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It was a long hard fight and Bright thought, maybe he should stop fighting for it.
Bright is staring at the huge facility in front of him. He travelled for a long time and now that he arrived a few hours earlier than his schedule, he’s feeling all the tiredness he bared for hours. He’s holding his luggage that is quite big for his temporary stay, staring at it, thinking about why he brought so much clothes when he won’t be able to use them all.
He can’t wait.
He roamed his eyes and noticed that this facility is exactly what he had expected. It is full of blue, black and gray tones, a little to no plants, cold and full of tension. The staff look tired and the patients are just… blank. Overall, the place looks hopeless, monochrome, dull. In short, lifeless.
Just like what he expected.
A familiar tone rang, indicating it is time for his medicines. He lazily opened his bag but stopped midway. There’s no need, he thought. Why did I even bother to bring all of this?
“Mr Vachirawit?” He heard a nurse calling his name so he stood up. “This way please.” The nurse guided him towards the right side of the building where the quarters can be found. He glanced at the left side curiously, wondering when he could finally go there.
He can’t wait
✧✧✧
Bright is bored. He didn’t know he’s still capable of feeling this. He explored the whole room, fixed his things, watched movies and he still doesn’t know what to do. He’s now lying down in his bed, staring at the ceiling. His head is hurting more frequently than before and he knows he made the right decision. It is enough.
His eyes wandered until it reached the window pane, it was already dark outside. He grabbed his hoodie and decided to get some fresh air. He also wants to see the stars, his only source of comfort.
As Bright was about to go out, he heard noises. Surprised by the sudden sound, he followed it only to find stairs, rusty and brittle stairs. He’s kind of reluctant climbing up but he still did. There’s nothing to fear, it’s gonna end soon anyways.
This is his best decision so far. The view was breathtaking— literally and figuratively. Millions of stars spread throughout the sky, the moon, in its full form and fresh air, enough for him to not feel cold, it was serene. Bright is lucky. He found an old, but sturdy chair, in a perfect place to see everything. It is like someone really put that chair in that place. I guess I’ll enjoy it here.
Bright hugged himself and stared at the stars. Like what he always does, he starts talking them. And like before, he felt a huge relief saying all his worries to the universe.
It was getting too late so he decided to call it a day but Bright promised himself that he’ll go back here, every night.
✧✧✧
The next night was kind of shaky, there are nurses everywhere, doctors running and some people, including nurses, are crying. The facility that was lifeless is now in shambles. Maybe the person who died is that relevant. He paid no heed and excitedly went to his rooftop, wishing that no one saw him. But not like the other night, he found someone sitting on his chair.
He noticed that the man was wearing a white clothes, not for patients like him, but for nurses. He works here and Bright, he is doomed. He knows it’s against the rules to wander at night. He’s about to go back but the person talked.
“The stars look more beautiful here, right?” The man is still looking up, smiling and his eyes twinkling.
“Yeah, it feels like it’s another world up here.” Bright replied. In a normal situation, Bright won’t even reply to anyone who will talk to him but they are talking about the stars and Bright is interested in anything related to it.
The nurse smiled at him and offered another chair. Where did that came from? He didn’t saw any chairs other than the one the nurse was using before. Bright just obliged, scared to get reprimanded for disobeying rules.
“This is my go-to place whenever I feel troubled. The stars always, always calm me down.” Bright nodded, agreeing with what the nurse just said. He remained quiet, respecting the silence that he thought the nurse needed. Maybe he’s one of those people who were weeping earlier. The nurse looks sad, like he’s burdened by the problems of the whole world. His eyes glistened with tears but it just reflected the light from the moon and the stars-- broken but beautiful , still. Bright also looked up, trying to divert his thoughts and admiring the beauty of the cosmos. He knows in a few days, he won’t see this beauty again. The thought of not seeing the stars again saddened him.
But he will go to a place a lot closer to the stars soon, he assured himself.
It’s cold, a lot colder than the other night.
“You should go back, you are not wearing a jacket.” The nurse, now looking at him with a warm smile, also stood up.
“Let’s go?” He’s warm. Despite the coldness of the night, the man feels warm and it’s unusual. His aura does not fit this cold, lifeless place. Bright felt safe.
“What’s your name?” Bright asked.
“I’m Win. It was nice meeting you, Bright. I hope you don’t mind if I stay here.” Bright nods, touching the nameplate on his clothes.
Bright thinks it feels nice. It feels nice to meet someone who has the same fascination for stars.
Maybe he’ll somehow enjoy his short stay in this cold facility.
He can’t wait for the next night.
✧✧✧
The place went back to normal. After all the chaos, everything went back to its places like nothing really happened. Bright realized it will happen once his time comes. Their lives will go on, they will continue to live and serve their purposes while he gets the peace all he ever wanted in his life. People who are lucky enough will go on with their lives while someone else's stops. But it's neither their fault, that's just how life is shaped.
Bright went up to the rooftop carrying these thoughts. When he reached the place, Win was already there. He got there first, again. Win’s attention is still on the stars when he sits down beside him.
“Bright can I ask you something?” Win started. Somehow, Bright already knows what Win is going to ask. He was asked about it too many times now. He knows and he prepared an answer for it. He nodded a little, gesturing Win to continue.
“Why are you here?”
“I am tired.” Bright paused, now staring back at the stars. “I fought for this battle my whole life. It already felt like a loop, like I am fighting so hard to lose again and again, maybe it’s enough? I can be tired too, right?” Bright remembers everything he's been through; all the pain, all the tears, everything.
“And I'm alone, for whom am I going to fight?”
Silence envelopes the whole place. Win finding the right words to say and Bright thinking about how lucky he was with his family, how they spent their whole life loving him unconditionally, giving him what he needs and fighting with him all the way. But the universe plays well. The same universe he admires took the life of his family in just a snap.
In just a snap, the same universe he admires took his will.
“For yourself. You should fight for yourself. Life is a blessing and time is a gift. You should treasure every single second of it.” Win sounds convincing. His eyes full of sincerity and for a second, Bright wanted to believe Win. But he heard all kinds of positivities everyone is feeding him.
“I don’t know.”
The atmosphere became heavy, and Bright doesn’t want that, specially that this place is supposed to be their safe space where they find peace and comfort.
“How about you? How did you end up a nurse at this hospital.” Bright attempts to change the subject. He thinks that Win’s personality doesn’t match the overall mood of this hospital.
“I always wanted to be a nurse. I like assisting people, helping them with their needs, whether it is a patient or a doctor. Whenever I help someone, it feels like my life has its purpose, like I am here for a reason.” Win smiled at the thought. He remembers all the people he helped, all the smiles that he brought back and all the lives he saved.
“But… why here?” Of all facilities, why here in this hopeless place? Win just smiled.
“It’s a calling. It may sound funny but it is like the universe put me here, that it knows that this place is where I am needed the most. They said I have a bright smile and patients would love to see me smiling.” Win faced Bright and smiled brightly at him, showing his smile that can help the patients, the smile that they love.
It doesn’t make sense. How could a smile help other people? How could his smile ease their pain?
But then again, it all made sense.
“Yeah, you really have a beautiful smile.”
There is something about that smile that I really want to see-- that I am looking forward to seeing every night.
✧✧✧
As weird as it seems, they only meet every night, when the stars are alight and the moon is mellow. But it is expected since Bright rarely goes out, too tired to socialize with someone who isn't Win.
The next night, they got to know each other more. They listened to each other’s stories until dawn. They listened to each other's rants, from deep to trivial stories like how many times it took for Win to find the vein in his first injection, how Win memorized his colleagues’ coffee order-- even their allergies, how many times he got heartbroken by someone's death and how Win got to overcome it.
Bright is fascinated by Win’s stories. He spent most of his time at the hospital but he didn’t experience any of these. He only sees hospitals as a facility that can prolong his life, he failed to notice that hospitals have its own life.
Win continued talking about his life, how he survived college, how many terms he needed to memorize-- even showing off all of the terms he can remember to Bright, and how he basically lived his life like how a normal person does. He got to know Win not just in white scrubs, but he got to know Win in his best and worst clothes. He got to know his personality, his likes, dislikes. Even for a short time, Bright got the chance to see Win’s soul.
They got the chance to get to know each other, under the millions of stars and glazing moonlight. Bright not only found a safe space, but also a great companion, a great comfort… and hope. With Win’s help, Bright forgets he’s ill. Bright forgets why he is here, and why he is giving up. Bright is being way more comfortable than he should. He realizes that it really is Win’s gift.
Before he notices it, Win is already holding his phone. A familiar instrumental started playing. Can’t help falling in love. What a great song choice, what a great timing. Win played that song and stood up, swaying to the beat— offbeat but who cares.
The sight looks astonishing. Bright is still sitting down, looking up at Win who is dancing freely with his eyes closed, with the stars making the scenery more breathtaking. Win is dancing with the stars shining behind him. He looks so beautiful, everything is so beautiful and Bright is thankful he’s lucky enough to see this beauty.
Bright is still lost in his thoughts when Win approached him and held his hands. He gently guided Bright to stand up, urging him to dance with him.
“Bright, let’s dance.”
“Win, I don’t know how to dance.”
“Do you think I know how to? Plus, it’s only you and me! Do you think I care about your skills?” Win is flapping Bright’s hands, forcing him to sway his body.
“Just dance, Bright. Don’t think.” Bright chuckled.
Yeah, just dance, don’t think.
It only took a minute for Bright to start swaying offbeat-- much worse than Win. He danced as if it’s his last, he danced as if his whole life depended on it and Win liked it. He liked that Bright let go of his doubts, he liked that Bright let himself be free, even for a moment.
Bright danced while looking at the other's eyes, which is way more beautiful than the stars. Win’s eyes are reflecting thousands of stars and swear, Bright saw the galaxy in those eyes. Eyes to eyes, Bright and Win danced to the rhythm of the song, their hearts intertwining and their soul becoming one, with the stars and moon— the whole universe watching them.
✧✦✧
“Why is that you always reach this place first and leave last? Are you even sleeping?” Win paused at Bright’s sudden question. He faltered a bit before smiling.
“Bright, I am a nurse. I can stay awake for consecutive days. Straight.”
“Fair. But please, sleep! You’re getting pale! And change your clothes or at least wear scrubs with lively colors.” Bright responded and teasingly smiled. He’s smiling more frequently now.
“When is your schedule?” Win asked. Bright’s face dropped, he forgot that he’s dying and his time with Win is limited.
“The day after tomorrow.” He averted his gaze.
It’s a lot colder than yesterday.
Win nodded. “I wish I met you a lot earlier.” Win looked at Bright meaningfully. Win’s eyes are more serious than ever, sad but still glowing. Bright can see that Win is sad. He is genuinely sad.
Bright and Win’s bond cannot be described by words. They are in the middle of something and nothing. Deep down they know what and who they want but it’s literally a matter of life and death and time is ticking faster than before. They are too scared to name their feelings, too scared to even risk taking a step knowing that a limit awaits them.
“I wish… we can stay here longer… Bright, I'm scared. ”
Win whispered the last words. Bright smiled shakingly. He never knew there is still someone who is scared to lose him. He never knew someone still wants him, someone like Win.
Can this night not end?
“Me too, Win. I wish we can stay here a little bit longer.” Bright whispered the words like a wish and he thought, maybe climbing the stairs isn’t his best decision yet.
✦✧✦
It is Bright’s last day. He hurriedly went up the stairs to talk to Win. He is welcomed by the stars, the moon and Win. He silently sat down beside him.
“Bright…” Win started, while still staring at the stars. “I guess this is the last time we’ll see each other… I don’t want to say goodbye or see you later because that’s not so me but I really hope to meet you again, not so soon but later. Thank you for keeping me company.” His voice is soft, too soft that Bright almost missed it.
Win is the mature one between them. Ever since, he understood that everything that is happening to them is temporary. But not because he anticipated this, he wouldn't be sad.
Win is about to cry. Bright wants to laugh, it sounds like he’s dying.
It is supposed to be Bright’s last day but he doesn't want to leave all these behind. He doesn't want to leave Win behind. Maybe this really is Win’s purpose— to give hope. He is the reason, the sole reason and it is more than enough.
Before meeting Win this night, he had already withdrawn from the procedure. He realized he wants to be with Win for the rest of his life. For the first time after years, he felt things he hadn't felt. He felt that his existence matters and for the first time, he fell in love.
Life is a continuous battle. We are all fighting for our lives, maybe in different battles, in different situations. Maybe some are struggling to get up, some are fighting with ease armored glamorously. Maybe we will get some bruises and scratches but it is up to us if we will continue fighting or let ourselves wilt in the middle of it.
And Bright chose to fight.
His illness can fuck with him all his life but he will die fighting. He has Win and there’s nothing to fear.
“Win I won’t die, I refuse to. I’ll spend my remaining time here with you.” Bright grabbed Win’s hands. It’s cold. “Win, for the first time, I felt hopeful. I felt alive, I felt happy.. It is all because of you, so I won’t die. I will stay for you.” Win only cried harder, both happy tears and… grief.
“But Bright, I am dead.”
Win’s voice keeps ringing and it is only getting louder. Bright’s breath hitched, his knees became weak, his heart dropped, his whole body became numb and if he’s not sitting, he has already wilted on the floor.
How did this happen?
Everything flashes back in his mind; their first meeting, the chaos, Win’s eyes. The puzzle pieces are now fitting together, he didn’t even noticed.
“I’m only here to say goodbye at this place but you came into the picture, the universe guided me to you. My only purpose here is to help you… to help you find the will again. I succeeded, right? But who would’ve guessed I’d fall in love with you… ”
“I would love to be with you in your remaining days but Bright, I can feel that I'm gonna leave soon, farther than we could imagine. I am so scared, Bright.” Bright didn’t imagine this to happen. He didn’t expect this. This isn’t a part of what he planned.
Now, what. What’s gonna happen? He cannot change his decision, again. He doesn’t want to.
“Win, until when.”
“Later.”
It’s too soon. Sooner than he thought. They only have a few moments left. Bright decided to be strong, he needs to. He needs to collect himself and cherish this little moment they only have.
He’ll just break down after all of this.
“Can you… hold me until I disappear?”
“Gladly. I’ll hold you until you disappear, and even after that.”
“Can you sing me a song? I wanna hear your voice before I...”
“Anything for you.”
Bright sang, more emotional than ever. His voice faltering, shaking but who cares. He’s swallowing all the tears, all the pain, all the emotions he is feeling all at once. It's too soon. He didn’t know it would end up like this. Bright still can’t accept the fact that he’ll lose Win before his life starts again. He can’t accept it, not now, but maybe soon. He has no choice but to accept the reality. Life is such a bitch.
“Can you promise me that you will live your life? That you will live well, that you will fight for the both of us?” Win’s eyes are pleading. The stars are reflected from his tears. It only made anything harder.
Bright nods his head. How could he say no? But even if Win didn’t ask him to, he will still live , even in numbered days because that's what Win taught him; to live for himself.
“It’s time to leave, i’ll see you, Bright.” Bright closed his eyes. He isn't ready for this and he… he can't watch Win leaving. He felt a warm kiss on his forehead and the person he’s holding is slowly disappearing, turning into wind, into nothing.
I’ll see you again, not soon but later.
The night passed with Bright sitting in the middle of the place alone, again.
✦✦✦
Bright, after withdrawing from the procedure was fostered by a foundation. It helped him a lot, from shouldering his fees to providing him shelter. Starting over is difficult and having a whole foundation to support you is a luxury.
Bright stayed bright. He radiates hope; Win’s encouragement stays on his heart. He's always looking forward to tomorrow but it is also obvious that he's longing for someone that wouldn't come back anymore. Anyone can see there is a hollowness in his heart that only one person could fill.
He’s currently staying at one of the foundation’s quarters, far from the facility he’s from. He likes it here. It's like the place is picked for him; The apartment complex higher than the average building, windows as large as the doors covered my thick curtains, and above all, he got the place where the stars can be seen so clearly. But it made him miss Win even more that’s why he never removed the curtains from the windows. It took weeks before Bright had the courage to see the stars again.
Climbing to the rooftop became a part of Bright’s daily routine. He talks to them like he's talking to him. It makes his day complete and bearable. He has companions, who can understand his condition better but it feels different, talking to the stars, the moon-- the universe
to him.
Dancing to the song Can't Help Falling in Love also became his habit. He closes his eyes and pictures the nights when he was still at the facility. He dances with himself, feeling only the cold breeze hugging him and the humid air prickling his skin. He pretends that someone is dancing with him.
Someone unlike the wind.
Like the other night, he played the song and danced and danced and danced. He always does this to the point that he already memorized every note and every lyrics of this song. He closed his eyes and let the wind guide him.
But unlike before, he felt someone dance with him.
Win?
Afraid that it's just an illusion, a dream, he kept his eyes closed though his tears are flowing nonstop. The song ended but the familiar hands are still on his. It's odd, it's warmer from what he remembers.
Bright opened his eyes and saw Win smiling dearly.
“I was gone for a little time but you still can't dance?” Bright cried harder as he felt the man hugged him.
“Win, you're here, you're here.” He hugged him tighter, afraid that if he let go, he would not be able to hold him again.
“Am I dead?” Win chuckled and Bright is still confused.
“No, Bright. You're alive and well. I’m sorry it took me so long to go back to you.” Bright listened intently, his whole attention fixed on Win with his hands messily clasping the other’s.
“That moment I thought I’m leaving, it was because I am gaining consciousness. I had a concussion and I was comatosed for a few weeks. When I woke up, all I was thinking about was you… I tried to find you but they said that you left already and a foundation fostered you. That made me really happy, you know? But I needed time to get back to normal, I was so weak and I wanted to be strong when we meet again. You don't know how much I missed you and how much I longed for you.”
“Thank you for bringing me back to life, Win.”
Win gently patted Bright’s, now hairless, head.
“You did that to yourself Bright, you brought yourself back to life. All I did was to stand beside you.” Win is thankful Bright didn’t give up. He’s thankful that he’s here, standing with him.
Win is again crying and so is Bright. They are holding each other, afraid that one will slip away, again.
“I’m so proud of you, Bright.”
Win is back and he's here with him. Bright promised that he’ll fight harder now that he has Win back at his arms again.
It is a long hard fight and Bright is still fighting for it.
He has all the reason to fight harder now that his star is back. Bright looked up to thank the universe for not taking his star and swear, the stars glow brighter than before.
The universe watched as they promised that they won’t leave each other even if the stars lose their shine.
-end ✦