Archive of Our Own

Until It’s Gone

“Some people don’t know what they have until it’s gone.

But what about the ones who do know? The ones who never took a damn thing for granted? Who tried their hardest to hold on, yet could only look on helplessly while they lost the thing they loved the most.

Isn’t it so much worse for them?”

(Lang Leav, The Universe of Us)

“Dongsaeng, what are you thinking about?” 

Cale turns his head to face Alberu, taking in his beautiful features illuminated by the candlelight as the man reorganizes his papers on his desk. Cale shifts in his chair across from him, loosening the collar of his shirt as he unconsciously begins recording Alberu’s motions. Every action is graceful and sure, his blonde hair gently covers his eyes that shine brighter in front of the candle, his pale skin—

“Dongsaeng?”

Cale sharply inhales, coming back to himself as he stops recording. 

“Ah, yes? What is it?”

Alberu’s worried eyes examine Cale. He’s gotten used to Cale’s habits, enough to recognize that he’s not behaving how he normally would. Cale’s breathing is a bit faster, his bangs are slick with sweat and sticking to his forehead at some parts, his left hand is gripping the arm of the chair too hard, and though the room is too dark to see much else, Alberu can tell the man’s legs are rapidly bouncing up and down on the ground because of the incessant tapping of shoes against the wooden floor of his study.

“Is something wrong?”

Alberu knows something is wrong. Cale Henituse isn’t exactly the best actor. Sure, he’s better than Choi Han, but practically everyone is, so that fact doesn’t mean much. Unbeknownst to the red-haired man, he practically wears his heart on his sleeve, his actions usually unashamedly truthful.

He hopes Cale will tell him. He hopes Cale trusts him enough to be able to confide in him, but… 

“No, nothing is wrong.”

Cale loosens his grip on the armrest of the chair and instead places his hands together on his lap, one hand anxiously picking the skin off near the nail of the other hand. 

Alberu doesn’t frown. He wants to though as he abandons his papers on his desk, walking around the table so he can come and stand in front of Cale. 

Now that he’s closer to him, he can see the barely lit outline of the man’s black jacket shaking slightly. He’s trembling. The man in front of him doesn’t meet his eyes, instead looking at his bouncing shoes— shoes that can’t even be seen in the dark room.

“Cale.”

Cale still doesn’t look up, and his lips press together as though he’s willing himself not to talk, to not bother anyone with his petty problems that should no longer matter. Well, they matter, but Cale can’t help but to think of himself as selfish for thinking of them while the others are already so busy with this whole war in this world.

He knows this world is his home now. It’s been his home for the past couple years, so why can’t he just let go? It’s so… frustrating , agonizing . 

To not be able to let go. 

To not be able to forget.

Alberu steps back a bit and sighs, knowing that Cale is lost in his head for now. He instead walks back over to his desk, pulling out a tea bag, a teacup, and a saucer from a drawer and goes to make hot water.

The hot temperature of the tea should catch Cale’s attention, bringing him out of his thoughts, even if it’s only for a short moment as he’ll instead focus on taking short sips of the liquid when appropriate.

While the magic kettle boils water in one corner of the study, Alberu walks back over to the giant window behind his desk, drawing back the curtains to reveal the beautiful moon. Alberu would’ve drawn back the curtains earlier, but he was so focused on work, both for the war and for succeeding the throne, that he hadn’t realize day had shifted into night. 

Maybe it was his fault that Cale is stuck in his head. He was kept away for too long, mind so preoccupied he inadvertently left Cale all alone with his thoughts. For the past few hours the study had been quiet aside from the Alberu’s scribbling of the quill on paper and Cale’s occasional munching of cookies.

Alberu had appreciated the quiet, thinking the silence was relaxing. While yes, Cale appreciated the calm, idleness was the gateway to anxiety. 

As much as he loved to relax, Cale needs the children with him, talking and playing loudly to ensure that he won’t fall into his thoughts. He needs Ron checking in with him, giving him lemonade from time to time to ensure that he always has something else to focus on if he begins to zone out. He needs a book to read so that he can get lost in that world instead of being tormented by the world he’s already lost.

He’s so reliant on others it makes him feel sick to think about sometimes. Cale Henituse, the supposed young hero, needs to be saved from himself by those around him. It’s so stupid. He’s gone through so much, but he can’t even properly cope by himself.

The red-haired man is coaxed out of his thoughts by the gentle aroma of tea and the sound of the teacup being placed onto the saucer in front of him. 

“Dongsaeng,” Alberu holds out the cup and saucer in front of him, “drink this tea. This brand normally helps me to relax at night.”

Cale steadies his legs and reaches out for the saucer. Thankfully in doing so he stops picking at the skin on his fingers, the brief respite allowing the Vitality of the Heart to finally heal him.

The burning warmth from the thin porcelain teacup catches his attention, drawing him away from thoughts of them as he forces himself to focus on this. 

“Thank you.”

The steam coming from the cup warms his face, and he lets out a relieved exhale as his trembling gradually slows. A small, unnoticeable smile comes onto Cale’s face as he realizes Alberu is caring for him. A part of him is conflicted— he’s ashamed for not being strong enough to win over his thoughts, enough so that it was even noticed by Alberu, but another part of him feels warm and fluffy at the care he receives. He’s so used to looking out for the others that it’s always a bit of a shock when he’s finally cared for.

After a few sips, Cale places down the cup and the saucer on the small table next to the chair.

When Alberu sees Cale is finally unoccupied, he immediately goes down onto his knees and settles his head on one of Cale’s legs, peering up at the surprised face of his sworn brother.

“H-Hyung?”

Cale can feel his heart thumping in his chest as he sees Alberu now in his dark elf form, a form he only shifts into when he’s sure they’re alone. 

Ah, he hopes Alberu can’t hear his heartbeat. The man in front of him would surely tease him for his reaction if he knew.

“Cale.” Alberu takes his hand and uses his thumb to rub small circles on the other leg of the man. “What’s worrying you?”

The soft, gentle, tickling touch of Alberu’s thumb anchors Cale, though not without thoroughly embarrassing him.

There’s a brief silence before Cale lets out an resigned sigh. He can’t hide anything from Alberu, can he?

“Everything.” 

Cale’s heavy answer is a direct contrast to the gentle atmosphere from just a few seconds ago.

The thumb stops as the hand jerks back for a second, but Alberu immediately goes back to rubbing circles, the touch lighter and slower than before. 

“Everything, huh?”

Cale hums in affirmation, busying himself by playing with Alberu’s hair, relishing in how soft and silky the strands of his dark hair is.

“Do you mind elaborating?” Alberu notices the look of discomfort on Cale’s face, so he immediately creates an out. “Only if you want to of course. I’m asking because I want to help if I can, so if answering it is more detrimental, then you don’t need to answer. I just want to make sure that you’re safe.”

“Your highness…”

“Just call me Alberu, or hyung. We’re alone right now, so there’s no need for pointless honorifics. This is me asking you as a… worried friend.”

“There’s… a lot to talk about.” Cale lets out a derisive laugh. “There’s a lot wrong with me: with what I’ve experienced, with what I’m worried about.”

“If you had to summarize it…?”

“I’m,” Cale pauses and stops playing with Alberu’s hair. “I’m scared of losing you all. I’m scared of losing everyone that I love again.”

Alberu’s heart skips a beat at the thought of being included with those that Cale loves, but it’s immediately overwritten by the worry and concern he feels.

“You won’t lose us. We’re prepared, practically as much as we can be, all things considered.”

“There’s no guarantee that you guys won’t die. Honestly, I’m not strong enough,” Cale uses a free hand to irritatedly ruffle his own hair, “I wish I was strong enough to protect you all. I wish I could make sure no one would get hurt.”

Alberu feels the hand in his hair trembling, so he lifts his head up and uses both of his hands to grab Cale’s.

“What makes you think you’re not strong enough? You’ve saved us so many times. We’re not just counting on you either. You can count on us to protect ourselves, each other, and you too.”

“You don’t know what it’s like… to lose everyone you love to those monsters. Even though we know what they are, there's bound to be something that goes wrong.”

“You can’t plan for everything. Cale, even if something goes wrong, it wouldn’t be your fault. We’re all involved in this.”

“But I know the most. If something goes wrong it’s because I didn’t plan hard enough, I didn’t pay close enough attention, because I wasn’t strong enough to take care of it myself. Every death that happens is because I wasn’t able to protect them.”

“Cale… none of that is your fault. There’s only so much you can do, and you’ve already helped us plenty. Without you here, we’d be going in blind— imagine how many lives would have been lost then.”

Cale is silent as he knows he can’t deny that, but his mind is still screaming at him, berating him for not being able to come up with more solutions, with more plans. Fuck slacking, how can he even think about slacking when the lives of others are in his hands?!

“Cale,” the crown prince continues, “Even if some do die, you don’t need to feel guilty. It’s okay to feel hurt, to feel sorrowful, to grieve for them— but guilt… I won’t allow it. Whatever negative thing that may happen isn’t your fault. You don’t need to feel guilty.”

The red-haired man feels the tip of his nose begin to sting as tears gather in his eyes. 

“It was scary, to lose everything, to lose all that I loved.”

Alberu let’s go of Cale’s hands and clambers onto the man’s lap, straddling him so that he can put the younger man’s head on his shoulder. 

“Here,” Alberu wraps his arms around Cale, “this way I can’t see you cry— so it’s alright for you to do so.”

“Hyung…”

“Cale, both in this life and the other, I know how much you care for those around you. I know how hard you must’ve tried.”

Cale can’t gather the needed energy to hold his tears back so they quickly slide down his face onto Alberu’s shoulder.

“I just wanted all of us to survive.” Cale hesitatingly wraps his arms around Alberu’s torso, gently gripping onto the fabric of his clothes as though his touch was the only lifeline Cale could grab onto. “Was that so much to ask for? They didn’t deserve to die. I finally found a home, and it was all taken away. If I had died…  If I was stronger… Either way, couldn’t I have bought them a few seconds? They would have survived if I was just a bit stronger, just a bit braver.”

“Cale… I’m sure they’re happy that you were able to survive. This may sound cruel, but please don’t dismiss their feelings and sacrifice. They trusted you enough to protect you and believed in your abilities to help others afterwards.”

“They deserved to live.”

“They did. You all deserved to live. Cale, you know you’re included in that, right?”

Cale’s silence is telling.

“Cale. You deserve to live. It wouldn’t even matter if you were still a trashy count or if you weren’t a hero— you deserve to live. You deserve to be happy— to have a home, to have people you can come back to.”

“I just—”

“Cale, even if you weren’t strong enough then, you’re definitely stronger now. Besides isn’t this all that motherfucking White Star’s fault? It’s not like you’ve personally summoned these monsters or planned to dominate the world, so why feel guilty about things that haven’t happened yet, that won’t happen?”

“I don’t want you all to disappear. I don’t want you all to die.” 

“I won’t die.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Cale…”

“Do you know how long it took for me to get over their deaths? Hell, I’m not sure I ever got over them. I don’t think I properly, fully grieved for them either… Immediately after they died I was buried in work. I mean, part of it was because I was the only one left from that team so I had to take over as per Lee Soo Hyuk’s wishes, but another part of me just didn’t want to accept it. I couldn't even cry at their funeral. They had no family members alive to attend and I was the only survivor of the team, but I couldn’t bring myself to shed a single tear for them because it didn’t feel real. I didn’t want to accept that they were gone.” Cale leans away from Alberu’s shoulder so he can look into his dark eyes, one hand gently brushing away the bangs covering part of Alberu’s face. “Here,” Cale begins, his voice shaky, “I have a family again for the first time in years. I have friends who I can trust and they trust me in return. I have people I want to protect again. I was so scared to form any relationships with others because it hurt so much to lose everyone.”

“My dongsaeng…”

“The thought of losing you all again,” Cale chuckles wetly, tears gathering in his eyes at the thought, “I don’t know if I could take it. I don’t know what I’d do…”

Alberu doesn’t know what to say, so he instead wipes away the tears still falling down Cale’s face.

“I’m sorry.” Cale can only give a shaky smile. “That was a lot, huh?”

“Cale, I’m just glad that you’re talking to me, I’m glad you trust me enough to do so. It just seems like you haven’t talked about this with others all this time. I don’t know how much help I can be, considering I’m not from that world and I don’t know what they were originally like with you, but you can keep talking about them, about anything that’s worrying you.”

“It’s a lot though… I’d basically be trauma-dumping.”

“First of all, you wouldn’t be trauma-dumping, you’d be venting. This isn’t toxic, this isn’t just being sprung onto me without a chance to say no, you’re not blaming others for what happened, and I already know you’d be taking accountability for things you could have done… Cale, I’m asking you because I want to help. Besides, if anyone had trauma-dumped, it was me with the whole ‘revealing I’m a dark elf’ thing. I probably— no, I definitely got too personal there. This time I want to help you, even if the only thing I can do is listen.”

“Just… let me know if it gets to be too much or too heavy? I won’t feel hurt or bad if you need me to stop. Like I said, it’s a lot.”

“Of course I will.”

There’s a brief silence and Cale breaks it, snickering. 

“Ah, sorry. I just didn’t know where to start. Umm… do you have anything specific you’d like to hear about my old life?”

“It’s up to you dongsaeng.”

“That doesn’t help me!” 

Despite themselves, they smile at each other.

“Okay then,” Alberu treasures the smile on Cale’s face. Though he doesn’t have the recording ability Cale has, he hopes to commit this smile to memory. “I’d like to hear about how you grew up. How did our precious hero come to be?”

“H-Hero… I’m not a hero.” 

“Pfft, are you pouting? My cute little dongsaeng, of course you’re a hero. What else would we call someone like you? Besides, even if you hadn’t saved everyone time and time again, you’ve saved me.” 

“Agh, stop!” Cale pushes Alberu away when he sees the smirk on the man’s face. 

“You’re cute when you blush.”

“Your royal highness, the sun of the Roan Kingdom, the light of hope for me and your citizens… please stop talking.”

“Why would I stop talking? I’m just stating a fact.”

“Please turn off your glib tongue.”

“I’m not using my glib tongue. Cale, you’ve done more for me than you know. You’re my hero. Truly.”

Cale buries his face in Alberu’s chest, jokingly and lightly hitting his side.

“Cute.~”

“I’m so honored to have the brightest star, the benevolent sun whose heroic nature and great reputation exceeds me, recognize my charming qualities which pale in comparison.”

“While I—”

Cale pushes his pointer finger up to the third prince’s lips, effectively silencing him. He can feel Alberu smirk against his finger.

“Ah, as much as I treasure and love the beautiful voice of such a shining individual, if you don’t stop talking I won’t talk about my childhood.”

Alberu continues to be quiet after the threat. He obviously wants to learn more about Cale, about the person he was before they had met. Cale chuckles at his victory. 

“Okay, well I was born into a pretty average family. My parents died in a car accident when I was young, so I was an orphan until I was a legal adult.”

Alberu frowns. He wishes he had known so maybe Cale wouldn’t have to talk about this. Cale’s voice is monotone, as though he’s just stating facts, as though all this pain and hardship wasn’t something he had gone through.

“It wasn’t totally horrible. I mean, the kids at the orphanage were annoying from time to time, but honestly I think it’s just because we hadn’t learned how to cope with the loss of our family, with the fact that some family members wouldn’t take us in.”

“What about the staff? Surely they could help?”

“They weren’t great. I mean, I’m sure that they were trying their hardest to take care of all the kids, but they were too negligent, unaware of any mental health issues or bullying going on. With them, it never felt like home. It was suffocating staying with everyone, with children who felt so similar to me— we were just lost in our grief sometimes…”

“Cale…”

“I’m fine now. As a kid, I think all that stress is what led to me reading so much. I could get lost in all those make believe worlds, I would bury myself in books so that I could forget everything else around me. Every waking moment was consumed with finding a new novel, imagining what characters would do in certain situations, thinking about how I would yell at some characters for not taking care of themselves… reading was an escape and a way for me to feel less alone I suppose.” Cale looks at the man in front of him, so undeniably real. “And I’m not. I’m not alone.”

“Good thing you read that book, huh?”

“Yeah. I don't know where I’d be without you all.”

‘I don’t even know if I’d be alive’ goes unsaid.

“So, how did your world get like that? From what you’ve said so far, it doesn’t sound like monsters were around when you were a child, no?”

“Thank whatever gods out there that it wasn’t always like that. The cataclysm began when I was twenty years old. Back then I had a part-time job at a restaurant. When the monsters came, part of the building caved in killing both the humans and monsters. I was the only survivor.”

Alberu holds Cale’s hands in his own, noting how cold they are.

“It was hard… I couldn’t find an exit in that building. The way I survived was to curl up in a dirty corner for, I think three days…? I could only drink the rainwater that fell from a hole in the floor above me.”

“I’m sorry you experienced such a thing. I can’t imagine needing to go through that when I was your age…”

“No one should ever have to go through something like that. I’m glad you can’t imagine going through it. I’m glad you can’t see yourself in such a situation.”

A beat.

“So, how did you get out of the building?”

“Do you remember Lee Soo Hyuk?” Cale has a melancholic smile on his face as he asks. 

Alberu ignores the jealous twinge in his chest effectively smushing it when thinking of how in the end, Cale had called him hyung first.

“Ah yes, the one who picked a fight with me by claiming he was your hyung as well.”

Cale chuckles.

“Yes, him. That attitude of his hadn’t changed even in that world. Just as I had given up hope, I saw his face through a hole in the wall. His eyes were so full of worry and care, but I could tell he was a man who had fought hard to survive within the last few days. I don’t think I could ever forget what he looked like back then.”

“He was your hero?”

“Yeah. He still is.”

Seeing the practically lovestruck look on Cale’s face, (well the look wasn’t totally apparent considering how straight-faced Cale is normally but Alberu interpreted it as such), he couldn’t help feeling possessive. Some part of him wanted to ask Cale what he would do if he had to choose between him and Lee Soo Hyuk. He would never ask of course, Cale obviously admired the man who saved his life, and it would just be rude to ask that when he suspects that man had died. (Of course, the high probability that Cale would pick the other man over him lies in the back of his mind.)

Instead of voicing his twisted thoughts aloud, Alberu gives Cale an affirmative hum to let him know he’s listening.

“The first words I told him were, “ I am hungry ,” and I remember the brief look of surprise on his cool face before he smiled at me for the first time. He threw me a chocolate bar and moved the debris out of the way before pulling me out from the building.”

“He pulled you out… did he hold your hand when doing so?”

“Yes?”

“I see.” Alberu possessively cradles Cale’s hand closer to his chest.

Cale is confused by the action, but he doesn’t draw his hand away.

“After saving me, we travelled around together for a while before he brought me and a few others into a shelter where we could be safe. He saved everyone indiscriminately, not caring about what abilities we had or what our uses could be… he was stupidly kind.”

“You’re stupidly kind as well.”

“I think you’re mistaken, I’m trash.”

Alberu pinches Cale’s cheek.

“Haah, you bastard— if you’re trash the rest of the world must be livestock excrement in comparison.” Not wanting Cale to refute him, he asks again about Lee Soo Hyuk. “So, what was he like overall? I didn’t get to have many chances to talk with him since some were made uncomfortable by my appearance as that monster.”

“Mmm… if I had to describe him in one word, it would be “selfless”. After staying with us in the shelter for a while, he left in the direction of Seomyeon, Busan to go save others. I remember him running himself ragged towards the beginning of the cataclysm. Early on he was still fairly slim before he built up muscle, but I remember being shocked when I saw him again and his cheeks were slightly hollowed. He looked so tired and he was always caked in old monster blood he claimed he didn’t have the time to wash off. Appearances aside, it was also obvious that he never liked to plan for the future. Other than talking about the farm with Choi Jung Soo and I, he didn’t seem optimistic about his survival. The dream of us having a farm together probably was just a dream for him— something that would be a miracle if it came true, but he didn’t have too much hope for.”

“He seems like a great guy.”

“He was. When I first met him I wouldn’t have believed that pretty scrawny guy could achieve all that he had. He was just one person, but he managed to blow all of us away.”

“And when he wasn’t saving people?”

“I mean… he was practically always saving people, but during moments of rest he could be like you.”

“Like me?”

“Well, he’s not nearly as cunning and calculative, and rather than a glib tongue he’s just naturally good at complimenting others, but he and Choi Jung Soo would tease me often, trying to make me blush or complimenting me excessively like you do. He’d understand me and my intentions as well as notice the smallest of changes.”

“Oh I love when you flatter me.”

“I was talking about Lee Soo Hyuk,” Cale lets out a raspy chuckle, throat a bit tired from talking and crying so much.

“Ah, but you said I was similar to him in some ways. I’m honored.”

“You’re insufferable.” Cale lightheartedly rolls his eyes.

“And you’re impossible you crazy bastard.” 

Alberu’s retort is full of fondness. So much fondness that Cale isn’t quite sure how to respond, so he opts for talking about Choi Jung Soo instead.

“As for Choi Jung Soo… other than his puppy-like qualities, I wouldn’t know he was related to Choi Han.”

“Puppy-like qualities? I can see what you mean with Choi Han— he’s so loyal and he practically barks at anyone who so much as looks at you wrong, but the man I met in your test just seemed docile.”

“That’s because you came to Earth 2 months, if not years, before Choi Jung Soo and I were close. In my world he was like a giant over-enthused puppy, constantly begging for attention and jumping onto you to shower you with affection the second you turned away.”

“Hah, that’s cute.”

“Yeah, he’s cute, though if he ever heard me say that he’d never let me live it down. Docile Choi Jung Soo is cute as well. You’d never guess how excitable he was if you’d only met him a couple times.”

“Without being able to personally see how you all worked together, I can still say you guys seem like you’d make a good team. Lee Soo Hyuk watching over you and understanding you while Choi Jung Soo is constantly by your side to make sure you don’t do anything stupid…”

“Why do you say that like I’m always about to do something stupid?”

“Sacrificing yourself counts as doing something stupid.”

“I don’t sacrifice myself.”

Alberu can only raise an eyebrow and send a disbelieving stare Cale’s way.

“Cale, I’m almost one hundred percent sure they wanted you to have a farm with them so they could keep an eye on you.”

Cale was about to retort until he remembered his talk with his Lee Soo Hyuk, how he told Cale to have a farm with Choi Jung Soo’s paternal uncle once removed and the kids in return for one of his abilities… 

“Ah shit, you’re right. Lee Soo Hyuk told me to have a farm here with the children and Choi Han.”

“Puhwa!” Alberu tilts his head back as he laughs. “Maybe I would have gotten along with them as well. I feel like we’d all exasperatedly shake our heads in disapproval at your injuries and self-sacrificial actions.”

The thought of everyone together makes Cale’s chest feel warm. Yes, that’d be the dream. For everyone to happily live together with him. But he knows that dream is unattainable no matter what he does.

“For me,” Cale reflects, “being with them was like having a home for the first time. I mean it sucks doesn’t it? To have finally found a home only after the cataclysm. The only time I truly felt loved and wanted after so many years was after society had practically fallen apart. It was cruel… to go to sleep not knowing if that day was the last day we’d all be alive.” A pause. “It was a bit fucked up of me to not tell them “I love you” like they wish I had… like I wish I had… I just hope that they knew.”

“I’m sure they did.”

“Even so, I wish I had said it, even if it was just once… If only I had overcome my shyness and my pride to tell them how much I cared for them and how much they meant to me.”

“Cale, didn’t you say Lee Soo Hyuk told you to farm with the kids? That means he’s seen your actions and he knows about them, about us, your other friends and family. I’m sure he’s seen how hard you were hit by their deaths or how it affects you even now. Dongsaeng, actions mean more than words sometimes and it’s quite obvious through your actions just how much you truly care. I’m sure they know, and if they didn’t their collective IQ must be lower than Toonka’s.”

“But—”

“Aigoo! No buts. Cale Henituse, regardless of whether or not you were able to cry for them at their funerals or were able to explicitly tell them how you felt, it doesn’t change the fact that you loved them; that you still do.”

Cale’s emotions were a mess. He’s gone from smiling to crying multiple times within the past hour, and quite frankly he’s emotionally exhausted, but he deserves this cry. He had been wondering for so long whether or not they’d be proud of him now, wondering if they had died feeling unloved or regretful, wondering how long they could have lived if he wasn’t there to be a hindrance.

He cries, and his voice is wobbly and thick with tears. “When I came here and woke up, not as Kim Rok Soo, but as Cale Henituse, I felt relieved. I was so sure that no one would miss me when I was gone. Hearing people day after day talking about how ruthless, unfeeling, and cruel I was because I couldn’t cry… I truly felt that everyone was better off without me. And some part of me was relieved, relieved at the fact that i wouldn’t need to see those monsters again, that people here didn’t know me as Kim Rok Soo, the guy who wasn’t able to cry for those he loved the most… I just— I’m so selfish, it was so horrible of me to think those things.”

“Cale, after being under the stress of that situation for years I think you’re allowed to have felt relief.”

“I claimed to have loved my team, but I thought Jung So Hoon and Kim Min Ah would’ve been fine, and I barely gave them a second thought after deciding that for them. My immediate thoughts weren’t about how to get back there so I could make sure they were safe, but rather how to save myself as Cale Henituse in this universe. Thinking back on it sometimes, it makes me wonder if I ever truly cared for them. What if it was all an act? What if everyone had been right— that I was a cruel, cold-hearted bastard who ditched everyone and moved on as quickly as I could? I was so confused, so I just stopped thinking about them. Out of sight, out of mind, right?”

Cale is hiccuping now, shaking in Alberu’s arms and once again clinging onto the fabric of the dark-elf’s outfit.

“Cale, I don’t think someone who didn’t care would be feeling all this guilt. While yes, you’re calculative and a schemer sometimes, you would never plan out something like this. I’ve seen you sacrifice yourself more times than I can count, and each time you’d throw yourself in harm's way for the sake of others, not knowing what would happen to you. Planned or not, that’s something not everyone can do, so the fact that you’ve done it over and over just attests to how much you care.” Alberu has never been one for heart-to-heart conversations like this since he’s just like Cale; he’ll bottle everything up until it eventually explodes, but Sun God above, he just wants Cale to realize that him, his feelings, and his doubts are okay. “Dongsaeng, I don’t know if you know this, but you rarely cry. Didn’t you realize why we were all so shocked when you had finally woken up the day you received that note from the God of Death? You always seem so strong and well put-together, so to see you looking so vulnerable, smiling to reassure us that you were okay even as tears streamed down your face for the first time in years… Cale, none of us doubt the sincerity of your tears. All night you’ve been crying for those you had left behind; those feelings aren’t fake, not to you, not to us, not to them. Okay?”

Cale nods into the crook of Alberu’s neck, his chest stuttering with his sniffly, shaky inhales.

“There’s got to be multiple parallel universes, right?” Cale’s shaky voice asks a rhetorical question. Alberu nods in response anyways, letting the man know to continue. “Then… I just hope that on some Earth or other parallel universe that Lee Soo Hyuk, Choi Jung Soo, the others, and I are able to meet naturally and become friends… family .  A universe without the cataclysm where, regardless of whether or not we have abilities, we’re able to be happy. After all, being alive is the best , isn’t it?”

“You all deserve it.”

“We do,” Cale agrees, though he’s still a bit hesitant to allow himself to be included in that. “Choi Jung Soo and his family deserve to live happily and peacefully, Lee Soo Hyuk deserves to have become a cool actor, Park Jin Tae and the others from the shelter deserve to have full lives, and I…” There’s a small inhale as Cale tries to psyche himself up. “I deserve to have a home and people that I love in my life.”

Alberu smiles, wholeheartedly agreeing.

“Yes, you all do.”

The prince wipes away the last few tears that Cale cries.

Shortly after, the room falls into silence as Cale stops hiccuping and sniffling. Though this time, it’s not an unpleasant, anxiety-inducing silence for Cale. 

Pulling himself away, Cale can’t help but to apologize after seeing the sorry state of Alberu’s outfit: wet with tears, wrinkled from Cale gripping onto him, and maybe, just maybe a bit of snot on his collar.

“Heh, I’m sorry for messing up your shirt.” 

“No, it’s an honor for my attire to be blessed with the tears of Roan Kingdom’s hero, Young Silver Shield. Truly, such an important historical artifact deserves to be preserved with the utmost amount of care so that it may be treasured and inspire citizens from across the continent.”

“That’s…”

The two of them snicker, appreciating the hold of each other for just a few moments longer before pulling back. Alberu can’t help but to find Cale beautiful as he’s illuminated by the moonlight, an unburdened and genuine smile on his face.

“Cale.”

The red-haired man turns to look up at Alberu questioningly.

“I know that we’ll have a tomorrow and that today is not our last day, but I love you.”

“Wha—?”

“Those are the words I wish to say to you. I truly do love you Cale Henituse. I don’t wish to regret not saying these words to you.”

Cale is thrown for a loop, and he’s not quite sure why his heart is racing, but he responds without hesitation. “I love you too, Alberu Crossman. Thank you, not just for tonight, but for everything you’ve done.”

Cale truly is grateful to Alberu for everything.

They get ready to leave the study, each about to go their respective ways as Cale’s guest room is on the other side of the castle floor’s wing, when Cale grabs onto Alberu’s sleeve.

“Cale?”

“You’re my hero, hyung.”

Upon saying the words he knows Alberu had wanted to hear the most, he brusquely walks towards his room, trying to look as unaffected as possible, but not before wishing the prince a goodnight.

Maybe in the near future, when Cale is sure that a tomorrow will come for all of them, and when he’s able to finally forgive himself, will he be able to tell Alberu a different kind of “I love you”. 

Maybe then he will find a special home.