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The tracking rune led him in a familiar direction through the streets of London and James realized he was heading directly for Matthew’s flat. He reminded himself that he should be glad his wife was close enough to his parabatai to seek shelter and comfort with him, but the gnawing feeling of despair in his chest did not subside at the thought.
As he turned the corner onto the street, a flash of glowing crimson caught his eye. Sooner than his mind could react, his body was moving quicker than before to catch up to Cordelia as she approached the building. Like the well-trained Shadowhunter she was, Cordelia sensed him as he drew near, and spun quickly, reaching for her back before she realized that Cortana was not there. James noticed briefly that she didn’t appear to be armed at all and wondered if that was due to Lilith’s deceit or a sign of how quickly she had fled their house.
“What are you doing here?” she asked quietly, refusing to meet his eye, “Shouldn’t you be with Grace?”.
James reached for her, then pulled his hand back at the last second. He feared that she would recoil from his touch, and that would be far too painful for him to bear.
“Daisy, please, I know what you saw and heard must have seemed like a terrible betrayal but I am begging that you give me a chance to explain—”
Cordelia shook her head swiftly and cut him off. “I have always known how you felt and however I might have misunderstood you is my mistake to accept but I cannot listen, James, I cannot even look at you without hurting myself over and over again. Please, if you care for me at all, let me walk away now before I can no longer pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.”
“Daisy—” James swallowed the lump in his throat as he felt his chest tighten. To hear such pain in her voice was anguishing enough, and to know he was the cause was torturous.
“What’s going on?”
They both turned to see Matthew appear in the doorway, arms crossed as he leaned against the frame. James watched as he took in the scene before moving imperceptibly closer to Cordelia before turning to James.
“Don’t tell me this has to do with Grace Blackthorn, James, I am begging you to tell me otherwise.”
James ran his hand through his hair, trying to steady himself.
Cordelia turned to Matthew as she whispered, “I’d like to go up to your flat now if that would be alright.”
Matthew put his hand on her arm and made to lead her inside, shooting a glance full of emotion so strong that James could hardly handle it. Without thinking, he shouted out to their backs.
“The bracelet! It was the bloody bracelet, Grace told me everything and now I understand and I know I’ve ruined everything and hurt you unbearably but please, Daisy, please!”
Cordelia froze. James took it as a positive sign that she wasn’t still walking away from him. Matthew turned back towards James, his face full of cautious curiosity. He took that as a chance to continue.
“You both know of the bracelet Grace gave me years ago. Matthew, what you don’t know is that it broke just a half an hour ago and I felt like a fog had been lifted. That’s also when I noticed the engraving on the inside—'loyalty binds me'. I realized then that something about that bracelet had been pulling me to her, making me feel more for her than I truly did. It was both fortunate and completely unfortunate timing that she showed up when she did, yes, showed up because you both must know I have never invited her.” He paused, but Cordelia still would not meet his eye. Matthew looked equal parts intrigued and incredulous, neither of which James could blame him for.
“I will admit that I initially reacted with kindness to her arriving, but that was merely a ruse only to ensure she stayed long enough to give me the answers I needed. Indeed, she explained exactly how her mother and Belial gave her the power to seduce and command men and when that didn’t work on me, Belial provided the bracelet. Ever since Grace tricked me into retrieving it, I have bound to her by my grandfather’s curse and forget any romantic feelings for others. In fact, she seemed to think that the reason I was not affected by her to begin with was because—”
James stopped abruptly, suddenly nervous that Cordelia might not appreciate an admission of love right now. Or ever. His eyes glanced to where Matthew’s hand still rested on her elbow.
She tracked his gaze, and then finally looked up to meet his eyes, her own blazing with too many emotions to name. His breath caught in his throat as he beheld the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and wondered once again how he could have ever forgotten his love for her.
“Why?” she asked softly, her voice barely above a whisper as she held his gaze.
“What?” He had lost his thoughts in her eyes.
Cordelia took one cautious, infinitesimal step towards him but to James, it felt enormous.
“Tell me why you were not affected by her.”
James took a deep, steadying breath before replying as softly as she had spoken, “She claimed I was not affected by her because I was already in love with you, Daisy.”
She gaped at that, one hand rising shakily to cover her surprise as she shook her head doubtfully. “She gave you that bracelet when you were fourteen, James…I—I hardly believe that you even noticed me by—”
“I certainly had and I see now that she was entirely correct in her assumption. Daisy, I have loved you since I awoke from that fever with Dicken’s words on your tongue and the feeling of your warmth at my side and my love has only grown since.”
There was a long beat of silence as she continued to stare at him. James considered that interrupting the love of his life was perhaps not the best or most proper option and was wondering if he had truly ruined his chances when she finally spoke again.
“You remember,” she said, and James tracked a tear as it slid down her cheek. “I thought you had forgotten…you said that you couldn’t remember that time.”
“And I will never in my life be able to apologize enough for that lapse, I—I am utterly ashamed that I ever could forget such a thing,” James answered, eyes downcast as he shook his head ruefully. “I can only hope to beg forgiveness in explaining it off as a terrible side effect of the bracelet but I know that is far from a satisfactory excuse.”
He looked up to see that Cordelia had come much closer and he took the chance to search her eyes for any hope of forgiveness but saw only pain and sorrow. James opened his mouth to continue but Cordelia raised her hand. And shocked him to his core by placing it gently, ever so gently, on his cheek. He leaned his head into her touch, reveling in it for a moment before moving his own hand over hers to kindly lower it down.
“I am not deserving of such comfort, Daisy, not when such pain still sits in your eyes,” he said.
Cordelia laughed, a quiet, bitter sound that revealed no humor as she intertwined her fingers with his. “The pain is not my own, my love. I hurt for the lonesomeness and misery, the despicable manipulation that you have suffered in addition to all you were already dealt by your grandfather.”
James was not quite sure that he was still breathing or that his heart was still beating. All he was sure of was Cordelia and her voice as it replayed in his mind.
My love…my love.
He forced his lungs to inhale if only so he could respond. “But I have caused you so much anguish, I have hurt you time and time again.”
“Yes, I was hurt, but…so were you,” she said, eyes shining with tears, “through no fault of your own save kindness for a lonely friend.”
“Daisy is right, James,” Matthew spoke up, reminding James of his presence. “I now feel a tremendous guilt for all the hardship I gave you over Grace. I—I never imagined that none of this was your choice.”
James turned to his parabatai and was taken aback by the depth of sorrow in his eyes. He reluctantly released Cordelia’s hand and stepped forward to offer it to Matthew.
“Whatever the reason, I know I hurt you deeply as well and you know that I must bear your pain as though it was my own. Please, say that you can forgive me for my actions.”
Matthew shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips. “I promise you have far more to forgive in me than I ever could in you, Jamie,” he said, before pulling James abruptly into a tight embrace.
James closed his eyes as he felt tears begin escape and roll down onto Matthew’s shoulder. He was still understanding the deep loneliness and separation he had felt from his friends since he had been stuck under the bracelet’s spell, and was overcome with emotion now that it was lifted.
Matthew pulled back but kept his hands firm on James’s shoulders as he spoke roughly.
“I have much to share with you, my brother. Not now, for it is not yet my turn to begin rebuilding our trust, but soon I swear I will find the words to tell you…things I should have long ago.”
James nodded at that. “Whenever that day comes, I will be waiting with open arms, Math.”
The pair shared a long look before Matthew stepped back.
“If you would still like to come up to my flat you are more than welcome, Cordelia,” he said smoothly. “But I would gather there are places you would rather be.”
Cordelia blushed lightly at that, and James traced the pinkness in her cheeks with his eyes. He was struck once more with the certainty that he would never, could not possibly ever, forget this fascination with her ever again. He reached out his hand to her, an offering of apology, and forgiveness, and trust, and most of all hope.
“Will you come home with me, Daisy?”
Cordelia placed her hand in his and gave him a smile so brilliant that no words or likeness could have ever captured.
“Take me home, James.”