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About two weeks after Mr Stark gave him his own lab, Peter constructed a nest out of a hammock out of his webs.
It’s in the back corner above the shelves, the only corner of the room dark enough that if, when, Mr Stark comes in their lab, Peter won’t have to explain why there is a cluster of webs that haven’t yet dissolved. He made the formula accidentally, adding too much carbon tetrachloride, preventing the webs from drying out, stopping them from dissolving.
He hasn’t told Harley about the hammock. He’s not sure whether the older boy has noticed or not, but with most of Harley’s stuff being on the right side of the room, and Peter’s nest in the corner on the left side of the room, the chances are, he hasn’t.
He doesn’t go up into the nest often. Rarely, really. Sometimes he just gets the urge to float for a bit, and most of the time he will just create a similar hammock out in his bedroom, Queens or the tower, with webs that are just as strong but will dissolve after a few hours.
The one in the labs is exclusively for bad days.
He guesses that that is why so few people know about it. Leia knows about it, because the majority of the time he spends up there, she is right next to him. He’s pretty sure that Pepper knows, because she had definitely seen the one in his bedroom when she and May had a girls night in Queens, and she seems to know everything that’s going on in her tower. Sam knows, because he’s been acting as Peter’s therapist since the avengers found out about him and as such, Peter has told Sam about his bad day nest. May knows because he and May don’t have secrets.
They never have.
He tells May everything. He was the first person he told when he found out about Leia. The first person he told when he got bitten by the spider. She’s the only person he’s ever actually told about being Spider-Man.
Because they don’t have secrets, it’s not really an odd occurrence that when Peter has a bad day, he gets out of bed in the morning, sits across the table from her, and tells her that it’s a bad day. Along with the ‘no secrets’ pact they have going, comes the trust. Peter trusts May enough to tell her how he’s feeling, and May trusts Peter enough to tell her when he doesn’t think he could get through the day, when he needs a break. She never pushes him to explain. She trusts that he won’t take advantage of the system they have.
He never has.
That’s how this morning starts. They are sitting across from each other, empty coffee mug in front of May and still full one in front of Peter, when he meets her eyes and quietly admits that today isn’t a good day. Today, he’s drowning. May smiles softly at him and calls the school and lets them know that Peter won’t be coming in today.
“Do you want me to drop Leia off on my way to the hospital?” She asks, rubbing her thumb over Peter’s knuckles. “You could go and get a bit more sleep?” He stares blankly at his coffee mug for a few long moments before he blinks up at her.
“No,” He clears his throat a couple of times. “No, thank you. I think if I went back to bed, I wouldn’t get out again. I’ll take her, get out the house for a bit.”
“Okay, honey,” May murmurs, standing up and rinsing her mug in the sink. “I’m going to go and shower before I leave,”
“Okay,” he manages a small smile when she kisses the top of his head on her way past. He sits alone in silence for a few moments before glancing up at the clock.
It takes him more effort than he wants to admit to stand up and walk down the hallway to his daughter’s room. Her eyes are just beginning to open when he crouches down in front of her.
“Morning, Princess,” He wills a smile on his face as he forces the words out of his mouth. Leia reaches out for him with one of her small hands. He catches it and brings it to his face, kisses it, lips quirking when Leia giggles. “C’mon, baby. Time to get up,” They get through their morning routine at the same speed they normally do, but with Peter uncharacteristically quiet. Leia doesn’t seem to mind much, fills the silences with chatter about the dreams she had last night and what she’s going to do today and about Lucas at playgroup and how excited she is to see Sam tonight because Sam told her that he’d make muffins with her and-
Peter freezes.
It takes him a long time to connect the dots. Sam. He’s meant to be training tonight; it’s a Thursday and Happy’s meant to be picking him up from Midtown, and he’s meant to go and train and spar against super soldiers and spies and he feels like crying.
He hasn’t noticed that he’s stopped moving until someone touches him lightly on the shoulder. He frowns when he sees May, hadn’t heard the shower stop running. She doesn’t need to ask the question, it’s painted on her face.
“Thursday,” He barely manages to get the word out of his mouth. May’s face clears in understanding. She runs a thumb across his cheek.
“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart,” She comforts him softly, catching the tear that falls from his eye before it runs down his cheek. “They won’t mind you not being there, Peter. You need days to yourself, sometimes, everyone on that team knows that,”
“Don’t wanna let them down,” He mumbles. May sighs softly.
“Leia, honey, why don’t you go and find your shoes?” She suggests lightly, guiding Leia towards the living room. She turns back to Peter and pulls him into a hug. “You’re not letting anyone down, Peter,” She reassures gently once Leia has toddled out of the room.
“But-”
“No, honey,” She interrupts as softly as she speaks, a finger pressing lightly on his lips to quiet him. “You couldn’t let them down, even if you tried. You’re having a bad day. They’re not going to be disappointed because of that. What would Sam say about you thinking all this?”
“I should be proud that I noticed I’m having a bad day, and that it’s okay to need to rest,”
“Exactly.” May reassures. “They all have bad days, too, Peter. It doesn’t make you a bad person any more than it does them, and no-one is disappointed in you,” Just as she finishes talking, Leia comes back into the room. She’s found her shoes and managed to put them on herself. Peter’s lips quirk in amusement when he notices that they’re on the wrong feet.
“Good try, baby,” He picks her up and places her back onto her bed, before undoing the velcro on her shoes. “Just got them the wrong way round,”
“Oh.” The toddler frowns as she looks down at her shoes. “Oh, well,” She shrugs her shoulders and grins, pulling on her father’s hair slightly where he’s fixed her shoes. “Cap’n Crunch?”
“Yeah,” He mumbles, smiling up at her. He stands up, picking her up and spinning her around carefully. “If you want,”
“Morning, honey,” He is walking the long way home through the park after dropping Leia off at playgroup when Pepper calls him. He was tempted to just ignore the call, not in the mood to talk, but he also doesn’t want Pepper to worry about him. He learns that he doesn’t really have to be concerned about it when she keeps talking. “May told me you weren’t feeling too great?”
“Yeah,” His voice is rough with unfallen tears. He clears his throat and tries to keep talking, but nothing else comes out of his mouth. Pepper doesn’t bring it up.
“You know that the tower is always open for you,” She tells him. He can hear her heels clicking against the wooden floor of her office. “Tony and I are in meetings for most of the day, but you can come up and tinker in your lab. Or the others will probably be here all day if you want to spend some time with people.”
“I might…might come to the lab. If that’s okay?”
“Of course, sweetheart. I’ll sort picking Leia up for you, okay? You don’t worry about anything. Take a nap, tinker, blow something up. Take all the time you need, alright?”
“Thank you,” He mumbles. He hesitates a few moments before he speaks again. “Could you, maybe…”
“I won’t tell anyone you’re here, honey,” He loves that he doesn’t have to even verbalise what is concerning him for Pepper to catch on. He loves her so much. “You’ll have the space to yourself.”
“Thank you, Miss Potts,” He tries to fill his voice with how grateful he is, but he’s not sure his voice is anything but blank.
“You’re welcome, Peter. I hope you’re feeling better,” He can hear her smile through the phone before she ends the call.
He moves slowly across the town, knowing that if he gets to the tower before the meetings start, he might bump into Mr Stark. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see him, it’s that he doesn’t want Mr Stark to worry about him. He means the best, Peter knows, but sometimes when Peter has bad days, Mr Stark crowds him.
His phone rings twice by the time that he’s at the tower. He knows Harley won’t be too offended that he hasn’t answered.
When Peter steps into the private lift at the back of the tower, it’s not FRIDAY’s voice that greets him.
“Good morning, Peter,” He lets out a sigh when he hears Karen’s soothing voice come through the speakers. “Pepper has told me you are having a bad day. Would you like to talk about it?” He shakes his head slightly, closes his eyes and leans against the side of the lift. “Okay, Peter. Where would you like to go?”
“Lab, please,” The lift starts moving without Karen replying. The journey up to his lab is quick, quiet. The lab is the same when he steps into it, lights turned down, no music playing, no beeping of machines. He lets out another breath.
He spends about an hour messing with scraps of metal, trying to create something, anything. Nothing seems to work; his brain just won’t get on track and his hands are shaking just a little too much to successfully do anything worthwhile. He keeps trying, trying to keep busy, until he clenches a hand too much and the piece of metal in his hand gives way and just snaps.
Later, when he’s more conscious, he’ll be proud of himself for keeping the tears in.
“Honestly, fuck this,” He mumbles. He throws the metal into a bin across the room, holds his head in his hands for a few moments before he stands up and kicks his shoes off, not caring where they land. He’s grateful for past him for having the good judgment to not just throw on his jeans this morning so he doesn’t have to go and get changed into something softer.
He’s taken over most of Karen’s programming from Mr Stark and has been able to code his own protocols. This means he doesn’t have to say anything to her, but when he starts crawling into his nest, the lights turn off completely, every noise that could be heard stops, and the doors lock. He grabs the blanket off the top of the shelves, lays on the hammock, and buries himself.
Leia is still half asleep on Harley’s hip when the lift door opens into the common area. Everyone in the room looks up at the sound, smiling when they see the sleepy toddler. Tony comes over to them, a slightly confused look on his face. Leia gives him a small wave.
“Good afternoon, little miss,” He smiles, returning her wave. “You lose Pete on your way up?” Harley’s smile drops and he looks around the room.
“I thought he was here?” He asks. Everyone in the room frowns or shakes their head at him. “He wasn’t at school today. Pepper asked me to pick Leia up,” The woman in question chooses that moment to walk into the room from the kitchen.
“Oh, hello, honey,” She gives both Leia and Harley a kiss on the head.
“Did you know Peter wasn’t at school today?” Tony asks her. He raises an eyebrow when she hums. “Why?”
“He’s having a bad day,” She explains. “May called me this morning. He’s been in the lab most of the day,”
“Why didn’t I know this, FRIDAY?” Tony’s eyebrows furrow as he looks at one of the sensors in the room.
“It appears that my authority over Mr Parker was transferred to Karen for today. I was unaware that he was in the building, boss,” The AI responds.
“He didn’t want you to worry,” Pepper tells him when he turns back to her. “And he didn’t say it, but I think he thought if you knew he was here you’d…mother him,” The others in the room laugh when Tony starts to splutter.
“I don’t mother him!” He defended. “Excuse me for caring about the kid,” Pepper laughs as lifts Leia out of Harley’s arms.
“Let’s take you to daddy, huh? See if we can cheer him up a bit,” Just as she starts to move over to the lift, Sam stands up.
“I can take her,” He offers, smiling. “See if he wants to talk about it,” Pepper smiles as she hands Leia over. He smiles when the child buries her face into his neck. “He’s in his lab?”
“Yeah,” Pepper smiles. “I think he’ll be…” She points upwards. He nods in understanding, before stepping into the now open lift.
“Come on, then, bug,” He says to Leia. “Let’s go and find webs,”
Leia wakes up a bit more on their way down to lab, and by the time they’re at the door, she’s talking excitedly about the muffins he said he’d make with her tonight. He knows the door won’t open when she pushes it, but he lets Leia try anyway. He laughs when she frowns, pushing all her weight against the door. She takes to just banging a fist against it until the lock clicks, and Sam pushes the door open.
Peter wakes up when he hears footsteps outside the door to the lab. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, doesn’t know what time it is. He stays still, not that he could be seen anyway, but he knows that if it is Steve or Bucky outside the lab, they would hear any movement that he makes. He shuffles slightly when Karen speaks.
“Peter, Leia and Sam are at the door. Would you like to grant them entry?” He puts all the energy he can muster into nodding, knowing Karen will see it. It’s only a few moments later when Leia’s head appears. She reaches out for her father, grabbing his hand when he brings it close enough to her. She climbs under the blanket, burying herself in his chest. When she’s settled, she smiles up at him.
“Hi, Daddy,” Her face doesn’t change from the happy expression when Peter only mouths words back to her, no sound coming out of his mouth. Sam pulls a chair over from one of the workstations and stands on it, coming up to eye level with the teen.
“How are you doing, kid?” He asks as he reaches on top of the shelves and brings down a box filled with snacks and drinks for Leia. He picks out a bottle of apple juice and a packet of mini cookies and hands them over to her. He frowns when Peter shrugs. “You wanna talk about it?” Peter doesn’t reply verbally, but Sam notices him bringing his hands out from under the blankets. Both his hands are clenched, the pointer finger and middle finger forming a bent ‘V’ shape. His right hand comes down towards his stationary left one. “Hard? Hard to explain?” Sam asks. Peter shakes his head once. “Hard to talk? That’s okay. You want anything? Food? Water?” Peter shakes his head again, eyes shutting. Sam laughs softly. “You wanna be left alone?” Sam pats his arm when Peter nods before stepping down off the chair. He rolls it back over to the work bench and makes it over to the door before he pauses. “If you need anything, get Karen to get FRIDAY to tell me, yeah? You too, Leia,” Both the teen and the child nod their heads, Leia looking up and grinning at him. She waves a hand at him, bag of cookies grasped in it tightly.
“Bye bye, Mr Sam!” She calls out. Sam laughs and sends her a smile.
“Bye, Miss Leia.” When the door shuts behind him, Karen locks the lab again. Leia shuffles around a bit, before peering up at Peter.
“Can we watch Elmo?” When Peter nods, Karen projects the show onto the wall across from them. He wraps his arms around Leia and rolls them so they’re both on their sides looking at the projection. He doesn’t fall asleep again, just watches with Leia, listening to her talk about the characters and the stories.
They’re interrupted tenderly by Karen a few hours later. “Pepper would like to let you know that there is food being served if you want any. If you don’t feel like eating right now, she will put some aside for both of you.” Peter turns his head down towards Leia.
“Hungry?” His voice is rough from hours of disuse, but Leia still hears him.
“Lil bit, Daddy,” She replies. Peter kisses the top of her head before he wraps his arms around her. She holds onto his tightly as he climbs down from the nest. He puts her down when his feet are firmly on the floor but keeps hold of her hand. They walk together to the lift, Leia continuing her chatter about Elmo, before she stops suddenly and pulls on his hand. He looks down at her in concern, frowning when she pulls her hand away and runs back over to the shelves. Her little backpack has been placed on the floor, and she begins routing through it. She’s back at Peter’s side a minute later, holding her teddy up to him.
“Bearbear will look after you, Daddy,” She says, closing Peter’s fingers around the bear. The teen blinks a few times, before bending down and tugging Leia into a tight hug. A few tears fall down his cheek. “Daddy?”
“Thank you. I love you,” He mumbles into her hair. “So much,”
“I love you, too, Daddy,” She replies, wrapping her arms around his neck and bringing her legs up. He stands up, arms still clasped tight around his daughter, and steps into the lift. Karen doesn’t need to be told before she’s closing the doors and taking them up to the others.
Everyone is waiting for them when they step out of the lift. There are two seats sitting empty, between Tony and Harley. He tries to put Leia down into one of the seats, the one with the booster chair on it, but she just hangs onto her father. There’s scattered laughter around the table when he doesn’t hesitate to sit down with her in his lap.
“How’re you doing, kid?” Tony asks, handing the plate that Pepper passes across to him to Peter. The teen shrugs one shoulder, smiling tightly.
“A little better, I guess,” He says. He doesn’t elaborate further than that and no-one expects him to. They just move onto their own conversations.
“Not up to eating?” Pepper asks quietly, concern evident in her voice when she sees Peter half-heartedly pushing his food around his plate. He shrugs again.
“Probably for the best,” Clint says from Pepper’s side, clearly having heard the conversation. “Steve cooked tonight.” He laughs loudly when Peter immediately pushes Leia’s plate away from her. Pepper glares at Clint as she returns the plate to the pouting toddler, ignoring the others laughing and Steve’s frown.
“Ignore him, Peter. Bucky and Sam cooked,” She smiles. Leia smiles, holding her fork out to Peter with a piece of potato on it, holding it in front of his mouth. She doesn’t move her hand until Peter takes the food into his mouth. When he swallows, he kisses the top of her head, and she grins up at him.
They carry on, the others each going back to their own conversations, leaving Leia and Peter to themselves. Leia keeps feeding Peter odd bites of her food, refusing to take the fork back until he’s taken a bite. He doesn’t notice his phone vibrating where it is on the table until Harley gently kicks his ankle, nodding his head towards it. Peter is tempted to ignore it until he sees May’s face on the screen. He glances up at Tony, waiting for the nod of agreement before he lifts Leia off his knee and puts her onto the chair next to him before leaving the room.
“Hi, sweetheart,” May’s voice comes through the phone. “How are you feeling?” He takes a moment to think.
“Yeah,” He says, smiling slightly. “Yeah, better, I think. Still not…good. But…”
“But better’s better, isn’t it,” He can hear her smiling through the phone. “I know you usually stay at the tower on Thursdays and Tony’s claimed you for this weekend, but I just called to check what you were thinking? They’ve asked if I can work later but if you’re going back to Queens I can always say no to the shift,”
“I think Sam promised to do some baking with Leia, so I think we might stay?” Peter phrases it like a question. He always feels slightly guilty when he stays at the tower, knowing that he’s leaving May alone. It makes him feel worse when she works late, thinking about how she’ll be going home to an empty, cold apartment.
“Okay, sweetheart,” May says. He can hear the sounds of the hospital in the background. “Let me know if you need anything, and stay safe,”
“Of course,” Peter replies. “I love you,”
“I love you too, baby,” Someone calls May’s name in the background, and his aunt sighs heavily. “I’ve got to go, but you know I’m always here,”
“Yeah, May. Thank you,”
“Goodnight, sweetheart,” May says before ending the call. Peter takes a moment to just breathe properly for the first time today. He sits down, leaning against the wall, and closes his eyes, letting himself feel his lungs filling.
He hears the other person coming into the hallway before he feels them sitting down next to him. He cracks one eye open, the smallest amount.
“Hey, man,”
“You look a bit more alive than you did before, short-stuff,” Sam says, bumping Peter’s shoulder gently. Peter laughs lightly.
“Yeah. I’m feeling better. Just a bad day, you know?” Sam hums softly.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“Dunno,” Peter frowns. “I just woke up and felt, you know…empty?”
“You think something triggered it? A nightmare, maybe? Something that happened on patrol?”
“I don’t think I had one last night. And patrol was pretty boring. Few robberies. Couple of women being mugged. Nothing too bad. I think it was just one of those days, you know?”
“I get you.” Sam nods. They sit quietly for a few moments, before Sam speaks up again when he hears Leia giggling. “You wanna help us with the muffins?” He asks, standing up. He holds his hand out to help Peter up. He smiles brightly when Peter takes it.