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“Don’t be ridiculous, Franklin, I read the files. The Doctor is a man.”
“I’ve had an upgrade. Hi!”
“That’s not the proper way for a lady to act.”
“Why are you calling me madame?”
“Because you’re a woman…”
“Am I?!”
“You don’t dress like a woman.”
“A woman could never be the general.”
“Women, you talk too much.”
“Even the wee lassie?”
“Even me.”
“You’re just a woman, you don’t know what you’re doing here.”
The Doctor sighed as she sat down in the doorway of the TARDIS, swinging her legs out into empty space and staring out at the view in front of her. Next to her was a small mountain of custard creams to munch her way through as well as a large flask of tea. Her last self used to drink it out of a mug, but this self was much more excitable and she waved her hands around too often. When she had knocked over one mug too many, Graham had bought her the flask. It was covered in rainbow stars and she loved it. But it made her miss the boys. Things had been very different since the boys had left, in more ways than one. Much the same as things had been different since she had regenerated, even more so that usual.
The Doctor tried to push those thoughts away, they had been occupying her head far too much lately for her liking, and she focused on the swirling colours in front of her. Yaz had gone to bed … some hours ago and the Doctor had parked them in front of the Bineri nebula, it was a gorgeous compilation of blues and greens and purples against an inky indigo emptiness. It was soothing.
But, the Doctor still couldn’t help but miss the boys. She and Yaz had paid a visit to the planet of Novest today, but the Doctor had messed up the temporal regulation slightly and landed them about an Earth century earlier than she had been planning, and needless to say, it hadn’t gone well. In the time period that they had landed, women were treated horrifically. The whole day they had been consistently told that they couldn’t do things, couldn’t go places, and as a result the day had been downright miserable. And the Doctor felt awful about it.
True, she had been in much more dangerous situations thanks to being a woman now, her run in with Becka Savage and being accused of witchcraft springing to mind, but this one had really stung for some reason. She was aware that ever since she had broken out of space jail and the boys had decided to move on from their time in the TARDIS, she hadn’t been the same Doctor that Yaz had presumed dead ten months ago. Well, it had been ten months for Yaz, but it had been decades and decades for her. And that was where the Doctor thought the majority of the problem lay; the fact that their time apart had been so contrasting it was almost violently so, in more ways than one. But the Doctor knew that she was even worse at opening up than she was before, and that was something that she desperately needed to work on. She resolved to do that at the next good opportunity she got, whenever that may be. There was definitely something playing on her mind that Yaz might actually be able to help with.
Now that she had reasoned with herself a little, the Doctor found it a little easier to empty her head of those intrusive thoughts. Tucking one leg up to her chest and resting her chin on her knee, she left the other dangling into the nothingness and stared at the swirling colours as she munched her way through her biscuits and sipped her flask of tea.
The Doctor wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there when the TARDIS pinged softly behind her, and she smiled to herself. That ping was to let her know that someone was nearing the room she was in. Her ship hadn’t done that before, it was something she had started doing since the Doctor had come back from prison, without the Time Lord even having to ask. She liked having that extra little bit of warning now, after so long without socialisation, those extra few moments to prepare herself where a lifeline. The TARDIS had even customised the tone of each ping to each new person that boarded the ship, which admittedly hadn’t been that many. Although it wasn’t really necessary now, as it was just her and Yaz, but the little personalised touch was still nice.
Sure enough, Yaz appeared beside her, dressed in joggers and a large jumper, huge cup of coffee in hand and sleepy eyes. The Doctor smiled at her as Yaz sat down, folding one leg under her and letting the other swing over the edge.
“Have you been sitting here all night, Doctor?” Yaz asked, taking a sip from her mug.
“It’s morning? Well, as close as you can get to morning on a time machine.”
“Yeah, I think so anyway,” Yaz chuckled, tucking her hair behind one ear. “The TARDIS woke me up and I feel pretty well rested, so I think it’s safe to say it’s morning. Actually, she was pretty insistent about leading me to you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Light trails, concerned bonking noises, the whole lot,” Yaz said, a gentle smile on her face as she looked to the Doctor next to her.
The Doctor herself sighed softly, and patted the wood of the doorframe appreciatively.
“She’s smart,” she said quietly, mostly to herself but knowing that Yaz would hear too. This whole opening up thing was harder than she thought. Where should she even start?
“Did you want to talk about something, Doctor?” Yaz asked, taking another sip from her mug before setting it down behind her, out of the Doctor’s immediate vicinity so she at least had a chance of being able to drink the whole thing before it got spilled.
Ahh. That’s how she should start.
“Yeah.”
“Go ahead then, at your own pace. M’not going anywhere,” Yaz smiled, reaching up briefly to squeeze the Doctor’s shoulder before placing her hand back on the floor behind her.
The Doctor smiled at her before taking a very deep breath. She could do this, she could totally open up to Yaz.
“I’m sorry that yesterday’s trip kind of sucked,” she started out. “I feel guilty."
“Doctor, it’s fine, it’s not your fault the temporal calibrators or whatever they’re called messed up,” Yaz replied instantly.
“Regulators.”
“Right yeah, that’s the word. But it’s still not your fault that they landed us too early.”
The Doctor shook her head slowly, steeling herself to properly open up to Yaz.
“That’s not what I feel guilty about though.”
“No?”
No … I can’t help but think that, if I were still a man, we would have had a lot more fun. We wouldn’t have been constantly told no, simply for being women,” she revealed, starting resolutely out of the TARDIS doors and into the swirling colours.
“Oh,” Yaz sighed softly, and the Doctor nodded her head a little.
“Yeah.”
The Doctor was glad that Yaz let them sit in the silence for a little bit and taht she didn’t try to tell her how to feel, because she hated that. She had opened up just a little bit, and it had felt sort of like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, it helped. She wanted to open up more, but she wasn’t sure how to go about that. Thankfully, Yaz gave her that opening.
“Do you miss being a man?”
"I'm not really sure … I think I miss being perceived as a man." She said eventually, but Yaz just looked at her in confusion.
"Time Lords don't have a concept of gender. We never have. So I don't really think about it, I'm just me. And I think, when I appeared as a man to you lot, there was less emphasis put on it. But now that I appear as a woman, there's so much emphasis put on it. And it's just taking some getting used to, I guess," she explained, drumming her fingers atop her thighs.
"That's okay you know, Doc. I don't think of you any differently," Yaz smiled, reaching up to squeeze the Doctor’s shoulder again. The Doctor allowed herself a small smile at that, this body had never been good with physical contact but Yaz seemed to get it and it wasn't so bad.
"Thanks … I think - I think it's weird to actually be a woman too," she admitted, her face flushing.
"What do you mean?" Yaz asked gently, but the Doctor fidgeted uncomfortably on the floor. Thankfully, Yaz let her fidget and work out her embarrassment until she was ready to speak again.
"It’s weird, I've got more curves that before, I'm squishier in some places than I was. And I've - I've got a chest now," she mumbled, her cheeks flushing an even brighter pink in embarrassment.
“Does that bother you?” Yaz asked, and the Doctor nodded.
“Doctor, have you ever heard of binders?”
The Doctor looked up at Yaz with a frown, the line between her brows appearing deeper than it usually did.
“No.”
“They’re something you can wear to make your chest flatter, if you like. A lot of people on Earth wear them for lots of reasons. If you like, we can look into getting some for you,” Yaz smiled, and the Doctor looked up with a huge smile on her face.
“Really?”
“Yeah! I know there are some safety rules to wearing them, but we can look that up together and make sure we’re getting the right fit for you. It means you can have that option right there if you want it,” she explained. She was about to pick up her mug and drain the last of her coffee when the Doctor threw her arms around her in a suffocating hug, and Yaz squeaked in surprise before returning the embrace and wrapping her arms around the Doctor firmly.
“Yaz, you’re ‘mazin’,” the Doctor mumbled as she sat back, sniffing hard and then turning her head to grin at Yaz.
“S’nothing, Doctor. Just want you to be comfortable in your own skin. Is there anything else that would help, do you think?”
The Doctor tilted her head to one side as she thought, the little frown line between her brows appearing again, her nose scrunching up simultaneously.
“Actually, there is something else…”
“Yeah?”
“Could you … could you maybe use they and them pronouns for me as well as she and her sometimes? It’s not that I don’t like being a woman and being perceived as a woman, but I still feel like I don’t entirely fit into that category,” The Doctor rambled, and Yaz giggled.
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Doctor. Consider it done,” Yaz replied with a reassuring grin. She paused for a moment before she spoke again.
“This is the Doctor. They’re my best friend, and she takes me on some pretty amazing adventures.”
The Doctor grinned even wider at that, throwing their arms around Yaz again.
“Thanks Yaz, that sits better in my brains.”
“No problem, what best mates are for.”
A few days later, Yaz was leaning against the console, waiting for the Doctor to emerge ready for their outing of the day. A package had arrived at Yaz’s flat the day before and she had brought it up to the Doctor who, while extremely excited about the contents, was also uncharacteristically nervous.
Just as Yaz was about to go and check they were doing okay, they appeared in the doorway and bounded down the hexagonal steps to the console room, a certain spring back in their step.
“Feels good?” Yaz asked, pushing herself away from the console and standing up straighter.
“Feels great. Like my brain is less crowded too.” The Doctor replied.
“I’m glad. Now come on, we’ve got places to see.”