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Years of regrets, fear crept in a certain boy's mind have been bugging his whole existence and despite wanting to blink away his deepest vices, he just couldn't. Massive buildings surrounding his shadows as he walks his way to the nearest park from the hotel he was in.
It was a silent walk, with only his blurry shadow, and light steps towards the bench near a familiar ice cream shop. The guy silently walking while contemplating whether to go inside the shop, or just run away like he always does.
Like he always does when it comes to everything.
Never in his whole life he ever felt the guilt of being a coward for a cause, but there's one time. One time he ever felt the urge to yearn more of death to come quickly and take his breath away like how exactly he wanted. There will always be a first time in everything, and he was right. The first time he ever felt the guilt and regret mixed with every beer, or heavy drinks in the club every time he got the chance to free himself from guilt through alcohol beverages, letting himself taste different drinks with guilt mixed in it. The first time his heart being oblivous with his validation in life bcause of just one mistake.
And that one mistake will forever be crawling through his veins as he breathes; in or out, until he doesn't have the strength to do so.
“It's now or never, that's it,” he heaves a sigh before closing his eyes firmly. “Jihoon.”
He creates a thin line with his lips as he continue his pace towards the shop. He eyed his wristwatch, breathing heavily for the last time, before slowly opening the huge door of the shop. He was greeted with a busy noise of shop's staff, and different customers conversing.
“Jihoon! Here!”
He encountered a familiar pair of eyes looking at him, painting the latter's face a smile as if he's already okay.
Maybe he is?
He witnessed a beauty waving his hand happily as he point the chair across him. Jihoon stand stern, before heaves the ninth sigh of the day as he walks his way towards the smiling guy.
It's been 6 years since the last time he saw his most cherished love of all time smiling like the happiest man he always deserves to be. He never felt the lightness of his smiles once in a while, it was like his smile brightens not just his day, but the world rather, as a whole, because of how sparkly his eyes could be with his speaking eye smiles.
Nothing changed, it was the same guy he always admire with every piece of him. 6 years, and still him.
“I'm glad you're not that much busy unlike before, I was expecting you to get busier these days since your new branch opening is scheduled this sunday, plus wedding planning appointments. I'm happy that I could have some time with you, Mr. Park.” He jokingly said as he fishes something out from his bag. “Thank you for your time, Hoonie.”
“Nah, I'm not that busy. I can always make time.” For you. He wanted to blurt those words out but he stayed still, not wanting to bring any awkwardness with the way they converse. “What's with the sudden meet-up? Did something happen?”
The older man smiled at him, and Jihoon watched the way his hidden dimples appeared beautifully. The guy in front of him slides a piece of paper before smiling convincingly sweet. Jihoon gazed at the paper, and it made him pursue his lips.
“I don't really know how to exactly organize events. And I remembered you, that's why I personally want to ask you if I can hire as our wedding organizer this coming July? Hoonie?”
Years and years of dealing with guilt and regrets, permeating with his milky skin and enhaling every scent of fear, Jihoon, felt his whole world stopped. It's as if his words somehow a reminder that Jihoon, was never the one he sought to love forever, until the end of their lifetimes.
“Or at least, come to my wedding and be my guest. I'll be happier to see you while walking down the aisle, I'd cry a river.”
It feels like there's something wrong. Something that isn't right.
It was supposed to be Jihoon, right? It was supposed to be his turn to cry while waiting for his love of his life walking down the aisle to the altar—Ready to say their vows at once as they promise to stay together through thick and thin. His turn to compare Aphrodite's beauty to his supposedly husband as he tread towards him, right? His turn to convince himself how lucky he is to marry someone he always prayed for ever since his highschool days? His turn to make everyone jealous knowing that he can now brag his everything, marrying him. It was his turn to make the world know that he has the most gorgeous man as his husband, right?
It was supposed to be Jihoon, right?
“I'll go, gladly.” Jihoon simply replied.
There were 2 different kind of love they say; the greatest love and the true love.
Jihoon was his true love, but he was never the greatest. Like what he said the last time, they can eat peacefully at a street food cart, joke around the bookstores, hand in hand, without taking any suspicious stares from everybody, happily leaving their best lives together. As if it is their last.
Jihoon hoped for everything, and one of those is the older guy's happiness. He hoped, with no regrets, because their forgotten love will always be the best. Because at some point he knew, he became part of the man's life as a whole, he's certain that despite loving other person, the guy in front of him will never forget him like the back of his hand.
The best time of their lives, will never have a place in each others' forgotten memories.
They shared their peculiarities with each other, memorized their flaws, examined every locks and strands falling down to their creased foreheads, healing each other's wounds as if they're ready to fix one another, for somebody's own happiness.
As if they're fixing each other only to taken away from their grasps.
As if they were just readying themselves to another heartbreaks, and happiness.
For someone else.
Jihoon felt a sting inside of his feared veins as if one of those exploded out of pain knowing that the guy he always saw as the only good thing he ever encounter in his 31 years of existence, has found his way out of the darkness of the past.
“What about you, Hoonie? Are you planning to get married too? You're 31, and you deserves a helping hand, you know?” He mentioned while laughing, not minding the intent stares from the other.
Not even noticing Jihoon's pained eyes, nor the whispered confession of somebody whose heart have been suffering 6 years ago, 'til now.
“I don't know,” Jihoon clicked his tongue, looking at the older guy with a small smile.
“If it's not you, then it's not anyone, Suk.”
•••
Jihoon promised,
in middle highschool. Eyes on the smaller senior, observing how the boy's eyes disappears and forms crescents as he plasters a smile. He can see how the boy's hand plays the piano with a flustered expression, hearing different compliments from other schoolmates in the music room. He's at the end of his seat, secretly smiling at the view of somebody whom he always observe like how he take pictures of different flowers in the garden of their university. He captures the boy's blushing face as Jihoon compliments him, saying how well he plays the piano at the age of 16 despite being a year older than him, the boy felt flustered.
Jihoon witnessed the boy's features lights up when he got his deserved recognition medal from winning the last soccer game, smiling endlessly as if anytime it can replace the sun that blinds Jihoon. He watches the boy's gaze darted at Jihoon, nodding his head adorably as if he's giving Jihoon assurance, and it made the middle highschool lover boy, ache for more of his senior's smiles every single day.
Jihoon already witnessed the boy's downfall, crying over the upsetting game. He watched the older's strong facade in front of his teammates when they lost their last game before the seniors' graduation. Once everybody took off the bus, walking their own pathways with sad faces, there he saw. He saw the boy's face crumbles in sadness and cried himself out in the middle of a dark alleyway where Jihoon's neighborhood located. Nothing have been said, he just remembered how the boy cried on his shoulders, blaming himself for the whole upset while he's caressing the boy's back softly. Making him feel assured, and light. Saying sweet words that no one can ever hear from him unless they're the same boy he have love from his middle school until his college years.
He had seen everything. Hyunsuk's happiest moments, achievements, milestones, even his vulnerable states and uncertainties he faced.
He was there.
And so, here he is.
He locked eyes with the man walking down the aisle, smiling at him with teary eyes.
He is there.
Jihoon witnessed the whole ceremony. As Hyunsuk achieved the dreams he dreamed with Jihoon, with someone else holding his hands and saying their vows.
He is there.
“I didn't expect Jihoon to be here,” Mashiho murmured to Hyunsuk as they listen to Jihoon's voice, entertaining their guests telling different stories from their college. Jihoon's teasing Yoshi, the fine-man groom, and telling his second hand embarrassment from their college years. “I thought he's attending as the wedding organizer, but the fact that Yoshi made him his best man, that's kinda, I don't know—cool?”
Hyunsuk smiled at Mashiho before sipping his wine. “I'm just glad he's here.”
And then one man butted in their conversation, the one and only Junkyu, munching his cake like a kid. Mashiho looked at him in disgust and was about to shoo him away if not for his words that made Hyunsuk stop.
“He told me that he would be here. He promised back then that he'll be there on your happiest day, right?” Junkyu then shoved another spoonful of cake, earning another look from Mashiho.
“You look like a mole rat eating a cake, jeez.” Mashiho snorted, but Junkyu scoot closer with a proud smile.
“You love me though.”
“Fuck you.”
“Uh, it's the other way around, right?” With that, Mashiho elbowed Junkyu that made the guy choke on his munched cake.
Hyunsuk on the other side can't help but to get teary eyed.
“Yeah,”
His eyes darted at the man's laughing state on the stage, eyes' smiling like they always do.
“He promised.”
Jihoon promised, from his middle highschool that he will always be there, witness everything, and specially the happiest day of Hyunsuk's life.
He promised. And he fulfilled it with a happy heart, and for the first time, he never ran away from Hyunsuk like the last time.
He is there.