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It was dark, a land with no end yet the brown haired girl felt so narrowed, frightened. A glimpse of an old man appeared before her, with a face so gentle but filled with immeasurable disappointment.
“Hand me that hat back.”
Her blossom eyes widen. The old man’s hand reaching her slowly as she soon realized he was none other than her beloved grandfather. Trembled in fear, her mind spoke, “What do you mean? Did i do something wrong? Am i really that of an embarrassment to you?” Ever since she was born she always believed her grandfather loves her endlessly even if the whole world turns their back on her, but what if that was a lie? What if her mind created those fake scenarios to ease her silly little heart?
Slowly taking off the 75th Wangsheng Funeral Parlor Director’s hat off from on top of her head revealing her buns when tears started to roll down, finally handing it away. She had no choice, even though people claim they respect her whenever she is hosting a funeral. Hu Tao is known for her solemnity during every funeral she had holds. Aside from that, whats from her that people loved? Her out of character personality despite her being in great connection with the death. Deep down she knew, she’s a nobody amongst the others. What makes her special? The other deceased directors surely are way better than her. Plus point on how their personality are that of an angel, even outside their affiliation.
“If only there is someone other than you.” The man spoke with the voice of someone that she longed for the most. She screamed in her mind, unable to hold back her emotions, “Please don’t say that, anything but that. Not with the voice that i haven’t heard for gods know how long, please...” The hat finally out of her reach. The moment he grabbed it, the dark room crumbled into pieces. Hu Tao can feel an immense falling sensation desperately trying reach back up until she saw the last glimpse of her grandfather’s face, it was disgust. Her body felt cold when she realized that would be the last image of her dear grandfather in her memory. Once she wanted to disappear, letting her soul fall down into an endless pit.
“You are finally awake, master Hu.”
Said a man in fancy dressing, a pair of eyes so sharp someone could feel embarrassed just by being stared by them, “Is there something wrong?” he continued as he saw her pale face waking up in cold sweat. She answered as her cheerful self,
“Why would there be? I am doing perfectly fine thank you. Also why are you here? I thought people nowadays know that respecting others privacy is a common sense!”
“I am fully aware of that statement, but it is very unlikely for you to wake up at this hour. So i decided to check up on you if you do not mind.”
Glaring at the clock it was almost in the middle of the afternoon, missed her morning routine consist of creating poetries. Speaking of poetry, it reminded her of an old friend Xingqiu. He once told her that he sees morning hours as something so precious to him, telling others to not waste it. She respects him a lot knowing that he masters both the art of poetry and swordsmanship, two most unimaginable combination anyone could come up with. He is respected by many people in Liyue, not only because he is the second son of the Guild Manager of the Feiyun Commerce Guild nor how he proclaimed himself as practitioner of the Guhua Clan's arts, but because a kind and gentle boy is who he is.
Hu Tao often sees Xingqiu hanging out with Chongyun, the talented exorcist. Never has she known someone so balance of both positive and negative energy. Rumors going around about how passionate he is as an exorcist made him one of the most loved and adored by all children and adults in Liyue. Unlike how Hu Tao feels about herself, both of them are truly remarkable in her eyes.
Hu Tao finally got out from her bed forcing herself to forget about the horrible dream, but nothing can change the fact that she’s trembling and cold to her feet. She dressed herself up but the moment she glared at the hat, ready to put it on top of her head. The dream kept haunting her telling her not to use it, this would be the first day of her not wearing something that people say as the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor insignia. Carefully she placed the hat on her shelf. Hu Tao bursted through the door,
“Good morning Zhongli, ferrylady! What does the world have in store for me?”
“Master Hu, we are precisely in the middle of the day already.” Zhongli said, noticing something is different.
“But i just woke up and i don’t want to miss the morning sensation, so that doesn’t apply to me!”
“Anything that you wish for, master Hu.”
“Speaking of which, where is Meng? I need him to accompany me to the Adventurers Guild again!”
A man with slight beard on his chin walks up to her with a clean, simple yet stylish outfit. He noticed Hu Tao didn’t wear her hat that she used to be so proud of, but he set that thinking aside. They were ready to start the day as she walks out of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor’s building, “Ah, i can smell Xiangling’s cooking! I can’t wait to try it out later!” Her cheerily voice echoes throughout Liyue, she heard some sighing amongst the crowd as she walks out to the road. Usually she wouldn’t mind, but the thought of the dream striked once again. Feeling discouraged, she saw Xiangling cooking passionately in her kitchen, ready to serve both Xingqiu and Chongyun who are laughing joyously on their chair. Ah, it must be nice to have their cooking loved by everyone across Teyvat. Unlike Hu Tao’s cooking which some may find horrendous, she thought to herself as she walks slightly slowing down. Those three are slightly younger than Hu Tao, yet why does Hu Tao felt so embarrassed of herself compared to them? Hu Tao is bound by her responsibility, which made her unable to hangout with them further. Sometimes she is jealous of them being free from a responsibility of maintaining an image of the deceased, made them able to fully enjoy their childhood.
“We’re here, master Hu Tao. May I wait outside like usual?” Meng spoke short and clear, she can see the Adventurers Guild up from the staircase. Something is different today, she feels terrified and overly anxious. She was scared to even move an inch. “Why am i here? Why am i forcing this? Why do i keep trying so hard?” An uncountable thoughts ran into her mind over and over again as she took a small step up through the stairs.
“What if they hate me?”
Just when she could see Lan’s and Katheryne’s faces, she heard a loud sigh coming from them both.
“Not you again, what is wrong with you? How many times should we tell you? We are not interested in your business, ever. Please leave as soon as possible we don’t want your presence to discomfort our dear adventurers.”
Those are the exact same sentences she hears everytime she comes here. Yet, why does it feels like it’s striking right through her chest? Standing cold in her place where she stood, a formal apology continued by a slight bow as she made herself out.
Meng noticed the abnormal, “I-is something wrong, master Hu Tao?”
“No, no, everything is fine. don’t worry, i suddenly remembered i have something to attend later this evening. You can go back first if you’d like!”
Hu Tao answered with her usual wide smile on her face, made Meng assumed everything is indeed okay and goes back to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. Hu Tao watched his back fading into the distance, another pain in her chest striked again. Was it really unnoticeable? Was he not concerned about her? Is no one ever cared for her in the first place? The horrible thoughts came back again, one on top of the other rushing through her head. All that has happened today was normal, she experienced this yesterday and the day before too. Yet, why does today felt so different? Is it because of her last dream? Hu Tao is lost in her own mind, the negative thoughts consumed her over and over again made her hard to remain in the conscious world.
Hours have passed since then, the bright sunlight began to fade as the elegant moon starts to show its beauty amongst the sky full of stars. Xiangling noticed her friend has been sitting there alone, having no one to ask why nor give a slight concern for her. Feeling regret that she didn’t accompany her because of another busy day in the kitchen, Xiangling called out her name to offer food for the night. No answer, Xiangling decided to walk up to her but she stopped the moment she saw Hu Tao finally got up from the chair and headed towards the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor assumed that she was heading back home.
Hu Tao’s heart never felt so empty yet so full before, one emotion after another kept rushing through her heart. She wasn’t thinking of anything when she sat down for half of the day, her emotions were too loud for her it made her nauseous. Walking slowly on the desolated path. Not to Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, but to Wuwang Hill. Thinking that she might need a bit of refreshment, instead of paper and ink to write poetry in the middle of the night, she took out her staff passed down generations to generations. Her grandfather said the Staff of Homa was used many years ago to slaughter those who were harming the living, but that era has long gone. Hu Tao finds it’s no longer as effective as before now that there are many people protecting the Harbor, she felt free from that responsibility yet she still studies the art of the staff in order for it to be alive in one’s memory.
But she never loved fighting, almost that she hates it when she got her vision. She was waiting for days to meet her grandfather in the border between the living and the dead when she was only 13 years old, a place no one dared to mess around with. But he never showed up, made many of the deceased laughed at her endlessly.
“Silly girl, why would Old Hu be here of all places? What were you thinking, looking for your relatives here?”
The young and exhausted Hu Tao ignored them, because of how out of energy she was. No food and water for days made her unconscious and passed out for countless of times, until a little old woman laid her eyes on her.
“Look at your stubbornness, you are exactly like Old Hu. It is a shame, but none of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor Directors would ever linger here. You come home from a family of plain speakers, so let me return the favor.. Go back. Go back to where you came from.”
Hu Tao believed they never linger there and go straight to the other side of the border because they have no regrets. She always wanted that; dying with no regrets. But what if it was a lie? What if her grandfather goes straight to the other side because he has no interest on meeting her granddaughter for one last time? What if he was simply not cared for her as how she expected?
The horrendous thoughts corrupted her mind, tears bursted out of her eyes, a loud cry can be heard in the middle of the night of the deserted Wuwang Hill. No one could hear her screams considering she is in a place that is so far from Liyue Harbor. The cold shiver ran down her spine, then she felt a burning sensation from her vision pendant on her back. It hurts. Can’t seem to stop the tears, her emotions were all mixed up, her heart shattered to pieces unable to withstand these many emotions she has never felt before all at once. She took out the staff and starts to burn everything around her relentlessly. Unleashing all of her unpolished techniques one after another. Everytime she unleashed her vision, she hurts herself. Even the slightest movement hurts, but the more pain she endured, the more powerful her attacks become. Whenever she has to fight she has no choice but to keep risking herself, dragging her soul closer to the realm of the dead.
When Zhongli realized this he claimed, “Why is pyro vision so destructive, please restrain yourself from using it whenever you have the chance not to. I beg of you, master Hu.” His voice sounded so serene it brought tears to Hu Tao’s eyes when the memory crossed her mind. Her surroundings are burnt like a sea of flames. She can’t feel her feet anymore after it’s covered in burns, she can feel her heart tighten each time she took a breath. She fell to the ground exhausted with a face filled with devastation. She saw a place so familiar in front of her covered in leaves, the bridge between the living and the dead. The place where she almost starved herself to death when she was young, she wanted to come in for one last time before her time comes.
A moment of nostalgia hits as soon as she stepped her foot into the place. The old repetitive puzzle that many found difficult and confusing, but not to her. She dragged her vulnerable body to the bridge, a bright warm light spotted in the distance. When she got herself in, she can’t help herself but to lay down helplessly. Noticed by many of the dead asking why and how, she remained silent. Not because of she doesn’t want to answer, but she felt like if she spoke a few words she would cough herself to death. Laying there feeling like she could die any second, she joked to herself one last time,
“If there is one thing i would love to get rid off, it’s me. Why? Wouldn’t it be funny to see a trash picking themselves out? Haha.”
She joked her cheesy pun thinking it’ll be her last, do people found it genuinely annoying when she did that? She saw a silhouette of her grandfather. In a state of shock, she desperately reached for him but failed as her vision started to blur, finally passed out crying.
“How many days have it been since master Hu left?” Zhongli asked as he touched the surface of Hu Tao’s desk, unusually empty for days were enough to make Zhongli worried.
“It’s been 4 days, Sir.” The ferrylady answered, there has been no search regarding of her missing. Because many believed its another of her mischief, she could be writing thousands of poetry on top of a mountain, no one knows her little mind. Meng rushed through the door, a group of kids appeared to be by his side one with an ice blue hair, a fancy dressing, and a bear like creature hanging onto one of the kid.
“Last time i saw her she was sitting on a bench near the Wanmin restaurant, she headed here when i tried to reach her so i let her be! What do you mean she is missing?” The most popular chef in Teyvat spoke in an un normally exasperated tone.
“Though she does look a bit different, there’s something missing in her gaze.” The boy in fancy dressing continued.
Zhongli’s vibrant eyes widen, everything clicked now. How she woke up in cold sweat, how he found her hat on her shelf, how he didn’t feel her presence at the Statue of Seven for so long. It all connected in a straight line. He ran to her room taking a specific thing with his hand, ready to set out.
Hu Tao found herself laying in the dark void precisely the same as the one nightmare she had a few days ago. Not having any motivation to move, she stayed laying there, waiting for nothing to happen. She noticed something so bright on the side of her views, she didn’t even bothered to tilt her head.
The dark void slowly turned into warm and gentle white, Hu Tao felt warm as she saw the silhouette of her grandfather for the second time in a dream. What is he going to say? What more could possibly break her like how it did last time? She said with a gentle smile on her face,
“It’s okay, just tell me anything.”
“...” The old man remained silent.
“Haha don’t worry, anyone could be awkward meeting their granddaughter in the realm of death.”
“...”
“Tell me, am i even suited for this job?”
“...”
“Me being the last of Hu’s bloodline is surely a pain, i singlehandedly ruined an entire generation’s reputation, huh.”
“...”
“I’m sorry.”
It was dead quiet for awhile. She turned her back against her grandfather, her heart isn’t ready to see his face again. Accepting her death, she didn’t feel the slightest emotion. No happiness, no anger, not even sadness. Is this what dying with regrets feels like? If it is then she felt sorry for everyone who died with it because it feels horrible to her. She curled herself when she noticed the old man that has been standing still is coming closer to her. She can feel herself getting warmer the closer he gets, indicating that she missed her grandfather in an immeasurable amount.
“My little Tao.” The man said in the most soothing voice she could have ever imagined. Her heart was shaken in place, her body can’t resist so she slowly turned her head meeting her grandfather’s eyes with a smile so sincere. He placed his rough yet kind hand on top of her head, stroking her hair gently. A rush of memories of her grandfather when he was alive went through her head, she wanted to hug him so bad but her body resisted her to do so. Unable to move an inch, tears started to form as she felt a warm feeling on the place which he softly stroked her hair.
“Forgive me, I’m so sorry for acting childish. I’m so sorry for playing around too much, i’m so sorry for putting too much work on Zhongli. I’m so sorry for being me, please forgive me. If only mom and dad gave birth to someone else, maybe—”
“There is nothing wrong about you.”
The man said as he carefully picked the fragile young woman up,
“Please keep on living. For me, for yourself.”
She cried her heart out hugging him tightly as soon as her vision started to darken, her body felt disintegrating as time flew by.
She slowly opened her eyes noticing the ceiling of the bridge between the living and the dead. Realizing she is unexpectedly alive, she noticed she was hugging her hat that is covered by her tears instead. But who could be bringing this here? She saw a man crossing his arms sitting right beside her.
“How are you?” he asked in the lowest tone possible, not getting a response he offered her a warm food and a drink, knowing full well she hasn’t eaten for days since she was unconscious. “If you ever wondered how you are still alive, our little miss Qiqi helped. I feared you will feel uncomfortable if i were to suddenly bring you back to Liyue Harbor, so i brought her here.” He said as he pointed to where Qiqi hid. Hu tao had sincerely apologized to her after the whole incident, but she wasn’t expecting Qiqi to accept her apology since Hu Tao herself admitted that what she did was over the line. Hu Tao kept asking herself why would Qiqi help her, wouldn’t it be great for Qiqi to left her to rot?
“Zhongli told stories about Hu Tao to Qiqi, Qiqi still can’t forgive Hu Tao. But maybe one day Qiqi will, give Qiqi time.” The little zombie said behind a pillar.
“Thank you, Qiqi. For saving me.” Hu Tao thanked her wholeheartedly with a weak smile on her face, still curled up hugging tight to her hat. Qiqi jumped when she heard her gentle voice, sounded the complete opposite of what Hu Tao is in Qiqi’s mind.
Hu Tao asked Zhongli for how long did they wait here, he replied,
“You have been missing for 4 days, master Hu. Please do not worry about me but to yourself.”
“Is anyone worried while i was gone?”
“I do.”
They both sat there in silence as Hu Tao slowly eats the food he brought her. She felt her eyes was so dry because of her tears, she wipes them away with a piece of burnt clothing of her own. Zhongli noticed how tired she is both physically and mentally, he said,
“Emotions are what makes someone human, someone told me that humans life are fragile. How they die in such a young age made them ambitious to reach their goals, all of them are driven by emotions. So do not feel ashamed to show yours, I will always be by your side even if the whole world turns their back on you, master Hu. At least that is what i have made contract about with your honorable grandfather.”
“What would you do if i decided to dismiss that contract?”
“I would simply make a new one.”
She chuckled when, but it is true. Zhongli is one of a few that trusted Hu Tao with her decisions, it made her feels safe whenever he is around. Hu Tao sees him as someone she can rely on more so like her own grandfather, she’s thankful for his presence.
“Zhongli, am i an annoyance to everyone?”
“Do you see yourself as such?”
“Always.” She answered with a frown
“It is your decision only, wether you would like to change or not. Though personally i am unbothered by your cheerfulness, it makes Liyue feels livelier as ever. I am certain many thinks the same.” He answered as he helped her to sit down.
Hu Tao felt warm when the words passed her ears, she then thanked him wholeheartedly and told him how much she’s so grateful to have someone like him by her side. Zhongli gave a relieved sigh, felt so glad that Hu Tao is doing slightly better. He asked if she’s ready to come home, when she accepted it, Zhongli cautiously carried her on his back.
She poked him and asked, “Should i call you with honorific from now on?”
Zhongli let out a small laugh, “You are free to call me whatever you like, master Hu.”
Hu Tao can see the little figure, Qiqi, tailing them from the back, keeping guard. A thought crossed her mind, what was she doing incalculably trying to bury her. She didn’t know what was her story so she assumed letting her rest would be the best option, all this time she thought Baizhu was taking care of her just because of his selfish fantasy about “immortality” despite being a mere mortal. Hu Tao promised herself she will make a gift for Qiqi when she got home and apologized not only to Qiqi, but to everyone for everything that she had done.
Her eyes felt so tired she wanted to sleep for a moment. Before she went into a quick nap, she said half-consciously as she rest her head on his broad shoulder, “Zhongli,”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”