Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sue Huntington Gilbert had always been a practical person. Or rather, she had had to be.

She liked to believe she didn’t start off that way. She could almost see her, the child she had been, running around somewhere, happy and carefree. She must have been that at some point… right?

Sue sighed. She knew she was just stalling, distracting herself from what was about to happen. As she looked up, her own reflection brought her back to reality faster than a knife to the heart.

The person staring back at her was not happy or carefree as the child she imagined she must have been at one point. She was pale, slightly uncomfortable in a gown she wasn’t used to wearing. She seemed calm but she caught herself trembling every time her breath left her lungs.

She gripped the dresser she was standing in front of, hoping to get a grip on her breathing as well but she realised too late that she seemed to have lost control of that altogether.

In her troubled state she almost missed the sound coming from the door behind her. A faint knock.

Just as she was convinced she was about to faint right there and then, a voice brought her back to reality.

“Sue?”

Sue’s eyes immediately went to the door’s reflection in the mirror.

“Emily…”

She almost whispered and just the knowledge of her friend’s proximity seemed to have a calming effect on her, grounding her. She cleared her throat.

“Come in.”

The door opened and closed behind her. Sue still didn’t turn around, her grip loosening on the dresser, eyes on Emily through the mirror. She could see the way the poet lit up as she took her in.

“Oh Sue… You look incredible.”

Sue tried to bite back the smile that so naturally overtook her face at the compliment. She finally let go of the dresser and stood up straight, turning around to face Emily.

“Yeah? It’s not too much?”

Emily shook her head vehemently, still smiling.

“Well, maybe too much for Austin, he definitely doesn’t deserve it. But then again he wouldn’t deserve you if you were sporting a potato bag.”

Sue half-heartedly punched her friend in the arm, but her face betrayed her amusement.

“You’d never think anyone’s good enough for me anyway”

She joked, rolling her eyes.

“Maybe I just don’t like the idea of sharing you.”

Emily said so softly, it was almost a whisper. Their eyes locked, both girls silent for a moment longer than should have been comfortable.

Sue felt an inexplicable instinct to reassure Emily, tell her that no matter what, she would always be hers before anything else. She broke their eye contact, shaking the intrusive thought away, briefly wondering where on Earth it might have come from.

“Could you…”

Sue motioned to the back of her dress, where she hadn’t been able to reach the top buttons.

Emily simply nodded as Sue turned around, finding her best friend’s image in the mirror in front of them. She watched as Emily delicately traced the edge of her dress with her fingers. She pretended not to notice Emily’s quick intake of breath when those fingers brushed against her skin, just as she pretended not to feel the goosebumps they left in their wake.

It wasn’t a new sensation, anyway.

In the seven years they had been best friends, not a day went by where Emily Dickinson didn’t take Sue’s breath away, one way or another. She did the first day of high school, when they met, with her ingenuous smile and articulated sentences that left her mouth so fast they made Sue’s head spin. No fourteen-year-old she’d ever met spoke that much and that fast.

But then again, Emily wasn’t like anyone she had ever met, before or after. Nobody else was so unapologetically, painfully, awkwardly, unequivocally themselves the way Emily Dickinson had been since day one. And most certainly not Sue.

Fourteen-year-old Sue had already lost both her parents as a child and had just moved to Amherst after losing her sister Mary, too, to go live with a distant aunt she barely knew.

Fourteen-year-old Sue had already learnt to be quiet and observant, to study every situation and adapt to it accordingly. She was not insincere, but she was never truly herself either. She knew she had to fit in and keep her aunt happy, the threat of spending the next four years of her life bouncing around the foster system looming over her. She was sure her aunt was not evil, per se, just very old fashioned and strict.

Which was one of the many reasons why becoming best friends with the weirdest girl in Amherst was about the worst idea Sue could have had. But as she walked home next to Emily, listening to her overly detailed and overly zealous description of the blooming azaleas they were passing by, Sue knew that it was somehow the best idea she would ever have, as well.

The Dickinsons were one of the oldest and wealthiest families in Amherst and they were kind and welcoming with Sue from the start. For both these reasons – the former more than the latter, Sue cynically assumed – her aunt didn’t discourage her friendship with Emily, despite never failing to comment on her odd behaviour every time Emily came around the house.

So the two started hanging out at the Homestead most days – which, who names their house, anyway? Perhaps Emily wasn’t the only weird one in her family, Sue thought as she looked at her friend, busy climbing a tree in the orchard behind the house.

With how much time Sue was spending around the Dickinson’s, it didn’t take long for her to meet Austin. It took mere minutes for him to decide she would become his girlfriend. It took a few months for him to wear her down, but she eventually relented, enjoying the attention he gave her. She had never had anyone pay attention to her in that way before. Other than Emily, that is.

And so Sue and Austin became a thing. Emily was not impressed. They were somewhat of an it couple at their school, Austin’s popularity quickly rubbing off on Sue as soon as they started going out. Sue tried to divide her time between the siblings as equally as possible, still spending every day in class with Emily, and most of her afternoons reading poetry in her room or running around the orchard.

The evenings and most weekends, however, had become Austin’s. There was always some football game, some party or whatever other high school event her brother could find to steal Sue away from her. For an orphan, Sue oddly felt like the the only child contended between two divorcing parents.

She tried to include Emily in their social life. They even went on a double date once with their classmate George, who had always been so obviously in love with Emily, it was quite endearing. He followed her around like a lost puppy, carrying her books and praising her poetry, never once put off by the girl’s quirks or snarky remarks. Emily quite liked him. She was glad to have someone to hang out with when Sue wasn’t around anymore, that much she did tell her friend. She would never say why she wouldn’t date him, though, but she was unmovable on the subject.

And so the years went by. When Austin graduated high school and left for college a year before them, Emily could not hide her excitement in having Sue back all to herself. Sue’s popularity stuck despite Austin’s departure, and she seemed to genuinely enjoy it, to Emily’s surprise. She kept attending parties and social events even with her boyfriend gone. She would bring Emily instead. The poet found she didn’t hate these gatherings quite as much without her brother around. She still didn’t enjoy being around her drunken classmates but then a tipsy Sue would come and pull her away from whatever corner she had hidden into and they’d dance and drink and the world would just fade away.

When Sue turned eighteen, only a couple of months before her high school graduation, her aunt kicked her out. Well, she didn’t kick her out per se. She just told Sue she had done her duty as her legal guardian and Sue had to fend for herself as an adult, now.

Naturally, the Dickinsons took her in.

Sue remembered the first night she slept there. They had put her in Austin’s room. It only made sense, as it was vacant with him being away to college. But when she found herself lying in Austin’s room, in Austin’s bed, alone, it just felt… wrong. She looked around at the Star Wars posters and old high school books and felt a sense of discomfort.

When she tiptoed out of the room and into the hallway, she was relieved to see a dimmed light escaping the closed door to Emily’s room. She dared to knock, as lightly as possible, hoping her friend would hear her.

There was silence for a few moments, then Sue saw a shadow move in the light. The door opened to reveal a confused Emily.

“Sue. It’s you.”

“Were you expecting someone else at 2 in the morning?”

“Sometimes my mum wakes up thinking about the grocery list and comes to tell me right away.”

Emily shrugged as if it were normal. Sue didn’t really have a normal experience herself to compare this to but she was pretty sure it wasn’t. She filed this as one of the many quirks of the Dickinson family.

“…Everything ok?”

Emily asked as her friend stood awkwardly in her doorstep.

“Yeah, I just… can I sleep here tonight?”

Emily seemed oddly dumbstruck by this question, so dumbstruck in fact that she didn’t reply. She just stared at Sue with wide eyes and an odd look on her face. If she didn’t know better, Sue would say she seemed almost scared.

“It’s just, Austin’s room is so cold and full of… stuff. Boy stuff. His stuff. I don’t know, it’s giving me chills for some reason.”

She went on to explain, waiting for Emily’s reaction. The poet finally seemed to shake out of whatever had taken over her, stepping back to let her friend in and then carefully closing the door behind her.

“Get into bed if you want, but do you mind if I finish this first?”

Emily faintly gestured towards her desk, filled with scrambled pieces of paper and an open pen.

“You’re writing?”

The poet looked out of the window, nodding.

“I like the quiet. She keeps me company.”

Sue was confused but she followed Emily’s gaze and understood. She was talking about the moon. Sue couldn’t help the small smile that formed on her face every time she got a glimpse of the workings of Emily Dickinson’s mind.

She crawled into bed as Emily sat down and started writing again. Sue had no idea Emily was merely doodling in her notebook, too acutely aware of her friend’s presence to think of actual words.

After what she hoped was an appropriate amount of time, she dared turn off her desk light and make her way back to her own bed. She got in, as carefully as possible, and lied completely still, staring at the ceiling. She could hear Sue’s faint breathing next to her. She slowly turned towards her sleeping friend and couldn’t help but think this was the most relaxed Emily had ever seen her. It suited her, Emily thought. She instinctively reached out to move a strand of hair away from Sue’s face.

She immediately froze when she saw Sue stir slightly in her sleep, quietly yelping as she pulled her hand away and turned her back to her friend. Sue tried to ignore the butterflies she felt as the ghost touch of Emily’s hand lingered on her cheeks.

And after all these years, those butterflies were still alive and well, awakened every time Emily got a little too close for comfort. Including now, as the poet made sure to button the dress up as slowly as humanly possible, trying to make the moment and the contact last forever.

When she finally did the last one, her hand lingered on Sue’s shoulder for a moment. Without thinking about it, Sue reached up and connected her hand with Emily’s, intertwining their fingers together. They stared at each other through the mirror.

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

Emily’s words were soft and kind and loving. Sue smiled sadly.

“I am”

Emily nodded, eyes falling to the ground as she let go of Sue’s hand and took a step back to allow her to turn around.

“Thanks for being here for me, Em.”

Emily did her best to hide her teary eyes behind a smile.

“For you Sue, always.”

The ceremony was lovely. Sue had very few guests of her own, but the Dickinsons’ numerous relatives and half of Amherst inhabitants made up for it. She had initially opposed Austin’s idea of a destination wedding, thinking it an unnecessary expense, but they had compromised, finding a beautiful venue on the lakeside just a couple hours from the city.

Sue looked around at her friends drunkenly dancing and laughing as the reflection of the stars and their artificial lights mixed together in the lake and thought this had been a good idea. She saw Mrs Dickinson, who had not been holding back on the celebration, drag her uncomfortable husband on the dancefloor and try to make him dance with her. She smiled a little, thinking this odd mess of a family was a little bit hers now.

As the music started fading, one song being replaced by the next, Sue was taken out of her thoughts by some hushed voices coming from the nearby garden. The voices seemed to speak quietly, but animatedly. Before she could make out anything that was being said, Emily walked out of the bushes and into the veranda, George following closely behind her. She seemed distraught but her face lit up immediately as she saw Sue standing before her.

“Ssshuee!”

A very inebriated Emily stumbled towards her sister-in-law with open arms. Sue caught her, struggling not to fall over as Emily seemed to have put her whole weight into the hug. She squeezed Sue tightly.

“I love you so much Sue”

Sue returned the hug. She could feel Emily smiling, her lips brushing against Sue’s neck as she sighed contently. She tried to ignore the immediate goosebumps Emily’s breath left where it touched her skin.

“I love you too, Em”

Emily suddenly pulled back from the hug, hands firmly gripping Sue’s shoulders. She got serious all of a sudden, staring into Sue’s eyes.

“No, Sue, I really love you”

Sue felt a pang in her chest, Emily’s eyes felt like they were staring directly into her soul.

“I… really love you, too.”

Before Emily could reply, George, who had been awkwardly watching the exchange from aback, stepped up to the two of them, delicately pulling Emily’s arms off Sue.

“Hey Em, why don’t we go drink some water and let the bride enjoy herself, uh?”

Emily looked at George, then at Sue, then back at George. Back at Sue. She looked down at her dress, realisation coming over her.

“The bride…”

Emily’s eyes suddenly welled up with tears.

“Okay now, let’s go get you that water. Congratulations again, Mrs Dickinson”

George winked at Sue, pulling Emily away as the poet just kept staring at her friend silently.

Only when they were out of sight did Sue let herself let out the breath she had been holding since Emily let go of her. She felt something on her cheek, quickly swiping her hand at it to dry the tears that had somehow found their way there. She took a moment to compose herself, then looked out into the crowd of dancing guests.

She quickly located Austin, bottle of wine in hand, jumping around with his friends and made her way to him, careful not to get accidentally hit by any of their flying limbs.

“Austin?”

She half-yelled over the music and party noise.

“My wife! Hey, everybody, my wife’s here!”

Austin took a generous drink of his bottle and put his arm around Sue, who smiled shyly as everybody cheered them on.

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss”

The chant started.

Austin turned to her, arm still around her shoulders, eyes glossed over. She leaned in and pecked him on the cheek, eliciting more shouting and whistles from the crowd. Staying close to his face, she spoke directly into his ear to overcome all the noise.

“I’m so tired, I think I might just go to sleep, is that okay?”

Austin looked at her alarmed.

“You’re not enjoying yourself? Is it the champagne? It’s too sparkly isn’t it? Father said there’s no such thing as too sparkly champagne but I’m telling you-“

Sue put her hands on his chest to stop his rambling.

“The champagne’s perfect. Everything is. I’m really just exhausted. You enjoy your night for as long as you want, okay?”

Austin didn’t look too convinced. Sue gave him a quick kiss, hoping to reassure him, and bid him goodnight.

She took her shoes off, carrying them in her hands as she walked alongside the lake to the villa the Dickinson family had rented for them all. It was something right out of the 1850s, spanning two floors and multiple bedrooms. The newlyweds had been granted the cabin, built right next to the villa which had a separate entrance to the main house.

She closed the door behind her, letting her shoes drop right next to it, and fell headfirst into the bed, willing sleep to come take her away from her never ending, ever so confusing thoughts.

Somehow, it worked. She must have actually been more tired than she thought, because when she woke, it was to a slant of light coming in from the window. Odd, she could have sworn the cabin was on the west side.

She heard sheets rustling, someone moving next to her. She smiled. At least Austin somehow managed to make it back to their room in one piece. She turned around, ready to face her hangover husband, when-

“AAAH!”

Sue jumped out of the bed as if she’d been burnt, staring at the person lying there, nose scrunched and hand covering their ear.

“Good morning to you, too”

Sue didn’t move, just stood there, eyes wide, not knowing what to do.

“Oh come on Sue, you’ve seen my bed hair before.”

“What are you doing here, Emily?”

Chapter Text

“What are you doing here, Emily?”

“You mean here… in my room?”

Sue followed Emily’s eyes and took in their surroundings for the first time since waking up. They were indeed in Emily’s room on the first floor of the villa the Dickinsons had rented out for the wedding.

“What am I doing here?”

Sue put her face in her hands, trying to figure out how she got here.

“You slept here, remember? Austin’s not supposed to see you today.”

“Why not?”

Emily regarded her strangely. She was not used to carrying the sane side of the conversation.

“Are you okay? Is this wedding jitters or something?”

“Why would I have wedding jitter-”

Sue moved her hands away from her face to look at her friend, confused. Only then she noticed her left hand. It had no ring on it.

“I hear it can happen when people get married but then again, what do I know”

Emily shrugged as Sue just kept staring at her left hand, frozen mid-air. Suddenly she felt someone else’s fingers wrap around it, slowly moving her arm down until it rested at her side.

Emily was standing in front of her, hand still holding Sue’s, eyes searching her friend’s trying to hide her worry.

“Are you… do you not want to go through with this? It’s not too late, you know.”

Emily watched Sue intently, a hint of hope carried through her words.

“…It’s not?”

Sue’s gears were turning, trying to catch up. She did sleep in Emily’s room the night before her wedding, in order to avoid seeing Austin before the ceremony. But that was two days ago… wasn’t it?

Emily let go of Sue’s hand to move it to her cheek, holding it lightly, guiding Sue to look at her.

“Sue?”

Sue instinctively leaned into the touch and covered her friend’s hand with her own, holding it there for a moment, before pulling it away.

“I’m okay, I just had a strange dream. Let’s go get breakfast.”

Sue went through the rest of the day with the most realistic sense of déjà vu she had experienced in her whole life. She chalked it up to strange wedding day spider senses – she blamed Austin for knowing what that even meant – and pretended not to be freaked out when Emily walked into her room as she was getting dressed.

“Oh Sue… you look incredible”

Sue smiled.

“So do you”

She had wanted to say that when they first had this conversation. If they first had this conversation. Emily did look stunning in her blue bridesmaid dress, long hair flowing down her shoulders.

The poet seemed to blush for a moment.

Sue turned around slightly, pointing to the back of her dress.

“Could you…?”

Emily stepped closer, delicately starting to button up Sue’s dress.

When she asked Sue if she was sure, her response came a little less quickly this time. Sue thanked Emily for being there for her.

“For you, Sue, always”

The ceremony was lovely… again. So was the reception. Everybody got drunk (again) and danced the night away (again). Sue drank a couple glasses of sparkly champagne, but she didn’t feel comfortable getting drunk around Austin’s family, as much as they technically were her own family now too. It may have something to do with her habit of always being in control but the thought of being wasted in front of Mr Dickinson felt wrong somehow.

Speaking of Mr Dickinson, there he was getting dragged out into the dancefloor by his wife, who clearly did not share Sue’s concerns about drinking. Sue promptly turned to the garden, knowing what was about to happen.

And there they were, a very drunk Emily followed by a somewhat more sober George.

“Ssshuee!”

The poet launched herself at Sue, who this time was slightly more prepared and caught her a little more gracefully than before. Sue looked at George. She had not noticed yesterday how troubled he looked. He wouldn’t stop throwing glances at Emily.

“I love you so much Sue”

Sue couldn’t help but smile. Even though she knew it was coming, it was still nice to hear.

“I know.”

She delicately untangled herself from Emily.

“You should get some sleep, Em. Will you make sure she gets in okay?”

She asked George, who nodded before pulling Emily away.

Sue went straight to Austin, knowing where to find him. She dragged him away from his friends to speak a little more privately.

“My wife! Are you enjoying yourself?”

He put his arm around her, smiling down at her with glossy eyes.

“I am, I am. But I’m actually really tired, I’m going to call it a night, okay? You stay here and have fun.”

“What? No wait- is it the champagne? Because-“

“It’s not the champagne. Champagne is supposed to be sparkly, Austin. It’s good champagne. Don’t worry about me, I’ll see you later.”

She kissed him on the cheek quickly, left the reception and took off her shoes to walk to their shared cabin, admiring the lights sparkling on the lake on her way.

She fell into bed just as soon as she got in, sleep overtaking her almost instantly.

The first thing Sue saw when she woke up, before even opening her eyes, was light. She opened her eyes slowly, letting them adjust as she took in the now almost familiar ceiling. She turned to the girl sleeping next to her.

“Hey”

Emily mumbled, still half asleep.

“Hey”

“How are you feeling?”

Emily was looking at her now, studying her a little.

“It depends. What day is it?”

The poet chuckled.

“You really forgot?”

Sue sighed, a heavy feeling in her chest.

“Guess not.”

“You know, Sue, if you don’t want to do this, it’s not too late.”

It was Sue’s turn to study Emily’s face.

“Why do you keep saying that?”

Emily’s eyes widened a little. She sat up, starting to get out of bed.

“I don’t- I’m not- I just want you to be sure, that’s all. I want you to be happy.”

Emily stopped pacing around the room, turning back to look at Sue.

“Will you be? Happy?”

Sue opened her mouth to reply but nothing came out. She really did not know the answer to that.

Emily smiled sadly before throwing a cardigan at Sue.

“Come on, let’s go get breakfast”

The rest of the day flew by before Sue’s eyes like someone else was living it in her place. She even almost forgot to say ‘I do’ when the time came. She realised as she was standing there in front of the minister and all their guests that they had all been silent for a moment. She noticed then that they were all staring at her. Austin with panic in his eyes. Emily, just behind him, with something else. Something that almost stopped Sue. But what was the point, it’s not like any of this meant anything anyway.

Still, those two words were getting harder to speak every day. Especially when they were immediately followed by her best friend’s eyes shooting to the ground, hiding the tears forming in them. She had pretended not to see them the first time around, but she couldn’t ignore it anymore.

She thought she’d get through this day, once, be married to Austin, live a decent life. Maybe not a perfect one, but a good one. A life where she didn’t have to worry about being an orphan with no family or money. A life where she knew she’d always be loved and taken care of.

But as much as she listed them again and again in her mind, all the reasons to marry Austin started to sound less and less convincing with every day where she woke up having to do it again.

And then there was the other thing. The obvious thing. The Emily thing.

Having to wake up next to her just before breaking her best friend’s heart every day was one of the cruellest parts of her current situation.

Sue was not blind, and she was not dense. She knew there was something between her and Emily. Something unspoken. Something big. It had just always been there, in the fabric of their friendship. She didn’t necessarily choose not to acknowledge it, it just sort of… happened.

They were so young when they met, and feelings are a strange thing. Austin was a boy, and he liked her, so it seemed only natural to like him back. He kind of had Emily’s smile, and some of her goofiness, though he tried to hide it. She did notice Emily’s looks when they’d started dating. She knew she felt betrayed. Sue felt like she had betrayed her in some way, too.

But being with Austin was just so easy. Her aunt loved the idea of her dating a Dickinson – although she might not have loved it if Sue chose another sibling. And Sue needed a roof over her head. Plus, she would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy the perks of hanging with the popular kids. She felt like she had a place. And all the parties and drinking and football games were a welcome distraction to the intruding thoughts about Emily that would weave their way into her mind more often than she would have liked to admit.

She was genuinely distraught when Austin left for college. Not necessarily because she would miss him, although part of her surely would, but because that left her with exactly what she’d been trying to avoid. Time. Time to think. Time to dwell. Time to be with Emily. Emily and her kind eyes, her clever words and loving poems.

Their senior year had actually been pretty great. They went back to hanging out every day. She’d facetime Austin most nights, and he’d come visit every other weekend, but other than that, she was with Emily. She’d even managed to drag her to some of the parties she liked to go to, although she never got too drunk at those. She didn’t trust herself to get drunk with Emily around.

When she turned eighteen and she moved in with the Dickinsons, she and Emily became roommates. She was supposed to be in Austin’s room, but that never felt right. She would be, when he came back for the weekend, but the rest of the time, she enjoyed the safety of Emily’s space. She had grown accustomed to the faint light shining into the small hours of the night, sheets rustling as Emily tried not to wake her when she finally went to sleep. At first, she would wake up early to get back into Austin’s room, pretending she’d been there all night, but at some point, that pretence was dropped. Emily and Sue sharing a bed just became another of the many Dickinson quirks.

And since their being roommates turned out to work so well, they decided to stick with it and moved in together when they went to college in Boston. Sue could not afford rent in an apartment and was determined not to take any money from the Dickinsons, so Emily moved into a dorm room with her. Emily studied arts and literature, while Sue focused on maths, for which she got a scholarship. Emily would catch her glancing over her shoulder at her poetry books whilst sighing over complex equations.

“Do you even like maths?”

Emily asked her once, abruptly, after the umpteenth sigh of the day.

“I mean… I guess. I’m good at it.”

“You shouldn’t do something just because you’re good at it. You should be able to enjoy it too.”

Sue smiled at her, sadly.

“I just can’t afford to think like that.”

And with that, she went back to her book on physics. Emily stared at her intently, deep in thought.

In the year they’d been living together, they’d developed a perfect system for nearly everything. They took turns in doing chores, Sue did the cooking, Emily the washup, they had a weekly movie night and several impromptu Netflix marathons when Sue wasn’t out with Austin, and she never brought him back there when she was. It was their place only.

“You want to go to a party tonight?”

Emily looked up from her book with a quirked eyebrow. The request didn’t exactly violate any of their coinhabiting rules, if not some unwritten ones. Emily was for playing cards and watching tv shows, Austin was for going to parties with Sue while Emily stayed at home writing and generally brooding in the candlelight.

“What about Austin?”

Sue made a strange face.

“He’s on a boys’ trip with Ship and Henry”

Well, that explained it.

“What kind of party?”

Emily asked, cautiously. Although she had attended the odd high school party here and there, she had not dipped her toe in college celebrations and to be quite honest she did not feel the need to start. But this was Sue asking.

“The fun kind.”

The poet still didn’t look convinced. Sue rolled her eyes.

“It’s actually at some theatre kid’s apartment, probably nothing too crazy, lots of drama students I assume.”

“How did you get invited to that?”

“I have my ways”

Sue smirked. Emily’s eyes fell to her lips ever so briefly.

“Ugh, fine.”

“Really? I mean, yeah! I promise, it’ll be fun.”

“Sue…”

Emily turned to her friend, half threatening half terrified, as they walked into the apartment.

“You did not tell me this was a costume party”

She shrieked out the last words in horror.

“Would you have come if I did?”

Emily glared at her.

“Exactly”

Sue pulled two fancy looking masquerade masks seemingly out of nowhere, putting one on Emily’s face and one onto her own.

“Is Austin really on a boys’ trip?”

Sue bit her lip, looking at her oddly.

“Does it even matter? Come on, Em. Just enjoy yourself.”

Sue took her hand and walked them over to a table that had been set up with food and drinks and poured two generous shots of vodka for them, handing one to Emily.

“Salud!”

She clinked them together before taking the shot. Emily followed suit, albeit much less enthusiastically.

Emily had mixed feelings about this party. For one, it was a party. She disliked parties. But, it was a college party, her first one at that, and one where she knew exactly zero people. And whilst that partly terrified her introverted self, it also gave her a sense of exhilarating freedom. She could do anything, be anyone right now, and these people dressed as elphabas and phantoms of the operas would be none the wiser.

Sue seemed to be of the same mind. She rarely let herself go completely, but she seemed to be enjoying herself quite a lot, taking part of many of the surprisingly varying array of Broadway themed drinking games of the night, and often dragging Emily along with her, which resulted in the both of them getting quite drunk. When Emily was still lucid enough to do so, she decided it was time to call an uber and get back to their dorm. She watched as Sue finished her remarkably on key performance of ‘sincerely me’ from Dear Evan Hansen, for which she had played all three parts, then managed to find their coats and get them both back safely.

When they got home and the door closed behind them, everything happened so fast, Emily did not have time to process it. She just knew the coats she was holding were on the floor with their purses, her back was against the wall and Sue’s lips were on her own.

In her state of drunken haze, her first reaction was to kiss her back. And she did, for a moment, before coming back to her senses and gently pushing her friend away by her shoulders.

“I’m not Austin”

Were the first words that came to her mind. They were siblings after all and Sue was definitely out of it enough to maybe confuse them? But she just grinned drunkenly, looking at Emily’s lips.

“I know”

Sue chuckled, before leaning back in. Emily stopped her just before their lips could touch again.

“Alrighty then, let’s get you to bed”

She supported Sue’s weight with her own while guiding her to her room. She got her sitting on the bed and took Sue’s shoes off before making a quick trip to the kitchen, coming back with a glass of water in hand. She found Sue still sitting there, but her arms were in the air, her shirt and cardigan somehow stuck together over her head. Emily could help the laugh that escaped her.

“What are you doing?”

“What?”

Sue simply replied, as if nothing were wrong. Emily shook her head, putting the glass of water on the nightstand and getting her friend’s shirt back on as she helped her lie down.

As Emily was leaning over her, Sue reached out her hand and gently but surely grabbed the back of her neck, bringing her down for their lips to meet again in a soft kiss.

“Sue… stop.”

Sue just smiled. Emily looked in her eyes, searching for something.

“Is Austin maths?”

The question made sense in her head, maybe because she was also a bit drunk or possibly just because she was Emily Dickinson. But Sue just looked at her in confusion.

“Is he the safe choice, something you’re good at that you don’t necessarily… love?”

For a moment, Sue looked stone cold sober. She averted her gaze, letting go of Emily completely, and turned to lie on her side.

“Goodnight, Em”

She mumbled against the pillow. Emily slowly got up from Sue’s bed.

“Night, Sue.”

The ceremony was lovely. So was the reception. Sue had just started to hate it all.

It’s ironic, if they had to choose one day of their lives they could relive forever, most people would probably choose their wedding day. But for Sue it had been difficult enough to get through once, three times were three too many. And she did not want to think of how many more she would have to endure before this ended.

Would it even end? Was she just trapped in her own brand of personal nightmare? Was it a nightmare?

She sighed. Maybe it was. Maybe she just had to do this enough times and she would finally wake up.

She looked back at the veranda behind her, where all the guests where happily dancing and drinking, celebrating her wedding in her place. The stars and lights reflecting on the lake were as beautiful as ever. If she had to relive this day forever, at least she would always end it with this view.

“I’m gonna go talk to her”

A voice came from the bushes nearby, muffled by the distance and the alcohol behind it.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now”

Another replied softly.

Sue moved in closer, careful not to make a sound, and noticed two figures talking quietly on a bench in a corner of the garden. The taller one, a man, was squeezing the other’s arm seemingly in an attempt to comfort them.

“Want to go in and celebrate with the others?”

The man suggested calmly. The other person – a woman – scoffed lightly.

“Celebrating is the lashht thing I wanna do right now”

And even though the words were slurred, Sue would recognise that voice anywhere.

“It’s a wedding, Emily. It’s supposed to be fun.”

George sighed, still speaking softly. Emily chuckled humourlessly.

“Yeah, it’s been a blast so far”

She took a generous swing from the bottle she was holding.

“Why can’t you just take a break from your brooding tonight and be happy for Sue and Austin?”

“Because I’m in love with her”

Emily simply replied, with teary, resigned eyes, leaving George speechless.

“You’re- that’s- what?”

The boy stared at her, processing this new information. Emily stared at the lake.

“She’s the moon and the stars and without her I’m just left in the darkness”

“Not taking a break from the brooding I see”

George commented, still in shock.

“I’m gonna go tell her”

Emily announced, as she got up and started marching towards the veranda with purpose.

“Emily, wait, that’s not- Emily!”

George started running after her.

Sue did not move, in fact, she did not breathe until she was sure they were completely out of sight. She assumed when Emily couldn’t find her inside, George would make sure she would be okay, as he always did.

For a moment Sue wondered, would she be okay? George wasn’t the only one still processing this new information. Well, not completely new, but it’s one thing to suspect, another to hear the words leaving Emily’s mouth directly. To see the way her eyes lit up, even behind a veil of sadness, when she talked about her.

Sue sighed, letting herself fall onto the bench the two had just vacated. She wasn’t sure of much right now, but she knew one thing. She had had enough of this day.

So she made up her mind to stay right there and wait until it was over. If she never went to sleep, she reasoned, she would never waked up and have to do this again.

She found the bottle Emily had been drinking from sitting in the grass next to the bench, still half full. She took a big gulp, watching the stars’ reflection sparkling in the lake, trying to focus on the sounds of the party behind her to distract her brain from wandering.

She did not know how much time had passed, but she knew it had to be late. The partygoers had started leaving, the noise getting softer and softer, too soft to keep Sue awake, which is why at some point she decided to take a swing from the bottle every time she felt herself drifting away.

And while this had not made her any less sleepy, it had definitely gotten her pretty drunk. Drunker than she would ever had let herself get on any other night. Which is probably part of the reason why she didn’t notice somebody coming to sit next to her and gently taking the bottle from her hands. She turned around clumsily.

Emily took a swing from the bottle, or rather, tried to, realising it was empty.

“Well, you had fun”

She commented lightly, putting the empty bottle on the ground. She seemed to have sobered up a little. Sue started laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’m drunk”

She replied, her giggling contagious as Emily’s laugh escaped her too.

“That, you are.”

“Gosh, I haven’t been this drunk since…”

Sue let her words hang in the air, eyes lost onto the lake in front of them whilst Emily’s fixated on her. Deciding she wasn’t comfortable anymore, Sue adjusted so she could lie down, her head in Emily’s lap. Emily started mindlessly playing with Sue’s hair.

“You were right, you know.”

Sue said after a minute or two of comfortable silence.

“I mean, I usually am, but you’ll have to be a little more specific”

“Austin is maths”

Sue turned to meet her eyes.

“You… you remember that?”

Emily asked cautiously, trying to quiet the hope in her voice. Sue nodded with a faint smile.

“How could I not?”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

Emily didn’t sound accusatory, only sad.

“It’s just so complicated”

Sue sighed, closing her eyes, focusing on Emily’s soft hand in her hair.

“Sue, I… I love you”

Sue looked into Emily’s vulnerable eyes.

“I love you, too, Em”

The poet sighed wistfully.

“I wish you hadn’t married Austin.”

Sue closed her eyes again.

“Maybe tomorrow I won’t.”

Chapter Text

“Hey”

Emily spoke softly, her voice still sleepy. Sue was lying awake on her back, staring at the ceiling. She turned her head to look at Emily.

“Hey”

Sue found Emily’s hand laying between them and tangled it with her own, playing with their intertwined fingers. Emily simply let her, her eyes never leaving Sue’s face. There was something odd about her. She was too… calm.

“How are you feeling?”

Sue moved her gaze from their joined hands to Emily’s face, reaching out to cup her cheek gently.

“I’m okay.”

They just stayed like that, staring at each other, Sue’s thumb lightly grazing Emily’s cheek. After a minute or so, Emily willed herself to take Sue’s hand in hers, removing it from her own face, and sat up.

“We should probably get dressed and get some breakfast. Big day ahead.”

Sue slowly mirrored her actions, sitting up next to her.

“Yeah, about that. What if I didn’t go?”

Emily furrowed her eyebrows.

“What do you mean?”

Sue sighed. She regarded Emily for a few moments before speaking again.

“You’re going to think I’m crazy”

She shook her head, bringing her hand up to cover her eyes in frustration. Emily gently grabbed it with her own, bringing their joined hands down onto the comforter.

“Try me”

“I’ve done this before”

“What? Been married? Because I’ve known you since we were fourteen and we’ve been living together for the past 4 years, I think I’d remember that.”

Sue chuckled almost unintentionally.

“Interesting word choice. Remember. But you don’t. Nobody ever does.”

She let herself fall back down on the bed, head landing on the pillows. Emily looked down at her, confused and concerned. Sue tried to explain.

“I know this sounds crazy but every day I wake up and it’s my wedding day. And I have to do this again and again and… I don’t think I want to anymore.”

Sue looked up at her friend, trying to gauge her reaction. Emily was staring at a random spot on the bed comforter, a crinkle in her forehead told Sue she was deep in thought.

“Okay.”

“You believe me?”

Emily shrugged.

“I mean, why would you lie, right?”

Sue looked at her incredulously, relief washing over her.

“Okay.”

“So what now?”

Emily looked at her expectantly.

“Right. I hadn’t gotten that far yet. I just figured, I’ve been doing pretty much the same thing over and over again and this just keeps happening so maybe if I break the cycle, do the unexpected, then it’ll just… stop?”

She looked at Emily searching for reassurance, but the poet simply shrugged again.

“Hey, don’t look at me, I have no idea how any of this works but I’m here for you.”

Sue smiled at her fondly.

“You always are.”

“What happens when they realise you’re gone?”

“I don’t know. Isn’t that amazing? To not know.”

Sue seemed genuinely excited at the prospect, which made Emily smile in return. She looked beautiful, happy and carefree as they walked by the lakeside.

“And what if this actually works? What if tomorrow comes around and it’s actually tomorrow?”

Emily questioned, walking a couple feet behind Sue.

“Sounds like a problem for tomorrow.”

Sue smiled at her then, looking and feeling more free than she had in a long time. They reached a small beach and headed down, taking off their shoes to take a walk on the rocky sand.

It was a beautiful day, and though it was only spring and the water was too cold to swim in it, Emily and Sue dipped their toes in the lake, splashing each other, skipping rocks and laughing together. They found a path leading to a nearby woodland, Emily stopping every two seconds to marvel at some wild flower or particular type of plant. Sue had no idea what she was talking about, but she happily listened to her friend enthusiastically describe every green thing they encountered.

They ventured into a small cabin that served as a café, half hidden along the trail they had ended up following, and got a couple sandwiches to take away. They found a nice spot amongst the trees with a view of the lake and sat down to enjoy their lunch.

“So how was it?”

“A little dry, but not bad.”

Emily laughed.

“I meant your wedding.”

“Oh.”

Sue looked down a little uncomfortably.

“It was fine, I guess.”

“You really know how to paint a picture.”

Emily deadpanned.

“You’re the poet, I just study maths.”

Sue replied without thinking. Emily shot her a look. She quickly spoke again.

“It was lovely. Everyone looked great. They had fun, I think. The party was… good.”

Sue tried to shake the memory of Emily’s drunken confession.

“You don’t really want to hear this.”

For a moment it seemed like Emily was about to protest but she stopped herself.

“I really don’t, actually.”

Sue chuckled at her brutal honesty, Emily laughing with her until they just fell into a comfortable silence, taking in the nice view of the lake and the nature around them.

“Sue?”

“Mm?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way but don’t you think that maybe all this…”

Emily moved her hands around a bit, trying to convey what she meant.

“…situation that you’re in, might be a sign of some sort?”

“A sign?”

“Maybe the universe is giving you a second chance. Maybe you shouldn’t marry Austin.”

Emily almost whispered the last part, unsure how her friend would react.

Sue knew what Emily was saying. Or, not saying. She sighed, leaning against the tree behind her, closing her eyes.

They had had a similar conversation before.

She had gotten home one night. It was 1AM, but she saw the familiar light shine from Emily’s room after she entered the house.

“Sue?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

She hanged her jacket near the door and let herself fall onto the couch. She just sat there, staring at the wall in front of her. Emily came out of her room, going to stand next to her friend.

“Are you okay?”

“Austin asked me to marry him.”

Sue said plainly, never once looking away from the oh so interesting empty wall in their living room. Emily’s eyes briefly darted to Sue’s left hand. She slowly sat down next to her friend.

“What did you say?”

She asked, trying to sound unaffected when really a storm was going through her mind and her heart. Her brother had been talking about wanting to marry Sue for some time now. He asked their mother for their grandmother’s ring. She just didn’t know when he would do it. And most of all, she did not know what Sue’s answer would be.

“I didn’t say anything.”

Sue finally turned to Emily.

“He asked me at dinner…”

Public proposal. Bit of a rude move, putting that much more pressure on the other person to say yes. Emily didn’t express these particular thoughts out loud, waiting for Sue to continue.

“…but before I could answer, the lights went off. There was a blackout in the whole restaurant. When they came back on, everybody cheered, assuming I had accepted.”

“Did you?”

Sue shook her head. Emily felt her heart swell before Sue’s next words brought her back down again.

“Not yet. I told him I needed to think about it.”

“Right. Right. Good move. Practical.”

“What do you think I should do?”

“Me?”

“No, I was asking the robber behind you.”

“I don’t know, Sue, this is such a big decision.”

“Exactly! I can’t make it alone. And you’re my best friend. I know you’ll always be honest with me, so be honest.”

Sue’s hands had come to rest on Emily’s crossed arms. She looked at them for a moment before looking back up at Sue’s big wondering eyes. She cleared her throat, standing up and pacing around as she answered.

“Honestly… I think you’re a little young. And the light thing? Definitely a sign. A bad sign. Maybe you shouldn’t marry Austin.”

“Em, be serious.”

“I am!”

Sue glared at her. Emily sighed, stopping her pacing. She kneeled in front of Sue, taking her hands in hers.

“Okay, okay. Listen, I think it’s fairly simple. Do you love him?”

“I… think so.”

Emily shook her head.

“Don’t think, just feel. When you’re in love with someone, you don’t have to think about it. You know it in your bones. They are with you every day, the thought of them invading you like… like ivy, growing stronger and stronger until it takes over your whole being. It’s a fire and it’s all consuming.”

They stared into each other’s eyes. Sue wondered. Emily had always had a magical way with words, but could she make something like this up? Did she feel this for somebody? Sue felt a pang of something in her chest at the thought. Jealousy? Or simply the desire to be loved like that. Did she take over Austin’s every thought in the way Emily had described? Did he hers?

Sue sighed, letting go of Emily’s hands as she got up from the couch. She turned back to Emily before leaving the room.

“I’m going to take a quick shower and go to bed. Hopefully I’ll wake up tomorrow and know what do to.”

Emily returned her faint smile.

“I’m sure you’ll do the right thing.”

Later that night, when Sue knocked on Emily’s door, asking to spend the night there, they both knew she had made her decision. It felt like an apology. It felt like a goodbye.

Sue’s eyes opened slowly, struggling against the light. She felt a hand lightly caressing her hair and something tickling her arm. She immediately jolted awake.

“Hey, hey, you’re okay, you just drifted off for a bit.”

Sue looked around. She had been laying in the grass, her head in Emily’s lap.

Emily was smiling down at her, leaning against a tree, a book in her hand.

“Where did you even get that?”

Sue mumbled, still sleepy. Emily shrugged, fingers still slowly moving through Sue’s hair.

“I always carry an emergency book. You know, for emergencies.”

“Of course you do.”

Sue let herself fall back into the comfort of Emily’s lap. She looked towards the lake, which was starting to change colour, reflecting the pink sky.

“I fell asleep like this yesterday too.”

Sue half whispered. Emily stopped her movement, eyes darting to Sue’s face.

“You did? On your wedding night?”

Sue realised just then how strange that must have sounded. She slowly sat up.

“I was trying not to fall asleep at all, to avoid this happening again.”

“That clearly worked.”

Sue chuckled.

“Yeah, not so much.”

She kept staring at the lake in front of them, shining beneath the now violet sky.

“It’s amazing how long this day is when you’re not spending it getting married.”

She half joked.

“And yet you managed to take a two-hour nap anyway.”

Emily teased. Sue turned to her so quickly, she thought she might get whiplash, eyes wide in realisation.

“I did. I slept. And I woke up here. Does that mean-“

“It’s over! You’re cured!”

Emily announced excitedly. Sue matched her enthusiasm for a few moments before her face fell, all colour leaving it.

“Oh shit. Oh shit. Shit shit shit.”

“What is it?”

“I left my wedding. I just up and left and didn’t tell anyone and we both left our phones and they’ll think we’re dead in the lake or something. Or worse, that I’m runaway bride-ing Austin or that we’re-“

Sue stopped herself there, seeing a spark of recognition and pain dash through Emily’s eyes, if only for a moment.

“I’m sorry for dragging you into this.”

Emily took a couple steps closer, squeezing Sue’s arms reassuringly.

“Don’t even say that, Sue. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Sue looked up into her best friend’s adoring eyes and knew without a doubt that she meant every word.

“It’ll be fine, we’ll just go back and say we went for a walk and got lost. Or, you had jitters but it’s all good now! Or we were abducted by Nessie’s American cousin.”

Sue half smiled at that. She wiped the tears that had fallen on her cheeks and tried to recompose herself before taking a step away from the trees, towards the path that would lead them back.

“Sue, wait.”

Emily hadn’t moved, still standing against the sunset. She looked like a Monet painting, Sue thought as her heart skipped a bit.

Emily took a couple steps towards her, taking Sue’s hands in hers and lowering her head as she spoke quietly.

“I wasn’t going to do this. I really wasn’t. I wouldn’t want anything to ruin your day. But with everything that’s happened it just feels like I should, now. I have to.”

She took a deep breath.

“Sue, I… I love you. I’m in love with you.”

Emily finally looked up into Sue’s eyes, hope and panic filling her own.

“I know.”

The poet let her hands fall in surprise, still holding Sue’s.

“You do?”

“I heard you tell George yesterday.”

Emily nodded in understanding, as much as she could try to understand everything Sue had been telling her.

“Before or after?”

“After.”

Sue replied, knowing what she meant.

“Would it have made a difference, before?”

Emily hesitated before speaking again.

“Does it now?”

It dawned on Sue then. Her Groundhog Day nightmare may be over, but her real life wasn’t. For all the times she had to go through her wedding again, it never once realistically occurred to her that she could just say no. It would mean breaking Austin’s heart, possibly his parents’ too, and causing quite some trouble for all the guests that had travelled to be there. Although she imagined they wouldn’t care much if they still got to eat at the reception.

Most of all, for all the hearts it would break, not marrying Austin would mean preserving Emily’s. Emily who was always there for her, not doubting her for an instant, even when she told her she had magically been reliving the same day. Emily with her kind eyes and soft lips that Sue couldn’t forget even though she barely touched them once.

Sue just kept staring into Emily’s eyes, the poet taking her silence as an answer. She smiled sadly, squeezing Sue’s hands one last time before letting go and turning away.

“Let’s go back.”

And go back they did. As expected, the Dickinson family had put together nothing short of a search party for the two. Before Sue could even attempt an explanation, Emily jumped in, taking all the fault. She told Austin she had gone for a walk in the morning, and that Sue had followed, worried when she hadn’t come back, resulting in the both of them getting lost. For ten hours.

It was a shaky explanation, but Austin seemed to believe it. Probably because he wanted to. He rushed to Sue, making sure she was okay. His parents waved and smiled lightly at her, chastising Emily for her carelessness and selfishness even on her brother’s day. Sue felt guilt rush over her, followed by the sudden need to speak up and defend Emily, but she was whisked away by Austin.

Mr Dickinson came back not ten minutes later, after half a dozen phone calls, triumphantly declaring they would still have the reception tonight, as it had all been paid for already, and they could have the actual wedding the next day. Austin beamed at Sue at the news, and she did her best to fake a smile even a quarter as enthusiastic as his.

It was decided that since this was, once again, the night before her wedding, she should spend it away from Austin. And since she and Emily had an adventurous day, as Mrs Dickinson called it, they had managed to excuse themselves from the festivities, turning in early.

“This feels oddly déjà vu.”

Emily commented as she crawled under the covers next to Sue.

“You’re telling me.”

Sue was holding the covers to her chest, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you.”

Sue turned to Emily, who was already looking at her with a look that Sue could only call adoring.

In hindsight, it was ridiculous that Sue could ever doubt the girl’s love for her. She was the only person who looked at her like that - with nothing but unconditional love and admiration. Sue’s memories of her parents were fuzzy, moments and feelings more than people and faces, so she didn’t have that to compare it to. And whilst Austin always looked at her with care and protectiveness, it didn’t even come close to the way Emily’s eyes locking with hers made her feel. Like she was safe. Like she was home.

Suddenly she heard Emily’s words ringing in her ears. ‘Don’t think, just feel’. So she did.

Reaching out her hand to cup Emily’s cheek, she leaned up and closed the distance between them. Taken aback, Emily stilled for a moment, not returning the kiss, but slowly relaxed into it. She wrapped her arms around Sue’s back, pulling her more comfortably on top of her as their lips kept moving leisurely.

They stayed like that for a bit, just taking each other in. After a few minutes, Sue finally pulled away.

She smiled down at Emily, enjoying how her lips looked slightly swollen, cheeks red and breath laboured. She moved a little so she could rest her head on Emily’s chest, closing her eyes as she listened to the girl’s heartbeat.

“Do you remember when Austin asked me to marry him?”

“How could I forget?”

Emily joked, but she was too happy at the moment to be snarky about it.

“Remember what you told me? About being in love. You said it was like ivy, growing stronger every day. And all consuming, like fire.”

Emily’s hand was running up and down Sue’s arm, leaving goosebumps in its wake.

“I remember.”

Sue looked up at her.

“Were you talking about me?”

The poet looked down. She smiled slowly, fondly. She didn’t need to say anything. Sue hugged her tight, trying to get as close to Emily as humanly possible.

“What will happen tomorrow?”

Emily whispered. Sue closed her eyes, focusing on the girl’s breathing.

“I don’t know. For now, let’s just sleep.”

Chapter Text

For the first time in days, when the sun sneaked its way past the curtains of Emily’s current room, hitting Sue’s sleeping face, she didn’t mind.

She stretched a little, smiling as she turned to look at the girl still sleeping next to her. She threw her arm over Emily to steady herself on the mattress as she started trailing slow kisses down the girl’s neck.

Emily woke up letting out a small whimper, the feel of soft lips warming her up.

“Sue?”

She struggled to open her eyes.

“Good morning.”

Sue smiled as she leaned down to capture Emily’s lips.

“What are you doing?”

Emily asked, sleepily, when she pulled away. Sue chuckled into her neck, as she went back to peppering it with kisses.

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

She kissed Emily’s lips again, as the girl sighed contently. She pulled away after a few moments.

“Alright I think it’s time now”

Sue furrowed her eyes in confusion.

“Time for what?”

“For me to wake up.”

Emily said matter-of-factly. Sue pinched her arm.

“Ow!”

“You seem pretty awake to me.”

Emily looked at her, eyes widening.

“Then why the hell were you kissing me?”

She whispered the last words, eyes darting around the room as if anyone could come out of the shadows at any point.

“Because-“

Reality suddenly washed over Sue. She had been too happy to even consider it. She just wanted to believe it was true. But it was too good to be.

“Emily… what did we do yesterday?”

She asked slowly.

“What do you mean? Nothing much, we drove up here, moved our things into our rooms, father ordered dinner behind mother’s back, mother had a fit about it…”

As Emily kept recounting the events of a day that seemed long gone to Sue, her mind started spiralling. She crawled off of Emily’s lap, settling next to her. She was still here. Still stuck in this never-ending circle, forced to break one of the Dickinson sibling’s heart, one way or another.

She decided she had broken Emily’s enough times.

“Sue, why were you kissing me?”

Emily asked again, breaking a silence that Sue hadn’t even noticed had set in.

“Because I love you.”

She replied before she could stop herself. She could see Emily’s emotions take over her all at once; happiness, hope, incredulousness, shock, everything darting behind those beautiful eyes of hers.

“As a… friend?”

Emily asked, hesitantly. Sue burst out laughing. She moved in closer to Emily, stopping right before their lips touched, and then kissed her slowly.

Moving away just far enough to speak, she whispered.

“No, Em. Not as a friend.”

“…Oh”

Was all Emily could muster. This was the first time Sue had seen the poet at an actual loss for words.

“I love you too!”

Emily blurted out suddenly, wanting to make that clear before Sue could misinterpret her silence. Sue grinned happily. Emily captured her lips again, finally kissing her more surely.

“That’s good”

Sue whispered as she pulled away.

“Now I just need to go break up with your brother on our wedding day.”

Coming down the stairs with Emily, their fingers brushing, smiles creeping out on both their faces, Sue wondered how it was possible to feel so light and so heavy at the same time. She giggled as Emily purposely bumped into her to rush into the kitchen first. They both quieted down when they saw somebody else was there already.

“Hello girls!”

Vinnie beamed up at them from the other side of the counter.

“I was just making coffee, would you like some?”

They both nodded, mumbling their thanks. Emily kept throwing not to subtle glances at Sue, motioning to Lavinia with her eyes. The weight on Sue’s chest took over the lightness.

“You guys okay?”

The blonde asked, slightly puzzled. It’s not like she wasn’t used to her sister’s oddity, but Sue’s was new. Then again, it was her wedding morning after all, if there ever was a time to act weird, this was a good one.

Emily looked at Sue pointedly, half-whispering with her lips barely moving.

“Tell her”

Sue’s eyes widened.

“What? Now?”

Emily nodded vehemently.

“Tell me what?”

Both girls turned to Lavinia, who offered them two cups of steaming coffee. Sue took a deep breath.

“Vinnie, you know I love you like a sister, right?”

“And soon we will be!”

Lavinia smiled at her.

“Yeah… yeah. It’s just- I mean, whatever happens, I care about you and your whole family so much. You know I’d never want to do anything to jeopardise that.”

Lavinia’s smile started fading, her eyebrows furrowing.

“What are you saying?”

Emily put a hand on Sue’s back, drawing circles with her thumb to try and comfort her. Sue instinctively leaned into the touch. Lavinia’s eyes followed the motion for a moment, her eyebrows falling back into place as a small smirk started forming. She shot Emily a knowing look.

“Ship owes me 50 bucks”

She announced triumphantly. Both girls turned to her questioningly.

“I bet him you two would get together eventually. Granted it was like 4 years ago, but bets don’t expire, do they?”

Emily’s hand swiftly left Sue’s back as they both automatically jumped away from each other.

“What? We’re not-“ “That’s ridiculous, why would you even-“

They panicked, talking over each other.

“You sure picked a hell of a day to do it, though"

“You’re not… mad?”

Sue asked nervously.

“It’s kind of hard to be after watching Emily pine after you for all these years.”

“I did not pine”

Emily protested weakly.

“Tell that to your trunk full of poems”

Emily pouted but didn’t reply.

“I do kind of feel bad for Austin, but he’ll get over it”

The weight on Sue’s stomach made itself known once more.

“I guess I should go talk to him”

She said sadly. Lavinia walked around the counter and gave Sue a warm hug.

“You’ll always be a part of this family, Sue, no matter which Dickinson you choose to get it on with.”

“Ugh, Vinnie, why?!”

Emily made a face of disgust whilst Sue’s face flushed. Lavinia shrugged.

“Don’t get any weird ideas though, you’re cute and all but I don’t swing that way. Believe me, I tried.”

“Please shut up.”

Emily begged. Sue grinned at the smaller girl.

“Noted.”

“That went well”

Emily tried to sound positive as she and Sue walked towards the café where they knew Austin and their parents were having breakfast to make sure he and Sue would not cross each other before the wedding.

“I doubt your brother will take it quite as well”

They came to a stop when the café came into view.

“You sure you don’t want me to go with you?”

Sue shook her head.

“As much as I’d like the moral support, I have to do this alone.”

Emily nodded. She glanced around to make sure nobody was around, then leaned in and gave Sue a soft kiss. She pulled back, smiling.

“I can’t believe I get to do that”

And that was it. That was everything Sue needed to give her the strength to go talk to Austin. A reminder of why she had to do it. For Emily. And for herself, so she could selfishly get to see Emily be this happy all the time.

“I’ll see you later, I guess”

Sue started walking away, still looking at Emily.

“Good luck”

Sue stopped right outside the cafè. She could see inside from the glass window. Mr Dickinson was reading the newspaper while his wife went on and on about something, surely wedding related, and Austin politely nodded, pretending to listen, as he sipped his coffee contently. Sue waited a few more seconds before turning the handle and going inside. She knew she was about to ruin his day and wanted to postpone it as much as she could.

“Sue!”

Austin beamed at her like a happy puppy, before remembering he wasn’t supposed to see her. He quickly brought up his hands to cover his eyes.

“What are you doing, we’re not supposed to see each other!”

He glanced at her through his fingers.

“Wait, why aren’t you back at the villa getting ready?”

“Can I talk to you for a second?”

She asked him after greeting his parents. He followed her outside. She guided him to one of the tables there, out of sight and earshot from his parents.

“What’s up?”

“Why don’t we sit down?”

Sue said as she did just that, motioning for Austin to do the same.

“Sue, you’re worrying me”

He forced out a chuckle, but the apprehension was clear in his voice. When Sue didn’t reply, simply looking at him with those big, sad deer eyes, he only grew more worried.

Austin loved Sue. He had loved her since the second he first laid eyes on her. He had gotten home from school one day and found her in his living room, laughing with Emily over a book his sister was reciting from to entertain her friend. He wouldn’t admit it, but had always been a big romantic at heart, and when he saw Sue throwing her head back, laughter escaping her lips as much as she visibly tried to contain it, he knew that was it for him.

It took some convincing, but she eventually agreed to go out with him. His pride was mildly hurt when she said no the first time he asked her, but he was also intrigued. Girls usually lined up to go on a date with him. He wasn’t being conceited, that’s just how things were. He was rich, and popular, and fairly good looking, if he may say so himself – basically, a catch. He could have had any girl in his high school. And that’s precisely why he wanted the one who rejected him.

He pulled out all the stops. It started small, leaving cute notes in her locker, bringing her a flower from their garden every time she came by the house to see Emily, offering to carry her books between classes. After a couple months it became boxes of chocolate, full bouquets of flowers and writing her a song on his acoustic guitar and performing it for her – he still facepalmed thinking about that particular low point.

He wouldn’t say that he wore her down. He did make sure, despite his many efforts, that Sue knew she could refuse to go out with him and he would accept it and leave her alone. He said as much when he gifted her an original vinyl of Rumors by the Fleetwood Mac for her birthday. He had heard her and Emily listening to it and Sue say it was her favourite. And so, at last, Sue agreed to go out with him, and they officially became an item.

Being with Sue wasn’t how he imagined having a girlfriend. She was shy and reserved. He would spend hours telling her about his friends and his football team, his hopes and dreams for the future, and she would listen and smile and hold his hand. She would watch hours of Star Wars with him, accompany him to all of his teammates’ birthday parties, mingle with his friends and always leave the best impression. But she would very rarely open up to him. Any time he asked about her family or even just her passions and emotions, he only got very short and vague answers, feeling her close up and drift away from him.

So he just stopped asking. Perhaps Sue was just a private person and he should respect that.

But. The one thing that bothered Austin to no end is, she wasn’t always that way. She wasn’t that way with Emily. Not when they were alone. The Sue who laughed unrestrained, who actually spoke more than two sentences at a time, the Sue who seemed to feel completely at ease in a way that she never did otherwise, that for some unconceivable reason was for Emily and Emily alone.

Austin obviously never said anything, not that he needed to, when he wore his heart on his sleeve, but this was also the reason why he wasn’t particularly thrilled when the two decided to move in together after high school. But then again, Sue was her own person, and he would never ask her not to do something she wanted to just because he didn’t like it. He never really thought about why it all bothered him so much until his engagement announcement.

He was having dinner at his parents’ house with the whole family, Sue included. When the time for desserts came, he lightly hit his champagne glass with a spoon and proudly declared that Sue had accepted his proposal. The whole table started clapping their hands, congratulating the happy couple. Sue gave one of her small, shy smiles as her eyes locked with Emily, who was unenthusiastically throwing her hands together. When they did, Emily got up, muttering an excuse before making her way to the porch.

For some reason, this bothered Austin incredibly. He got up quickly, chair screeching on the floor, as he went after her.

“Austin, wait!”

Sue tried to call him back.

“I got it”

Lavinia gave her a reassuring smile as she went after her brother.

“Austin, let her be”

Lavinia gently grabbed his arm, stopping him right before he opened the front door. They could see Emily through the window. She was standing on the porch, staring pensively ahead.

“I just don’t understand why she always has to ruin everything”

He huffed, angrily.

“You really don’t?”

Lavinia asked, looking to the dining room behind them where Sue’s left hand had been taken hostage by Mrs Dickinson as she admired the family ring now adorning her finger, recounting its history.

“I really don’t”

He replied, clueless as ever. Lavinia sighed.

“Just… believe me when I tell you this isn’t easy for Emily, okay? Sue’s her best friend. Try to go easy on her.”

With a last squeeze of his arm, she made her way back to the dining room to save Sue from her parents.

Austin didn’t quite know what Lavinia meant then, just as he didn’t know why he was thinking back to that particular moment now, as he watched Sue struggle to find the words to speak to him.

“I can’t marry you”

She finally ripped the band-aid right off.

“What? Why?”

For some reason she was not expecting that very predictable question. Getting caught off guard, she didn’t know what to answer, so she just stared at him. He reached across the table and took her hands in his.

“You know, Sue, it’s perfectly normal to feel nervous. I am, too.”

He squeezed her hands, trying to smile at her, reassuringly. She looked up at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes, which only made this worse. She pulled her hands away.

“It’s not nerves”

“Whatever it is, we can solve it. Together.”

Sue shook her head, tears forming in her eyes.

“No, Austin. I’m sorry but we can’t.”

Austin’s head was spinning, trying to make sense of everything that was happening, searching for a reason why Sue would change her mind so suddenly and so definitively.

“Is this because of freshman year? Because I swear, even though we were broken up at the time, nothing happened. Some drunk girl kissed me at a party but I pushed her away, Sue, I swear-“

“It’s not that, Austin, I believe you. I just can’t do this.”

“Is there someone else?”

Austin found himself asking, although the question itself was ridiculous. Sue had never shown interested in anyone other than him the whole time they’d known each other. Heck, half the time she barely showed interest in him.

Even when they broke up briefly during her first year of college, agreeing they could make other experiences and see other people before officially committing to each other in their adult life, Sue never actually took that opportunity, not that he knew of. He tried to, going to some frat parties but quickly realising that wasn’t his scene. Sue just stayed home that whole time.

But to Austin’s surprise, as soon as he asked the question, Sue’s eyes widened in panic, seemingly answering for her.

Austin’s eyebrows furrowed, his gears turning, until he finally put everything together. Lavinia’s words on their engagement night. Sue staying home when they weren’t together. He suddenly felt incredibly obtuse for not seeing the obvious connection between everything that never made sense to him.

“It’s Emily, isn’t it?”

Sue contemplated denying it. She hadn’t meant to tell him. She didn’t want to cause him any more suffering than she already had. But what was the point in lying now. She looked down, nodding lightly, quickly swiping at her cheek to capture a tear that had fallen from her eye.

“I’m such an idiot”

“You’re not-“

Sue went to reach for Austin’s hand, but he abruptly got up and started walking away.

“Where are you going?”

She called after him. He didn’t turn around to answer.

“To find my sister.”

Emily was sitting on a bench right in front of the lake, admiring how the rays of the sun broke on its surface, moving around frantically, unstoppable and uncontrollable like her thoughts and feelings since that morning. She felt a small smile tug on her lips as she thought back to the morning.

“What the hell, Emily?!”

“Austin?”

She was taken aback as she saw her brother storming towards her, coming to a stop in front of her. She got up to face him.

“Why couldn’t you just let me have this one day where you didn’t ruin anything, where everything was perfect and everyone was happy and things just went the way they were supposed to. But no, you had to come in and… and… corrupt Sue with some crazy notion or something. What did you even tell her, uh? Did you have this prepared? You got some heart wrenching speech ready to make her feel guilty about marrying me or something?”

Austin was screaming in her face, pointing at her, accusatory and angry as she just stood there, staring at him incredulously.

“She didn’t do anything, it was me.”

They both turned around to see Sue just behind Austin, coming down the same way he did.

“Sue…”

Emily all but whispered. But Sue knew what she was saying. Don’t. Don’t defend her, don’t go against Austin, just let her take the fall. She would do that for Sue. But Sue didn’t want her to.

“No, Emily, he needs to hear this. She did nothing wrong. She would have watched me marry you, in silence, and be nothing but supportive because she loves us. Both of us.”

Austin looked at his sister sceptically, then turned to Sue but it hurt too much, so he just glared at his own shoes.

“Austin, I’m so sorry, but this is my fault. I was too scared to recognise my own feelings. I really wanted to love you, I did. And I do, it’s just… not the way that I love her.”

Emily stared at Sue with pure adoration in her eyes and Sue knew then more than ever this was right. It wasn’t easy, but it was right.

Austin just looked between the two of them, not knowing what to do or say.

“I… I need to think. And to cancel the wedding I guess. I’ll go talk to dad.”

“Austin, wait.”

Sue stopped him as he walked past her. He looked up with a glimmer of hope in his eyes and she felt even worse asking this.

“Could you not… tell them? About…”

She looked at Emily.

“I know they’ll hate me, I just don’t want them to hate her, too.”

Austin nodded faintly, sparing one last glance to the both of them before walking away.

“How do you feel?”

Sue asked softly as she and Emily walked on the lake side, hand in hand.

“Wretchedly”

Sue stopped at once, looking at her in surprise.

“I just feel so bad about being this happy when everyone else isn’t”

Sue sighed in relief, smiling as she took Emily’s face in her hands.

“So you are happy?”

Emily grinned back at her.

“The happiest that I have ever been.”

Later that night, lying in bed with Emily as they faced each other, playing with each other’s fingers, Sue thought that was the happiest she had ever been, too.

“You’re being awfully quiet”

“Just committing this moment to memory”

Sue whispered, eyes transfixed on their hands moving together. Emily chuckled.

“What, are you afraid you’ll forget it?”

Sue’s eyes darted to Emily.

“No, I’m afraid you will”

“Oh, Sue. If the sun shall not rise tomorrow or the moon shall not set, I could not ever forget this. It’s everything I ever wanted.”

“Me too. I love you, Em.”

“I love you, too. My Sue.”

They drifted off to sleep shortly after, hands still intertwined.

Emily woke up slowly, hearing light movement next to her. She struggled to open her eyes fully and saw Sue already staring at her.

“What’s wrong?”

Emily’s voice immediately filled with worry as she stretched a hand out to delicately wipe Sue’s tears away. Sue just kept sniffling and starting at Emily.

“Nothing, it’s just… yesterday was so perfect. I don’t want to let it go yet.”

Emily smiled at her warmly, hand still on her cheek, her thumb caressing her soothingly.

“Today is going to be even more perfect. And the day after that, and the day after that. Now get up, you have to get ready.”

Sue almost smiled until that last sentence, which sent her panicking once more.

“Ready for what?”

“What do you think, silly?”

“My… wedding?”

Sue almost chocked out, horrified. Emily burst out laughing.

“Woah, woah, woah, ladykiller. I mean I know we’ve known each other for a while but we’ve technically been dating for less than 24 hours, I don’t think we’re quite there yet. Plus, you have to at least propose first. Not in a restaurant though. I couldn’t say it then, but public proposals? Major dick move if you ask m-“

Emily was cut off by Sue’s lips eagerly jumping on her. She smiled into the kiss, reciprocating it happily.

“Guys, you need to- okay, seriously? And you wished to keep this a secret? At least close the door”

Lavinia rolled her eyes.

“You could have knocked?”

“Whatever, the cars will be here in an hour, so pack everything up and there’s breakfast in the kitchen if you want it.”

“Is Austin…?”

Sue felt guilty even just mentioning him.

“He left earlier with Ship and the others. We’re all sharing a car and mother and father will leave last, to ‘make sure everything’s in order’”

She rolled her eyes, imitating her mother’s tone on that last sentence.

“One hour, okay? I mean it. No funny business.”

Lavinia motioned between her eyes and then them with her fingers in an ‘I’m watching you’ manner. Sue giggled as Emily just sighed dramatically.

Once Lavinia left, Sue turned to Emily with a mischievous grin.

“So… we’re dating, uh?”

“What?”

Emily looked like a deer caught in headlights.

“That’s what you said, earlier”

Sue kept smirking, Emily getting more and more panicked by the second.

“Oh. Yes. That. I mean, if you want to? You were talking about marriage just a couple minutes ago so I guess dating isn’t that crazy of an idea-“

Emily got caught off by a kiss. When Sue pulled back a few moments after, they both smiled happily.

“You talk too much”

“Maybe because I like the way you shut me up”

Sue raised her eyebrows at that and slowly leaned back in.

“I like it too.”