Work Text:
Taeil rips yet another piece of paper from his composing notebook. Shit. He can’t get the tone of the lyrics right. He can’t think of anything magic related.
The company asked him to prepare a comeback concept that uses magic and whatnot. But he can’t think of magic when he’s literally going through a break up. The worst thing is, Kun loved magic tricks. He loved learning and executing it, he loved seeing it, he loved anything magic. (Yes, the idol soloist, KUN.)
He tries for another 30 minutes, getting more frustrated by the second as “What does Kun...” “Kun would...” “Kun said...” thoughts plague his mind. He snaps, slamming the notebook closed and throwing it to the wall. He doesn’t get why he does it, but fuck, he’s not in a good position to write right now.
He grips his hair frustratingly, not getting why he’s being all angry. He’s just so overwhelmed. It’s only been 1 week after the break up and he’s still not over it. Kun wasn’t his first love, not at all, but Taeil was so sure Kun is his greatest love. The best one he’ll have. He was so sure he’d love Kun for eternity, or until his body allows him to. He failed to consider if Kun would do the same for him.
What if, Kun actually feels the same as him? Is he going through the same? Does he have massive eye bags under his eyes too?
He opens his phone and visits Kun’s profile, seeing that he had posted something. He looked… happy. Happier than he was when they were still together. He was glowing, and Taeil was foolish to think Kun was gonna feel the same as he is, when Kun was the one who broke the relationship.
But it’s fine, he convinces himself. In a few days, months, years, he would find himself in a different life. A happier one. With the special someone that was willing to spend his whole life with him. He’s fine.
No he’s not. It’s not any easier for him. Because everyday, at least one thought of Kun enters his mind. He’s still so, so, so in love with Kun.
“No, don’t go. Not yet. please.” He begs, on his knees, sobbing quietly as he holds on to Kun’s sleeve. “Taeil, please.” Kun whispers. “I don’t, I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.” He says, looking away.
‘But why? I thought we were happy!’ ‘Why? Stay here. I have so many songs for you that I haven’t finished yet. Please.’ ‘I can change for you. Give me a chance please.’
Everything left unsaid as his throat constricted. He isn’t fine. Taeil isn’t fine at all.
———
He fixes his hair up into a little pineapple haircut, getting ready to fix his mess of a house. He needs to distract himself more. Work more. Clean more. Do whatever just to ignore whatever the break up did to him. He can’t handle being alone and doing nothing because everything just comes back to him. Everything he and Kun did inside the apartment just shoots him in the head.
So he cleans, and cleans, and removes traces of Kun, and cleans some more.
He convinces himself that in a year, he’ll be able to talk about it and joke about it with his friends. He was going to be fine.
One year later and he’s still not fine. Moon Taeil the soloist was not fine. Even his fans noticed.
There’s still an emptiness that lingers inside and squeezes at him whenever he’s reminded of Kun, even so when he hears his name or smells his Jo Malone perfume. He used to think songs or movies that have someone hung up on their exes for a year was bullshit. But now he knows it’s real. And he’s a prime example.
He goes around, chatting and joking around with fellow idols in the award show. He’s making small talk and immediately feeling comfortable. Kun’s promoting in China right now. There was no way he was going to attend. Why is Taeil talking about him again?
——
The host laughed and finally introduced the category Taeil was nominated in. “Artist of the Year.”
But first, he introduced the special guest that would give the award to the winner.
“Qian Kun.” People clapped as he walked on the stage. His hair dyed black, and his skin pale as ever. He rocked the black suit that he wore. It complimented his long legs. Taeil spaced out.
“Moon Taeil.” He won. Right? It doesn’t feel like he did but Johnny teased and pushed him to stand up. (Of course, he laughed lightly [fakely] before standing up to head to the stage.)
He recited the speech he memorized and bowed before leaving the stage quickly. He doesn’t return to his seat. Instead he goes into his car and tells his manager that he’s going home. He can’t stand being in the same room as him .
God, he still looks as stunning as the day he met him, at Inkigayo on his debut stage. On the way home he can’t stop thinking about the day they broke up. The day Kun confessed that he had lost most, if not, all his love for Taeil.
He doesn’t get up from his knees and holds on to Kun’s sleeve. He can’t say the words he wants to. No matter how hard he wills himself to. His tears never stopping. Is this it? Is this where their relationship has come to?
He lets go of Kun’s sleeve and covers his face with his hands. He’s letting him go. Because he knows fully well, that he cannot force a man that doesn’t love him anymore to stay. “... Thank you.” Kun shakily says. He walks towards Taeil as he kisses the crown of his head as he whispers. “Take care.” He leaves, permanently. Taeil lets him. Because he can not force someone who never loved him, no matter how hard he delusions himself that he and Kun were perfect, to stay.
It’s ironic how his album “Take Care” and his Title Track “Magic Boy” has the most streams and sales when both of it are for, or based on Kun.
Taeil? Taeil’s not fine. Moon Taeil has never been fine since then. Who knows when Moon Taeil will be fine again.