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Dazai woke up drench in a cold sweat. He sat up from his futon and lifted his hand to massage his temple, trying to ease the upcoming migraine. It was the same usual nightmare, Odasaku dying in his hand with the same scenery and all except that instead of whispering words of comfort as his last wish, he said with a harsh tone, “If only you didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have to die with this place as my deathbed. I’ve regretted ever having you as my friend.”
Then everything turned black and Odasaku’s body disappeared but his hand was a puddle of blood spilling to the floor from the many lives he stole.
Dazai filled in the glass with cool water and gulp it down swiftly as if he never drunk water for weeks. Sighing, he placed down the glass in the sink feeling too worn out. Dazai knew very well that Odasaku will never say those cruel words and he knew that it was Mori’s fault, he knows because Oda is his closest friend but his inner monologue keep on replying to those damn words along with the curse chanting that it was his fault.
He felt himself slumping on the kitchen cabinet and slid down until his bottom touched the cold tile of the kitchen floor, feeling his body getting numb and drowsy. Aaah… He wants to die; perhaps today it will be the day he succeeded. Dazai slowly closed his eyelid as he felt his fatigue growing stronger each second, letting himself getting succumb into the abyss of darkness.
Today he must be succeeded in killing himself.
Dazai fixed his gaze on the beautiful view in front of him while leaning on the iron rail of the agency building, the sky was truly a masterpiece. Like a canvas while the sun itself was the painter, painting the sky delicately with golden yellow, violet, and tangy orange. Each shade was magnificent, what a pretty sight to see before death.
“Dazai-san…?” his lonely thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice calling him and the sound of a door being opened then closed, “Oh, if it isn’t Atsushi-kun!” the brunette greeted the male with a false cheer.
“Did Kunikida ask you to fetch me? My he’s always such a stick in a mud~”
“Not really, I came here on my own accord and...” Atsushi said bluntly as he slides to the ground beside Dazai, joining him sitting on the floor before continuing his sentences, “Dazai-san… seemed kind of down lately.”
“Oh?” Dazai felt the warm hand of Atsushi slowly encasing his own, gently massaging his hand with his thumb to give the older male a little bit of comfort, and shoulder softly bumping to each other. “So you’ve noticed…” he muttered softly.
Dazai laid his head onto Atsushi’s, feeling the silver hair tickling under his cheek “Say Atsushi-kun… What do you think of me?”
"Huh? What do I think of Dazai-san?”
“Yes, Atsushi-kuuuun…! You really need to pay attention to me,”
Dazai pouted and faked his pained voice.
Atsushi frown at the sudden question, “Well, um… To be frank, Dazai-san is an annoying person who likes to relentlessly tease me when I’m trying to do my work or even an important mission and always dump his work to me,”
Dazai smiled painfully, ‘Of course, Atsushi-kun would think of me like that. Aaah, what do I expect? Oh well more reason for me to die,’ he thought to himself before it was cut by Atsushi, who continued to speak.
“But even so, I believe Dazai-san is a good person! You always help me with the mission and even take care of me when I’m in trouble. I also found your carefree attitude lovable because it’s making the agency a lot livelier and uh—” Atsushi started to ramble aimlessly while his cheeks started to heat up, but Dazai wasn’t paying attention anymore. His thoughts focused on one thing, the sentence where his protégé claimed him a good person kept repeating in his mind like an endless stream.
He didn’t understand Atsushi. Which part of him is a good person?
Seeing Dazai’s confused look, Atsushi began to smile fondly, “I’m aware that Dazai-san used to be in the mafia, how you treated Akutagawa and how many lives you’ve taken back then, but Dazai-san is a good person now. You save people now and you’re changing into a better person. I— everybody is happy about it. Even Kunikida-san, he never shows it but he’s proud of you.”
Dazai’s movement stilled for a moment as he stared at the young figure next to him in disbelief, clearly stunned by Atsushi’s word while his body stiffens. Feeling the sharp gaze directed to the weretiger, absolutely not believing any of the words he spouts out. Atsushi peeled his body away from Dazai before grabbing or cradling both of his cheeks and stared at his mentor’s eye intensely with affection before declaring to him again, “You’re a good person Dazai-san because if you’re not then you shouldn’t have saved me or Kyouka or even anybody in particular. You could have left us to die yet you chose to save us so you’re already a good person.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes!”
Dazai’s lip started to form a grin from ear to ear, “Really?”
“Now I feel like you’re teasing me…” the weretiger replied with a scowl, before removing his hand away as he placed himself back to his side while mumbling something under his breath, probably about ‘Dazai-san is being annoying again, which of course Dazai heard and teasingly poked his side. Comfortable silence enveloped them with only the sounds of their soft breathing were heard as they continued to lean to each other.
“Dazai-san…?”
“What is it?” just as Dazai turned his head to look at Atsushi suddenly he felt a soft peck placed on his cheek. “A… a magic spell… t-to help… you feel… better….” The boy says while dropping his eyes sheepishly.
When Atsushi took another glance at the suicidal man in front of him, Dazai’s face had exploded into different shades of red, who of course didn’t expect his action.
“I…I didn’t know you were that bold, Atsushi-kun...” Dazai said while faking his cough, clearly still feels flustered with his action while the younger male decided to hide his face behind his palm to flush off his embarrassment, “I just wanted to c-cheer you up!!”
The brunette chuckled as he pulled Atsushi closer to his and wrapped his arm around his neck before nuzzling on his hair, ‘I guess I’m not dying today…’ Dazai briefly thought with a small smile decorating his face.
‘…I want to live for Atsushi-kun at least…’
“Don’t cry…Atsushi…” Dazai feels another droplet.
“Dazai-san… Why…” he faintly hears Atsushi’s uncontrollable sobbing as he felt more droplets of warmth wetting his face, he didn’t mind it at all. “You shouldn’t have pushed me away… You shouldn’t… I could’ve healed myself anyway… So why…”
“You won’t heal…”
“I don’t care! It should have been me…! Not you… not you…” Atsushi exclaimed weakly, still holding Dazai’s bloodied body closer to his. His head bowed down with his shoulders slumped while Atsushi continued to cry all of his heart out, and clenching the tan coat under his hand.
“I’m… sorry… I’m sorry, Dazai-san…”
When Dazai’s fingertips reached out, he tenderly wiped Atsuhi’s tear away while ignoring the little flinch from his sudden touch, “You’re strong, Atsushi-kun… No use in crying…” he coughs out again, more blood splattered from his mouth.
Atsushi sharply suckled in a breath, “Why did you…”
“Heh… I saved your life… I guess that makes us even… Saving me at the rooftop…”
The weretiger froze. “Huh…?” Atsushi momentarily stopped his sobbing, “Wh-what do you mean… Dazai-san…?” He question. The sentences Dazai manage to rasp out gave Atsushi a swirl of confusion in his midst of sadness. He didn’t remember any time where he had saved Dazai’s life from a death-threatening situation.
Then everything clicks in, the weird question and the rooftop a couple of days ago where he saw Dazai standing by the fence, looking so empty and tired as if... He had given up being alive. At that time, Dazai truly wanted to die that time; he was about to until Atsushi himself had intervened. The weretiger blinked his eyes and roughly wiped his tears away.
“You’re not going to die.”Atsushi determinedly states as he wobbly stood up. Even with his injured ankle Atsushi carefully sling Dazai’s arm over his shoulder and hobbled forward.
“Dazai-san, you will make it so, therefore, please… stay with me