Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You are elbow deep in dirt when he comes up the pathway to the garden plot. Most of the 77th class have been polite enough to you, but it was very rare that you got a visitor because the garden was pretty out of the way. It was fine really, it was going to be a while before any of the vegetables you were planting would even start to sprout so there was no reason for visitors. Hinata would drop by every now and again, though it always felt like it was out of obligation more than genuine concern. So seeing the figure in the distance slowly coming closer is a real shock. 

You tip the brim of your straw hat up so you can take a look at your visitor. It’s someone you’ve never seen before, and with the small number of people on the island, that was an exciting development. You give him a warm smile and a small wave as he comes to a stop at the edge of the garden bed.

His brow furrows and his mouth pulls into a tight line, “Who are you?”

You laugh, “You must be the last one to wake up! Did Hinata not warn you about me before you started your walk?”

“I...no, he didn't.” He crosses his arms, and the sunlight bounces off the back of his metallic hand, “Hajime is in a meeting.”

You clap a palm to your forehead and laugh at yourself, “Silly me! I forgot it was meeting time, how do I keep forgetting something that happens once a week?” You take a moment to bring yourself up to your feet, dusting the dirt off of your overalls, “Did they let you leave early?”

He laughs breathily, “no, that's not it. I wasn't invited.” He swallows, looking down at the ground, “I'm not sure they've all forgiven me for…”

“Oh.”

He doesn't need to finish. The specifics of what went on in the Neo World program were not divulged to you, but you know enough.

“Well, i’m sure they'll come around eventually. Tsumiki had to drop by to check on a nasty bug bite I got a few days ago and she said that everyone was already starting to warm back up to her.” You smile up at him, “You’ll be okay.”

He doesn't say anything, he just blinks at you slowly, his white hair blowing in the breeze. You clear your throat, “well, since you're here. Do you think you could water the seedlings as I plant them? I'll finish up much quicker if you're happy to help.”

“Um.” He looks around for a second, seeming hesitant to answer, “...sure.” 

“Thanks! Two hands make light work, you know?” You hoist the full watering can up from the ground and pass it into his awaiting hands. The handle clinked against his metal palm, “And your name - It’s Komaeda, yeah?” 

“Mm.” He replies, “Komaeda Nagito.” 

“Okay! Well, we need to move onto the empty plot up the back, follow me!” You say, and start walking. Komaeda is a decent bit taller than you, but it feels like his steps are laboured, he'd probably only been awake for a few days and had just re-learned how to walk.

“You never answered my question.” He says

You look at him over your shoulder, his face is already turning a little pink from the sun, “what question?”

“I asked who you are.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry. I can be forgetful sometimes.” You crouch down to the ground and dig a small hole in the dirt before grabbing a seedling and burying it inside, “I'm from the Future Foundation, I stayed behind to get the farm set up so you guys will still have food if something goes wrong with a shipment. Water that one, but be careful not to drown it-” you point to the seedling you’d just planted and then move onto the next, “I should only be here a couple of months longer.”

“Oh! The ultimate gardener! What a hopeful talent!” Komaeda says, watering the seedling before giving you a blinding smile, “nurturing life itself! What could possibly be more hopeful than that?”

“Oh no! Please don't misunderstand. I'm not an ultimate.”

He blinks at you, “not an…”

“The ultimate farmer is on the mainland. Somewhere near Kyoto.” You wipe the sweat from your brow and look up at the sky, watching the clouds pass over the sun, “the ultimate botanist didn't make it through the riots and the ultimate gardener was in Australia last we heard. The Foundation did ask if they wanted to come, but the answer was a no and they weren't going to force them.”

You give Komaeda a polite smile, “I'm just a regular person who likes gardening. That isn't so bad, is it?”

Komaeda comes back the next week. You don't ask if he skipped the meeting or if he still wasn't invited, because either way you are glad for the company. He grabs your watering can again and starts following you around as you check on all the seedlings you had planted the week before, he doesn't have much to say. He seems content to water your plants as you walk from plot to plot, it’s good he’s here, the plants do need diligent watering. The sun on the island is always hot and there hasn't been a drop of rain in the month or so since the foundation left you on the island.

“You said you aren't an ultimate.” Komaeda says, snapping you from your rhythm. Today is less labour intensive, so you are wearing a knee length sundress instead of your overalls. Komaeda is still in jeans and a coat, you are worried about him getting heatstroke. 

“I did.” You reach out and finger the leaves of a particularly sad looking carrot, “it sounds like you have a question. Go on, don’t be shy.” 

He nudges you out of the way so he can give the sickly carrot some water, “I didn’t know the Future Foundation hired those without talent.” 

You laugh at that. A gentle chuckle that rises up from your chest, “Every business needs someone to get the coffee, and there are only so many ultimate personal assistants in the world.”

Komaeda is listening carefully, his head cocked gently in a way that makes the sunlight glint off his hair. 

“I think there were about 50 of us normal people in the building, but there must be more out in the field and across the globe. There aren’t nearly enough ultimates to fill every spot at the foundation, and some of them wouldn’t even help us much. Hiring an ultimate firearms expert to file taxes would be a waste, you know what I mean?”

“Hm.” Komaeda says in lieu of a real reply. His lips are pulled tight and his brows are drawn, he is thinking a lot harder about this than you had expected him to. So hard that he loses focus on the plants he is watering.

“Hey.” You start, reaching up to place a hand on his cold metal wrist, “I think that one has had enough.” 

His eyes flick to the carrot he is drowning, and he wrenches the watering can away, Looking at the soaking patch of soil with an expression of forced acceptance, “Ah. My apologies. I’ve ruined your garden...not that it comes as a surprise.”

“We’ve all killed a plant. Gardening is a crapshoot.” You gesture widely to the rest of the plot, “that’s why you plant so many! Kill one plant, kill a hundred, it doesn’t matter. There will still be plenty left.”

He laughs bitterly, tucking his free hand into his pocket, “not if I kill them all.” 

Your heart reaches out for him. For the sad boy who thinks he is so cursed that one drowned plant foretells the death of a thousand. Whatever happened inside the simulation was none of your business, But you can’t help but wonder if it made him like this, or if this is how he has always been. A gust of wind picks up and blows past the garden, picking up dirt and leaves as it swirls past you and through Komaeda’s hair. He is very pretty, you decide.

“Unless you decide to stomp on every plant, you aren’t going to kill them all.” 

He meets your gaze, his mouth curled in an imitation of a smile, but you can see his eyes are sad, “with my luck...you never know.”

It is a few weeks this time before you see him again. His green coat is rolled up to the elbows and there is an ill fitting wide brimmed hat on his head, it looks like his hair is all squished underneath it. As he comes closer you notice that the skin on his face is flaking.

“Sunburn?” You ask

He looks away sheepishly, “Mikan wouldn't let me outside again until it went away.” 

“Dr. Tsumiki to the rescue! Good on her!” You exclaim, jumping up from your spot in the garden, “can I...take a look?” 

“Mikan already checked on it this morning.” You can hear the creak of his metal hand clenching and unclenching at his side, “she’s the ultimate nurse, she won’t have missed anything.” 

“I know, I know. But I took a first aid course in middle school, so don’t doubt my expertise.” You chew on your lower lip, squinting up at where the sun disappears behind Komaeda’s head, “Please. I just...I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

He raises his hands, almost like he is planning to shove you away, but then he lets them drop, “hm. Okay.” You take a step towards him, the top of your head only reaches his collarbones. His eyes flit between you and the middle distance as you draw closer and he gives you an uneasy smile, “everything accounted for?” He asks.

You chuckle, “yeah, your nose didn’t burn off or anything. Did Tsumiki give you sunblock? The hat won’t be enough.” 

“She did. It smells weird.” He crosses his arms in front of himself as you continue examining the flaking skin on his face, “can I ask you something?” 

You make a sad noise at a particularly large skin peel under his left eye, your hand itches to touch it, “uhhh. Sure.” You manage, forcing yourself to look him in the eye. 

“Did the foundation scout you? Or did you apply?” 

“Uh, both? Sort of.” Your hands are getting fidgety, so you clench them at your sides to keep them still, “i was actually a student at Hope’s Peak in the reserve course and they were running through the list of students to see if anyone survived. Last they heard um…” you try to focus on anything but Komaeda’s intense eyes, “last they heard, it was just me. I mean, I’m sure there are others who maybe evacuated or didn’t answer the phone. It can’t actually just be me, right?”

“How did you make it out?”

You sigh, “I didn’t. I was sick with the flu the week the riots started, and once my parents heard about what was happening they didn’t let me go back to school.” You can feel your voice getting shaky, “lucky break, huh?”

“So the rest of your cohort died in the name of despair, while you sat at home in bed, huh?” His eyes are cold as he looks at you. His vitriol is palpable, “am I getting this right?” 

You shrug one shoulder, “pretty much.”

His eyebrows jump up at that, “you admit it?” 

“Yeah, no reason not to.” You kneel down to the ground and start absentmindedly weeding around a strawberry patch. They are growing nicely, and it doesn’t look like any birds have been trying to eat them either, “I know that it wasn’t technically my fault what happened there, but the fact that one small change would have left me in the same boat as the rest of the reserve course, well…” you pull back some of the leaves, and smile at the sight of tiny green strawberries just beginning to grow, “I’ve been trying make my good fortune worth something. That’s why I joined the foundation, and why I decided to stay here and help all of you. I know I don’t have a talent, but there are plenty of things I’m good at! So I think that doing my best to bring hope back to the world in whatever small ways I can, is better than doing nothing at all.”

“But surely you must understand that any meagre hope you bring to the world will be inconsequential compared to the deeds of ultimates.” Komaeda replies, staring down at you. With you crouched low in the garden bed and his already impressive height, he makes an intimidating figure. You swallow, “Doesn’t that upset you? Don’t you feel worthless?”

Something clicks into place when he says that. His tone has changed and he sounds far away, like he is talking to someone else. You feel yourself soften, “Why should it upset me?”

“Huh?”

“I can't sing well enough to perform in a stadium, but my voice is perfect for lullabies. I couldn't cook in a five star restaurant, but my class loved my brownies.”  You smile up at Komaeda, you can't help noticing he looks radiant in the sunlight, “I once watched the ultimate farmer plant a pumpkin under concrete and it still managed to grow straight through. I could never do that, but what I can do is grow enough food for you and the rest of the people on this island. Hope is still hope, even if it’s small. Right?”

Komaeda just stares at you for a few seconds, All is silent but for gulls and the ocean off in the distance. one curl of hair has escaped from under his sun hat and it flutters in the light breeze. Your heart is racing when you realise how desperately you want to tuck it behind his ear. 

Then, finally. He moves. He crouches down at your side, close enough that you can see flecks of gold in his eyes, “can you teach me?” 

“Teach you…?” 

“How to garden.” He rests his elbows on his knees and leans in to take a closer look at your crop, “I’ve looked after a few pot plants in the past, but when you leave we’ll need someone to look after the farm so-“

“That’s a wonderful idea.” You said, beaming at him, “I’d love to help!” 

“I hope I won’t be too much of a burden.”

You rest your hand on his and for some reason his skin feels electric, “Komaeda.” You breathe, and his eyes meet yours, “You could never be a burden.”

“Nice shirt.” You say the next time Komaeda comes to visit. When he expressed interest in helping you garden, you’d told him that he absolutely couldn’t show up in his big green coat unless he wanted to ruin it and pass out from heatstroke. Sending new clothes over seemed to be very low on the foundation’s list of priorities, so the other folks on the island spent a lot of time raiding the old Jabberwock island gift shop.

Komaeda’s new shirt is at least three sizes too big, he has it tied in a knot at the right hip to keep it from hanging down to mid thigh. The front of it reads in a bold bubblegum font, “Jabberwock Rocks!”

He laughs, “It was the only one left that wasn’t in kids sizes. Just my luck.” 

Most of his white hair is pulled up in a high ponytail, but some of the shorter bits at the front are hanging in his eyes. He lifts one arm up to tuck some behind his ear and the shirt creeps up a little on the side he’s knotted. You see a flash of his skin, it’s suddenly hard to swallow. 

“Oh, i wasn't trying to be facetious. I mean it, you look comfortable.”

He shrugs one shoulder, “It is comfortable I guess, even if i am swimming in it.” 

“Well that’s good, because we’re actually doing some more planting today.” You gesture for Komaeda to follow you as you head out towards your newest garden bed, you’d spent the last three days tilling and fertilizing so it was finally ready for seeds, “It’s not a huge plot, and with you here I’m sure we’ll be finished nice and quick!”

He tilts his head at you, for some reason you find yourself taking notice of the way the large shirt dips under his collarbone. You swallow, “I thought you were done with planting?” He asks

“Oh, I was! This is just for my own enjoyment.” You reply, bending down to grab a spare trowel and a collection of seeds to pass to Komaeda, “We’re planting flowers. Sunflowers specifically.” 

“Just because you like them?”

“I mean mostly because i like them. Tanaka also came by a few days ago looking for a more sustainable food source for his hamster- ah sorry. Dark Devas of Destruction.”

Komaeda nods pensively, “And they can eat sunflower seeds. I do remember him mentioning that.”

“So yeah, two birds one stone.” You crouch down and work on planting your first seed, gesturing for Komaeda to do the same, “I think it will be nice for you guys to have something pretty on the island. Sustainability is all well and good, but most people wouldn't want to live on tofu alone, if you know what i mean.”

He follows your lead, crouching down opposite you and copying the way you plant the seeds. Albeit slower and with shakier hands. They’re very nice hands, his fingers are really pretty. You feel your cheeks burning from more than just the sun, and quickly direct your attention back to the soil as you move onto planting the next seed. 

“Have you…” Komaeda starts, still too focussed on his planting to look at you, “ever wanted a talent?”

“Of course I have. I get a little caught up sometimes in who i am supposed to be, and what my path in life is and I wonder if maybe having a talent would give me some clearer direction.” Komaeda is looking up at you now, there's a smudge of dirt on his cheek, “I’m not always that philosophical about it though, I get jealous like everyone else does. I try not to let it bother me too much, when I can, I work on focusing on the good parts of being talentless.” 

“What good parts?” He says, it sounds more like a dismissal than a legitimate question. You have learned not to take these jabs of his to heart, it doesn't seem like they’re really directed at you.

“Well, even though i find myself a little directionless from time to time. The fact that my future is entirely my choosing is a luxury that most talented people cannot afford, even if they would like it.”

Komaeda scoffs and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. There is more dirt on his face now, “What reason would an Ultimate have to squander their talent?”

“Just because you’re good at something doesn't mean you enjoy it.”

“ Enjoying it, is beside the point. If you are gifted with an Ultimate talent, it’s your duty to use it to bring hope to the world.” He’s stopped gardening now, gesticulating wildly with his hands, sending dirt arcing off into every direction, “If you don’t use your talent, you might as well just be-“ he stops himself, as if he just remembered who he is talking to.

“Talentless?” You offer. Smiling softly.

“I-“ he turns his attention back to the soil, “yes, talentless.”

“People are worth more than their talents.” You say, moving onto planting your next seed, “Did you know that Tsumiki is learning to knit? Last time i saw her she was halfway through making this wobbly little purple scarf, it was her first try and she was so excited. Why should skill mean anything if doing something makes you happy?” 

He doesn't reply, he’s looking up at you now and it feels like he is peeling back your layers with his eyes. You find yourself turning pink under his gaze. 

“You should ask her about it next time you see her. I think she wants to show other people.” You laugh a little, tucking some hair behind your ear, “I mean, she took the time to show me, and I’m not even her friend.”

“Aren’t you?” Komaeda asks, tilting his head to the side.

You scoff, “No. I’m just a worker bee, I don't expect any of you to be friends with me if you don't want to. Anyway, if you want a more straightforward answer to your question, Yes I've often wished I had a talent.” you laugh quietly to yourself, averting your eyes as you feel yourself going red, “I’ve always wanted to be the Ultimate Songwriter, i uh…I really like love songs” You turn to Komaeda and smile, “What about you?”

“Huh?”

“What about you? What do you want your talent to be?”

His brow furrows, and he frowns, “I have a talent. It may be paltry compared to the hopeful talents of my classmates, but i have one. Don’t reduce me to your level.” He crosses his arms, eyes glinting with vitriol.

You laugh, “You misunderstood my question. If you could have a different talent, what would you want it to be?”

“What? I- I don’t-“

You give up on planting for now, crossing your legs and tucking your hands in your lap, Komaeda is practically squirming, “Come on, you can do it! Picture you get to meet yourself from another universe, what talent do you want him to have?” 

Komaeda just stares at you, eyes wide. For a moment you think you’ve said something wrong, that you’ve offended him again. His mouth opens and closes, trying to find the words but unable, his hands are shaking, “He’s-“ 

His chest is heaving and what almost sounds like a sob hiccups in his throat as his arms wrap around himself. Trying to curl up inside of a coat that he isn't wearing, “He’s-”

It’s like something inside him snaps back into place, he shoots back up from the ground and turns away from you. For a moment you forget yourself and reach out to him. He leans away from your hand, panic visible on his face, “I have to go. I’m sorry.”

The wind is blowing gently and the sun is setting behind the trees as Komaeda walks off into the distance. You’re still sitting in the dirt, heart racing in your chest with the gravity of the moment that almost was. The stars, the planets, the whole universe stops, and you realise you are in love with him.

It isn't Komaeda who comes to visit next, but Hinata. You feel guilty at the way your heart sinks when you see him walking up the path, he’s wearing one of the shirts he thrifted from the giftshop, a hideous orange hawaiian affair decorated with apples and bananas. The shirt is like a beacon, you know it’s him from a mile away. 

You’d spent all night pondering your next conversation with Komaeda, what you were going to say. You wonder if there has been a shift in your relationship after that moment you stepped over the line in the sand. After he left , you didn't attempt to follow. If he needed space you weren't going to stop him. You just hoped he would trust you enough to come back.

“Good morning, Hinata.” You say, pulling yourself up from the ground and dusting the dirt of your overalls, “everything okay?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Everything’s fine.” He tucks his hands in his pockets and takes a quick glance at your garden, “plants growing alright?”

You nod, “it’s slow going, I’ve been watering every day but there hasn’t been any rain.”

Hinata cringes, rubbing the back of his neck, “sorry I couldn’t help. I’m still...getting the hang of him.”

A few days after he woke up, Hinata had attempted to, as he described it, ‘wrangle Kamukura’ and use some of his talents to force it to rain. There had been a very quick and very aggressive torrential downpour, and then five hours straight of snow. After that it seems there was an executive decision to keep Kamukura locked away for now.

“I spoke to Souda about an irrigation system. He’s been scavenging for parts but he said it will

Probably be a few weeks, maybe a month.” You shrug one shoulder, “I just need to keep everything alive until then, it’ll be okay.”

“Thanks for giving him something to do. He was getting a little restless.” Hinata laughs to himself, “Kazuichi can be a nightmare when he’s restless.”

“I’m glad to be useful, even if it just means keeping Souda busy.” You smile and wipe your brow with the back of your hand. The sun is relentless as always, “Did you need something from me, Hinata? I doubt you just came by to chat.”

“Oh, uh yeah.” He starts, “The foundation sent the karaoke set that Ibuki has been begging for since day one.” Hinata smirks wryly at the thought, “So we’re having a party on the beach tonight.”

“Oh!” You say, “That’s nice, i hope you all have fun!”

Hinata blinks and clears his throat, “I’m inviting you.”

“Inviting me? You don't have to do that!” You say, heading a little further down the plot to water some more plants “I’ve been learning how to cross stitch so I have plenty to do tonight.”

Hinata’s red eye is boring into you. Your heart races. There is a secret that you haven't told even Komaeda about, a secret that maybe even the Future Foundation doesn't know, a secret that Hinata himself seems to have forgotten, so you swallow the thoughts down for now. It would be a waste to bring them up.

“Everyone is going to be there, that includes you.”

You smile, it’s nice of him to try and include you in the group. You know better. The class of 77-B has been nothing short of welcoming, but you are not their friend, “I’ll see what i can do.” he turns to leave, but right as he does you have a sudden thought, “Oh, Hinata?”

“Mm?”

“Can you tell Komaeda i said hello?”

Hinata blinks at you, “Tell...Komaeda…” he shakes his head, “Wait, is this where he’s been disappearing to?”

Your heart sinks like a rock in your chest, “He didn't tell you?”

“He didn't tell anyone.”

You try to swallow the lump in your throat, but all you can think about is Komaeda keeping you like some shameful little secret. You force a smile, “Dont worry about it, then!”

Hinata’s brows draw and he takes a step closer to you, “Wait, I have questions.” he sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, “Has he been treating you okay?”

“Of course he has.” You tilt your head to the side, confused, “He gets a little rude sometimes, but i'm not sure he entirely means it.”

“Nothing...weird?”

Now you’re really confused, “No. Nothing weird. He’s quiet, contemplative. He mostly just asks me questions.”

The tension leaves Hinata’s shoulders and he nods, “Okay. Good. I-” He crosses his arms and averts his eyes, “I’m worried about him. He’s been, I don't know, withdrawn? Since he woke up, I haven't had much time to talk to him about it. That is if he would even listen to me.”

“Hinata. I know-” You sigh, wrapping your arms around yourself nervously, “I know that what happened in the program is none of my business, and that there must be a reason the Foundation didnt tell me everything but-”

Hinata holds up a hand and says, “I’m gonna stop you there. You’re right that it’s none of your business, and i would honestly prefer you didn't know if you didn't have to.” he exhales, “but if Nagito wants to tell you, I’m not going to stop him. I’m just not sure that should be my choice to make.”

“I don’t think i want to ask him.”

He huffs and rests his hands on his hips, “Yeah, i probably wouldn't either. Look, it uh- it was kind of fucked in there, you know? I just want to make sure everyone is doing okay now that we’re out, so if you notice anything strange-”

“I’ll tell you.” your eyes are feeling heavy, and you suddenly realise that you are trying not to cry, “Don't um...don't tell Komaeda i mentioned him. I think he would prefer no one knew that he was coming here.”

“Sure…” Hinata replies, he sounds uneasy, maybe even a little confused, “I’ll see you tonight, yeah?”

You nod. 

Hinata leaves. 

You don't go to the party.

Chapter Text

The classroom is empty, but for you and the inky black hands hiding in the shadows. Reaching out with long grasping fingers that pass right through your flesh like you aren't even there, voices whisper close to you, pressing their cold lips against your cheeks, your throat. Fingers trail down your spine and sink their nails into your vertebrae. 

A set of hazel eyes turn to you. The form they reside in shifts and changes like dye poured into water, indiscernible but for those eyes. Their desk drips with blood like it is alive. You gasp for air, looking down at where your own hands are clasped around your throat, squeezing tighter and tighter as rivulets of blood spill out over your fingers, dying them a permanent red. You can't breathe. You can’t-

It’s with a jolt that you finally wake up from the familiar nightmare. A cold sweat slowly drips down the nape of your neck, catching the cool night breeze sneaking in through the open window. Your voice catches in your throat and you cup a hand over your mouth, sobbing loudly into your palm. This dream has been a constant companion since the tragedy, you’re lucky to get four hours of sleep most nights.

You squeeze your eyes shut and rub them with the heels of your palms trying to force the images lingering in the corners of your vision to dissipate. Your limbs are shaking, and you can feel your heart racing. There’s no way that you’ll be able to get back to sleep if you don’t manage to calm down. So you take a deep breath in through your nose and swing your shaky legs over the side of the bed. Your bare knees are covered with scrapes and bruises from accidents around the farm, or from kneeling on the hard ground for too long. Your calves are covered in bites from strange insects that live on the island, and a particularly nasty cut that you didn't want to bother Tsumiki about. 

It hurts when you slap your hands against your cheeks, but it does manage to wake you up a little more, you can feel your legs swaying underneath you when you finally stand up. Knees wobbling, as your body prepares itself to run from something that isn't actually there. You push your hair back from your face and sigh as you head out the front door of your small cottage to stand on the porch. It’s just on the outskirts of the farm, overlooking some of the flowerbeds that you planted when you had some time to spare. Koizumi likes to come around and take photos of the honeybees sometimes, so it’s nice to know the flowers have been useful.

The cool ocean air blows through your hair and dances around your bare legs. You take a deep breath in through your nose and look up at the sky. The stars are beautiful on the island, much more beautiful than they even had been in the city. It isn't until you feel the wetness of tears rolling down your cheeks that you realise you’ve been crying.

“I didn't expect to see you this late.” A voice says, startling you, “I hope I didn't wake you.”

Komaeda is standing just beyond the flowerbeds, soft white hair blowing in the breeze. It looks even messier than usual like he has been tossing and turning for hours. The moonlight catches in his curls like dewdrops on a spider’s web. 

“Oh, hello!” You say, hurriedly wiping away your tears with the back of your hand and replacing them with a smile, “I didn't expect to see you either. Are you doing okay?”

“Fine, thank you.” Komaeda says, his ghostly green eyes digging into the marrow of your bones, “How are you?”

You know that he caught you crying and yet, you still lie, “I’m doing great, thank you for asking!” 

“Ah, then I guess you were just having trouble sleeping?”

It feels like he is interrogating you. Needling you. Nails are digging sharp into your palms as you watch him cross the flowerbeds to meet you on the porch. When he’s close enough, you notice the heavy bags under his eyes, and the slowed blinking of his tired eyes. You melt, all tension leaving your shoulders as you reach out towards his face. Quickly thinking better of it and letting your hand drop back to your side. You swallow. 

“You look so tired.” You whisper, “Did something happen, Komaeda-san?”

He laughs, a wheezy little noise that makes his shoulders quiver, “You know what happened. I can tell you aren't sleeping either.”

“I am sleeping.” You say

“Ah, but not very well. Am I right?”

“No. Not very well.” you sigh, “but this isn't about me, I'm worried about you.”

“I haven't been sleeping at all.” His mouth curls into a sad imitation of a smile, lips only tugging up on one side like anything more than that would be painful, “Nightmares. Best to stay awake.”

You find yourself nodding. The last thing you want to do is burden Komaeda with your problems when he already has plenty of his own. So instead you manage to give him a small smile and gesture back into your cottage, “Do you want something to drink? I have tea.”

“Tea sounds good, thank you.”

He follows behind you as you head back in through the front door, ducking under the dried flowers you have hanging from the ceiling. The cottage is very small, and really not designed for entertaining, you surmised that it once must have housed the Jabberwock island groundskeeper, back when it was a tourist destination, “Take a seat and I’ll boil the kettle, it shouldn't be too long.”

Komaeda sits gingerly in one of the wooden chairs sitting by your small kitchen table, you can hear him gently rapping his fingers against the tabletop, “I’m sorry for intruding.” Komaeda says, laughing airily to himself as the tapping of his fingers grows faster, “I walk by here at night because I know I won't run into anyone.”

“Anyone except me.” You reply, grabbing two chipped teacups from a cabinet, “Sugar?”

“Ah, no. Thank you.” Komaeda clears his throat and leans forward on his elbows, “Allow me to clarify my previous statement though, please. I---ah, I meant that I wouldn't run into anyone I didn't want to see me.”

There’s a pleasant tingling in your fingertips when he says that, but you try to ignore it.

“Your being talentless, it…” he takes a long breath in through his nose, “It means I am able to discuss certain things with you that I would not feel…” His brow furrows like he is trying to think of the right word, and he eventually settles on, “ comfortable talking to the other ultimates about.”

You aren’t sure how to respond. Your heart is beating hard but slowly in your chest, an anticipation is building inside of you. The kettle finishes boiling, and suddenly the room feels deathly quiet, “Do you...want milk?”

“Yes, please.” Komaeda breathes

As you walk over to your very sparse fridge, you watch Komaeda from the corner of your eye, “I’m glad that you feel comfortable around me, but I don't understand why you can’t talk to your fellow ultimates about these things.” you grab the bottle of milk from the fridge and move it to the counter where you start preparing the tea, “I’m sure they would be glad to help, I mean, I know that Hinata-san is worried about you.”

He seems to grow smaller in his chair, sinking into himself, “I am…not ready.”

You hum thoughtfully, placing the chipped teacup on the table in front of him before taking your own seat. The tea is still a little too hot and you burn your tongue, “It’s going to take time, it took time for the others as well.”

“It isn’t just what happened in the Neo World Program.” He replies, a nervous twitchy smile appears on his lips, “Or even what happened in Towa City, there is something…aha…something sickly inside of me, something dark and--and--”

His breath is coming faster now, but it doesn't frighten you. One of your hands reaches out and rests on top of his. It's like he comes to his senses, blinking quickly and tugging his hand away.

“I--I think I am…” his arms slowly curl around himself, and his eyes turn down to the ground, “I am using you...to work through some, ah... personal problems. 

“Oh.” You reply, your heart turning to warm butter in your chest, “Well I--uh. I don’t mind being used…If it helps”

Komaeda laughs under his breath, “You… don’t mind?” he laughs some more, it makes his bony shoulders shake, “What is wrong with you?”

You don’t know how to answer that, “I’m not sure.”

His hands are still shaking when he picks up his teacup, “I’ve been nothing but dismissive of you, what do you gain from this?” he whispers before raising the cup to his lips. 

In the dim light of your kitchen, you can see the way his bony knuckles protrude from his skin, the sickly blue veins hiding just below the surface. His thin hand quivers as he takes a sip, but he moves with a practiced grace and elegance despite his weakness. 

“I like seeing you happy.” 

Komaeda’s eyes widen, peering at you from over the rim of his teacup, “You…like seeing me happy.” He repeats slowly like he is committing the words to memory. 

Your heart races and you are terrified that you might have overstepped one of his delicate boundaries, “If I can help you find some joy in this world, then-” you swallow, hands clenching and unclenching under the table, “Well, that would mean I've done something wonderful.”

His teacup clinks when Komaeda places it back down, “What if I can’t? What if there’s no joy left for me?”

You give him a wobbly smile, and ignore the beginnings of tears prickling in your eyes, “You won’t know if you don’t try!”

***

You are surprised when you see Komaeda walking towards the farm only a day after your last conversation. Usually, his visits are at least a week apart, but you are not at all disappointed to see him earlier. A new shipment from the foundation must have finally arrived because he is now wearing a shirt that actually fits him. It dips tantalizingly low at the collar, low enough that you catch the slice of both his collarbones. 

“Good morning, Komaeda-san!” You call out to him, waving from where you are crouched by a garden bed.

He raises his hand in greeting, and comes to stand beside you, “what are you doing today?” He asks

You hum to yourself, watering some barely sprouting red cabbages, “Watering and then hanging some netting up around the fruits that are coming in.” You shoot Komaeda a sunny smile, “The blueberries are almost ready! Which is very exciting, but does mean we need to keep them safe from birds and fruit flies.”

Komaeda nods, “Necessitating the netting.”

“Bingo!” You stand up and wipe your dirty palms on your knees, “For now, do you want to grab the spare watering can? As always, I’d appreciate the help.”

He does as asked, he knows exactly where you keep the spare and is quick to help you start watering the vegetables. There’s something tense and shaky between the two of you, the conversation in your cottage was more personal than any other you’ve had, and to see him again so quickly leaves you feeling especially fragile. 

His hair is tied up today, and you find yourself tantalized by the expanse of his bare neck for reasons you’d rather not acknowledge just yet. Solidifying these feelings might be the end for you, and knowing your track record, might drag him down with you. Komaeda needs someone to look after him, and if he isn't ready to let his friends do that for him, you’ll suffice for now. Not that you mind, you’re honored to have been given the chance. 

“How much longer did you say you would be staying with us?” Komaeda asks suddenly, not looking up from the garden bed. 

You’re surprised by the question, unsure why he would care to ask, “Probably just a month from now, maybe longer if Souda-san hasn’t gotten irrigation sorted by then.” You turn to look at him, and notice that he is still avoiding your eyes. You swallow, “Why?”

His eyes dart to meet yours, and then back down just as quickly, “Everyone is going to miss you.”

You freeze, gripping tightly to the handle of your watering can. After a few deep breaths, you force a smile, “There’s no reason for them to miss me! Not when they’ll have you to look after the garden instead.”

Komaeda stops watering, he stands up straight and his eyes are firm when he looks down at you, “You know that isn’t what I meant.”

You laugh, trying to ignore the aching, “What else could you possibly mean? Come on, I have to get the netting set up and it’s going to be tough without an extra set of hands.”

The awkward feeling gets worse. You head over to a nearby shed and pull out several feet of rolled up netting, Komaeda follows quietly behind you as you make your way over to the plot of fruits you have growing. The berry bushes and fruit trees had some time to grow on the mainland, so most of them are almost ready for their first harvest after just two months. You kneel down in front of the blueberries and smile as the small green growths that (given proper care) will be proper edible food very soon. 

“The hard work has paid off, huh?” You say to Komaeda, “Thanks for all your help these past few weeks, it’s been nice to have company.”

Komaeda doesn't say anything in reply, he just gives you a look that you have trouble interpreting. His brows pull tight, and the curve of his mouth almost reads sad . 

“It’s okay if you aren’t in the mood to help, today.” You suggest tentatively, “Just let me know, okay?”

Komaeda laughs breathily, “ I’m fine. I can help.”

“Alrighty, then.” You pull yourself up from the ground and pass Komaeda one end of the netting and some garden pegs, “Just pull that to the other side of the plot, over the top of the plants. The pegs just go into the dirt, it’s pretty loose so a firm push should be enough to get them in.”

Nodding quickly, Komaeda lifts the netting up and over the blueberries, settling into a crouch on the other side as he starts securing it. You do the same on your side, watching how his hair dances in the light breeze. 

“I asked Mikan about her knitting.” Komaeda says, peering across at you, “Like you said I should.”

You smile, warmth blooming in your chest, “Yes? How did that go?”

“You were right. She isn’t very good at it.” He replies, but is smiling as he does, “It’s getting better as she goes though, she’s managing a pretty straight line now. It ah-” he shrugs a shoulder, “It seems to make her happy.”

“Maybe you should pick up a hobby. I know there isn’t much to do around the island, but I’m sure you could find something.”

Komaeda smiles at you from across the blueberries, “I’ve already taken up gardening, that’s enough for now.”

Your cheeks warm, “I’m glad.”

The both of you settle into a comfortable silence for some time, and once you finish covering a collection of blueberry bushes you quickly move onto the next. Komaeda is a fast learner and takes half the netting from you as before without you needing to ask him to. You can’t help but think about that conversation the two of you had in the middle of the night.

“Can I ask you a question?” Komaeda begins, tilting his head to the side. 

You smile, “I don’t see why not.”

“Why didn’t you just go to a normal school? The reserve course was incredibly costly and if I hadn't been scouted I would have been-” He sighs, “Never mind.”

“No it’s okay. I won’t be upset, say what you want to.”

Komaeda stares at you a moment, before a sickly little smile crawls up the side of his cheek, “I, aha, would have been too ashamed to even step foot on the grounds, why weren’t you?”

“It wasn't my choice to make, Komaeda-san.” Your brow creases, and you sit cross legged on the ground when you finish securing the netting, “Things have changed a lot since then, but at the time I had parents who just wanted what they thought was best for me, no matter the cost. I think you’ll find most of the reserve course students were in the same boat, we were just kids, you know?”

He goes silent for some time, staring down at his hands and picking at the cuticles on his remaining flesh fingers. You know him well enough now that you just let him think it over, sitting quietly and waiting until he works out what he wants to say. The ocean breeze is calm today, but it still tosses around the leaves on the ground and tangles in Komaeda’s already unruly hair. 

“Was it…a good education?” He asks quietly, “By regular standards, I mean.”

“No.” You answer truthfully, “All the tuition fees from the reserve course went straight to the Ultimate division, we were underfunded and most of our teachers didn’t pay much attention to us.” You look down at your lap, worrying your lower lip, “They did experiments on us too sometimes, small ones, not invasive. Just to see how we would react in certain circumstances. I mean, you know what they did to Hinata-san, I think they were gathering data for that .”

Komaeda doesn't say anything in response, though at first it seems like he wants to. He doesn't look up at you, he pretends to busy himself with some of the pegs, but you know he finished pegging everything down a long time ago. 

After a while, you take an uneasy breath and say, “I don’t think Hope’s Peak had our best interests at heart.”

He scoffs under his breath, “Why would they? I couldn't expect them to waste their time on the talentless when there were more important educations to foster.”

“No, Komaeda-san.” You say, gently, “You’ve misunderstood me.”

He peers up at you, something pained hides behind his eyes. 

“I don't think they had anyone’s best interests at heart. Not even yours.”

***

It’s Koizumi who comes by next, as always she’s clutching tightly to a well worn polaroid camera. You haven’t heard much about it, but apparently the digital camera she favored had an almost full memory card when she awoke from the simulation and she was too scared to open it up and wipe it. So for now she’s making her way through the collection of dusty polaroid film cartridges in the Jabberwock Island gift shop. 

You’re in the middle of weeding around some of the carrots when she comes up the path. She’s wearing a thin green sundress over a white t-shirt, the breeze kicks up her skirt and it dances around her ankles. Like you, she’s also sporting a wide brimmed hat to protect her face from the sun, she tilts the brim back and shoots you a warm smile. 

“Hi Koizumi-san!” You say brightly, it’s been a bit since you’ve seen her, “What can I help you with?”

She laughs and shakes her head, “I don’t need help with anything, I’m just dropping by to check in on you.” She takes a quick look around the farm, “Everything seems to be growing nicely.”

You nod, “We almost have some fruit, shouldn’t be too much longer now.”

“That’s good! You’ve done well.” Koizumi says, but her smile wavers when she adds, “Hey, I was just wondering…Why didn’t you come to the party last week?”

“Oh.” You reply, turning your attention back to the garden bed, “I was just tired, sorry.”

Koizumi hums, fingering the shoulder strap of her camera, “We were all pretty upset that you couldn't make it. Some more than others.” she looks quite stern when you peer up at her, mouth pulled in a tight line, “You can come to the hotel, you know? You don’t have to stay up here by yourself.”

You shake your head, “Thanks for offering, but I have a lot of work to do. It’s easier for everyone if I stay here.”

“Well, if you insist.” Koizumi says with a shrug, and you are glad that she’s dropped the subject, “We’re not going anywhere, if you change your mind.”

There are a few stray weeds left amongst the carrots and you go back to pulling them out, too nervous to look Koizumi in the eye anymore, “I probably won't, but that’s very kind of you.” The wind is stronger today, and it knocks your hat straight off your head. You don’t mean to, but having to struggle to catch it before it blows away has a giggle bubbling up and out of your chest. Putting the hat back on your head, you turn to Koizumi to ask if she is alright, and are stunned by the flash of a camera. 

You blink for a few seconds, and Koizumi chuckles good-naturedly, “Sorry, sorry. That was just the first real smile I’ve seen from you, my instincts kicked in.”

Another laugh escapes you, though this one is nervous and insincere, “I smile all the time, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She shrugs, “When you take as many photos as I do, you get pretty good at picking out a genuine smile.” she gives you a look that borders on sad, “You are very good at faking it, though, I’ll give you that.”

***

The nightmares keep you awake once again. Desperate for fresh air and the quiet crashing of waves on the sand, you stumble to the back of your farm where the grass disappears and the beach begins. It isn’t as large as the beach by the hotel, only two meters or so of sand and gentle lapping saltwater, but it’s just you here, so two meters is all you need.  

You kick off your sandals before sitting down in the sand, tucking your knees up to your chest and burying your face in them. You should tell Hinata someday, maybe right before you leave. It won’t help any, it won’t undo what’s already happened but keeping this secret buried deep and festering in your chest is killing you. Everyone is so nice to you, everyone is too nice to you. There is nothing of value that you can offer, nothing you can do, all you ever do is run and run and run and-

Someone is calling out your name, from the sound of it, they’re standing out the front of your cottage. You sniffle, and try your best to sound like you haven’t been crying when you call out, “Down here!”

It takes a few minutes, but you do eventually hear the sound of shoes crunching on the sand. Something cold taps against your shoulder, and you turn around to see Komaeda holding a can of Blue Ram out to you. He has at least five more in a plastic bag hanging from his other hand, “Do you want one?” He asks, “They help.”

Trying to ignore how instantly your heart warms when you see him, you reach out to take the can from him, apologizing under your breath when you fingers brush against his, “Thanks, Komaeda-san,” You say quietly, gesturing to the space beside you, “Take a seat if you want.”

He does, wordlessly. His long legs cross beneath him, and you notice that he’s wearing a pair of loose cotton pants instead of his usual dark jeans. Reaching into the plastic bag, he pulls out a can of Blue Ram for himself and cracks it open, heaving a long sigh before he turns to you, “Are you sleeping?”

“I am.” You reply quietly, opening your own can with shaky hands. 

Komaeda smiles, and repeats his assertion from nights before, “But not very well, am I right?”

“No.” You reply knowingly, “Not very well.”

The silence hangs in the air for a moment, you sip gently at your Blue Ram, you haven’t had one before and it’s a bit too sickly sweet for your taste. Komaeda looks especially pretty in the ocean breeze with his low cut shirt and unruly hair, you sigh and close your eyes to keep from staring at him, “How are you, Komaeda-san?”

He shrugs a shoulder, “I’ve been thinking about what you said, about Hope’s Peak Academy.”

“Oh.” you reply, “I hope I didn't upset you.”

“ You didn’t upset me.” 

That’s good to hear. You know that Komaeda’s boundaries are firm, even if he isn’t willing to disclose where they lay. You are glad you haven’t crossed any. 

He reclines backward a little, resting back on his elbows and peering up at the stars, “My luck it-” he frowns, like he isn't sure how to continue, “Well it isn't consistent, aha. I try to control it, the outcome of it, I mean, when it backfires.”

You have enough sense not to interrupt, but you do spin slightly to better face him as he speaks. He looks beautiful in the moonlight. 

“Even then I never really have full control, no matter what I do.” He gulps a desperate breath, his voice growing shaky, “They never… helped me.”

The salty air tosses and tangles in your hair, and your voice is high and weak in your throat when you whisper, “Who didn’t?”

He laughs breathlessly, “Hope’s Peak. I didn’t take much notice at the time, the fact they were even interested in a talent as worthless as mine was so exhilarating that I couldn’t think about anything else but-” he makes a choked sound and sits back up to he can wipe his eyes with the back of his hand, “They knew what my luck did to me, but never taught me how to control it. They had experts and researchers but they were all too busy watching us and studying us to actually help .”

You lean forward, hand shaking when you reach a hand out and rest it on his knee. For all you know about Komaeda, about his opinions of himself and his talent and his emotional state, it feels like you’re missing all the surface level information, the things he divulges on a first meeting. You swallow, “You don’t have to tell me, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to but-” his eyes meet yours and you are stunned briefly into silence, steadying yourself, you ask, “What does your luck do to you?”

Komaeda starts laughing, but it sounds almost painful and his shoulders tremble with the intensity of it. You fall backwards when he suddenly stands up and takes a few determined steps towards the water, he bends down and grabs a rock from the shoreline, giving you a pointed look before arcing his arm back and skipping the rock across the water once, twice, thirteen times and even more beyond that. He turns back to face you, arms crossed against his chest like he is waiting for something. Then, after what feels like a few agonizing minutes, the ocean rises, and a wave much larger than any you had seen at the small section of beach crashes directly into the back of him, soaking completely through his clothes. 

It was only a taste of it, but you understand completely. 

He seems surprised when you stand up, but you’re so desperately emotional that you aren’t thinking straight. It only takes a few monumental steps to reach him, and then you are standing on your toes and wrapping your arms tight around his shoulders and burying your face in his chest. 

Komaeda makes a choked sound above you, and one of his hands eventually settles shakily on your waist, “I’m all wet.” He says shakily, “I’ll ruin your clothes.”

You hold him tighter, “I don't care.”