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Taeyong sees him the moment he shows up at the dinner that Yuta’s hosting in the rooftop of his and Doyoung’s apartment. Jung Jaehyun. The sound of the name alone sucks him into a nostalgic memory lane of his youth. It’s melancholic, bittersweet, but delightful nonetheless.
The man spots him immediately as well and they give each other curt nods and tight smiles. He’s still as handsome, Taeyong thinks, if not more and the thought makes him shiver because it’s quite a dangerous territory to breach, not now or ever, because after all he’s the one who ended things between them years ago.
“Are you cold?” Doyoung asks worriedly beside him as they lean against the railings. “Maybe we should go back to the table, it’s warmer there.”
He shakes his head. “No, in fact I’m feeling hot all of a sudden. Just let me refill my glass, though.”
Jaehyun is there too, looking snug and chatting with the rest of their friends, and he contemplates whether he should just ask Doyoung to do it for him but then he thinks there’s no use in avoiding the man for the rest of the night. They’re here because Yuta had wanted them to get together before he goes indefinitely to Japan for his job and he doesn’t want to ruin that by being petty from a break up which happened years ago. Not to mention it wasn’t even one of those messy ones which end up both of the parties holding a grudge against each other, no, it was smooth and mutually concreted.
Doyoung seems to understand this when they near the table. “Oh. Tae, I’m so sorry for not telling you beforehand. I’m totally guilty but I also didn’t want you to not come just because he was invited too. You’re my best friend and you know I’m gonna miss you like hell when I’ll go to Japan.”
“Doie, I’m not mad and I would’ve come even if I knew. It’s just that… It’s been so long.”
Doyoung nods and offers an assuring squeeze on his arm before they walk up to the table.
Yuta’s eyes twinkle when he spots them and he clings onto his boyfriend’s arm instinctively, rubbing his head repeatedly against it like a dog. Doyoung pats his head tenderly. “Oh! Do you want another drink, Yong? I’m so sorry but I think we’ve already quaffed down all of those in the ice box. Dons, do you mind if I ask you to bring up the ones left in the fridge?”
Before Doyoung can agree, Taeyong quickly interjects. “It’s okay, I’ll do it.”
“You still might need some help though—“
“I can help,” Jaehyun joins in, promptly standing up from his chair, the sound it makes against the floor making Taeyong’s heart jump, or maybe it’s just his voice which he didn’t get to hear for so long. It’s still the same melodious voice, soft like a feather despite its incredibly low range. It still makes Taeyong feel things. “I need to use the bathroom, anyway.”
The short walk towards the apartment is agonizing. He doesn’t say anything and neither does the other man. He doesn’t know what to say, frankly, and he wants to curse Jaehyun’s brilliant mind for suggesting such idea which leaves the two of them in the presence of each other alone. It’s awkward to say the least and he feels so uneasy and self-conscious that Jaehyun has been staring silently at him since.
He takes a calming breath. “Jaehyun, I’m so sorry—“
“No,” the man cuts him off gently. He’s smiling. “There’s no necessity for apologies for what happened between us, Yong.”
Taeyong smiles back, although a little bit unsure. “Okay.”
They step into the apartment and he quickly directs Jaehyun to where the bathroom is located before he goes to the kitchen to fetch the drinks. He mechanically places them into the ice box, one by one, quite there but also quite not, before the moment hits him like a truckload of feels. He takes a breather, holds onto the edge of the sink because what the hell. He just talked to his ex. Speaking of which, his eyes widen when he remembers something.
He sprints toward the bathroom just in time Jaehyun starts to knock on the other side of the door. “Uh, Taeyong, are you there? I think I just locked myself in here.”
“Oh my God! I’m so sorry, I totally forgot to tell you the lock is jammed,” he hurries to explain. “Can you move away from the door? I’m going to kick it open, okay?”
“Okay,” Jaehyun murmurs and his voice is laced with something light, like he’s suppressing himself to laugh in the midst of the situation.
Taeyong ignores the tingle in his stomach and goes to kick the door forcefully multiple times until it finally busts open. Jaehyun is clutching onto the sink, looking very much like he didn’t get locked in the bathroom just a second ago and he’s got an astonished smirk on his face that makes Taeyong go red from embarrassment.
“I’m so sorry again,” he squeaks out.
Jaehyun’s expression softens and he walks up to him, catching him by the elbow with the gentlest of touch. “It’s okay, Yong, and thank you. Are you hurt?”
“No, it happens all the time when I come by. Yuta is an idiot who constantly forgets that his own door is broken. I just didn’t expect to be kicking on doors the first time we see each other again,” he jokes.
Jaehyun laughs heartily that his eyes crinkle and the pools of his dimples appear adorably, and really, that’s all it takes for the uncomfortable tension that’s been lingering to dispel. “I don’t think I would want to exchange that for anything, though. Besides, why didn’t they get it fixed?”
“Eh, they’re leaving anyway so I assume they don’t see the need to fix it. Plus, it doesn’t really get jammed all the time, depends on your luck. Yours must be awful.”
Jaehyun’s mellifluous laughter trails behind them as they amble back towards the kitchen. “You knew I always get the short end of the stick between us when it comes to luck,” he says then quietly he adds, “You have always been my luck, Taeyong.”
Taeyong clears his throat, taken aback by the sudden confession on Jaehyun’s part. He isn’t sure why he said that or why he thought it would be fine to say that in the first place when those words don’t hold any meaning anymore. The next course of action he decides to take is to deliberately feign ignorance and send the man a tight lipped smile.
He also doesn’t try to converse after that as they both carry the now filled ice box back up the stairs and into the rooftop where the sound of their friends’ laughter allows him to breathe again.
The rest of the evening goes smoothly and he and Jaehyun fall easily into the lull of idle conversation about their current lives and the experiences they’ve all shared in college. This is great, Taeyong thinks, because he’s genuinely having a spectacular time despite the compelling presence of a certain man from across the table who keeps his eyes steady on him the whole time. He feels irrationally shy for having to receive this kind of attention from Jaehyun.
It isn’t until the hosts are sending off their friends that Jaehyun approaches him again, a hand taking purchase on his arm.
“Do you have a ride, Yong?”
Taeyong blinks. “Yeah, I came here with Taeil.”
Jaehyun lowers his hand in an instant, as if burned, and his shoulders drop too. A sheepish smile paints its way into his features. “Oh, I’m sorry. I completely failed to consider the possibility that you’re, um, you know…” he trails off abashedly.
“Oh. No, I didn’t mean it that way. We’re not dating,” he laughs, taking a courageous move to look at the man straight in the eyes. What he sees there ignites something that shouldn’t even burn in the first place, like embers which didn’t really put out after you’ve poured water into it. It’s just there, waiting for the wind to bring it back to life. Jaehyun’s eyes seem to be that element and Taeyong, he’s been waiting. He bites his lip. “I’m not dating anyone either, if that’s what you meant.”
Jaehyun’s lips slowly stretch into a smile and it’s so genuine that Taeyong wants to give in, to what he doesn’t know.
“Can I take you home, then?”
“You don’t need to, Jaehyun, but thanks for the offer. As I’ve said, I already have my ride.”
“No, I mean. I just want to talk, Yong, just you and me. You know, catching up and stuff.” I missed you, hangs thick in the air but remains unsaid.
Taeyong knows he’s setting himself up for hurt when he accepted Jaehyun’s offer of taking him home. Still, he takes the spare helmet, mounts himself onto the bike, and lets the man whisk him away into the night.
They didn’t realize that the dinner and drinks had lasted later than what was initially arranged until they couldn’t find a single place open except for the dingy little convenience store squeezed in a gasoline station.
They’re nestled in a corner facing the window eating instant ramen and corndogs on a stick to somewhat sober up their stomachs and partly out of habit from old times. Back then, it was their own little thing because Jaehyun had a tendency of pigging out on unhealthy meals as a broke college student and he would drag Taeyong along with him whenever he would get too stressed out on his academics, and those were most of the times.
Taeyong quietly studies the man beside him. Now that he’s able to gaze at him up close and more clearly, not the dimmed lights of the candles from the rooftop earlier, not the kitchen light when he was too scared to make eye contact with the man, but here, under the ugly lighting of the store’s fluorescent bulbs. Not even those can take away the fact that he’s simply handsome.
But he’s not handsome in a way that’s charming and unsuspecting, not anymore, he’s handsome in a way a beam of light exposes beauty. It’s harsh and blatant; glaring and painfully palpable. One may appear worse when exposed in a light but Jaehyun, he remains immaculate.
“Do you still live in that apartment?” Jaehyun asks.
“Yeah,” he nods. “What about you?”
“Nah, I moved to a place that’s closer to my work. Long commutes are a pain in the ass. You… why though?”
“It’s close to my work too,” he answers defensively, tone rising up a bit, totally unprovoked. It’s also a lie and Jaehyun sees right through him. After all this time, he still apparently appears transparent to him. So he takes a deep breath and doesn’t bother making a fool out of himself further. “I don’t know. I guess I couldn’t just let it go. My apartment — nothing really changed in it, you know.”
Jaehyun mirrors the sad smile on his face. Then barely above a whisper, he asks, “Do you still have my stuff that I left?”
“All of it,” he exhales a shuddering breath. He’s starting to fall apart, he knows it, can feel it, yet somehow, the thought isn’t so bad if it means stripping his soul bare to Jaehyun. “It’s quite shameful to admit but yeah, I still have your stuff, Jae. I didn’t want to throw them away. We may have broken up but you were my friend too. You’re still precious to me.”
“Oh, Yong,” Jaehyun says softly, rubbing his palm against the other’s thigh for comfort. “What ever happened to us?”
“We were young and foolish, Jae. We gave up on each other, that’s what happened.”
“What a shame, right?” he tries to smile but it comes off rather painfully. He lets his arms fall to the table then his head follows right after on top of them, cradling. He stares up at Taeyong and his eyes scream of such profound regret that it triggers a freshly-opened ache in him too. “I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this, but I really missed you, Yong. I mean it.”
“It’s okay. It’s alright now.”
Taeyong offers a soothing hand, letting his fingers card gently between the pliant strips of his hair, as he smiles back at him. In the end, he kisses him on the temple just as the first of Jaehyun’s tears slide down his cheeks.
Jaehyun still feels the same under his touch. He still feels like coming home after being drowned from his classes, like the ever-present assurance which Taeyong clung to dearly before. He doesn’t look the same, though, but he tells himself it’s okay, that people can change their appearance but the honesty a single touch can reveal should never be underestimated.
“I missed you too, Jae, so fucking much,” he says just as his grip tightens on the leather jacket Jaehyun’s wearing, the words spoken so softly he’s afraid they would be lost to the constant hum of the vehicle.
Jaehyun heard it, he knows for sure, because the man flicks his wrists on the handlebars harshly, causing it to roar and simultaneously increase its speed in the middle of the ghostly road, as if Jaehyun is in a haste to catch whatever finish line he’s aiming for. Taeyong isn’t sure anymore since the line between wanting to go home and wanting to confront whatever they’re having right now has long became a blur when Jaehyun had looked at him that way in the convenience store.
They park on Taeyong’s street just as the skies begin to split open.
Taeyong is reminded of a similar sky, of a distant past which happened years ago yet it feels like it was just yesterday from how glaringly clear it is to his memory. They were in Jaehyun’s college apartment when Taeyong had told him he didn’t want to continue their relationship anymore. It was cruel but Jaehyun had smiled and told him he respected his decision, and that there’s always a sunrise after the darkness, after the grief. Taeyong had cursed him out in his head and called him a fool. He walked out of that apartment to a mocking daybreak. He didn’t understand what Jaehyun meant that day.
“Taeyong…” Jaehyun begins, his eyes look tired and desperate. “Can we try again? Because I don’t think I can let you go again after this.”
“Come here,” he replies, taking his hand and leading them into an alley.
He presses his lips against his, a touch that’s barely there, unsure and timid, but he finds courage when Jaehyun cups his face and crashes their lips harder. It escalates into something messy and reckless in a second but none of them cares. Jaehyun moves one of his hands to pull at his hair, urging him to tilt his head so he can gain access to his mouth. He still tastes sweet and hopeful, like there are always days to look forward to with him and Taeyong was just stupid to give in to his own struggles.
When they break apart, it’s daybreak. He sees that in Jaehyun’s eyes and he understands then — the sunrise after the grief.
“Do you want to come in? We can sleep together and talk some more after that,” he asks as he caresses Jaehyun’s left cheek.
The man bites his lip, his grip on either sides of his waist tensing up. “I don’t know, Yong. Is it really okay? To be honest, when I saw you last night, the first thing that came to my mind was that I didn’t want to hurt you again. But fuck, you were just so pretty and I couldn’t help myself. I yearned for you all this time, Yong. Back then, I didn’t know if I made the right decision to let you walk away and frankly, I’m still not sure if I’m making the right decision of wanting you back in my life—“
Taeyong silences him by capturing his lips once more. It takes the man by surprise that he lets out a breathy moan, his grip bordering to painful. Taeyong doesn’t mind one bit.
“Taeyong,” Jaehyun whispers against his lips. A lone ray of sunshine spills into the alley, crawling onto the wall Jaehyun’s pressed against and reaching his face, highlighting the beautiful shade of his irises. “This is it, right? The sunrise—“
“After the grief, yes, and you’re one foolish man, Jaehyun.”