Chapter Text
You had never felt so conflicted with yourself.
On the one hand, the voice in your head told you that as long as Jean was happy, you didn’t want to mess that up. He had crushed on Mikasa for a long time; he had even shown you a drawing of his dream girl in high school. It had looked just like her, right down to the scar on the cheek.
Was Fate aligning for them? Or was Fate being fickle in mocking you? You knew Jean was happy. And you were glad, you were. But the selfish part of you wanted more than the way he saw you.
You wanted to pour your heart out to him in a lover’s embrace. You wanted to captivate yourself in the dancing of your lips on his. You craved more than the simple brush of the shoulder, the simple peck of the forehead he gave you when you were upset. You already were very open with him since he was your best friend; how much more could there be to want, right?
To you, it still wasn’t enough. Your dream self was happy to oblige giving you painful scenarios where you were both bearing everything to one another, physically as well as emotionally. It wasn’t lust, no. It was painstakingly simple to recognize that you wanted to share your very soul with him.
Everything you were, everything you are, wanted to show him however you could just how much he meant to you. How much you cared for him. Why would Fate be so cruel? There was a small problem. You had never seen him so happy. So in love.
While your selfish heart brewed with a bit of jealousy, the love and the years of companionship reminded you of what you would always continue to do and be for him: there. Yes, you would be there for whatever he went through. And while your heart was a bit wary and your insecurity was tearing you down while asking yourself if you were just as important as Mikasa, you knew you would never put your happiness above his.
So yes, you would suffer in silence until you picked up the pieces, but you were already lucky to be considered Jean’s best friend out of everyone in the world. Not lovers. Not partners.
Fate granted you a mercy in choosing to align your paths. This you were so thankful for.
So it remained.
Your happiness below his. His happiness over mine.