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Everything was loud and blurry in the room. The music blasting through the speakers, making the glass of the coffee table where Felix's friends were playing Uno vibrate along the beat. He didn't know if his vision was foggy because of the smokers in the room or the last three consecutive shots he took down a few minutes ago. Probably both.
"Uno! And I win!" Shouted Jeongin through a full smile, placing his last to cards in the table with a little too much strength.
"Oh, fuck you!" Screamed Jisung back, throwing his eight cards too, now defeated.
"Don't be a sore loser and pay."
And with that Jisung rose from where he was sitting in the couch, groaning like an old man, and gave everyone in their circle of friends a look. "Anyone else wants anything? I'm only making one trip to the kitchen." Everyone screamed different brands of alcohol they were craving in reply, which Jisung only sighed at.
"Let's go, I'll help you carry the bottles" said Minho while standing too, a mischievous smile on his face.
When they were gone, everyone in their group of friends looked at each other and laughed.
"For how long will they continue to do this thinking we have no idea about them?" asked Changbin swinging his head in disbelief.
"Leave them alone," laughed Chan, shoving his shoulder, "Maybe they feel better this way."
"Oh trust me, they sure as hell feel better this way. I'm Jisung's roommate, remember?" Complained Hyunjin with a disgustasted frown, followed by gaging noises from Jeongin.
As they waited for their friends, who they didn't even bothered or wanted to look for in the kitchen, the conversation kept flowing. As easy as always, they all laughed together, everyone between tipsy and drunk. The only one sober was Chan, who had signed himself up for the role of the designated driver. God bless Bang Chan and his fatherly instincts. He was looking over them at the party, as he did always. And Felix couldn't keep his eyes of them as much as he tried. He knew he was staring, but in his drunken state he really didn't care. Chan was beautiful under the fluorescent purple, pink and blue lights that kept switching over his face. Casting all shades of colors on his hair. It made his heart tug a little, maybe skip a beat or two.
How could someone be sitting right there in front of him, and still feel unreachable?
"Hey Chris!" called for his attention Hyunjin, in his best English, "Your phone is ringing" He pointed out at the pocket of the older's skinny jeans, his phone screen lighted up and vibrating.
As he took it out the silliest of smiles formed on his lips.
"Is Sana, I'll be right back" he announced standing up, answering and trying to make his way of the house to a quieter place in the backyard.
"Tell her we miss her!"
"Beer pong is not the same without her!"
All his friends shouted something at him, in hopes of the girl hearing them. Chan rolled his eyes and giggled at them, nodding. Of course he was going to tell her. Felix said nothing. He remained silent looking at the now empty bottle in his hand. He didn't know when he had finished it that quick.
"Man I do miss her 'tho" Changbin let out, only the five of them left.
"Do you think they are gonna get back together?" asked Jeongin curiously.
Nobody really knew that. But it was bound to happen eventually, right? There has never existed a more perfect couple than the two of them. Chan and Sana had met at the gym, as hilarious for their friends that was, because "Obviously Chan would meet the girl of his dreams at the gym, it just makes sense!". The gym had a dance practice room connected to it, and in her way to one of her workshops, Chris had managed to bump into her. He always says it wasn't on purpose, and of course it wasn't, everyone knew Chan could be clumsy like that. But they loved to tease the hell out of him anyways, saying it was a lame move to get her attention. Whether it was intentional or not, it had worked. Sana had looked into his eyes, and smiled. And that was it. Within a week they were going on their fourth date, and maybe that was too much for certain people, but not for them. They were the pieces in the puzzle that were bound to find each other. Sana always teasing Chan, him teasing back before laughing his heart out with the tips of his ears inked red. And Sana was the coolest girl they all had ever known, everyone liked her, even if you didn't want to like her.
As Felix sometimes felt like. Selfishly, sometimes he wished he could dislike her. Hate her. But he really couldn't. Not when Sana got along with all of them, or had helped Jeongin out on his finals being a few years older than him. Not when she had carried Jisung to the bathroom when he had too much to drink at the party and was all alone because he got lost. He couldn't hate her when one time she found Felix crying over a stupid bad grade that made him feel awful, waiting outside of Chan's room for comfort because uni is stressful and it can really mess with you. And she didn't say anything, she sat beside him and rubbed her hand against his back until he stopped sobbing. And most importantly, Felix couldn't hate her when she made Chan smile like that against the phone, even a thousand miles away from him.
Sana had majored in dancing, and scored a place at a famous company some months ago along with two of her best friends. It was ideal, doing what she loved, touring across different places teaching workshops and performing. But all of that meant being months gone from home. From Chris. They had talked it out, they both ended up agreeing into being apart, both physically and romantically. They ended their one year old relationship in good terms, always civil and adults, no messy crying or screaming or broken hearts in sight. They just knew that was the right thing to do for both of them. She never knew when she'd be back for good, or how long it'd pass until she had to leave on tour again with the company. Even their break up was perfect.
They had still stayed in contact five months later, remaining best friends that called or texted every single day, updating the other. Chan always wore the same whipped smile even though Sana couldn't see.
"I really can't believe they aren't together anymore, I thought we'd all get way too drunk and give the worst, most embarrassing speech ever at their wedding" Hyunjin hiccupped at the end, swinging a little even though he was sitting on the couch, too much alcohol in his system.
"And you'd be the first one to cry your eyes out at the sight of them" Seungmin laughed.
"No! That's obviously Changbin!" fought back Jin, really believing his statement.
"Hey Lix, you alright?" asked Jeongin at his left.
Why wouldn't he be?
But who was he kidding. He really felt like crying. Why couldn't he be the one that was expected to be perfect for Chan? Why couldn't he be the one his friends saw him going down the finish line with? But of course, they would never even think about that.
Nobody knew Felix had been in love with his best friend for the last four years. He had made sure nobody could ever find out, especially the boy in question. And he went through all the phases in those for years. The simple crush, starting as "do I think I like you because you are a very good friend, or do I actually like you?". Then moved along to denying his growing crush, until the point he couldn't anymore and (with a lot of ice cream and Taylor Swift songs) he came to terms with liking the oldest. Then one day, during winter, Felix was on his way back to the dorm shivering and with his hands shaking uncontrollably inside the pockets of his jacket. He had opened the door only to find the light on, the heating on, and the smell of hot chocolate bathing the dorm he shared with Seungmin, who was still in class. Sitting on the bed, laptop on his lap, was Chan wrapped in a giant fluffy blanket, who looked up to him when he entered.
"Oh, you are home! I prepared some hot chocolate for the both of us, come in or all the warmth will leave the room" he exclaimed, opening the blanket.
Chan knew he never took the cold weather well, as he even felt cold during summer sometimes.
That was the moment Felix brain went: Fuck, I'm so in love with you.
So then he was in love, and eventually whipped for the boy. It was inevitable, Felix believed anyone would fall for someone so... so... Him. Someone who made him feel appreciated and cared for. Someone that actually giggled at Sponge Bob and sang the entire opening song of Pokemon, with big dramatic gestures, standing on the couch while doing so. Christopher Bang, the boy with the heart of gold Felix would never have.
"Yeah," Felix replied to Jeongin worried eyes, not being able to look back at them, in fear of getting caught in his lie, "I just need to go to the bathroom, some air, I don't know" he mumbled, standing up and falling forward a little. He forgot the tequila shots he took before the vodka ones.
As he was leaving Chan was coming back, and they crashed into each other. Felix wanted to laugh and cry at the same time at something so silly. Because maybe in another life he was the one that Chris crashed onto, and he was the one that ended up inside his heart.
"Where are you going?" Chan asked, stabilizing the both of them by grabbing Felix by his shoulder. His hand was warm as always, but Felix thought his touch was burning him for a second, so he stepped aside to get past him.
"Umh, upstairs?" he didn't mean to sound so unsure, but he was getting desperate, he needed to leave the room.
"Do you want me to go with you?"
No.
No.
No.
"Yeah."
Fuck himself and the alcohol in his system that took over his rational thoughts.
Chan only nodded in agreement, made a sign to their friends behind them and grabbed Felix forearm to help him walk up the stairs. He didn't know when he had gotten so bad he really felt his legs like jelly. Whether it was his intoxicated state, or Chan's intoxicating presence. They went up like they could, bumping into other people at the party, asking couples that were making out at the stairs to please let them pass through. They looked at the unfamiliar hallway, not knowing which door let to anything. It was one of Hyunjin's fratboy friends party, as always. And Felix didn't even remember how was the frat house called. So they tried the first door, only to find a bedroom and another couple with little to nothing of clothes on. Chan let out a yelp and hurried to close the door. The second one was another bedroom, but luckily for them this one was empty. So Felix entered and Chan followed. Neither of them bothered to turn on the lights, there was a small balcony where the streetlight and the moon shine passed through, illuminating the room in dim, blue tones. Felix sat in the bed next to it, breathing in the cold breeze of the night. Maybe that would sober him up a bit.
Neither of them said anything for some minutes that passed, just sat there in comfortable silence. Or well, as silent it could be with a party blasting downstairs and really drunk people outside the door — which they had locked, just in case some making out couple would come in.
The freckled boy saw him texting by the corner of his eyes, and he really, really didn't want to ask. But he was a masochist.
"So, how is Sana?"
At that Chan looked up and blocked his screen, giving him a small smile.
"She's alright, busy but you know her, still makes time to have some fun." He laughed a little at that, "It's girls night out so she was with Momo and Nayeon, lost a dare and had to call me and pretend she was some delivery guy, I don't know, they are just like that."
Felix let out a honest laugh too.
"Maybe she could have fooled me if she hadn't forgotten to hide her number" and at that Felix threw his head back, his body vibrating with laughter. Chan laughed by his side too, just more collected as he was the one sober. Their shoulders and arms were pressing against each other, their knees too. Neither of them had realized how close they were, they never did anyway. It was just second nature to always be a tiny bit physical in some way. It was because of that proximity that Chan still felt Felix shoulders shaking, even when he had stopped laughing, so he looked at him. Only to find a sobbing Felix, eyes lost on the ground beneath their feet.
"Fuck, Felix, what's wrong?"
Felix wanted to talk, to lie, to say something to keep Chan's attention away from him. To dismiss him and be left alone so he could cry his heart out. But there was a giant knot on his throat that made it difficult for him. So he shook his head in a silent "no", hoping that would be interpreted as "nothing is wrong". It was kind of hard to believe when his cheeks were turning red from the nonstop crying.
"Felix, I need you to talk to me, okay?" Chan grabbed his chin, turning his head so they could be at the same eye level, "Did something happen at the party?" He shook his head again, "Alright, then what is it?"
He felt it coming. The vomit climbing up through his throat. But it wasn't the few slices of pizza he had eaten for lunch. It was words vomit, the worst kind. So he stood up abruptly, getting a little dizzy while doing so. He took some steps at the other side of the room, his breathing turning erratic, trying to calm down. Everything felt too much. The alcohol, the music, the noise, his headache, the gigantic rock that he felt crushing against his chest. Chris. Chris was too much for him to handle. And when you have been madly, stupidly in love with your best friend for so long, there's a moment you reach your limit.
Unluckily, this was it.
"There's something I haven't told you" Felix slurred the words, his tongue feeling heavy, no daring to look back.
Chan stayed in silence for him to continue, but when he noticed the blonde wouldn't go on, he decided to speak.
"That's okay, Lix, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Do you wanna tell me now?"
Felix wanted to scream, for real. So he literally growled and tried kicking a pillow that had fallen of the bed, totally missing his shot.
"Just... just... stop that! Please!"
The older walked to him but stopped before entering his personal bubble.
"Stop what?"
"Stop being so goddamn nice! It's driving me crazy." Felix's voice was louder now, deeper and husky from the crying, and he knew deep inside him that he had to stop there. Before he would let things slip out, things he could never take back.
"I'm really having trouble to understand anything of what's happening now, Yongbok."
Oh no. Not the full name. That was such a Chan move he couldn't help but to grin.
"Oh, fuck off, for real" their eyes connected, and Felix noticed the other boys brows furrowed, concern written all over his face, and maybe the lack of patience starting to show, "Fuck you and your good manners, Chan. Fuck you for being so incredibly nice! Why couldn't you be like every other guy? Why couldn't you be some random douche so I could have a legitimate reason to hate you?"
All sign of irritation washed off in a second at the last sentence, and something inside Felix twisted at the hurt expression his friend was now wearing.
"You... you hate me?" Chan asked in disbelief.
Felix felt like the world was playing some weird joke on him. A really mean one.
"No! The problem is that I fucking love you!"
Silence.
And then there was an awful beeping noise in his ears, like a heart monitor alerting of a flat line. Maybe it was, because Felix forgot how to breathe for a moment.
"Shit, I... I mean..." he didn't know how to save himself. And maybe he didn't feel like doing so anymore. Felix was tired, like this was it. This was the moment he was letting it all out because he would never do so. It wasn't the most perfect, romantic, cinematic moment, as his hands were shaking just like his voice. And beneath his feet the floor was vibrating too. He felt too present all of the sudden, even sobered up in the situation. Fuck it, he thought. A million things to say crossed his mind in a second, everything he ever daydreamed of confessing. Like how he always admired Chan for his kind, reasonable nature, and the way he was even too good for his own sake sometimes. How every bit of him made him fall. Like his voice humming lullabies when they were watching a movie and Felix started to fall asleep, encouraging him to do so. How every time Chan held his hands, his breath would get stuck a little in his rib cage, and exhale only when looking at him.
Out of everything he wanted to say, what he left out wasn’t any of them.
"Can I kiss you?" He asked, the words slipping out of his mouth before realizing.
Chan was still looking at him; he had been trying to figure out the turmoil that was going on inside his head by the changes on his face. Eyes clouded with a mix of many emotions that Felix couldn't quite decipher himself.
"Or can you kiss me?” He tried, switching his weight to his other leg, growing impatient of just not knowing what the hell he was doing. “I just... I was..." I was hoping for a first and last. "You can totally say no, of course. it's okay. You know what? I don't know what I'm even thinking, I..."
Felix was so lost in all his mumbling he didn't see when Chan took three big steps, closing the distance he had given the freckled boy. He was so lost until everything stopped, until he couldn't keep going anymore with lips pressed against his. It took him a second.
Chan's lips were on his.
He was kissing him.
Some part of him wanted to laugh because of how cliché from a kdrama he must look, just standing there in place, everything going slow motion, processing what was happening. But he couldn't afford wasting any of that, so he kissed back. Felix's hands were cupping Chan's face, holding on for dear life as he felt completely unstable on his feet. The kiss was clumsy at first, neither of them used at each other, but it didn't matter. When Felix pushed, Chan pushed back, and so they found a rhythm. And when the older put his hand in Felix's hip, dragging him closer to his body, he really thought that his heart was going to leave his chest with how loud it was jumping against his ears.
For a moment he let himself imagine. Imagine it was just the two of them on a Sunday morning in the kitchen, cups of coffee running cold on the isle. Or it was the two of them, kissing in the middle of the dance floor at some club their friends had yet again dragged them to. Kissing on the beach during a summer trip back home, in the same ones he spent all his childhood. Kissing under the mistletoe with carols in the background.
He didn't know if he also imagined Chan smiling into the kiss.
As abrupt as it had started, it ended, leaving Felix breathless. Gasping for air while he tried to focus his blurry vision and stable his erratic heart. Chan had stepped back, leaving him some space again, and couldn't stop staring, chest raising and falling quickly too. His warm, chocolate eyes seemed to be trying hard to figure something out, looking for answers in Felix's face. All he could read was surprise in the smile tugging at the corners of his lips, and heartache in the way his brows were furrowing.
Neither of them said anything for a minute that felt endless. And then they were back to reality when they heard a loud crash inside the house, like broken glass, and Minho threatening someone in the distance. When their eyes met again, Chan looked serious.
"Lix, I'm still..."
"In love with Sana," The blonde hurried to finish, maybe that way it wouldn't hurt as much. "I know, it's obvious."
Please don't say it. Please.
"I'm sorry."
A dry huff escaped Felix's lips as he covered his face with his hands, rubbing it before running his fingers through his hair and tugging a little at the strands. He wanted to leave. He wanted his heart and head to stop hurting so much. So he swallowed, and gained courage to spare the boy in front of him a last look.
"I'll talk to you when I'm... I'm feeling better, okay?" Please let me forget you, even if I don't even know how I'll do that. "Bye, Chan."
Everything was burning. The fire in the pit of his stomach. The tears in his eyes. And Chan's gaze in his back as he left the room.