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I’ve known Xiaojun for my entire college life. We’ve known each other for 7 years already. We were classmates, then my best friend, Kun, introduced their circle to me, and I joined the group after. He’s a kind and approachable friend. Xiaojun tends to be the quiet type amongst a circle of friends, but when you get to know him, he’ll eventually start to become too loud for you to handle.
Xioajun is the most supportive and understanding friend I ever had. Sorry, Kun, I love you as well, but you always reprimand me when things go wrong. You know I hate that. I found comfort in Xiaojun whenever I confide in him about my problems. He is the type to listen and be open-minded about it, I never heard a word that made me feel insulted. He knows how to make me understand things in a way I won’t feel too controlled. Even with the silliest things I’ve done, he never judged me for it.
“Just let Xuxi go, alright y/n?” Xiaojun tells my drunk self as he comes to hug me. Brushing off the hair off my face, he kisses my forehead. I am super drunk that I couldn’t utter a word, too numb and too stupid. Xuxi and I broke up. I wasn’t happy anymore, so I ended things with him. Xiaojun knew about it, of course, he does, Xuxi told him about it. Xiaojun has been a very good and fair friend to me and Xuxi. No wonder even Xuxi confides in him and they’ve become very close throughout the time they’ve known each other.
I couldn’t count with all the fingers I have the times I’ve bonded with Xiaojun. Be it over a beer, coffee, lunch breaks, spontaneous trips, name it. We became closer after those times I was ‘moving on’ from Xuxi. Well, it was more like Xuxi moving on from me because of the gigantic emotional damage I’ve done to him. But it was none of my business anymore, I need to tend to myself more.
The thing I have with Xiaojun came out impulsively. Something no one between us expected, but we surely needed. Xiaojun is the only person I had a real connection with. I know for sure there has been a connection between the two of us ever since we first knew each other. We just didn’t realize it until we took the next step.
The skin of his face slightly touching my fingertip as I gently rub my thumb on his cheeks. The slightest touch makes my heart race, makes me want to crave for more. I lean in my head to his, as he does the same. His warm breath barely damping on my upper lip, I chuckle at his every exhale. Even with my eyes shut, I could feel his piercing gaze at me.
“Why are you touching my face?” he asks, words almost coming out like a child’s giggle. It tickles him whenever I touch him like that, but he likes it for sure.
“I just love feeling you this close to me,” I say, as I rub my fingers on a faster phase. I’d touch him like this as much as I could, so I won’t forget about him.
It is now silent. Deafening, yet it calms the nerves within us. The silence we love to share. The silence we know isn’t awkward. Xiaojun made me realize that there’s no need to be always vocal about loving someone because even the silence shared between us is enough. Those little stares, the slightest touch, and even that affectionate smile are more than enough for Xiaojun to know that I love him.
Suddenly, his warm and soft lips find mine. The distance between us is close, as we lay beside each other. It is a sweet and short kiss, he tastes like strawberry and champagne. I could get drunk just by feeling his lips on mine.
Opening my eyes, I saw his. They are so round and enchanting. How could something that small hold so many expressions deep within? This is one of the rarest times I could see, hold and have Xiaojun this close. I wish for it not to end too soon.
“I love you, Dejun,”
Those sweet words coming out of my mouth make my heart pound with nervousness and excitement at the same time. Worry fills my mind. Does he feel the same way? Was it too soon to tell? Should I have said a different thing? I wonder and wonder, looking at his eyes to search for an answer. Even just a bit of an answer will do.
“I love you too,” he replies, his gaze at me is like the waves of the ocean crashing through the shore, strong yet calming. I lean in, kissing his lips again after hearing him say those words. Feeling my heart’s about to burst out of my body, delighted at the thought of Xiaojun feeling the same way. The storm of worries within me fades in that instant, a ray of love shines brightly within me.
Sloppy kisses turn to messy ones, with our tongues gliding on each other’s mouths. Teeth crashing and biting my lower lip, it almost bled to its intensity. His hand easily finds the insides of my shirt, as he unhooks my bra. He must be nervous, finding it difficult to discard the undergarment on his own.
“Here,” I say, unhooking the bra myself. A chuckle comes out of my mouth, he is so embarrassed I find it too cute. Xiaojun couldn’t care more about his pride, as his hand gropes my bare breasts right after. Kneading them like there’s no tomorrow. His other hand easily unbuttons my shirt, making me fully naked in front of his eyes.
It was a memorable day. It was the first time I saw him in his most vulnerable state. The first time we made out as couple, it was sweet and sincere. I couldn’t forget every little thing that happened after.
Funny how long I have been searching for this feeling when all this time, Xiaojun is the only person who has it. But there were lots of factors that hold us back, sucks, right? What the hell, let’s just do this. That’s what we said. It was scary, sure. But can we not be selfish just this once and think of what will make us happy? So, we did it, we took the next step. We took the risk, but no one knew. Not even Kun, no one. Imagine the chaos it will unfold when our friends find out about it, especially Xuxi, who’s been a close friend to Xiaojun already. We took the time to hide it from them, and let time prepare them for it. We thought our friends and Xuxi will be the only things that will come against our way of being together, but there is something else. Something stronger, something Xiaojun and I couldn’t handle dealing with.
I was very cautious of my decisions ever since Xiaojun and I became a couple, I didn’t want to ruin everything we had established. I didn’t want to do the same mistake I did with Xuxi before, so I was very careful and open to Xiaojun about my worries regarding our relationship. Maybe I was a bit too open, it made Xiaojun get suffocated.
Xiaojun didn’t talk to me the following days, not a single word was messaged to me. Literally none, it was devastating. I knew Xiaojun well, he really is the type to get off the radar when things are being too much for him. So, I let him be. Even when my mind keeps wondering why he is avoiding me, for what reason is he doing this for, everything that could possibly be the reason was on my mind all day and night.
“We really couldn’t be together, huh,” Xiaojun tells me out of nowhere. What could he mean? Where did this verdict come from? I ask him what he meant.
“I asked for Xuxi’s permission to court you as a joke, he literally said no and got mad at me for coming up with jokes like that,” he says. “So, I guess that’s our signal… right?” he adds, his words sting to my heart. His mouth says what his heart feels otherwise. I know it, I feel it. I didn’t know what to respond, heck who’d be in the right state of mind after knowing this? And so, we ended just like that, no talks, no but’s, no if’s. I feel the world crashing upon my face, burning and colliding little by little.
Days and weeks have passed, and I’ve come to my senses. Maybe we should give it another try; we just need to give it a little more time for them to understand us. That’s what I thought. So, I meet up with Xiaojun to settle it. I am surprised he agreed, and just like that, we are together again. Together again but no one in our friends still knew about it.
I thought it will be fine the proceeding days, but I get more worried about our situation. My overthinking got the best of me, thinking Xiaojun doesn’t really want to do this and I’m just forcing him because I said so. There has been lots of internal struggling and I hate myself for it, so I just cut Xiaojun off out of nowhere. Dropping him the ‘it’s over’ message over a chat. Miserable, right? Just like that, I never spoke to him. Never saw him after that. Never knew what happened to him. Our lives drifted apart too fast for everyone to notice that we were even together in the first place.
A year and few months have passed, here I am. His memories still haunt me at night. I could still feel his arms around me every 2 AM. Our little New Year’s messages for each other, are still like a memory from yesterday. It hurts, still. Even after all the days that have passed, it still hurts me that I have to let him go. I need to, or he’ll lose his friends that he established for his entire college life. I’d rather lose him than him losing all his cherished friends, our cherished friends.
Each day I wake up, the pain in my heart is still evident. But I pray to each day that passes that I wake up one day without it anymore because I know he is fine now. Xiaojun is happy and is living well, and that’s all that matters to me.