Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

EXT. BRINEY BEACH - MORNING

The sky is gray and cloudy. A light fog thinly veils every surface. There are no people in sight, until LEMONY SNICKET walks onscreen.

LEMONY
My name is Lemony Snicket. It is my duty to document and report the tragic history of three unlucky children. However, it is not your duty to watch said tragic history. I would highly recommend shutting your television off right now, unless you are a twisted individual who enjoys the suffering of others... a twisted individual like Pugsley, Wednesday, or Pubert Addams.

The camera slowly zooms out as PUGSLEY and WEDNESDAY ADDAMS walk onscreen, passing by Lemony as if he doesn't exist. Pugsley is wearing a backpack, and Wednesday is carrying a baby. The two sit down near the water.

LEMONY
The Addams children were creepy, a word which here can mean a number of things, including kooky, mysterious, spooky, and altogether ooky. No one was quite sure of what they were. On one hand, they appeared to be innocent children.

Wednesday pops the head off of the baby, revealing that it was just a carrying case for several sticks of dynamite. Pugsley unzips his bag, takes PUBERT out, and sets him onto the sand.

LEMONY
On the other, they were not as innocent as they seemed.

Wednesday passes a stick of dynamite to Pugsley. Pubert breathes fire onto the fuse.

LEMONY
And on the third hand, which one of their relatives surely must have, they were likely not entirely human. For most of their lives, no one knew what they were, and no one seemed to want to, but very soon they would find out exactly what they were themselves: very, very unlucky.

A very distant cough is heard.

WEDNESDAY
Someone is coming.

Pugsley tosses the dynamite into the ocean.

PUGSLEY
I wonder who.

More coughs are heard, coming closer and closer. A shadowy figure is barely seen through the fog. The camera comes closer to the figure, revealing him to be MR. POE.

MR. POE
From the top: My dears, I'm afraid I have some terrible news. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. Ahem. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. Your parents - oh dear, I've forgotten whose parents it was. I knew I should've left that part up to improv! Oh well, it's a good thing I wrote myself a note.

Mr. Poe unfolds the handkerchief. There's a note written inside. It reads: "One girl, one boy, and one baby. They live in a mansion."

MR. POE
All right, that should help jog my memory. I can't recall their names, but I know the girl's was somewhere near the end of the alphabet... started with a V or a W or something weird like that.

Mr. Poe emerges from the fog and looks at the Addams kids. Then he looks several feet away from them and sees another girl, boy, baby trio.

MR. POE
Oh dear. There's two of them. Oh well, I'll just pick one and ask if they live in a mansion. Not many people live in a mansion, after all.

WEDNESDAY
Are you talking to us?

MR. POE
No. Well, now I am. I'm Mr. Poe, from Mulctuary Money Management. What is your name, little girl?

WEDNESDAY
Don't call me little. I'm of a perfectly average height for my age.

PUGSLEY
It's Wednesday.

MR. POE
All right! And you don't happen to live in a mansion, do you?

PUGSLEY
Actually, we do.

MR. POE
Well, then. I'm afraid I have some terrible news for you. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. Your home was destroyed, as well.

The kids stare at Mr. Poe blankly.

MR. POE
Perished means killed, by the way.

WEDNESDAY
It doesn’t, really. It means died. You wouldn’t say "Your parents have killed in a terrible fire," unless you mean that they have committed a murder. You would say "Your parents have died in a terrible fire."

PUGSLEY
Wednesday, do you think he's serious?

WEDNESDAY
Of course not. I just explained why that definition was wrong.

PUGSLEY
No, I mean about our parents. Do you think our parents are really gone? And our house?

Wednesday thinks for a second.

WEDNESDAY
Are you serious?

MR. POE
Dead serious. Just as dead as your parents.

PUGSLEY
You're joking.

MR. POE
I'm not. Would you like to see what's left of your home?

Wednesday and Pugsley look at each other, then at Mr. Poe.

PUGSLEY
Sure.

Pugsley puts Pubert back in the backpack and the kids follow Mr. Poe off screen.

LEMONY
I'm sure you noticed the other girl, boy, and baby at the beach. Those are Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, whose parents perished in a terrible fire. Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert's parents did not. Mr. Poe was incompetent in many ways, and his memory was one of them. This would be the most harm this particular incompetency would cause.

EXT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION'S ASHES - MORNING

Mr. Poe, Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert are standing by the charred remains of the mansion. Pugsley and Wednesday look confused while Mr. Poe coughs violently.

PUGSLEY
This isn't our house.

MR. POE
You're right. It's your pile of ash.

PUGSLEY
It's not that, either. We don't even live on this street.

MR. POE
Not anymore, you don't!

WEDNESDAY
We never did. This is someone else's house. Was someone else's house, anyway.

MR. POE
I understand that you're very upset. It must be hard losing so much in such a short amount of time. But you're going to have to accept the fact that you'll never see your family or your home ever again.

PUGSLEY
We didn't lose anything. Can we go home now?

MR. POE
I can take you to your new home. You're going to live with your closest living relative... so I'll be taking you to Count Olaf, your third cousin twice removed, I think, who lives just on the other side of town.

PUGSLEY
I don't think that's what "closest living relative" means.

INT. CAR - DAY

Mr. Poe is driving the Addams kids to their "new home." Pubert is out of the backpack, sitting on Pugsley's lap.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley, I think we're being kidnapped.

PUGSLEY
Ooh, exciting!

WEDNESDAY
No. This is bad. We're being taken to a part of town that we've never been to, and we may not be able to find our way back home.

PUGSLEY
Oh. That is bad. How are we gonna get back home?

Wednesday starts playing with her braid.

WEDNESDAY
I might be able to think of something.

MR. POE
We're here!

The kids look out the window and see a beautiful, pristine little house with a colorful garden surrounding it. JUSTICE STRAUSS is watering the flowers. The kids look horrified. Mr. Poe gets out of the car, and so do the kids.

PUGSLEY
This is our new home?

MR. POE
I know it may not be very much like your old home, but I bet you'll grow to like it.

WEDNESDAY
I wouldn't even want to die here, let alone live here.

Justice Strauss comes over to the kids.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Hello there! You must be the children Count Olaf is adopting.

WEDNESDAY
Unfortunately. I suppose we should introduce ourselves... I'm Wednesday Addams, and these are my brothers, Pugsley and Pubert.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
What interesting names! My name is Justice Strauss. It's a pleasure to meet you!

WEDNESDAY
No, it's no-

PUGSLEY
It's nice to meet you, too! Are you Count Olaf's wife?

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Goodness me, no. I don't even know him very well. I'm his next-door neighbor. Count Olaf lives over there.

Justice Strauss points to the next house over. It's devoid of color and looms threateningly over every other house.

WEDNESDAY
It's beautiful.

PUGSLEY
Well, we'd better get going. Goodbye.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Goodbye!

The kids walk up to the door of the house. Mr. Poe is already there. Pugsley knocks on the door. The door creaks open. COUNT OLAF is on the other side, mostly obscured by shadow, except for his eyes and teeth, which are shining brightly.

OLAF
Hello, hello, hello.

PUBERT
Hi!

WEDNESDAY
I have a good feeling about this guy.

OLAF
Please step into your new home, and wipe your feet outside so no mud gets indoors.

Mr. Poe and the kids wipe their feet on the ground.

INT. OLAF'S HOUSE, ENTRANCE - DAY

The four step inside and look around.

PUGSLEY
This place doesn't look too bad. It actually seems pretty nice.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley, we've been kidnapped. You need to take this more seriously... although, I must admit, this is a very nice house.

OLAF
I was actually thinking I'd do some renovations to the house, using a bit of the money your parents left behind.

PUGSLEY
You really don't have to. We like it as it is.

MR. POE
Besides, the fortune is not to be used until - what's the oldest one's name again?

PUGSLEY
Pugsley.

MR. POE
Until Pugsley comes of age.

Olaf glares at Mr. Poe.

PUGSLEY
We have a fortune?

WEDNESDAY
Of course we do. Well, our parents do, but we don't. They never died, so we never inherited it.

MR. POE
The kids are experiencing some denial. I'm sure you know how hard it is to lose a loved one.

OLAF
Yes, they must be thrilled - goodbye, Mr. Joe -

MR. POE
Poe.

OLAF
I'm going to show the kids to their rooms, now.

MR. POE
Goodbye. Pugsley, Wednesday, the other one, remember that you can always contact me at the bank if you need me.

WEDNESDAY
We don't even know where the bank is.

Mr. Poe leaves.

OLAF
Follow me.

Olaf starts walking, and as he does, Pubert catches a glimpse of the tattoo on his ankle. He points to the tattoo.

PUBERT
Eye!

The kids follow Olaf.

PUGSLEY
My brother likes your tattoo.

Olaf frowns.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Olaf brings the kids to the room. There is a single bed in the middle of the room and a pile of rocks in the corner. Lemony is standing behind the bed.

LEMONY
I don't know if you've noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. When Pubert was first born, Wednesday wanted nothing to do with him, but by the time he was six weeks old, Wednesday was teaching him how to use a crossbow. This was a similar case, except that instead of going from hating someone to liking them, the Addamses felt the opposite about Olaf.

OLAF
This is where you will sleep. I have provided you a bed, and a complimentary pile of rocks.

WEDNESDAY
Don't we need three beds? Or at least two, since Pubert could sleep with one of us? And what are the rocks for?

A rock flies past Olaf's head.

PUGSLEY
These are fun!

OLAF
Hey! There will be no rock throwing in this house!

PUGSLEY
Your fault for letting an Addams into a house full of rocks.

OLAF
You're being awfully ungrateful to someone who's going to be feeding and housing you for the remainder of your childhood.

WEDNESDAY
No, that's just how he has fun. It has nothing to do with you.

OLAF
All right, but make sure not to break any windows or skulls, because you're going to be the ones fixing them, and you wouldn't want to add onto your extensive list of chores.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
Chores?

Olaf takes a rolled up piece of paper out of his pocket. It unravels to be as long as he is tall.

OLAF
I understand that you may not be used to doing chores, having grown up in a mansion. You probably had a butler or something to do all that for you.

WEDNESDAY
We still do. He's alive and at our house, which we should really be getting back to.

OLAF
You don't have a butler here, so you're going to have to do all the housework yourself.

Olaf gives Wednesday the chores list.

OLAF
My acting troupe will be visiting this evening, and I expect every last one of those chores to be done by the time they're here.

WEDNESDAY
Acting troupe? Are you an actor?

OLAF
Yes. World-renowned.

WEDNESDAY
I thought you were a count.

OLAF
I'm both. I'm just that talented. Now, I'm going to go out and do... something. Goodbye.

Olaf leaves the room. Pugsley comes over to Wednesday, holding Pubert, who is chewing on a rock.

WEDNESDAY
We should probably get started on these.

PUGSLEY
Yeah... wait, what was that thing he said about fixing skulls?

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Wednesday is sweeping the floor, Pugsley is washing dishes, and Pubert is cleaning a countertop.

WEDNESDAY
I feel like I'm not getting anything accomplished... wait a minute.

She flips over the broom and scrapes the floor with the end, scratching off a layer of dirt. Her eyes widen.

WEDNESDAY
The floor here used to be blue!

INT. BATHROOM - AFTERNOON

The kids are scrubbing the floor. A rat runs by. Pugsley grabs the rat by its tail and holds it up.

PUGSLEY
Look, a friend!

INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON

Wednesday holds Pubert up to the fireplace. Pubert breathes fire onto the wood. Pugsley takes the chores list out of his pocket. Wednesday carries Pubert over to Pugsley, and Pubert breathes fire onto the last chore on the list, effectively crossing out "light fireplace."

PUGSLEY
Looks like we're done!

The sound of the front door opening is heard.

WEDNESDAY
Olaf's home.

Olaf comes into the room.

WEDNESDAY
We finished all our chores.

OLAF
Then why don't I smell tonight's dinner?

PUGSLEY
Dinner?

OLAF
Yes. Did you not see it? It's written in bold letters on the back.

Pugsley flips over the list. The paper has been charred all the way through from the crossing out of each chore, so it's unclear if there ever was another chore there.

PUGSLEY
I don't see it.

OLAF
That was the most important one! My troupe is coming in two hours and you have absolutely nothing prepared!

WEDNESDAY
How many people are in your troupe?

OLAF
Several! Now, get started on that dinner!

Olaf goes into another room.

WEDNESDAY
None of us know how to cook.

PUGSLEY
Pubert can make toast.

WEDNESDAY
True, but he always burns it, and the few people we've had over have not enjoyed the burned-ness, oddly enough. We have to think of something else.

PUGSLEY
Do you think Olaf has a cookbook somewhere around here?

WEDNESDAY
We cleaned the entire house and there were no books of any kind, let alone cookbooks.

PUGSLEY
Maybe we could ask the neighbor if she has any.

WEDNESDAY
Ugh, I hate that person, and I hate her stupid house and flowers.

PUGSLEY
Maybe our first impression was wrong. Remember how we had such a good feeling about Olaf, but he turned out to be awful? Maybe Justice Strauss is the opposite.

WEDNESDAY
The opposite of awful is delightful, and that word makes me want to puke.

PUGSLEY
No, I mean we might grow to like her.

WEDNESDAY
You can't make me go over there.

Pugsley grabs Wednesday by the braids and drags her out the door. Wednesday hisses.

EXT. JUSTICE STRAUSS' HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Pugsley and Wednesday are standing at the door. Pugsley knocks on the door with the hand that isn't carrying Pubert. Justice Strauss opens the door.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Hello, kids! How are you doing?

WEDNESDAY
Bad.

PUGSLEY
We're still getting used to things. Do you happen to have a cookbook we could borrow?

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Of course! What do you need it for?

WEDNESDAY
Olaf wants us to make dinner for him and his acting troupe.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Goodness, cooking for an entire theater troupe seems like a lot to ask of children.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
We know.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Well, why don't you come inside and pick out a book that interests you?

WEDNESDAY
Because we hate you and your house.

PUGSLEY
What she means is "we'd love to!"

INT. JUSTICE STRAUSS' HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Justice Strauss leads the kids to a certain part of her library.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
This is the cookbook section.

PUGSLEY
This library is huge.

WEDNESDAY
And it has such a needlessly expansive section on cookbooks.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
I'm glad you think so! Feel free to come by anytime you need a book.

Justice Strauss walks offscreen. Pugsley takes a random book from the shelf and flips to a random page.

PUGSLEY
How does puttanesca sound? It's an Italian sauce for pasta. All we need to do is sauté olives, capers, anchovies, garlic, chopped parsley, and tomatoes together in a pot, and make some spaghetti to go with it.

WEDNESDAY
Better than burnt toast.

PUGSLEY
It shouldn't be too hard to make. We'll figure it out.

INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Pugsley flips the book open to the puttanesca recipe. Wednesday sets down a couple paper bags full of ingredients onto the counter.

PUGSLEY
It sure was nice of Justice Strauss to take us shopping for ingredients. I thought she was just gonna give us the book.

WEDNESDAY
I guess she is pretty nice. Let's get started on the puttanesca.

For Lemony's next line, the kids do what he's describing them doing.

LEMONY
(voiceover)
For most of the afternoon, Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert cooked the puttanesca sauce according to the recipe. Pugsley roasted the garlic and washed and chopped the anchovies. Wednesday peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. Pubert banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, singing a rather repetitive song he had written himself. And none of the children thought for even a second about how they really should not be in the situation that they were in. That is, until -

The sound of the front door flinging open is heard.

OLAF
Orphans? Where are you, orphans?

PUGSLEY
In the kitchen. We're just finishing dinner.

OLAF
You'd better be.

Olaf enters the kitchen.

OLAF
My troupe is right behind me and they're very hungry. Where is the roast beef?

WEDNESDAY
We didn't make roast beef. We made puttanesca sauce.

OLAF
What? No roast beef?

PUGSLEY
You didn't tell us you wanted roast beef.

Olaf comes closer to the kids. His eyes shine brighter, and his eyebrow raises in anger.

OLAF
In agreeing to adopt you, I have become your father, and as your father I am not someone to be trifled with. I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests.

WEDNESDAY
We don't have any! We made puttanesca sauce!

PUBERT
No! No! No!

Olaf looks down at Pubert. He lets out a monstrous roar and picks him up, raising him far above the counter. Pubert starts crying.

WEDNESDAY
Put him down! I'm the only one who gets to terrify my family!

Wednesday kicks Olaf in the shin as hard as she can. Olaf growls and looks even angrier than before. He slaps her in the face, sending her falling to the ground. Pugsley is speechless for a while.

PUGSLEY
Pubert. Fire.

Pubert breathes fire at Olaf. Olaf drops Pubert onto the counter, but thankfully, Pubert is unharmed. Pugsley picks up Pubert and hugs him before helping Wednesday off the ground.

PUGSLEY
You're going to regret messing with us.

Wednesday sniffles. She's crying.

PUGSLEY
You are going to regret this until the day you die.

OLAF
I refuse to argue with you orphans. I may find some way to forgive the lack of roast beef if you can manage to serve me and my troupe without any more issues.

Olaf leaves the room. Wednesday touches the red mark on her face, but quickly takes her hand back off.

PUGSLEY
We're going to kill that man.

Pugsley takes a tiny bottle with a skull on it out of his pocket.

WEDNESDAY
Cyanide?

PUGSLEY
I always keep it with me.

WEDNESDAY
You're going to poison the sauce?

PUGSLEY
Yep. And we're gonna watch him croak.

Pugsley pours the contents of the bottle into the sauce. He stirs it a little.

PUGSLEY
Let's make our parents proud.

INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING

Pugsley and Wednesday come into the room, Wednesday with the pot of puttanesca, and Pugsley with a pot of spaghetti.

PUGSLEY
Dinner is served!

Pugsley goes around the room, putting spaghetti on everyone's plate, and Wednesday does the same with the sauce, saving Olaf's plate for last. The two stand behind Olaf, waiting for him to try it.

OLAF
What are you doing? Why are you still here?

WEDNESDAY
Why is anyone still here? Why was anyone here to begin with?

PUGSLEY
Wednesday, we're not here to give these lovely people existential crises. We just want to hear what they think of the sauce we worked very hard to make.

WEDNESDAY
Oh, right.

PUGSLEY
Go ahead, everyone! Eat up!

Everyone at the table cautiously tries the pasta.

WEDNESDAY
So, what do you think?

OLAF
It's... fine, I guess. Just tastes like pasta with sauce...

Suddenly, Olaf collapses, his head falling onto his plate. The same thing happens to the members of the troupe. Wednesday and Pugsley look at the unconscious bodies, their eyes wide with anticipation.

WEDNESDAY
Did we do it?

PUGSLEY
We did it. Wednesday, we did it!

WEDNESDAY
No, it was all you! You were the one who poisoned the sauce, after all.

PUGSLEY
What should we do now?

WEDNESDAY
Go back home?

PUGSLEY
But how are we going to find our way back? We're on the opposite side of town from our house, and it's not like we have a car or anything.

WEDNESDAY
Hmm... maybe we could try to contact Mr. Poe and get him to help us.

PUGSLEY
We don't know where the bank is. And, again, we don't have any transportation.

WEDNESDAY
So, you're saying that we're still trapped here?

Pugsley thinks for a moment.

PUGSLEY
Yes. I guess I am.

WEDNESDAY
Maybe we could stay here until we come up with an escape plan.

PUGSLEY
Good idea.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Lemony is standing behind the bed again. The kids come into the room. Wednesday takes the curtain from the window and bunches it up into something for Pubert to sleep on. Pugsley gets into the bed, and Wednesday lays down on the floor.

LEMONY
That night, the Addams children had succeeded at what they had set out to do, but they went to bed knowing that they had nowhere to go. They no longer had anyone to take care of them, and they did not know what to do next. They slept on the hard ground, the harder bed, and the scratchy curtain-cushion, dreaming that they were back at their own house, with their own family, living their own story instead of the one meant for the Baudelaires. Speaking of the Baudelaires…

EXT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION'S ASHES - MORNING

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are staring at the ashes of their mansion in confused despair.

WOMAN'S VOICE
Look, dear. I think there's been a terrible fire.

MAN'S VOICE
Looks like it was the kind of fire that could perish someone's parents.

WOMAN'S VOICE
Perished means died, not killed.

MAN'S VOICE
What would I do without you, Tish?

Violet and Klaus look at where the voices are coming from. MORTICIA and GOMEZ ADDAMS are walking down the same sidewalk that the Baudelaires are standing on.

VIOLET
Excuse me? Do you know anything about... this?

GOMEZ
About the fire?

VIOLET
Yes.

GOMEZ
No, we were just passing by. Do you?

VIOLET
No. We were just coming home from the beach and saw that our house had been destroyed.

MORTICIA
That's funny, we were just going to the beach to check in on our children.

KLAUS
Are your children by any chance a boy with a striped shirt, a girl with braids, and a baby with a mustache?

MORTICIA
Why, yes! Were you there with them?

VIOLET
Yes, we were. Someone from the bank came up to them and told them that he had terrible news for them, but I didn't hear what the bad news was, since I was testing out an invention.

KLAUS
Wait, Violet... what if there was a mix-up? What if we were meant to get the bad news instead of them? We're a girl, a boy, and a baby, and they're a girl, a boy, and a baby. The man from the bank could have told the wrong people the wrong news!

VIOLET
That can't be right. No one's that incompetent.

KLAUS
True.

SUNNY
(captions)
I heard the news.

VIOLET AND KLAUS
You did?

SUNNY
(captions)
Something about a fire, and dead parents.

VIOLET
(sadly)
I guess someone can be that incompetent.

KLAUS
Does this mean that our parents are dead?

VIOLET
I don't want to think about that.

GOMEZ
So our kids are sitting on that beach convinced that we're dead?

KLAUS
No, they left with the man from the bank.

MORTICIA
Gomez, our children have been kidnapped. Gomez, our children have been kidnapped!

GOMEZ
Do you three know where the man from the bank took them?

SUNNY
(captions)
Count Olaf.

GOMEZ
Count Olaf... I think I took a fencing class with him once. He was terrible. Terribly rude, and a cheater, too.

MORTICIA
Do you know where he is now?

GOMEZ
I know he lives in town. Probably on the other side, because that fencing class was near our house, and Olaf would complain about how long it took to get here.

MORTICIA
So we might be able to find him?

GOMEZ
Possibly!

MORTICIA
Great! When we find this Count Olaf, I'm going to break one of his limbs for each of the kids he's taken from us! The one limb I'm leaving unbroken will be his non-dominant hand.

GOMEZ
Tish, when you threaten people with serious injury, it drives me wild!

KLAUS
Violet, do you know anyone we could stay with?

MORTICIA
Gomez, these children need a place to stay. Do you think we could take care of them?

GOMEZ
If we take care of them, they could help us find the kids! Say, kids, how would you like us to be your new parents?

KLAUS
We don't even know who you are.

VIOLET
It's not like we have anywhere else to stay... so, I guess we could stay with you for a while. I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is my brother, Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.

GOMEZ
I'm Gomez Addams, and this is my wife, Morticia.

Gomez reaches into his pocket and pulls out adoption papers and a pen.

GOMEZ
Now, before we go hunt down Count Olaf, would you mind signing these?

Chapter Text

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

WEDNESDAY is sleeping on the floor. She sits up like a vampire coming out of a coffin. PUGSLEY gets out of bed and stretches.

PUGSLEY
Good morning, Wednesday.

WEDNESDAY
Good morning, Pugsley.

PUGSLEY
I don't think I've slept that well in a long time. This bed is surprisingly hard!

WEDNESDAY
The floor was very cold. It was nice.

Wednesday goes over to Pubert and picks him up. He yawns.

PUGSLEY
Looks like Pubert slept well, too.

WEDNESDAY
I'm not surprised. That curtain was scratchy enough to give someone a rash.

PUGSLEY
Oh, that reminds me. How's your face?

WEDNESDAY
It hurts.

Wednesday turns her head to look at Pugsley; before, the bruise on her face was facing away from Pugsley, but how he can see that it hasn't gotten any less red than it had been the day before. In fact, it might even be worse.

WEDNESDAY
But I'll get over it.

PUGSLEY
Do you think there's anything good to eat for breakfast here?

WEDNESDAY
We should go see. We never did check the fridge, did we?

PUGSLEY
I guess not.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert come into the room to see Olaf standing at the counter.

OLAF
Good morning, orphans. I've prepared breakfast for you.

WEDNESDAY
We thought you were dead!

PUGSLEY
There must have only been enough poison to knock him out. There was just enough in the bottle to kill someone, but I guess split up between several people, it wasn't enough.

OLAF
You tried to poison me. It's become very clear to me that you don't like me very much. There's only one thing I can do about that.

Olaf's eyes shine bright with excitement.

PUGSLEY
What's that?

OLAF
Cast you as my co-stars in a play! I'm guessing that the reason you don't like me is because you don't know me very well, since I'm a very likable person. So, I thought, what better way to get to know the real me than to see my incredible acting skills in action?

PUGSLEY
That doesn't... sound too bad. What's the play about?

OLAF
The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, and it is written by the great playwright Al Funcoot. We will give only one performance, on this Friday night. It is about a man who is very brave and intelligent, played by me. In the finale, he marries the young, beautiful woman he loves, in front of a crowd of cheering people. You, Pugsley, and you, Pubert, will play some of the cheering people in the crowd.

PUGSLEY
But if it's a play, won't there be an audience? That seems a bit... I don't know, redundant, to have a crowd cheering for a cheering crowd.

OLAF
You know what's also redundant? Having to take care of three kids instead of one.

WEDNESDAY
Do I have to be a part of this performance? I've acted before, and it didn't go very well.

PUGSLEY
It literally went up in flames. She set the stage on fire.

OLAF
Well, then, it's a good thing your character has only one line. You are going to play the young woman I marry.

Wednesday loops the noose-end of her braid over her head and lifts up the rest of the braid.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley, could you hold this for a second?

PUGSLEY
Don't do that, you'll kill yourself.

WEDNESDAY
That's the point.

OLAF
It's a very important role, but a very easy one to play. You only have one line: "I do." You will say this line when Justice Strauss asks if you will have me.

WEDNESDAY
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

PUGSLEY
She's clearly not interested in the role. Couldn't you get someone else to do it?

WEDNESDAY
And why did you have to bring Justice Strauss into this? We hate her!

PUGSLEY
You're the only one who hates her, but that still counts for something.

OLAF
All the members of my troupe have taken different roles, so there's no other roles available for you three. The reason I brought Justice Strauss into the play is because not only do I want to be a good father, but I also want to be a good neighbor.

WEDNESDAY
No, you don't. You want to see me suffer. Well, you know what? I want to see you suffer, too. Maybe I will participate in your wretched performance, but there is nothing you can do that will stop me from giving it my all. And believe me when I say that when you look back on the day Wednesday Friday Addams "gave it her all," you will shake in terror, fearing my very existence until the day you die.

OLAF
Woah. That's a lot of pent up rage for a ten year old.

WEDNESDAY
I'm twelve!

PUGSLEY
We'll be in your play. Wednesday's just upset about... the fire. Yeah. That. It has very little to do with you.

Pugsley takes one bowl of oatmeal for himself, one for Pubert, and gives one to Wednesday.

PUGSLEY
Let's go eat our breakfast.

The kids leave the room.

INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING

The kids sit at the table. Wednesday gives one of the bowls of oatmeal to Pubert.

WEDNESDAY
Do you have any other poison or weapons with you?

PUGSLEY
No. That cyanide was only for emergencies, so that was why I had it with me. I keep everything else at home.

WEDNESDAY
Maybe there's something here we could use to kill that awful man. I don't even want to say his name, I hate him so much.

PUGSLEY
Do you think he's up to something? He seems like the type to get revenge on those who've wronged him, and I think attempted murder is pretty high up on the list of ways to wrong a person.

WEDNESDAY
Maybe he knows we hate acting. You remember what happened at Camp Chippewa, don't you?

PUGSLEY
How would he know about that?

WEDNESDAY
It was in the news for a week.

PUGSLEY
Oh yeah. But there's gotta be something more to this, right? I mean, we did try to kill him, after all. And I remember him saying something about our fortune when we first arrived here.

WEDNESDAY
I don't know how he could get our fortune with a play, but then again, I don't know much about inheritance law.

PUGSLEY
Do you think Mr. Poe knows about inheritance law? He said that we could talk to him if we had any questions.

WEDNESDAY
We don't know where the bank is.

PUGSLEY
Oh. Maybe Justice Strauss has a book that could help.

WEDNESDAY
I want nothing to do with her.

PUGSLEY
Would you rather have to deal with her or Olaf?

Wednesday touches the mark on her face.

WEDNESDAY
Justice Strauss.

PUGSLEY
Should we go talk to her?

Wednesday sighs, then nods.

INT. JUSTICE STRAUSS' HOUSE - DAY

Justice Strauss brings the kids into the library. Lemony is standing in front of the bookshelf.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
What kind of book are you looking for this time?

LEMONY
There are many, many types of books in the world, which makes good sense, because there are many, many types of people, and everybody wants to read something different. The same goes for shows, movies, and every other type of media, so please feel free to stop watching this show, because I can't imagine that you are the type of person who likes stories in which terrible things happen to children for no good reason. I also can't imagine that you're the type of person who likes to read books about the law, because no one in their right mind is.

PUGSLEY
Do you have anything on inheritance law?

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Inheritance law! That's incredibly specific, and I should warn you, incredibly boring, too. Even I think so, and I work in law.

WEDNESDAY
Our father used to study law.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Oh, I see. Well, I do have quite a few books on the law, so you're in luck. Follow me.

The kids follow Justice Strauss to another part of the library.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Here they are!

PUGSLEY
Thank you.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
No problem!

The kids take a couple books off the shelf. They sit down to read them. There's a fade to them still reading, but the sun has changed position in the windows, to show that time has passed. Wednesday closes her book.

WEDNESDAY
I've retained none of this. Pubert, how are you doing?

The camera pans to a book sitting upright in a chair. The book falls down, and Pubert is on the other side. He sighs, and a little fire comes out of his nose.

WEDNESDAY
That's too bad. And how's it going for you, Pugsley?

The camera pans to Pugsley, who doesn't notice that anyone is talking to him.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley?

Wednesday comes over to Pugsley and snaps next to his ear. Pugsley closes his book.

PUGSLEY
What year is it?

WEDNESDAY
Did you get anything useful from your book?

PUGSLEY
I don't know about useful, but it sure was interesting!

WEDNESDAY
You're joking.

PUGSLEY
Nope! Did you know that there was a woman who left an enormous sum of money to her pet weasel? Her three sons didn't get anything from her, so they tried to prove she was insane so that they could get some of the money. Anyway, what did you get from your book?

WEDNESDAY
Nothing. It was so boring, I couldn't process anything it said. I had to reread the first paragraph about five times, and everything after that exited my mind as soon as it entered.

PUGSLEY
Aren't you used to reading big, long books though? You have a huge book of spells at home.

WEDNESDAY
I find spells and curses interesting. I find the law incredibly boring.

PUGSLEY
Huh. Well, I'm gonna keep reading these books, even if Olaf isn't up to something, because I just think they're neat.

Wednesday sighs.

VOICE
You there!

The kids look at the doorway and see one of the members of Olaf's theater troupe, the one with hooks for hands.

HOOK-HANDED MAN
Count Olaf sent me to look for you. You are to return to the house immediately... what are you reading, anyway? "Inheritance Law and Its Implications?" Why are you reading that?

PUGSLEY
Because it's fun!

HOOK-HANDED MAN
No it isn't. Put that book down and come back to the house.

PUGSLEY
Aw, man.... Can I bring the book with me?

HOOK-HANDED MAN
What do you not understand about "put that book down?" Now, put the book down and come back to the house!

PUGSLEY
Yeesh! Okay!

Pugsley puts the book on a table. He takes Pubert out of the chair and follows the hook-handed man outside. Wednesday follows them, still holding her book.

INT. OLAF'S HOUSE, ENTRANCE - AFTERNOON

The hook-handed man brings the kids inside. Wednesday is poorly hiding the book behind her back. Pugsley looks at her for the first time since the hook-handed man had started talking to them, and finally notices the book. He raises his eyebrows at her and motions towards their room with his head. Wednesday narrows her eyes in confusion.

PUGSLEY
(whispering)
Put that upstairs!

WEDNESDAY
Oh!

Wednesday runs out of the room and comes back without the book. She smiles unconvincingly.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Wednesday is sleeping on the bed, Pubert on the curtain-cushion, and Pugsley is not sleeping at all. He's sitting by the window, reading the book that Wednesday smuggled into the house.

LEMONY
That night, Pugsley stayed up all night reading, which was something he had never done before. One may think that his motivator for trying this new activity was to find out what Count Olaf was up to, but in reality, he had forgotten that Count Olaf even existed, and was reading just for fun. However, while reading, he learned something that made him remember their terrible predicament, and realize exactly what Count Olaf was planning.

The sun rises outside the window.

LEMONY
As the sun rose, Pugsley gathered up the courage to tell Count Olaf that his scheme would end in failure, and to tell his sister that there was hope to be had.

INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING

Olaf comes into the room and takes one of the bowls of oatmeal that the Addams kids left there the day before. He looks up and sees Pugsley in the seat across from the one Olaf took the bowl from. His hands are folded and he has a triumphant look on his face.

OLAF
You're up early, orphan.

PUGSLEY
Am I up early, or am I up late? Time is relative, Count Olaf. But you know what isn't?

Pugsley takes his book out from under the table and drops it onto the table.

PUGSLEY
The LAW!

OLAF
What?

PUGSLEY
I stayed up all night reading this book. It's called Nuptial Law, and I learned lots of interesting things from it.

Olaf takes a bite of the day-old oatmeal.

PUGSLEY
The word "nuptial" means relating to marriage.

OLAF
I know what that word means, but how do you?

PUGSLEY
Wednesday taught it to me.

OLAF
Where did you get that book?

PUGSLEY
From Justice Strauss' library. But that's not important. What's important is that I found out your plan.

OLAF
What plan?

PUGSLEY
The plan to get our fortune.

Pugsley opens the book and starts reading from it.

PUGSLEY
According to this book, the requirements of marriage are the presence of a judge, a statement of "I do" by both the bride and the groom, and the signing of a document in the bride's own hand. If my sister says "I do" and signs a piece of paper while Justice Strauss is in the room, then she is legally married. This play you're putting us in is all one big act.

OLAF
"One big act" is literally the definition of a play.

PUGSLEY
It isn't. If you look up "play" in the dictionary, you won't find the words "one big act" as the definition. So "one big act" is figuratively the definition of a play, but not literally. You know, the difference between "literally" and "figuratively" is a very important thing to know. It's useful for when someone is literally going to marry your TWELVE-YEAR-OLD SISTER.

OLAF
See, there's why you can't be right! Your sister isn't old enough to get married!

PUGSLEY
She can get married if she has the permission of her legal guardian, and you, the one planning this whole mess, are her legal guardian.

OLAF
Why in the world would I want to actually marry your sister? That kid gives me the creeps.

PUGSLEY
"A legal husband has the right to control any money in the possession of his legal wife." You're going to marry my sister to get our fortune, which I should let you know isn't even ours yet. Our parents aren't dead.

OLAF
I guess you've found me out. But what are you going to do about it? Tell your siblings that they're doomed?

PUGSLEY
I'll tell them your plan, if that's what you mean.

OLAF
Go ahead. I'm sure they'd love to hear it.

PUGSLEY
...Okay then.

Pugsley gets up and leaves the room.

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

Pugsley comes up to the bed.

PUGSLEY
Wednesday.

Wednesday opens her eyes.

WEDNESDAY
What?

PUGSLEY
I stayed up all night reading, and I discovered what Count Olaf is up to. He plans to marry you for real, but I'll wait until you're fully awake to tell you all the details. But I will say that there's a loophole that has to do with your signature -

Wednesday sits up and looks beside the bed at the curtain-cushion. Pubert is not there.

WEDNESDAY
Where's Pubert?

Pugsley looks at the curtain cushion. He lifts it up, and Pubert is not underneath. Wednesday gets out of bed.

PUGSLEY
Pubert!

WEDNESDAY
Pubert!

PUGSLEY
He could be anywhere!

OLAF
He certainly could.

Pugsley and Wednesday turn around and see Olaf standing in the doorway.

WEDNESDAY
What did you do with him?

OLAF
It's very strange to find a child missing, especially one so small, so helpless. But then again, one sees strange things every day. In fact, if you two follow me out to the backyard, I think we will all see something rather unusual.

EXT. OLAF'S BACKYARD - MORNING

Pugsley and Wednesday follow Olaf to the backyard. Olaf points up to the top of the tower. The camera zooms in on the birdcage dangling from the window, with Pubert inside.

PUGSLEY
Oh. That sucks.

WEDNESDAY
At least he's not hurt.

OLAF
Huh. I was expecting a bigger reaction. Looks like I'm going to have to move on to plan B.

Olaf takes a walkie-talkie out of his pocket.

OLAF
(into the walkie-talkie)
Drop the cage.

A hook-hand latches onto the birdcage. Pugsley and Wednesday watch the cage fall.

OLAF
You two look bored!

WEDNESDAY
Pubert's basically indestructible. A fall from that height isn't going to kill him.

The cage is all crumpled up, but Pubert is still alive. He sticks his hand through the bars of the cage and waves. Then he tries to open the cage, since he can reach the latch, but the door is too damaged to open.

PUGSLEY
He's trapped!

OLAF
He is? I mean, he is! And I'm not going to set him free until you agree to participate in the play! So, Wednesday, will you marry me?

Pugsley and Wednesday look at each other nervously.

WEDNESDAY
If you let Pubert go... I will.

OLAF
Marvelous!

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Morticia, Gomez, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny sit down.

KLAUS
Why are we here, again?

GOMEZ
It's in the same part of town that Count Olaf lives. I assume he'll be acting in the play, because he wouldn't shut up about his acting career when I knew him. Also, I haven't seen a play in ages.

MORTICIA
So are we here to get out kids back or to watch the play?

GOMEZ
Both!

INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Members of Olaf's acting troupe are rushing around. Wednesday's hair is down, and she's wearing a wedding dress. Two white-faced women are doing her makeup.

WHITE-FACED WOMAN 1
That's weird. Our lightest foundation is too dark for her.

WHITE-FACED WOMAN 2
I'll go get the white face paint.

The second white-faced woman goes offscreen.

WHITE-FACED WOMAN 1
Oh, don't forget blush! We need to disguise that bruise on her face somehow!

A member of Olaf's acting troupe who looks like neither a man nor a woman comes by and places a flower crown on Wednesday's head.

HENCPERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER
You look beautiful.

WEDNESDAY
I am going to punch you in the face.

Pugsley runs up to Wednesday. He's wearing a sailor suit.

PUGSLEY
Wednesday, we're going on stage soon, so I need to tell you the loophole!

WEDNESDAY
What are you wearing?

PUGSLEY
I didn't pick it. Anyway, you've got to remember that you need to sign the paper in your own hand in order to be legally married. That means that if you sign with your non-dominant hand, you'll be fine!

WEDNESDAY
I'm ambidextrous.

PUGSLEY
Oh. Then we're doomed.

WEDNESDAY
So we're just going to give up?

PUGSLEY
There's nothing else we can do.

WEDNESDAY
It's okay. Maybe it'll be easier to kill Olaf when I'm married to him.

PUGSLEY
That is one way to think of it.

VOICE
Everyone, please get in your places for act three!

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Wednesday, Olaf, Justice Strauss, Pugsley, and several troupe members that are playing people in the crowd take their places onstage. Justice Strauss begins her speech.

MORTICIA
Does the bride look familiar to you?

VIOLET
Looks like the girl from the beach.

GOMEZ
Is that Wednesday?

MORTICIA
Yes, it is! And I think one of the people in the crowd is Pugsley! But where's Pubert?

GOMEZ
I don't see him.

MORTICIA
What should we do?

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

OLAF
I do.

JUSTICE STRAUSS
(to Wednesday)
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

WEDNESDAY
I... do.

GOMEZ
That's her, that's her voice!

MORTICIA
We need to do something!

Justice Strauss holds out a document. Olaf signs the document, then hands the quill pen to Wednesday. Wednesday sighs and signs the document. Olaf steps towards the audience.

OLAF
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. There is no reason to continue tonight's performance, for its purpose has been served. This has not been a scene of fiction. My marriage to Wednesday Addams has been perfectly legal, and now I am in control of her fortune.

The audience gasps. Gomez stands up.

GOMEZ
This is illegal!

Pugsley stands up and looks at the audience.

PUGSLEY
No, it is legal. I read up on nuptial law and unfortunately, Count Olaf is right.

Morticia stands up, her fists clenched.

MORTICIA
That's it! I'm going up there!

GOMEZ
Not yet, cara mia. I'm going to go up there and disprove this marriage, and then you can annihilate the count.

Gomez goes up to the stage and stands in front of it, facing the audience.

GOMEZ
I used to be a lawyer, so I know a bit about nuptial law, and I know that this marriage is not legal.

OLAF
How so?

GOMEZ
It was staged as a play, which means that it was fraudulent, thus making it not legally binding!

JUSTICE STRAUSS
Who are you?

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
Father?

GOMEZ
Children!

Gomez comes onstage. He gives them a hug.

GOMEZ
I missed you so much!

PUGSLEY
We missed you too!

GOMEZ
Where's Pubert?

WEDNESDAY
At Olaf's house, in a birdcage.

GOMEZ
What?

WEDNESDAY
Olaf trapped him in a birdcage until we agreed to be in the play.

GOMEZ
That's terrible!

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
We know.

Mr. Poe stands up, revealing that he was in the front row the whole time.

MR. POE
Children, do you know this man?

PUGSLEY
Since when are you here?

WEDNESDAY
We literally said he's our father.

MR. POE
That can't be right, your parents perished in a terrible fire.

Violet and Klaus stand up.

VIOLET
No, our parents did. You got it all wrong, and gave the wrong news to the wrong people.

KLAUS
But now we have new parents, Mr. and Mrs. Addams.

Gomez waves.

MR. POE
Well, if you have parents, then they couldn't have died in a fire.

KLAUS
They adopted us.

PUGSLEY
You adopted two kids?

SUNNY
Three!

MR. POE
So those three are the ones I was supposed to deliver the news to, not Wednesday and her brothers?

PUGSLEY
We have names!

MR. POE
All right. Let me get this straight. The three kids whose names I don't know -

KLAUS
The Baudelaires.

MR. POE
The Baudelaires - were adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Addams. And Wednesday, whatshisface, and the other one Addams' parents died in a fire.

WEDNESDAY
They didn't.

MR. POE
Then whose parents died?

KLAUS
Ours!

MR. POE
But you have parents!

PUGSLEY
They're our parents too!

MR. POE
Well, this is all too confusing for me, so I'm going to send you to your actual closest living relative, since I have recently been informed that that does not mean "the relative who lives closest to you." And who are your closest living relatives?

WEDNESDAY
Our parents.

MR. POE
They're dead.

PUGSLEY
Fine. Then it's our Aunt Ophelia.

WEDNESDAY
Why would you tell him that?

PUGSLEY
Because I know Ophelia can bring us back to our parents.

WEDNESDAY
Oh. Good idea. Now there's the issue of Pubert.

Morticia comes onstage.

MORTICIA
Where's Olaf?

WEDNESDAY
Not "where's Pubert?"

MORTICIA
No, you said where he was.

Morticia takes a crossbow from behind her back.

MORTICIA
I'm here for revenge.

MR. POE
All right, now seems like a good time to take the Addams kids to their new home. Come with me, children, we'll go back to Count Olaf's house and get your brother, and then it's off to your aunt Octavia!

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
Ophelia.

Mr. Poe stands up. The kids get off the stage and begin to follow him out of the theater.

WEDNESDAY
Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Father.

PUGSLEY
Goodbye.

GOMEZ
We can't just let this happen, can we?

MORTICIA
It'll be fine. I trust Ophelia.

Gomez sighs.

GOMEZ
Goodbye.

MORTICIA
Goodbye.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Mr. Poe is driving the Addams kids back from the theater. Lemony is sitting in the passenger seat.

LEMONY
I'm sure you know that when your hopes are high, the sting of defeat can feel even worse than it would if you had gone in accepting defeat. The Addams children felt such a relief upon seeing their parents. They thought their troubles would be over. Little did they know that plenty worse things would come, and that this was only the beginning... the very bad beginning.

Chapter Text

EXT. CAR - DAY

The camera follows MR. POE's car as it drives through possibly the dreariest place it's ever driven though.

LEMONY
(voiceover)
The stretch of road that leads out of the city, past the Hazy Harbor and into the town of Tedia, is perhaps the most unpleasant in the world. It is called Lousy Lane. Lousy Lane runs through fields that are a sickly gray color, in which a handful of scraggly trees produce apples so sour that one only has to look at them to feel ill. Lousy Lane traverses the Grim River, a body of water that is nine-tenths mud that contains extremely unnerving fish, and it encircles a horseradish factory, so the entire area smells bitter and strong. I would be sorry to tell you that this story begins with the Addams children traveling along this most displeasing road, but the Addams children were actually quite fond of this road.

WEDNESDAY rolls down the window and smells the air.

WEDNESDAY
Ah, horseradish. My favorite scent.

PUGSLEY
It is nice, isn't it?

Mr. Poe coughs violently.

MR. POE
It's quite... strong.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
(happily)
We know!

There's a moment where no one says anything.

MR. POE
So, do you know your Aunt Ophelia very well?

PUGSLEY
Yep! She used to come by and visit from time to time, but we haven't seen her in a while.

MR. POE
That's good. Then you should have no problem adjusting to living with her.

WEDNESDAY
She's been to our house a lot, but I don't think we've ever been to hers.

MR. POE
That'll be exciting, seeing her house for the first time. Speaking of her house, we're here!

The car pulls into the driveway of an enormous house with hedges shaped like snakes surrounding it. They pull into the driveway and get out of the car.

PUGSLEY
Woah.

WEDNESDAY
I didn't know Ophelia liked snakes.

Mr. Poe and the kids go up to the door. Mr. Poe rings the doorbell, which makes a very, very loud sound. The door opens, and OPHELIA is on the other side.

OPHELIA
Hello! You're just in time - my coconut cream pie has just finished cooling off! Come on in! I'll get you each a slice!

INT. OPHELIA'S KITCHEN - DAY

Ophelia, Mr. Poe, and the Addams kids are sitting at a table, each with a slice of coconut cream cake. Wednesday pokes her slice with a fork.

OPHELIA
Do you not like coconut, Wednesday?

WEDNESDAY
It's too sweet.

OPHELIA
Ah, I should have known you weren't a fan of sweet foods. I don't have anything else prepared, but I could make you a sandwich or something.

WEDNESDAY
No, thank you. I'm not that hungry.

OPHELIA
Oh, okay. Mr. Poe, you've hardly touched your cake. Would you like a sandwich?

MR. POE
No, thank you, Miss Frump.

OPHELIA
Miss? Please, I'm not twelve. And I have a wife.

MR. POE
Oh. Okay then. Where is she?

OPHELIA
Well, we were going to go on vacation to Peru, but then I found out that I needed to adopt these three, and I jumped off the boat, swam back to land, and came back here.

MR. POE
Excuse me?

OPHELIA
It wasn't that bad. I love the water. Oh, but I will have to take the kids to Peru with me soon, since I'm not going to call off the vacation that Iris has been looking forward to so much. I also don't remember if I told her I was going back home or not, so she may think I'm still on the boat.

Mr. Poe blinks a couple times.

MR. POE
All right, now seems like a good time for me to get back to the bank. Goodbye, children. Goodbye, Mrs. Frump.

WEDNESDAY
Good riddance!

Pugsley elbows Wednesday. Mr. Poe gets up and leaves.

OPHELIA
So, Peru! Are you kids excited?

PUGSLEY
I don't know, this is a little sudden.

OPHELIA
You don't need to worry about it. I've hired someone to take care of all the plants in the conservatory while we're gone. Wait, you don't even know what I'm talking about! Come with me, you're gonna love it!

Ophelia gets up, and the kids follow her out of the room.

INT. CONSERVATORY - DAY

Ophelia leads the kids into the conservatory. There are lots and lots of plants, all very different from one another. There's a hissing sound.

PUBERT
Snake!

PUGSLEY
You're right, that does sound like a snake. I wonder what it is.

OPHELIA
It's snakes.

PUGLSEY
(surprised)
Woah!

Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert look down. There are snakes slithering around the room.

WEDNESDAY
Why are there snakes in your conservatory?

OPHELIA
There was one snake that would come in and out of the room a few years ago. Then it must have told its friends about whatever hole in the wall it was getting in through, and then more came, and I got emotionally attached to a few of them, and now we can't get rid of any of them.

One of the snakes is wrapping around Pugsley's neck.

PUGSLEY
Cool!

OPHELIA
It's really more of a reptile room than a plant room, at this point. Hey, reptile room! That's got a nice ring to it, don't you think? Anyway, I'm hoping the plant-sitter, Stephano, doesn't mind the snakes, because there are a lot of them.

WEDNESDAY
Yes, there are.

OPHELIA
Would you like to meet the first one to ever come here?

More and more snakes are climbing all over Pugsley.

PUGSLEY
Sure!

OPHELIA
The original snake - his name is Monty - likes to sit near one particular plant in the conservatory. Let's go find him.

The four go over to what looks like a very, very large venus flytrap, walking past plants of all different shapes, sizes, and colors. A black snake with green eyes is coiled around the flytrap's stem.

OPHELIA
Here he is!

Pugsley takes a step closer to get a good look at the snake. Pubert, who Pugsley is holding, is staring at the plant. The plant shifts around and its "head" faces Pubert, almost like it's looking at him. The camera zooms in on Pubert's surprised face, and with a loud snap, the screen is black.

INT. LEMONY'S ROOM - DAY

Lemony is sitting in a chair, drinking coffee.

LEMONY
There are times when the story of the Addams children becomes too overwhelming for me, and I have to take a break from documenting it. Plenty of these times involve someone dying a tragic death, and I must warn you that this...

Lemony takes a sip of coffee.

LEMONY
is not one of them. There will be one of those moments later in this particular unfortunate event in the life of the Addams children. However, I'm glad to say that Pubert did survive his encounter with this plant.

INT. CONSERVATORY - DAY

The enormous plant that looked like it was going to eat Pubert starts licking him like a dog.

PUGSLEY
Aww!

WEDNESDAY
Our mother has a plant like this in her conservatory. Its name is Cleopatra. Are they the same kind?

OPHELIA
They certainly are! You know, that actually has quite an interesting story behind it - we thought Cleopatra was an African Strangler, but it turns out that that's an entirely different plant, and this is one of them. We're not sure what it's called, so we just call it the Incredibly Deadly Flytrap.

WEDNESDAY
That's a lovely name. I hope it's not a misnomer - an inaccurate name, that is.

OPHELIA
The Incredibly Deadly Flytrap is capable of decapitating someone with a single bite, but the two that I've met, Cleopatra and this one, Inky, are too friendly to do such a thing. No harm will come to you - or anyone, in fact - in the conservatory.

Lemony wades through the snakes until he is standing next to Inky.

LEMONY
There is a type of situation, which occurs all too often and which is occurring at this point in the story of the Addams children, called "dramatic irony." Simply put, dramatic irony is when a person makes a harmless remark, and someone else who hears it knows something that makes the remark have a different, and usually unpleasant, meaning. For instance, if you said "I can't wait to eat this almond cookie," but someone in the room knows that the cookie you're about to eat is poisoned, your situation would be one of dramatic irony. Dramatic irony is a cruel occurrence, one that is almost always upsetting, and I'm sorry to have it appear in this story, but Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert have such unfortunate lives that it was only a matter of time before dramatic irony would rear its ugly head.

WEDNESDAY
Oh. That's too bad.

OPHELIA
I like its friendliness. Well, that's the conservatory. I should probably show you to your rooms, now.

PUGSLEY
Oh, wait! We have something we need to tell you!

OPHELIA
You can tell me on the way to your rooms.

PUGSLEY
Why can't I just tell you now?

OPHELIA
Because the snakes are too loud, I can't focus.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Ophelia takes the kids to a hallway. Pugsley shakes a snake off of his arm.

PUGSLEY
Now can we tell you?

OPHELIA
Sure.

PUGSLEY
Okay. Well, the whole reason we're staying with you is so that you can bring us back to our parents, because everyone thinks they're dead, but they're really not -

The doorbell rings.

WEDNESDAY
I'll go get it. You two can keep talking.

INT. ENTRANCE - DAY

Wednesday opens the door. Someone with a long beard and no eyebrows is on the other side.

WEDNESDAY
Who are you?

STEPHANO
Hello. I am Stephano, and I will be looking after Ophelia's plants while she is gone. You must be her niece.

WEDNESDAY
You seem... familiar.

Wednesday looks down and sees the tattoo of an eye on Stephano's ankle. She touches the light, but still present mark that remains on her face from her time at Count Olaf's house. Her eyes are wide.

WEDNESDAY
It can't be.

STEPHANO
Can't be what?

WEDNESDAY
You can't be who I think you are. Either that, or you can't be who you think I think you are...?

STEPHANO
(gradually sounding more like Olaf's voice)
Well, that depends on who you think I am.

Wednesday stands very stiff. If there were any color in her face to begin with, it all would have drained out at this moment. She suddenly runs away.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Wednesday comes to a stop when she sees her brothers and Ophelia.

OPHELIA
Who was it?

WEDNESDAY
It's him!

OPHELIA
Oh, you mean the plant-sitter I hired? Great!

Ophelia leaves.

WEDNESDAY
No! I don't think so, anyway... and she's gone.

PUGSLEY
Who was it?

WEDNESDAY
Count Olaf.

PUGSLEY
No.

WEDNESDAY
Yes!

PUGSLEY
It can't be!

WEDNESDAY
That's what I said, too, but it's him! He even has the tattoo on his ankle!

Pugsley's expression goes from confusion to anger. He gives Pubert to Wednesday and marches forward.

WEDNESDAY
What are you going to do?

PUGSLEY
Not sure yet. But I'll come up with something.

INT. ENTRANCE - DAY

Ophelia is talking to Stephano. Pugsley comes into the room.

OPHELIA
And don't forget - the Incredibly Deadly Flytrap is carnivorous.

STEPHANO
How fascinating. I am listening very closely to what you are saying.

PUGSLEY
Hello, Stephano.

STEPHANO
Oh. A child.

Stephano ruffles Pugsley's hair. Pugsley cringes.

STEPHANO
I love children.

Pugsley looks at Stephano's ankle and sees the tattoo. Then he looks up and sees the handle of a knife in his pocket.

PUGSLEY
Hey, what's this?

Pugsley takes the knife out of Stephano's pocket.

STEPHANO
No no no! Don't touch that!

PUGSLEY
Oooh, shiny! This is a nice knife. Why'd you bring it?

STEPHANO
(Olaf's voice)
That's none of your business, you little rat. Now give me my knife.

PUGSLEY
I would, but I think Wednesday would like to see it. She has - had a collection of knives back home, until y'know, the fire, that definitely happened for real. You don't mind me showing it to her, do you?
STEPHANO
Wednesday is the one with the nooses for hair, yes? I will show it to her.

PUGSLEY
Okay, fine. But, now I know you have a knife, so keep that in mind.

Pugsley slides the knife back into Stephano's pocket. It's angled just right so that the knife makes a tiny cut into Stephano's leg that the audience can't see, but they can hear Stephano wheeze slightly from the pain. Pugsley smiles really wide, showing off his sharp teeth and braces, before running off.

PUGSLEY
Bye, Stephano! It was nice meeting you!

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Wednesday is standing where she was before, still holding Pubert. Pugsley comes over to them.

WEDNESDAY
What did you do?

PUGSLEY
Stabbed him a little. Played my "cute little kid" card and tried to guilt him into letting me give you his knife using that falsehood about our house burning down.

WEDNESDAY
You're fourteen. You don't have the "cute little kid" card.

PUGSLEY
Well, you weren't using yours, so I thought I'd borrow it for a little. You know, it's awfully easy to use your cuteness to manipulate people... it's too bad it didn't work on Olaf. But yeah, anyway, his leg now has a small, bleeding wound in it, thanks to me.

WEDNESDAY
Good job. So, what's the plan now? What did Ophelia say about taking us back home?

PUGSLEY
She said "not the first time someone's thought Morticia was dead!" and then started laughing for a good minute or so before you came back.

WEDNESDAY
That's it?

PUGSLEY
Yeah. Pretty much.

WEDNESDAY
So we'll probably need to remind her again. How long will it be until she has to go to Peru?

PUGSLEY
No idea.

WEDNESDAY
Wait, is Count Olaf going to be living here? He's going to be taking care of Ophelia's plants for however long she was supposed to be gone, so does that mean he's staying here?
PUGSLEY
I hope not.

OPHELIA
(from another room)
Children, would you mind helping me bring Stephano's things to the guest room?

WEDNESDAY
I am going to die.

PUGSLEY
No, you're not. Ophelia's gonna take us back home soon, and we'll never have to see Count Olaf ever again.

WEDNESDAY
But Ophelia didn't take you seriously when you tried to tell her to take us home. She must have thought you were kidding.

PUGSLEY
Then I'll go tell her I was being serious. It'll all be okay.

WEDNESDAY
You told her that before Olaf got here. Do you think, now that he's here, he'll try to stop you from doing that?

OPHELIA
Wednesday? Pugsley?

WEDNESDAY
I guess his list of chores has extended beyond the confines of his house.

The kids start walking offscreen.

PUGSLEY
I'm not too worried, we'll be out of here soon.

INT. ADDAMS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON

KLAUS is reading on the couch with SUNNY on his lap, avoiding eye contact with everyone. An explosion is heard. Klaus flinches.

KLAUS
How did we end up here, Sunny?

SUNNY
(captions)
How am I supposed to know?

KLAUS
I don't know, it was more of a rhetorical question... wait, where's Violet?

VIOLET
(from another room)
Klaus! Sunny! I invented a new kind of dynamite!

MORTICIA walks by.

KLAUS
I'm sorry about my sister, she's not usually this... destructive... unless she has particularly dangerous materials to invent with.

MORTICIA
Sorry? Klaus, something you must know about us Addamses is that we love destruction. You have no need to apologize for sharing interests!

KLAUS
I don't - never mind. I guess I'm just not used to this place yet. It's very different from my old home.

MORTICIA
I get it. There really is no place like home, is there... speaking of home, Ophelia hasn't brought the kids home yet. Maybe I should give her a call.

Morticia picks up a very old-looking phone from the table. One of those split screen things that shows like to do for phone calls happens, and Ophelia is on the other side.

OPHELIA
Hello?

MORTICIA
Hi, Ophelia. The kids are still with you, right?

OPHELIA
Of course! Where else would they be?

MORTICIA
Here. Well, I knew they weren't here, but I'd like them to be. Would you mind bringing them back?

OPHELIA
Oh. That's gonna have to wait... I got us all movie tickets to see Zombies in the Snow! Isn't that exciting?

MORTICIA
Yes, I suppose, but -

OPHELIA
Anyway, I won't be able to bring them home until the day after tomorrow, since the movie is tomorrow night.

MORTICIA
Ophelia, did you even know that you were supposed to bring them back? Do you even know why they're at your house in the first place?

OPHELIA
Yes, Pugsley told me all about it. It's quite funny, really -

MORTICIA
They were kidnapped.

OPHELIA
...They were? They were! Of course. Yes. Well, I'll bring them back to you by the end of this week, at latest. Goodbye, Morticia!

MORTICIA
Goodbye.

Morticia hangs up.

MORTICIA
I may have to go over there. I forgot how forgetful Ophelia is.

SUNNY
(captions)
How ironic.

INT. BEDROOM - AFTERNOON

Wednesday is pacing around the room, and Pugsley and Pubert are sitting on the bed.

WEDNESDAY
How did he find us here?

PUGSLEY
We did say where we were going at the theater.

WEDNESDAY
But how did he know where Aunt Ophelia lives? And why would he follow us, anyway?

PUGSLEY
Don't worry about it. We'll be out of here soon.

WEDNESDAY
The more you say that, the less sure of it I am. What if Count Olaf finds some way to make us live with him again, at his house? And he must have found us for a reason... the fortune! He wants the fortune! But we don't have it.

PUGSLEY
Exactly! So there's no way for him to get what he wants!

WEDNESDAY
But imagine how upset he'll be once he finds out we don't have anything. No, don't imagine it. I'm imagining it, and I wish I weren't.

PUGSLEY
Then stop.

Wednesday stops pacing and glares at Pugsley.

WEDNESDAY
Ever since Count Olaf got here, you've been all "it'll be fine!" "Don't worry!" Well, why shouldn't I worry? The man who tried to marry me for the fortune we don't even have has come back for the same reason! I don't even want to bring up what he did when we had to make him dinner, because you can still see it on my face! And he's going to be living with us until we go back home, and he's got a knife that he's clearly planning to use on us if we step out of line! Maybe Mr. Poe was right about us being in denial - one of us, at least!

Pugsley looks down.

PUGSLEY
I want to go home.

Wednesday sits next to him.

WEDNESDAY
Me too.

PUGSLEY
...You looking forward to the movie tomorrow?

WEDNESDAY
The what?

There's a timecard that says "THE WHAT." "WHAT" gets scribbled out, and "NEXT DAY" is written above it.

INT. KITCHEN - EVENING

The kids, Ophelia, and Stephano are sitting at the table, eating Chinese food.

OPHELIA
I hope you don't mind Stephano coming with us. I thought it might be rude to exclude him.

Wednesday covers her face with her hands.

PUGSLEY
It's fine.

OPHELIA
Great! I suppose I should have asked Stephano if he likes horror movies, though...

STEPHANO
They're okay, but I prefer to watch misfortunes in the form of a show that can be conveniently streamed from the comfort of your own home.

Stephano looks into the camera. Ophelia looks where he's looking, and waves.

PUGSLEY
It's a horror movie? We love those!

OPHELIA
I knew you would! It's also a musical, and everyone loves musicals!

Wednesday faceplants into the table.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

The kids, Ophelia, and Stephano get in line to get popcorn.

STEPHANO
I will get popcorn for everyone. You can go sit down.

OPHELIA
That's very kind of you, Stephano! Come on, kids, let's go sit down.

The kids reluctantly follow Ophelia out of the room.

WEDNESDAY
That's suspicious. He can't just be getting popcorn, he must be planning something else.

PUGSLEY
You don't have to eat the popcorn if you don't want to.

WEDNESDAY
Maybe he's trying to poison us back after what he did at his house... then again, killing us wouldn't do him any good.

OPHELIA
What are you talking about?

Wednesday looks around to make sure Stephano isn't there.

WEDNESDAY
Stephano's not really Stephano. He's actually Count Olaf, and he's back to try to take our fortune.

OPHELIA
That doesn't make any sense.

WEDNESDAY
I know. But that's just how it is. We have to stop him.

OPHELIA
Stop him from what?

WEDNESDAY
Whatever he's trying to do!

Someone shushes Wednesday. She looks around, not having realized that they've made it to their seats already. She sits down. Stephano sits down too, after a little while, with one very big container of popcorn, and one very small one. He passes the small container to Pugsley.

STEPHANO
Here you go. To share.

PUGSLEY
Thanks, I guess.

The movie starts. Music plays. Someone in the movie starts singing. The kids' eyes narrow.

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

The kids, Ophelia, and Stephano leave the theater.

OPHELIA
What did you think?

PUGSLEY
Horror and musical was an interesting combo.

WEDNESDAY
Too many songs. Not enough blood.

PUGSLEY
I don't know, I didn't love the songs, either, but I feel like if it was done a little better, I might like it.

OPHELIA
One of my favorite movies is a horror-musical about a man-eating plant. I bet you'd like it.

The kids, Ophelia, and Stephano walk offscreen, and Lemony walks onscreen.

LEMONY
Unfortunately, Ophelia would never get to show Pugsley the movie she was talking about.

INT. CONSERVATORY - NIGHT

Ophelia is checking in on Inky before she goes to bed. The green-eyed snake slithers up the plant's stem.

LEMONY
(voiceover)
The arrival of dramatic irony - or, at least, the payoff of it - was inching closer and closer, like a carnivorous creature towards the flowery head of an unsuspecting aunt, ready to strike at any moment.

The camera zooms in on Ophelia's shocked face, and with a loud snap, the screen goes black.

Chapter Text

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

PUGSLEY is asleep. STEPHANO comes into the room.

STEPHANO
Good morning. It's time to leave for Peru.

Pugsley wakes up.

PUGSLEY
What? But I thought we were going back home.

STEPHANO
Ophelia won't be able to take you back to your home, because neither her nor your home are in the condition for such an activity.

PUGSLEY
What do you mean?

STEPHANO
Let's go ask Ophelia. She's in the conservatory.

PUGSLEY
Uhh... sure?

Pugsley gets out of bed. He comes out of the room and sees that Wednesday is just outside the doorway, carrying Pubert. The kids follow Stephano into the conservatory.

INT. CONSERVATORY - MORNING

The four walk through sleeping snakes and past many plants until they reach an area the snakes appear to be avoiding. Lying lifelessly on this empty patch of floor is Ophelia. There's a pretty serious looking bite on her cheek. The kids gasp. The camera shifts back up from Ophelia, revealing that LEMONY is now standing behind her.

LEMONY
I'm sure you remember Ophelia's promise to the children that no harm would come to anyone in the conservatory. The children did too. Unlike you, the children did not know of, or, at least, were not thinking about dramatic irony during their stay with Ophelia. If they were not so overcome with shock, they would have begun thinking about it right now.

WEDNESDAY
What have you done to her?

OLAF
(completely giving up on Stephano voice)
My, my, my, my, my. What a terrible accident has happened here. Looks like a snake bite... or maybe the bite is from some other sharp-toothed thing.

Olaf looks at Inky.

WEDNESDAY
It must be a snake. Pugsley's been trained not to bite people.

PUGSLEY
He means the plant.

WEDNESDAY
I was being sarcastic. Did you seriously think I didn't know that?

PUGSLEY
It's hard to tell when you always sound like you're being sarcastic.

Wednesday's eyes narrow.

WEDNESDAY
I bet it's not even the plant, anyway. I bet Count Olaf killed her so that he can re-adopt us.

OLAF
Why, Wednesday, I'm surprised. A terrifying little girl like you should recognize a man-eating plant bite when you see one.

WEDNESDAY
I do. I also recognize a murder when I see one, and this is it.

OLAF
But it can't be. Would a murder turn your dear aunt's skin so pale, and her eyes so blank?

WEDNESDAY
She was like that to begin with.

OLAF
I guess it runs in the family.

PUGSLEY
Wait a minute. Do you really think she's dead? Like you said, besides the bite mark, she looked like that before.

Wednesday nudges Ophelia with her foot. She doesn't move. Wednesday's eyes widen.

PUGSLEY
...Ophelia?

WEDNESDAY
She can't be dead!

PUGSLEY
What should we do?

WEDNESDAY
Maybe we can call our parents. Do you remember the home phone's number?

PUGSLEY
(panicked)
Does that seem like something I'd remember?

PUBERT
Two!

WEDNESDAY
Thank you, Pubert. Very helpful.

PUGSLEY
He's a baby. You don't have to be rude to him.

WEDNESDAY
I wasn't trying to be rude.

PUGSLEY
Well, you were using the same tone as you were when you were being sarcastic!

OLAF
You two are the worst. I thought I'd get to scare you with my knife when you said you'd call your parents, but then you started arguing, and now the flow of my performance is completely ruined.

WEDNESDAY
How unfortunate.

PUGSLEY
I thought you hated Olaf.

WEDNESDAY
Sarcasm, Pugsley! I'm being sarcastic!

OLAF
All right. There's no use in trying to be theatrical about this. You're coming with me to Peru and I'm telling anyone who says otherwise that I'm bringing you to the rest of Ophelia's family. Get in the car.

WEDNESDAY
You're not our legal guardian. You can't take us to another country.

Olaf takes the knife out of his pocket. The kids look scared.

EXT. OPHELIA'S CAR - MORNING

Wednesday gets into the back with Pubert, and Pugsley sits in the passenger seat. Olaf puts a suitcase into the back before getting into the car. The car begins to drive away from Ophelia's house. It drives for a little while before a small black car becomes visible, driving in the opposite direction of Ophelia's car. The two cars collide. Olaf is thrown into the steering wheel. The airbag goes off, completely covering Pugsley from view. Wednesday looks as if nothing has happened.

PUGSLEY
(muffled)
That was fun!

OLAF
Blasted furnaces of hell!

Olaf gets out of the car. Coughing is heard from outside the car.

PUGSLEY
Is that the guy from the bank?

WEDNESDAY
Who else could it be?

Mr. Poe struggles to get out of the now crumpled-up car. Wednesday gets out of Ophelia's car, leaving Pubert with Pugsley. She comes up to Mr. Poe and Stephano.

WEDNESDAY
Hello, Mr. Poe.

MR. POE
Wednesday? What are you doing here?

WEDNESDAY
I'm wondering the same about you. It's very strange that we ran into each other here...

MR. POE
Figuratively!

WEDNESDAY
Yeah. That's the right word to use there.

OLAF
How dare you! I mean -

Olaf clears his throat before using his Stephano voice.

STEPHANO
I'm so sorry. This whole thing is my fault. I'm so distressed by what has happened that I wasn't paying any attention to the rules of the road. I hope you're not hurt, Mr. Foe.

MR. POE
My name is Poe. Luckily, it looks like nobody was hurt. I wish the same could be said for my car. But who are you and what are you doing with the Addams children?

WEDNESDAY
I'll tell you who he is. He's -

MR. POE
Please, Wednesday. It's not polite to interrupt.

WEDNESDAY
I don't care. I'll do it anyway. He's -

STEPHANO
My name is Stephano. I am - I mean, I was - Ophelia's plant-sitter.

MR. POE
What do you mean was? Were you fired?

STEPHANO
No. Ophelia is... oh, excuse me...

Stephano dabs at his eyes.

STEPHANO
I'm sorry to tell you there's been a horrible accident. Ophelia is dead.

MR. POE
She's dead? That's terrible! What happened?

STEPHANO
I don't know. It looks like a man-eating plant bite to me, but I don't know anything about plants.

WEDNESDAY
Then why are you -

STEPHANO
That's why I was going into town, to get a doctor. The children seemed too upset to be left alone.

Pugsley comes over to them.

PUGSLEY
So is the doctor in Peru, or have your plans to take us there changed?

MR. POE
Peru? Oh, you must be taking the kids to the rest of Ophelia's family.

STEPHANO
I am? I am! Yes. Later.

WEDNESDAY
No. He's taking us to Peru so that we can live with him and he can get our fortune.

MR. POE
Now, Wednesday, why would Stephano want your fortune?

WEDNESDAY
Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

MR. POE
Yes, but Stephano is looking for a doctor. That has nothing to do with money.

STEPHANO
Exactly. Now, Mr. Poe, why don't you drive on up to the house, and I'll take the children and find a doctor.

MR. POE
Why don't we all go to the house and call for a doctor?

Stephano's face grows angry, but goes back to a fake smile.

STEPHANO
Of course. I should have called earlier. Obviously, I'm not thinking as clearly as you. Here, children, get back in the car, and Mr. Poe will follow us.

MR. POE
By foot?

STEPHANO
...Yes.

Stephano gets into Ophelia's car.

PUGSLEY
We're not getting in that car.

MR. POE
Well, you're certainly not getting into my car.

PUGSLEY
Well, duh. Your car's all crushed up. But we're not getting into Stephano's car, either, because he's not really Stephano. He's Count Olaf in disguise.

WEDNESDAY
Like I said, he's taking us away so he can get our fortune.

STEPHANO
Who am I? What am I doing?

MR. POE
Forgive them, Stephano. They're very upset. Count Olaf is a terrible man who tried to steal their money, and they're very frightened of him.

STEPHANO
Do I look like this Count Olaf?

MR. POE
Not at all. You have a very long beard and no eyebrows. Count Olaf has a very short beard and one long eyebrow.

PUGSLEY
He shaved his eyebrow and put on a fake beard. He's literally putting his hand underneath it to scratch his face.

Stephano quickly moves his hand from under his fake beard to behind his back.

WEDNESDAY
He even has the tattoo of an eye on his ankle. It's right -

Wednesday motions towards Stephano's ankle. The camera zooms in on Stephano's socks, which are covering his ankle.

WEDNESDAY
He wasn't wearing socks before...

PUGSLEY
It's okay, we can just have him roll down his socks, and he'll reveal himself.

STEPHANO
If you insist... right, or left?

WEDNESDAY
Left.

Stephano places his left foot on the bumper of the car. He rolls down his sock. There is no tattoo. Wednesday and Pugsley stare at his ankle in confusion.

MR. POE
See? It's not Count Olaf. You have nothing to worry about. Now, let's all walk back to the house and call a doctor.

The Addams kids exchange worried glances. The adults start to go back to the house. The kids reluctantly follow.

INT. CONSERVATORY - DAY

The kids come into the room to see Ophelia walking around, humming and watering her plants.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
Aunt Ophelia?

Ophelia looks up and waves at the kids. It wasn't visible before, but now you can see that the bite mark is still on her face.

OPHELIA
Hi, kids!

PUGSLEY
We thought you were dead!

OPHELIA
Could a dead person do this?

Ophelia just stands there, like she forgot what she was going to do.

WEDNESDAY
...You were lying on the ground with a giant bite on your face. You weren't moving. Or breathing.

OPHELIA
I was asleep. As for the bite, I... you know, I'm actually not sure about that. I'm sure it's nothing.

PUGSLEY
Oh. Okay then. That makes perfect sense.

WEDNESDAY
We should show Mr. Poe and Stephano that you're alive. Then you can take us back to our parents.

OPHELIA
Okay! I'll just go back to watering my plants.

Ophelia goes behind some plants so that she isn't visible. Someone with very stiff hands comes through the doorway, pushing the kids aside.

DR. LUCAFONT
I am Dr. Lucafont. I received a call that there's been a terrible accident involving a man-eating plant.

PUGSLEY
We just got home. How did anyone have the time to call a doctor, let alone for one to be here already?

DR. LUCAFONT
I believe that speed is of the essence in an emergency, don't you? If an autopsy is to be performed, it should be done immediately.

WEDNESDAY
Looks like speed is of the essence for us too, if there's going to be an autopsy. We need to tell everyone that Ophelia is alive.

DR. LUCAFONT
Ophelia's alive?

WEDNESDAY
Yes. Pugsley, you go get Mr. Poe and Stephano. I'll show Aunt Ophelia to Dr. Lucafont.

Pugsley gives a thumbs up before leaving.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Pugsley comes up to Mr. Poe, who's about to dial a number on the phone.

PUGSLEY
Mr. Poe -

MR. POE
Just a moment. I need to call a doctor.

PUGSLEY
The doctor's already here. Anyway, what I was saying -

The phone rings. Mr. Poe picks it up.

MR. POE
Hello?

MORTICIA
(over the phone)
Ophelia? Do you have a cold? You sound unwell.

Mr. Poe coughs.

MR. POE
Who is this?

The talking-on-the-phone-split-screen thing happens.

MORTICIA
It's me, Morticia. I'm calling about the kids.

MR. POE
Morticia... that name sounds familiar.

PUGSLEY
Is that my mom?

MR. POE
Your mom is dead.

Pugsley takes the phone.

PUGSLEY
Hi mom!

MORTICIA
Pugsley! How are you? How's Wednesday? And Pubert? Does Ophelia remember she's supposed to bring you back?

PUGSLEY
Everything's fine. Except that it isn't. It's all bad. But it's fine!

MORTICIA
What's wrong?

PUGSLEY
(all in one breath)
Remember that guy who tried to marry Wednesday? Count Olaf? He's back. He's calling himself Stephano and he tried to kill Ophelia and kidnap me and Wednesday and Pubert and -

Pugsley takes a deep breath.

MORTICIA
Who tried to what?

PUGSLEY
Oh, it's no big deal. We'll take care of it.

MORTICIA
Do you need me to come over there?

PUGSLEY
No! We'll be fine! We'll be totally - where's Pubert?

MORTICIA
What?
PUGSLEY
We'll be fine! Goodbye!

Pugsley hangs up. He pulls on his hair.

PUGSLEY
FUuu...n! Fun times! This is great! I'm gonna go find my brother now! Goodbye!

Pugsley runs offscreen. Mr. Poe coughs.

INT. CONSERVATORY - DAY

Wednesday is standing next to Dr. Lucafont, staring at the ground. Pugsley comes over to her. He looks at the ground. Ophelia is lying there, surrounded by dirt and a broken pot. Dr. Lucafont brushes his fake hands against each other.

DR. LUCAFONT
That should do it.

PUGSLEY
What happened here?

WEDNESDAY
He smashed a plant pot over her head, knocking her out. Where are Mr. Poe and Stephano?

PUGSLEY
I forgot I was supposed to bring them here. Mom called -

WEDNESDAY
Mom called?

PUGSLEY
Yeah! And she's scared because I'm scared because I don't know where Pubert is! Among other things, I guess.

WEDNESDAY
He wasn't with you?

PUGSLEY
No! Ohh, Mom and Dad are gonna kill us!

WEDNESDAY
Not if Stephano kills us first.

PUGSLEY
He wouldn't do that, all he wants is our fortune.

WEDNESDAY
Missing brother, incapacitated aunt, what's next? Mother wearing white?

INT. ADDAMS HOUSE, ENTRANCE - DAY

Morticia is standing at the door. She's wearing a flowy white dress and trying to weave flowers into her hair. GOMEZ comes up to her. He opens his mouth to say something, but just kind of stares at Morticia.

MORTICIA
I look enough like my sister to pull this off, don't I?

GOMEZ
The hair kind of throws it off.

MORTICIA
I don't have a wig, so I'm hoping that banker is stupid enough to see past that. I mean, he did think we were dead, even after seeing us in person, so I wouldn't put it past him.

GOMEZ
That is true. I wish you the best of luck, cara mia!

MORTICIA
I'll be back soon, Gomez!

Morticia leaves.

INT. CONSERVATORY -DAY

Wednesday and Pugsley are in a different part of the conservatory than before, so Dr. Lucafont is nowhere to be seen.

WEDNESDAY
All right. Let's figure out what we need to do by first sorting out the problems we need to solve.

PUGSLEY
There are so many!

WEDNESDAY
I know. But we might be able to solve them if we put our minds to it. Let's see... we need to convince Mr. Poe that Ophelia isn't dead. That's one. We also need to find Pubert. That's another. Another thing we have to do is prove that Stephano is really Count Olaf. That leaves us with three problems, one for each of us to solve.

PUGSLEY
But Pubert is missing.

WEDNESDAY
Once we find him, he can solve one of the problems.

PUGSLEY
He's just a baby. How much can we really expect of him?

WEDNESDAY
He's not just a baby. He's an Addams. He can fend for himself just fine. Now, let's sort out who solves what problem. I call not the one with Stephano, since I don't want to be within five feet of him. I could try to find Pubert.

PUGSLEY
Okay. Then I'll prove that Ophelia is alive, and Pubert can prove that Stephano is really Olaf.

WEDNESDAY
All right. That's something of a plan, so let's do that. Good luck.

PUGSLEY
We're gonna need it.

INT. ENTRANCE - DAY

Wednesday is pacing around in front of the door.

WEDNESDAY
When did we last see Pubert? Not when we first saw Ophelia this morning, we brought him into the car.

Wednesday stops pacing.

WEDNESDAY
Could that be it? The car? Would he have wandered off from there? Hmm... it's at least a starting point.

Wednesday leaves. Lemony enters.

LEMONY
It is now necessary for me to use the rather hackneyed phrase "meanwhile, back at the ranch." The word "hackneyed" here means "used by so, so many writers that by the time Lemony Snicket uses it, it is a tiresome cliché." "Meanwhile, back at the ranch" is a phrase used to link what is going on in one part of the story to what is going on in another part of the story, and it has nothing to do with cows or with horses or with any people who work in rural areas where ranches are, or even ranch dressing, which is creamy and put on salads. Here, the phrase "meanwhile, back at the ranch" refers to what Pugsley was doing while Wednesday was searching the car.

INT. CONSERVATORY - DAY

Pugsley is crouching next to Ophelia's unconscious body. He pokes her.

PUGSLEY
Aunt Ophelia? You ok?

Ophelia does not move.

PUGSLEY
Wake up!

Ophelia does not move.

PUGSLEY
I'm supposed to be proving that you're alive! How am I supposed to do that when you're acting like a corpse? ...There must be some way to get you to wake up.

Pugsley pulls on one of Ophelia's flowers. Nothing happens. He takes the watering can and sprinkles it on her face. Nothing happens.

PUGSLEY
Are you... are you really dead this time?

Pugsley frantically looks around.

PUGSLEY
Wake up!

He stomps on Ophelia's hand. No response. A look of pure panic comes over him. Suddenly, someone opens the door to the conservatory and comes in. Pugsley looks up. Morticia, dressed as Ophelia, has entered the conservatory.

PUGSLEY
Mom!

MORTICIA
Pugsley!

Morticia rushes over to him. They hug.

MORTICIA
What happened here?

PUGSLEY
Just... a lot.

MORTICIA
I see. Is she okay?

PUGSLEY
Define okay.

Morticia checks Ophelia's pulse.

MORTICIA
She's alive. Unconscious, but alive. That's good, I suppose, considering my plan. Do you know why I'm dressed like this?

PUGSLEY
You've gone into such a panic about our situation that you're having an identity crisis?

MORTICIA
What? No. I'm in disguise. You're going to pretend that I'm Ophelia, and prove that she's alive that way.

PUGSLEY
All I said was that Olaf tried to kill her. How did you know enough to come up with this plan?

MORTICIA
You said that Count Olaf tried to kill Ophelia, not that he actually had. Because of this, I knew she wasn't dead. I figured that the man from the bank -

PUGSLEY
Mr. Poe?

MORTICIA
Oh, that's his name. Anyway, I figured he wouldn't think to check Ophelia's pulse, so the only way he'd believe she's alive is if he saw her walking around.

PUGSLEY
That's really confusing.

MORTICIA
These are confusing times, but we'll get past them. Now, I'm going to move Ophelia somewhere she won't be seen.

Morticia lifts Ophelia up by the armpits and drags her offscreen.

LEMONY
(voiceover)
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

EXT. OPHELIA'S CAR - DAY

Wednesday opens the back door. Pubert isn't there. She closes the door. Then she checks the trunk. The only thing there is the suitcase. There's a padlock on the suitcase, but Wednesday just takes it off, since it's not locked. She opens the suitcase, and Pubert is inside, along with a bunch of pieces of a disassembled machine or weapon.

WEDNESDAY
Pubert? What were you doing in there?

She takes a syringe out of the suitcase.

WEDNESDAY
It doesn't seem like a very safe place to be. You must have known that.

Pubert smiles and laughs. Wednesday smiles back.

WEDNESDAY
Now, let's see...

Wednesday picks Pubert up and starts going through the suitcase.

WEDNESDAY
This stuff looks like it could be used to make a weapon of some kind. Maybe I could reassemble it. I bet this was what Count Olaf tried to kill Aunt Ophelia with! This would be a good plan B, if we can't prove that Ophelia's alive. We can get Olaf arrested for attempted murder.

INT. CONSERVATORY - DAY

Morticia is walking around, watering plants. Pugsley brings Mr. Poe over to her.

PUGSLEY
See, she's alive! We don't need the doctor, and Stephano doesn't need to take us to Peru.

Morticia looks up and waves.

MR. POE
I thought she was dead.

PUGSLEY
Yeah. But she's not anymore.

MR. POE
Are you saying she was dead before but now she's alive?

PUGSLEY
Wait, no. That's not what I meant. We thought she was dead, but she's just unconscious. Wait, no! She's not unconscious! She's right here, alive, and very conscious! But she was unconscious before.

Wednesday runs over to them with Pubert.

WEDNESDAY
I found Pubert!

PUGSLEY
That's great!

WEDNESDAY
I also found a murder weapon!

Wednesday takes what looks like a gun with two syringes on the end out from behind her back.

PUGSLEY
Woah! Where did you get that?

WEDNESDAY
It was in the suitcase Count Olaf had. I think this is what he used to try to kill Ophelia.

Wednesday looks at Morticia.

WEDNESDAY
Mother? What's going on?

MORTICIA
Not mother. Ophelia.

WEDNESDAY
What?

MR. POE
This is all too confusing for me -

Ophelia emerges from behind several plants.

OPHELIA
(pointing to the weapon)
Hey, that's the last thing I saw before passing out!

ALL
Ophelia?

OPHELIA
Hi, everyone!

MORTICIA
I thought you were unconscious!

OPHELIA
I'm not? There's so much going on, I thought I was dreaming!

MORTICIA
I wish I was.

MR. POE
If that's Ophelia, then who's the one watering the plants?

Morticia takes the flowers out of her hair.

MORTICIA
Morticia Addams, Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert's mother.

MR. POE
You mean Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert's dead mother?

Morticia sighs.

MORTICIA
Yes.

Stephano enters the conservatory.

STEPHANO
Oh no! We're being haunted by the ghosts of both Ophelia and Morticia! We must get out of this house immediately! The safest place to go would be Peru. Ghosts can't travel to other countries.

MR. POE
That's true!

PUGSLEY
No! We can't go with him!

MR. POE
Why not?

Pubert takes the watering can from Morticia and sprinkles it on Stephano's ankle, washing off the makeup covering the tattoo.

PUBERT
(angrily)
Eye!

Mr. Poe gasps. This sends him into a brief coughing fit.

MR. POE
Oh no! It really is Olaf! We should have him arrested!

ALL EXCEPT MR. POE AND STEPHANO
Yes!

MR. POE
Now, before we do that, who is your second closest living relative?

Stephano runs offscreen.

PUGSLEY
He's getting away!

MR. POE
That's an odd name. Then again, you were named after a breed of dog...

PUGSLEY
No! I mean Stephano is running away!

Mr. Poe looks out the door of the conservatory.

MR. POE
Oh, would you look at that. He is. We can deal with that later. Now, can you repeat the name of your relative?

WEDNESDAY
Itt.

MR. POE
What?

WEDNESDAY
That's it. Itt.

PUGSLEY
Maybe if we leave with Mom now, Mr. Poe won't come after us. He seems pretty chill about Stephano running away.

MORTICIA
Good idea. Let's go.

MR. POE
Oh, no. I will not allow these children to be cared for by ghosts. Let's go to your new home, kids.

ADDAMS KIDS
No!

They run off with Morticia out of the conservatory.

INT. MORTICIA'S CAR - DAY

Lemony is sitting in the passenger seat. The kids and Morticia get into the car and drive off.

LEMONY
I recommend you stop watching this show right now, and never continue. That way, you can live your whole life not knowing what happened to the Addams children. You can live your life believing that after this, Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert Addams were brought back to their real home, and they lived a happy life with both of their parents, and their new siblings, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny. Unfortunately, that's not how this story goes.

EXT. MORTICIA'S CAR - DAY

The car is travelling along Lousy Lane. Mr. Poe gets into his car and miraculously gets it to work. It's facing towards Morticia's car, and once it starts to drive, it drives straight into it.

LEMONY
(voiceover)
A terrible car crash occurred, and Morticia's car was no longer able to drive. Surprisingly, the crash affected her car more than Mr. Poe's, and the children had to ride with him.

The kids sadly get into the back of Mr. Poe's car. Lemony is now in the passenger seat of this car.

LEMONY
The car was cramped to begin with, but having been crashed into twice, it was even smaller than before... almost as small as the Addams children's hopes that things would ever go back to normal.

Chapter Text

INT. NEWS PLACE (IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED) - EVENING

There are two newscasters sitting in front of a screen.

NEWSCASTER 1
Good evening, and welcome to Lachrymose News. Things that are happening keep happening, until they stop.

The Addams kids are shown on the screen, in their costumes from the play.

NEWSCASTER 1
Not unlike the plight of the Addams orphans, who viewers will recall lost their parents, and their home, in a terrible fire.

What's left of the Baudelaire mansion is shown on the screen.

NEWSCASTER 1
With the latest update on their dire plight, is our co-anchor, Vincent Fig Demetrio.

NEWSCASTER 2
Thanks, Veronica. Viewers will recall that following the fire, the Addamses were sent to live with Count Olaf, a villainous actor and an active villain that has vowed repeatedly that he will stop at nothing to get his hands on the enormous fortune the Addams parents left behind.

NEWSCASTER 1
Let's hope so, Vincent. Coming up next, some very nice people were poisoned. But first, the weather.

The camera shifts to a map of Lachrymose Lake on the wall. Lemony walks in front of it.

LEMONY
If the story of the Addams children were a news report, there would be hardly any sunshine to be seen. Instead, there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness.

Lemony throws a cloud sticker onto the picture of Lake Lachrymose.

LEMONY
Blizzards of despair.

Lemony throws another cloud sticker, this time with snowflakes, onto the picture. He continues to throw stickers onto the picture as he lists off terrible things.

LEMONY
Misery in the form of sleet storms. Various cold fronts of terror, horror, attacks of allergies.

The "attacks of allergies" sticker is a picture of what looks like a black dog with an X over it.

LEMONY
Not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map.

Lemony holds a big sticker of a hurricane and looks like he's about to put it on the map, but walks offscreen instead.

EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK - DAY

The sky is gray and cloudy. Pugsley, Wednesday, Pubert, and Mr. Poe are standing on the dock. A boat is near the dock.

LEMONY
(voiceover)
If you didn't know about the Addams children's unfortunate history and you saw them disembark from the Fickle Ferry onto Damocles Dock, you might think they were bound for an exciting adventure. You would be dead wrong. It is my sad duty to report this tragic story, but to my knowledge, it is no duty of yours to watch said story play out, so now is your chance to turn your television off before you find yourself crying from making the terrible mistake of binge-watching such an appalling show.

MR. POE
I'd better get back to the bank. I'm sure you three will be off on some exciting adventure with your new guardian, but remember: you can always rely on me at Mulctuary Money Management.

Mr. Poe gives Pugsley a business card.

MR. POE
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll leave you on this mostly deserted dock to wait for your taxi to your Cousin Itt's house.

PUGSLEY
He's not meeting us here?

MR. POE
Well, I tried to arrange for that to happen, but I couldn't understand a word he was saying when I called. I figured he didn't speak English.

WEDNESDAY
We can understand him just fine.

MR. POE
Oh, are you multilingual?

WEDNESDAY
Oui.

PUGSLEY
Sí.

MR. POE
That's great! Now, I knew you might be a little worried considering your... track record with failed guardians, so I brought you something.

Mr. Poe takes a chocolate bar out of his pocket and gives it to Wednesday.

MR. POE
Here you go! You can split it on your way to your new home.

PUGSLEY
Thanks, Mr. Poe.

MR. POE
You're very welcome!

Mr. Poe takes a handful of change out of his pocket and gives it to Pugsley.

MR. POE
This should cover the taxi ride. Goodbye, Addamses! Good luck!

Mr. Poe goes back to the Fickle Ferry and gets on.

PUGSLEY
Should we have told him you can't have chocolate?

WEDNESDAY
No. Then I'd have to explain why.

PUGSLEY
Oh, come on. There's nothing wrong with being a werew-

WEDNESDAY
Shut up. It's embarrassing. It didn't seem worth mentioning, anyway.

A taxi pulls up to the dock.

TAXI DRIVER
Does anyone need a ride somewhere for a reasonable fee?

The kids look from the taxi to each other, then the taxi again.

INT. TAXI - DAY

The Addams kids are sitting in the back. The taxi is driving through the town.

WEDNESDAY
This town doesn't seem very crowded.

TAXI DRIVER
That's because it's the off season. When the weather's nice, this place is as crowded as can be. But right now, it's as dead as a cat I ran over this morning.

PUGSLEY
That's nice.

The car swerves around a tight corner and begins its ascent up a steep hill.

TAXI DRIVER
I hope your Cousin Itt has enough food and supplies for when Hurricane Herman arrives. It's supposed to be a doozy.

PUGSLEY
There's gonna be a hurricane?

WEDNESDAY
I thought those only occurred near the sea.

TAXI DRIVER
With a body of water as big as Lake Lachrymose, anything can happen!

The taxi drives to the top of the hill. A crooked house is hanging off the edge, barely held up by rickety wooden supports.

TAXI DRIVER
Looks like we're here!

EXT. ITT'S HOUSE - DAY

The kids get out of the taxi.

WEDNESDAY
I'm now realizing we've never been to Cousin Itt's house. He's only been to ours.

PUGSLEY
Ophelia was the same way. I wonder why.

TAXI DRIVER
Well, good luck!

The taxi drives away. The kids come up to the front door of the house and find three words written on the door.

PUGSLEY
(reading the words on the door)
"Please go away."

WEDNESDAY
Seems a bit strange for Cousin Itt, don't you think? He was always quite outgoing.

PUGSLEY
Yeah.

Wednesday rings the doorbell. It doesn't make any noise. She rings it again. Still, no noise. Pugsley's about to knock, but the door opens before he can. For a moment, it looks like no one is on the other side, until the camera pans down. COUSIN ITT is standing there, a couple inches shorter than Wednesday.

WEDNESDAY
Hello, Cousin Itt. I think there's something wrong with the doorbell.

Cousin Itt speaks almost entirely in gibberish, with captions at the bottom of the screen.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
It's disconnected. I don't want the electricity to mess up my hair.

The kids look at each other with concern.

WEDNESDAY
Okay then.

The kids come inside.

INT. COUSIN ITT'S HOUSE - DAY

The kids and Cousin Itt walk past a telephone that has a glass cover over it with a label that says "DANGER: Electrocution."

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Be careful with the phone.

WEDNESDAY
Electrocution?

Itt nods.

PUGSLEY
Me and Uncle Fester did some fun experiments with electricity a while back. It seemed pretty safe to me.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley, you could cut off your own arm and it would grow right back. What's safe for you is in no way safe for anyone else. But, ignoring that, the amount of electricity used in doorbells and telephones is perfectly harmless, Cousin Itt. You have nothing to worry about.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
You can never be too safe! Speaking of safe, I have something to show you.

Itt begins to walk into another room. The kids reluctantly follow him.

PUGSLEY
(whispering)
I'm worried about Cousin Itt.

WEDNESDAY
(whispering)
Of course, you are. He's not acting like himself... do you think he's you-know-who in disguise?

PUGSLEY
(whispering)
There's no way. He's way too short.

Cousin Itt opens a door. He and the Addams kids go through it and enter a library with an enormous window.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

The kids are in awe of what's through the window: a perfect view of Lake Lachrymose and the blue-gray clouds above.

WEDNESDAY
It's dark.

PUGSLEY
It's depressing.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
It's wonderful.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
It is. But I can only stand to look at it from far away, now.

WEDNESDAY
Why is that?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Just last year, something terrible happened.

There's a dramatic pause. It leads up to nothing, leaving the kids confused.

PUGSLEY
What was it?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
I was going to go swimming in the lake. Thing is, I had eaten 45 minutes before.

PUGSLEY
Did you get a cramp?

WEDNESDAY
Did you drown because your wet hair weighed you down into the terrible depths of the lake, never to be seen again?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
No. Worse. Lake Lachrymose is infested with leeches. They each have six rows of very sharp teeth and one very sharp nose that can smell the tiniest bit of food from very far away. They smelled it on me, and...

WEDNESDAY
They sucked all your blood?

COUSIN ITT
(dramatically, captions)
No. They stole my hair.

The kids blink in confusion.

PUGSLEY
You still have your hair.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
It grew back. But, now I'm more careful about keeping my hair where and how it is than ever before. Now... what was I going to show you, again? Oh, yeah.

Itt goes over to a safe in one of the walls.

PUGSLEY
What's in there?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Crucial information that I use to better understand the world.

WEDNESDAY
Maybe this could help us understand why we got caught up in this mess in the first place.

Itt slides a bookshelf out from behind another, covering the safe.

COUSIN ITT
Books!

WEDNESDAY
(to Pugsley)
How long ago was the last time we saw Cousin Itt?

PUGSLEY
I was ten, and you were eight.

WEDNESDAY
It's been that long? No wonder he's nothing like I remember him.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
As scarring as my encounter with the leeches was, something good did come out of it. I didn't look much like myself without hair, so I figured it would be a good time to reinvent myself. I'm learning how to speak English! Real English!

PUGSLEY
...Wow! That's great! But, uh... what's in the safe?

COUSIN ITT
Stuff.
(captions)
See how good I am? I'll be able to talk to people outside our family in no time!

WEDNESDAY
What kind of stuff?

COUSIN ITT
Stuff!
(captions)
Now, let's go have some lunch. How does soup sound?

PUGSLEY
Sounds great! It's cold in here, I bet that'll warm us up.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

The kids and Itt are sitting at a round table, each with a bowl of soup. Pugsley takes a spoonful.

PUGSLEY
Is it supposed to be cold?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
I never cook anything hot. The stove could burn my hair.

Wednesday cautiously takes a long hair out of her soup.

PUGSLEY
Of course.

WEDNESDAY
Do you think, maybe, that it's the lake that has you so on-edge? It could be reminding you of what happened, and maybe if you were somewhere else, you wouldn't have to think about it.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
I can't do that. I'm scared of real estate agents.

WEDNESDAY
You're what?

PUGSLEY
What could they possibly do to your hair?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
It's not related to that. There's just so much talking you have to do around them, and I'm not good at that. I'm getting better, so maybe someday I'll move.

EXT. CLOTHING STORE - DAY

Lemony comes out of the store wearing the exact same outfit as the mannequin in the window. He starts walking through the street.

LEMONY
I'm sure you know there are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational. Or, in simpler terms, fears that make sense, and fears that don't. For instance, the Addams children had a fear of Count Olaf, which makes perfect sense considering the terrible things he's done and the lengths that he's gone to get his hands on their fortune. But if they were afraid of lemon meringue pie, that would be an irrational fear, because lemon meringue pie is delicious and has never hurt a soul. Being afraid of lemon meringue pie is irrational, because it doesn't make sense for anyone to be afraid of it, but one could argue that it is rational in the case of the Addams children, because it makes sense that children fascinated in such dark and disturbing things would be a little unsettled by something sweet and harmless. The same can be said about real estate agents, a term which here means "people who assist in the buying and selling of houses": it doesn't make sense for just anyone to be afraid of them, but it does in the case of Cousin Itt, who does not have the language skills to communicate with such a person.

INT. BEDROOM - AFTERNOON

Itt is sitting on one bed, and the Addams kids on the other. Itt gives Wednesday a headless doll.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
For Wednesday, a doll. Head pre-removed!

WEDNESDAY
Thanks.

Itt gives Pugsley a baseball bat.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
For Pugsley, a baseball bat.

PUGSLEY
Uhh... thanks?

Itt gives Pubert a rattle.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
And for Pubert, a rattle. It sounds like a snake.

PUBERT
Thank.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
I hope you like them. I had to go to the store to get them, and I actually talked to the cashier instead of shoplifting like I usually would.

PUGSLEY
That's nice. Did you get anything for when the hurricane hits while you were there?

COUSIN ITT
Hurricane?

WEDNESDAY
Herman. The taxi driver said it's a huge storm headed our way.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
I had no idea! We'll need food! We'll need supplies! I'm going to go to the store again to get that stuff. I'll be back soon.

Itt leaves the room.

PUGSLEY
So. Cousin Itt. He sure is... different, huh.

WEDNESDAY
I know. I guess we're different than he thought we were, too, based on these gifts. The doll was a nice sentiment, but everyone knows I think decapitating them myself is half the fun.

PUGSLEY
I guess he must have visited during my "normal" phase last time he saw us. This bat isn't something I'd be into today. I would think of it as a weapon, but even that's more your thing than mine.

PUBERT
Ssssss.

WEDNESDAY
Oh, yeah. You must not want much to do with snakes anymore since our visit with Ophelia.

PUGSLEY
At least Itt's trying.

The kids sit in silence for a second or two.

WEDNESDAY
...Remember that safe in the library? Let's go check it out.

PUGSLEY
Are you sure that's a good idea? I don't wanna make Cousin Itt mad or anything.

WEDNESDAY
Does he seem like he'd get mad?

PUGSLEY
If we mess up his hair.

WEDNESDAY
Right. And we're not doing that. So let's go see what's inside that safe.

INT. LIBRARY - AFTERNOON

Pubert is sitting in a chair while Wednesday slides the bookshelf out of the way so that the safe is visible again.

WEDNESDAY
Most safes have a combination consisting of three numbers. We just have to find out what those numbers are.

PUGSLEY
That's over a thousand combinations, right?

WEDNESDAY
One million. But that's not as scary as it sounds. If I were coming up with a three-number combination, I would pick the numbers randomly so that no one would have any chance of guessing what it was. This would work flawlessly because my memory is perfect. But not everyone is as brilliant as me, so I'm guessing that Itt's combination is something he would remember... something that means something.

PUGSLEY
What number would mean something to Itt?

WEDNESDAY
Maybe it's a word. There are codes that substitute numbers for letters.

PUGSLEY
So we just have to figure out something that Itt cares about to spell out with numbers. But what does he care about? We don't know much about him.

WEDNESDAY
That is true.

PUGSLEY
Hmm... electrical safety?

WEDNESDAY
Too long. Hair? No, that's too long, too.

PUGSLEY
Our dad has a secret room with the code 2, 10, 11. Do you think this could be the same?

WEDNESDAY
How do you remember that?

PUGSLEY
You know, like eyes, fingers, toes. That's what Dad used to say.

WEDNESDAY
It's worth a shot, I guess.

Wednesday tries the combination. The safe opens. Pugsley smirks, as if to say "I told you so." Wednesday takes a photo album out of the safe. Pugsley comes over to see.

WEDNESDAY
Do you think it's a family album?

Wednesday starts flipping through the album. There are pictures of lots of people they don't know, but Itt and Gomez are in a few pictures.

PUGSLEY
I don't recognize anyone here, except Itt. And - is that Dad?

WEDNESDAY
I think so. Those other people must be old friends of theirs.

PUGSLEY
I wonder why Itt would keep this locked up.

Wednesday puts the album back into the safe.

WEDNESDAY
It's probably nothing. I bet there's some embarrassing picture of him in there that he doesn't want anyone to see.

PUGSLEY
And you don't want to see it?

Wednesday thinks for a second before quickly taking the album back out and flipping through the pages.

INT. ADDAMS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Morticia and Gomez are sitting next to each other on the couch. Morticia's head is resting on Gomez's shoulder.

MORTICIA
It's that banker. Mr. Poe. It's almost like he's trying to ruin our lives, but he just acts so stupid, like he has no idea he's doing it. I mean, what are the odds that his car crashed into mine just right to keep mine from starting up, but leave his still running?

GOMEZ
I wholeheartedly agree. But why would he try to ruin our lives in the first place?

MORTICIA
I don't know. Whether he means well or not, I'm making plans to get revenge on him as well as that terrible count.

GOMEZ
I'm so glad our children inherited your vengeful spirit.

SPOOKY VOICE
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!

MORTICIA
That one?

GOMEZ
No, I mean your willingness to make our enemies regret ever being born. It's a good quality to have. My old associates had that, too.

Gomez sighs sadly.

MORTICIA
Associates? In what?

GOMEZ
Oh, just an old... job... I had.

MORTICIA
Hm. Okay then. So, what are we going to do about the children living with Itt? We are going to get them back, aren't we?

GOMEZ
Of course. He lives across that big lake, Lachrymose.

MORTICIA
Lachrymose... what a lovely name.

GOMEZ
Itt doesn't like traveling along that lake anymore. He had a rather unpleasant encounter with the leeches. We'd have to go get the kids ourselves, and take a ferry to get there. Do you think being presumed dead would prevent us from getting ferry tickets?

MORTICIA
I hope not. If this works out, it might be nice. Traveling across a leech-infested lake with a depressing name... doesn't that sound romantic?

GOMEZ
Absolutely. Although, it may take some time to get there, and I don't want to leave the Baudelaires home alone for too long. Should we take them with us?

MORTICIA
...Probably. Well, that should be interesting. I'm excited for the kids to get to know each other. I just can't wait for them to be back home so I know they're -

INT. LIBRARY - EVENING

The kids are still looking through the album, but look up when they hear the front door open.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
Safe!

Wednesday haphazardly tosses the album into the safe. The kids get up. Pugsley drags the bookshelf back over the safe, and he and Wednesday each grab a random book, sit down, and pretend to read. Cousin Itt enters the room with two bags full of limes.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
I found something very interesting at the town market!

WEDNESDAY
Limes?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
I found two very interesting things at the town market. One, yes, a lot of limes at a reasonable price - that I didn't pay. The other is something better.

Itt pulls up a chair and sits in front of the kids.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
I met someone at the town market, and we're going to go out for fried egg sandwiches later.

PUGSLEY
Like... a date?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
No! Let me explain - after I introduce him to you.

WEDNESDAY
He's here?

PUGSLEY
He's a he?

PUBERT
Hehe.

COUSIN ITT
Captain!

The kids look out the door. A man with a peg leg and an eye patch comes hobbling in.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Hello, children! My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea.

WEDNESDAY
Oh no. I think I'm going to be sick.

CAPTAIN SHAM
No need to be seasick, little girl. We aren't on the sea, just near it.

PUGSLEY
No we aren't. We're near a lake.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Well... it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

WEDNESDAY
We've already made your acquaintance, or, more accurately, your enemy... tance. What I'm saying is we've met you. You're Count Olaf.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Count Olaf? No, it can't be!

WEDNESDAY
We'll prove it. Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle.

The camera pans down to show Captain Sham's peg leg.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Sham's left ankle was devoured by leeches. That was how we met, actually.

CAPTAIN SHAM
I remember it as if it was yesterday.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Although, it was only a few hours ago!

There's a time card that says "A few hours ago..."

EXT. TOWN MARKET - AFTERNOON

Cousin Itt is walking through the market.

WOMAN SELLING THINGS
Very fresh dill! Very fresh dill!

Several of Olaf's henchpeople come on screen.

HOOK-HANDED MAN
Have you heard that Captain Sham is in town?

WHITE FACED WOMAN 1
What a wonderful and handsome fellow that Captain Sham is.

MAN SELLING THINGS 1
Fish heads! Fish heads! Roly-poly fish heads!

WHITE FACED WOMAN 2
Speaking of handsome, have you heard about Captain Sham?

HENCHPERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER
Are you talking about Captain Sham?

MAN SELLING THINGS 2
Limes. Just a whole lot of limes.

COUSIN ITT
Limes!

The man selling limes screams and runs away at the sight of Itt. Captain Sham takes the man's place.

CAPTAIN SHAM
I hear you like limes.

COUSIN ITT
Yes!

CAPTAIN SHAM
I also see you have hair.

COUSIN ITT
Yes.

CAPTAIN SHAM
What's your name?

COUSIN ITT
Itt. You?

CAPTAIN SHAM
Sham. Captain Sham.

HOOK-HANDED MAN
The brave Captain Sham?

WHITE FACED WOMAN 1
The famous Captain Sham?

WHITE FACED WOMAN 2
The Captain Sham?

HENCHPERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER
Who isn't in disguise?

CAPTAIN SHAM
Yes. My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea.

COUSIN ITT
Lake. Large lake.

CAPTAIN SHAM
That's what I said. Anywho, I thought you might be looking for a hairdresser. Business has been so slow for me since I lost my right -

HOOK-HANDED MAN
Left.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Left leg.

COUSIN ITT
How?

CAPTAIN SHAM
No one could possibly understand... I was sitting on my boat, eating some pasta puttanesca, when I spilled some on my leg!

WHITE FACED WOMAN 1
And a very handsome leg it was.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Before I knew it, the leeches were attacking me! I tried to fight them off as best I could, but my right leg... was not strong enough to rescue my left leg. It's terrible. And no one can understand.

COUSIN ITT
I do. Hair... leeches...

CAPTAIN SHAM
My God! Your hair was eaten by leeches just last year, which inspired you to reinvent yourself by learning a new language? Finally, someone who understands my terrible predicament! This must mean that you care more about keeping your hair where and how it is than ever before!

COUSIN ITT
Yes!

CAPTAIN SHAM
It's a good thing that I'm a hairdresser in the time I spend away from the sea. Lake. Water. Here's my business card.

Captain Sham hands Itt a business card. It reads "Captain Sham's Sailboats: Every boat has it's own sail." "Sailboat," "boat," and "sail" are crossed out, and "hairdresser," "person," and "hair" are written above them.

COUSIN ITT
Business card.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Yes. That is what I gave you. I forgot to put business hours on the card, I'll have to tell you them later. Would you like to go out for a fried egg sandwich?

HENCHPERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER
Like a date?

CAPTAIN SHAM
No! Like a... no. Not that. It's just so we can discuss business hours.

Itt nods.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Great!

INT. LIBRARY - EVENING

Itt and Sham are still standing by the door, as they were when they started telling the story.

PUGSLEY
You can't be serious.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Of course, I am. You should be able to tell that I need a good hairdresser. Now, let's go, Captain Sham.

CAPTAIN SHAM
What?

COUSIN ITT
Go... to egg.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Oh. Let's go.

Itt and Sham leave the room. The kids just stand there, stunned.

INT. BEDROOM - EVENING

Wednesday and Pubert are sitting on one bed, and Pugsley is on the other.

PUGSLEY
What should we do?

WEDNESDAY
I don't know.

PUGSLEY
I can't believe he's back.

WEDNESDAY
Me neither.

PUGSLEY
I can't believe Itt trusts him.

WEDNESDAY
Me neither. We have to do something about this.

PUGSLEY
They're already gone, and we don't know what restaurant they went to. There's not much we can do, is there?

The sound of glass shattering is heard.

WEDNESDAY
What was that?

Wednesday quickly picks up Pubert before all three kids leave the room to investigate.

INT. LIBRARY - EVENING

The kids are shocked when they enter the room. There's an Itt shaped hole in the window, and books are scattered around the room. Wednesday goes over to the window and stares down at the at least 50 foot drop. Lightning strikes the lake, illuminating Wednesday's face, which could be described as blank if not for her wide, wide eyes.

LEMONY
(voiceover)
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one.

EXT. CLIFF - SUNSET

Lemony is sitting atop the cliff. Everything is quiet and still, only his voice breaking the silence. The camera starts off far away, slowly zooming in on him as he speaks.

LEMONY
We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things. The Addams children, who were fascinated by death, almost never felt this. But as they stared into the murky depths of Lake Lachrymose, they felt this dark surprise for the very first time. Death finally had an impact, because for the first time, the children asked themselves one simple question regarding it:

INT. LIBRARY - EVENING

Pugsley is looking at the books on the ground, paying no attention to the window.

PUGSLEY
...Why?

Chapter Text

INT. LIBRARY - EVENING

Wednesday looks back at Pugsley, who's looking at the books on the ground.

WEDNESDAY
Do you think he... jumped?

Pugsley absentmindedly nods, not looking at Wednesday.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley, what are you doing? Do you not realize what's happened?

Wednesday comes over to Pugsley.

PUGSLEY
There's something weird about these books. I know chaos, and this isn't it.

WEDNESDAY
Cousin Itt just broke a window to jump a hundred feet into a lake right before a hurricane, and all you're worried about is books?

PUGSLEY
You act like that's not something he'd do. He's an Addams. It's in our blood to do dangerous things for no good reason.

WEDNESDAY
What I'm saying is he might be dead!

PUGSLEY
What part of "he's an Addams" don't you understand?

Wednesday sighs and crosses her arms.

WEDNESDAY
All I wanted to know was why you were looking at those books.

PUGSLEY
Okay. Well, I already told you why I was looking at the books. They're not arranged right to have just fallen off the shelves.

Wednesday suddenly realizes something.

WEDNESDAY
Do you think Count Olaf pushed Itt out the window? No, it can't be. I didn't hear him come in.

PUGSLEY
We couldn't hear Itt come back home, so maybe Olaf is here too.

WEDNESDAY
Believe me, even if you hadn't heard Olaf come in, I would have. I can believe Itt coming in without us noticing. He walks quietly. But Olaf's newest disguise has a peg leg, and the sound of it was driving me insane.

PUGSLEY
You notice how loud people walk?

WEDNESDAY
Of course, I do. Same with chewing, breathing, and once I was so tired I could hear people blink. It's my eternal curse.

PUGSLEY
How come you get a curse and not me?

WEDNESDAY
Because, Pugsley, I myself am a curse upon the world, and the world wants to curse me back. Now, we should let someone know about what's happened - like our parents.

PUGSLEY
I thought we established that I don't remember the home phone's number. Besides, there are other people we can call.

WEDNESDAY
Ew. You mean the police?

PUGSLEY
No, of course not. I mean Mr. Poe. He gave us his business card, and that has his number on it. He said we could rely on him if we needed anything.

WEDNESDAY
He hasn't been very reliable so far.

PUGSLEY
He's our only option right now.

Wednesday sighs.

WEDNESDAY
Fine.

INT. ENTRANCE - EVENING

Pugsley sets down the phone.

PUGSLEY
Mr. Poe says we can always rely on Mulctuary Money Management.

WEDNESDAY
That's it? We ask him for help, and he tells us we can ask him for help?

PUGSLEY
Apparently.

WEDNESDAY
What are we supposed to do now? Just sit here and wait for the storm? Ooh, or we could jump out the window, and get devoured by leeches! Anything would be better than this!

PUGSLEY
Maybe we should get some sleep. That could help us all... I don't know, process the situation, or something? Is that what people normally do when mourning the loss of a loved one?

WEDNESDAY
Okay.

Wednesday follows Pugsley to their room.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

Time fades from night to day. The kids come back into the room. Mr. Poe is following them.

PUGSLEY
I'm glad you could take time out of your busy schedule to come over here.

WEDNESDAY
Being nice to him isn't going to give him more brain cells, Pugsley.

Pugsley elbows Wednesday.

MR. POE
Once you had clarified that "what should we do if our guardian jumped out a window, never to be seen again?" was a call for help and not just a hypothetical situation you were wondering about, I knew I had to come.

WEDNESDAY
So? What should we do if our guardian has jumped out a window, never to be seen again?
MR. POE
We'd need to find you a new guardian, of course. Your Cousin Itt seemed to be very fond of this Captain Sham you keep mentioning.

PUGSLEY
You mean the Captain Sham that we've been trying to convince you is Count Olaf in disguise? The Captain Sham that we haven't mentioned nearly anything about, other than that?

MR. POE
You did say the two went on a date to get fried egg sandwiches.

PUGSLEY
It wasn't a date. Count Olaf was tricking him into... something. We don't know what yet.

MR. POE
Children, I'm worried about you. Remember how you were convinced that your aunt's plant sitter, Stephano, was Count Olaf in disguise? This is getting out of hand.

WEDNESDAY
But Stephano really was Count Olaf.

MR. POE
That's besides the point.

PUGSLEY
Then what is your point?

MR. POE
I'm going to be putting you in the care of Captain Sham.

The kids are completely silent for a second or two.

PUGSLEY
Do... do you have to?

MR. POE
Well, it is the easiest thing to do.

WEDNESDAY
Easiest? Easiest? You're sending us with someone we barely know, someone our parents don't know at all, just because it's EASY?

MR. POE
Don't you mean someone your parents didn't know at all?

Wednesday growls and clenches her fists. Pugsley puts an arm out in front of her.

PUGSLEY
Mr. Poe, are you absolutely positive that there's no one else to take care of us? Maybe our next closest relative?

MR. POE
No need to worry, Pubert. We'll discuss this with the captain over brunch.

WEDNESDAY
(furious)
BRUNCH?

Pugsley's arm goes stiff trying to hold Wednesday back.

PUGSLEY
(nervously)
Sounds great!
(to Wednesday)
Restaurants have knives. We could...

Pugsley drags his finger along his neck.

WEDNESDAY
Kill ourselves? Sounds good.

PUGSLEY
No. Kill hi- never mind.

INT. THE ANXIOUS CLOWN - DAY

A very anxious looking man dressed as a clown is taking orders. The Addams kids, Mr. Poe, and Captain Sham are sitting at the table. Wednesday looks like she wants to kill someone and Pugsley looks almost as anxious as the waiter.

LARRY YOUR WAITER
Uh, hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to the Anxious Clown restaurant, where everybody has a good time whether they like it or not. I can see we have a whole family lunching together today, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer. It's a bunch of things fried up together and served with sauce.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Well, that sounds wonderful!

PUGSLEY
I'll just have a glass of water. Thank you.

WEDNESDAY
Same for me. And a glass of ice cubes for my baby brother, please. He likes to watch them melt.

MR. POE
I'll have a cup of coffee with non-dairy creamer, please.

LARRY YOUR WAITER
Alright, then! I'll be right back with your order.

Larry leaves.

MR. POE
(to Sham)
I want to emphasize straight away that the Addams fortune will still be under my supervision until Pubert -

PUGSLEY
Pugsley.

MR. POE
Wednesday comes of age.

CAPTAIN SHAM
What fortune? I don't know about any fortune.

MR. POE
The Addams parents left behind an enormous fortune that the children will inherit when Thursday -

WEDNESDAY
You literally could not be any more wrong.

MR. POE
comes of age.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Oh. I have no interest in a fortune. I've got my sailboats. I mean hairdressing business.

PUBERT
O!

WEDNESDAY
Pubert's right. Surely you can see that this man is clearly -

Larry comes back with a tray of drinks.

LARRY YOUR WAITER
Beverages!

Larry passes each drink to the person who ordered it before leaving again. Wednesday growls in frustration.

MR. POE
I've completely forgotten what I was saying. Don't you just hate that?

PUGSLEY
We were saying that that's Count Olaf.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Who? The waiter? He did seem odd.

WEDNESDAY
No! Not the waiter! You! You've done something terrible to Cousin Itt and you're scheming to get our fortune!

MR. POE
Why would Captain Sham do something terrible to his most loyal customer?

PUGSLEY
He's not a hairdresser, and he's not Captain Sham! He's Count Olaf!

MR. POE
Children. I've been more than patient with you. I understand that losing your parents and your home has had an emotional effect. I've done the best I can to find a suitable home for you, but nothing I do seems to be good enough. But, if you insist, I will prove to you that Captain Sham and Count Olaf are two completely different people, step by step, as if you were babies.

PUBERT
Die.

PUGSLEY
Aww! His first threat!

MR. POE
First of all, Count Olaf has one long eyebrow, while Captain Sham has one eyepatch. Second of all, Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle, while Captain Sham's left ankle is - hey, have you noticed the moon is still out? It's so funny when that happens during the day.

WEDNESDAY
What phase?

MR. POE
What do you mean?

WEDNESDAY
What phase is the moon at? You know, crescent, half, full, et cetera.

MR. POE
It's almost obscured by that group of clouds over there, but I'd say close to full.

WEDNESDAY
Oh, thank goodness - it's only close to full.

Pugsley looks back out the window behind him.

PUGSLEY
It's full.

Wednesday's eyes go wide. She sits very, very still.

PUGSLEY
(whispering)
Wait, Wednesday, I have an idea.

WEDNESDAY
What?

PUGSLEY
(whispering)
Just follow along.
(normal volume)
Huh! That is really cool! Wednesday, you should see the moon right now.

WEDNESDAY
What are you trying to do?

PUGSLEY
Just look at the moon.

WEDNESDAY
But -

PUGSLEY
Do it.

Wednesday reluctantly turns around. Sitting right in the middle of a football-shaped hole in the clouds is the full moon, like the pupil of an eye. Wednesday blinks, and when her eyes open, they're yellow with slits for pupils. She turns back around to face Mr. Poe and Captain Sham.

WEDNESDAY
Wow. That sure was... the moon.

Wednesday smiles unconvincingly. She has fangs.

PUGSLEY
I know right? Wait a minute, there's something weird with your eyes.

WEDNESDAY
I'm really starting to doubt this plan of yours.

PUGSLEY
Do you think it's an infection? I think it's an infection. Hey, that sounds like the perfect excuse to leave the restaurant! I mean - Mr. Poe, can we please go back to the house? I think there's something wrong with -

Wednesday involuntarily howls. Quickly, she covers her mouth with her hands.

PUBERT
Wolf!

PUGSLEY
My sister's a werewolf. Can we leave?

MR. POE
Oh, my goodness! Of course! I'm allergic to dogs, and I wouldn't want to -

Mr. Poe sneezes, setting off a chain reaction of coughing.

PUGSLEY
Ok, thank you, bye!

Pugsley takes Pubert out of his seat and the kids leave the restaurant.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

The kids come into the room. There's a wolf snout peeking out from under the hood of Wednesday's coat, which is covering the rest of her face.

WEDNESDAY
You have no idea how much rage I am feeling towards you right now.

PUGSLEY
My plan got us out of the brunch, didn't it?

WEDNESDAY
Did you need to do it by publicly humiliating me?

PUGSLEY
We were the only ones in there, other than the waiter. It could have been worse.

WEDNESDAY
I don't think it was worth it. I mean, they're still working out the paperwork for adopting us. We changed nothing.

PUGSLEY
You're right. Just leaving didn't change anything. But you know what I bet will? Figuring out what the deal is with all these books.

Pugsley passes Pubert to Wednesday, who puts him on a chair.

WEDNESDAY
That's it? We just came here to look at the books?

PUGSLEY
Yep! So... there are eleven books here. That's a little excessive for being blown off the shelves by the wind, don't you think?

WEDNESDAY
Not before a hurricane.

PUGSLEY
Here's the thing: you've heard the phrase "calm before the storm," right?

Wednesday looks out the window at the now dark sky.

WEDNESDAY
Yes, but that's not meant to be taken literally, is it?

PUGSLEY
In this case, it was. There was one strike of lightning earlier, but other than that, the only sign of a storm was the clouds. Someone took these off the shelf and placed them here. And if they did, there must have been a reason.

WEDNESDAY
And what would that be?

PUGSLEY
Well, I said before that the books are arranged weird. They're in a pretty straight line, like we're supposed to look at them in a certain order. I think it's some kind of secret message.

WEDNESDAY
That's a lot of conclusions to jump to in such a short amount of time.

PUGSLEY
The first one is a book on corvids - like crows and ravens and stuff. The next book is called Unbearable Events by Melanie Sneaker. Then there's a rhyming dictionary, and a regular dictionary right after that. A book on lizards and snakes... EGGS - An Autobiography, whatever that means - Don't Trust Anyone and its sequel, Can't Trust Anyone, an atlas, a book on venomous creatures, and something called End of the World. If we're going by my secret message theory, we can't just put all the titles together, because I doubt whoever's trying to tell us something wants to tell us "Lizards and snakes eggs an autobio-"

WEDNESDAY
I get it. That's not the answer.

PUGSLEY
Right. So it must be less obvious than that. Maybe if we take the first letter of each title... Corvids is spelled with a C, meaning the first letter would be C. Then there's Unbearable with a U -

WEDNESDAY
You're being unbearable with a u.

PUGSLEY
Well, you're being awful with an a.

WEDNESDAY
Well, you're being stupid with an -

Pugsley gasps.

PUGSLEY
Curdled Cave!

WEDNESDAY
What?

PUGSLEY
The message - it says Curdled Cave!

WEDNESDAY
C, U, R... you're right. But what does that mean?

PUGSLEY
It sounds like a place. This is gonna sound crazy, but what if... what if Cousin Itt is still alive, but wants people to think he's dead? And what if these books were telling us where he's hiding?

WEDNESDAY
That's a bit of a stretch.

PUGSLEY
Let's see if it's anywhere nearby.

Pugsley pulls down a map on the wall.

PUGSLEY
It is! We should go there and see if Itt's there. I bet we could take the ferry that we took here.

Lightning strikes the house, damaging some of the supports beneath the library. Wind blows and the room tilts, causing things to shift and fall towards the hole in the window - including the kids. Wednesday grabs ahold of the map, but Pugsley is knocked over and starts sliding towards the window on a rug. He manages to stop himself at the windowsill, just barely. The safe flies open, photos flying out of the album. Pubert's chair slams against the wall. The map Wednesday's holding onto starts to rip. Just before the map tears in half, the wind blows the room back to where it was before. Wednesday lets go of it and grabs Pubert, running out of the room with him. Pugsley tries to get to the door, but the room tilts again, and he's tossed backwards through the air. He puts his hands out just in time to come face to face with the hole in the window. A tiny piece of glass is holding up a photograph with lots of people in it, including Gomez and Itt. Pugsley takes the photo and stuffs it into his pocket. Then, the room breaks off the house, barely holding on like a loose tooth. Pugsley flips backward through the window, but the rug catches on the broken glass, and Pugsley holds on for dear life. One final gust of wind knocks the room back into the house, sending Pugsley back into the room. He scrambles to get to the door. All three kids are wide-eyed and breathing hard. Then they start laughing.

WEDNESDAY
We're alive!

PUGSLEY
That was so cool!

The house creaks. The walls of the library begin to break apart. The entire room falls into the lake. The kids stop laughing and start running. They escape the crumbling house just in time for the entire thing to go plummeting into the ocean. Thunder is heard, and then it starts to rain.

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

Lemony is standing in front of the same map of Lachrymose from before, with the same stickers on it from before.

LEMONY
During tourist season, the Fickle Ferry brings visitors from all over the world to enjoy sunshine,

Lemony throws a sun sticker onto the map.

LEMONY
Fresh air,

Lemony throws a happy cloud sticker onto the map.

LEMONY
And smoked mackerel.

Lemony throws a fish sticker onto the map.

LEMONY
The ferry leaves every 17 minutes to the Lavender Lighthouse, where tourists can walk to Curdled Cave, or they could bask in the lighthouse's pale purple glow. But that's only when the weather is warm. During the off-season, Lake Lachrymose has very few visitors, which is why the ferry company has added two words to the bottom of their schedule in fine print, a phrase which here means "you might miss reading it until it was too late."

EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - DAY

There's a close up on a brochure that Wednesday is holding.

PUGSLEY
Weather permitting.

WEDNESDAY
So the ferry isn't running?

PUGSLEY
Says who?

WEDNESDAY
Does this weather seem like it would permit anything except destroyed houses and crushed souls?

PUGSLEY
Exactly! It's wonderful out here!

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley, you need to understand that not everyone feels that way. In fact, most people don't. And because of that, we're never going to get to Curdled Cave, and we're either going to die out here, or worse: be raised by Captain Sham!

Wednesday throws the brochure onto the ground.

PUGSLEY
Or...

There's a building with the words "BOAT RENTALS" written on the front. It's crossed out, with "HAIRDRESSER" written above it, but there are still some sailboats outside.

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

Lemony is once again standing in front of the map.

LEMONY
There is also fine print attached to this sad tale. A number of concerned people are worried that if you watch the Addams children steal a sailboat and sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of Hurricane Herman,

EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - DAY

The kids are walking towards the sailboat rental place.

WEDNESDAY
So, let me get this straight. We're going to steal a sailboat, and sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of Hurricane Herman?

PUGSLEY
Yes.

WEDNESDAY
Sounds fun.

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

Lemony. The map. Again.

LEMONY
you might be tempted to do such a thing yourself.

EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - DAY

Wednesday takes three raincoats off the side of the building.

WEDNESDAY
We're stealing these, too!

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

Guess who's standing in front of what?

LEMONY
So allow me to offer you a piece of advice, even though I don't know anything about you. Do not steal a sailboat.

EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - DAY

Pugsley sets Pubert down in one of the boats. The older kids sit in the boat, and Pugsley pushes it away from the dock.

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

Why do I even keep typing here? To maintain proper format? I don't know. I have no clue what I'm doing.

LEMONY
Do not attempt to sail the sailboat in the middle of a hurricane,

INT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - DAY

The boat is now in the middle of the lake, being tossed around by giant waves. One wave almost completely consumes the boat.

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

OOO OO EE EE WRITING FUN

LEMONY
Especially if, like the Addamses, you had only a vague idea of how a sailboat works.

INT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - DAY

The boat is still getting tossed around by waves.

WEDNESDAY
All you need to do is catch the wind in the sail, right?

PUGSLEY
How am I supposed to do that when the wind is going everywhere?

WEDNESDAY
It's not! It just feels like it is! ...I think this lever here steers the ship!

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

There's a closeup on the map as a sticker that says "CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: ZERO" is thrown onto it.

LEMONY
It's a good idea to go by this rule of thumb, a phrase which here means "general rule" and has nothing to do with the finger that is arguably not a finger: don't do anything the Addams children do. Ever. This activity in particular offers a plethora of challenges. Plethora is a word which here means "too many to list," but I will try. Your boat might be tossed into the Wicked Whirlpool…

INT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - DAY

The boat swerves.

WEDNESDAY
Mind the whirlpool!

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

Sad Dad is standing in front of his lovely work of art that we like to call "map with stickers."

LEMONY
Or dashed to bits on the Rancorous Rocks.

INT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - DAY

The boat swerves in the other direction.

PUGSLEY
Do those rocks look fatally harmful to you?

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

LEMON AND SNICKERS WHAT A YUMMY DESSERT. JOKE'S ON YOU IT'S A MAN NOT A DESSERT

LEMONY
Even if you manage to spot the pale purple light of the lavender lighthouse,

INT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - DAY

A purple light shines over Pubert's face.

PUGSLEY
It's the lavender lighthouse! We're close!

INT. NEWS PLACE IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED - DAY

:) :( ;0 ????????

LEMONY
It would be an outright miracle if your boat were not destroyed at the craggy entrance of Curdled Cave. Fortunately, the Addams children were about to learn what any local weather person can tell you: all storms eventually break.

INT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - NIGHT

The kids get off the boat next to a "FOR SALE" sign on the cave.

PUGSLEY
Is the hurricane over?

WEDNESDAY
I think so.

Ghostly moans come from the cave. Wednesday automatically howls back.

PUGSLEY
Ooh, it's haunted!

The kids go into the cave.

INT. CURDLED CAVE - NIGHT

The moaning continues. The kids follow the sound of it, and find Cousin Itt curled up on the ground. Pugsley goes over and taps his shoulder. Itt screams.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Oh, it's you! You figured it out! I knew you would decode my message! I'm so glad to see you three! Did you bring any food? I'm all out.

WEDNESDAY
Food? Why would we bring food?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
No food? How did you expect to live with me in this cave without food?

WEDNESDAY
We didn't come here to live with you.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Then why did you come here?

PUGSLEY
Because Captain Sham tried to adopt us, and everyone thinks you're dead!

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
He forced me to jump out that window. Halfway through our fried egg sandwiches, he told me he was Count Olaf. He said I had to write out a will saying you would be left in his care, or he would drown me in the lake. Turns out I don't know how to write. I was worried he would kill me for that, I decided to fake my own death to avoid it.

PUGSLEY
So you just left us alone? Why?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
I left you with that message, didn't I? Well, all that matters now is that we're safe inside this cave, and Captain Sham will never find us here.

WEDNESDAY
We're not living here. We're going to sail back to town, and we're taking you with us, and you're going to take us back to our parents.

COUSIN ITT
No!

Wednesday sighs.

WEDNESDAY
You know, Cousin Itt, this cave is for sale. Before long, certain people are going to want to look at it. And some of those people...

Wednesday comes over to Itt.

WEDNESDAY
(whispering)
will be real estate agents.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Ok. Let's go.

INT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - NIGHT

The kids and Cousin Itt are sailing back home.

COUSIN ITT
Uh oh.

PUGSLEY
What's wrong?

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
We're entering the territory of the Lachrymose Leeches.

PUGSLEY
I'm sure we'll be fine. You said they're usually harmless, unless you've eaten recently. Last time we ate was this morning, at brunch.

WEDNESDAY
And we didn't even eat anything then. ...You didn't eat anything recently, did you, Cousin Itt?

COUSIN ITT
Banana.

Wednesday and Pugsley look at each other worriedly.

PUGSLEY
Uhh... we'll be fine. Perfectly fine. It's not like they can get in the boat or anything, is it?

Pugsley looks at the water. A giant black mass is rapidly approaching them. It's a swarm of leeches. The swarm crashes into the boat, but turns back quickly.

PUGSLEY
See? We're fine.

The leeches come back and ram into the boat again. Some poke holes in the boat and squirm in through those. Itt screams. Pugsley finds an oar on the bottom of the boat and tries to paddle with that. They get almost nowhere. More and more leeches are getting into the boat, and now water is starting to trickle in. Pugsley takes the oar out of the water. Most of it has been eaten by the leeches.

PUGSLEY
Well, we've had a nice run. Six episodes? Not too shabby, for having been written by one person in like, two months.

WEDNESDAY
This can't be the end! We need to get back to our parents! There needs to be some way out of this!

Wednesday frantically looks around for some solution to their problem. When she looks up, the moon catches her eye. She howls.

PUGSLEY
Great idea! Maybe someone will hear you and come to our rescue!

WEDNESDAY
I didn't do that on purpose, but okay!

She howls again. The boat shakes and drops a couple inches deeper into the water.

WEDNESDAY
I don't think my voice alone will be enough to get someone's attention.

PUGSLEY
I have an idea.

Pugsley lifts Pubert into the air like Simba.

PUGSLEY
Pubert, fire!

Pubert looks up and breathes fire into the sky. Wednesday keeps howling. The boat shakes, Itt screams some more, and leeches are jumping up everywhere around the boat. Then, a ferry approaches the sailboat.

PUGSLEY
Look! Another boat!

The ferry is now right next to the boat. Itt goes up the stairs on the side, and the kids follow him. Halfway up, the kids watch the sailboat sink into the water. Itt goes over to someone else on the ferry, whose back is turned.

COUSIN ITT
Thank-

The person turns around, revealing himself to be none other than Captain Sham. The hook handed man sneaks up on the kids and puts a hook on each of their shoulders.

WEDNESDAY
I thought we'd escaped you!

OLAF
On the contrary. Mr. Poe is putting the finishing touches on your adoption papers this very moment. In a few hours, you will be Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert Sham.

WEDNESDAY AND PUBERT
No!

PUGSLEY
We'll prove to him that you're really Count Olaf, once and for all! And if we don't, we'll find some other way to deal with you.

Pugsley cracks his knuckles. Wednesday growls, baring her teeth.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Don't worry, kids. I'll deal with him.

Itt marches over to Sham.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Captain Sham, you are a monster.

WEDNESDAY
I find that offensive.

COUSIN ITT
(captions)
Ever since these children's parents were killed, they have been so fierce and formidable, again and again escaping from your clutches. And you know what? It's my turn to face you, Count Olaf. I have had enough of your schemes! I have had enough of your plots! I have had enough of your greed and betrayal! Listen to me, Olaf, you villain, you wretch, you vastly untalented actor! I am going to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago: stay away from me and my family!

There's an awkward pause.

OLAF
What did he say?

HOOK-HANDED MAN
I dunno, boss.

OLAF
...Throw him to the leeches.

The two white-faced women come at Itt from both sides, lift him up, and toss him into the lake. Itt screams. Leeches swarm around where Itt fell.

OLAF
Take the boat to Damocles Dock. Our work here is done.

EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK - DAY

Mr. Poe is standing at the dock. The ferry shows up, and Captain Sham gets off. The kids, however, stay where they are. (By the way, Wednesday has returned to her usual self.)

CAPTAIN SHAM
Everybody off!

Wednesday looks back. Pugsley keeps his eyes ahead.

WEDNESDAY
What are you looking at?

We see what Pugsley is looking at. It's Lucky Smells Lumber Mill, in the distance. Pugsley takes the photo out of his pocket and shows it to Wednesday.

WEDNESDAY
Is that from the safe?

PUGSLEY
I think so. Maybe, since Dad's been there, he could find us there.

The hook-handed man comes back over to the kids.

HOOK-HANDED MAN
Come on! We don't have all day.

The kids get off the boat and go over to Mr. Poe.

MR. POE
What am I supposed to do with you? You said you were going to go back to the house, but instead you steal a sailboat and push Itt's house down a hill? I missed the pre-hurricane discount tickets and had to spend the night in a bed and breakfast that uses powdered eggs!

Mr. Poe goes into a coughing fit.

MR. POE
I wouldn't be surprised if Captain Sham was no longer interested in serving as your guardian, even though I filled out these forms in triplicate while he boated around Lake Lachrymose looking for you on a hunch.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Well, I'll admit the children's behavior did make me have second thoughts. But then I also had third thoughts, which are how empty my wallet and heart are. I truly think that the Addamses can be an enormous, enormous fortune in my life. And so... as I used to say to my dearest friend, the late Itt what's-his-name,

WEDNESDAY
(whispering)
How did he know Itt's last name?

CAPTAIN SHAM
Get in the car.

PUGSLEY
We're not going anywhere with you. I know you won't believe us, Mr. Poe, but Captain Sham is Count Olaf, and there is nothing you can say to convince us otherwise!

MR. POE
How can I believe such wild accusations from a single child?

WEDNESDAY
You don't have to believe a single child. You can believe all three of us.

CAPTAIN SHAM
Well, the baby doesn't really count...

Wednesday sets Pubert onto the ground. Pubert crawls over to Sham's peg leg and burns it to ashes. Olaf's normal leg comes out. He's not wearing a shoe on that foot, and his tattoo is clearly visible. Wednesday picks Pubert back up.

CAPTAIN SHAM
My leg! My leg has... grown back! It's amazing! It's a medical miracle!

MR. POE
Oh, come now. Even a child can see that peg leg was false.

WEDNESDAY
A child did see that the peg leg was false.

PUGSLEY
See? He tried to hide the tattoo with his peg leg.

A truck with the Lucky Smells logo pulls up to one of the buildings in the background. Wednesday and Pugsley look from the truck to each other, then nod. Mr. Poe and Captain Sham continue their argument while the kids run off and get in the back of the truck. The truck drives away. Finally, Mr. Poe notices that the kids are gone.

MR. POE
Addamses? Where did you go?

Count Olaf and his troupe get into their car, which was parked just offscreen, and drive away.

MR. POE
Oh, well. I'll find them later. Right now, I'll deal with you, Count Olaf - Count Olaf? Count Olaf!

INT. TRUCK - DAY

The kids are sitting in the back of the truck.

PUGSLEY
I can't wait to tell our parents we survived a hurricane.

WEDNESDAY
Yeah. We have so much to tell them... and ask them, about those pictures in Cousin Itt's house.

PUGSLEY
I just hope I was right, about them finding us here...

WEDNESDAY
You were right about Cousin Itt's secret message. I'm sure you're right about this.

The truck drives further and further away, until it's small on the screen.

Chapter Text

EXT. TRUCK - DAY

The kids are still in the back of the truck, which is driving through the woods.

PUGSLEY
I hope Mr. Poe isn't too worried about us.

WEDNESDAY
I hope he is. The more miserable he is, the happier I am.

PUGSLEY
No, I'm hoping he's not worried because if he is, he'll look for us, and cause more problems.

WEDNESDAY
Oh. Good point.

LEMONY
(voiceover)
If you like watching stories in which children enjoy pleasant rides in truck beds on their way to colorful destinations...

The TRUCK DRIVER looks back and sees the kids. The kids duck out of sight.

TRUCK DRIVER
What the gum?

The truck comes to a stop.

TRUCK DRIVER
Get a job, hitchhikers!

The kids get out. The truck drives away to reveal that Lemony was standing behind it.

LEMONY
that story is streaming elsewhere.

PUGSLEY
What now?

Wednesday sighs.

WEDNESDAY
We walk.

INT. WOODS - DAY

The kids walk through the woods.

WEDNESDAY
Looks like we're almost out of the woods.

Lemony walks onscreen.

LEMONY
"Out of the woods" is an expression referring to the fact that woods are dangerous places to be.

Lemony walks through the woods. He walks past a gingerbread house sitting on a stump.

LEMONY
In Hansel and Gretel, two siblings enter the woods and are menaced by an elderly cannibal.
He walks past a wolf and a girl in a red hood that are standing so still that you wonder if they're really there or not.

LEMONY
In Little Red Riding Hood, a wolf enters a forest and is menaced by a rude little girl.

Lemony walks past a man reading a book.

LEMONY
In Walden, a poet enters the woods and is menaced by revelations that we should abandon civilization and live by a pond. It is for that reason that "out of the woods" has come to mean "a return to safety, away from menace and disturbing revelations." I'm sorry to say that while Wednesday was right in that the Addams children were almost out of the forest…

EXT. PALTRYVILLE - DAY

Pugsley holds the photograph in front of him, and there's a close up on it. He brings the photo down, revealing the ruins of Paltryville, with only Lucky Smells Lumber Mill still standing.

LEMONY
they were far from out of the woods.

The kids continue walking towards the mill.

WEDNESDAY
It looks like there was a fire here. Everything's gone. Well, except for the lumber mill.

PUGSLEY
Maybe I was wrong about our parents finding us here. Do you think Father would want to come back to this place if it's all been destroyed?

WEDNESDAY
It doesn't matter if he'd want to. It matters that he knows this place. He knows we're out there somewhere, and if he's looking for us, he might think to check here.

A giant wooden wall stands between the kids and Lucky Smells Lumber Mill. Wednesday sets Pubert down in a wheelbarrow nearby.

WEDNESDAY
Think of it this way. We don't want to scale this enormous wooden wall, do we?

PUGSLEY
No.

WEDNESDAY
But we have to in order to get to this lumber mill. But wait, do we even really want to go to this lumber mill in the first place?

PUGSLEY
I... I don't know.

WEDNESDAY
Right. But we don't have anywhere else to be, so we have to come here. Just because we don't want to do something doesn't mean we won't. Now, let's figure out a way to get past this wall.

Pubert has gotten out of the wheelbarrow during Wednesday's speech, and now he's pushing open the wall - or, more accurately, door. Pugsley picks Pubert up, and the kids go through the door. Pugsley looks at a "No Trespassers" sign on the door.

PUGSLEY
Hey, wait a minute. Does this make us trespassers?

WEDNESDAY
Of course it does, Pugsley. But we won't get in trouble, because we're children.

PUGSLEY
That doesn't make any sense.

WEDNESDAY
If we get caught, we can say we're on a school trip.

Pugsley looks confused for a second, then shrugs. The kids walk away from the door, which closes behind them.

PUGSLEY
So, what's the plan? We hide out here until our parents find us?

WEDNESDAY
Maybe. I was thinking we could ask for directions to a place to stay, but I don't know if that would do any good considering the lack of buildings in this town.

Pugsley looks over one of the walls. There's a building with a window shaped like Count Olaf's tattoo. Pugsley points to the building.

PUGSLEY
There is one building, but...

WEDNESDAY
Oh no. Maybe we should leave. We cou-

Someone puts a hand on Wednesday's shoulder. She judo flips the stranger. The stranger screams.

CHARLES
Sir! Help! There are three trespassers, and one of them - wait a minute. You're not trespassers. You're just children!

Charles gets up.

PUGSLEY
Yep! Totally. We're here on a school trip. Because we're... schoolchildren.

CHARLES
Well, this lumber mill is hardly a safe place for children. I should know. I run it. I'm Charles. I should show you the other person who runs the place, my partner. Follow me.

Charles starts to walk and the kids follow him.

PUGSLEY
What happened to this place?

CHARLES
Well, it's a sad story. Paltryville used to be booming. We had a world food market, two hot yoga studios, and there was even talk of a water park. The name Paltryville was a misnomer. But then, one day, the whole town burned down in a terrible fire. Luckily, the lumber mill survived, and the orthodontist place with the confusing logo - the building must've belonged to an optometrist before. Oh, look, here we are.

Charles opens the door to a building. The kids go inside.

INT. SIR'S OFFICE - DAY

Charles brings the kids into a room with a man smoking a cigar inside.

CHARLES
Children, I'd like you to meet -

SIR
Call me Sir. Everybody does 'cause I tell 'em to. I'm the boss. They have to do what I say, even my partner here.

PUGSLEY
Doesn't "partner" mean "equal?"

Lemony pops up behind Charles and Sir.

LEMONY
Well, in fact, "partners" can mean several things. It could mean "two people who own a lumber mill together, or a cupcakery." Now, with the advent of more progressive cultural mores, not to mention certain High Court rulings, it could also mean...

SIR
I do all the work. He irons my clothes.

CHARLES
I also cook your omelets!

LEMONY
The definitions are not mutually exclusive.

CHARLES
I found them wandering unsupervised, poor dears. Do you think we could take them in? Give them a loving and normative home?

SIR
I believe you should treat children like grown-ups. Put 'em to work in the mill. It'll teach 'em responsibility.

PUGSLEY
If we work in the mill, do we get to stay here?

WEDNESDAY
Get to?
SIR
This one gets it. In this economy, children are lucky to have a job at all. What's your name, young man?

PUGSLEY
Pugsley Addams.

SIR
...An Addams.

WEDNESDAY
Two d's.

SIR
I know. We have one of those here.

PUGSLEY
Really?

There's a hopeful pause. Sir starts wheezing. Charles pats his back.

SIR
It's these dang cigars. I hate these things, but I can't stop smokin' em', 'cause I'm the boss.

WEDNESDAY
Can you tell us anything about the Addams who works here?

SIR
He's an embarrassment to the business.

The kids wait expectantly for more to Sir's answer.

SIR
Why are you just standing there? Get out! You've got work to do in the morning!

INT. WORKERS' DORM - NIGHT

Lemony puts the needle onto a record on a record player.

LEMONY
That night, in the lumber mill workers' dorm, the Addamses pondered what they'd heard.

The Addams kids are eating a disgusting looking casserole. Other workers are talking just offscreen.

WORKER 1
Did you hear about the new recruits?

WORKER 2
They're Addamses.

WORKER 3
I bet they're just as loony as the one we got here.

WORKER 2
Remember that news story a while back about the kid that burned down that campsite? I think her last name was Addams. Hope it's not her.

WORKER 1
I hear arson runs in the family. Rumor has it it was an Addams who burned down this town.

PUGSLEY
Wednesday, do you hear the things they're saying about us?

WEDNESDAY
I do, and I've never been more flattered.

PUGSLEY
Yeah... do you think they're right about an Addams burning this place down?

FESTER ADDAMS enters the room. He sits down next to the kids.

FESTER
You guys talking about the Addams arson rumor again?

The kids look up at Fester in amazement.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
Uncle Fester?

FESTER
Kids?

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY
Uncle Fester!

The kids give Fester a hug.

FESTER
Kids! I feel like I haven't seen you in...

Fester counts on his fingers.

FESTER
several days!

WEDNESDAY
It's been more than that.

PUGSLEY
How long have you been working here?

FESTER
Oh, I don't know...

Fester counts on his fingers.

FESTER
Several days? I dunno. All I know is that working here is the best thing I've ever done!

WEDNESDAY
That's... great. Uncle Fester, we didn't expect to see you here. Do you think you could take us back home?

FESTER
Home? This is your home! Our home!

A loudspeaker on the wall is shown.

LOUDSPEAKER
Lights out! Two seconds!

In two seconds, the room is pitch black.

FESTER
You're gonna love it here!

INT. ADDAMS HOUSE, DINING ROOM - MORNING

The Addams parents, along with GRANDMA, and the Baudelaires, are eating breakfast. Gomez is reading a newspaper.

MORTICIA
Gomez, have you looked at the front page of that newspaper?

GOMEZ
I never do. I just flip to a random page in the middle and hope I find something interesting.

MORTICIA
Well, it looks like that "something interesting" is on the front page this time.

Gomez closes the paper and sets it down. The Baudelaires lean in to get a better look. There's a picture of the Addams kids with the headline "ADDAMS ORPHANS GONE MISSING."

KLAUS
"Addams Orphans Gone Missing."

MORTICIA
First they've been kidnapped, now they're missing? What's next? Death?

GOMEZ
"Possibly caused by the tragic death of their guardian, Itt Whatshisname -"

Morticia gasps.

MORTICIA
I think I'm going to faint -

GOMEZ
Stay calm, my love! There's more! According to this article, they were last seen in Lachrymose, but the town has been searched, and they're not there. The closest town to Lachrymose is Paltryville. They could be there!

MORTICIA
Isn't that the place Cousin Turncoat set on fire?

GOMEZ
(nervous)
Haha, yeah... Cousin Turncoat.

MORTICIA
All right. If the kids are in Paltryville, they should be easy to find. Now that the weather is "permitting," we'll be able to catch a ferry to Lachrymose and get to Paltryville from there.

SUNNY
(captions)
Road trip?

The Baudelaires smile.

INT. WORKERS' DORM - MORNING

The sound of pots banging together come from the loudspeaker.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Get up, lumber workers! This is your new foreman, Flacutono. You've got a new shipment of logs to turn into flat wooden boards.

WEDNESDAY
What's that horrible noise?

PUGSLEY
Sounds like someone banging metal pots together. I like it.

WEDNESDAY
It's giving me a sensory overload. What a wonderful way to start the day.

The kids, who are now wearing lumber mill uniforms, get out of bed, and so do the rest of the workers. The workers start filing out of the dorm.

FESTER
I'm so glad they replaced that old foreman. The old one was such a pushover.

WEDNESDAY
What happened to the last foreman?

FESTER
He must have quit in the middle of the night. It happens a lot around here. I wonder why.

INT. LUMBER MILL - DAY

The workers enter the mill. It's very gray, and there's huge, dangerous-looking machinery everywhere. Flacutono pokes his head out of a booth. He's wearing a gas mask.

FLACUTONO
Now grab a debarker and start debarking. You too, lumber midgets!

The kids look at each other before going to get debarkers. Many workers are lined up at a machine dispensing debarkers, now including the Addams kids. Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert each get a debarker before going over to an enormous log and shaving the bark off of it.

FLACUTONO
Lunch break, lumber slowpokes!

The workers sit down on benches, covered in sawdust.

PUGSLEY
I don't think I like it here.

WEDNESDAY
It's not that bad if you imagine the debarker is a weapon and the log is one of your sworn enemies.

PUGLSEY
I don't have many sworn enemies. Just people I don't like very much.

WEDNESDAY
Pretend it's one of those.

FLACUTONO
Lunch break! Five minutes!

FESTER
Oh boy! Five whole minutes!

The workers begin to pass around a box full of squares of gum. Fester passes it to the kids.

WEDNESDAY
It's gum. This is gum.

PUGSLEY
Gum isn't lunch. It's not even a snack.

FESTER
Well, it's not very filling, but it's all they'll let you eat until dinner.

PUGSLEY
Are you kidding me? I can't even have gum! I have braces.

Pugsley bares his sharp teeth, which have braces.

WEDNESDAY
Maybe we can use our wages to buy sandwiches.

WORKER 1
Lady, we're not paid in wages. We're paid in coupons.

WORKER 2
I got one for 20% off a shampoo at Ed's Haircut Palace.

WORKER 1
I got a free refill of iced tea.

WORKER 3
I got "buy two banjos, get one free." 'Course I can't buy any banjos 'cause I don't have any money. Just coupons.

WEDNESDAY
That can't be legal.

PUGSLEY
Since when do you care about the law?

WEDNESDAY
Since we're being starved to death by a lumber mill that puts literal children to work!

PUGSLEY
We can always leave. I'm sure Fester would take us home.

All the workers stand up.

ALL WORKERS
Lucky Smells is our life. Lucky Smells is our home.

The kids look at each other with concern.

WEDNESDAY
We need to get out of here as soon as possible.

PUGSLEY
And take Fester with us.

INT. SIR'S OFFICE - DAY

The kids come into the room.

SIR
Trying to get out of log day, are you?

PUGSLEY
We'd like to talk to you about -

WEDNESDAY
You're feeding us gum and paying us in coupons. That's not okay.

SIR
I took a chance on treating you like grown-ups. Don't make me regret it. Now, get back to work!

Charles comes over to the kids.

CHARLES
You see, I've tried to discuss Sir's treatment of the workers. I'm afraid he just won't listen.

PUGSLEY
You're partners. He should let you get your way sometimes. Or you could at least come to a compromise.

CHARLES
I know, but it's complicated. I know Sir can be prickly, but you'll have to understand, he had a very terrible childhood.

Charles starts to close the door on the Addamses.

WEDNESDAY
Oh, I understand. I'm having a very terrible childhood right now.

CHARLES
...Okay.

Charles closes the door.

INT. LUMBER MILL - DAY

The kids sit back down on the benches. Fester holds the gum box out to the kids.

FESTER
There's still a few seconds left in our lunch break. We saved you some gum.

Pugsley sighs and reluctantly takes a piece.

WEDNESDAY
You said you couldn't have gum.

PUGSLEY
If it's the only food we're getting, I'm taking it.

Pugsley chews the gum for about three seconds before his eyes go wide and he smacks his hand to his face.

PUGSLEY
Ow!

WEDNESDAY
What's wrong?

PUGSLEY
I think I broke a bracket. And now one of the wires is stabbing into my cheek.

WEDNESDAY
That's not so bad. You have a very high pain tolerance.

PUGSLEY
Pain tolerance can be different for different parts of the body... ow... and mine's not great for my mouth.

Pugsley puts his finger in his mouth to feel the wire. When he takes his finger out, there's a little bit of red on it.

PUGSLEY
Oh, nice! I'm bleeding!

FESTER
Lucky for you, we've got a great orthodontist in what's left of town.

WEDNESDAY
You mean the one with the eye-shaped window on the front?

FESTER
Yep! Used to be an optometrist, but I guess it went out of business and someone else took over. You're gonna love Doctor Orwell - she treats all the workers here.

PUGSLEY
Everyone here has braces?

FESTER
She's a dentist too. Don't question it. Let's go!

INT. WAITING ROOM

Fester and Pugsley sit down in two of the chairs. There's a box of tissues on a table in the middle of the room. Pugsley takes several tissues and stuffs them in his mouth.

FESTER
You ever seen Little Shop of Horrors?

PUGSLEY
Aunt Ophelia recommended it to me.

FESTER
Well, this place reminds me of that movie.

PUGSLEY
Why?

FESTER
No reason.

GEORGINA ORWELL enters the room.

GEORGINA
Pugsley Addams.

PUGSLEY
You're Dr. Orwell?

GEORGINA
Yes, I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I was on my lunch hour.

Pugsley takes the tissue out of his mouth like a magician taking scarves out of their sleeve. There's a red splotch on the tissue.

GEORGINA
Well... uhh... that's certainly not good, is it?

PUGSLEY
No.

The three stand there awkwardly until Georgina takes Pugsley's hand and leads him out of the room.

GEORGINA
Wave goodbye to your friend.

PUGSLEY
Bye, Uncle Fester.

Fester waves cheerfully.

INT. ROOM WITH THE WINDOW - DAY

Pugsley is in a dentist's chair, surrounded by overly complicated machines not usually seen at the dentist, or the orthodontist.

PUGSLEY
What's with all the stuff?

GEORGINA
Have you never been to an orthodontist before?

PUGSLEY
Of course I have. I have braces.

Georgina suddenly pushes the chair back, so that Pugsley is facing the ceiling. There's a tv screen on the ceiling.

GEORGINA
Then why do you look so nervous?

PUGSLEY
My father always told me to never trust orthodontists.

GEORGINA
Well, sounds like he may have had a bad experience with one.

PUGSLEY
His brother did, actually.

Georgina takes a scary looking dental tool off of a desk and sticks it in Pugsley's mouth.

GEORGINA
Do you know what bedside manner means?

Pugsley tries to talk, but Georgina is holding his mouth open.

GEORGINA
It's when a doctor speaks in a calm and reassuring voice to make sure his patients trust him. And how are we feeling, Pugsley?

PUGSLEY
(mouth open)
Not good.

GEORGINA
Because you broke a bracket.

Georgina places the tool onto the desk.

PUGSLEY
Because of the lumber mill. Everyone thinks it's such a great place, even my uncle, Fester. But it's awful. They only give us gum to eat, and they only give us five minutes to chew it. And they only pay us in coupons...

GEORGINA
That does sound like an awful place.

Georgina straps Pugsley's arms to the chair.

PUGSLEY
This place doesn't seem too bad, though.

Georgina points a remote to the TV on the ceiling to turn it on.

GEORGINA
Tell me, Pugsley, what do you see? An E or an A?

PUGSLEY
Isn't this more of an optometrist thing?

GEORGINA
Well, sometimes you make career choices that you regret later, and have to change when you hear that one of your enemies had a son with braces that you need to h- Pugsley, is that an E or an A?

PUGSLEY
A?

Georgina changes the image on the screen.

GEORGINA
An A or a C?

PUGSLEY
C.

GEORGINA
A sea or a lake?

PUGSLEY
Wait, what?

GEORGINA
A reptile or an amphibian? Fire or accident? A blonde or a bottle blonde? A parent or a villain? Tell me what you see, Pugsley!

There's a close up on Pugsley's eye. A swirl appears in the pupil. Georgina moves the chair back up. Pugsley is now face to face with Olaf, who is disguised as a woman.

OLAF
Yes, Pugsley. Tell us what you see.

INT. WORKERS' DORM - NIGHT

Wednesday is sitting on one of the beds with Pubert on her lap, staring out the window. Fester comes over to her.

FESTER
I'm sure he'll be back soon.

WEDNESDAY
I hope so.

FESTER
Oh, by the way: that's not a window.

Someone in the next bed over draws on the moon with a piece of chalk.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Lights out!

The lights turn off. The door creaks open. Pugsley is on the other side, standing very still, staring straight ahead.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley?

Wednesday gets out of bed to come see him.

WEDNESDAY
We were worried. You were gone so long. How was it?

Pugsley continues to stare silently ahead.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley? What was it like in the eye building? You're... smiling.

PUGSLEY
I'm happy to be here, Sir.

WEDNESDAY
What? I'm not Sir. I'm your sister.

Pugsley gets into bed.

WEDNESDAY
Do you want to go to sleep?

PUGSLEY
Yes, sir.

WEDNESDAY
I guess it's been a long day. ...Your shoes are still on. ...Pugsley?

Wednesday stares at him for a second or two longer before going up to the top bunk.

INT. WORKERS' DORM - MORNING

There's a close up on the loudspeaker.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Get up, lumber laborers. Lucky Smells has no time for dawdling. Pugsley Addams, would you like to get out of bed this instant?

Pugsley sits straight up in bed.

PUGSLEY
Yes, sir.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Would you like to bring your baby brother?

The workers file out of the building. Pugsley is carrying Pubert.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley?

INT. LUMBER MILL - DAY

The workers come into the building.

FLACUTONO
Lucky boy, it's wood chipper day. Would you like to make some mulch?

Pugsley goes over to the wood chipper. He turns it on. Then he starts tossing pieces of bark into the chipper, one by one. Wednesday comes over to him.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley, what are you doing?

She takes Pubert.

WEDNESDAY
I'm worried about you.

Wednesday watches Pugsley toss more wood into the chipper. Then she takes a piece of wood out of his hand.

WEDNESDAY
Stop it. We can try to convince Fester to take us back home, right now. Just please, say something.

PUGSLEY
Lucky Smells is our life. Lucky Smells is our home.

WEDNESDAY
No, it's not. A home is where people take care of you, not make you debark trees for gum. Our parents are at home, our real home, waiting for us, and they love us an inordinate amount.

There's a close up on Pugsley's eyes. There's a spiral in the pupil, but it fades. Pugsley looks around, confused

PUGSLEY
Inordinate? What does that mean?

WEDNESDAY
Finally!

PUGSLEY
Our parents love us a finally amount?

WEDNESDAY
No, I meant you've finally snapped out of... whatever that was. What I said before is that our parents love us very much.

Pugsley smiles.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Addamses! Go to the Very Fancy Door. You have visitors.

PUGSLEY
Do you think that's them?

WEDNESDAY
I... I can't think of who else it would be. Let's go see.

EXT. VERY FANCY DOOR - DAY

Charles is standing in front of the door. The kids come over to him.

CHARLES
Ah! There you are, children! Now, I know your time here hasn't been peachy, but your luck is about to change. Because I brought you...

Charles pulls a peach out of his pocket.

CHARLES
this peach!

Wednesday takes the peach and gives it to Pugsley.

WEDNESDAY
Who's visiting us?

CHARLES
Oh, I don't know. But they can't come inside, because that would be trespassing, and then they'd be put to work. But I can tell you that they are just on the other side of this Very Fancy Door.

Charles steps aside. The kids approach the door, excited yet cautious about what might be on the other side. The door begins to open, and a bright light is on the other side, obscuring the visitors. All three Addams kids smile, even Wednesday.

MORTICIA
(unseen)
Children, we're finally here!

EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK - DAY

The Addams parents, followed by the Baudelaires, disembark from the Fickle Ferry.

MORTICIA
Damocles Dock! At this rate, we'll be in Paltryville in no time!

VIOLET
It's awfully... gloomy.

GOMEZ
(cheerful)
Isn't it?

Lemony also disembarks from the Fickle Ferry.

LEMONY
I beg you, turn this program off now. Imagine this story has a happy ending. You can pretend the person at the door is the Duchess of Winnipeg, and she's come to finally show the Addamses the horror/musical that Ophelia and Fester have both brought up by now, and that you could be watching instead of this. You could pretend that it's the Addamses' next closest living relative, or even a loving parent that you thought you'd never see again. But if you choose to watch on, let me warn you, the misery does not end here. In fact, I visited Paltryville myself many years later.

EXT. PALTRYVILLE - DAY

Lemony walks past Lucky Smells. It has a "CLOSED" sign on it.

LEMONY
It was long after the Lucky Smells Lumber Mill had closed its doors...

Lemony walks past the building with the eye-shaped window.

LEMONY
and Dr. Orwell's office had fallen into disrepair. Of course, the building wasn't originally an orthodontist office at all, or even an optometrist office. It was the headquarters of a secret organization.

INT. LUMBER MILL - DAY

Lemony walks through the mill. The place looks like it's been abandoned for a very long time.

LEMONY
That is where I learned what happened to Pugsley Addams.

Lemony sits by a pile of mulch.

LEMONY
Poor, poor Pugsley Addams. It's enough to make you want to abandon civilization and live by a pond. But if you choose to look this misery in the eye, you should be asking one question. It's the same question that the Addams children should have asked, and that question is: Where is Count Olaf?

EXT. VERY FANCY DOOR - DAY

Georgina Orwell and SHIRLEY, Olaf's newest disguise, are on the other side of the door.

SHIRLEY
My, my, my, my, my. Aren't you a lucky boy?

The swirls return to Pugsley's eyes.

PUGSLEY
Yes, Sir.

Georgina and Shirley grin menacingly.

Chapter Text

EXT. VERY FANCY DOOR - DAY

Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert are standing at the door, looking at Georgina and Shirley, who are on the other side.

GEORGINA
How are your braces holding up? Any wires poking anything?

PUGSLEY
No, sir.

GEORGINA
Well, of course. I'm an excellent orthodontist, no matter what the medical board says.

SHIRLEY
(to Wednesday)
Well, hello, little girl. What's your name?

WEDNESDAY
You know my name, and that wig and lipstick don't fool me.

SHIRLEY
I don't know what you're talking about. I'm Dr. Orwell's receptionist. My name is Shirley.

WEDNESDAY
You mean "surely Count Olaf?"

SHIRLEY
Actually, my last name is St. Ives. It says so on my name tag. See?

There's a close up on Shirley's name tag.

WEDNESDAY
What have you done to Pugsley?

GEORGINA
You were right. These children are horribly impolite.

SHIRLEY
They really should be more careful, Dr. Orwell. If they were to do something impolite to me, like, for example, call me by the wrong name, I would have to do something impolite to them, like, for example, tear their hair out with my bare hands.

Wednesday looks around anxiously before tossing her braids behind her back. Sir comes over to Charles, who was standing just offscreen.

SIR
What's all this? I don't pay you in coupons to stand around gabbing.

WEDNESDAY
You have to listen. This woman is a notorious villain. And she's not a woman.

SIR
Nonsense! Dr. Orwell has provided free eye exams to Lucky Smells employees for years. And clearly she's a woman. Look at her pantsuit.

CHARLES
I'm surprised at you, Wednesday. Women can be doctors, just as men can be receptionists.

WEDNESDAY
I'm talking about the receptionist.

Shirley takes out a box of cookies.

SHIRLEY
Hi, I'm Cookie. Shirley?

Georgina elbows Shirley.

SHIRLEY
I'm Shirley. Cookie?

SIR
Don't mind if I do.

Shirley closes the box.

SHIRLEY
Did you consider our little proposal?

CHARLES
What proposal?

SIR
It doesn't concern you, Charles.

CHARLES
Doesn't concern me? I'm your partner.

Georgina comes over to Charles.

GEORGINA
I haven't seen you in my chair.

CHARLES
Yes, you have. I go to the dentist every six months.

GEORGINA
Then why do you have a piece of omelet stuck in your teeth?

CHARLES
Because I just ate?

GEORGINA
There's no excuse for poor dental health. Come with me.

Charles sighs. He follows Georgina and Shirley offscreen.

PUGSLEY
What a nice lady.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Lucky Smells visiting hours are over! Get back to work!

PUGSLEY
Yes, sir.

INT. LUMBER MILL - DAY

Pugsley sits down at the controls of a huge piece of machinery.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Lucky boy, would you like to turn on the stamping machine?

PUGSLEY
Yes, sir.

Pugsley pushes a lever. A giant stamp is lowered into a vat of ink. Wednesday enters the mill with Pubert.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley?

The stamp is lifted out of the ink and lowered onto a stack of wooden planks. When it's lifted back off, the Lucky Smells logo has been stamped onto the wood.

PUBERT
Sus.

WEDNESDAY
I know. He has no idea what he's doing, and they've given him no instruction on how to use this machine.

PUBERT
No!

WEDNESDAY
Oh. Then what were you talking about?

Fester comes over to them.

FESTER
There's nothing to worry about. Looks like Pugsley can handle this just fine. He's smiling!

Pugsley pulls another lever. There's a hollow smile on his face.

WEDNESDAY
What does that prove? He smiles all the time.

FESTER
That's true. But he's operating the machine perfectly! You're doing great, Pugsley!

Another stack of wood is stamped.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Move as fast as you can! And then move faster!

Workers move the last stack of wood aside, and Wednesday and Fester move the next stack into place.

WEDNESDAY
Dr. Orwell and Shirley must have done something to him. He's not himself. One moment he's normal - well, as normal as he can be - and the next... he's like a zombie.

The wood gets stamped.

FESTER
I saw a scary movie like that once.

WEDNESDAY
Was it Zombies in the Snow?

FESTER
What? No. It was Hypnotists in the Forest. To be honest with you, I didn't really get it, but I loved the fact that it was in black and white.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Focus, lumber minions!

WEDNESDAY
Did you say hypnotists?

FESTER
Cheer up. I'm sure that if you look on the bright side,

WORKER 1
Look on your right side!

WORKER 2
Get out of the way!

The machine swerves right, knocking several men over.

PUBERT
Uh oh.

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Code red! Code red!

Pugsley tears wires out of the machine. It keeps turning and moving, knocking things over, including the debarker dispenser, the glass on which shatters upon hitting the ground. Fester is knocked onto a stack of wood. The stamp lowers towards him. He screams.

INT. LEMONY'S ROOM - DAY

There's a close up on a TV. A woman on the TV screams, cutting Fester off. A man comes over to the woman.

MAN ON TV
They won't stop coming, Dolores. They're like zombies, only different.

DOLORES
I'm afraid they've been...

A woman with glasses waves a watch in front of her eyes.

DOLORES
hypnotized.

The camera zooms out. Lemony is watching the movie on the screen.

LEMONY
Many people think hypnosis is only in scary movies.

MAN ON TV
Dolores, avert your eyes!

Dolores looks down.

LEMONY
Those people are wrong. The Encyclopedia Hypnotica tells of a woman who, whenever she'd hear the word "omelet," would cluck like a chicken.

Dolores flaps her arms and clucks like a chicken.

MAN ON TV
What are you doing?

LEMONY
And a man who, upon hearing the word "Nero," could suddenly play an instrument he'd never studied.

Dolores is playing a violin.

MAN ON TV
Dolores, put down that violin!

LEMONY
The Encyclopedia Hypnotica does not mention the fatal accident that happened during the Addams children's time at Lucky Smells Lumber Mill. "Fatal" is a word which here means "caused the death of a person who it is my solemn duty to inform you... was not Fester."

Dolores screams.

INT. LUMBER MILL - DAY

Fester resumes his scream.

WORKER 1
Fester, you alright?

WORKER 2
Does he look alright to you?

FESTER
I'm... I'm... I'm okay!

FLACUTONO
(over loudspeaker)
Code red! Code red! Code red!

INT. SIR'S OFFICE

Sir gets up from his seat. Charles looks on worriedly.

SIR
What's going on out there?

INT. LUMBER MILL - DAY

Several workers, including Wednesday, are trying to lift up the stamp. Pugsley leaves the machine's controls. Wednesday looks around. She takes a debarker off the ground and uses it to pry the stamp off of Fester's leg. As the stamp raises, everyone can see that Fester's leg has been completely flattened, yet his foot is still moving on the other side. Fester sits up.

FESTER
Woah! That might be the worst injury I've sustained yet!

WEDNESDAY
Haven't you survived literal explosions?

FESTER
I didn't get injured, then. But this? This is a real injury! I should be hospitalized! But I don't care! If someone could help me back up to my foot, I think I'll be able to get back to work!

WORKER 3
Last month we got coupons for 50% off Ahab's Memorial! Two of us can chip in and get your leg fixed up.

Sir is standing in the doorway.

SIR
It can't be fixed.

Charles comes over to Fester.

CHARLES
Oh, I wouldn't say that. I mean, Fester's leg is going to need some... eh... help. But, uh, we're fortunate that the damage wasn't worse.

SIR
Wasn't worse? The debarker dispenser is destroyed. Who's responsible?

Flacutono comes out of his booth.

FLACUTONO
Pugsley Addams caused the accident. He said he knew how to operate heavy machinery.

WEDNESDAY
That's not true.

FLACUTONO
Well, now I know that.

CHARLES
Perhaps we should reevaluate our safety procedures. Or perhaps we shouldn't let children near dangerous machines.

SIR
I've got a better solution. One more mistake, Addams,

Pugsley blinks one eye at a time.

SIR
and I'm gonna send you away to a place where you'll learn the value of discipline and child labor. I happen to have just the place in mind. Now get back to work! This mistake has cost me an inordinate amount of money!

The swirls disappear from Pugsley's eyes. Sir and Charles leave. Fester is being dragged offscreen on a cot.

PUGSLEY
Woah! Fester! That's one serious injury! Good for you!

Fester gives a thumbs up.

WEDNESDAY
You're back.

PUGSLEY
From where?

WEDNESDAY
...We need to talk.

INT. WORKER'S DORM

The kids are sitting on a bed.

PUGSLEY
I can't believe it. It sounds like something from a scary movie.

WEDNESDAY
How does that make it hard to believe?

PUGSLEY
I've always wanted to be in a scary movie, and I can't believe I've finally achieved my dream!

WEDNESDAY
What? You're not literally in a scary movie. You're just dealing with a situation that would be seen in one.

PUGSLEY
Oh. So... this hypnotism thing... it's bad?

WEDNESDAY
Yes. You've been stripped of your free will. I think we should do something about it.

PUGSLEY
What do you mean?

WEDNESDAY
Let's find out what Dr. Orwell is up to. From there, we can either join her side and follow the path to world conquest, or get revenge on her for messing with your mind.

PUGSLEY
Aren't we supposed to be getting back to our parents? Maybe we should do that before we take over the world.

Wednesday sighs.

WEDNESDAY
I guess you're right. Let's go.

INT. DR. ORWELL'S OFFICE

The kids sneak into the room with the eye window. Charles is in the chair, staring at the TV. Dr. Orwell comes in soon after, and the kids sneak up some stairs to remain out of sight.

GEORGINA
I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. Partner trouble. You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Charles?

CHARLES
Yes, sir.

WEDNESDAY
She has Charles.

GEORGINA
Now, Charles, would you like to look at the screen and tell me what you see?

The Addams kids are on the screen.

CHARLES
Orphans.

GEORGINA
Dangerous orphans. Charles, don't you think your partner and you would be a lot happier without these orphans around?

CHARLES
We could finally be happy without those orphans around.

GEORGINA
You will awaken from your trance when I say the word -

SHIRLEY
Charles,

The camera shifts to Shirley, who's on the other side of the room.

SHIRLEY
would you like to do your impersonation of a chicken?

Charles starts clucking.

GEORGINA
I told you to wait in the waiting room.

SHIRLEY
Did you? I must have forgotten.

GEORGINA
Charles, would you like to stop?

PUGSLEY
That's Shirley?

WEDNESDAY
We should go before she sees us.

PUGSLEY
Wait.

SHIRLEY
I really wanna practice saying the secret words.

GEORGINA
Why? So you can take over and you won't need me anymore?

SHIRLEY
Someone has trust issues.

GEORGINA
Of course I do. I dated you.

PUGSLEY
Secret words?

WEDNESDAY
I think it's the words that turn the trance on and off.

OLAF
You drank all of my wine!

GEORGINA
You poisoned my coffee!

OLAF
You tried to hypnotize me!

GEORGINA
It was the only way to shut you up!

The floorboards above them creak.

OLAF
What was that?

GEORGINA
There's nothing up there.

OLAF
If there's nothing up there, then what was that noise?

The kids exchange worried glances. Olaf goes up the stairs. The kids get up and go into a closet just before Olaf spots them. The kids watch as Count Olaf passes by the door. Just when they think he's gone, he comes back and tries to open the closet. When he can't, he leaves again. The kids let out a collective sigh of relief. Then, Pugsley looks behind him, and his eyes go wide.

INT. LEMONY'S ROOM - EVENING

Someone on the TV screams. Lemony turns off the TV. He gets up and walks over to his closet.

LEMONY
We all have skeletons in our closet, metaphorically, meaning things from our past we'd prefer not leave lying around because they are painful or incriminating or would create unnecessary clutter. In my closet, I keep a 200-page book written by the woman I loved, explaining at great length and in specific detail the reason she could not marry me, which, if I were to leave out in the open, I would find myself reading over and over. It would be as if my darling Beatrice were bringing me bad news every day and every night of my life.

Lemony opens the closet. He looks sadly at a huge stack of paper woven together with ribbon before closing the door.

LEMONY
Unless you are a murderer or a taxidermist, it is rare to have actual skeletons in your closet, as opposed to metaphorical ones. But as Pugsley had just discovered,

INT. DR. ORWELL'S OFFICE - DAY

Pugsley looks back at several skeletons that are in the closet with him and his siblings.

LEMONY
(voiceover)
Dr. Orwell's closet had both.

PUGSLEY
Do you think those are real?

WEDNESDAY
I wonder where she got them.

Pugsley looks next to the skeletons. There's a box of medical records.

WEDNESDAY
What's in there?

PUGSLEY
Records from all of Dr. Orwell's other patients. Do you think she hypnotized them, too?

EXT. PALTRYVILLE - DAY

The kids are walking back to the mill.

PUGSLEY
That must be why they never leave, and why they're happy to work for coupons and gum.

WEDNESDAY
We need to figure out the word that breaks the trance.

PUGSLEY
Do you remember the word that brought me back to normal after I crushed Uncle Fester's leg?

WEDNESDAY
There were a lot of words said at the time, so I can't be sure which one it was.

The kids come over to the door to the lumber mill.

PUGSLEY
...We don't have to go back. We could run away, like we did from Lachrymose.

WEDNESDAY
You know how that ended. We're living it right now. Besides, we couldn't just abandon Fester here.

PUGSLEY
Okay. Then I guess we should stay.

Sir opens the door.

SIR
Trying to run away, are ya?

INT. SIR'S OFFICE

Sir is sitting at his desk. The kids are sitting on the other side.

SIR
So, you wanna hear the good news or the bad news first?

WEDNESDAY
Bad.

SIR
There's a local receptionist who wants children of her own. You make one more mistake, and I'm gonna be forced to sack you and send you to live with her. I've interviewed her about her parenting methods, and I can vouch for her fully.

PUGSLEY
You can't send us to live with Shirley!

WEDNESDAY
Wait. Let's hear the good news.

SIR
It will build character. I was willing to forgive the accident. You three are an economic bonanza, and I'm a softie at heart. But my partner convinced me that I need to be a little more inflexible. Isn't that right, Charles?

Charles enters the room.

CHARLES
We'll finally be happy without those orphans around.

INT. WORKER'S DORM - NIGHT

It's very dark. Wednesday's on the top bunk of one of the beds. We can't see the bottom bunk, but we can assume that Pugsley and Pubert are there.

WEDNESDAY
Do you think there's still hope of our parents coming here to rescue us? I mean, if we fix Fester's hypnosis, then I guess we won't need them to come, but what if we can't? Do you think they even know we're here?

There's no response. Wednesday looks over the bed at the bottom bunk. Her brothers asleep.

WEDNESDAY
Oh. I guess I should be getting to sleep soon, too.

Wednesday lays back down and turns over onto her side.

WEDNESDAY
Goodnight.

Wednesday's eyes close. A few seconds later, Flacutono enters the room. He taps on Pugsley's shoulder with a very stiff hand. Pugsley slowly blinks and raises his head.

FLACUTONO
Lucky boy... would you like to get to work?

The swirls reappear in Pugsley's eyes. Wednesday blinks awake at the sound of Pugsley's and Flacutono's footsteps as they leave the dorm.

EXT. WORKER'S DORM - NIGHT

Wednesday peeks out the door. Then she leaves, carrying Pubert. She gradually gets faster as she chases after her brother.

INT. LUMBER MILL - NIGHT

Olaf is standing in front of something that isn't seen, since it's just offscreen.

OLAF
You've been fortunate until now, orphan, but not anymore! One more accident, and you're mine. And this will be the worst accident the lumber mill has ever seen.

Pugsley finishes tying Charles to a log on a machine with a big saw. Charles whistles a cheerful tune, his eyes wide and unblinking.

OLAF
Now, you lucky brat, would you like to send that log into that saw?

Pugsley grabs a lever.

PUGSLEY
Yes, sir.

WEDNESDAY
Pugsley, don't do it!

Olaf turns around.

OLAF
Well, well, well. If it isn't... the other two. You're just in time to see the accident.

WEDNESDAY
It's not an accident. You're doing this on purpose.

OLAF
Let's not split hairs. That's Pugsley's job. And you can shout as much as you want. Your brother isn't here right now.

WEDNESDAY
I don't want to shout. I want to make you pay for what you've done!

Wednesday runs towards Olaf. The hook handed man, now undisguised, comes out of Flacutono's booth and stops her from reaching him. When she ducks under his arm, he hooks onto one of the noose-ends of her braids.

OLAF
Wherever you go, I will be waiting. Wherever you hide, I will hunt you down. I'm smarter. I'm pluckier. I'm stronger.

Wednesday growls. Pugsley pulls the lever. Charles keeps whistling, completely unphased.

HOOK-HANDED MAN
Wait until Sir finds out that his partner's been turned into human boards. I bet he won't even wait until the morning to fire...

The hook-handed man gasps. The swirls disappear from Charles' eyes. A look of terror takes over his face. He looks around frantically.

CHARLES
Where am I? What's going on? Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

WEDNESDAY
Fire! The secret word is fire!

There's a pause.

OLAF
And you're not gonna do anything with that information?

WEDNESDAY
No. I do enjoy a good shredding.

OLAF
Oh. Okay. Well, even if you had tried, it wouldn't have worked. Did you really think we'd use the same word on your bratty brother that we used on the mill workers?

WEDNESDAY
No. I showed no signs of thinking such a thing.

Olaf frowns. He steps towards Wednesday.

OLAF
You will never find the word to save your brother.

CHARLES
Help me! Help me!

OLAF
Sorry, Charlie. No one's going to help you now.

PUBERT
Help!

WEDNESDAY
I don't want to.

PUBERT
Help.

WEDNESDAY
...You're right. Charles did try to help us. But, he was too useless to do anything, so I say we make him pay for it.

Pubert points to the empty booth.

WEDNESDAY
Oh. Help Fester. I get it.

She yanks her hair off of the hook-handed man's hook and runs towards the booth. Olaf looks at the hook-handed man frustratedly.

OLAF
Where did the girl go?

INT. LEMONY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Lemony is standing by the window.

LEMONY
Perhaps you've been told never to shout "fire" in a public place. When you shout "fire" and there isn't one, it can cause chaos. Of course, if you shout "fire" when there is one, it can cause chaos, but also save lives. Still, there are times when shouting "fire" can save lives, even when there isn't one.

INT. LUMBER MILL - NIGHT

Wednesday is shouting into the loudspeaker.

WEDNESDAY
Fire! Fire!
INT. WORKER'S DORM - NIGHT

One of the workers gets out of bed.

WEDNESDAY
(over loudspeaker)
Fire! Fire! Fire!

WORKER 1
Where am I?

Wednesday continues to shout "fire" through the loudspeaker. More workers sit up.

WORKER 2
Why does my mouth taste like gum?

All the workers leave the dorm.

INT. LUMBER MILL - NIGHT

The hook-handed man flings open the booth's door. He grabs Wednesday's arm and drags her out of the booth. Shouts are heard as workers start coming into the mill.

OLAF
Shut the door!

The saw is inching closer and closer to Charles.

CHARLES
Help me! Help me!

The hook-handed man blocks the doors with a wooden plank.

WORKER 3
Open up!

WORKER 4
We want answers!

Pubert crawls over to Charles' ropes and starts to burn them off.

OLAF
Lucky! Would you like to cut the log faster?

Pugsley pulls a lever.

WEDNESDAY
Lucky. Would you like to tell me the secret word that gets you out of your trance?

OLAF
Lucky! Don't tell her the word!

WEDNESDAY
Lucky! Tell me!

OLAF
Lucky! Don't!

WEDNESDAY
Lucky! Don't listen to Olaf!

GEORGINA
Lucky!

The camera zooms in on Georgina, who must have just entered.

GEORGINA
Don't listen to your sister.

Georgina comes over to them.

GEORGINA
I just stopped by to see if everything was running smoothly, and I'm glad I did, because it wasn't.

OLAF
How did you even get inside? There's an angry mob at the door.

GEORGINA
I don't trust you with all my secrets.

Georgina picks up Pubert.

GEORGINA
You know, they say holding a baby can make all these deep, primal parenting instincts kick in... but the only instinct I'm getting is the instinct to chuck it into a fire.

WEDNESDAY
Go ahead! Do it! He won't die!

Georgina opens the furnace.

GEORGINA
And what makes you say that?

The camera zooms in on Wednesday's face.

WEDNESDAY
He's an Addams.

GEORGINA
That's stupid.

OLAF
Inordinately so.

The spirals disappear from Pugsley's eyes. Georgina glares at Olaf.

PUGSLEY
Hey, what's Charles doing on this log inching closer and closer to certain death?

WEDNESDAY
Inordinate.

There's a flashback showing each time Inordinate was said in all of The Miserable Mill.

WEDNESDAY
Inordinate! That's the word!

GEORGINA
Great! Now he's unhypnotized!

Pugsley pulls the lever back, stopping the log. The saw is about an inch away from Charles' feet.

PUGSLEY
I would keep this going, but I kinda like Charles. He at least sort of cared about us.

WEDNESDAY
(disappointed)
Pugsley! It's been so long since I've witnessed the death of an innocent, undeserving victim!

OLAF
Yes! Listen to your sister! Cause an accident!

PUGSLEY
Wait a minute.

He steps down from the machine.

PUGSLEY
You're just doing this to get our fortune.

He marches over to Georgina.

PUGSLEY
Now, put my brother down, or I'll stop preventing Wednesday from killing you both.

OLAF
Preventing?

PUGSLEY
Oh, you think she hasn't thought about murdering you? You thought the puttanesca was the end of it?

GEORGINA
I don't know what's going on here, but I do know that despite your efforts, there will still be a fatal accident at the lumber mill tonight. You think you're so clever, but you only see in black and white.

WEDNESDAY
Hey. Color television was expensive in the sixties. Not to mention overrated.

GEORGINA
I'm not talking about the sixties! I'm talking about right now!

HOOK-HANDED MAN
Right now the workers are about to break through this door!

The workers break through the door. They come after Georgina and Olaf. Georgina screams and instinctively steps back, but the furnace is right behind her, and she falls in with Pubert. Pubert then rolls out of the furnace, giggling and wearing Georgina's cracked, twisted, and hopelessly broken glasses. The workers stare at the scene of what's happened in horror... all except one, who just so happens to be Lemony Snicket.

LEMONY
Sometimes when we are startled by a loud noise or an angry mob looking to confront their hypnotist, we take a step back. Dr. Orwell was right. There was a fatal accident at the Lucky Smells Lumber Mill that night.

The workers continue to look on until glass shattering is heard. Olaf and the hook-handed man have leapt through the window and are now escaping. Wednesday scoops up Pubert and the kids rush over to the window to watch the villains (badly) climb the wall.

SIR
I don't recall assigning a night shift.

The workers, and the kids, turn around to see Sir standing at the door.

SIR
But I fully approve. Keep this up and you'll earn your dorm lights back in no time.

The workers slowly approach Sir.

WORKER 1
What do we want?

ALL WORKERS
Freedom!

The workers run towards Sir. They surround him, but he crawls out from underneath the crowd.

INT. SIR'S OFFICE - DAY

The kids are sitting in chairs in front of Sir's desk. Mr. Poe is marching between the chairs and the desk.

MR. POE
Hypnosis, child labor, Count Olaf in a dress? You children certainly have lively imaginations. But, a lumber mill is no substitute for a proper guardian.

PUGSLEY
How did you find us, again?

MR. POE
Well, I heard there was an accident at the lumber mill, and came to see it for myself. I almost got put to work by the owner of the mill, but then I told him about my job at the bank, and... well, it's all very confusing...

WEDNESDAY
All too confusing, would you say?

Mr. Poe coughs.

MR. POE
No. I understand it just fine. I'll come back to get you soon. I'm just sorting out the details of your next home.

Mr. Poe leaves the room. Pugsley takes the group photo out of his pocket.

PUGSLEY
Our parents never came for us.

The kids look sadly at the photo for a moment before something catches Wednesday's eye out the window. It's Fester.

EXT. SIR'S OFFICE - DAY

The kids leave the office. Fester hobbles by on crutches. His leg is in a cast. When he turns to face the kids, it's revealed that his leg is still squashed.

FESTER
You're back!

Fester comes over to the kids.

WEDNESDAY
Wait, he was at the hospital when we un-hypnotized all the workers, wasn't he.

PUGSLEY
Fire.

Nothing happens.

FESTER
Fire? Where?

WEDNESDAY
You mean you weren't hypnotized this whole time?

FESTER
I don't know what you're talking about.

PUGSLEY
So you really do love the mill? And there's no way you'll take us back home?

FESTER
I do love this place. But even if I wanted to go back home, it'd be pretty hard to get back there with my leg - what's left of it, at least.

Fester laughs a wheezy laugh. The kids look at each other with a mix of sadness and worry.

PUGSLEY
So I guess this is goodbye.

WEDNESDAY
I'm sure we can convince him to take us home.

Mr. Poe comes over to the kids.

MR. POE
It's all ready, kids! Now let's hop in the car and drive to your new home!

The kids sigh.

WEDNESDAY
Goodbye, Uncle Fester.

FESTER
Bye, kids. Have fun!

PUGSLEY
We'll try.

INT. CAR - DAY

Mr. Poe is driving the kids to their new home.

MR. POE
I believe this place will make a nice home for you. I hope so anyway, because I've just received a promotion. Vice President of Orphan Affairs. Which means I'll be too busy to check in on you.

PUGSLEY
What's our new guardian's name?

MR. POE
Guardian? Oh, no. Good God, no. I couldn't find a single one willing to take you in. Not after what happened to the last three... four? Anyway, you're going to a boarding school.

WEDNESDAY
I'm not supposed to go to one of those until I'm in my late teens. And directed by Tim Burton.

MR. POE
Now, it is the end of the semester, so you'll have to work hard to catch up. But it will build character.

EXT. CAR - DAY

Mr. Poe's car drives through a gate, entering Prufrock Preparatory School, which is made up of several tombstone-shaped buildings.

WEDNESDAY
I like the architecture.