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The news spreads fast, as if often does in small circles. Abby hates it, hates the attention it gets her, because she's never been one for having eyes on her.
Mel is the biggest culprit, looking at her across rooms with more guilt than Abby can reasonably deal with for her. To make everything worse, she can't afford to make a scene in public, and Mel always made sure they were in public. The last thing Abby needs is for this to become a Thing with the WLF.
She hasn't seen Owen since their big breakup. He's been out at one of the stations for two weeks. Abby can't exactly ask which one without earning herself some look from her friends, but she doesn't really want to know anyway. She takes on any assignment that will keep her out in the field, mostly transporting cargo and clearing out camps of Scars that get a little too brazen, and its good. She feels good.
At home its different, and Abby tries to keep to herself. Its getting harder and harder as their group grows and changes, but the Salt Lake crew have the benefit of being here a while, and most of the new recruits give her space. It’s her own friends she needs to worry about, and things have gotten a little weird.
So, Abby goes where she knows no one will bother her, where she has the home field. The place she had retreated to the moment they arrived from Salt Lake. It was always hers, and she’s built herself up quite a bit since then, and she's proud of it, but more than that, she’s safe in the gym. Its the only place she has found results where she puts effort, and that’s where Nora finds her, late at night and with a million excuses. She silences them all with a scoff, standing tall next to Abby's weights.
"I missed you at game night." She says, and Abby shrugs. The gym is empty - Abby didn't even notice everyone leaving - and Nora is looking down at her like nothing is different. "Close your mouth, you'll catch flies."
Abby’s teeth click together, and she feels a little hint of a smile at the corner of her lips. Its the first one in a while, and that fact doesn't do unnoticed. "Sorry." She says. Nora sits on the next machine over, her forearms braced down on her knees.
She's going to ask what’s been going on. Ask if Abby is okay or if she needs to talk to her about everything (about him, eventually, once she’s talked about everything else until her throat has gone dry), but she doesn't.
"You need a spotter?"
She didn't expect that, but her body answers for her and Abby nods. A brilliant smile spreads across Nora's face. "Well, c'mon then, show me what this lifting thing can do." She rises smoothly and manifests behind Abby, hands on her shoulders to urge her down to the bench. Abby jumps a little at the touch, brushing her skin at the hems of her shirt, but she rushes to comply and slips away to lay down on her back.
Nora leans down over her head as she reaches for the bar, making sure her grip is comfortable, and Abby finds herself meeting her eyes easily. She hasn't done that in a while. As much as she really doesn't need someone to watch her, its nice to know she's there, watching the steady rise and fall of the weight with blatant disregard for catching if it Abby were to slip. Nora knows as well as she does that she doesn’t need a spotter.
Abby tries to keep her breathing steady, ignoring the impressed sounds when she passes ten reps. Its not even that many, but Abby likes the praise, and arches her back a little on the up so she can get a better look at her.
Nora was Mel’s friend first, both of them being brainy types that learned how to heal rather than hurt, but she was always kind to Abby. Always willing to share a drink or a game of cards. Abby doesn’t let her guard down easy, but Nora's presence is relaxing, and watching her dart around her peripherals to check how much she is lifting gives her a rush.
"Geez," Nora says, and lets out a low whistle. She's getting close to twenty reps, but the attention makes it easy, and counting them is falling to the back of her mind in favour of watching Nora watch her. "Maybe I need to make more time for this."
Abby inhales sharply, her arms suddenly heavy when Nora notices her staring. She knows she’s been caught by a narrowing glint in her eye, and there's a flush crawling up her neck that has nothing to do with exertion. Abby pushes the bar back onto its stand pretty quick after that, a little shamefully but she’s been here for hours now. Its dark outside, and probably late, but here they are. Abby rubs out a knot in the back of her neck.
"We should probably go." She says, and Nora jumps a little, like she’s been a million miles away and Abby didn't even notice. But then she smiles and holds the door open for Abby, making for the apartments.
"Thanks for letting me hang out." She says, and Abby is about to protest, but Nora just shakes her head. "Don’t even try it." For a moment it looks like she might try to hug her - it doesn't even seem that bad, and Abby doesn’t shy away like she might have with anyone else - but Nora just gives her a little shove instead.
She follows her down the halls until they reach Abby's new room. She had moved in which Manny almost as soon as she could, and its not the best option, but he's a heavy sleeper and a good roommate when he wasn't kicking her out to entertain. Nora stands next to the door while Abby pats herself down looking for her key.
"You can talk to me, you know that?” Nora interrupts, and too late, Abby realises she’s been lured into a trap. “About... whatever."
Abby risks a glance through her eyelashes, but Nora is being painfully sincere. "Yeah, I know." She offers up a smile, the best she had mustered up in weeks, and its enough. Nora gives her another solid pat on the arm before she spins on her heel. Her own room is only a few doors back the way they came, and Abby finds herself waiting there until she makes it.
"I made it home safe! Get some sleep!" Nora calls, a little laugh in her throat, and Abby can't help but echo it back. The door clicks shut behind her, and even though Manny is already snoring louder than a cow could bellow, Abby doesn’t have too much trouble drifting off.
*
Abby still goes to the gym too often, but Nora is there sometimes now. She’s not much for lifting, and usually taps out before Abby works up a sweat, but she's still there.
It’s nice, but Abby's still consumed, and spends all her time out on assignment; still falls asleep some nights covered in blood, too tired to even take a shower and wash the death from her skin. She does it until it feels like second nature, and she’s starting to make a name for herself, getting access to better guns and better teams, until she even gets a little acknowledgement from Isaac. Still nothing about Wyoming though, but she can wait. She’s waited this long.
When they don't let her out, she’s back at the gym, or running laps around the cattle fields with Nora and Alice, so she manages to avoid Mel for a while. She’s lucky like that, but lucky doesn’t last so long when you're out in combat as often as she is, and she’s dragged to medical one day with a deep cut on her forehead that she insists is fine even as she’s blinded by how much it bleeds.
As luck would have it, Mel happens to be the only one available to meet them. Abby isn't the worst of their group (one guy still has an arrow clean through his shin and is bearing it like a champ), so she tries to clean herself up with wipes until her hands are batted away and Mel takes over.
"This needs stitches."
Abby grimaces a little. "Okay."
Its awkward. Really awkward. Abby has always been one for it, but this stifles even her.
Mel isn't so good under the pressure. "I wasn't-"
"Its fine." Abby cuts her off, her voice low, stern. She wants this done and to go home. If she’s lucky, Manny might have left her some of his whiskey, but she's not hopeful. Mel just nods quietly, and Abby wishes she still had blood in her eyes. It would have been a good excuse to keep them closed.
Mel’s fingers are delicate across her wound, careful not to hurt her, as if it mattered. Abby tries to distract herself with the rest of the room; alcohol, rags, needles. Nora.
"Hey, what happened here?"
"Mel stabbed me." Abby mutters. The hands holding her head in place flex, but Nora laughs before Mel can chastise.
"Don't we have enough patients already?" She says, winking down at Abby. "Move over, I'll finish this one up."
"You sure?" Mel asks, but she's clearly already halfway out the door. Nora waves her aside, taking up the needle and thread and catching Abby's eye with a glimmer in her own.
"You two seem to be getting along." Abby rolls her eyes, but tries to stay still as Nora begins sliding the thread through her skin. She gives herself credit when she doesn't flinch.
"Its alright." Its a lie, but they both know that. Nora is focused on the task at hand, patching Abby's stupid little cut, and its a rare moment to just look at her. "Thanks, by the way."
"For what?"
"Rescuing me." Nora glances down at her, her eyebrow arching just slightly, before she slips the needle around again.
"You didn't need it. I just didn't want to deal with that arrow." Her voice ticks up a notch in pitch. "Thank you for being easy work."
Abby narrows her eyes, meeting Nora's with a joke sharing between them, but neither of them say anything to make it real. Nora clips the loose thread and pronounces her done, but Abby hangs there a moment unsure of if she wants to let this moment pass or not. Nora frowns a little when the silence grows too long, but eventually turns to dispose of the bloodied rags. Abby’s legs feel a little unsteady, she doesn't trust them to stand, but she reaches out to grab Nora's forearm when it looks like she might leave her there.
She can't put it in words exactly, and Nora doesn’t try and coax it out of her, but she's concerned, and there's nothing Abby can do about it.
"Abby..." Nora breaths. Abby can feel it glancing across her forehead. "Are you sure you're doing okay?" She's asking for a truth, and its not really one Abby is willing to give yet. She tries to convey that through her eyes, begging Nora to just drop it and let her away with this for just a little longer, and she does.
"Yeah."
"Okay."
She doesn't believe her, but she still gives her that perfect smile and ushers her out of her seat. She needs to treat patients, and Abby feels a rush of guilt only partially related to that. She's stealing her away from where she’s actually needed. She almost stumbles into a table of supplies on her way out, and Nora's choked laugh follows her all the way back to the weight room.
Manny finds her there on the way home late, and drags her back to the room when he notices a shake in her eyes. She hasn’t slept in a long time, but neither has he.
Its not as hard to fall asleep alone when she can barely stand.
*
Nora collects her from the gym one night. Its become a revolving situation between herself and Manny, and sometimes just whatever rookie is brave enough to do it when they can’t. But she’s nervous, and Abby is on edge the moment she appears.
She waits for Abby to sit up, but gets right to the point.
"Do you remember that night we stole that forty from Jordan's mom?" Of course she does, so she nods, even though its causing an anxious stir through her.
Of course she remembers.
Nora purses her lips. There’s a stress line coming up across her forehead, and for a moment Abby's hand itches to reach up and smoothen it out, before she corrects herself. She's not allowed to do that kind of stuff.
The timing still isn’t right. She needs to finish things first.
“Then you remember-"
“Yeah.” Abby cuts her off and regrets it immediately, because she’s both backed herself into a corner and made herself an ass in doing it. She remembers what she said, and it isn’t worth repeating. Not yet. Nora clear her throat, clearly uncomfortable but braver than Abby is, and it takes every bit of willpower she has to cut her off again. “I can't-"
Nora's eyes widen. “No, I didn’t mean…” She takes a big deep breath, collecting her thoughts better than Abby probably ever could. “I'm on your side, okay?”
Abby nods, because what else is she supposed to do, and Nora smiles at her, rests her hand on her folded arms. Abby didn’t even notice they were there, guarding her chest, and they loosen up under Nora’s fingers.
They aren’t as calloused as her own, probably owing to Nora’s nature as less of a brute, and Abby tries not to let herself get carried away by it.
She's the last real friend she has left, and Abby is scared. She rushes to the worst case, a world where her relationship with Nora could crumble under the weight of her responsibilities, where she could personally drive her away, and she doesn't like the picture she paints.
“Yeah, I know.” She doesn’t know how to tell her that she’s been lost, and she doesn’t know how to bring herself back enough to be a proper person again. A dateable person. Abby doesn’t feel conscious some days.
Nora doesn’t have much free time, and she needs to go to work, where she’s needed, but Abby feels her gut wretch at the loss of contact when she goes. She misses sleepovers – closeness - and when the last person she touched wasn’t usually dead afterwards, and it takes half an hour of pacing before she can even think about sleeping.
Its just not the right time.
*
Nora is worried about her. And she’s being obvious about it.
Not that it has any effect on Abby. She's still working herself to the bone, and its paying off. Isaac himself had asked her to report to him one evening, showering her in praise the way only someone like him can; more intimidating than impressed but Abby still leaves with a little spring in her step. She hasn't slept in so long, but she's riding a high of a new personal record, and when she arrives back at the room and finds Manny there still awake, she doesn't cringe.
"Solitaire?" She says. "No date tonight."
"No." He says, lining another card up in a line. "I thought I'd spend tonight with my second best girl."
Abby grimaces. "Don’t ever call me that again." She’s already shuffling past dirty dishes and unwashed clothes to look through the cupboards, but Manny reads her mind. "Drinks over here." He holds up a bottle of gold, looking over his shoulder? "Shall we make this interesting? Poker?"
They bet chores, and compromise when Abby loses two hands in a row after a shot too many and things risk going down a bad road. “You're cheating!” She accuses, but the drink has made her slur her words. He gives a hearty laugh, much too loud for the hour but its pleasant; it makes Abby want to laugh too, but the mood is soured when he sighs, clearly with something to say. She rolls her eyes and waits for him.
“Y'know, people talk about you?” Abby fights the urge to grimace. “Some more than others.”
“Just say whatever you want to say.” Abby drains the last of her glass. Manny shuffles the cards quietly between his hands, the way she never really got the hang of; Abby always ends up spilling them everywhere, and Manny always tries to spare her the embarrassment. She wishes he would extend that sentiment a little further.
“I'm just saying… Abby, its been almost two years, and people worry.” He shrugs off her glare a little too easily, smiling and everything. “Your friends worry.”
Abby wants to go to bed – better yet, go to the library to read until her eyes hurt – but to do that she needs to end the conversation. Manny deals out cards. “I'm fine.”
Manny doesn’t do talk about feelings, so she steers towards exactly that to deter him. She scratches the back of her neck, her braid feeling tight after so many hours in place and pulling at her scalp. She knows he’s talking about Nora. She’s the only one who still checks up on her; of that much Abby is certain, the others only talk to her about WLF stuff now, and most of them have lost faith in her Wyoming fantasy.
“Regardless, maybe try a little harder to be convincing?” He says, a little too condescending. “I fold, by the way.”
Abby frowns. “What, why?”
“You have a good hand this time. You have a tell.”
“That’s not fair!” Manny doesn’t really play by those rules, and eventually shoves her down to her section of the room to end the night when he gets sick of her arguments. Its late, and there will be assignments to get done tomorrow.
Abby sleeps a little better with drink holding her down, and doesn’t dream at all.
*
As soon as she gets the official go-ahead from Isaac, Nora is the first person she goes looking for.
She justifies this to herself later with a million different excuses, all of them valid and true in their own way but not the real reason Abby finds herself in front of her place. She knocks on the door still riding her high, not thinking of anything but finally getting to move on. Nora opens the door with wide eyes.
“I got a jeep.” Abby says. “And clearance to take anyone I want.”
“Jackson?” Nora breathes it out like a prayer, like she cares about this as much as Abby does.
“Jackson.” Abby repeats, and there’s a huge grin taking over her features that’s she’s powerless to stop. Nora makes an excited noise at the back of her throat that makes Abby want to burst into a million pieces, but she’s needed here, solid. She braces herself to take on her weight when Nora tosses her arms around her neck. They used to be touchy like this, when they were teenagers and life didn’t feel so fragile, but it doesn’t come as a shock to have it again now. Abby hugs her back ferociously.
“Shit!” Nora pulls back just as quickly as she had come. “Its really happening.” Her hand on Abby’s shoulder squeezes her for a second; maybe with the same excitement that ran as jitters up Abby's frame. Nora has warm eyes, but usually has nothing to be particularly warm about, and not for the first time Abby is landed by how beautiful she looks when she’s happy. “When do we leave?”
“Once everyone’s on board.” Once Owen gets back. Abby banishes the thought from her mind. She hates how often she still thinks of him, but she wants him there, with her when she finds the man who killed her father. The reason they were all in Seattle in the first place, waiting for Isaac's permission to take whatever they deserve.
Nora pulls back slightly, and Abby has to hold her breath to keep herself in place, mourning the loss of touch as much as it excited her in the first place.
Soon. Not now, but soon. Its kind of a frightening notion, because Abby has been trapped in limbo waiting for this moment for what feels like her entire life, and she's fantasied about a life where she has done it, but its never been so possible before. She’s scared, and its confusing, but there’s a reason she came to Nora first.
Nora wants this too. She lost people that day too. Joel Miller killed them, and she is going to track him down, and make sure he’s dead.
She still hasn’t pulled out of Abby's hold, and there’s a careful hand resting on the back of Abby's neck; like she’s made of glass and Nora is worried she might break her. Abby doesn’t remember the last time anyone touched her like that, and even though the timing still isn’t right, Abby feels the selfish streak in her rear its head before she even knows what she’s doing.
Nora has kept her eyes steady on her own until then, and Abby isn’t sure if she slipped up first, but she catches her looking down at her lips and for the first time in four years, she does something for her.
They cross the threshold into Nora's room when she kisses her, lead by that hand on the back of Abby's neck. Nora's roommate is out (she often is, and its what they both separately like best about her), and Abby kicks the door shut behind them with little regard for the neighbours. Her heart is halfway up her throat, because she’s always thought of this thing with Nora as kind of farfetched; that they would never be single at the same time, never be in the right place at the right time, but here they are.
Abby lets her tilt her head and deepen the kiss, for once able to ignore the guilt stewing in her stomach. She’s almost there. She’s about to do it. She’s allowed to have this. Just for a moment.
Nora pulls her in close, so that Abby can wrap her arms around her fully, get as much of her as she can take, if she wants it. She’s soft and sweet and everything life hasn’t been since Abby was a teenager, and she wants so badly and so deeply that she whimpers into Nora's mouth, desperate to tell her the plan - that she wants to do this right this time – but she can’t.
She has so much to do. She wants to be out of here as soon as possible, and that means getting everything organised with supplies, sorting out who is coming, how much gear they will need… Abby feels like she’s drowning in it already, in expectation. Nora doesn’t say anything when she pulls back, but she always knows what’s going on in Abby's head, and usually before she does.
“Later.” She murmurs, presses a kiss to the side of Abby's mouth, just off, so she can’t capture her back into it. Abby doesn’t know how to explain how much she needed it.
So she just nods her head, and lets Nora shoo her out. She still smiling though, big and brilliant and excited, and Abby lets it energise her all the way back to her room. She wants Manny with her when she asks the others, so that she gives a good pitch.
They’re going to kill Joel Miller.
*
The drive back from Wyoming is long and awkward. No one talks much, nothing like the journey there, and Abby feels it weighing heavy on her shoulders.
Most of them won’t look her in the eye anymore, and its starting to get a little more than irritating. Even Owen is keeping his distance again, and after how much the trip had healed them, its rough. Abby wants to hit something, but then the energy drains from her limbs and she’s barely able to keep her head up. Staring down at her shoes got boring after the first six hours.
Nora is almost asleep beside her, her eyes slipping shut only to shoot back open every time they hit a bump in the road, which is often. Abby feels like her brain has already been rattled beyond recovery before they even reach the county line.
Nothing feels quite real. Just a little fuzzy around the edges, like she’s been drinking a little too heavily and she’s about to throw up, but it just isn’t coming. Abby is kind of glad no one can bear to look at her, because she’s not sure she could pull it together enough to speak, if someone required it if her. Nora’s head comes down on her shoulder.
“Relax.” She demands, her hand coming up to shake Abby's leg a little. Abby forces herself to ease the muscles in her shoulders, to flatten herself into a shape that could be peaceful and comfortable to rest yourself down on, but it just makes her too aware of her breathing. To compromise, she holds it.
Nora shakes her again, a bit gentler this time. She hasn’t slept in so long, the unlucky one who had been too busy to get a break in all the chaos, and she’s fading fast. “That’s not relaxing.”
“I'm trying.” Abby whispers. Nora's arm curls around her bicep and she takes a deep breath, encouraging Abby to take one with her. It helps.
Abby makes the mistake of looking up, spotting Lead watching them with a weird look on her face. It makes her bristle up all over again. Nora snorts against her collar. “Stop it!” She says. “Its okay.”
Its okay.
She has hours to pull herself together. She can do this. They can do this.
Its still not the right time. She can feel it in her bones, in the guilty sickness of her stomach, but its coming. Nora's is falling asleep on her shoulder, and its good. Things can finally be good again.
She just needs to make it back to Seattle.