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Hey.. it's Chanhee. It's been so long, huh? How are you, how have you been? Do you still remember me? You never wrote back, I don't know if you ever received any of my letters but I hope they reached you. Maybe they got lost along the way, maybe they are sitting in a nice pile, in a box together with your junk mails; forever unopened.
Maybe you did receive them, and you have read them, but you chose not to write back to me. Whatever the conditions of my letters are, or whatever your reasons are, I guess I understand. Or maybe I don’t, and that is why I’m writing this to you, this might be the last time I will do this too.
Juyeon-ah, do the memories of us together sometimes appear in your mind, out of the blue? When you are brushing your teeth in the morning, trying to start your day. When you lie down at night in silence, in the dark after long hours. Trying to catch some sleep, but the images of us holding hands in winter, sharing a cup of hot chocolate together, bundled up in each other’s embrace on the couch, disturbs your peace and quiet? Sometimes I’d like to think that you are struggling with that too, just to make myself feel better. Sometimes I just wish I knew what was in your mind, or is. But the more I try to, the more I start losing myself. Why is that? Why do I feel like that?
The moment you told me you had to leave Seoul, to go somewhere far away to find yourself, my heart broke into pieces. I wish I held on to you a little longer. I wish I was selfish enough to say that I wanted you to stay. I wish I told you not to leave. Not to leave me, because I know that was the start of something.. something that I can’t even explain in words. It’s hard to find things to say when your mind is constantly moving with anger, unexplained tears. You, disappearing forever. From my embrace, from my reach. You've ruined me. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve been hallucinating. Am I hallucinating? I see you sometimes, in the corner of my eyes. In the hallways of our home, sometimes I can even feel you standing right next to me. But when I stretch my hand out to hold yours, you disappear. You fade away. Why can’t you fade away from my mind too, then? It’s getting harder and harder to distinguish reality and fantasy now.. It’s really exhausting.
I really need help, it’s getting really pathetic for me. Younghoon and Changmin are already tired of my antics. They come over to check on me when they are not busy. But how long can they help anyway? All I want is you, Lee Juyeon. I want you back. But life doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. Sometimes I wonder, why can’t I be more like you? You, who know how to make your own stance, how to stand on your own feet. Maybe that is why you left me, I was too dependent on you. You got tired, and so the best way to escape from me is to leave abruptly.. I am so sorry that I only realize it now.. I am really useless. It’s too late now. You are gone forever, uncontactable, unreachable. I tried calling you on your phone too, but it’s no hope. You never pick up. So here I am, writing these letters to you, to the address you gave me before you left. It seems like it’s not working either, but that’s okay. I understand how difficult I have been.
Juyeon-ah, you know how you call me a fool for always seeing the silver lining on bad things? For always being a little too positive when something bad happens to me.. well I guess this is the only thing that I’d like to prove you wrong. I’m trying to pick up the pieces again, to move on from your ghost that lingers around me for far too long. I want to clear up the cloudy skies that blanketed me for years, for the sunny ones to come for me. I’ve been in denial for too long now, and I realize it now that you are never going to come back. That’s okay, right? Things don’t always go the way we want. If we were meant to be, we will meet each other again. But for now, I guess this is it. This letter is my first step, What is the next step, you ask? I don’t know either. I don’t know myself anymore. And that is okay.. I can always create a new me. The Chanhee you’ll never know, the Chanhee you will never get to know. This is my closure to you, though one sided, but I already feel better writing my feelings down like this. I’ll find a way to be without you.
I hope this letter reaches you well, so that when you read its content you’ll feel a pang of pain in your heart that hits you so deep you’ll never recover from it, or waves of relief knowing that I’m doing well without you, take it however you want. But, oh but.. is it bad that I still want us to meet again one day? I still daydream that maybe we’ll bump into each other in the streets, and if that ever happens, I want to be in my best condition, the best Choi Chanhee you’ll ever set your eyes on. Maybe you can come over to my house, and we’ll make your famous cream tteokbokki again.
Juyeon, thank you for the memories, for the love, pain, tears, comfort, anger, yearning you gave me. I might still hold grudges on you, but it is also a lesson for me, a motivation for me to move on and mould myself to become someone better. I wish you well in your journey.
Love,
Choi Chanhee.