Chapter Text

Prologue

The memories of the clan are vivid, almost moving and Hashirama can hear them talk like the voices came from black reproductor boxes. It's like watching a movie in a vivacious order that wouldn't make sense to a strange that would get his hands on the memories. 

But the memories were Hashirama's and he held them dear. They were the only things Hashirama could ever own. They shaped who he was and they weren't perfect, but were stitched together from the images Hashirama's eyes saw and his ears hear. 

The moment his cousin gave him the crystal blue necklace. Her hair was bathed in golden sun. And Hashirama felt so lucky that this was his cousin and that he could be her confidant. Maybe he should have fall down to his knees right there, admit his love for her and beg her for a place in her heart. Maybe they could just run away and be happy somewhere else, away from the haunting face of war that was ferociously swallowing their souls. 

Chapter 1

***

No one knew how the war started anymore. Who was to blame, or which clans were the worst enemies. Perhaps, it was bourgeoisie, pitting one clan against another. Or elders of the clan, who loved their revenge, battles and their hatred towards other clans.

The only thing the youngsters knew was that the war was little too long, and it wore them off. It brought only sadness and dirt. Who could believe in heavens or god anymore when there was this butchery happening under him?

New generation, new ideals. New reasons to have hatred for breakfast, lunch and dinner. In war, sometimes, the hatred was the only thing a person really owned. But it is said that the one who wants revenge needs to dig up two graves. And there were many graves on both sides.

The Senju clan wasn’t aristocratic, or wealthy. They were at the bottom of the Fire country’s barrel, together with other clans. Civilians thought of them as barbarians. It wasn't a good time to be a ninja. Yet, the clan was rotten to its core. There was a war raging outside, but in the walls of the clan, it wasn’t much different.  The times were tough, food was a currency and all they were able to do was to fight and do missions for much richer people, their daily bread.

And at the top of the Senju clan stood the almighty Senju Butsuma. A demon who was the worst of them all. People said he changed when his ex-wife left him. Other people said he had always been like that and that's why she left. No one knew where she was, but rumors said he killed her. Just like they said he killed his older brother. But that’s a story for another time.

Butsuma had only two sons left as the other two were victims of war. Fifteen year old Hashirama and fourteen year old Tobirama. Two talented children any parent would be proud of. Any parent, besides Butsuma. He wasn’t proud of them. Hashirama was problematic and Tobirama did not have a special kekkei genkai.

***

Hashirama had failed a recent mission and as punishment, he had to take care of an ailing member of the Senju clan council, Houji. Houji was a man in his thirties, suffering from a rare disease that prevented him from moving properly. His body hurt. He was quite wealthy, but no one could buy health. So, people were helping him out. Treating him with massages and by keeping him clean.

Houji knew his fate, his body would inevitably become completely paralyzed. This was pathetic for a shinobi of his caliber. He had probably just a few years to live before his breathing would become too difficult for his body to support and he would die of suffocation, turn purple, blue and then white. His wish was not to die in bed, but to take a suicide mission and perhaps take a few of those Uchiha dogs with him. Those were the only moments he smiled – when he was thinking of ending it in such a blast. It was marvelous. He didn’t say that he used to have a twin brother, Souji, often. His brother died years before him, but he was looking forward to seeing him after he would cross the mythical river. A river that severed the firm ties between twins like a knife.

Senju Hashirama was standing in front of the door, waiting for his cousin Yoruichi, who was supposed to help Hashirama care for the councilman.  She arrived just in time, with a few bottles of oils in her arms. They weren’t that close as their fathers didn’t really like each other. She was more like an acquaintance than family. She knew exactly what she was supposed to do, massaging the man’s legs and feet that were slowly losing the ability to move.

The man was lying on his futon, visibly aching.

As Yoruichi started, Hashirama followed her lead. It was an unsaid, yet known fact, that Houji was dying and wouldn’t make it past a few years.

“Houji-sama, I wish we could provide you with some professional who would be here for you all the time,” Hashirama sighed. “But my father is saving money where he can, so I doubt he would pay for your caretaker,” he added.

Houji looked at Hashirama suspiciously. He was one of Butsuma’s loyal men and this felt fishy. “Be quiet, kid.”

“I wanted to say that if I became leader of the clan now, I would pay for the nurse,” Hashirama stated. “So people like us could train to become better ninjas.”

Yoruichi couldn’t believe her ears. Hashirama was here, spreading his propaganda.

“Why don’t you stop talking, Hashirama?” Houji seemed annoyed, he wanted to smack him, bad.

“I’m sorry, sir. May I ask you – how much time do you have.. Left?” The boy asked.

Houji’s hand slipped and smacked Hashirama. “How dare you ask such a personal question!” The man was angry.

“Does this hurt?” Yoruichi asked the older man, to change the topic, to calm him down.

“Does it matter? I will die soon anyway,” said Houji, full of pessimism.

It caused Hashirama great grief. Houji was awaiting his own death and it was maybe worse than an unexpected death. He felt a strong urge to lift the heavy atmosphere.

“I think it has its perks, sir. At least you won’t ever get old and won’t smell like the elders usually smell! I kind of envy you,” Hashirama laughed out loud.

He was the only one laughing.

There was a grave silence. Yoruichi didn’t dare to speak.

“What were you saying, you brat?!” Houji barked and slapped Hashirama across the face.

Hashirama’s head turned and he frowned. “I was trying to find positives in your situation and we all can agree that it’s great that you will forever be remembered as a young man while most of the people will get old!” Hashirama said to defend myself.

“I will beat that humour out of you, you rude scallywag!” Houji grabbed Hashirama’s hair and slammed his face against the floor. And then again.

Yoruichi just watched Hashirama, disappointed.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you angry!” Hashirama screeched, feeling blood dripping from his nose. His intentions were good, yet Houji seemed insulted.

“Get out of here! Your father will know about this, I will make sure of that!” Houji screamed at Hashirama.

“Please don’t tell my father,” Hashirama stood up, pleading, his eyes started to fill with tears.

“I will inform him about your disrespectful behavior!” Houji said. “Leave.”

Hashirama took a deep breath and left the house. And there, on a lonely street, he started to cry. Not because of the beating, but because of how misunderstood he felt. About the embarrassment he just created for himself. How his whole clan would call him a problematic airhead, again. No matter what he did, he always felt like the outcast no one took seriously. 

***

Yoruichi finished Houji’s treatment late in the afternoon, just before the sun set. Hashirama’s scared expression when he upset Houji-sama still lingered in her mind. So, she decided to go home, grab some gyoza her older sister made and visit her cousin.

She found Hashirama sitting on the stairs of the veranda of his house. He seemed pensive, with his hand supporting his head, still in the clothes he earlier visited Houji in. They didn’t talk much although they were the same age, but she felt sorry for him.

“I brought you gyoza dumplings,” Yoruichi said and sat next to Hashirama on the stairs. She could see he was feeling bad and maybe the food would help. “My sister made them for you. I figured you’d be hungry.”

Hashirama felt like everyone was against him and it didn’t feel fair to him. He was degraded. How could Houji even dare to hurt him, the future leader of the clan? But he smiled at Yoruichi, like he was brave, like nothing was happening. “Thank you,” he couldn’t eat as his stomach was too tied. Then smiled at Yoruichi again, with his typical brave, fake smile.

“You made Houji-sama very angry. It took a while to calm him down. I tried to convince him not to tell your father and the council,” Yoruichi explained. “Is this the way all your visits go?”

“Honestly, yes, I’m used to being kicked out..” Hashirama replied evenly. He didn’t want to show his weakness.

Yoruichi didn’t know how to talk to Hashirama. If she were to tell him he was acting like a fool and he should be ashamed, it wouldn’t bring the wanted result. “I want to tell you something. Don’t ever talk to Houji-sama about his sickness. I’m aware you meant well, but you’ve hurt him with your words. He feels like a burden. You need to behave like he’s healthy. You can’t ask him how much time he has left!”

Hashirama raised his arms into the air, gesticulating. “I wanted him to show me his guts! I wanted to give him a chance to be honest! Look around. We live here in in this hell hole among people who pretend it’s alright to send children to die! Everyone is pretending he’s just a little sick, but he’s dying, like it is supposed to be a secret!” Hashirama spoke with passion. “It feels like everyone in our clan has a secret,” Hashirama lowered his head, “I’m tired of this.” 

Yoruichi frowned at Hashirama. There was some truth to what he said. Everyone seemed to have a secret. “Perhaps he doesn’t want to show his guts to a pubescent boy. Trust me. My mother is gravely ill, too. And if you told her what you’ve said to Houji-sama, you would make her cry. If this was a mission, you failed,” She reminded him.

“I won’t do as the rest of you want,” Hashirama furrowed his eyebrows.

“Why did you tell him the clan is saving money?”

“Because I wanted to show him that my father doesn’t care. And that one day, I will be a much better leader than he is. But Houji is on my father’s side, like everyone is!” Hashirama swallowed around a lump in his throat. “Why… Why do you want to be like everyone, Yoruichi?”

“I could ask you the same thing. Why are you trying so hard to be different from us? Better and smarter?” She retorted without missing a beat. Hashirama lived in a different universe than everyone else and seldom could they reason with him. She knew she couldn’t do anything about it.

“I’m not better, neither am I smarter, Yoruichi. I’m trying to open your eyes. The conditions in this clan are terrible! Everyone is scared to talk about how they feel! This is not how life is supposed to work and it will never work,” Hashirama closed his eyes. “Someone died on a mission because of me, and I was punished for it. And after that, no one really cared about the death. They punished me for losing their chess piece, not for ruining someone’s actual life!” Hashirama grabbed the wooden railing surrounding the steps. No one in the clan was insightful enough to understand. “Children are dying. And after they die, everyone pretends like they never existed.”

Yoruichi looked sadly at Hashirama. “One day you will lead this clan and you will get to do whatever you want,” the thought was scary to her. Hashirama appeared unhinged and unwell. “Or someone will stop you.”

“Maybe you are right. The council is against me, the council members only complain about me and don’t trust me at all. When I try to recommend a solution, they act like I’m creating problems, they don’t respect me at all,” Hashirama felt helpless.

“Are you surprised? Everyone hears about you all the time, usually not in a good way. You can’t gain people’s respect when you get kicked out of an execution of a sentence? You can’t ask council members, who have much more experience than you do, to respect you. You’re making fatal mistakes on missions. And if your father finds out what you said to Houji-sama, he will be embarrassed. You can’t blame everyone for being angry with you!” Yoruichi scolded Hashirama. Somehow, she felt for him. Like him, she was considered the least gifted kid of her father. If someone was the embarrassment, it was her. And whether Hashirama felt similar.

Her words hurt Hashirama. He knew he was an embarrassment. Although he didn’t particularly like his father, embarrassing him felt wrong. Maybe he really did talk too much. But in this clan, he was the only one who spoke out against injustice,  everyone else was content and quiet, silently following the leader. 

“Thanks for reminding me,” Hashirama said gloomily. “I should rest. Who knows what Houji-san will tell the council tomorrow,” he added and stood up, not even touching the dumplings. He was angry with Yoruichi. Actually, he wanted to cry and weep, but not in front of her. That would be even more embarrassing.

“I’m sorry,” she knew she was being cruel. Although Hashirama made her angry, she didn’t have a reason to jump on him like that.  She was just projecting her own insecurities onto him, because she knew how it felt to feel useless and unable to defend herself anymore.

Hashirama smiled glowingly at her, because he didn’t want to show a sign of weakness. “It’s alright. You’re just stating the truth, this is my problem,” Hashirama waved his hand in goodbye.

“I should go,” Yoruichi bowed respectfully .

“Good night,” Hashirama bowed as well. To him, Yoruichi seemed to always have the same sad face like something was deeply bothering her.

***

That night held more secrets than it seemed. More secrets to be brought to life. As Yoruichi was finishing the dishes, her oldest sister Inori approached her.

“How is mother?“ Yoruichi asked. Their poor mother, dying on the first floor.

“Not well. Yoruichi, I need to talk to you,” Inori’s expression was serious.

“What is it, Inori?”

“I have done something terrible. Surely you and father will hate me for it,” Inori voiced. She was just eighteen years old.

“I could never hate you!” For Yoruichi, Inori was the perfect oldest sister. She cooked, cleaned, and she was a beast on missions. “What is it?”

“I’m pregnant,” Inori stated, tears beginning to leak down her face. 

“Oh no!” Yoruichi gasps. Inori was unwed and father had planned for her to marry someone rich and powerful.

“Do you hate me?” Inori asked between the hitching sobs.

“I don’t hate you… Who.. Who is the baby’s father?” Yoruichi asked.

“Aoshi…” Inori replied to her confidant.

Aoshi was a known womanizer who often slept around. But that wasn’t the worst part. He was a son of Ryuujin, a man who wanted to overthrow Butsuma a few years ago. For that, he received a seal and a stamp of a traitor. He was a pariah, hated by everyone in the clan, living at the outskirts of the compound. And his son was the worst possible suitor for Inori. Their father would consider this a tragedy. “Not the son of the betrayer,” Yoruichi looked down. What were they supposed to do? The grandchild of the traitor would also be stamped as a traitor.

And Inori, would now appear spoiled to their father. 

• Sadojima: Brother of Butsuma
• Yoruichi: One of Sadojima’s daughters
• Inori: Oldest Sadojima’s daughter
• Ryuujin: Traitor of the clan
• Aoshi: The son of Ryuujin, Inori’s secret lover
• Houji: One of the Senju clan council members, gravely ill
• Souji: Houji’s death brother