Work Text:
i.
tears stream down the boy's face as he spins around the small, seemingly suffocating room, a sweater held tight in his hands. quiet music plays in the background, tons of other seemingly worn shirts are laying around on the wooden floor.
the boy laughs and stares at the white sweater in his hands like it's his lifeline. one of his tears falls to the ground and the camera captures it all, captures his every move.
he plays his role perfectly.
a person lost in the fantasy of love, forgetting that whoever was their love is already long gone.
kim seungmin can't do much else than to watch everything that's happening in front of him in awe, just like all the others in the room do.
it's a known fact that han jisung is one of the best actors in the business at the moment. and yet, everyone is still caught off guard when he actually plays in front of their eyes because he never fails to act so perfectly.
the ballroom dance for one continues in the sway of a soft music box song. near its end, han jisung, that one brilliance of an actor, sits down on the edge of the bed and holds the sweater close to his chest, like it's his loved one. the viewers of the short film will later know who that was well enough.
his face portrays so many feelings and portrays them all spot on. it's like he's a robot, but also mot exactly, remembering all the exact words from the script and the emotions he's supposed to portray and he does. oh, so perfectly, that everyone on the set has no other choice than to admire the hell out of him.
seungmin is fully aware of han jisung's power. it's almost a miracle how a person, who's the same age as him, can act like a god. apparently, not only act, but also do a lot of other things like a god. he's an ace in everything. he won at life, honestly.
seungmin thinks about his own achievements and internally cringes for even daring to compare himself to han jisung. sure, he's a model. an amateur actor. a photographer. he's, sort of, popular.
but oh gosh, han jisung. an actor, a singer, a dancer, model material, favored by everyone, perfect both inside and out. how could anyone ever sculpt such a beautiful human being, seungmin wonders as han jisung lies down on the bed, closing his eyes, as the song hits its final notes.
silence overtakes the room for a few seconds until the light on the camera turns off and the director starts clapping excitedly. a round of applause fills the set right after that, and of course, seungmin is clapping too, because why wouldn't he?
“spectacular job as always, han!” the director calls as the actor gets up from the bed and slowly shuffles towards him. meanwhile, the clapping quiets down and most people go and take a well deserved break.
seungmin though, stays glued to his chair. if he occasionally steals a glance at han, that's for no one to know but him.
a lazy smile finds a way to han jisung's features. still holding the sweater from earlier, he throws it over his back and swings the sleeves from his shoulders, playing with their ends. “thank you. it was nothing special though.”
the director shakes his head with a sigh, but a smile plasters over his face. “stop being so modest, han. you know you're one of the best in the industry.”
seungmin glances at the actor for a bit and he remembers how the last time he did a crying scene, there were even real tear trails on his face. this man is unreal. plus, he keeps underselling himself when he's clearly so so so good.
every day that they're on the set, seungmin has a harder time believing that he was put into the same short film as han jisung. he's nothing but a bare amateur, struggling to keep his expression in the theme of his roles, struggling with everything, struggling with himself.
and yet, still, here he is, having a side role in a movie, where he acts together with han jisung, a legend walking amongst mere people.
“drop the gaze, watchdog.” his best friend and also colleague in acting and their shared photography gig, hyunjin, chuckles and throws a bottle of apple juice into seungmin's lap.
by that moment, the director and han jisung have moved much more further away, so there's a very little chance they heard hyunjin say that, but seungmin still gives him a low effort glare. “i wasn't looking at han.” he replies quietly, opening the bottle the other threw at him.
hyunjin sits down onto the armrest on seungmin's chair. “i never said you were looking at him.” a smirk finds a way to his features and as seungmin smacks him in the arm, he only laughs.
“i hate you,” seungmin sighs, taking a sip of the juice hyunjin brought him, “don't you have anything better to do than to bother me over something nonexistent?”
hyunjin rolls his eyes playfully. “let me have this, kim.” as he starts to talk, he takes a rubber band from his wrist and ties his hair up into a mini ponytail. it reveals the quite big silver crescent moon tattoo on the side of his neck. “i am on a break. can't i spend a little time with my favorite person even when on the job?”
seungmin's gaze travels back to the figure of han jisung, who's now walking completely out of the room. “are you saying i'm your favorite person?”
“duh. who else?”
seungmin gives hyunjin a side glance just to see his reaction to what he's about to say. “i don't know, yang jeongin for example.”
the other freezes for a little, but then he shakes his head and almost snorts. “you silly minnie, you're always my number one.” he tells him like it's nothing and then there's a loud "hwang!” in the distance and the other runs off with a quick apology.
it leaves seungmin alone with his thoughts and slightly hot cheeks because hyunjin always comes through with random assurances like these. still, they always manage to catch him off guard.
but really, all he's able to think about when hyunjin leaves is if han jisung will ever look back at him, ever notice his existence.
it's an useless thought, because why should he care about a popular pretty actor noticing him? well, seungmin doesn't know either. all he knows is that he just wants, wishes for han jisung to spare him a look at least once.
it's a stupid thought. and still, seungmin can't get it out of his mind.
how can someone you've never even spoken to corrupt your mind so much?
ii.
“how do you know what's good for me?!” han jisung, in his role, almost snaps, warily eyeing the one who's standing in front of him.
this time, there are no cameras, and as far as seungmin's concerned, there shouldn't be more of them until they finish rehearsing all the scenes.
but with this scene, they are just trying it out to see if it would fit into the script and the possible final version of the short film. considering how the director stares at the whole thing, it seems there's only one possible outcome.
the director has such a huge bias towards han and it's not like anyone can blame him, but it's still a little weird, now considering that this should be a professional workplace and everyone should be treated the same.
but as han jisung leads the scene, it's practically guaranteed that it will be included in the final version.
seungmin would roll his eyes if it wasn't for the amount of people around him watching the scene too and also the fact that he understands the director's bias maybe way too well.
the other actor in this scene, yang jeongin, is sitting on a fluffy armchair near han jisung, looking absolutely unbothered. as han seems more angry and worried at the same time with each passing second, yang sits there with one leg crossed over the other. his chin rests on his palm as he watches han's character with cold calmness.
“i don't,” he shrugs after the stretching silence, watching as han's face scrunches up in newly found confusion, “there are many wild cards laid down on a table and i end up randomly picking an ace of hearts. which is, apparently, what's good for you.”
han jisung watches yang jeongin for a while. it's a long while, it feels like hours instead of mere seconds. “i always thought of myself as more of a king of clubs.”
yang jeongin slowly shakes his head and then stands up swiftly. his moves are basically contradicting themselves. seungmin wonders if that was in the script. he comes a little closer to han, face expressionless still. “learn that others may sometimes know you better than you know yourself, hm?”
han's face is a mixture of anger, confusion and something like fear. seungmin can't get enough of his expressions. they're so perfect, so on point, so real. don't get him wrong, yang's expressions are amazing also and he knows for sure that hyunjin on the other side of the room is melting over them right now, but there's just something about han jisung. there always has been.
“i…” han's character speaks up into the awkward silence as yang's eyes stay glued onto him, “aren't i supposed to know myself the best?”
another moment of silence. it's like the whole room full of viewers, including seungmin, tenses up at the exchange together with han jisung and yang jeongin, together with the characters they're playing as. both han and the current audience are all anticipating the answer, even though most of them saw it in the idea of the script before. but it's different, oh so different, seeing it being played right in front of one's eyes, instead of just imagining figures talking and feeling in the mind.
not always, no. it's when you see yourself as the queen of diamonds that you can finally say you know yourself the best.
yang's character sighs and with that, his expression seems to soften a little. “not always, no,” he shuffles through his pocket, only to pull out a card and put it in han's hand, “it's when you see yourself as the queen of diamonds that you can finally say you know yourself the best.”
han jisung looks at the card in his hand for a bit, the queen of diamonds, and then he glances up at yang jeongin again. “how would you know? do you see yourself as a queen of diamonds to know?”
it's only then that yang smiles a little, shaking his head in the slow manner he's, probably, supposed to. “no. not quite.”
han grips the card in his hand like it's a treasure and confusion starts to cover his expression more and more. he too, like the rest of the people here, doesn't understand a thing from yang's replies. it's basically a lot of nonsense put together to create something aesthetic, something that makes you dig deeper to find its meaning and yes, you can interpret it all in your own way and think it has a meaning, but they all know it practically does not. though that makes it all prettier, it fits perfectly into this chaos of a short film, it fits perfectly into the setting.
it fits perfectly with han jisung.
“what are you then? what do you think you are?”
“i like to see myself as a jack of all trades. or maybe i should say a king of all trades? i like to think that i would have a higher status after all.” he hums at the end of his reply and in the meantime, he pulls all the four king cards from the breast pocket of his shirt. spades, hearts, clubs, diamonds. he lets them out like they're a fan and even does the action of fanning his face with them for a short moment.
han watches him with almost childlike wonder in his eyes, the anger and frustration long gone. it's interesting to see that even though han jisung is older than yang jeongin, they both can shift into roles where their ages seem to switch. it's not like it's by a lot, it's barely six months. but it's still interesting, at least to seungmin.
“so you don't know yourself the best?”
yang reaches out with his cards and gently brushes them over han's left cheek. “no. no, i don't, but even admitting to it is a great step forward. i advise you to do the same.”
i actually think you already are the queen of diamonds.
“i…” han jisung flutters his eyes shut as the cards brush across his face, “i actually think you already are the queen of diamonds.”
yang jeongin chuckles, shuffles the cards and places them back into his pocket, all in what seems like one movement. “i'm honored you'd think so, but you, unfortunately, can't be the judge of that.”
and suddenly han jisung smiles, gently and in understanding and yang jeongin gives him a smile back and then, with no other words exchanged, han's character leaves the scene, clutching the queen of diamonds to his chest like it's a treasure.
it's quiet, even in the actor and staff audience. they're all in awe, probably. seungmin can't glue his eyes away from han jisung as he comes back on the scene and gives yang jeongin a tight hug and ruffles his hair.
the younger groans in reply to the sudden affection. “why can't you be the same as you are when acting?” he says and han only smiles more.
seungmin, from what he has seen of course, thinks he likes both workplace han jisung and casual han jisung. both seem like amazing personas, even though he hasn't yet interacted with either of them. sure, he has seen both of them in action, but as far as he's aware, his cowardice and pride at once made it so he probably won't ever utter a word to living legend han jisung.
as he and some people from the staff help tidy the area around for tomorrow after everyone else has left, seungmin can't get the image of yang jeongin brushing the cards across han jisung's cheek. han's expression was extraordinary and seungmin, for the love of god, can't stop thinking about it.
he wonders what it would be like to see the scene more up close. see all the emotions, all the gestures, all the perfection even closer.
he's going to admit it only in the safety of his own mind, but he would love to see all that up close, he would love to see it more than he'd like to admit. he would have the time of his life just watching han jisung making all of the scene his own and doing it all so wonderfully, so perfectly.
“good night, don't forget to revise your lines for next week, kim.” the cameraman, named felix lee, who stays last at the place each work day for unknown reasons, tells him with a bright smile on his face.
seungmin nods his head quickly, giving lee back a smile of his own. “don't worry, there's no way i'll forget. good night, see you tomorrow.” he bids his goodbye, slightly lowering his sky blue beret into his face, before turning on his heel and leaving sunny lee behind.
lee felix reminds him a little of han jisung with all his bright smiles, kindness and overall perfection vibe. he saw them interacting a few times, all cheery laughter, bumping shoulders and loud teasing. they both radiate similar energy and it's no wonder they go so well together. it's like a sun with a sun.
though seungmin finds himself dumbly staring for too long only at one of the suns. and that's one of the few differences there are between the two of them.
one is a sun, generally. the other though, is a sun mainly in seungmin's eyes.
he's a complete and utter fool for thinking so often about someone who will never spare him a single glance. but isn't this how the sun works too? so many people worship it and so little of them get its actual attention.
secretly, quietly, seungmin wishes to become one from the lines of the lucky people, to become someone who can, at least for a little bit of time, have a speck of the sun's attention.
who knows if his wish will ever come true?
iii.
“tilt your face slightly to the left. mhm, yes, that's right. cross your legs over, maybe? yeah, amazing. now try to lean forward a little? good, good.”
click. click. click.
the shutter of seungmin's camera goes off three times respectively and then he sends a thumbs up to the model, and also in normal circumstances, his coworker.
“photoshoots are always so fun with you, seungmin. it's a shame it's only your side gig.” lee minho, the said coworker, chuckles as he stands up from the white stool he was sitting on, fixing the collar of the black shirt with yellow smiley faces all over it. seungmin's glad he wasn't the one who got the offer for that brand. though minho still manages to pull the shirt off well.
“what?” seungmin raises an eyebrow, looking at minho only momentarily before going back to browsing the photos of minho he just captured, “afraid of me being too good of a model? want to get rid of your competition?”
minho almost smirks, making his way to seungmin and peeking over his shoulder to see him browse through the photos. “in your dreams, fucktard.” he says. one of the lightning women near them hisses at the sound of the swear word. minho sends a quick apology her way.
“just admit you want me to disappear so you can do better in the field. we both know it's true.” seungmin knows for certain minho will frown at that.
“shut up.” minho smacks him across the back of his head nearly too gently when compared to the smacks he usually gives him. the lightning woman from earlier rolls her eyes at that. for some reason she still can't get used to the way the two models act with each other. seungmin likes to think they're friends more than just colleagues and that minho does indeed quite enjoy his presence.
honestly, minho makes some of the stress and pressure of both the modelling and photography work less burdening. seungmin would rather die than admit that though.
“how's it going with that han guy anyway? you made your move?” minho asks out of a sudden as the staff packs their stuff and they're slowly left alone in the room. just seungmin sitting on the uncomfortable borrowed working stool and minho standing behind him and watching him deleting photos that seungmin is sure the agency nor the brand will like.
though with that question, minho completely ruins the peace that settled in seungmin's head for a while. it's not really surprising considering it's minho. he's almost chaos personified. but it still catches seungmin off guard.
“minho,” seungmin turns to face minho, only to be met with a smirk of the other's, “first off, he's literally a legendary actor, why are you referring to him as "han guy"? second off,” minho is starting to look a little like a cheshire cat and seungmin thinks he may call off the friendship thing he was pondering about earlier, “what.”
minho shrugs innocently. “you tell me that. hyunjin told me you look like he hung up the whole sky of stars every time you see him.”
seungmin writes strangle hyunjin on his mind-built to-do list. right after strangling minho and his need to tease the ever loving hell out of seungmin for no reason. just when seungmin's thinking about how neat he is. feels a little like betrayal, if you ask him.
with his cheeks burning slightly, he brings himself to shake his head. “how come you hit it off with hyunjin so quickly? you saw him, like, twice.” he prays in his head quite aggressively that minho will drop the topic, because there's no way he's talking about the nonexistent case of him looking at han jisung like he hung the stars.
sure, he thinks everything han jisung does is extremely admirable, he thinks that there is no way a more perfect being exists on this earth, he thinks han jisung is absolutely breathtaking. does that necessarily mean he would look at the other like that? seungmin doesn't think so.
hyunjin's perception must be clouded.
“sometimes it goes like that,” minho says, interrupting seungmin's inner confusion, “hyunjin has nice vibes. ones that go well with mine.”
seungmin raises his eyebrows at the tone of minho's voice. it sounds almost dreamy, something he hasn't heard from minho in a long time. “nice vibes, huh.” he ponders out loud. he knows that hyunjin is a nice one generally, but it takes a while for minho to adapt to people. he makes a mental note to let hyunjin work with minho more often.
after that, minho and seungmin seperate ways for a while. seungmin goes to put his equipment where it belongs so he can take it back to the company after. minho goes to take off the brand clothing and put on something more comfortable.
seungmin can't stop wondering about the comment minho told him though. as he puts the camera into one of the bags, his thoughts race. he has made peace with the fact that he sometimes looks at han jisung for too long. but never ever would he call it like hyunjin did, with minho agreeing for some reason.
what is it even supposed to mean? look at someone like they hung up the stars on the sky? such a foolish term and yet, it sounds so poetic, so nice. it makes sense for hyunjin to say it, but seungmin thinks that may be just his best friend's biased opinion.
hyunjin always thinks he's such a feeling expert. and even though seungmin agrees with that to some extent, he has always thought that he can't truly know people at first glance.
on a second thought, hyunjin and seungmin have known each other for quite a while.
this is difficult.
his thoughts swirl - the image of hyunjin smiling and telling him facts about han jisung he managed to get from the workplace only to give them to seungmin who didn't ask for them. the image of han jisung acting multiple scenes at once, always looking so perfect. the image of minho smirking as he asks him about han. the image of han jisung. han jisung. han jisung.
stop thinking about him, gosh. this is getting almost creepy, they haven't uttered a single word for god's sake.
the swirl calms down after minho appears and comes with an offer for dinner, which he'll pay for. and well, seungmin is never against time with a friend on one of his few free nights.
they talk on their way to the sushi restaurant minho suggested, mainly about how seungmin's nonexistent actor career goes and also about the next brand offer their modelling company got. minho shows him some of the outfits as they walk and both of them don't even try to hide what they think of the outfits.
“i bet it's going to be you who they're going to give the job to. enjoy that hideous shit.” minho chuckles and seungmin bumps his shoulder with minho's with a small playful frown.
“i would rather die, thank you.”
“go ahead, i have the plans for your funeral all ready. just tell me when and i'll make sure to prepare my speech and invite tons of people who once treasured you.”
and even as seungmin laughs and bickers with minho about his own damn funeral that won't even happen anytime soon, there's still a thing that just won't leave his mind for some damn reason.
the sun is a visiting guest and it doesn't seem to have any plans of leaving soon. more like he, not it, doesn't have plans to leave. not at all.
weird thing is that seungmin isn't sure if he minds it anymore.
iv.
“get up, darling. the floor is cold. you and your butt are going to get all sick.”
“your warmth is all i need, babe.” seungmin's character jokes as he stares up at hyunjin, the one who's in progress of playing out a scene from the past with him as his former partner.
their characters in this are basically their swapped personalities and when hyunjin found out, he seemed to be in heaven. oh, look at me! i'm going to be similar to the mighty kim seungmin! to which seungmin would roll his eyes at, but as he read the rest of his bootleg hyunjin character description, the humor in him died with each passing second.
the scenes from the past are made to be lighthearted. they're confusing, humorous, pleasing to look at. but then there are scenes from the present, which are neither pleasing, nor humorous.
seungmin's character loves warmth, always has been addicted to it. both in the form of human touch, the sun, or fire. and he has it, he's nothing but happy for a long while in his life, until at one point everything goes wrong and in his present scenes he sits in front a fake fireplace and thinks about the warmth that was provided to him before.
he hasn't even tried out acting his present scenes yet but he knows they're going to be a pain in the ass to work out. he's not that great with facial expressions yet. and generally, the solo scenes are harder than scenes with more people, where he always has someone to lean on.
“you're such a sap, god.” hyunjin's character sighs but there's a soft smile playing at the other's lips as he goes and sits down next to seungmin, leaning his head onto seungmin's shoulder.
“my name's not god the last time i checked.” seungmin says with his mouth shaped into a small "o" shape, as instructed in this part of the script, though there's a chuckle threatening to escape from his lips as hyunjin looks at him in disbelief.
it's quite funny, the phrase with the name. none of the characters in the short film actually have names, at least they're never said to the audience. they're all just entities existing in the same world and gradually, slowly breaking apart. the only thing they have are codenames. seungmin's character is called fire on the original script. hyunjin's one is called colour. yang's is cake. and han's is called fluffy, alongside his title of main character.
there are a lot of other codenames for the more side and minor characters, but seungmin couldn't really be bothered memorizing parts of the story that had nothing to do with him. acting is already giving him a hard time as it is, thank you very much.
hyunjin shakes his head after, as much as one can when they have their head resting on someone's shoulder. “you're impossible. i can't freaking stand you.” the words have a light, joking undertone, but when people watch the short film, they'll later realize this sentence was one huge foreshadow.
seungmin's lips form themselves into a huge smile and he laughs. “you love me~! l-o-v-e! m-e!” he spells out in a sing-song voice and if his cheeks turn red out of character, no one has to know.
hyunjin is better at keeping himself in character and with a neutral expression, that slowly turns into a small smile, he leans in and places a small lingering kiss to the corner of seungmin's mouth. “you're impossible.” he repeats his own words from earlier, though the smile on his face gets almost unnoticeably softer and a little wider.
and seungmin knows that's part of the script. he knows it's all an act. but right at that moment, as he sits there with hyunjin, who's resting his head on his shoulder again, hyunjin, his best friend, who just gave him a kiss and hyunjin, the one seungmin just sang to about how much he loves him, he thinks that if the stars were up for it, he could really fall in love with hyunjin right there at that time.
it's all their characters. but there's something unexplainable about the atmosphere surrounding them at the moment. they're there, best friends for years in real life, acting out a scene of two former lovers.
seungmin wonders what it would be like if they had different roles. if hyunjin got the role of cake. would that make this scene much more awkward and tense with yang by his side as colour? seungmin can barely play out the scene well with hyunjin by his side, he can't imagine the embarrassment it would bring him to act the scene out with yang jeongin.
or maybe seungmin could've gotten the role of cake. hyunjin would have had his head in the clouds over the thought of acting out a romantic scene with yang jeongin.
as for seungmin? he can't imagine actually acting alongside han jisung as the second main character. it's already overwhelming participating in the same project as him and if seungmin actually had to go and say his lines in front of han while keeping up all sorts of emotional facades he's supposed to act out, he'd probably pass out on the spot. well, he knows there will be scenes he's going to act in together with han. but they're not something too big.
and no, he's definitely not being dramatic right now. oh gosh, maybe his own character's traits are rubbing off on him. is this what he gets for practicing his lines at ungodly hours of the night because he's too busy with either watching the rehearsals of others, doing photography or modelling in the daylight?
he tries to shake off his thoughts quickly. thank god, that the rest of the scene he shares with hyunjin is just silence as they stare into the same fireplace together. seungmin remembers that he should've reached for hyunjin's hand somewhere along the line of the scene though. so, he does it right as it catches up to him and he silently hopes that it isn't too obvious he forgot at first.
the director doesn't seem to have that huge of liking towards him, since acting is not his first priority (the mystery or why he still likes hyunjin is beyond seungmin's understanding) and he doesn't want to ruin his reputation even more by forgetting things just because he was lost in thought. useless thoughts, even.
sometimes he just wants his brain to shut up.
the try out of their scene ends just like that, with seungmin holding hyunjin's hand as they watch the fire. seungmin is certain hyunjin is supposed to fall asleep somewhere along the way too, but it's not like they're going to make him close his eyes for an unnecessary amount of time when it's their first time trying this scene out properly.
the people who were watching their rehearsal start clapping and nodding their heads in approval, even the director. it's almost like they're all robots. only han jisung, who stands at the side, has a neutral expression on his face.
seungmin is not going to lie, there's a yarn of nerves knitting tighter in his stomach. what if han jisung thinks that seungmin shouldn't be in the film now that he has seen him act? he's just an amateur who doesn't do things perfectly yet. the last thing seungmin wants is for han jisung to be disappointed in him, even though he knows it's a little inevitable, considering their different levels, most of all in acting.
“wow! that was amazing, minnie!” hyunjin says after the lights around them mute a little and as they stand up, hyunjin immediately wraps an arm around seungmin’s shoulders.
seungmin can’t help the grin that finds its way onto his face. “you did amazing. it’s not fair how well you can pull off colour.” he refrains himself from pouting jokingly, but he’s aware there’s a small teasing frown on his face despite his best efforts.
“are you kidding me?” hyunjin asks, shaking his head in disbelief, though seungmin can’t really tell if it’s supposed to be playful or if hyunjin’s serious. “i can’t believe you manage to pull off fire that well.” he sighs, maybe even dreamily, and seungmin’s smile gets wider at that.
he thinks he gets the reason for them both getting the characteristics of their characters so on point. they’ve known each other for years and seungmin kind of thinks that eventually, he learnt to read hyunjin like a book and vice versa. it probably isn’t that big of a mystery as to why they can pull off the characters that are basically the personality of the other one.
a group of actors with very minor roles steps up on their place and the staff start changing the set coulisses around to fit the next small scene that the director wanted for them to test out. meanwhile, seungmin and hyunjin get into the space the other actors and staff usually watch the rehearsals.
the director sends them a quick thumbs up and then he goes back to focusing on the setting of the new scene in front of him. even lee felix, the always helpful cameraman, sends a smile towards their direction, which assures seungmin at least a little about the greatness of the scene he just played out with hyunjin.
well, it seems that the universe has plans to assure seungmin even further. as hyunjin rushes off to “ask yang jeongin how he liked looking at his beauty”, someone seungmin would never expect in front of him at the moment appears.
“you did great. if i didn’t know, i wouldn’t believe you’re an amateur.” the one and only han jisung says and as cliche as it may sound, seungmin’s breath hitches in his throat at the sight of the legend. he’s speaking to him? how is han jisung speaking to him right now? how is that possible? what did seungmin do for the sun to spare a speck of his attention to him?
“oh?” seungmin lets out and mentally slaps himself across the face after. get yourself together, dumbass. you’re not a highschool girl with a stupid crush. act normally, his mind screams at him right afterwards. “thank you. it’s… nice to hear that from you.” he’s surprised at how calm he manages to sound, when internally he’s nothing but confused and somehow honored. it sounds so weird, but seungmin couldn’t believe han jisung just went ahead and started talking to him.
han jisung smiles. “it’s a pleasure to have you here. i look forward to practicing with you.” and as quick as he appeared, he walks away in an almost childish manner, with his arms swinging lots and maybe basically jumping away. so it’s not really walking, seungmin realizes.
seungmin’s cheeks burn for some reason and he can’t grasp why. on top of it all, this feels unreal. the han jisung just talked to him for the sole reason of complimenting his horrible acting skills. the legend han jisung. god among humans.
seungmin must be dreaming but as he stares at han’s back, the other, as if he sensed his gaze, turns his head back for a little and waves at him. and then he winks.
why did he do that. oh my goodness.
at that moment, seungmin decides that his burning face is the cause of the sun’s light being so near him. yes. that must be it. the sun was too close and it burnt seungmin’s face, surely everyone experiences that in the presence of han jisung.
then why does the feeling not stop while seungmin is hidden in the shadow?
v.
seungmin plops down onto the green fluffy rug on the set floor with a sigh. it's supposed to be grass, but they're not going to go outside for just another rehearsal, are they? he also knows that in the script there's a part about there being a light breeze in this scene. seungmin wonders if it's going to be really included once they record.
just as he closes his eyes, he hears another figure lay down. as he saw in the concept picture, he's pretty sure it's yang jeongin's character, who's supposed to be lying opposite of seungmin's one.
“you okay?” yang jeongin asks him in a whisper, his blueish locks mixing up with seungmin's brunette strands of hair.
seungmin sighs again, it almost makes him feel like a middle aged white woman in a long queue at a store. “yeah. you?”
he feels the other nod his head. “i try to be.”
if seungmin was out of his character right now and was the one watching from the sidelines, he would think about how pretty that line is. but since he has to be in character for now, he chuckles. “you're such a poet, aren't you?”
i try to be.
is the reply that is supposed to come, but it seems that the other participants in this scene have plans to come sooner than expected. right as yang takes a breath to reply, another body plops down in between seungmin and yang jeongin. the director will definitely scold them for this. it's honestly weird he didn't interrupt the scene yet to shout.
“hey,” hyunjin's soft voice reaches their ears, “figure out the meaning of life yet?”
this whole scene is ridiculous in seungmin's opinion. it's supposed to be a past before the actual past kind of scene, one that shows that all four of them used to coexist once. there's only one of this kind included in the whole script and honestly, it's only for the better. the past scenes with the pairs and the present ones with them solo are greater.
seungmin doesn't think it's well written - it's more confusing than all the other ones. no one can say it's because of aesthetic and pretty purposes because this all is just seriously confusing to the ears of the audience.
the person who wrote the script was never ordered to change it. it will probably depend on how the rehearsal of the scene turns out. seungmin doesn't know if he wants to do his best or his worst in that case. somehow, he wishes for the scene to vanish from the script but at the same time he wants to show that he can do a lot even as an amateur.
his pride is most likely going to be the victorious one in this little battle.
“not yet.” another voice comes in and it just brings seungmin to remember how lucky he is to be practicing a scene with han jisung. it suddenly makes him forget how he despises the whole script of it.
all four of them lie in a circle together, their head's gently pressed together. he's pretty sure all four of them have their eyes closed in the moment.
“when if not now?”
“later, as the sun arises from its slumber.”
“you'll say the same thing tomorrow when i ask you again. stop lying for once, would you?”
seungmin almost flinches at the intensity of hyunjin's words, though they're in no way directed towards him. they're directed towards han jisung's character and he knows that well, so why does he feel so tense out of a sudden?
“i am not lying. i never lie.” han replies with too much calmness in his voice and if seungmin remembers right, he's stretching one of his arms up into the imaginary sky as he says that.
“lies are inevitable. everyone lies,” yang jeongin joins into their little exchange shamelessly, “in fact, i could even be lying about what i said now. funny right? you can never be too sure of the truth.”
seungmin's character is instructed to stay quiet during most of this. which is a little weird considering his usual behaviour in all the other scenes he makes an appearance in. he doesn't exactly complain though - at least he has time to try and wonder about the lines of others and if they're truly supposed to hold any special meaning.
it's quiet even among the others for a little, until he hears han's voice coming again from the left. “you're so silly. with all your wise sayings.” he says and if seungmin recalls it rightly, he reaches out for yang's hand as he talks.
“thanks. i try to be.” the smirk can be practically heard in his voice.
hyunjin breathes out way too loudly, as if to signalize his frustration over han's previous half assed reply.
the other two seem to ignore him though and seungmin is also supposed to act like he doesn't notice. so he does, even though he thinks it's kind of out of character. again.
he has to say that he almost forgets to breathe out of anticipation of what comes next. it's honestly the only thing seungmin brought himself to like when reading the script of this scene. and well, why wouldn't he look forward to it? it's mostly han jisung's monologue after all.
“what if life doesn't have any meaning at all and we just try to find one out to make ourselves feel better about existing?” it starts like that and seungmin already finds himself in awe of how han says that line. gosh. so much raw emotion, even though the tone of his voice is soft and quiet. seungmin doesn't understand how han delivers his words always so well, no matter the circumstances.
“in all of this huge universe, we're all just tiny specks of nothingness living on another little ball of rocks. there are perhaps millions, billions of them across the whole wide space,” han jisung continues and seungmin opens one of his eyes to peak at his expression during all this, “what would i… what would we mean in such a huge complex of things? who would care about what we do or how we act? why do we care so much about our surroundings? it all has zero meaning anyways. we're not here to find a meaning in life, it has no meaning. we made the whole concept of meaning up. why would someone put us here to search for a meaning behind everything?”
no one utters a single word after that. it's almost like they all stopped breathing for a little. as for seungmin, he feels as if he stopped breathing out of character too.
“maybe we should just try to be and not try to find meanings in this dumb little world we made up. let's try to live. let's try to exist, without a care in the world. if all people would just do that, everything would be so much better.”
“what…what if even your words just now held some meaning? what then?” hyunjin's character speaks up after a long moment of silence. his voice has calmed down since he last talked.
han jisung sighs heavily. “you shouldn't try to find meaning in them. they're just stupid syllables i uttered out, without a care in the world. as it should be with everything.” he laughs softly right afterwards and it's a sound seungmin could imagine the bright sun itself making too.
“does that mean i shouldn't believe you?”
“do whatever you want. you have the power to freely choose your next action. but don't overthink it. it won't have any meaning.”
it's quiet again after that and well, needless to say, seungmin's heart is beating fast in his chest right now. probably due to multiple things - han jisung's voice as he said all that, the uselessness of the monologue and han's smiling face as he looks above himself.
only two of those are acceptable to admit out loud.
“chaos. i like chaos.” seungmin blurts out suddenly, as he's supposed to. his words are louder than those of the people who have spoken before him. it's in his character's nature - always trying to make himself more visible and unique than the others.
the discussion about a lots of stuff starts to flow between the three others - han jisung trying to defend his character's "nothing has meaning if you don't make it have it" theory, hyunjin trying to oppose him and yang jeongin sometimes saying something in a way too relaxed voice that makes little to no sense, like nearly everything he says in the entirety of the whole film.
seungmin's character? that one is just supposed to thrive on the chaos, so he does. a smile slowly forms on his face as he listens to the others talk, eyes shut close again, as if to savour everything more pleasantly.
this scene is still weird in seungmin's mind. it's still not good. as the others talk, he thinks it all makes zero sense but he proceeds to listen to it all anyway like he's instructed to, though he hates just listening to the nonsense.
one voice though reaches his ears more clearly, more loudly, than the others. han jisung's voice echoes in his mind with each word he says. his words are so dull and yet so bright and somehow, seungmin manages to take in only the bright side of them. it's as if his own mind wants him to try to take into account the good of this scene despite everything he dislikes about it.
and just this once, seungmin thinks he can accept that the scene is not that bad because of han jisung's voice, han jisung's line delivery and han jisung's overall wonderfulness.
with each new word from han, seungmin thinks. perhaps this scene is not so bad after all.
perhaps han jisung's light is capable of making everything better after all. .
+ i.
“and we're all done for today! see you next week for the official recording start!” the director announces and everyone claps in excitement.
they all worked so hard on rehearsing everything. they built this short film up together, the staff, the actors. and the recording of most scenes is seriously going to start next week. seungmin is excited too, of course he is. but the nervousness is also eating him from inside out and it mostly overtakes all his happiness about it.
he saw how it went because of some of the scenes that were recorded in advance, like the scene han jisung did nearly at the start of it all. it was almost like the director wanted to show them an example of how it should look like.
and well, he also knows how it goes when recording generally. he's not that new to the acting scene anyway.
still though, that doesn't stop him from being anxious to his core, but he tries his best to not let it show on himself. at least not in front of all the other actors. he'll let it all out when he's home.
he wonders if the other actors feel the same. he wonders if his best friend hyunjin or yang jeongin, or the actors with minor roles, or godlike han jisung, feel nervous about it too.
gosh, han jisung.
something in his chest swirls at the thought of the professional actor. since their first interaction, seungmin has to admit he has had a bit of a problem focusing on his usual work. it got to the point of minho and changbin (their other model coworker) teasing him about his head in the clouds.
it didn't help that they started practicing their scenes together also, so seungmin had to talk to him again. and the other would always come after rehearsals to give him a pat on the shoulder and tell him he did great. he wouldn't leave until he slipped in his usual "looking forward to the next time" too.
as much as seungmin thought about it all, it still didn't bring any results in his mind. it didn't make any sense to his brain whatsoever. why would han suddenly talk to him? why would he want anything to do with him beside what is his responsibility, his job? why, why, why?
he's not exactly complaining, it's definitely not that. he's just confused as to the whole thing happening for a few weeks now, he still can't grasp it even after all this time. he admired han jisung for the longest time (well, maybe if that managed to maybe grow into something more, that's just for seungmin to know. and if it was something more the whole time, no one should know either), so really, he's thankful for the opportunity to talk to him. he just doesn't get what would be in it on han's end.
he puts on his long beige coat and fixes the bag on his shoulder slightly. before he sets off, he waves goodbye to the people left in the area.
as soon as he puts his hands in the pockets of his coat, as he usually does when he walks, there's something that's definitely not supposed to be there. he feels a piece of paper brush against his fingers. yeah no, that shouldn't be there at all. seungmin always kept his pockets free of all unnecessary stuff.
quickly, he pulls the paper out of the pocket. it's a small one in the form of a square shape. the writing is illegible, bold and stupidly big for such a little piece of paper.
you know who! xxx-xxx-xxx :]
oh god.
oh god, oh god, oh god.
his heart does that stupid, dumbass, absolutely bofoonery thing, when it threatens to jump out of his chest for no reason. the handwriting. he knows one person with such handwriting. and he knows two people who use those kinds of smileys. and he has minho's number.
could it truly be…?
well, only one way to find out.
he has no idea where his sudden confidence comes from - well, it's not that much of a confidence, since his fingers are trembling as he dials the numbers on his phone - but it's something. he's doing it, at least.
“i knew you'd call.” seungmin swears he hears han's voice not only from his phone.
“...han?”
“turn around.” see, his intuition is never wrong. though he must say he's mildly freaked out.
seungmin turns around and truly, a few meters away from him stands han jisung, in all of his glory, all leather jackets, black painted nails and smug, but somehow kind expressions.
they stand on the empty street and seungmin has zero idea what to do. han grins at him from the distance and seungmin tries his best to keep a calm face. what the hell is happening? why did han jisung even give him his phone number? why is he here right now? has he been following seungmin?
“what are you doing here?” seungmin asks quietly, his inner happiness, curiosity and confusion mixing into the tone of his voice all at once.
“something i should've done a while ago.” han says into his own phone like it's some thrilling confession. he's still grinning. seungmin loved seeing that lopsided grin ever since he saw the first project han jisung was in.
a single person passes by them, giving them both weirded out looks, before quickening their pace. thank god the streets are actually empty otherwise. seungmin would bury himself into the ground out of embarrassment in the other case.
how weird must it be to pass two people, who seem to know each other, on the street, standing far from each other and watching each other while they communicate by calling?
“and…” seungmin begins, not 100% sure of what he should do in this kind of situation at all, “...what would that be?”
han jisung's expression turns into a more dreading, neutral one. “i…” the tone of his voice quiets down too. it's almost like he's getting ready to sing a lullaby. “promise you won't laugh?”
“yeah, just,” seungmin sighs, “spill it out already. please.”
“you have to say you promise.”
“god, han, i-”
“say you promise.”
“fine. i promise, okay?”
a barely visible smile finds a way to han's features. it would be way more visible if they made any effort to shorten the distance between them.
“something about you has always intrigued me. ever since i got to know you'd be in the same project as me.”
that catches seungmin off guard a whole damn lot. did… did han jisung, the han jisung, just say that about him ?
“i would ask the director about you,” han says in a whisper, giggling softly, “i would ask a lot. even before i got to see you with my own eyes. i just found you really interesting from the start. everything in your career, your looks, your apparent determination. once i actually saw you on the set, it was over for me.”
no way.
no way.
no way.
this can't be happening. this isn't real. there's no way that han jisung is telling seungmin about how he was impressed by him from the start. what he's saying is how seungmin feels with han jisung for the longest time. this isn't happening.
there's a long pause, but han starts speaking again when seungmin brings himself to glance at him. “i was in awe of how you acted, hell, i was in awe of you even when you stood at the side. everyday, i would look forward to the moment we would practice together… it sounds foolish, doesn't it?” han says with a wet chuckle, voice sounding broken out of a sudden. “this is pathetic. you're so out of my league.”
seungmin can't take this anymore.
“what the hell are you talking about? you're the one who's out of my league.” seungmin admits the thing that was hidden in his mind all along, admits one of his weaknesses, one of the dumb things he wishes he'd never think about.
it makes him feel embarrassed but at the same time he doesn't get why han's face seems so shocked, even from all this distance.
“i've always admired you. you have no idea how honored i felt when i found out i was going to be in that film with you. you're a legend, han. everyone loves you. and unfortunately, i am not an exception.” seungmin pauses for a little before he breathes in and says: “you can't be serious about all that. it's what i thought about you all this time.”
then it's all quiet. seungmin stands there staring at han jisung and han jisung stands there staring at seungmin and it seems that neither of them have an idea of what to say.
seungmin is already making plans in his head for a successful escape route, until he hears a laugh from the speaker of his phone. han jisung just laughed. and he continues laughing for a while and it's a really nice sound, seungmin lets himself think.
“we're so dumb.” he blurts out between his laughter, a wide smile on his face. and then suddenly the call beeps, signalizing its end.
seungmin puts his phone down from his ear and stares dumbfoundedly as han jisung goes and starts full on running towards him, until he's near enough.
they talk. they talk and talk and talk and seungmin feels more surprised and warm with each word, but he still can't believe any of this is real. han jisung laughs and says all the nice things seungmin never knew he needed to hear and seungmin tries to say some things back, because they seem to invoke similar reactions in han, though seungmin has no reason why would that be.
it's just them and the night sky and the empty streets. it's just them, explaining things to each other for what seems like days but seconds at the same time. seungmin wonders how come he didn't even notice han staring at him all this time when the other tells him he did like it's painfully obvious. he wonders about everything he missed in his preoccupation with how perfect han was in everything.
he was too blinded by his own admiration (and growing crush) on han jisung to notice the other saw the same in him all this time.
it's surreal, so surreal and unbelievable and it will take seungmin time to believe it fully, but he thinks he can manage.
han jisung bids him a farewell with a kiss on a cheek and a messy note that he puts into seungmin's coat pocket. he doesn't forget to wink and giggle, before he truly sets off, skipping off into the night, leaving a confused, but somehow happy, seungmin behind.
the great, godlike, han jisung, has admired him all this time. he has stared at seungmin during rehearsals, he was in awe of his actions, and was in awe of what he saw out of character too. just like seungmin has had with him.
he bets that the smile that's on his face right now is almost disgusting, but he truly doesn't mind. he has found out the sun was paying attention to the grumpy sky of clouds this whole time, and if that isn't so cliche it warms all your inside's up, seungmin doesn't know what is.
they have a long way to go until they figure everything out and actually get to know each other outside of their acting and snippets of out of character behavior. but...
we're going to my fav coffee shop next tuesday, you big fluffy cloud. meet you there at 4.
ps: you can call me jisung, silly
...seungmin thinks they'll act their whole movie out just fine.