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You stepped into their office after your victory, fiddling with the ring on your finger. Everything had been the same since before the Yeagerists enacted their coup. Old pictures, ones of your younger days with them. Messy piles of Titan research and official business scattered their desk, chicken scratch handwriting not changing since the day they were born. A pair of simple wire glasses, exchanged for goggles when the time came to embark on a new journey. A shiny nameplate with their name on it. A name that would haunt you for the rest of what was supposed to be your shared life. Hanji Zoë, 14th Commander of the Scout Regiment. You touched their desk, finally registering the hot tears that spilled from your eyes ever since you had entered the room. A room once filled with light and love was now left desolate, devoid of the person who gave you hope. They were never going to be there again.
Never researching Titans again.
”Meet Sawney and Bean!” Hanji presented the monsters restrained by the numerous chains proudly, like they were their most prized possession.
You looked over at Moblit. Who knows how many titans Hanji had raised within their time knowing you. It was frankly getting a bit tiring, constantly worrying about whether or not Hanji, the only Scout with enough balls to get close to these things, would do something stupid and end up a snack. He practically begged you to “just go with it” with only a look.
As much as your legs trembled, you put on a smile for Hanji. It was the least you could do for them.
“Hello Sawney, Bean. It’s nice to meet you” you waved at the beasts, your voice shaking.
Hanji took notice of this. Of course they did. They were a researcher, after all.
“Why are you so scared? It’s not the first time you’ve met one of my Titans. Don’t worry, your knight in shining armor will always be here to protect you, just like the good old days!” Hanji beamed, their eyes shining.
Their smile could rival the sun, you thought. It was unfathomable to the young researchers that you still found them charming.
“Don’t you remember? That one time we were training and-“
“That’s enough Hanji!” You quickly silenced them, knowing a rambling about your past was about to follow. “We can talk about old times later. You can also tell me about what you find out about our new friends. Just tell me when to visit, and I’ll be there.”
Hanji’s face lit up even brighter than before. You didn’t think it was possible for a mortal to rival the sun. Nobody would listen to them ramble about Titans the way you did. Erwin would never have enough time, and Levi would just tell them to take a bath. But you would sit with them for hours on end, completely absorbed in what they said.
“It's a deal!”
And with that, Moblit redirected their attention to Sawney and Bean. Moblit enjoyed their ramblings much less. You loved how Hanji’s eyes would sparkle when they told you about their day and the fun facts they had stored in their head about Titans. You would sit with them through the night, letting them talk until the candle went out in their room. You were so enamored by the way they were so passionate about Titans. It was like they could see the beauty in everything around them, even these killing machines that terrorized villages and left most soldiers, like that Eren Yeager kid, traumatized. That’s what kept you around them, and you were falling for them before you knew it.
Never sharing a laugh together again.
Hanji’s hearty laugh was music to your ears. Levi, on the other hand, found it extremely annoying, especially when he was the butt of the joke. You were sitting around with the other veterans, exchanging stories and cracking jokes.
“...And the guy thought I was his mom or something. Can you believe that?”
The room erupted with laughter. Even Erwin got a chuckle out of hearing Hanji’s story about Levi being mistaken as a child. You could hear Hanji laughing the loudest, snorting occasionally, which only made them laugh harder.
“Alright crew, enough laughing about Levi. We have work to do in the morning, so let's head out.” Erwin slowly got out of his chair, cracking his back in the process.
A chorus of “yes Commander”s followed. Everyone had left promptly after that, except for you and Hanji. You knew Hanji wouldn’t have gone to sleep anyways. Instead, you continued to exchange stories in hushed voices, careful about not being caught.
You caught the same sparkle you were all too familiar with in Hanji’s eyes as they spoke. Like the stars in the heavens were all placed into their eyes. That was your favorite part about them. You couldn’t understand why everyone refused to try and connect with them. They were so smart, so passionate, so…
“Hey! Is anybody in there? Hellooooooo!” Hanji was waving their hand in your face. They looked a bit googly-eyed.
You were suddenly snapped back into reality. You had gotten lost in their eyes.
“Oh! Sorry, Hanji. I guess I’m a little tired. I promise, next time you’ll have my full attention.” Like your thoughts weren’t flooded with them at that moment.
“You should go to sleep then. I’m sorry for keeping you awake again.” Hanji sounded a little disappointed, a slight pout forming on their face.
Cute.
“Don’t apologize, you know I like your stories. Goodnight Hanji, please go to bed tonight.” You exited the room and sighed. Your face was burning after being caught daydreaming about the squad leader right in front of them.
Damn, you thought, I really have it bad for them, don’t I?
Never being their shoulder to cry on again.
Hanji had been inconsolable the whole day. Their wailing echoed through the barracks, creating a chaotic melody almost nobody could stand. As much as you… liked Hanji, their crying made it a little hard to do paperwork. You sighed when Moblit appeared at your door.
“Yes, Moblit?” You already knew what was coming.
“Please, just spend some time with Hanji. Sawney and Bean meant everything to them, and everyone is starting to get pissed at us.” Moblit looked exhausted.
You removed your coat and nodded, making your way to Hanji’s room with a glass of water and some tissues in hand. You knocked lightly on the door, the cacophony ceasing for just a moment.
“C-Come in…” The pain in Hanji’s voice made your heart hurt.
You entered quietly, greeted by the sight of a very distraught Hanji. Their eyes were puffy, snot ran down their nose, and their usually messy hair was even more than a mess. The room was littered with empty glasses and tissues. They were really mourning those things.
You didn’t get it, you never would, but they made Hanji happy. You couldn’t believe yourself when your heart dropped after hearing the news. Your mind filled with Hanji in a different way than usual.
You were concerned, worried even. In the moment, you despised your line of work. You wanted to be there for Hanji. As much as they cried, you wanted to be their shoulder as long as you could be. But now would suffice.
Once you closed the door behind you, you set the glass on the table, and opened your arms instinctively. Hanji made a sound in between a wail and scream and ran into your arms. You stumbled backwards a little, and the waterworks started once again, this time, it was directly into your shirt.
Anyone else would have shoved Hanji away. You’re sure Moblit tried his best to keep his outfit clean. But you just let Hanji get their grief out. It was the least you could do.
“Hanji, come on. Let’s at least sit on your bed, so we’re both more comfortable.” You pushed Hanji lightly off yourself.
Hanji let out a sniffle and nodded. Your heart shattered seeing them this way. You would never think the eccentric Hanji could be this broken over some Titans. You wiped a tear off their face, a bit embarrassed by the act, and helped them towards their bed, keeping your arm around them the whole way there.
You sat down, making sure there was enough room for Hanji to lay down in your arms. As soon as they returned to your arms, the sobbing resumed. You gently removed the tie keeping their hair up, and combed your hands through the tangled mess. Coaching them through their sadness, you felt your shirt getting wetter by the minute. You’d worry about that tomorrow.
You hated seeing them like this. You decided right then and there, Hanji would never cry alone again. You would always be there for them, their shoulder to cry on for the rest of your life, however long it was going to be.
After a while, the crying stopped. You had been with Hanji for about 2 hours, judging by the state of the candle at their desk. Then, the snoring began. Hanji was exhausted, having cried almost all day. You carefully maneuvered yourself, trying to get out and return to your quarters for the night. Hanji, however, had other plans, and had a vice grip on your waist. You laughed quietly at this discovery. Hanji had really become attached to you, quite literally. Sleeping cuddled up like this might not be so bad. You obeyed Hanji’s wishes, finding a comfortable enough spot to rest while moving as little as possible, careful not to wake them up.
You pressed a light kiss to the crown of their head before you slept, praying they weren’t conscious enough to realize what you just did.
They were conscious, and it would plague their thoughts for the next few weeks.
Never seeing their brain at work again.
That damn Colossal Titan. Hanji had devised the perfect plan, and the Scouts were at the verge of victory. Until that thing fell off the damn wall and ruined everything. It captured two of the younger Scouts and left the rest of you injured. Some worse than others.
You woke up, your head pounding. You were on top of the wall with the other Scouts, waiting for Erwin to arrive. Mikasa and Armin had been up for what seemed like a while, not as injured as the rest.
Panic flooded your mind. Hanji. Where was Hanji? They couldn’t have died. If those kids had survived, there's no way they didn’t. You looked around frantically, almost as panicked as Mikasa was just a few moments ago. Your eyes landed on a brown haired individual, and your heart became lighter. Hanji.
You rushed to their side, brushing the hair out of their face. They were alive. Injured, but alive. They wouldn’t leave you just yet.
You didn’t register that you were crying until you saw a droplet hit Hanji’s burned face. These damn titan shifters Hanji was so fascinated with. These fucking kids, almost killing everyone, only motivated by their selfish desires. They didn’t care about you or Hanji. That Yeager brat only fucking cared about killing Titans.
You heard a deep voice and horse hooves hit the top of the walls. The Commander.
Hanji immediately woke up. They started to crawl towards the Commander, visibly in pain as they moved.
“Hanji, please, just stay still. I’ll get Erwin’s attention for you, just relax right here for me, okay?”
Hanji was stubborn as hell, the one part of their personality that annoyed you. Despite the pain, they crawled far enough until they reached Moblit and latched onto his ankle.
“Get me a map…”
Even when injured to the point of immobility, Hanji’s brain was at work. As much as you should pay attention, you could barely focus. Despite them being covered in injuries, they have never looked more beautiful to you. Their determination shone through, and in your eyes, they were the brightest star you had ever seen, a million times brighter than the one that indicated North.
The other Scouts were sent to a nearby Titan forest to rescue Ymir and Eren. You decided to stay behind just this once, at the other veterans’ request. They knew Hanji would want you to be by their side more than anyone else.
You tried not to let Hanji see your tears while you watched over them in the infirmary. Every so often, the thought of potentially losing them reentered your mind, and as much as you hated it, you resumed crying. You would protect Hanji at every turn from now on.
You sat down at their desk. It was devoid of their warmth.
It didn’t feel right. You were one of the only survivors of the mission to retake Shiganshina. Erwin was dead. Moblit was dead. So many comrades died at the hands of just three Titans.
Hanji was the new commander. They inherited the title and the office, and had been holed up inside ever since you all had returned. The bolo tie you all wore on your necks now was heavy with survivor’s guilt. You knocked on the office door lightly before stepping inside.
Hanji was sitting at Erwin’s, no, their desk. They had been crying. Not as heartily as when Sawney and Bean died, but their sadness carried much more weight to it. They had lost some of their closest friends, the only ones who tried to understand them when no one else would. It made sense Hanji was breaking apart slowly. These were their friends, ones that they had known and relied on for such a long time.
You approached the chair in front of them carefully, the fireplace crackling besides them.
“Hanji…” You began, your voice trembling seeing the tears on their face.
“Don’t feel bad, Y/N. This was bound to happen. I just wish I had more time to talk to them before…” You could see the floodgates beginning to open.
“If it’s any consolation Hanji… I know you’ll be a great commander. You’re so smart, and your passion shines through everything you do.” You wiped a tear off their face, just like the first time you comforted them.
“Thank you…” The silence was heavy.
You had never been in this type of situation with them. Hanji was always talking around you, excited to be with someone who listens. Now, they could barely muster up the energy to talk. Afraid that they would seem weak, afraid that you would think less of them. They thought of their friends, how they wish they could've told them everything they wanted to say to them in their last moments. Hanji couldn’t lose the chance to let you know how they felt. You could be stolen from them at any moment, and they would be left with the same regret they were facing now.
“Hanji.” Your voice snapped Hanji back into reality.
“Sorry, sorry. Just got a little lost in thought.”
“Would you like to talk about it? You know I love to listen.”
They froze. “Love” was the word they were looking for. “Love” was what they felt around you. “Love” was you. You were their “love”.
“Alright, I guess I’ll humor you.” Hanji chuckled in response, and you could feel a bit of nervousness in the air.
“I keep thinking about things left unsaid. I should’ve told Moblit how much I appreciate him. He gave his life for me. Erwin too. He gave his life for all of us. I can’t keep living with regrets, Y/N. That’s why I have to say this now. Before I lose you like I lost the others.”
You started to open your mouth, but Hanji quickly silenced you with the move of a hand. Stop, they seemed to say, let me finish. Like a true Commander.
“You know how much I appreciate you… That much I’ve told you countless times before. But it wasn’t the full truth as I know it now. I admire you, your determination, and your ability to listen to me even when I go on my tangents. I adore you, Y/N. More than Sawney or Bean. More than I can express to you right now. I want you to know how much I love you. Before everything goes to shit again.”
The silence returned. Hanji shuffled uncomfortably in their chair. You felt your face burning, hotter than when that damned Colossal almost took Hanji away from you.
“I understand if you don’t feel the same. It can be a little hard to be around someone-“
“Hanji. You are not hard to be around. I love you too. I always have. Ever since we were young.”
Hanji finally had hope for their future as a Commander. With you by their side.
You let out the same quiet tears Hanji did four years prior. You’d never get back the times you shared with them.
It took a whole year to eradicate the titans completely. It had finally become safe enough to take an expedition outside the walls, and the Scouts had a purpose.
The beach.
When you first saw the sea over the horizon, you couldn’t believe your eyes. This grand expanse of pure blue, untainted by humanity, was lying outside the walls the whole time. You looked behind you to see the younger Scouts just as amazed as you were. Armin’s eyes seemed to sparkle similarly to the scenery in front of you. This was his dream, Mikasa told you, his reason to keep going. This was the first time in a while you’d seen everyone around you smile.
You looked over at the commander, no, your partner. The sparkle in their eye had finally returned.
-
Each one of the Scouts carefully unmounted their horses and removed their boots. The sand was a foreign feeling beneath you. Hanji took off their goggles, admiring the sight ahead of them while the younger Scouts booked it towards the sea.
You stood there with the remaining veterans for a moment, thanking the world for keeping you alive until now. Levi and Hanji. They had become your support system, your rocks, and you didn’t know where you’d be without them.
“Close your mouth Hanji,” Levi said, “You’ll catch flies.”
Hanji immediately realized they’ve been gawking at the sea, their cheeks gained a slight pink tinge.
“Levi, don’t act like you aren’t amazed by this too.” You laughed, “Come on, let’s go join the others.”
You grabbed Hanji’s hand and ran towards the water, Levi dragging behind you both. The water was freezing cold, but clear enough that you could see all the shells beneath the surface. Hanji looked like a kid in a candy store. Everything was so foreign to them, so new. They let out yelps of joy, splashing around in the saltwater, and pointed excitedly at things none of you had ever seen before.
“Hey! Hey, Y/N! Come look at this! Come look!”
“Hey Hanji!” Levi shouted from a couple of feet back, “Whatever the hell you’re about to touch is probably poison.”
You laughed, thoroughly amused by their curiosity. You felt something below you as you moved towards Hanji, like a rock. Reaching down, you realized it was a lot more delicate than typical rocks, and a lot more weirdly-shaped. A shell, you would later learn it was called. Perfect to give to Hanji.
“Hanji!” You said, cupping your free hand around your mouth to project your voice, “Wait there, I’ve got a surprise for you!”
You ran towards them, feeling the cool water splash around you. As soon as you got close enough, you revealed the shell behind your back. Hanji gasped and threw their arms around you.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you! You’re the best, darling! What did I ever do to deserve you?” They picked you up and swung you around, overjoyed to be handed this strange object.
“Hanji! Hanji let me down!” This was the hardest you’ve laughed in a while. It was nice, being happy.
They let you down and started to pepper your face with kisses. None of the Scouts would ever forget the pure joy they felt this day.
You looked to the shelf to your left through blurry vision. The shell stayed there ever since that day.
“Come in, darling”
Hanji didn’t even have to look up. They knew the way you knocked by now. At this point, you had been together for four years.
“You wanted to see me, Commander?” Hanji laughed lightly. You would always call them Commander to tease them.
Hanji motions for you to sit in the chair in front of their desk. The room was dimly lit, save for a few candles and the fireplace. Their hands were covering the lower half of their face, like they were thinking about something serious.
“Commander?”
Hanji sighed. It was now or never.
“Y/N. I wanted to thank you. For everything.”
“Hanji… you know I’m always gonna be here for you. There’s no need to thank me, just being here with you is enough.” You extended your hand to meet theirs and held one, reassuringly rubbing your thumb over it.
Hanji opened a drawer with their free hand, taking out something small. They stood up, taking you with them towards the fireplace.
“I know I haven’t been the best Commander, hell, I don’t even come close to Erwin, or the best partner…”
“Hanji! Don’t be silly. You’re doing amazing. I’m sure the others feel the same about your leadership.” You placed a soft kiss on Hanji’s lips.
“Y/N. Listen to me. Before we start this conflict with Marley, I need to know something.”
You nodded silently, still holding onto Hanji’s hand.
“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to a nutjob like me. You listen to me, whether it’s about work or what to do next, you help me more than you could ever know. My love, you’ve made me feel more loved than I could have ever imagined, more than I deserve.” Hanji sunk to their knee, never letting go of your hand, never breaking eye contact with you,“What I mean to say is… I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to grow old with you. Y/N, after this is all over, would you do me the honor of marrying me?”
You feel tears welling up in your eyes and Hanji finally reveals the ring they’ve been holding. Simple, but stunning.
“Of course Hanji… I love you so much. I can’t wait.”
Their face lit up like a thousand suns. A huge weight had been lifted off their shoulder. They’d have to thank Levi later for helping them through this. They placed the ring on your finger, and held you close. Never before did they think they’d be able to feel as happy as they did right now. You kissed Hanji passionately, your heart bursting with pure love.
It was your turn to have hope for your future. With the Commander.
The tears don’t stop. You were going to spend the rest of your life with them. You were going to be happy.
Everyone around you was covered in scars. You and the others had successfully defeated Floch’s forces, making preparations for the flying boat to take off.
Just a little more, you thought, you were going to see this battle to the end and live happily with your partner.
Hanji is talking with Levi about your fallen comrades when you hear a bang. Floch. Mikasa makes quick work of him, at the expense of the fuel tank. The mechanics say it will take at least an hour to fix the flying boat.
Your heart drops when you feel it. Rumbling.
You run outside to see them. Titans. A wall of them approaching you all.
Armin and Reiner start to bicker, and all you can hear is a ringing in your ears.
Until Hanji speaks.
“Stop. I will take that burden.”
You speak faster than you can think.
“Hanji… Hanji what do you mean? Hanji you can’t possibly…” The ringing continues, louder than ever. You can’t think. You can only feel your chest tightening.
Their expression is cold. They disregard you, heading towards Armin.
“Armin Arlert. I’m promoting you to 15th Commander of the Survey Corps.”
Your legs give out, and Mikasa catches you. You can’t breathe, can’t think. “No” is the only word that fills your head. They can’t, they promised. They promised they’d be with you. Forever. You had hope. You finally had hope for your future.
You scream, silently. Mikasa had to keep you from running towards them, to beg and plead with them.
“Goodbye everyone!”
The smile on their face was fake. You knew that. So fake it made your insides twist. Why would they smile? They can’t leave you. Please. Not before we’re almost done. Mikasa motions downwards towards you. She knows you need some sort of closure before you break completely.
Hanji reluctantly heads towards you. They can’t allow themself to cry. They have to be strong. For you and their former subordinates.
“Hey, hey love. I’m right here. Listen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t marry you. I know I always say I want to live without regrets, but I guess this is going to be my one regret, huh? Please hold on for me, my love. Take care of Levi, okay? Take care of my office, take care of the young ones. I love you.” Everyone could hear their voice begin to waver and they held your face gently, “I love you so much. I have to go now, you deserve a long and happy life. I’ll always be with you, my love. Always.”
You could barely breathe. All you could utter was a chorus of “please” and “don’t”. Hanji gives you one last kiss, for as long as they can. You’d never feel their love again.
“I love you, Y/N. So much. I’ll see you again soon.”
“I love you, please don’t. I love you.” was all you could reply.
They allowed themselves to shed a tear before saying goodbye to Levi.
“Devote your heart.”
They had to drag you away. All you could hear was screaming. Your screaming. As they fixed the flying boat, you tried to run, tried to run to Hanji. To your only hope. Levi held you back with all he had. Every second they were out fighting those things, buying you time, felt like an eternity.
As the flying boat flew away, All you could see was steam. Hanji was no longer there. You screamed for them as Onyankopon flew away. You couldn’t stop sobbing, you wouldn’t stop. Levi held you, trying his best to comfort you as you shattered.
That was the final order of Commander Hanji.
You couldn’t stop crying in this damned chair. Your hope had vanished before your eyes. You were alive, but for what? You had no purpose, no motivation, no Hanji. You were never going to marry them. You looked at the ring on your finger once again, and would sit in this office for the rest of the night, devoid of the last bit of happiness in your life. 14th Commander, Hanji Zoë.