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The color combination of pink and white would haunt Kazunari for the rest of his life. It was everywhere, from the pansies and lilies adorning the pews, to the stained glass window behind the altar, to the pristine outfits of the bridal party. Even poor Muku's hair would probably cause him flashbacks for the foreseeable future. Flashbacks to the nausea, and to the headache building behind his temples from clenching his teeth too hard. His only saving grace was the weather, the cloudy rainy mess that meant he didn't have to deal with blinding sunlight coming through the windows on top of everything else.
The preacher was droning away in a sermon about undying love and devotion, but the ringing in Kazunari's ears made it easy to ignore. Instead, he focused on breathing slowly. He'd warred with himself over what he was going to do for months, culminating in a panic attack when he was helping Yuki pick out the flowers from the venue catalogue. He'd run to the bathroom before it could get bad, but Yuki had followed him, sticking his foot in the stall door before it could close. Yuki's gentle hands in his hair as he curled on the ground hyperventilating didn't make his decision any easier.
Kazunari had woken up this morning resigned to his fate, but now that the ceremony had begun, he was beginning to have second thoughts. This was his last chance, after all. His final chance to clear up all of the uncertainty that had been plaguing him for years, and that would plague him forevermore if he never spoke up.
He could lose everything. All of Mankai was packed into the pews behind the grooms' families. The Autumn Troupe, certainly, would never speak to him again, and he'd lose the respect and trust of the rest. If he could have been sure of Yuki's answer, it might have been worth it. As it was, he couldn't do it. Wouldn't, he told himself over and over, trying desperately to convince himself.
"If anyone here has any reason why these two should not be wed in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace." The preacher's voice rang out loud and clear across the chapel, and Kazunari's heart stopped beating where it was lodged in his throat. Clenching his sweaty palms at his sides, Kazunari took a deep breath.
And stood.
The preacher was the first one up front to react, his brow furrowing as if he couldn't quite comprehend what was going on. Kazunari spared a split second to feel bad for the poor man who had probably never had anyone go off script before, but then there was a gasp from someone to his right and suddenly everyone was looking around to see why the preacher hadn't continued and then Kazunari felt the pressure of dozens of eyes on him. Shocked murmurs from around the hall rang in his ears and he'd probably have bruises on his arm tomorrow from where Tenma was trying to pull him back down, but Kazunari set his jaw and kept his eyes trained on Yuki. Beautiful, beloved Yuki, who was the last one in the hall to finally look to the lone man standing in the pews.
When their eyes finally met, Kazunari ripped his arm from Tenma's grasp and stepped out into the aisle, eyes trained on Yuki, waiting for the shock on his face to transform into disgust. Anger. Betrayal. Waiting for Yuki to start screaming at him for ruining everything. Waiting to be dragged from the hall for daring to throw a wrench into such a special occasion.
Fear of being silenced before he could explain roiled in his gut, and then it was as if he'd opened a floodgate. He had to speak, had to explain, had to make Yuki understand, and so he dragged the words from his throat, putting voice to the secret he'd held for almost a decade.
"I wasn't going to say anything," he began, pleading. "I swear I wasn't. But I can't do this anymore. I love you, Yuki," he confessed, voice breaking. "I think I always have." Yuki let out a soft gasp, eyes growing impossibly wider, but Kazunari couldn't stop the flow of words ripping themselves from his throat.
"I thought that as long as you were happy, I would be, too, even if it meant you were with someone else," Kazunari continued, eyes dropping to his feet as the secret spilled from his lips like poison. "I tried so hard to never let you know my feelings. I always figured I would wait until you were older, but I waited too long. Watching you with Taichi was like torture. Every time he made you smile, I would wonder what I could do to make you smile like that at me."
Kazunari looked back up to see Yuki's face frozen in disbelief, but it had yet to turn into anything like hatred, and so he carried on, his voice echoing in the otherwise silent cathedral.
"It turns out I'm actually a really selfish person, Yuki," Kazunari confessed with a self-deprecating chuckle. "I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy with ME." Kazunari watched as Yuki's eyes began to water, a single tear breaking free to roll down his face. "I'd always console myself by telling myself we had something no one could ever compete with. An artistic connection. Every time we worked together it was like things would just click into place. Like we already knew each other's minds without needing to say anything. How could we be anything but soulmates?"
Yuki was full-out crying now, matching tears falling down Kazunari's face. There were still things Kazunari had to say, though, and so he steeled himself and turned his gaze to the man who had become like a brother to him over the years.
"Taichi..." he began, almost faltering at the devastation and horror warring on the man's face. "I'm sorry. I know this is the most selfish thing I've ever done, but I had to do it. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, and I'd be honestly surprised if you ever wanted to speak to me again. You're my family and one of my best friends, but Yuki is... He's everything. And even if I have to lose everyone else I've ever loved, if there's even the slightest chance that he could love me back, I have to take it. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't."
Kazunari forced himself to look away from the betrayal and hurt leaking from Taichi's eyes, and back to the man he loved, who was covering his mouth with a hand, eyes bright. Kazunari didn't dare take that as a good sign.
"Yuki," he began, but his voice broke and he had to clear his throat to start again. "Yuki... If there's any part of you, even the slightest part, that loves me, please don't marry him. I'm begging you. We can figure things out later, but I... I can't lose you. Not like this. Please." And there, in the middle of the cathedral, dozens of eyes boring holes into him, Kazunari Miyoshi fell to his knees, forehead pressed to the ground in supplication.
The silence after Kazunari's declaration was deafening, but even worse was what came next: the slow click of heels coming down the aisle toward him. This was it. Kazunari had just thrown away the respect and trust of everyone close to him, all that was left was for the love of his life to crush his fragile, overstepping heart in his hands.
Click. Click. Click.
The footsteps stopped just in front of where Kazunari was kneeling, but he kept his eyes squeezed tightly shut. There was a soft rustle of fabric before hands were cupping his face, pulling his head up from where it lay on the ground.
"Kazunari," Yuki breathed, and how could Kazunari resist that siren call? Slowly he opened his eyes, readying himself to take in what was likely the last glance of his true love that he would ever see.
Yuki was smiling.
"You're such an idiot," Yuki whispered wetly, and Kazunari only had a moment to be confused before his brain short-circuited at the feeling of lips on his. Suddenly there was noise all around, gasps of shock and outrage punctuated by a devastated cry from the altar, all nearly drowned out by the pounding of Kazunari's own heart in his ears.
After seconds or minutes or hours Yuki pulled away, his smile blinding through his tears, and then suddenly they were running. Away from the church and the priest and the flowers and the shocked stares. Away from heartbreak and the mistake Kazunari had almost let both of them make.
They threw open the church doors to find that the drizzle from earlier had turned into a downpour, but Kazunari didn't hesitate. He used their joint hands to lead Yuki into the rain, past the limousine waiting for the married couple, and into the city streets. They were splashing through dirty puddles and Yuki would probably kill him later for making him drag the train of his handmade dress over grungy city blacktop, but Yuki's hand was warm in his and his heart was growing lighter with every step away from the church, and so Kazunari couldn't really bring himself to care.
Suddenly there was a tug on his hand and Yuki was dragging him into a park to their right. Then Yuki's hands were at his lapels and a tree was at his back and Yuki was kissing him in a way that almost made up for the years of pining. The taste of rain would forevermore be associated in Kazunari's mind with the way Yuki's lips welcomed his, opening beautifully beneath his as Kazunari poured every ounce of love he had for the man into his kiss. Deep and sensual, fueled by desperation.
If the rain hadn't already made a mess of Yuki's hairstyle, he would never have dared what he did next, but as it was, he raised his hands to the back of Yuki's head, digging into his hair and pulling him impossibly closer. A soft moan left one of them before Yuki pulled back to breathe, and Kazunari found himself staring into eyes the color of the sunset.
"Yuki," Kazunari panted, "I love you more than life itself." He gripped onto Yuki's hands, savoring the joyous smile he received in return.
("Yuki," Taichi said, "I love you more than life itself." He gripped onto Yuki's hands, fresh tears falling at the joyous smile he received in return.)
"You've made me the man I am, and I would be lost without you," breathed Kazunari, even as the image of Yuki before him began to flicker.
(You've made me the man I am, and I would be lost without you," choked Taichi through happy tears, smiling at his beloved at the altar.)
Kazunari gripped onto Yuki's hands harder, but he could no longer feel the rain, and the park around them was fading, only to be replaced with bright lights and pink flowers.
"Please, please never leave my side," Kazunari pleaded, his voice breaking as his Yuki's image was overridden with another, one who was smiling at someone other than him.
("Please, please never leave my side," Taichi pleaded as he slid the ring onto Yuki's finger.)
And just like that, Kazunari was back, his daydream breaking into a million tiny pieces as two of the most precious people in his life sealed their vows with a kiss.
Tenma was crying next to him, and so Kazunari allowed a few tears to let slip as the happy couple made their way back down the aisle, hand in hand, blinding smiles on their faces. No one was looking at him, anyway.
"Trust the wanwan combi to out-cry even the hack," Yuki said as Kazunari reached the end of the receiving line, rolling his eyes with a badly-hidden smile. "Seriously, Kazu, you weren't even the one getting married."
"Haha," Kazunari laughed, a bright smile fixed on his face. Not so bright as to be suspicious, but with eyebrows raised and cheeks lifted in what Kazunari knew was his most genuine-looking smile, the one he saved to cover his most vulnerable moments. Nothing could cover the puffy, red eyes, but Tenma was sniffling behind him and one of the chapel staff had had to place a box of tissues next to Taichi in the receiving line, so he figured he was safe. "How could I not cry at my precious Yuki and Taichi's wedding? I got to be a part of the happiest day of your lives!" Kazunari enthused, wiping away a fake tear to keep the comment lighthearted.
"Seriously, though," he continued, letting his voice drop into sincerity as he looked between the two of them, "you two are soulmates. You have something no one could ever compete with." Blinking away the water starting to build in his eyes, he flashed a teasing smile and pulled his phone from his pocket. "Now come on, I wanna get a picture with the soulmates before you go on your honeymoon and forget all about poor, old me!"
Kazunari took a few selfies with the happy couple before he started to feel bad about holding up the line and excused himself with a wave. Instead of heading directly to the reception line, though, he snuck out venue door and into the back alley, where he finally allowed his smile to drop. How was he supposed to last through this reception? Getting drunk wasn't an option, not after that incident last year when he'd almost let his secret slip to Azuma. He hadn't touched alcohol since.
"Kazu?" came a voice from the alley entrance, and Kazunari froze, smile snapping back in place. He should have gone farther from the venue, should have known Misumi would come looking for him.
"Heya, Sumi!" he said, turning and walking up to his friend instead of running far, far away like his instincts wanted him to. "Whatcha doing out here? The party's inside!"
Misumi cocked his head to one side, the silence growing before he simply remarked, "Kazu is sad."
"What do you mean?" Kazu asked with a laugh. "Two of my best friends just got married! I just needed a breather from all the excitement!"
Misumi frowned, and panic began to bubble up in Kazunari's chest. Misumi had always been able to see through him at the most inconvenient times.
"Kazu shouldn't smile when he really wants to cry," Misumi said, voice stern. "It's okay. You can cry when you're sad. Here, you can borrow my triangle."
Strangely enough, it was the triangle that did it. When Misumi held out the protractor Kazunari knew had been given to him by his grandpa, Kazunari couldn't stop the tears from coming. He stumbled forward, vision blurring, and gripped onto Misumi's shoulders, leaning his forehead on Misumi's chest so the tears would fall to the ground between them instead of ruining Misumi's suit. It wasn't long before Kazunari was sobbing, great, heaving sobs that tore from his throat and gave voice to his anguish. He'd be lucky if he still had a voice tomorrow.
In a few minutes, we would wipe his tears on his handkerchief, thank Misumi for putting up with him, and march into the reception hall with a giant smile on his face. For just this moment, though, he squeezed his eyes shut and let himself grieve for what could have been.