Work Text:
Dean was not looking forward to it.
It had been three days since Cas gave him the mixtape. The hunter had decided to go out for a drive, and not so subtly, Cas mentioned that he'd like to go with him, and maybe if Dean felt like it, they could listen to the tape.
He wanted to shoot down the idea, but those damned puppy dog eyes got him. He wondered why the hell he had so many people with convincing puppy dog eyes around him. He made a mental note to surround himself with less adorable people.
So, he softened up and told Cas to grab the tape and get in the car. Cas grinned and happily did what Dean said. Dean knew he'd have to listen to it eventually, so he might as well get it over with.
The hunter took a deep breath and tried to clear his head before he pushed the tape in. He heard the click and knew that he was about to be tormented for thirteen tracks. There couldn't be two people with more disparate musical tastes in the world than him and Cas.
He gave Cas an uncertain smile as the tape began rolling and the familiar static of the blank tape came through the speakers ahead of the first song.
************************
- Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor
Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?
"Wow," Dean said as the song hit the bridge. He shook his head a bit.
"What about it inspires you to say 'wow'?" Cas asked, tilting his head.
"I just… uh," Dean scrambled, deciding at the last minute not to rib Cas too hard on the first song. It was an apology mixtape after all. He of all people knew how much painstaking effort went into a mixtape.
Dean hesitated for a moment, then sheepishly spluttered, "Uh, nothing compares to you either, Cas…. This is… uh, she can really sing, huh?"
Cas nodded. "She has an impressive vocal range, yes."
The angel nodded with apparent satisfaction and Dean swallowed his jokes about the song with a slight smile.
- So Sorry by Feist
So selfish
Two words that could describe
Oh, actions of mine
When patience is in short supply
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh, we, we could
Hold each other tight, tonight
Dean had a slight grimace as he listened to this one. He'd never heard it before. He listened to the entire song without a word. As the song seemed to come to an end, he looked over at Cas with a pained expression.
"You aren't selfish, Cas. And you're really patient."
Cas looked back at him, equally pained, and squeezed his leg gently. Dean gave him a wistful smile at the touch.
"I liked the part about holding each other, though. I could go for that."
"As could I."
Dean smiled and squeezed Cas's hand for a moment before putting it back on the wheel as the next song started.
- Back to December by Taylor Swift
So this is me swallowin' my pride
Standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you
Wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
The hunter sighed.
"Cas, this is a break up song. So was the first one. Man, you don't gotta be that dramatic. I ain't leaving . We were just… fighting. But it's gonna be fine."
Cas shrugged. "I just feel that it captures my remorse well."
Dean nodded. "Alright, buddy. It's okay. I think you might be taking this a little hard."
"I don't want to fail at this. I make so many mistakes. I want to get this right," Cas said with an earnest look.
Dean sighed and gave Cas a sympathetic smile.
"You aren't failing, 'kay? It's all good. You're all good. We're not failing. We're learning."
Cas bit his lip and nodded, clearly not entirely assuaged.
"If it helps, y'know… uh… I worry too. I wonder if you're gonna get bored of me or tired of me."
Cas jerked his face up to meet Dean's eye sharply. "Never."
The hunter laughed softly. "Well… likewise."
- Sorry by Justin Bieber
I know you know that I made those mistakes maybe once or twice
By once or twice I mean maybe a couple a hundred times
So let me, oh let me redeem, oh redeem, oh myself tonight
Cause I just need one more shot at second chances
Dean couldn't stop the sass this time. He tried, but it bubbled over almost immediately.
"For fuck's sake, dude. Bieber ?!"
Cas squirmed in the seat under the scrutinizing look. "It… well, he's expressing a desire to apologize and concern that the appropriate time to do so has lapsed. I found it relatable," he muttered with a small sigh.
Dean felt a pang of regret for his outburst, but also amusement at the ever-interesting realization that this immortal celestial being was as clueless as he was.
"Um, well… I forgive you. Already did. Uhh, I guess it kinda does have, um, a catchy tune to it, doesn't it?"
He awkwardly bopped his head to the beat for a few moments with a sheepish smile. "Don't tell Sam I said that or I will never touch your wings again."
"That's not true and we both know it," Cas said, arching one brow.
Dean huffed in light laughter. "Alright, you got a point."
Cas seemed to cheer up at that. Dean tried to quell the feeling of being a little more dead inside at every passing measure of the song.
- If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher
If I could turn back time, if I could find a way
I'd take back those words that've hurt you, you'd stay
If I could reach the stars, I'd give 'em all to you
Then you'd love me, love me, like you used to do
If I could turn back time
Dean just looked at Cas as he recognized the song with a flat look. He slowly blinked twice.
"Cas - Uriel was NOT the funniest angel in the garrison. Not with you around anyway," he said, finally breaking into laughter and shaking his head in disbelief.
"Might not be on purpose, but you are funny, though. You are the Amelia Bedelia of the motherfucking garrison. Jesus Christ, could this be more on the nose?"
Cas tilted his head. "'On the nose'? Whose nose?"
"Oh my fucking god," Dean muttered, rubbing his face with his hands, but unable to stop himself from smiling.
"I love you, dude. Never change," the hunter said, stifling laughter.
Cas tilted his head a bit farther, but seemed to give up analyzing the comment.
"Alright," he said with a shrug and a lingering look of confusion, "I love you as well."
- All of Me by John Legend
My head's under water, but I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginnin'
Even when I lose, I'm winnin'
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
Dean hated the song. Well, it would be more accurate to say that he wanted to hate it.
But...it was actually sort of sweet and touching . So in all actuality, he hated that he didn't hate it. He was sure, however (and he consoled himself with this) that he wouldn't have so much as entertained the thought of not hating it if it was anyone else but Cas.
He didn't say anything, but he gave Cas a sort of watery smile and sniffed a little, nodding. He squeezed his hand once and then kept his eyes on the road and hands on the wheel.
- The Reason by Hoobastank
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so, I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
"Where did you even hear this song? What stations have you been listening to?" His lip curled upward in distaste.
Cas shrugged. "I've heard many songs. Sam gave me the password to his Pandora. I believe I heard it there first."
Dean wrinkled his nose. "He did? He didn't share it with me."
Cas shrugged again. "You seem quite satisfied with your musical selection. He must have assumed you had all the music you need."
Dean shot Cas a slightly offended look. "Sometimes I like new stuff!"
Cas sighed. "That you would let Sam know you're listening to?"
Dean didn't say anything. It wasn't any of Sam's business if he maybe sometimes listened to Radio Disney or Taylor Swift as a very occasional thing.
And he definitely didn't like this song.
- The Apologist by R.E.M.
They call me the apologist
And now that I'm at peak
You know at first it really hurt
We joke about these things
I've skirted all my differences
But now I'm facing up
I wanted to apologize for
Everything I was so
I'm sorry, so sorry
So sorry, so sorry
So sorry, so sorry
"This has to be another song Sam turned you on to. This is like, thirty years old."
"It isn't that old. But I like you. You're older than that."
Dean shot him a pissy look. "Shut up!"
"You are. What?"
"You're fucking ancient . Don't talk to me about being old," Dean grumbled, shifting in the driver's seat with a frown.
Cas just shrugged.
"Most of the music you like is well older than that."
"Yeah, but most of the stuff you like is newer. Demi Lovato and Beyonce and shit."
"That's not true. I was partial to Neanderthal poetry, that's not remotely new. You wouldn't consider it music by modern human standards, but their postcopulatory poetry was quite beautiful and I would argue that it was quite musical."
Dean blinked. "Just- y'know what, okay. Okay, Cas. I don't know how to argue with that."
"You can't really argue with it. Not in any meaningful way. You've never heard it," he said matter-of-factly.
Dean sighed. "Okay. Just… okay."
- Fix You by Coldplay
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Dean was still bitter about Castiel's comment on his age, so he didn't say anything about this song and refused to think it might be an okay tune.
It was sort of melancholy, and it was missing the dramatic, forceful instrumental that swept you up into it. The singer was all… vulnerable and soft. But it wasn't too bad, he decided.
Still, he kept his mouth shut and his eyes on the road, but near the end he accidentally mouthed the words of the last chorus. He stopped when he caught Cas smiling at him.
- Same Mistake by James Blunt
And maybe someday we will meet
And maybe talk and not just speak
Don't buy the promises, 'cause
There are no promises I keep
And my reflection troubles me
So here I go
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake
Dean listened for a while, taking in the words. "This song is really damned sad, Cas," he said softly, his brows drawn together in concern and thought as he processed the words.
"Yes," Cas agreed with a wistful sigh.
Neither said anything more for some time. The haunting vocals and heavy words filled the Impala and it tugged on the hunter's heart to think that Cas had been this torn up. Then again, he had been pretty angry as they were going through it. Cas had fucked up pretty bad with that one objectively, but things were better now. Not all better - the wounds were still there, but they were no longer festering and untended.
Still, the tape, however far off-beat it was from Dean's tastes, showed a lot of Castiel's heart. He struggled to put words to his emotions at times, more so even than Dean. The music was so sad when put into the context of what he was trying to express.
The hunter sighed and gave Cas a look, pleading in his eyes for Cas to take his words seriously and process them.
"You won't make the same mistake again. I know you won't. And y'know… nobody's perfect. Not you, not me, nobody. It's gonna be okay. We're okay, man."
Cas nodded, still looking a bit sad. Dean squeezed his hand for a moment and sniffed a little, and Cas's face lit up.
- Greater Than All My Regrets by Tenth Avenue North
So if I fall and if I fail
I will trust Your mercy is
Greater than all of this
And if I bend and if I break
I'll trust the hands that hold me are
Greater than all my regrets
You are greater than all my regrets
You are
Greater than all my regrets
You are, You are
"Cas, this is a religious song, it's for God or Jesus or whoever," Dean stated flatly.
That didn't sit well with him.
Cas furrowed his brow in confusion. "Perhaps. I don't care who it was written for. It explains my feelings better than I can verbalize."
Dean gave him a concerned look out of the corner of his eye as he drove.
"Well I ain't your lord or God, Cas, so you can get me off that pedestal right the fuck now ," he said, tapping on the steering wheel with each word as if to emphasize them. His voice quivered slightly.
"I am aware of that, Dean. Don't be concerned. I'm so aware that you aren't perfect… and that you cannot single handedly wipe my sins away," he said, rolling his eyes.
"And you snore , which I am certain God does not do," Cas added curtly.
Dean's glance snapped to the angel.
"I don't!" he exclaimed, turning in the seat to look at Cas in offense.
"You do. Sometimes quite loudly. Please, watch the road, Dean," he calmly stated.
The joke did relax him a bit. Cas was just a really intense guy sometimes. He didn't want to be held to some holy standard - that was a concept utterly doomed to fail. But then again, Cas had a complicated view of holiness and god and reverence. When they first met, Cas never would have made a joke about god snoring. Dean smiled. Cas was really something else.
- Next to Me by Imagine Dragons
Oh, I always let you down
You're shattered on the ground
Still, I find you there
Next to me
And oh, stupid things I do
I'm far from good, it's true
But still, I find you
Next to me
The hunter hadn't heard this one before. It wasn't his style, but he kind of felt like the words explained more how he felt than how he figured Cas ought to. It gave him this weird twisting, wistful feeling inside. He kinda hated that feeling on the one hand. But in the other, it seemed so apropos he could help it.
On the last chorus, he very softly sang along, glancing at Cas periodically and reaching over to hold his hand.
"Not true," Dean whispered. Only Cas's heightened angelic senses let him hear it.
"Hmm?"
"You don't let me down, sunshine. You… well, you lift me up," he muttered, barely audible over the noise. He bit his lip and he felt his cheeks get warm with a blush.
More than embarrassment or vulnerability, he felt concern, though. He'd let Cas get this idea of himself that he was a total fuck up. It wasn't true.
The hunter gave Cas's hand a shy squeeze, and a soft smile. He cleared his throat and turned his attention back to the road.
- I'm No Angel by Dido
'Cause I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try and try
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry oh
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly
"Are you fucking serious." It was a statement, delivered flatly, disguised - poorly - as a question.
"I included this one for irony purposes. It's amusing because while it captures the concern and willingness to continue attempting to do better I have and the deepness of my remorse, I actually am an angel. This is also amusing because it touches on humanity's skewed notion of angels, as opposed to the reality that we are quite imperfect. I found the juxtaposition in combination with the irony of the song choice to be very amusing. I hoped you would too."
Cas chuckled at his joke. Dean began to chuckle too, in spite of himself - it wasn't that funny, but Cas's explanation...well, it was pretty damn cute. Cheesy as hell, but cute.
"Okay, dude," Dean said, shaking his head as he giggled. Everytime he thought he was done, he would look over and Cas would be smiling smugly, proud of his joke and that he could make Dean laugh - and he would break into a fresh fit of barely subdued chuckles.
"I guess it is pretty funny," the hunter admitted after the song ended and his laughter subsided.
It was objectively not funny. He knew that. But Cas's developing sense of humor was so endearing. More than that, seeing Cas's self-satisfied reaction to it was very funny.
"Thanks, Cas. I liked the tape. We should make one together sometime."
"I would like that," the angel said with a smile.
"You know you're already forgiven, right? You didn't have to do this."
"It just seemed right. But yes, you explained to me."
Dean gave him a warm smile. "Alright then, let's go home. But uh....Why don't you put in a different tape? You know, just to shake things up?"