with Cas’s exterior kitchen wall, they hit a snag. He’s concerned about the load-bearing capacity, if they just pull the current window and expand the hole to install a glass wall.
“You’re gonna need an engineer to draw up the plans for this, Mr. Novak. It’s definitely possible, but it’s not quite as simple as I’d hoped, with a house this age, and it might cost more than you want to spend”, he explains. He sounds apologetic, but Cas will not be dissuaded.
“I’m not terribly worried about the cost. I don’t plan on moving anytime soon, but if I ever do sell this place, I suspect this renovation project will add significant value to the home. Do you have anyone you could recommend, as an Engineer?”
He does, of course, and he gives Cas Dean’s business card. He doesn’t look at it right away, but when he does, all the breath rushes out of his lungs. Dean Winchester, that name can’t be a coincidence. Dean Winchester is in Raleigh? Lives in Raleigh? A quick visit to the internet confirms that yes, this is THE Dean Winchester. HIS Dean Winchester. It also confirms that Dean still looks incredible. Ahem.
*********
Castiel Novak is the last person Dean expects to get an email from. He’s always wished they’d stayed in touch, always wondered what became of the intense, preoccupied, nerdy-hot Journalism major. He certainly didn’t expect the answer to be, “became a major author, moved to Raleigh, had two kids, and somehow ended up a single dad”. Benny had mentioned something earlier about consulting on a kitchen job on Angel Lake Drive, but when he dropped the client’s name, Dean immediately started scrolling through his inbox.
Castiel’s email is endearingly awkward. “Hello Dean. I don’t know if you remember me, but . . .” Hell yes, Dean remembers him. He spent quite a few evenings thinking about Cas, back in college. Never had the nerve to ask him out, though. Not that Dean was exactly in the closet, even back then, but he found it much easier to hit on girls. He’d always been a Casanova with the ladies, but put him in front of a hot guy, and he’ll get tongue tied nine times out of ten. It was a miracle he ever got any dick at all, really.
Predictably, Dean jumps at the chance to see Cas again. He emails him back immediately (of course I remember you, Cas! I wish I’d known you lived in Raleigh; I’d have looked you up years ago!), and sets up a day to check out Cas’s kitchen reno plans.
They meet up at Cas’s house a few days later, and Benny’s concerns are confirmed. The exterior wall will need reinforcement, in the form of a very expensive steel beam, but Dean is happy to draw up the plans and gives Cas some free advice about building the outdoor kitchen, too. There’s some fond catching up, and even a little tentative flirtation, but soon enough, Cas has to cut their meeting short to go pick his kids up from day care and school. Dean notices that Cas seems a little harried, the closer they get to the end of the meeting. Cas mentions that it “hasn’t been easy”, raising two small children by himself, but he never says anything about their mom, so Dean doesn’t ask. Maybe they’re adopted, or maybe he had them with a surrogate. None of Dean’s business either way.
“Well, day care and school have to be some help, right?” he offers.
Cas arches his eyebrows and sighs. “School certainly is, yes. But Jack’s only just started part time Day Care, and he’s not really adjusting well. I probably should have started him last year. He’s always been home with me, pretty much every day, and now that he’s four, I’ve suddenly started to worry that kindergarten will be a rough adjustment next year. Figured I’d better get him into Day Care to get used to it, but Jack’s just not happy about it. He likes the social aspect, but he misses me, and he’s not doing great with the change to his routine.”
Poor guy, Dean thinks, as he drives back to his office. Dean loves kids. He practically raised his little brother after his mom died, and the hardest part of his breakup with Lisa had been leaving her son, Ben. But he knows Castiel has no relationship with his family, and there’s clearly no spouse in the current picture. Dean can’t imagine how hard it must be for Cas, raising two kids all alone, even working from home.
Over the next few weeks, Dean and Cas keep in touch about the kitchen plans. When Benny and his crew start work, Dean even makes a point of stopping by to personally walk Benny through his schematics for the wall. OK, so maybe that visit didn’t need to take an hour, but he and Cas got to talking. So sue him.
The work goes well, and a month later, Cas invites Dean over for lunch, to see the finished product. It’s a Friday in May, and perfect weather for lunch on the patio. Cas took all of Dean’s suggestions, and certainly didn’t skimp on the materials. It makes Dean wonder if he should expand his own patio set-up. He has a top of the line grill, but maybe a nice built-in wet bar, with a little prep station? He wouldn’t go all-out like Cas, of course, with the range, the pizza oven and the mini-fridge. Dean’s house is not his forever home, after all. He’s holding out for a bigger place before he really goes all-in to customize things, but not until he meets the right person, starts a family, that sort of thing. Until then, his little two-bedroom house suits him well enough, but it can’t hurt to add a little resale value.
After offering to help, and being assured that Cas has it covered, Dean sits in one the Adirondack chairs, and Cas returns to his cutting board to chop up artichoke hearts. They talk about the renovation, and how happy Cas is with the final result. Dean admires his bricked-in pizza oven, smoking away. “I take it we’re having pizza?”
“Yes, I hope that’s OK. I’m making one with artichokes, sundried tomatoes, and onions, and one with sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and banana peppers. Would you like either of those? If not, I can make you another one.”
“That sausage one sounds pretty good.”
Cas tilts his head at him, and the look on his face reminds Dean of his mom. “You still don’t like vegetables, huh? I thought you’d grow out of that.”
Raising one finger and both eyebrows, Dean launches his defense. “Hey, I eat plenty of veggies. I just prefer them in sauce, or smoothies, or squished between mashed potatoes and gravy. I don’t wanna look em in the eye while I’m eatin’ them.”
Cas squints, hesitating. “Vegetables . . . don’t have eyes, Dean.”
“Figuratively speaking.”
“Mhhmmm. So as long as you can’t see the veggies, you can pretend you’re not eating them, is that it?” There’s a glint in Castiel’s deep blue eyes.
“Hey, don’t judge me, dude.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” He expects Cas to laugh at him, but he just looks . . . fond. Like Dean’s done something adorable. Huh. Well, OK then. Moving on.
The rest of lunch flies by. The conversation is easy and relaxed, and the pizza is fantastic. Dean even eats a veggie slice, and it’s good. Not as good as the sausage and pepperoni, but good. They joke about Benny and a few of the contractors who worked on Cas’s patio. They compare the best ways to get rid of fire ants. They debate the merits of pimento cheese. (Dean is definitely not a fan, but it’s grown on Cas in the decade that he’s lived here.) They compare notes on Raleigh restaurants. They reminisce about college. They have a great time.
Suddenly, Cas’s phone rings, and he looks a little alarmed at the caller ID.
“Hello? Yes, this is Castiel. Is everything OK? . . . . Oh no, OK. Yes, of course. I’m on my way. Thank you.” He hangs up and closes his eyes for a second, sighing, before across the table to Dean. “Dean, I’m so sorry, but I have to go get Jack from daycare. He’s having a meltdown, and the staff can’t get him to stop crying.”
“Don’t be silly, Cas, you don’t need to apologize. Your kids come first.” They get up to leave, and Dean stops at the door. “Hey Cas? I know it’s a lot, but you’re doing a good job. And your kids probably think so, too.”
Later that evening, Dean gets a text from Cas.
Cas: I’m still sorry I had to cut our lunch short. I hope you don’t mind me texting you so late.
Dean: No, of course I don’t mind. Is Jack OK?
Cas: Mostly. Turns out he has an ear infection. I brought him home, then to the Pediatrician, then to the pharmacy. By then, Claire was getting out of school, so I had to pick her up on the way home. By the time I got poor Jack settled down, I was so frazzled I couldn’t bear the thought of cooking, so we ordered pizza. I’m a terrible parent.
Dean: You are not a terrible parent. That sounds like a hell of an afternoon. I wouldn’t want to cook either, and I LOVE to cook. Besides, who doesn’t like pizza?
Cas: Thank you for the vote of confidence, Dean. I apologize for complaining to you, that wasn’t my intention. Mostly I just wanted to ask if we can continue to keep in touch, now that the kitchen project is finished. It’s been good to reconnect, and to be honest, I don’t have a huge circle of friends.
Dean: Are you kidding? Of course we’re gonna stay in touch. You’re good people, Cas. And I don’t have a ton of friends, either. I know a million people, but friends, not so much. And don’t worry about complaining to me. I pretty much raised my kid brother, and I spent a few years parenting my ex’s son. I know how frustrating it can be. You can vent to me any time. Or even just shoot the shit, if you need some grown-up talk. I gotcha, Cas.
After that, they both sort of fall into the habit of texting each other periodically, throughout the week. They reminisce about college days, vent about work, and share funny moments. Cas talks about his kids a lot, but it’s mostly adorable stories, or hilarious #parentingFails, or something they’ve done that he’s really proud of. Cas is clearly stressed and overtaxed, but he doesn’t complain so much as worry out loud.
Soon, Dean and Castiel start meeting for lunch, once a week or so. Cas is usually a few minutes late, and often seems mildly distracted, but they always have a good time, Dean really looks forward to seeing him. It’s weirdly easy, falling back in to their friendship after all these years. Dean tries to flirt with him now and then, but Cas takes it entirely in stride, and Dean isn’t sure if Cas just isn’t interested, or if he genuinely doesn’t notice. Dean refuses to take it personally, either way. Cas is interesting, clever, kind, and has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that Dean has always found hilarious. He listens to Dean, even when his mind is clearly somewhere else, and he genuinely seems to care about Dean’s life. After a while, he realizes that he doesn’t even really care if Cas flirts back, so long as he gets to keep hanging out with him.
The more they talk, the more Dean is intrigued by Cas’s kids. He hears so much about them, and they’re clearly Castiel’s whole world, outside of his writing. One evening, he’s Facetiming with Cas, when Jack wanders over and asks who Cas is talking to. When Cas explains, Jack climbs into his dad’s lap and says hello, with a cute little wave. Then the kid launches into a full conversation, like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
Dean takes to him in an instant. He’s a blonde miniature of Cas, complete with head tilt and deadpan delivery. Jack is equally taken with Dean, apparently. The next morning, Cas calls and explains that Jack had insisted they call, so Jack could say hello. That’s all he gets out before Jack grabs the phone, asking Dean what he had for breakfast, did he sleep good, what he was doing today, and can he come over for dinner tonight? Dean can hear Cas in the background, clearly caught unawares by his son’s invitation, but Dean says yes anyway. When Cas gets the phone away from the four year old, he apologizes to Dean.
“I’m sorry, I had no idea he was going to do that. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that. I’m sure you have better things to do with your Friday night than have dinner with two little kids.”
“I absolutely do not. Besides, I already told Jack I’d be there. Wouldn’t wanna disappoint my new little buddy, would I? What time do you want me, and what can I bring?”
**********
Cas is stunned by Dean’s casual acceptance. And when Dean arrives that night, he’s stunned again by how easily he fits into their little family dynamic. He hits it off with both kids right away, playing Horsey with Jack, and letting Claire paint his nails. He brings milk and beer, and pie for dessert, and helps the kids set the table. It feels . . . comfortable . . . like he’s been here for years! Cas actually feels himself relax for the first time in months.
The kids start popping in to say Hi to Dean whenever Cas is on the phone with him. They ask when he’s coming over again, and suddenly, Dean’s coming to family dinners once or twice a month. Cas finds himself thinking about Dean often, wondering how he got lucky enough to find this friendship again, halfway across the country and 15 years later. It occurs to him that, though they’ve talked about Charlie a few times, and he knows she works closely with Dean, neither of them have even suggested inviting Charlie to their lunches. He’s not nostalgic about Charlie. She was great, and he’d be happy to see her again, but he doesn’t miss her the way he missed Dean.
**********
Soon, Dean finds himself tagging along on trips to the park, and the fair, and mini-golf. Sam starts to worry that Dean’s getting too involved for a platonic friendship, but honestly, Dean’s . . . happy. Happier than he can remember being in years. Would it be better if Cas were more than a friend? Sure. But honestly, this is 50% of everything Dean’s ever wanted, and it’s not like there’s any other likely prospects on his radar, so he might as well enjoy what he has. (OK fine, his radar is turned off. Has been since that first lunch with Cas, 6 months ago, but who’s counting?) He introduces Sam to Cas and the kids, and they all get along great. That eases a lot of Sam’s nagging concern, but he offers a few more pitying looks at Dean instead. No, he does not want to talk about it, Sam. He’s fine, Cas is fine, they’re friends and that’s fine. Case closed.
One day in early February, Dean gets a particularly stressed out text from Cas. Claire recently started gymnastics classes, and Cas is now quite sure it’s going to kill him. The classes start 30 minutes after Jack gets out of daycare, but they’re clear across town, so he has to pick the kids up, and then stay at the gym for an hour, entertaining Jack until Claire’s class ends. Then they hit rush hour traffic on the way home. “I should be able to make this work. I am well aware that many parents juggle this crap with a full time job, but I honestly don’t know how they manage it.”
Now, Dean’s first impulse with any issue is to solve the problem. He’s a fixer. It’s what makes him such a good Engineer. So without really intending to, Dean ends up offering to pick Jack up from daycare. Turns out, daycare is close to Dean’s office, and halfway between Dean and Castiel’s homes, so it’s kind of perfect. Cas is bowled over, but exceedingly grateful for the offer. He makes Dean a key, makes arrangements with the daycare staff, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Dean brings Jack home, makes him a snack, and hangs out until Cas and Claire get there.
Within a week, Dean realizes that Cas tends to flounder with dinner on these nights, often ending up feeding the kids random leftovers or sandwiches, since he and Claire don’t make it home until 6pm. So Dean formulates a plan, and prays that Cas won’t think he’s overstepping. When he brings Jack home on Tuesday, he takes stock of Cas’s fridge and pantry, and puts in a small grocery order at the market near Cas’s house. Thursday, he grabs Jack, picks up his grocery order, and by the time Cas and Claire get home, Dean’s almost done making dinner.
Jack is almost glowing with pride . . . he got to help in the kitchen! Claire is ecstatic . . . she hates leftovers, and Dean not only made something better than sandwiches, he’s made Claire’s new favorite food, apparently: chicken pot pies. Cas is stunned, and so relieved that his eyes well up with tears.
“I can’t thank you enough, Dean. This is SO thoughtful. I’d started to dread gymnastics nights. I like to cook, but Jack was so grumpy by the time we got home, and it was so late, I just couldn’t find the energy to do a decent dinner. I’m so grateful. Honestly Dean, I couldn’t ask for a better friend.”
Friend. OK, that stung a bit. But Dean bites his tongue and hopes his grin doesn’t look as strained as it feels. Get it together, Winchester! You’re over here playing house, but that’s all it is. You’re just helping a friend. If Cas was interested, he’d have done something about it by now.
“No problem, Cas. What was I gonna do, go home to my empty house, and watch Dr. Sexy reruns? I’m happy to help.”
********
Dean’s dinners become tradition, and Cas finds himself eagerly looking forward to Tuesdays and Thursdays. It feels like family, a real family, for the first time in years. If only Dean didn’t go home afterwards. It’s been so long since Cas had someone to actually go to bed with, he hardly remembers the feeling. Oh, he’s had sex a few times since Amelia died, but only hookups and one night stands here and there. He doesn’t have time for dating, and though he’d loved Kelly tremendously, there was never going to be anything physical there.
But Dean. Oh, he’s always felt that he and Dean would be good together. If only Dean wasn’t straight. (Actually, Cas had suspected in college that Dean wasn’t entirely straight, but his attempts at flirting were always brushed aside with a joke, or a “buddy”, and he’d only ever known Dean to date women, so Cas gave up. Sure, Dean was an outrageous flirt, with literally anyone, but that was just his personality.) Still, Cas can’t deny that he feels a spark between them. Enough that Cas has jerked off to the thought of him many, many times over the years, and certainly over the last several months. And now, with Dean spending more and more time here, bonding with his kids, cooking in his kitchen. It’s all so perfect. If only.
********
Things go on like this for another month or so. By mid-March, Claire’s gymnastics class is ending, and there’s just no good excuse for Dean to spend so much time at the Novak house anymore. He’ll still be having lunch with Cas every Friday, but with Claire’s schedule back to normal, there will be no more daycare pickups, and far fewer family dinners. Dean is . . . sad. It feels like a breakup, if he’s honest. He almost cries on his way home, after their last post-gymnastics dinner on Thursday.
He rants at himself, while white-knuckling the steering wheel. Don’t be ridiculous, dude. You knew it was only temporary. It’s not like it was real, anyway. Yeah, it was nice to pretend you were part of a family again, but that’s all it was – pretending. They’re not yours. He’s not yours. Get it together!
That weekend is not pretty. It involves a lot of beer, four separate, sappy, rom-com chick-flicks, and Dean repeatedly pulling out his phone to stare at his 48 photos of Cas, Claire, and Jack.
Tuesday night brings a text from Cas.
Cas: Jack asked where you were, when I picked him up from daycare today. Claire reminded him that gymnastics is over, so you don’t have to do pickups anymore. Everything seemed fine on the ride, but when we got home, both kids started searching the whole house for you. Apparently they still thought you’d be here making dinner, when we got home.
That breaks Dean’s heart a little, but it’s also a bit gratifying, if he’s honest. He’s glad the kids miss him, at least, even if Cas doesn’t seem the least bit fazed.
Lunch with Cas on Friday feels a bit strained. After a few minutes, Dean can’t take the tension, and asks what’s wrong. Cas’s face crumples, just a little.
“Last night was a disaster. Jack asked why you weren’t there SIX times, he didn’t want to help me cook, and then both kids hated their food.”
“What’d you make?”
“Chicken taco crescent rolls. They love them every time you make them. They asked for them!”
“That’s weird. Wait, how’d you cut the chicken?”
Cas tilts his head and looks confused before he answers, “I diced it up into little pieces”.
Dean winces. “Ooh. Yeah, ya gotta shred it. They don’t like the chunks.”
“But you use diced up chunks in chicken pot pie. I know you do, I’ve helped you make it twice. It’s Claire’s all-time favorite food.”
Dean’s trying not to look smug, he really is. He shrugs. “Don’t know what to tell ya, chief. They only like it shredded in the taco rolls. Kids are weird little animals.”
Now it was Cas’s turn to wince. “Yes, that’s true. I’m not sure the style of chicken would have made much difference last night, though. Even after dinner, they were both cranky. Claire hardly said a word, and Jack had a tantrum when he misplaced a toy. I had to read him Goodnight Moon three times before he’d go to sleep. And then Claire woke up in the middle of the night. She hasn’t done that in over a year.”
“Bad dream?”
“I have no idea. She didn’t remember having a nightmare, just said she woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I sat up with her for two hours, the poor thing. She was exhausted this morning.”
“Shit. Sorry you had such a rough night, Cas. Maybe Claire’s adjusting to not doing gymnastics? Like, her body’s used to burning a lot of energy on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so maybe it’s still adjusting to not having that outlet?”
Cas stares at Dean, eyebrows raised, mouth slightly agape. (He’s got such nice teeth. Jesus, who even thinks that? WTF, Winchester??) “That . . . makes a lot of sense. It would certainly explain the sudden insomnia. Shit, why didn’t I think of that? Thank you, Dean. You’re amazing.”
********
Dean is blushing again. He doesn’t handle compliments very well, but he certainly deserves them. OK, so Cas may or may not offer more compliments than strictly necessary, just to see Dean blush. Maybe. They both seem more relaxed by then, and lunch goes better after that. They talk about Cas’s progress (or lack thereof) with his current book. He tries to gloss over the details, but the truth is, he keeps imagining gay sex scenes for a character who he’s always written as straight, in the previous books. Every time he tries to write a scene where Michael picks up a woman, it comes out as cheesy and inauthentic. Which is weird, since Cas has written plenty of straight sex scenes. He’s even written straight hookups for this particular character, in the past. Eventually, after skirting the issue several times, Cas confesses his consternation to Dean, embarrassed. Why won’t his characters just do what he tells them?!
“I don’t get the problem, man. Is there a scene in the existing books where he’s homophobic, or specifically tells someone that he’s straight?”
“No, no. He’s never really had any conversations about sexuality in any of the books. Definitely no evidence of homophobia or anything like that. He’s friends with a couple of queer characters, and he’s always been very supportive of them.”
“OK, so where’s the issue?”
“I’ve only ever written him with women. We’re three books in, he’s an established character.”
“And? The readers have only ever SEEN him with women. They’re not omniscient. I mean, lots of people have only ever seen ME with women, so they probably assume I’m straight. Doesn’t make it true”, Dean offers, nonchalantly.
The next 30 seconds seem to take about 100 years, to Castiel. Did Dean just say? That had to be a hypothetical example, right? Dean cannot be saying he’s . . . Nope. No way. Because if Dean’s not straight, then al this time, Cas could have had a shot? College? All these family dinners? That could be REAL?
********
OK, now it’s getting weird. Cas is just sitting there, staring at Dean’s left shoulder, though he’s clearly somewhere else entirely. Did he say something wrong? Is this some freaky author’s epiphany moment? Is Cas gonna whip out a pen and start frantically writing on the tablecloth? Is he having a seizure?
Dean clears his throat. No response. He waves his hand across Castiel’s field of vision. Nothing. Finally, he stretches out one leg and taps Cas’s foot with his boot. That, at least, seems to shake him from his little stupor.
“Dude, you zoned out on me. Are you OK?”
“Yes. Yes, I’m sorry. Just . . . thinking. You’re right, of course. There’s no reason Michael couldn’t be attracted to men as well. That would be perfect, actually.”
Cas seems more distracted than usual through the rest of lunch, but that’s not entirely out of character, so Dean doesn’t take it personally. He hopes it’s a good sign, that maybe he’s helped Cas crack the wall he’s run into with this Michael character.
He goes back to work, and goes to Sam & Eileen’s for dinner that night. Eileen asks about Cas and the kids, and though Dean tries to be cavalier in his explanation, he knows he sounds maudlin about losing the daycare and dinner routine. Eileen keeps giving him sympathetic glances, and pats on the hand, and Sam’s puppy dog eyes are in full effect. They both know how much he wants a family. Hell, they’re the only ones who know that Ben is the main reason he stayed with Lisa as long as he did. He wasn’t truly in love with Lisa, but he cared about her, and he loved being there. When Lisa finally ended things (in the kindest, most gentle breakup the world has ever seen), Sam and Eileen were there to watch Dean fall apart, and help him pick up the pieces and move on. They know Dean better than anyone.
“Honey, is this just about missing that time with the kids, or is it Cas, too?” Eileen signs as she speaks.
Dean’s automatic reflex is to play it cool, but he pushes past it. Eileen has always seen right through his bullshit anyway. “Probably both, I guess,” he signs, shrugging.
“But you’re still friends, right? You still have lunch, and text, and you’re still hanging out now and then, right?”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same. It felt different, cooking in his kitchen, having dinner with his kids. It felt like I had a place there. Like I belonged. I can’t explain it.”
“Are you maybe just a little bit in love with Cas?”
Dean scoffs. Eileen waits. She’ll sit there for an hour, if Dean doesn’t answer; he knows she would. That woman is patient as a rock. Probably why she’s able to put up with Sam. Dean sighs.
“Maybe.”
“And you’re absolutely sure he only sees you as a friend? Have you ever talked about it?”
Dean gives his sister-in-law the flattest stare he can muster. Eileen snorts, shaking her head. “OK, yeah. What was I thinking? This is YOU we’re talking about.”
Sam walks back into the room, setting pie and ice cream down on the table. “Hey, weird question, but did you have a boyfriend in college?”
Dean scrunches up his face, trying to map Sam’s apparently random change of topics. “No? I was dating Cassie Robinson off and on for a couple of years. I hooked up here and there, but Cassie’s the only real relationship I had in school. Why?”
“Well – and I realize I may regret asking this, but – if Cas only ever saw you with a girlfriend, and you two haven’t kept in touch over the years . . . how does he even know you’re Bi? Have you ever mentioned it?”
Eileen’s eyes are wide and she pivots in her chair to look from Sam to Dean. “Well??” she prompts.
Apparently, Dean’s withering glare isn’t enough of a response, so he continues. “Of course he knows. Hell, I met the guy through Charlie, I’m sure she told him all about me.”
Sam looks skeptical. “Noooo, I don’t think Charlie would out you without your permission. I mean, I know you were never specifically IN the closet, but you weren’t exactly loud and proud back then. Charlie’s big on consent and confidentiality. I can’t see her telling anyone who you sleep with.”
“Well, even if Charlie didn’t tell him, I was pretty obvious about it. I flirted with Cas non-stop, all of Junior year.”
“Dean, you flirt with everyone. It’s a primary part of your personality. You flirt with my wife!” This makes Eileen giggle.
Dean crosses his arms and juts his chin out, eyebrows spiking. “Dude, everyone flirts with your wife. She’s hot!” At that, Eileen flips her hair back over her shoulder, like she’s in a shampoo commercial, and bats her eyelashes at Sam, who scowls at her.
“Don’t encourage him. I’m trying to make a point here!” He turns back to Dean. “Seriously, man. If you’ve never had a conversation about it, and he’s only ever seen you with women . . . I mean, I assumed you were straight, until you started dating Benny.”
“And what happens when you assume, Samuel?”
“Yeah? Well, you’ve been ASSUMING Cas isn’t into you this whole time. But if he thinks you’re completely out of bounds . . . “
Dean stares into his melting ice cream and taps his foot. Cas has to know, doesn’t he? Dean was a buffoon that whole year in college, falling all over himself to impress Cas, to make him smile, anything. It was so obvious. Wasn’t it?
But Sam has a point here. The only relationships Cas really knows about are Cassie and Lisa. Cas almost never goes to gay bars (or any bars, thanks to being a single dad), so he’s never run into Dean there. He’s never been to Dean’s house, so he’s never seen the photos of him and Benny at Pride, way back when. Dean’s never worn his favorite, “Do you like boys or girls? YES.” t-shirt around Cas. And he’s certainly never gotten naked with him (more’s the pity), so Cas has never seen the tattered Bi flag tattoo on Dean’s left hip. Holy shit. Cas thinks I’m straight? But wait:
“OK, even if you’re right, knowing I’m queer isn’t going to magically make him fall in love with me.”
Eileen covers his hand with hers again, to get his attention. “No, but if he does have feelings, he’s never going to act on them if he thinks you’re straight. Besides, he’s one of your best friends. He should know who you are.”
That’s another good point. Maybe this weekend, he could . . . Dean’s phone buzzes with a text message, interrupting that thought. “It’s Cas” he announces.
Cas: Hello, are you still at Sam’s?
Dean: Hey Cas. Yeah, what’s up?
Cas: I’m sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt your dinner.
Dean: NBD, Cas. We’re just finishing dessert. Everything OK?
Cas: Jack is having an absolute meltdown, and he wants you.
Dean: ME?
Cas: I swear I’m not exaggerating. Crying his eyes out. Screaming, “I want Deeeeeeean”. I know this is absolutely not your problem, and I’ll understand if you say no, but is there any chance we can Facetime you? Please?
Dean: I don’t know if I’m gonna be much help, but yeah, of course you can.
Cas: TY TY TY TY TY TY
Dean briefly explains the situation to Eileen and Sam, and excuses himself to the living room, just in time to see a Facetime call pop up on his cell phone. On the screen is a very harried-looking Castiel, hair a mess, shirt wrinkled, with a red-faced, sobbing Jack in his lap. Dean wants to hug them both.
“Hey Jackaroni & Cheese, what’s wrong kiddo?”
Jack opens his swollen little eyes to focus on the screen, and his sobs immediately taper off in to sniffles. “Dean?” he says, in the tiniest, most unsure voice.
“Yeah buddy, I’m right here. You OK?”
Jack wipes his nose on his sleeve and rubs his fist into one eye, shaking his head. “No.”
“OK, can you tell me what’s wrong?”
Jack’s face crumples, and he starts a little whine in the back of his throat, his breathing already sounding wetter, like the tears are queuing up. Cas is rubbing the little boy’s back and mumbling comforting words into his messy blond hair, and the poor man looks so tired.
“Hey Jack, can you do something for me, kiddo? Can you take a deep breath with me?” Dean takes an exaggerated breath, and Jack half-heartedly copies him. “Good job, sweetheart. Thank you. Can we do another one?” This time, Jack is more focused, takes a deeper breath, and breathes normally after the exhale. “One more?” Jack matches Dean’s deep breath perfectly, and he’s meeting Dean’s eyes on the screen. Cas makes eye contact over Jack’s head and gives Dean a tiny, weary smile.
“That’s awesome, Jack. Do you feel a little bit calmer now?” Slow nod and another sniffle. “I’m glad. You had me worried there, for a minute. I thought your nose might’ve fallen off or something.”
That gets a confused head tilt from Jack, who immediately reaches up to touch his nose. Dean grins. “Oh yeah, there it is! Phew!”
This time, Jack giggles. “My nose didn’t fall off, silly!”
“I’m really glad to hear that. You can never be too careful.” Dean jokes. Then, a little gentler, “Think you can tell me what all those tears were about, now?”
Jack takes a deep breath and sighs. He reaches out to touch the cell phone screen and mumbles, “I don’t see you no more. Did you go away?”
Dean’s chest hurts. “Ohhh! No, sweetheart! I didn’t go away. It’s only been a week! Remember? Your daddy had to take Claire to gymnastics, so I picked you up from school to help him. But now gymnastics is over, so Daddy can pick you up every day, again. I’m still here, and you can talk to me whenever you want to.”
“But, when are you gonna help Daddy again? I want stuffed ‘matoes.”
“I’ll help your dad any time he needs me, kiddo.” He meets Cas’s eyes on the screen and holds his gaze for a moment, before looking back to Jack. “And I’ll make you stuffed tomatoes next time, OK?”
“Next time? You promise?”
“Absolutely, I promise.”
“OK. Can you come home now?”
Another glance between the grown-ups, but this time it’s awkward. Home? What the fuck do I say to that!? “I’ll see you pretty soon, OK Jack?”
“OK. I’m gonna go tell Claire about stuffed ‘matoes. Bye Dean!” And just like that, he wriggles out of Cas’s lap and runs off-screen, calling for his sister.
Cas is rubbing a hand down his face. Is he blushing? “Well, you’ve certainly made an impression with him.”
“Yeah, my stuffed tomatoes will do that.”
“They ARE delicious.” Cas deadpans, before breaking into a weak grin. “Really though, Dean, I can’t thank you enough. I don’t know what got into Jack tonight. I’m so sorry to hijack your family dinner.”
“Come on, Cas. You guys are family, too.”
“That’s kind of you to say, Dean.” Yep. Cas is definitely blushing.
“I mean it. And I meant what I said to Jack, too. Any time you need me, I’m there, OK? I like being useful, and I like the whole domestic thing, so . . . . Any time you feel like playin’ house, I’m in.” Oh great, now we’re BOTH blushing.
“I, ummm. I’ll definitely keep that in mind.”
There’s a slightly awkward goodbye, and Dean stands up to find Eileen and Sam blatantly eavesdropping from the doorway. “What are you two staring at?”
“Any time you feel like playing house?? Is THAT the kind of shit you pulled in college, Dean? Jesus, you’re lucky he even still talks to you, creepo!”
“Shut up, Samantha! It made sense in the context of the conversation.”
“Are you gonna tell him?”
“How do you just slide that into a normal conversation with someone you’ve known for 15 years? Hey, there’s a new season of Ozarks dropping next week. By the way, did I never mention that I’m Bi?”
“Bring it up. Ask him about his coming out story, and then tell him yours,” Eileen signs.
“Yeah, maybe. I mean, mine IS pretty cute.”
Dean had been 16, in high school, both Mom & Dad still alive. He’d worked himself up to it for weeks, trying to get the nerve to tell his parents. He finally sat them both down, and (stuttering and mumbling) told them he was bisexual.
Mary had blinked at him for a second, then just said, “Yeah, I know. Is that it?”
Dean and John had both gaped at her.
“You knew?”
“You knew?!?”
Mary had shrugged and stood up to pet Dean’s hair (which was a little condescending, in hindsight), and said, “Sweetie, I’ve known since you were six years old. But I’m glad you finally felt comfortable telling us.”
John had still looked stunned, but hugged Dean and told him he really didn’t care who Dean was with, as long as they treated each other right.
And that was it.
The next day, Saturday, Dean makes a decision. He texts Cas and asks if he can invite himself over. Cas seems surprised, but happy to hear from him, so Dean swings by the market and heads over to Angel Lake Drive.
The kids barrel into him as soon as he reaches the door. Jack wraps himself around Dean’s leg like a koala and won’t let go, so Dean is forced to limp across the house to the kitchen, dragging one very heavy leg, and carrying Claire in one arm, groceries dangling from the other one. Cas takes one look at him and bursts out laughing; a long, loud laugh that overtakes his whole body. The kind that he very rarely gets from Cas. It’s beautiful.
Setting Claire down on the island and the grocery bags on the countertop, Dean lays out his proposal: They play Twister, then watch Ice Age 2, then Dean will make stuffed tomatoes for dinner. Cas’s face goes a little pale at the suggestion of Twister, but by the time Dean finishes speaking, the kids are jumping around in excitement, and Cas is staring at him with a look of affectionate awe.
“How did we get so lucky?” he says, so softly that Dean isn’t sure he’s even meant to hear it.
********
Twister is predictably chaotic, but Cas can’t remember the last time he’s laughed this much. Jack is too little to really reach all the colors properly, but that’s OK, because he completely ignores the rules, lunging across the mat, or climbing on top of Dean and Cas, turning them into a giggling human jungle gym. Both men are at least 6 feet tall, and as such, they should have had a clear advantage, but somehow Claire comes out as the winner. “Why did we let her take gymnastics?” cries Cas, sprawled on the Twister mat in defeat.
After Dean carries Claire around on his shoulders for a victory lap, and everyone takes a turn in the bathroom, they all settle down in the living room with Netflix. Once the kids are fully absorbed in the pre-historic plot, Cas turns to Dean and sighs. “You realize we’re probably both going to be hobbling around like old men tomorrow, right?”
********
Biting back the dirty innuendo on the tip of his tongue, Dean just grins. “Hey, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a sec?” Cas looks slightly concerned, but nods his assent, and they get up from the couch. Neither of the kids even turns their head.
“Is everything OK? Is this where you tell me you’ve met a nice girl and you won’t have time to do this stuff anymore?”
And all of a sudden, Dean’s anxiety just evaporates. Calm drapes over him like a blanket. Cas is nervous. He’s clearly only half-joking, and he’s worried Dean might be saying goodbye, here. Somehow, seeing that vulnerability gives Dean the strength to reassure him in the best way he knows how.
He shakes his head and wears his softest smile, meeting Castiel’s eyes. “There’s no girl, Cas. No guy either.” Yep, that’s shock on his face, as the implication of Dean’s words register. “And there’s nowhere I’d rather be than here, doing stuff like this, with you three.” He stares into Cas’s eyes for a heartbeat or two, before looking up at the ceiling, nonchalantly. “Well, there IS this ONE guy, but I don’t know if he’s even interested in me like that.” Dean tries to smirk as his eyes are dragged back to Castiel’s face. Don’t look away, don’t look away.
Cas looks . . . shellshocked. Then pleased. Then a little confused. Dean waits for the penny to drop, eyebrows raised expectantly. All the while, thinking as loud as he can, shit, please be interested, please be interested!
After several hours (OK, maybe 8 seconds), Cas’s confusion turns to caution. “Are you sure? I thought . . . “
“Did you think I was straight, Cas?”
Cas nods. Dean grins, shaking his head.
“Nope. Never. Dude, don’t you remember how much I flirted with you in college?”
“Dean, you flirted with everyone. Hell, I’ve seen you flirt with Charlie!”
“Yeah well, I’m maybe not so smooth with guys. Especially the really hot ones. Hence this conversation.”
Cas blushes again, rolling his eyes. “I’ve been interested all along, Dean. I just thought it was a moot point.”
Dean reaches out, takes Cas’s hand. And because Dean is Dean, he has to break the serious, emotional moment with a joke. “You’re not just using me for my stuffed tomatoes, are ya?” he asks, winking.
Without even hesitating, Cas squeezes his hand and replies, “Of course not. It’s for your chicken pot pie.”
EPILOGUE
[14 months later, early September]
“DEEEEAAAAN! Where are you? I can’t be late on the first day of school!”
Dean comes running down the stairs, buttoning his shirt. “I’m comin, Claire-bear. Hold your horses.” At the bottom of the stairs, he eyes her critically. “D’you brush your teeth?”
Nod.
“All of em?” Eye roll, nod, big smile. Dean reaches out to tug on one of her braids.
“OK, say goodbye to Daddy and we’ll hit the road.”
Claire races down the hall to find Cas and Jack in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher. Cas arches an eyebrow at her, as she skids to a stop.
“Bye Daddy!” she says, far too loud for 7:30 in the morning, and tilts her face up for a kiss. “Love you!”
Wincing at the volume, Cas leans over to kiss his daughter goodbye. “Have a great first day, sweetheart.”
Claire dashes back down the hall, as Dean steps forward, grinning, to take her place. “Bye Daddy,” Dean teases, in a much lower voice. He leans in for his own, significantly longer kiss, only stepping away when Claire’s impatient holler echoes from the mudroom door.
There’s a tug on his sleeve. “Dean, guess what?” Jack says, beaming.
“What’s up, kiddo?”
“I start kindergarten today!” The kid’s grin could not be any bigger, and Dean can’t help but smile back.
“I know, and I’m sure you’re gonna kick it’s butt,” Dean replies, hoisting the five year old up to plant a kiss on his little face. “Be good, I love you.”
“Blech!” Jack complains, squirming, but he’s still smiling as he wipes his cheek with one hand. “Love you too, Dad. Bye!” he gives a little wave, and runs out of the kitchen. Dean grabs his travel mug and heads towards the mudroom, but stops short, half turning to look over his shoulder. Did Jack . . . ? He glances over at Cas, but he’s facing the other way. Huh.
Dean and Claire head to school, Claire chattering the whole way about seeing her friends, and what her teacher might be like, and how much she’s dreading science. They pull up and Claire goes quiet, eyes bright, staring at the building.
“OK, little Miss Fourth Grader, your father’s gonna pick you up after school. You have a great first day. I love you lots.”
Claire turns and kisses Dean’s cheek. “K, love you Dad. Bye!” Dean blinks, stunned, and before he knows it, she’s slamming the Impala’s door and skipping up the walkway.
He pulls away and drives to the end of the block before he pulls over. His nose is already running, eyes watering, as he digs his phone out to text Cas.
It’s the first time either of the kids have called him Dad.