Archive of Our Own ^beta

By nature, Kim Taehyung likes to explore. He is a curious person. He has many questions, many ideas, many everything. But he could also be a little irrational. Only sometimes, but he was still irrational. Which is probably why the other members were beginning to get increasingly annoyed at the second maknae.

A good example could be that one time Taehyung had decided to get lost in a foreign country. They later found out he had followed a bee. (“It was lonely.” He had protested.) Another example could be how he had set back a music video shoot in their early days because he had ended up breaking the toilet. (“I didn’t know it would be so fragile.” He had protested.)

So yeah, maybe the members did have a right to be annoyed, but they never said anything. They never say anything. They know that it was just who Taehyung was and is and will be. They loved him and would never want to change him. He was only a teenager. He would mature and grow and learn.

So what if he had accidently leaked a few of their comebacks in the past? So what if he had been rude to a few too many sasaeng fans - as annoying and frustrating as they were? (“It was necessary!” Taehyung had protested after being held back from another sasaeng.) Maybe he was - is - irrational, but they loved him. Taehyung knows this. Bangtan knows this. Even the BigHit staff know this.

And sometimes, Taehyung’s irrationality had saved them. One example was when he had suddenly told them to pull over for no reason at all other than the fact that he had a bad feeling. One minute later, a car crash happens and the other members are left in shock. That could’ve been them. They could’ve been in that crash. And they could’ve potentially died .

Another example of Taehyung’s irrationality saving them was when he had refused to pack the night before they had to leave for their flight home. They missed their flight, but it also meant that the airport had been empty - save for the odd traveller - and they could get to their plane without the screaming fans and the usual pushing and shoving.

So Bangtan didn’t say anything and Taehyung never changed.

And usually they would let it slide. They could see that Taehyung had a “gift” (if you could call it that) and they would never take that small thing away from him ever ...but over time, the members were starting to get irritated. He isn’t the teen he once was when they debuted. He isn’t the naïve boy that was new to the city and didn’t know anyone except from his soulmate, Jimin. He isn’t any of those things Taehyung knows this. Bangtan knows this. Even the BigHit staff know this.

Over the few years since Taehyung had become 19, the other members - mainly the hyung line - were wondering when Taehyung would grow up. When he would mature and stop being so irrational. When he would start thinking before he acted. The transformation didn’t happen.

He turned 20…

21…

22…

And then he hit 23.

Were the members frustrated? Yes. Would they say anything though? No. Well.

So it went like this; Taehyung would do something that no normal 23 year old would do then proceed to be scolded by one of his hyungs or the staff. He would “apologise” (or something along those lines) and then the cycle would repeat. However, with their comeback luring closer and closer and schedules becoming more and more packed, Taehyung’s irritability was beginning to get too much.

At first it was tolerable and Taehyung had felt extremely guilty after the entire ordeal. The second time, nevertheless, happened the next day and maybe Taehyung could be a little excitable, but stress and sleep were slowly taking over the other members' systems and emotions.

The day went like this; today, all the members have individual schedules. Taehyung dyed his hair - ready for the comeback - and was eager to show the members his new dyed black locks. So he made his way from the hair studio, not before thanking the stylist noonas, and headed to the gym.

Jeongguk was there obviously, but Taehyung needed to make a grand entrance, as you do. He practically slammed the door open. He missed the sound of a small thump that came from behind the door.

“Ggukie! Look at my new hair.” The gym was empty- wait, no. Could he hear whimpering? The black haired man turned to see a heap on the floor, a heap that so happened to be Jeongguk. “Kookie? What happened?” Taehyung raced to his maknae, confused as to why he was on the floor. “What hurts?”

“The door. Hit. Head.” The younger whispered and Taehyung wouldn’t’ve heard it if he wasn’t knelt right next to the brown haired. “Wait- Did I hit you with the door?!” Jeongguk gave a strangled answer, but that was enough for the older to feel like he had been run over by a bus. “Oh my god! Jeonggukie, I’m so so so sorry! I didn’t mean to- I- We need Jin hyung.”

And that’s how Taehyung ended up being scolded for the second time in only two days. Again, were the members annoyed? Yes. But would they change their social butterfly for anything? Possibly.  No.

There’s a last straw. Everyone has one. Everyone snaps, at least once, in their lifetime. And Taehyung’s last straw was only three days later. He tried his hardest to be careful because he didn’t want what happened to Jeongguk - who had actually had to go to the hospital because the impact had caused the younger a mild concussion - to happen to anyone else.

Alas, Taehyung couldn’t stay still and wanted to do something for his members. Something nice. Something that would make up for all the screw ups he had made that week. So as soon as he finished his schedule (ahead of everyone else, might he add), he quickly started his journey to dorm. He showered and changed into his sweats and entered the kitchen.

All he wanted to do was make a nice meal for the members so that when they came home, they could eat quickly and get some sleep before their busy schedules the next day. So the eager man brought out everything he would need and got started. He did end up making quite a large mess, but it was okay, he could clean up after. However, when the members came home, they were less than impressed (read: furious).

In fact, ‘furious’ was an understatement. They were tired. They were hungry. They were stressed. And now? They were even more tired. Even more hungry. Even more stressed. And angry. In most situations, all of those emotions coupled together were not going to have a good outcome. And this was one of those situations.

“Kim. Fucking. Taehyung.” Yoongi spits and Taehyung is confused because he had made them dinner, why were they mad? “What do you think you’re doing?” It was true that Yoongi had a soft spot for the maknae line - especially Taehyung - and would normally let them off easily, but he was too tired to deal with emotions to think about what he was doing.

“I made you guys dinner because I knew you’d be tired!” The younger says enthusiastically. “I know I made a little mess, but I’ll clean it-”

“A little mess? You call this a little fucking mess?!” It wasn’t often that Seokjin swore, but when he did, he was way past angry. He was stressed. He was tired. And he really did not want to deal with the tornado that was Taehyung right now. “Why can’t you just grow up?!” Taehyung takes a step back. He wasn’t expecting that outburst. It hurt. Why was his hyung hurting him?

But it looked like Taehyung’s shocked expression wasn’t enough to stop Hoseok from continuing Seokjin’s previous question. “You’re twenty fucking three, Taehyung,” Hoseok was calm. To Taehyung that was even scarier than angry Hoseok. The older continues, “Our comeback is coming up and instead of practicing or helping, you’re making food. ”

Taehyung flinches at the harsh comments thrown his way. His eyes were filling with tears. Who were these people and what had they done to his hyungs? Why were they mad at him? What was going on? “Bu- But, I- I made it for you. I- I was going to clean up- I-”

“Taehyung please.” Jimin interrupted, tiredly wiping a hand down his face. Jimin had called him “Taehyung”. Not “Tae”. Not “Taetae”. Not even “Taehyungie”, his soulmate never used “Taehyung”. Never. Taehyung felt his heart rip in two. “We’re all tired. You’ll probably just make more of a mess. Hyungs will do it.”

“I’m sorry. I only wanted to do something nice-”

“Just got to bed, Taehyung. At this point, I don’t even trust you with a tissue.” Namjoon stopped the younger. Taehyung lowered his head. He watched as his five hyungs brushed past him to enter the kitchen.

Taehyung doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t understand what he had done wrong. He doesn’t understand. He knew they didn’t mean it. He knew they were tired and stressed. But it hurt. They were meant to be his friends. His brothers.

After a few moments of silence, Taehyung cautiously lifts his head to see Jeongguk standing awkwardly at the door. His head still had a patch on it from the hit on the door and Taehyung winces at the memory. “I’m still really sorry, Ggukie. You know I didn’t want to hurt you.” Jeongguk shot the black haired man a small smile.

“I know, Tae hyung. I’m going to go shower now.” The maknae slowly slips away into the hallway leading to the bathroom and Taehyung is left alone. He trudges to his shared room with Namjoon. He slips into his bed, but it doesn’t have the usual warmth that it should have. It’s cold and he feels a little more empty at the knowledge of why he feels that way.

He definitely wouldn’t be able to sleep. He knew they were tired. Of course they were tired. Comebacks took a strain on all of them. They didn’t mean it. They couldn’t have. But Taehyung’s heart had already been shattered. Had already been ripped away. Had already been broken and his mind could only repeat what he had been told.

“...grow up…”

“...you’re putting too much pressure on us…”

“...we’re always cleaning up your messes…”

“...you get in the way…”

The thoughts twisted and turned and strangled and for a second, Taehyung thought he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t escape them. They swirled and twirled and surged around his mind. They didn’t stop matter how much he wanted to. No matter how much he tried. He tried to close his eyes. To try to piece together at least a little bit of sleep. But the thoughts charged and spilled and overflowed. They convulsed and jerked and shaped into something ugly.

Taehyung could hear chatter from the living room. He had always used to say how much he loved having the closest room to the living room because he could hear all the ‘tea that they had to spill’ . Now, all he wanted to do was block them out.

“He’s always so irresponsible. We’re always having to clear his messes. Look at my kitchen!” Jin.

“Maybe you guys are being a little too harsh-” Jimin.

“Jeongguk still has a headache and his head is bruised. Do you really think we’re being too harsh? ” Yoongi.

“You know he was only being nice-” Jimin again.

Taehyung could hear a loud sigh. It was most likely Hoseok. “Look, if you’re going to defend him, you can go to bed.” Yep, definitely Hoseok.

“I know. He really does need to mature a bit.” Jimin. Taehyung mentally slapped himself for having a little hope that his soulmate would be on his side.

“Let’s all just sleep on it. We can talk about it with Taehyung tomorrow.” Namjoon concludes and Taehyung quickly turns to face the wall, forcing his eyes shut. He tried his hardest to even out his breaths, but he could barely breathe at all, let alone actively control it. He heard the sound of footsteps entering their rooms and the slam of doors.

“Tae? Are you asleep?” Namjoon slowly advances, but thinks better of it and switches off the bedside lamp. The dimly lit room turns black. “Okay. Well, goodnight, I guess.” Taehyung listens as the leader clumsily shuffles into bed. The darkness takes over Taehyung and the pour of feelings in his mind.

They kept swirling. They kept twisting. They kept spilling and overflowing until they weren’t little strings of thoughts anymore. They had squished and squeezed into a monster. Taehyung wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to tell them that he couldn’t control it. He couldn’t change who he was. This was his personality.

The monster didn’t care about his personality. The monster didn’t care that he couldn’t change. The monster only cared about what it was capable of and unlike Taehyung, it could change. It only wanted chaos in the vocalist’s brain. It wanted to be fed with the negativity of a thousand souls and more.

The tears streamed down Taehyung’s face before he could stop them. Down. Down. Down. Slowly, they wet his pillow case, seeping into the pillow itself. He didn’t make a sound. He didn’t dare.  He stayed in that position. Eventually the tears stopped. And they dried. And Taehyung listened to Namjoon’s snores as the monster continued to grow and seek havoc in Taehyung.

When the sun was starting to rise, Taehyung turned to look at the digital clock. The red numbers, 06:10 glared at him. The black haired man got up and left the room with a change of clothes. He showered as quickly and as quietly as he could and changed into his grey sweatpants and black top. He shuffled around in his drawers before finding his favourite blue hoodie. With his phone and keys in hand, he left the dorms, walking to the company building.

Normally, the walk would only take four minutes at the most, but the monster inside was strangling Taehyung’s mind. He was finding it harder to breathe as he walked. So to Taehyung, the usual four minute walk, felt like a long, endless road. Unending. Unmoving.

And he did finally enter the BigHit building, he left empty. He felt alone. He would always usually come with one of the members - mainly Yoongi, Jimin or even Jin - but now he had no one. He had to grow up, they had said. So that’s what he was going to do. Grow up.

His first idea was to go to the practice room. And that’s what he did; Taehyung went to the practice room, turning on the speakers and practising like his life depended on it (which in retrospect it does). He didn’t want to hold them back. He couldn’t. They needed him to be at his best. And so he practised. And he practised. And he practised.

And he made a mistake. And then he started again and made a different mistake. And the mistakes piled up and he would start the music from the top. And then make a mistake again. And he tried and he tried, but the mistakes never stopped happening.

And he practised until he collapsed in a heap on the floor. The music had distracted him enough that the monster had gone, but that was merely an illusion and by the time the music faded out, the last stretched note finished, the monster (and therefore the thoughts that trailed behind it) engulfed him.

“...they hate you...”

“...you aren’t friends...”

“...they only pity you...”

“...you need to mature...”

“...just grow up!...”

Frustrated, Taehyung throws his head up and lets out an angry cry. Thank god for soundproofing, he thought to himself. Why couldn’t he do what they wanted? Why was he always behind? Why couldn’t he be rational?

“Sunbaenim?” Taehyung turns his head and there at the door is no one other than his hoobaes, tomorrow by together. And now he really wants to cry because his juniors had seen him like this. Like a mess. Raw. Emotional. “What do you need, boys?” Is all he’s able to croak out because what was he supposed to say.

“Sorry, Taehyung sunbae, but we have this room booked.” Soobin steps forward, speaking for the group. Internally, Taehyung smiles fondly because, even in the small things, Soobin is a good leader. Externally, he stands and gives them a small wave. “Sorry, guys. I’ll get out of your hair.”

“It’s okay, sunbaenim. Have a good day!” Hueningkai waved as the older man left the practice room. He didn’t have music to distract him now. Before he could even think about that, a staff member came running up to him in panic. He stands patiently as she catches her breath. “You’re late. Your photoshoot. Late.” She says in between breaths.

Once Taehyung had grasped what the staff member had said, he gasped. In all his wallowing and being consumed by the monster, he hadn’t even remembered his schedules. He berated himself for being so careless. This was going to be something that his members could add to the ‘Why We Hate Kim Taehyung’ list. The thoughts that make themselves present help the monster to grow more. To create more havoc, more chaos. And Taehyung loses a little more of himself in the process.

The photoshoot had gone horribly and the only person that had acknowledged Taehyung’s existence (apart from the stylist noonas for obvious reasons) was Jeongguk. The next time Taehyung is able to get hold of the time, it’s 3.39pm and he has missed lunch. Not that he had an appetite for anything anyway. The photoshoot had overrun, much to the displeasure of everyone. Their entire schedule had to be pushed back and now they were behind.

The members were annoyed; Namjoon was stressed with all the extra work he had to do as leader. Jimin was just getting tired of trying to defend Taehyung. Yoongi was angry because he had songs to finish and now he couldn’t. Hoseok had a dance to choreograph. Seokjin was stressed with his solo song coming out. And Jeongguk was just tired.

“Taehyung. We need to talk.” It’s Namjoon that stops him from advancing to their room. So he walks to the couch and sits far away from the other members so as to not burden them anymore. Jeongguk shuffles a little closer - close enough that it’s comfortable, but far enough away to not be overbearing - and Taehyung gives him a small appreciative smile.

“We all talked last night.” Namjoon opens, facing Taehyung, “we agreed that we were a little harsh yesterday and we want to apologise for hurting your feelings.” And ok, Taehyung had not been expecting that. Why were they apologising if they were right? So he nods because what else does he do in this situation? The monster continues to strangle and he is barely able to focus on what the members are saying.

Seokjin is last to say his apology, a look of guilt is on his face. “I’m sorry about what I said. I was tired and stressed and I took it out on you and you didn’t deserve that.” Taehyung only nods again. The monster doesn’t let him believe a word. It feeds him the words, but twists them into words of malice and soon enough, Taehyung can’t tell the difference between the truth the members are telling him and the lies of the monster.

“...they're lying...”

“...they don’t love you...”

“...they just don’t want to keep their guilt...”

“It’s okay. It didn’t hurt that much and I know you didn’t really mean all of it.” Taehyung is barely able to get out. The monster is overwhelming his senses and he doesn’t know how much longer he will be able to act normal in front of the others. So the vocalist offers a small smile and hopes that’s enough. Jeongguk has a small frown on his face, but proceeds to stay quiet.

Taehyung makes to stand, but Yoongi’s hand grabs his wrist and he is seated back on the couch with a light, but firm pull. “We’re not finished yet. There is one more thing we wanted to say.” So the black haired man makes himself comfortable again and waits for them to continue. Jimin begins to speak somewhat hesitantly. “We all think that a point was made yesterday and we do all think you need to...”

“...mature.” Seokjin says, interjecting the ‘95 liner.

“And that doesn’t mean we don’t like you now!” Hoseok screeches not wanting Taehyung to misunderstand.

“Liars.”

“We only want what’s best for you.” Taehyung nods and gives the smallest reply he could, “okay.” The hyungs blink. They hadn’t been expecting that. “Okay?” Jimin asks, unsure of how to carry on the conversation. Taehyung nods, “okay” and then he stands (no one stops him this time). “I’m going to bed, goodnight.”

“What about dinner?” Taehyung turns to face Seokjin. In all honesty, he is starving. He hasn’t eaten all day and his body isn't doing very well without the regular food in his system. “I’m not hungry.” And with that he walks off. He grabs a random outfit to wear to bed and heads to the bathroom. The tears sting his eyes as he gets in.

The water is cold. Taehyung can’t bring himself to care. He couldn’t think, not that he really wanted to anyway so at least he could get something out of this entire endeavour. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t tell the difference between the lies and the truth. Between the real and the illusion. He just wanted everything to stop. He wanted to be able to take a breath.

He finished his shower, but he didn’t feel clean at all. He felt tainted, scarred. He could feel the monster of thoughts overtaking him, coursing through every vein and bone in his body. It only grew. And Taehyung loses a small piece of who he is with each passing second. He enters his shared bedroom and climbs into bed. He knows fully that he won’t sleep and so he is on twitter again.

@tasha 7 |MOTS7comeback

‘has anyone else noticed how annoying taehyung can be’ a informational video

youtube.com/watch?v=Bg+list=Gshauyfoindex=8

Taehyung clicks on the link and finds a YouTube video. And true to its name, it shows a compilation of different videos as evidence of Taehyung annoying the other members. Watching them, Taehyung can see that the members looked annoyed, but then he had assumed it was a playful annoyance. He guesses he was wrong.

And so the monster keeps growing even though there is basically no space left to fill in the vocalist. It twists and conjoins and intertwines with every thought, every strangled breath, every second. Taehyung made his decision that night; he was going to mature and he was going to make the members happy.

The next day, he was the first to wake up, the first to leave, and the first to arrive to his schedule. He had managed to acquire a final schedule for the next two months and had stayed up all night to set alarms on his phone.  So he was first. He was there. He wouldn’t be late again. He would stay quiet and do his job.

Meanwhile, the members were impressed with how quickly Taehyung was able to listen to them and stop his kid behaviour. At first. At first, they didn’t notice the skipped meals that he didn't have an appetite for. At first, they didn’t notice the shed tears at night. At first, they didn't notice the more frequent gym visits with or without someone.

They didn’t notice the spiralling downfall of their second maknae, succumbing to the monster inside his mind. And that at first lasted two months.

So it went like this; Taehyung wakes up first everyday (not that he slept anyway), he leaves the dorm after a shower and a change of clothes. He practices choreography or goes to the gym or for a run. He doesn’t eat breakfast. He rarely eats lunch. He eats dinner, but never finishes it. He doesn’t eat snacks unless they are offered to him.

After the first month, he doesn’t feel anything. Taehyung is so used to his new routine, to his new way of living, that he is now numb. His laughter is forced - as is his smile - and he doesn’t play games anymore. He doesn’t want to feel numb. He wants to feel. He wants to laugh. He wants to smile, but the monster won’t allow his happiness. It lives in every bone in his body. Every tissue. Every cell.

So does something he hadn’t ever thought of doing before. Something he has never done before, he buys a blade and waits until he is one hundred percent sure everyone is asleep before going into the bathroom and brings out the blade. It glistens when it hits the dim bathroom light.

Taehyung sits in the bathtub (it would be easier to clean) and leans against the wall. Then he watches as the blade makes contact with his left arm. The first thing he thinks is it’s cold , but he continues and creates the first cut. He doesn’t even flinch. He observes the blood as it starts as a trickle and turns into a pour. And for the first time in a month, Taehyung smiles.

The pain lights his arm on fire, and his eyes sting as tears make their way down his cheeks, but he smiles. He could feel the pain. He could feel something. And it feels amazing. And so he does it again and again. And he cuts again and again and again. And by the time he finally gets up and starts to clean, his arm is littered in cuts, but to him all that matters is that he can feel.

There are dried tears on his face and his eyes are red, but he is happy. He had felt something. He had felt something and he didn’t feel as numb as before now. He creeps back to his room and slides into bed. He listens to Namjoon’s snores as he is finally - finally - able to sleep.

Taehyung continues this throughout the second month. Not everyday, that would be too suspicious and too obvious, but on the days when he needed to feel something. When he needed to satisfy the monster within, he did it. The vocalist waited until the other members were asleep and then went into the bathtub and did what he had to do.

The next month was better. Taehyung finally felt in control. He actually finished his dinner (although, he still rarely eats lunch and breakfast was still a hard no). He was starting to get actual sleep instead of small three to twenty minute power naps. He was smiling. He was laughing and the members never suspected a thing. Everything was basically perfect.

But nothing good ever lasts long. It started when a stylist noona was trying to find an outfit for their photoshoot, but they were all too big. “Are you on a diet, Taehyung ssi? All the clothes for you are too big.” Taehyung shrugs, but doesn’t really let it affect him. It’s not like he had been skipping meals on purpose; he was only trying to please people, eating just hadn’t made it on the list.

He was in the gym when the door burst open. Seokjin and Jimin making an appearance in front of the younger. Taehyung lifts his head from the ground. “What can I help you with hyungs?” Jimin looks a little upset and Taehyung notices the dried tear tracks lining his face. Seokjin had a disappointed look.

“Care to explain why #letVeat and #savekimtaehyung are trending on twitter?” Jin asks, blunt as always. Taehyung’s eyes widen significantly at that and if it wasn’t for the current situation, Jimin would've cooed at the small confused face his soulmate was making. But, alas, this is not the time for jokes and Jimin opens his mouth to ask the dreaded question.

“When was the last time you ate, Tae?” Taehyung stops and has to dig deep and think. When was the last time he had eaten a full meal? He can’t remember. He thinks and thinks and his stomach starts to twist and he doesn’t know when he last ate and his mouth suddenly feels significantly dryer than it was five seconds ago. “I- I can’t- I don’t know.”

Jimin gasps and turns away, probably about to start crying and Seokjin just sighs before telling Taehyung to pack his things because “we’re going to go fill you up.” And he wants to tell them that he hadn’t done it on purpose. He hadn’t purposefully ignored meals. He just didn’t have an appetite for them. And he wants to explain, but that means questions and he doesn’t know if he can answer them without letting too much slip.

On their way to the dorms, Taehyung’s stomach twists and turns and Taehyung knows that the monster had decided to take residence in this particular part of body. It had shrunk at the start of the second month - when he started cutting himself up, when he had started to smile again - but now it was multiplying, it doubles, triples, quadruples while still containing itself in the small space of Taehyung’s stomach.

Jin and Jimin waste no time in getting Taehyung to sit at the table as they throw together something. Anything so that their precious vocalist can eat. It only takes a few minutes and a bowl of chicken noodle soup is placed in front of Taehyung.

He eats it without fuss. They watch. He finishes it without fuss. They watch. Jimin takes the bowl from him when he is done and sends him to take a quick rest. “What about schedules?” Taehyung protests. “We still have so much to do. Our comeback is in two weeks!” Jin just shakes his head. “Namjoon already cancelled all your solo schedules and we have an evening group practice so you can rest until then.”

Taehyung cuts that night. He hadn’t been planning on it. His day had been going alright, but he had made people worry for him. He deserved a punishment. He had managed to make the members even more stressed and he had wanted the opposite. They were worrying about something that didn’t matter.

And so he cuts. He cuts for making ARMY worry. He cuts for making staff members worry. And most importantly, he cuts for making his members worried for him. For adding more stress on their backs. For being himself. For existing. And then his thoughts are spiralling. He had never thought about killing himself. He would never. But the option was right there in his hand. All he had to do was put it in the right spot. It would be so simple.

He doesn’t, but the thought stays with him all through the night. It stays swirling while he showers the next day. It stays turning when he leaves for his first schedule in the morning. It stays twisting all throughout the day. The day that, to put it simply, was absolutely horrible.

Everyone offers food with pitying eyes and hopeful smiles. He takes them (they’re watching him and he can’t be rude). He hates the pity. He hates the hope. He, again, wants to scream and tell them he didn’t plan this. He didn’t want to skip meals. He never wanted this. But he doesn’t. They wouldn’t believe him anyway. What’s the point?

He goes through the day accepting fruits like apples and oranges. He accepts vegetables like carrot sticks. He accepts snacks like protein bars and milkshakes. He doesn’t refuse because they would tell him it’s for his own good. And he knows this. He knows. But he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t want the food. He doesn’t want the pity. He just wanted to mature. To please the staff and ARMY and the members.

So continues to accept the food. Forcing a smile whenever it’s thrust into his hands and shows that he hasn’t thrown it away. And when he gets back to the dorm - way past midnight - he collapses into bed. He doesn’t shower or change, he sleeps. And it may have only been for two hours, but at least it was something and at this point, Taehyung was ready to take anything.

He wakes up the next morning and completes his usual morning routine. He arrives at the first schedule - early again, as usual these past two months - and goes through the day doing what he does best; he pretends. He accepts the food pushed onto him (luckily, it’s died down today) and he does exactly as told so that he doesn’t get scolded.

Two weeks later and their comeback is tomorrow. Taehyung sits in the bathtub again. By now, he’s run out of space on both his arms and has moved site to his thighs. He doesn’t even know why he’s cutting now. The monster had already taken over. It had already created something ugly that now sits deep within him. He lets out a sigh as he rests his head against the tiled wall. The monster runs rampant in his mind.

“...just one precise cut and it’ll all be over...”

“...one simple cut and you never have to go through this again...”

And it’s tempting. It’s so tempting because all Taehyung wants is to stop. Is to go back. To reverse time and be his old self. He no longer cares about what the members think about him. About what ARMY thinks about him. Or even what the staff think about him. But he is too long gone. He doesn’t think his old self even exists anymore.

And so he stays - blade in his hand, blood drying on his legs, head resting on the wall - and he thinks about what it would be like now if he hadn’t tried so hard to change. If he had stuck with his original self. He thinks of what the old Kim Taehyung would think of him. Most likely disappointed. He stays and thinks about BTS and what would happen if he left now. If he just cut that spot and let the blood pour out. If he waited for death to hug him and take him away.

“Is anyone- Holy shit.” Taehyung’s head whips up and there stands Jeongguk. Sweet adorable Jeongguk, who loves his hyungs so much and has been the only one to actually care about Taehyung and not tell him to grow up. Jeongguk’s brown doe eyes are wide as he takes in the scene in front of him. He slowly backs away and runs and Taehyung lets him.

The older vocalist stays quiet. He had expected this to happen. He knew it would happen eventually so he sits, stuck inside his mind. He lets the monster grow, not too worried because he didn’t really have anything else to lose. What else did he have to care about?

“Taehyungie! What the fuck?!” Jimin comes running in and throws himself on top of his soulmate, completely ignoring the blood. The navy blue haired man has tears streaming down his face as he screams questions at Taehyung. Taehyung gently pushes the older off. Why did he suddenly care now? What happened when he had needed defending?

“Tae- why?” Namjoon asks the question. All the members stand in the bathroom and all Taehyung can think about is how they hadn’t noticed. Of course, he didn’t want them to, but… they hadn’t noticed. He had been wearing long sleeves a lot and he was still losing weight despite being on a healthy diet. Did they not need more signs?

“Why do you think they didn’t notice?”

“...they never cared about you...”

So Taehyung breaks.

"Isn't this what you wanted? You told me to grow up! To stop being a child! What else must I do? What else must I do for you to accept me?!" His sobs bounce off of the walls of the silent bathroom. One thought flits through all of their minds:

"We fucked up."

Taehyung’s sobs can be heard loud and clear and Jimin, the closest to him, is hugging him. They all feel so stupid. How had they not known. Jeongguk is standing in the hallway, crying. He doesn’t know if he can look. His hyung has been suffering this whole time and he had no idea about any of it. He hadn’t noticed and he feels so stupid.

The hyung line are all on the verge of tears as they berate themselves. They had been too harsh. They thought that Taehyung knew they didn’t mean it. Of course they had been impressed when Taehyung matured instantly after their conversation, but they didn’t think he would resort to this.

“H- How- How long?” Hoseok asks. The first to speak after Taehyung’s outburst. Taehyung stays silent and everyone holds their breath, scared for the answer. And as they rightly should. “A month.” Taehyung replies and everyone gasps. Jeongguk and Jimin’s cries get louder and everyone else is left in a state of immense guilt.

“Taehyung. We- We are so sorry that we didn’t notice. We didn’t know- I-” Namjoon is at a loss. He is in too much shock to actually be able to function and lead like he is meant to. What does he do in this situation? He stands, his eyes filing with tears (from the frustration of not knowing what to do or the fact that Taehyung had been self harming for a month, he isn’t sure).

“Jin hyung, get Taehyung some bandages and band aids. Jimin you have to let go of Tae. Jeongguk get Tae some water. Namjoon please carry Taehyung out of the tub and help clean him up with Jin hyung. Hoseok help me clean.” Yoongi instructs. He too was struggling to keep it together, but someone had to take charge and it didn’t look like anyone else was going to.

And so everyone else got to work. Taehyung was pretty much out of it throughout the whole thing. His mind was blank. The monster was gone. It hasn't disappeared. Taehyung knows better than that. He knows that it has gone away. But it’s almost like being discovered has ruined it’s fun.

And Taehyung feels something he hadn’t felt in a long time. He feels hope. He feels hope for the future and all it has to bring. He feels that maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright again. Maybe things will go back to normal and everyone can forget these past two months ever happened.

“I should call the managers, shouldn’t I? It’s not like we can perform tom-”

“No!” Taehyung interrupts from where he sits, Jin bandaging him up. “I can still perform! I’m fine!” Namjoon raises an eyebrow and gestures to state the vocalist is in. “How can you possibly call this fine?”

“The comeback is tomorrow,” Taehyung deadpans. “I’ve been fine. I can handle a few performances.” The members look at each other. They don’t know what to do. On one hand, they don’t want Taehyung to get even more hurt. They don’t want him to pass out or have to go to the hospital. But on the other hand, last time they had decided what was best for him, it hadn’t gone well. They didn’t want this to be a repeat.

But they also didn’t want to disappoint ARMY. Their fans had been waiting for this comeback for so long and it wouldn’t be right or fair to just rip it out from under them. “Fine. But   you have to see someone professional about this.” Namjoon sighed. Taehyung didn’t have it in him to protest. He got to perform and if that was all he could take. He would take it.

And so they performed. Despite the protests, Namjoon managed to get the promotions for their newest comeback shortened. Taehyung would have to deal with it. He never left another member's sight after that. His schedules were always with someone else and he never slept alone. Always sharing a bed with Seokjin or Jimin or even Jeongguk on some more vulnerable nights.

It didn’t happen spontaneously. He didn’t just go back to being his old self straight away the next day. It took time. It took patience. And the members were more than willing to wait. Taehyung started seeing a therapist - three weeks later - as soon as their promotions ended. He always went with a member. The therapist was nice. He would never pressure the vocalist and never tried to pry. He just let Taehyung speak when and how he wanted to.

So yeah, by nature, Kim Taehyung liked to explore. He was a curious person. He had many questions, many ideas, many everything. And he could also be a little irrational. But the members loved him. And would never change him for anything in the world. And this time,

They meant it.