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"So that's it?"
"That's it."
"You're just throwing it all away, for nothing?"
"Not for nothing. You knew this wouldn't be forever, Tora…you've got your career to think about-" Kenma wrung his hands inside his hoodie pocket and glanced away, expression unreadable.
"And what about you? What's your excuse?" Tora snapped, tracks upon tracks of tears stained his reddened cheeks. Not one to hold back on anything, he'd already spent the last solid hour sobbing and arguing, fighting to cling to the final threads of their relationship.
"There's no excuse, it just…makes sense. You're going to be busy and so am I…we should just do some growing up, think about our futures…" he replied, eyes glassed over and unfocused. He hated confrontation, Tora knew this, but he supposed it was only a minor fraction of the pain compared to his.
"I was thinking about our future, Kenma! Together!" Tora's voice quivered on the last word and he tensed his jaw, lips wobbling, holding back another sob.
"You're being childish, Tora, we talked about this early on, we knew what we were getting into.."
"I'm not being childish! I love you! I know what we agreed on - stay together till we get out of high school, but then it changed and we'd only stay together till we got out of college and…and I don't want a new agreement, I just want you…" he stepped towards Kenma, who took a step back and turned away, blonde-tipped black hair shrouding his face, saving Tora from the sight of his face, his stone-cold façade cracking, eyes glossy with tears, lips reddening as he bit back four years of emotion, of regret, of love.
The only regret Kenma held was his commitment to remaining noncommittal, but he couldn't tell Tora that, not now. He knew this was for the best - he'd landed a professional contract with an amazing team and he didn't need him taking up any of his time, no matter how much he'd grown to love, respect and admire him, no matter how much he wanted to make him his husband, to keep him forever. He did not want to get in the way of his success.
Tora heaved another sob, weaker this time - he was finally giving up, "…Kenma.."
"I'm sorry, Tora. It's best we don't see each other any more" he practically whispered before leaving Tora's apartment as fast as he could. He couldn't let him see the tears beginning to pour down his face or he knew Tora would take hold of him and Kenma would never be able to let go.
Tora moved to follow him but his legs gave way, weak with utter shock - he was really leaving. And so he kneeled prone on the floor as he heard the door close, his entire world walking out.
High school sweethearts; they'd decided to get together in their third year. They'd gotten much closer since Kuroo graduated and went off to University, and this closeness quickly turned to romance, but Kenma was always thinking ahead. He knew Tora wanted to go pro, and he was already setting up his gaming channel and beginning to study the stock market whilst eyeing up his college prospects and so their love had a predetermined expiry date.
It didn't quite work, and they tried, unsuccessfully, to separate that summer between graduation and starting college. Tora knew what he wanted, and that was Kenma - always had been, even when he was driving him mad, even when they were butting heads, he'd always known there was just something about him, so he never truly believed they'd keep to their agreement to only stay together till the end of college, but Kenma had stuck to his guns.
Suddenly alone, his apartment felt beyond empty, as did his chest, his heart rattling around inside his ribcage and pounding in his ears as reality sunk in. He was gone.
~One Year Later~
Tora was crowned the ace of VC Kanagawa. Another nail-biting match ended in victory for the whole country to see. Even Kenma. He watched every single one of his matches, even between his multiple jobs, all the board meetings and PR events Kuroo dragged him to, appeasing his fans online, he always made time for him. It was fine - he didn't sleep much anyway, not anymore.
When they'd been together, he always slept like a log. At first it had been at Tora's insistence - "no consoles in the bedroom!" , but before long, he came to love snuggling up against his warm, muscular form. He'd always hold him, or let Kenma lay across his chest, burrow up next to him, and their new routine had resulted in Kenma experiencing some of the most restful sleep of his life.
Now he was back to his old ways, pulling all-nighters like it was nothing, all the while downing cans of energy drinks and coffee, eyes often dry and bloodshot the next day. It wasn't something he had to force - he hated sleeping alone, so the few hours he did spend in bed were often sleepless anyway.
It was about 9pm and he was just finishing up editing a video whilst watching the V League highlights, Tora getting his own feature after being announced MVP after their latest win. He really was living his best life - he always looked so healthy and fired up. It gave Kenma reassurance that he'd done the right thing.
Finishing off the dregs of yet another coffee whilst the video began to upload, he set the can on his desk and leaned back to stretch when he noticed a subtle rattling noise coming from somewhere. He paused and listened, his eyes fixed on the empty can beginning to rattle louder and louder till it was practically bouncing on the desk, followed by his water bottle, his mic and his monitors all started shaking - soon the whole room was. Pictures were rattling off the walls and before he could get to his feet, he was hurled to the floor, along with shelving units; books and figures sent flying. Finally, all of his devices, his phone his tv, everything were flashing up with alerts - multiple warning sirens forming a stomach-churning chorus of dread. It was an earthquake.
The entire building felt like it was being whipped back and forth; Kenma's apartment was on the 8th floor and Tokyo didn't really experience earthquakes of any great magnitude but this felt huge. He crawled across the floor to the doorway and watched helplessly as his belongings were tossed around, and suddenly his thoughts were with Tora. He absolutely hated earthquakes. They had experienced a couple of noteworthy rumbles growing up, and it was during these events that the bold and fearless tiger of Nekoma was reduced to a pitiful little kitten.
The first time happened at a training camp and he fell to bits and hid in a cupboard, resulting in boatloads of ridicule from his teammates, but it broke Kenma's heart to see.
The second time, they'd had prior warning and Kenma had made his college dorm as cozy as possible once they'd secured all his belongings - they hid under the covers and rode it out together, Tora keeping his face buried in Kenma's chest, Kenma all the while stroking his hair and telling him dumb shit to keep him distracted. It didn't last long and there was minimal damage but Tora still trembled the entire time and a good while after.
Kenma stared down at his phone as he clung to the doorframe with one hand and he whined to himself when he saw a tsunami warning pop up next. He wouldn't have long to bring in his potted plants from the balcony and secure all his windows, but as soon as the rumbling subsided, he got to work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another win, another victory meal. Tora had turned down drinks, wanting to be fresh for tomorrow's debrief, so he bid his teammates goodnight and took a taxi back home to his apartment complex. Climbing the steps to his apartment on the third floor - the top floor for his complex, he looked out at the stars and wondered if Kenma had seen his latest win. He often used the excuse that he wanted to keep a clear head in order to get home early but it wasn't really the case. Avoiding alcohol was in general, a good idea for him since finding out that Three Drinks Tora was a depressed, emotional mess. Five Drinks Tora wasn't much better, desperately clingy and ready to fight at the drop of a hat, and God forbid Seven Drinks Tora ever make an appearance - he's catatonic.
Instead, he wanted to get home early to catch Kenma's latest upload. He often struggled to stay awake for his livestreams that ran through the night - he'd adopted a completely impersonal, nondescript username so he'd never know it was him, but he found it easier to keep up with him by catching his pre-recorded videos, which he watched religiously. He loved his longer videos, playing them while he was tidying up or cooking so it felt like he still had him for company. His Kodzuken persona didn't really differ much from his high school self, quiet and understated. It was a comfort.
After rushing inside, dumping his kit bag and kicking off his shoes, he took a quick shower and got his laptop out on his bed, letting it boot up while he blow-dried his fluffy mohawk. Before long he was settled into bed, and opened up the tab where Kenma's channel took up permanent residence, and refreshed the page. No new upload.
Weird, but not unheard of. Some nights he was a little late finishing up editing, he was confident it would be up soon, so in the meantime, he opened up his twitter feed to see if he'd made the trending page, or if any highlight videos had been uploaded yet. It always made him smile to see so many people from the industry @ or message him to congratulate him on another win - it filled him with pride. Most of his ex-Nekoma teammates fired him a message, Kuroo, Lev, Shibayama and Fukunaga were the usual suspects, Yaku too if he was lucky - his sister had already called him for the first post-match interview. He always got one from Tanaka, one from Nishinoya depending on what time zone he was in - he even got the odd message from Hinata now and then. As much as he appreciated each and every one of them, he'd give them all for a single message from Kenma.
It felt weird how they'd been apart for a year now. He could see he was getting on with his life, and Tora was getting on with his own, which was fairly well televised so he was sure his ex could check in on him without making contact if he ever cared to, especially since said ex still had a hand in professional volleyball with his new startup company and his sponsorship of rising star Hinata Shoyo. He felt a pang of jealousy at the thought. They had always been close. He wondered if that was why…
"Arrghh shut up, shut up, don't think about it…." he growled to himself, running a hand through his hair and leaning back against his headboard with a heavy sigh. Month after month, he'd slowly, privately come to terms with the ending of their relationship. It just wasn't for forever, that was never the plan, he'd remind himself, but now and then some leftover emotions would come bubbling up, more angry at himself than anything, wondering if there was something he could have done to save them, if he could have given more, but ultimately it wasn't to be, and he needed to accept that. Still, it made him happy to see Kenma happy - that's why he still watched his videos. He liked to think he'd be able to recognize the subtle tells that would suggest Kenma was anything but perfectly content, but he never found any. That reassured him.
He let out another heavy sigh as he soothed down the rising wave of old emotions and turned back to his laptop to refresh Kenma's page, when suddenly he heard a low rumble, subtle at first but quickly growing in volume and intensity. His pupils narrowed and his stomach hit the floor. One of his worst nightmares was happening again. He closed his laptop and reached around blindly for his phone that was giving off that unsettling warning siren, clutching it close to his chest as he got off the bed and dashed for the large storage cupboard where he kept the majority of his clothes, his belongings beginning to shake harder and fall. He could hear glasses that had been drying in the kitchen vibrate along the draining board and smash on the floor, and his tv creaking till the quakes grew in strength and tipped it over, stopping at least one of the emergency broadcast sirens wailing through the apartment, echoes of his neighbors devices could be heard through the walls.
Tora was beginning to hyperventilate, his entire body coursing with adrenaline, heart racing as he slid open the door and crawled into the bottom compartment of his storage cupboard, limbs heavy and weak, incapacitated with fear, and curled up on his side, clutching a spare pillow that was being stored there.
He knew it was stupid, he knew the country was built to deal with earthquakes just like this and he knew he'd be safe but right now he felt like the jaws of death were closing around him, and he was alone. He'd never been alone for an earthquake before.
As quickly as it had started, it reached its crescendo and tapered back down to nothing, leaving the place eerily silent until a new alert came through. There would be a tsunami on the way.
He could barely see his phone through his tears. Kanagawa was on the coast, South of Tokyo - it was going to be one hell of a storm.
Relieved the quake had stopped at least, Tora knew logically he was no longer in any immediate danger, but that did nothing to alleviate his physical fear response. Immobilized, he remained in his little compartment in the dark, trembling, cursing his own stupid phobia, shamefully replaying his first experience in his head, the coaches having to coax him out of the cupboard while his teammates looked on and laughed, the taunts he got the next day for overreacting to such a minor tremor.
Just over an hour had passed but he didn't know how long he was locked in that spiral of dark memories, it just seemed to keep playing over and over.
He could hear the rumbling,
"..Tora?"
their laughter and childish taunts-
"Tora!?"
they were calling his name.
"TORA!"
He snapped back to reality with a jolt. The voice was real, it was paired with hurried footsteps as its owner searched for him. He could hear the rain had already whipped up and the wind was howling through the windows - one of them was open causing the most horrendous noise, and finally he felt a hand on his back.
"..Kenma?", he rasped, his throat hoarse with nervous tension.
"Yes, I'm here, you're alright, you're safe, I promise.." Kenma reassured him, all the love in the world laced through his voice. He tugged at Tora's arm, gently encouraging him to turn around and come out.
Tora seemed to fall into a trance at the realization that he was really here, and moved slowly to crawl back out of the cupboard and fall into familiar arms, still trembling.
"It's okay, it's just a bit of a storm now, you're good…" Kenma murmured as they kneeled together, cradling Tora's head securely against his shoulder, stroking his hair just like he used to, waiting patiently for his trembling to stop, for his breathing to steady and deepen, for his shoulders to drop and relax.
Tora didn't have the capacity to speak for a long while. Kenma knew how that felt, he often had periods where he'd go non-verbal. It was a difficult thing to explain to someone who hadn't experienced it but he'd seen it in Tora after the first incident and it led them to one of many mutual understandings. Patiently, he waited, and when he was ready, Tora lifted his head and looked into Kenma's eyes with a…complex expression. Beneath the newly subsided fear, sat all of the love - and all of the hurt, glowing like dying embers in his golden-amber eyes.
"How did you get here?" he asked, his voice cracking slightly.
"You always forget to lock your door, idiot…" Kenma replied, voice warm with affection, his hands gently clasping his.
Tora blinked and realized he'd been in too much of a rush to watch Kenma's video, and he never thought anything of leaving his door unlocked anyway - he lived on the third floor, who was going to come all the way up here to steal what? His volleyballs?
"As soon as things stopped shaking, I got hold of a private cab to rush down here…I…I know you don't like earthquakes…" he explained, unable to take his eyes off Tora's. Fuck, he'd really missed him…
"…you remembered that…you didn't have to come down here just for me…" Tora replied, just as fixated on Kenma's.
"What if I wanted to?"
"Did you?"
"Yeah" he responded lightly with a little shrug. Damnit Kenma and his near-deadpan disposition.
Tora didn't know what to make of that. Kenma was the one that had chosen to walk away, insisting it was for the best, slowly letting their communication dry up till they were practically strangers. Hell, he was just starting to move on - he'd even made a tinder profile, not that he'd activated it yet…
"….missed your face." Kenma broke the silence, squeezing his hands.
"…missed yours too…" Tora replied quietly, taking in his features that were once so familiar. He used to kiss those lips, stroke those cheeks, press his forehead to his…He opened his mouth to speak when a particularly violent gust of wind howled through the apartment and slammed his window shut with a forceful thud, setting his nerves on edge again. He jolted and cringed pitifully, ashamed to let Kenma see him so weak, but Kenma didn't care. He pulled him close like it was the most natural thing in the world and pressed his lips to Tora's temple, scritching his nails gently through his hair where it swirled at his crown.
"It's okay" he whispered "M'not going anywhere…"
Tora melted into Kenma's touch, as much as one could when they were on edge and terrified, his arms wrapping around his frame like he had done so many times before, but he made a strange sort of humming noise in response to his reassurance. He appreciated the kind words but they pierced deep - he would leave and they would go back to being strangers. Strangers who still knew each other so intimately.
"I mean it. I wanna stay…if you'll have me…" Kenma's voice got small but it didn't matter as he murmured the words directly into Tora's ear, knowing that uncomfortable hum and the very specific blend of messages and emotions behind it.
"What changed your mind?" Tora asked, his voice muffled against Kenma's thick hoodie. He didn't want to be pitied. He didn't want false hope of him saying he'll stay then make his excuses and leave again in a week.
"I never stopped loving you." he murmured, breathing in his scent, tightening his arm around his shoulders as he slowly nuzzled against him "I was an idiot. I thought it was the grown-up decision…"
Tora released a shaky breath, feeling the tightness in his chest slowly abate as his words sunk in.
"Kenma, I…I can't even think straight right now…" he lifted his head to look at him, to search his eyes for any trace of dishonesty.
"I'm sorry, I guess I assumed.." Kenma trailed off as Tora's hands slowly came up to cup his cheeks, and was silenced by warm lips pressing so preciously against his. He savored every second of it, and when they parted, his cheeks were pink, eyes wide in surprise, and Tora was smiling back at him, his face still stricken with turmoil.
"I never stopped loving you either, but can we talk properly in the morning when my brain's back online?" he asked softly with an apologetic smile.
A warm grin spread across Kenma's face as he nodded, awash with relief, and he leaned up to kiss him back, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck, making up for lost time. Tora's arms tightened around his waist, pressing their bodies as close together as they could get.
"C'mon, let's go to bed" Kenma murmured after a while, nudging his nose with his own.
"Sure, just lemme lock the door first"
"I promise I'm not going anywhere"
"Very funny…"
"Too soon?"
"Wait till the tsunami's passed at least.."
"Sorry"
"It's okay"
"It's not…"
"…it will be"