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The very second Armin Arlert was informed that he'd be returning to Shiganshina along with the rest of the squad on their next expedition, his heart practically leapt into his throat. He hadn't even been anywhere near his hometown since the titan attack five years ago, and he most certainly didn't want to see it again anytime soon. He was sure that the very second he'd lay his eyes on the blood-stained ruins, on the remains of the place he once called home, he'd simply burst into tears. The combination of now bittersweet memories and the destruction of a place that was once so dear to him would certainly bring him great distress, and that was not something he was especially keen to experience.
As he weakly laid atop Wall Maria and tried his best not to look down at the remains of the Scout Regiment down below, he realized he was right. Coming here without a detailed plan and soldiers who weren't ready for ambush had cost them greatly. They had been attacked, and nearly the entirety of the Scout Regiment had been brutally annihilated, crushed under sharp shards of rock until you could hardly tell the corpses apart from one another. Armin wasn't quite sure if this was an honorable or pitiful way to die. He most certainly valued the soldiers' great risk, their will to give up their lives for the sake of humanity's survival, but he couldn't help but think that dying in such a way that you couldn't even be recognized anymore was surely one of the saddest ways to go.
He greatly regretting not opting against the mission, greatly regretted not proposing they come up with a plan before attempting to find the basement, because now one of the people he had idolized most was gone, and he was somehow expected to try and take his place. Maybe if he had been a little smarter, had gotten over his stupid fear of being rejected, they'd all still be alive right now. But he hadn't done so, and that right there was the reason why he'd never be worthy of being the Commanders' successor, no matter how intelligent and quick-witted he was.
Armin felt a lot of things as he looked up at the smoke-filled sky. He felt sadness and grief for the fallen soldiers, he felt furious and angry with Reiner and Bertholdt who had assisted the people who had caused all this, and most of all - he felt guilty. He felt guilty for not being able to think quickly back in Shiganshina when Bertholdt had unexpectedly appeared. He felt guilty that Levi chose him, despite the fact that he knew deep down inside he couldn't have done anything about his choice. Something he felt especially guilty about was the almost happy feeling of relief that flooded him with every breath he took. He felt relieved because Eren was alive. He shouldn't feel relief, shouldn't feel any positive emotions - not when they had suffered losses so great. But he couldn't help it. Because as long as Eren was alive, to him everything was okay. And he hated that. Hated how he could be so heartless at times.
It appeared that even thinking of Erens' name was like speaking the devils', because not two moments after he had let his guilt wash over him he heard him call out his name. Groaning, he sat up with difficulty and let himself adjust for a few moments before setting his eyes on Eren and speaking.
"Eren? Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"I'm fine. Can you just- can you come over here please?" he asked, and his voice sounded so fragile, as though he'd burst into tears at any second.
"Of course. Just... give me second, okay?" Armin answered as he took a deep breath and readied himself for the bout of dizziness that would come with standing. However, it appeared that no amount of bracing could possibly ready someone for the horrible feeling of standing up while in this state, and being on a wall that was a good fifty meters above the ground most certainly wasn't helping. Armin honestly didn't know how he managed to wobble over to Erens' side without falling off, trying his best not to focus on his shaky limbs as he walked.
"Are you okay?" he asked as he seated himself next to his boyfriend. Eren did nothing but shake his head, and Armin knew it because he thought that if he opened his mouth to speak the tears brimming in his eyes would surely fall. He sniffled a little before seemingly regaining his bearings and speaking once more, his voice shaky and watery.
"Can you- um... Can you just sit with me please?"
Armin said nothing, only moving to sit where Eren had motioned him to, confused when he realized that he wanted Armin to sit on his lap with his back pressed against his chest. He understood the odd position a little more when Eren rested his chin on his shoulder, the sounds of his sniffling reaching Armins' ears quickly, before he buried his face in his shirt, his tears forming little wet patches in the material.
Armin couldn't do anything, didn't really know what to do. Given the way they were sitting, he assumed Eren didn't want to be seen crying, so he wasn't sure if asking him if he was alright would be the best move. So instead he simply let him be, feeling the boys' tears stain his shirt. Slowly, carefully, giving Eren lots of time to refuse the contact if he didn't want it, he hesitantly let his hand trail up towards his hair, slowly combing through it in a way he knew helped calm him down. It was quite an uncomfortable position, and he nearly had to bend his arm backward in order to reach, but he didn't mind. As long as Eren felt comfortable, everything was alright.
Soon enough, it seemed that Eren appeared to run out of tears, lifting his face out from Armins' shoulder to reveal blotchy, tear-stained eyes. He didn't meet Armins' worried gaze. He never did, always trying to hide the wet streaks that trailed down his face and the way his entire face went flushed. He didn't like being vulnerable, and so he'd try to hide these kinds of things for as long as he possibly could.
"Er..." Armin whispered as he tried to get a better look at him, to better understand what he was feeling. "Er, are you alright?"
" 'M fine" he mumbled, reaching to wipe the last of his tears off of his face.
"Okay. Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, although he already knew the answer.
"No" he answered, just as Armin had expected.
"That's fine. You don't have to. Just know that this is hard on all of us... There really is no shame in being emotional"
Eren didn't answer, only moving to once again lay his head in Armins' shoulder. This time, there were no streams of wetness soaking into his shirt. This time, there were only soft, stuttering breaths that gradually slowed and evened until Armin realized that his boyfriend had fallen asleep. Sighing, he let himself relax as well, looking over the forest situated right next to the district he'd used to call home. It really would have been beautiful, if it weren't for the knowledge that their enemies had suddenly emerged from there before heartlessly murdering their entire squad.
The hours passed by in a haze, everyone trying to come to terms with the events that had commenced only a few hours ago. Connie and Jean had both fallen asleep while watching over Sasha, Mikasa was staring down at the ruins below, and Armin could not for the life of him understand how she managed to do so without feeling the urge to violently throw up. Hanji was silently tending to Sasha's wounds, and Levi was off god-knows-where probably mourning the loss of one the people closest to him. Eren was still sleeping, his body slumping over Armins' in a most peculiar way that made Armin look like he was carrying him on his back. He was quite glad that nearly everyone was resting, and especially glad that the initial panic that came with Sasha's severe injuries had passed.
"Mmph" he heard Eren groaning from beside him as he woke, his green eyes fluttering open.
"Feel any better?" he asked the still tired boy, hoping the few hours of rest had eased his mind.
"A little" he mumbled, his mouth opening in a small yawn.
"Good. Everyone's pretty much okay I think, and nothing really happened while you were asleep. The Captain's still gone though"
"He better come back before the sun sets. Do you remember how cold it gets here at night?" he grumbled, making Armin smile fondly as he remembered the cold evenings where worried mothers would scold them for staying out so late, telling them they'd catch a cold and to hurry along back home. Oh, how he missed those days. How he missed being a carefree child with nothing to worry about but the vague threat of catching the flu. Something about the nostalgia suddenly gave him an idea, an idea that might just make Eren feel a little better, and maybe even console his own troubled mind.
"Say, Eren, do you mind if I take you somewhere?"
Eren perked up in interest, his eyes flashing with curiosity. "Sure... It's not like we have anything better to do, right? Are you sure we're allowed to though?"
"It shouldn't be all that much of a problem. Worst case scenario we'll just say we needed some time alone to think things over"
"Yeah, I guess you're right... Where are we going?"
"You'll see. I promise you'll recognize it immediately" he said with a smile, clambering off of Erens' lap and helping him up.
Just as Armin had expected, no one said anything as they stood up and made their way down the wall, the only concern they received being a worried look from Hanji. They were both fine with this. Unnecessary questions would certainly be a waste of their time, and it wasn't like their squad members didn't care for them. It was just that nearly all of them were asleep and the ones that weren't understood that people have different ways to grieve and that was best to just leave them be.
"Are we going to the clearing?" Eren asked as they made their way down the familiar path.
"Yeah. The sunset's soon and you and I both know how beautiful it is from there. It'll be nice, don't you think? I thought the nostalgia might help a bit"
Eren hummed in agreement and let Armin intertwine their fingers as they continued their walk toward the place they'd spent most of their childhood days in. Although it hurt to see his hometown in such a horrid state, he had to admit that it still carried with it the warmth of familiarity. The clearing would probably be especially comforting, since it wasn't targeted all that much when the titans breached the Wall, and so it'd probably be found in nearly the same state as it had been the last time he'd seen it.
They finally reached the vast glade, the flowers still growing just as they had before, the old tree they'd laid under still standing proudly as ever, and they both couldn't help but let little tears prick at the corners of their eyes at the memories that accompanied this particular place. Armin slowly let go of Erens' hand, walking over to the tree and simply letting the warmth and happiness of his childhood fill him until the events of today were almost forgotten.
"C'mere Eren. Sit down" he motioned to Eren, who was still standing in place where he'd left him. Almost hesitantly, Eren made his way toward him, sitting down and facing the sun as they watched it set beyond the wall, beautiful shades of pink and purple and orange decorating the sky and basking them both in the glow of the last rays of sunlight. Armin watched as Eren almost seemed to glow as the sun cast a golden hue on his face, noticing how he absentmindedly twirled the small blades of grass around his fingers. He smiled fondly as he remembered how they'd sit here all day and intertwine flower stems together, forming beautiful little rings of all different kinds of colors.
He reached over and picked out a few, his nimble fingers skillfully tying them together until he'd made a little circle of flowers that would fit perfectly on Erens' head. Giggling slightly, he leaned over and gently placed it, watching amusedly as Eren turned to him, obviously confused, and reached up to take the flowers off. Or, at least he tried to. It's very hard to attempt to take a flower crown off of your head when every time you tried to do so your hands would be swatted away.
"Arminnnnn" Eren whined as his hands were slapped away yet again.
"Shh. Stop complaining. It's just flowers" Armin giggled, watching as Erens' mouth formed something close to a pout. "Don't worry, I didn't use any of the ones you don't like all that much, so calm down"
"I like the white ones"
"I know" he replied, smiling as he stared fondly at the crown of white flowers he'd placed on his boyfriends' head. He'd always thought Eren looked absolutely beautiful in white, thought it made his eyes and his hair shine.
"How do you know?"
"You told me. Don't you remember? We were sitting right here, and you taught me how to make them, and you told me how you especially liked the white ones because you thought they were pretty" Armin said, smiling as he remembered the flushed look on Erens' face as he admitted that he had a favorite flower. Seeing as how Eren smiled a little too, Armin assumed that he did remember, and he took the moment of silence as an opportunity to cup Erens' face with his hands and bring their lips together in a kiss that made him feel ridiculously in love. When he pulled back and saw Erens' confused look, he giggled a little before saying:
"We had our first kiss here too. Maybe another one will jog your memory", and then he was leaning in again, crashing his lips against Erens' in such a sweet way, a way that reminded him of when they were just kids, sitting right under this very same tree and sharing small fluttery kisses that made both their cheeks flush a beautiful shade of red.
Maybe bittersweet memories weren't so painful after all.