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I count myself pretty lucky in my affairs. Sure, I've been through more than my fair share of trouble, and I'm often separated from the ones I love. Like right now, I sigh to myself. Ravi is asleep snuggled next to me but I can't help gazing up at the endless stars. Despite a long day of sailing and fishing, surviving, I can not seem to silence my mind. The sea cradles our wee yellow boat, the way it always does. Tomorrow will be another long day of trying to find our way home. But still my mind will not rest. My chest aches with longing, and my eyes sting, blurring out the bright stars above.
I suppose I am just deeply lonely at the moment. I think back to Boston, and all my wonderful friends there. I am especially missing Amy, my dearest friend. I remember with some amount of fondness and confusion my last night there, before the Lorelei Lee set out for England, so very long ago. We slept in my cabin together. Amy and I have been close for many years, but she'd never been the way she was that night. Perhaps it is because I was about to depart with plans to wed Jaimy at last? She has always been so put off at Randall's attempts at my virtue, but this was the first time I'd suspected it was due to jealousy, and not disgust for her brother.
That night in my cabin on the Lorelei Lee she'd been quieter than usual all night. My dear beloved Amy had wiggled closer to me, when both of us were in our night dresses and tucked under the covers. I held her gently, but didn't push her for kisses, though I suspect she may have wanted them. Sometimes I wonder if I have done Amy a disservice being so descriptive while telling her about my various adventures. After all, I've seen a lot of strange things, done a lot of strange things. What's she going to think when I finally get home to Boston and I have to tell her all about my time with Cheng Shih? How much should I really tell her? Will it hurt her to know how close we were together? Those long nights, when I should have been dead, I spent instead in the arms of my Beloved Shih.
I drift off in those memories now. I can almost feel the gentle roll of the Divine Wind underneath me, instead of the tug of the Eastern Star pulling against her mooring. The soft silken fabrics weightless against my skin. Her warmth against me, all around me. Not speaking the same language but in perfect harmony all the same. I've rolled around with more than my share of folk before, but none as graceful and beautiful as Cheng Shih. I was overwhelmed at times by her intense stare, the power she held just in a look. I use words, movement and my own impetuous nature to get my way. She needed just a look to pin me in place, to bend me to her will.
My body remembers too, lying here, quiet and lonely, and longs for her touch. My Beloved Shih with her quick fingers and perfect mouth. She knows my body better than any other, even Jaimy. She showed me ways to pleasure that I had never known before. I smile slightly wondering if Amy would ever let me show her what I've learned. I would be such a good teacher I know... Hmmm...
I am lost in thoughts of the women I have loved. So much easier than with men in a way, no worries about babies, no pretending the man is in charge. I do love the men in my life, but often I spend as much time soothing their egos as I do enjoying their fine company. My often free spirited female companions, like Mairead, have thought little of sharing a few kisses and maybe a few pets with me. Only Amy has truly denied me. It's hardly out of dedication to Ezra, since I know full well she doesn't share such things with him either.
I have often wished for Amy to be just a little more free and easy. I would dearly love to take her sailing with me, perhaps just on a rum run to the southern islands, so she could learn to love the sea as I do. Maybe one day she could be convinced to come to England, and visit grandfather and the London Home for Little Wanderers. Or perhaps after Faber Shipping, Worldwide expands to the east Amy would even like to meet Cheng Shih, for I fear no words of mine will ever do justice to that magnificent woman and all her glory.
Of course Amy is still in school, and is no doubt becoming even more of a fine lady than she was before, while I seem to be forever relapsing into my old ways. Part of me knows, and grieves that Amy will never come to sea with me, but part of me is glad. Amy will be safe there, Amy will be the one friend whose life is never threatened on my account. Amy will be free to write her books and make a fine marriage and shape the future of Boston.
I know that I am similarly tied to the sea. I am not sure I could bear to stay in one place for the rest of my days, as my soul might just shrivel up and die if I found myself trapped in a fine townhouse with a husband and such, even if that man was Jaimy. Every time I do think on such things I find myself instantly drifting back to the deck of the Emerald, or Lorelei Lee, or even the Nancy B., any ship upon which I found true freedom. That freedom is what I love most in this world. I would be happiest with Jaimy by my side, maybe. But I known damn well I would be about as pleased if it were Amy, or even my dear Cheng Shih.
It is high time I settled my mind, and let dear Neptune rock me to sleep, the way he has my darling Ravi. I must find Jaimy, and Higgins, and everyone, and figure out what my next move will be. If I want to be returned to those I love I must keep myself together now. I nod almost resolutely to myself as my eyes finally close, imaging Ravi's warmth to be Amy's, and us all safely tucked in for the night at the Dovecote. As I fall asleep, I am smiling.