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Joakim was currently in the changing room, undressing from his usual clothes into his stage ones, as tonight they would be playing a rather large show in Buenos Aires, Argentina,
In all honesty, he was thoroughly pumped for it as he had been waiting for a long while to play in Argentina,
Everything so far in this beautiful country was excellent, the food, the people, and the sights…
He made a mental note to thank the Argentinian people for being so amazing and for having such a lovely country, after all, he did that with every country he visited for shows,
There was always something one could learn to love and discover in a place that wasn’t home,
Joakim grunted slightly is silent frustration as he tried to zip up his vest,
It was getting difficult… had the zipper gotten stuck?
He took a breath of air and held it, sucking in his stomach as he tugged on the zipper,
Eventually, it relented and zipped up all the way,
When he was done he let go of the breath he was holding and sighed,
With a slight frown, he looked down at his stomach,
‘Don’t tell me I gained more weight, again…?’ he thought as he ran a hand on it,
He had a pudgy stomach that slightly jutted out from his form,
He bit his lip and frowned,
‘I… I-I don’t think it's that bad… is it?’ he thought,
He looked over to the mirror and turned to the side to get a better view of his body, when he saw large stomach and just how round it looked he visibly frowned even more,
‘Shit… I think I should work out more…’
He nodded and gave a sigh as he turned away from the mirror, he walked over to his desk and grabbed his sunglasses, he put the shades on over his eyes and silently told himself that he could worry about that later,
Tonight, he was determined to have a good night with his friends and an equally good show with the crowd,
He wouldn’t allow such thoughts to plague his mind,
As he left the changing room, he made his way over to the seating area where Hannes and Chris were already waiting for him,
“Where’s Pär and Tommy?” he asked them,
“Tommy’s busy combing his hair, he found a few knots and wanted to get them out before the show…” Hannes added,
“Yeah, and Pär, well… Pär just wanted to find a cold bottle of water to drink… said he was thirsty…” Commented Chris,
Joakim nodded, he looked down to the floor and sighed,
Because his vest was too tight on him, he feared that doing curls or anything with the upper torso would cause it to rip,
So, he would have to settle with doing push-ups and light leg warm-up stretches before heading to the stage,
It had become a sort of ritual of his to do some light exercising before he got to the stage, it helped him remain flexible and agile while performing to the audience,
Joakim got down on to the floor and began doing some push-ups,
Hannes went on his phone and scrolled through Instagram,
Chris however, watched Joakim as he exercised,
He noticed how he wasn’t doing his regular curls and upper-torso exercises,
“Hey, Joakim?”
A grunt,
“Why aren’t you doing curls?” he asked,
Joakim continued his push-ups, “Ah- th-thought I’d switch thing u-up…” he replied as he continued to move,
Chris could see just how tired he was getting, Joakim looked a bit out of shape,
When was the last time he exercised?
“Y’know…” Chris began, “You really should take better care of yourself…”
Joakim laughed, causing him to pause his push-ups, he lays down on the floor, “Ah, thanks… like I didn’t already know that…”
Chris smirked, “No! I mean it because your our singer, Joakim… we need you…!”
Joakim nodded and sat up, “Thanks, Chris…”
He then struggled to get up, he grabbed at the armrest of a chair to help pull himself up, when he did, he sat down on a nearby chair,
Chris cocked an eyebrow, “You ok?”
Joakim nodded, “Yeah… I just-… I just need to get more into shape…”
Hannes didn’t even look up from his phone, “You look fine to me, to be honest… but if you want to, then why not…”
Joakim was silent but he had heard what they said,
The door opened and in walked Tommy with Pär, who was drinking his water,
Joakim waved at them, “Welcome back you two!”
Pär silently waved at Joakim and sat off to the side as he finished his water,
Tommy grinned widely at him and approached their friend,
Joakim returned the smile, but found it quickly faltering when Tommy came over to tickle him,
He let out a surprised scream when Tommy came to assault him,
He giggles as he fights for his life and dignity,
When Tommy is able to successfully pin both of his arms above his head is when Joakim panics and tries to remove him with his legs,
It does nothing as Tommy is able to hold on and not let go of him,
“Not strong enough, are we now?” he comments with a cheeky grin,
Joakim frowns, “Oh shut the fuck up” he chuckles,
A part of him didn’t know why that comment upset him a little, but he shrugged it off,
Pär silently watched on to his two friends goofing off,
Chris laughed, he poked Joakim’s chubby cheeks with a finger “Do you think that if you worked out more you could pin Tommy down instead?” he asked,
Joakim knew that it was just a genuine question that had nothing else behind it,
But he couldn’t help but feel a slight pang of insecurity,
He gave a nervous smile as he then replied back to Chris, “A- I-I-I hope so…” followed by a nervous chuckle,
Someone else walked into the room, “You guys are live in twenty”
Pär stood up from his seat, “Time go-to guys…”
Tommy removed his hold from Joakim and stood up, he helped Joakim to stand as well but not before playfully patting his back, “There’s no way in hell you’ll be stronger than me, I’ll always be able to pin you down no matter what…” he said all in playful jest with a wink,
Another pang of insecurity hit him, he didn’t speak but gave his friend a smile,
He didn’t know why he felt this way, but right now he had to focus,
The show would be starting soon and he had to perform,
He had a show to put on, and he had to make sure that it was a good one,
He and the others all walked over to the elevator that would take them all to the upstairs area of the venue, where the show would be held,
As they all got on the elevator Chris noted the sign inside of the elevator, it read: ‘ELEVATOR CAPACITY: 2500 LBS. DO NOT EXCEED’
“Two-thousand-five hundred pounds… huh…” he thought aloud,
Tommy cocked an eyebrow, “What about it?”
“How many sumo wrestlers would you be able to fit in here before the system broke?” Chris asked,
Tommy thought for a moment, “Well… sumo wrestlers usually weigh three-hundred-thirty pounds, so… probably around seven or eight… but that’s only if they’d all fit…” he examined,
Chris laughed, “Yeah…”
Joakim absentmindedly looked down at his own body at the comment and then lightly shook his head to remove those thoughts,
When the elevator finally arrived on the floor, things from theren on moved quickly,
Hannes soon took to the stage with his drumsticks,
He was then soon followed by Pär, Hannes, and Chris,
Joakim was last to take to the stage as he called out on the microphone if the crowd was ready, at the sudden wave of happy screams, all his worries immediately washed away, temporarily he forgot what he was all worried about,
The rush of the crowd’s energy was intoxicating and it gave him a certain high that no drug on earth would ever be able to achieve, goosebumps ran down his arm and a shiver up his spine,
He felt absolutely pumped to give the best show of his life…
At a certain point during the show, they reached a mini intermission where the guys would likely do shenanigans as usual,
And it was fun, as they would entertain the crowd with their usual antics,
Suddenly the crowd roared to life and a chanting began, “¡una cerveza más!, ¡una cerveza más!, ¡una cerveza más!”
Joakim stood silent as he listened to what they said but he couldn’t decipher it, until someone shouted: “NOCH EIN BEIR!”
His eyes widened behind his sunglasses, he spoke into the microphone “Are you guys saying ‘noch ein beir’ but in Spanish?” he asked,
There was a resounding roar from the crowd,
Before he could reply, someone walked on the stage and handed him a cup with a local Argentinian beer,
He glanced at the cup and took a moment to think,
‘Should I drink? I mean… I’ll only get drunk, a-and my weight if I-‘ he stopped thinking as he ran a hand on his stomach absentmindedly,
He moved the microphone back over to his mouth as he spoke, “G-Guys I can’t I-… I-I don’t want to get drunk! Come on! I want to give you guys a good show!” he exclaimed,
But the crowd wouldn’t relent, they screamed and whooped for him to drink,
Tommy even approached him with a cup of his own drink,
This caused the crowd to scream even louder,
‘Aw shit…’
Yeah, there was no backing down now, so, Joakim swallowed his pride and clinked cups with Tommy before downing his drink as best he could,
Tommy of course beat him as usual,
Joakim lagged behind as he drank the remainder of the drink,
Despite having obviously lost, the crowd still cheered him on,
He gave them the best smile he could manage and then as he was about to continue on with the show with his bandmates, a shirt flew on to the stage,
Joakim’s eyes widened as he eyed it,
Carefully he went and picked it up, the noted that the size was XXL,
A pang of insecurity hit him,
He spoke into the microphone “Uh, th-thank you for the shirt I guess…!”
Another chanting formed in the crowd; “¡desnuda!, ¡desnuda!, ¡desnuda!”
Joakim turned to one of his friends for assistance,
Chris spoke into his microphone, “I think they want you to undress, Joakim-…” he turned to the crowd “-right?”
A roar from the crowd,
Another pang on insecurity,
He didn’t like where this was going…
Joakim frowned behind the sunglasses as he spoke into the microphone, “I don’t think you guys want me to do that- I mean-,” he pointed to his vest, “-This? This is a fake six-pack! What I have is the ‘family pack’! That’s not sexy!”
A wave of laughs, cheers, and chanting came from the crowd, they didn’t care as they wanted to see him wear the shirt,
Tommy spoke into the microphone, “Come on Joakim! They want to see you change into something nicer!”
Joakim watched on as the crowd cheered at Tommy’s comment,
‘Shit…’
How could he say no? I mean, he was an entertainer after all… it was his job to perform,
So, he quietly sighed and gave a smile to the crowd as he took off his vest, which he worked so hard to fit on his body earlier,
And then took off his shirt next,
Taking off this piece of fabric felt so intimate to him, he just felt so exposed to the world,
Hundreds of eyes on him,
Judging him,
He swallowed thickly as he held down his nerves, he needed to be calm and composed for the crowd,
He had to give a good show,
He had to…
As he put his shirt and vest away near Hannes’ drum kit on top of a small black box, he moved over to grab the shirt that he had been thrown,
And he slipped it on with relative ease,
It was a tad big though,
He spoke into the microphone, “Huh! Looks like XXL really is my size after all! But uhm… it is big…” he commented
Tommy laughed and then spoke into his microphone, “Bah! It’s alright! You’ll grow into it! I’m sure!”
Another pang of insecurity, this time a big one,
And it hurt,
Joakim knew that Tommy was just being a jokester as usual but this comment actually hurt him,
He frowned and flipped him off,
But his efforts were only taken in jest with a hearty laugh from Tommy,
He sighed and forced himself to smile,
To put on a show,
After all, that was his job…
“Alright! Enough bullshit! Let’s continue with the show, right?” Joakim called out to the microphone to the crowd,
He was met with cheers and soon enough the next song started playing,
He jumped up and down in place as he got the crowd to join him too as he sang,
When the show finally finished, Joakim had his shirt and vest in his hands as he entered the elevator with his friends,
He was oddly quiet but no one seemed to notice,
Good,
Because he wasn’t in a good mood,
All the teasing and comments about weight today have put him over the edge, he was currently so overwhelmed that all he wanted to do was to just shut himself off from everyone,
He wanted to be alone so desperately,
He needed time to be alone,
He would feel tears prick at the corners of his eyes and he quickly wiped them away,
He thanked the stars that he still had his sunglasses on, the last thing he wanted everyone to see was him crying,
He was a fully grown fucking man for Christ’s sake,
He had to keep himself composed,
When they all arrived back downstairs to their headquarters, Joakim was the first to quickly leave everyone’s sides,
He went to the bathroom as he could feel himself get sicker and sicker,
He closed the door behind himself and got down onto his knees in front of the toilet,
He wretched inside of it, dumping out all of his stomachs contents, especially the alcohol, he wanted all of that out of him,
He didn’t feel good,
And that wasn’t just because of the muscle contractions coming from his stomach,
No, god no,
He felt disgusting,
He was disgusting,
He felt so overweight, even though he wasn’t,
He felt unattractive, even though he was very attractive,
He felt the opposite of everything,
And his feelings were so hurt,
He felt like a disgusting whale,
As he finished vomiting, he flushed the toilet and stood up on shaky legs, he cleaned his mouth with water and Listerine to get the sting of bile and horrible scent out,
Once he was done he tore off the new shirt from his body,
He hated it,
He felt so fucking large wearing it,
He didn’t even bother putting on his own shirt as it was sweaty, all he wanted to do was go to the changing room and lock himself inside, he needed some time alone,
He wanted some time alone,
As he stepped out of the bathroom, he heard someone greet him but he didn’t even bother to meet their gaze as he threw his clothes down onto the floor somewhere,
He still angrily clutched the new shirt in his hands as he walked away,
Someone called his name but he didn’t dare look back as he could feel tears well up in his eyes,
He sped up his pace and entered in the first room he found,
Tommy cocked an eyebrow, “What’s his problem?” he genuinely asked, “I was only calling him over…”
Pär frowned, “Something’s wrong…”
Chris’s eyebrows rose, “How can you tell?”
Pär rose from his seat, “I can just tell-“ and he walked off in the direction he last saw Joakim go,
Tommy frowned, “What’s got Joakim’s panties tied into a knot?”
Hannes lightly struck at him with a pillow, “Don’t be an ass Tommy, we don’t know… so Pär’s going to check on him…”
“Shouldn’t we go too?” he asked
Chris shook his head, “I think it’s for the better that we let Pär handle this… he knows Joakim the best, we’ll come if he needs us…”
“How can you be so sure that he’ll call us over?”
“Oh, he will… trust me…”
Pär knocked on the door of the room where Joakim had entered, “Jo-“
Something hard gets knocked on to the door that made him jump back in surprise,
“Fuck off Tommy! I don’t want to talk to you! Get lost!” Joakim angrily called out,
‘So, he’s mad at Tommy? How come?’ he thought to himself,
“Joakim, it’s me, Pär… can I come in?” Pär called out,
Silence,
He tried again with another knock, “Joakim are you ok-“
“Come in…” came a sad meek reply, Pär could also swear he was hearing him cry,
Oh no…
Pär opened the door and stepped inside, closing the door behind him, he found Joakim sitting on the floor, shirtless and crying,
He also noticed how the object that knocked on the door was the shirt that Joakim had gotten from a fan while on stage, that had been tightly bundled up into a ball,
Cautiously he took the shirt and approached Joakim, kneeling down in front of him,
He put the shirt down momentarily,
“What’s wrong Joakim? Why are you crying?” he said as he extended a gentle hand over to his friend’s cheek,
He cupped his face and watches as Joakim cried harder, he bit down on his lip,
Pär frowned and got closer until he was able to hold Joakim in his embrace, “H-Hey… what’s wrong… speak to me… please?”
Joakim took a shaky breath and spoke up, “D-D-Do you think I’m ugly?”
Pär didn’t laugh, “Wh-What? No! Where did that come from?”
“A-Am I fat?”
“No, Joakim…”
A pained sob escaped his lips, “Then why do I feel like it?”
Pär frowned, “You’re not fat nor ugly… I don’t know where you got that from, but you’re neither…”
Joakim frowned, “You’re just saying that to make me happy”
“I’m not”
“Don’t lie to me…”
Pär frowned hard and he gently took Joakim’s chin and forced him to crane his head and look up into his eyes,
Grassy green met ocean blue,
“Joakim, I would never lie to you, you’re very handsome and your fit for your age and build…” he told him,
Joakim whined, “But I don’t feel like it…”
Pär kissed his forehead as he wiped away at his tears, “Why?”
Joakim groaned, “I-… T-Tommy and his teasing, I-“ he growled angrily, fists clenching hard, “I-I hate it, I-I-I know he’s just joking but it hurts…”
Pär cocked an eyebrow, “Tommy teased you? Over what?”
“M-My w-weight-…” he stuttered out,
He didn’t understand why this affected him so much, he felt like such a child,
He was so fucking weak and pathetic,
“-T-There I said it, g-go ahead and l-laugh at m-m-me”
Joakim said as he watched Pär’s face, there wasn’t any hint of a smile nor the beginnings of a laugh,
Except for a hard frown,
He swallowed thickly, as he suppressed a hiccup from how hard his breath was hitching,
“He teased you over your weight?” Pär asked,
Joakim nodded,
Pär nodded and pulled Joakim close, he gave him a loving kiss on his forehead as he held him close, he rubbed his back,
“Can I tell you something?” he asked as his lips remained on the other’s forehead,
Joakim nodded, his cheeks were flushed pink as he held on to Pär,
Pär hummed, “Joakim Brodén, I have known you for… how long?” he asked,
“forty years…” Joakim replied,
“Forty years… and you are by far one of the most charismatic and handsome men I know… and you have an excellent body to match, not only that, but you’re a great man, an excellent friend, and an absolute dork…” Pär commented,
“R-Really?”
Pär chucked, he pulled his lips away from Joakim’s forehead and looked at him dead in the eyes as their foreheads touched, “Yes really… after all, how else would I have had fallen for you?”
He didn’t give him time to reply as he brought him in for a tender and loving kiss,
Joakim melted in his boyfriends’ kiss, it was as sweet as always,
When Pär pulled away Joakim made a noise of complaint which caused Pär to chuckle, “I love you, you know that?”
Joakim nodded, “I know… and I love you too…”
Pär smiled, “Good-…” he handed him the shirt he threw at the door, “Get dressed, I’m going to go bring Tommy over here so he can apologize to you for what he said…”
“B-B-But-“
“-No buts, get dressed, you’re obviously hurt and Tommy should apologize for hurting your feelings… I love all of you, I really do, and seeing one of you upset hurts me, so I want the issue resolved, and I want it done now…” He commented
Joakim didn’t argue with his boyfriend, instead, he nodded and slipped the shirt on,
Pär helped him stand and told him to wait for him to come back with Tommy in tow,
Joakim nodded and waited,
Pär headed off and when he found Tommy playing on his phone, he carefully took it away and looked at him with a frown,
Tommy was about to complain until he saw Pär’s frown, he kept his mouth shut,
“You’re coming with me, young man…” he spoke and walked away, making a motion for Tommy to follow,
and he did, he kept his pace quick as he followed behind Pär,
Hannes and Chris shared a curious look,
Quietly they rose from their seats and followed behind them but at a distance,
When Pär finally arrived with Tommy in tow, he presented him to Joakim,
He turned to look at Tommy in the eyes, “Apologize” he stated,
Tommy raised an eyebrow, “For what?”
“For teasing him on his weight…”
“I- wh-wait… what-?” he turned to look at Joakim, “-You’re upset over that? I was only joking! I swear!”
Pär frowned harder, “Yeah, but you’re ‘teasing’, but his feelings…”
Tommy was speechless, he never meant to hurt his best friend,
He turned his attention back at Joakim, “W-Wait, I hurt you?” he asked,
Joakim, who was still a bit upset, had small tears in the corners of his eyes, he nodded, “Yes”
Tommy frowned as he approached Joakim, “I-… I’m sorry…” he spoke,
Joakim bit his lip as he took a step back, he cringed away from him, “Fuck you”
Tommy knew he deserved that one, so he just took it,
He tried to reach for Joakim’s hand, and Joakim smacked his hand away, “Fuck you” he spat again,
But Tommy could tell that there was no real venom behind his words, he was still just upset,
So, Tommy powered through Joakim being stubborn and brought him in for a tight hug,
Joakim grumbled but otherwise accepted the hug, he buried his face in Tommy’s chest,
Tommy sighed, “I’m sorry… do you forgive me?”
Joakim grumbled out an intelligible response, then shifted in the embrace to speak up better, “Maybe… if-…” he paused not really finishing his thought,
“If what?”
“…If you don’t make any more comments on weight… anyone’s weight…”
Tommy nodded, “I won’t… I promise…” he was sincere in his response,
But Joakim didn’t believe him, instead, he just remained silent and allowed himself to be held,
Hannes and Chris shared a look as they watched on in silence,
So, what had gotten Joakim so upset was his weight?
Chris frowned, he felt upset upon seeing his friend like this,
Mentally he vouched to not do anything like that, that could upset him in the future,
Hannes thought that from now on he should keep this in mind for the future, as he would then do his best to cheer him up, after all, he was his friend and he cared about him,
On the inside, however, Joakim still didn’t feel happy,
Even after his boyfriend’s kind words,
Even after Tommy apologizing,
He still didn’t feel content,
And he thought that if perhaps,
Perhaps if he eliminated some weight out of the equation,
Then maybe,
Perhaps then he would feel better…
Perhaps…