Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

VIOLET

Now, I know they are not movers, but I gave birth to four boys and nurtured them to become - among many other things - healthy and strong individuals who I can call upon to move furniture around the house a few times a year.

This is why I thought of Colin when I saw Penelope out in the yard, struggling with a box of clothes she and Eloise collected for the charity shop. You could not miss the yellow jumper and the flower clips pinning her vibrant red hair back. Mind you, the box was not insignificant - the 15-year old could probably climb in and take a comfortable nap in there.

Colin on the other hand, tall like his brothers. He was eating breakfast in the kitchen. I didn’t want to point out it was his second. I had to twist his arm so he’d spend the holidays with us instead of going to Mallorca with friends from university. I love my son and I am in awe of his passion to see the world but that does not mean I cannot insist he schedule his trips around holidays with our family.

“Would you put the toast down and help Penelope Featherington with the boxes dear? She’s your sister’s new friend from school. They’ve been working on the clothing drive for weeks.” I said. “I hope you added some of your clothes to the pile in the garage.”

Colin glanced out of the window. He didn’t even need to stretch his neck to see the view outside.

Penelope dragged the box across the front yard. She stopped after a few minutes and circled the box, no doubt looking for an easier way to get it to the car. She had yet to discover a woman’s innate ability to make a man think it was his idea to help, just by smiling at them. That’s perfectly fine - she and Eloise have some more growing up to do before I would feel comfortable about them using these feminine gifts of persuasion.

She turned to her right and quickly walked back to the garage. I wasn’t surprised when she returned with a dirty-looking carpet. I could hear Eloise yelling from her bedroom window upstairs, telling her friend to go ahead and use the rug.

I leaned closer to the window pane. Smart girl. Penelope shoved the box onto the rug and pulled on the rug instead, which looked easier to drag across grass.

I cleared my throat. “Obviously she’s managing perfectly but I do wish you’d make yourself useful Colin.” I turned to my son. “And be quicker about it too, those boxes aren’t going to carry themselves son.”

He snapped out of his thoughts. “Mum. Yes, of course.” He reached the front door within seconds and approached the petite redhead. They shook hands rather formally.

Penelope looked flushed - I am not sure if it was the box or Colin’s doing. She had to look up when speaking with him, her eyes squinting against the sun.

Moments later, Colin ran back to the house and reappeared with some shirts and jeans. He lifted the box without breaking a sweat. She rolled up the rug and hurried after him.

“Mum? Where’s Col?” Eloise popped into the kitchen.

I pointed outside. “Helping your friend with the boxes.”

“Oh good.” She smiled but it was replaced with a frown right away. “Oh no.” She saw my inquiring look. “She’s… she’s not like other girls. Colin’s going to freak her out. I don’t want him joking around with her and flirting.” Eloise said that last word with a face.

“She seems like she can handle your brother just fine Eloise.” When you’ve raised four teenagers, you learn that sometimes the best thing to do is take a step back. Unless they’re being thick of course.

GREGORY

Colin is home once every few months and if Mum lets out one of her long sighs often enough, he’ll even stay at our family home for three straight days.

He flies in from Dubai yesterday morning and I know he is a little bit jet lagged but he sits with us for breakfast anway and talks about taking me dune bashing in the desert after I graduate. Mum doesn’t look thrilled, but Colin gives me a secret smile. He also promises to watch the original Star Wars trilogy with me this evening and I act like it wasn’t a big deal because I don’t want him to think he’s being forced to babysit a high-school kid.

It’s just that Ant and Ben always talk about watching Star Wars with our father. Colin doesn’t remember anything, so I think we could make it our thing too. He agrees to the movie marathon, provided there are snacks, which is no problem. When Colin is home the pantry seems to be bursting with food, as if he would find another family to stay with if he found our supplies lacking.

The DVD is ready and he goes to the kitchen for the popcorn. Almost half an hour ago. I step out of the game room, wondering if he’d forgotten how to use a microwave after spending too much time in deserts and jungles. Trust me, he’s pretty cool for an old guy but Colin is also…. to quote my other brother, “a lovable idiot.”

Turns out he is just speaking with Penelope, who is visiting Eloise. The girls share a dorm at school and I don’t know what else they have left to talk about but it looks like they’re spending their school break together too. I can hardly remember a time when Penelope is not hanging out with one of us at home. Not that I mind her being here. She’s nice to me, which is more than what I can say for Frankie or Cyn. When I ask her questions about choosing universities or living off or on campus, Penelope always gives me a serious response.

If I tell her about maybe wanting to travel with Colin instead of going to school, I bet she would ask me why and listen to my idea. Daph is not going to like this plan, I’m sure. Anthony’s head is 100% going to explode if he hears of this.

I decide to leave Colin and Penelope alone to catch up. The movie can wait, but I don’t want him to eat all the popcorn because he can and he is very likely to finish it in minutes. He cradles the bowl in his arm while chatting with her by the stairs. She stands on the first step, back against the handrail. Where she stands, Penelope gains a few inches. He is still taller, although not by much this time. At least they could now see eye-to-eye. Ha!

Maybe he’s telling her about almost falling out of the jeep into the sand dunes in Dubai. He waves his hand in the air, getting a smile or a “No way!” from her.

Daph tells me there’s something here, like I’m supposed to understand what it means. She’s always on my case about girls and she’s going out with an old guy (she hates it when I say Basset is old but he is Ant’s age and Ant’s… he’s even older than Col) - but the point is maybe she knows what’s talking about.

Colin sees me waiting in the hallway so I point to the popcorn and he holds out the bowl to me. Penelope says hello. She’s the kind of person who always looks happy to see you. As I said, she’s pretty nice. She asks if I’d given any more thought to getting an undergraduate degree. I tell her I’m still thinking about it, because I don’t want to talk about it while my brother is there.

I get the bowl from him and he takes his phone out to show her photos he doesn’t post on online because he’d never hear the end of it from Ant, who doesn’t even understand what gifs are. Penelope looks over Colin’s shoulder as he swipes through a couple of images. As I walk back to the game room, he tells me he’ll return soon too.

The popcorn is gone by the time he’s back, but Colin doesn’t complain about it. He just falls back onto the couch and tells me to hit play.

FRANKIE

Anthony paid for my Paris trip, a graduation gift. And I am grateful of course, but did he have to send Colin along?

Colin said he’s never been to Paris. This was true. He’s been to Nice. He worked in a Bordeaux vineyard for a season. He studied in Lille for a four-month exchange programme. My brother could have gone to Paris whenever he felt like it but he chose to go with us.

Effectively this was no longer a girls’ trip.

Kate didn’t see a reason to protest. Eloise didn’t care. Penelope didn’t seem to have an opinion.

“Why are you here?” I glared at him. Openly.

St. Pancras was unusually quiet that morning. We’re waiting for the 9:30 Eurostar to Paris.

“Our brother thinks you might run away with a Parisian artist and I’m supposed to stop that from happening and uphold your honor. Something like that.” Colin grinned. He’d find something funny or interesting about most things.

I rolled my eyes at him. “Are we in the 1800s?”

Colin considered it. “If we go by the length of Ant’s sideburns, yes.”

“Oh it’s just a phase,” said Kate. “At least I hope it is.” She placed her palms together as if saying a prayer.

“If you’re the chaperone, what is he here for?” I asked my sister-in-law.

Colin snapped his finger. “Protect her honor. Ant’s exact words, I kid you not,” he told me.

Kate gave me an apologetic smile. “Sorry Frankie, he’s the chaperone. I’m here as one of the girls. And the keeper of the husband’s credit card.” She lowered her voice and muttered, “Or we make him think he’s the chaperone…”

I high-fived her and spotted a flash of red - Penelope, with Ellie right behind her. They both graduated last year and like me were also beneficiaries of our eldest sibling’s “Graduation Gift Extravaganza.” Years ago, Ben selected Italy for the renaissance masters. Colin - New Zealand, the farthest option. Daphne balanced that out by taking the nearest option, Bath.

I knew Ant also wanted to thank Penelope for helping Greg get into a university. For some time, Greg was seriously considering following Colin around the world. My mother didn’t want another wanderer in the family.

The train arrived on time. I led the girls to our seats. Eloise and I hoisted our bags on the overhead rack. I heard Penelope saying she can take care of her bag, but my brother already had her yellow suitcase in his other hand.

He lifted it over her head, sliding it next to our bags without stopping his spiel about picking grapes in Bordeaux. He was probably a foot taller than her. Penelope didn’t even have to duck her head to avoid getting slapped in the face with her own luggage. She mumbled thanks and took her seat in front of me.

Kate chose one of the window seats which is perfect. I wanted an aisle seat, where I had a good view of a guy across us. As soon as my brother moved out of the way. This guy seemed like the gorgeous, flirty type. Ellie and I even exchanged knowing looks when he took his seat moments ago.

I looked out of the window and tried not to watch Colin and Penelope. Even in the reflection her lush auburn locks popped against the navy blazer she wore over a plain white shirt and jeans. Our tastes in fashion were pretty similar. She complimented my Breton top and Doc Martens.

My brother continued his monologue about breaking his back harvesting grapes in Bordeaux. Penelope listened quietly. She nodded every few seconds. She usually looked at my brother with fascination. Today, Penelope wasn’t ignoring him, but she wasn’t speaking with him either. She was being polite.

Colin seemed intent on filling the silence. He’d lean toward Penelope’s seat to let people through now and then, one hand on the rack, his head resting on a flexed arm.

Now that display had me gagging. But Penelope’s civil, bland expression - that was quite intriguing.

Kate saw my reaction and chuckled. She typed something on her phone and showed it to me: “Don’t know why your brothers think women can’t see it’s posturing.” She wrote one more line: “When he has NO CLUE P’s calling the shots right now.”

We exchange amused looks.

“Go to your seat brother!” Eloise waved him off.

He checked his seat number and groaned because it’s on the other end of the coach. He shuffled off. Eloise cackled. She booked everybody’s seats.

Penelope and I got into a discussion about French pharmacies. I asked if it made sense to visit one right away or make that our last stop today. Kate was happy either way, as long as we added Le Marais to the list. Eloise insisted on visiting the Bibliothèque Sainte-Geneviève first.

Twenty minutes after departure, Colin returned with an apple and bottle of water for the lady sitting across the aisle. His French was embarrassing. The woman chuckled at his efforts and agreed to switch seats with him.

Then he started talking to the guy. “This is Pen, El, Kate, and that’s Frankenstein.” Colin turned to me. “This is Michael.”

When he looked at us I noticed his hazel eyes. Bright and friendly. He gave me a smile.

Everyone said hello to Colin’s new friend and my brother went back to ignoring us as he and Michael chatted about Glasgow. If Colin mentioned Bordeaux one more time I would lose it. Moments later, he stood and announced he needed a moment with Kate.

“Can I take your seat? I have to speak with Kate. About things. Please?” My brother asked.

He probably just wanted to sit closer to Penelope. Or maybe he was trying to be the cool big brother. Michael must think we’re all quite strange. I shrugged. Colin stepped aside so I could cross the aisle.

“I haven’t met a Frankenstein before,” Michael said as I settled into the seat.

I glanced at my brother. He resumed efforts to chat up Penelope. About Bordeaux!

I sighed and focused on my new seatmate. Colin remained in his seat for the rest of the journey.

Chapter Text

CYN

I got drunk at a uni party. I panicked and called Penelope because I didn’t want to be murdered by any of my siblings. Greg or Frankie would probably be less inclined to commit fratricide - but he was away in school and she was visiting a friend in Scotland.

I’ve been drunk before; I knew how to handle myself, but this was different. I felt very dizzy and faint which scared me because I went to the party alone. For an older boy. Trust me, as I was vomiting my insides out in the bathroom, I was far more disappointed in myself than anyone can ever be.

Penelope picked me up from the party. She inspected me quite thoroughly, checking my face and arms, as well as my clothes before agreeing to head out of the house without demanding to see an adult.

“Do you want me to call Violet or Daphne?” She was dressed in a wooly jumper and sweatpants. I just ruined a quiet Friday evening for her.

I burst out in tears instead of replying.

“Why don’t we hang out at my place and call -”

I shook my head vehemently and almost threw up again. I didn’t want any of my siblings to see me like this. All I thought of was getting away from that house as fast as possible.

She sighed. “Ok, ok, Cyn. Let’s go back to mine and we’ll figure out the rest later.” She smoothed my hair. “Can you walk?”

I nodded. We walked in silence until we reached a brightly lit corner. She booked an Uber and didn’t talk. I expected her to disapprove of my actions too, but at least Penelope wouldn’t strangle me. In a way that made me feel even more guilty.

“I did it for a stupid boy.” I only realised I’d spoken up because she looked up from her phone. “And he doesn’t even care I went to this party by myself, even though Mum said no, and I went anyway because he invited me, and you know, he ignored me the entire time…” I burst into tears again, and I didn’t even care that my mascara was everywhere by then. I couldn’t breathe and I was trying very hard not to get sick on the pavement.

Penelope rushed over and held my face in her hands. “Hey, you’re ok,” she whispered. Her warm hands felt soft and gentle.

“You don’t understand.” I shuddered. “I just want to… I want to disappear from the planet.”

She brushed the sweaty hair off my face. “Cyn, I know you think we’re all ancient, but I’m only 24. I was 17 not too long ago. I know what it’s like to feel… like people don’t see you...” Her voice trailed off because the Uber arrived.

I stole a glance at her as we sat in the car. Penelope hung out with my Ellie and my family a lot, so she probably didn’t have a lot of friends, but it was difficult to imagine her being invisible. She wasn’t loud, like me or El, or outgoing like Colin, but she was funny and sensible. Everyone wanted to sit next to her at dinners because she made us feel like we were interesting. I always thought she was happy to watch me rile up my brothers and sisters, and she’d chime in with an appropriate zinger sometimes.

I have seven older siblings who have introduced several girlfriends and boyfriends to the family, so I’ve met my fair share of strangers and I’ve learned how to read people. Penelope - she wasn’t quiet, she just wasn’t over the top, and I’m not convinced she’s as invisible as she thinks she is.

Back at her flat, she made me sit in the kitchen to drink water and eat crackers.

“I’m just going to throw it up.”

“Trust me, it’s better to have something in your stomach when you’re heaving and hugging the toilet seat like it’s your new best friend.” She slid the plate toward me and didn’t leave until I started eating. I waited for her to grill me but she didn’t. Instead, Penelope cleaned my face with a towel as I ate, and asked if I still felt dizzy. After a few minutes, she left the kitchen and I heard her moving around the flat.

“You can wash up later if you’d like. I left some clothes for you in the bathroom,” she said upon returning to the kitchen. “They’ll be baggy and short on you but I think you can make it work.”

I knew I should smile at her self-deprecating joke, but as I sobered up, I began to worry more about my family. “Don’t call Ellie please.” I grabbed her arm. “Promise me.”

She gestured to the crackers. “I promise, but only if you drink more water.”

Penelope stayed up with me until I finished eating, vomiting, washing up, almost vomiting, changing, vomiting, vomiting again, and finally, falling asleep on her bed.

I woke up to hushed voices outside the bedroom. Sunlight peeked through the drawn curtains. My head was pounding and I held my breath. I got out of bed and slowly approached the crack in the door.

“What was she even thinking?” It was Colin, pacing around the living room.

“Shhh, you’re going to wake her up, just let her sleep in,” Penelope told him.

I tiptoed to the door. My brother walked quickly around the room - with his long strides it only took him a few steps before he had to double back - while Penelope stood in the middle of the room.

“You should have called me,” he hissed.

“I did.” She kept her voice low but I sensed he was getting on her nerves.

“Not this morning! Last night.” He stopped in front of her. My brother was a giant among the low couches and small coffee table, but Penelope didn’t flinch. They were barely a foot apart and she had to tilt her head back if she didn’t want to be arguing with his chest.

“Well, last night I called Violet and told her Cyn was fine,” she retorted.

He crossed his arms. Colin towered over her. “That wasn’t your decision to make Pen.”

This was all my fault. Now she’s on the receiving end of my brother’s bad mood. She’d been present for all the birthdays I could remember so that comment felt undeserved. He really shouldn’t have said that.

“I may not be her sister but I’ve known Cyn since she was a little girl and she came to me. She called me.” She lifted her chin defiantly. “Not you, not Eloise, not Daphne. Me.”

I’d never seen her like this before.

“And frankly, I find your reaction to what happened to Cyn very disheartening because I thought you of all people would understand what it’s like to be a little reckless and to go off and do something on your own, without your family being on your back.” She wasn’t even yelling at him but something in her tone and posture made her appear taller.

I was hanging on to every word. I’m surprised they haven’t seen me yet because I was practically going to slide out the way I was pressed against the door.

He frowned at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means… it means she made a mistake but you’re acting like she’s throwing away her life.”

“It was a college party! Cyn - she’s just a girl,” he said with a shake of his head.

Penelope’s mouth dropped. “Excuse me?” Honestly, she sounded even more offended than I was.

Colin groaned, realising what he just said. He seemed to shrink. “I didn’t mean it like that, it’s not that she’s a girl-” He gave up talking and placed a hand on his head like he wanted to pull his hair out.

Penelope didn’t give him a way out. She just stood there, waiting for him to dig himself into a deeper hole.

Colin, just shut up brother.

“I just-” he cleared his throat. “She’s my baby sister. Something very wrong could have happened.”

“You don’t think I nearly turned her inside out to check that she didn’t have a scratch on her? You don’t think I nearly called the police on that party?” The finger she held up could probably pierce through a wall. “And yes, an asshole could have hurt her. But guess what Colin, that would not have been Cyn’s fault.”

At that point I wondered if I should maybe step in and save my brother from Penelope’s jabby finger and ire.

“I know,” he mumbled.

After a short pause, she exhaled. “Colin, your sister, she’s smart. She didn’t feel well and her first instinct is to call one of us. She’s sorry and she knows it was a very bad mistake. I called you so maybe you can let her know her family loves her, but if she ever does that again, you’ll-”

“Make her wear a chastity belt.”

She threw her hands in the air. “Colin!”

“It was a joke!” My brother could diffuse any situation, even with an absurd quip.

I guess they were done with keeping quiet and trying not to wake me up.

“Well enough with the sexist remarks please.” Penelope’s shoulders relaxed. “Do you want to join me for breakfast instead so Cyn can sleep some more?”

I shuffled back to the bed. I let the muffled sounds of Colin and Penelope making breakfast put me back to sleep.

ANT

No one cared about Penelope’s - let’s call it a misplaced fascination on Colin, because I speak for my entire family when I say we don’t see the appeal. (Mother might say otherwise, as a parent you’re obliged to say all your children are special, but she cannot possibly claim Colin is not an idiot.)

Only someone who’s known him forever will truly understand.

I digress. Penelope won our hearts from the day she took the blame for Eloise’s strongly worded anonymous missive equating their school’s uniform policy to the suppression of human rights in high conflict areas around the world. (And that is a direct quote from the letter.) It was Eloise’s second warning and she would have been kicked out if Penelope didn’t claim the letter was from her. Since then, I always thought of her as Little Penelope With The Big Heart.

Colin I think of as A Grown Man With A 13-Year Old’s Brain.

The idea that Penelope thought my brother was cute? Sweet. If anything it endeared her more to us. Seven or eight years ago my siblings and I would give Colin a hard time because someone (Ben) noticed the way Colin tilts his head lower when he speaks with Penelope.

“Like that bloke on the bake-off show when he checks the sponge cake,” Ben explained.

“Paul Hollywood?’ Ellie’s face told us how ludicrous she found the topic.

“How’s that even a funny thing?” Colin asked.

“And I’m sorry, is my best friend supposed to be a bundt cake in this pathetic analogy?” Ellie shook her head at us. We’ve all learned a long time ago it’s best to let her speak in situations like this.

I didn’t want to be crass by pointing out how Colin gazes at cake - or most food really - sometimes.

“Because I’m taller than you and I don’t do it when I talk to her.” Ben replied with a silly grin.

Back to my point. Having said all of that - nobody really gave Penelope’s crush a second thought. She always saved Colin the last pastry; she laughed at his pitiful attempts at humour; she listened again and again to his story about some random thing he did in whatever country he visited ages ago.

Then, out of the blue, she took Colin off the pedestal and treated him like an ordinary human being. No more treats for him - when the eclairs were gone, she’ll come back to the room with an extra piece and give it to Greg or Cyn. She’s mastered a deadpan expression when he’s around. And when he started telling another tale from his travels - everyone fanned out of the dining room, led by a tiny lady with distinct red hair.

And that my friends is how you get the attention of this family. Suddenly, we were obsessed by Penelope’s general lack of fascination for Colin.

My wife said she noticed it three years ago, when she went with Penelope, Ellie and Franks to Paris for a few days. I wasn’t there (I asked Colin to accompany the girls but he turned out to be a useless chaperone) but I defer to my wife’s good judgement. Apparently, somewhere in the English channel tunnel, between Britain and Europe, Penelope Featherington began showing signs of Colin fatigue.

Most fascinating. Not even being sarcastic here.

Maybe she got tired of waiting for him. Maybe she’s moved on. Maybe she thought men his age (30) who didn’t have a permanent address (“Anthony’s pullout bed” is not recognised by Amazon as a residential address) cannot be trusted. Whatever it was, for some time now we’ve noticed the extra care and attention each family member received from Penelope, save Colin who she treated like an acquaintance. From primary school.

It didn’t appear as if he noticed the change. Or if he did, it didn’t affect him much. Colin continued to be… Colin. He’d invite her to group activities. He’d take the seat next to her at parties so our Mother would stop asking him to mingle. He’d pester her to read drafts of his articles, because many years ago he read her English lit paper on “romantic tropes to avoid” and claimed hers was the only opinion he respected when it comes to his writing (not mine, not his editor’s, not Kazuo Ishiguro’s - I’m not much of a reader but even I found this verging on impertinent, I mean Colin’s got a signed copy of Never Let Me Go at home).

Now where was I going with this? Right. That Saturday.

Once in a while, my brothers and I gather around our local. Sometimes it's to put the fear of God into Simon (he’s earned brother-in-law status but it’s my job to remind him Daphne’s got four brothers), sometimes it’s to lure Ben to the city, sometimes it’s just because Colin’s in town. That Saturday, our little Greggy is home from school, and according to the rumour mill (Cyn), he’s currently dealing with girl trouble.

Later that evening Ellie and Penelope dropped by the pub on their way home from a party. Eloise explained they left the event early for lack of interesting guests. The girls waved at everyone around the table but they kept to themselves and hung out by the pool table instead.

Sometime later, it was Colin’s round and he left the table to order pints for everyone except Simon, who started to drink less since his wedding. I’m not yet sure if I’m pleased as her brother or annoyed as his friend.

Instead of heading to the bar, Colin took a side trip to the pool table, where Ellie started a game of 8 Ball with a couple of guys. I wasn’t not worried because they’re locals. They were aware Ellie has brothers. (Though I doubted they knew she was better than all of us combined at pool games.)

“Brother, are you forgetting something?” I called out to Colin.

As predicted, the irritation I tried to convey flew over his head because while he nodded at me, Colin remained standing next to Penelope who’d assumed the role of Ellie’s cheerleader.

Ben sighed. “Is he going to be doing the whole thing again?” He tapped Greg on the shoulder rather roughly. “It’s your round Greg.”

Our youngest brother moaned but he didn’t complain. Greg left to order our drinks and do the job Colin failed to complete. It might sound odd to you but when I see my siblings interacting like this, it made me feel like I was back home with everyone.

“What’s Colin doing exactly?” Simon asked.

Ben chuckled. “He’s going to stand there until he gets a laugh out of Penelope because she didn’t faint or notice his pretty eyes when she said hello to us earlier.”

Colin stood behind her and dipped his head to hers as they spoke. Penelope nodded but kept her eyes on the table. She didn’t look annoyed but she didn’t look over the moon either.

“Are we saying Colin likes her?” Simon turned to the pool table. Colin finally got Penelope’s attention by showing her something on his phone. He peered over her shoulder as she swiped through photos. “Hang on, she used to like him years ago didn’t she? Daphne told me there is something here. Or was here.”

“We need to get you on the family group chat Simon,” Greg remarked as he returned with our pints.

“‘Like’ feels very reductive but yes,” Ben replied. He reached for a glass. He didn’t bother to specify which person liked whom.

“They make a fine couple if you ask me,” Simon declared. “In case parliament’s voting on it.”

By then we were all staring at them. Ellie, who must have gotten bored with winning (imagine being that good), noticed us. She realised what was happening and glared at our table. Ellie shooed us off with the back of her hand.

Over an hour later, Colin and I walked back to my house. “Don’t mention we ran into the girls earlier. I don’t want Kate to feel bad she missed hanging out with them.”

“Sure.”

I eyed him. “Are you?”

He held his arms out as if accepting a large package or a hug. “Out with it Ant. You’ve been giving me that look all bloody night.”

“What was that with you and Penelope at the pub?”

“Is this about protecting the sanctity of Bros Night Out?” Colin asked.

“What do you think?”

He sighed and then scratched his head. “I asked her what she thought about my latest piece in The Guardian.”

“On a weekend evening at the pub, you ask her about work?”

Colin paused as if he hadn’t considered that. I was sure he had not considered that. “If I ask her about the articles, I get a better response than say… talking about... I don’t know. Her weekend plans.” He shuffled his feet and then stopped walking. “I could swear there was a time she found me funny. I’m not crazy right? That happened?”

“Hmmm.” Maybe if I keep quiet he’ll figure this out by himself.

“And suddenly one day it’s like I’m the most boring person to her. And it’s been that way for a long time now. It’s almost starting to feel like it’s always been that way. I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right,” Colin said, scanning the street like he could find the answer there.

“You feeling miserable because someone isn’t laughing at your jokes sounds a tad egotistical Colin.”

“Believe me, I know how fucking terrible that sounds Ant.” He didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands.

“Why doesn’t it matter what she thinks anyway?” I paused. “Do you like her?”

“Yes.” Colin replied without pausing or blinking.

The answer didn’t surprise me as much as the simplicity of his response. Like it should have been obvious to everyone all along (everyone but him, apparently).

“Since when?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I suppose I always liked her and I just couldn’t see it right away.”

“Until she moved on?”

He raised a brow. “Do you think she’s moved on?” The thought agonised him.

Did I ever mention my brother was an idiot? I placed a hand on his shoulder. “Do you remember yelling at Ben and I about never marrying Penelope? Must have been three or four years back?” I don’t even remember what Penelope was doing at our house that afternoon but she was there and she entered the dining room the same time as Colin’s outburst.

The color from Colin’s face faded. He put a hand over his gaped mouth. “Fuck.” Colin started walking around in circles, repeating the expletive under his breath.

“Mate, you’re going to give me a headache.”

“I didn’t even mean it that way - you and Ben were putting words in my mouth and I just wanted you to shut up!” He threw his hands up in despair. “God I’m such an idiot!” Colin clenched his fists. “I knew she liked me, and it was nice to be liked by someone like her who’s just you know, she’s real, and she’s sweet. And perceptive. Oh god, she’s brilliant.” He was telling as much as he was reminding himself.

“It’s like she doesn’t waste words on nonsense, but when she speaks up I get blown away. When she laughs at something I’ve said, it’s almost like I’m actually a witty person.” His shoulders sagged. “But all those years I thought, she’s just my little sister’s friend and of course only an idiot like me would come to the conclusion that I fancied her after I announce to the world I’d never marry her.”

“Yeah that’s a pretty good summary if you ask me.” I mean, it was.

“Oh do shut up Ant.” Colin turns around (I think he planned on walking back to the bar) but I grab him by the shoulders and steer him back to the direction of my house.

“Listen. You asked me if I thought she moved on from you.” I looked my brother in the eye. “It didn’t seem like that mattered when you were chatting her up back there instead of getting our beer.” He rolled his eyes at me like a teenager. “Maybe it just means you’re going to have to work a little bit harder for it.”

“What if I ask her out to dinner?”

I thought about Kate at home, pregnant with our third child, our daughter. I already knew no person would ever be good enough for my girl. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try and work for it every day of their lives.

“I think what you meant to say is that you’ll come up with a really good plan, one with lots of good ideas, spread out over a period of time - a long period of time - and you’ll consider running it by Ellie too.”

He scowled at the mention of our younger sister’s name. “I don’t really see myself taking direction from one Eloise Bridgerton.”

“Is Penelope worth it?”

Colin’s frustrated expression vanished. “Without a doubt.” He smiled. “I guess I’m going to have to be Ellie’s new favourite brother now.”

I patted his back. “Shouldn’t be too difficult then brother.”

DAPH

Didn’t I call it years ago? I told anyone who’d listen - there’s something here. Everyone else didn’t think much of it the first time I brought it up, because as our distinguished elders Ant and Ben didn’t have time for youthful follies, and Frankie, Greg, and Cyn, well, they were too young to see what was going on anyway. Elllie, as the best friend, refused to even talk about it.

Whereas I was a proud romantic and I knew from the first time that Colin nearly made Penelope choke on a bite of strawberry tart because of his jokes - there was definitely something here.

It wasn’t just that she was an 18-year old lovestruck uni girl and he was a 23-year old backpacker who brought her back trinkets from around the world.

It was the way he instantly recalled hilarious anecdotes when she asked about his trips, when most of the time the rest of the family would get an “It was alright, I got sunburned again!”

Simon said I’m the type to find something romantic between two twigs, and I’d take the opportunity to remind him that he cried at our wedding twice - once during the ceremony and then at the reception dinner.

Now years later, we found ourselves in Colin’s new home, celebrating Penelope’s 26th birthday. He insisted on hosting his girlfriend’s party here.

I know. Me too!

I assume it’s partly to show our family how independent he was since moving out of Ant’s extra bedroom almost a year ago and mainly to prove to Penelope how committed he is to her. We all looked forward to the event anyway. We haven’t seen much of the couple since they started dating a few months ago and as much as we wanted to respect their privacy, we also missed giving them grief about their relationship.

The first floor had an open space layout. From the living room you can see what is happening in the dining area, kitchen, and through to the backyard where most of the men were admiring a barbecue grill. You could tell it was Colin’s place, by the Maasai blanket folded neatly on the couch and the Turkish rug in the dining room, that brought color to an otherwise very grey and monochromatic home.

How in the world has he kept the entire place this clean? When he stayed with me for a few days I had to remind him to keep the room tidy! “I just can’t believe you’ve lived here for a few months and it’s still immaculate!” I said when he gave me and my little ones a tour of the house earlier.

“Give me time to wreck it.” He winced as Amelia tugged his hair. “Ames, why do you laugh when I say oooowwww!” He tickled the toddler in his arms.

I smiled at the two of them. Colin’s timeline may have been slightly different from most of us but I’m absolutely positive he’ll make a wonderful father. “Where’s the office?”

“Over here.” He led us to a smaller room upstairs. His writing desk faced the window and books lined the walls from floor to ceiling. Every inch that didn’t have a book or stack of paper had a framed picture. He had a photo of Penelope mid-laugh on his desk. It was a little blurry and Penelope wasn’t even in the middle of the shot but I understood why it was his favorite. He lived to make her laugh, and that’s been the case even before he knew why he liked telling her jokes.

“Where’s this from?” I pointed to a photo of him and Penelope on the wall. She wore a chic navy blue maillot swimsuit under an oversized white linen shirt - probably his, as Colin only had a pair of swim shorts and a lazy grin on in the picture.

“Greece,” he said, staring at the image and being transported back to that holiday. “I don’t know why I ever thought travelling by myself was any fun.”

I continued to rock Belninda in my arms as I looked around the room. I spotted a few of our family photos, one from when we were kids, the year I thought bangs were a good idea, and a more recent one with the grandchildren. “We should take a big group photo once everyone arrives,” I suggested as I handed him the framed picture. “This one might need to be updated soon. I hope.” Was he even thinking about the next step at this point?

He studied the picture. “If my lucky streak continues.”

“It’s not just luck Col. She has her reasons for choosing you too. Even after all that’s happened in this most confusing decade between you two.” I saw my eldest daughter pulling books out of shelves but Colin didn’t care. “You just make sure you remind her everyday that she made a fantastic choice.”

“Consider it done.” He almost appeared bashful.

A hefty thud, followed by a gleeful squeal, disrupted our nice brother-sister moment.

“We should probably go back downstairs before Penelope suspects I’m giving you pointers,” I said. Colin chuckled and scooted down to pick Amelia up.

My mother arrived not long after with Greg and Cyn in tow. Soon, the house filled with family and friends invited to the afternoon barbecue.

I sat with Mum and Ellie in the living room after Simon offered to show Amelia a shiny silver block of metal that cooks meat in the backyard. Upon seeing us, Mum insisted on carrying Belinda so I can rest my arms.

“Do you think he’s going to ask her to move in?” My mother asked us.

“I hope not. I hardly see her as it is,” my sister replied. She caught my pointed look and gave me a reassuring smile. “Oh you know I’m kidding!” She gestured to Colin and Penelope, who were chatting with her sister Felicity in the kitchen. “Who wouldn’t want to be around...that all the time?”

Colin held Penelope’s ponytail up as she put on an apron. Then, he let go of her hair gently to help her tie the apron around the back. Before Penelope could say a word, he hopped over to one of the drawers to get a small bowl and handed it to her. What was my brother doing? Don’t get me wrong, I’m so amazed he’s treating her well, but “attentive” was not a word I’ve used to describe my brother before. He didn’t even stop talking to Felicity the entire time, it just seemed like he knew what Penelope needed before she had to tell him.

My brother returned to his spot behind Penelope and absent-mindedly played with her hair and the apron knot at her back.

“Oh just leave her alone would you brother?” Ellie yelled from the living room, surprising most non-Bridgertons in attendance. “Guests need to be fed!”

The couple turned to us, Penelope blushing and Colin wearing an ear-to-ear grin. Instead of dropping his hand, he pulled her closer, whispering in her ear and making her smile and shake her head.

“To answer your question, dear sister. No I will not.” Colin rested his head on top of hers.

“He’ll break his neck trying to pull cute stunts like that,” Ellie muttered under her breath.

“Well it’s nice of you to say it was cute anyway.” Mum squeezed my sister’s knee.

Most of the guests left before sunset. Colin started a fire in the backyard and most of us stepped out to enjoy the cool evening air with our drinks. Inside, I could hear Greg and Frankie playing with their nephews. Belinda slept on the stroller next to me while Amelia played with her grandmother’s handbag.

Penelope handed my brother a beer. “You left this at the table.” He took the bottle from her but held on to her hand. She stood behind his chair, hands on his shoulders, her chin only a few inches above his head. “What can I get everyone?”

“Take a seat, birthday girl!” Ellie pulled a chair for her best friend. “You-“ she turned to Colin. “Why aren’t you offering your guests refreshments?”

“Ok, ok, take my seat birthday girl,” he offered his seat to Penelope. He held the chair until she settled into the seat. Colin leaned toward her. “Do you want anything?”

She looked up at him. “Just the white wine please?”

“You got it.” He kissed the top of her head before walking back inside.

Can these two be even more adorable?

Everyone else groaned. “Seriously, you guys are the worst,” Ellie complained.

“Oh stop it.” Penelope nudged her best friend.

“That’s what I’ve been asking both of you to do!” Ellie retorted, making everybody laugh.

Colin returned with a small hamper containing two bottles of wine and several glasses. “We’re going to pretend you haven’t been gossiping about me.” He distributed the glasses, while Ant read the bottle label first. Isn’t that such an Ant thing to do? “Do you want to open some presents?”

“Lovely idea!’ Ellie responded quickly. “Open mine first.” She reached inside her bag and handed her a thick envelope.

“Is that cash?” Ben eyed the white envelope with a ribbon tied around it.

Penelope knew what it was just by holding it. She stood to give Ellie a hug. “Oh this is so nice El! But I’ll read it later because this feels like an ‘us thing’.” She smiled at everyone. “No offense guys.”

“And I thought Pen and I had ‘us thing’ going too,” Colin commented.

“Oh yeah, read the letter later, but open the envelope now,” Ellie said, ignoring him.

Penelope glanced at her friend curiously as she gently pulled on the ribbon. She peered inside and her eyes widened. She pulled out a ticket stub. “Waitress at the West End? How did you even know I wanted - ”

Colin coughed.

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Yes, he told me you’ve looked up show dates but the important thing here is that I bought us tickets so we can watch together next month.”

“Very lovely present indeed.” Colin put his glass down. “I’m going next before someone else gives you another amazing gift.” He took a deep breath.

He’s not going to propose is he? I shot a look at Eloise who must have had the same thought, because she turned to me and shook her head discreetly.

“So um, I asked a few people to donate clothes in the spirit of your birthday and all.” He hesitated, as if he didn’t know what to say. As if he didn’t orchestrate the entire activity. “And uh, we’ve got about a dozen boxes at the garage.”

Her smile was wide and she looked at him adoringly. “Oh that’s such a great idea Col. You must have been so busy with it!”

Her compliment pleased him. Colin’s cheeks were pink. “Well it helps to come from a large family. I suppose we have my parents to thank for that.” He rocked on his heels. “Anyway um, so I thought tomorrow you and I - well, we could bring them over to the Ladbroke House Charity Shop.”

“Of course, yeah - oh!” Penelope gasped and covered her mouth with both hands. Her eyes widened as she realised what Colin just said. “The one on Church Road?”

The corner of his mouth curled up. “Yeah.”

“The one from my project with Ellie-”

“Yes dear. You know, back then I had to ask him twice to help you haul those boxes to the car,” our mother remarked with a sly smile.

“That was 10 years ago.” Penelope was simply astonished.

“It’s 11 but who’s counting?” Colin shrugged.

“I’d kiss you but I don’t want Ellie to vomit,” she said.

Colin's smile was even wider than the birthday girl's. “Do you want to see the boxes?” He held out his hand.

Without saying another word, Penelope took his hand and followed him back into the house.

The couple left us to watch the fire and sip on wine. I was still thinking about Colin’s thoughtful present. He asked if Simon and I wanted to donate some clothes to spare but he didn’t tell us it was linked to the first time he met his girlfriend. Even Ant and Simon seemed impressed.

Ben interrupted the silence with a chuckle. “I know we're all thinking it. Did we just lose them to a pile of second-hand clothes?”

“Benedict Bridgerton!” Mum exclaimed.

Chapter Text

BEN

These are the events leading to Colin saving Cressida Cowper from an “imminent bitch slapping,” as Cyn would say, from one Penelope Featherington at the Sanderson Courtyard Garden.

We were at the fancy London hotel on a Friday evening for a silent auction organised by Sophie and her colleagues, to raise money for arts education in low income communities. Sophie became involved in charitable fundraising events a few years ago. She said it was because she understood the affluent’s relationship with money: the only reason they would part with it is if they can look good doing it. She’s not going to say it’s because she’s always had a big heart. Genuinely kind people don’t say that about themselves.

I joked about hosting charitable events at expensive venues, but I also understood that in reality, for many donors it’s about optics and perpetuating the illusion that London high society contributes to human existence in a meaningful way.

My wife encouraged me to donate private sketching classes to the silent auction. She invited Penelope because they were both passionate about volunteerism and Penelope invited Colin along so he can write about the cause.

Let’s not kid ourselves, Colin would do whatever his girlfriend asked him to because he’s quite smitten with her, with a sort of in-your-face intensity that teasing him about “how the tables have turned” was pointless. We’ve since set our sights on Gregory, next-gen lovable idiot.

I watched Colin follow Penelope around the venue like close protection security. She offered him a cupcake as they mingled and Colin stood next to his petite girlfriend, happily munching on his snack. More like a giant golden retriever than bodyguard, now that I think of it.

He’s spent many years searching for adventure, travelling far, all by himself. When he realised what he’d been looking for had always been close to home, Colin never found himself alone again.

Same goes for Penelope. The two of them have been inseparable since making their relationship official. Ellie and I are of the belief they're more like an old couple by now - the years Penelope adored him but was too shy to do anything about it, followed by the stretch of time he was into her but was too thickheaded to realise it - those count.

Let’s go back to the events leading to the aforementioned melee and why Cressida should thank Colin for saving her nose job. Alleged nose job. Depends on how willing you are to take Mrs. Featherington’s stories at face value. Depends on how much you dislike the Cowpers.

Nothing remarkable happened for most of the evening. My sketching class received impressive bids, even if a few of them were clearly Colin’s handwriting. Half an hour before the end of the auction, Sophie and Penelope went off to speak with other organisers. I went to check if the bids on my classes have gone up (and they have - significantly and more importantly, they were not scribbled by my brother).

Out of the corner of my eye I spot Cressida approaching Colin.

He and I exchanged looks - his was of despair while mine was of pity. Anthony used to say the only way to get Cressida and Mrs. Cowper off our backs was by marrying. Someone else. I can confirm there is truth to that. It did not escape me that Ant and I have Kate and Soph to thank for being spared from Cressida’s unwanted attention.

I suppose Colin had it worse, because Cressida seemed to believe they had a fling, an unrealised romance. Nearly 7 or 8 years ago, I was meant to escort her to a ball but I feigned illness. Colin, and this is one of the many reasons he truly is a lovable idiot, knew nothing about Cressida then and agreed to go in my place. Now if I knew it would one day lead to a kerfuffle at a public event involving the love of Colin’s life well, I still wouldn’t have warned him about Cressida. Ant would have, but only because he despised being involved in embarrassing public situations. That’s just how we express love in this family.

I didn’t know her well, but she’d never shown interest in arts education or charity unless it was linked to a free-flowing champagne kind of activity. Nevertheless, Cressida attended the event and since she arrived, all she managed to do was not bid for any of the auction items. That and hover around Colin, the next marriageable Bridgerton, whenever someone dragged Penelope away from my brother.

Colin’s problem was that he looked mildly amused even when he’s not remotely aware of what’s going on. That’s his resting face. This is why people think he’s the most charming among us. This is why Cressida thinks he could be interested in her.

According to Soph, who grew up with rich bullies, Penelope didn’t feel threatened. She disliked the flirtatious, gushing comments Cressida left on Colin’s Instagram posts, like she wasn’t aware he had a girlfriend, but Penelope would rather avoid confrontation and shrugged it off as a minor inconvenience instead.

After another pleading look from my brother, I began to feel bad so I approached them with a half-baked plan to rescue Colin from the conversation.

“Ben!” Cressida smiled upon seeing me. “We were just talking about your last gallery presentation.” She was just as I remembered: classically beautiful but detached and almost mechanical.

“Yes. Thank you again for coming.” I glanced at Colin. He really needed to wipe that perpetual grin off his face.

“It was my pleasure. You’re one of my oldest friends and our mums have always been close, of course I’d be there for you gentlemen.” She wrapped an arm around Colin’s.

Finally he had the sense to look uncomfortable.

I cleared my throat. “Colin, I just received a message - people have been trying to call you. I believe there’s an important phone call you need to make?” I paused for effect. "Now would be good."

His forehead relaxed. “Ah - I forgot. Very irresponsible of me.” He extricated himself from her clutches and headed for the exit. I assumed he would wander around the lobby for a couple of minutes.

It better be only a couple of minutes. I didn’t have a plan beyond helping him make a hasty escape.

Cressida flashed a smile. “It’s very lovely to see you and Colin in the city again.”

She meant society events that Colin and I no longer go to. That’s mainly Ant’s role these days, and I don’t think Colin and I would want to trade places with our older brother. I really didn’t have any response to her comment and I wasn’t going to lie by saying it was nice to see her too, so I merely nodded.

“I saw that you’ve donated drawing classes to the auction. Most generous. And who wouldn’t want to take lessons from Benedict Bridgerton?”

I could name seven people in alphabetical order who would rather serve time than listen to me talk about pen strokes. “I just hope the team raises the money. It helps that the city’s most distinguished is here to open their wallets.”

“Oh, of course. That’s why we’re all here!”

Oh god I detested small talk. At that moment I’ve never felt happier about being married to a person I truly loved and enjoyed spending time with. I began to wonder how many minutes had passed - surely it must have been at least five? I thought about reaching for my phone. How many times can I get away with using the urgent phone call excuse?

Did I really care about the kind of impression running away from Cressida gives people?

As luck would have it, I saw Penelope walking around the courtyard, probably looking for Colin. I waited for her to scan the room. The instant her eyes met mine, I raised both eyebrows and tilted my head subtly, urging her to come over.

She noticed the person standing to my side and looked at me like I had asked her to do something morally bankrupt. I widened my eyes. Penelope shook her head. Cressida was still chatting away - something about the causes supported by her mother I think - while I kept glaring at Penelope, who remained in her spot across the room. I was about to give up when I thought of giving her the same pleading look my brother threw my way earlier.

Since we were old enough to run around without supervision, everyone had remarked about how much the Bridgerton boys resemble each other. I have to admit this was an odd way of using it to my advantage, but I was quite desperate.

Penelope narrowed her eyes at me. She sighed and I knew the trick worked. She rolled her eyes and trudged over with a pout.

“It’s a shame, I mean if Colin would consider spending more time in the city, we could be working on projects like this together. We just don’t see each other as often anymore, you know?”

I have no clue what she’s talking about. Even as teenagers we made it a point to steer clear of Cressida - initially because of the rumour that Mrs. Cowper would stop at nothing to be a Bridgerton mother-in-law, but eventually we realised we didn’t like being around Cressida because while she said all the right things and certainly looked the part of a respectable and well-bred Londoner, she was simply unbearable.

“I heard it’s because he’s going out with some ginger misfit,” Penelope said, appearing next to me.

I hoped I hid my smile well.

“Why Penelope, I’m not sure what you mean,” Cressida replied innocently.

I faced Penelope, feeling grateful I had someone else to talk to. “Have you seen Soph?”

She nodded. “Powder room.” Penelope turned to Cressida with an easygoing smile. “I meant me, Cressida. Colin? Tall-ish, goofy smile, frequent flyer miles hoarder - dating me. So you can, you know, maybe take it easy on the Instagram comments.”

Cressida laughed. “Or what?” She was a head taller than Penelope and I didn’t like the way she looked down at my friend. “Oh dear. Are you scared he’s going to wake up one day and realise what he’s brought home?”

That was uncalled for. I couldn’t help myself. “That’s hardly-“

“I’m not going to do anything. I don’t need to do anything.” Penelope replied with an even tone. She seemed to handle this a lot better than I was. “Ben, I’m sorry but I think I should just go find him,” she told me.

It should have ended there, but Cressida had to have the last word.

“Surrounding yourself with Bridgertons isn’t going to turn you into a relevant person. You’ll still be the kid our mums forced us to invite to parties because everyone felt bad for your family.”

Penelope stopped in her tracks. “Why don’t you say that again to my face?”

I texted Colin: Get back in here. Now.

“The Bridgertons have always been very welcome and generous and you’re taking advantage of their kindness. Yeah, you might be dating a Bridgerton now but you’ll always be followed by your family’s scandal.” Wounding Penelope gave Cressida confidence. “I mean who can forget your poor mother’s embarrassing meltdown-“

The next thing I remember was seeing a red blur - Penelope charged at Cressida but stopped at the last moment. In her panic, Cressida backed away and fell over a low wooden chair.

Penelope shook. “She can talk shit about me all she wants but my family is fucking off limits.”

“I know,” I replied. “Let’s just go, ok?”

As we turned away, Cressida extended a leg, tripping Penelope. I heard her swear as she fell forward, landing on her knees and hands.

Before I realised what was happening, Cressida crawled over her like a hysterical zombie. She grabbed Penelope but ended up scratching her arm instead.

“What the fuck?” Penelope glowered at Cressida and shoved the willowy blonde off her.

Cressida skidded a few feet away. She looked shocked. I was impressed.

“Pen!” Colin yelled, rushing to his girlfriend. By then a small crowd had gathered around us.

Penelope rubbed her arm as she stood, her eyes focused on Cressida. “She can’t come for my family and get away just like that.”

“She’s not worth it, love.” Colin blocked her path but Penelope kept trying to wave him aside. There was no way she’d get past him but Penelope looked like she would try all night if that meant she could get her hands on Cressida.

The other girl, she just couldn’t stop making things worse. “That’s right, Colin keep your friend in check please.”

“Oh shut up!” My brother and I replied in unison.

“Ben, can you just - please?” Colin looked at me as he kept his hands on Penelope. “Pen, just leave with Ben please?”

“Let me just talk some sense into her and it’ll all be fine!” Penelope said with clenched fists.

“What’s going on?” Sophie hurried next to me.

I gestured to Cressida, who tried to convince anyone who’d listen that she’d just been attacked by Penelope. “Cowper’s gone mental and I think Colin should let Penelope have a go at her in the name of justice.”

“Ben!” Sophie admonished me with a gentle tap of her hand.

“You’re not - helping - at all - brother,” Colin muttered. “Pen. Come with me outside,” he begged.

“No.” She looked at Colin defiantly. I think she mouthed “I’m going to kill her” too and I can’t blame her.

Colin frowned at Penelope and with a sigh, he wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her over his shoulder in one swift motion.

“What the - Colin! Put me down,” Penelope insisted. She continued to throw dagger looks at Cressida.

“You’ve given me no choice Pen.” Colin turned to me. “And everyone thought I learned nothing from working at the vineyard years ago.”

“Seriously, Colin?” Sophie asked.

“This has gotten quite out of hand,” Cressida announced like she had nothing to do with the firecracker in my brother’s arms.

“I’ll show her face what out of hand looks like,” Penelope muttered.

“Cressida,” Colin said the name like he tasted something unsavoury. With his girlfriend perched over his shoulder, he side-eyed the blonde. “Don’t you ever disrespect Penelope again because I’m going to ask her to marry me, and I don’t think I’d take kindly to anyone treating my wife like that.”

Penelope gasped.

The crowd fell silent.

I smiled at Sophie, who squeezed my hand.

With a final glare, he walked out of the courtyard with a speechless, blushing girlfriend.

And that is the story of how Colin proposed to Penelope.

ELLIE

Good evening, everyone, hello. To those who may not know me, I’m Letter E, Eloise, best friend of the bride and favorite sibling of the groom. Before my brothers object - please sit down Ant - I’m going to add that I’m Maid of Honor and Best Man, and if that is not sacred, final proof of who is the best Bridgerton, I don’t know what is.

I've been asked by the couple to read some thank you messages on their behalf:

From Colin, to Mrs. Violet Bridgerton. Mother, you hated every moment I was away and yet you always encouraged me to travel and explore. You gave me the world and in knowing the world, I came to know what matters and what remains, and that’s the love of family and the people you welcome into your family along the way.

Ok, well that was… quite touching and unexpected from my brother. Excuse me...

From the lovely bride, to Mrs. Portia Featherington: Ours was never a picture-perfect mother-daughter relationship, but we loved each other in our own unique ways. You taught me to stand up for myself and to never take shit from anyone - again, I’m just reading these notes as they were given to me - ok, where were we? Ah - Mum, from one tough cookie to another, I love you.

To Ant, from the newly weds, as far as father-figures go, you’re actually pretty cool. We’re not sure if Ellie will read the next few lines out loud, but we hope you know everyone looks up to you. We will all deny it, as younger siblings are bound to do, but if you had the good sense to take a video of this moment on your phone, you could have something to hold over our heads forever.

Ooooh, Ant, too slow with the phone, the moment has passed!

So when Col and Pen asked me to be Best Man and Maid Honor, I said yes automatically, but in hindsight, I should have deputised a groomsman and a bridesmaid. For the first time in my life, I visited Brides.com to wrap my head around the responsibilities that came with being the most important person in the wedding party, essentially. It’s nothing a Gantt chart on Google Sheets can’t handle.

I’m glad to report the New Forest stag do I organised was well received by my brothers, in part due to me sitting out the clay pigeon shooting competition. The hen do turned out to be a more raucous affair which was not entirely unexpected. Spa and cocktails? Pen and I knew what we were getting into!

Ahem. Right. Offering a wedding toast is another responsibility. Pen and Col asked me not to talk about a few things, so obviously I will be mentioning those things specifically.

The first thing they asked me not to bring up was their height difference, because they get that all the time. We all see it, right, it’s like a cute gimmick. She’s a tiny flower, and he’s a lumbering figure next to her. She’s fun-sized; she makes cramped spaces work. He’s good for - you know - moving furniture and reaching for things.

I know you’re all thinking what the sex must be like, for sure. Juuust a healthy commentary on sex, folks, come on! Even the vicar smiled at that one. Although my mother looks like she wants the earth to swallow her and I can see Ant giving me The Look, so I will drop the subject. You can all relax.

We’re lucky to be surrounded tonight by the couple’s closest friends and family, and I’m sure many of us have observed: when Pen argues for something she believes in, she’ll bend you to her will. Not through force or pressure, that would be more like my sister-in-law Kate. Not through blackmail or trickery, that’s more like Cyn. Or guilt, which is something only an older sister can perfect, right Daph? Love you!

Penelope uses reason and words. And when both fail, she’ll play the long game. And as my brother is not only aware but also eternally grateful for, Pen is a master at playing the long game.

Colin, we call him our lovable idiot because of his childlike sense of wonder. People tell me how fascinating he is. I’ll admit, he’s done some cool things. He’s been to jail for joining reproductive rights protests in Northern Ireland a couple of years ago. He spent a summer in the Philippines and came back with a tattoo done by one of the most sought after artists in the world who uses bamboo and thorns. I mean, we are talking about the same person who lost his passport in Heathrow. Twice. In one year.

Pen tells me, what makes him interesting is the fact that he finds something interesting about everything and everyone. He’ll actually ask Ben what a painting means and stick around for a humanities lecture. Colin wants to know what Frankie thinks about whiskey and Ian Rankin. He visited Greg at uni a couple of times, just to find out what the rooming situation was like.

Col dropped by my place of work one time, took me out to lunch, and then asked to see security footage of the museum at night. Why, you ask? To confirm that the statues aren’t running around like in the Night At The Museum movie. You can laugh, as I did that time, but then I also spent 30 minutes of my break watching footage with him in the office.

Random tidbits aside, I think when people see the height difference, what their brains are processing is the fact that Pen and Colin are a match nonetheless. It’s our brains working out how a dark-haired gentleman, handsome and kind like our father, and this redhead goddess who just about reached his shoulder level - we’re trying to make sense of how two seemingly different people just click, period.

We all witnessed their first dance as husband and wife - Pen’s hands interlocked behind his neck, Colin’s hands parked chastely on the rise of her fantastic ass, looking at his wife like he couldn’t believe she’s his - just as much as he’s hers of course, this isn’t the Regency era am I right ladies?

Watching them dance, I thought to myself, maybe the how and the why don’t matter. But I hope through the course of this roast - ah, meant to say toast - I can help shed light on the matter, for those of you who have not been around for the last 10 years or so.

Pen gave me permission to tell jokes about how she’s been in love with my brother for eons but she warned me not to refer to the time Colin accidentally showed her a lady friend’s photo on his phone, because the bride thinks it makes her look petty and jealous but I disagree, and it’s my position that anything that took place from before Greg’s university days is fair game, so I’ll tell you what happened and you can decide for yourselves.

Anyway, this happened when we were about 20 or 21. We were at home, Pen and I, and Colin’s back from a trip. He showed her snaps on his phone and flipped through the camera roll and then - bam, hot girl, tanned, sultry dark eyes - this was how Pen described this lady friend to me. I asked how she reacted, and in between sobs Pen told me her response was “You guys look great together” and I yelled at her, why would you say that, and she told me, “He looked so happy in the picture, I wasn’t going to tell him I wished the black plague on them.”

Now, I can see a mortified-looking bride and I can tell from Colin’s expression this moment that he might not have heard this story before. Ooops?

If it helps, I will add that you can take a photo of Colin next to a plate of chips and he’d look happier than a lottery winner, but there’s a picture of Penelope in Colin’s study that was taken just as she’d snorted beer from her nose from laughing so hard at his jokes, and that my friends, is their happiest photo and he doesn’t even have to be in the shot for anyone with a heart to grasp what true happiness looks like.

Ok, sorry I got sidetracked with that story. Back to the list of things the newlyweds don’t want me talking about at their wedding reception. Colin’s favourite Disney princess. Any guesses? Correct, Frankie from table number 2! The answer is the Little Mermaid. You know what, I don’t even have a story behind this, I just wanted to bring up the fact that when Colin babysat Cyn years ago, and they’d play with her dolls, Colin asked for Ariel. For a bit of context, Ant and Ben also babysat us, but they never asked for a specific toy to be assigned to them.

I know this will probably be the first and last time I’d be allowed near a mic at a reception, except maybe Michael’s, if you play your cards right friend, we might be looking at a highlands destination wedding - yes? Look, even Frankie’s laughing, so Mikey, you’re welcome.

Believe it or not, I am sticking to the script for the rest of my time in front of you tonight, to enlighten our guests about Pen and Colin’s topsy-turvy dating timeline.

When they first met, through me of course, I had the fantastic idea of organising a clothing drive for a school project - ok, Pen, I know - Pen wishes to make it known that I came up with the idea but she did all the work, but that’s the essence of this partnership babe. After getting all the clothes in the car, we had tea in mum’s kitchen. I was fuming internally because Colin kept popping in to look for snacks, and the moment anyone from school meets any of my brothers, they become more interested in hanging out with these clowns, and I just disappear.

I’d come to expect that from most people I befriend, but Pen, all she said that day was how much the three of them looked eerily like each other. She made a reference to Tweedledum and Tweedledee and she invited me to her house so she could show me her books. I found my soulmate. The next time she brings up Colin, it’s months later and it’s only because he saved her a piece of pie or something.

First date. Colin insists - and by virtue of me mentioning it this evening, it becomes a matter of official record - it was breakfast in Paris. According to Pen, it can’t be a date because she didn’t even have a stitch of makeup on, and um, I love my friend but that’s just a humblebrag if anything.

Yes. Paris, France. Frankie graduated from uni; we’re in Paris to celebrate and Michael got us sloshed the first night. Cheers to Kate for swiping Ant’s card left and right, and only two people managed to get out of bed the next day - Pen, who survived with a minor headache by sticking to wine, and Colin, who will never let a hangover stand in the way of a meal.

My best friend was trying to stay away from him that time, for self-preservation reasons, but they both needed to eat and they ended up getting breakfast together. How disgustingly cute is it that Penelope, who’s had a thing for my brother since secondary school, ends up with him in a café in the city of love, only she wasn’t aware he thought it was a date?

I didn’t see their first kiss with my own eyes, thank God for that, but I did run into my brother at home after said “special moment.” He comes in with a dazed grin and tells me I should have been with them because they dominated the pub quiz. He walks around the kitchen whistling. I didn’t suspect anything until I asked Pen how her evening went and she replied with, and I quote “I had a nice time with Colin.”

Considering that I faked a fever and convinced all of my siblings to steer clear of the pub that night, not to mention I bribed the quiz moderator to ask questions on geography and world capitals, I felt like I was owed a little bit more than “I had a nice time.” To this day, only our celebrated couple know of the details and ok - I can respect that.

While it’s an honor to be your Best Man and MOH, I must say sitting front-row and center to watch your relationship unfold into the most beautiful kind of love has not only been a source of entertainment - you must know by now how ridiculous you’ve both been - but it’s also been a real pleasure.

A cynic like me always looks for cracks and it’s easy to dismiss anything and declare it as a failure. But you have shown me what it’s like for a love to not just exist but flourish in difficult conditions. For a love to persist even when it seems unreciprocated. For a love to give birth to a true friendship, when usually it’s the other way around. For a love that emboldens you to find yourself and share yourself with another with reservation.

It’s a love so patient and believing, manifesting a future of togetherness; one that thrives in spite of distance and space; a love that creeps up on you, grows with every silly food pun, and deepens with each glance.

What I’m getting at is - your love must be contagious because it’s made me think, well, maybe skeptics and naysayers deserve some of that magic too. And isn’t that the beauty of a love shared?

Ladies and gentlemen, please stand and join me in wishing my favourite person and my occasional favourite brother another eon of this magnificent love and friendship, so intertwined no one can tell the difference.

Colin and Pen, I love you guys so much, I can’t promise not to show up unannounced for sleepovers. Cheers!