Work Text:
My mom: Everyone synchronize your watches.
My sister: I don't know how to do that.
Me: I don't wear a watch.
My dad: Time is a construct.
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Me: Wake me up…
My sister: Before you go go!
My mom: When September ends…
My dad: WAKE ME UP INSIDE-
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My mom: Why are Aloe and their sister sitting with their backs to each other?
My dad: They had a fight.
My mom: Then why are they holding hands?
My dad: They get sad when they fight.
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Me, banging on the door: Bean! Open up!
My sister: Well, it all started when I was a kid...
My mom: No, they meant-
My dad: Let her finish.
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Me: *Screams*
My sister: *Screams louder to assert dominance*
My mom: Should we do something?!
My dad, observing: No, I want to see who wins this.
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Me: Yo is dad sleeping or dead?
My sister: Hopefully dead, I hated their guts.
My mom: Yeah, so did I.
My dad: Okay first of all, fuck you-
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My dad: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.
My sister:
My mom:
Me:
Everyone Else At Dad’s Surprise Birthday Party:
My mom: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.
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Me: Can I be frank with you guys?
My sister: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.
My mom: Can I still be Mom?
My dad: Shh, let Frank speak.
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My sister: Hah! 69! You know what that means?
My mom: What?
My dad: That you're a child.
Me: HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ!?
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Me: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.
My dad: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.
My sister: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?
My mom: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.
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Me: Tonight, one of you will betray me.
My sense of hopelessness: Is it me, Aloe?
Me: No, it’s not you.
My lack of wanting to socalize: Is it me, Aloe?
Me: It’s not you either.
My lack of clarity in terms of my gender identity: Is it me, Aloe?
Me:
Me, mockingly: Is IT mE AlOe?
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Me: Why is my sister so sad?
My mom: She took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes
Me: And...?
My mom: She got your dad.
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Me: Care for another sundae, weenie?
My sister: I am not a weenie!
My mom: Relax, you’re among familiy. *raises her drink*
My sister: My family doesn’t hang out at Weenie Hut Jr’s.
My dad: You tell ‘em, kiddo! *sips his drink*
My sister: Dad, what’re you doing here?
My dad: I’m always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.
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[The group is a prison cell that was just hit by an earthquake]
My sister: Uh, I'm gonna roll a perception check of... 4, and see if our cell is, uh, in any way damaged by this quake
My dad: You're in a prison cell :)
My mom: You did great. Well, I got a 10-
My dad: You're in a prison cell with bars on it :3
Me: I got a 1!
My dad: You're in... a cube-shaped place.
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My mom: You know those things will kill you, right?
My dad, pouring another glass of whiskey: That’s the point.
Me, smoking a cigarette: We’re trying to speed up the process.
My sister: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*
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My mom: I CAN'T DO IT!
My dad, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
My mom: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
My mom: LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
My mom: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
My mom: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
My mom: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
My mom, motioning to my sister and I: NOT FUCKING THIS
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Sherlock: 'Person of interest' is almost too flattering.
Sherlock: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'
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Sherlock: You think I really give a fuck? I can’t even read.
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Sherlock: I’m an idiot.
My sister:
My mom:
My dad:
Me:
Sherlock:
My sister: If you’re waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.