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It had been three days since Andrew had died, and to say it was rough would be the understatement of the year.
When Teddy and Owen had come to find Carina, Maya had just been getting ready to leave to go back to the station. She had seen them first, the looks of pure grief on their faces, and Maya felt her heart shatter into a thousand pieces for her girlfriend.
As soon as Carina saw them, she started sobbing.
“No,” she said, falling to her knees as Maya tried to hold onto her, “No, no. Don’t tell me. No. He was fine. He was fine. No. He’s my baby brother. No.”
Teddy and Owen had explained what had happened after Carina calmed a little, the brunette going silent as she sat there, Maya’s arm around her the entire time.
“You can see him if you want to,” Teddy offered, “They got him cleaned up for you.”
Carina nodded, holding onto Maya as they stood up. They slowly walked down the hall, Carina clinging to Maya’s hand. They got to the room. Carina stopping outside the door.
“Do you want me to come with you?” Maya asked, looking at Carina.
The doctor thought for a minute before shaking her head.
“I’ll be right here,” Maya said as Carina took a deep breath, opening the door.
She closed the door behind her, trying to wipe the tears off her face as she walked over to the bed where Andrew’s body was laying. He looked almost like he was sleeping. She went and sat down next to him, it hitting her that these were the last minutes she would be spending with her little brother. Before she knew what was going on, she started sobbing as she put her hand on his face.
She had no idea how long she was in there, but finally, it was too much and she got up, her stomach flipping the second she did and she ran out of the room, grateful there was a trash can right across the hall. She felt someone, Maya, she assumed, pulling her hair up, rubbing her back. Once she was done, a cup of water appeared in her hand which she happily accepted.
“You ready to go home?” Maya asked, rubbing her back. Carina just nodded a little.
“Come on,” Maya said, guiding her out of the hospital.
She had already talked to Teddy about all the paperwork, and they agreed it would be taken care of by the hospital.
“Do you need anything before we go home?” Maya asked, taking her hand.
Carina just shook her head, hand limp in Maya’s.
“Alright,” Maya said, and silently, they drove home.
When they got there, Carina had gone into the bedroom, Maya going into the kitchen, grabbing some crackers and water, hoping Carina would be able to keep them down. When she got into the bedroom, Carina was just lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling.
“Want some water? Crackers? Anything?” Maya asked, sitting down next to her.
Carina shook her head a little, just staring at the ceiling. Maya sighed, getting up. She was still in her formal uniform which had blood on it from Andrew so she went to change, putting on pajamas before going back to sit with Carina. She tried to hold her hand, but the brunette’s had just stayed limp.
“Maybe we should go to bed Babe,” Maya said, noticing it was almost 3 am.
Carina just kept staring at the ceiling, not moving, and that was how it was for the next three days. Carina didn’t move except to use the bathroom. She drank a little water here and there, but that was it.
Maya tried everything, but sitting still with someone who didn’t talk was hard for her. She cleaned the entire apartment, twice, ran an obscene amount on the treadmill, and paced a lot. She had no idea what to do for her girlfriend.
On the third day, she decided to go get some food from Carina’s favorite deli, hoping maybe that would entice her to eat something. On her way home, she called Andy, needing some advice, and Andy had lost more people than most.
“I don’t know what to do,” Maya sighed, “It’s been three days. She won’t eat, she won’t sleep, she hasn’t talked since we got home. I want to help her, but I don’t know how to.”
“I know,” Andy said, “There’s not much you can do. The kind of pain Carina is going through, I can’t even imagine.”
Sure, she had lost her dad, but she had had time to prepare for that, and she had lost Ryan, and while they were as close as two people could be, he wasn’t her little brother. Carina was in a kind of pain that was above and beyond all of that.
“I just want to fix it,” Maya said, rubbing her own tired eyes, having not slept more than 30 minutes in the past four days, “I want to make her feel better.”
“This isn’t something you can fix, Maya,” Andy said, “There’s nothing you can do or say that will bring her brother back. Just be there for her. If she wants to lay on the floor, lay with her. If she decides she wants to talk, shut your mouth, and listen. Just follow her lead, and be there. Nothing’s going to make it better, but just let her know she’s not alone.”
“Thanks,” Maya said, “I’m going to go try to get her to eat something. And thanks for covering for me at the station.”
“Of course,” Andy said, “I’ve got you covered for as long as you need me to. Carina needs you way more than we do right now. We are all here for you both if you need us.”
“Thank you,” Maya said, nodding as she hung up.
She went into the apartment, calling out, “Babe, I have soup.”
She got no answer which was what she expected. She went into the kitchen grabbing spoons before going into the bedroom, Carina still just lying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling.
“Come on,” Maya said, sitting down on the floor next to Carina, “I went to Salumi, and got you some minestrone. Can you please eat a little?”
Carina looked at Maya for the first time in days, nodding a little as she sat up. Maya had tried to get Carina to eat since they got home, but this was the first time that worked.
“Here,” Maya said, putting a bowl of soup in front of Carina, “I also have brioche if you want that.”
Carina took a small bite of the soup, rubbing her eyes.
Maya ate her own food, not looking at her girlfriend for a few minutes. However, when she did, she saw silent tears racing down her cheeks.
“Oh, Carina,” Maya said, setting the food aside, “Come here.”
For the first time since they got home, Carina fell into Maya’s arms, sobbing. She cried for close to an hour, Maya just holding her tightly.
“He’s never going to get to eat again,” Carina cried, Maya shocked at the sound of her voice, “Or sleep or breathe or practice medicine. How am I supposed to do those things knowing he can’t.”
“Oh Car,” Maya said, squeezing her tighter.
“He was my baby brother,” Carina sobbed, “Why him?”
“I don’t know,” Maya said, “I don’t know.”
“He was my baby brother,” Carina said, “My baby brother.”
They sat there for a long time, Carina just letting Maya hold her.
“What do you need?” Maya asked, running her fingers through Carina’s hair which was pretty greasy after not showering for four days.
“I don’t know,” Carina sighed, rubbing her eyes.
“That’s ok,” Maya said, “I’m not going anywhere so if and when you think of something, you just let me know.”
“Thank you,” Carina said, looking at Maya, “For being here.”
“Carina, I love you,” Maya said, “I will be here as long as you need me to. Can I offer a suggestion?”
Carina nodded, moving a little. “How about we get into bed?” Maya said, “Maybe try to get some sleep? Teddy dropped off a sedative yesterday so you can take one and sleep?”
“Every time I close my eyes, I see him in the aid car,” Carina said, tears welling up again, “Covered in blood…”
And with that, Carina broke down again, sobbing.
“Ok,” Maya said, “We don’t have to sleep. Not yet. It’s ok.”
Carina cried for a while longer before looking back at Maya.
“Can we take a shower?” Carina asked, rubbing her eyes.
“Of course,” Maya nodded, “Come on. Let’s go.”
Maya helped her up, guiding her into the bathroom. She started the shower, adjusting the temperature before looking at Carina.
“Come on,” Maya said, helping Carina pull her clothes that she had been wearing since Andrew died.
They showered, Maya helping Carina clean her hair. Once they were done, they got into pajamas before climbing into their bed.
“Maybe I do want a sedative,” Carina said, running her hands over her face, “I just need it all to stop.”
“Done,” Maya said, grabbing the bottle off the nightstand, “Here you go.”
“Thank you,” Carina said, swallowing the pill.
“Like I said, whatever you need,” Maya said, “Can I hold you?”
Carina nodded, moving into Maya’s arms.
“Wake me up if you need anything,” Maya said, rubbing Carina’s back.
Carina nodded, starting to cry again, eventually, finally, crying herself to sleep for the first time in days.
Maya just looked at the woman in her arms, vowing to herself that no matter what happened, she was going to be by Carina’s side through all of this.