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Let’s face it, Harry was too fragile for this cruel world, but Louis could protect him. He met Harry on a small unnamed forum where Harry’s photos got popular quickly. There weren’t many boys who could reach such an innocent look, so Louis was thrilled to get to know him.
The caption under his newest picture said “Harry’s coming back to Twitch” with a bunch of emojis. Louis found the link to this angel’s channel in the comment section. His page for “recent videos” said nothing but “awkward silence”, but with a little bit of digging, Louis was able to find his Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram. Louis was pleased to find out that Harry had uploaded something on his MyStory.
“Hi guys, it’s Harry. I’m back home and happy to tell you that a stream starts at six o’clock!” he grinned into the camera “I’m looking forward to seeing you if you decide to join my comeback.”
Louis made sure to join. He wasn’t planning anything that night anyway, so why the hell not? He scrolled through a few of his last photos- the last one had been posted a month ago. Although his pictures weren’t worse than the ones on the forum, they were visibly less seductive. He wanted more of him.
The stream called “Just Chatting” started exactly at six o’clock. Harry’s porcelain complexion luminated in the lights of reflectors.
“Opps!” Harry giggled reaching for a remote control to lower the intensity. “Hi guys! Sorry for the lights, I’ve completely forgotten how to set these things on. Hi sakura56, nice to see you honeybee! CactusBoy, I haven’t seen you like- three months, welcome back.”
Harry gave away smiles, greeting and giggles. His tiny figure itself gave Louis the idea of his innocence, but it was perfect in the combination with that sweet personality.
“How are you doing? Hi to all my moderators, hello blue-eyed and IrishPotato.” Harry fixed his sweater when it seemed to be falling off his left shoulder. “Where had I been that month? Uh-” a pink animated pony appeared on the screen, followed by a sound of ringing laughter- “Yukami, thank you for subscribing for three months in a row!”
Louis decided to pay attention to the chat for a little while, many fans were expressing the joy of seeing Harry once again, giving him compliments. The boy became a kaleidoscope of blushing and ‘thank you’s.
“You are all so sweet, guys!” And then the other type of comments came, but the moderators erased them all before Louis was able to read those.
“You’re asking why I haven’t been here, sure,” Harry sighed uneasily. “I had a bit of a harder time, lately,” He was looking anywhere but into the camera, visibly embarrassed. “You see, some people on the internet were not really nice to me, because I am openly gay. And it weighed me down, so I had to take a moment off social media. But don’t worry, I’m all good now!”
TomNook: no one is unkind because you’re gay. they give you a hard time because you won’t fooking eat.
Louis had managed to read that message just before it was deleted, but Harry had seen it too. “You’d be surprised how many people can’t get over it.” His smile fell down for a second, but an even wider smile came back immediately.
“I totally have to show you something, but it’s really heavy, so give me a moment, please.” He disappeared for a minute, returning with an enormous box that he put on his chair with great difficulty. Another two alerts rang as he did so.
“RainbowLas and SimonStar sent me bits, thank you guys,” he gave them a bright smile. Louis wondered if his face was able to do anything else.
“Look what my mom got me for Christmas! There’s a lot of make-up in it and I can’t help but play with it all the time… You want me to show my outfit? Okay.” Harry stood up so viewers had a nice view on his body.
“I swear these jeans got bigger!” he complained with a small laugh “I’ll have to buy another pair, because that weird washing machine does it all the time. And I have this sweater- it’s so cold in here today… Look, there is Piplup on it! I’m sorry, Sweetcarrot, I’m not sure where I got it. It might have been on Wish.”
He turned around skilfully to show the outfit from every angle. The oversized sweater looked adorable on him covering most of his body, fitting perfectly with skinny jeans that were way too baggy for him, but still couldn’t really hide the delicacy of his legs.
His actions raised a tsunami of compliments and hearts.
EAT. The word appeared a hundred times per minute, to Harry’s and other viewer’s displeasure.
“Like a mug-bank thing? Let’s not go that way, I’m too clumsy with food to do that,” Harry laughed and shook his head “my keyboard would not make it out. Have you thought about what we should play?”
Louis realised there was an angel on his computer screen. He had an obligation to look out for him, cherish him and help him. How could someone so innocent and pure survive in this cruel world?
He was watching his streams multiple times a week, set Instagram to get an alert for Harry’s recent posts and it felt like Harry’s smile was just for Louis.
It took a while, but he found out what city Harry lived in. And it had to be fate, that they lived in the same city. They had to bump into each other eventually. It wasn’t hard to figure out Harry’s schedule: according to his social media he would wake up between eight and nine am, go for a run, spend most of the day inside his house, go for a walk with his little yorkie Oreo in the afternoon and start a stream at six pm. He would go grocery shopping on Mondays and Fridays around five pm, but he would hang around the shopping centre at least twice a week.
WannaBeAna: Will you make a weight loss tips video?
Harry, poor little thing, was not feeling his best that day, so he was stuttering as he read the question out loud. “I’m really sorry, but I don’t know how to lose weight. I guess I’m just lucky to have fast metabolism, but that doesn’t make me a dietitian.”
His modesty was endless. He had to fight for such a beautiful body, with all that running and Louis was sure Harry knew damn well what he was eating.
Glorify: @wannabeana It’s called an eating disorder, his head if fucked up.
“Don’t worry, Glorify! My psychiatrist didn’t diagnose any mental disorder. I’m great-” his nose wrinkled for a split second as if he was about to sneeze- “I’m fine. Let’s take a little break, shall we? I’ll get some water and stuff, but I’ll be back in five minutes!”
TommoTheToast: @glorify Good job. Do you really spend your days waiting for the right moment to upset someone? Harry did not deserve this.
Others also confronted that person, so Glorify left the stream and therefore no messages could be addressed to them.
Harry came back three minutes later with a dog in his hands and a little smile hiding the way his eyes were puffy. “Can we start again? My god, guys, so many messages!? Thank you for standing up for me, but Glorify doesn’t deserve this much negativity. Sometimes, people say unkind things that they don’t mean. They might be stressed from work or their family situation might not be the best- we can’t be mean to them.”
Angel.
Louis knew that it had been only a matter of time till they would run into each other and he only had to increase the probability. After work he would go shopping to the supermarket that was the closest to Harry’s neighbourhood.
And then, after two months of trying, on a Monday he saw Harry for the first time. And he was not disappointed. His legs were covered by nicely fitting black skinny jeans and a crocheted sweater with big loops hung over a black T-shirt. A shiny rainbow bag on his back matched his rainbow converse that almost dug into the floor as he tried desperately to move the shopping trolley.
“Excuse me. Can I help you?” Louis asked, catching Harry’s attention.
The boy shot him a scared look, but he calmed down in a second and nodded. “That would be very nice of you… I don’t feel so good and it’s a bit heavy.”
Louis took the trolley and noticed that it was literally empty, making no problem for him to push it. It was obvious once again. Harry needed a guardian.
“I’m Louis.”
“I’m Harry. Thank you for the help, Louis.” Harry was adding goods to the trolley, chatting with Louis. He asked numerous times if his helper was okay with taking the time and if he didn’t have to be somewhere else .
But the real problem struck him after getting out of the shop: how would he get home? If he hadn’t been able to push a trolley, there was no chance in him carrying all the goods. But the odds were in his favour as there was a willing well-built man next to him.
“Of course I will drive you wherever you want to go,” Louis smiled kindly. In a moment they were sitting in his car and Harry directed him towards his house. “You sure you don’t want to go to hospital? If you don’t feel well-”
“That’s okay, really,” Harry blurted out “A nap will fix it.”
Louis decided not to force him, so he nodded and went with it. He tried not to feel smug about knowing Harry’s address, but he promised himself not to abuse the knowledge.
“Could you carry it upstairs, please?” It was obvious that Harry wasn’t used to letting people, strangers, inside his house, but he didn’t have a choice. If he had had to carry the groceries upstairs himself, he would have fallen down.
That was the first time Louis entered Harry’s home, he just carried the shopping bags and said goodbye. In that moment Louis realised how beautiful Harry’s eyes were. He could have tried to describe them and write poems about their beauty, but he was sure he would never really find the right words.
“Pleasure to meet you, Harry.”
Harry didn’t stream that night because of a “sudden family visit”. Louis was looking forward to seeing him too much to settle for some stupid movie. He searched for Harry’s YouTube channel to kill some time.
Fortunately, Harry had uploaded a nice video during that week. Hot Topic Haul. The boy was showing off his body in see-through clothing, cute shorts and skin tight tops. Louis sighed at his hardening erection,
Harry sent his body back to puberty.
Harry was stuttering, trying to describe his outfits. He was gorgeous. Louis wanted nothing but to hold him tight. He didn’t even stop the video and palmed his cock.
He would be able to look at him for hours, he saw those thin hips right in front of him, legs shaking and one appeal on his lips. Take care of me. Louis would be happy to do so. That’s what he had done just a few hours ago and what he would be doing for the rest of his life.
He would carry his tiny figure everywhere, carry anything that Harry’s delicate arms wouldn’t be able to in that matter. He would fulfill his needs like no one else, massage his boney back and fuck him into oblivion.
He knew how submissive Harry had to be in bed. He would let Louis tie him up, begging for more, he would let him hold his small body in positions he had never heard about and obey Louis when being told to ride him. His legs would be shaking and a few thrusts, showing the lack of muscles to support his body.
“You wanted it, Harry. Now you have to earn it.” Harry would try to move again and again, but he would find out that he wasn’t able to, he was too weak.
“I need you to help me, Lou. I can’t do it without you.” After hearing that, Louis would grab his hips and easily thrust into him at a brutal tempo. Harry’s voice raised, his body softened, enjoying the powerlessness.
Louis felt a need to mark him, his neck covered in bruises so everyone would be able to see Harry is taken. He wanted it from no one but Louis.
Harry let the pretty skirt of his be ruined. The little skirt he was just wearing, accepting Louis’s compliments and praises.
“My beautiful little boy,” Louis growled possessively and Harry came with a small whimper, effectively covering the feminine piece of clothing with white substance. Louis came right after him, moaning his name.
Harry had another photoshoot coming and Louis decided he couldn’t miss it. As a long time member of the forum he knew about the event a week before the day so he was able to plan it out.
Louis couldn’t help but wonder how was Harry getting to the town where the photoshoot was held, hoping that the poor sweetheart didn’t have to take a bus.
And then an opportunity came: one day before the photoshoot was arranged a message was uploaded on the forum. The guy who was supposed to drive Harry fell ill so couldn’t go and he was looking for someone else to do that job.
Louis didn’t hesitate and signed himself as a volunteer, because “He would have to drive around Harry’s town anyway”, asking for the address.
Every hour, there were more people talking about Harry’s new pictures. They were looking forward to seeing them.
They were speculating about Harry’s new weight, if he would be skinnier than before, and bragging about missing Harry’s little nonexistent bum.
Louis wasn’t sure how to feel about these people.
Louis pulled over at the meeting point two blocks from Harry’s house, just a minute before the arranged time. Having noticed the car, Harry got in not recognising who his chauffeur was. The surprise on his face was evident with the realization.
“No way! Nice to see you again,” he greeted Louis.
The journey went by swiftly, probably thanks to Harry’s talkativeness that made him a great companion. Fortunately, he didn’t ask Louis why he was attending and Louis was genuinely thankful for that. As he found out just a few days ago most of the people just came there to jerk off while looking at the models.
“Do you do modeling often?” Louis asked in a short moment of silence. He had been thinking about it far too much not to ask.
Harry sighed softly “I’d love to, but people always make fun of me. So I decided to model just for people who are looking specifically for models like me.”
“If that’s something you want to do, then you shouldn’t base your decision on other’s opinions.” Louis knew he sounded like a fucking cliché, but how could he not with an angel sitting right next to him.
“You’re so kind, Louis,” Harry laughed a little, shaking his head, “I wish there were more people like you.”
Louis’ stomach filled with butterflies and his cheeks filled with blood having heard that. “That’s the reason you had to take a break, isn’t it? ‘Cause people were unkind.”
Harry nodded lightly. “I try not to take it personally, but it’s like they could never get it.”
Louis would like to think he gets it, but he wasn’t sure that was true. A tiny voice never seemed to leave his mind: “You are not naturally this thin, are you?”
“Can someone look like this naturally?” Harry laughed insincerely. He was used to laughing about topics that upset him in order to look strong. “I’m just a sick streamer who can’t do anything but this.
“But you always insist you’re fine. I’ve heard you say that at least six times this month.”
“If I said I weren’t okay, YouTube would block me. I talked about it with a friend of mine who works as a lawyer. Also, it would spread to parents who might forbid their kids to watch me.” Harry went silent for a moment. “Now I’m just trying to get enough money to live off after I stop streaming.”
Louis took that information rationally, not everyone was watching Harry for his body. “People might support you. Maybe those comments would stop if you chose to- recover.” Louis doubted he would be able to watch Harry gain weight, but he wouldn’t say that out loud.
“That would be nice,” Harry smiled a bit. “But I don’t get views for being me. Most of my viewers want to be like me and the others, the ones who pay the most, are aroused by my illness. They will all leave as soon as I start recovery.”
“Are you scared of it? Recovering, I mean.”
Harry was thinking about it for half a minute, watching traffic lights switch. “Not more than what will happen if I don’t recover.”
“What are you implying?”
Harry’s voice softened “I can’t move a trolley on a bad day and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling my heart racing. My doctor told me not to plan a new year celebration if I don’t start- being normal. Heart disease and shit.”
Louis pulled over to the nearest parking spot, net being able to do anything but to stare. What the fuck has he been encougaring?
“We’re not there yet. Should I find it on Maps? I could guide you without a map, but if it makes you more comfortable-” Harry twittered.
“How can you say it like that?”
“What?”
“That you’ll not make it to New Year- you have to do something with it!”
“I’ve been explaining my situation for five minutes! I wouldn't have enough money to live-”
“You can’t just die like that! That’s insane!”
“Of course you’d say something like that,” Harry scoffed “As if you hadn’t been jerking, staring at my pictures.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“Everything! Do you like it when a boy doesn’t eat, so he looks delicate and submissive? Poor little boy, can’t even carry his groceries, darling,” Harry kept on mocking the forum’s users. “But when something actually happens, it’s so dumb, isn’t is?”
“I’m not taking you to the hotel,” Louis decided, not even trying to defend himself anymore. His arms were numb all of a sudden.
“Sure, let’s play the nice guy! Go on. Pretend like you’re any better than the ones who are waiting for me just because you back off as soon as you see consequences!”
“Shut up!” The car was filled with unbearable silence. Louis noticed he was crying. Both of them were, actually.
“Fuck,” Harry sighed, finally braking the silence. ”My eyes will be swollen on the photos.” He himself grimaced at the triviality of his words.
“We’re not going,” Louis insisted, “I’ll take you to a doctor and we’ll see what we can do.”
“You can’t do shit.” Harry opened the door and got out of the car. Louis had to pull the handbrake and get his keys before following him, but it wouldn’t be hard to catch up with Harry.
“Harry wait!” He didn’t want to draw too much attention, so he didn’t scream or run.
“Fuck off. Go back to your stupid car before I scream for help.” Harry headed infallibly to the building where the photoshoot was held, knowing he won’t be able to make it in time.
Louis didn’t want to give up that easily, “We can fix this. Money won’t be a problem, we will work it out.”
“You’re just a wanker, I don’t know you at all. The two of us won’t be solving anything!”
“And who will help you if not me? Is there someone waiting for you in your house, or did you drive them all away, too scared to get help?” People were staring at them now.
“I’m not fucking scared! And if there is something that I should be scared of it's you!” An elderly lady lady stopped Harry in his way, asking if he was okay. Harry nodded, but the argument was far from being over.
“You know what? Go to that fucking photoshoot! I couldn’t care less, so once you start crying, because those perverts touch you, remember what I’m telling you here!”
“How dare you? I can take care of myself and I won’t let anyone use me!”
“Sure you can.” Louis turned around and went back to his car.
It hurt a bit, knowing Louis didn't care more than that. One part of Harry wanted to run to him, but the other part wanted to tell Louis to go to hell, that he is a stranger and that he has nothing to say about Harry’s life.
“Harry, you came darling!” Simon’s eyes lit up with excitement. Harry arrived half an hour late with bloodshot eyes, which will be impossible to hide, and a miserable mood. If Simon got a decent shot, it would be a miracle.
“I’m really sorry. The guy who drove me was such an ass.”
“Don’t worry about that lambkin, what’s important is that you are here now. Shall we?” Simon had always had a soft spot for Harry, like an uncle Harry had never had. The only person Harry trusted with photoshoots.
A moment later, Harry was sitting in the changing room, letting someone cover his face with creams and make-up, trying to sit still as his hair was brushed. He noticed that he was the only boy on the set, which did not come much of a surprise. It was the reason he got more attention.
“Harry, you’ll be posing on the bed, okay lambkin?” Simon called him after an almost unbearable time Harry had to spend waiting. The boy just nodded and moved over to the made up double bed. The lack of clothing on his body didn’t even bother him, he had got used to it. And furthermore, being permitted to wear his underwear was an above-standard deal, although he had never posed nude himself.
“You look great, honey. Warm up, so we can start,” Simon encouraged him. Instruction about where to put his arms and how to angle his legs followed shortly after that.
“Lift yourself up, using your left hand… lift your chin, eyes on the camera-” Harry’s arm gave up and he fell down on the bed. Simon chuckled “Do you need a moment, lambkin?”
Harry declined the kind offer, shaking the rebellious arm and went on with the shoot. Moans, barely muffled with other noises, kept on drawing his attention away from the camera. It was not at all like streaming. Now he felt just dirty. He didn’t like the idea of the men being attracted to him.
At the end of his shoot he wasn’t able to hold the poses for more than two minutes. His legs were shaking and arms hurt. Muscles ached- even the ones that he didn’t know existed. He was hungry. He had to get through the photoshoot without eating, otherwise he wouldn’t look good enough. Nobody wanted photos of him being bloated.
“Harry, do you have anyone to drive you home, honey?” Simon asked after Harry’s time ran out.
“Not really, the guy must have left. I’ll take a bus or something,” Harry shrugged.
“Nonsense! I can’t let you take a bus. Wait for me, the shoot will be over in an hour and then I can give you a lift.”
Harry’s heart exulted as Simon offered to help him so nicely, so he agreed and decided to wait in the changing room, where most of the left models were hiding.
One of the artists was getting one of the girls ready, trying to convince her to do something. “You have nothing to be scared of, those photos won’t be public. And those guys will bury you in compliments, also- they will pay you more if you show more skin.”
The girl nodded hesitantly before getting on the bed where she got rid of a tight shirt that had been covering her body to that moment. Simon immediately gave her attention, offering sweet compliments, telling her that everyone in the room wished she was theirs.
As Harry came back to the room, curious about the girl’s photos, one of the guys came to Harry and actually talked to him. “Would you like to go for a coffee?” Looking at him, Harry noted that the guy couldn’t be much older than he was, but his broad shoulders and defined muscles creeped Harry out.
“I’d love to go, but I’ll have to go home really soon. I’m sorry, you seem really nice,” Harry tried to decline the offer as politely as possible. Years on social media had taught him to do so without hurting anyone’s feelings.
“Okay. But here is my number in case you changed your mind,” the guy smiled and gave Harry a piece of paper.
Harry felt warm blood in his cheeks, this type of attention was kind of nice.
The quiet warming moment was gone as soon as a girl shouted “stop it.” The girl ran away from the bed she was posing on and slammed the doors shut behind her.
Harry looked at Simon confusedly trying to understand the situation. Simon was rolling his eyes, other girls were looking at the door she had gone through and one of the guys palmed his crotch.
Harry was the only one to follow her. He found her trembling in a corner of the provisional make-up studio. He tried to calm her down, but she wasn’t even able to tell him what had happened. All he knew was that he could not simply leave her alone in that state. One of the bastards must have said something.
“Why don’t we get you home? Or to a bus station?” He asked her as soon as she was able to breathe properly “you don’t have to go alone if you don’t want to.”
“Would you do that?” she made sure. “I live nearby, it’s just three bus stops.”
Harry promised to help her and went to Simon explaining the situation. Simon said he would wait for him and to take his time.
“Are you hungry? I’m dying of hunger,” she complained, but she was obviously in a much calmer mood now.
“Me too,” Harry nodded in agreement “and I need coffee.” They ended up in the nearest Starbucks to get something overpriced. Harry made an exception and got some cold and sweet with a splash of coconut milk, because he had been fasting the whole day. These long photoshoots were too much for him.
Maybe it’s not the photo shoots he thought, it might be just his poor self-control. He wondered if the rest of the girls were hungry as well. You’re not that sick if you still feel hunger, right?
Simon dropped Harry off in a street nearby his house right where Louis picked him up that morning. Harry waved his hand, waiting for Simon to drive away before heading home.
If only he knew he was watched.
Sighing heavily he went straight to the kitchen, his head was spinning from hunger. He didn’t want to eat in front of Simon, feeling he would let the man down in a way. Harry was aware of the fact that he was desired for no other reason. As he was reaching for a teaspoon with a joghurt in his other hand, his wrist was suddenly caught in a hand much bigger than his.
“You should lock the door, someone might hurt you,” Simon noted .
Harry felt a need to slap his forehead. He was such an idiot sometimes. “What are you doing here?”
“Just stopping by with your pay. I’m here to make sure you’re okay. You’ve almost drifted off in the car.” Simon’s voice was not really threatening, but it made Harry’s blood run cold.
“Thanks, I’m good,” Harry answered curtly, trying to break free from Simon’s hold. “Could you-? I’ll see you out, you have a long road ahead and I was just about to go to bed-” The image of Simon as the big bad wolf asking the Red Hood where she was going appeared in his head.
“I was expecting a warmer welcome,” the man pulled him closer “don’t act as if you didn’t know what I am talking about, lambkin. That smile of yours- asking for it without words, aren’t you?”
Harry tried to pluck his hand once again without any results. “Simon, I really didn’t want to give you a wrong impression.”
“Come on now Harry,” Simon laughed at him. “Your driver disappearing mysteriously, you needing a lift? That is not a coincidence.”
In a short moment when Harry wasn’t paying attention, Simon let go of his wrist to pull his sweater off.
But Harry felt like fighting.
“Let me go!” He slapped Simon harder than anyone before in his life. In the heat of the moment he was able to kick him a few times, but he felt how Simon was inevitably winning. Oreo was barking loudly from
behind the door as he had heard suspicious noises.
The doorbell rang.
“Help!” Harry was able to scream before Simon would put his hand against his mouth. The dog, still locked in the living room, was about to go insane.
Louis appeared in the door like a god of revenge. He went to the photographer who wasn’t able to pull away enough to make his intentions not obvious.
Harry had never been this glad to see a pervert from his streams.
Next few seconds were covered in a haze of relief and adrenalin, being aware of nothing but the fact that Simon was out of the door and Louis was standing in the kitchen, keeping a safe distance.
“You should lock the door.” Louis turned around heading out himself.
Harry seethed in rage “Is that all you’re gonna say?”
“Should I say more?” Louis asked harshly “Fine! First of all- I said so! Second of all- you’re welcome! And finally- lock the fucking door!”
“What were you doing in front of my house?” He knew he was supposed to say sorry or to thank him, but this man was hardly better than Simon.
“I was waiting for someone to come to your house and rape you, hoping he would be dumb enough to do it in your house so I could stop him. Tell me, was the photoshoot amazing? How many of you ended up crying?”
Arguing about the same thing twice in one day was tiring, really, but- “You’re not better! So get your ass out of my house before I call the cops!”
“Happy to do so!” Louis slammed the door shut on his way.
Harry slid down the refrigerator not even trying to stop the tears. He had enough, enough of streaming, the unrequited attention and inability to defend himself. He had always thought he would be able to run away in case of emergency, but he had no chance as he found out.
Louis needed a time away from Harry. To collect his thoughts and create an opinion without lust blinding him. Harry was dying. And Louis was one of the idiots who supported him in it. Harry was right, it was ridiculous.
Harry, on the other hand, was unable to decide whether to stream that night or not. He wouldn’t be able to ignore all the creeps who were doing god knows what while watching him. He couldn’t ignore them now, having tested what they were really like.
But he was lonely. Alone and paranoid as ever. Getting into his house was easier than he had thought. His photos appeared on the forum, but he didn’t have the stomach to read the comments. He just watched in horror how the photos got more likes with every hour passing, wishing someone would report those sick bastards.
If Louis tried to scare him to death, he was successful. Every noise Oreo would make could signalise upcoming danger, he was analysing every sound he heard.
He even called a psychologist who had diagnosed his eating disorder two years ago just to be ghosted by Harry ever since. This seemed to be the right time to call again.
“Harry, I need you to understand that hospitalisation would be the best option for you right now,” the doctor urged him during their first appointment, just a few days after Harry’s phone call.
“I can’t go to a hospital!” Harry had been trying to explain himself, but Payne was deaf. “I would lose my job.”
Liam put on one of his smart faces that Harry hated from the very first moment. “Maybe you need to lose the job in order to go to hospital and to recover.”
“Maybe you are really bad at your job and need to lose it in order for your clients to recover,” Harry huffed quietly, receiving a genuine laugh from Liam.
Since that moment, Liam decided to use a different tactic, one that Harry wasn’t able to see through. He had him talking about his job, reason for reaching out and Louis.
“He’s a fetishist, I think… he seemed really nice at first, but then it clicked. I told him to fuck off and haven’t seen him since the day I called you.
Harry didn’t want to talk about it. He hated thinking about the people who were turned on by his body. He wasn’t this way for some random creeps online, it was for his own pleasure. And they were taking that away from him.
“Isn’t attention from someone like him something you desire?”
“No! God no.” It made him feel dirty, used and defiled. It was disturbing and humiliating, that people would think about sex looking at him.
Harry thought a lot about the feelings he had for being seen as attractive. He was gay, at least he thought he was, but thinking about having sex with someone made him want to vomit his guts out.
He had gone without posting on social media for several days generally trying to disappear. A hoax about his alleged death had been circling around twitter since day two. It came as no surprise anymore, that same lie would pop up every once in a while.
Gaining weight was inevitably the only way to get rid of the creeps. Harry was sure not a single one would try to touch him again once he wouldn’t be like that. People wouldn’t gossip. It didn’t matter whether he liked the way he would look if it freed him from the unwanted attention.
He took a chocolate bar from his nightstand. He had hidden it there for a moment when he would be too sick to get up. He bit off a piece and swallowed it before he would stop himself. He hardly even chewed, forcing the uncomfortably big pieces down his throat, feeling the control he had. The weapon more powerful than the people outside had.
Recovering in order to not be attractive in other’s eyes might be the weirdest reason why, but it’s only about the outcome, isn’t it?
He was curling up in front of his television just a few hours later. He felt nothing but sick from the chocolate. He palmed his boiling stomach with a muffled whimper coming from his lips. His skin was on fire. That would explain the nausea.
He hated it. Hated it all.
Louis reported the forum for child porfography. He was not entirely sure if any of the models was underage, but getting police involved felt right. He was sorry. He was sorry for his behaviour and for Harry.
He couldn’t run away from the boy. Even though he blocked Harry on every site possible, content about him was popping up everywhere. The danger of Harry Styles and Pro-Ana influencers, The dark descent of
Harry Styles or Eating like Harry Styles for a week Challenge.
Harry’s name was written in his phone’s memory now, so it didn’t matter whether or not he would watch these. Feeling curious, he did.
A girl with dark brown hair, whose name Louis didn’t bother to read, started the video with the typical words about how the video was not meant to be a hate and no one should send mean messages to Harry. The fact that she said it in order to keep the content monetised was painfully obvious. Then she continued by saying that she is only going to theorise in the video and that it is unfair to call an unpleasant opinion a hate.
She went on stating that Harry’s videos about clothes were just him trying to show off his body. Louis could not disagree.
“The comments about how skinny he is just feed his addiction.” That wasn’t true. I wasn’t and Louis knew. Harry didn’t do it for others and their opinions. He was genuinely hurt every time someone commented on his body in a negative way. But people didn’t get that.
He stopped the video once she decided that she knew Harry well enough to tell that Harry’s sweet personality was a facade.
Harry was better than that. Kinder than all those idiots combined. A sick boy drove into a corner, scared for his life and living. Okay, showing off his body in such a state was irresponsible, but none of them- they had no idea, they had never met him, but still they felt so well versed in his situation that they would make a whole video about him. They would say that YouTube should have blocked him, that he was dangerous and a terrible person in general.
He wondered whether Harry had seen any of those videos.
Harry was crying. The girl was right. He was nothing but a miserable human being. None of his clothes fit him properly, just like Katie had noted, and he would go on the internet showing off his skin anyway. He didn’t buy oversized clothes on purpose, but he wasn’t able to find anything that would fit him in the adult section.
No one actually cared about him, they had their opinions formed right away. Everybody waited for him to die looking up his channel occasionally to see if he was breathing.
Harry had always thought he was a good person, but lately he had been doubting that. It would be dumb and selfish to call his psychalogist in the middle of the night. He was tempted to do it, to talk to him. To talk to anyone, really. He hadn’t talked to anyone in so long.
Oreo showed up in Harry’s bedroom and barked happily. Harry laughed a little as if the dog had said a great joke. He had gotten used to communicating with Oreo in a way he would communicate with a person. He was too lonely to choose a company.
“Hello little fellow,” he whispered through the heaviness in his throat, helping the dog jump on his bed. He had used to have a very strict rule about the dog not getting on his bed. “Do you want to cuddle for a while, buddy?”
“-The high pitched voice Harry uses is no coincidence, it makes him appear younger and innocent,” the girl on the screen frowned. Harry took a moment to think about the quantity of videos he had already seen that day.
“On the other hand, it could be a side effect of child abuse,” the other girl suggested “which would also explain why we have never seen Harry’s parents.”
Harry stopped the video after that comment and turned YouTube off. His childhood dream had become a nightmare.
He deleted it all. Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr and he marked all his YouTube videos as private. Twitch was the hardest one to let go of because he knew he was going to be alone from then on.
“I did it,” was one of the first things Harry said to Liam. “It’s gone, videos, photos, tweets…”
“How does that make you feel?” Liam asked. He had a real talent for asking the obvious questions.
“I feel alone. I’m alone all the time. I have never noticed that I wasn’t seeing anyone… I did it in the heat of the moment and now I don’t know what I will do to make a living- that’s fun,” he choked out.
Liam said something about his savings being enough for him for years, but he seemed to be interested in Harry’s loneliness.
“I don’t know… do you remember summer breaks at the end of every school year? The way you wouldn’t see your classmates for months because there was no reason for you to talk. The summer after high school I
packed my bags and ran away. I don’t know anyone in this town.”
Liam saw that as an opportunity to meet new people and make new connections. Harry wanted to punch him in his face.
“But everyone knows me! Have you read anything about me online? They hate me and celebrate the fact that I’m gone. They are happy even though they have no idea if anything has happened to me!” Because everyone was better off without Harry Styles.
“They might surprise you,” Liam noted “What if you are too focused on the negative side of things? I bet there are people who miss you.”
“Police took the forum out- the one where Louis found me. Those people liked me.”
“I thought you didn’t like their affections.”
Harry shrugged “it’s better than the hate. Even though they liked me just for this-” he gestured to his body- “they wouldn’t call me names. I don’t need anyone to like me, I just don’t want everybody to hate me.”
Harry felt better while talking about his problems. It might have been just the social contact though.
“How should I feel about attention?”
“I need you to be a bit more specific,” Liam was genuinely confused.
“The people who find me attractive- I feel like I should feel different about them.”
“These are strangers, non being comfortable with this situation is completely normal. Feminists talk about unwanted attention a lot.”
“I don’t want anyone to see me that way,” Harry whispered. He hated this feeling, the powerlessness. There was nothing he could do about being seen as a sexual object. “I get that I had it coming because I was feeding into it, but… Will it stop once I won’t be thin?”
“In a way, it will,” Liam nodded “those who are attracted to your illness might not find you attractive anymore, but it will open the door for those who want to get to know the real you.” Harry didn’t tell him about not wanting to get to know anyone.
“Harry-” Louis hadn’t been planning to meet Harry, but it happened. He should have known better, Harry would run through that park every day, but he had already forgotten his habits.
Harry took a little step back from the man. “Louis.” He knew he wouldn’t hurt Harry in a public space.
Louis wanted to ask him how he was doing, to tell him it was nice to see him. He breathed a sigh of relief seeing him alive. “You’re alive,” he choked out.
Harry unconsciously hid his body a bit more in his jacket. “I’ve quitted it. It was about time.”
“That’s great.”
“Is it?” Harry was so angry with him, he hated him for these dumb coincidences, for being such a know-it-all and most of all for finding Harry attractive.
Louis’ cheeks became red, but not in the cute way. They were filled with boiling blood and embarrassment. “Yes, I think so.”
“Fine,” Harry nodded, feeling a bit more confident. “Goodbye, Louis.”
“Harry, wait!” He received a look full of anger. “I want to apologize- for everything I have done.” Louis couldn’t go his own way, not without an apology.
Harry wasn’t buying it. “What exactly are you sorry for?”
“For- I’m sorry for kind of stalking you… and making you spend time with me and-” his voice cracked leaving him unable to say a word.
“For wanking off to me dying.” Harry completed the sentence, face unreadable. “I’m sorry, but I can’t forgive you. I don’t want to see you ever again.” He turned around and left Louis. He was walking in the wrong direction, but he felt good, even great. He had stood up for himself, invincible.
Having made sure Louis was out of sight, he clapped his hands a little. “You did good, Harry.”
By the time Harry got home he was trembling. It was his fault really, he should have zip up his jacket before he felt cold. He was used to handling these situations anyway, he filled the bathtub with warm water and made himself a cup of tea adding a splash of milk for the first time in years. Baby steps.
The illness was tearing him apart, but he hadn’t realized how miserable he was before trying to recover. Opening a window when taking a bath was a habit he would do without thinking because he had learned the hard way that the amount of steam would make him sick and his head spin. He failed to remember the first time it had happened.
He had been lying in the bathtub for just a few minutes when a sharp pain penetrated his chest. He panted for breath that wouldn’t reach his lungs for a concerning period of time. It was hard to breathe, but he didn’t understand what was going on as it didn't feel his asthma attacks. He even tried to use his inhalator which presumably did nothing.
As soon as the worst pain was over, he called himself an ambulance. “I’m really sorry for taking your time, but I live alone,” he apologised in the middle of the phone call, but a soothing voice promised that he had done the right thing.
The ground beneath his feet was shaking and spinning as he walked through his house, trying to make it easier for the paramedics. Waiting for them felt like eternity, but Harry blamed it on not being used to waiting. He sat down on the porch, not believing his legs would support him.
He had never needed to call an ambulance till then.
He apologised for his panic-three times- to the kind men who picked him up. He really did not want to waste their time. One of them assured him calling them was the right thing to do, but there was something odd about his expression. He even helped Harry into the hospital even though Harry tried to talk him out of it.
A nurse came in a moment to take his blood pressure and listen to his heart rate. She frowned even more than she had when seeing Harry for the first time, getting a doctor present as fast as she could. Harry found a comfort in not being examined by a doctor right away. That meant he wasn’t that sick, right?
In the course of the following fifteen minutes a lot happened, even though it felt like nothing was happening. Questions, measuring, more questions, drip feed, “insufficiency.”
“We have to keep you here for the night.”
“My dog is home alone-” Harry wasn’t trying to resist, but someone had to take care of Oreo.
“You have your phone, call a family member. Dogs are not allowed in here,” the doctor said sternly. Harry had the feeling of not being liked ever since she saw him, but he didn’t blame her considering she was trying to save lives all day just to have dumb patients like him harming themselves.
Moving far away from his parents was a problem now. The last year of their coexistence was almost unbearable and he hadn’t called them since. His neighbours told their kids to stay away from him because they believed he was a drug addict.
Harry was once again reminded of his loneliness. And then the only possibility struck him.
Louis.
It was stupid to call and ask for help just a few hours after telling him to go to hell. But shit happens when you don’t have friends.
He had Louis' number because of the photoshoot and things would be much easier if Harry hadn’t had it in the first place.
“Harry?” Louis seemed to be unsure and a bit worried as he picked up the phone.
Harry spared one last moment thinking about ending the call before it would start. “I need you to help me. Could you?”
“I don’t think I should see you again-”
“Please!” Harry interrupted, “I’m in hospital.”
Louis had made a vow not to get in Harry’s way. “What can I do?”
“Come, I’m in the ICU, I think. I left my dog home and I need someone to take care of him.”
Louis didn’t need anything, but the number of his room. There was only one hospital in the town and it wouldn’t take more than twenty minutes to get there.
Louis was once again reminded of how severe Harry’s state was. His body was hidden underneath a blanket heavier than Louis had ever seen in a hospital. He could see nothing but his head and right hand with a drip feed in it.
His skin was pale and eyes tired. He didn’t even notice Louis for a minute or two.
“Thanks for coming.” He choked out as soon as he realized Louis was there. “About earlier- I’m sorry.”
Louis shrugged “That’s okay.” They both knew that Harry’s apology was not sincere. He didn’t forgive Louis, but there was no one else he could call. If it meant being able to help Harry, Louis was in. “What do I do?”
“There are keys in the first drawer.” Harry didn’t even reach his hand to get them. “His name is Oreo, but say his name with emphasis on the R. Bowls are in the kitchen, granules in the cabinet nearest to the bowls. His bed is in the living room, don’t let him sleep in your bed. Please, take him on a walk every day, twenty minutes will be enough for him…” Harry took a moment to think about other things, adding a carrier box and his favourite stuffie to the list. “There is a phone number to a dog hotel where you could leave Oreo if you don’t feel like taking care of him… perhaps you should leave him there.”
“I’m happy to take care of him,” Louis assured him “just tell me if there is anything else I can do for you.”
Harry, who was not used to being helped by others, stuttered “Well, um… I don’t think so. That’s all.”
Louis took his keys and nodded, repeating every chore in his mind. They stared at each other for a moment when Louis looked back at him for the last time. “Call me if there is anything I could do.”
And maybe, just maybe things were going in the right direction. Harry may have found a friend he had desperately needed for years. Those may have been the gates leading to a life filled with happiness.
Harry never got to call Louis. He died the following morning from heart failure at 2:37 AM.