Work Text:
"Yeah, she's my girlfriend."
That was it. Moke said it so easily, with a tint of red in his cheeks, his voice like feathers in the breeze.
But so, so heavy, was his heart dropping to his stomach.
"But she's not supposed to date, since she's an idol and all." He smiled so brightly, so much more honestly than Len had ever seen. "So it'd be really bad for her if people knew. That's why I didn't say anything. Be sure not to tell anyone, okay?"
Len always wanted to see him smile like that. It was a rare, precious delight to see it. But somehow, so easily, the joy he used to feel twisted bitterly and painfully inside him.
But he'd always been best at performing.
"Ah, uh. Right. Yeah."
And Moke, so smart, so nice, so cherished, walked away without another word.
Rin was asleep when Len cracked open the door and stepped out.
She'd tried her best to stay up and comfort him. "Why don't we watch some cartoons? Why don't we play Animal Crossing?" But Len couldn't stand any of it. He couldn't stand anyone. Rin eventually ended up leaving him alone with tissues and water, and encouraging him to sleep it off. She went to sleep by midnight, probably hoping Len would do the same.
Len loved his sister, but she really didn't know anything. She could never understand this. Once Rin was asleep, he left to the guest room and locked the door behind him.
On his phone, he typed Xinhua's name into Google. He didn't know anything about her before today, but as Moke had said, she was an idol. Some pictures and info came up about her, a sixteen-year-old Taiwanese idol currently living and performing in Japan. She still attended high school, along with her idol career on top of a part-time job.
She was older than Len, smarter than him, kinder than him, more mature, more successful. It was probably for the best that Moke liked her better. It was probably for the best that Moke was Xinhua's boyfriend.
Len didn't hate Xinhua for being so incredible. He didn't hate Moke for liking her more. He hated himself for not being enough like her.
Len was stupid. He knew that. Everyone knew that. He was so, so stupid to see anything in the way Moke looked at and spoke to him.
Everything about that...everything about him, and everything about that day at the aquarium...it was all a lie. He was never happy like that before Xinhua. He was never happy about me.
When Moke laughed and cried after Len spoke to him, after Len told him he didn't have to prove anything to anyone...was he really happy? Or was Moke just amused by Len's incompetence, and couldn't keep himself from mocking how stupid he was anymore?
It was a lie. He never liked me at all. Someone as smart as him could never like me. Someone stupid like me could never be good enough.
His phone screen lit up, a couple of texts shown up on the screen. He stiffened for a moment, then relaxed a little seeing Fukase's name with the messages.
hey dude i know it's like 1am oops but how are you doing
xinhua's like. avoiding me rip i feel like maybe she Knows
...did Fukase notice? Did Moke notice? Did everyone notice? Did everyone know that Len was pining so foolishly?
That's why Moke laughed that day, then. That was when he realized how much of a joke Len was.
Not just to Moke, but to everyone he loved, to everyone he'd ever thought liked him.
Len couldn't help but laugh a little. It was so, so funny, how everyone else watched him make a pathetic fool of himself.
Moke.
??? What is it
You didn't tell Fukase about us, did you?
uh
I didn't say anything, but
he might've noticed
I don't think I'm super good at like. hiding affection
What makes you say that?
well
??
I don't know. maybe I'm wrong
did he say anything to you?
No. I just have a feeling he might know.
I might just be nervous. Never mind about it
I'm gonna go eat
ok
I love you!
Love you too :)
Something didn't feel right.
This was perfect, wasn't it? Xinhua was so pleasant to be around, and when she gave him those chocolates on Valentine's Day, he realized how happy he was to be seen that way by someone like her. He liked her a lot. He loved her. He wanted to build up a strong relationship with her, and the thought of being able to safely introduce her to his friends and family one day. Being her boyfriend made him happy.
So why was there still something wrong?
Moke didn't understand how to explain it. There was something disjointed, something out of place that he'd left behind for someone else to pick up for him. And sooner or later, it'd fall onto him again in an avalanche.
Some sort of dread, that's what it was. It had faded into a shadow to grow stronger and stronger.
His first thought was to ask Xinhua for advice, but she already had a lot on her plate. Besides, somehow he felt that involving Xinhua in these feelings would make it even more dangerous.
Was it because of Len?
Moke sighed, realizing his jaw was tightened. Stop it. That's not realistic, that's not what's best. It's better this way, I want it to be this way. All I want is to make Xinhua happy.
But Xinhua wouldn't want him to leave everything behind. He didn't want to or need to leave anything behind. But the shadow that clung to him seemed to repel the idea of going back to his friends.
The last thing Moke wanted was to lose his friends. If they knew for sure about Xinhua, would they ever see him the same way?
Did Len see him the same way?
Did Moke see Len the same way?
Of course he did. They were still friends, just without the tension. Without that fantasy in the way, it was even better now, nothing to prevent them from just being easy friends.
So why? Why was he more terrified of Len than ever before?