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The weight of the pin that was once so dear to him was no longer on his hoodie.
And yet Reki felt heavier than he had ever felt.
"Morning, Reki" Langa muttered, his voice wavering slightly. He set down his bag with more force than necessary and pulled out the chair from under his desk, plopping down on the seat.
Reki ignored the greeting and turned his gaze further away from Langa and rested his head on his palm, refusing to look the other in the eye. He hadn't talked to Langa since he had screamed out his name during Langa's race against Joe in Adam's tournament. In fact, he hadn't come to school for a few days either. He'd been too busy.
Too busy sulking.
He hadn't told him he had returned his 'S' pin, either.
And he wouldn't do so now.
It had been an impulse decision, really, something he had decided to do in the heat of the moment. All of his frustration about the jealousy he felt toward Langa and the others and the disgust he felt toward himself for feeling that way had finally spilled over, leaving him feeling like he had no other choice if he ever wanted to get rid of the crushing feeling.
He had to stop clinging to his friends.
He had to leave S.
So he had walked right over to the guards, taken off the pin and given it to the nearest guard and walked away without looking back.
Hearing Langa's hesitant greeting now brought back the memories and feelings of that night with such force that Reki felt like he was suffocating. The frustration, jealousy and regret were suddenly closing in on him and engulfing him, leaving him unable to breathe or think. The only thing keeping him grounded was the loud chatting of his classmates and the gentle breeze that was blowing from the slightly open window on his left.
Reki gently shook his head and slapped his face with his palms to return himself back to the moment, pretending not to notice the worried looks Langa was sending his way. School was no place to be thinking of S or the fight with his... best friend.
...Right. Langa was his best friend.
Still is his best friend.
Hopefully.
Sighing deeply to get his lungs working again, Reki sat up straight and tried to turn his attention to the teacher who had just stepped into the classroom, instead of the blue-haired boy on his right side.
This was going to be a long, long day.
It wasn't as though Reki hadn't known he wasn't quite as good as other skaters before the last few days. He knew that he improved slower than most of his friends, but he had always managed to excuse it with the fact that he was skating for fun. Skating was one of the only things that brought him joy, one of the only things he could pride himself on.
Hearing that he wasn't as good as Langa - no, Snow - from the same people he considered to be his closest friends, though, had hurt him much more than the offhanded comments from other skaters or fans he'd had to endure the past week, even if they had said it jokingly.
Reki wasn't typically one to get offended by mean jokes. In fact, he usually participated in jokingly bullying his friends because he knew none of the jokes were meant to be taken to heart and they made sure everyone got their fair share of jokes. It just pained him to hear one of his worst insecurities be made fun of so lightly, as if it wasn't that serious. As if it wasn't way too close to the truth.
He had tried to laugh it off, of course - he was the moodmaker of the group and being in high spirits was just what he did. He couldn't let his friends know he'd been hurt by their comments because he feared he would've caused them to feel guilty and he couldn't bring the mood down when everyone around him was so excited, so giddy, so… unbothered. Happy.
So he put on a smile, threw up some finger guns and headed his own way.
Then there had been that… that fight. With Langa. Where he had lashed out at his best friend.
He had a valid reason to feel betrayed by Langa - the promise to not be reckless nor pick a fight with Adam was something that Reki did not take lightly. He was completely serious about being worried for Langa's safety, even if Langa himself didn't seem to care about what would happen to him in the worst case scenario. To have his best friend go against his own word and break the promise they made together was the match that finally ignited the hot flame of anger that had been sparking up inside of him for a few days.
And he'd just had to go and tell Langa they were no longer a good match and that he no longer wanted to be friends with him.
And he'd just had to go and scream Langa's name at the top of his lungs during Langa's race against Joe.
Because truth be told, Reki had known Langa would never keep the promise. He'd just wanted to calm down his anxiety about something bad happening to Langa.
Langa was too thrill-seeking, too brave, too bold. Wanted to prove himself way too much for someone with nothing to prove. As if everyone couldn't see how incredible he was, how fast of a learner he was, how he looked like an angel without wings every time he was in the air on his board.
Well, at least Reki saw him that way.
But he was pretty damn sure the others did, too, judging by the amount of talk there had been of the new rookie who had managed to beat multiple skating celebrities and even dared to go against a legend like Adam.
There was a side to the incredible Langa that the others never saw, though. A side only Reki had been lucky enough to witness. The side of Langa that was just a timid, shy seventeen year old boy learning to skate and socialize for the very first time.
The Langa who had a hard time talking about his feelings.
The Langa who did his best to support his mother after his father's passing.
The Langa who fell over on his board as soon as he lifted his foot off the ground.
The Langa who, at the end of a rough day, went home covered in bruises and bandages.
The Langa who looked at Reki as though he was someone to be admired, someone to look up to.
And Reki had just thrown that all away for the sake of his own feelings.
God, he was stupid.
But stubborn.
He refused to face Langa or apologize to him quite yet.
More than anything else, he was incredibly ashamed of his outburst. He had never lashed out at anyone the same way he had lashed out at Langa.
Not even his former best friend.
The shame was the worst part of it, though. His body felt wrong , like it was too small to hold an emotion as strong and as large as the embarrassment he felt about getting so angry at Langa even though he had good reason to be angry.
As it turns out, all of his emotions are stronger when Langa is involved, not only his happiness.
He wasn't a fan of that.
Deciding to not continue that train of thought, Reki turned around in his bed to stare at the ceiling, only to be greeted by a dark ceiling and a lack of light in his room. How long had he been thinking of Langa for? Fifteen minutes? Maybe thirty at most?
He rolled to his side and reached for his phone he had thrown on the floor when he walked into his room after school. He turned on the screen and winced at the bright wallpaper of his friends killing his eyes due to him leaving his screen on full brightness during the day. Squinting his eyes, he looked at the time.
10.30 pm, the screen read.
10.30 pm.
He had gotten out of school around 4.30 pm.
Six hours. Six entire hours. He had just spent six entire hours laying on his bed, thinking of his best friend and wallowing in self-pity.
Good god, he needed some fresh air soon.
Reki turned on the phone screen again, entering his passcode, planning to send a quick text to Miya to ask about any new skateboarding video games. He wasn't much of a gamer, but Miya enjoyed games to an unhealthy extent sometimes, so he figured he'd give it a shot. Turns out video games could be a lot of fun if you were good at them - which, decidedly, he wasn't, but he was planning to get better at them so he could play with Miya.
Grinning to himself, he opened the message app.
His smile faltered as he opened the message app and started looking for Miya's contact name, which was saved as "Miyaow" in his phone - a cute portmanteau of Miya and the word meow.
He couldn't find Miya's contact in the conversation list.
Ah, that's right.
He had deleted his past conversations with Miya when he decided he was going to stop clinging to his new friends.
Well, then.
Reki sighed and huffed frustratedly, running his free hand through his messy red hair.
Reki smacked the top of his head with the same hand he'd been using to mess with his hair, his signature hoodie's sleeve hitting his eyes and decided to put his phone away and focus on something that would make him feel better.
Ding.
Just as he was about to set his phone back down on the floor, he got a notification.
Ding.
Ding. Ding. Ding.
The notifications started pouring in, one at a time.
Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.
Reki desperately tried to mute his phone that was now lagging due to the amount of notifications that were coming in every single second.
Dear lord, Reki thought, let this not be the end of this phone.
Finally managing to hit the mute button, Reki opened the message app again.
Oh.
Langa.
Langa had been sending him messages for hours and the notifications were just now coming in. He forgot he'd muted him during school because he knew Langa would try to contact him after school, especially after their incredibly awkward encounter during their morning class.
Reki scrunched his nose in annoyance.
Well, he wasn't entirely annoyed, to be honest. A part of him was relieved Langa was still trying to contact him even though he'd been avoiding him for days because he didn't want to go through the confrontation he knew was bound to happen sooner or later.
He knew he was being difficult.
Why did Langa even bother with him at this point?
He started going through the messages.
Langa 💞
Hey
Reki
Have you left school yet?
I wanted to walk home together
Like we usually do
Reki?
[received 4.30 pm]
Langa 💞
Um
Reki
I know you're avoiding me
I notice it
Can we please talk?
[received 4.45 pm]
Langa 💞
I'm going to stop annoying you soon I swear
Could you just please answer me something
Even if it's a no
I don't like talking about my feelings a lot
You know it
But I want to talk this through please
[received 5.15 pm]
Langa 💞
I just saw a Naruto headband
You're into that stuff right? I wanted to get you one lol
[received 6.03 pm]
Langa 💞
Actually.
Reki.
If you won't answer me
Not even to tell me you need space or something
I'm gonna come over.
The usual route.
See u soon x
[received 10.27 pm]
Wait.
10.27 pm?
That meant Langa would be on his way to Reki's house right now. He looked around his room, filled with trash and clutter from all his moping. He hadn't cleaned in days.
He could not let Langa see it.
Reki
langa i swear to god
do not come here
if you really want to do this now meet me at the skate park we usually see at okay
langa
langa
langass
get it? langa… ass..
im coming to the skate park ok
dont come here
[read 10.37 pm]
Langa 💞
Too late, Reki
[sent 10.38 pm]
Reki heard a small clink on his window.
Then another.
It had to be Langa. Reki opened the window and stuck his head outside, finding Langa and his motorcycle standing right outside his window with small rocks in his hand he had probably picked up from the street.
Even in the crappy lighting of the streetlamp he still looked like he was glowing.
And he was smiling at Reki.
Smiling.
Like Reki deserved to see Langa smiling at him.
For a moment, time seemed to slow down as they stared at each other, Langa smiling and Reki with his mouth hanging open from the surprise.
Having Langa look at him with such bright light in his eyes, Reki couldn't even remember what he had been so angry about. Couldn't remember why he had avoided him for days.
The constant, uncontrollable stream of loud thoughts Reki was always fighting against slowed down to a silent trickle of thoughts about the boy standing in front of him.
It's always calm right at the eye of the storm, isn't it?
Revelling in the quietness of the moment, Reki allowed himself to crack a tiny, real grin for the first time in days.
Langa was here.
His Langa.
Then, suddenly, as if remembering what he was here for, Langa's smile faded and his blue eyes, just now sparkling with excitement, lost the stars that Reki was pretty sure he'd just seen.
Right.
Langa was probably here to tell him he hated Reki and that he was selfish.
His thoughts started racing again, stumbling over each other and running into each other, shattering to pieces and putting themselves back together and resuming their neverending racing.
He was convinced the wooden floor below his feet was somehow magically being flipped upside down under him.
Realistically, he knew Langa wouldn't say that. A tiny part of him wished he would, though. He hadn't exactly been the greatest best friend lately.
But what if Langa did say that? What would he do? Reki had gotten too used to the gentle, hesitant touches of his best friend. Too used to always having someone to go to when he wasn't feeling the best, even if he didn't show it around Langa. Too used to the excited greetings in the mornings and the tired but content goodbyes at late nights. Too used to having Langa around him at all times.
Fuck.
He couldn't take it if Langa hated him.
He felt a small object hit his forehead. Snapping out of his spiraling thoughts, Reki looked at Langa, who was still standing outside under the dim street lamp, now sticking his tongue out at him.
"Fuck off, Langa" Reki muttered and turned away from the window, desperately trying to resist the urge to flip him off.
And despite his best efforts, he couldn't help but smile.
Langa just laughed quietly and leaned on his motorcycle.
"Just get your stuff and come here, dude."
A few minutes later Reki was standing at the front door, hesitating to open it.
He did want to see Langa. Seeing him was the best thing that had happened to him the entire week, even if it was for… unfortunate reasons. Seeing his best friend smile at him like that again was something he didn't know he needed as much as he did.
Opening the front door after a few moments of turning the situation over in his mind over and over again, Reki stepped out and breathed in the cool night air. Apparently it had rained earlier. The road he and Langa were standing on was glistening, streetlights dancing on the small puddles of water whenever a gentle breeze passed through.
Langa's expression had turned somewhat wistful. He had fallen quiet in the few minutes that had passed when Reki was getting dressed and gathering his most important belongings.
Quiet.
Langa was a lot of things. Quiet was often one of them. He kept his emotions quiet around most people and didn't talk too much, either, preferring short, simple answers and questions rather than long explanations and rambles, unlike Reki, who had a bad habit of going on tangents about a million different things and stumbling over his words before he got to the point he was trying to make.
Reki was the exception to Langa's quietness.
Langa was always more open around him, more talkative. He'd still beat around the bush with his questions and answers, but he'd talk with Reki until the wee hours of the night.
Langa was also stubborn, just as Reki himself was. They'd often get into silly arguments about things that didn't really matter just because neither of them knew how to back down from a challenge, but it usually ended up with both of them laughing their asses off at some stupid comeback the other responded with.
"I didn't think you'd come, honestly" Langa said, lowering his gaze, letting it search the ground for answers.
"I…" Reki swallowed.
"Of course I came. You're… you're still my best friend, Langa."
Langa looked up, eyes slightly wide in surprise. He pat the motorcycle he was leaning on and put his helmet back on, getting on the seat.
A clear sign to hop on.
Reki did as asked, hesitantly holding on to Langa's waist as he made himself comfortable on the seat.
It was somehow weird, now. Holding onto him so casually after he'd just spent an entire week avoiding not only Langa but their entire friend group.
The situation was nothing new, though. Langa and Reki snuck out often through their windows and rode through the city at night, either to go to S together, to go skate together or to just get to spend time together being teenagers and doing things they maybe shouldn't be doing.
Reki always liked the closeness of riding on the motorcycle together. Langa was often hesitant to touch others or to be touched and Reki revelled in the short moments Langa didn't pull away.
He had gotten better at it, Reki would give him that. Every now and then during their sleepovers Reki would wake up to Langa holding him in his sleep and whenever they watched movies or skating videos together, Langa would rest his head on Reki's shoulder.
"Reki" Langa said, hushed but his tone warning.
Reki huffed quietly and held on to Langa just a little bit tighter and watched the wet road that reflected the neon signs of the soon closing stores and restaurants go by a little faster than it should've.
If he squinted his eyes in just the right way, he could pretend the neon colored lights were northern lights doing their little dances in the night sky. The kind of northern lights Langa must've seen often at his former hometown in Canada.
He wondered if Langa would take him to see the northern lights, one day.
They rode in heavy silence for a while.
A few minutes later Reki felt Langa slowing down and he looked up, seeing the park they loved so dearly.
No matter how many times he's seen it, it was still quite a sight to behold at night. It was far enough from the center of the city that the light pollution of the densely populated city didn't affect the area, so on clear nights such as this one you could see the stars shining bright in the distance.
Stars.
Of course there were stars tonight. There were always stars when he was with Langa. If not in the sky, then in Langa's eyes. In his mind.
Reki knew Langa loved to watch the stars as much as he himself did. They often spent their summer nights watching the stars and sleeping outside, since it didn't get cold at night, either.
Leaving the motorcycle at the edge of the park and taking off their helmets, Reki and Langa walked in silence to the park, keeping their eyes locked on the stars above them. The sand of the park was still wet and cold from the rain earlier.
It was weird to come to the park without intending to skate.
Reki wasn't sure he had ever done so before.
Langa stopped between the two ramps and Reki followed, deciding to sit on the ramp in front of Langa. It was cold and damp, as was the sand, but at least it was slightly more comfortable.
Reki crossed his legs, bringing his hands up to his face and rested his head on his palms, waiting for Langa to start the conversation he'd been so eager to have the entire day.
Langa's eyes weren't on Reki, though. Instead they were searching the ground as Langa fidgeted with the zipper of his black jacket.
And there it was again.
That side of Langa only Reki was allowed to see.
The nervousness, the trembling of his hands he was trying to hide by playing with the zipper, the uncomfortable shifting of his weight from foot to foot. The difficulty Langa had with putting his feelings into words.
Reki laughed quietly.
"Not so bold anymore, huh, Langa?" he teased, trying to lift the heavy atmosphere that had settled on the two.
Instead of the laughter that he was used to hearing after teasing his best friend, his joke was met with total silence.
"Reki" Langa said, almost pleading.
Reki shifted uncomfortably.
"Sorry, sorry. I won't make any more jokes."
Langa brought his hand up to his neck and scratched it awkwardly.
"Reki, I, uh… can you please tell me why you've been avoiding me? I don't understand."
Reki's breath hitched. His mind and body were screaming at him to back down, to run away, to avoid this entire situation.
But he was already here.
And he'd agreed to talk it out.
Reki pulled his knees up to his chest and tucked his head behind them. He looked at the ground and sighed, breathing deeper than necessary and blowing all the air out slower than necessary.
He was stalling.
He breathed in and lifted his head to look at Langa.
"Look, Langa, I'm… sorry, alright?" Reki said.
"It's… I was just upset. About the Adam thing, I guess."
Langa snapped his gaze back to Reki.
"I knew you weren't going to keep it. I'm sorry for making you make a promise you couldn't keep."
Langa's expression shifted to one of confusion.
"If you knew I wouldn't keep it, why would you…?"
"I just wanted to make myself feel less nervous, I… I was just worried, about you. I kind of hoped the promise would've made you think twice about challenging Adam" Reki explained, his voice strained.
"Do you know how I felt when you met up with me that night, only to tell me you were going to do it anyway?" Reki breathed in, "It's not even about the promise, at this point. It just feels like - like you don't care about what I feel like. You know why I don't want you to sk-"
"Skate against Adam, I know. I know, Reki" Langa cut him off, frustratedly lifting his hand and running it through his long, blue hair.
"But how do you think I felt that night?" he questioned, raising his voice ever so slightly.
"Reki, you came home soaking wet in the rain, all bruised and bloody, and then you lashed out at me! You told me you didn't want to be my friend anymore!" Langa's frustration and the feelings he'd been trying so hard to ignore were finally pouring out of him.
"Not only that but you also disappeared for days afterwards! You can't say I don't care about your feelings when you don't seem to care about mine, either!"
Langa inhaled shakily, digging his fingernails into his palm. "You know that racing against Adam is a huge thing for me. I'm not taking it lightly. I'm not trying to be reckless and get hurt on purpose! You, on the other hand" Langa gestured to Reki's still healing bruises and other injuries, "What- what were you trying to do?"
Reki stood up, taking a few forceful steps towards Langa.
"I wasn't trying to get hurt either! It wasn't like that," he said defensively, tugging at his hair. "Not this time. I swear."
Langa's expression softened, his eyes searching Reki's for an indication that he was lying.
But none of his usual tells were there.
Langa exhaled relievedly. "What were you doing, then? I'm not letting this go without an explanation, Reki."
Reki's eyes widened and he turned his gaze at the ground, his face suddenly feeling way too warm for the weather.
"I…" Reki started, feeling ashamed.
"I was… I was trying to do the trick you did. On that one wall."
Langa bit back a surprised laugh, looking stunned.
"You what?"
"Yeah. I spent the entire night trying over and over and over again, but I just. I couldn't get it right. I couldn't do it." Reki's voice cracked.
"I couldn't do it."
"Why is it so important to you? It's just one trick, Reki…" Langa asked quietly.
"Because I- I wanted to prove to myself I was as good as you. As good as the others. But I'm not."
Reki's eyes were stinging from tears that he refused to let fall. He had already cried about the same insecurities a million times in the past week.
He should be able to get over them.
But he just wasn't.
"Reki", Langa said determinedly. "You are as good as us. One trick won't change that."
Reki shook his head aggressively.
"I'm not, though! I've never been! You passed my skill level within what, a month? You're incredible, Langa, and you don't even see it!"
Reki sniffled, trying to keep himself together.
"I feel like I've been sidelined in my own life! Soon you won't have any need to keep me around anymore, and neither will the others, because you guys are able to do everything I am, just… ten times better."
Reki pulled up the hood on his hoodie and tugged on the strings.
"There… isn't a place for me in your life, anymore."
Langa stared at the mess of a redhead standing in front of him. He was dumbfounded. Did Reki really think so lowly of himself?
"Reki, what are you talking about?" Langa asked, letting out an incredulous laugh.
Reki stared straight into Langa's eyes.
"I could've never done any of what I've achieved so far without you. You even said it yourself to Miya after his race against me: not everyone is going to leave you."
Reki sniffled again, wiping aggressively at his eyes.
"But you don't need me anymore."
Langa sighed, taking a couple of steps towards Reki, lifting his hand.
Flick.
"Dude, what the fuck?" Reki asked, bringing his hand to his forehead that Langa had just given a good flick to.
"You're being stupid."
"No, I'm not!" Reki glared at Langa, who just seemed amused.
"You are."
"Am not."
"Yep. And that's final." Langa said, crossing his arms. His expression turned serious.
"Reki, your worth as a friend is not determined by how beneficial you are to people."
Reki laughed disbelievingly. "Of co-"
"Nope. It's not."
Langa leaned forward, still looking at Reki seriously.
"We're not leaving you. Miya and Shadow have been worried sick about you, saying it feels wrong to not have you around."
"Oh." Reki gulped. Had he made his friends worry?
Langa grinned. "Yeah, they've been saying the group is off-balance without the token idiot bringing down the collective group IQ."
"Shut up, dude." Reki shoved him playfully.
"You're the token idiot bringing down the collective IQ, you once skated straight into a wall! And let's not even talk about your first race at S. You duct taped your feet to the skateboard because you thought it was a snowboard!" Reki stuck out his tongue at his friend.
"At least I'm not the one who believes in ghosts!"
"You were also terrified of them!"
"I don't know what you're talking about. That wasn't me" Langa said in a matter-of-fact tone.
Reki's mouth curved into a smile.
"Oh, I see. You clearly have a twin. A twin who's clearly better at feelings than you and that's who was talking to me just now." Reki grinned. "Mister I-can't-deal-with-feelings."
It was Langa's turn to repress the urge to flip the other off.
"A twin who's better at skateboarding than you are and that's how you keep winning at S -"
Reki suddenly cut off his sentence.
Oh, shit.
S.
"Langa." Reki said, a panicked expression on his face.
"Hmm?" Langa hummed in response.
"I turned in my 'S' pin. I gave it back." Reki said, suddenly feeling mortified.
"You- what ?"
"I gave away my 'S' pin!" Reki cried, taking two fistfuls of Langa's jacket and looking up at his taller friend.
"How will you get in from now on? Reki! Why-"
"I wasn't thinking!"
"Are you ever?"
"Tough talk for someone whose boards are made by me ! Watch your mouth before I unscrew your wheels -"
"Too bad I can't unscrew your mom."
Reki was immediately silenced.
Langa just made a horrified expression.
"I've been hanging out with Miya way too much."
"Definitely."
Reki sighed. He let go of Langa's jacket and rubbed his eyes.
"I need to get my pin back. Think Cherry or Joe could put in a word for me?"
Langa clicked his tongue. "Probably."
Reki's expression turned from pained to relieved. He pressed his face against Langa's chest, surprised to find the other staying still instead of pulling away.
He felt Langa wrapping his arms around him, pulling him into a proper hug.
"I'm… sorry. About all of that. Are- are we alright?" Reki asked hesitantly.
"Yeah." Langa answered absentmindedly, hesitantly bringing a hand to Reki's head and playing with his hair.
His Langa.
Reki was struck by that feeling of possessiveness again, his heart beating a million beats per minute.
He was convinced Langa could hear it - or at least feel it.
A few moments after, Langa pulled away from the hug, offering Reki his hand. Reki accepted gladly, lacing their fingers together and looking at Langa's expression, seeking some kind of approval from him.
Langa just nodded, staring off into space as they walked towards the motorcycle they abandoned earlier.
Langa? Initiating physical contact? The world had to be going crazy.
Reki couldn't help but giggle at Langa's awkwardness.
"You know, Reki" Langa said.
"You owe me at least one junk food meal for all this physical affection I'm giving you."
Reki just laughed harder at Langa's slowly reddening face.
"Deal."
He might need to still make amends to Miya, Shadow, Cherry and Joe and accept the punishment from school for missing so many days but for now, he was content.
No matter what happened, as long as Langa was with him, he knew he would get through it. He knew he could always count on Langa to help him clear his head and keep him calm.
At the eye of the storm that was his life, there was Langa.