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Maybe it was wrong to assume that everything would be normal after kissing your best friend of eight years, but when said best friend is Vernon Hansol Chwe, pillar of pacifism and vibe extraordinaire, the conclusion that ‘yeah, a little heated make-out session totally won’t cause a major shift in our relationship’ shouldn’t seem so crazy.
Apparently, Seungkwan was way off .
The worst part is that Seungkwan doesn’t have time to deal with how Hansol is acting right now. If Seungkwan had just kept his hands to himself until at least winter break, than he could have spent whatever time necessary digging through the multiple layers that Hansol has put up to shield his emotions, but instead it’s fucking finals week and his best friend refuses to look at him for longer than 2 seconds and he doesn’t know what to do about it. Perhaps it’s partially his own fault for not addressing the issue immediately and consequently letting it fester, but, in his defense, Seungkwan didn’t even realize there was a problem to begin with.
So instead of asking Hansol what his issue is, Seungkwan has decided that his priorities at the moment include making sure that his math final doesn’t kick his ass, memorizing his solo for the upcoming year-end choir concert, and writing out his script for his next broadcast with the University station - not best friends who start acting weird when you kiss them.
Besides, Hansol’s probably just acting strange because he’s worried that Seungkwan liked the kiss and was starting to catch feelings or something. Because that’s typical of Hansol, to be awkwardly perceptive of others feelings, and typical of Seungkwan, to fall in love way too fast.
But hopefully Hansol will work out for himself that Seungkwan is definitely not affected by the kiss at all. For example, Seungkwan will not be having any ‘i think hansol is sexy now’ kind of emphanies because luckily for him, Boo Seungkwan is a healthy gay man and was under no misconception that his best friend was anything but incredibly attractive well before the kiss. Secondly, he will not start an unwarranted jealousy streak for his best friend for the simple reason that if Seungkwan wanted Hansol’s attention, all he’d have to do is ask. He won’t try to make Hansol jealous, either. His best friend isn’t one to get jealous, but if Hansol ever wanted Seungkwan’s attention, he’s always had it anyway. And lastly, he is already completely aware that his best friend has many sweet and charming traits that could totally make someone fall head over heels for him. So, no need to worry that he’ll only just now start noticing how kind, earnest, and strong the man is - as if Seungkwan doesn’t already like all of Hansol.
That’s all trivial, anyways, because regardless of what many assume, Boo Seungkwan is weak, not shallow. If he were to fall in love with his best friend, it wouldn't be because he’s hot, it’d probably be because of one of Hansol’s multiple unusual quirks or something. Like how Seungkwan had never even heard of banana nut ice cream until one day Hansol claimed it was his favorite flavor. So, naturally, after only knowing each other for less than a week, they spent a whole afternoon going to 5 different convenience stores trying to buy a tub to share. Then, after finally finding it at this super sketchy gas station, Hansol proceeded to pull out each nut chunk in his bowl and give them to Seungkwan because apparently the kid was “kinda super allergic to most nuts”.
Anyways. The point is that Hansol is most likely just being weird because he’s under some impression that it’s for Seungkwan’s sake, which is completely unnecessary, and his best friend will eventually figure that out for himself.
Therefore, Seungkwan will not be calling Hansol out for currently sitting three chairs away from him even though they are the only people sitting at the table.
He had already been at the library all day long trying to work on those mentioned priorities when his best friend texted him and asked where he was. Within ten minutes of him responding, the other arrived, promptly threw his backpack on the table, seated himself, and only then chose to acknowledge Seungkwan’s presence by offering a mumbled “Hello” while struggling to get his music theory textbook out of his bag.
In turn, Seungkwan, surprised that Hansol finally let sounds come out of his mouth around him, replied, “Vernon, my man, what’s up?”. Which, yeah, probably wouldn’t have been a preferred greeting of Seungkwan’s, but he was caught off-guard, okay? Plus, that is definitely something two friends would say to each other.
Hansol, though, didn’t seem to agree, if the shocked look on his face before he whipped his head back down to look at his notes meant anything. That was the first and last time either of them spoke this past hour: Seungkwan deciding best never to speak again and Hansol probably never wanting to speak to Seungkwan again.
It’s not awful, though. Seungkwan usually hates silence, but with Hansol it’s never been bad. They’re supposed to be quiet in the library, anyways. And honestly, Seungkwan’s just happy they’re hanging out alone again. It’s been a week and a half since the infamous kiss, and the time apart from his best friend was starting to grate on Seungkwan’s mental health. Who knew that specifically not dealing with something would actually make life more stressful for Seungkwan.
But for Hansol’s strong will, Seungkwan is plain stubborn. All he’s going to do is act as normal as possible so that Hansol’s imagination can settle itself - even if it’s currently destroying Seungkwan’s own peace of mind.
They don’t talk for another two hours.
Eventually, it starts to get dark outside which means the library will be closing soon, so Seungkwan begins packing up his things, contemplating if he should grab dinner before he heads to the dorms or not. But, at that exact moment, as if it had enough of his indecisiveness, his stomach starts rumbling super loudly, made even louder by the contrasting silence of the library. Dinner it is, then. Embarrassed, Seungkwan looks at Hansol to gage if he heard the sound, but thankfully he still has his headphones on and is resting his head on the table like he’s sleeping.
Actually, as Seungkwan inspects the other more carefully, he’s definitely asleep. Damn it. Seungkwan’s going to have to wake him up now.
Any other time (pre lips-on-lips situation), maneuvering around his best friend wouldn’t have been given a second thought, but now he can’t even find the courage within himself to just tap Hansol on the shoulder and ask him to get dinner.
It’s kind of pathetic, but whatever. Act normal, right?
Picking up the nearest object to his right and launching it at the sleeping boy definitely got a few raised eyebrows from the other stragglers still in the library, but it did the job.
As Seungkwan watches Hansol rise from sleep while rubbing the side of his head looking totally confused, he figures that he should probably explain the calculator case assault.
“You fell asleep,” Seungkwan says.
Hansol watches him for a while with his hand paused by his ear, body stiff like he’s trying not to fidget.
“Um, yeah,” he replies. Then a bit weaker, but never unkind, “I know.”
Abruptly, like someone clicked play, Hansol chuckles quietly with an almost smile and continues rubbing his head for a second before noting, with a small nod of his head, that Seungkwan has his backpack on.
“Are you leaving?” He asks while reaching over to hand back the calculator case.
Seungkwan takes it from the other’s hands with a mumbled “thanks”. It's not until after a couple awkward seconds later (entirely on Seungkwan’s side - Hansol lives for silent confusion) that Seungkwan remembers Hansol even asked him a question. With the sudden realization that this is when he has to ask the other to join him for dinner, though, Seungkwan starts to get cold feet.
“Yeah, I am,” Seungkwan begins, “uh, leaving.”
So far so good. Now he only has to get the question out.
“Oh,” Hansol interrupts, and Seungkwan whips his head up as his own thought process is forced to a halt.
Damn it. Hansol looks upset. What was Seungkwan going to say again?
Being friends for so long means he usually has a good idea how to handle Hansol when he’s feeling down. Like when a classmate in high school told Hansol that he was “too quiet”. His best friend wasn’t aware that he had internalized the words and was feeling hurt by them, but Seungkwan could definitely tell. So he made a promise with himself to always make sure Hansol had the opportunity to express his opinions, even if that meant forcibly asking the other to say what’s on his mind (which he has 100% done several times, but if it wasn’t for the contented, peaceful look on Hansol’s face afterwards, he would stop). But, of course, Seungkwan screwed that all up when he didn’t address the current overarching issue right away, so he has no clue what to do now.
To ease the other’s mind, he should at least explain why he’s leaving.
“It’s getting late, and the library’s probably going to close in an hour, so...”
Hansol makes a noise that seems to say Ah, that makes sense , then chuckles and rubs the back of his neck, “Was I really out for that long?”
Seungkwan replies,“I actually didn’t realize you were asleep until I woke you up” because he doesn’t know what else to say and because he recognizes that, despite the laugh, the vibe was still off. (He must have some leftover Hansol residue from that kiss. Seungkwan mentioning vibes? His best friend would be so proud of him if either of them could get more than two sentences out at a time.)
“With the calculator case,” Hansol adds, quite unnecessarily, to Seungkwan’s sentence after a second.
“Yeah,” he doesn’t know if that was the other’s attempt at humor, but all Seungkwan can feel is his efforts to pick up Hansol’s mood diminishing, “with, uh.. Yeah.”
Hansol chuckles for the third time in the past 7 minutes, and Seungkwan is at even more of a loss of what to do. What a mess. He wants bang his head against the table and scream until everything goes back to how it was before the kiss, but not only would screaming draw attention from everyone still in the library, it would probably get him banned from the place all together. Not to mention, it would also be the complete opposite of pretending everything is normal. In fact, it’d be extra not normal. And it’d mean Hansol would feel weirdly pressured to try and talk about everything and -
Shit.
If Seungkwan had only lied to Hansol about having a headache instead of going to that stupid party. Instead of seeing his stupid best friend doing a stupid dance right in the middle of the living room and allowing himself to be tugged onto the crowded floor by said idiot. Instead of dancing stupidly with the other and having the best time of his life making a fool out of himself with Hansol doing the same right in front of him. Realizing how close they were squished together, faces only an inch away, bodies pressed tightly. How much he wanted to kiss the other. Following through with the justification that Hansol would understand that it was a super casual, no feelings attached, kind of kiss.
Well.
He might consider it, but only because he hadn’t realized it would end up this way two weeks later. Like if a time traveler offered to take him back, he’d decline, but it’d be interesting to think about.
But no matter what Hansol believes and tries to convince Seungkwan of, time travelers do not exist. And if they did, they would definitely tell Seungkwan to just deal with his own shit instead of wasting their expensive equipment on his pitiful ass. So, fuck you too, time travelers. Seungkwan wouldn’t actually want to go back anyways.
A noise that sounds like someone pushing in a chair and standing up brings Seungkwan back to reality, reminding him of the conversation he is currently a part of. Geez. He hasn’t drifted away like that in years. He’s definitely going to take a whole self care month after all of this is sorted out.
Seungkwan just can’t be the one to do the sorting.
After what he guesses is about 30 seconds of neither of them speaking, he still can’t think of anything to say. But if Seungkwan were a pro at something, it’d be absorbing any uncomfortable energy in a room and hiding it with exaggerated confidence. So, like ripping off a band-aid that he’s been plucking at for days, he gains a spike of false courage and finally asks Hansol, who is standing with his own backpack on, “Oh, right. Um. I was going to get some dinner, do you want to come?”
Hansol’s wide eyes indicate that he’s a little shocked, but more noticeable is his shoulders. They lower and smooth out while a soft smile slowly grows on his lips. It’s like a breath of fresh air, honestly - watching Hansol visibly relax. Seungkwan thinks he can totally get onboard this whole vibe thing too now as he feels his own body follow suit. And suddenly it’s like nothing was ever wrong. This is the feeling Seungkwan is used to having around his best friend: like he’s surrounded by a shield of peace and serenity. He missed it. When Seungkwan takes his eyes off the other’s lips, they move to look up at the shining eyes that are staring right back at him. At that sight, Seungkwan can feel his lips turn upwards into a smile; the movement dragging Hansol’s attention down to his own mouth.
Then, right as Seungkwan notices his heart rate picking up and breath catching in his throat, he watches in slow-motion as a visible shiver runs down his best friend’s body. The other fidgeting before looking away. And just like that, the moment is gone.
Seungkwan loses the battle against his own psyche, and any confidence he had a few seconds ago disappears. But what makes Seungkwan want to run and hide the most is because he knows that the want currently gripping at his heart is the same as what he felt at the party two weeks ago. The problem is he can’t calm it by kissing the other this time because that would mean he’d have to finally address the gnawing feeling at the bottom of his stomach that he feels around his best friend. Not to mention, Hansol looks like the definition of uncomfortable at the moment.
He has two choices, he figures. There’s a fire alarm somewhere to his left by the stairway entrance. If he launches the calculator case at the exact right speed and precision, the entire building will have to evacuate and he’d get the chance to slip away from Hansol and his own embarrassment. The other option is less thought-out: it involves the bookcase that is towering behind himself and Hansol’s phone charger hanging in his right hand. But, inevitably, it ends with Seungkwan not having to watch Hansol regret kissing him.
“Sure, wanna get Subway?
Subway sounds pretty good actually. It’d be simple, too.
Wait, did Hansol say yes?
“Huh?”
“Uh, Subway?” Hansol says with confusion forming on his forehead, “We don’t have to go there. Just a suggestion. Cause you like, um, the meatball sub-”
Seungkwan’s mind is running like a first edition ipod. He has no control over his face at the moment, but something on it must be the reason Hansol stumbles out some more words.
“Or there’s that new place on fifth street. The noodle place? It’s probably still open now.” He taps his phone to check the time.
Seungkwan almost chokes on his words, but luckily he responds without any extra embarrassment, “Noodles sound good.”
Hansol’s mouth is open as if he was about to say more, but he just takes a breath, smiles and nods his head, “Okay”.
And so they begin walking toward the exit.
On their way, Seungkwan feels a notification ping in his pocket from his phone, so he reaches and sees a text from their mutual friend, Mingyu. Right as he is about to respond, however, Seungkwan notices Hansol pause out of the corner of his eye. When he turns his head to fully look Hansol’s way and ask the other what’s wrong, something in his best friend’s expression makes him turn his own head in the same direction where Hansol’s attention is trapped instead.
“Oh.” Is all he can say when he sees the white, glistening snow poor down, still visible in the dark night. The library’s giant windows display the scene like a beautiful painting.
“It’s snowing” Seungkwan says because he’s in a trance now too and his mouth likes to move on its own sometimes.
Hansol’s eyes, in their dreamlike state, turn to look at Seungkwan, so he reciprocates the action. It’s another 5 seconds of silence until Hansol, who looks again like he has something to say but decides against it, looks away and they make their way out of the library.
It’s chilly. That’s the first thing Seungkwan notices. The second is that the snowy night is even prettier outside than it was in the library.
Almost instinctively, he presses closer to Hansol, knocking his shoulder against his best friend’s bicep while they are walking. He doesn’t even notice how much closer they’ve gotten until he feels the other’s hand brush against his own.
There’s something about walking through campus on a snowy winter night with his best friend pressed up against his side that allows him to momentarily forget the current issue at hand. It’s really nice, actually. And Hansol seems to want to pretend there’s no tension either.
“Hey, Seungkwan” Hansol starts, and Seungkwan turns his face up to look at the other openly, “I wanted to, uh.”
Another notification ping in Seungkwan’s pocket interrupts him.
Seungkwan has half a mind to let Hansol finish what he was about to say and let the text message wait, until, all of a sudden, his self-destructive mind supplies him images of their kiss, and he feels a chill run down his back. All the previous serenity rushing out of his body.
So, like he was burned, he rips himself away from Hansol’s side and says, “Sorry, it’s probably Mingyu.” Then pulls his phone out from his pocket.
A couple seconds later he hears a sigh from where Hansol stands, now more than a foot away from him. He quickly realizes that there is nothing he wants more at this exact moment than to return to his place by Hansol’s side, but instead, he keeps his head locked on his phone until they reach the noodle place.
He notices the intense glow of the noodle restaurants sign when they come to a stop at a crosswalk. When it’s their turn to go, though, Hansol doesn’t move.
Seungkwan turns to look back at the other with a muffled “What?”, but feels nauseous as he gets a closer look at Hansol’s face and sees the tiredness on his face combined with tears in his eyes.
Hansol doesn’t look at him, though. He’s looking at the sky, at the snowflakes as they fall.
“Seungkwan, we need to talk”.
The snow continues around them, but all Seungkwan can do is watch his best friend, both motionless in the silence.
Then, “Yeah,” he says in a whisper, “okay”.
The crosswalk starts beeping, indicating that they have 10 seconds left to walk, so the two boys wordlessly agree that talking in a warm building would be better than standing outside in the cold any longer, and they finish the walk into the restaurant.
While inside, they place their orders at the counter and receive their drinks. It’s when they are both almost done with their meals that Hansol puts his chopsticks down and asks quietly, like he doesn’t want to hear the answer, “Do you hate me?”
Caught off guard, Seungkwan finds he’s at a loss of what to say. He doesn’t think he’d ever be able to answer a question like that. Not about Hansol.
But the other is looking even more fragile than when they first entered the restaurant, “Oh, God. You do.”
Quickly snapped out of his thoughts, he says, “What? No!”, almost shouting, but then a little quieter when he remembers they’re in a public place, “How could you think that?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?”
A few seconds later, Hansols explains, “I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
Oh.
“Had I known it was going to be like this, I promise, Seungkwan, I would have never done that” Hansol says, a serious expression on his face like he needs to make sure Seungkwan knows he regrets everything.
Oh, God. The pain is so much worse than Seungkwan could have ever imagined. A part of him can’t stop thinking about how this whole situation is so cliche, what with him getting rejected in a restaurant by a handsome boy and all that. As he processes everything, he starts to feel his body freak out against his will and his eyes start to water, not caring anymore about the other people around him.
“I just don’t want you to have to avoid me anymore.”
He barely even heard the sentence, except for “Avoid you?”
“Yeah,” Hansol has a hurt and dejected look on his face, but he carries on, “I thought that after you responded to my text, you wanted to hang out again. I was so happy, but then we didn’t talk the whole time and I-,” he pauses and takes a breath, seemingly to gather his emotions. Then, with a muted expression, he says with conviction, like this is that part he needed to talk about the most, “I wanted to give you space, Seungkwan, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this.”
And that stings, a lot.
“I didn’t know my feelings were so painful for you.” He responds because fuck that. Maybe he suspected the other was acting weird because he knew about Seungkwan’s feelings, but for Hansol to say it was hard on him that Seungkwan harbored more-than-a-friend type of feelings is really shitty.
“What?”
“I know that you know I like you, okay?” Because Seungkwan’s aware he’s an open book, thank you very much, “that’s why you couldn’t even look at me for a whole week, right?” He finishes and he can’t even feel embarrassed by his voice breaking off at the end. He’s hurt and anxious and mad because this whole ordeal is going down in the worst way possible, and if it wasn’t for that stupid kiss, he wouldn’t be worried about possibly losing his best friend right now.
“Wait, I think-”
He barely whispers, “I tried to act normal”, before the first tear falls down his face. And as quickly as he can, he rises out of his chair, throws away his left-over dinner and pushes the door outside.
Only to hear the ring of the restaurant door again right after it closes behind him.
“Come here.” Is all he hears Hansol breathe before being turned around in the arms of his best friend and pulled until their noses are almost touching.
The snow continued to fall in a soft glow, building up on the streets.
“Does that mean I’m allowed to kiss you again?” Hansol asks in a low voice. The question only meant for Seungkwan’s ears.
He meets the other’s eyes in a slow movement, a soft gasp leaving his lips. Hansol’s face is cold, he can tell from the tint of pink on his nose and the crispness of his eyelashes, but being less than an inch apart, Seungkwan feels nothing but warmth.
“Yeah, it does.”
So Hansol lowers his head just a little bit to account for Seungkwan’s height, lines their lips up, and kisses him for the second time.
And it’s just as amazing as he remembers.
After some time, the two pull apart, but only so far as to lean their foreheads together. A blush appears on Hansol’s cheeks, accompanying the pink from the chill in the air.
“I’m sorry, Seungkwan, I didn’t know.” He sounds raw from the fight they had in the restaurant, “I like you, too.” He pecks Seungkwan’s lips once more, “I always have”.
But Seungkwan knows that the past two weeks were not free from his own faults, so his eyes fall from their gaze, “I shouldn’t have avoided you, I’m sorry, too.”
Hansol kisses his forehead and then lifts his chin so that Seungkwan is looking at him again, “It’s okay. We’re okay, right?”. He asks, an assurance that all his questions can be answered by Seungkwan’s eyes.
“Yeah, Hansol.” Seungkwan responds, a smile growing on his own frostbitten cheeks. He puts his hands on Hansol’s neck, warming the other up and pulling him close for another kiss, “we’re okay.”