Chapter Text
"I would love to know a world without fear."
The night was quiet as the moonlight became the only thing that lit up the space you were in. No sound could be heard, save for the subtle heartbeat that penetrated your hearing.
It was so chilly today, notifying you that it was almost time for winter. You never really loved the weather to say the least, because most of the time the room temperature could drop so much even when you had a heater turned on in every crook of your house.
You hated how your fingertips could feel so numb that you wondered if they were still there. You hated how you needed to cover your body, layer after layer just to keep you warm. You hated how you had to drink the hot chocolate that you made within two minutes or else it would go cold already.
But maybe this year, you had something that you loved from it.
A small hum coming from his lips, with how your head was laying on his chest, you could feel how the sound reverberated through it. His arms draped loosely around your body, securing you there in his embrace as his finger caressed your skin.
This was the warmth that you had longed for, a physical contact which you always seek. The one that could make you feel like everything would be alright, one that made you feel — safe.
"What do you mean by that, hm?" He asked nonchalantly, but you knew him enough to hear the serious tone from his composed gruff. His usually smooth and silvery voice now sounded a lot breathy, perhaps caused by how the clock was ticking right at one am.
You didn't look up at him as your eyes fixated on the moon outside the window. Though your mind was now wandering around, mulling if you wanted to have a deep talk tonight. Yes, you had talked a lot about humanity with him before, something that always made his orbs shone a little brighter.
But what you were going to talk about tonight was something more than just a dream or how the both of you saw the world you were living in. There was something more that you needed to know from him. Because somehow you had a gut feeling that something big would happen and alter your relationship with him.
Well, would alter whatever bond it was that you shared with this man called Jean Kirstein.
You shrugged softly before wrapping your arms a little tighter around his torso, snuggling your head at the crook of his neck before you speak up.
"You know, a world without war, a world without discrimination, without a judge from the outside," You trailed off, licking your lips as you continued, still not facing the man you spent the last few weeks with. "Without having to lie and hide who you really are."
There, that was the response that answered your curiosity. It was just a millisecond but you could feel how his body jolted a little. There was nothing in between you and him, you could hear his breath hitched, you could feel how the arms around you twitched.
And without him needing to say anything else, you knew it was there.
"How," He gulped down, and once again, you could feel it. It seemed like he was pondering if it was the right thing to ask, if your words were just a random opinion instead of a statement. But he knew you too, and he knew how smart you were. "How long have you known?"
You didn't move away, and perhaps that fact was enough to make him calm down a little. Your head was still positioned on top of his chest as if you hadn't just cornered him with your words.
"The second night." You even said it so easily. He whispered a low what? under his breath, but you could hear it with how you were literally skin to skin with him. "Don't worry, you are smart to cover all your tracks." Your fingertips trailing on his chest, tracing the marks that now looked like a permanent part of him. "But you could never hide this."
He chuckled a little at this, realising the slip in his cover. You didn't know what was on his mind, perhaps he blamed himself for exposing himself to you, or he wished he didn't fall for your charm. Neither way made you feel any better though.
"So my mistake is sleeping with you.” The way he said it was ambiguous. You knew that he just mumbled that to himself, yet you couldn’t understand if it was a question or realisation. And somehow with that choice of words, you could feel a pang in your heart as you were reminded by the truth.
You and him, it was all just a mistake.
A mistake that both parties knew. A mistake that you both understood yet turned a blind eye over it. There was nothing that could justify the rendezvous that you had with him. He was an Eldian, a man that could turn into a monster if given the titan spinal fluid, even worse , a Paradis citizen.
Then there was you, a pure marleyan, one of the people who wanted nothing but extinction to the island of Paradis. But you had another worst side, and that was the fact that you were the youngest commander of the airborne unit, one that belonged to the Marleyan Military air force.
You were someone who had full control over dozens of airships and hundreds of troops. You were someone who sent people to the front line, bringing them to their death for your greedy country to get more and more, always unsatisfied and wanting another land to conquer.
You were even worse than him who just wanted the freedom that your country took away by force.
But you couldn’t help yourself as he slid into the barstool beside you that day. With his gentle smile, trimmed facial hair, and those magnetic brown orbs that glinted brighter under the dimmed light. You remembered how you let out a small gasp by just taking a proper look at him.
Lots of men and women threw themselves at you but never once you batted your eyes on them. But goddamn Jean Kirstein and his alluring complexion, making you stumble over your own words when he asked you a simple question — your name.
It needed you a minute to finally relax under his piercing gaze, and it only needed an hour for you until you let him take you away from the prying eyes of Marley. You gave in into his touch, calloused hands that rivalled yours. His breath reeked of alcohol and yet you let those plump lips steal the air out of your lungs.
You thought it would only happen once in your lifetime. That rendezvous was shared between two drunk human beings who got attracted to each other. Yet the two of you somehow stood in front of the same motel the next day.
And the day after.
And the day after that until you moved it to your apartment.
And for you, what you had with him was anything but a mistake.
You swallowed a huge lump, gaze hardening as you stared into nothing. He hadn’t said a single word ever since then, and you wondered if he was as disconcerted as you inside. But despite the truth that had been spoken, the two of you still huddled under the warmth of your cashmere blanket.
“I didn’t see it as a mistake, Jean.” You finally confessed, and you never been this scared in your life. You had been through a lot, watching Marleyan titans devour the enemy, scattered brains on the battlefield, and yet you were never once afraid you would be like them someday.
But this, this confession, this fucked up truth about your feelings and what he would do to it was a lot more terrifying than dying in war.
“I see.” You still held your breath even though you already got your answer. It was still grey, you didn’t know what he was thinking right now, not yet. “I, too, don’t have any regret over us.” And that, that answer was enough to paint it white.
You subconsciously snuggle closer, tightening your embrace as you didn’t want to let him go. There was a dream, deep inside your heart that someday everything would end with the whole world united to walk forward together. Without the need for destruction, without the need to shed another blood on their lands.
And just once, just when you were with him was the time you could feel that dream. You could succumb yourself into another world when you laid in his arms, thinking that the two of you were just a normal citizen who would do mundane work when the sun was up, and cuddled up together for every night that came.
But you knew, since the time you traced the marks on his skin when you were sober, when you recalled what your warrior friend told you about his time in Paradis and the gear that made him have permanent marks all over his body, you knew that what you had with him was just a small nirvana that your own mind created.
It wouldn’t last, you knew damn well it could never last. And even though he didn’t say anything, as someone who supposed to be the only one who knew about the truth, he decided to keep on going and entangled himself with you.
For weeks, for weeks he had been here in Marley, doing whatever he needed to do behind your back. You both acted as if you did not belong to the different sides at war, talking and enjoying each other's company and sharing a glass of wine before he went back to his place when the sun was still hiding behind the horizon.
“I have a question.” He cleared his throat, deep in thought as his eyebrows scrunched from either confusion or disbelief. “Why did you tell me about Marley’s plan? Why did you share the war plan with me? Me, your enemy.”
You pondered, why indeed? At some nights he would ask you some questions. But there was nothing too explicit on it as you recall. He would just ask you about your day, about how tiresome your work was, or ask about your condition when you looked so stressed some of the days.
It was just a simple question, yet you always answered some of them with a long answer as you slipped in some information about war here and there. You didn’t do it subconsciously, of course, you were always being sus and never shared work-related topics with anyone outside of the military.
“Because I want you to live.” But he was an exception and perhaps he knew that already. “Even if it’s not significant, I want you to have more chances to be alive.”
You cursed the universe for giving you a chance to love like this. To care for a man that could be killed by your country, or even worse, die by your hand. Was there anyone like you too? A Marleyan who fell in love with Eldian, not just Eldian in Marley even, but the devils themselves.
Being a part of the Marleyan Military means that you knew the truth. You knew how many mindless titans that your country sent to Paradis, and the fact that a few years ago the colossal and armoured titan was successful to breach the wall, that would mean a lot of the citizens of the island lost their lives and home.
And you didn’t dare to ask him about how many family and friends that he had lost.
“You do know that you could be executed for sharing a war plan, right?” He asked with worry lingering in his voice, yet he sounded a little exasperated, couldn’t believe that you would jeopardize either your occupation or your life for him. “You are so reckless, I swear to God.” But at the same time, he was thankful too, because it really showed him how much you care.
“Hmhm, I don’t care.” You just shrugged it off, deep in thought as you thought that the execution was worth it. “I should have died in one of the wars that I went to, yet here I am. Embracing the fact that I might be in love with an Eldian devil.”
He squeezed your body tighter for a while there, just after you said those words. Life was short, you understood that well for becoming a commander at such a young age and had been through a lot of hell. But unlike a lot of people who decided to keep their heart at bay or threw it away, you chose to keep it.
Just because you were going to die soon, didn’t mean that you shouldn’t enjoy what life had given you.
You cared and loved your friends because you knew someday you wouldn’t see them again. You had a routine where you just sat on the porch and greeted your neighbours because tomorrow you might not be coming back. You made sure to send your family a letter here and there because who knows it would be the last.
And now, you felt a strong emotion for this man that you never had before with anyone else. It was not platonic, you actually wanted to attach yourself to him without force. It was what they called romantic love, and at this point, you didn’t care anymore that having this feeling could lead you to death.
“Are you going to attend Tybur's speech tomorrow?” This question piqued your interest. You wanted to hope that perhaps he would like you to enjoy the festival with him before that. But something tugged at your heart, telling you to be careful. And this was the first time you ever felt the need to be cautious around him.
“Sadly, no.” Yet you remain as calm as possible. “I want to attend it, but duty’s calling in another post.” Now you pondered about it, every other squadron would be there, including the general himself. Yet somehow not you. “I had to check on the newly arrived airships, sucks how it’s on the same day as the speech.”
You were rambling on and on about it, ignoring the sigh of relief that slipped from Jean’s lips when he knew you were not going to be there. Deep inside your heart, you wanted to ask why did he throw the question at you, having a feeling there would be something going on.
But what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you, so you decided to keep your mouth shut.
Jean could only look at you with a frown plastered on his face. He knew that something was going to happen tomorrow. If what Eren wrote in all his letters were right, then he didn't want you to be there. He couldn't bear to see your corpse.
No, it was not that. Watching you die was something that would happen either tomorrow or some days later. But what he couldn't bear to see was your face when you knew he was one of the people behind the attack tomorrow, he was one of those people who fought with Eren Yeager, the enemy of your nation.
He could picture your face with disappointment lingering on your face. Because he knew with the plan that they had tomorrow, he wouldn't just kill the military but also the innocent citizens who had been oppressed all their lives in Liberio.
Right now he wanted to tell you that, he wanted to open up to you about the plan. But you were a commander, and if you shared the information to any of the higher-ups, that meant the attack tomorrow had a high possibility to fail.
Yes, he couldn't jeopardise that. As much as he wanted to keep you safe by telling you the reason why you shouldn't be there, he decided to keep his mouth shut. After all, what he didn't say wouldn't hurt you, right?
"Hey, love?" Jean called out, using the nickname that no matter how many times he had called you by it, always send a shiver down your spine. You let out a small hum to tell that you were listening, fingers trailing softly on his arms. "I need to go now."
"What?" You immediately looked at him, propping your body with an elbow as you searched for his smirk that was usually there when he teased you. But you found none. "Why? I mean, you always stay until around four, what change?"
He sat up in bed, both eyes casting down his lap as he tried to avert your gaze. Your lips jutted a little, trying to understand why. But then again, maybe his lips were sealed. Perhaps he had to attend a late-night meeting, or his leader started to get suspicious over the two of you.
"My comrades needed me." But that subtle answer was the only thing that he gave before he planted a kiss on your forehead. "Just sleep, I still have the key that you gave me. I will give it back to you next time." You frowned at that as he didn't give you any other explanation.
You sat there in your bed, eyes never leaving the tall figure as he snatched his clothes from the ground, wearing them one by one as he turned his back on you.
Never once you felt like this, scared, over the unknown of tomorrow. You had tried to embrace the fact that you would never know what happened next. But with him, as you put a piece of your heart inside his soul, you started to get worried more often. And somewhere along the way, a little seed of fear started to plant deep inside your heart.
"Jean," You called out as he dusted his clothes, not wanting to see any wrinkles on them. "Why do I feel like I am not going to see you again?"
He stopped. His fingers that were currently buttoning up his suit halted as he listened to your question. You waited for him to say something and moved your body so you sat at the edge of the bed instead, wondering if he knew that something big would happen or not.
"Hey, it's not, okay?" Jean cleared his throat and turned to you. A gentle look was there as he walked toward you and kneeled to level his gaze with yours. "We will meet again, we have to meet again." You didn't know if it was him trying to reassure you, or he was reassuring himself. "I promise." But either of them, you would take it.
So you closed your eyes, erasing all of those fears and anxiety that crept in your mind. His lips captured yours, not in a passionate and rough movement like it used to, but instead, it was soft and felt so delicate.
And you wished you could have stayed like this forever, in his arms as you knew that with him you felt safe. That everything just became complete ever since Jean Kirstein came into your life as if he was some kind of guardian angel despite the nickname that was given to his race.
Yes, you could have stayed like this forever indeed. Safe, and perhaps loved.
But then you saw it as you were called back to Liberio sooner than you expected to. You saw it, all the collapsed buildings and how the rubbles trampled the innocent citizen. Everything was red, the scent of rust metal suffocated you as it was the only thing that you could smell.
No one told you about what happened here. The general was dead, all the higher-ups from Marley Military were wiped clean. There were so many countries joining this grand speech, and as you strolled around to see if there were any survivors, your mind started to speculate about who would have done something like this.
Then you heard a cough, someone, someone was alive. You point your flashlight to the source, finding an Eldian Unit leaning his body to the big rubble. He was gravely wounded with a huge gash trailing from his shoulder and down to his abdomen, and somehow you wished it killed him, so he didn’t have to suffer.
Having been through so much war, you already get used to seeing such cruelty. Wounded by a bullet and died in the spot, getting bombed as the body scattered around the ground, you had seen so much that nothing impacted you anymore.
But this wound — you snapped back to real life, not letting any horrendous thought filling your mind. You immediately checked for his pulse, it was weak but it was still there.
“You need to keep your eyes open, soldier.” As a figure with authority, you couldn’t waver. “I am going to get you to the paramedic. Just stay still as I lift you up, and keep your eyes open.” You didn’t wait for him to answer you as you gently slipped your arms to pick him up.
“They were flying, commander.” He whispered, one hand gripping tight on your arm as if to stop you. “They looked so free up there, some with blades, and some with guns in their hands.” But you ignored it and stood up, securing his body in your arms as you started to run.
“Keep your eyes open and save your energy. Just live for the next few seconds.” You commanded, and he was just staring at the sky, somehow accepting his death already. “We are close, and you can be—”
“Commander,” He whispered out. “Have I become a good warrior? Have I redeemed my filthy blood to Marley? If I go now can I be free?” The questions rang in your ear, and you ran even faster since you knew he could be saved.
But what if he didn’t want to be saved from the start?
“Yes.” You answered without looking down at him. “You have become a good soldier in the army, you proved yourself that you have been so strong.” There was a little smile on his face as you said that, and you decided to slow down your pace. “And you will be free, you can do anything you want if you decide to go.” Because deep down, you knew he wanted it.
Your legs went limp as you realised he was gone. With a smile on his face and eyes opened as it looked up. Either to you or toward the sky, you didn’t know that. But you fell forward after that, with his body still secured in your arms. You didn’t cry, you lost so much and you thought tears were already dried.
You scrutinized him one more time, a solemn smile tugged at your lips as you slowly closed his eyes, wanting him to rest in peace. Your finger slowly traced the gash on his body, making your lips shaped into a thin line as your thought from last night was answered.
No matter how calm his eyes were before you closed it, it bore into your soul as it mocks you with a reminder.
“Are you going to attend Tybur's speech tomorrow?”
That the one who made you feel safe last night — was the same who would be responsible for the nightmare which happened today.