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It started after Jeongwoo woke up from a nice and peaceful sleep.
His alarm clock hadn't rung but it was no big deal; his roommates' loud voices were enough to wake him up anyway. It was a Saturday so there was no rush in getting up and stuff like that, but Jihoon always wanted all of them to be out of their beds before 10 in the morning or else they'd have to make their own breakfast. Now, Jeongwoo had no problem with that since he could definitely cook his own delicious meal (he's a big guy!), but he was feeling lazy to do anything. That's why even though his soft and cold pillow was still pulling his tired bones down, he got up and shook the sleep off his system.
He could hear Jihoon screaming from the kitchen, probably reprimanding Doyoung. There was another voice that didn't belong to anyone from their dorm but he could immediately recognize who it belonged to. With that whiny high pitched voice and the random English words thrown in the middle of every sentence, of course it was none other than Hyunsuk. Jeongwoo opened his phone to check the time and saw that it was only quarter to 9. What was Hyunsuk doing here so early in the morning?
After changing into a clean hoodie he found in his closet, Jeongwoo walked out of his room and his nose instantly picked up the smell of toasted bread and bacon. His stomach rumbled in response.
"Jeongwoo! Just in time for breakfast," Jihoon called him over. He was standing in front of the stove and he had an apron tied around his torso. Hyunsuk was beside him, still in his pajamas.
"Good morning, hyung," he said to Jihoon. Then he looked at Hyunsuk. "Why are you here?"
Hyunsuk huffed. "Am I not allowed in my boyfriend's dorm?"
Right. "You are, but you also have to remember that this isn't just Jihoon-hyung's dorm but also mine and Doyoung-hyung and Mashiho-hyung's as well."
"Don't mind him, he's just bitter," Jihoon whispered to Hyunsuk before kissing him on the lips. Hyunsuk chuckled and snaked his arm around Jihoon's waist. Jeongwoo could only watch in horror.
Ew! Disgusting!
He left the two lovebirds in peace and went to sit with Doyoung and Mashiho, who were already drinking their morning beverages. Doyoung had a glass of strawberry milk in front of him while Mashiho's was a cup of coffee. Jeongwoo wanted both, but he was suddenly craving a can of cola.
"Do we still have coke in the fridge?" he asked Mashiho, knowing that the older was the least strict among all his hyungs present in the room.
Mashiho only shrugged. "I don't know, but I think I saw some. Isn't it too early for a soft drink though?"
"There is no instruction that says coke cannot be consumed in the morning, so I don't know what you mean."
"Whatever. This is your boyfriend's fault."
Jeongwoo smiled. Had he been spending too much time with his boyfriend? This was definitely a Haruto thing to do, not his, but all of a sudden he's doing it too.
He opened the fridge and found one can of coke sitting behind some water bottles. He retrieved it happily and sat down beside Doyoung, who was eyeing him after he noticed the coke in Jeongwoo's hand.
"Not you too. Don't you know how unhealthy that is?" Doyoung shook his head, muttering to himself like an old, disappointed grandpa.
"Come on, it's not like I will die from this? Don't you know that milk is unhealthy too?" Jeongwoo retorted.
"Milk has calcium. It strengthens your bones, Jeongwoo. It is far from unhealthy," Doyoung said. He lifted his milk up as if to make a point.
"Well yeah, but not for lactose intolerant people!"
"Jeongwoo, you are not lactose intolerant."
And just like that, the conversation ended. Jeongwoo pulled his tongue out at Doyoung childishly, then turned his attention to the couple who was still acting all clingy and gross. Hyunuk said something that only Jihoon could hear and whatever it was, it must've been something very funny because Jihoon was laughing so hard. They looked so incredibly in love it was making Jeongwoo's teeth ache.
That's when a thought crossed his mind. Does he and his boyfriend look like this too? Do people find them gross? No, right? They're not that touchy and expressive…
But maybe Jeongwoo wanted them to be.
/\/\/\/\
And then there was that thing with Junkyu and Yoshi.
All twelve of them were in one of their company's practice rooms to do some exercise. Jeongwoo had just finished stretching when he noticed two figures at the back of the room doing something that was way too inappropriate for a public setting, it would scare an entire crowd away.
Okay, not really, he's just being dramatic. But still, it was very PDA and Jeongwoo didn't like seeing PDA. Yoshi was lying on Junkyu's lap while the latter played with his hair affectionately. They both had stupid smiles on their faces, smiles that were filled with nothing but adoration.
Ew! Disgusting!
Jeongwoo's eyes immediately landed on the reflection of Haruto, who was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room. He was talking to Junghwan about something and he looked absolutely stunning. Jeongwoo wanted to walk over to him and make him lie on his lap and play with his hair just like how Junkyu was doing it with Yoshi, but they weren't like that. They weren't like them.
But maybe Jeongwoo wanted them to be.
/\/\/\/\
Then the whole Jaehyuk-Asahi incident.
Jeongwoo was already feeling frustrated then due to a mix of things—stress, tiredness, confusion—but the main reason was the thoughts that had recently been awoken in his mind. He could barely understand the conversations around him as he stared at the bowl of soup in front of him. He knew he was spacing out and he also knew everyone could see he was, but he hardly cared.
He didn't want to go out to eat dinner with the guys, but Hyunsuk had announced that he missed hanging out with all of them so Jeongwoo couldn't really say no. Their leader was a very sentimental man and whenever he gets emotional it would spread around like an infectious disease. Even Asahi, who didn't even laugh when they ghost pranked Junghwan and Yedam (Junghwan almost cried and Yedam woke the entire neighborhood up with his screams) would be affected by Hyunsuk's heartfelt messages. And so, even though Jeongwoo would rather lock himself up in his room and cry, he was sitting there in a fancy restaurant acting like everything was okay.
Haruto was sitting across him and he was giving Jeongwoo concerned looks. Jeongwoo couldn't meet the other's eyes for unknown reasons, and now there's this awkward tension between them that was too strong to be unnoticed.
"You guys okay?" Doyoung, who was sitting beside him, leaned in to ask.
Jeongwoo snapped out of his thoughts and forced a reply. "Who?"
Doyoung poured him a glass of water. "You and Ruto.You haven't talked to each other ever since we arrived here. Did you two fight or something?"
No, I'm just being insecure. "Not really. I guess we're both just tired."
Doyoung didn't seem convinced. Of course he wouldn't be, this guy had some sort of 6th sense that allowed him to read other people's minds. "Sure. You know you can talk to me right?"
Jeongwoo knew that. Doyoung had always been the person he confided to the most no matter what the issue was about, whether it be something personal or a love dilemna. The small age gap between them made it easier for Jeongwoo to share his feelings and frustrations without the fear of getting judged. But this time, he didn't know if there was even a problem to begin with. So, he just smiled flatly and nodded.
"Woah, woah, woah!" Jihoon's loud voice interrupted them. Jeongwoo looked over to see what the fuss was, but he didn't see anything worth screaming about in particular.
Hyunsuk was quick to shush him. "Hey, don't be too loud. What's wrong?"
Jihoon pointed at something. All of them followed it but they still had no clue what the boy was talking about. "What is it?" Hyunsuk asked again, confused.
"Look at Jaehyuk and Asahi's hands!" Jihoon replied. All of them simultaneously turned their heads towards the seats of Jaehyuk and Asahi, then towards their hands that were placed atop of the table, entangled with each other.
"What about their hands?" Hyunsuk asked, still clueless. Jeongwoo already got it though, why Jihoon was so excited.
"It's because, silly, they're holding hands!"
Hyunsuk gasped. The rest of them cooed in unison at the pair, who was both sporting shy grins. Jaehyuk put an arm protectively around Asahi and the latter leaned in closer towards the other. Hyunsuk made another gasp, causing all of them to laugh.
"Why are you so clueless," Jihoon teased. He pinched Hyunsuk's cheeks with both hands. "So cute."
"Not gonna say we're surprised though," Yedam piped up, talking to the stars of the conversation. "We all saw it coming, let's be honest. Except Hyunsuk-hyung."
Jaehyuk chuckled. "I thought you guys already knew for a long time. We weren't really trying to be discreet."
"God, why is everyone in this group canoodling with each other. Thank God I'm still single." Yedam shook his head before downing his glass of iced tea. Jeongwoo noticed the way Doyoung tensed up, but he decided not to point it out. He didn't want to meddle with someone else's business when he still had to worry about his own.
For the rest of the night, Jaehyuk and Asahi never left each other's embrace. Asahi was not the type to cuddle someone just like that (Jeongwoo knew from experience) much less in public, but Jaehyuk was special. They were very adorable, those two, and he was happy for the both of them.
But there was something else settling in his chest. It wasn't a good feeling, and if he would describe it, it was something close to jealousy. Jealousy of what? Well...
He just wished he could be as bold as Jaehyuk. He wished he could just easily pull Haruto towards him and make it clear that he's his, or casually hold Haruto's hand in front of the guys without much thought. He wished he could take Haruto to dates more often, kiss him whenever he wants to, cuddle him to sleep. He wished he could do all these things like how Junkyu and Mashiho, or Hyunsuk and Jihoon, or even Jaehyuk and Asahi do them.
He felt a gentle kick under the table. He lifted his head up and met the gaze of Haruto, who was warmly smiling at him. "You okay?" Haruto asked.
Jeongwoo nodded. "Yeah. Of course." He picked up his chopsticks and continued eating in hopes of being distracted from his negative thoughts. He shouldn't complain. Haruto didn't like being public with those kinds of things. He wanted to take it slow. He wasn't like his hyungs.
But maybe Jeongwoo wanted him to be.
/\/\/\/\
Jeongwoo sat dejectedly on his bed. Haruto texted him that he wanted to come over to hang out, but Jeongwoo hadn't replied yet. Truthfully, he just didn't want Haruto to see him in this state, but he also didn't want to turn his boyfriend down. Haruto rarely comes over—it was the other way around—so it would be an asshole move if he said no without any actual reason aside from him being an idiot who can't sort his feelings out.
God. Why was he even being like this. He could blame it to the recent happenings that he witnessed, starting from Hyunsuk and Jihoon to Jaehyuk and Asahi, but he also knew that this feeling of uncertainty had always been there—he was just good at ignoring it. Seeing the other couples do things that he had always wished he could also do just intensified it.
He likes Haruto. A lot at that. And he knew Haruto likes him a lot too, but sometimes he couldn't help but doubt. Does Haruto really like him if he can't even hold Jeongwoo's hand without hiding it under the table? Does he really care about Jeongwoo at all? Questions like these often crossed Jeongwoo's mind. They were irrational, he knew they were, but he couldn't just push them away that easily. He needed reassurance. Affirmation. He needed to be sure.
Jeongwoo had already asked Jihoon for advice since the older had more expertise in solving love life issues. Jihoon simply told him that they should just talk it out, Haruto and him, because this was something only the two of them could solve. Jeongwoo was aware of that of course, but he was afraid that he'd scare Haruto away if he told him these things. He was afraid that Haruto would find him too needy. Hurting Haruto's feelings was the last thing he wanted.
Jeongwoo's phone dinged. He turned it on and a message from Haruto was displayed on the middle of the screen.
From: my ruru <3
im already omw hehe
im stopping by the convenience store to run some errands
do you want anything?
Jeongwoo paused. Maybe he should test it out. An idea popped up in his mind. He immediately typed in a response and sent it, his cheeks in a deep shade of red.
To: my ruru <3
nothing
i just want you here
There. He would decide if he should talk to Haruto about his dilemma later or not based on Haruto's response to that text. Jeongwoo had never made a message like that before, so if there was anything that could scare Haruto away, it would be this.
Not a minute later, Haruto replied.
From: my ruru<3
HAHAHAHAH
if thats what you want :)
wait for me
Jeongwoo almost dropped the phone. He almost walked to the the nearest wall and banged his head onto it like a drunk metalhead in a rock concert, but he still had enough self-control to not do any of that. Instead he just let out a soft squeal and buried his face down his pillow like a teenager who's in love. Well, he was a teenager who's in love.
Haruto had always been the sweeter one between the two of them especially in text messages, but he was never this straightforward. Usually he would tease Jeongwoo first before giving him compliments but this one... Jeongwoo could definitely get used to this.
What had gotten into Haruto? Did he notice Jeongwoo's somber mood? Did Jihoon tell him?
With a sigh, Jeongwoo held the phone close to his face and stared at his lock screen, which was a photo of him and Haruto taken during one the shootings for their YouTube show. It was one of his favorite photos of the two of them, mainly because this was the day they officially announced their relationship to everyone in the group. That day was very meaningful and memorable and it was definitely one of the happiest days in Jeongwoo's life. It had been a couple of months since then, and Jeongwoo still thought the same. He still loved Haruto as much as he did before and he was certain that it's not going to change anytime soon.
Okay. He made the decision. He trusted Haruto and he trusted their relationship. Once Haruto arrives, he'd open up about what he had been feeling lately and try to fix the issue with his boyfriend.
To kill some time, Jeongwoo tidied his room up a little bit.
While dusting off his small closet, he found a necklace hanging on one of the empty cloth hangers inside. He picked it up, not sure what it exactly it was. Upon closer inspection though, he realized it was the locket necklace that Haruto had bought him during their first date. Jeongwoo smiled as his brain automatically took a stroll down memory lane, then wore the necklace around his neck.
He could still remember that day like it was yesterday. There were still traces of the butterflies he felt in his stomach on the way to their meeting place and the anxiousness that almost made him faint when he had thought he was late. He could still vividly recall the smile on Haruto's face when his eyes found Jeongwoo among the crowd, and the image still filled him with so much warmth. He could still taste the crepe cake they ate back then, and the memory still made him laugh because they were too broke to buy two so they had to share one. He could still hear the way Haruto called his name when they were on the way home, before he leaned in to plant a quick kiss on Jeongwoo's cheek. He could still feel Haruto's soft lips against his skin. He could still remember all these things despite them happening a long time ago—a testament to his love for the boy.
Shit. He's so fucking whipped.
A knock on the door startled him and pulled him back to the present. "Come in!" he shouted.
The door opened and in came Haruto, as dazzling and handsome as ever. He was wearing a simple sweater but to Jeongwoo's eyes he looked like a runway model. He was holding a black plastic bag, which he carefully placed on top of Jeongwoo's desk. "Hey, why aren't you replying to my texts?"
Jeongwoo blushed. "I was cleaning my room, sorry."
"Idiot," he chuckled. "You didn't have to, I love you even when you don't know how to clean up."
See? This was exactly what Jeongwoo meant. Haruto's love language was literally backhanded compliments. "Jihoon-hyung would've made me anyway. What's in the plastic bag though?"
"Oh, I brought you black bean noodles. I know you said you didn't want anything but I also know you're usually hungry during this hour so..."
Jeongwoo smiled. "Thanks."
Haruto smiled back and they just looked at each other for a few seconds, a comfortable silence accompanying them. Jeongwoo moved towards Haruto and reached out to hold his hand, while the latter just eyed him with curiosity. Jeongwoo swallowed nervously. "I want to talk to you about something."
Haruto raised an eyebrow. "Hmm? What is it?"
Jeongwoo sat on the bed, not letting Haruto's hand go. He motioned the other do the same, which he did. Once they were comfortable, Jeongwoo took a deep breath and fixed his gaze at the floor. "So i have this problem…" he began
"Wait, before you start," Haruto interrupted. "Is it the reason why you've been so distant lately?"
Jeongwoo bit his lip. "You noticed that?"
"Of course, dummy. You're my boyfriend."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Jeongwoo asked, riddled with guilt.
"Because I thought you wanted space. I didn't want to pressure you or anything like that. We all need some me moments after all."
Jeongwoo's heart broke. How could someone so kind and understanding exist? "Still..."
Haruto placed a hand on his shoulder. Jeongwoo tore his gaze from the white carpet under his feet and properly looked at Haruto, who was giving him a radiating smile. "Hey, it's okay. You don't have to be guilty. The only thing I want to know is what exactly the issue is so we can work it out."
If only it was that easy. Jeongwoo didn't even know where to begin. "Okay. Just a clarification though, I know that whatever I'm gonna say is bullshit and they probably don't make any sense."
Haruto hummed. "They're not bullshit, okay? Your feelings are always valid. Go on, I'm listening."
"The thing is..." Jeongwoo could feel the tears forming in the corner of his eyes. He clenched his fist and assured himself that this was nothing to cry about, and that everything was going to be okay. Haruto would understand. "I've been wondering a lot lately, about why we're so... unlike the others. We're so secretive and lowkey and before you get angry, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being private but like, sometimes I just want to show you off to the world you know? I can't even hold your hand in front of other people. Sometimes I want to pull you and kiss you and shout that I love you but I just... can't. Because I know you don't like those and I respect your feelings."
"Hey, breathe for me. It's okay, I understand, I'm not angry." Haruto rubbed his arm. Jeongwoo didn't even notice that he had been holding his breath the whole time until he was already gasping for air. He knew he was crying, but he didn't care anymore.
"And the worst part is I don't even know what I want. I don't want you to change yourself just for me, but at the same time I don't want to keep ignoring these insecurities of mine or else they'd just keep on growing." Jeongwoo sniffed, pausing for a moment to collect his thoughts."I'm telling you this because I don't want to hide things from you, especially if it is about our relationship. You don't have to do or say anything, I just—" Jeongwoo wiped his tears and faced Haruto with an apologetic smile. "I just wanted to let you know. And also, I'm so sorry for being so distant these days. I was just overwhelmed with all these emotions."
There. Jeongwoo exhaled and it felt like a heavy weight had just been lifted off him. He felt so much lighter now that he finally vented out his feelings.
Haruto brushed a strand of hair away from his eyes and chuckled. "Idiot," he whispered. Then he leaned in to give Jeongwoo a tight hug, which the latter accepted happily. "I love you so much, remember that okay?"
Jeongwoo hiccuped, the tears coming back once more. "I love you too."
Haruto pulled away and cupped his cheek. "You don't have to be sorry. I didn't know you felt that way. I honestly thought that we were on the same page, but I guess I was wrong. You know, I really just want to take things slow. We're still young and we still have so much to learn about. I just... don't want us to make mistakes that we might regret. Because I want this to last. I want us to last."
Jeongwoo nodded multiple times. "I know, and I do too."
"And it's not like I don't want to do those things too. Do you know how hard it is to keep myself from kissing you everytime you bite your lips?"
Jeongwoo snorted, the tightness in his chest gone just like that. "Really, now."
Haruto rolled his eyes. "I'm telling the truth! But like I said, let's keep things slow. We're too young for that, you know what I'm saying?"
Jeongwoo smiled. "Of course."
"Good." Haruto intertwined their hands together. "And I really do like you a lot. I may not be that showy about it, but I really do. So plesse, don't doubt yourself again. I care about you more than you think I do."
"I promise."
"And about holding hands in front of the others, I just don't want them to tease us. But if you want to from now on, you can definitely do that."
"Wait, for real? Like, not just under the table anymore?"
"Yeah. If that's what you want," Haruto shrugged.
"As long as it's fine for you. Oh my god I really can't wait to see the look on Doyoung-hyung's face when he sees us holding hands."
"Why? What's with Doyoung?"
Jeongwoo laughed, lighthearted. "Nothing. He just thinks we actually hate each other and we're only dating for show."
"No way. You literally look at me like I saved your life or something. If he doesn't think that's love then I don't know what is."
"True," Jeongwoo commented. He then remembered something. "Oh and also, I've been meaning to ask why you always tease me. Can't you be a little sweeter?"
Haruto shook his head. "No reason. You just look cute when you're annoyed.
"I hate you."
"I love you too," he said, before bursting out into a laugh. Jeongwoo was frowning at first, but eventually he began laughing as well and soon the only sound that can be heard in the room was their mixed laughter.
"You're insufferable," Jeongwoo jokingly said after calming down. Haruto pouted and he looked so incredibly cute that Jeongwoo couldn't help but stare at his lips. Haruto noticed and hit his arm. "Ow! What was that for?"
"I told you, no kissing."
"I wasn't going kiss you!"
"You were thinking of it." Well, Jeongwoo wouldn't deny that. Haruto giggled. "Let's just hug for now and kiss later." He spread his arms apart and wiggled his eyebrows. Jeongwoo, a little bit flustered, allowed Haruto to tug him into his chest and tighten his arms around his body.
They didn't move for a while. They just sat there, enjoying each other's warmth. There was no words needed to fill the silence—the things inside their chest were loud enough to do the job. Jeongwoo hadn't realized it before, but Haruto was right. They shouldn't rush things.
Jeongwoo loved Haruto for who he was. Sure, he wasn't as clingy as Hyunsuk, but he was always there for Jeongwoo in the sidelines, ready to catch him if he falls. Sure, he wasn't as sweet as Junkyu, but he was thoughtful and he knew just how to lift Jeongwoo's mood up, no matter how unconventional his methods may be. Sure, he wasn't as romantic as Jaehyuk, but he was a gentleman and he truly cares about Jeongwoo a lot in his own, silent way. They were not like Hyunsuk and Jihoon, or Junkyu and Yoshi, or Jaehyuk and Asahi. They were not attached to each other's hip 24/7. They did not whisper cheesy pick up lines into each other's ears. They weren't always trying to eat each other's faces. They were not like the other couples.
But maybe they didn't have to be.
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