Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter One: Only Wanted to Begin

This was starting to get… ridiculous.

When Whis had initially approached Frieza with the exciting news that he was in consideration as a future God of Destruction, the emperor had been elated. After all, his goal was to eventually rule over not only the entirety of his own universe, but the rest of them as well- becoming a deity would be the perfect first step. He didn’t even mind when he was told there would be a few tests to prove he could show the necessary restraint and impartialness…

The first test was to live on Earth (without the assistance of any of his assorted servants or employees) without blowing the place up or killing anyone. Unpleasant, but certainly not something he couldn’t do on a temporary basis.

But then he was told he’d need to keep honing his power and abilities to make sure his body and mind were strong enough to host the power of a god without losing control of it, “and since you’re on Earth anyway, why not train with Goku? He’d be delighted to have you as a sparing partner, in fact he’s told me so many times,” Whis has said in that annoying sing-song tone of his. With a sigh, the emperor agreed. Spending time with his worst enemy wasn’t high on his list of pleasures but at least he’d have an excuse to smack him around a bit and remind him which of the two was the truly superior warrior!

…where things started to really go off the rails was one week into this temporary Earth life, when he’d been about to head back after spending the day in simulated combat with his least favorite Saiyan. Beerus and Whis appeared suddenly, as they always seemed to, and the emperor immediately felt the beginnings of a headache.

“Lord Beerus, Whis!” Goku greeted them as enthusiastically as an over-excited puppy dog. “Thanks again for convincing Frieza to train with me, it’s been an absolute blast!”

More like pain in the ass, Frieza thought, but held his tongue.

“Oh, sure, happy to do it,” Beerus said, looking past Goku and toward his family’s home not far away. “Say, I take it based on the time of day that your dear wife is about to finish cooking your dinner, correct? I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem if we invited ourselves to join you?”

“Sure! The more the merrier, and she was already cooking extra anyway since we were expecting a friend to drop by. Hey, Frieza, you should join us too, you definitely worked up an appetite today-“

“The very idea of sharing a meal with you makes me ill. I’ll take my leave for the day-“

“Hmm, actually, I think he should consider this his next test,” Whis said. “Frieza, it’s one thing to show you can control your anger by sparring with your enemy, but can you remain pleasant and calm when you aren’t kicking him in the face?”

“I fail to see how this would show I’m capable of becoming a destroyer god-“

Beerus shook his head. “This is exactly what we’ve been concerned will make you terrible at the job. It’s not about destroying everything willy-nilly or else someone like that idiot Buu would be able to do it. A destroyer keeps the universe in a state of balance! If you are incapable of holding yourself back-“

“Ugh!” He threw his arms in the air over dramatically, just to make sure it was obvious he was only doing it because he was forced to, then crossed them and said through clenched teeth, “Fine then, I’ll join you all for dinner.”

“Great! I’ll go let Chichi know to expect three more!” He flew ahead, followed by the divine beings, and finally the reluctant Frieza slowly walked behind them. By the time he arrived it was several minutes after the rest of the group, and he found them watching while Goku and another being he didn’t recognize set up a large table and some chairs in the back yard.

“It worked out great that these guys decided to attend,” the unfamiliar person (a mammal, and male, most likely? Maybe a human? Probably a warrior of some sort judging by the scars on his face. Frieza decided he liked his hair) was saying, “See, Puar left this morning for his Shapeshifter’s School reunion, and without him around I’d been feeling, well, a little bit lonely. So I decided to show up a little earlier than I had planned to, and naturally I offered to help Chichi with the cooking.”

Goku’s wife, who Frieza had met over this past week, was carrying more chairs. “We started showing each other some new recipes and the next thing you know we’d both gotten carried away and made way too much food. But I won’t have to worry about storing the leftovers with all of you here to help eat!”

The unfamiliar human(?) nodded and started to speak. “Yep, it’s definitely not gonna be a problem with not only Goku’s massive appetite, but Lord Beerus- oh.” He suddenly noticed the final arrival and became visibly nervous, much to the alien’s entertainment. “So, uh… This is Frieza, huh? This is the first time I’ve gotten a good look at him.”

“Oh ho ho ho!” Frieza chuckled, “This Earthling is aware of my greatness. I do love how word of my return gets around!”

Goku smiled at his old friend. “Oh, yeah, Yamcha. And this isn’t even Frieza’s true power. Get this… When he’s at his strongest, his whole body shines gold like a Super Saiyan.”

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t compare me to you Saiyans!”

Yamcha looked at the notoriously terrifying emperor of space and his clearly increasing anger. The last thing the human wanted was a fight between these two super powered warriors breaking out, so he anxiously attempted to mediate, hoping his charm would be enough of a distraction. “Y-Yeah, that’s right, Goku! D-Don’t be so rude! Super Saiyans aren’t the only gold things around. You know what I mean? Gold medals, championship wrestling belts… Being gold means being number one!”

“Huh…” Goku scratched his head, “Is that what it means?”

“…Well, this is quite a surprise,” Frieza mused, looking thoughtfully at his rival’s surprisingly polite friend. “I didn’t think Saiyans associated with such sensible and handsome creatures.”

Happy that he’d succeeded in calming things back down, but unsure where to go from here, Yamcha just laughed awkwardly.

“Hmm, well that’s all well and good, but can we hurry up and get to the eating cuz I’m bored!” Goku interjected.

Frieza walked away and sat at the very end of the table, sliding his chair a good half foot further away from the rest of the group with his tail before doing so.

A moment later, Yamcha was grabbing a second table from inside the house and hauling it outside while giving himself a bit of a mental pep talk. Yes, Frieza was… rather unexpected. His ki felt chokingly strong and overwhelmingly evil, with an odd something he could only describe as a tightness to its intensity that made it hard to breathe when he was nearby. Yet he was also… Well, with all the tales he’d been told about the terrible Frieza he hadn’t expected him to be not only so tiny, but also a bit of a pretty boy? Certainly not the monster he’d been imagining!

Well, life was full of seeming contradictions. The gigantic and fearsome Ox King had turned out to be a great guy, the reincarnated ‘demon king’ Piccolo had a heart of gold, and Tien had gone from casually breaking limbs to being one of his best friends. So if someone he was terrified of didn’t have an appearance to match his reputation, well, he wouldn’t let this latest strange turn phase him. Especially since this unsettling villain was behaving himself for the time being. And if he tried anything, Goku and Beerus were there. Hell, even he himself could probably land a hit or dodge as needed at least enough to buy some time for his god tier friends to step in and take over if Frieza decided to cause trouble.

Beyond that, he had more important things to worry about, like how every time he hung out with Chichi he was reminded of the fact that he was still single. “I’ve seriously got to get myself a hot girlfriend ASAP,” he muttered.

By the time he finished setting up the second table and stocking it with the many pans full of food he’d helped make he was feeling much better about things, and wasn’t worried in the least by the time he sat down with a piled-high plate of his own… but he did make sure he sat as far from Frieza as the table would allow.

The emperor was the last to get food, as he was annoyed by the expectation that he’d serve himself. Ugh… he was better than this! As he reluctantly put a few scant bits of this and that on his plate he reminded himself yet again that this was all for the greater good, and once he held absolute power he’d make all who were responsible for this momentarily humiliation pay with their blood!

Back at the table, Goku and Beerus immediately began loudly devouring their food. Yamcha and Chichi chatted a bit more about cooking, and Whis turned his attentions back to their most reluctant guest. “So Frieza, where exactly have you been living during your first week on Earth? Did you rent a hotel room, or are you perhaps staying here with Goku?”

“What do you take me for, some impoverished tourist?” He paused long enough to wipe his mouth with a napkin- unlike some of his current company, he did have table manners!- and answered, “I quickly located a fully furnished house with a well stocked pantry that was unoccupied at present and have been making use of that.”

This caught the attention of the table. “Wait, do you mean you broke into someone’s home while they’re on vacation and have just been squattin’ there or something?!” Goku’s exclamation included a repulsive view of the half chewed food in his mouth, and the villain shuddered.

“I suppose?” He replied, rolling his eyes.

“Now now, Frieza, that won’t do. If you can’t be trusted to behave then how can we trust you with the sort of power you think you’re due?” Whis scolded. It was so condescending he wanted to puke, but he tensely replied.

“Fine then. I shall secure other lodging.”

“You’re not gonna be crashing on our couch, so don’t even think about asking!” Chichi said. “It’s bad enough having you wasting Goku’s working time, I won’t have every moment of my husband’s day spent in the company of a killer!” She then added with a forced politeness, “although you’re our guest for this meal so of course, feel free to relax and enjoy it… Just leave when it’s done.”

Yamcha watched with some amusement as the alien angrily confirmed that would be the case, wondering who was the more stubborn and volatile of the two, Chichi or Frieza? Comparing them, he noticed how the villain’s shoulders (so broad compared to his slender waist! The man had quite the unusual build) stayed completely tense as he resumed eating, and that tightness he’d felt from his Ki seemed even worse.

Without thinking too hard about it, he muttered, “Geez that guy needs to get laid,” and took another bite of his own food. It had just been a stray thought, something no one should have heard over the rest of the table’s conversation and scraping forks…

But he failed to take account for Lord Beerus’s incredible hearing. “What was that, Yamcha?”

He flinched. “Oh, just talking to myself is all, nothing to worry about!”

Of course, nothing brings attention to something like saying it should be ignored and now the whole table was looking at the human. “No, I distinctly heard you say that Frieza needs to ‘get laid.’ And I think you’re half way right.”

“Oh my,” Whis chuckled. Chichi blushed, Goku just looked confused, and the man in question stabbed his chopsticks into his food with enough violence to crack the plate.

“I’m not familiar with all of your Earth slang but I don’t like the sound of whatever it is you seem to have decided I ‘need’ after spending only a few minutes in my company.”

“Forget I said anything!” Yamcha insisted, but Beerus just smirked.

“It’s too good of an idea to just brush aside. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say all of Frieza’s many issues would be fixed with sex-“ the emperor spat out his food in surprise but the current God of Destruction ignored him, “- I do think it would be of great benefit to see him land and successfully make his way through a date. Purely for his development as a potential destroyer, of course.”

“First you make me spend time with this idiot,” a livid Frieza pointed at Goku, “then you force me to work within moral codes I’m hardly familiar with, and now you’re meddling in my personal life?! Do you intend to just keep pushing me in an effort to find my breaking point?!”

Beerus stood, and everyone other than the man he was speaking to slid their own chairs just a little further back from the table. “A breaking point, eh? So this is it? If you’re unable to show the necessary level of self awareness and ability to connect to another being that this simple task requires then you have no business thinking you can step into my job some day. Oh well, we’ll withdraw you from consideration-“

“I refuse!” Frieza stood as well, lashing his tail hard enough against the ground that it seemed the planet itself may crack. “I will be a god! Fine then, I will do this- one date. But that is it!”

“Good…” Beerus smirked. “All I’m asking after all is for you to show you’re capable of this. After the date you’re free to never see the uh, ‘lucky’ lady- or man, I don’t really know which way you swing nor does it matter for these purposes- ever again.”

“I’m holding you to that,” Frieza growled. “If you try and later claim I have to stay in a relationship or something like that I’ll just kill you and take your position by force!” He turned to leave, but Whis interrupted.

“Oh, just because another condition’s been added it doesn’t void the previous ones, Frieza! You still need to finish your meal, and of course a good guest would offer to help clean up once we’re all finished!”

The emperor’s burning rage almost had him ready to blow the whole place up at this point, but he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

It will be worth it. He’ll just have to bite his tongue and push through it. He’ll deprive them the satisfaction of seeing him fail, and he’ll soon enough have all this behind him and the power of being a god at his disposal. It’s just another step on the path to ruling all universes…

Yes… All for the greater good… He sat back down, allowed himself a quick glare at the human who had brought this whole topic up, then finished his food in silence.

As the meal wrapped up, Beerus took a nap in a lawn chair while Whis and Goku had a short, playful training session in the air high above them. Yamcha began helping Chichi gather the plates and leftovers, but remembered what the angel had said earlier.

“I will not be afraid of Frieza,” he whispered to himself, then hid his trembling hands behind his back before saying to the sulking alien, “Hey, you were gonna help tidy up, right? Can you fold the chairs and stack them in the hall?”

Heaving the heaviest sigh possible, the reluctant guest stood up, picked up his chair, and looked at it. Oh yeah, he’s space royalty, probably never seen a folding chair in his life! So Yamcha went back to the table himself. “Here, let me show you how to do it-“

“I don’t need your help,” he snapped, making the human flinch.

“I-if you say so,” Yamcha stammered in reply, backing off a step. But he carefully made a point of folding one of the other chairs under the guise of moving it out of the way, and did so a little slower than necessary, just to be sure the prideful alien could see what he was doing. Sure enough, he felt those intimidating red eyes on him, and as he walked back into the kitchen to finish storing the leftovers he could hear the rest of the chairs being efficiently folded and stacked.

He smiled a little to himself. While he couldn’t understand the bloodlust and need for power that drove someone like Frieza, pride was definitely an emotion he could empathize with…

It was also kinda funny that the very thing the deities had tasked the emperor with as his next test was the very one Yamcha himself had been struggling with. Heh, of all the people to be finding common ground with…

Back outside, Whis had finished with Goku and saw Beerus suddenly awaken with a start. “Whis, come here at once!” They spoke quietly for a few minutes.

The full group finally reconvened when all was cleaned up, and Chichi gave some of the wrapped up leftover food to Yamcha, Beerus, and Whis, thanking them for coming.

“If this is at last over am I free to leave?” Frieza asked.

Beerus’s grin widened. “Not quite yet. We still need to tie up a few final loose ends, don’t we? For one, a place where you can stay without breaking and entering. Furthermore, if you’re going to be dating someone while you’re staying here they’ll most likely be an Earthling. So I nominate Yamcha hosts you-“

“What?! Why me?”

“Why not? You should have the space, and can help teach him everything he needs to know about Earth dating culture, can’t you? Just until he’s able to complete a date to our satisfaction, of course.”

Goku snickered, Chichi sighed, and Yamcha cringed. “Uh, I don’t know if I’m the best one for that-“

“Yeah, he hasn’t even dated since things ended with Bulma,” Chichi said with a shrug.

“Oh come on, I’m not THAT pathetic, I’ve had plenty of dates since!” A slight exaggeration, but only slight. While he hadn’t exactly had a booked social calendar every weekend or anything he had managed a few dates and even one short term girlfriend since… but it had been a while. A long while.

“Perfect! Then you’re just the man for the job!” Beerus replied. “The matter is settled then, let’s go Whis!”

Yamcha scratched his head and nervously turned to Frieza, who hadn’t said anything. “So uh, I guess you’re coming with me then?”

The indignity of it all… “Lead the way then… I have high expectations for the accommodations you shall be providing me as we push through this meaningless task as promptly as possible.”

“Heh heh, good luck you two!” Goku swung an arm around each of their shoulders. “Yamcha, if Frieza tries anything bad just give me a shout and I’ll come put him in his place for ya!”

Frieza shoved the Saiyan away. “That won’t be necessary. And if I were going to do something naughty I guarantee you wouldn’t have a prayer in stopping me.”

“Yeah? Maybe he wouldn’t need to!” Yamcha countered, “don’t forget, I may be a human but I’m no pushover! I’m a talented martial artist in my own right with years of experience protecting the Earth-“

“Oh, I’m sure you’d last at least a few seconds in battle with me,” Frieza said, then smirked and added, “if I was bored enough to not finish you off immediately that is.”

The human flinched. “I really hope Lord Beerus knows what he’d doing…”

- - -

Traveling back through the void on their way home, Whis asked, “as much fun as giving Frieza increasingly impossible tests to prove himself with has been, are you sure it’s wise to bring that poor human into this one? Your dreams haven’t always had the best track record-“

“It wasn’t a dream, it was one of my infallible prophecies!” The deity snapped. “It was incredibly clear. The key to getting Frieza to give up on his ridiculous quest for my job is to get him together with that Yamcha fellow. And the results of their combined efforts promise to be incredibly hilarious for us to watch!”

End Chapter One: Only Wanted to Begin

Author’s Note:

Writer’s block is a pain. I keep starting and pausing things, but this finally seems to be the winner in the fic-concepts-I-don’t-immediately-stall-out-on competition, so here we are. I’ve wrote ahead a few chapters to be sure I can keep going, but will aim to publish maybe two a week? If you do read, as always, I crave comments and kudos so you know what to do. And if you want more Yamza, feel free to check out my other stories, especially ‘Perfect Stranger,’ which is the best thing I’ve ever written, and ‘Light the Fire’ if you’re looking for something lighter with a lot of cute. Thanks for reading! Things will pick up a lot from here so I hope you continue following along!

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Two: Figure It Out

It was very late in the evening by the time Yamcha and Frieza arrived at the human’s apartment. He invited his unwanted guest to make himself at home while he put the leftover food Chichi had gifted him in the fridge, then rejoined him.

“What an oddly laid out home,” the emperor commented, looking around critically. “Is it normal on this planet to put a bed and cooking appliances in the entryway?”

“Entryway? Oh, uh, this isn’t the entry. This is the whole apartment, it’s called a ‘studio’-“

Ugh, was this human being serious?! Frieza sighed. “Whatever you call it, it’s far too humble for my tastes. I’m increasingly convinced those obnoxious men are just giving me these tests because it entertains them to see what it finally takes to make me lose control of my temper rather than because they truly believe they’ll show whether I’m capable of taking my place at the top!”

“Nothing wrong with a small place, it’s easier to keep clean,” Yamcha sighed. “Anyway, it sounds like we both want you out of here as quickly as possible,” He sat on the couch, suddenly exhausted. “All we have to do is get someone to agree to go out with you and then have one successful date, right? How hard can that possibly be? I mean, you’re a blood thirsty and cruel tyrant, you’re also rich and famous, so you’re probably still super popular with the hotties up in space.”

“I’m sure I am,” Frieza replied, disdainfully inspecting the couch and brushing it off with his tail before sitting down himself on the opposite side.

Picking up on the odd wording, Yamcha asked, “You say that like you’re making an assumption… do you… actually not know?”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re correct that there is no reason I shouldn’t be considered desirable. I’m the infinitely powerful and successful Lord Frieza, after all. I just never bothered with romance.”

“Seriously?! Wait, so you’re saying you’ve never dated?!”

“And why is that so hard to believe?!” Frieza moved so fast that in one moment he’d been on the couch and the next he was standing in front of his host and glaring down at him. “Some people have far more important things to deal with than trying to charm lesser beings!”

“Got it, got it, you can settle down now!” As the alien sat back down in a huff, Yamcha stood. “I’m uh, gonna grab a beer. You want anything?”

He didn’t, but he did want to quickly establish to this human that his role was to serve him, so he replied, “whatever the finest beverage you have is, I’ll accept that.”

Yamcha ran over to the kitchenette, happy to have an excuse to briefly put more space between himself and his frightening houseguest. He took two of his favorite beers out of the fridge and took his time opening them before finally returning to the couch and offering one to the other man.

Frieza delicately sniffed it, took a small sip, and wrinkled his nose. “This is nearly unbearably foul.”

“Sorry about that, but it’s the best I’ve got.” Yamcha took a big gulp of his own, then asked, “So to be clear, you’ve never been on a date before? Not even once?”

“As I stated, I’ve been too busy with other, more pressing things, like running an army full of space’s most powerful warriors, conducting major financial transactions, and oh, I don’t know, being the strongest and most feared being alive?!”

The human held up his hands. “I get it! But I can’t help you if you keep getting all murderously angry with me while I’m trying to figure this out!”

“That’s a valid point. I’ll attempt to contain my irritation with this in the name of efficiency. The sooner you tell me what I need to know the sooner I can get that date over with and move on to what actually matters.”

“Okay! So let’s strategize. I’m gonna ask you a couple things that might seem a bit invasive but please reply honestly. If the date has to be a success for it to count I need to know what kind of person to try and get you with, right?”

“Ask what you need to, I’ll cooperate.” Frieza took another slightly larger sip of his drink and forced it down. There seemed to be alcohol in this, he realized, so while it wasn’t the high quality red wine he preferred, it could help take the edge off this immensely irritating situation.

“Okay, first question… are you straight?”

“Straight?”

“Actually, to back up further… You are a guy, right?”

“Obviously? I wouldn’t call myself a gendered title like ‘Lord’ if I wasn’t?” Frieza glared. “I said I’d be willing to answer questions patiently but if you’re being willfully obtuse-“

“No, just double checking! So if you’re a straight man that means you prefer women, so I’m gonna help you get a girlfriend-“

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Frieza interrupted, then took another big drink from his beer, draining half the bottle as quickly as possible in hopes of not tasting it. “Firstly, the deal wasn’t that I establish a relationship, only that I ask someone out and complete a date with them. That is as far as I’m willing to go for the sake of this foolish exercise. Second, now that I understand what the term ‘straight’ means, I shall inform you that I am not. I have no problem with women if they’re able to complete whatever task I require of them, but if you’re asking my preference in terms of attraction, it’s men.”

“Oh…” Yamcha had always had a terrible gaydar. Hell, he hadn’t even realized after seeing Tien reject a gorgeous and fun girl like Launch that he was gay until the topic came up years later! But he was pretty open minded, and with as bad as he was with women, this might actually be a good thing. Helping Frieza find a date without the nervousness of having to deal with potentially talking to a girl himself could actually make this whole task easier! “Okay, for the record I totally support you in this!”

“That’s an odd thing to say,” Frieza replied, emptying the bottle with a scowl and setting it down on the coffee table.

“I just mean, you know, I’m not a homophobe or anything-“

“Why would you be?”

“Since some humans are-“

“And yet if I wiped out humanity I’d be the one considered in the wrong? I’ll have to keep this in mind for when destruction is my day job-“

Yamcha nearly choked on his own beer but quickly jumped into damage control. “No, no, most humans these days are open minded! It’s just we have a bit of an intolerant past, that’s why I wanted to make sure you knew I wasn’t one of those jerks!” This seemed to work, and the emperor relaxed again. “Anyway, this is a good starting point. So I’ll help you with what you need in order to successfully ask a guy out. So my next question, so I can help you find a human male that you’ll actually click with enough to complete a date with him, what’s your type?”

“My type?” Frieza frowned. “I’ve never really thought about it.”

“You’re really making this difficult for me,” the taller man sighed. “Well, now’s the time to think about it. What sort of man would you see yourself enjoying the company of in a romantic way?”

“One that isn’t annoying,” he answered immediately.

“You gotta give me more to work with than that! Come on, what do you find attractive?”

“Obedience and usefulness.”

Yamcha was beginning to wonder if this was a lost cause, but he continued to press. “Alright, to be blunt, let’s say you’re having a sexy dream. Describe the sort of man you’re with in it.”

“The last time I had a dream of that sort…” Frieza had actually had quite a few dirty dreams of late, and all about the same annoying yet frustratingly attractive person- Frost, “…I dream about someone who’s essentially myself.”

He shouldn’t have been surprised that the smaller man was so narcissistic. “Okay, but we’re not gonna find a clone of you here on Earth- oh wait! I know of the perfect guy, but he’s in Universe 6… what a disappointment. But hey, I bet he was in the Tournament of Power, come to think of it- Frieza, did you meet Frost?”

The alien’s iron will was the only thing that kept him from flinching at that name. He hadn’t realized Yamcha had been aware of the man he’d so recently had erotic dreams about! “Oh, yes, I somewhat remember that fool.”

“He was a lot like you- did you think he was hot? Maybe we could get Beerus to talk Champa into loaning him to us for this-“

“Absolutely not! I’m not attracted to him in the slightest!” The emperor lied.

“Then give me SOMETHING to work with here!” Yamcha leaned back on the couch, exasperated.

Frieza sighed. This was going nowhere. So he finally put some real thought into the question. What kind of person that he could potentially find here on Earth would be attractive to him? The depths of their personality wasn’t too important for this, as it only had to be a single date, so he’d focus on looks and surface level features. “Hmm… Well, your sort tends to be appealing enough,” he replied with a shrug.

Right… suddenly Yamcha remembered the alien’s compliment from earlier that day. ‘Sensible and handsome,’ he’d said. Words that took on a different meaning now that he knew the smaller man was gay. “Uh…” he laughed awkwardly, “so does that mean you want me?”

“Do not flatter yourself!” Frieza was standing again, which always seemed to be a bad sign.

“It was a bad joke!” Yamcha lied. “But what do you mean by ‘my sort’?”

He relaxed somewhat, but didn’t sit back down. “Mammalian features. Long hair. Body heat, things like that.”

“I guess that makes sense if we look at this from an opposites attract type of angle. What else?”

“Well…” he paused for a moment and tried to further consider the question. “I’m a perfectionist, so I can’t see myself being attracted to anyone who wasn’t willing to put work into themselves. So I suppose a well developed physique and a sharp mind would be important features. I’ll add that as a business man I can respect financial success, as well.”

Yamcha covered his face with his hands. “I should have known someone like you wouldn’t have a simple request like, ‘I want someone who’s kind and funny’ or something… but okay. We can make this work.”

“Don’t overthink any of this,” the smaller man cautioned, but finally returned to the couch and relaxed again, “As I keep reminding you, I’m only trying to complete one date, not find a long term partner. I can’t afford to be too choosy here, after all, I’m on a time limit. But now that I’ve answered your questions, tell me- what’s your plan? You said you’d be strategizing, correct?”

Yamcha leaned back and crossed his arms. “Okay… so if you’re gonna ask an Earthling out, I guess the first thing we need to do is figure out how to get you into a situation where you can find someone that fits your requirements. Lucky for you I can make that happen! So tomorrow… tomorrow we’ll put this into action. But for tonight…”

Both men’s eyes strayed to a bed on the other side of the room. “Please tell me that isn’t your only sleeping quarters,” Frieza said after a moment.

“Uh, well, like I said, this place is a studio style apartment, so…”

“I thought you said something about a roommate?”

“Well, when Puar’s here he usually sleeps on a cushion on the couch-“

The emperor sighed and stood up. “Then I will take your bed. The sheets are clean, correct?”

“Of course, I just changed them this morning,” Yamcha said with his fingers crossed behind his back.

“Now, where is your restroom-“ as there were only three doors- one that lead back outside, one that was closed, and finally one cracked open that lead to the room in question- he quickly answered that himself and went inside, closing the door behind him.

“Ugh… what did I do to deserve this?” Yamcha wondered out loud, then went to the closet and grabbed an extra pillow and some blankets to toss on the couch. Frieza emerged from the bathroom not long after and got into the bed. As the human was shutting off the lights and heading into the bathroom himself, he heard his unwanted guest speak.

“This bed has a nice smell to it. Is it customary for humans to apply some sort of scent to their bedding?”

“Not really? Maybe it’s my laundry detergent of something?” By the time he’d finished brushing his teeth and stripping down to his shorts the main room was silent, so he quietly crept to the couch and went to bed as well.

- - -

The problem with drinking beer right before bed is it always lead to the same thing. Sometime hours later Yamcha half woke up and sleepily headed to the bathroom to take a leak. Once he was done, between being only partially conscious and the force of habit he went to the bed, pulled back the covers, and crawled in- he woke up properly once he rolled over and accidentally tossed his arm over the man he’d forgotten he was temporarily playing host to-

THWACK! Frieza struck so fast that Yamcha was on the floor before he even had time to try and correct his error on his own. “Try that again and you’re a dead man,” the alien’s muffled voice said from under the blankets.

With a sigh he returned to the couch.

- - -

Morning always came too soon. For a disoriented moment Yamcha once again forgot he’d been sleeping on the couch, and fell to the floor when he attempted to roll over without accounting for his more limited space. “Ouch…”

He heard a stirring from the bed as his drowsy mind finally remembered the details of the prior day. “Be quieter,” the voice of his alien guest muttered, “I’m trying to sleep!”

“Sorry,” he whispered, and crept to his closet, grabbing fresh clothing then heading back into the bathroom to shower, get dressed, and otherwise prepare for the day. When he came back out Frieza was still in bed.

Fuck… considering the layout of his apartment, he couldn’t exactly go into another room to cook breakfast… Although for that matter, how long was Frieza planning on sleeping, anyway?

Puar slept like a rock, it was one of the many things that made him an ideal roommate. He’d better have this alien out of here before his tiny bestie returned from the reunion, because he’d be worried sick if he had to make sure the shapeshifter was protected!

With that in mind, he squared up his shoulders, headed to the kitchenette, and started making coffee without worrying too much about noise. Yeah, he might wake up angry, but at least that means Frieza’s awake, and the sooner they can get started the sooner they can resolve all this.

Completely buried under the sheets and blankets, Frieza glared into the darkness. He’d been awake since just before Yamcha, and despite his best efforts hadn’t been able to return to sleep. He was surprised he’d slept as soundly as he had, actually… this bed was just so comfortable. It wasn’t just the high quality sheets and soft mattress, but that pleasant smell that had lulled him into an unusually good slumber… he didn’t know it was possible to rest so easily outside of his own secure ship, much less in the home of a man that was technically his enemy.

He’d have liked to have a few hours more of it, but that clearly wasn’t going to happen. At least something else was starting to smell good. Without saying anything he left the bed and went to go take a shower.

“Good morning,” Yamcha said, but wasn’t at all surprised to be blown off. “Asshole,” he muttered, but only once the bathroom door was shut. He got himself a mug of hot coffee and went to work on the rest of breakfast as the sound of the shower running filled the apartment.

He had a few ideas for how to snag Frieza a man, but all of them hinged on having the emperor make an appearance in normal Earth society… and he couldn’t exactly do that nude. So the first thing they’d need to do is determine how to get him into some clothing-

“Your soap is cheap.”

“Geez, can you please give me some warning next time you wanna sneak up behind me?” Yamcha asked, grabbing some paper towels to wipe up the coffee he’d spilled in his surprise. Frieza just ignored him and sniffed the air.

“That strong aroma is what exactly?”

“The coffee probably?” He gestured toward the freshly brewed pot.

“I will accept that, then.”

Yamcha took a deep breath and faced his unwanted guest. If he didn’t set boundaries now, he’d have to tip toe around this jerk’s feelings this whole time, and he could get things accomplished a lot faster if he could say what he meant! “Then have some. There are mugs in the cupboard over the sink.”

The emperor simply sat at the table and glared at him. So he made a point of ignoring the alien, finishing his cooking, plating half of what he made, and sitting down with it and his own coffee.

Frieza watched him eat for as long as his extremely limited patience would allow before finally demanding, “you clearly don’t understand my expectations for you, so I will say this once. You are here to serve my needs, so why are you eating while I am not?”

His voice was so cold and tense that the human almost regretted his choice to hold out against him, but he shook himself internally and tried to look like he wasn’t afraid. “I’ve made enough coffee and food for us both, so I’ve done more than my part. But I’m helping you because Lord Beerus asked me to, not because I’m a member of your staff. Don’t like it, then you’re free to leave. I’d be happy to let him and Whis know you failed this test.” He then took a long gulp of his coffee, hoping the burn of it in his throat would distract him from how frankly terrifying the alien’s Ki felt.

“I will remember this,” Frieza finally said, but he did get up at last and serve himself. They ate in uncomfortable silence.

The emperor decided he liked coffee- no surprise with how good it had smelled- and enjoyed the oddly invigorating properties this drink seemed to have. The food was also to his taste, even if he couldn’t even begin to guess what it was supposed to be. As a galactic traveler he wasn’t too phased by unfamiliar cuisine. Once they’d finished, he asked, “so, if I am to defer to your expertise in dating Earthlings, what do you recommend so as to get this odious task out of the way today?”

Yamcha leaned back in his chair. “Well, it should be easy enough. We just find someone you think would like you enough to say yes, and that you like enough to be willing to spend an evening with, then you ask them out, and do it.”

“Yes, yes, that much is obvious. Beerus knows I’m no idiot, if that was all there would be to it he wouldn’t have assigned me a servant for this.”

“I told you, I don’t work for you,” Yamcha reiterated, but seeing the alien’s vivid red eyes narrow he quickly re-steered the conversation back to the main topic. “Well, I think maybe part of it is you’re obviously not from here so you’re gonna need my help dealing with human society enough to not immediately scare off your potential date.”

Frieza’s eyes were starting to feel like they were permanently rolling, but they did so again. “And I do this how? I can’t help the fact that my immense power would intimidate anyone-“

“The good news is, most of my species don’t feel Ki like my friends and I do- it’s not that they don’t have the ability, they just never learned to use it. And your reputation shouldn’t proceed you here, either.”

“Oh, goody.” The sarcasm was so thick it was almost painful, but Yamcha tried to ignore it.

“So all we gotta do is dress you in an appropriate manner and take you somewhere you could meet people and then you’ve just gotta… work your charm?”

“I prefer not to wear clothing in this form, is it necessary?” Frieza asked, but he got up and poured the last of the coffee into his mug on his own without demanding his host do so first- Yamcha would consider that a half victory at least.

“Uh huh. Unless you wanna look like some kinda pervert exhibitionist.”

A few minutes later the problem with this plan became clear as they stood in front of the human’s wardrobe. “…none of this is gonna fit you, huh?”

It was clearly true. Yamcha’s clothing would all be way too long on the tiny alien. Frieza wasn’t about to give up or delay so easily though. “You’re right, your clothing is all grotesquely oversized for someone as ideally proportioned as myself, but we’ll make due.” The human snickered. “What exactly do you find so funny, hmm?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just… ‘ideally proportioned?’ No way! You’re a total shortie- I’m kidding, I’m kidding, of course you’re perfect!” He quickly backtracked upon seeing a flash of that terrifying anger.

“I’d advise you to hold your tongue if you want to keep it,” Frieza replied. “Now tell me, what would you wear for a date? I’ll modify it as needed.”

“For a date? That totally depends on what the date is-“

“Explain.”

“I mean, it would be different if it was a stroll on the beach, or sharing a casual hobby, or drinks at a bar, or a coffee date, or a nice dinner, or-”

“How bland,” Frieza interrupted with a chuckle, “If those are the sorts of dates you’re bringing people on, well, no wonder you’re single.”

“At least I have dated!” Yamcha countered, “unlike you, the emperor of being alone!”

“As I said, I’ve stayed single purely by choice! I-“

“Hey guys!” Goku’s sudden appearance between the two of them put a brief pause to their bickering with each other as they united against a shared target.

“What do you want now, monkey?”

“And don’t you remember what I said about teleporting into my home?!” Yamcha demanded.

“Oh yeah, what was it you said again?”

“Don’t do it!”

“Yeah, I remember that now! Whoops! Should I leave and come back through the front door?”

“No, too late for that now,” Yamcha sighed. “So what’s up?”

“Well, Frieza hadn’t shown up to train this morning so I figured I’d just drop by and grab him!”

“To think I still have to deal with this ordeal, as well…” Frieza muttered, then turned back to his host. “Yamcha, we’ll resume our own mission this evening. I expect you to have a plan ready with all variables covered by the time I’m done.”

“Don’t worry, I’m already one step ahead of you!”

“I sincerely doubt it,” he replied, then allowed Goku to grab his arm and, with the help of his Instant Transmission, they vanished.

Left alone, the human turned his attention back to the closet and started grabbing some of his older clothing…

- - -

“Watch your hands. I don’t consent to being touched any more than absolutely necessary by someone who willingly partnered with a Saiyan!” Frieza snapped at Chichi, who ignored him as she moved the measuring tape from his hips to his waist.

“Be nice to her, Frieza,” Yamcha cautioned from his vantage point leaned against the door frame. “We can’t get you someone to date if we can’t get you into clothing, and it’s not like we’re gonna find anything that fits you off the rack here!”

Goku, who was still shirtless and toweling himself off from the intense sparring session that had only ended several minutes prior, added, “don’t you worry Frieza, Chichi gets plenty of practice sewing with all of my clothes that she has to mend so I’m sure she can make these old outfits of Yamcha’s n’ mine fit you great!”

“Okay…” she jotted down a few more numbers. “I think that’s it. Most of it just needs to be taken in a little or hemmed, the only time consuming part will be modifying the pants for your tail. I’ll fix up an outfit or two’s worth of clothes for you daily, alright?”

“That should be all that’s necessary. As soon as I get this date over with I intend to have no further use for these ugly vestments.”

Yamcha leaned over and looked at Chichi’s notes. “Damn Frieza, it’s one thing looking at you, but seeing all this actually wrote… you really are short.” The emperor grabbed him by the front of his shirt.

“Then perhaps I should snap off your legs and let you see what it’s like to be even shorter?!”

Goku was about to step in, but Yamcha grabbed Frieza’s wrist and twisted it, breaking his grip. “Hey, I’m just messing with you. Being able to take a joke is an essential skill if you wanna be able to make conversation during a date!”

The emperor glared. “You were only able to escape my grasp so easily because I’d neglected to remember that you theoretically have some degree of martial arts skills-“

“Not just some degree!” Goku butted in, “Yamcha’s trained with Master Roshi, and Kami, and King Kai, just like me! Plus he’s got some really tricky moves that he came up with himself!”

Yamcha smirked. “That’s right. Don’t underestimate me, Frieza, or you may end up regretting it.”

“Don’t be a fool. No matter how much skill you may or may not have, the difference in our strength is too wide of a gap for you to cross if I ever really decided to fight you with even a touch of my true ability,” the emperor replied.

“Don’t be so pissy, it’s seriously unattractive,” his host said as he picked back up Chichi’s notes. “Damn, though, you’ve really got some insane proportions! Are these thigh measurements correct?”

“I measured everything twice, of course they are!”

“There is nothing objectionable about my thighs-“

“Don’t misunderstand! I’m trying to compliment you this time!” Yamcha winked. “Thick thighs are super sexy, so we gotta make sure you work ‘em when you’re trying to charm your potential special someone!”

Frieza did like compliments, and he was proud of this thighs, much like the rest of his body, so for one of the few times since he’d returned to Earth he responded with a genuine smile. “Thank you, I’m sure it will be simple enough.”

“Hey, would you look at that? When you aren’t being scary or sarcastic you actually have a really cute smile, too!” Yamcha teased. “This is gonna be easier than I thought!”

“Cute isn’t a word that should be used to describe someone as deadly as myself,” Frieza huffed.

“I should have some clothes ready by the time he and Goku are done tomorrow, so you can start then-“ Chichi said, but Yamcha shook his head.

“Nah, we’re gonna head out immediately. There was one outfit I had that I think will fit you unmodified… So let’s go!”

Goku and Chichi watched them leave. “Ya think they’re gonna manage it?” He asked.

“Nah. Who the heck could get along with that Frieza long enough to survive a date with him?” She rolled her eyes.

“I dunno… don’t you think he’s being pretty tolerant of Yamcha?”

“Maybe they should just date each other,” Chichi said. “Can’t you imagine the heart attack that would give Vegeta?” They both laughed long and hard at that image.

- - -

Frieza liked Yamcha’s car considerably more than he’d liked his tiny apartment. It was fast, and sleek, and even though its technology was far behind what he was used to he had an eye for quality and could tell this vehicle was well made. When they reached their destination he climbed out of its comfortable seats with some regret then looked around. “So this is your plan?”

“Yep. The beach!” He waved his arm to indicate the long, sandy shore and water. “I figure this is a perfect place to find you someone. See, this is one of the few places where you can get away with walking around in minimal clothing, and since your body is a lot more appealing than your personality being able to show it off should be to your benefit!” Frieza glared, but Yamcha shrugged. “You know what I just said was true. Anyway, there’s a public restroom right over there, let’s go get you dressed.” He quickly put his car back in its capsule.

In the bathroom, he pulled out another capsule and from it a large bag. “Okay, I hope I’m right that this should be stretchy enough to work- try these on.”

Frieza looked at the small black item of clothing he had been handed. “Ah. I’ve worn something nearly identical to this before, actually.”

The human nodded. “Yeah, some of your army wore something like this along with the armor, right? Anyway, I’m gonna get dressed too.” He stepped into one of the stalls and closed the door.

It only took the emperor a moment to pull the speedo on. Sure enough, the stretchy material was more forgiving of their size difference than most things, but it bunched up uncomfortably under his tail. Beyond that… “This somewhat fits, although the crotch is a bit roomy.”

“Well yeah,” Yamcha said, the sound of fabric rustling accompanying his voice as he continued getting undressed. “Those are mine, and let’s just say… heh, they need to have plenty of space to fit me, if you catch my drift.”

“…are you attempting to brag about the size of your genitals or something?”

A loud sigh was heard from inside the bathroom stall. “Well, yeah, but have a little class and don’t be so blunt about it!”

“You’re the one who brought the topic up in the first place! I don’t understand mammals…” the alien muttered, then added, “Considering my army is mostly male, I hear quite a bit of that sort of talk from them. It’s been my experience that the same men that want to make their size a focus are the same ones that I hear rumors of their lovers complaining about their bedroom performance. Are you one of those, Yamcha? No wonder you’re single.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know I’ve never left a lady unsatisfied!” He countered, and finally stepped out of the stall. “Now let’s go, it’s already pretty late- what’s with the weird look?”

Frieza was staring. Considering prior to this he’d just seen the human in his current favorite outfit (a shirt with long sleeves and a collar, and long pants, neither of which were particularly closely fitted) so he was a bit caught off guard to see Yamcha in his beach outfit- a short sleeved shirt with the front left open to show off his chest and abs, and a speedo of his own, which left a considerable amount of skin on display.

“I hadn’t realized you were so well built,” he replied, pulling his eyes away. “Though I suppose I should have expected as such from one of Son Goku’s meat headed fighter friends.”

Yamcha just laughed and flexed his muscles a few times. “I told you, don’t underestimate good ol’ Yamcha! Now, let’s go! I bet we’ll both have a date by the end of the night!”

End Chapter Two: Figure It Out

Author’s Note: Yamcha’s outfits referred to here, in case it wasn’t obvious, are his default outfit from Dragon Ball Super, and then the beachwear is the summer lobby avatar outfit / stamp Yamcha got in FighterZ.

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Three: Down by the Water

“So, if you see anyone you like, let me know, and I’ll coach you on how to approach them.” The two men walked along the boardwalk, Yamcha casual despite the eyes they were drawing, Frieza irritated as he kept pulling at the top of his borrowed swimwear.

“These annoying briefs keep wanting to slide off,” he complained, finally leaving his hand to rest on his hip in an effort to hold it up without looking like he was doing so. “It’s all the more reason to get this odious task over with as quickly as possible.”

“Yeah, for sure- whoa…” Yamcha trailed off, staring at a group of people playing volleyball- until he tripped over his companion’s tail.

“Watch where you’re going you fool!”

“Shit, sorry,” he got back up and brushed himself off, never taking his eyes off the game.

“What is it? Why are we dallying here?” Frieza asked, adjusting the waistband of his speedo again.

“Look at her!” The human discretely pointed at a woman in the group. “Like, I know you’re gay and all, but surely even you can see the appeal of a body like that?”

“She looks… soft and fragile. She’d break if I so much as looked at her wrong,” Frieza replied with a roll of his eyes. “Some of the men she’s playing with are alright, but from how they’re all looking at her I suspect they’re as ‘straight’ as you are.”

“We can’t be sure! Maybe they’re just looking at her ‘cuz she’s good at volleyball and not because her bikini is so very, uh… revealing,” the taller man stared a moment longer, then gave the other a little push toward them. “Hey, go introduce yourself. See if any of the men you liked take the bait. And maybe while you’re there… see if she’s single? Or at least get her name?”

“I said they’re ‘alright,’ that doesn’t mean they’re worthy of me… although I suppose I could give it a shot, I’d only have to put up with them for one date after all.” Noticing that the taller man was completely ignoring him in favor of watching how the girl’s body moved as she spiked the ball Frieza smirked then poked him hard in the side. “Okay Romeo. You’re supposed to be teaching me how Earthlings do this, aren’t you? So go ask her out and I’ll take notes.”

“Are you out of your mind?! I can’t just approach someone like that!” He was louder than he’d intended to be, and the woman, who’d previously been facing away from them, glanced over her shoulder, slapped her hand over her mouth, then said something to her group and started walking toward them. “Oh shit,” he whispered, and grabbed Frieza by the shoulders. “Play it cool okay?”

“Tell that to yourself,” he said, shrugging himself free of the other man’s grip.

“Hey, Yamcha, is that you?” She asked.

“Huh- wait, Maron?!”

Tossing her long blue hair back, she nodded. “Yep! Oh my gawd, it’s been forever, but you look great!”

“S-so do you!” Yamcha replied, “You really haven’t aged a day!”

“I can say the same about you, handsome,” she giggled in reply. “We should totally catch up! I know a nice bar near here, maybe you could buy me a drink?”

“Oh, we really should sometime, I can call Krillin and the rest and we could all have a great chat about old times! But for today I’m trying to help my friend here find himself a man,” he gestured toward Frieza.

“Oh, I see,” Maron looked disappointed. “Well, see you around sometime I guess.” She wandered back over to her volleyball game as Yamcha watched with longing eyes.

“And what was that about?” Frieza demanded.

Brought out of her spell by the alien’s demanding tone, Yamcha replied, “That’s Krillin’s ex from back before he met 18, I didn’t recognize her from behind. Damn though, she’s still so gorgeous!”

“That’s not what I meant. You obviously want her, so why did you just brush her off?”

“What the heck are you talking about?!”

Frieza heaved what felt like the heaviest sigh of his life. “Are you kidding me? She was flirting with you and you rejected it.”

“Huh?”

“She complimented your appearance and asked you on a date-“

“She did not! She was just being friendly!”

“Then why did she lose her enthusiasm the moment you brought up bringing other friends along for the drinks she clearly wanted to just have with you, and then further deflected saying you were here for my sake right now?”

“Fuck…” Yamcha stared at Maron, who was back at her game. “Did I seriously just shoot down one of the hottest girls I know when she was flirting with me?! But… no, that can’t be right, she’s out of my league-”

“I’m starting to see why you’re single. This is just embarrassing… and you’re supposed to be the one helping me?”

“Maybe I should go talk to her again, see if you’re right and she was flirting-“ Frieza grabbed his arm and stopped him before he could go more than a step back toward Maron.

“No, you’ll just embarrass yourself at this point. The moment has passed.” The human looked so dejected that it made even the emperor uncomfortable, so he sighed again and grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to look him in the eye. “I can’t believe I of all people have to be the one to remind you of this, but compared to most of the men I’ve seen on this miserable planet you’re in the upper tiers, appearance wise. And you’re not completely vapid, whereas she may well be. So don’t chase her, that’s beneath you. Now let’s stop stalling and find me someone, this has been going on longer than my patience is allowing-“

Yamcha threw an arm around the shorter man’s shoulders, suddenly in a great mood. “I had no idea scary Mr. evil emperor could be so nice! And now that I’ve got my confidence back I’m totally not gonna miss it next time a lady is giving me the ‘interested’ signals!”

“I doubt that,” Frieza replied, pulling away.

“Uh huh… Hey, I just got a great idea, let’s make this a competition! Whoever gets someone’s number first is the winner-”

“Number?”

“Phone number. Although I guess… you don’t have a phone, do you?” Yamcha looked thoughtful. “I guess I’ll write down my number for you to use if you exchange contact info with someone-“

“No need, just tell it to me and I’ll memorize it.”

“Alright, smart ass,” he did so, and was annoyed when the emperor repeated it back easily enough. “So for the time being you can borrow my phone if you need to for purposes of setting up your date, but don’t use it for sexting or lewd photos, I don’t wanna see that.”

“That won’t be an issue. You seem to forget you’re dealing with a man of great class here.”

“Yeah, cuz nothing says classy like indiscriminate murder. That said… I should take a photo of you. Non-lewd obviously. That way once I win our competition I can maybe help you out by showing it to any men I meet.”

“That won’t be necessary, I’ll have this taken care of before you can even- hey!”

There was a bright flash from the human’s phone, and he smirked and put it away. “You’ll thank me later.” The annoyed emperor smacked his tail against the boardwalk, splintering the wood.

As they continued walking, he surveyed the area. “There are a lot of people here, but almost all of them are human. Will that complicate things?”

Yamcha thought about it for a moment. “It might. There are definitely some humans who would only consider other humans as partners. But I don’t think it’ll be a huge issue. You’re closer in size and the like to a human than someone like my buddy Puar, for example, so I don’t think too many of them will be put off by the fact that you aren’t one of us. Just maybe let them think you’re an Earthling lizard man or something and don’t mention you’re from space?”

“Fair enough… And how should I approach a human for the best chance of success?”

“I dunno… Make him feel special, and give him a compliment? Those are always good strategies- Wait, check that guy out!” Yamcha stopped them both and nodded his head toward a man headed in their direction from the opposite side of the boardwalk. “He’s your type, right?”

Frieza considered the newcomer critically. “Decent muscles, but why is he so… hairy?”

“I thought you liked hair?”

“On heads. Not chests, at least not to that extent. He looks like an ape, and that makes me think of Saiyans, and thinking of Saiyans makes me want to kill something rather than be romantic.”

The human shrugged. “But you aren’t saying he’s a complete no, right? So show me what you’ve got. Go flirt with him. You’re the one who keeps saying you don’t wanna be picky after all!”

“Fine then. Watch and learn!” The emperor strode confidently up to the man and stopped directly in front of him, bringing him to pause. “Hello. I’m Lord Frieza, and you interest me.”

“Is that so?” He replied. Yamcha watched carefully. It was hard to tell for sure, but he seemed… possibly intrigued?

“That’s correct. It seems you understand what an honor this is.” Frieza thought he had this in the bag, but since he was proving his abilities, he felt he should go all in. He’d already made this man feel special by expressing his interest in him, so now it was time for a compliment. Based on his discussion earlier with Yamcha he figured this was a good way to make a human male feel attractive… He held his eyes with his own and stated, “Looking at you, I would assume you have large genitals.”

“Oh my gawd,” Yamcha muttered, covering his eyes. The unknown man shook his head and looked disgusted.

“Pervert,” he said as he wandered off.

“Where are you going?!” Frieza demanded, trying to follow him. Yamcha jumped in front of him and held out his arms to block him.

“What the fuck, man?! You do NOT just say that to someone!”

“Why not? You made it clear that was a point of pride for you male Earthlings-“

“It’s different saying something like that joking around between friends versus saying it to someone you just met! He probably thought you were looking for casual sex!”

“Ugh! Why is this culture so needlessly complicated!” Frieza glared at the back of the man he’d just so spectacularly failed at flirting with, then turned that same look to Yamcha. “Oh, and don’t forget, we are not ‘friends’ so I’d appreciate if you didn’t ‘joke around’ with me.”

“Yeah, yeah. Now let’s try this again… Let’s role play. Pretend you’re approaching me and then ask me out. This way we’ll make sure you don’t pull anything as ridiculous as you did a moment ago next time you do this for real.”

The alien sighed. “Very well,” he said sarcastically. “Hello, my name is Lord Frieza, and you look like you’re desperate enough to say yes when asked out by anyone, so let’s have a date, shall we?”

“I’m gonna give Lord Beerus such a talking to next time I see him…” He sat down on the edge of the board walk. Frieza did the same after taking a few seconds to brush away the sand.

“You aren’t all bad,” he said after a moment. “You have your looks going for you after all, and your stubbornness, while irritating, is something I can respect. If you’d stop getting in your own way I’m sure you’d be able to find a romance you were very happy in.”

“You really think so?”

“Yes, of course. So with that in mind, perhaps you’d like the honor of accompanying me for a date this evening?”

“O-oh, right, we’re role playing,” Yamcha cringed slightly. “Yeah, that was a good approach, much better than what you pulled a few minutes ago.”

Frieza smirked. “Of course. I only failed due to a slight cultural misunderstanding. Now let’s get back on track.”

They both stood back up. “Got it… But, uh… did you mean what you said a minute ago?”

“Your neediness is an embarrassment.”

“And your rudeness continues to make this whole thing way harder than it should be,” Yamcha countered.

“This is getting us no closer to our end goal,” the emperor pointed at a business further up the beach. “You said we could make this a competition, did you not? It looks like there are quite a few people gathered there. I’m certain I could get a date before you even had the nerve to talk to someone in a crowd like that!”

“Hey, that’s a bar- you’re a genius, bars are perfect for meeting people! Let’s go, I’m gonna kick your ass at this!” He jogged over to the establishment. The majority of the wall overlooking the beach was a large door that had been rolled up overhead, allowing the ocean breeze in and the large crowds of people to spill out onto a patio. When he reached the entrance and was inwardly pleased to be carded (lucky genetics and a healthy lifestyle seemed to keep him youthful- he could pass for being much younger than he was and he loved it), but as the bouncer affixed a paper ‘ID Checked’ wristband to his arm, he wondered if this was going to cause a problem for the alien- maybe he’d need to get him a fake ID-

-or not. The alien was already past the doorman and standing on the patio amongst all the other attractive (and in many cases inebriated) party people in their beach clothes. The perks of being able to move fast enough that normal people couldn’t see you mixed with not caring about obeying the rules!

He looked around at the packed crowd… there were a lot of pretty ladies here. In little bathing suits. “Oh boy,” he whispered nervously to himself.

Maybe he’d buy a drink before he got to flirting. Give Frieza a head start, just to be nice. With that in mind he made his way inside, found a seat at the bar and waved down the bartender.

Frieza stood in the center of the patio with his arms crossed. This place was… rowdy. He wasn’t sure he liked it. It reminded him of some of the places he’d gone with the Ginyu Force a few times.

That made him a little nostalgic. It was a shame his favorite mercenaries were dead- if they were here he’d have this test in the bag. The Captain had made it very clear on numerous occasions that he found him attractive, and he certainly got along well enough with that quirky yet strong fool to be able to force his way through a date with him.

Well, time to make up for his earlier failed attempt! He’d show that Yamcha that he could find a date before he did! But who here was at his level? He took a look over the crowds.

Back at the bar, Yamcha sipped his beer and watched Frieza. The man was just standing there, and he almost felt bad for him…

“Hey, your hair looks really healthy!” He turned and saw a woman had sat down next to him. She was pretty clearly drunk. “What do you use on it?”

“Uh, whatever shampoo and conditioner is on sale?” He replied.

“Oh, you’re funny!” She giggled, and reached up to touch it. “It’s so soft!”

“Thanks?” He replied. Frieza was talking to someone! He wished he could hear what they were saying, but between the loud music, the noise of the crowds, and the distance between them there was no chance of him figuring it out. Crap, if he didn’t do something fast the alien would get a date before he did and the idea of losing in this to him of all people really pissed him off!

“I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere. Are you on TV?”

Trying and failing to read Frieza’s lips, Yamcha shrugged off the question. “I have been, yeah.”

She sighed. “Okay. Um… are you gay or something?”

That got his attention. “No, what makes you think that?!”

“You’ve got a cute girl talking with you but you’re just staring at that pale guy over there. I get it. Good luck with him!” She gave him a playful punch in the arm and then got up, vanishing into the crowd as he sputtered.

“Wait, you were flirting?!” He finally managed to say, but it was too late, she was gone. “Argh! Damn it, how do I keep missing this!” He glared back over at the other side of the room, where Frieza and that other man were still talking. “Damn him, getting me distracted so I missed my chance… Alright Yamcha, time to bring out the literal big guns…” He chugged the rest of his beer, took off his shirt, and pulled back his hair. Sure enough, he could see quite a few people sneaking looks at him, and he stood up and took a few steps into the crowd, ready to work his charm… then spotted the girl from a few minutes prior, now chatting with another guy, and sighed, turning back to the bar. Maybe he’d grab one more drink first.

While all this was going on, Frieza had been surveying the room. As someone who was used to commanding attention simply through the force of his terrifying reputation and sheer presence it was… unnerving being surrounded by people who were completely ignoring him. It didn’t help that it seemed like practically all the men here were taller than him- they looked right over his head.

“You seem a bit lost,” A man said, approaching him. Not his type, he quickly determined. Too unkept. He smelled like he’d been in the ocean all day, and he was overly skinny. “Looking for someone?”

Clearly not a potential date, but maybe he could still be useful? “Yes,” the emperor replied. “I’m attempting to find a man to take out on a date as soon as possible.”

“Well, you’re in luck, I just so happen to know a guy with a clear schedule for the evening that thinks you’re fascinating.”

“Good. Bring him to me,” Frieza replied, looking past him and seeing to his irritation that Yamcha had a woman sitting with him- and she was stroking his hair!

The skinny guy laughed awkwardly, “Well the thing is, he’s me. So what do you think, shall we go find someplace a little quieter so we can chat? The music isn’t so loud out on the patio-”

“You’re kidding me, right?” The alien watched the girl giggling at whatever joke his host must have just told and cringed. “Ugh, fine then, for lack of a better option you’ll do. Let’s get this over with-“

“Geez, never mind. I’m not into being treated like dirt!” He started to walk away, so Frieza blocked his path with his tail.

“You do realize I could kill you without making even the slightest bit of effort? So let’s… take a ‘romantic’ walk on a beach or something!”

“Look, I don’t know what your problem is, but I don’t want anything to do with it. Go harass that guy you keep staring at!” He stormed off.

Frieza sighed. “Why is such a trivial task so difficult?” Oh well. Anyone who didn’t understand he was doing them a favor by letting them have a moment of his time clearly didn’t deserve it.

A woman walked past him holding a wine glass- of course, this was a drinking establishment, they have wine! He’d make Yamcha buy him some. He headed in toward the bar, but he’d lost sight of the human in the crowd.

Well, if he couldn’t find him, maybe he could get a potential date to buy him a drink… So he looked over the crowd again. Surely someone here had to be up to his standards?!

“Bingo…” His eyes came to rest on the broad back of a man with fantastically proportioned muscles, gorgeous hair pulled back in a thick ponytail, and the sexiest ass he’d seen in ages. Now this was exactly his type!

But… how to approach? As much as he hated to admit it this evening had made it clear he really didn’t know how to navigate flirting in this society. Not that his assigned guide was any better at it…

Then again, for all he knew Yamcha was off making out with that girl from earlier right now. So he stood up straight, reminded himself that he was Lord Frieza, and that this person should be honored by his interest- and strode up to them. “It seems I have nothing to drink. Can you help me with that?” A good line for a bar, he was proud of himself- then the hottie looked back over his shoulder. “Yamcha?!”

“Yeah, sure. You don’t like beer, right? So what do you drink?”

The alien covered his face, embarrassed. “You took your shirt off and changed your hairstyle.”

“Well yeah, showing off a little won’t hurt my chances of impressing someone, right? I mean, look around, I’m definitely the best built human here,” he smirked.

“I’ve noticed,” he replied dryly. “Now buy me a drink and tell me what happened with that woman earlier.”

Yamcha flagged down the bartender. “Whatever this guy wants, put it on my tab.”

“Yes sir-“ he leaned over the bar to try and see Frieza’s arm. “You got a wristband?”

“Oh, uh,” he quickly ripped his own off then held it around the alien’s wrist, raising it up for the bartender to see while covering the rip in the paper with his thumb. “See, he’s good!”

“Okay, what’ll it be?”

“Your best red wine.”

The bartender looked like he wanted to say something, but Frieza gave him his most intimidating glare and he quickly backed off. He then pulled his arm away from the human’s grip.

“If you wanna keep drinking alcohol on Earth you should probably get an ID card. How old are you, anyway?”

“I’d have to do some research to be able to convert my age as measured by the cosmic calendar into your Earth’s years.”

“Well, give me some vague idea. You’re obviously an adult at least-“

“I’m older than Vegeta by some margin, if that answers your question.”

The taller man was relieved. “Oh thank Kami, I don’t have to feel bad about helping you get booze then!”

The bartender returned a moment later holding a small plastic screw top bottle and a wine glass. “Here you are!” He then quickly retreated.

“…I hate this planet.” Frieza opened the bottle, sniffed the contents, and poured it into the glass. “Yamcha, do not tip him for this.”

The human found that hilarious. Watching him laugh, the smaller man scowled. Why was it so hard to find humans that appealed to him? Yamcha couldn’t be the only handsome man with a great body in a place like this, surely! He took the tiniest sip of his wine- it tasted cheap, but it was better than nothing- and looked around a moment more, and sighed. “We’ve gone drastically off topic. So, that woman?”

Yamcha sighed himself. Right, he hadn’t succeeded in getting any ladies’ numbers… “I had no luck. What about you and that guy?”

“What, was something wrong with her? The girl who was all over you earlier?”

“Oh, her? She was just asking about my hair care routine-“

“She was touching you and giggling. Even I, an outsider to this society, would immediately recognize that as flirting!”

Yamcha leaned against the bar and closed his eyes. “So maybe I kinda figured that out right as she was giving up on talking with me. But it’s so hard to be sure! What about you? That guy looked interested.”

“He was extremely interested, and unlike you I’m fully capable of recognizing such things, but when I expressed that I’d be willing to lower myself and honor him with my presence he decided to get offended and reject my generosity.”

The taller man shook his head. “So I can’t seem to be sure when someone’s into me, and you can’t respond properly when someone’s into you, huh? What a set of unlucky guys…”

“I’m not sure if my patience can withstand much more this evening. I think I’ll take my leave.” Frieza finished his drink. Yamcha did the same.

“I hear you. But this has been a valuable learning opportunity I think! Now I know what we need to work on, so we’ll try again tomorrow-“

“With a less haphazard strategy, I assume? But…” Frieza gave Yamcha his cruelest smirk. “At least today, I won our little contest.”

“What do you mean? I thought you scared that guy off?”

“That may be true, however, I still succeeded in procuring a man’s phone number, while you have nothing to show for your efforts this evening despite trying so excessively hard.”

“You did?! Who? Was it that guy you intimidated?”

“Don’t you remember? You gave me yours. As such I won before our game even began!”

“That SO doesn’t count!” Yamcha grumbled as he waved off the chuckling alien. “I’m gonna close out my bar tab, then we can get outta here.”

While the human was fighting to get the bartender’s attention, Frieza waited impatiently by the door.

“Hey, that guy you were just sitting with, was he your friend?”

A human woman, with a similar look to the girl Yamcha had gotten so flustered over on the beach earlier, moved her eyes excitedly between the emperor and his host. “He is accompanying me, yes.”

“Is he single?” Yeah, it was obvious that’s where this was going.

Frieza could help the guy out… but he wasn’t feeling that charitable today.

Yamcha slipped his wallet back into a pocket on his shirt and met up with Frieza at the bar’s entrance. “Okay, I’m all set. Let’s get out of here. But hey, who was that girl you were talking to a moment ago? She was so pretty!”

“Oh, her? She wanted to know if you were single.”

“Really?!”

“So I told her you were happily married.”

“You are the absolute worst wingman, you lying jerk.”

- - -

“Well! This has proven to be far more entertaining than I could have imagined!” Beerus snickered.

Whis tapped his staff against the ground, and the projection it had been displaying of Freiza and Yamcha vanished. “Indeed, but have you noticed something else interesting about these two?”

“Yes, how could I have missed it? …who could ever have guessed that when my prophecy suggested forcing Yamcha to spend time with Frieza would be the end of his desire to take my job, that it could have meant this?”

“This Yamcha fellow… there’s a lot more to him than their initially appears. Let’s continue to monitor this situation closely-“

“Oh, this is better than a TV show, I can’t look away!”

End Chapter Three: Down by the Water

Author’s Note: Far from my favorite chapter but anyway. You may have noticed Frieza sarcastically called Yamcha ‘Romeo’ near the start of this- in the dubbed anime and in one of the games Frieza quotes Shakespeare (Hamlet, and Romeo and Juliet), which has lead to me having the head canon for ages that Frieza is into this sort of stuff and is pretty well read. To think, Earth’s most famous playwright is even known in space! Anyway, part of why I mention it here is because another of his works will be referenced prominently later in this fic and I wanted to remind you that Frieza making references to this guy’s works is somewhat canonically accurate.

Anyway! Next chapter, Yamcha finds out one of his friends is enthusiastically willing to go on a date with Frieza… but there are a couple, uh, complications.

Chapter Text

Chapter Four: I’ll Steal ‘Em If You Want ‘Em

“It’s seriously the worst… Frieza is such an ass, but I’m stuck with him until he can get a date?!” Yamcha slumped forward, leaning his elbows on the table and covering his face with his hands. “That’s never gonna happen if we just rely on him figuring out how to flirt! So come on, can’t you do this, just once, for my sake?”

Across the table, Tien shook his head. “I’m not interested in dating anyone. It would interfere with my focus- and if I did, it wouldn’t be Frieza. Don’t forget I’ve had plenty of experience with that jerk at this point. Even fighting alongside us in the Tournament of Power he still made it more than clear he felt no loyalty to our side.”

“But you’re my only hope of getting my life back!” Yamcha sat back up and grabbed his former rival’s arm. “I know a couple other gay guys but they’re all normal human beings! I wouldn’t feel right if I hooked them up with Frieza, you’re the only one who could defend himself if things went bad!” A loud sneeze was heard from the other room, then a swear. “Wait, is Launch here?”

Tien nodded. “She visits the dojo periodically-“

Sure enough, the woman in question entered the room. “Hey, it’s Yamcha! Been a while, how’s it hanging?” Blonde currently. While she’d tamed her wildness a little bit over the years, he still made a mental note to make sure his wallet wasn’t missing before he left.

“Badly,” he replied, slumping back on the table again, then quickly recapped the situation.

“…so thanks to Lord Beerus I’m in this awkward position with Frieza,” he finished a minute later, pausing to take a sip of the tea Chiaotzu had brought him. “And I’d hoped I could talk Tien into going out with him so I could get him out of my apartment before Puar gets back, but it looks like that’s not happening-“

“Well, if all he needs is one date, then I’m happy to take this bullet for ya!” Launch replied.

“Are you kidding me? Frieza is evil, I don’t think you understand what you’re trying to volunteer for here- when you say ‘take a bullet,’ well, with him that might be literal.”

“Ah, come on, it’s not like I can’t take care of myself!” Launch laughed, “And I’m super curious about this alien tyrant that I keep hearing y’all go on about.”

“Even if this wasn’t a completely unsafe idea, it still wouldn’t work,” Tien shook his head. “Apparently, Frieza isn’t attracted to women.”

“And? It’s just a date, it’s not like we’re gonna get married or nothin’! It could be like the platonic dates we go on!” She punched Tien lightly in the arm.

“Those were dates?”

“They are if I say they were.” She turned to Yamcha. “So give me his number, I’ll call him up and ask him out right now! He’s probably as desperate to get this over with as you are so I’m sure he’ll say yes-“

“There’s no way I can just sit back and allow you to get yourself killed.” Tien stood up and crossed his arms. “If this was just some unsavory human that we were talking about I’d have no doubt you could defend yourself, but Frieza is unimaginably strong and has a quick temper. It’s too dangerous.”

“Then you can come along too if you’re so worried,” she replied, shrugging.

“I can’t see Frieza accepting this if he has to have a chaperone. He’s prideful and would probably see that as an insult-“

“Okay, how about this then? We’ll tell him it’s a double date, that way you can both come along and help me make sure he behaves without him getting all mad about it!”

“A double date?! So are you implying that if you’re Frieza’s date, then I’m…” Tien glanced at Yamcha.

“See, it works perfect!” She gave him a sly smile. “I get my curiosity fulfilled, Yamcha gets rid of his Frieza problem, and you get to go on a date with the guy you’ve been too shy to-“

“AHEM,” Tien loudly cleared his throat and then re-steered the conversation. “Even with Yamcha and myself there to back you up, Frieza could still take down the three of us easily-“

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Yamcha stood up so quick he nearly knocked over his chair. “This is such a good idea, and I’m sure he’ll go for it after yesterday made it obvious that finding him a date was gonna be a lot of work. And Tien, you’re worried for nothing, the three of us could definitely subdue him if we had to-“

“You can’t be thinking clearly! Frieza’s on a totally different level from us!”

“Maybe he was at some point, but he doesn’t seem that bad right now,” Yamcha grinned. “Or maybe I’ve just gained more strength than anyone’s realized?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I was able to break his grip easy enough when he grabbed me, I was able to make him move his arm, and he attacked me once and it hurt but I’m not injured, much less dead!”

“Has it occurred to you that maybe he was taking it easy on you because he needs you for this?”

“If that’s the case then he still needs me until this date is over, so we should all be safe!”

“That decides it!” Launch proclaimed, “I’m gonna go on a date with an evil space alien! Can’t wait!”

Tien sighed. “It seems we’re doing this… I hope you’re right, Yamcha.”

“I’m sure I am. Although… are you two absolutely sure we can’t just have Tien be the one to date Frieza and I’ll date Launch?”

“Positive!” They both said. Yamcha nodded.

“Just had to ask. Okay, I’m gonna head home. When Frieza’s done training with Goku for the day I’ll have him give you a call- I think he has to be the one to ask her out for it to count.”

Chiaotzu nervously asked, “please be safe you three!”

Yamcha ignored the others as he ran out the door in high spirits. This would all be over tonight!

- - -

“I can’t believe I agreed to this,” Frieza handed the phone back to Yamcha. “Allowing an insignificant human like yourself to set me up with a woman… and tell me, if you’re as heterosexual as you claim, why does this ‘double date’ involve you accompanying Tien? I’m no expert on human gender but I’m fairly certain he’s male.”

There was no way he was gonna admit it was to keep an eye on him, so the human lied, “I guess spending time with you has just made me curious? I figure this is a way I can expand my horizons a bit and better understand you.”

Frieza gave him a suspicious glare. “That doesn’t seem the slightest bit in keeping with what I’ve learned of your personality in our brief time together, but I won’t waste my time over thinking it when I should be done with you by the end of the night. Anyway, on that subject, she says they’ll pick us up at seven, so we have about a half hour until then. How should we… prepare for this?”

“Well, obviously you can’t go out naked, so let’s take a look at the handful of outfits we have for you.” The human opened his closet and looked at the small section on the far left where he’d been storing the clothing Chichi had tailored to fit Frieza. “I’m gonna assume we’re doing something casual, but don’t worry, I already let them know you’d had enough of the bar scene after last night.”

“Thank goodness for that. It was a loud and obnoxious waste of my valuable time.”

“Here, put these on-“ Yamcha threw a pair of distressed acid wash jeans and a faded black t-shirt at Frieza. “Let’s see how you look pretending to be a normal human.”

As he pulled them on, the alien wrinkled his nose. “The fabric seems ancient.”

“These were some of my own old clothes, what do you expect? I had her modify them for you ‘cuz I’m not wearing them any more- oh wow.”

The outfit on- and, to Chichi’s credit, perfectly fitted to Frieza’s unusual form, tail and all- Frieza glared. “What? You look like you have something to say about how I look!”

“Nah, you look great, I’m just dying because I accidentally dressed you as- well, wait-“ he ran back to the closet, sorted through his own clothes, and pulled out a similarly old grey and blue flannel button up. “Put this on over it! It’ll be a little big but having it not fit is perfect for the aesthetic.”

“Not until you explain yourself.”

“It’s retro grunge, and it really, really suits you.”

He sighed, but accepted the outerwear and obligingly put it on, leaving the front unbuttoned. “Oh whatever. I don’t know what that means and I really don’t care-“

“Yes, that’s it! Your whole ‘asshole that doesn’t give a shit’ routine is perfect for this look!” He laughed some more and ignored the emperor’s glaring until Frieza’s patience wore away completely and he gave him a good hard smack with his tail, knocking him to the floor.

- - -

“Eyes on the road, Launch!” Tien shouted as their vehicle drifted onto the side walk.

“Yeah, yeah,” she replied, giving the wheel a hard jerk to get back in her lane before once again nearly turning around in her seat to speak to Frieza in the back. “So you have an entire army working for you even though you’re strong enough to blow up a planet? That’s so seriously badass!”

“Well, of course. Why should I bother dirtying my hands over trifling matters when I can delegate such work?” Frieza shrugged. “I conserve myself for when my abilities are required… of course, from time to time I’ll admit it can be enjoyable to take on a bit of the heavy lifting myself. Seeing the fear in the eyes of my enemies when they realize just who they’d antagonized, well, it’s a uniquely thrilling reward.”

“I know what you mean! Whenever I’m holdin’ someone up and I pull out my bazooka and they have that moment where they go from thinking I’m just some innocent lady to realizing I could end ‘em, it’s the best!”

“Holding someone up, you say? You rob people? And here I thought this whole group was full of insufferable goody two shoes types,” Frieza smiled. “Perhaps tonight won’t be a complete bore after all.”

Yamcha and Tien exchanged glances, both suddenly nervous. Introducing these two might not have been the best idea… “So where are we headed?” Yamcha asked, eager to change the topic.

“There’s a place not far from here that I always grab a meal at when I’m in West City! The staff always treats me real nice, and the food and drinks ain’t bad either.”

They arrived a minute later. “It doesn’t look like much,” Frieza said, appraising the humble building.

“Pizza huh? Good thinking, Launch!” Yamcha was pleased- this would get the night over with a lot quicker than a fancy multi course meal, and be a lot easier on his wallet too (he’d promised to pay for the group, they were doing him a favor after all).

“Right? Everyone likes pizza.”

“And pizza is what?” Frieza inquired.

“It’s an extremely popular meal on Earth, although not exactly healthy…” Tien wasn’t thrilled with the choice, but he didn’t want to complain- they were here for Yamcha’s sake, after all.

“Like Frieza has to worry about that,” Launch said with a shrug, “he’s strong as heck, and he’s got a killer body. Eating a little junk food from time to time isn’t gonna hurt him.”

“What a refreshing change, to be spending time with someone who sees my superiority! It’s been a disappointingly rare thing on this planet!”

“Are we gonna just stand here all night or are we gonna actually do this?” Yamcha sighed.

“Let’s go pig out!” Launch headed in, with the rest of the group close on her heels. They were greeted by a hostess.

“Welcome to West Pizza, are you here to pick up take out or- oh, Ms. Launch!” She went from customer-service-friendly to horrified in a split second, then forced a smile. “W-welcome back!”

“You know I can’t stay away for long!” She laughed. “It’ll be a table for four this time. Try and put us in a quieter section, I wanna make sure I can hear my date!” She put her arm around Frieza’s shoulders, and Yamcha and Tien both tensed up, but the alien seemed surprisingly unbothered by it.

“Yes ma’am! Right this way!”

Once they were seated in a booth near the back of the restaurant Frieza groaned. “This place seems like… a bit of a dump.”

“I’m more concerned about how that employee reacted to you,” Tien said to Launch. “What exactly transpired here?”

“Eh, a while back I was getting chased by some police officers and holed up in here for a bit. Don’t worry though, I paid for the pizza I ate while I was in hiding, and gave ‘em an extra tip to replace the windows after the cops shot ‘em out. Ever since then they’ve loved me here!”

“…I think they’re more afraid of you,” Yamcha muttered.

“Being feared is much better than being loved. Once they realized you were not someone to be messed with they worked harder for your approval. A perfect example of how being nice doesn’t pay off in the end,” Frieza smiled.

“You hit the nail on the head there! Now tell me more about what it’s like being an evil space tyrant!”

Yamcha grabbed the menu and loudly cut them off. “We should decide what we’re ordering, shouldn’t we? I figure we can get a couple pizzas to share with different toppings on each of them so that Frieza can figure out what he likes?”

That kept the conversation on food for a bit, to Yamcha’s relief, but soon the waiter- who was every bit as nervous as the hostess- had their orders in… And the criminals were right back to encouraging each other.

“Like we were saying earlier, there really is something thrilling about seeing the fear in your enemies’ eyes. I bet you get that all the time though with your reputation!”

Frieza nodded. “Of course. While most of the denizens of this planet are blissfully unaware of my might, the rest of the universe trembles at the very thought of me. When a being is strong enough to kill an entire population without breaking a sweat that level of fear and respect comes naturally!” He was surprised at how much he was enjoying talking with Launch- after spending all his time thus far on Earth having to put up with a bunch of heroic types conversing with someone who understood and respected his evil was a refreshing change.

After several failed attempts at getting the conversation back to less volatile subjects Yamcha sighed and said quietly to Tien, “At least he’s behaving himself while he talks about murder…”

His friend nodded grimly. “Let’s still do what we can to keep them from getting too worked up. I’m starting to think introducing these two could end with a bit of…collateral damage.”

“So there I was, back behind the counter where no bank customer should be, when two armed security guards come running in. They see me and just immediately start sayin’, ‘Oh no, it’s not safe here, didn’t you hear the alarm? This bank is in the middle of a robbery!’ It’s like those dumbasses just couldn’t perceive a little lady like me as a threat!”

Frieza was hanging onto every word. “Oho! Completely disarmed by your appearance? What idiots! I take it you took advantage of this error?”

“Naturally! I walked right over to them like I wanted them to protect me or somethin’ and then bam! Shoved one of them into another, then in the confusion I grab both of their guns right outta their holsters and had them sit real still while I tied them up. Then I took a blowtorch to the safety deposit boxes and helped myself to their contents, and by the time the cops finally arrived I was a few million Zeni richer! I did have to outrun the cops on the way out, but I was a better shot than they were, so it wasn’t too tough, heh!”

“If only my forces had half of your nerve!” Frieza smiled. “Would you be interested in a high paying job where you’ll be able to find even more violent thrills than you could ever imagine-“

Tien had finally had enough, and brought his hand down hand on the table. “Alright, I’m going to have to stop this right here. This is supposed to be an obligation date, not a career fair!”

“You’re no fun these days,” Launch pouted, but Tien’s expression didn’t soften.

Frieza shook his head. “I’ll back down for now so as to keep the main purpose of tonight on track, but do think my offer over.”

Yamcha rolled his eyes. Why was Frieza so quick to be impressed with Launch? “You know, it’s not like she’s the only one of us with a dark side, you know! I used to be a violent criminal too!”

“I find that hard to believe,” Frieza said, but he kept his eyes on his host while he picked up another slice of pizza and took a small nibble. Yamcha couldn’t help but grin as he further explained.

“Well it’s true, I was a bandit for a few years, known as the feared ‘wolf of the desert’-“

“More like hyena,” Launch interjected.

“Shut up. Wolves are cooler! Anyway, that’s actually how I met Goku in the first place, he strayed into my territory and got the shit beat out of him. I was ready to kill him!”

His favorite topic now on the table, Frieza leaned forward. “You once attempted to kill that annoying monkey? Oho, you’re certainly improving my opinion of you right now. I’d like to hear more about this.”

Yamcha smirked and relaxed casually in his seat, smirking “Well, you see-“

Tien cut him off. “Yamcha, let’s go check on something.”

“Huh? Yeah, give me a second-“

“Now, Yamcha.” His former rival got up and left the restaurant, and with an apologetic shrug he got up and followed him.

“What’s this about? Do you think it’s safe to just leave them in there unsupervised?” He asked once he got outside.

“It will only be for a moment, and I don’t think Frieza would harm Launch, he clearly enjoys her company.”

“Yeah,” Yamcha crossed his arms. “Launch is awesome and all but geez, he’s acting like she’s the most fascinating person on this planet or something-“

“I knew it. You’re jealous of the positive attention she’s getting from Frieza.”

“Why would I be jealous? I don’t need Frieza to think I’m cool, I just need to get him through this date so I can get him out of my home!”

“Yes, you’re the one having to spend time with him and tend all of his needs yet he still doesn’t seem to think much of you,” Tien probed, and Yamcha took the bait.

“Right? I’m working my ass off and being as friendly as I can under the circumstances but he still treats me like dirt, whereas Launch just shows she has one little thing in common with him and suddenly their BFFs? She’s not THAT different from me but she’s even getting job offers-“

His friend sighed. “You just proved my point.”

“W-what?!”

“Listen, I don’t know why you’re doing this, but please try and keep a level head. Launch and yourself, you’re two of my favorite people. I don’t want you getting a ruthless murderer all stoked for violence just because you feel like you need to impress him. Now I’m heading back in before those two decide to go on a rampage together.”

Having said his piece he returned to their booth, and an embarrassed Yamcha followed him a moment later. Why did he care what Frieza thought? They weren’t here to make friends… he reminded himself of this and did his best to get through the rest of the meal while biting his tongue.

Once they were done and he had settled the bill (which he paid in full, despite the staff’s insisting it was ‘on the house’ while they stared at Launch in terror), the group stepped outside and Yamcha held up a carry out box of pizza and cleared his throat. “Lord Beerus! Lord Beerus, we have food and news for you!”

“Will this really work?” Tien asked.

“Bulma says this is how she contacts them,” he replied. Frieza shook his head disdainfully.

“Food is all they care about- or should I say, food and humiliating me. This should work.”

Sure enough, the divine beings arrived a moment later. “Well well, you got us pizza!” Beerus grabbed the box.

“More importantly, I’ve just completed a date with this delightful lady,” Frieza said, “and that completes this useless task-“

“Not so fast,” Whis said. “Do you think we haven’t been keeping an eye on you periodically? While you did enjoy a meal with Ms. Launch, I’d hardly call it a date. The four of you dined together-“

“It was a double date,” Yamcha explained.

“Is that so? Then forgive my doubts.” There was something in Whis’s smile that suggested this wasn’t over, and sure enough, Beerus smirked.

“I’m fully ready to accept this, but I’d hardly call it a successful date if it doesn’t end with… a goodnight kiss.”

“A KISS?!” The Earthlings all flinched.

“Of course! A goodnight kiss is proof a date was a success!” Beerus explained, grabbing a slice of pizza from his box and eating it as casually as if he’d just asked them to shake hands.

“Alright then, a kiss and then all this is over,” Frieza nodded.

“R-really?!” Launch asked.

“Yes. But I must ask… how do we kiss?”

Everyone nearly fell over. “You don’t know how to kiss? I guess it makes sense since you’ve never dated before but… it’s not like it’s that hard to figure out!” Yamcha said, covering his face.

“It’s not so much that I don’t know how to but… while I’m familiar with how the word ‘kiss’ is used in such phrases as, say ‘kiss my ass’ but I’m not familiar with the actual action the word ‘kiss’ refers to.”

“You don’t even know what kissing is?!”

“Well, there’s an easy solution then! We’ll have the other couple that participated on this double date demonstrate it!” Whis suggested.

“Oh…” Tien turned red and took a step back. “I… I can’t do that.”

“Yeah, I’m not kissing a guy-“ Yamcha realized his error and backtracked, “-a guy I’ve decided is a better friend than he is a date! But it doesn’t matter if our half of the double date worked out, this is about Frieza!”

“Will someone just show me what a ‘kiss’ is so we can get this over with?” Frieza asked impatiently. “Why not you two?” He indicated the divine beings.

“Me, kiss Whis? Of course not, it’s fully inappropriate for a God of Destruction to be sharing some PDA with his assistant.”

“Uh… maybe… if you need a demonstration…” Yamcha looked at Launch. If someone here had to kiss someone, well, she was gorgeous…

Clearly embarrassed, she nodded. “Lay it on me, Yamcha! Let’s show them how it’s done!”

“Y-yeah! I hope you’re ready to have your mind blown!”

“That’s right! I hope you’re all watching closely!”

“This is gonna be great! Best thing you’ve seen all day! You’re lucky-“

“Stop stalling and just do it,” Frieza groaned.

“Okay…” Yamcha slowly approached Launch, his heart pounding, and leaned forward. She moved closer- and a few of his long hairs brushed past her nose.

“Achoo!” Launch- hair now blue- blinked in confusion, then pulled away. “W-wait, Yamcha, were you about to kiss me? I… I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way about you!”

He covered his face and sighed. Beerus and Whis fought to hold in their laughter. And Frieza was losing patience.

“What just happened?!” He demanded. Launch’s more reserved personality took one look at him and stepped back. Tien quickly positioned himself between them.

“Well, I think we can safely say this wasn’t a successful date. Let’s go, Whis-“

“Wait, we’re so close!” Yamcha desperately turned to his group. “Tien, see if you can get her to sneeze again. And Frieza, THIS is a kiss!”

By the time Frieza realized where this was going it was too late- the human had grabbed his chin and pressed their lips together- for the briefest of moments he was stunned by the sheer nerve of this man- and then he punched him hard in the stomach. “What the hell is wrong with this planet?! THAT is a kiss?! I know what that is, and that’s… that’s a sex act! Not something you do in public!”

From the other side of the parking lot, Yamcha got to his feet. “Ouch… well, at least you know what a kiss is now, so you can-“

“I refuse to do something that intimate with someone I’m not attracted to while you all watch like a bunch of perverts!”

Tien sighed. “Well, that ends that. Good luck, Yamcha, you clearly need it. Let’s go, Launch.”

Beerus smirked at the still angry Frieza and flustered Yamcha. “Call us again when you’ve actually completed the task… No more cheating with unromantic set ups like tonight. Shall we, Whis?”

“Of course. Let me just toss out this empty box before we go-“

“Empty?! You ate all my pizza?!”

“Not all of it, you had your slice-“

They continued to argue as they left, and with just Frieza and Yamcha still outside the restaurant they both wordlessly headed home.

- - -

“This just keeps getting even more interesting… I’ve never seen such a strong compatibility. I wonder just how long it will be until Yamcha and Frieza figure it out.” Beerus mused.

“Which part are we talking about? Their compatibility as warriors, or their personalities? On the second note, it seems Frieza hasn’t acknowledged his powerful attraction to Yamcha yet, and Yamcha still refuses to allow himself to even consider that he might be interested in a man. Will they eventually embrace their budding chemistry, I wonder? Or will their stubbornness snuff out their passions before they can even begin?” Whis chuckled. “Oh, this is so much more fun to watch unfolding than a TV drama!”

“I think you might be reading too much into their actions toward each other- there’s definitely attraction, especially on Frieza’s end, but my prophecy did not specify that it would be a romance between them that would end his efforts to take my job. You saw Yamcha get punched after that hilariously bad kiss- the humans present likely all assumed the alien hadn’t used his full power, but we both know better. Frieza I assume didn’t realize it was unusual when he’s had so little in the way of interactions with native Earthlings. Even an unusually strong one like that Yamcha shouldn’t have been able to get back up after that. I think the unique compatibility between their energies is unlocking a far greater power in that man…” Beerus closed his eyes, thoughtful. “Yes, I think Frieza will give up on becoming a God of Destruction once he realizes Yamcha has a more impressive latent ability than he does.”

“Shall we make a wager, then? If it’s the power of love, I win, and if he concedes the role to a stronger warrior, you win. And the loser cleans the bathrooms for the next year.”

“Ha! I hope you’re ready to scrub my toilet then, Whis! Now let’s take a peek at what they’re doing right now!”

- - -

By the time they were back at Yamcha’s apartment his phone was already full of texts from Launch. “Okay, I know I said you can use my phone while we’re working together on this, but if your new bestie is gonna be this chatty I think I’m just gonna buy you your own line.”

“That’s fine by me. It’s rare I find anyone who actually interests me, I look forward to speaking with her further.”

“Oh come on! I’m interesting!”

Frieza ignored him and finished responding to the texts. When he was done and had handed the device back he turned away from his host and said, “I have a distasteful favor to ask of you.”

“You clobber me earlier when I was just trying to help, and now you wanna ask a favor?”

“Well you shouldn’t have… put your mouth against mine out of the blue like that!” Facing the wall, he was glad the taller man couldn’t see he was blushing. “But that’s actually what I need help with. In my own culture what you call ‘kissing’ is an extremely intimate and inherently… sexual… act. As such it’s not something I have any experience with. But if you crude humans consider that the proper way to end a date, then I suppose I have no choice. I need you to teach me.”

“Teach you how to kiss?” Yamcha’s jaw dropped, but he pulled himself back together quickly. “So this is my life now. Helping the most dangerous person I know land a date is one thing, but giving him kissing lessons?”

“Are you refusing my request?”

“No, I’ll do it. It’s actually super easy, and you’ve definitely got the lips for it!”

Frieza turned to face him. “Then I’m sure I’ll master this with my usual ease.”

“So, how to kiss…” Yamcha was thoughtful. “I guess you just put your mouth against someone else’s and move it in a way that feels good.”

“That tells me very little. Demonstrate it, please.”

“Uh…” He thought for a moment, then held up his hand. “Like this?” He gave it a quick smooch.

“I can’t see what your lips are doing when your hand is in the way.”

“I could just kiss you again, but only if you promise not to attack me.”

“Oh, never mind! I’m going to bed.”

“Suit yourself,” Yamcha shrugged, and prepared for another night on the couch.

End Chapter Four: I’ll Steal ‘Em If You Want ‘Em

Author’s Note: The hardest part of writing this chapter? I kept writing “Lunch” after I’d decided to go with what seems to be the more popular spelling these days, “Launch.” In the manga, where I first met and became enamored with her character, she was “Lunch” and always will be in my heart.

This is the thousandth Yamza fic I’ve put a little hint of Tiencha in. I LOVE that ship too, maybe some day I’ll write a proper fic for it. But likely not any time soon. Yamza just inspires me more than anything else these days.

ANYWAY. What were Beerus and Whis getting at, talking about Yamcha’s potential to be even stronger than the aliens, and his ‘compatibility as a warrior’ with Frieza? Heh, you’ll see next chapter, which will include a dirty dream, a fight, and Vegeta and Bulma- I know at least one of my readers has been waiting for those two to show up! Thank you x10000 to everyone who’s read so far, and double that thanks twice over to those of you who comment/kudos. Once again, knowing I’m not the only one who cares about this crack ship is what gets me through editing and posting this stuff.

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Five: Some Kind of Connection

“Yamcha…”

The human woke slowly, his tired mind taking a moment, as always, to remember he was on the couch, and that Frieza was in his bed. “Hmm?”

“Mmm…”

Rubbing his eyes and slowly sitting up, Yamcha asked, “What? It’s like, three in the morning…” The alien didn’t reply. “Ugh, don’t just wake me up for no reason!” He got up and approached the bed. As usual, his unwanted guest was completely buried under the blankets. “Frieza? …wait, are you okay? Frieza?” He lifted the covers, and was on the opposite side of the room before he could even process that he’d been hit.

“Do NOT come near me while I’m sleeping!” He could just barely see the alien’s tense silhouette in the semi darkness as he headed into the bathroom.

“Jerk,” Yamcha rolled his eyes and returned to the couch.

In the bathroom Frieza turned the sink on full blast and left the light off. “My goodness…” he muttered, leaning against the wall. “How… uncomfortable.”

It had started out like most of his sex dreams of late- yet somewhere Frost’s tail had been replaced by Yamcha’s hair as what the emperor was getting tangled in, and things had grown increasingly vivid… and pleasurable.

Until he woke up. “The very idea of allowing someone like him to do that with me… ugh! It’s just because he had to kiss me and put filthy repulsive thoughts in my head.” The cold water brought him back to reality and washed the lingering memories of the dream away, and he went back to bed.

- - -

“Wow…” Yamcha stared up into the sky high above him later that day. Frieza and Goku were locked in combat, moving at unimaginable speeds that even the human’s trained eyes could barely follow. Despite the distance he could feel their Kis surging. “Maybe I was wrong to think Frieza wasn’t that impressive… I should be more careful around this guy, he’s… terrifying…”

He’d never actually watched their training before, but Beerus and Whis had asked him to drop by for the tail end of it that day, and he’d complied.

“Yamcha! Hiiii!” A voice he’d know anywhere. He forced a smile onto his face and turned around.

“Hey Bulma! … Vegeta. Didn’t realize you two would be here.”

His ex smiled and her husband scowled. “Well, Beerus said he wanted Vegeta to show up for a special fight, and I figured I’d take a break from the final stretch of planning our vow renewal and come along to watch.”

“I truly hope he asked me here so that I could finally destroy that piece of shit…” Vegeta glared at Frieza above them. “I’ve been itching to get my fists in his face ever since he set foot on this planet…”

“Wasn’t expecting to see you here though!” Bulma shrugged. “Were you dropping by to visit Goku or something?”

“Well, about that… Lord Beerus asked me to be here-“

“Indeed I did.” They’d shown up so suddenly that all three mortals were caught off guard. A moment later Frieza and Goku ceased their sparing and landed with the rest of the group.

“My, what an honor, the Prince of Nothing has decided to grace us with his presence,” the emperor sneered.

“I assume I’m here to dispose of that monster?” Vegeta asked. Beerus shook his head.

“You’re here as part of a training exercise for Frieza, that much is true, but we expect a civil, friendly spar. Strictly no killing allowed.”

Frieza was inwardly annoyed at this. Under most circumstances he’d welcome a chance to clobber this obnoxious Saiyan, but if he was expected to fight him now when he’d just used so much stamina training with Goku all day he’d be at a distinct disadvantage… But he wasn’t about to let his doubts be obvious. “No killing? I’ll attempt to hold myself back, but I can’t make any promises when I am so very powerful and my opponent is so comparatively weak.”

“Of course, if you two clash as is it wouldn’t be a fair fight, would it?” Whis stepped in, and echoed the villain’s concern. “With Frieza having just spent the day in combat and Vegeta fully rested, well, it tilts things a bit too far in our Saiyan prince’s favor. But we have the perfect solution. Goku, we’d like you to team up with Vegeta for the fight. You’re similarly winded, so this should make things a bit closer to fair-“

“Two against one is an odd way to define ‘fair,’ but I’m willing.” Frieza glared at the Saiyans.

“No, this will be a balanced fight. We’re giving you a teammate of your own, who, like Vegeta, is rested and ready to fight. Yamcha, you’ll be fighting alongside him.”

“WHAT?” The whole group looked at the human.

“I don’t mind fighting, but uh…” he gestured toward the Saiyans, “I’m not exactly on their level and in no hurry to add another death to my tally.”

“Yamcha, as resilient as you are I doubt you’d die, but I also sincerely doubt you’d be of any help to me other than as a living shield,” Frieza crossed his arms.

Vegeta narrowed his eyes. “You two know each other?”

“Yeah, Frieza’s staying with me, actually, and I’m helping him with part of his training.”

“You’re living together?” Bulma cringed. “Geez… that’s an accident in the making.”

“Let’s get on with things. My time isn’t infinite, nor is my patience,” Beerus threatened. “Two on two is a fair fight. Now, let’s get this started!”

Goku, of course, was itching to get back to battle. “How about this? We’ll all stay in our base forms, and if things get to be too much for anyone-“ he glanced at Yamcha, “-they can back out of the fight at any time. Deal?”

“Oh whatever. It’s not like I’ll be attacking him anyway.” Vegeta muttered.

“Kick some butt, Vegeta! And… just do your best, Yamcha!” Bulma shouted from the spot a safe distance away that she’d chosen for spectating. He narrowed his eyes and clenched his fists. He absolutely hated when anyone looked down on him, and those two had an unfortunately raw place in his personal history.

Maybe by some fluke he’d manage to win this- or at least not completely make a fool of himself- and remind Bulma of who she should have been married to!

“Now… begin!” Whis declared.

Goku and Vegeta then advanced at Frieza. The group traded blows for about half a minute- Yamcha had fought alongside Goku enough to know that at this point, he was still playing around. Indeed, Frieza was blocking with ease even with having them both coming at him at once. A few more seconds of this and Frieza found his opening- with a quick spin, he whacked Vegeta aside with his tail and then shoved Goku back with a large wave of ki. With some temporary distance between himself and his opponents, he lifted an arm and began charging a large ball of energy overhead.

The Saiyans weren’t paying any attention to Yamcha- time to make them regret that! The Spirit Ball may be an older move of his, and lacked the raw power of what the aliens were throwing around, but it was an excellent distraction, especially when Vegeta hadn’t had much experience with the move. When the prince recovered his footing and tried to dive back at Frieza, Yamcha shot his own attack straight in the Saiyan’s face.

“Ugh,” Vegeta muttered, easily dodging it only for it to follow him, circle around him, and smack him hard in the back while he was still trying to swat it away from his front.

“Excellent work, Yamcha!” That moment had given Frieza the time he needed to finish preparing his own move, and he slammed it into Vegeta, knocking him to the ground.

“Ha!” Smiling from the praise, he glanced over to make sure Bulma had seen it… But she was paying him no attention, just watching nervously as her husband got back to his feet.

Goku was now back on the offensive, and fairly evenly matched with Frieza as he blocked his punches and kicks, occasionally landing a hit of his own with his tail. Yamcha watched that strange limb strike. It was pretty impressive… the speed he could move it with, its degree of precision, the almost sensual way it slithered through the air…

He swallowed hard, but didn’t have time to figure out why he was so distracted by this, as Vegeta was back in the battle and Frieza was getting overwhelmed.

“Yeah, Vegeta! Take that lizard down!” Bulma cheered. Yamcha sighed, then ran toward the fighters. Time to do something… ridiculous… but he knew one of his greatest strengths had always been his unpredictability…

“Hey! Guess what!” He shouted as he approached. “Yesterday I kissed Frieza!”

“What?!” Goku and Vegeta both momentarily lost their concentration and stared, wide eyed and slack jawed, at Yamcha in shock. Frieza cringed and covered his eyes.

Perfect! Exactly as he’d hoped they’d react! He quickly raised his hands, fingers splayed, to either side of his face and shouted, “Solar Flare!” A bright flash illuminated the battlefield, blinding the Saiyans yet sparing the emperor.

“Hey, that’s fighting dirty!” Vegeta bellowed.

Frieza blinked. “I see...” He smiled at Yamcha, then set into Goku with an escalating series of full power kicks. The human went after Vegeta with his Wolf Fang Fist- another move that took full advantage of his creative and unpredictable nature, and the attack pattern, which was hard enough to dodge even without being blinded, was impossible for even Vegeta to block in his current state and he was sent flying.

From the sidelines, the divine beings watched. “Yamcha is an incredibly keen warrior, isn’t he? Stylish, too,” Whis commented. “So far he’s shown us some interesting techniques and managed to be a relevant participant in this fight purely through his unconventional strategy.”

“Indeed, but if he doesn’t have the confidence to go all in physically in this battle we won’t be able to see what he’s really capable of,” Beerus stated, his narrowed eyes never leaving the man in question. “Just what exactly is the story between him, Ms. Bulma, and Vegeta? I’m sensing some sort of odd dynamic that we may be able to exploit…”

“Ah, you see, Yamcha and Bulma were essentially high school sweethearts who stayed together on and off even after they’d both outgrown one another. When Vegeta spent one night with her before going to train in space, it resulted in their son, Trunks. Yamcha seems to still be harboring feelings for her, as well as a particular resentment toward Vegeta for not only stealing his partner, but also leaving him to be her emotional support through the pregnancy and childbirth, then returning and marrying her later,” Whis explained.

“How did you know all of that?”

“Oh, a month or so ago I Ms. Bulma and I went out for gelato and the topic of past love came up-“

“Gelato?! You had that delicious, creamy sweet without me?!”

“You were in the middle of a nap and had demanded I didn’t wake you for anything less than life or death matters!”

“Gelato IS a life or death matter! It’s like pudding, yet with a thrilling coolness and an even more delectable consistency and-“ Beerus paused his rant, recomposed himself, and returned his attention to the fight. “You’d best make that up to me later, for now, let’s get Bulma to goad Yamcha into to showing us what he can really do. I need to know if our theory regarding his abilities is correct.”

Whis approached the woman. “You should keep cheering your husband on, it really seems to get him fired up!”

“You’re right,” she nodded, and drew a deep breath- then paused. “Hey, I’m dying to know, did Yamcha actually kiss Frieza or did he make that up to mess with them?”

The angel grinned. “Indeed he did, it was rather amusing to watch! It was part of the special project we assigned Yamcha to help Frieza with his trials in proving he’s suitable to become a God of Destruction. But enough about that, Vegeta needs your encouragement!”

“Right… but I want to hear all about this later!” She returned her attention to the fight then shouted, “Come on Vegeta! It’s just Frieza and Yamcha, you’ve beat them before, you can do it again!”

The human, who’d been off to the sidelines of the main fight trying to find another opening, clenched his fists.

Frieza (still the main target of the Saiyans) was struggling. He continued to block both of their attacks- that tail of his really was amazing, and he was making good use of that extra limb to help even things up in the two on one matchup- but had no space to launch any attacks of his own. “A little help would be appreciated, Yamcha!”

He took an uncertain step forward, but faltered when Bulma yelled, “don’t let your pride get you killed, buddy!”

‘Get killed’? ‘Buddy?’ Ugh! “Fuck it,” he muttered. There was no way he could win this, but it’s not like they could possibly think any worse of him… and hitting Vegeta would feel really good right about now!

His eyes only on the villain in front of him, the prince had left himself completely open from behind. Yamcha ran at him, pushing all his strength into it as he jumped and landed a kick right on the back of his head-

-Vegeta was slammed aside, and Goku was briefly distracted by this, allowing Frieza to land a good hit of his own in the Saiyan’s gut, knocking the air from his lungs.

“Not bad at all, Yamcha!” The two men shared a quick smile. “You’re better than I thought! See if you can keep him distracted while I finish off Son Goku.”

The praise of someone as feared as Frieza made Yamcha feel like he was glowing, and he gave his fighting partner a nod. “I’ll do what I can! I have a score to settle with Vegeta anyway! Let’s show ‘em what we’re made of!”

“Don’t let a couple lucky hits go to your head, you idiot!” Vegeta said as returned to the fight. “Allow me to remind you of the difference between us!” He threw a punch, but Yamcha swiftly dodged to the right, grabbed his arm, and used his own momentum to throw him.

Bulma definitely saw that, and Yamcha felt his confidence increasing. But he didn’t have long to enjoy it, as both Saiyans were quick to return to their feet.

The four men charged at one another and the battle continued. While the Saiyans tried to continue primarily targeting just Frieza, Yamcha went after his former romantic rival, drawing his attention away so Frieza and Goku could fight unobstructed. The prince didn’t appreciate this, but still didn’t want to accidentally kill the human- yet every hit seemed ineffective even as he continued to increase his power output.

“What kind of training have you been doing?” he asked, surprised.

“Don’t underestimate me,” Yamcha answered. “Now get ready… Wolf Fang Fist!”

Goku saw Vegeta go down hard out of the corner of his eye and once again turned to Yamcha in shock. Frieza laughed. “I hope you two apes are ready for a long overdue humbling!”

“Okay, I’m not gonna pretend I”m not surprised, and more than a little impressed,” Goku answered, “but… I know, Frieza, you must be sharing your ki, right? Yeah, that must be it! And if you gave him that much of it, then you must be pretty underpowered yourself right now!”

“You sincerely think I’m sharing my valuable energy with some human?”

“I know Yamcha, he’s good but he doesn’t have this kind of raw power, especially with how he slacks on his training these days,” Goku explained. “This is the only thing that makes sense.”

“Well, why not find out by hitting me with everything you’ve got?” Frieza held his arms out, palms toward Goku. “See what you can do with me if my own ki is so low.”

“Don’t forget that you asked for this, then!” Goku said, and took a step back before taking on a familiar stance. “Ka… me… ha… me…”

Not far from them, Vegeta wiped a little blood from the corner of his mouth. “I was caught off guard, but now that I know I can fight you seriously it won’t happen again!”

Yamcha just smiled and returned to Frieza’s side, taking on his own fighting stance.

The prince took up a position to Goku’s left. “Let’s finish this!”

The Saiyan nodded and continued powering up his super move while his partner also began gathering energy.

Across from them Frieza and Yamcha waited side by side. “How are you holding out?” The alien asked, noting the other’s heavy breathing.

“Well enough for a decisive hit, I think,” Yamcha replied, adrenaline and the thirst to impress both his ex and his frightening partner powering him even as his body ached.

Frieza grabbed his arm. “Good, because here’s our chance! You seem to be nearly as fast as myself, so use all of your speed!” At that moment, their opponents both launched their attacks. For a moment, all Goku and Vegeta could see was the blinding glow of their own moves- but Yamcha and Frieza just barely managed to jump over it. The emperor’s ki flared up as he used every bit of his reserve strength to throw the human at his opponents. Yamcha didn’t have enough time to charge up a full Kamehameha, but he was able to blast a sizable amount of energy from each hand, landing a direct hit on the off guard Saiyans and sending them flying to the ground.They followed them down, Yamcha pinning Vegeta to the dirt. Frieza stood on top of Goku and lifted a hand into the air, beginning to charge his Death Ball-

“Stop! Yamcha and Frieza have won!” Whis interjected.

The human let go of Vegeta, sat down, and promptly flopped backwards, panting. Despite his exhaustion there was a smile on his face as he slowly raised one fist in the air. “Yes! We’re the best!”

Frieza reluctantly ceased his attack, but made a point of smacking his fallen rival hard with his tail as he turned from him to Yamcha and held out a hand. “Get up. You can’t savor a victory properly if you look as defeated as your opponent.”

“Heh, right…” he let the emperor pull him to his feet, but was still unsteady, and Yamcha quickly put an arm around his shoulders, essentially using him as a crutch. The alien glared, but allowed it, even pulling his tail around the taller man to further help with his stability.

“Wow!” Bulma rushed over to the group, stepping over Vegeta in her haste to her ex’s side. “I had no idea you had that in you! I should have known you’d always find a way to surprise me!”

She still had the most beautiful smile, and for a moment he was glad he had Frieza’s thick tail supporting him as surely his knees would have gone weak otherwise. “Well yeah, I’ve been telling you guys for years not to underestimate me!” He hadn’t even realized he was capable of fighting on that level himself… in fact it was almost troubling. Maybe it was because of his partner? “It helps that I had someone pretty incredible in my corner.” He looked down at the man he’d been forced to work with and leaned into his tail’s grip almost subconsciously. “I’m starting to finally see why everyone says you’re such a big deal!”

“Finally?” Frieza nudged him hard in the side. “If you hadn’t proven to be such a splendid warrior I’d kill you for that.”

“Okay, so we’re both awesome. We did fight well together, huh?” Yamcha replied, nudging him back.

Whis smirked at Beerus and said quietly, “that chemistry… I’m feeling increasingly confident in my odds of winning our bet.”

“Ha. You saw how he fought. I’m feeling confident on my end too you know!”

“So what was that?!” Vegeta, brushing the dirt from his armor, glared at Yamcha. “I know your limits, you can’t fight like that. Did Lord Beerus give you some sort of buff?”

“Yeah, how’d you get strong enough to toss Vegeta around?” Goku asked, excited. “If I’d had any idea you’d gotten so much better I’d have been asking to spar! Maybe you and I can go one on one next?”

The human groaned and shook his head. “It’s gonna be a while before I can so much as think about throwing a punch again. That took everything out of me. I gotta rest.”

“Let’s go back to my place then,” Goku offered, and grabbed his arm then lifted his fingers to his forehead. They were in his living room a moment later, Frieza brought along by virtue of his grip on Yamcha.

Goten, who had been sitting on the couch eating cookies, jumped up. “Yamcha!” He ran over and gave him a hug- then looked up at Frieza. “Mom says you aren’t allowed in the house.”

“I’m well aware of that, but I don’t particularly care,” he replied, then shoved Yamcha off of him and onto the couch. The half Saiyan sat down by his adopted uncle. He sure had a lot of those.

“What happened to you, you look beat! Did you fight Frieza?”

Leaning back against the cushions, he shook his head. “Wrong on both counts, kid. I hardly took a single hit, I just spent every ounce of energy in the tank… but Frieza n’ I, together we beat your dad and Vegeta! Pretty cool huh?”

“Wow, really?!”

Goku laughed and sat down on his son’s other side. “Yep, he’s not lying. I’m still waiting to hear how he did it!”

Still standing across from them, Frieza looked at Yamcha.

How was a human so strong? He’d already seen from how he’d been able to get up time and again after taking a hit from himself that Yamcha was resilient, but everything he knew about this planet suggested its natives had unremarkable power levels. How had this human been able to fight on near equal footing to himself and the Saiyans?

The rest of the group arrived and filed into the Son family’s living room. Vegeta was immediately up in Yamcha’s face. “Okay, enough stalling. What did you do?”

Goten pointed at Vegeta’s face and laughed. “You’ve got a gigantic bruise. Did Yamcha really do that?”

“He certainly did,” Whis replied, ignoring Vegeta’s death glare and addressing the human. “We had a feeling you’d be able to fight at that level under the right circumstances, but do you understand how you did?”

He shrugged. “Not really? I guess it’s because they weren’t in their Super Saiyan forms, and I had Frieza’s help… and I wasn’t holding anything back by the end, that helped too.”

Chichi entered the room and stopped short. “Frieza, I’ve told you you’re not welcome inside our home-“

“Can he stay? He won’t be trouble, I swear,” Yamcha asked.

“Yeah, he’s cool!” Goku added.

His wife sighed, marched over to the couch to grab Goten, and dragged him back out of the room with her.

Beerus took up his vacated spot on the couch and looked at the still exhausted human to his side appraisingly. “I’ve had a feeling there was more to this guy than met the eye for quite a while, but we’ve finally began to get a full understanding of it.”

Returning without her son, Chichi sat a tray of tea and sweets on the coffee table. “As long as Goku’s keeping an eye on you I suppose I’m fine with having you in here, but if you try anything even remotely evil I’ll be takin’ care of you myself!” She threatened Frieza. He didn’t dignify this with a reply.

“What are you trying to say, Lord Beerus?” Yamcha asked.

Since the God of Destruction was busy shoving a handful of cookies in his mouth, Whis answered. “Everyone has a latent potential. Your group has several times encountered beings with abilities to bring this out- the Namekian elder did so for Gohan and Krillin, for example, then the elder Supreme Kai did so further for Gohan. Have you ever wondered how such feats actually worked?”

The fighters all shrugged. “Not really?” Goku answered for the group.

“Of course not,” Beerus muttered through his mouthful.

“As you all know, all living things have a life energy that you call Ki. You also know this Ki can be utilized and exploited for various effects in combat and otherwise. But were you aware that everyone’s Ki has a sort of specific resonance? In order to reach their full potential, a being’s Ki should resonate at the right frequency to best be utilized by their body, but for most this is completely skewed. Goku and Vegeta, for example, both have Kis that resonate at a low frequency- a bit like this.” He poured himself a cup of tea then dropped a few sugar cubes into it at a slow interval. He indicated the slight ripples in the beverage’s surface as he did so. “This resonates quite nicely with their bodies, and is part of their strength and seemingly limitless potential. When Gohan and Krillin had their potential unlocked, what was happening was their Ki’s resonance was being brought closer in alignment with their bodies’ physical limits.”

“So did one of you do something like that for me?” Yamcha asked, finally rested enough to pour his own cup of tea and take a sip.

“Of course not,” Beerus replied, licking sugary crumbs from his fingertips. “But there’s more than one way to adjust your Ki’s frequency.”

Whis nodded. “It’s unimaginably rare- in fact, there’s only been a handful of cases of it happening in all of history- but on the most unlikely of occasions, a person with an unusually high amount of latent ability encounters someone else with both heightened abilities, and Ki that resonates on the same wavelength. When that happens…” he dropped two sugar cubes at once into his tea, the ripples on the surface briefly growing larger as they overlapped. “It just so happens we have one of these incredibly rare sets of extraordinary people with us right now.”

“So you’re saying I was able to hold my own against the Saiyans because Frieza’s Ki boosts my own?” Yamcha asked.

“In part, yes-“

“This doesn’t make sense. If we have this resonant energy you speak of, shouldn’t it be strengthening myself as well?” Frieza demanded.

“It’s true that under normal circumstances that would be the case,” Beerus said, “however, while it seems Yamcha has a massive well of untapped potential, to be blunt, Frieza, you’re already pushing the limits of what your current and Golden forms are capable of. While you’re still capable of gaining strength both through your current training with Goku and from your resonance with Yamcha, any major boosts would require you to find another transformation… if you’re even capable of such a thing.”

“Wow, that sucks, eh Frieza?” Goku laughed, slapping the shorter man on the back. The emperor retaliated by sweeping his tail under him, tripping him.

“So are you trying to say that as long as he fights alongside Frieza Yamcha will be some sort of ‘Super Human?’” Vegeta asked.

“That’s one way to word it,” Whis nodded.

“You are absolutely full of surprises today, aren’t you Yamcha? Who knew the guy I dumped was actually so cool?” Bulma asked, smiling at him. He felt his heart jump a little, but something was still bothering him-

“If he needs Frieza’s Ki for it to work then it’s really nothing that special,” Vegeta scoffed. “Soon Frieza will be back to being our enemy, and Yamcha will be a nobody again. Even now, with this power up, he still would have been easily defeated even by my base level Super Saiyan form!”

“Yeah…” Yamcha sighed. “It’s really cool that I can do this, and that fight today was incredible, but if I need to rely on someone else, it’s not really my strength, is it? And it’s still not enough to make a difference compared to the real heavy hitters like the Saiyans.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Whis handed the cup of tea he’d poured minutes prior to Beerus, who took a sip and gagged from the excessive amount of sugar his attendant had put in it- then drank it anyway. “This is your own strength, and with the right training you may be able to gain enough control of your Ki to be able to manipulate its resonance on your own. Your potential may currently be hidden, but fighting alongside Frieza is only one of the myriad of possible methods to unlock it. If you do decide to pursue your greatest strength, well… I look forward to seeing what you can become.”

“Really? What would I have to do?”

“Meditation would be a good start. It will help you become more in tune with your own energy, which in time will help you further manipulate it.”

“Yamcha’s always been pretty good with his Ki, hasn’t he?” Bulma smiled again at her ex, but he was too distracted by all this new information to really let it affect him this time. “Like, wasn’t the Kamehameha supposed to be this legendary technique and he learned it just by watching?”

“Yeah, and his Spirit Ball attack, that thing completely relies on having super precise control over his Ki!” Goku added.

As his friends continued to congratulate him on the day’s events, two people weren’t so enthusiastic. Frieza’s patience continued to fray. This damned Yamcha… Of course this person he was forced to work and live with, that he couldn’t escape even in his dreams, who happened to be excessively good looking and obnoxiously immune to the terror Frieza should inspire in someone so far below him…. This person had to also have some laudable special potential, something so incredible as to gain such praise from the very deities he was supposed to be helping Frieza to impress? And the emperor of space was reduced to being a catalyst for this human’s pathetic power up?

Vegeta was also annoyed, particularly to see his wife fawning over her ex… his entire tense body was near the breaking point.

At the same moment, they both dived forward and grabbed Yamcha by the front of his shirt. “I demand a rematch, just the two of us!” Vegeta shouted.

Frieza shoved the Saiyan aside. “Ignore that monkey. You and I are going to have a little fight of our own. It’s high time I reminded you, no matter what kind of power up you might be achieving, you’re still just an insignificant ant below my feet!”

“Step aside Frieza, he’s mine!”

“Learn to wait your turn or else I’ll make you!”

At each other’s throats, Vegeta went Blue and Frieza Golden. Yamcha shook his head, forced himself to his feet, and placed a hand on each other their shoulders, firmly pushing them apart. “Come on now, you’ll both get your turn eventually!” He smirked, “there’s plenty of ol’ Yamcha to go around! But!” He flopped back onto the couch. “…I’m not kidding, I need some serious rest before I could so much as swat a fly!”

“You’ll want to train your body heavily from here if you want to pursue your full potential,” Whis scolded, “otherwise it won’t be able to support the raw power that your Ki is trying to run through it.”

“Noted… I should never have started slacking.”

“Well! Now that today’s training and special bonus sparring are over, I think we should all relax with a big meal, don’t you agree?” Beerus said, looking hopefully in the direction of the kitchen.

“You can’t expect me to pull enough food for this group out of nowhere!” Chichi glared.

“Okay then,” Bulma stood up, “how about we all celebrate Yamcha’s newfound ability by going out for dinner? My treat!”

Most of the group was enthusiastic at this suggestion, with two predictable exceptions. “I’m not going,” Vegeta snarled, “I’ve had enough of this group for today-“

“Oh, suit yourself,” she replied before turning back to her ex, “I wanted to talk with Yamcha anyway, I’m super curious about whatever Lord Beerus has been having him help Frieza with.”

Vegeta bristled at that, and shooting his most irritated glare at the man who had once been his romantic rival, he huffed, “Fine then, I’ll go. Just to keep you safe if Frieza tries anything!”

“That much isn’t necessary, I won’t be attending either-“ Frieza meant to make a hasty exit before the divine beings could try and make this yet another one of their obnoxious tests, but Yamcha grabbed his hand.

“Wait, please come! Fighting with you so was so seriously cool today, I’m not done with you until we can talk about it! And besides, if Bulma’s buying then I bet we’re going somewhere nice, you don’t wanna miss out.”

Looking at his host’s hopeful expression, the emperor sighed and shook off his grip. “If you insist. But if this meal is nothing spectacular I will not be wasting my time by sticking around.”

Beerus and Whis exchanged a quick glance. The group chatted amongst themselves as Bulma called in their reservation, and as they did, Beerus said quietly, “well, we were undeniably correct regarding Yamcha and his unique compatibility with Frieza. I can tell this has lit a fire within him, he’s incredibly thirsty to prove himself. He’ll hone these abilities for sure-“

“And did you see how quickly Frieza agreed to attend our dinner when it was Yamcha asking? And how our reluctant human is so excited to spend time with him all of a sudden? Neither of them have realized it, and certainly won’t be admitting it any time soon, but their undeniable chemistry continues to build!”

“You’re worse than a fangirl,” the god replied with an eye roll, but his attendant just chuckled and watched the two people in question as they discussed the fight.

End Chapter Five: Some Kind of Connection

Author’s Note:

So this chapter ran… long. Dinner was supposed to be part of it too but this chapter was becoming such a freaking behemoth of words that I’m cutting it down and this was the smoothest place for it.

A few things about the fight- Frieza throwing Yamcha has been on my ‘to write’ list for ages since Goku threw Frieza in the ToP XD Anyway! This fight has something special in it- it’s partially salvaged from my never completed or published second Yamza fic, the one that was supposed to be the sequel to my first fic, The Bond Between a Lizard and a Wolf (GAWD I hate the title of that fic, but I still like the fic itself). When I decided I wanted to put a two on two matchup in this fic I immediately remembered that unpublished fight and borrowed the bones of it for this- literally only the bones though, as in the original it was Goku and 17 they were sparring with instead of Goku and Vegeta, plus Yamza were very much in love at that point, and finally Yamcha’s power up wasn’t from the ‘ki resonance’ mechanic in this fic but something else. ANYWAY, with as long as I tried to get that fic to work before abandoning the idea, as well as the time I spent on a also abandoned third spin off staring Frost and Hit, it made me really happy to be able to use at least a little of that effort in a new fic.

Anyway, thanks for reading this chapter, and for reading in general! Don’t forget, kudos/comments really make my day. Since I write a rare pair it really makes the effort of editing and publishing worth it when I get confirmation I’m not the only one yearning for these two to kiss.

Chapter Text

Take A Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Six: Oh Yeah?

The dinner reservation was in an hour… the group all temporarily disbanded, as the fighters needed to get cleaned up anyway. As soon as he and Frieza got home Yamcha sat on his couch. “Geez I am still so burnt out…” He leaned back, closed his eyes, and smiled. “I can’t believe that fight… we were killer!” Sitting back up with a slight groan, he grinned at the alien. “Hey, you’re really strong as is, but I wanna see your Golden form.”

“I’d be happy to oblige, as long as you’re aware it will be the last thing you see,” Frieza replied, searching the apartment.

“C’mon, I’m curious! It’s not like I got to see you fight at the Tournament of Power, or when you came to Earth before that… Hey wait a second!” Yamcha would have liked to stand up, but settled for pointing an accusing finger. “You killed me then!”

“I have no recollection of your presence at that battle.”

“No, I mean when you blew the planet up! Just because time was rewound to prevent it doesn’t change the fact that you murdered me!”

Frieza crossed his arms. “Those two have clearly had it out for me for longer than just… this fiasco. They stole my finest victory against those Saiyan apes, now they’re putting me through all of this useless foolishness…” A thought occurred to him, and he strode over to the couch and grabbed his host by the shoulders. “You! How long until you master this supposed power up I give you?! Perhaps if we fought with you as my assistant we could take the God of Destruction position by force?”

Yamcha met his eyes- geez they were intense!- and shook his head. “Are you kidding me? I’m hoping for an apology for being murdered and instead you ask me to help you overthrow two people I actually like?”

“Oh, why did I bother even inquiring? It’s not as though your strength would be sufficient to make any difference, anyway!” Frieza let go and resumed wandering around the apartment.

“I don’t know why I expected any better,” the human muttered, then asked, “hey, are you looking for something?”

“I assume you’re about to sleep if you’re as ‘burnt out’ as you keep claiming. So I’m seeking means to entertain myself. I know you’re at least functionally literate since you can send text messages. Don’t you own any books?”

“If you apologize I’ll get you all the books you want.”

He didn’t reply, and instead laid down on the bed with a loud sigh. Yamcha decided to ignore him, and closed his own eyes… not to sleep, but to try and meditate. If he really could change his Ki’s resonance and fully unlock all of his latent potential, he had to at least try!

It was hard to calm his mind and focus on his energy when Frieza’s own cold, tight, massive Ki was so overwhelming… and he was so exhausted…

- - -

“Are you still alive?” Frieza lightly poked Yamcha in the side with the tip of his tail.

“…yeah,” the human finally responded, his voice muffled as he lay face down on the couch. “Guess I fell asleep. How much longer until dinner?”

“The reservation was five minutes ago.”

“Fuck!” Yamcha leaped off the couch, still groggy from his nap, and slammed right into Frieza, resulting in them both falling to the ground.

Perhaps it was because the position their bodies wound up tangled in on the floor brought back a faint flash of memory of the uncomfortably erotic dream he’d had the prior night, but the emperor felt his face burn and flung the human off of him. Yamcha slammed into the wall on the other side of the room, cringing as he got to his feet and assessed the damage. “Well, guess I can say goodbye to my security deposit… Now come on, we have no time, let’s get dressed and get going!”

“Or we can take our time and arrive fashionably late. Or not at all.”

Yamcha ignored him, quickly pulling clothes for them both from the closet. “Ugh, this is gonna have to do for you, it’s as dressy as we have for your limited wardrobe. Here, put these on.” He tossed a polo shirt and a pair of khakis to the shorter man, then dashed into the bathroom to wash up, comb his hair, and get into his own clothes. When he got out, he took a look at the fully dressed Frieza. “Oh wow, once again I’m accidentally a genius!”

“Meaning what?” He demanded. The unbuttoned v neck of the shirt showed off his neck and upper chest as he tensed up, irritated, and once again crossed his arms. Ignorant of Earth fashion, Frieza had left the shirt’s collar popped up, and perhaps Chichi had accidentally tailored the garment too closely, as its tightness really clung to his muscles.

Yamcha, laughing to himself, dug around in a drawer for a moment before pulling out a fancy looking box. “Here it is! I never wear this thing, but it’s perfect for your outfit- hell, it suits you in general!” He returned to the shorter man’s side and opened the box- it contained a large watch, made of gold with plenty of the sorts of excessive little details that screamed ‘I’m expensive.’ He slipped it onto the emperor’s wrist. “There! You look like exactly what you are- a total douchebag!”

“I am not sure what that word means, and from how much this seems to be entertaining you, I’m certain I don’t like it.”

“Don’t worry about it. We gotta run so we aren’t too late!”

- - -

When the two roommates arrived out of breath and several minutes later than scheduled they were greeted by the rest of the group standing outside the restaurant. Bulma, who’d been speaking with the hostess, turned to the last arrivals.

“So this is how space royalty dresses? Not exactly what I expected,” She commented to Frieza.

The emperor, who had inwardly decided he liked the gaudy watch (it reminded him of his Golden form) even if he wasn’t impressed by the rest of his outfit, shrugged. “If all I have to wear are those two’s cast offs my options are quite limited. If I had access to my ship I’d have a wardrobe that could show full class in any occasion, but alas, someone-“ he glared pointedly at Beerus and Whis- “made me agree to not utilize any of my force’s resources during my time on this remote mud ball.”

“Really now?” She looked thoughtful, and the edges of her lips turned up just slightly. Whatever she was plotting had to wait, as the group was about to be seated. As they were lead to a private room at the back of the restaurant, a flash of inspiration hit Yamcha. “Frieza,” he whispered, lagging behind his friends slightly.

“Yes?” The emperor (who’d been busying himself on his phone so as to avoid anyone making conversation with him) matched his pace.

“Between those two… do you think either of them are attractive enough you could stomach a date?” He discretely pointed at the two divine beings.

“They’re even more obnoxious than you are, and besides, they’re the ones who gave me this assignment, if I ask one of them out they’ll reject the invitation just to make things more difficult for me- what’s with that smirk?!”

“They don’t have to know it’s a date until the end!”

“How do you suppose that will work?”

“Just trust me and keep an eye on your phone. I’ll text you what to do. We’ll never say outright that it’s a date, but just keep planting enough evidence that when you thank him for the lovely evening and say the requirement was fulfilled they’ll both realize what happened and let us both finally move on with our lives. Now which one are you gonna ‘date’ tonight?”

Frieza rolled his eyes. “Whis clearly. He’s the one that’s obviously gay. Beerus is more… ambiguous. I’m leaning toward bisexual, but I’m not fully confident and don’t care enough to ask.”

“Whis is gay? How can you tell?” Yamcha asked, watching the angel in question chatting with Chichi while the restaurant staff finished reconfiguring the chairs and table in their private room.

“How can you not?” Frieza groaned.

“That aside, I’m surprised. I thought you’d rather go for Beerus. Isn’t he way hotter?”

Now it was the emperor’s turn to smirk. “You think Beerus is ‘hot,’ do you? And you still claim to be heterosexual?”

“N-no, don’t get me wrong!” Yamcha tried to explain, “Isn’t he more your type? Whis is so skinny, but Beerus has some muscle. Intense eyes and a cool tail too. But whatever, I’ll help you subtlety ‘date’ Whis tonight.”

“You’re right about the muscles, but no hair. And I never said anything about eyes and tails…” He flicked his own and smacked the taller man in the back of the head. “Are you into tails? I’d hope you aren’t getting any odd ideas about mine!”

“Oh, shut up. I just made an assumption, don’t read weird things into it!” The human sighed and looked up so his shorter companion wouldn’t notice he was blushing even though he wasn’t quite sure why he was so embarrassed about this. “Anyway, we’re about to be seated, make sure to invite Whis to sit next to you so you can later claim that was ‘asking him out.’ I’ll keep texting you advice.”

Sure enough, the table was ready a moment later, and Frieza begrudgingly decided to follow Yamcha’s latest plan. As much as they hadn’t worked out for him so far, well, what did he have to lose at this point? “Whis… would you care to join me?” He indicated a chair, then sat to the right of it.

The angel seemed pleasantly surprised by this. “Well! I could never say no to the first polite request I’ve ever received from the great Lord Frieza!”

Yamcha sat down across from Frieza and casually slipped out his phone and opened his text thread with the other man- a thread that so far only consisted of a handful of test messages to make sure the new phone worked- and sent, So throughout the meal make sure to compliment him, ask him questions, show interest. Laugh at his jokes :D

Rolling his eyes, Frieza carefully typed out a reply. While he was starting to getting a hang of this thanks to how very chatty his texting buddy, Launch, could be, he was still a bit clumsy not only at typing on this device, but also working within this alphabet. If he hadn’t already mastered multiple languages necessary for intergalactic trade this would be far harder! After a moment, he sent back, Easy for you to say. Have you heard his jokes? The man thinks he’s a comedian and it’s painful.

Just do it so we can get all this over w/!

Frieza sighed, set his phone down, and said as naturally as he could, “I simply had to request your company in hopes I’d be lucky enough to hear more of that splendid sense of humor of yours.”

“If that’s the case, you’re in luck! I do happen to have some new zingers I’ve been workshopping… How’s this one?” He cleared his throat, then asked, “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

“I’m not sure what an ‘elephant’ is.”

“Ah. Then I suppose that joke loses it’s impact.”

Yamcha cringed at the angel’s disappointed expression. Frieza sighed and picked up his menu, flipping it to the drinks section on the back.

Only rice wine? Better than nothing…

The waiter soon came in, introduced himself, and took drink and appetizer orders. Yamcha watched him circle the table and suddenly remembered the obstacle they’d reached the other night at the bar- Frieza didn’t have anything to verify his age. But he couldn’t exactly do anything about it now- for the emperor’s sake, he hoped either he didn’t want booze or that the waiter thought he was old enough not to ask.

No such luck.

“And for you sir?”

Not knowing how to pronounce the foreign brand name and not particularly caring to try, Frieza pointed at the most expensive sake on the list. “This should be sufficient.”

“Ah, wonderful. And if I could just get a quick peek at your ID?”

Frieza shook his head. “Tell me, would some minor making a pitiful attempt at getting an illicit thrill order an item of such quality?”

The waiter laughed nervously, “Uh, sorry, but I have to follow procedure. How about I get you a green tea instead?”

“Don’t bother,” he replied icily. As the waiter moved on, Yamcha nudged the alien with his foot under the table and texted, Don’t worry, I got you. Consider it my thanks for, you know, resonating with my energy or whatev ;) Frieza read it, shook his head and went back to ignoring him.

Not long after, the waiter reached the human. “And what can I get you?”

Yamcha gave his most charming and confident smile. “I’m feeling pretty thirsty, so I’ll take a large draft beer and this sake-“

Looking from the very expensive beverage indicated to the man he’d denied such a thing a moment prior, the waiter cringed, “uh, I’m sorry, but it’s pretty obvious you’re getting it for your friend-“

“Of course not!” Yamcha laughed, “now here, check my ID…” He pulled it out and handed it to the the waiter, who did a double take then looked back at its owner.

Bulma, who had sat on Frieza’s other side despite Vegeta’s protests, snickered and whispered to Frieza behind her raised menu, “oh gawd, he’s pulling this routine… looks like it’s working, too.”

“You’re really him, aren’t you?”

Taking his driver’s license back and putting it in his wallet, Yamcha shrugged casually. “Oh, I guess you might recognize me, I did play ball for a bit when I was younger.”

“If you call setting multiple still unbroken home run world records ‘playing ball for a bit’ then yeah! You’re a legend!”

Bulma rolled her eyes and snickered again, “He loves milking his lingering fame in situations like this, bet he’s about to pull out one of those cards- bingo, I knew it.“

What was this about? Frieza watched Yamcha pull some manner of… small cardboard rectangle?… out of the back pocket of his wallet, sign it, and hand it to the excited waiter.

“Thank you so much, sir! I will treasure this!”

“No problem! It’s always a pleasure to talk with a fan!” He said, then casually asked, “So are we good on those drinks I wanted?”

“Of course! I’ll get them right out!”

Once the waiter left the room, Frieza asked Bulma, “what was that about?”

“You’re living with the guy and didn’t know?” She pointed at her smug looking ex. “Yamcha’s a former pro baseball player. Since he’s such a beast compared to normal humans he absolutely dominated the sport for a while and is still somewhat famous for it.”

“Is that true? I had no idea you had such a reputation…” Frieza narrowed his eyes and asked accusingly, “If you’re such a success then why do you live in that pathetic little ‘studio’ apartment then?!”

Yamcha shrugged. “Like I said before, a smaller place is easier to keep clean. I’ll buy a house once I find myself a wife, but until then Puar and I don’t need that kind of space.”

“If you can buy better accommodations so easily then I demand you do so now! I’m not spending another night in that slum if I can avoid it!”

Chuckling, he pulled his wallet back out. “Nah. But here, have a consolation prize…” he signed another of those cards and slid it across the table to Frieza. “Hold onto that, it’ll be worth a fortune if I wind up dying again.”

“Perhaps I’ll just kill you so it’s worth something now?” Frieza replied, but accepted it and for lack of a better idea pulled the case off of his phone, slipped it between it and the device, then snapped it back together. The human just laughed.

“So you two are living together, and Lord Beerus said something about you helping him with some sort of training? Training that you had to kiss him for?” Bulma asked Yamcha.

“Oh yeah, you and Vegeta don’t know about our personal hell yet… So Frieza wants to be a god of destruction, and as a candidate for the job-“

“Wait, you’re seriously considering making this monster into a god?!” Vegeta pounded one hand against the table from his spot on his wife’s other side and pointed accusingly at the divine beings with the other.

“Well, you can’t deny he has the perfect resume for the job,” Beerus replied, barely looking up from his menu. “The necessary enthusiasm, too. But he’s been given certain tasks to prove he can handle the position, and is currently failing one of them.”

“A temporary set back that I expect to have remedied by the end of the evening,” the emperor replied through a clenched jaw.

“So what is this task he can’t do, and why do you expect him training with Yamcha of all people to help?” Vegeta sneered. The temporary roommates exchanged a quick glance of pure disgust- did this Saiyan already forget he’d had his butt handed to him by them a little over an hour ago?

“Oh, it’s nothing much,” Whis smiled condescendingly at the emperor. “Considering his track record we worried he wouldn’t be able to show restraint, understand balance, or be able to connect to the beings he’d stand over as a god. So we’ve tasked him with successfully completing a date.”

Vegeta recoiled. “That’s ridiculous!”

“Do you really question our judgement?” Beerus asked, eyes still locked on the menu.

“Wait… I think I get it now,” the Saiyan’s smirk was back and more obnoxious than ever. “You gave him an impossible task to keep him from ever gaining divine power.”

“There is nothing I am incapable of, my dear prince,” Frieza replied with a roll of his eyes. “That includes this silly little trial.”

“And this is what Yamcha’s helping you with? He’s giving you kissing lessons?” Bulma asked. The human laughed.

“The kiss was a one off thing since he didn’t know what the word meant, but yeah, they asked me to assist as someone who’s familiar with Earth’s dating culture. I’ve been helping him meet people and handle things like getting dressed, and trying to work around that abrasive personality of his.”

She looked between the both of them, and covered her face, snickering. “Wow… Vegeta’s right, they’re setting you up for anything but success-“

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?! You of all people should know I’m a great romantic!”

They glared at each other, and Bulma clearly had something to say on the matter, but Goku cut her off. “Come on you two, can’t you squabble later? I’m trying to make important choices on what I’m about to eat here!”

“Yes, what he said,” Beerus agreed. The exes both held their tongues but continued to shoot each other death glares for a little longer before returning their own attentions at last to the menu.

Drinks and appetizers arrived right after that and provided a welcome distraction. Frieza’s large carafe of sake had been delivered with two cups- he inwardly laughed that they assumed he’d be sharing. Unfortunately, Yamcha had the same idea, and the alien’s phone lit up with a message-

Offer some to Whis. We’re trying to pass this off as a date after all!

Bristling, Frieza kicked Yamcha under the table and replied, I don’t share my drinks with anyone who hasn’t earned the privilege.

The human kicked back, but Frieza’s tail grabbed him by the ankle, not only preventing the attack, but also pulling him hard enough he almost fell off his chair. Unaware of what was happening under the table, Vegeta glared at Yamcha.

“Can’t even sit up right…” He muttered.

Blushing, Yamcha felt the tail loosen it’s grip and pull away with a sort of off odd feeling in the pit of his stomach that he didn’t quite get. There was just something weird about that limb. He pushed that thought aside and texted, iIf you don’t want my help then fine, but don’t forget what’s on the line here. You wanna be done with this asap right?

The emperor set down his phone and (making a point of not looking at the man sitting across from him) poured his beverage into the two tiny cups. One in each hand, he turned to his left and said, “I’d like to share a drink with you, if that’s alright?”

“Of course!” Whis replied, accepting a cup.

Across the table, Yamcha set down his own phone slowly. He’d been ready to try and send more advice, but the two were now in a very natural conversation about wine. Apparently, Frieza had considerable knowledge on the subject in general, and Whis was an enthusiastic participant when it came to anything food or beverage related…

Sighing, he drank his beer and wondered if the alien would be nicer to him if he changed his own drink of choice to something more in line with his classy tastes.

Despite having ordered a mountain of appetizers, the group’s big eaters were still starving by the time the waiter returned to take orders for their main dishes. When they got around to him, Yamcha had to quickly make some choices- he’d been so distracted by the rest of the table’s drama he’d hardly looked at his menu.

Frieza really didn’t bother to put any thought into his own food choices either, but for a different reason- all these assorted Earth foods had names that were meaningless to him. Some even sounded disgusting- a ‘spider roll?’ Earthlings ate spiders? Ugh. His phone vibrated and he took a quick glance. Yamcha again. if you don’t know what to order ask your date what he recommends.

Orders in and nothing to do but pick at the remaining scraps of their appetizers, Vegeta looked at Yamcha and snickered.

“Got something you wanna say, Vegeta?”

“I’m just admiring how thoroughly those two thought out their plan to make an impossible obstacle for Frieza, that’s all. Telling him he can’t be considered as a potential destroyer god unless he goes on a date was already something so far out of his wheelhouse as to be practically impossible, but then assigning someone as hopeless as Yamcha to help was the truly genius touch!”

“You’re talking a lot of trash tonight, you know,” Yamcha replied, leaning back in his chair and brushing his hair back with a cocky grin. “I guess you liked that ass kicking you got from me earlier so much that you’re already craving another?”

The Saiyan prince stood up. “We’ve already established that was a fluke, even if some sort of ‘resonance’ is making you stronger you’d be nothing if I transformed!”

“Yeah? And what if Frieza did the same thing? If he’s so much stronger when he’s Golden then I bet his powered up Ki will boost mine even more. I think I could still destroy you.” He wasn’t actually too confident about that, but he was just so tired of Vegeta acting like this toward him. He’d have thought the fight earlier would have forced his former romantic rival to show him some respect, but it seemed he wasn’t gonna be so lucky… “Ow!”

The emperor had kicked him again. “My strength is mine alone- I strongly suggest you quit talking about me like I’m some sort of tool for your use!”

Bulma placed her hand on Vegeta’s arm and smiled, “now now, come on boys, let’s all try and save the fighting for after our meal at least?”

Yamcha watched as Vegeta gave an annoyed grunt and sat back down at his wife’s touch. He longed for that… For someone who would stick with him even when he was being difficult or irrational. He’d been that person for Bulma once, and thought she’d be the same for him. How wrong that had turned out to be.

Noticing how his temporary roommate stared at the couple, Frieza wondered just what the deal with those three was. Clearly they had some sort of backstory… Yamcha had made it clear he had a strong dislike for Vegeta during the fight earlier, as well.

As curious as he was, he had no plans on asking. He didn’t want anyone in this group thinking he cared about their personal lives.

Despite only a few minutes having passed since the orders were taken, several members of the restaurant staff entered the room with heaping trays of food. Goku was excited. “Wow, they got that made fast, huh? And it all looks so good!”

Bulma laughed. “With the way this group eats, I figured I should give the restaurant a little bit of a heads up when I made the reservation. I put my own order in in advance, and of course I know what my husband and my ex like enough by this point to have guessed what they were going to order, and as for the rest, well, I told them to make at least one of everything and that would be a decent head start!”

Frieza frowned slightly. She mentioned an ex? She dated someone else here before marrying Vegeta? That’s awkward… Earthlings were so strange-

“The rest of your food will be out shortly!” The staff left, and the emperor glanced around the table. He had a few items from his order (Whis had called it ‘sushi’ and recommended it with the highest of praise). The same could be said for the divine beings, as well as Goku and his spouse. Unsurprisingly with what she’d just said about pre-ordering, Bulma appeared to have her full meal, and Vegeta had a mountain of food that dwarfed the rest of their incomplete plates- and Yamcha was cheerfully digging in to a large amount of food of his own.

Wait… he glanced between his temporary ally, the prince, and Bulma.

Did this mean Yamcha was the ex? His curiosity finally reaching the breaking point, he quickly texted, With what she said a moment ago, was it you that Vegeta's wife used to be dating?

The human was too distracted by his meal to immediately answer, so he tried a piece of his own… This ‘sushi,’ it was incredible. As delicious as any of his favorite foods from space. While he had far more class than the Saiyans who were currently shoveling their own food down their throats he still ate the next few pieces with great enthusiasm.

“I take it you like what I suggested?” Whis asked between similarly enthusiastic bites of his own. Frieza nodded.

“This is exactly to my tastes. I’m grateful for your assistance in making this decision!”

Across the table, Yamcha noticed Frieza smiling at Whis and rolled his eyes. “Come on, it’s just sushi, nothing worth getting excited over… in fact, I can make better.”

He was completely ignored. So he took another drink of beer and finally looked at his phone, seeing the text he’d missed. His annoyance bled through into his bitter reply. Yeah, Bulma and I were in love for years before she decided she’d rather have a guy cold enough to run off to space after getting her pregnant.

Frieza saw the reply and choked on some rice. Whis helpfully gave him a hard smack on the back, clearing his windpipe, but this had caught the attention of the rest of the table. “Bulma,” he demanded, “you ended a relationship with Yamcha in favor of HIM?!” Vegeta didn’t pause shoveling food into his mouth long enough to acknowledge he was being talked about.

She nodded. “Oh that? It’s ancient history, but yeah, I did. We were going nowhere by that point, and, well, Vegeta was the one!”

“My goodness… it all makes sense now…” while still stunned, his trademark anger was slowly building. “No wonder I was unable to get a date- I should have known from the fact that Yamcha was single. The people of this planet.. have abysmal taste in men?”

“Hey!” Bulma and Vegeta were clearly offended. Chichi just sighed and tried to ignore the drama, while Beerus and Goku were too busy eating the next plates of food that they’d just been delivered to even notice the conversation.

Whis shrugged. “Now Frieza, you know taste is relative-“

“You really did set me up to fail! If this planet is full of people who like ugly little pieces of trash like that Saiyan then how am I expected to find someone with the class to appreciate myself?!”

“Have you considered maybe you can’t find a date because you’re a jerk?!” Bulma yelled, then quickly jumped out of her chair and hid behind her husband when she became the target of Frieza’s glare.

“If we’re going to be name calling, well, your dear spouse is a far bigger ‘jerk’ than I am!” He felt a hard kick under the table, and caught Yamcha’s eye. With a pleading expression, the human glanced between Frieza and Whis.

Right, they were trying to make this count as a date. Sighing dramatically, Frieza forced down his anger with some effort and returned to his meal. It wouldn’t matter that Earthlings had terrible taste if he succeeded in this.

Vegeta stood up, pushed Bulma into his vacated seat, then took her prior one, placing himself between his former employer and his wife. He glared for a moment before resuming stuffing his face.

Still… he had to know… Were the people of Earth truly backward in thinking? Or was Bulma just an idiot? So he asked through gritted teeth, “I’ll hold back my insults for a moment to facilitate an honest conversation. Please humor my curiosity so that I can better understand the culture of this planet I’m temporarily residing on, won’t you, Bulma?”

She cautiously leaned back to look past Vegeta and nodded. “Uh, okay…?”

“If this Saiyan is what appeals to you, then why did you date Yamcha?”

“Well, when we first met he was the hottest guy I’d ever seen, you know? My past self didn’t stand a chance!” She giggled.

Frieza nodded. “So I was correct, he is, objectively, extremely attractive.”

“Damn right I am,” Yamcha interjected.

“Then tell me, what could have possibly made Vegeta the more appealing option for you?”

Bulma shrugged. “Well, what girl doesn’t dream of marrying a prince-“

“I’m the emperor of space, you know. That far outranks the prince of a doomed planet. Does that mean you’re planning on divorcing him to pursue me?” Frieza snapped sarcastically. Bulma shuddered and shook her head.

“Ugh, no! I’m so, so not into you like that, and I was just joking on the prince thing, geez!” She leaned against Vegeta and held his arm as he kept eating. “I chose Vegeta because I love him, simple as that!”

“I still don’t get it. You traded a diamond for a pile of dirt.”

She snickered, “you’re really working hard to defend your new roommate Yamcha here. If you’re so attracted to him, maybe there’s something secret between the two of you that you aren’t sharing with the rest of us?”

Now it was Yamcha’s turn to choke on his rice, but he still managed to say, “it’s not like that with us! He can acknowledge that I’m attractive without it meaning he’s attracted to me, don’t you see the difference?!”

“Exactly,” Frieza agreed. “It’s just like he says. For example, Yamcha thinks Lord Beerus is attractive, but at least claims he isn’t attracted to him-“

Beerus didn’t even look up from his meal as he said, “don’t get any ideas Yamcha, I’m out of your league.”

The human sputtered. “Okay, that was taken WAY out of context!”

The last of their food was finally delivered, and things calmed back down for a bit. Goku and Beerus continued to let their meals have all their attention, Bulma chatted about her vow renewal plans with Chichi, Vegeta alternated between glaring at Frieza and inhaling his food, and Frieza spoke with Whis and Yamcha. The topic alternated between the fight earlier that day (and the implications of their Ki resonance for the human’s strength), and the food and beverage they were currently enjoying.

As their meal at last drew to a close, Yamcha shot Frieza one more text. It’s time. Just do what I told you and we’re free!!!!

Frieza took Whis’s hand in his and said, “thank you for joining me this evening, it was truly a lovely date.”

“A date?” Whis blinked, then nodded. “I suppose it was, to an extent-“

“Of course! And I’d say it went beautifully,” Frieza said, ignoring the stares of the rest of the group. Yamcha smiled. Time for that one last detail to be covered… “It’s a shame we can’t enjoy that ‘goodnight kiss’ that is apparently so appropriate, but you’ve already established it would be inappropriate for an angel and a god to kiss, so I know that I, a future god of destruction, will have to miss out-“

So close to finally getting out of this arrangement! Yamcha couldn’t help but grin- but it faded when he noticed a slight smirk begin to appear on Whis’s face.

“Naturally, it would be fully inappropriate for me to kiss you, you’re right. But…” he leaned down, his expression devilish. “…you aren’t a god yet. You could still kiss me goodnight. Go on then, Frieza…”

The emperor froze. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath. Yamcha slowly clenched his fists.

“R-right…” Frieza took a step closer to Whis, closed his eyes… and pulled away. “Ugh! I can’t do it! Damn it, Yamcha, this was a ridiculous plan!”

“You shoulda just pushed through it and kissed him!” Yamcha smacked Frieza on the arm. “We were so close!”

“No, you weren’t close in the slightest,” Beerus interjected.

Whis nodded, suddenly serious. “Do you not realize how obvious it was what you were trying to pull? This was an even more transparent attempt at cheating than your so called ‘double date’ had been.”

“No more fake dates or else…” the god threatened.

“This whole experience has been… nauseating,” Vegeta muttered, and stomped out the door.

“Ugh… that was thoroughly useless!” Frieza flew through the window, oblivious to the staring of the restaurant staff. Yamcha shrugged, said goodbye to his friends, and followed him.

End Chapter Six: Oh Yeah?

Author’s Note: Sorry for both how late this chapter was, and for it really not being all that great. There was a lot of stuff happening at work that left me too exhausted for my usual amounts of time/creativity to be invested in writing, so I wasted a lot of time picking at less serious things until my brain got back together. Next chapter our boys will have a heart to heart chat, Yamcha dives into this own training, Frieza will receive a gift that may not have had the best of intentions, and Puar returns home to get quite the surprise. It should be out much quicker, and be up to a higher standard, than this one was. Thanks to anyone who stuck through this! I LOVE YOU.

Chapter Text

Take A Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Seven: What Are You Dreaming Of?

Yamcha caught up with Frieza about half way back to their apartment. “So that didn’t go as hoped, huh? But we can’t give up-“

“Only because we’ve been left with no other option,” Frieza replied through a clenched jaw. Yamcha felt almost bad for him- there was no way failing at a simple, common task like this was something a prideful being like the emperor would ever want to get used to. But he did have an idea that might help a little with both of their tense moods.

“Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with Whis during dinner. You seemed pretty knowledgeable about wine, I’m guessing you’re pretty into it?”

He nodded. “So you were listening in, hmm? Yes, I’ve found that relaxing with nice glass is one of life’s greatest pleasures, one that I have been denied in my time on this miserable planet.”

“If you’re willing to make a detour before we head home I’ll buy you some. Hell, I think I need another drink myself after all that.”

“When you act so amenable to serving me I almost like you,” Frieza chuckled.

“Don’t get used to it,” the human replied with a shrug.

- - -

A half hour later they were sitting on the balcony of their apartment, each with their own bottle. It had taken a few minutes, but Yamcha had managed to find two wine glasses buried at the back of one of his kitchen cabinets, and now they were drinking. Frieza’s attention was divided between his phone and the sky above him- there were plenty of stars visible even with the city’s light pollution. They were a welcome taste of the familiar even on this irritating planet.

As for the human, he was deep in thought. They hadn’t made any real headway with the task of getting Frieza through a date, but he had learned something fascinating about himself that day. To think, he had this untapped potential all along, and by some cosmic fluke their group’s greatest enemy was the key to unlocking it?

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this fired up about fighting. He wanted this… he needed this. To be strong enough to make a difference. Strong enough to get his own self respect back.

…strong enough to push past his own self doubt and find someone amazing to spend the rest of his life with.

He decided then and there that he’d go with Frieza to Goku’s place tomorrow to join them for their training, and maybe make another attempt at meditating that night. He’d do what it took to make his body and Ki suitable for the power he could theoretically wield!

These thoughts were interrupted by a snort of laughter from Frieza. Yamcha leaned over and nudged him with the side of his glass. “Hey, what’s so funny?”

“Oh, Launch was just telling me a few entertaining stories from your past,” he responded. “Alas, it seems she must have sneezed, so I’ll have to wait to hear the conclusion to this one.”

The human leaned back and crossed his arms. “I’m not sure I like you two being besties, for a lot of reasons. What’s with you two, anyway? You hate everyone else on Earth.”

“We seem to have quite a bit in common, obviously,” the emperor’s tone was condescending. “After having to spend time with you heroes It’s refreshing to speak with someone who understands the value of working in their own self interest- as well as shares my belief that might makes right. And unlike the many who’ve made ill fated attempts at gaining my favor in space, she’s transparent enough that I can tell she has no ulterior motives hidden behind her desire to communicate with me- no plans to backstab me in a power grab or anything of the sort. Besides, she’s amusing.”

“If she was a guy would you date her? Not a fake date like the other day, but like, an actual romantic thing? Since you get along so well.”

“Goodness no!” He didn’t elaborate, so Yamcha probed further.

“Why not? She’s obviously special to you, and you’re constantly chatting with her. And as gorgeous of a girl as she is, I bet she’d be a good looking dude. Maybe she’d be willing to let us use the Dragon Balls to swap her gender for a day-“

Frieza’s sigh was theatrically loud, and he made a point of taking a big sip of his wine. “Firstly, that would be the most idiotic waste of a wish imaginable. While I’m desperate to get this ridiculous ‘dating’ task over with, I’m confident I’ll be able to do so without having to resort to such frankly embarrassing measures as having to use magic to make a man for me. I’m a catch, and my lack of luck so far has merely been a fluke. But beyond that, her personality wouldn’t interest me in a romantic way.”

“Geez, I know that wasn’t my best idea, but I was just tossing it out there, you didn’t need to step on it so thoroughly!” Yamcha pouted. “But hey, if you know what kind of personality doesn’t interest you romantically, have you finally put some thought into what does? Because I’ve been starting to wonder if you’re aromantic… then this would be literally impossible.”

Frieza stared at the sky for a moment before responding, and Yamcha appreciated how the moonlight made his pale skin seem to glow. It was a cool look.

“I never thought of myself as aromantic,” Frieza finally answered. “As I have stated previously, I don’t consider finding that manner of companionship important, so I never devoted my energies to it prior to this. But… I’ve been forced to think about the topic quite a bit lately, haven’t I? Allying myself with Launch has helped me understand it better, as well.”

“So lay it on me- what would make your cold heart flutter, huh?” Yamcha asked.

“Again, my only interest is in passing this particular trial. I have no interest in investing my time and energy into nurturing a lasting partnership.”

“Well, yeah, so you keep saying, then you fuck up every single attempt at a date because you feel nothing for the other person. Maybe you’ll be able to actually be believable enough to satisfy the deities if there’s a little spark?”

Another heavy sigh, then Frieza drained his glass. “A valid point, I suppose. How to put this… I’m… a man with a tendency toward extremes, as you’ve doubtless observed. It’s one of the things Launch and I have in common. I am cold by nature, yet easily moved by certain strong passions, such as rage or hatred.”

“Fire and ice, that’s you alright,” Yamcha agreed.

“Perhaps a man who was neither is what would appeal to me.”

The human raised an eyebrow. “So you’re looking for some sort of bland medium to balance you out?”

“Of course not. I’d never give my favor to someone ‘bland.’ I think I could potentially be, under the right circumstances, and assuming he met all of my other preferences, persuaded to see the charm in someone who neither chills nor burns but is instead an unending warmth. A summer’s day…” The words seemed to remind him of something, and he suddenly turned to his companion, fired up for whatever reason. “Tell me, Yamcha, are you at all familiar with poetry?”

“I mean, I know some dirty limericks,” he snickered.

“I shouldn’t have expected better. Well, it may surprise you to learn several hundred of your Earth years ago some aliens, while exploring this distant portion of the galaxy, actually visited your backwater of a planet. They brought a few things back with them, including some manuscripts that over time just became known as literary masterpieces from an unknown and underdeveloped planet. It was only after quoting one in the company of dear Launch that I realized my favorite author was from Earth!”

“See, we aren’t all bad! Who was it?”

“His name was William Shakespeare. A poet and a playwright with an incredible ear for the flow of language and some wonderfully amusing wordplay. Perhaps you’ve heard of him, his genius was apparently properly appreciated on his home planet as well.”

“Yeah, actually! He’s super famous! Practically every school kid has to read Romeo and Juliet or whatever at least once.”

“Ah yes, Romeo and Juliet is a delight, I especially enjoy the ending, it always makes me laugh!”

“Uh… don’t they both die?”

“Indeed! Just as they deserved for throwing aside their obligations in the name of chasing lust!” Frieza laughed, but his cruel smirk turned thoughtful, a genuine smile softening his eyes. “But my favorite of his works is one of his poems. The title is ‘Sonnet 18.’”

“Can’t say I know it, at least not from the title.”

“It’s a beautiful piece, I’d recommend you read it but I doubt you have the necessary sophistication to properly enjoy such a thing-“

“Hey! I’m sophisticated!”

“Anyway, the poem talks of a man more lovely than a summer’s day, someone possessing a beauty and warmth that, unlike the seasons, is undimmed by the passage of time. I find the image rather, well, romantic.”

“Damn…” Yamcha momentarily forgot he was trying to be classy and chugged the rest of his glass. “I can’t believe you of all people are into that sort of fluffy sappy stuff-“

“You do realize that I take an insult to my favorite literary work rather personally, don’t you?” Frieza threatened. Yamcha laughed it off.

“Eh, you kill me and then this is all for nothing. You gotta behave yourself for Lord Beerus doncha? I get what you’re saying though, I think. Can’t say I see the appeal of someone like that myself though.”

“Oh? It has seemed you’re only moved by an attractive appearance. Perhaps that is one of the reasons you’ve failed to find a mate- you’re not seeking anything of substance.”

“That’s not true! Sure, a hot body is the first thing I’ll notice, and I’m not gonna settle for someone I’m not sexually attracted to, but I want more than that!”

Frieza shook his head. “Then please, enlighten me as to what sort of person you would desire without mentioning their physical appearance. I’m willing to bet you can’t.”

It’s true, Yamcha had dedicated a lot more time to fantasizing about what his future wife would look like than what her personality would be, but he still had a pretty good idea. “You’re gonna lose that bet. The answer is easy- I like women like Bulma.”

“Obviously, since you dated her before she made the incomprehensible decision to choose Vegeta. But I hardly know the woman and have no desire to change that, so that means nothing to me.”

“Why do you even care, huh? Unlike getting you a date, finding myself a partner isn’t a team effort!” He was being sarcastic, but as he said it he did legitimately wonder why the emperor was curious. “Are we becoming friends now or something?”

“Hardly. I just feel if I am willing to bare my soul you should do the same.”

“Fair enough!” He smiled a little, happy memories of his one great romance returning to mind. “Okay, so Bulma, she’s smart as heck and really headstrong, when she decides she wants something there isn’t a force in this universe that can stop her from getting it. And she can be super intense to the point of being kinda terrifying, but it’s exciting in a way? Even though she’s sometimes petty and self centered I can’t help but admire her level of focus. And she’s confident. She knows what she’s worth, and that is just… that’s just hot as hell to me. But even she has her vulnerable moments, and the fact that this powerful personality was willing to share some of that vulnerability with me made me feel so special… Nope, no ‘summer’s day’ for me, I like an unpredictable and wild lady!”

“Ah. That’s about as cliche as I expected,” Frieza replied, trying not to smile as the taller man took the bait- he was so easy to mess with!- and spent a moment sputtering and glaring. “What are you drinking, anyway?”

Yamcha picked up his bottle and read its label out loud, “Schwarzkopf Farms Sparkling Pink Moscato with added Berry Flavors.” He laughed at the side eye this earned him. “Look, I’m not a wine guy. At all. So when I was at the store I asked what they recommended and I’m not gonna pretend it isn’t delicious! I could drink this all day!”

“And to think, I was so enjoying the bottle you chose for myself that I thought perhaps you had a little knowledge on the topic after all,” Frieza smirked.

“I paid attention at dinner, I’ll have you know!” The human replied, “I told the employee I was looking for a high quality red wine with, what was it, ‘a semi dry profile where the residual sugar compliments rather than overpowers the more complex flavors-‘ I guess I remembered right, eh?”

His smirk relaxed into a proper smile, “What do you know, you’re surprisingly correct. I did specifically mention that as my broad preference, although it covers so very many different wines that it’s a matter of excellent luck that the bottle you selected is such a particularly enjoyable one. Anyway, the very fact that you remembered... that’s an impressive attention to detail… you serve me well, Yamcha.”

He tossed his hair back and grinned. “So this is it, huh? We’ve finally reached the part where you try to recruit me and I have to let you down easy? Sorry Frieza, but I’m dedicated to protecting the Earth-“

“Of course not.”

“Why not? You know you want me, you’ve seen how strong I am and you just admitted yourself that you like how I ‘serve’ you-“

“Yes, but you’re forgetting one incredibly important detail.”

“And that is?”

Frieza turned to him and laughed. “Oho ho ho, it’s simple, my dear Yamcha- you are quite simply the most obnoxious man I’ve ever met.”

“You’re just being mean.”

“I am mean. The meanest, and a villain. It would be in your best interest to remember that. Now…” He stood up and stretched, once again looking splendid in the night. “I think I’ll retire for the evening. This has been a frustrating day. I’m ready to move on to the next one.”

Yamcha held up his wine bottle, giving it a little shake. “I think I’ve got about one glass left, but after that I’ll do the same. You can go ahead and shut the light off.”

The emperor nodded, and turned to head back inside, but paused and said lightly, “despite your poorly thought out ‘dinner date’ plan failing so predictably, two portions of the day weren’t completely without merit. Putting the Saiyans in their place, as well as our chat this evening… I almost enjoyed myself. Thank you for your assistance.”

So surprised to get this genuine thanks that he almost forgot to reply, Yamcha finally stammered, “n-no prob,” right as Frieza vanished back inside. It was a good feeling… getting thanked by someone so hard to impress… even if he had to take a bit of verbal abuse prior to that. He smiled to himself and, after glancing around to be completely sure no one would witness this lapse of etiquette, drank the rest of his wine straight from the bottle and headed back in as well.

The bathroom was occupied, so he killed time combing out his hair and getting undressed. It was a fairly warm night, so he decided to only wear his pajama pants and leave off the shirt.

In the restroom, Frieza glared at his reflection. “Oversharing like that, and even enjoying it, how pathetic,” he muttered to himself. This focus on ‘romance’ was making him soft- all the more reason to get this over with quickly! He needed to refocus on his ultimate goal- he’d dominate everything.

He strode out of the bathroom, ignoring Yamcha’s half hearted ‘goodnight’ as he headed to bed. Pulling back the covers and sitting down, he noticed the human pause.

“Hey, that reminded me, I wanted to ask you. The ‘goodnight kiss’-“

Frieza flinched. “You are NOT getting a goodnight kiss from me, and if you try to give me one again I will kill you in the most slow and painful manner my brutally creative mind can come up with!”

“Geez, that was NOT what I was gonna ask!” Exasperated, Yamaha sat on the edge of the bed next to Frieza and smacked him on the arm. “I swear you’ll snap at me over any made up slight! What I was gonna ask… We thought we got pretty close today, even though it turns out we weren’t. But theoretically that kiss was all it would have taken, then you could go back to focusing on stuff that would actually matter in trying to become a destruction god or whatever. Would it really have been so difficult to just pucker up and get it over with?”

“When I told you that what you call kissing is considered an extremely intimate and sexual thing in my own culture, I was not exaggerating. We literally consider it a form of oral sex. Would you be willing to have sex with someone you weren’t attracted to and barely even knew in public while watched by several other people?”

“Seriously?” The human cringed, “So wait, when I kissed you without your permission after the double date to show you what it was, it was the equivalent of… oh fuck. I probably should have done this sooner, but I’m sorry. Had I known, I wouldn’t have done it.”

“I accept your apology, as it has became clear it was a matter of your Earthling ignorance that caused the situation,” Frieza folded his arms, muscles and expression tense. “That said, I realize I might be a tad… prudish when it comes to this topic. To be technical, just touching your lips to someone else’s is only the first step. The actual sex act involves tongue and teeth.”

Yamcha wisely didn’t comment on the amusing fact that saying even that much had Frieza blushing. “Nah, I get what you’re saying. I guess it’s kinda like if I was told I had to get naked and close to someone- the nudity would be no big deal to you, but it’s super sexualized in Earth culture and usually the first step in gettin’ down and dirty so I’d feel weird doing it on command in circumstances like what you’re facing.”

“It seems you understand my discomfort. And all of this has lead to a problem I am having some difficulty in determining a solution to…”

“The fact that they expect you to kiss someone as a condition of the test?” Yamcha asked, and when Frieza nodded, he continued, “Lord Beerus isn’t completely unreasonable. I’m sure if you explained it to him like you just did to me-“

“I can’t,” the emperor spat, “I can’t back down over what amounts to a cultural difference. I just need to… to try and see it how apparently the rest of the universe sees it.” He turned to Yamcha and raised a hand to his chin, thoughtful. “I just need to desensitize myself to this. That’s all.”

“You can do it! While kissing still can be used in romantic or sexual contexts here on Earth, it really is no big deal! Heck, some cultures even kiss each other on the cheek as a greeting. I’ve even kissed some of my friends- like, once Bulma dared me to kiss Tien so I did, and it didn’t mean anything-“

“Oho ho, and they say I’m the cruel one! Yet you can be completely nasty.”

“Huh?”

“Giving a ‘meaningless’ kiss to the man who’s been in love with you for years. That’s amusing to me.”

“Tien isn’t in love with me.”

“Launch was right, you have been completely oblivious to it… I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised after what I’ve seen from you these last few days.”

Yamcha rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah, very funny. Anyway… uh, you’re gonna be mad I asked, but with all this sex talk I can’t help but wonder…” Yamcha scooted over on the edge of the bed so as to be just barely out of the shorter man’s reach, “does your race have sex exclusively using their mouths since they don’t have, uh, the other equipment?” He gestured to the smooth skin between the alien’s legs then quickly raised his arms. Surely he’d need to block an attack after such an invasive question! …but he lowered them slowly as Frieza just let a light chuckle.

“Don’t make assumptions based purely on what you can currently see. My body has its secrets, and can experience as well as provide a multitude of sexual pleasures, none of which I feel you have any right to ask questions about. Anyway…” His expression once again became serious, and he slid over to be right by the human. “Kiss me.”

“W-what?! You just said you’d kill me if I did! You just said it was like fucking!”

“I need to get past this mental block, and I see no other form of training for my mind that would be more effective than just getting kissed until it stops having this effect on me.”

“I understand but…”

“Why is it a problem now? You did it the other day without trouble. So do it now. Kiss me.”

“Okay then… got it. For the greater good, I-I’ll kiss you. Just don’t hit me again.” Yamcha turned to Frieza, but… “Um, can you shut your eyes? It’s uh, pretty normal to close them while kissing, and they’re kinda… very… extremely intimidating?”

Frieza gave a sarcastic snort of a laugh, but seemed to relax just slightly as he complied.

“Okay, here goes,” Yamcha shut his own eyes and gave Frieza a quick peck- he barely had a moment to mentally acknowledge that their lips had met before he was shoved back on the bed by the force of the emperor’s Ki, his head hitting the bedpost. “Fuck, that hurt! You asked me to do that, why’d you attack me that time?!” He sat half way up, supporting himself on one elbow while rubbing the back of his head with the other. “Seriously- Frieza?”

The alien was on the other side of the room, his tail pulled around himself and eyes wide.

“…are you okay?”

“Of course I am,” he snapped after a moment, stomping back to the bed, his usual sass and confidence returning with each step. His fists clenched and his jaw tight, he stopped in front of Yamcha. “I am Lord Frieza. I absolutely will not let this defeat me!”

His tail was around the human’s neck in less than an instant, and pulled him off the bed and toward the alien. “Whoa, wait a sec- oh-“

Their lips met for the second time that night, so briefly it almost would have felt like it didn’t happen if it weren’t for the lingering pain from the force of it. Frieza then dropped Yamcha with a growl. “There. That was a kiss, wasn’t it?!”

Yamcha reached up and touched his neck where that tail had been coiled seconds prior. “Uh, kinda? I mean, it’s progress, but maybe when you’re doing it for real try and be a little less violent and let it linger a little longer? I’m not sure anyone would consider what just happened ‘romantic.’”

“Ah.” He circled around to the other side of the bed and promptly buried himself under the covers. The human sighed and laid back, intending to get up as soon as his head and face stopped hurting. From under the blankets, he heard a muffled voice, “There has been entirely too much intimacy between us this evening, and I don’t just mean the… kissing, but the conversations prior to it as well. You will not share this with anyone.”

“You don’t gotta tell me that,” he sighed.

Hidden under the bedding, Frieza wrapped his tail back around himself. He could feel his cheeks still burning. Who did he hate more at this point? Himself, perhaps? After all his years of being certain he’d achieved both physical and mental superiority, he couldn’t control his reactions well enough to just go through with a proper kiss?

…or did he hate Yamcha, for being not only an obnoxiously forceful, graceless, annoying person who acted far too casual toward someone as far above him as the emperor was- who had the audacity to pretend they were equal just because he got a little power up from his presence, even!- but also had to, for some inexplicable reason, be exactly his own type physically, with lips that felt like..

“Ugh,” he muttered to himself, trying to calm the little pleasurable tingles he felt at the thought of those lips. Forcing his tensed muscles to relax, he attempted to will himself to sleep. He would not think about Yamcha… it was like that man was created purely to get under his skin!

Well, he already planned to make his first feat after becoming a destroyer god be getting rid of this particular planet that had for so long been a thorn in his side, so at least that would take care of that!

- - -

The Shapeshifter’s School class reunion had been a fun enough thing, but whenever anyone asked Puar what he’d been up to, he of course told them all about his awesome best friend Yamcha… and that made him miss him all the more. By the time it was all over, he was so anxious to be back home that he took a red eye flight and showed up at their front door so early that there was a chance roommate was still asleep…

He opened it as quietly as he could and floated inside- there he was! Still asleep on top of the covers of his bed… with a shape under the blankets to his side.

Oh. Immeasurably excited, Puar quietly left and sat down outside the door. He’d let Yamcha and his new girlfriend have some space until they were awake, although he was surprised news this exciting hadn’t been shared with him… All he’d heard during his days away from home was that Yamcha had spent some time with Goku’s family and gone out to eat with Tien and Launch.

Maybe this was serious?! Maybe they were already in love?! That must be it, that could be the kind of news that was too important to not share in person! He leaned back against the door, smiling.

- - -

Yamcha woke up to the sound of the door opening, his mind still groggy from the best sleep he’d had in days- until he was jerked awake by the voices of Goku and Puar-

“Rise and shine you two, we’re starting training early today!”

“No, Goku, we need to let Lord Yamcha and his girlfriend have their privacy!”

Sitting up quickly and realizing the reason he’d finally slept well was that he’d accidentally done so on the bed instead of the couch (likely thanks to his extreme exhaustion the prior day, and the drinking hadn’t exactly woke him up either), Yamcha tried to jump out of the bed before Frieza noticed he was there- no such luck, and a powerful kick sent him and the blankets flying straight into the Saiyan, colliding painfully with his friend before landing at his feet with the covers on top of him.

“Wait, isn’t that… Frieza?!”

“Lord Frieza, you mean! What is this rodent doing in my home?!”

Shit. Yamcha got to his feet, tripping once over the sheets in the process, and dived in front of the tiny shapeshifter, ignoring Goku’s amused laughter as he shouted, “Wait! Frieza, calm down a sec, this is Puar, remember, I told you I had a roommate!”

“L-lord Yamcha, are you dating Frieza?!”

“NO!” Both men in question answered at the same time.

“Then what’s going on?”

Rubbing the last of the sleep out of his eyes, Yamcha wearily replied, “Let me make us some coffee and I’ll explain everything.”

- - -

The three old friends sat at the table with their coffee and some boxes of donuts Goku had picked up on the way over. “…and that pretty much covers the whole story. Sorry for keeping so many details from you, Puar, but I was afraid you’d get worried and feel like you had to come home early, and I knew how much you’d been looking forward to seeing your old classmates-“

“You still should have told me! This is the most evil guy we’ve faced that we’re living with now!” Puar replied, blinking back a few anxious tears before adding in a far more upbeat tone, “But I’m so happy to hear about your new power and potential! I always knew you had it in you!”

“I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that one of my oldest friends had all this strength and I never guessed! I’m so fired up to train- you’re coming too this time, right?” Goku asked excitedly.

“Why else would I be wearing this?” Yamcha grinned as he looked down at his Gi. “As soon as our pissy emperor is ready to go, I’m ready!”

“Does he always take that long of showers?” The Saiyan impatiently fidgeted with his coffee mug while staring at the bathroom door. Yamcha shook his head.

“Nah, I assume he just decided he wanted to run up my water bill today out of pure spite since I dared to fall asleep on my own bed last night while so generously letting him use it.”

“I was so happy for you when I thought it was a new girlfriend in here with you…” Puar sighed, “but instead it’s just a scary guy like that.”

“Nah, having it be Frieza, that’s way, way better than just some random girlfriend!” Goku replied.

Yamcha blinked, embarrassed. “What, are you… trying to say Frieza and I would make a good couple or something?! Is this because we’ve kissed?! Because that didn’t mean anything-”

“Huh? Where’d ya get that from? I’m just saying having him acting like a good guy and being my training buddy is way more fun than you bringing home a girl who you’ll inevitably break up with.”

“Inevitably break up with?!”

“That’s always what happens, isn’t it?”

“Goku, from anyone else I’d assume they were being mean and sarcastic, but with you I know you’re genuinely that socially dense,” the human grumbled.

The bathroom door finally opened, and Frieza, still looking incredibly pissed, exited in a rapidly dispersing cloud of steam, ignoring the group as he made his way to the kitchen and poured himself some coffee.

“You sure you got every last drop of hot water there, Frieza? Or do you wanna go back in for another couple minutes just to be sure nothing is left to chance?” Yamcha joked as he pushed the empty chair to his right out with his foot.

“After spending a night with a human in my bed I had to be absolutely certain there wasn’t a drop of his filthy sweat on my superior body,” Frieza replied. He ignored the implied invitation to join them and only paused in the kitchen long enough to grab a donut, sitting instead on the couch with his coffee mug and looking irritated with life.

“C’mon, Frieza, hurry it up,” Goku whined, “I wanna get to sparring!”

“About that,” Yamcha leaned toward the living area, “Frieza, I’m coming with you two today so I can do some training of my own. If I’ve really got this incredible potential, well, I gotta at least see what I’m capable of. But first, I need to get strong enough that I don’t get totally burnt out after a little combat like yesterday.”

“Suit yourself.” Frieza took a small bite of his donut- ugh, why was it so sticky and overly sweetened? Maybe… he carefully dipped a little of it into his coffee then tried it that way. Not bad. Quite good in fact. He finished it, then stood, intending to grab another, but Goku closed the box as he approached.

“I’ll save the rest of these for Lord Beerus, I get the feeling he’ll show up today.”

Amazing how those deities didn’t even need to be present to get on his nerves!

- - -

Standing on top of Goku’s house, Whis tapped his staff against the roof, the image it had been projecting of that morning’s events vanishing. “So Yamcha plans on joining in the training, hmm?”

Beerus shrugged. “It’s a given, if he’s anywhere near the caliber of warrior my prophecy has suggested then of course he’ll want to see how strong he can get.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Your dream only said Yamcha would be key in convincing Frieza to back down from his desire to take your job. Don’t you think your assumption that our grumpy emperor will back down once he sees he’s been outclassed by a mere human is a bit of a stretch?”

“It makes far more sense than your own theory! The idea that he’ll fall in love with Yamcha and decide to focus on that instead is downright ludicrous!” His eyes narrowed. “I haven’t forgotten our bet, you know, I hope you can say the same.”

“Naturally. But I have no intention of losing- angels don’t scrub toilets. Now, they’re about to arrive…”

The group appeared a split second later, Goku holding the box of donuts in one hand and Yamcha’s wrist with the other, Puar sitting on the human’s shoulder, and Frieza’s tail hooked around his temporary roommate’s arm.

“Yo!” Goku waved to the divine beings. “I just knew this would be one of the days you dropped in to check on us!” There was a moment of small talk about food as the leftovers from their breakfast were accepted, and Frieza glared at the three gluttons, impatiently tapping his toes on the ground.

“I’m gonna train with these two whenever I have the time going forward,” Yamcha explained as Puar nodded proudly. “I wanna see if I can make myself strong enough that we don’t need to lean on this guy for every time Earth needs saving!” He gave Goku a good natured elbow jab.

“That’s a noble goal, but just leaping into battle with those two isn’t how to go about it,” Beerus replied. “If you go straight to fighting at the same level you were at yesterday you’ll run out of energy, and if you can’t stay in the match long enough to hone your skills and improve your strength then what’s the point?”

“Well, I gotta do something! I’ve been working on meditating to better control my Ki’s resonance,” he left out the part that he’d only succeeded in falling asleep when he tried this the previous day!, “but what about strengthening my body?”

“Goku, your younger son is inside, isn’t he? Perhaps he’d like to spar with Yamcha today?”

A few minutes later, Yamcha and Goten stood across from each other a couple hundred yards away from the house. “This is gonna be fun, it’s been ages since we’ve trained together!” The child seemed thrilled. “Trunks and I really love using the techniques you n’ Tien taught us!”

“Gotenks sure put his own spin on them, you two really make me proud!” Yamcha replied. “Now, don’t uh… don’t kill me, but don’t go easy on me either!”

Goten nodded, bowed, and took up a fighting stance. “You’ve got it!”

Yamcha did the same, and quietly reminded himself, “Okay, he might just be a little kid, but he’s Goku’s son. I can’t let my guard down for even a second…” He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. He could sense that unmistakable cold tightness- Frieza’s ki. His own felt nothing like it… but somehow they apparently worked together?

Time to show what he was made of- ‘resonance’ or not, he could do this! “Let’s go!”

Not too far from them, Goku turned from where he’d been watching the first few seconds of his son’s fight. “Alright, Frieza, ready for another fun day?”

His opponent ignored the small talk, instead powering up to his Golden form and immediately attacking with a barrage of kicks.

“Whoa!” Goku could barely defend, and quickly powered up as well, bypassing regular Super Saiyan forms to go straight to Blue. “This serious right from the get go? What’s gotten you so fired up?”

“Didn’t you hear the nonsense those two were spouting yesterday?” He paused for a moment and glared at the two divine beings who were watching the other set fight from a distance. “They would like to claim I’ve neared my limits. I fully intend to show them just how immeasurable and infinite the true strength of the great Lord Frieza is!”

- - -

“Everything hurts…”

“I have no sympathy. You let a child defeat you. That’s downright shameful.”

The sun low on the horizon and the day’s training complete, Frieza and Yamcha were nearly home. “C’mon, the kid’s a Super Saiyan, I never expected it to be an easy fight! I just need to work on my defense… I’m getting there though. I impressed myself today! I just wish I’d gotten healed…”

The alien also had his share of aches and pains, but kept quiet about them. He was frustrated by his own lack of progress. “Will you be of any use the rest of this evening?”

“Doubt it,” Yamcha laughed, “So if you were hoping I’d be able to take you out and try to find you a date today, well, that’s gonna have to wait for another time. Maybe tomorrow? Goku looked like he was gonna cry when Chichi reminded him he couldn’t train again, but I guess he’s gotta spend at least some time on his job.”

“Perhaps in the evening, but I’ve already accepted an invitation from Launch that will keep me busy for much of the morning and early afternoon.”

“Gotcha. Well, that gives me time to work on meditating, assuming I’m not still in too much pain to sit…”

His best friend was of course concerned. “I’ll handle cooking dinner, Lord Yamcha, you just focus on getting rest!”

“Thanks Puar. I just wanna lay down for a bit- oh? Were one of you two expecting a delivery?” There was a small box on their doorstep. “Frieza, it’s addressed to you.”

“How odd… Only your little group of annoying comrades are aware of my current location,” He pointed at Puar. “You. Open it.”

The human stepped between them. “Hey, I thought I made it clear I don’t work for you- well the same goes for my buddy here. You can’t order either of us around.”

“Yet another thing I’ll be sure to keep in mind once all of this, including our adorable little truce, is over,” Frieza replied, then carefully opened the package. Inside were two things- an envelope with Frieza’s name on it in calligraphy, and a capsule. He eyed them both with suspicion, then opened the first. An incredibly fancy card on premium stock with embossed text was inside, and Yamcha recognized it.

“Wait, that’s an invitation to Bulma and Vegeta’s vow renewal?”

The alien’s lip curled in disgust as he skimmed the text. “You’re right.”

“Are you gonna go?”

“Of course not. I’d derive no pleasure from such an event, and I have no doubt they didn’t invite me out of a desire for my company!”

“It’s weird that they did invite you…” Yamcha scratched the back of his head. “Maybe they’re trying to fill in spots from the people who RSVPed ‘no’ or haven’t replied yet and are getting desperate?”

“Did you ever send back your response, Lord Yamcha?”

He sighed. “Nope. I know I should go, but… how am I supposed to smile through an event like that and pretend I’m happy while celebrating something that broke my heart?”

Frieza rolled his eyes then took what he’d intended to be a final look at the invite before incinerating it- but something caught his eye. “I think I understand now,” he sneered, handing the card to his roommate. “They’ve added a very helpful note.”

“Let’s see…” Where the text indicated Frieza had been given a ‘plus one’ for the event, there was a handwritten addition which he read out loud. “Just in case you actually manage to get a date, feel free to bring him so we can save him from you.”

“It appears they did this to taunt me, and I can not allow this insult to go unpunished.” Retrieving the RSVP card from inside the envelope, he shot a narrow and precise Death Beam through it to check the box for ‘will attend’ before approaching Yamcha with such a fiery determination in his eyes that the taller man couldn’t help but take a step back. “It’s clear how we must handle this. You need to move on from your pitiful obsession with your former girlfriend, and I need to survive a single date…”

“What are you getting at?”

“If, and only if, I find myself unable to cross that most annoying of tests off the list prior to this event…” he tried to force his current scowl into a somewhat friendlier expression before asking, “Yamcha, will you attend this farce as my date?”

End Chapter Seven: What Are You Dreaming Of?

Author’s Note: Told you all that the ‘Frieza reads Shakespeare’ thing would come back up. You’ve probably read Sonnet 18 at some point, or are at least familiar with its famous opening lines. Next chapter- we’ll get Yamcha’s answer to the above question, of course, as well as Puar attempting to ‘save’ Yamcha from Frieza through deception, and in general more chaos that should make up for the fact that this last chapter didn’t have as many laughs as I’d have liked.

Shout out to the AMAZING people who’ve been giving me feedback here and elsewhere, I LOVE YOU. You have no idea how much you make me smile and keep me writing!

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Eight: Body Work

“What?! You want ME to go as your date?!” Yamcha desperately searched Frieza’s body language for some sign that this was a joke, but received no such reassurance.

“It’s an obvious solution. You have every reason to be willing- if you play along it will get us both out of this, and beyond that, we’ve already had some practice with kissing. It would be easier for me to do… that with you than most of the unpleasant citizens of this planet at this point.”

“It won’t work, Lord Beerus and Whis will see right through it. For one thing, they know I’d have a reason to be faking, and that I’m not into guys-“

“I’m not sure why you haven’t figured this out yet, Yamcha, but while women are clearly your preference, you’re also attracted to at least some men. If I can see that, they can see that.”

“Don’t know what gave you that idea, I’m one hundred and ten percent straight-“

Frieza sighed and lifted one hand to cover his eyes with exaggerated showmanship, “while you may indeed be so deep in denial that you haven’t noticed, as a man who has been forced to endure your leering-“

“I do not leer at you!” Yamcha shouted. “Even if I hypothetically did like guys you would be no where near that list!”

“Oh?” The alien slowly coiled his tail against the floor- then lowered his hand from his face and found his temporary roommate’s own gaze exactly where he expected it to be. “My eyes are up here, Yamcha.”

“Oh come on, stop claiming I have a thing for tails-“ he replied, quickly moving his attention to unlocking the door and stepping into his apartment.

“Yeah, if Lord Yamcha was into tails, I’d know about it!” Puar added, his own tail giving an irritated twitch.

“He’s hardly the first person with a tail fetish I’ve encountered, there’s nothing shameful about it. I’m used to my long, thick, powerful tail drawing admiration, and as long as you don’t think you can try anything with it I have more important things to worry about than whether or not you’re looking-“

“I’m not into tails, okay! I don’t get excited looking at Puar’s! I just think yours is interesting, and besides, this has nothing to do with whether anyone would believe I was on a legit date with you!”

Lightning fast, his tail lashed out and wrapped around the human’s thigh. “Your heart rate has jumped and your face is reddening. Tail or not, you’re showing all the signs of experiencing physical attraction, and I, a man, am the cause. Thus, you are only ‘mostly’ straight- and could fully believably attend a date with a particularly superb male such as myself. But this is all a distraction from the main issue- I’ll expect your answer to my invitation by end of day tomorrow.” He let go and ignored Yamcha’s embarrassed protests. With his nose in the air, he wandered past them both to enter the apartment, the limb they’d been discussing curling in the air behind him.

- - -

Yamcha was surprised to see Frieza wasn’t home when he woke up the following morning. Yawning, he stumbled from the couch to his bed and grabbed another blissful hour of sleep… no need to rush to get up when he had no time sensitive plans for the day. By the time he finally did Puar had made coffee and was sitting at the table, appearing deep in thought. He grabbed a mug and joined him, yawning again and scratching at a night’s accumulated growth of stubble on his chin. “Mornin’. Been up long?”

“I couldn’t close my eyes for more than a second knowing there was a villain in our home! How did you manage to sleep!?”

Stretching a bit and leaning back in his chair, he laughed. “You’d be amazed the things a man can get used to when he’s given no other choice. But hey, looks like he already left for his plans with Launch, so if you wanna take a nap now would be the perfect time.”

“No, I have some errands of my own to run today.”

“Really? Want me to come with? We’ve still got some catching up to do after your weekend away-“

“Oh no!” Puar snapped, and seeing the slightly offended look on his best friend’s face, he quickly explained, “I’m sorry, I think lack of sleep has made me cranky. You should stay here and focus on your meditation and other solo training exercises!”

“Yeah, guess I should… I’m about to make breakfast, have you ate yet?”

“Yes, but I’ll keep you company while you do and head out after that.” As Yamcha dug through his fridge and attempted to make a decision on what to eat, Puar asked, “so you’re only hosting Frieza until you get him through that date assignment, right?”

“Yep… Worst case scenario I guess I could agree to go with him for the vow renewal, although I really don’t want it to come down to that.”

“Has he told you what kind of person he’d be willing to date other than you? Maybe I know someone you haven’t thought of that could be a good match?”

“Ha, I doubt it… he likes men who are in really fit, have long hair, sorta his opposite. And he thinks someone who’s endlessly warm or whatever would appeal to the secret soft part of himself that’s into classical poetry for some reason?”

“Well, I’ll think that over and let you know if anyone comes to mind! Anyway, what are you planning on cooking today?”

- - -

The whole establishment smelled heavenly, with rich aromas of coffee and baked goods making Frieza’s mouth water. Unlike those disgusting Saiyans he was no slave to basic drives like hunger, of course, so he ignored the tempting scents and focused on scanning the crowd for his favorite Earthling. A small smile pulled at the corners of mouth when he saw a flash of blonde hair at one of the tables- he really didn’t think much of her other personality.

Launch stood up and waved, and he joined her. “Hey Frieza, good to see ya! Hope you don’t mind I already ordered my first drink.”

Sitting down, he looked appraisingly at the transparent cup she was holding, the beads of condensation forming on its exterior suggesting it had been served cold… some sort of brown sludge with a light textured white foam on top, drizzled with ribbons of a thick syrup and drank through a straw? “I don’t mind at all, I did arrive later than we’d agreed, after all- navigating this poorly planned city isn’t something I’ve had extensive experience with yet.” He indicated her beverage. “When you said this ‘cafe’ served a variety of types of coffees, I had no idea they’d be so diverse as to include whatever that is.”

“Eh, this is only like two percent coffee, the rest is sugar n’ ice n’ cream,” she laughed. “Probably not your thing. Let’s go figure out what you would like.”

While waiting in line, Frieza quietly asked, “I’m sure you’ve already given consideration as to how you’d make the best possible profit here, so please tell me, hypothetically, what you’ve thought up.”

“You know me well,” she snickered. “With this many people I’d have to strike quick. I’ve got my full armory in a capsule in my bag, but getting that thing out would attract a lot of attention and I don’t have the space to do it without potentially getting jumped before I can make my demands. So- step one, I’d make that security camera’s footage too blurry to be useable in court by ordering an extra hot drink, taking the lid off, and holding it up in the air while pretending to take a pretentious instapic of it so that it steams up the lens. Then, I’d create a little chaos with an explosion.”

“How do you plan to do that if you aren’t going to have time to bring out the heavy weapons?” Frieza asked, thoroughly enjoying this.

Launch opened her backpack and let Frieza peek inside. “Well, I didn’t say all my firepower was stowed- in a small space like this I could easily toss this grenade behind the counter and BOOM! Everyone runs in the opposite direction, which would be right out the front door. I’d then snatch up all the left behind laptops n phones n things, vault over the countertop and- see that barista there?” She discretely pointed at one of the younger staff members. “While I was waiting for you and casing this joint just for the fun of it I memorized his pin code for the point of sale system by watching him type it when he rang me up. I use that and I wouldn’t even have to break a sweat to get the register open and emptied out!”

“Marvelous thinking. I admire how you make up for your lack of physical strength so beautifully with your mix of guts, observational skills, and always having the right tools for the job! But what is your escape route? If you chased everyone out the door when you caused the explosion, they’re likely all waiting right outside and possibly have already called the police.”

“My bomb won’t just be for a distraction- it’ll take down the back wall and give me a convenient exit point. Now, what about you? Let’s say you’re gonna commit a crime here- how would the great Lord Frieza exploit this place?”

“Simple. That man appears to be in a position of authority,” he gestured toward the manager, who was busy yelling at one of the baristas. “I kill him to get the attention of everyone present, then simply let them all know that they can avoid the same fate by providing me something of value. The wealthier patrons can buy their lives, the rest can walk out unharmed by enlisting in my forces.”

“Clean and elegant, I love it!”

The man behind them in line made a little disapproving noise but they ignored him in favor of putting in their orders. Spoiled for choice, the alien eventually (with some input from Launch) decided to order something called ‘espresso,’ as well as a sandwich to go with it.

While they waited, he pocketed several packets of pepper, just in case his companion sneezed and he needed to force a second one to get his preferred version of her back.

Once the order was ready, they sat back down and chatted for a bit, the topic shifting from their various past crimes to the emperor’s current situation as he neared the bottom of his cup.

“This espresso was wonderful, but I find the serving size to be woefully insufficient… one of many things that have aggravated me on this damnable planet. Present company excluded, naturally.”

“It’s really strong on the caffeine, that’s why they give so little of it. I can usually only drink two or three before I’m shakin’,” she replied, sucking loudly on her straw in an effort to get the stubborn last bits of her drink out and ignoring the glares of a patron as she did so. Frieza met his eyes and glared back, which quickly had him picking up his drink and leaving.

“Well, I’m sure a man of my physical merits should be able to handle seconds without any trouble,” Frieza replied. “I liked the coffee that irritating Yamcha makes, but this is even better.”

“I mean, if you’ve gotta be stuck with one of Goku’s friends, you should be glad it’s him, shouldn’t ya? He’s not someone you have a history with like Vegeta or Krillin or any of them, and he’s a fun person to hang out with-“

“Fun?! I’d hardly call that man ‘fun!’” Frieza grumbled. “He is far too personal with me. The things he thinks are appropriate conversation topics are shameful.”

“Ooo, I think there’s a funny story here,” Launch smirked.

“If you must know…” he leaned in and lowered his voice, “he actually had the nerve to ask about how my race… has sex.”

“Oh my gawd,” Launch snickered, blushing slightly and covering her face with her hands. “You don’t just ask people about that kind of thing!”

“Exactly! I’ve certainly had passing curiosities of how humans go about it but I’d never have the gall to outright ask like that!”

She laughed, but looked thoughtful for a moment, and finally said, “hey, hand me your phone.”

“Hmm? Alright…” He fished it out of his pocket and did so.

“I’m… gonna show you a website. Just in case your curiosity ever gets the better of you, so you can self educate without having to ask.”

“Website? I’m unfamiliar with that term.”

“Seriously? Like, the pages you look at online in your browser?”

“This is a thing I’m supposed to be doing on my phone?”

“…did Yamcha not teach you how a smart phone works?”

“He showed me how to text and answer calls. I didn’t realize there were other functions. Now that I’m aware I’m sure I’ll be able to figure them out with a little experimenting, of course, as this is nothing compared to the technology I’m used to using in space.”

“Well, here… I bookmarked this site for you. It’s uh, very queer friendly and has lots of videos featuring solo male scenes, man on man, and of course hetero shit and the rest, soooo yeah, it should answer any questions you have. Just maybe borrow some headphones before you start watching-“ she glanced at his unusually shaped ears and added, “-or at least make sure you’re alone in the apartment.”

Frieza accepted his phone back, glanced at the screen, then quickly set it face down on the table. “I… see what you’re getting at. I’ll keep this in mind if my mild curiosity ever becomes unbearable,” he lied, fully planning to take a little peek at the adult content the first chance he had. After all, with as attractive as he found certain human males, of course he was dying to know a few specific details… But this was an awkward subject to discuss in public, even with a friend, so he changed it. “Anyway, while I still hope to complete Beerus and Whis’s most annoying assignment sooner rather than later, I do have a backup plan in place now that should have me covered for a date in the worst case scenario. I’ve asked Yamcha to accompany me to Vegeta’s vow renewal-“

“Wait, back up, that’s two huge pieces of info to drop so casually!” Launch exclaimed. “First off, you were actually invited to that?!”

“Indeed I was, as of yesterday. I can guarantee the prince is the one who sent the invite, and that he did it purely to taunt me. So I intend to turn his little joke on its head by showing up.”

“Ha! That’s a real power move. I’ll be coming, too. Since Tien declined his invite I was worried there wouldn’t be anyone fun there, but I’m glad I’ll be able to rely on you! Secondly though, you’re seriously gonna have Yamcha be your date for it?”

“That is correct. He hasn’t agreed yet but it’s only a matter of time. After all, he also has a reason to want to get all of this over with.”

She leaned forward and gave him a questioning look. “Are you sure that’s really what you want? To get this ‘over with?’ Things between you and him, I mean?”

“Of course. I’d like to move on to more important concerns than spending time with that annoying man.”

“Ya keep saying Yamcha’s annoying or obnoxious or all of that, but what do you actually find so bad about him?”

“Everything he does grates on my nerves,” the alien replied with a shrug.

“Frieza… have you noticed you spend a lot more time complaining about how much you hate Yamcha than about, say, someone like Goku who’s actually killed you?”

“And what of it? He’s on my mind more, so I’ll bring him up more. I fail to see what sort of point you’re attempting to make.”

“Yeah, he’s on your mind a lot,” she replied, trying to hold back a condescending smirk. “Always talking about how annoying he is… and how hot he is.”

“His visual appeal is obvious to anyone with a set of eyes and a hint of taste, so I’m not going to pretend he’s ugly just because I dislike him. Now please, Launch, enlighten me as to what exactly you’re trying to say?” He asked, eyes narrowing.

“Well,” she said, unable to hide her amusement at this point, “you’re so obsessed with him, I’m starting to think you don’t wanna admit it but you’ve totally got a little crush on him!”

In a flash he was on his feet, one arm raised up as a large ball of Ki gathered over his open palm. She was almost as quick, pulling the grenade she’d earlier showed off from her bag and hooking a finger through the pin but stopping just short of pulling it. They stood like that, neither moving, eyes fixed in two equally intimidating glares- then both burst into a fit of laughter and sat back down as casually as if they hadn’t just almost destroyed the place. There was the sound of many chairs scraping as most of the shop’s customers quickly left. The rest seemed too stunned.

“You’re so fast!” Launch laughed. “I don’t think I could ever beat you at quick draw!”

“Yes, but for an untrained Earthling your skills always earn my utmost respect!” Frieza chuckled. “And you’re excellent at reading people, knowing exactly what sort of joke would piss me off the most! Please don’t forget, my previous offer still stands if you’re ever interested in a new avenue of employment!”

As the conversation returned to other topics, Launch continued to smirk internally- she hadn’t been joking, and really did think she was seeing the beginnings of a funny, adorable little crush. She’d have to tease him about it some more later. For now though… “Hey, don’t be too obvious about looking, but there’s a guy behind you over on the far side of the cafe who’s been staring for a long time now. He’s cute, maybe you should talk to him?”

Frieza glanced over his shoulder. “Oh. The one with the long hair?”

“That’s the guy. What do you think?”

The man who was making no secret of his open admiration of Frieza was tall and buff- his build was a bit like Yamcha’s actually- with long navy blue hair. “He’s attractive, I suppose.”

“Go say hi then! Maybe he’s your date?”

“I’m here to spend time with you, not to work on that particular task-“

“What, so you’d rather go to the vow renewal with Yamcha then?” She winked. Frieza sighed.

“Fine then. Let’s see if you give better advice than my assigned teacher does. How should I approach him?”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ve got you,” she stood up and shouted, “Hey, my friend thinks you’re hot, you wanna go out to dinner with him tonight?”

“What in space was that supposed to be?” The emperor cringed and covered his eyes.

“A winning opening move, that’s what,” she replied. “See, he’s coming over!”

“Hi!” The good looking man had an oddly high pitched voice that seemed out of place with his large frame. “Yes, I would love to go out to dinner with you, Frieza!”

The alien was so used to his infamy that he almost didn’t catch that- but Launch did. “Hold up, how’d you know his name?”

“Oops- I mean, uh… I… overheard it?”

The hesitation there wasn’t missed by either of them. In a flash Frieza was out of his chair and had his tail around the taller man’s throat. “I’d thought none of my many enemies from space were aware I was currently on this planet, but your odd actions tell me otherwise. Who sent you, and what were they planning?!”

“You’d better start talkin’!” Launch added, bringing her fist to her palm threateningly.

From the entrance of the coffee shop an exasperated voice spoke. “Oh Kami… Launch, F-frieza, what are you two doing?”

“Hmm?” She looked up. “Krillin? Ah crap, you’re working right now. That means I don’t like you until your shift is over.”

Frieza kept his grip on the taller man but turned to the intruder. “Oh, if it isn’t… I’m sorry, you’re such a bit player in all of this that even having just heard your name a moment ago I still can’t recall it. What do you want?”

Krillin folded his arms. “The manager of this shop called the police saying there was a couple here causing violent disturbances and brandishing weapons, so I came by to check things out. Let go of that guy, Frieza.”

“No way! He’s being suspicious as heck, we think he’s here to make trouble for my new bestie!” Launch replied.

“I’m not suspicious!” The tall guy squeaked suspiciously.

Krillin sighed. “You two are paranoid. I can feel just a normal, relatively weak Ki from this guy, he’s no threat to you. Let him go.”

“I answer to no authority but my own, which means you can tell me what to do all you’d like, but I have no plans to listen to it.”

“Hell yeah, Frieza, you tell ‘em!”

“Come on,” Krillin reasoned, “I know a threat of arrest isn’t gonna intimidate either of you, but don’t forget I can tell Lord Beerus you’re antagonizing normal Earthlings. Aren’t you here because you’re trying to win him over? So this isn’t exactly a good look.”

“Fine then,” the alien pulled the tall man down to his eye level and said, “tell whoever you’re working for that my guard is never down. And if I see you again, I will not hesitate to kill you.” With a shove of his tail he let go, and the man ran out of the coffee shop.

“Thanks. Now you two should probably leave before I have to at least try and arrest you for creating a disturbance….”

Launch laughed. “You’ve seen my rap sheet haven’t ya? ‘Creating a disturbance’ would be the least of my crimes-“

“No, I feel we should move on anyway. It seems we’ve scared the staff into hiding, and I’d like another one of those ‘espressos.’ Clearly that won’t be happening here.” He marched out with his arms crossed.

- - -

On the roof of the coffee shop, Puar sighed, and changed back into his regular form in a puff of smoke. “After I spent an hour searching every coffee shop in the city to find those two, I made such a simple error and ruined my plan before it could even really begin!” It was probably the lack of sleep that made him slip up and call the alien by his name before having the chance to be ‘introduced.’

He wasn’t about to give up though. His own safety- and more importantly Yamcha’s safety!- depended on getting this violent and villainous fiend out of their home as quickly as possible, and he was more than willing to do whatever it took. Including disguising himself as an attractive human male and dating Frieza himself!

- - -

Back at the apartment several hours later, Yamcha was sitting on the couch, meditating. He could feel it… his own Ki, familiar as it could be, as well as in the distance, Frieza’s.

How had he not seen this sooner? The way the alien’s energy had always felt like it had a sort of ‘tightness’ to it… That was the key to this! It was as if the natural waves of his Ki landed just outside those of his own, surrounding him, creating that sensation of it being ‘tight’ around his.

So this was that resonance? If he could get his energy a little closer to an overlap… It was hard to concretely describe it, but he could almost feel what he needed to do as he tried to keep his concentration. But Frieza was moving closer and he could feel his overwhelming strength grow stronger as he did… and as their physical proximity grew, so did that almost overlap.

He was close to some sort of breakthrough, he knew it! Every sense was deadened as he tried to concentrate only on their respective energies, and the way they nearly connected…

Frieza’s was stronger than ever- he must be really near. But he wouldn’t think about that, he couldn’t lose this concentration! Not when he was almost there!

“Ha!” He had it! For a moment he pushed the waves of his own Ki into a perfect sync with Frieza’s, embracing that resonance with everything he had. The muscles and nerves in his body felt it! But it was fleeting- he tried to grab hold of it but the alien’s energy suddenly changed, spiking, throwing him off-

“What the hell?!”

The combination of Launch’s voice and a sharp pain on his arm broke his concentration, and reality came crashing back, followed by a searing pain in his entire body and a complete wave of exhaustion.

“Fuuuuuck…” Yamcha opened his eyes and let himself collapse to the floor.

“What just happened?!” Launch demanded. She and Frieza were both kneeling down next to him.

“Heeeey, you’re Golden,” Yamcha said, closing his eyes again. “So that’s what I felt. When’d you two get here?”

“A couple minutes ago, when you were in that trance or whatever,” she replied.

“I didn’t even notice,” even talking was getting difficult- he thought he’d never be as exhausted as he was after the fight the other day again, but this was a thousand times worse. “I could tell you were somewhere nearby though…”

“Nearby is an understatement, you wouldn’t let go of Frieza!”

“Wait, what?” He tried- and failed- to sit up, then settled for just opening one eye enough to see the man in question. Frieza was still in his strongest form and glaring at his temporary roommate. Crossing his arms, he finally powered down and broke his silence, seeming uncharacteristically rattled.

“…when we entered the apartment you were meditating, I suppose, but… You weren’t answering when we spoke to you. We approached, and you… put your arms around me. I used my Golden form and gave you a good smack with my tail and that seemed to snap you out of it.”

“Did I?” He wanted to laugh at how much this clearly bothered the alien, but that would have taken more energy than he had to spare. “Sorry, I was so deep in my own head I didn’t realize. I was trying to sync my Ki with yours and I guess that grabbing you was a reflex?”

“Geez though, your grip! He couldn’t get out of it without transforming!” Launch shook her head. “Didn’t know you could be so scary, dude.”

“Wait, so I was stronger than your current form?”

“No, I was just had my guard down,” Frieza lied with a shrug. “Now get up, you look like an idiot laying on the ground like that.”

“I’d love to, but I don’t think I can.”

Launch pushed up her sleeves and hooked her arms under his, dragging him most of the way to the bed before Frieza stepped in, taking him from her and throwing him back onto the furniture.

“Thanks guys,” he nodded. He once again tried to sit up slightly, failed, and settled for propping his head on the pillow so he could look at his temporary roommate. With a soft smile on his exhausted face, he said, “hey Frieza, this is all so amazing for me, and you’re the key to it- I owe you. So I guess I will go with you to the vow renewal if you can’t find a date before then.”

“Good. I knew you’d eventually see things my way. Now tell me, have you mastered this, or was that a fluke?”

“Oh, definitely a fluke… I only had it for a second, and it burnt through like ten days worth of my energy,” he finally managed a short bark of a laugh. “I think it must have been when I was holding you, it really is easier with that natural boost my Ki gets from having yours close by.”

“Let’s test it!” Launch gave Frieza a hard shove from behind, catching him off guard and knocking him on to the bed beside the other man. “Yamcha, see if you can do it again!”

“Are you kidding me- oh-“ thick arms wrapped around the emperor, and he squeezed his eyes shut. “Ugh, fine then, but I will not hesitate to attack you again if you won’t let go when I tell you to!”

“Gotcha. But damn, being in physical contact like this really does half of the work for me.” Yamcha kept his own eyes shut, trying to get that same sense of the waves of their energy that he had achieved before while still keeping some degree of awareness of his surroundings. “Surely you can feel this?”

The emperor didn’t have that same knack for sensing the Ki of others that the Earthlings did, but he could feel a fluctuation in his own. He held up his right hand and let a few little sparks of it form on his fingertips. “I… must concede those annoying deities were right. This does seem to be strengthening me to a small degree… It’s… exciting.”

“Seriously exciting… Try Golden again, I wanna see how much that changes things for me. I think it’ll make me way stronger, maybe it’ll multiply the boost you get from me, too?”

“I’m going to go all out then, Yamcha! Be ready!” For the second time that day he took on his most dramatic form. It was strange doing so while laying in bed, but still doable-

“…fuck.” The taller man swore as he felt the briefest flash of his Ki surging- and promptly passed out.

“Geez, guess that was too much too soon for him, huh?” Launch giggled. “Maybe we should have let him get some rest before trying this again! …you look pretty cozy there, gonna stay in bed with him?”

“Of course not,” the alien quickly pried his way out of Yamcha’s warm arms and stood, backing away from the bed.

“I’m gonna go see if anyone’s got a senzu he can use. You keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t die, okay?” She left.

Alone again, he glared down at the out-cold human. “What a strange, infuriating, fascinating man…” he said to himself, then sat on the couch and found his phone.

He had some time to kill, and the only other person home was completely unconscious… might as well check out some of the videos on that website Launch had recommended.

- - -

Puar had made his way home slowly, daydreaming about other potential avenues to save Yamcha from Frieza. He’d have to come up with an even more attractive looking human form to shapeshift into, and maybe do some mental rehearsing of his opening lines so he didn’t make another mistake like today?

As he opened the door to their apartment, he heard an odd moan- then suddenly the door was slammed shut.

“Just wait a moment!” Frieza’s slightly muffled voice shouted through the door.

Oh no! Yamcha must be in danger! He transformed into a piece of paper and slipped under the door just in time to see Frieza slamming his phone face down on the arm of the couch- and that his best friend was unconscious on the bed. “What did you do to him you fiend?!”

“Ugh! You just had to come home right when things were getting interesting! I won’t forget this!” The alien picked back up his phone- still careful to keep the screen hidden- opened the window, and flew away, leaving a baffled Puar behind.

End Chapter Eight: Body Work

Author’s Note: Writing Yamcha meditating, I felt like the meme with the dog in the lab coat. I have no idea what I’m doing.

I hope my commenters are seeing in the notes where I keep expressing my love because OH MY GAWD I LOVE YOU.

Next chapter- Universe 6 needs a favor, and Frieza gets volunteered for the task. Naturally he drags Yamcha along with him…

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Nine: Can’t Wait to Give

“This is a matter of life or death! Don’t you have any sympathy for your own brother?!”

Champa, projected from Whis’s staff, was sweating and pulling at his ears. Beerus sneered at the image of his sibling. “Oh, I don’t know. I feel like you’re the one who owes me a favor. Have you already forgotten that you wouldn’t be here if not for my warrior’s wish after winning the Tournament of Power?”

“Cut the crap! The Zenos want a home cooked meal, and there’s no food in Universe 6 that’s impressive enough! Your Earth supposedly has the most amazing, mouth watering food imaginable, so can’t you lend me one of its best chefs for this? …really, I know they’re prone to random moods but I can’t imagine why they decided to come to me for this-“

From somewhere out of view, they could hear his angel’s voice. “I would assume, my lord, it was because you’re the God of Destruction who most clearly enjoys his food to the point of overindulgence-“

“You aren’t helping Vados! ANYWAY, please Beerus, have a heart for once and help me out! I’ll get someone from my own universe to do the serving and the rest, all I need from you is a chef-“

“I’ll consider it,” he replied. “Bye for now, brother.”

Whis ignored Champa’s continued tirade of begging and tapped his staff against the ground, ending the call. “Well, what do you think of that?”

The destroyer smirked. “The same thing you’re thinking, I’ll bet!”

“That it’s about time we gave our dear friend Frieza another test?” He laughed, daintily covering his mouth with a politely raised hand.

“Of course! I’m willing to bet he’s never cooked a meal in his entire privileged life. We’ll tell him a destruction god needs… I don’t know, to be willing to do what it takes to coordinate with other universes? And to show he’s willing to unselfishly serve others? Yeah, that’s a perfectly plausible set of excuses. My genius impresses me.”

“Oh yes, his struggles will undoubtably continue to make for top tier entertainment,” Whis chuckled, “but aren’t you at all concerned for the possibility of a very bad reaction if the food doesn’t impress?”

“Not at all. He’ll undoubtably ask Yamcha for help, and since that man had a hand in the delectable feast we enjoyed when we first put those two together I’m confident that the final result will impress even with Frieza’s inevitable screw ups- why are you smiling like that? You look like you’ve got something to say!”

“I’m just enjoying seeing you more or less admit how he’s coming to rely on that human. Deep down inside you know I’m winning our bet-“

“Oh, can it. It’s nothing of the sort, it just makes sense he’d exploit a readily available resource, that’s all. You’ve been way too smug today. Just because Yamcha agreed to go to the vow renewal as Frieza’s date doesn’t mean they have some sort of romantic chemistry. I fully intend to give them a failing grade for that just like every other fake date he’s attempted so far.”

The angel just smirked. “We’ll see, won’t we?”

- - -

“I’m getting there.” In the silence high above the Earth, Yamcha sat on the edge of the lookout. “I think I can keep it steady right here long enough to try and actually fight.”

Standing to his side was Piccolo. “I can definitely feel you’re much stronger than you were, so go on…” his stance changed, and he smiled, “go ahead and see what you can do, I’m ready.”

“Okay…” Yamcha carefully stood up and opened his eyes, facing the man who’d spent the better part of the day helping lead him through various meditation exercises to great effect. “Let’s go!”

The men were locked in combat an instant later- they knew their time was limited, so giving anything but their best would be wasteful. Piccolo blocked a series of punches from the human, then narrowly dodged a kick. “You’re much faster, but there’s still not enough weight behind your hits.” He blocked two more strikes. “You’re holding back a bit, aren’t you? And getting progressively sloppier-“

Yamcha landed one good kick right on the side of his new teacher’s legs, knocking them out from under him. “Ha! Who’s sloppy now? …oh fuck.” He hit the ground hard as a wave of exhaustion hit, and the now familiar burn in every one of his muscles made him wince. “Fuuuuuck. I need Dende again.”

Piccolo was already back on his feet and shook his head. “Pride comes before the fall, Yamcha. You should have been focusing on your technique and energy regulation, not gloating.” He waved down the younger Namekian. Dende was there in seconds, and held his hands out over the human. “Here, this will only take a second…”

“Dende, you are the absolute best, I hope you know that,” the human said from the floor as he felt his pain melt away. “If you ever need anything let me know. I’ll lend you money. I’ll pick up your dry cleaning. I’ll donate a kidney. Heck, if anyone is bothering you and you need them to just ‘disappear’ I’m your guy!”

“Uh, thanks?” The younger man replied, quietly hoping that last one was a joke. “I’m always happy to help with healing, but keep in mind, while I can restore your body as many times as it needs, if you don’t do something about your physical limits you’re never going to be able to put this new strength of yours to any real use.”

Slowly sitting up, Yamcha nodded. “Yeah, I know… It’s so frustrating. Thanks for the healing, sorry to keep having to bother you for it.”

“While there’s still a long road ahead of you, you’ve improved a lot in the space of our time today,” Piccolo acknowledged. “I’m glad you came to me for help.”

“Yeah, cuz I knew you’d be willing to dish out the necessary tough love,” Yamcha laughed. “I’m so grateful for all of this. This morning I could still barely even change my Ki’s resonance without Frieza close, but with your help teachin’ me meditation techniques and pushing me when we sparred I’m so much closer!”

“Indeed. You’re able to manipulate your energy to be much closer to what’s ideal for you now, and it’s showing results when you fight. But!” His expression turned stern. “While the fact that you can only keep the necessary concentration for a limited time will improve as you continue to train and practice, you’re clearly holding yourself back, and I think I know why. You’re afraid to go all out.”

The human sighed. “When I really push it… it’s too much for me. Having my own Ki, something I’ve been able to feel and use for so many years at this point, be so strong that it feels like it’s ripping my body apart? It… it’s kinda traumatic, to be honest. I know it’s a sign of the kind of strength I can look forward to if I master this, but it feels like my own energy is betraying me…”

“That hesitation, along with the sloppy, desperate way you fight when you know you’re about to lose control of it, is making you a worse warrior now even with the additional power than you were fighting all out prior to this.”

“Ouch, that’s exactly what I mean about ‘tough love’ alright,” Yamcha shrugged. “I dunno what I’m supposed to do. It’s not just that I’m holding back because it’s painful and kinda scary, it’s because I literally hit my physical limit. And that’s just with getting my ‘resonance’ or whatever close to where it could be.” He stared off in the direction of Goku’s house, where he could feel his old friend and new roommate training together. “I don’t know why it was so much easier to fight at a higher level when I was with Frieza… from what the deities said, it was just that his Ki interacts with mine and boosts it to be closer to its ideal, but I was able to go way longer without running out of energy, and could control it so it didn’t feel like it was ripping me apart, when I had him resonating with me rather than trying to force it on my own.”

“I don’t have any answers for you other than that you need to keep strengthening yourself.”

“But I’m human! Even if I’m one of the strongest of us it doesn’t change that my body has finite limits!”

“That’s the kind of talk that will keep you from ever becoming anything greater than you are. If you really believe that then why are you wasting my time by asking me to help you train today?”

“I… I guess it’s because I want this too badly to give up on it.” His shoulders slumped, and he let his hair fall in front of his eyes. “It just seems impossible from a practical standpoint.”

“Think about Son Goku for a moment, Yamcha.”

“Ha! You think I haven’t been thinking about him this entire time? I want to be a strong, reliable protector of the Earth like he is. But the Saiyans are at a level I’ll never be able to come close to-“

“You are far stronger now than Goku was back when he first learned he was a Saiyan, even without the resonance. If you went back in time as you are now you’d defeat Raditz, Napa, and that era’s Vegeta with relative ease.”

“But they’ve kept getting more and more infinitely powerful since, as a human I never stood a chance of keeping up-“

Losing his patience, Piccolo clenched a fist and leaned down over the intimidated human. “You’re not even trying to understand! You say you have limits- how many times have the Saiyans thought the same thing?! But while you are using this as a reason to admit defeat, what did they do every time they hit a wall?! They found a way to overcome it! And now you’re seeing concrete proof that you can have even greater strength than you ever previously believed was possible and what are you doing?! You’re making excuses!”

“Y-your right… Goku would see the wall as a goal to move past, not an obstacle to stop at.” Yamcha finally stood up and gave the taller man a determined smile. “I need to let this inspire me to keep going, not discourage me!”

“I’m happy to see the fire is finally back in your eyes. It seems spending the day working with you wasn’t a waste after all-” Piccolo looked toward the western sky, “Oh? It seems Gohan’s on his way here.”

Yamcha nodded. “Yep, actually I asked him to help me out with something once we were done today, so he said he’d drop by as soon as he was off work.”

“I see. Will you be training with him as well? With your physical similarities and preferences for fighting strategically he’d make an excellent sparing partner for you.”

“Not today, but you’ve got a good point, I should ask him once I’m a little tougher. For now, there was some shopping I wanted his help with.”

“Shopping, huh?” Piccolo shook his head, but didn’t ask further.

“He’s nearly here, so I’m gonna fly out and meet up with him. Thank you so much for your help today! Once I finally get this mastered we’re long overdue for a proper fight with nothing held back, I think!”

“I’ll be looking forward to that,” Piccolo smiled. “Before you leave, I wanted to remind you of one other thing…”

“What’s that?”

“One of the biggest walls the Saiyans ever had to break through was one they needed to rely on the help of others for.”

“Wait, you mean Super Saiyan God?”

“That’s right. I understand your desire to be able to count on your own strength, but there’s nothing wrong with letting Frieza help you get past your current limits. Try doing the same meditation exercises we did with him. He could be the key toward progression.”

“I’ll see about that,” Yamcha nodded. “Thanks again!”

- - -

“Here we go…” Gohan gestured to the tall shelves of a section labeled ‘Classic Foreign Literature.’ “It’ll be here somewhere, I’m sure.”

“Great!” Yamcha had been previously distracted by the almost intimidating scale of the massive bookshop adjacent to the university Gohan worked at, but immediately perked up and joined him in those shelves. “Okay, looks like it’s broken down by country, so we’re looking for England, right?”

“That’s right…. this is one of the bigger sections, it might take a second.”

“Wait, I found it!” The human excitedly ran his finger over the spine of several books.

“Let’s see, ‘The Tragedies of William Shakespeare,’ ‘The Famous Quotations of Shakespeare,’ ‘Shakespeare’s Sonnets with Annotations…’ You’ve got some choices… What’s that?”

Yamcha had carefully pulled out the largest and thickest volume, one with a hard cover, fancy binding, and gold lettering on the cover proclaiming, ‘The Complete Poems and Plays of William Shakespeare.’ “This one… this looks really pretty, and it says it’s complete. Geez, it’s heavy! Gohan, you know books, this is good quality, right?”

“Yeah, that one’s a beauty. Probably pretty expensive but it looks like it would hold up nicely.”

“Perfect. I’m not too worried about the cost as long as it’s a good gift,” Yamcha said, smiling at it. “Besides, it’s just a book, how bad can a bunch of printed paper possibly be-“ he flipped it over, saw the price sticker, and physically recoiled, to Gohan’s amusement.

“They’ve got plenty of paperbacks, or you could get just some selected works-“

“No, no, it’s fine,” he said after a moment, still cringing, “I don’t wanna cheap out on an important gift,” the older man turned it back around though as he didn’t want to keep looking at that unnervingly high number!

“Frieza of all people being a literary snob… I wanna say I never would have guessed, but it actually does suit him in a way.” Gohan mused. “So what’s the occasion that makes getting him something nice so essential?”

“It’s not a special occasion or anything, just a thanks for helping me find my new strength,” the human explained. “And I wanted to get him a fancy copy rather than just any old book because I thought he’d appreciate it- it’s gotta be rough going from being royalty to having to live in my little apartment dressed in the cast offs of two people he doesn’t even like.” He smiled down at the intended gift. “I know he likes this guy’s writing, but more than that, owning something high quality again might be nice for him while he’s waiting to get back to his old life of what I assume was luxury.”

“That’s the most thought I’ve seen you put into anything in ages,” the younger man teased. “Well, if you really think he deserves it, I can use my discount here to save you a couple zeni at least. Let’s go-“

“Wait, I’m getting one more thing…” Yamcha continued looking over that shelf, and finally pulled out a thick paperback.

“If Frieza’s a hardcore Shakespeare fan like you say he is I’m sure he doesn’t need a companion book like that in order to understand it-“

“This one’s for me,” the human replied, flipping through the study guide. “I figure it might be fun to try reading some of the poems and plays myself, maybe it’ll help me understand him a bit better. But unlike our former villain I haven’t touched anything as dense as this old English since grade school, so I’m probably gonna need a little help!”

“‘Former’ villain huh?” Gohan asked. “You think he’s gonna behave himself once he no longer has Lord Beerus breathing down his neck?”

He shrugged. “Maybe? I hope so. When he’s not being a complete asshole he’s an interesting guy, and so strong. Still scares the shit outta me on a daily basis but it would be cool if he just… kinda stopped being evil the way a lot of our friends have.”

“If he does I’m sure you’ll be a major factor. My friendship helped Piccolo flip sides, I bet yours is having a positive influence on Frieza, no matter how all this ends.”

“Eh, I wouldn’t say we’re ‘friends,’ more like ‘forced roommates.’ It’d be pretty rad if you were right though.”

“Roommates? If that was all it was you wouldn’t be going out of your way to try and get him such a thoughtful gift, you’d just show him how to find this stuff on his phone to read for free. He’s gotta be more like a friend to you if you care about him enough to to make a nice gesture out of it, and even want to try getting into it yourself for his sake.”

Yamcha scratched his head. “I dunno… A friend is someone you’re comfortable around. Someone you can relax with. That’s not Frieza. Even when he’s not being scary he makes me nervous. I feel like I always have to be working hard to impress him… but I do impress him sometimes and it’s great!” He added with a smug grin, “like, he acknowledges how I’m really strong for an Earthling, and he constantly brings up how handsome I am!”

“Oh, I get it!” Gohan exclaimed, “you’re in love with Frieza!”

“W-what?!” Yamcha flinched so hard he nearly dropped his intended purchases, and fumbled with them for a sec before he got his grip back. “Why would you even think that?!”

“Am I not right?”

“Of course you’re not right! He’s a man!”

The half Saiyan looked legitimately confused. “Is that the only reason you’re objecting to what I’m saying? Everything else sure checks out. Maybe you’re bisexual-“

Yamcha shook his head and clutched his books, embarrassed. “No, no, no, you’ve got this completely wrong. I don’t have those kind of feelings for Frieza, I just… I can’t explain it, it’s complicated! But I am most definitely, undeniably, NOT in love with him. Now let’s go buy these and get out of here before this place gets any more crowded.”

“Crowded? What do you mean? We’re like, the only customers here-“

“It’s crowded!” The human, still blushing, rushed toward the cash register, and Gohan followed with a sigh.

- - -

Frieza paced back and forth, his arms crossed and fingers digging deep into his own skin. “Those meddling, irritating, preposterously foolish… UGH!” His ranting was cut short by the creak of the door hinges- Yamcha had returned home, holding a shopping bag. His smile quickly turned into an expression of concern.

“Hey, what’s wrong? You look even more pissed off than usual.”

“Those damned deities! They came by when I had just finished training with Goku for the day and had the nerve to taunt me about my lack of success in finding a date, so when I told them I had one lined up instead of congratulating me on being one step closer to godhood they decided it was time to further torture me by adding yet another ridiculous test to my roster!”

“Geez, here we go again… What is it this time?”

“They are demanding that I, Lord Frieza, demean myself by acting as a mere servant! It’s unimaginable!” He resumed his angry pacing, the tip of his tail making agitated twitches in the air behind him. “To lower myself to such a degree! Of course they had some ridiculous justification claiming I had to show I was willing to serve others, including other universes, and not just use my future position selfishly, but I continue to think they’re just fooling around with me at this point!”

Yamcha tried to talk him down, but he wouldn’t hear it. “I’m sure-“

“Worst of all, they want me to do this in Universe Six,” he spat it out as though the very name of the place was a particularly bitter and offensive curse word. “Their could be no grater humiliation for them to subject me to! It’s unthinkable- huh?”

The human had stepped in front of him and placed his hands on his shoulders, forcing him to a stop. “Frieza, calm down and listen to me for a sec,” Yamcha demanded, staring him down. “Do you still want to be a god?”

“It’s not a matter of simply wanting it. It’s utterly essential.” His voice was still dripping with rage, but Yamcha felt his body relax slightly.

“Then you can do this. You’re Lord Frieza, and this is just a little roadblock. You’ll power right through it like you always do,” he smiled and gave the alien’s broad shoulders a encouraging little squeeze before he let go.

“You’re right, of course. They’re just trying to see what it takes to make me fail, but I’ll prove my resolve is unshakable. Besides, I have a secret weapon for this particular battle.”

“There’s that royal confidence!” Yamcha grinned. “So what exactly are they wanting you to do, and what’s your strategy?”

“Apparently the destruction god of Universe Six will be hosting a meal and asked Universe Seven to help with the food. Beerus wanted me to be their chef. As for my ‘secret weapon…’, well…” He gave him a pointed look.

The human slowly raised a finger and pointed at himself. “…me?”

“Exactly. May I rely on you once again to help me through this trial?” The emperor asked, holding out his hand.

“Eh, why not? I’m always down to flex my culinary skills,” he laughed, taking his hand and shaking it enthusiastically.

Each touch of the human’s warm hands seemed to relax Frieza’s previous anxieties. It was strange how much this person he hated so strongly could comfort him, but… while Yamcha was irritating, he was also hard working, reliable, funny… sexy.

“You okay, Frieza? I think you got yourself too worked up earlier, you’re skin’s a little flushed.”

“Ah.” He quickly took a step back, pulling his hand away and rushing to the kitchenette, embarrassed. “Yes, of course. I think I just need a cool drink.” He took his time filling a glass with water and slowly drinking it. Watching those videos Launch had shared with him had been a mistake… being able to picture so vividly exactly what sex with a human man could be like must be what was responsible for making his mind and body so… excitable… while in Yamcha’s presence.

Once he was certain he had a hold of himself, he crossed the room and sat on the couch. “This task will take place tomorrow evening, so please make sure to keep your schedule clear.”

“You’ve got it,” Yamcha replied. “That gives us plenty of time to figure out a menu and get the ingredients. Hey, maybe we’ll run into the man of your dreams at the grocery store and kill two birds with one stone! As for tonight, are you cool with staying in? I’m so exhausted from my training with Piccolo earlier but I wanna try some more meditating anyway.”

Frieza nodded. “I suppose that’s fair, so long as you’re willing to get sufficient rest before our task tomorrow evening.”

“That’s a given, no worries!” He started to sit down, but the bag he’d so hastily set down when he had to calm an upset alien caught his eye. “Almost forgot, I felt bad that you have to sit around bored here, so since you were asking about books…” he retrieved the bag and handed the heavy tome to Frieza. “For you. Thanks for showing me I can get stronger.”

“What’s this?” He took it in his hands, read the title, and seemed slightly confused.

“Uh, did I remember wrong?” Yamcha laughed awkwardly.

“No, you were correct, this is my favorite author, but… this book… Did he really write all of this?”

“Yeah?”

Frieza opened it to the table of contents and skimmed it. “My goodness… I had no idea. Only six of his plays and a handful of his poems made it to space, I never dreamed there was so much more to discover… I am truly stunned.”

“In a good way, I hope?” Yamcha asked, still unsure quite how to read the smaller man’s reaction.

“In the best way,” Frieza replied, one of those rare, radiantly charming, genuine smiles on his face. Still holding on to the book, he stood up and said, “it’s hard to imagine a better gift. Thank you, Yamcha.”

“Y-you’re welcome!” Yamcha replied, leaning back and looking at the ceiling. The alien’s gaze was always so intense, it made his heart race, from terror, or… or whatever the odd twisting nervousness he felt at times like this was. He gave himself a moment to calm his racing pulse. It wasn’t enough, so he pretended to check his phone.

After killing a minute or two he finally looked back down at Frieza, who’d clearly been in a hurry to enjoy his new gift. The emperor of space had wasted no time in settling on the couch, his book open, lightly stroking the page with an idle fingertip and a small smile still on his face as he read. He looked so completely content that Yamcha couldn’t stop himself from smiling. It was really satisfying, making someone like this so happy.

Well, since it looked like he’d be occupied and quiet for a while, there was no reason not to dive right back in on his meditation. Yamcha sat down as well, keeping the things he had learned that day from Piccolo in mind. The right posture, timing his breathing… they did make it easier to sharpen his focus. Other than the occasional sound of pages softly turning all was quiet. He focused only on their Ki. With Frieza sitting right next to him, the interplay between their energies was easy to pick up on, and he could feel that natural boost…

Unlike his efforts at the lookout earlier that day, he made no effort to actually use the boost, but instead to hold on to it, and to push it further. He lost track of time, feeling nothing but the resonance…

Not long after, Puar came home, carrying a large shopping bag from a trendy clothing store. Seeing his best friend’s intense concentration he decided not to interrupt, but instead floated quietly over to the closet, placed the bag inside, then headed to the couch. He froze for a moment when he noticed his unwanted extra roommate was glaring at him- how could Yamcha stand spending so much time around this scary guy?

Well, what he’d bought today would help him make a better second attempt at getting rid of the alien… Hoping all of this would be over soon, he sat on the opposite side of Yamcha from Frieza. Puar had meant to stay vigilant in case the alien tried anything but his poor sleep from the prior nights caught up with him, and he quickly nodded off.

It didn’t take long for Frieza to refocus on his book after that brief intrusion. But, as another hour passed, he set the book aside, distracted.

“This again… Like when Launch and I found him the other day,” he said quietly to himself. Yamcha’s aura was sparkling around him, his long hair gently moving as though caught in a light breeze. He wondered if he strayed too close the human would grab him again…? He leaned in slightly.

Nothing. So he scooted across the cushions until he was sitting right by him. Still nothing. He leaned right in front of him- still nothing? The alien rolled his eyes and reminded himself he didn’t actually want the taller man to hold him, and got up. He ‘accidentally’ smacked him hard on the leg with his tail as he did so, and ignored his startled yelp as he headed into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

- - -

Whis gave Beerus a condescending smile, but didn’t say anything, instead casually whistling as he walked by. The angel had been like this all day… Beerus narrowed his eyes. Frieza was growing far too close to Yamcha… if he didn’t do something he might actually lose this bet!

He needed someone to distract Frieza… to keep this budding affection from growing any stronger.

“Champa. About tomorrow-“

“Beerus, why do you think it’s okay to call me so late?! Don’t tell me you’re backing out of helping me now?!”

“This is important! Since I’m helping you out by lending you a chef from my universe, I need you to do me a little favor in return. You said you’d have the rest of the evening’s staff be made up of citizens of your own universe, correct?”

“Yeah, that’s my plan, although it was just going to be one person to refill drinks, serve the food, that kind of stuff. What’s it matter to you?”

“It has to be Frost else I’ll pull out of this.”

“Frost? That criminal? Why?”

“Oh, it’s just I’m bringing along someone from my universe who I think would be very… happy to see him. So make it happen!”

End Chapter Nine: Can’t Wait To Give

Author’s Note: Hi I love Piccolo. As you may have guessed from my name on here. Glad to have an excuse to include him in this chapter.

Gohan blurting out Yamcha’s feeling for Frieza was inspired by the way he did that for Krillin and 18, and has been on my ‘to include in a Yamza fic at some point’ list for ages.

Anyway, Yamza are slowly growing closer and their feelings continue to develop even as they both refuse to acknowledge it, buuuuut will Beerus’s plan to bring the other man Frieza had recently been attracted to while hating back into his life throw this all off the rails? Assuming the can survive the grocery shopping trip first of course, as between Frieza having no idea what he’s doing and the presence of an attractive but strange man the trip won’t be without incident!

To those sticking with me through this story- I hope you find a hundred bucks on the ground today. Thanks for being awesome! Next chapter is gonna be really fun, hope you’ll enjoy it!

Chapter Text

Take A Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Ten: Possibly Maybe

“Oh no…”

It had been… the kind of dream Frieza made a point of pushing out of his mind as soon as he woke up. The kind that had became more vivid after learning more than he probably needed to know about human male anatomy and sexual practices.

Yet another dream about spending a night with Yamcha.

Unfortunately, this particular dream had been a little too real, and by the time he woke up in the middle of the night a portion of the bedsheets were disgustingly sticky. As such, instead of burying the memory and falling back asleep like he usually did, Frieza was left with an uncomfortable problem.

The idea that Yamcha could discover this undeniable evidence of a wet dream… even the slightest possibility of such humiliation was more than the emperor could take. But what could he do about it? He didn’t even know if this apartment complex had its own laundry room- and if it did, well, of course Frieza had never washed clothing, he’d have no idea where to begin with a primitive Earthling washer and dryer.

Well… desperate times called for desperate measures, as the saying goes. He quietly picked up his phone.

- - -

Yamaha was surprised to wake up and find Frieza already out of bed for once. The alien was sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and reading by the light of a tiny ball of Ki on his fingertip. Upon noticing the human sit up and stretch he extinguished it, stood, and flipped the kitchen light switch. This in turn woke Puar, who’d been snoozing on a pillow on the back of the couch.

“‘Mornin’, Frieza,” Yamcha yawned. “I don’t know what’s harder to believe, that you got up before I did, or that you were considerate enough to let us sleep.” He sniffed the air. “And you even made coffee?”

The emperor shrugged. “Why is that so surprising? I am capable of courtesy even if it’s rarely my priority. As for this,” he held up his mug, “it was hardly difficult.” He wouldn’t mention that he’d had to ask Launch for instructions- for once he was glad that Blue answered, as there was no way the detailed, easy to follow instructions were texted by Blonde, especially not at that hour of the morning. That wasn’t all he’d needed her help for in the early hours, either…

“I’ve gotta try drinking this…” he poured himself some, and took a sip. “Hey, not bad! This has gotta be a sign that today won’t be a total disaster, heh! I’m feeling pretty confident right about now-“

Frieza took one look at the human’s tousled hair and nude torso and covered his eyes, trying to forget the flashes of the prior night’s dream that this visual brought up. “For goodness sake, can’t you clean yourself up and get dressed before you feel the need to make conversation?”

“Don’t be so mean! This is his apartment!” Puar shouted.

Yamcha just shrugged. “If it bothers you so much, geez…”

“It does.” He returned his eyes to the page, but a moment later they strayed back up as the human casually pulled off his pajama pants and wandered over to the closet in just his underwear. The emperor slammed his book shut. “I’m going to take a walk, call me when breakfast is ready.“

He opened the front door just in time to startle Launch (now Blonde again). She lowered her finger from the doorbell. “Heeeey Frieza, perfect timing! I was just swinging by to drop off that little something you asked me to help you with,” she smirked, tossing him a bag.

“I told you to text me when it was done and then I’d come over and pick it up,” he tensely replied.

“You did? Whoops. You know my memory is shit before I’ve had my coffee. On that subject…” She pushed past him and wandered into the main room, waving at the still mostly naked Yamcha. “Mornin’ bandit boy, lookin’ shredded!”

“Th-thanks, ha ha?” He quickly rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door.

“Hey Puar, come here a second and show me where you guys keep the cream and sugar, will ya?” She asked, pouring the last of the coffee into a travel mug.

“On it!” While the shapeshifter was momentarily occupied, Frieza used the sort of speed he normally reserved for high level combat to throw the blanket off the bed, put the sheets (freshly laundered with Launch’s help) back on it, then return the blanket. There, Yamcha would never have to know what transpired the previous night…

On her way back out, she paused and said behind her hand, “I am never gonna let you forget this, Freezypop.”

“If you were anyone else I’d kill you,” he replied. She just laughed as she closed the door.

“What was that about?” Puar asked.

“I don’t believe it’s any of your business, rodent.”

Not long after, the three of them sat around the table eating breakfast. Yamcha- now blessedly fully dressed and much less distracting- spun a pen between his fingers. “I want to make a list before we head out so that we don’t forget anything. Once we’re in Universe Six I don’t know if we’ll be able to access anything similar to a normal grocery store! Frieza, have you decided what you want to cook for this dinner?”

“You’re the expert chef, aren’t you? I’ll leave the menu planning to you.”

“Expert or not, this is supposed to be your thing-“

“I’ve enjoyed everything you’ve cooked to at least some degree. That’s higher praise than I can give most things about this planet. As such, I fully trust, and am requesting, your input on this.”

“Well thanks!” The two shared a brief smile. “Tell me then, out of everything you’ve ate on Earth so far, do you have any favorites, either that I’ve made or you’ve had elsewhere? We can make those.”

“Sushi and espresso,” he answered without even needing to think about it.

“Really? Okay… sushi we can do, I’m a pro at it. If you liked what we had at that restaurant you’re gonna lose it when you get your mouth on one of Yamcha’s specials!”

“Yes. My mouth on one of Yamcha’s…” The alien closed his eyes, forced his mind back out of the gutter, and nodded. “We’ll do that then.”

“Espresso would be a problem though. We need a special machine for making that, and it doesn’t exactly go with sushi, either. Didn’t know you liked it so much…” He took a good, long look at his ancient drip coffee maker. “You know, maybe it’s time I retired that thing and upgraded to some nicer equipment. I could invest in one of those fancy ones that makes regular coffee and espresso and those… those environmentally terrible little coffee pod things?”

“It would certainly make my days more pleasant if you did,” Frieza said. Puar shook his head.

“Let’s not forget Frieza won’t be here much longer, so there’s no point in just doing it for his sake!”

“Oh yeah, I forget that part sometimes,” Yamcha laughed. “I’m getting bizarrely comfortable with having the universe’s greatest villain as my roommate.”

“Well, you shouldn’t be! He’s dangerous!”

“Your rodent has a point, don’t forget, while we may be temporarily allied, I am still deadly.”

There was an odd silence after that, and Puar noticed both of the other men steal quick little glances at each other. Almost wistful. He couldn’t blame the alien for getting attached to Yamcha- he was the best, after all! But Yamcha allowing himself to become friends with pure evil- it was only because that man had the kindest heart of anyone he knew. He couldn’t let Frieza take advantage of that…

Was this jerk planning something even more evil than killing them? He’d seen firsthand just how amazingly strong and capable the human was… Puar glared at the alien, clenching his tiny fists.

He wouldn’t let Frieza steal his best friend, take him away into space, and make him into a bad guy!

Today he’d be better prepared, and by the end of the day Frieza would be out of their lives for good. He just had to be brave- and he knew he could do it. It was for Yamcha.

- - -

“Alright Vegeta, care to explain this?!” Bulma practically ripped the door to the gravity room off its hinges. Inside, her husband ceased his push ups and stood, irritated.

“What problem’s so big it couldn’t wait until I was done training?” He powered down the machine.

“Ha! Like you’re ever done training!” As the artificial gravity faded his wife entered the room and slapped a large piece of paper down on top of the console. “Care to take a look? My mom was working on this- the seating chart for the reception after our vow renewal. There were a couple people she didn’t know and wanted my help on deciding which table to put them at, and I saw a name that was definitely not on the invite list we’d agreed to!”

“Oh, him?” Vegeta laughed when he saw what she was pointing at. “I did send Frieza an invitation, it was right after that dinner when I was feeling particularly pissed off. I’m sure he replied that he’d be coming to try and worry me. There’s no way he’ll actually show, especially as he’s continuing to fail so badly at getting a date- actually attending a celebration of our union would be embarrassingly pathetic for a man who’s so repellent that he can’t get a boyfriend even when everything he’s ever wanted depends on it!”

Bulma’s annoyance was fading rapidly into amusement, and she rolled back up the chart. “You’re probably right, but I’m gonna find a spot for him and his plus one just in case he manages to surprise us. Maybe I’ll put him at that table at the very back with Mr. Satan and Buu…” She gave her husband a playful swat with the paper. “Hey, I know you’ve got more reason than anyone to hate Frieza, and I’m not telling you to forgive him, but maybe you should be the bigger person for once and stop letting him bother you so much?”

“Yeah, yeah. Well, don’t worry, if he does actually make an appearance I’ll throw him out-“

“Oh no you won’t! If he’s an invited guest he has every right to be there- that’s what you get for making a petty attempt at revenge out of our vow renewal! But,” she winked, “if he makes any trouble at all you have my full permission to give him a talking to with your fists.”

“Now I almost wish he would have the guts to come!” Vegeta snorted, “but there’s no way he’ll show up without a date- it would be admitting defeat.”

“And if he does manage it?”

“Ha! Who would ever agree to go out with someone like him?”

- - -

“I should have considered how much this would cost before I agreed to it,” Yamcha moaned as he loaded up his cart. “Not considering the gigantic appetites we’d be working with was a rookie mistake… I bet Champa’s just as big of a glutton as Beerus…”

Frieza, looking over the shelves of unfamiliar food, asked, “shouldn’t your ‘baseball pro’ money be more than enough for this? Raw ingredients can’t possibly be that expensive.”

“Most of my savings are in a fund that I’m not touching until I’m married and buying my beautiful wife an equally beautiful house,” He smiled dreamily, indulging for a moment in one of his favorite daydreams before the alien cleared his throat loudly and brought him back to reality. “A-anyway, so for today…” he grabbed a twenty pound bulk bag of rice with each arm. “…today we’re gonna be doubling up on rice and making lots of cucumber rolls.”

“Once all of this is nothing more than a bad memory, I’ll make sure you’re paid appropriately for your services in assisting me, assuming I don’t immediately destroy this planet,” the shorter man replied, pulling at the waistband of the threadbare sweatpants that, along with a discolored tank top, made up his outfit for the shopping trip. “That said, I plan to deduct a bit based on this awful clothing you’ve been providing me.”

The human snickered, “today’s outfit does make you look like you’ve uh, given up on life and are about to collapse to the floor crying in front of the vodka display, but it was all we had left from the stuff Chichi tailored for you. I need to do laundry… Your bedsheets probably need to be washed by this point, too.”

Frieza quickly looked away, embarrassed, before reminding himself that the topic coming back up was surely a coincidence. “Of course.”

“So let’s see…” after placing a few more things in his cart, the human took another look at the list. “I think we’ve grabbed all the shelf stable ingredients. Before we pick up the rest I’m gonna make a stop in the drink aisle, there’s this soda that I’ve only seen at this particular grocery chain that Puar really likes so I’m gonna grab a few cans for him.”

“Where is that rodent, anyway? For being your supposed ‘best friend’ and roommate he hardly seems to spend time around you.”

“Hmm…” Yamcha faked deep thought with some exaggerated tapping of his chin and scratching of his head. “Maybe, and I’m just tossing out a wild theory here, but maybe he’s rightfully nervous from the fact that I’m currently taking care of an evil, super powered tyrant? Just a thought.”

Frieza rolled his eyes and choked back a laugh. “Launch has called you a ‘dork’ before. I do believe she’s correct in that assessment.”

Yamcha shrugged off the insult. “Anyway, it’s your fault we’re at this particular store, there’s one much closer to my apartment that I normally go to, but I figure I owe something nice to Puar for being forced to share his home with you.” The human pushed the cart a few aisles over and grabbed a case of the aforementioned drink. He was about to head to the refrigerated section, but his eye was caught by a display of bottled teas. He picked one up and pointed at its label, which included a stylized image of a lizard as part of the logo. “Look. It you,” he snickered, hitting the alien on the arm with it.

“Oh? Does that mean you’ll be staring awkwardly at its tail for hours?” The emperor replied with a smirk.

“How many times do I need to tell you, I don’t have a tail fetish!”

“Your eyes and your words don’t match you know,” he replied, poking the taller man in the chest with the aforementioned limb.

“If you really believed I was into it you wouldn’t be teasing me like this by touching me with it unless you were trying to flirt with me,” Yamcha sneered. “Sorry Frieza, I’m flattered and all, but like I keep trying to tell you, I’m straight-“

“We both know I am not about to lower myself to flirting with a pitiful human. I’m merely trying to force you to be honest with yourself.”

“I’ve been honest this whole time- I find your tail to be about as exciting as… as raw tofu!”

Frieza’s tail moved with his full speed, twisting around the human’s torso, the end of it coming to rest directly over his heart. “Oh? Your heart is racing again.”

“M-maybe because I thought you were about to try and kill me?! Who’s gonna be calm when space’s greatest villain is making sudden moves like that!”

“Is that it?” Now it was the alien’s turn to sneer a bit. “Then either you have a fetish for getting killed, or my original theory has been confirmed- you are into my tail.” He slowly removed it while giving a very pointed look at the front of Yamcha’s pants.

“Ah… well…” Embarrassed, he quickly stepped behind the shopping cart. “Look,” he whispered, leaning in and glancing around to double check that they were alone in the aisle. “If you absolutely must know, I think it’s… you know… kinda fun to be restrained sometimes in the bedroom, okay? So if I had a partner with a tail I’d probably wanna experiment with that. That’s the only reason this gets me a teeny tiny bit flustered- I definitely don’t have a tail fetish and especially don’t have thing for your tail!”

“You’re just digging a deeper hole for yourself, my dear Yamcha,” Frieza chuckled, “now, humiliating you may be entertaining, but it isn’t getting us any closer to our goal- I’m going to browse a bit while you finish your shopping before I accidentally get you too excited and cause you to forget something important.”

“Jerk.”

Still laughing, Frieza left the aisle. The moment he was out of the taller man’s sight line he closed his eyes and covered his face. So this human had some kinks… He was immeasurably glad his own body wasn’t as quick to show physical arousal as those of humans seemed to be. And yes, he supposed he had been flirting a little, although there was no intention behind it. There were several weeks of suppressed sadism that the alien had to let out somewhere, and if he couldn’t fall back on his usual cruel ways thanks to his current deal with the deities, he’d have to find other releases… Getting a handsome man completely flustered like that seemed to be one, and the fact that he found Yamcha to be so aggravating in general just made him all the more fun to torture.

He sighed and took a step forward, lowering his hand- and running right into an Earthling in the process. “Watch where you’re going,” he snapped.

“I’m so sorry,” the man replied, “but wow, when I decided to come to the grocery store I wasn’t expecting to see a perfect ten in aisle five! I’d ask for a price check, but clearly you’re priceless!”

“I have no idea what most of what you just said was supposed to mean.” Frieza glared, but… his mind was still a little distracted from the previous naughty thoughts. Perhaps that was why he immediately noticed just how good looking the apologetic man in front of him was. He was tall, and nicely muscular… a downright sexy physique and face, with extremely long blue hair. Also notable was his clean appearance- his hair was styled into a flawlessly smooth ponytail, and his clothing (which even an outsider to this culture like Frieza could tell was stylish, modern, and high in quality) was perfectly pressed and free of even a hint of lint.

“Uh, it’s cool, don’t worry about it. Well anyway, I was thinking we could get coffee? There’s a place near here with great espresso,” he replied.

“Is that so? Perhaps I’m interested…” the alien replied. “Tell me, what’s your name and occupation?”

“My name is William. I’m a professor of classic poetry at the local university. What about you?”

Looking down at his target, Puar smiled. Waiting until he was able to catch Frieza away from Yamcha had been worth it. This was going much better than last time! He clearly didn’t suspect a thing! It had taken a bit of experimentation in front of the mirror to create an even better looking human transformation than the one he’d used the other day, but keeping the villain’s preferences in mind he finally had a result that surely would catch his eye. He also made a point of dressing and grooming himself flawlessly- surely that’s something royalty would appreciate? With practice he’d gotten his voice to sound a bit lower and it only cracked into its usual register about once per sentence. It was a shame his pickup lines hadn’t been appreciated though- he’d spent almost an hour thinking up a bunch of grocery store themed ones. Still, naming his disguise after the villain’s favorite author and incorporating his interests into his made up back story, and even mentioning his favorite drink- yes, all these little details would make him irresistible, then all he had to do was survive a ‘coffee date’ with him and they’d be free of him at last! He would be moved out by the end of the day, and wouldn’t be able to hurt them or try to make Yamcha into a baddie once he was busy with whatever the deities tasked him with next!

“Me? My name is Lord Frieza, and my business is in conquest. But you already knew that, didn’t you?” He asked, something unnerving in his smile making the disguised shapeshifter take a couple steps backward.

“N-no, I didn’t. It’s nice to meet you, Lord Frieza-“

The emperor’s hand was around his throat before he could even see it move. “My goodness, your complete and total lack of subtlety is embarrassing. You must think quite poorly of me if you assumed I wouldn’t see through such a transparent ruse.” Unable to speak, Puar just tried to plea with his eyes. Should he transform again? That would clue the villain in on his ability, though, and he’d lose the one advantage he had…

Frieza was unmoved. “I might have fallen for it if you hadn’t included so many suspiciously perfect details. You’ve clearly been watching me- I think you’re with the same group who sent that other man after me at the coffeehouse! So tell me, who are you working for?”

He shoved Puar roughly to the ground and pinned him there with a foot on his chest. “It’s nothing like that, I swear! I’m just a completely normal guy who wants to go on a date with you! That’s all! Really!”

“If you won’t talk, that’s fine, but I think I can persuade you to loosen your tongue…” he began to lift his leg, but his attempt to land a bone breaking stomp on ‘William’s’ ribcage was foiled when a set of strong arms grabbed him from behind and lifted him off the ground.

“Whoa! What the heck are you doing, Frieza?!”

“Yamcha!” Puar squeaked, then quickly got to his feet and ran off before he blew his cover. Frieza tried to elbow the human hard in the chest, but he tightened his grip, stilling his arms.

“Unhand me! I need to apprehend that man!” The alien made another effort to pull free but it was ineffective. He glanced over his shoulder and noticed that now familiar sparkling aura.

“Sorry Frieza, but I can’t let go until you calm down. Why are you attacking some random human, anyway?” Yamcha asked.

His body’s heat would have been appealing if it wasn’t for the circumstances… he smelled nice, too. There was something familiar about it, but Frieza was too pissed off to try and figure it out. He’d broken Yamcha’s grip even with the resonance strengthening him before, so he would do it again and catch that suspicious troublemaker!

Now that Yamcha had seen the smaller man’s Golden transformation a handful of times he immediately recognized what he was trying to do, and shut his eyes, concentrating on their Ki and the way Frieza’s spiked as he took on his more powerful form. “Holy shit…” he muttered, astounded by the strength of both of their Kis at this point. It took Golden Frieza a considerable amount of effort to get out of his grip, finally only succeeding by playing dirty- he grabbed a handful of the human’s hair and pulled hard. The unexpected pain had him drop him, and the emperor only paused long enough to sweep the taller man’s feet out from under him with his tail before running in the direction the intruder had vanished in.

Pulling himself to his feet, Yamcha chased after the alien, apologizing to the shoppers and employees that he nearly hit as he ran full speed. He’d had to step over the shredded, slightly charred remains of Frieza’s outfit- he made a mental note to teach him the fine art of powering up without destroying your clothing in the process later. “Frieza!” He yelled desperately, hoping the shorter man was in earshot, “Whatever you do, stay in your Golden form so that it looks like you’re wearing pants!”

He caught up to him a moment later- Frieza had a terrified looking cashier backed into a corner. “He can’t have just vanished! Did you see anyone like that go through this door or not?!”

“Okay, sorry about that, ignore him,” Yamcha was apologetic as he quickly stepped between them. “Frieza, seriously, what was that about?!”

The alien folded his arms and glared up at his host. “This is the second extremely dodgy person I’ve encountered in my time on Earth who clearly knew more than they should about me. Someone is sending these suspiciously perfect men to try and distract me from my purpose-“

“Wait a sec- that’s what this is about?” Yamcha couldn’t help but laugh. “You think guys you find attractive are suspicious? Geez, maybe I was right when we first met, you do need to get laid!”

Frieza glared for a minute, but when his laughter didn’t cease he finally stomped his foot, cracking the tile floor. “Are you done?!”

“Yeah, sorry-“

“Excuse me, sirs, I’m going to have to ask you both to leave.” The manager flinched when Frieza’s glare moved from Yamcha to him, but he didn’t step down.

“Oh geez, I’m so, so sorry sir. We’ll just quickly finish our shopping and then be on our way-“

“If you don’t leave within the next ten seconds I’m calling the police- wait a minute, I know those scars! You used to play for the Taitans, didn’t you?”

Half an hour later they left, Yamcha pushing a full cart with one hand and pulling an even fuller one with the other. “Geez, I need to buy more of my baseball cards, my hand’s cramping after signing them for the entire staff… at least they didn’t charge me for the damage you did to the floor! You might be banned for life from this entire grocery chain but at least we didn’t have to deal with the cops.” He pulled a capsule out of his pocket and activated it, his car quickly appearing in a puff of smoke.

As he loaded up their purchases, Frieza quickly got in and closed his eyes, powering down from Golden at last. Hopping into the driver’s seat and starting the car, Yamcha snickered. “It’s a good thing that other form makes it look like you’re wearing pants, otherwise I don’t think any amount of sweet talk and autographs from me would have saved you from some prison time. And by saved you from prison time, I mean saved whatever officers tried to arrest you from a painful death… You know, I’ve been wondering, and this is as good of time to ask as any- what’s with that? Are those pants? Or some sort of lower body armor that form generates-”

“Yamcha…” His eyes, which seemed to have been permanently narrowed into a harsh glare for the last half hour, returned to the human, and he grabbed the collar of his shirt. “Shouldn’t you be exhausted?!”

He held up his hands. “Hey, come on, can’t you relax for five seconds?”

“Just answer the question. When you interfered with my pursuit of that man earlier, you were able to increase your power enough to… make things very difficult for me. So why aren’t you completely wiped out?!”

“Huh. I was so distracted with trying to prevent you from blowing up the store and then keep us both from legal trouble that I haven’t even had time to think about it? But… I feel okay. I guess I’m getting better!”

Frieza let go and leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms again. “I do not like the idea of a human being anywhere close to the sheer power of my strongest transformation.”

“Heh, if it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure a large part of it is because I was holding you like that. Closeness still seems to boost the resonance more than any of the training and meditating I’ve been doing. But still, damn, I’m getting pretty unbelievable!” This put him in a great mood as they drove back to their apartment. “And heeeeey, you think good looking guys are suspicious, huh?”

“Not all of them, obviously, I’m not ruled by paranoia or a need to ‘get laid’ as you keep so crudely putting it! It was just these two- one I encountered while with Launch the other day who knew my name, and the other today- they seemed to be referencing multiple highly specific details of my personal interests. Both were all too willing to date me, as well.”

“I don’t know about the guy you saw with Launch, but the one today, from the look I got at him, he sure looked an awful lot like a cleaned up version of me, you know?”

“I’ve stated numerous times that you are, objectively, an attractive man. It’s no surprise another with a similar look was, as well. I suppose that was the one place where he wasn’t suspicious- if he really was trying to manipulate me by being exactly to my interests he’d have been more similar to your… rugged appeal.”

“Well, our very brief tussle in there has me half convinced I should clean myself up a bit… I forget sometimes how much of a liability my gorgeous hair can be in a fight! Maybe it’s time I cut it again.”

“Don’t do it until we’re no longer working together.”

“I’m gonna ignore the fact that you aren’t in any position to be giving me orders for a moment and ask if this is because you think it’s my only weakness and wanna be able to repeat today if I overpower you again?”

“Only weakness? Hardly. If that hadn’t worked I’d have wrapped my tail around you and then you’d let go from being flustered by your arousal.”

“Would you stop teasing me about that?! I told you, it’s because it makes me think of a specific kink, that’s all! You’re making it weird by constantly bringing it up! Anyway, maybe I’ll get it cut tomorrow while you’re training with Goku.”

“I’m ‘making it weird,’ am I? You’re the one who made it sexual. Anyway, your hair. Why do you grow it out if it causes you such difficulty?”

“Because I know it makes me look good,” Yamcha admitted, “and besides… hair pulling… well, humans have a lot of nerves on our scalps. Done right, and in the right context, it can feel really good.”

“It seems today’s theme is you, oversharing your sexual preferences,” Frieza rolled his eyes. “Anyway, if you must cut it, wait until we’re no longer forced to be allies. At least once a day I find myself on the verge of killing you and am only able to stop myself because it would be a waste to so casually rid the universe of such beauty.”

“Wow, the great and terrifying Lord Frieza himself thinks I’m too hot to kill, huh? Guess I gotta keep my hair long then just in case I need to save the Earth with the power of my sex appeal.” He tossed his hair and smirked.

“…and then your fully obnoxious personality completely negates any of your limited charms and reminds me of my burning desire to destroy this whole planet.”

The human shook his head and decided to stop pushing his luck. “All jokes aside, I hope that guy you were antagonizing is okay. Gotta wonder how he managed to get away from you, since I only slowed you down for a few seconds… he must have been pretty fast! It was almost like he’d just found a way to disappear!”

- - -

Puar sat at the table, clutching a cup of tea and still shaking at the memory of his brush with death that day. Thank goodness Yamcha had saved him! He owed his life to that man several times over at this point… which was all the more reason he had to save him from Frieza!

The door opened, and the two men he’d just been thinking about entered, his best friend holding multiple bags in a precarious stack while the villain carried one bag of ice. “Welcome back, Lord Yamcha!”

“I’m glad you two are done shopping! Let’s get training!” Goku popped in through the window so suddenly that Puar nearly dropped his tea.

“Again, Goku, all visits to my home absolutely must begin with you knocking politely on my door!” Yamcha shook his head as he unloaded the groceries and started moving the perishables into the fridge.

“I explained to him earlier that you’re both going to be busy today-“

“Yeah, Puar told me you’d be shopping for food then cooking for the Zenos, but I’m sure you can sneak a little time for a quick spar in there somewhere-“

“Wait, time out. Did you say Zeno?!” Yamcha turned to Frieza, confused. “I thought this was for our and U6’s destruction gods?”

“I suppose in my anger over the situation I didn’t make myself sufficiently clear when I spoke yesterday. The meal Universe Six is hosting is for those childish deities.”

“Oh no… Fuck. I don’t know if I can… make something on the level that it would impress someone that can erase entire universes in the blink of an eye!” Yamcha took a step back. “What the heck were they thinking, assigning something this important to you when you don’t even know how to cook?! Did they want you killed?!”

“Come on, Yamcha,” Goku laughed, “you’re good at cookin’, and I’m sure Frieza will be able to provide at least a little help, and those two are actually really nice guys. Here, let me call them to visit so you can meet them, then you won’t be so intimidated-“ he pulled a button out of his pocket and lifted a finger to press it, but Yamcha jumped in and smacked it out of his hand.

“Are you insane?! I don’t want them here! I don’t want them anywhere near us or our universe!”

“Well fine, let me know if you change your mind. Anyway, let’s all go do some training-“

“Son Goku, I am constantly impressed by your full commitment to being a completely oblivious idiot. Read the room for once. We have more important things to worry about than satisfying your desperate Saiyan need to spend every single waking moment in combat. You can expect me at the usual time tomorrow. For now… Get out!”

“Okay, okay. Later!” He flew out through the same window he’d came in through.

“Such natural strength and combat aptitude being given to that irritating ape… what a waste,” Frieza muttered, slamming the window shut.

“I’m gonna doom us all…” Yamcha moaned from the bed, where he’d flopped face down.

“Don’t talk like that Lord Yamcha! It will all be okay somehow. We can still get you out of this!”

“No, if I stepped down it wouldn’t do any good unless we were able to find a better chef to take my place, and even if we found someone in our limited time remaining, I can’t in good conscience throw some normal human who doesn’t understand the danger into this position. I wouldn’t have agreed so casually if I’d known,” he replied, his voice slightly muffled by the pillows. “With all the time we’ve spent around Lord Beerus I’m not as intimidated by the destroyers anymore, but this…”

“There has to be a way! Maybe we can convince them to reschedule and they’ll forget about it?” Puar suggested.

“That’s too big of a long shot…” The human rolled over and sat up, his shoulders still slumped. He looked up through his bangs at Frieza, who was standing by the bed and clearly irritated. “Frieza… I don’t want to let you down on this, but… this is way further beyond my level than I’d bargained for. I’m gonna fuck it all up…”

“Will you listen to yourself?” The emperor snapped after a moment. “Sit up straight and get your hair out of your eyes. All of this self pitying nonsense doesn’t suit you in the slightest!”

“Huh? It’s not self pity, it’s called being honest-“

“Honest?” Frieza shook his head. “Yesterday, I requested your help, and you happily agreed to lend it. This is because we both know you’re perfectly competent in the kitchen. Having the stakes be higher than you’d initially realized doesn’t change or lessen your skill, so why are you suddenly lacking your signature overinflated self confidence?”

“Leave him alone! He has every right to be nervous!” Puar snapped.

“No… Frieza’s right. Stuff like this… it’s the same as why I want to master my new strength.” He stood back up, clenching his fists. “I want to be- no, I’m going to be someone strong enough, reliable enough, that I can be the one to save the day sometimes. I just need to stop letting my self doubt paralyze me like this.” He turned to face the emperor, a smile slowly appearing on his face. “While I might not be to that point yet as a fighter, I know I am already a damned good chef, and between my skill and your tenacity, we’ll make sure we wow whoever we’re cooking for, even if it’s the most terrifying force in the universes!”

“Oho ho, that’s more like it. Your foolish cheer and confidence may be part of what makes you so aggravating, but I’ve came to count on their presence. It was quite unnerving to see them absent. However… there’s one thing you don’t seem to understand. You’ve already cooked for the most terrifying force in the universe, in fact you’ve done so for him nearly daily of late.”

“Oh, of course, how can I forget,” Yamcha laughed before taking on a more serious tone. “Thanks Frieza. You knew exactly what I needed to hear. Now let’s go practice making some sushi so that we really knock ‘em dead tonight!”

Puar watched, completely dumbfounded, as the two men headed into the kitchen, smiling at each other.

…Frieza had figured out what would reassure Yamcha before he, his best friend, could? What was his game?

Puar couldn’t allow him to weasel his way into Yamcha’s mind, win him over, and steal him away to make him into a villain… He’d save him somehow, just like all the times he’d been saved by him!

End Chapter Ten: Possibly Maybe

Author’s Note: Another case of a chapter that was running long, so I cut it short- if I kept going as originally planned and included the U6 stuff it would be way too long, so that’ll be next chapter, sorry! Anyway last chapter Yamcha reassures Frieza, this chapter it’s the other way around, look at them being each other’s emotional support even as they continue to deny their growing feelings and attraction!

When Yamcha mentions what Frieza’s outfit at the market reminds him of I’m just making fun of my self because I’m trashy XD

One other thought- I think one of the interesting aspects of Yamcha’s character in the canon that doesn’t get touched on anywhere near enough in fics is his yo-yo self confidence. He’s a fairly confident guy in general and clearly has a fairly high opinion of himself- but when something cracks that he’s suddenly completely the opposite. Then as soon as he gets his shit together he’s right back to the top. I don’t know, I think it’s charming and one of the things that gives his character more depth.

Thanks again to my commenters for giving me LIFE AND STRENGTH.

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Eleven: Black Sheep

“Okay…” Yamcha sat on the floor with his eyes closed. “I think I have it. Can you feel it, Frieza?”

“I believe so…” the emperor sat in front of him, so close their knees were practically touching. “It’s rather… exciting.”

Flying through the space between universes in Whis’s cube, Beerus divided his attention between watching the two mortals and sneaking glances at the contents of the multiple large coolers of food they’d brought. He was impressed by Yamcha’s continued progress… If he could fully master this potential he’d undoubtably be one of the seventh universe’s strongest.

That said, despite their earlier assessment that Frieza was already near his limits, it seemed the resonance’s effect on the villain increased somewhat alongside the human’s continued efforts. Perhaps he did have more hidden strength of his own, as well…

That was troubling. He needed Frieza to give up on his godly aspirations in deference to Yamcha’s superior strength if he was going to win this bet!

“Let’s both try and power up to our max now. I’m gonna stand up, okay?”

“Understood.” They kept their eyes shut, but in their state of meditative awareness could ‘see’ one another. Once they were both on their feet they did as planned, Yamcha raising his Ki to its current max with a low shout and Frieza taking on his Golden form.

Beerus was fascinated. Yes, they were both much stronger than he could have anticipated…

“Okay, now I’m gonna take your hands if that’s cool?”

Frieza held them out and Yamcha slowly laced his fingers through the alien’s. As always, touching amplified the effects of their resonance- “Yamcha… this is nothing short of incredible.”

“Yeah… wow!” Almost subconsciously, they both took a step closer, further overlapping the resonance of their Kis-

“That’s enough you two!” Beerus shouted, bracing himself against the powerful force of their energy, “you’ll tear this thing apart!”

Abruptly pulled from their shared meditative state, Frieza and Yamcha opened their eyes and looked at each other for half a second- they were standing only an inch apart and still holding hands. “Uh…” They both let go and stepped back, embarrassed, but still excited. One man’s golden aura and the other’s sparkling one faded as they powered back down and grinned at each other.

“I’ve never felt so invincible… Perhaps I should be focusing on these meditation exercises with you instead of sparring with that Saiyan ape!”

“It really feels limitless, huh? Once I get to the point where I can use that same sort of strength in combat… I can’t even imagine it!” Yamcha sat back down and leaned back against one of the transparent walls of their transport. “Really took it out of me again though. I’m guessing that’s the highest I’ve gotten my energy in, well, ever!”

“You had better have enough life left in you for the rest of this evening!” The emperor demanded.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry, I just need a quick breather…” Yamcha laid the rest of the way down and shut his eyes while Frieza rolled his own.

Beerus approached him and gave the exhausted human a critical looking over. “There’s a technique… I’m not fond of it personally, but someone with your natural aptitude for Ki manipulation, as well as the body of one of the less sturdy species, would likely be ideal for using it to it’s fullest.”

“What’s that?”

“Essentially, using your Ki to move your body rather than your muscles. It won’t solve all of your current struggles, but it would reduce the level of physical strain you’re putting on your body until the rest of your strength manages to catch up.”

“Noted! I hope you’ll tell me more about it so I can give it a go next time…” he opened one eye just enough to look up at his temporary roommate. “You don’t know how good you’ve got it, Frieza, with that insane resilience of yours.”

“Yoohoo! We’re almost there!” Whis called out.

Yamcha pushed himself back into a half sitting position. Frieza smacked him lightly with his tail. “Come on, I’m relying on you for this, and you know what happens to people who let me down.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, you’ll kill me in the most gruesomely painful way your sadistic brain can think up,” the human laughed. He accepted Frieza’s hand to help pull him back to his feet.

“Here, I’ll share a tiny bit of my precious energy with you. You’ll need it for the trial we have ahead of us.” Yamcha felt something like an electric charge move through their held hands, and his vitality came back in full.

“Damn, thanks! I feel like I’m back to one hundred and ten percent!”

Beerus watched with narrow eyes as the two men smiled at each other and slowly, perhaps reluctantly, lowered their hands. They just kept having to push it, didn’t they? Well, today would end that.

- - -

Not long after, the mortals were unloading their coolers and bags of food- mostly still raw ingredients, but also some things they’d premade earlier that afternoon- in a moderately sized kitchen that was apparently what Universe 6’s destroyer and his angel used for meal prepping. “Maybe if we stay back in here we’ll never have to see the Zenos… if they aren’t happy with the food and don’t know we made it they’ll destroy Universe 6 instead, surely?” Yamcha said as he stepped back out of the surprisingly massive and well stocked walk in freezer.

Frieza shook his head. “I wouldn’t count on that. We seem to be the only staff members present, so unless Champa is planning on acting as a waiter and busboy I assume we’ll have to leave the kitchen periodically-“

“That’s where you’re wrong, actually,” Vados said, leaning around the door frame with an unreadable smile. “There will be a third mortal present to assist with serving, so you two can feel free to fully focus on cooking that famously delicious Earth food. I’ll send him in as soon as he’s dressed.” With a quick wave of her staff she materialized two aprons, neatly folded on the countertop. “On that subject, those are for you two.” She left with an airy chuckle.

“There’s something I don’t like about this, but I can’t quite put my finger on what,” Frieza said quietly. “From what little I’ve seen of that angel, she’s even trickier than Whis-“

“She’s so beautiful… I hope she comes back soon. Or maybe that she doesn’t, I gotta keep my mind clear and focused on the task-“

“You are completely hopeless. Straight men are something else,” the emperor muttered, shaking his head. “Now, what are the point of these, exactly?”

“Oh, aprons,” the human picked one up and tied it on. “They keep us from getting food on ourselves while we cook. Pretty useful when we’re gonna be making such a high volume meal, honestly… just not sure if all these frills are really necessary.”

“I see, that makes sense,” Frieza put his own on, and Yamcha clapped.

“This is a surprisingly good look for you, Frieza!”

“Don’t get used to it- oh.” He looked past the taller man and visibly cringed. “You’re still alive? How surprising.”

Yamcha followed Frieza’s gaze to the door and saw another Icejin hesitating there, glaring at his roommate. “Well, when they told me we were borrowing staff from another universe I couldn’t have imagined it would be my dear senpai,” Frost said, his bitter tone contrasting with the otherwise cordial words. “That servant’s apron suits you.”

“Only because I’d make anything look good,” he replied, “but seeing you dressed as some sort of waiter- how perfect for a man who can’t accomplish anything on his own to be clad in the uniform of a role that exists only to do as their told by others.”

Yamcha was a little confused. When they’d first started working together, Frieza had mentioned Frost as though they’d barely known each other, but this level of venom and familiarity seemed to suggest there was much more to the story. Well, no matter what their history was, they needed to play nice this evening if they didn’t want both of their universes going bye bye. He quickly stepped in front of the emperor and approached Frost.

“Uh, anyway, we’ll be working together today, so let’s try and get along, shall we? My name is Yamcha. You probably don’t remember me-“

Frost crossed his arms. “Oh, I remember you, although this is the first time we’ve properly spoke. You were in the audience the first time our universes clashed.”

“Oh, you noticed me?“

“How could I not, you pervert?!” The younger Icejin snapped. “Your eyes were on my tail the entire time!”

“I… I… I don’t know what you mean!” Yamcha stammered, “And you, stop laughing!”

Frieza ignored the command and laughed long and hard. “Oho ho ho, it seems I wasn’t the first one to awaken this particular fetish in you after all!”

Frost looked between the other two, intrigued. While he may have lost his former wealth and power, he still had the skills that had helped him gain it in the first place, such as his natural aptitude for lying… as well as his ability to read people. He could tell affectionate teasing when he saw it. Interesting…

“A-anyway!” Yamcha said after a moment, “Let’s just all do what we need to so that we can survive this dinner and get back to our lives, okay?”

“Of course. I fully plan on cooperating, it’s in all our best interest,” Frost lied. Who cared about getting back to spending his days on the run when he finally had an opportunity to get revenge on one of the people he hated most? He’d start petty… and work up to killing his counterpart. It would be splendid. “I must ask though, if you’re a connoisseur of tails… which of us has the more appealing one?”

“What kind of inappropriate question is that?!” Frieza pulled his own behind him, stilling it. Frost however, allowed his to move in a slow, sensual undulation against the floor.

Yamcha looked at the ceiling, blushing hard. “Oh, there’s a tail here that I’m into, alright. One I wanna get my hands on!”

“Oh? Don’t be shy, let’s hear your preference!” The younger Icejin took a few steps forward. It would be his, of course- while he was loathe to admit it, by most standards Frieza was the more attractive of the two of them, and that included his thick tail- but while the emperor of U7 was too proper to flirt for such a minor victory, Frost was willing to do what it took to manipulate someone. He slid the limb in question forward to gently brush past the human’s leg.

“You’re shameless as ever,” Frieza spat. Yamcha laughed, still looking away.

“Oh yeah, the tail I find sexiest… it’s Vados’s ponytail, obviously!”

“Liar!”

“What was that?” Whis stepped into the door frame, his friendly smile somehow chilling. “I could have sworn I heard someone making sexual comments about my sister, but that couldn’t be right, I’m sure no one here would be silly enough to think they could try anything with her-“

“No, of course not!” Yamcha went pale. “I was, uh, I was just admiring her hairstyle and wondering if I’d look good with a high ponytail like that, that’s all!”

“I see! …you wouldn’t.” The angel’s tone was still cheerful, but his smile didn’t reach his terrifying eyes as he walked back out of view.

“Shit… he can be scarier than Lord Beerus,” Yamcha leaned back on the counter. Frost shook his head, placed some glasses and a pitcher of water on a tray, and left. The human eyed his back as he vanished through the door, and said quietly, “Look, I don’t know exactly what you two’s back story is, but that guy is super devious. If he’s gonna be here we need to both make sure to watch out for his pois-“

“Yes yes, I know all about that rat,” Frieza waved him off. “Now, let’s get things moving. I doubt those immature Omni Kings are patient about waiting for a feast.”

The two men quickly got to work. On Yamcha’s suggestion they’d premade quite a few things earlier that day, including some appetizers, so he tasked Frieza with reheating those while he pulled out what they’d need to make sushi and a variety of complimentary items for the main course-

“Is it supposed to be smoking like that?”

“Shit!” Yamcha ran over to the microwave, yanked it open, pulled out the flaming dish, and flung it into the sink. “How the hell do you set a sauce on fire in ten seconds in the microwave?!”

“You tell me, you’re the one who knows these things.”

“Okay, let’s trade duties. I’ll handle the final prep on this stuff, do you remember how to cut sashimi?”

“Of course. It was only a couple hours ago!” He pulled out a sharp knife, tossed it with a spin, then caught it, smirking.

“You’re not taking this serious enough!” Yamcha sighed. There was a few moments of silence punctuated only by a short ‘ding’ from the microwave as it finished its job- then a snapping noise.

“This knife is rather flimsy, isn’t it?”

“You kidding me? That’s a premium one, it can cut through anything- oh. You broke it.”

Frieza shrugged, tossing the fractured blade to the side. “You should invest in better tools.”

“That WAS an investment. You just don’t know how to treat things delicately!” The human set out the last of the premade appetizers at the edge of the counter and started setting up what he needed to make Takoyaki. “I pretty much brought my entire set of kitchen tools so if you look through that box you should find another one. Just make sure it’s sharp and not one of the serrated bread knives, and maybe show a little more care this time?”

“Oh? …what’s this?” The alien lifted up a hammer-like tool with little teeth on its main working surfaces. “It looks like a marvelous tool for torture.”

“Whoops, didn’t mean to bring that. It’s a meat tenderizer, for preparing steaks and such, but we won’t need it today.” Snickering, he decided to have a little fun with the shorter man. “You hit tough cuts of meat with it to break down the tougher bits, the technique is called ‘beating your meat.’ A good chef always knows the the right time to whip it out and ‘beat your meat’ with it.”

“I see. I’ll keep that in mind if I ever feel the need to ‘beat my meat,’ I suppose,” the emperor replied, not noticing Yamcha muffling his laughter behind his hand as he continued to search for another knife.

Frost entered the kitchen a moment later, pretending to ignore the other two as he picked up a tray containing edamame and gyoza. That handsome and perverse mammal male… it was clear there was something between him and Frieza. If he had any notable strength he could be a potential thorn in his side as he attempted his revenge against the older Icejin, but surely if he was a proper warrior he’d have been a participant rather than a spectator during that fight?

There was an easy way to find out… he casually picked up the shattered knife blade from where it had been left on the countertop. “What’s this for? Whoops.” He threw it at the human.

Frost was no Frieza, but he was still magnitudes stronger and faster than any normal Earthling could comprehend. Luckily, Yamcha was quite a few steps above normal, and easily caught it between two fingers. “I’m gonna pretend that wasn’t obviously intentional in favor of us all surviving the next couple hours?”

“Oh, that was dangerous? It’s so hard to tell with these broken artifacts from another universe.” Frost shrugged and left with the tray of food.

After about thirty seconds of blissful calm there was a loud crack. “I’m not sure what just happened, but I think we need another knife,” Frieza held up the second tool he’d broken that day, leading to a heavy sigh from the human.

“Wow… uh… how about this? I know you can put together hand rolls without setting things on fire or breaking anything. I’ll handle the rest.”

“Fair enough.” They worked in silence for a bit. The alien’s task was fairly simple, which allowed him to watch Yamcha as he rushed between a large pot on the stove, a deep fryer, and the cutting board. He hadn’t exaggerated his ability for making sushi (or the other traditional Japanese fare they were putting together to compliment it, for that matter). The man really knew what he was doing in the kitchen.

A few hand rolls had been assembled and looked rather nice, so Frieza decided to move on to… what had it been called, ‘nigiri’ or something to that effect? Yamcha noticed his roommate’s attempts to form the rice into the right shape and approached. “Here, you’ve kinda got it, let me show you…” standing behind the smaller man, he covered his hands with his own and lead him through it. A few minutes later they’d made a perfectly beautiful plate of nigiri. “There we go!”

“Marvelous, we’ve done excellent work-“ Frieza looked back over his shoulder and met Yamcha’s gaze.

“Um…” they stood like that for a moment, so close… “You know, your eyes are super pr-“

“Eww, seriously? Get a room.”

They pulled apart so quickly that Yamcha tripped over Frieza’s tail and wound up on his ass staring up at a disgusted looking Frost. “Fuck, sorry, uh, I’m gonna go get some… stuff.” The human scrambled to his feet and retreated to the only place in the kitchen that would free him from the intimidating glares of the two Icejin. The freezing cold air of the massive walk in freezer helped him clear his head. “Was I seriously about to tell Frieza his eyes are pretty? They are though… really, really pretty. And intimidating, and unreadable, and… pretty.”

He sighed and leaned against the door. Sometimes he almost caught himself thinking about Frieza the same way he thought about women- not a matter of forgetting the alien’s gender, but instead of appreciating certain qualities of his looks and personality in a way that, were the alien female, would make him want him. But he couldn’t want him, he was a man (and evil and violent besides), and Yamcha was certain he was straight! Or at least… mostly certain.

“What is wrong with you, dude?” He asked himself. Well, no point in worrying too much about it. Even if they couldn’t get him through a real date with someone else, the vow renewal was approaching rapidly, and after that they’d be done with each other.

The vow renewal… he was honestly kinda looking forward to it. He’d maybe finally be able to move on… and spending time with the emperor really wasn’t that bad. While he had a feeling the other man would deny it if he ever said so out loud, they were definitely becoming something more than enemies who’d been forced to work together.

Maybe they were something like friends, but that label didn’t feel right either. Frieza had shown him some sort of vulnerability. It was… intimate and guarded at the same time, and it felt like, maybe, if they opened up to each other just a little more…

He wasn’t sure exactly what, but whatever it was, it was really special.

But there was no point in over worrying any of this right now, they had a job to do! He should get back out to the kitchen… Needing something to excuse his panicked run into the freezer a moment prior he started picking through its contents to see if he could find something useful.

While the human was having his introspection, Frieza made a point of ignoring Frost, resuming crafting a second plate of nigiri. He could still feel the lingering warmth of Yamcha’s hands on his own and smiled just a little without really thinking about it.

His counterpart watched him. They were alone… this could be his chance. He’d likely die again, but hardly cared. It wasn’t like his current life on the run was worth much, better to go out with the knowledge that he’d permanently crossed one of his enemies off the list.

Frieza only knew him from the tournament of power. That means, unless that horny human had told him, he didn’t know about his favorite trick… He raised his arm, an almost invisible needle’s point poking out from his wrist. He’d coated it with a sedative, one powerful enough to temporarily knock out even the Gods of Destruction. If he could get his counterpart unconscious, then he couldn’t use the gaudy, overpowered Golden transformation… “You know, for someone who was so quick to teach me, you don’t seem to have taken your own lessons to heart.”

“I have no interest in conversing with you. There are several plates ready to go out, be a good servant and bring them to the table.”

“All I’m trying to say is, you imparted upon me the importance of never trusting anyone, yet here we are with your back to me… a fatal mistake.” He struck right as the older Icejin was finally turning around, allowing him a quick glimpse of the surprise on his face before his eyes closed and he slumped to the floor. “Ha!”

He’d have liked more time to savor the moment, but that wasn’t a luxury he had available to him. That human, or the deities, could return at any moment. But how to do the deed? Even without transforming Frieza was immensely strong, stronger than Frost. If he could charge an attack for a minute…

Or not! He heard the click of the lock on the walk in freezer opening. Shit! If he was found with the unconscious Frieza it would be obvious what he was up to! He couldn’t lose his one opportunity, but he didn’t have time to get them both out of there-

A ridiculous idea came to mind, but it was all he had!

Yamcha thought he’d pulled himself back together by the time he left the freezer- “W-what?!” Frieza was laying on his back on the counter with Frost on top of him, their tails wrapped together, making out.

“Do you mind?” Frost asked, not even bothering to look up.

“S-sorry! I’ll just, uh…” Yamcha retreated back into the freezer. Upon hearing the door once again slam shut, Frost immediately sat up. Frieza’s limp arms fell from where the younger Icejin had tossed them around his back as he wiped off his mouth, spit a few times on the floor, wiped his mouth again, and gave his unconscious counterpart a hard slap on the face.

“Ugh! But at least it worked… Now, back to killing!” He raised his arm over his head and began charging up a large ball of energy… but Frieza stirred. “Darn it all!”

By the time the older man’s eyes were open Frost had escaped the kitchen. “What…?” He sat up. “Why am I up here?” Moving from the countertop back to the floor he tried to clear his fuzzy mind. He’d been making nigiri with Yamcha’s help… but where was he, and what had happened after that?

Frost leaned through the door. “Hey, hurry it up will you? The Zenos are still hungry!”

“Shut it,” he growled.

The door to the walk in slowly opened, and Yamcha peeked out cautiously. The awkwardly intimate scene he’d seen a few minutes ago was thankfully over, and his temporary roommate was back to working on their main task.

So Frieza and Frost, huh? Yamcha supposed it made sense- Frieza had said he’d dreamed about someone ‘like himself’ before, and even then Frost had been the one who immediately came to the human’s mind. Was all the anger between them just… sexual tension?

“Sorry about that a minute ago, didn’t mean to uh, make things weird…”

The emperor assumed he meant vanishing into the freezer and didn’t think too much about it. He was still distracted and somewhat confused by that odd gap in his memory, anyway. “That’s alright. Let’s keep working.”

“Got it…” He resumed prepping ingredients, but… his mind kept replaying what he’d seen a few minutes prior. He literally couldn’t stop thinking about it, the two Icejin together, and the conflicting twisting emotions this brought up.

The realization that he was jealous of Frost slapped him so hard that his hand slipped and he accidentally cut his finger. “Ouch.”

“Are you alright? Such a clumsiness- Oh?” Frieza tried to see the wound, but Yamcha pulled his hand away and rushed to the sink.

“It’s fine! Keep working on the food!” Yamcha shut his eyes tight and held his finger under the running water. He couldn’t be jealous, he absolutely couldn’t be… If he was jealous, then that would mean he was attracted to Frieza.

He wasn’t, he told it to himself repeatedly. He wouldn’t allow himself to be. He just… he had to be jealous of the intimacy, not the physical aspect! Yamcha finally opened his eyes and shut the water off. Yes, of course. While he realized aspects of Frieza were attractive, it didn’t mean he was attracted to him. And if he was jealous of the idea of someone having a more intimate relationship with him than he did, it was only a sign of how strong the friendship they were building was!

He’d support this. After all, the two were… perfect for each other, right? He sighed, forced a smile, and stepped away from the sink.

“You’re acting odd, Yamcha.”

The human put his uninjured hand on Frieza’s shoulder. “Am I?” He laughed. “I’m not trying to! I just want to let you know… if you wanted to go to the vow renewal with Frost instead, I get it.”

“What could possibly have made you think I’d want that?!”

“You’re right, why wait until then when you could get the date out of the way sooner? And if it becomes more than just a date… I’m here to support you.”

Obviously, Frieza had no idea where all this had came from. “Is this some sort of tail fetish thing? Are you implying you want to watch myself and Frost have sex?!”

“What?! No! I’m not the total perv you think I am, geez! I’m just saying it’s very, well, you to fall for someone who’s basically your double!” Misreading the villain’s shocked expression and assuming he was surprised to see Yamcha’s acceptance, he grinned and headed to the door, giving the shorter man a casual wave. “Now, I’m gonna see if maybe I can find one of the angels and get them to heal me, or at least get me a bandaid. Can’t be bleeding into the food! Be right back.”

“What could possibly have given him the idea that I have feelings for Frost?” Frieza asked the empty room. Yes, he was… a frequent guest in some of his more intimate dreams, but only for his good looks. His foolish personality precluded him from ever being someone he’d consider partnering with!

…in fact, now that he thought about it, he hadn’t dreamed about the younger Icejin since he started having dreams about Yamcha… Why was it that the most attractive of men were the ones with the most aggravating of personalities? Well, at least Yamcha wasn’t completely gullible, and his foolishly kind personality meant he’d likely not try and pull any of the sorts of malicious tricks Frost was capable of. In fact, compared to him the human was almost likable. Almost.

He kept an ear open for anything odd from the hallway. With as devious as Frost could be, he wouldn’t put it past him to try something if he ran into Yamcha out there…

In his haste to leave the kitchen, Yamcha hadn’t noticed Frost had been waiting just outside the door and ran right past him. “I wonder…” There was that undercurrent of affection he’d noticed between the two men from Universe 7 when they’d first arrived, and it was clear the human was struggling to show Frieza he was okay with the idea of him and Frost…

Pretending to make out with the older Icejin had been a terrible plan that he’d thrown together in a panic just to hide the fact that he’d knocked Frieza out, but maybe it could lead to a different sort of revenge. The two seventh universe mortals most likely weren’t a couple- he could surmise that much from Yamcha’s reaction being one of surprise rather than seeming betrayed- but they were clearly at least interested in each other. If he could be the wedge that drives them apart… well, any misery he could inflict on Frieza was a good thing.

Yamcha hadn’t had to go far to find one of his targets. Vados almost seemed to be waiting for him around the corner at the end of the hall. “Hey, V-vados, uh…” Of all the times for his phobia of beautiful women to kick back in!

“I assume you’re aware you’re bleeding all over the place?” Sure enough, the wound was now dripping on the floor.

“Crap, sorry, I’ll clean it up. Kitchen accident, you know?”

“No need, here.” A short gesture with her staff and his cut instantly healed. The bloody mess vanished, as well. “Good as new. Now, shouldn’t you get back to the kitchen before Frieza burns it down?”

“Yeah… Thanks!” He turned to run back to the kitchen, tripped over his own feet, stumbled getting up, and vanished around the corner.

Vados shook her head. So that’s the man Beerus was worried Frieza was falling for? If he was right, well, the emperor had strange taste. Yamcha was handsome, but certainly an odd one. Maybe Frieza preferred style to substance? Or perhaps there was more to this human than met the eye… The resonance between them was incredibly powerful…

When Yamcha was out of view of Vados he smacked himself in the face. Geez, is everyone getting him flustered today? Was there something in air on this planet? First those weird thoughts about Frieza, then barely keeping himself together with Vados. He observed Frost was casually leaned against the wall outside the kitchen, and intended to ignore him on the way back in, but the smaller man extended his tail and blocked the hall.

“Your name was Yamcha, wasn’t it? I fear you and I may have gotten off on the wrong foot today.”

“I mean, you did call me a pervert, throw a sharp object at me, and accuse me of being inappropriate with Frieza when I was just helping him with the cooking, so if we did I think that’s more on you than me,” Yamcha replied. Despite his casual tone of voice he kept a careful eye on Frost just in case he tried to pull anything.

“The attack was just me testing you out of curiosity. As expected, you seem every bit as capable as the other warriors from your universe,” Frost replied, noting how the human had seemed flustered as he approached, and now that compliment made his eyes light up. “The rest… well, my sincere apologies.”

“Anyway, I gotta get back to the food prep-“ Yamcha tried to gently push his tail out of his way, but Frost curled it around his wrist.

“Stay with me a moment. I’m curious about you,” Frost said, not loosening his grip. “I can see why you’ve captured the favor of the gods and my counterpart. Perhaps even mine, as well. After all, you’re not only a powerful fighter, but if I may so, also a very good looking man.” As he complimented him, he slowly slithered his tail further up his arm.

Frost loved people with tail fetishes, they were so easy to manipulate. Between his previously flustered state, the compliments, and the touch, Yamcha’s face was pink. “Well, thanks, but I really should be getting back to Frieza-“

The grip of his tail suddenly tightened, and he pulled the human toward him. “Whoa!” Yamcha shouted, and fell forward onto Frost, instinctively grabbing him to regain his balance. The alien quickly threw his own arms around him-

Frieza heard Yamcha’s shout, and rushed into the hall, ready to defend the man who’d been hosting him from that treacherous counterpart of his- but instead found the two of them appearing to embrace. “Oh, for goodness sake,” Frieza spun on his heel and went straight back into the kitchen.

No wonder Yamcha was saying all that strange stuff about Frost… he must have been projecting his own desire for a relationship with the other Icejin onto Frieza. Disgusting… why would the human want Frost, anyway? He barely knew him, and besides, he was constantly claiming to be ‘straight’ even though the emperor had seen enough evidence to doubt that. So why would he suddenly be all over another man? …a man like Frost, especially?

If he was into their race (and their tails), and wasn’t put off by an evil soul or the male gender…

Why Frost, and not himself instead?

It wasn’t that he wanted Yamcha to pursue him, but… “Ugh!” He broke a plate.

Back outside the door, Frost then shoved Yamcha off of him, casually followed Frieza, picked up another tray of food, and headed back down the hall. “What… just happened?” Yamcha wondered out loud, then stood back up and returned to the kitchen. His roommate was so visibly tense that it was painful to look at. “About what you saw in the hall-“

“I don’t want to hear about it.”

Yamcha blinked. Of course! Frieza was probably angry right now, thinking Frost had cheated with Yamcha! “It wasn’t what it looked like-“

“I said I don’t want to hear about it. Now let’s finish what we’re here to do before anyone decides getting frisky is more important than preventing our universes from being destroyed, or worse, keeping me from godhood!”

“I just don’t want you to think-“ Frieza silenced him with a glare. Yamcha shook his head. He’d have to find a way to make this right.

Each time Frost returned to the kitchen for more food or drinks after that he was pleased to find the other two silent and the atmosphere tense. He’d still have preferred to kill Frieza, but if he’d lost that chance, well, destroying his romance was still delicious.

This continued for the rest of dinner, and things finally began to wind down in the kitchen as only dessert was left. Breaking theme from the rest of the meal’s traditional Japanese food, Yamcha had made Tiramisu- since it could be made with cold espresso that they were able to buy in advance, it was a way to incorporate Frieza’s other favorite Earth treat into the meal.

It was getting to be too much for Yamcha. He couldn’t stand having Frieza be so mad at him, not when they had been getting along so well prior to this, and especially not over a misunderstanding! But every time he tried to speak Frieza would shut him down.

He may have no choice… he fished an elastic band out of the bottom of his pants pocket and (while remembering Whis’s claim that he couldn’t pull this look off- ha! He was sure he looked great) put up his hair in a high ponytail, then approached Frieza from behind and wrapped his arms around him.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” The emperor demanded. His attempts to pull free were easily thwarted by the human as he powered up fully and let their closeness boost the resonance. Predictably, Frieza went Golden and then attempted the same maneuver that had freed him at the grocery store, but he couldn’t reach Yamcha’s pulled back hair. “Unhand me!”

“Not until you listen to me for a sec!” Yamcha demanded. “What you saw with Frost, that was a mistake!”

“Oh I’m sure. You just accidentally wound up in one another’s arms? I think you’ll just chase anything with a tail, you perverted-“

“I told you, if you want me to let go, you’ll need to hear me out!” He tightened his arms and leaned close so he was practically shouting right in the alien’s ear. “I don’t know why, but he grabbed me with his tail and basically pulled me onto him, I only grabbed him out of instinct so I wouldn’t hit the floor again! I’m not interested in him, and care enough about our sorta-friendship that even if I did want Frost I would never make a move on him out of respect toward you!”

“Why do you keep assuming I am romantically interested in Frost?!”

Yamcha sighed. “It’s okay, you don’t have to pretend. I saw you two, after all.”

Wait… there was that odd bit of missing time earlier… could Frost have…? “What exactly do you think you saw?”

“When you two were making out on the counter, obviously.”

“We were WHAT?! Is that what happened when I was unconscious earlier?!” Frieza immediately grimaced and wiped his mouth with the hem of his apron.

“Wait, you were unconscious?!” Yamcha at last let go and stepped back, surprised. “Frost was on you, and it looked like-“

Frost entered the kitchen as casually as always, carrying an empty pitcher. His momentary inner joy at seeing the other two men both clearly upset quickly turned to horror when they both turned on him. “Hmm? What’s the issue?” He asked, his tone placating even as he took a few steps backwards.

“What. Did. You. Do to me?” Frieza growled, slamming his forearm against the younger Icejin’s throat, pinning him painfully to the wall.

He may have used one wrist’s needle earlier, but there was still sedative on the other! Frost swung his arm but Yamcha caught it, the sparkling aura flaring around him as Frieza’s closeness served to amplify his strength. “I knew it, look- he’s using his damned poisoned needles again.”

“Poisoned needles? I wasn’t aware of this cheap tactic. It suits this rat.”

Yamcha shook his head. “I tried to warn you you know.”

“I can explain everything, just set me down for a moment-“

“Oh no, that won’t be necessary, I think we know enough,” Frieza said, smiling and slowly lowering his arm. He allowed Frost one moment of relief, then held out one hand to the human at his side. “Yamcha, if you will?”

“You’ve got it.” He took his hand, lacing their fingers together.

It seemed like every time they did this it became a little easier for the emperor to feel how their resonance raised his own power level. He didn’t bother to go Golden- this dilettante wasn’t worth the effort! Lightning fast, he turned back toward the other member of his species and struck him hard- Frost broke through the wall and kept going. “Oho ho, that was immeasurably satisfying- oh dear…”

As the dust settled they realized he’d hit Frost with sufficient force to send him not only out of the kitchen, but through several subsequent walls and all the way out to the dining room, where Champa and, more terrifyingly, the two Zenos were sitting. The Onmi Kings looked confused as to why a stunned lizard was laying in the middle of their table. The sixth universe’s destroyer just looked horrified.

“Shit…”

“Indeed.”

Yamcha bit his tongue and glanced around, desperate to figure out some sort of save. He had a terrible idea- it was a long shot, but if Frieza and Frost had so much else in common, then maybe, just maybe… “Ha ha ha, welcome to our very special dinner theatre!” He declared, picking up the tiramisu and quickly whispering, “just follow my lead,” to his temporary roommate, who nodded. He delivered the dessert to the table, setting it down with one hand while grabbing Frost and tossing him back through the several broken walls to Frieza with the other. “While you enjoy your final course, we hope you’ll also enjoy this performance of an excerpt from one of Earth’s greatest literary masterpieces!”

“Oh?” One Zeno asked.

“A play?” The other said.

“How exciting!” They said together.

Yamcha heaved a sigh of relief then rushed back to the other two. “Okay,” he said quietly, “Frost, please tell me you know Shakespeare?”

“Of course I do,” he replied, having finally shook off the effects of the previous attack. “He’s the greatest writer to have ever lived.”

“Thank Kami, you two really are each other’s counterparts!” Yamcha laughed. “We’ll worry about why this worked later. We need a fight to justify what just happened, so Frost, you’re Mercutio, Frieza, you’re Romeo, and I’m gonna be Tybalt- I’m guessing we don’t all have the lines memorized but I figure we at least know the material well enough to wing it?”

“Understood,” Frost nodded, then smirked. “Break a leg… and I don’t mind if you two take that literally.”

“I’m… surprised,” Frieza smiled at Yamcha. “This might work. But! I’m changing our cast. Yamcha, you should be Romeo, I demand to be Tybalt.”

“Really? I thought you’d wanna be the hero, the last man standing!”

“Surely you’re jesting right now. Romeo is a foolish romantic guided by his emotional and hormonal impulses- clearly, this is the role you were born to play. And besides, even if it’s only stage combat, I want to be in the role that slays that vermin!” He followed Frost back out to the dining area, and the human flung aside his apron before doing the same.

- - -

Frost lay on the floor, eyes shut, and a few feet away Frieza was in a similar position. Yamcha stood over his temporary roommate and clutched his hands to his heart, crying out, “Oh! I am fortune’s fool! … aaaaand curtain!” The two Icejin sprang to their feet, and all three men bowed.

“Wow!” One of the Zenos exclaimed, applauding.

“Wow!” The other echoed. “Dinner theatre is fun!”

The three ‘actors’ all breathed a sigh of relief. Champa forced a smile. “I’m so glad you enjoyed that, uh, surprise bonus!”

Not long after, Frieza and Yamcha were back in the cube for the journey home, sitting side by side against the back wall. “I can not believe that worked… what a long shot! To think one of Earth’s authors was not only famous in space, but in a whole other universe?”

“I’m more impressed that you not only came up with such a ridiculous plan, but knew the material so well yourself? I recall you mentioned reading ‘Romeo and Juliet’ in grade school, but I would never have guessed you’d remember not only the plot but even some of the dialog.”

“Well, if I’m gonna be honest, you kinda got me curious, so in some of my free time in the last day or two I reread it. It wasn’t easy, and I had to use a companion book to understand some of it, but I can kinda get why you’re into it?”

“Well, aren’t you full of surprises?” Frieza couldn’t help but smile. “Perhaps, if you’ve caught an interest, I could suggest what you read next? I have some ideas of what you might like.”

“What if we read some of his work together? I feel like it could compliment our group meditation sessions, you know? Putting our mind on a shared focus?” Yamcha asked. It felt like a silly idea as he said it out loud, but to his surprise the alien chuckled.

“It would compliment our meditation, eh? I’m not so sure about that, but I’ll admit it was nice, sharing my enthusiasm for a work I’ve so enjoyed with you today. I’m feeling rather exhausted from the evening’s efforts, but perhaps when we get home we could at least start a group reading…”

“I’d like that!”

On the other side of the cube Beerus sat facing the wall, clenching his fists as the two mortals talked and laughed behind him. Was this really how things were going to go? Was he, a God of Destruction… going to have to scrub toilets?!

“Hey, am I wrong or did Frost nail every single line?”

“You’re correct. I wonder if your decision to cast him as Mercutio was the second time he’d been in that role, or if he simply had the entire play memorized? He may be an even bigger fan than I am!”

“I gotta say though, for someone who’s basically a professional conman he was a surprisingly terrible actor!” Yamcha snickered. “A plaaaaauge on boooooth your hoooooouses!!!” He shouted, waving his arms around and twisting his face into an exaggerated expression of anger before nearly falling over laughing. Frieza couldn’t help but do the same- this man was ridiculous, but the his imitation of Frost’s melodramatic over-acting was hilariously accurate.

“Will you two SHUT UP?!”

“We’re so sorry, Lord Beerus!”

In the quiet that followed, the emperor watched Yamcha out of the corner of his eye… Frost was handsome, and fascinating, and aggravating, yet somehow this human really got to him in all of the above ways and then some on a level that the younger Icejin couldn’t come close to touching. It was annoying… yet also… almost enjoyable.

End Chapter Eleven: Black Sheep

Author’s Note: Sometimes I come up with ideas when I’m plotting a fic that I end up cutting when I actually write the chapters, so here’s a little behind the scenes info for this one- I’d originally planned to include as a subplot that Vados shipped Friest and was going to be actively working alongside Beerus to try and get the two lizards together. It seemed like it could lead to some nice humor, and I liked having an excuse to include her more in the story (I adore Vados), but when the time came to actually write this chapter, I realized it was flowing perfectly well (and running LONG) without that subplot, and any attempts to really force it in felt, well, forced. So I dropped it.

Second, I’d planned on actually writing out the semi-improvised dinner theatre, with Frost having his dialog memorized word for word yet acting like an absolute amateur, Frieza having the dialog more or less accurate but skipping around a bit and trying to hide his exasperation with Frost’s lack of acting abilities… and Yamcha only knowing the particularly famous lines and heavily improvising the rest, following the story accurately but dropping tons of modern slang and swear words into it. I killed this simply because as funny as the idea was to me, I didn’t know if it would read well. I know I’d enjoy it, but it might come across as tedious and self serving to my readers, and at best would have slowed the pace with the transitions between old English and modern. That said, I might still write it as a bonus and tack it on to the end of this fic just in case anyone else wants this XD

Last thing on Shakespeare- having Yamcha get Romeo’s line “I am fortune’s fool” correct was not only because it’s iconic, but also because I can see him, with his frequent bouts of bad luck, reading that line and being like, “MOOD,” and hence committing it to memory.

To end this novel’s worth of author’s notes- if you want more Frost and Frieza tension, check out my short but sweet fic “Where New Lines Intersect,” which is about a very, uh, awkward double date between Yamza and Frit. If you want me to do a really dorky and embarrassing dance of sheer joy, leave a comment! Even if it’s ages after I published this! Even if all you can think of to say is “WTF was this BS?” Or “Jacobean tragedies are much better than Elizabethan ones, Frieza and Frost have trash taste!” All comments fill me with UTMOST JOY.

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Twelve: I Hope This Message Finds You…

So many missed calls and messages… what was happening up there?

Frieza shut his eyes tightly and shook his head. Was he making the best choice, here on Earth chasing the far-from-guaranteed possibility of godhood while knowing his efforts may come at the expense of the empire he’d spent his life building? He heard the shower finally shut off- Yamcha sometimes took showers in the morning, sometimes in the evening, and sometimes skipped them completely, something that annoyed the more routine focused Frieza- and shoved his scouter back to the bottom of his bag. It was already contraband, as Beerus had forbidden him contact with his forces during his time on Earth, so even keeping it was a risk.

He didn’t dare actually use it to check his messages for that reason, but… he wandered over to the window and stared up at the sky. What could his forces be so desperately trying to contact him about after he’d explicitly told them not to? This curiosity was killing him.

The sound of the hair dryer woke up Puar, and several minutes after that the three roommates were all at the table with their breakfasts. “I’m really looking forward to training today! I couldn’t be more stoked to trash Goku’s ass!”

“Just make sure you don’t kill him, that’s an honor reserved for myself and only myself,” Frieza smirked.

“Yeah no, don’t do that please. Anyway, I couldn’t kill him even if I wanted to, but my goal today is to force him to have to use Super Saiyan, heh! I think I can do it, too!” He stretched his arms out over his head, then leaned back casually in his chair. “Yes, today’s gonna be the day I really prove I should be taken seriously… I won’t be the butt of all the jokes once I force Goku to have to transform to take me on! Should we go work on your other challenge after that? Maybe we can find you someone if we try the beach again? We’ve learned a lot since the first time so maybe it won’t be a complete and total failure.”

“Is it even worth it at this point? We’re only one day away from our ‘date,’ and at this point I’m tired of trying to play charming for random Earthlings-“

“Wait just a second!” Yamcha slammed his palms on the table. “Are you saying the vow renewal is tomorrow?!”

“Yes, unless I’m mistaken, which is rare. Had you forgotten?”

The human didn’t answer as he was busy going through drawers and shelves in a panic. “Shit, what did I do with my invite…”

“You tore it up and threw it out,” Puar replied.

“I did? I don’t remember that.”

“Well, you were pretty drunk and on the verge of tears at the time so I’m not surprised.”

“Ah. It was one of those days, huh?” He laughed, embarrassed.

“All the more reason for us to go through with our ‘date,’” Frieza sighed. “You clearly need this closure.” He got up and retrieved his own invitation from his bag, his fingers brushing past the side of his scouter and reminding him of his earlier uncertainties. Well… if all of this cost him space but gained him a universe, it was still a major net gain, then from there he’d be in position to take over the remaining universes as well. ‘Emperor of Space’ was nothing compared to ‘god over all universes,’ after all… He’d gladly sacrifice the pathetic sycophants that made up the remaining dregs of the Frieza Force at this point if it got him closer to this far grander goal, and the next step there was this ‘date.’ He smacked the back of Yamcha’s head with the thick paper. “Here, take it.”

“Thanks… Ugh, you’re right, it is tomorrow, this really crept up on me…”

The alien opened the capsule that had been sent along with it and fanned out the various other papers it included. “A menu, a schedule, a map to the venue, information on local hotels… a photo of the couple?- was all of this truly necessary?”

Yamcha tossed it in the recycle bin. “All the extra paper smells like the work of Bulma’s mom, she’s a uh, unique lady. Gets real excited for certain things.”

“This may be a problem. It says here the dress code is ‘black tie.’ I don’t think any of my clothing is suitable.” Frieza resumed eating and waited for the human’s response.

“Shit… Oh shit… That’s a problem alright. Guess we gotta somehow buy you a tuxedo or whatever and get it tailored by tomorrow night… my poor wallet…”

“Maybe Frieza can wear something else and just say that it’s formal in space?” Puar suggested.

“No way, if we’re doing this, we’re doing it right. Frieza is doing this not only to get his obligation date out of the way, but also as petty revenge against Vegeta’s equally petty ‘invitation.’ So we need to be the absolute best looking, most jaw droppingly gorgeous couple there to really rub it in that jerk’s face! Besides, I think it will help me too- how am I supposed to prove to myself and everyone else that I’ve moved on from Bulma if I show up with a date who looks like he doesn’t even care enough to dress for the occasion? I’m willing to eat ramen for a week if I gotta to cover the cost! I just wish I’d thought to take care of this sooner and saved a couple hundred, heh.”

“That’s a great point!” Puar interjected. “I’d love to come along but I have some last minute shopping of my own. Bye bye!” He rushed out the door without even finishing his breakfast.

“Again, you say this is your best friend?” Frieza sneered. Yamcha shrugged.

“And again, I’m not the one he’s trying to avoid. Pretty sure it’s actually the terrifying murderer that he was sharing the table with.”

“If he’s afraid of me, well, that’s a very sane and healthy reaction to my power, isn’t it? What I’d like to know is why you aren’t showing the proper fear and respect at this point?”

“Simple,” the human leaned forward, grinning and giving the emperor a playful shove. “You need me too much to kill me. And I think we’re friends and you just don’t wanna admit it.”

“Friendships are for fools who give out their trust too easily and are weak enough that they must rely on others.”

“What about Launch? She’s your bestie, right? Even though you two seem to issue each other death threats on the daily…” he shook his head and snickered. “And you wanna try and diss my friendship with Puar?”

“Launch is a unique case,” he replied with a shrug. “These ‘death threats’ are proof of that- there’s no greater sign of respect between two people as violently capable as we are than the fact that we’ve both threatened one another’s lives multiple times yet never had any desire to actually go through with murdering one another.”

“That is one weird take but I guess I should expect as much from you two criminals. Hey, you’ve threatened my life too but have yet to actually murder me, does that mean you’re finally learning to respect the Yamcha?”

“The difference,” Frieza replied dryly, “is that in your case, I actually do consider going through with killing you.”

“You’re SUCH an asshole some-“

The front door to the apartment was flung open, cutting off the rest of the sentence. “Hey guys! Let’s go train-“

“Goku for fuck’s sake!”

“What? I came through the door this time, wasn’t that what you wanted?!”

“You KNOCK and WAIT FOR ME TO ANSWER. That’s how it works for anyone with even the faintest shred of manners!”

“Whoops! Ha ha…” Goku backed out the door, closed it, then started knocking.

“And this man has earned your friendship why exactly?” Frieza asked.

“Eh, he has his charms, although at this exact moment I’m struggling to think of them,” Yamcha shook his head. “I’m gonna leave him out there to sweat for a minute. That thick skull of his might be great for absorbing hits in a fight but damn, the man can’t learn simple courtesy…”

“Once I’ve attained godhood and no longer have to entertain Beerus and Whis’s silly little restrictions I look forward to smashing that aforementioned thick skull.”

Yamcha gave him a sly grin. “I don’t know… What if the next God of Destruction isn’t you? Have you even considered maybe I could be a destroyer? I’m getting to be pretty amazing, as I’m sure you’ve noticed!”

Frieza shook his head. “That’s clearly an attempt at humor, but it failed to actually make me laugh-“

“I’m serious! Hey, come on, stand up and do your Golden Frieza thing. Let me prove it.”

“Fine then.” He made sure to be as dramatic as possible with the transformation, just to show off.

The knocking on the door was getting louder and faster. Goku’s muffled voice shouted, “Hey, I felt that! Are you starting without me?! No fair!”

He was ignored. “Perfect, now I’m gonna punch you, just catch it and tell me how much I’ve improved, okay?”

The emperor nodded. “Those are some rather bold words from a human. Don’t hold back.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. I’m confident you can take whatever I dish out… but I do think this might sting a bit, even for you!”

“Stop talking, start punching, unless you’d like a reminder of what happens when I become irritated!”

“Okay…” Yamcha closed his eyes, and his aura made it clear he was making use of the resonance. He drew back his right arm slowly, then twitched the fingers on his left hand and suddenly struck with such speed that Frieza could barely block it and was still knocked back- right into Goku, who’d finally lost patience and kicked the door open again. Both men wound up on the floor.

“Shit that hurt,” the human rubbed his knuckles, then grabbed the other two warriors by their wrists and pulled them off the floor. “But I think it might have hurt you more, heh!”

“Daaaang, Yamcha! That was awesome!” Goku was practically salivating. “Today’s gonna be so much fun, I can’t wait to fight you!”

“He he, I was playing around with it in the shower this morning, it’s a little something Beerus gave me the inspo for,” he explained, holding up his arm. “He talked about reducing the strain on my body by using Ki to move instead of my muscles. I’m not sure if this is exactly what he meant, but…” another flick of his left hand’s fingers and he thrust his right wrist forward once again, “It gave me the idea for this. I’m controlling the Ki in my aura more or less the same way I control my Spirit Ball attack. Gonna take some work to master it for my full body but even just being able to control one arm or leg for attacking seems to work really well. Pretty cool, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll say! Let’s get back to my place so we can get this sparring started!” Goku put his hand on Yamcha’s shoulder, and the human reached out to Frieza- then paused.

“Wait a sec, Goku.” Yamcha approached his temporary roommate, who looked annoyed. “I just realized, if we spend the day training…”

“Yes, it complicates our plans for tomorrow, doesn’t it?” Frieza replied. “Our conversation earlier lead me to believe that it will be difficult enough to procure and have modified the necessary clothing even one day in advance, so I assume delaying that until tomorrow isn’t a feasible option?”

“Yeah… crap. Sorry Goku, guess we’ll have to wait-“

“You’ve gotta be kidding!” The Saiyan dropped to his knees, eyes watering. “You guys promised yesterday that we’d train today!”

“Ugh, you’re a grown man, are you not? I’d say ‘have some dignity’ but I understand that’s a foreign concept to you monkeys,” Frieza said. Ignoring Goku’s continued whining he returned to his normal form and addressed Yamcha. “You were all ready to smack this ape around a bit, so do it.”

“But what about you?”

“I can handle shopping on my own you know.”

“It’s not that I doubt that, but you’re an outsider in this culture. You won’t know what to buy and you don’t have any cash.”

“Launch will, I’m sure, be happy to accompany me. She will make sure I get what I need and be willing to lend me payment. You can pay her back later.”

“Luxury clothing and next day alteration service isn’t gonna be cheap. We can’t count on her having that kind of money ready to casually drop!”

“Then she’ll use her enviable skills and take what we need, then we’ll have Chichi do the necessary customization-“

“No! Bad! No stealing!” Yamcha waved a finger in the emperor’s face, lightly tapping his nose with it as though he was a misbehaving puppy dog.

“Besides, Chichi’s over at Bulma’s place helping decorate for tomorrow. Dunno if she’ll have time to sew for ya,” Goku scratched his head.

“Maybe… hopefully this works,” Yamcha grabbed his wallet from a table by the door and tossed it to Frieza. “It’s rare that I actually have anyone check my ID or even really look at the name on my credit card, dunno if it’s cuz I’m a minor celeb or if it’s like that for everyone, but… well, if you don’t act suspicious you can probably just use it and no one will say anything. But I’m only lending this for the sake of buying your outfit! I will be checking my transaction history!”

“We’ll see.”

“Sweet, that’s all settled, now let’s get going!” Goku chimed in.

“Hope you’re ready, I plan to push you out of your base form today!”

The human looked so excited… Frieza couldn’t help but smile a little. “Trash him for us both, Yamcha. I’ll join you once I’ve secured what I need for tomorrow,” he said, then found his phone and sent a text to Launch.

- - -

“Ha! You heard that, didn’t you?!” Beerus gloated. “Yamcha said it! He’s thinking about aiming for godhood himself! Now that Frieza knows he has some competition, it’s only a matter of time before he gives up and I win!”

Whis ceased their spying on the two mortals with a flick of his staff. “I’ll admit, Yamcha shows extraordinary promise, but I can’t yet say he’s anywhere near that level of strength. Prideful Frieza isn’t going to back down just because someone he perceives as being weaker than himself has casually expressed interest in the same goal.”

“Are we watching the same human? Even Frieza would have to have been shaken by what just happened! It’s been less than a single Earth day since Yamcha was given the idea to attempt manipulating his motions with Ki and he’s already figured it out and made it his own. He’s a true prodigy capable of incredibly growth as a warrior, whereas Frieza’s too stubborn, set in his ways, and self absorbed to catch up.”

“Once they finally embrace their feelings for each other all of this will be but a side note in their story,” Whis chuckled. “I’m still certain, the one who will be cleaning bathrooms-”

“-will be you!” They both finished.

- - -

“Yeah, that’s right, get the hell outta here before I decide you need some more of this!” Launch yelled, waving her fist at the man she’d just beat the snot out of as he limped off.

“While my race obviously tends to be a bit androgynous, do I really look so feminine in this outfit?” Frieza demanded through a clenched jaw.

“To be fair, while men in dresses aren’t unheard of, they’re still a lot rarer than women are. Still didn’t give that creep any right to try and put his dirty hands on you. I know you can’t fight him while you’re behaving for Lord Beerus, but if he comes back I’ll smash his teeth in for ya!”

“You’re an absolute treasure, dear Launch,” the alien replied. “Shall we continue?”

“Right, I’ll lead the way!” The two friends walked through West City’s shopping district, the long skirt of a red dress sweeping distractingly around Frieza’s legs and tail. He’d only realized after Yamcha and Goku departed that they’d never washed his clothing, and with nothing to wear he gratefully accepted Launch’s offer to lend him something. He’d been delighted to realize the loaned garment didn’t require any sort of modification to work with his body thanks to the skirt allowing room for his tail and the thin straps accommodating his shoulders, but it wasn’t until the two got catcalled that he learned this ‘dress’ was traditionally worn by human women. That on it’s own would be something he could shrug off, but having a random man put his arm around his shoulder and call him ‘sweetheart?’ UGH. The fact he’d restrained himself from eviserating the offender was both a testament to his self control and his full faith in Launch, and of course she’d delivered.

Couldn’t say he was fond of this skirt… aside from apparently being a pervert magnet, all this fabric gathering around his legs was annoying. He pulled at it irritably.

“It’s a shame Yamcha’s not gonna get to see you in that,” Launch said with a snicker. “I bet he’d love it.”

“Oh, I’m sure he would, I can almost hear him laughing at how I’m in a constant state of being seconds from tripping over it now.”

“Nah, I mean cuz he likes pretty, and right now you look pretty,” she elbowed him in the arm.

“If you’re implying he’d get some sort of perverse joy out of this then you’re wrong. I may be in women’s clothing but unlike that idiot a moment ago Yamcha is well aware I’m male, and too hung up on his ‘straight’ identity to do anything more than leer at my tail. This outfit hides that feature, ergo he wouldn’t like it.”

“If he wasn’t ‘straight’ would you date him? I mean for real, not that fake thing you’re doing tomorrow-“

“Please refrain from stating that last part out loud, we never know when those deities are listening. As for the rest, of course not. You know I’m not interested in dating, and if I was it would have to be someone worth me- that’s been the struggle this whole time, as such a man doesn’t exist. While Yamcha is not entirely without merit, it takes more than a handsome face, strong body, and occasionally amusing personality to be deserving of my favor.”

“You continue to complain about him a lot but have yet to explain what exactly you dislike about him, you know.” Launch grinned and leaned in so she was right in his face. “Until you do I’m gonna just keep assuming you don’t hate Yamcha but instead hate how big of a crush you have on him.”

“That was a hilarious joke the first time you told it, but you’ve worn it out. I believe it’s time you found some new material.”

“A joke. Riiiight. I’m just gonna believe it until you actually explain yourself.”

Frieza shrugged dismissively. “What’s to explain? He’s obnoxious. That’s all there is to it.”

“Meaning?” Launch probed.

“Extremely annoying.” He replied tensely, then pointed at a clothing store across the street. “That’s the place, isn’t it? Let’s go get this over with-“

“I know, I know, we’ll be quick so we can get you back to your boyfriend. I can’t imagine how many more wet dreams you’ve had since I helped you-“

“If I dreamed about Yamcha, it was just that once!” Frieza lied angrily- then when he caught Launch’s grin he cringed as he realized what he’d admitted.

“I knew it was about Yamcha! The whole time I was washin’ those bedsheets for you I knew it!”

The alien pointed a finger directly at her heart, the implied threat obvious. “You might be my favorite, but that doesn’t mean my patience is infinite in your presence!”

She attempted to smack his hand aside, but of course couldn’t- Frieza laughed at the futility of her even trying, but when he dropped his guard she dived forward and grabbed the front of his dress. “You threaten me, I threaten back, Freezypop!”

“Your fearlessness is one of the things I so enjoy about you, but sometimes I wonder if it’s actually stupidity that makes you so bold. You can’t even put a scratch on me and we both know it.”

“Maybe a little fearless, maybe a little stupid,” she replied, smirking, “but I’ve totally got the upper hand here. See, you need your fancy new threads to be purchased and customized by tomorrow or else you’re back to square one with your ‘get a date so you can be a god’ plan, but you can’t go shopping without this,” she pulled at the dress she’d lent him to make her point. “All I gotta do is rip it and BAM, you’re not fit to be seen in public anymore, and then you gotta find another outfit that fits you, or even more unlikely, figure out how to do your own damn laundry! I did my research- for next day alterations, your order needs to be in before noon, so if you have to figure out clothes then you won’t have time for that. And before you say you can just kill me, if you get blood on your outfit they’re not gonna serve you. So! For as long as I’m holding onto this you’re. My. Bitch.”

“Ah yes, a splendidly petty yet cruel tactic. You’d deny me my best shot at advancing my plan to rule over all universes?” Frieza smiled. “I shouldn’t have alluded to you being a fool earlier, you’re still the smartest person I’ve met on this useless planet- to think of such a plan that attacks my desires rather than my physical form! But!” His smile became a glare and he slowly wrapped his tail around her arm. “I don’t have to make you bleed to force you to let go. I could snap your arm without breaking your skin.” He tightened his grip to make the point.

They stared each other down for a moment longer before they both let go and laughed hard. “I do so enjoy our standoffs!”

“Hell yeah, you’re just as crazy as I am, ha!” Launch then spun around and addressed the small crowd that had formed around them. “Nothin’ to see here unless you wanna give me a reason to make one of your faces into the star attraction!” She shouted. The crowd quickly dispersed.

“Anyway, shall we?” Frieza tried to resume their path to the store, but Launch stepped in front of him and crossed her arms.

“You think I’m gonna just drop this, huh? Sorry, but we’re not going one step further until you answer my question from a minute ago. What do you hate about Yamcha?”

“Ugh! You’re truly insufferable sometimes!!”

“Answer me or I’ll go home. Good luck figuring out Earth formal wear without me!”

“Fine! Perhaps after this we can at last do what we came here for?” He sighed, still irritated. He didn’t like being the one having to give in to the demands of others… no one had the guts to try things like this in space.

That reminded him of his uncertainty of what was happening in his empire currently. With all those messages waiting for him on his scouter, it couldn’t be good.

“Well? Gonna talk?”

It seemed he had no choice but to worry about that later. For the moment, he may as well give Launch some sort of answer so that he could complete this damned shopping trip and get back to training. But how to put it? “Yamcha is… difficult to predict, and resistant to being manipulated. Those factors frustrate me, as does how familiar he acts. It’s as though he thinks we were even close to being equals. This leads to an even more important question- why isn’t he afraid of me? Is it just because he’s a fool?! He also knows what he wants yet dances circles around actually doing anything about it. That power up that I infuriatingly give him for example- if he wanted so badly to be stronger why did he start slacking on his training prior to this? That hesitation and constant lack of honesty with himself is grating.” Once he started talking about the topic, he found it was actually difficult to stop. “Another example is how he insists he desires romantic companionship but shoots himself in the foot every time he sees an opportunity for it. How can one man be so completely oblivious after living… well, however long he has?! And why does he get so nervous and flustered around people he’s attracted to?! He has absolutely no reason, he’s clearly the most attractive man on this planet so shouldn’t he have some sort of confidence in that?! And on that topic,” Frieza had grown increasingly agitated, his hands clenching into tight fists and his tail twitching, “who gave him the right to be so good looking?! What is he trying to accomplish with that gorgeous hair and body, and that perfect face?!”

He was getting so into his rant that Launch actually took a couple steps back and held up her hands. “Uh, I mean, perfect is a stretch, he does have those massive scars-“

“Those scars are what makes it SO OBNOXIOUSLY SEXY! And the fact that I’m dying of curiosity as to how he even got them yet dare not ask because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me interested in his life, it pisses me off! …ah. We’ve drawn a crowd again.” He forced himself to relax while Launch once again got to work scaring off the onlookers.

“Get lost, this ain’t no performance! That includes you, pretty boy!” She added, lifting her middle finger at a good looking man who seemed particularly reluctant to leave. “So wow, Frieza, that’s how you feel, huh?” Once they no longer had an audience they crossed the street and approached the store at last.

“Indeed it is. I’ll admit it was… likely therapeutic to get that out. At it’s core, I simply find him frustrating. Hopefully I’ve cleared up any uncertainty that you had- I most certainly do not have a ‘crush’ on Yamcha.”

Oh, it cleared up uncertainty- Launch was now completely convinced in her theory. Frieza was obsessed with the man! “You know what? I think you’d feel a lot better and be way less aggravated with him if you did something about that sexual tension between you two.”

“You just don’t quit, do you?”

“I’m just saying, you’re clearly really hung up on how attracted to him you are physically-“

“He’s attractive, that doesn’t mean I’m attracted. I’ve explained this before.” Frieza glared and pulled the door open with far more force than necessary. “Besides, ‘sexual tension’ requires the attraction to be on both sides. Just because he clearly has a tail fetish doesn’t mean he’d have any interest in acting on it. Now, I’m thoroughly bored with this topic. Tell me another amusing and shameful story from your friends’ pasts.”

“Well, here’s somthin’ I bet you didn’t know. Tien acts real prim and proper these days but did you know he used to be an aspiring assassin?”

They chatted and browsed for a bit. Frieza was grateful Launch had accompanied him, because sure enough, while he’d seen similar styles of clothing on other planets, he really had no idea what he was doing when it came to getting a formal outfit appropriate for Earth together. The overly pushy salesman that kept following them around and trying to upsell them (until Frieza scared him off with one of his most soul destroying of glares) certainly wasn’t someone he’d trust for assistance!

Getting measured was a bit of an ordeal- Frieza had brought the notes from when Chichi did so, but the shopkeeper insisted they “couldn’t trust the accuracy of measurements that weren’t taken by a professional.” Furthermore, since he couldn’t get into the unmodified pants without ripping them with his tail, he had to be measured with the shirt, waistcoat, and jacket over the dress.

“If I have to tell you to watch your hands one more time I will rip them off!”

“I’m very sorry, but there’s no way I can do this without touching you-“

“Then find a pair of clean gloves!”

After several more awkward minutes, the tailor stood up and said, “We’re nearly done, but there may be a problem… I need to measure your inseam, but-“

“Oh, of course, the skirt.” The alien bent down, grabbed the hem, and lifted it. “There, but if I feel a single finger lingering anywhere inappropriate-“

“Ma’am, please! Lower your skirt!”

Launch giggled. “Frieza’s a dude, dude.”

The tailor slowly lowered his hand from his eyes then quickly recovered them. “You’re still naked under that, lower the skirt or we’ll have to ask you to leave!”

“For goodness sake, what do you want from me then?!”

“For you to put on some pants, or at least underwear! I can’t be handling someone’s naked crotch, it’s a liability!”

“Are you implying I’m unclean?!”

Stepping between the two before Frieza forgot he wasn’t supposed to be killing anyone, Launch waved Chichi’s notes in the tailor’s face. “Just use these, geez, we’ve got other things to do today.”

“Um, okay. It’s against protocol but I’ll use that measurement for the inseam at least.” He ran off, looking terrified, shouting over his shoulder as he did so, “Just take your order slip to the front and the salesman will cash you out!”

“Bunch of complete amateurs…” Frieza muttered as he removed the extra clothing.

“Yeah, well, at least we’re almost done here. You’ll be able to join the others for training shortly. Wanna grab a snack for the road before you do? There’s- ACHOO!”

“Oh no…” Frieza ignored his best friend’s other personality and headed to the cash register. She followed him.

“Here. Be quick about it.” He slapped the order form and payment down on the countertop.

“Oh my, I didn’t know you had a credit card, Frieza! You’ve only been on Earth for such a short time but you’re really embracing our culture!”

“Hmm?” The salesman glanced at the credit card and shook his head. “I’m afraid we can’t accept this. She just called you ‘Frieza,’ but the name on this card is ‘Yamcha,’ like that ball player. In fact, I should probably hold on to this and call the cops-“

“Could you sneeze? I’m regrettably unable to ‘talk’ some sense into him but you’re quite good at it,” Frieza ignored the salesman and addressed Launch.

“Um, I don’t think so?” She scratched her head.

“You’re useless when you aren't blonde.”

“Heeeey, is there a problem with my buddy Frieza using my credit card?” The human they’d just been discussing suddenly stepped out from behind a rack of ties.

“Of course not, my apologizes sir! I didn’t see you there!” The salesman replied quickly. “May I say, I’ve been a proud fan of the Taitans for years, can I trouble you for an autograph?”

“Next time maybe? I gotta get going. Later!” He rushed out the door.

“Here’s your receipt. You should be able to pick up any time after two in the afternoon tomorrow,” the salesman said, staring wistfully out the door. Frieza snatched the receipt and rushed out. Launch followed him.

“Where did he go, damn it?!” The emperor demanded, looking around. “I don’t care what he looked like, I could feel it- that wasn’t Yamcha.”

“Well of course, it was Puar. It’s very like him to jump in and help like that! He’s so kind.” Launch replied.

“What could you possibly mean?” His eyes darted from the street to the rooftops. Surely he couldn’t have gone far!

“Um, he’s pretended to be Yamcha before to help him out when he needs to be in two places at once. He’s really good at it since they’re so close!”

Frieza still couldn’t see where faux Yamcha had gone, but he did spot a pigeon. Using his impossibly quick speed he grabbed the confused bird and shoved it in the human’s face, its tail feathers brushing past her nose and triggering a loud sneeze. He tossed it in the air and watched it fly off, disoriented, before turning to his now once again blonde companion. “You were saying Puar pretends to be Yamcha. Explain.”

“I was? Guess I was.” She rubbed her nose. “What’s there to explain? Puar adores Yamcha and helps him out where he can-“

“Yes, but he’s a rodent! Not a human! Even a master of disguise couldn’t get himself to look that different!”

“Well duh,” she rolled her eyes, “but that doesn’t matter for a shapeshifter.”

“Shapeshifter?!”

“You live with the little guy and didn’t know about what he can do?! Ha, that’s Yamcha for ya, of course he’d forget to mention it.”

“I had no idea he had any worthwhile talents… yet with how he dislikes me, I’m rather stunned he was willing to step in for my sake… What an odd coincidence that he just happened to be at the same shop we were.”

“Eh, who knows? Now, you’ve still got Yamcha’s credit card, right? There’s an ice-cream shop up the street where I’m a regular, no one will pay any attention to you paying if I distract them with chit chat. Let’s have your roommate buy us some sweets.”

Just a few feet away, a large blue butterfly was sitting on a bush. It flew off into an alleyway, and with a puff of smoke transformed back into a smiling Puar. “He he he… I never would have guessed!”

He had, of course, been the ‘pretty boy’ that had been watching Frieza’s outburst earlier- he’d planned to make another attempt at ‘dating’ the emperor that afternoon so as to save Yamcha from having to deal with him or pay for his expensive clothing, and to free them both of the villain a day earlier. But when he heard the other man lay out why he disliked Yamcha he came to the same conclusion Launch did.

Frieza didn’t want to kill the human, or recruit him into his forces, or anything like that. Frieza didn’t even dislike Yamcha. He was redirecting the frustration he felt at himself for actually caring about the man!

Yes, Frieza clearly cared a lot about him… in fact, there was a definite romantic and physical attraction!

All Yamcha wanted in life at this point was someone to love. Yes, Frieza was male, but Puar knew his bestie well enough to have had suspicions he could be bisexual long before anyone else had. And the alien would make for an impressive partner- so Bulma thinks she can dump Yamcha and upstage him by marrying a prince, huh? Let’s see how she likes it when Yamcha forgets all about her in favor of his own lover who’s not only royalty, but Vegeta’s former boss!

And besides… Frieza was strong willed, quick tempered, smart, petty, and self confident- exactly Yamcha’s type. Puar had been too blinded by what he now realized was a mix of jealousy and fear to see it sooner, but Frieza really was perfect for Yamcha.

Above anything else, Puar was completely and totally devoted to his dearest friend. He resolved then and there that he’d put as much energy as he’d previously put into trying to get Frieza out of their lives into trying now to make him a permanent fixture of them.

- - -

Many miles away, Goku powered back down from Super Saiyan Three and sat down on the grass next to where Yamcha was laying on his back, panting. “Geez, this new trick of yours lets you hit like a truck! If you could get your speed up I’d have been in trouble!”

“Mmhmm,” Yamcha nodded, still catching his breath. He’d been continuing to experiment with using his Ki instead of his muscles to move his body, and when it worked he could deliver some seriously bone crushing hits that, while tiring, didn’t leave him as completely spent and achy as fighting the traditional way did. The problem was of course the amount of concentration this took, which lead to him only being able to use it about half the time while actually sparing with someone on Goku’s level. He’d been able to more than fulfill his dream for the day though- he’d forced the Saiyan to not only transform and fought him to a standstill at regular Super Saiyan, but had even gotten him to take a few hits in even stronger forms!

Maybe if Frieza had been closer he could have defeated Super Saiyan Three… “Once you get your breath back I’ll do Super Saiyan God and you can hit me that way! I wanna see how far I have to go before it stops hurting!”

“That’s gonna be a little while,” Yamcha laughed between breaths. “And didn’t you say you could barely feel it at Three?”

“Yup, but Three and God are pretty different, it’s not just a simple increase in strength between each level. You know… what you were doing reminds me of how I used to use Kaioken sometimes, not keeping it going the whole battle but employing it strategically when I hit or dodged.”

“Yeah, but you did it to lower the strain on your body, right? I’m just doing it because I can’t hold it consistently if I wanna be able to strike with any real speed.”

“My point is I guess, there’s more than one way to do battle! This might sound funny comin’ from a Saiyan but it’s not all about flashy techniques and transformations, it’s about knowing when to use what you’ve got available to you.” He started laughing and gave Yamcha what was intended to be a good natured smack on his chest but accidentally knocked the wind back out of his lungs. “You know,” he snickered, ignoring Yamcha’s gasp, “you might be a good influence on Frieza, gettin’ him to behave and all, but he’s a bad influence on how you fight!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” The human asked.

“Well, Frieza’s pretty smart about fighting, but he’s so used to being able to brute force his way through battle that he defaults to that most of the time when he’s sparring. It’s one of the reasons I usually kick his butt when we train together.”

“That sounds like him alright!”

“You’re the same lately though! I remember back in the old days when we were adventuring together, or at the World Tournament, you put a lot of thought into how you fought. Strategy, how you used the terrain, all that. Over the years you’ve gotten sloppier though, and these last few days you’ve been ignoring that side of things entirely in favor of focusing on the heavy hitting you’re newly capable of. You two have another bad habit in common, too-“

“Since you’re completely tearing me apart right now, might as well lay it on me. What’s this habit?”

“Both of you get overconfident when something goes your way, and leave yourself open!”

“Ouch…”

“Still, I think you two make a good pair for that reason-“

Yamcha sat up, sputtering. “G-good pair?!”

“Yep! If you have the same flaws you can work on them together!”

“Of course…” That weird way he felt about the emperor made his insides twist, but… he refused to let himself think it meant anything more than an enjoyment of their strange friendship and admiration of the alien’s skills. Surely Goku would get it?! This man was one of the few others he knew that actually seemed to like having Frieza on Earth after all. Seeking reassurance that there was nothing odd about how he felt, he casually steered the conversation. “Frieza’s really something else though, isn’t he?”

“He sure is! I’m having the time of my life getting to spar with him almost daily!”

Yes, Goku got it! Yamcha nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, he’s so unimaginably strong and probably the toughest guy I know other than maybe you. Fascinating, too!”

“Crazy how someone as unredeemably evil as that has not only helped save us all in the Tournament of Power, but is also training with the both of us now?” He snickered, “I bet we can make a good guy out of him yet!”

“I want that so much, it’s pretty much my greatest hope right now! Heck, if he was willing to be a little less of a jerk I’d even be fine with him staying with Puar and me long term, you know?”

“I’d say the same if it weren’t for knowing Chichi would kill me if I invited him to live with us!”

It was a relief, talking with someone else so enthusiastic about Frieza, such to the point that Yamcha said the next parts without even thinking. “And how amazing is his tail? I can’t look away!”

“Yeah, he makes such good use of it for both offense and defense. Kinda makes me wish I still had mine to be honest.”

“And he’s not only strong, he’s so pretty! It’s unfair a guy’s got eyes or lips or shapely thighs like that!”

“Yeah, those thick thighs-“ See, Yamcha thought to himself, it wasn’t weird to be thinking these things about Frieza! “-are great for his powerful kicks, but I dunno about the rest of that.”

Yamcha cringed. “It was just a joke, ha ha? Since you were agreeing with whatever I said, I figured it would be like, ha ha, gotcha? You know?”

“You’re a weird one, Yamcha! Now, ready for another round yet?”

“Nah,” he replied, embarrassed. “I think I need to go home and rest up. Gotta be ready to go for tomorrow, I get the feeling it’s gonna be an exhausting day. With that in mind, Frieza’s probably gonna be here sometime soon, don’t keep him too late, cool?”

“Aw, okay. If you say so… Just make sure you keep him in check tomorrow, okay? I think Bulma will lose it if anything goes wrong at her party, and she can be even scarier than he is!”

“You don’t gotta tell me that! I’ve lived with her, I know it better than anyone!”

“Geez, Bulma and now Frieza, you really like these scary types, huh?”

“L-like them?!”

“For roommates!”

“Y-yeah, guess I do? Gotta go, see ya tomorrow Goku!”

- - -

Frieza had mixed feelings about ice cream. It was awkward and messy to eat in this ‘cone,’ but the coffee flavor that he’d chosen was delicious and the rich, slightly bitter complexity of the coffee tempered the sweetness of the dessert. The cool temperature of it was refreshing, too. Launch loved the stuff and had chosen what she called a ‘sundae,’ with multiple scoops in various flavors covered in sauces and sprinkles. They ate as they walked back to Yamcha’s apartment, intending to drop off the claim ticket as well as a few accessories that hadn’t required any modification before he joined the human in training with Goku.

“Almost there, so I guess I’ll let you be now,” Launch said. “Have fun kicking those two around a bit! See ya tomorrow!”

He hadn’t expected the man to be at home, but he could feel it- that intensifying of their resonance as he opened the door. Yamcha had just finished his post-training shower, his achy body feeling somewhat soothed by the warm water. He also of course felt the presence of the other man. “Frieza’s here?”

Stepping out of the bathroom, he locked eyes with the emperor, who paused mid-lick of his ice-cream. That tongue… “Ah…”

Frieza’s attention was immediately drawn to the human, his hair damp and skin flushed from the hot water, clad in just a thin towel wrapped around his waist. “Oh…”

“Um…”

“I was just leaving.” The villain dropped his bag and quickly stepped back out the door just as Yamcha rushed back into the bathroom.

Neither of them noticed Puar, who’d been watching from the couch, his hands clasped over his heart and eyes sparkling. Yes… it was soooo obvious they liked each other. He’d do his part to make sure they worked out! After all, he’d do anything for Yamcha!

End Chapter Twelve: I Hope This Message Finds You…

Author’s Note: Between my being vaccinated now and restrictions lifting in my area I’m actually getting my life back, which means some chapters (like this one, which was delayed by my spending the other weekend at two of my favorite theme parks) might be a little slower since my time is more divided, sorry about that! I will still be writing though, someone’s gotta keep content coming for this ship. The funny thing is this was supposed to be a ‘quick’ chapter, whoops. Not fully happy with it either, it doesn’t feel cohesive to me.

The dress Frieza’s wearing is the red dress Launch wears most notably in the 23rd world tournament arc in the original Dragon Ball, btw! If you want a visual and couldn’t picture it, well, give it a search.

So what’s going on up in space that has Frieza’s forces so desperately trying to reach him? Will Yamcha and Frieza be able to successfully pull off their ‘date’ at the vow renewal? Will Puar’s new plan to help get them together be as ill fated as his prior plans to keep them apart? Will Goku ever learn the polite and proper way to visit someone? Okay I can’t guarantee that last question will be answered, but for the rest, keep reading ;)

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Thirteen: Are You Ready?

“I’m not going to continue to read these with you if you refuse to take them seriously!” Frieza demanded, leaning away from a snickering Yamcha. The two men were reclined on their sides facing each other, the book that the human had gifted the alien laying on the bed between them. While not exactly formal meditation, the human’s idea that reading together could be beneficial wasn’t without merit- perhaps it was the rhythmic nature of the poetry, or putting their minds on a shared focus, but it did seem to help focus their resonance. Besides, it was fun.

“I’m taking this seriously, I swear! I think this one is supposed to be funny, okay? If I’m giggling it’s because I’m enjoying the poem as your beloved Shakespeare intended, that’s all!”

“You could be right,” he conceded with a shrug after a moment’s deliberation. “This ‘Sonnet 130’s rejection of the usual imagery could possibly be intentional satire. I suppose I’m grateful it has prompted such a reaction from you. Shall we continue?”

“For sure!” Yamcha cleared his throat and resumed reading out loud, his fingertip running under the text. “Okay… ‘And in some perfumes is there more delight, than in the breath that from my mistress reeks-‘ Ha! Now even you’re snickering!”

The emperor closed his eyes and smiled. “To think, the same poet who composed the most romantic work imaginable also wrote about this woman’s halitosis…”

“Is this ruining your favorite author?”

“Not at all, I think I may appreciate him more than ever, in fact! But ‘Sonnet 18’ is still his masterpiece.”

“This is kinda cute in its own way though, isn’t it?” Yamcha asked as he quickly skimmed the remaining lines of the poem. “Like, he’s saying his lady isn’t perfect but he loves her more for her faults rather than pretending she’s something she isn’t? I think?”

“I’ll agree with that interpretation. I suppose looking at it that way is appropriate for a romantic such as yourself.”

“For sure! Loving someone for what makes them great is one thing, but loving someone for what makes them suck as well? That’s the real deal.”

“Someone like you with such a multitude of flaws must have to tell himself that on a regular basis, hmm?” Frieza asked, but his eyes made it clear he was teasing.

“Oh, like you’re one to talk when it comes to flaws!” Yamcha laughed. They smiled at each other for a moment. “Despite those flaws I’m looking forward to our ‘date’ tonight. I wanna see how you manage to be polite when you’re in a room full of Saiyans!”

“I’m fully capable of being a proper guest… Even if I will be forced to hold back the urge to retch that always overcomes me when I smell those repulsive apes I’m still a gentleman in social circumstances.”

There was a loud click, then the apartment’s door slowly opened and Puar floated inside, carrying a garment bag. “Hello you two!”

“Welcome back, Puar! Thanks for volunteering to pick that up!”

“Of course! You’ve got a big night ahead of you, I wanted to make sure you both had plenty of time to relax and be ready!” He replied. Of course, if he was the one claiming Frieza’s new formal wear that meant the other two men were left alone together in the apartment for a while… Only one of Puar’s many ideas to try and get these two together for real before the day was over!

“To think, as long as we each play our roles correctly, I’ll finally be over this ridiculous hurdle and making real steps toward my bigger goals…” Frieza sat up and closed the book, the signed baseball card Yamcha had given him serving as a bookmark.

“Well, as long as you’re on Earth you’re welcome to stay with us even after this particular challenge is finished, right Yamcha?” Puar asked.

“Oh for sure, you’re totally welcome, Frieza!” Yamcha nodded enthusiastically, “I’m just surprised you’re so willing, Puar.”

The shapeshifter shrugged, “Let’s just say I’m starting to see the benefits of having him around, that’s all!”

“I guess I should start getting ready. We aren’t gonna want to fly over when we’re dressed up, so we need to budget some time for the drive.” Yamcha got off the bed and stretched before grabbing a handful of his hair and sighing. “For a formal event I guess I gotta flat iron this mess and ponytail it, and that takes a lot of time and a about a gallon of product so I should get on that-“

“Don’t,” the alien interjected. Ignoring Yamcha’s questions, he approached him and stared thoughtfully for a moment before reaching around with his tail and using it to loosely pull back the human’s hair.

“W-what are you-“

“Hush. Our intention is to be the most attractive couple at this gathering is it not? So hold still while I figure this out.”

“O-okay…”

Frieza ran his fingers through the taller man’s soft, thick hair, arranging it first into a somewhat sleek ponytail that fell apart in seconds (no wonder he was saying he’d need additional tools to make that look work!). He kept his expression neutral but was uncomfortably aware of Yamcha’s body heat and increased pulse…

As for the human, his eyes darted between between the wall and ceiling- anywhere but Frieza. His touch felt nice to the affection starved Yamcha, and of course he just had to be using his tail!

“You’re blushing, Yamcha.”

“No I’m not.”

Frieza laughed, and finally took a step back, his tail giving the other man’s hair a light pull before letting go. “If you insist on pulling your hair back, do so loosely. It looks much better if you leave the front a little wild.”

“You think?”

He nodded. “When it comes to making decisions regarding your aesthetics, consider I’ve been forced to stare at you daily for quite a while at this point. Your ruggedness is half of your appeal.”

Puar, who’d been watching with rapt attention, finally put down the garment bags and added, “when it comes to what will make you look sexiest I’m sure we can rely on Frieza’s judgement!”

“Sexiest?”

The alien shrugged, “I suppose that’s accurate.”

“Thanks then! If I don’t have to worry so much about my hair that frees up a little time… should we keep reading?”

“Had I been told several weeks ago that I’d soon be enjoying new-to-me poetry from my favorite author with someone as graceless as yourself I’d never have believed it,” Frieza chuckled. “This life is full of surprises.”

- - -

“Third time’s the charm… maybe?”

Frieza and Yamcha stood facing each other, half dressed for the night in their formal pants and shirts. Things had been going smoothly prior to this point, but-

“Since you already owned one of these ‘tuxedos’ I assumed you knew how to properly wear it…”

“Well sure, but it’s been a couple years. I can tie a regular necktie easy enough, but bowties are completely different!”

“Can we omit them without ruining the look?”

“Nah. A tux without a bow tie would just look lazy. I’m sure we’ll get it this time! So let’s give it another go, try and mirror me. Pull it so one side is longer, then cross it over, then bring the longer side up under, then… I think this, kinda pinch it and twist it?” Half a minute later they were once again untangling themselves. “Okay, new idea. I’m sure there’s an instruction video we can watch. Let’s try that.” Yamcha picked up a phone from the table next to them, turned on the screen, then smiled. “Perfect, it’s already on a video streaming site- wait, what the heck is this? ‘Buff handsome athlete takes twink’s-‘ huh?!”

Frieza somehow moved even faster than he’d ever done in battle to snatch the device out of his hand. “That’s MY phone,” he hissed. “Use your own.”

“You were looking at gay p-“

“The phone you gave me has viruses, it redirects to those things without my input!”

“I bought that phone brand new-“

“Then you were scammed!” Frieza lied, quickly clearing his history and closing the tab. “Anyway, back to the task at hand!”

They found a video, which clarified the process. Much to Frieza’s amusement he managed to get his tied first in spite of having never worn one before. After watching the human’s continued struggle for a minute, he stepped in. “Here, allow me…”

“You’re pulling it too tight, trying to choke me?”

“Oho ho, I wouldn’t dream of it. Putting aside the fact that I need a living companion for this ‘date’ to count, I’m sure a perverted man such as yourself with an interest in rough play like bondage and hair pulling would get off on it.”

“You calling me a perv is the pot calling the kettle black. You’re the one with the porn habit!”

“As I stated, that was a redirect! Anyway, it’s done.”

After putting on the last remaining pieces of their outfits they stood together in front of the mirror. As the final touch, Yamcha tied his hair in a low, loose, slightly messy ponytail as they other had recommended. “There… all set. We look…” he let his eyes linger on their reflection for a moment before turning to his companion, “…incredible.”

“Indeed. I’ll be stunned if we fail in our mission to be the best looking couple at this event,” Frieza replied, looking the human over. He really owned this look- the emperor had thought that fancy dress wouldn’t suit Yamcha, yet the clean lines and fine materials of his outfit made for an exquisite contrast with his rugged, roguish handsomeness. He was quite honestly gorgeous.

“If we are, then it’s all you,” Yamcha said as he looked the shorter man over, feeling himself smiling without being able to help it. The well tailored outfit emphasized his unusual shape, from his slender waist to his broad shoulders. His tail slowly moved against the ground behind him, and he felt his breath catch in his throat for a moment before meeting the emperor’s eyes. “We’re really gonna knock ‘em dead tonight.”

“Let’s not forget, while we have three goals- our petty revenge against the Saiyan prince, helping you get closure on your failed relationship, and satisfying my need for a proper date- the last of the three is by far the most important. If you mess this up… I’ll be most displeased.” He narrowed his eyes.

Yamcha nodded. “Don’t worry, we’ve got this as long as you can handle the goodnight kiss-“

“That’s not what I’m worried about at this point! Let’s say one of your friends asks you something to the effect of, ‘oh Yamcha, I thought you liked to pretend to be straight, yet here you are on a date with Lord Frieza,’ how will you respond?”

“Eh, I think I’ll use the same lie I used when I fake dated Tien, I’ll say hanging out with a gay guy made me realize I was a little bicurious so I was just seeing what it’s like-“

“That was a lie?”

He flinched. “Whoops. Uh… sorry, at that point we still weren’t convinced you were gonna abstain from murder, and when Launch volunteered to be your date, Tien insisted you’d need someone keeping an eye on you, so we pretended it was a double date as an excuse to stay close.”

“I’d be annoyed if it wasn’t for the fact that this allowed me to meet my favorite,” Frieza replied, but kept glaring as he said, “but no more lying to me. At this point I know you well enough that I’ll be able to immediately tell, and I’ll consider it insubordination. I’d invite you to ask any of my troops how I handle insubordination, but unfortunately for you all the ones who’ve had personal experience with this are dead.”

“Got it, got it,” Yamcha sighed. “But hey, you’ve said Launch is your favorite like a thousand times, but if you’re ranking Earthlings, where do I fall? I gotta be at least second, right?”

“Hmm…” Frieza slowly looked him over, smirking. “If I’m feeling generous, I’d say… maybe fourth.”

“Just fourth?! Come on, who else could you possibly like more than me?!”

“Launch is of course number one, number two would be number Seventeen-“

“17? Why, cuz he’s pretty?”

“Of course not. Not everyone evaluates others worth based primarily on their physical appearance like yourself. That android was an incredible ally during the Tournament of Power. He’s one of the rare beings who’ve earned my respect.”

“He was the one who won it all, I heard-“

“That’s correct, but it was a coordinated effort. I was essential,” Frieza replied irritably.

“I actually never heard how it all went down in detail. You should tell me about it, I wanna know all the ass you kicked!” It was hard to stay annoyed when Yamcha was grinning like that. Frieza smiled a little and continued.

“As for the third place, that would be…”

“Well? Don’t leave me hanging!”

“…literally anyone else,” the emperor finally finished, smirking.

“Jerk. If we fail tonight it’s not gonna be my fault, it’s gonna be yours for being such an ass that no one believes you’d actually date a sweetheart like me,” Yamcha fake pouted, then laughed and threw his arm around the shorter man’s shoulders. “Nah, we both know I’m really your second favorite… and we’re gonna absolutely kill it tonight. I mean, look at us!”

Frieza almost shoved the human off of him, but he supposed he’d consider this practice for making their ‘date’ look convincing. Besides… his arm was warm, and he did like body heat… “Our appearances are rather complimentary. Now, there’s one more thing we need to agree on- we want this date to look legitimate, but obviously have no intention of continuing to see one another in this capacity after this.”

“Easy!” Yamcha crossed his arms and turned to face Frieza, who was mildly disappointed at the loss of that touch. “Once again, we’ll borrow a lie from my last fake date. We’ll say ‘we had a wonderful time but have realized we’re more compatible as friends.’ Cool?”

“We had a wonderful time but have realized we’re more compatible as… friends?” He repeated back, rolling his eyes on the last word. “Well, that should work for our purposes, I suppose. Now, while we were likely able to speak freely right now as the deities are surely in transit to Earth for this same event at this very moment, from here out we can’t breathe a single word that could indicate this date is anything but authentic. They could be listening at any moment.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen first hand how good Lord Beerus’s ears are,” Yamcha sighed, “and I’m pretty sure Whis can watch us at any time. I’ll remind Puar to be careful, too.”

“I’ll do the same for Launch. Other than those two, everyone else needs to be convinced by our fake chemistry. The more people that know the truth, the more chances there are for it to leak out. Are you ready?”

“Yeah. Let’s go!”

- - -

It was late afternoon as the three roommates arrived at Capsule Corp. Between the beginnings of what was sure to be a dramatic sunset coloring the sky and the seemingly endless flowers and lights adorning the lawn and building itself there was an appropriately romantic atmosphere for such an event. A live band was playing, and Yamcha could see dozens of people, including most of his friends, making their way to the main garden.

Puar jumped out of the car so fast you’d have thought it was about to catch fire. “I’m going to run ahead and get a good seat! See you two in a bit!” He rushed off, then hid behind a particularly large floral arrangement, smiling as he peeked at Yamcha and Frieza through the petals.

“Someone’s being sneaky. Whatcha up to?”

He jumped, and turned to see Launch. “I’m not up to anything, just uh, well…”

She leaned in and whispered, “you’ve gotta be seeing it too, right? Those two’s chemistry?”

Nodding enthusiastically, he grabbed her hand with his tiny paws. “Yes!” He then dropped them in favor of covering his mouth, then continued at a much lower volume. “I think Frieza could make him so happy, so I’m gonna do everything I can to get them together for real!”

“That won’t be hard,” she snickered, “he denies it but my bestie is one hundred percent crushing on your bestie. So, I’m in!”

“You’re in?”

“I’m gonna help you. It’s in my own best interest anyway, I want Frieza to stick around on Earth after all, and if he settles down with Yamcha that gives him a pretty compelling reason to do so! Between the two of us we’ll have them in each other’s arms for realsies by the end of the night!”

End Chapter Thirteen: Are You Ready?

Author’s Note: Yet another chapter that was running waaaaay too long, and this was the only place I could organically cut it, which makes this section a little short by the standards of this fic and its overlong chapters. Whoops. The next chapter is maybe half drafted thanks to this but between how important it is my tendency to underestimate chapter lengths it's still gonna be a sec before it's up, so yeah, hopefully this tides you over.

So now we’ve got Puar and Launch working together to hook up Yamza? I’m sure that will go well… ha?

The poem they’re reading at the start is Sonnet 130, another famous one. I picked it because I figured Yamcha’d react stronger to a sorta funny one than a more straightforward one so it would make a more impactful chapter opening, but then I realized the common interpretation of it being about loving someone for who they are- flaws and all- rather than an idealized perfect version of themselves was PERFECT for these two. Sometimes I’m accidentally a genius.

Thanks so much for the continued support of this fic here and elsewhere, you have no idea how much it means to me <3

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Fourteen: I’m With You

Here they were… Bulma and Vegeta’s vow renewal. No more chances to back down…

Yamcha stowed his car in its capsule, stood up straight, and reminded himself that this was his chance to finally put that failed relationship behind him. Offering Frieza his hand, he nodded. “Let’s do this.” The alien accepted it- they were trying to make it obvious this was a date after all- and as their skin connected he felt that boost in their resonance. The extra strength was reassuring, which was odd as he shouldn’t need reassurance. It was just a social function. His enemies were present, but weren’t going to attempt anything, and even if they did he was confident he was strong enough to get the upper hand in an instant! But for some reason he couldn’t pinpoint, he still felt his pulse increase slightly as they walked in, together.

Unsurprisingly, the two of them were an attention getting set. Between the fact that no one other than the event’s hosts knew Frieza had even been invited, and the fact that he was making his grand entrance with Yamcha of all people-

“Yamcha, good to see you, buddy! Wasn’t sure if you’d show, considering- Whoa, uh, you two are here together, huh?” Krillin asked.

“Yep!” Yamcha replied. “It’s been a minute, Krillin, how’ve you been?”

“Oh, we’re good. But uh…” he gestured between the other two. “Let’s not ignore the bigger question here. You two. Seriously?”

Frieza narrowed his eyes and replied, “I fail to see the problem. What was your name again? I’ve met you several times but you always fail to leave an impression.”

18 was of course there with her husband, and glared. “He’s Krillin. K- r- i- l- l- i- n. It’s not that hard to remember. Anyway…” she gave her partner a light punch on the shoulder. “Pay up.”

“No way! I heard from Goku that these two are living together right now, that’s probably all this is. Yeah, totally platonic, I was freaking out for nothing!”

“What the heck are you two going on about?” Yamcha asked.

“Oh, well, a little while back we may have been chatting about you and your love life and had a disagreement as to whether you’d ever consider dating a man or not-“

“We made a wager,” 18 cut in, “and I won. If this was ‘platonic’ they wouldn’t be standing so close and holding hands. He’s bisexual. Pay up.”

“Uh, more like ‘bicurious’ than ‘bisexual,’” Yamcha laughed, blushing. “Hey wait just one second, you were making bets on my sexuality?! Not cool!”

“It was her idea,” Krillin muttered, digging his wallet out of his pocket and handing a stack of large bills to his amused wife.

“I’m not here to serve as your entertainment,” Frieza said icily to the other couple before smiling up at his ‘date.’ “Shall we make our way inside, dear Yamcha?”

“Y-yeah. See you two later!”

“Hey, Yamcha,” the android interjected, “can’t say I’ll ever forgive him for what he did to my husband, but… Frieza’s pretty high level. Good work.”

The villain chuckled at that, and Yamcha just blushed harder.

They’d barely gone three steps before they were stopped again. “I knew it!” Gohan was grinning ear to ear as he ran over, smacking Yamcha hard on the back. “I was right! You ARE in love with Frieza!”

“What?!” The emperor demanded.

“You’re overreacting again, Gohan, geez! It’s just a date!”

“Really now? Then why is your face so red?” Videl giggled as she caught up to her spouse. “Alright honey, I know when I’m beat. Guess I’m on diaper duty for Pan for the next month.”

“Wait, you two were making bets on my sexuality too?!”

The half Saiyan shook his head, his smile never fading, “nope, just on whether or not you two would get together. Videl thought you didn’t have the guts to pursue someone like Frieza, but I believed in you!”

“Thanks, I guess?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourselves,” Frieza replied irritably, “this is simply a first date to explore a mutual curiosity. We most certainly are not ‘getting together’ or anything of that sort.”

“The first of many, I’m sure!” Gohan said.

“We’ll have to see how tonight goes before we decide that-“

“They do look good together, don’t they?” Videl commented, and Gohan enthusiastically nodded. “Yamaha, you keep that guy out of trouble for us, okay? And hey, Piccolo and my dad were saying you’ve gotten way stronger lately- and from what I can feel now they weren’t exaggerating! Congrats on that, too!”

“I’ll try! And thanks, we should have a friendly sparring session sometime, maybe this old wolf can teach you a few new tricks!””

After saying goodbye to the other two, they continued toward the ceremony location. “Was he right? Are you in love with me?” Frieza asked teasingly.

“Of course not. Gohan accused me of that when I bought you your book, cuz apparently a guy can’t do something nice for someone without wanting to smooch him.”

“How typical for a Saiyan, not understanding nuance… although I suppose I can see how such a gesture could be considered incredibly romantic, under different circumstances of course.” To drive home a point, he tightened his grip on the taller man’s hand right to the threshold of being painful for a moment before relaxing it and saying, “I hope you aren’t planning on falling for me. We both know what tonight is for.”

“What do you take me for?! Geez! If anything, I should be the one warning you not to get too attached!”

By the time they’d reached the splendidly decorated courtyard garden where the ceremony was to be held they’d been stopped several more times. “Does everyone have an opinion on us? At least they’ve all been… somewhat positive,” Yamcha sighed.

Frieza ignored him, scanning the people already seated. He spotted Launch in the very front, but her hair was blue so he felt no real desire to greet her. Puar was right behind her, and he was a little surprised the shapeshifter hadn’t saved a seat for them (or at least for Yamcha).

“Between me being the ex and you being you we should probably stick with the back row, huh?” Yamcha took off his jacket and hung it over the back of his chair before sitting. “I bought that thing while I wasn’t really training outside of basic maintenance and it shows, way too tight on my arms…” he stretched, the movement of his muscles highlighted as the silky fabric of his dress shirt slid over them. He noticed his ‘date’ staring. “Hmm? Need something?”

Frieza quickly said, “‘vow renewals’ aren’t part of my culture, so I’m not sure what to expect from this farce. Enlighten me.”

“Uh, this is the first one I’ve been to, honestly, but I guess they’re gonna say their wedding vows again. I know when she was younger Bulma dreamed of the whole ‘white wedding’ thing with the party and the flowers and the dress, but when she married Vegeta it was fairly bare bones.”

“That seems in keeping, the prince was never one for pageantry.”

“I don’t think she even cared at that point, she was just sooooo happy to make her baby daddy official family,” he rolled his eyes, “but Vegeta’s softened a lot over the years. Hell, I wouldn’t even be surprised if this whole thing was his idea. A second chance to have her big party… just cuz he knew she’d like it. So I’m guessing that’s what tonight’s gonna be like, a sorta second wedding.”

“Were you a guest at their first?”

“Yep… Tien had to haul me out back so I wouldn’t object, heh. That guy’s a real bro, he showed up specifically to make sure I wouldn’t do anything I’d regret! Anyway, from the looks of things Bulma’s getting her second chance at the whole ‘princess day’ thing tonight, so I guess I’m happy for her.”

“Seems unnecessary.”

“You really don’t have a single romantic bone in your body, huh?”

“Of course not. Now, check out who just arrived.”

Beerus and Whis wandered in and took their seats. Noticing them, Beerus nodded and Whis gave a little wave. Yamcha waved back, and Frieza said quietly, “put your arm around my shoulders while they’re watching.” The human gave the slightest nod, and, making sure the divine beings’ eyes were still on them, he lowered his arm and let it drape around his roommate’s shoulders.

“Good thinking,” Yamcha whispered, watching the destroyer’s eyes widen and his angel laugh.

The band that had been playing finished their song with a long drawn out note, and the gathered people got the hint and finished their conversations as well. After a moment of quiet, they started a new song, its soft and sweet melody filling the air as the couple that were the focus of the evening made their entrance. Bulma was in an extravagant lace gown and Vegeta wore a tuxedo.

“She looks so beautiful,” Yamcha sighed quietly.

“She looks like she could trip at any second,” Frieza, also keeping his voice low, replied dryly. “Floor length dresses are the worst.”

“Yeah, you’d know after the other day. Why were you wearing that, anyway? It didn’t come from me or Goku.”

“Launch lent it to me since you continue to procrastinate doing my laundry.”

“Ah- oh my gawd.” Yamcha had to stop himself from laughing when the exact thing they’d just been talking about nearly happened- Bulma caught the hem of her skirt with her shoe and almost tripped. Vegeta caught her with his Saiyan speed and reflexes and carried her the rest of the way to the front- to any of the ‘normal’ people present it likely looked like an intentional, rehearsed moment, and he heard several ‘awwwws’ from around the audience as he and his ‘date’ snickered behind their hands.

Dr. Briefs, somehow managing to look completely disheveled even in formal wear, began speaking. “Thank you all for coming here today as we celebrate the enduring love between my daughter Bulma and her husband Vegeta…”

“The monkey looks so very uncomfortable,” Frieza leaned in and whispered. Yamcha pulled his eyes away from his ex and took a look- even at this distance Vegeta was visibly sweaty, and kept pulling at various parts of his outfit.

“I’m surprised he’s not in his armor, isn’t that Saiyan formal wear?” Yamcha whispered back. The alien shook his head.

“That sounds like a lie he’d come up with thinking he’d never be caught. Did he ever say such a thing? If so I’ll have to be sure to call him out on it.”

“He most certainly did,” his ‘date’ snickered. “Please do.”

After droning on for a few minutes more, Dr. Briefs said, “And now, before Bulma and Vegeta renew their vows, my eldest daughter, Tights, will do a reading of a classic poem on the topic of love and lasting devotion.”

Tights, dressed up and looking every bit as lovely as her sister, got up and looked down at a printed piece of paper for a moment before reading out, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely…”

“Seriously-“ Frieza’s annoyed commentary was cut off by Yamcha quickly covering his mouth with one hand, but he was having so much trouble not laughing that he wound up having to bury his face against the shorter man’s shoulder while pretending to hug him. Once they’d both calmed their reactions the emperor tensely muttered, “how dare they profane my favorite literary work like this. It doesn’t even come close to being relevant either, neither of those two have the sort of unending warmth and beauty it describes.”

“I know, I know, but you gotta keep your eyes on the prize, okay? Keep your cool and together, we’ve got this.” They met eyes again, and Yamcha had one of his most charismatic, warm smiles…

A summer’s day… Frieza looked away quickly, then mentally slapped himself for letting the sentimental atmosphere of the event get to him.

Launch and Puar had both casually glanced over their shoulders and smiled to themselves. The choice of material had been a last minute change- they’d swiped Tights’ intended reading and replaced it with Frieza’s favorite work. For most of the people present it was just another cute love poem, but they’d correctly assumed it would get a reaction from the emperor, one that would get him thinking about a certain human!

Back in the back row, the fake couple were snickering. “Don’t look now, but it seems Vegeta’s finally spotted us.”

“My goodness, he’s fuming. How amusing!”

The prince crossed his arms and glared at them both. Yamcha responded by leaning in close enough for his breath to tickle his ‘date’s’ ear and whispered, “look right at him and then pretend to hide a laugh like we’re making fun of him, it’ll bother him sooooo much.”

The villain did just that, and they saw Vegeta grimace, which lead to genuine (although of course as quiet as they could keep it) laughter. After a moment, Bulma, apparently still oblivious to the presence of her ex and her husband’s former employer, grabbed his chin and pulled his attention back to her. He almost instantly relaxed and refocused other than sporadic fidgeting with his formal wear.

“They’re… a good couple, aren’t they?” The human said as he watched, subconsciously tightening his arm slightly around his roommate’s shoulders.

“He’s an irritable and smelly monkey and she’s a loud overbearing fool with terrible taste in men. They deserve one another.”

“You’re not wrong…” Yamcha chuckled and looked back down at his companion, a hard to describe feeling building in his chest. “Hey. This is actually… surprisingly easy for me, and it’s all thanks to your support. I’ll always think she’s beautiful, and like it or not we’ve got a unique history that means we’re always gonna mean something to each other, but… I think I’m actually finally moving on from Bulma. So,” that warm smile was back, “thanks, Frieza.”

“Yes, yes,” the emperor waved his hand dismissively and fixed his eyes back on the ceremony, but wasn’t really watching. He didn’t understand why his cheeks were burning. It had to have been the saccharine nature of the event hitting him, or the simple fact that his companion looked so annoyingly handsome all dressed up like this, or even how this was the most prolonged semi-intimate physical contact he’d had with anyone in perhaps ever…

This doesn’t mean anything. he mentally repeated it to himself again and again like some sort of chant. Once he was a god he’d destroy this planet and everyone on it.

But maybe he’d ask Yamcha to join his forces first. Only because his strength could be useful, obviously.

As for the human, his mood was through the roof. It really felt like he’d finally let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d spent the last ten or more years holding.

He felt light. He felt free. He felt happy, and hopeful that maybe he really could find what he’d wanted for so long.

Frieza had been right, of course! Yamcha had been getting in his own way and sabotaging his every opportunity at romance, but now?

He looked at Bulma and instead of feeling choked by a thousand might-have-beens he just saw an old friend, nothing else. He then looked down at Frieza and that indescribable feeling was back. Something more than gratitude. To think, a man who’d once killed him had so rapidly turned into someone who he wanted to consider a friend.

He wouldn’t have been able to have this breakthrough without Frieza. This time they’d spent together, the new strength they brought out in each other, all the ridiculous adventures they’d had over the past weeks- it had given him a focus and source of excitement that had finally broke him out of a many year slump.

He’d needed this. He’d needed him. Even if he was rude and petty and self absorbed, the emperor was also smart, and both physically and mentally strong, and funny, and exciting, and wild… a bit like Bulma in a way, but somehow better suited for what he really needed in life? Where his ex had left him constantly uncertain, Frieza made him stronger and more confident. Everything a friend should be…

Yet they still weren’t actually friends. Eh. Best roommate, fighting buddy, and fake date ever, maybe? Well, one thing was for sure- Yamcha hadn’t realized just how touch starved he’d been of late until he started faking this closeness, but now he couldn’t get over how nice it felt to have an arm around someone. Especially someone as special as Frieza.

Once the ceremony concluded, the band started playing again, an upbeat and lively song this time, and a cocktail hour was announced for the guests while the couple took photos and the staff put away the ceremony seating and set up the tables for dinner. Dr. Briefs directed everyone to adjourn to the other side of the courtyard, where a bar had been set up and waiters were ready with trays of appetizers. As the emperor stood, he yawned. “Well, after that extended bit of treacle I am now thoroughly and completely bored. Shall we get a drink then say hello to the two beings that need to be completely clear on why we’re here tonight?”

“I like the way you think, Frieza!” It turned out this was unnecessary, as they were approached on their way to the bar.

“Frieza, Yamcha, I’m surprised to see you both here, considering your history with the happy couple,” Whis commented with a sly smile. “And from the looks of how close you two were sitting, this isn’t just an occasion of two associates who happened to be attending the same event, correct?”

They’d practiced for exactly this. “Indeed. Our time together had inspired Yamcha to explore his long suppressed curiosity, so when I, invited to this lovely occasion without a ‘plus one,’ decided to embrace my own interest in humans, he kindly agreed to attend as my date.” Frieza made sure to put a slight emphasis on that last word.

“Yep, it’s a total honor to be on a date with the strongest being in the mortal universe!”

“I see. And here I’d thought you’d been making a sad attempt to circumvent the dating task we’d assigned you by pretending to date each other just to get it all over with.” Beerus mirrored their slight overemphasis on the word, “I’m sure that was an overly hasty assumption on my part.” He crossed his arms and looked between the two for a moment as they both attempted to smile naturally even in the face of their exact plan being laid out, but the destroyer just shrugged. “Well, I’ll be looking forward to seeing you two end the night with a completely authentic ‘goodnight kiss’ then. Let’s go, Whis.”

Before following Beerus, Whis cheerfully said, “you two look absolutely perfect together tonight. Good luck! Ciao for now!”

The faux couple exchanged glances but didn’t dare say anything with Beerus and his very large ears still relatively near by. “Uh, anyway, the bar looks pretty crowded, no need for us both to stand around in line. You want wine right? I’ll grab drinks for us both.”

“I appreciate the service. You do remember my preferences?” Frieza asked, looking over a floral display and after some consideration pulling out a brightly colored flower with a long stem.

“Of course. I’ll find you in a minute, okay?”

“Perfect. As for me, I’m going to go say hello to my favorite…” Leaving his date’s side he made his way through the crowd, ignoring a few people who attempted to say something to him as he looked for his target.

Yamcha watched the shorter man’s back as he walked away. “Thank you,” he whispered, “You really are healing me.”

“Frieza’s coming!” Puar flew down from where he’d been hidden behind some decorations watching his roommates.

“Okay?” Brushing a few strands of her currently blue bangs back out of her eyes, Launch asked, “Um, Puar, I’m glad to help you but do you really think this is what will make Yamcha and everyone else happiest?”

“I’m positive!”

Brushing off a greeting from some stranger of no real importance, Frieza stopped in front of the woman. “Here. Sniff this.” He said briskly, shoving the flower in her face. She took a step back.

“I’m sure it’s lovely,” she nervously glanced around. “I see you’re here as Yamcha’s date tonight? What a cute couple you two seem to be.”

Ignoring her, as usual for this personality, he waved the flower in front of her nose. “I don’t have all day you know-“

“Wow, Launch, I just saw the hottest guy ever!” A woman with a clingy, low cut, and very short dress popped out of the crowd and excitedly grabbed the other woman’s hands, giggling in a high pitched voice.

“Really? Please tell me all about him. What did he look like?”

Frieza tilted his head. Launch’s response certainly sounded… forced. Oh well, he had no interest in entertaining this. “Forgive me, but as I have limited time I wished to speak with your more interesting half.”

“Huh? What do you mean- ack!” Frieza practically shoved the flower up her nose, triggering a loud sneeze. Blonde blinked, wiped her face with the back of her hand, took a look at her present company, and grinned, grabbing both of them by the shoulder and pulling them in close. “Hey, it’s my two bestest besties, Frieza and… Squeakers?”

“Yes! That is me! I am Launch’s close and trustworthy pal Squeakers!” The other woman quickly said before giggling again. “Anyway, Launch, I was just telling you about a super hot guy I saw all alone at this party!”

“Ooo, a super hot guy? Tell us about him! Don’t worry, Frieza’s hella gay and will totes wanna hear about him too!”

“Actually, I don’t really care, I’m here on a date, remember?”

The woman who supposedly went by ‘Squeakers’ shook her head, her long, light blue hair swinging back and forth. Come to think of it, she actually looked quite a lot like both Bulma and that girl Yamcha had been so preoccupied by at the beach- Maron or something like that? Not just in her hair, but her build, too. Ah, so this is what’s considered a good looking Earth woman? Frieza was proud of himself for figuring out this important cultural detail, but he still honestly didn’t care about whatever point she was trying to make. He already knew he was half of the most attractive couple present, so whatever man Squeakers was talking about couldn’t possibly be worth his interest-

“Noooo, you should care, because he’s just the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen!” She clapped her hands excitedly. “He’s tall, and soooo fit. He clearly works out all the time, even in a tux I can tell his muscles are huge!”

“Ooo, who doesn’t love tall muscular guys?” Launch nudged Frieza. “I know that’s what you’re into! So Squeakers, maybe it was my good looking friend Tien you saw? I didn’t think he was gonna show tonight but so far he fits the description. Was he bald?” There was something in the way she said it, almost like she was fishing for a contrary answer, which her supposed friend delivered.

“No way! He had this gorgeous hair! It was really long and stylish! And it looked really thick and soft. I wanted to run my fingers through it!”

“Well, I can’t imagine a guy that wouldn’t want a beautiful lady like you stroking his hair! Present company excluded of course, considering you’re bald and gay and all,” Launch quickly said to Frieza before encouraging the other woman to continue. “What was his face like?”

“Is this really necessary?” Frieza asked, but his friend held up a finger to silence him.

“Hey, you might have a date tonight but I don’t. I wanna hear more about the hottie, then we can chat!”

“So his face… wow!” The other woman giggled again- did she ever stop?- and explained, “he’s got these really cute dark eyes with a sort of mischievous glint to them, and incredibly handsome features!”

“Anything more distinctive you can describe?” Launch asked, again seeming like she was fishing for something specific.

“Well, he’s got some scars, but he wears them well, they look so badass and sexy!”

“Hmm, scars huh?” Launch asked, thoughtfully. “I know! Vegeta has combat scars all over his body, but he’s not exactly anyone’s idea of tall, and besides, he’s married- this is his vow renewal after all!”

“Of course, it wasn’t Vegeta! This man was sooooo much hotter! No one in their right mind would ever consider choosing Vegeta over this man! I wish I knew who he was!”

“Hey Frieza,” his bestie nudged him. “Any ideas? A guy that’s here tonight who’s tall, buff, has really nice long hair, great eyes, attractive scars, and most importantly is really, really sexy?”

“You’re kidding me,” the emperor deadpanned.

“Oooo, you know who he is? Tell me tell me!” Squeakers demanded, jumping up and down excitedly and clapping her hands- and of course giggling. Always giggling. It was really, really annoying.

“Yeah, who could it be? Don’t leave us hanging!”

“You’re blatantly describing Yamcha-“

“Yamcha? What a wonderful name! He sounds like a kind, reliable sweetheart who’d make a perfect husband!” The vapid woman exclaimed. “You’ve gotta introduce me to this fine specimen of a man immediately so I can work my feminine wiles on him!” She jumped up and down again, her large chest shaking. Chests like that seemed to be something that Yamcha considered attractive on Earthling women, but Frieza didn’t see the appeal. His own pectoral muscles were strong and firm and surely much nicer than her muscleless and floppy body! While he wasn’t sure why Launch was acting so oddly ignorant, he pushed that thought aside as he was too annoyed by the sudden competitive feeling that was making him clench his jaw.

“I am truly sorry to destroy your hopes and dreams, Ms. Squeakers, but Yamcha is here as my date,” he said, smiling politely while inwardly thinking about how easy it would be to tear her limbs off.

“Aww, really? So I don’t have a chance with the hottest man in the world?” She pouted. Launch shook her head.

“It’s cool, Squeaks! This is only their first date, so Yamcha’s probably gonna be back on the market by the end of the night.”

“What exactly is that supposed to mean?!” Frieza demanded.

“Well, it’s not likely you two are gonna be together long term even though this is totes a legit date and all,” Launch shrugged.

“Ooo, then introduce me and let me give him my phone number! Do you think he likes girls like me?” More of her incessant giggling filled the air as she batted her eyelashes.

“Of course he would, Yamcha’s straight and what straight guy wouldn’t love a perfect ten like you, Squeakers?”

It would take no effort at all to kill her- he could flick a finger and the resulting shockwave in the air could stop her feeble heart. If only those divine beings weren’t here… Instead, Frieza took a step closer and leaned in, his smile terrifying. “‘Straight’ is just a label, you know. Yamcha doesn’t care that I’m a man, he’s here, tonight, as my date. If you are a ‘ten’ then I’m a ten thousand, and why would another ten thousand like Yamcha ever lower himself from the emperor of the universe to some common, weak, giggling ninny like you? I’ll only say this once- if I see you anywhere near my partner for this evening, Lord Beerus himself couldn’t save you.” With the lightest tap of his index finger against her collarbone he sent her flying into the bushes, then turned to Launch, nodded, and added, “I just came over to let you know you look lovely this evening, my dear favorite. Now stop acting like an idiot for whatever reason and go help your annoying comrade before she starts crying.”

Launch watched the alien stomp off, then rushed over to ‘Squeakers,’ who was of course Puar and had just changed back. “Geez Puar, if you laid it on any thicker-“

“It worked, didn’t it? Frieza is the jealous type, and now I have him feeling possessive toward Yamcha! I bet he’ll stick by his side from here out just to be sure ‘I’ don’t come trying to make a move!” He shuddered and added, “It felt really gross talking about my best friend like that but it’s completely worth it if it helps him find his perfect partner!”

“It would have worked even without you giggling the entire time.”

“I thought I was acting cute?”

“You were acting obnoxious. Anyway, we can’t rest here. We’ve got the rest of our ideas to put into place…”

On the other side of the courtyard, Yamcha found a seat on a bench, took a drink of his beer and smiled at nothing in particular.

Here he was at Bulma’s vow renewal and he cared more about helping a villain reach his goals than the fact that he was celebrating his ex’s marriage. Being over her at last felt so, so, SO good.

His heart leapt when he saw Frieza return and he stood, holding out a glass of red wine. “Hey, Frieza, I got us a seat! …geez, you look pissed. All good? - whoa!”

The emperor used his tail to shove Yamcha back down onto the bench, sat next to him, and immediately leaned back against him, ignoring his stuttered questions for a moment in favor of taking the miraculously unspilled wine glass and having a long sip. As he did so, he lifted his tail back up to casually stroke the side of the human’s face and placed his free hand on the taller man’s upper thigh.

“Uh, uh… I-isn’t this level of PDA a b-bit m-mu-much?” He stammered, freezing up.

“Apparently,” Frieza finally explained, “we haven’t made it obvious enough that you are here as my date. I’m attempting to rectify that…”

“G-got it?” Yamcha pounded the rest of his beer and pulled himself together. This was Frieza… an incredibly special person, sure, but… not someone he was attracted to! Just someone he really, really, really liked to have around! “Geez, wouldn’t have guessed you’d go from ‘never been kissed’ to uh, p-practically groping me in public over the span of less than a month!” Good, he’d almost gotten the stuttering under control.

Frieza cast his eyes around for a moment and spotted Beerus and Whis on the far end of the lawn enjoying some of the appetizers. As long as those two were distracted with food they were safe to speak freely… “It’s all for the sake of my greater goals. Unlike you carnally motivated mammals, physical intimacy of any sort is hardly in my nature. Yet I shall endure. I will be a god, letting something as silly as this get in the way of that would be unthinkable.”

Yamcha set down his empty glass and took the alien’s hand, holding it in his own. It was a good visual for their whole fake date thing, but he mainly did it to get the smaller man’s fingers off his thigh- that had been a really, really distracting place to be touched. “Why’s all this god stuff matter to you so much anyway? You already are impossibly strong. At this point you really could afford to just… chill.”

“I’m a conquerer. To rule above all is in my very blood.” He paused to finish his wine and shoot a nasty glare at a random person who’d been staring at them, then continued, “there’s a big difference between myself and your silly little group of heroes. ‘Strength’ is not my end goal. ‘Strength’ is just a tool that can be used to gain ‘power.’ Someone like Son Goku stupidly chases strength for no reason other than to have it. Long ago, back on Namek, I offered him a position as my right hand and he refused this opportunity to use his strength to gain power. And now what does he do? Spend his days farming and training and protecting a minor low value planet? It’s pathetic. I, on the other hand, am smart enough to use my strength as the tool it is. All of space fears me, which makes so much of it so easy to control.”

“And that’s not enough power for you?”

“Of course not. Besides… I can’t stand the very notion that anyone could ever think I was ‘less’ than they were.” His fingers tightened around Yamcha’s. “Those condescending deities… returning me to life so casually, as though I wasn’t a threat? It sickens me.”

“Well, I for one am glad they did. Getting to know you has seriously changed my whole perspective on life.”

“You are an immeasurably odd man, Yamcha.” It was a shame he couldn’t afford to truly relax under the circumstances, as the human’s delightful body heat was rather comfortable as he stayed in this close pose. While he still didn’t understand why anyone could prioritize relationships over the more important things in life, maybe this was part of it? Having an excuse to share their warmth must be compelling for mammals as well? “And you, so desperate to find yourself a partner- why do you care so much about something you can’t get with your own work and thus must rely on some other fallible person for? Is it because you desire this sort of physical comfort?”

“Eh,” he shrugged, “I have everything I want that I could get on my own- great friends, an interesting life, some degree of financial success, my looks… but it all feels hollow without someone to share it with, you know?” He took a moment to make eye contact with Master Roshi, who’d been heading toward them, and shook his head. The old man got the hint and vanished back into the crowds.

“What about your pet rodent? He’s not enough?”

“Okay, seriously, why are you so rude about Puar? He’s the best, sweetest, most loyal pal I could ever have asked for!”

Frieza rolled his eyes. “To be quite honest, he reminds me of some of my tormentors from hell. Anyway, if you want someone to share your successes with, why not him?”

“Puar’s my best and oldest friend, he’s like a brother to me at this point. But it’s different. The ‘physical comfort’ as you put it that you can share with a lover is part of it-“

“So it all comes down to sex and the like, then? How typical.”

“No, that’s not it either,” Yamcha, without really thinking about it, began slowly rubbing his thumb against the edge of Frieza’s hand as he tried to find the right way to explain what he meant. “Growing up, I always dreamed of getting married. I wasn’t- well, I guess I’m still not- great with women, but I still constantly thought about how amazing it would be. I knew I’d make a good husband to the right lady!”

“I think I understand now. You want a companion that you can be physical with and have a big party like this to celebrate that? Seems like a rather simple ambition for a man like yourself who has the necessary strength and skills to pursue far greater goals.”

“Nah, you still aren’t getting me. The older I got I realized it wasn’t about ‘being married’ so much as about having that perfect partner- someone who will be in your corner through thick and thin, someone who challenges and completes you at the same time, someone who has the looks and personality to always provoke a reaction in you. Someone…” he sighed, and smiled a little sadly. “Someone I could give all this love I’ve been desperate to share to.”

“I regret asking now that you’re getting so sentimental,” Frieza chuckled, then at last moved off of Yamcha so that he could look him in the eye and said with a smirk, “so you think you’d make a good husband, hmm? Incidentally there was a woman here earlier saying the same thing. I think she was your type.” He waited for the human to beg him to point her out so that he could refuse just to mess with him, but the taller man shook his head.

“She’ll have to wait for next time. Tonight, I’m yours.”

“Well then. Lucky me?” Frieza replied after a moment. “It looks as though they’ve nearly finished setting up for the meal.” He changed the topic and stood up.

“You’re right, and I’m glad, cuz I’m seriously starved. Wanna grab one more drink from the bar before we do?”

They headed in that direction, hand in hand.

End Chapter Fourteen: I’m With You

Author’s Note: I can’t believe I thought I could make this all work as one chapter. The next is the final portion of the vow renewal and is drafted and just needs editing, but this worked as a cut off point so I’m putting it up as is to make reading easier, and because this is taking a while. Sorry, the real world is kinda drowning me right now and I also am working on a one shot fic for a friend’s birthday simultaneous with this one. So yeah I’m slow right now, sorry.

Apparently ’Squeakers’ is Puar’s name in one of the alternate dubs, hence using it for his constantly giggling human disguise. What other plans do he and Launch have to get Yamza together? You’ll just have to see. But yes! Yamcha’s finally moved on from Bulma with Frieza’s help! But Vegeta didn’t exactly seem thrilled to notice his former boss actually showed. Next chapter is a majorly important one, hope you kind people stay patient with me.

Chapter Text

Take A Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Fifteen: For One Crowded Hour You Were The Only One in the Room

Holding one another’s hand, fake couple headed toward the bar hoping for one last drink before getting seated for dinner. So far Vegeta and Bulma’s event had gone somewhat smoothly-

“OH MY GAWD!”

“Bulma…” Yamcha flinched. “I hope she’s okay with us, if I make her flip out at her own vow renewal I’ll feel like the biggest jerk-“

The woman in question was rushing over, holding up the hem of her gown so she wouldn’t trip (this time at least- it seemed she’d learned her lesson from her prior near-tumble). Launch and Puar were right behind her, the blonde carrying two glasses of champagne. “I can’t believe it, I thought Launch was joking but you two totally came together? As a COUPLE?! Wait, I get it!” She leaned in and whispered very loudly, “This is a set up to get Frieza’s ‘date’ out of the way, right? Clever, clever!” She giggled.

“Nope, this is a very real date!” Yamcha quickly replied. “You know me, I just can’t resist you high maintenance troublemaking temperamental types!” Both his ex and Frieza gave him near identical glares at that, and he held up his hands, laughing, “it was just a joke!”

“Jokes aside, I did legitimately ask him to accompany me this evening,” Frieza said.

Bulma took one of the glasses Launch had been holding and drank half of it in one gulp, then belched as politely as she could behind her hand. “Vegeta’s gonna lose it if he sees you two, but I for one… well…” an odd smile lit her face as looked pointedly over them both.

“He already has, during the ceremony.”

“Oh! I guess that’s why he was randomly seething at that one point!” Bulma had a good laugh, spilling a little of her champagne.

“Don’t you think you should warn Frieza?” Launch asked. “You know, about what you told me from your time as Yamcha’s girlfriend?”

“Warn him?! ‘Scuse me?!” Her ex demanded.

“Warn me of what exactly?” Frieza asked at the same time.

“Well, I supooooose it IS fair,” Bulma snickered. “So Frieza, if this date goes well and you go home with Yamcha tonight-“

“I always go home with him, I live with him, don’t you remember?” Frieza replied, taking a step back and twitching his tail irritably.

“No, I mean, ‘go home with him,’ you know?”

“Frieza’s not from here, you gotta spell it out, he hasn’t mastered Earth slang yet,” Launch interjected. “Just say ‘if you sleep with Yamcha-‘“

“W-what?!” The human man shouted, accidentally grabbing the attention of several other guests. Bulma ignored him and leaned toward Frieza.

“What I’m trying to say is, Yamcha is intense in bed. This man can and will go all night-“

“Alright, that’s enough!” Yamcha quickly interjected, his face burning, but Bulma shook her head.

“He has the right to know what he’s getting into!” She advanced on the alien and continued, “So the man’s recovery time is like, instant, so as soon as he’s satisfied he’s ready to go again. But, because he’s so caring he makes sure his lover is able to finish as many times as he is-“

“BULMA, PLEASE! No one needs to hear this!” She was speaking so loudly about such an intimate topic that it seemed like half the yard could hear.

“Frieza does so he can make an informed choice! So getting in bed with Yamcha basically means you’re gonna spend the entire night having more intensely powerful orgas-“

“BULMA!”

She smacked her ex on the chest and continued addressing his fake date. “Anyway, it was way too much for a normal human like me, between the sleep I lost from our nights of uninhibited passion and the days where I could barely even sit up afterwards. Well… it’s a good thing you’re a super-powered alien, you might actually be the one person alive who could possibly be able to keep up with him!” She winked.

“Ah. Well.” Frieza covered his face with his free hand. “Such… crude commentary is hardly necessary.”

“I just want to prepare you! This is for your own benefit!”

Several members of the crowd of snickering onlookers were shoved aside as Vegeta made his entrance. His expression made it more than clear he’d heard what his wife had been saying about her ex, and with a frankly terrifying glare at the fake couple he grabbed Bulma’s hand and marched her off. Puar and Launch exchanged a glance and then burst into laughter.

“Uh, okay, noting to see here, everyone!” Yamcha snatched up Frieza’s hand again and rushed away from the bar- and Vegeta and Bulma- in favor of going toward the tables, quickly shouting over his shoulder, “anyways congrats on the vow renewal and all!”

“I’m going to try and forget I heard all of that,” his ‘date’ said once they’d gained some distance.

“Sorry, I’m pretty sure she’s had a bit more of the champagne than she should have this early in the night,” Yamcha sighed before brightening up and elbowing Frieza. “Buuuuut… can’t say she was lying-“

“I have no interest in hearing about it!” The alien snarled, but it was all he could think about as they checked their table assignment and headed toward their seats.

He was so distracted he nearly missed a almost comically large tree branch that seemed out of place on the well manicured lawn, but at the last second he kicked it aside without really thinking- it wound up right under Yamcha’s feet, and the taller man tripped. Right before he ate dirt he was saved by Frieza’s tail around his waist pulling him roughly back to his feet. “Thanks.”

“I only did it because I can’t stand the idea of being seen with a ‘date’ that’s covered in dirt and grass stains.”

“Well thanks still, whatever the reason. Now, to make sure no one else trips-“ Yamcha picked up the branch and flung it. Between being a baseball pro and ridiculously overpowered it was out of their sight in a split second. Only one person had been watching it, so she was the only person to notice the branch change back into a small critter just before it vanished over the courtyard walls.

Launch sighed. “I warned Puar that was a dumb idea, but he was just soooooo sure they’d trip and fall into each other’s arms like something from a romcom… Hopefully he doesn’t land anywhere painful.” She quietly left the venue in the direction he’d been tossed to see if she could find him.

“They put us pretty much all the way in the back. Guess they wanted to keep you far away from Vegeta.” Yamcha commented, pulling out Frieza’s chair for him first before taking his own seat. Once again he immediately shed his jacket and put it on the seat back, then rolled up his shirt sleeves.

“You really don’t like getting dressed up, do you?” Frieza chuckled.

“Is it that obvious?” He stretched, then looked at the empty chairs across from them. “Wonder who they have us sitting with?”

The alien, already distracted by what Bulma had said and then furthermore by the way his ‘date’s’ current outfit configuration just magnified his unique brand of attractiveness, quickly stood back up. “Since we’re still waiting, I’m going to see if I can procure another drink.”

Left alone, Yamcha leaned back in his chair and stared up at the evening stars. The dramatic sunset had given way to a beautiful evening, and the bright full moon was low above the skyline. He still couldn’t believe it- he’d moved on! For the first time in who knows how long he really felt truly, uninhibitedly happy… and it was all thanks to Frieza. He hoped the villain would be back quickly-

“Well! If it isn’t my old pal Yamcha!” Oh, he knew that voice. He stood up and accepted an enthusiastic handshake.

“Hey, Mr. Satan. Gorgeous party, huh?”

“Oh come now, I’ve told you before, you can just call me Mark! After all, we’re pals! You know, I’d wondered why they put a VIP like me all the way at the back like this, but then when I saw I’d been seated with you it all made sense! Obviously, they have to keep us a little hidden, else the world combat sports champion sitting with a baseball legend would draw too much attention and distract from the lead couple!”

Yamcha sighed. He actually really did like this guy under the right circumstances, but he was in no mood for his ego when he wanted to be able to concentrate on Frieza! “I don’t think that was-“

“Say, have you given any further thought to my offer?” Mr. Satan sat down and Yamcha did the same. “Just think, we’re both World Tournament veterans, and unstoppable in our respective fields. A friendly little exhibition match between the two of us would be a massive draw! Imagine the pay-per-view revenue!”

“I’m really not interested-“

“Hey, it’s okay, I get it,” he leaned in and lowered his voice to a stage whisper. “It’s only natural you’d be a bit scared to fight me. After all, I know you’ve never made it past the first round of the finals in the World Tournament, whereas I’m, well, the champ. And I saw what happened to you with those freaky mini-Cells at the Cell games. But just like how your crazy strong alien friends have let me keep my reputation. I’ll make sure to pay it forward and let you keep yours! Besides, we have to give the people a show! I’ll let you get plenty of good hits in and even have the upper hand for a bit before my victory! So what do you say? We could schedule it for next month-“

“How about this?” Yamcha gave his fellow human his friendliest smile. He didn’t mind humoring this guy to some extent- he appreciated how his attention grabbing allowed his friends to live somewhat normal lives, after all- but his insistence on this was starting to get annoying. “We’ll arm wrestle for it. You win, I’ll fight you, whenever you want. I win, you’ll stop asking. Cool?”

“Ha ha ha! I like it! Let’s go!” A moment of extremely brief and one sided competition later the champ’s jaw was practically on the floor. “Y-yamcha, you never told me you were a Saiyan too!”

“Not a Saiyan,” he laughed, “just a human who’s put in a lot of hard work!” He felt first the presence of his ‘date,’ then saw his hand reach over his shoulder to set another beer in front of him. “That for me? It always surprises me when you’re thoughtful, Frieza!”

“Don’t expect it to become a frequent occurrence,” the emperor replied, taking his seat with his glass of wine.

“Whoa, wait, that’s Frieza?! The scary guy that helped save the Earth?!”

The emperor ignored him and addressed his roommate. “That game a moment ago. It was a contest of strength, was it not?”

“Arm wrestling? Yeah, more or less…” smirking, he held out his arm. “What, wanna challenge the victor?”

“Indeed I do. I will win of course, but I am curious as to how your current abilities compare against mine.”

“Are you so sure about that?”

“What could possibly give you the fantasy that you have a chance, hmm?” The villain smirked back.

“I’ve been able to restrain you in a bear hug even when you’re Golden, that’s what.”

“That is only because you had better leverage!”

“The same concept is important in arm wrestling, my dear, sweet, adorable Frieza.”

“Wait, you two are here as a couple?!” Mr. Satan was once again slack jawed, but the other two didn’t even notice him as they focused on each other.

“Oho ho ho, I was already planning on completely humiliating you, but now that you’re adding sarcasm to the mix I have no more reason to hold anything back. Don’t blame me if this ends with a broken wrist!”

The two men clasped hands and got started. The moment their skin touched Yamcha’s aura flared up and began to sparkle- but he wasn’t the only one taking advantage of their unique resonance. Frieza could feel his own energy increase. He was surprised when the human immediately shifted their hands a few inches toward his side- he quickly stiffened his arm to avoid an instant defeat.

“Lemme guess, you wanna go Golden so you can trounce me as dramatically as possible but you still haven’t mastered not burning your clothes off when you power up? Heh, guess you’re stuck without your full strength!”

“I don’t need it to defeat the likes of you!” Frieza growled in reply. “I’m hardly even making an effort at this point, yet you’ve already began to sweat.” It was true- even with all his newfound abilities there was still a gap between the two of them, and the alien had planned to hold still until the human wore himself out just to stress that point. That plan fell apart when he looked up from their clasped hands and met Yamcha’s eyes. The man met his gaze… and winked.

The was a loud thud as his arm hit the table. “Ha! Gotcha! Guess it’s about time you show your ‘date’ a little more respect!” Yamcha leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, but the emperor grabbed his hand and yanked him back to the table.

“Best two out of three,” he demanded.

“If you’re so excited for me to beat you again then sure, I’m down!” Once again they positioned their arms and clasped hands. Frieza smiled to himself. If his roommate was going to play dirty, well… he forgot who he was up against. Under the table, his tail slipped around the human’s leg- his face went red, his arm went slack, and the alien slammed it to the table so hard that had Mr. Satan not quickly grabbed the other edge of it it would have flipped.

“N-no tail! That’s cheating!”

“Is it? Then I suppose that rule should have been explained prior to this little contest. As it wasn’t, I think that win should count. Don’t you agree?” He aimed the last question at their third wheel, who just nodded nervously.

“Ugh, whatever. This next one decides it all then. Get your arm back up!” Once they were back in skin contact, Yamcha closed his eyes. “Give me a couple seconds to be ready, okay?”

“You’ll need far more than that to catch up with me, but alright, I’ll humor you.” Frieza watched the taller man take a few carefully timed breaths, and his aura glowed brighter. Between the loud sound when their arms hit the table top on the prior rounds and this, they were rapidly attracting an audience. Neither of them noticed. If Yamcha was going to really go all in on this, perhaps his original plan to stall him out was no longer the best idea. “Okay… I’m ready. Let’s go!”

Their hands tightened and muscles strained as they glared into each other’s eyes. “You’ve gotten annoyingly strong… but I’m still the strongest!” With a loud shout he used one hundred percent of his current form’s power to crash the human’s arm downward, destroying the table. “Ha!”

“Geez, guess I lost, ouch…” Yamcha rubbed his hand and grinned at Frieza. “I’ve came a long way but you’re still just… so incredible! Not to sound like a Saiyan or anything but uh, wow, we need to fight for real like, immediately.”

“I concur,” Frieza smiled back. “As irritating as your consistently advancing skill is, it’s exciting in it’s way- oh.” The two men finally tore their eyes away from each other and realized they’d made a huge mess- not only had they destroyed the table and spilled their drinks, but caused a shockwave that had knocked over the spectators as well as several nearby tables- and the tray of food being carried back to the table by Buu.

“My… my snacks!”

Mr. Satan shot the couple a death glare. “Now you two have done it!” He rushed over to try and calm his friend down, but it wasn’t working-

Across the yard, Beerus sighed. “Whis. I think we need a do over. I’m not having another opportunity to enjoy a party with delicious Earth food be ruined by the gluttony of Majin Buu!”

“You realize reversing time isn’t some petty parlor trick that I can just toss around like nothing, don’t you?” Whis scolded, then shrugged. “But… you’re right. Just this once. We’ll go back ninety seconds, of course-“

Yamcha and Frieza had their arms back on the once again intact table. “Give me a couple seconds to be ready, okay?”

“You’ll need far more than that to catch up with me, but- ack!”

“You idiots!” Beerus smacked them both on the back of the head. “Gentlemen don’t put their elbows on the table! Save your idiotic game for a less classy get together!”

“Sorry, Lord Beerus!” Yamcha laughed. As the destroyer returned to his table, the faux couple glared at each other.

“As soon as we get home, we settle this.”

“Agreed.”

Between drinks of his beer, the human laughed, “for a game, that arm wrestling really got your competitive spirit going!” The villain rolled his eyes and sipped his wine.

“And my tail had it’s usual effect on you-“

“Shut it.”

Buu set a large tray of finger food on the table and wiggled into his much too small seat. “Look Satan! Buu asked really nicely and they let me have this!”

It was clearly one of the left over trays of passed appetizers from the pre dinner cocktail hour, and Yamcha had a feeling ‘asked nicely’ actually meant, ‘demanded stubbornly,’ but didn’t say anything.

“Good work, Buu!”

This caught Frieza’s attention. “Buu? That… rotund thing couldn’t possibly be the Majin Buu, could he?”

“The one and only,” Yamcha nodded, then was surprised when smaller man began to laugh.

“Here I am, at a party hosted and attended by Super Saiyans, doing a task to win the favor of Lord Beerus, and sitting across from Majin Buu! My papa must be rolling in his grave!”

“Huh?”

“The only three things he feared… well, I suppose there’s one more, and that’s at this party, too.”

“Heh, what’s his fourth fear then?”

“His favorite son actually dating someone.”

Yamcha had to laugh at that. “Aww, no one is good enough for daddy’s little boy, huh? That’s precious!”

Frieza shrugged. “Nothing ‘precious’ about it. I was selected as heir to the family business, as such it was drilled into my head from a very young age that ‘dating’ had no place in the life of one as destined for greatness as myself. Either I should stay single to maintain my focus on keeping the universe under my fist, or I should marry someone with great resources for our empire to exploit. Either being a logic driven decision, of course.”

“Well, that sure as heck explains a lot. No wonder you’d never bothered with dating until all of this happened… But didn’t you ever get the urge to rebel against your father and… ask Ginyu out for ice cream or something?”

“I’d imagine everyone engages in some sort of rebellion against their parent at some point, and I suppose I’m no exception,” the alien smirked. “While I agree with the letter of what he taught me, my interest in poetry and literature was how I pushed back against the spirit of it. Neither my papa nor my brother ever understood my love of Shakespeare.”

“That’s a pretty tame rebellion. I guess you were a good son-“

“Oh, I was an excellent and most dutiful son. I took every lesson my father shared with me to heart. That’s why when I was revived with the power of the Dragon Balls and my army’s most advanced healing tanks I very specifically told my staff not to do the same for him.”

“How is that being a good son?! I mean, he deserves to stay dead but still!”

“It was a cruel but necessary decision made to ensure I could hold absolute power, just as he taught me. If he’s watching me from hell then I am sure he’s exceedingly proud.”

“Damn Frieza, you’re one seriously cold guy! But,” Yamcha playfully slapped his arm, “I think I’ve seen you melt a bit in our time together.”

“Perish the thought.”

- - -

Dinner was unsurprisingly amazing- Bulma had spared no expense for the catering, and each course of the meal impressed with its beautiful presentation and rich flavors. Yamcha would probably have enjoyed it more if he wasn’t forced to focus most of his energies on teaming up with Mr. Satan in the task of keeping their two extremely volatile dining companions from getting at each other’s throats. After the first few times he got the distinct impression that Frieza was deriving quite a bit of entertainment from watching the two humans scramble.

“You think Buu ugly?!”

“Of course I do, you bloated pink monstrosity.”

“He said ‘lovely,’ not ‘ugly!’ He was complimenting you! Now look at that, they’re about to bring out the dessert!”

“I most certainly did not call him lovel-“

“Come on, Frieza, remember why we’re here,” Yamcha whispered after kicking him under the table.

His ‘date’ kicked him back. They’d been doing a lot of this- the human would be surprised if there weren’t bruises on his calves by the end of the night. Still, despite it all his fantastic mood and intense gratitude toward Frieza remained.

The only thing that occasionally broke his smile was the creeping knowledge that this strange adventure they were sharing would have to end at some point, and likely soon. The very plan he was trying so hard to help the alien with would end in one of two ways- either he succeeded, and left to become a god, or he failed, and returned to space… and to being their enemy.

Every time that thought returned to his mind pushed it back out. He felt like he owed Frieza everything right now. He couldn’t sabotage his dream just to selfishly keep the man around and on his side a little longer.

The emperor returned his eyes to the meal as he let his mind wander. One of the catering staff had brought over a cart with an assortment of desserts as well as coffee- he requested the tiramisu and an espresso. He never thought he’d actually find things he enjoyed as he trudged through his time on Earth, but some of the food was rather special.

Some of the people, too. He glanced over at Launch, many tables away and sitting with Puar on her shoulder. Those two had been awfully close all night for whatever reason.

And then, there was also Yamcha. He wasn’t always completely annoying. Sometimes he could be… downright charming. But there was something he was struggling to put his finger on in regards to his slowly changing opinion of the taller man. It wasn’t respect toward someone who shared some of his views, like he felt for Launch. His ‘date’ still infuriated him and frustrated him in strange ways that made the emperor refuse to consider him a ‘friend,’ yet made him impossible to get out of his head.

Whatever it was, it made him glad Yamcha was his companion for this silly fake date.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and pulled it out, ignoring Goku (he’d came over to chat a moment prior, mouth half full of cake the whole time) in favor of checking it. A text from an unknown number- his eyes went wide and he slammed his phone face down on the table… until it vibrated again. “Excuse me for a moment.” He rushed out of the courtyard.

Launch and Puar were watching out of the corner of their eyes, and as soon as the emperor was out of view they gave each other high fives. “I knew those photos would get his attention!” She grinned. “Between all the ones you’ve taken over the years, and my secret stash here-“ she tossed a phone in the air and caught it to emphasize her point- “we’ve got plenty more ammunition! Oh, would you look at that, he replied to me, let’s see…” she snickered. “He wants to know who this is and why we’re sending him suggestive Yamcha pics. Like hell I’m gonna answer that!”

“Wait, shouldn’t your number be saved in his phone? Why doesn’t he know you’re the sender?” Puar asked.

“I swiped Tien’s phone for this little project and am sending them from there,” she tossed it in the air again, and her friend finally noticed that this was an older phone in a beat up case rather than her current flagship model. “What, you think I’m the one with years worth of pics of your bestie saved on my phone? And don’t worry, I’ll return it to him when this is all over with.”

“Who wouldn’t want to have photos of Yamcha though? He’s the best!”

“Geez, what is it about that guy that gets you n’ Tien n’ Frieza so obsessed with him? He’s a sweetheart and a total babe but y’all take this way out of proportion. Guess it’s the scars or the hair or something.” Blonde shook her head, then shrugged. “Oh well. Now, send me those beach pictures and I’ll dig out some more sweaty shirtless post training pics of him and I’ll bombard Frieza with them from Tien’s number. Then we’ll move on to phase ‘B’ of the plan.”

Just outside, Frieza leaned against the wall, eyes rapidly darting between his phone and the area around him, making sure no one could see his screen. He typed and sent another reply. Is this a joke of some sort? I demand answers! Another message came in, but instead of a response it was another set of photos- Yamcha laying on a towel in just a speedo, Yamcha combing out his wet hair, Yamcha rubbing sunscreen on his muscular arms…

He knew the human himself wasn’t sending these- he’d been absorbed in his conversation, both hands visible at his sides, when the first messages came in. So who, and why?

…they were nice photos. It would be a waste not to save them. It wasn’t a perverse thing, it was simply like admiring a piece of art. At least that’s what Frieza told himself as he did so.

In the courtyard, Yamcha watched his ‘date’ run off and had planned to follow him, but Jaco blocked his way. “Wait one minute! Now that he’s stepped away I can speak freely- are you completely out of your mind?! Helping the most destructive criminal in the galaxy get even more powerful?!”

“It’ll be fine! Once he’s a god he’ll be out of the Galactic Patrol’s hair anyway, and even the destroyers have rules to follow- one sec, someone’s blowing up my phone-“ He pulled the device out with the intent to take a quick glance then put it on do not disturb, but the messages were all from a number he didn’t recognize. “That’s weird- oh. OH. I uh, gotta go to the bathroom!” He rushed past the protesting Jaco and into the main building, colliding with Vegeta in the process.

“Damn it Yamcha, stay out of my way!”

“Sorry about that!” He dodged into a guest room and slammed the door shut.

Launch and Puar had been watching of course and slapped another high five as the other half of the potential couple rushed out, phone in hand. “The great thing about Frieza is he’s so self absorbed and vain that he didn’t even question why I was taking all those pics of him- in his mind, who wouldn’t want to look at him? Might be a ‘space celeb’ thing, too. Of course, I can be hella stealthy so even if he had a problem with it I could have still got the shots… I’ve got a blackmail folder for everyone I know, he he.”

“E-even me?!” Puar squeaked.

“You better believe it,” Launch grinned. “But my photos of Frieza aren’t too bad cuz I respect him too much to wanna cause him trouble. They are suggestive though… to the right person.”

Inside, the ‘right person’ in question scrolled past at least ten photos of close ups on various parts of his ‘date’s’ body- primarily his lips, and, “…that tail?” He whispered, before forcing himself to delete the thread. “Come on, man, it’s weird to look at photos like that of a friend…” he put his phone back in his pocket. “Is this some sort of prank he’s pulling on me or something? He’s a genius, he could figure out how to spoof a number I bet… Maybe that’s why he ran off? To make fun of my supposed tail fetish?”

He tried to force himself to stop thinking about the images and return to the party. He could see the emperor making his own way back to his seat, and felt his phone vibrate several more times. A quick, discreet peek showed more of the same, but Frieza’s hands were empty. So he wasn’t sending them?

The two sat back down at about the same time. “H-hey.”

“Hello…”

They both had an incredibly difficult time getting what they’d just seen out of their minds. Across from them, Mr. Satan laughed. “Aww, look at you two lovebirds! Blushing like that! I gotta say, it really caught me off guard to find out you two were a couple now but you do seem to have the chemistry-“

“Not a couple. This is our first date,” Frieza corrected him. He made a point at looking at the person he was speaking to as it was an excuse to not look at Yamcha, but unfortunately the champ took that as an invitation to talk about his favorite subject.

“Say, Frieza, since you aren’t from here you probably are the only person on this planet who doesn’t know all about me, so let me fill you in on all the essential details!”

Launch finished deleting the provocative photos of her best friend, did the same with the text thread, blocked Yamcha’s number, then casually slipped the phone back into the pocket of the head of the catering staff. “There, he never even noticed I borrowed it, and now those two can’t stop thinking about how bad they want each other. It’s perfect!”

“You’re a genius! I just hope neither of those two says anything and messes all our plans up…” Puar glanced across the table at Roshi and Oolong, who they had been seated with for dinner. They were both looking discretely at something Roshi had been holding just under the table.

“Nah, they’ve been looking at that dirty magazine this whole time. I don’t think they heard any of it. Trust me, our plan is foolproof.”

- - -

After the meal, there were speeches. Frieza avoided boredom by providing a whispered commentary to Yamcha. “Oh, she wasn’t lying, they’re perfect for each other- a perfect set of pains in the ass!” Thankfully they wrapped up quickly, then the bar reopened, lawn games were brought out, and a dance floor set up.

“I’m not dancing with you. You’ll trip on my tail.”

“I wasn’t planning on asking,” Yamcha lied. Probably for the best, he knew he wasn’t great at it, but it had sounded kinda fun. “Maybe instead- oh crap. I’d been hoping he’d just continue to avoid us.”

“If only we could be so lucky,” Frieza glared at Vegeta. The Saiyan was headed straight toward them and looked pissed off, as usual. Bulma was right behind him, pulling on his arm, but of course she couldn’t stop him.

“Please, Frieza, we’re so close to making your dream come true. Don’t let Vegeta rile you up now!”

“Don’t worry. I know how to handle myself. It’s not at all my fault that he is unable to say the same.” The emperor stepped forward and spoke up. “Well, prince, congratulations on your renewal of vows, and thank you for so graciously inviting me to this lovely occasion.”

His ‘date’ was relieved. Yes, sarcasm dripped from the shorter man’s voice, but his words were polite at least. Maybe they’d be okay.

“You weren’t supposed to actually believe I meant it when I invited you!”

“Come on, Vegeta, despite your childish intentions he IS a guest here, and you promised you wouldn’t start trouble, now let’s go!” Bulma pulled on his arm again but he stood firm.

“And you, Yamcha, is this some sort of poorly thought out attempt at getting back at me because your ex girlfriend became my wife? I know you have to get Frieza through a date to get him off your hands but for the two of you to show up together tonight was clearly an attempt to sabotage-“

“Again, Vegeta, you agreed that if they had the guts to show up Frieza and his date could stay as long as they didn’t start trouble! What’s gotten into you all of a sudden?” She let go of his arm and put her hands on her hips.

“Right, I agreed to it. But the main event is now over, I don’t want them continuing to be an eyesore and a nuisance at your party!”

“Your wife said it herself, Frieza and I, we have every right to be here-“ he felt the cool skin of his date’s hand take his own.

“It’s alright, Yamcha. It’s been a lovely evening, but it seems our night has came to an end prematurely. Shall we take our leave?”

“You’re sure this is okay?” The human lowered his voice. “You’re the one with more at stake here. I already got what I came for tonight.”

“If this ‘date’ didn’t count then we’ll just have to go on another one, won’t we?” He turned his attention back to the event’s hosts and raised his voice to a normal speaking level. “If that’s the case, then we’ll be going. I was getting a bit light headed from spending several consecutive hours with the smell of monkey prince in my nose anyway, clean air will do us both some good.”

Bulma shook her head. “Okay, that was rude enough that you can punch him once and I won’t get mad as long as we can dance afterwards, got it, Vegeta?”

He finally stopped glaring and stood up straight. “That suits me just fine!”

“Hey, not cool!” Yamcha protested. His ex held up a hand.

“You two can punch him once, too. You’re here because of his dumb idea after all. Then maybe we can get past all this posturing and get back to the main point of all this, right Vegeta?”

“Well, if we have the hostess’s approval we’d be terrible guests to not take her up on it. One punch, hmm? Yamcha, let’s make it count.”

“If you’re sure…” Yamcha scanned the crowd and quickly spotted Beerus and Whis- they were far off on the other side of the yard and seemed not to pay them any attention. “Let’s do this!”

“Ha! You won’t be alone in making sure this one hit is worthwhile!” Vegeta sneered, then powered all the way up.

“That blue hair clashes terribly with your jacket you know,” his former boss said dryly.

“Ugh! Stop talking, I’m tired of that voice of yours. Let’s do this!” Vegeta demanded.

“Hey, Frieza…” Yamcha squeezed his hand and spoke quietly. “We’re stronger together. Let’s do this, the two of us. Make ‘im regret deciding to pick a fight!”

“Considering the circumstances, I can’t use my own full strength without risking my clothing, and I can see the deities using me ending the night in tatters as an excuse… So we’ll do this your way.” They smiled at each other, then turned to their opponent. “Ready?”

“Ready.”

“Now!”

The resonance was, of course, strongest when they were in physical contact. Tightly gripping one another’s hand, they each struck at the same time with their free one- Vegeta tried to block, but never could have expected them to be this fast. No one could, really. One moment the Saiyan was in front of them, the next he’d gone flying out of view before even the warriors present could see him leave the ground.

The couple responsible stared at each other for a moment. “Oh… my gawd.” Yamcha couldn’t help it, after a moment he burst out laughing. “We’re amazing!”

“Truly!”

Bulma snickered. “He kinda may have deserved that. I’m gonna go grab Goku so he can find him and bring him back. You two should probably not be here when my dear husband returns though.”

“Yeah… Later, Bulma! Congrats and thanks for having us here! Let’s go, Frieza!” He ran toward the exit, feeling light. They took down Vegeta in his most powerful form together?! This was incredible. His ‘date’ was incredible. Being with him was incredible. Everything about Frieza was incredible.

The emperor ran along side him, their fingers still twined together. Once they were outside Capsule Corp he pulled Yamcha to a stop at the main gate. “You impressed me. Your strength seems near as limitless as my own!”

“You impressed me too! You were completely in control while Vegeta was freaking out, even though it could have jeopardized our plan!”

“Oh, I’m fairly confident tonight counted as a ‘date.’ We did our parts, it’s hardly on us if the host of this gathering is an idiot. I’m sure at any moment those deities will notice we’ve stepped out and come looking for us so as to witness our ‘goodnight kiss.’ So…”

“The final obstacle.” Yamcha faced Frieza and grabbed his other hand as well. “Are you gonna be okay with this?”

He nodded, but averted his eyes. “Yes. I have no other choice, and have proven I am capable of kissing you. But I know they’ll be expecting something more ‘romantic’ than what we’ve done in the past. I’d… feel more confident if we did one final practice round.”

“Good thinking. If we want it to look romantic, we’ll need to be slower, let it linger a bit. If you get uncomfortable just step back and we can try again when you’re ready, okay?”

“I doubt that will be necessary. Now, let’s begin…”

The two men nodded, took a deep breath, and one leaned down while the other stood on their toes. They closed their eyes and brought their lips together…

It was soft, and sweet, and they held it for several seconds, squeezing each other’s hands as they did. When they parted a moment later, Frieza blinked. “That was rather pleasant. I assume that means we did it correctly?”

“Yeah, you’re a natural at this, it felt perfect!” Yamcha hesitantly raised a hand and ran his fingertips gently down his ‘date’s’ arm. “Should we keep practicing?”

The alien had never felt more out of his depth. So many years of constantly simmering rage alternating with projected control fell apart. He had no framework to describe this yearning that filled him, but it became overwhelming when he once again looked into the warm, dark eyes of this impossibly unforgettable human. “Yes.”

A pause, then they were on each other, the kiss aggressive, bodies close. Yamcha felt the emperor’s fingers lace through the hair on the back of his head to pull him closer still, his teeth grazing his lips, his tail wrapping around them, and everything he’d felt that night suddenly made sense. Why he’d needed Frieza’s help to move on from Bulma. Why he was so happy. Maybe even why their energies worked so perfectly together.

What he had wanted more than anything, what he’d spent a lifetime dreaming of… was right here and he hadn’t even realized.

Frieza felt Yamcha’s warm, strong arms tighten around him… His chest ached, and that yearning felt like a fire that could engulf him fully. Being as close to him as possible was simultaneously the only thing that could sate this yearning while also somehow stoking it to become even stronger at the same time.

It was passion in the purest sense of the word- but it was ended prematurely.

“Bravo, bravo, we get the point, that’s a ‘goodnight kiss’ alright. You don’t need to keep going for our sake!”

“Lord Beerus?!” They froze. Frieza quickly shoved the taller man away from him, but was too slow in removing his tail from where it had been so closely pressed so Yamcha fell over it and landed on the grass.

“Yes! That was a beautiful, heartfelt, wonderfully authentic kiss!” Whis clapped. Leaving the man he’d just shared such intimacy with on the ground Frieza rushed over to the divine beings with his fists clenched.

“Well?! That satisfies this condition, doesn’t it?! I had a legitimate date, now I demand what I’m due. No more games, I’m ready to become a god!”

“Yes indeed, you’ve leapt this particular hurdle with astounding grace. There’s no more need for these preliminaries- tomorrow we’ll be taking you both to our world for proper training. If you survive that, you’ll be formally considered candidates for a future role as God of Destruction,” the angel explained.

“Wait, did you just say you were taking us both?” Yamcha brushed himself off and rushed to the rest of the group.

“Weren’t you paying attention?” Beerus nodded. “No normal human should be able to do what you’ve done- you further proved yourself just a few minutes ago against Vegeta. Obviously you’ll be in consideration alongside Frieza, but there’s a strong chance that your hidden potential exceeds his. This is entirely voluntary of course-“

“No, no, I wanna be considered!” Yamcha raised his fists in the air. “After years of being ridiculed and ignored, this is music to my ears!” To even be thought of as a potential destroyer was a massive boost to his confidence, and beyond that… it would let him continue to stay with Frieza while he was in the next phase of his training.

“That settles it then!” Whis was grinning ear to ear. “Our two very special cases will be picked up tomorrow at around, say, nine in the morning your time. I look forward to seeing how this all develops! But there’s one more thing,” he added, his voice suddenly deadly serious as he looked back and forth between the two mortals. “It’s unprecedented for two Gods of Destruction to date each other, and considering his rules, I doubt the Grand Priest would allow it. As such-“

“We had a wonderful time but have realized we’re more compatible as friends!” Frieza quickly interjected.

“Oh… yeah, that,” Yamcha concurred.

“Are you both fully certain? What we walked in on looked like a lot more than a basic quick smooch-“

“We had a wonderful time but have realized we’re more compatible as friends!” The emperor repeated emphatically.

No one present noticed Launch and Puar hiding in the bushes, too far off to hear what was being said but close enough for a perfect view. “Goodnight kiss?” She shook her head. “The way those two were progressing it was moments away from full on make out territory! There’s only one step left in our amazing plan…” She pulled out a flask, poured some of its contents onto her hands, and started applying it to her skin as though it were some manner of fancy scented lotion rather than cheap vodka.

The divine beings returned to the party, speaking quietly to each other as they did. “Don’t you dare forget, Whis, you don’t win this just because they acted on their attraction! Frieza specifically must choose Yamcha over being a god!”

“And for you to win, he must voluntarily step down because he sees Yamcha as the stronger candidate. This hasn’t been decided for either of us yet… But still,” the angel’s tone was grave, “I can’t help but wonder if perhaps our little bit of fun at Frieza’s expense might wind up giving us more trouble than we bargained for. You saw what they did to Vegeta, and that was after only a few weeks together and no Golden. If Yamcha happened to switch sides and the two of them worked together for whatever nefarious purpose, it could cause quite a bit of trouble for the cosmic balance…”

“I’ve been thinking the same thing,” Beerus shook his head, “but I have full faith in my prophecy. Frieza will give up on being a god due to the influence of Yamcha!”

“But this prophecy of yours didn’t specify what he’d do once he gave up on godhood. We’ll need to keep an even closer eye on them.”

Alone again outside, Yamcha approached Frieza. “This is all… a lot, huh? I feel like that was the most eventful five minutes of my life. How are you feeling?”

“We have succeeded in our task. It seems we’ll be rivals of sorts from here.” Frieza’s arms were crossed, eyes shut, and his tail stiff other than an occasional aggravated twitching of its tip. “Take care to avoid getting in my way.”

“Before that, the kiss-“

“You were very convincing. Thank you for your assistance.” The emperor kept his eyes shut. That yearning he’d felt when they kissed was still painfully strong, but so was his will. He was so close to making his greater plans a reality, he couldn’t allow himself to feel like he… like he needed Yamcha, or anyone else!

“Well yeah, of course, Frieza, I…” He wanted to tell him he loved him, that the kiss made him finally see what had been building in his heart this whole time- to find out if Frieza felt anything for him… but the smaller man’s tense posture gave him pause. Of course! What Whis had said, and he’d agreed to in haste- they couldn’t be destroyer candidates and a couple. It would be impossibly selfish of Yamcha to ask the alien to give up on his dream for his sake. He forced himself to smile, and said honestly, “I’d do it all over again if it meant tonight was a success for you.”

Before anything else could be said, Puar floated out to join them, followed by a stumbling Launch. “Heeeeeey Freezypop!”

The presence of his favorite was a welcome distraction from that yearning. “Launch, I have wonderful news to share. As of tonight, my plans-“

“Some party huh?” She shouted, holding up her hand for a high five and, when Frieza didn’t take her up on it, she grabbed his wrist and forced it.

“Ugh. You absolutely reek of alcohol. How much did you drink?” The emperor took a few steps back, waving his hand in front of his nose.

“Not enough, obviously!”

“I’m going to take Launch back to her home, she’s in no condition to drive herself!” Puar explained. “And just to be safe I’ll stay the night there and keep an eye on her. I’m sure you two will be fine back at the apartment alone together!”

End Chapter Fifteen: For One Crowded Hour You Were The Only One in the Room

Author’s Note: And so ends the vow renewal! You’ll also notice the fic finally has a set chapter count- now that the bulk of the main arc (Frieza needs to get a date) is complete I can more or less see how many chapters it will take to finish the story, of course this is subject to change as I’ve been horribly inconsistent on that so far. But now what? Will our two star crossed lovers choose to compete for godhood, or each other? Will Beerus or Whis be the one scrubbing toilets after losing the bet? And what has been going on in space while Frieza’s been otherwise distracted?

I’ll admit I was tempted to give in to my desire to writing them dancing but I’ve done that a couple times at this point, so Frieza’s refusal was partially me making fun of myself for my love of that trope. I’d also have loved to write more with Mr. Satan (I love him, totally underrated hilarious character), had a scene in mind involving Android 17, a scene with Trunks, and more plans from Puar and Launch, but at some point I had to hold myself in. This is still probably my favorite chapter so far.

Thanks for continuing to stick with me, life’s been rough my creative energies have been low as a result and I’m astonished I’m able to get words out at all. Bonus thanks to those of you who take the time to leave feedback, you’re the MVPs of this fic and I love you.

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Sixteen: I Dreamed Your Dream for You and Now Your Dream Is Real

The drive home was quiet, both men lost in their own thoughts. Yamcha kept sneaking quick glances at the smaller man.

Was this real? Was he falling in love with Frieza? Of all the bad luck… in the moment it had felt so incredible, he was certain the emperor had to be feeling it too, but… He sighed. Maybe it was just narcism making him think someone as perfect as that could ever want him, anyway.

He noticed Frieza stretch a little, then lean back in his seat. Yamcha was vividly reminded of how it had felt when he had him in his arms and shivered slightly.

Fuck. Well, he guessed any lingering hope that he was as straight as he’d spent years thinking was completely out the window at this point. He couldn’t bury the truth any longer- this strange, gorgeous alien was way, way sexier than Bulma (or any one else he’d ever met for that matter) regardless of gender.

As for Frieza, he looked out the window without paying any actual attention to the city as it passed by. Instead, his mind was in a sort of loop- he’d think about that kiss. Then he’d shove that aside, try and box it up in some hidden part of his brain where it couldn’t disturb his concentration. He’d be on the path to godhood soon! And he’d be closer to his true goal of conquering all universes! …but that damned yearning just wouldn’t stop. And he’d be back to thinking about the kiss again.

Did kissing properly always feel like that? Or was it dependent on the partner? “Yamcha…” he finally spoke, concerned that he wouldn’t be able to think about anything else unless he knew for sure, “You have had some… experience in kissing, correct?”

“Y-yeah?”

“Tell me, what we did tonight-“

“Hey you two!”

“DAMN IT GOKU!” Yamcha shouted as he slammed the brakes. “Are you TRYING to make me have a heart attack and crash?! Do NOT just Instant Transmission in like that!”

The Saiyan had appeared in-between them a moment prior, sitting awkwardly on top of the center console’s cup holders with his legs on either side of the gear shifter. “But this isn’t your apartment, it’s not like I could just knock on the door!”

“Then you WAIT until I’m home!”

“Ugh…” Frieza leaned as far as he could away from the intruder.

“This couldn’t wait! I saw what you two did to Vegeta, and he was fully powered up! Then Lord Beerus was saying you’re gonna both be training on his planet soon?! We’ve gotta throw down again before you guys go! So how about it, get parked and I’ll take us to a better spot-“

The emperor’s patience broke and he grabbed the Saiyan by the throat. “Fine then,” he hissed, “we’ll fight you for as long as you’d like, together or separate, as you please, but ONLY if you let us be for the moment and come back no earlier than half past nine tomorrow morning, understood?”

“I can’t wait! I’ll be there- ack!” Frieza tossed him out of the vehicle.

“Nine thirty, huh? …but weren’t they going to pick us up to take us to train at nine?” Yamcha asked.

“That’s the point.”

“Oh! You villain,” as he pulled up in front of his apartment complex, the human laughed. He couldn’t help it, just like he could hardly stop himself from smiling when he looked at Frieza. Inside, they started to take off their formal wear. Stealing a glance at the other man stripping down, he smiled to himself as he let his hair down, took off his jacket, tie, shirt, and belt… He couldn’t deny it, he really had fallen for him. He loved the alien, and because of that he couldn’t act on his love. He couldn’t steal his dream from him when he was at last so close to achieving it. If anyone knew how to push through life with a broken heart, well, he was a champ at it at this point. So he tried to focus on the positive. “We’re gonna be gods.”

“Well, to be technical, we are going to be god of destruction candidates,” Frieza replied. He’d been quicker thanks to his dislike of wearing clothing in the first place, and was already fully undressed. He looked at Yamcha, who was currently in just his dress pants and an undershirt, and tried to not think about how good it had felt when they were close not long prior. “Most likely only one of us will be a god-“

“Why? Beerus and Champa are brothers aren’t they, maybe they’ll retire together and we’ll both get the job? I’ll let you have Universe 6-“

“Ugh, no thank you, anything but that!” The alien advanced on him and gave him a shove- it was only Yamcha’s martial artist’s instincts that kept him on his feet. “See? Of the two of us, you’re the one better suited for that universe of screw ups- hey!” He barely dodged, Yamcha’s fist lightly grazing his side.

“Heh, sure, sure, but could a screw up do this?!” Another strike, another dodge. It was so much fun, and so easy and so challenging at the same time, being with Frieza. The way they could play around like this and push each other’s buttons, the way he didn’t even mind when the villain got the upper hand, the way their energies played off each other almost like a dance…

Frieza was smiling now, too. This, unlike that damned yearning, he could understand. He had a little fun with the human, letting him think he was winning, before striking what he’d intended to be the deciding blow- his powerful kick missed and left him unbalanced, but thankfully he still had his tail and swept that at the taller man’s legs. They both fell to the floor together. He quickly pinned his temporary roommate by grabbing his shoulders. “Not bad, yet I still wind up, as I should always be, the victor-“

Yamcha swung a leg and used his larger size to give him leverage, rolling them over so that now he was on top and pinning the alien to the floor. “Ha! ‘Pride comes before the fall’ and all that, and now you’ve been dominated!”

“Dominated? If I have been, it’s only because I would consider letting you…” More than he should have said, perhaps, but he wasn’t really thinking about word choice, just as he wasn’t thinking about the hard floor under his back. The distraction of the press of his ‘date’ for the night’s weight and warmth pushing down on him, his long hair cascading over his shoulders and falling down on the sides of his handsome face… it was hard to think about anything else.

“Y-you would?!” While the man under him wasn’t thinking about his words Yamcha certainly was. “I’m… into that. I’m into anything, really, with the right partner…” He leaned forward, and Frieza raised his head slightly- then they both froze and pulled away.

“…I thought you were about to try and kiss me again,” Frieza said after a moment.

“You looked like you wanted me to.”

They held each other’s eyes. Frieza bit his lip. Yamcha licked his own.

The alien shoved the other man off of him and got to his feet. That damned yearning was absolutely destroying him, but he couldn’t look away as Yamcha also stood. “Perhaps we should ready ourselves for tomorrow? My things are mostly already in my bag, but you’ll still need to pack, I assume?”

“You’ve got a point. I’ll do that.” The air was thick with the tension between the two men as they tried to ignore each other, one gathering his things, the other pretending to read.

How was he supposed to handle this?! Frieza sat at the table, his book in front of him, reading the same line over and over again without ever actually comprehending the words. He was the strongest! Stronger than anything! Yet he couldn’t control this… this need. This yearning.

Yamcha continued to go through the motions of packing, not thinking much about it. His mind and heart were so full of Frieza right now. He had to talk to someone that could give him some perspective. Having never finished getting out of his formal wear, he fished his phone out of his dress pants pocket and sent a text to Tien’s number.

I could really use some advice right now. I’m over Bulma finally, and I’m in love again, but it’s a man. It’s Frieza.

He sighed after he sent it, then typed a second message. Sorry, dunno why I’m coming to you for this, you’re no romantic. Just figured you wouldn’t judge on the whole liking a guy part. Sorry… He put it away.

Frieza stood up and closed his book, carrying it to the bedside where he kept his bag of limited belongings. He’d received so many gifts over the years, given in fear, or in hope for his favor. Never anything like this gift of gratitude from someone who’d taken the initiative to actually try and get to know the person inside the tyrant. Needless to say, ’The Complete Works of William Shakespeare’ was coming with him on this next leg of his journey toward ruling all.

When he slipped it into his bag, he noticed a light flashing on his scouter. More messages from space.

Even with all the distractions of the moment, he couldn’t stop himself from wondering what was happening up there, but… He hadn’t came this close to slip up now! He took the device in his hand and incinerated it with a quick burst of Ki.

Yamcha felt the alien’s energy flare for a moment, and approached, curious. “What was that about?”

“Nothing worth concern, just paring down my belongings a bit, getting rid of things I won’t be needing.” He zipped his bag and stood. They were close again, almost as close as they’d been when they had their first proper kiss…

“That’s smart. Not that I’d expect anything less from you…”

How was he supposed to keep moving forward when standing so near to Yamcha made every inch of his being feel like it was aflame? It was too much to handle, so he gave in, winding his arms around Yamcha’s neck to pull him back in and once again bring their lips together.

His heart felt like it was bursting and his arms were back around Frieza a second later. The kiss was deep- both aggressive and romantic all at once. When they finally parted they found themselves staring into each other’s eyes. “Frieza, I…”

“It’s our last night on Earth together. We’re alone, and we’re curious. Is there any harm in exploring this, just a little?”

“I would really like that,” Yamcha replied, holding him close. “After all, I really, really, really like you.”

The alien smiled, those words fueling the fire in his chest. He wrapped his tail around the taller man and pressed himself into his body heat. He’d never felt anything like this, like a thousand stars were exploding inside of him. His roommate was holding him, and he simultaneously felt satisfied and like he wanted so much more in one confusing mix.

Yamcha wanted to kiss him again, so he did, first on that gorgeous shiny purple on top of his head, then left a trail of kisses lower until their lips once again met. He felt the emperor slip his fingertips under the thin fabric of his undershirt and slide his hands up his stomach and chest and nearly moaned against Frieza’s lips. He took this as permission to do some more touching of his own and brought his right hand down to feel the alien’s tail. His skin felt cool and durable, yet supple and thin enough that he could vividly feel the rippling of the powerful muscles of that limb as it shifted from embracing the human to coiling around his leg.

This was it. This was what he wanted. This was what the yearning commanded of him. All Frieza wanted right now was to make love to Yamcha. He wasn’t bothered by his own inexperience- his recent interest in adult videos had given him some degree of an idea of what it could be like, and besides, the man he desired had never been with another of his same gender, or anyone who wasn’t human. They were both smart, and it seemed they both wanted this, so they’d figure it out. So he held tight to the flimsy fabric of the undershirt and shoved its wearer onto the bed beside them, literally ripping it off of him in the process, then pounced on him and kissed him again.

Completely enthralled, Yamcha continued to feel Frieza’s tail, rubbing and squeezing it with one hand while his heart pounded from the feel of it tightly holding his leg. While he may have finally been satisfying his obsession with that particular limb, his desires reached to the rest of the man’s body as well, and he let his free hand drift over his slender waist and powerful back.

It was only when he felt the emperor start unbuttoning his pants that it really clicked to the human as to what they were likely about to do- and he remembered what was at stake. “Hey, wait,” he said, taking the alien’s hands in his own to still them.

“Why?” The alien asked, turning his attentions from Yamcha’s remaining clothing to his neck and chest, ravaging them with his mouth and making the taller man momentarily forget his resolve, but only for a moment.

“Mmm, Frieza, that feels so good but we have to stop-“

“We’re the two strongest beings in this universe, we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to,” he responded before immediately resuming his prior activities.

“Lord Beerus and Whis could be watching, and if we can’t date, they might disqualify you over this-“

“ARGH!” Frieza snarled and rolled off of his almost lover, sitting on the edge of the bed and crossing his arms. “You’re right, damn it all. I suppose we should go to bed.”

“Guess I’ll go take a shower,” Yamcha sighed. He stood up. “Even if we had to press pause on that, I just wanted you to know I enjoyed where things were going.”

“Oh, ‘press pause’ you say? You word it like we’ll be able to continue at some point,” Frieza’s smile was playful, and irresistible, and his roommate couldn’t help giving it one last quick kiss-

- it was supposed to be the last, and supposed to be quick, but a moment later he was on top of the alien in bed and they were right back to making out. “F-fuck, sorry,” he panted after half a minute. “I shouldn’t have…. Sorry!” He quickly detangled himself from that incredible tail and rushed into the bathroom.

In the shower, he stood still under cold water, trying to force his body to calm down. He loved Frieza. He wanted Frieza. Those last few minutes had been a taste of something so addictive that pulling away from it was physically painful- and the fact that he could be certain at least the physical attraction went both ways made it even harder. But the fact that he loved him meant he had no other choice than to hold himself back so that he wouldn’t rob him of his dream.

Back out in the bedroom Frieza sat on the bed with his arms crossed and tail twitching, staring at the door to the bathroom. Everything in him burned with need to break the door down. Yamcha would be standing in the shower, naked and flawless- he felt like he could choke on the air in the room.

But the human had been right. They couldn’t do this. So he picked up his phone and brought up a favorite video, intending to take care of his aroused state on his own, but… he shut it back off only seconds after pressing play.

He didn’t want to just ‘get off,’ he wanted Yamcha. “What a ridiculous joke,” he muttered to himself, and got in bed, burying himself under the covers. When the shower shut off and Yamcha returned to the main room he tried to ignore the sounds of him shutting out the lights, dressing in his night clothes, and laying down on the couch.

Neither man could sleep, and both laid there in silence, hyper aware of the other’s presence in the room. It was hard to tell how much time passed before the alien’s slightly muffled voice said, “if you can’t sleep, then join me in bed. It’s more comfortable, and you’ll need your energy for tomorrow.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea-“

“We aren’t animals. We are fully capable of controlling ourselves. Now come on.” Yamcha had very little experience with Frieza’s telekinetic abilities and thus was momentarily confused when he felt himself pulled roughly from the couch and across the room, landing on his back on top of the blankets.

“If you insist…” he rolled on his side to face the other man, but decided not to get under the covers. After a moment the alien scooted toward him, and he did the same, carefully putting an arm over the smaller man, confident that the fabric separating them would be enough to keep him out of trouble. Frieza tensed up, so he quickly lifted his arm back off of him, but returned it when he heard an equally tense, muffled, “leave your arm where it was.”

Even through several layers of sheets and blankets the emperor could feel Yamcha’s body heat against his back and oddly comfortable press of his arm as he held him. The yearning was as strong as ever, and he was annoyed by the fact that he couldn’t figure out how to get these distracting, overwhelming feelings to leave him be, but… this was really nice. He forced himself to relax into it. Tomorrow he’d be taking his next step toward godhood! Tonight, he’d have to sleep.

They both eventually fell asleep like this and dreamed of the possibilities of what could have happened had they not had to stop themselves.

- - -

Across town Launch yawned. She’d traded in her dress from the evening’s event for a nightgown, and sat on the couch with Puar, a bowl of popcorn between them and a movie playing on her massive TV. “Nothing’s been blown up yet and there hasn’t been a single high speed chase scene. This film sucks, let’s watch something else.”

“I was enjoying it! I think they’re about to reveal that the bartender is in love with the florist!”

“My apartment, my rules,” she replied, tossing a piece of popcorn at him and grabbing the remote. As she flipped through the channels, she asked, “whatcha think Frieza and Yamcha are doing right now?”

“Holding hands and planning their future together,” Puar replied with a smug certainty.

“Ya think? I dunno about that.”

“Oh yeah? Then what do you think they’re doing?”

“Fuckin’ each other’s brains out-“

“I don’t want to think about that!”

“With how much sexual tension has built up between them I doubt they’ll be able to talk much until they do something about it- oh? Someone’s texting Tien’s phone.”

“Why do you still have that?!”

“Chill, I’m returning it, I promise! First thing in the morning!” She picked up the device.

“Don’t read his texts!”

“Oh it’s fine, he doesn’t even check them half the time- oh my gawd we did it! Yamcha says he’s in love!”

“YAY!” They danced around for a moment, laughing. She tossed a handful of popcorn in the air, caught about half of it in her mouth, and finally found something they were both in the mood to watch on TV.

- - -

“Shit!” Yamcha woke up, grabbed his phone, and checked the clock in a panic. With everything that had happened the prior night, he hadn’t thought to set an alarm for the morning, and had awoken with only half an hour to spare before the divine beings were supposed to come pick them up for training. “Frieza, wake up, we gotta get ready!”

The alien sat up, blankets falling away as he turned to face the man he’d spent the night in the arms of. They were both, of course, remembering the previous evening, from the ‘date’ to the kiss to the making out that had to keep stopping right as it was starting to get good. “What time is it?”

“About eight thirty.”

“Then I’d imagine they’re about to leave… it takes them nearly half an hour to travel to Earth, after all. I doubt they’re snooping at this point…”

The implications of this weren’t lost on Yamcha, and against his better judgement he tossed the covers aside, shoved Frieza back down against the pillows, and once again brought their lips together, one hand stroking the alien’s cheek while the other wandered up and down his fit body. With great difficulty they pulled themselves apart ten minutes later, continuing to kiss and touch wherever they could with an almost desperate neediness as they finished getting ready in record time. When the two deities knocked at their door at nine o’clock on the dot the human opened the door while still combing out his extremely tousled hair.

“Our apologies, it seems we overslept,” Frieza explained from the kitchenette before chugging the last of his coffee.

“Are you both absolutely sure you want to do this?” Beerus asked, looking at the villain. “You will be direct rivals from here. If one of you feels his potential is lacking in comparison to the other and thus doesn’t feel it’s right to continue, well, this is the time to say as such.”

“That’s right,” Whis nodded, his eyes also fixed on Frieza. “If there are other priorities more important than striving for godhood, now is the time to step down and pursue those avenues instead. From here forward the training will be intense.”

“That’s exactly what I am demanding,” he replied. “I’m ready.”

“M-me too,” Yamcha said. Was this really the right thing to do? He wasn’t sure, but it was his only chance to stay with Frieza… Then another thought occurred to him. “Wait a sec, I never told Puar what was up. Let me leave him a note before we go so he doesn’t panic when he comes home and can’t find me. I’ll tell him to tell Launch, too, don’t worry,” he smiled at his roommate when he added the last part.

“Can’t you just text him?”

“Nah. Since he rarely has pockets, and when he does they’re tiny, I usually carry his phone for him. He’s not in the habit of checking it.”

“As long as you’re quick about it,” Beerus said. The human grabbed a pad of paper and a pen out of his desk drawer and scrawled a quick note- Puar, sorry I couldn’t tell you in person but I’m a god of destruction candidate! Frieza and I will be training with Lord Beerus and Whis for a bit, so don’t worry if you don’t see me for a little while. There’s something else I need to tell you too, something incredibly exciting! But I can’t write it because it’s super personal. See you soon, buddy. Can you fill Launch in, too? - Y When he finished, he could see the other three glaring impatiently, so he tore off the note, tossed it on the table, then shoved his stationary in his bag rather than waste precious seconds putting it away and joined the rest of the group.

“I’m ready! Let’s go!”

- - -

The journey back to Beerus’s planet was uneventful, and once they arrived the two mortals hardly had a second to take the strange scenery of it in before they were hustled off to place their things in what would be their room (“After all this, it seems we’re still fated to be roommates,” Yamcha laughed) then told to get ready to begin the day’s tasks. Beerus had vanished somewhere, so it was Whis who lead them through what came next.

“I’ve prepared new training uniforms for you two in the style you’re each accustomed to, but lighter and more durable than what you’ve worn in the past. Once you’re both dressed I’ll brief you on the chores you’ll be completing prior to training each day-“

“Wait, chores?!” Both candidates were stunned.

“Well of course, you’ll be earning your keep while you’re here, just as Goku and Vegeta did.”

“You do remember I am Lord Frieza, the emperor of space and future god of this universe, correct?” The shortest man demanded. “I’m not like those simian simpletons you trained prior to this! My results will justify your time, I assure you!”

“Oh Frieza,” Whis chuckled, “If you aren’t happy with the way we do things here then I’ll happily bring you back to Earth-“

“I refuse that! But I won’t be demeaned- oh?” He paused his rant and relaxed slightly as he felt Yamcha’s hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, don’t worry. This will be nothing compared to what you’ve been through to get this far, and you’ve got me to help you. Between the two of us these chores will be a breeze!”

It was extremely difficult to stay stressed when looking at that handsome man’s smile. “Fair enough. I suppose I’ll continue to rely on your assistance even here.”

“That’s the spirit!” Whis pointed his staff at a table and two sets of clothing appeared- a cloth uniform fairly similar to the turtle school one Yamcha already used for training, and a set of armor.

“Sweet, thanks for the new threads! I’m gonna get changed, be right back.” Yamcha grabbed his new outfit and dashed into the bathroom to put it on. The angel hadn’t been kidding- it was so light it practically felt like he was wearing nothing at all, yet when he tested its strength by trying to tear a hard to notice spot in the fabric’s seam he found it was pretty much indestructible. “Nice,” he said to himself, then headed back out.

Whis was still there, but where had Frieza gone? He could still feel he was close, but only saw… wait a second. “Frieza, is that you?”

Looking slightly shorter and significantly pissier than usual was only the beginning of the differences, but those intense eyes, pretty lips, and the beguiling way his tail moved- that was the man he’d fallen for alright! He sighed. “Whis insisted I went back to my first form for our training. I suppose I can understand the logic, but I can’t say I’m fond of intentionally weakening myself when I’ll be in direct competition with someone as obnoxiously powerful as you.” This version of himself… he knew his fourth form was far prettier, and as Launch had so unnecessarily pointed out, Yamcha liked pretty. The logical parts of his mind knew it would make things easier if he could lessen the incredibly distracting mutual attraction between them, but his emotions, his desires… he wanted that marvelous human to crave him every bit as badly as he did the human.

“You have horns.”

“Goodness, what an impressive observation.”

“As sarcastic as ever I see! Just even more adorable.” Yamcha grinned and poked Frieza in the arm as though he was just teasing, but he meant it- he liked this form, too. “Now, those chores?”

Cooking brunch for the destroyer and his attendant wasn’t bad- Yamcha knew plenty of good recipes, and Frieza had learned a lot from their little adventure in Universe 6. They chatted as they worked. “I hadn’t even thought about how Goku and Vegeta always brought food bribes when they came to train here. Guess it makes sense they’d expect us to cook…” he grabbed a towel, wiped off his hands, and turned to the smaller man. “So seriously, the different Saiyan forms are mostly changes to their hair, and your Golden form isn’t that different from your usual, shape wise at least- so why’s this one look like that?”

“Oho ho, you think this is different, do you? You should see my second form, and then there’s my third, which is downright monstrous… I doubt you’d even recognize me!”

He delicately ran a finger down his companion’s left horn from tip to base. “I dunno, your energy is pretty unmistakable even when your body is totally changed…” Frieza leaned into his touch and smiled up at him.

“Is that so? Then what do you think of this version of me, hmm?” He lifted his tail so that he could stroke Yamcha’s neck lightly with the side of it.

Breathing heavy, the human softly replied, “it’s cute, and more importantly… it’s you.”

When Whis popped into the kitchen a minute later to check on how the meal was coming Frieza was sitting on the countertop so as to be at the right level to kiss Yamcha and wrap his legs around his waist at the same time. They pulled apart quickly. “Uh, don’t mind us, we were just-“

“-I couldn’t reach something in one of the cabinets so I climbed up here but Yamcha was going to lift me the rest of the way!”

“And you didn’t just fly up to reach it?” Whis asked.

“…no.”

The angel laughed to himself and left the two embarrassed roommates to finish cooking.

Weeding the garden was significantly more annoying than cooking had been. It was dirty work, and all the bending over wasn’t exactly easy on the body. “Ugh, this is such a pain.” Yamcha dropped his tools and sat down. “My knees can absorb the shock of spending a day throwing kicks for training but a couple hours kneeling has them aching. I’m too old for this.”

“Too old?” Frieza laughed and sat down next to him. “Hardly. While I’m still unsure of the exact math needed to convert your Earth years into something compatible with the galactic calendar, I’m fairly certain you are younger than I am. And I assume your body is youthful enough in the areas where it’s most important?”

“Dunno about the first part, but as for the second… I wish I could show you rather than tell you, but things being as they are…”

“I’m sure you could give me at least a taste if you really wanted to, even under the present circumstances…”

A minute later they were untangling themselves and brushing the dirt from their uniforms after the beginnings of another intense make out session were interrupted once again by Whis. “Goodness me, for a moment I’d thought you two had ran off somewhere to avoid your chores but you were just hiding amongst the weeds!”

“Uh, yeah, I tripped over Frieza’s tail and he was down here to help me get back up,” Yamcha lied.

“How uncharacteristically kind of him!” Whis replied, smiling as he left.

General cleaning was going no where, and a broom and mop sat side by side, unused, as the two mortals hid in the closet they’d found the tools in. Yamcha sat on a box with Frieza in his lap, kissing his wrist, his arm, his neck… “We should probably stop doing this,” he whispered against the alien’s jaw before lightly nibbling it.

“Why? Those divine beings don’t suspect a thing. Now that we’ve passed their silly tests they have no reason to be closely monitoring us, so- ah!” He yelped and threaded his fingers through the human’s hair, writhing in his arms as Yamcha’s teeth grazed against an inexplicably sensitive area.

“Heh, so that’s a good spot, huh? I’ll keep that in mind,” The taller man smirked before getting serious again. “We’ve had two near misses today already, we gotta be more careful-“

The door to the closet suddenly opened and they both froze. “Oh, so that’s where you two went!” Whis looked between them as Frieza jumped off Yamcha’s lap with such force that he pushed the human into a half empty crate of paper towels.

“I was just asking Yamcha to show me how to properly dilute the chemicals I’ll be using for mopping!”

“And this required the two of you being on top of each other?”

“Well yeah, you can’t see the correct concentrate-to-water ratio if you’re standing on opposite sides of the room!” The human quickly said.

“I see! Well, don’t let me distract you from the task then!” He stepped out and closed the closet door behind him,

“Uh… we should probably actually start cleaning, huh?”

“I believe you’re right.”

After several hours of chores they were at last allowed to begin training. Beerus showed up for the first time since they’d arrived, seeming to catch even Whis off guard.

“I think I’d like a chance to put these two through their paces, if that’s alright with all of you?”

“Of course, Lord Beerus, but isn’t this highly unusual?”

“Well, these two are highly unusual, are they not?” The destroyer smirked at Frieza and Yamcha. “If they think they’re capable of becoming destroyers then surely they can survive a little taste of combat with one.”

“I plan on doing far more than just ‘surviving,’ you know,” Frieza said. Being forced to use this suppressed form would be an inconvenience, but he was confident he could work around it. Being formally recognized by the god and his attendant only served to increase the emperor’s ego after all. Besides, he felt like showing off- Yamcha had better be watching!

“I’m gonna give this my best shot. The two of us together, we can’t lose!” The human grinned at his companion.

“That may be the case, or it may not,” Beerus replied, “but for this little exercise I’ll be taking you on one on one. A universe can’t have two destroyers, so if you rely purely on one another and the boost you get from your resonance rather than putting in the work to find that same strength individually we’ll be wasting our time. I’m starting.. with Frieza!”

He struck suddenly, sending the unprepared emperor flying. Yamcha tried to rush to his side, but Whis blocked him. “You heard Lord Beerus, please don’t interfere.”

“R-right. Can I cheer for him at least?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Frieza pushed himself to his feet and just barely managed to block a second hit from Beerus before aiming a curved strike from his tail at the back of the god’s leg. He countered it with his own tail, then threw the alien against a tree. “Not good enough!”

“Don’t listen to him, Frieza, you’ve got this!” Yamcha shouted.

“Of course I have!” He pulled himself to his feet and sidestepped another attack, but being stuck in this form was doing him no favors. Even when he finally managed to land a hit not long after that it barely grazed the deity, and he was immediately forced back onto the defense.

It was difficult for the human to watch- he could see the man he loved’s rising frustration as Beerus controlled the battle with minimal effort. After a minute of this, the god abruptly ceased his attack.

“That’s more than enough, I think. Frieza, you have a long way to go-“

“This gap would be closed if I was allowed to use my Golden form!”

“Are you so sure about that? Sure, you’d be faster and stronger, but your technique would be just as sloppy. We’ll have a true warrior show you how it’s done- Yamcha, you’re up!”

He barely had a second to focus before he was the target of a series of frenzied strikes from the god, of which he could only manage to dodge or block about half. He cried out in pain when a particularly well aimed kick connected with his stomach, and it took everything he had to stay standing.

He was panicking, and he knew it, so he endeavored to make some space between himself and his attacker- Yamcha dove at Whis, and Beerus followed. “Just kidding,” he smirked at the angel as he jumped to the side at the last second, then took advantage of Beerus’s momentary confusion as he quickly pulled his own punch to avoid hitting his attendant and closed his eyes…

There, he thought. With Frieza only a few yards away tapping into their resonance was a simple task, and he advanced on the destroyer with new confidence.

The emperor watched from the sidelines, seething. So he had ‘a long way to go,’ did he? Perhaps they were making him train in his suppressed form because they were afraid of his full power?

More than anything right now, he wanted to see Yamcha wipe the floor with Beerus. “What are you waiting for?! Destroy that pompous destroyer!”

- - -

“Well, I was going to have you two cook our dinner, but considering your current states…” Whis sighed. “Perhaps we worked you a bit too hard today, although I must admit I wasn’t expecting Lord Beerus to take you both on on only your first day of training!”

“Today was just a warm up. Tomorrow will go very differently,” Frieza replied, dirty and bruised, crouched down next to Yamcha. “Isn’t that right?”

“Y-yeah,” the human was laying on his back breathing heavily and in far worse shape. He’d fought at a level that impressed all four of them that day, but even with his new technique for lessening the toll on his body he’d still gone through all his energy and the day’s final sparing session had ended with Beerus nearly knocking him out cold. “Tomorrow we’ll kick some ass.”

“Well? Aren’t you going to heal him?” The villain demanded.

“I’ll heal both of your wounds at least. As far as regaining his vitality, well, he’ll need to figure that one out for himself.”

After their cuts and bruises vanished, Yamcha sat up. Frieza put a hand on his shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I could use a long, hot bath,” he laughed, stretching and finally getting to his feet. “I’m completely beat.”

“That can be arranged. Let me show you two to the baths.”

“You fought brilliantly today,” the emperor commented to his companion as they followed, “though it irritates me that neither of us were able to put a scratch on that overgrown feline…”

“It was only because you couldn’t go all out in that form,” Yamcha gave him a playful shove. “Even I could beat you like this. If you’d been able to use Golden I bet it would all have been different!”

They were lead into a large chamber with a natural hot spring. “I suppose you’d appreciate some privacy while you bathe, so I’ll leave you two to it,” Whis was cheerful as he left.

Frieza wasted no time in pulling off his armor and returning to his favored form. Yamcha watched him out of the corner of his eye as he undressed- as much as he’d liked his first form, this was definitely the favorite. Yeah, the other was cute, but this one? Breathtaking.

Once he was down to his underwear, he paused. “Uh, Frieza, are you planning to keep staring like that?”

“Yes. I assume you’re removing the last of that clothing before you bathe, and I haven’t seen you fully naked before. Naturally, I’m curious.”

“You do remember that humans don’t treat nudity as casually as your race apparently does, right?”

“Of course. But considering the amount of… intimacy we’ve shared over the past day I didn’t suspect you’d suddenly find your modesty at this point.”

Yamcha just laughed awkwardly and finished stripping off the last of his clothes. “Well?”

“Well what, exactly?”

“I’m naked now… what do you think?”

Oh, Frieza had a lot of thoughts about the man he was staring at, most fueled by lust at this point, as well as by that annoyingly powerful yearning that had been plaguing him ever since they’d first kissed. But instead of communicating any of that, he just smirked. “I’m thinking about how when we were at the beach you were bragging about your size.”

“And?… you can’t imply you were evaluating the part of me that every human man is most sensitive about without telling me your opinion of it!”

The emperor just laughed and quickly got in the water before he lost his last thin threads of self control. He’d liked what he saw, but also liked making the taller man squirm.

The human joined him, and unsurprisingly they were in each other’s arms in an instant, another passionate kiss once again further stoking the fires that were burning in the both of them. “Dear Yamcha,” Frieza pulled away slightly with some difficulty, but stayed close, trailing his fingers through his roommate’s hair, “considering how things have been progressing between us since yesterday evening, and the fact that that annoying angel said we’d have our privacy while we’re in the bath, I don’t think I’m being presumptuous to think there is a possibility you and I will be… engaging in specific activities that go further than the kissing and…” he hated the fact that he was blushing at this point, “…and touching we’ve done so far.”

“Yeah, to be honest I’m really hoping so,” Yamcha replied. He tried to kiss the smaller man again, but he stopped him.

“Before we do, I am curious about something. You’ve stated so many times that you’re straight, yet here we are. What changed?”

He wanted so badly to answer the truth- that he was in love, that he’d used Frieza’s gender as an excuse to ignore his developing feelings until things reached the breaking point, that he’d clung to his ‘straight’ identity because it felt safe- but he didn’t want to make the other man feel pressured, especially when they’d only known each other such a comparably short amount of time, and everything Frieza had been dreaming of relied on them not being a couple at this point. So instead he said, “I guess it was our ‘goodnight kiss’ that changed things. It was too good to not make me want you… plus you were right all along, I totally have a tail fetish, at least for yours.”

“I see…” he slowly wound the limb in question around the taller man’s leg, the tip of it resting in a particularly sensitive area…

Even if he couldn’t admit everything he felt in words, Yamcha still pulled Frieza close and held him, hoping his body would communicate what he felt he couldn’t say. But he had a question of his own. “Hey… for every time I said I was straight you said twice that that you thought I was ‘attractive’ but weren’t ‘attracted’ to me. Plus, you know, saying I’m aggravating and obnoxious and all that. So why is it that all of a sudden you can’t keep your hands off me?” He knew what answer he hoped for, but of course Frieza was far more reserved in his feelings, especially when he barely understood them himself.

“I suppose your level of attractiveness was more than even I could resist after a point, and overrode my natural aversion to your more irritating attributes.” He moved to be straddling the taller man, eager to keep going, but Yamcha still insisted.

“What made you feel that way though?”

A good question… was it the goodnight kiss? Or the pleasant evening together prior? Or the nights dreaming of intimacy? Or even that moment when he first laid eyes on the man and noticed his gorgeous hair? “It’s a mystery,” he finally replied, and pressed his hips against the humans as he gave him yet another searing kiss, robbing them both of the ability to continue thinking or talking as they at last gave in fully to their mutual attraction.

- - -

It generally took at least a month long nap before Beerus was capable of waking up in a decent mood, so when he awoke after only an hour he was cranky even before Whis stopped him from going to take a bath.

“Yes, I know the two mortals are in there, I can feel their Ki as well as you can you know!” He snapped, pushing his way past the angel. “I intend to kick them out. They need to start preparing our dinner anyway!”

“If that’s your plan then of course I won’t interfere further, but you may want to give them some warning before you go in… unless your curious about the sexual practices of their two species.”

“They’re doing that in MY BATH?!” He shuddered. “I should destroy them both for that!”

“Now now, it’s alright, once I win our little bet you can take the time to thoroughly clean up any messes they may have made-“

“I’m going back to bed,” Beerus growled.

- - -

Some time later, Frieza and Yamcha laid side by side on a pile of towels they’d spread out on the floor. “I am so glad we did that. Best sex of my life, no contest… and you’re the first person ever to successfully wear me out, so congrats.”

“While I lack the degree of previous experience that you have for comparison, I will concur, that was…” The emperor paused and considered his word choice. Mind blowing? Incredible? The happiest he’d ever been in his entire life? “…that was enjoyable, and exhausting. I hope we’ll be able to do so again soon… the complications of our current status are irksome, but once I’m a god I’ll make you my assistant, perhaps? Then together we can do as we please.”

“Unless I become a god first and make you be my assistant,” Yamcha teased. Frieza punched him, but he caught it and used his momentum to pull the smaller man into his arms. They wound up half play fighting, half making out for a few minutes more, but it was clear they were both too exhausted at this point to go any further than that. When they left the baths not long after they encountered Whis in the hallway.

“My goodness, I was starting to wonder if you two had drown in there!”

Yamcha quickly shook his arm, dislodging Frieza’s tail from where it had been hooked around his wrist. “Ha ha, nope, I just, uh, fell asleep. It was so comfy in there and I was still worn out from training, you know?”

Instead of bothering to justify his own long ‘bath’ the villain just ignored Whis and kept walking. They met up again in the kitchen, where they made dinner as quickly as possible- a process that mainly involved Yamcha doing the work while Frieza watched. From time to time they’d catch each other’s eye and smile.

Still fully exhausted, they ate quickly, too distracted by both the knowledge of what they’d just done together and the efforts to act like they weren’t thinking about such things to notice Beerus seemed to be in a particularly bad mood.

Once the dishes were done they returned to their guest room. Frieza grabbed Yamcha by the arms and slammed him back against the door, closing it and pinning his body against it in one move, before kissing him for what must have been the thousandth time that day. After a moment, the human pushed his lover off of him with great reluctance. “Hey… I hate to say this but we should probably, uh, cool this down a little. It’s a miracle they haven’t figured out that we’ve been getting physical yet, I don’t think we should push our luck-“

“Oh for goodness sake!” Frieza crossed his arms and stomped across the room, tail lashing. “I should be able to do whatever I’d like! I am the emperor of space! I am nearly a god! Yet I must continue to jump through these hoops and meet these silly arbitrary expectations!”

It hurt, seeing him so frustrated… “Just keep your eyes on the prize I guess? You’re so close to your dream, and… you’re worth waiting for, so if you wanted to, uh…” Maybe he’d said too much? Embarrassed, he backtracked. “I just mean if you want to do what we did today again in the future I’d totally be down is all! But I can set aside my libido for a bit, I won’t let my own desire for you get in the way of everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

Frieza didn’t say anything, and simply got ready for bed in a frustrated silence. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, but he knew that whatever it was, this human was key to it, and that he wanted whatever it was to a painful degree. This annoying yearning that was complicating everything… The lust he’d so recently awakened to wasn’t helping him focus on his true goal, either.

There were two beds in the room; he took the far one and buried himself under the blankets as usual. Considering their prior conversation, he was surprised to feel the mattress shift slightly, then a warmth press against his back. “Oh?”

Yamcha held him, hoping he could provide some sort of comfort. “Since being close strengthens our resonance maybe sharing a bed is sorta like training?” He felt the smaller man’s body relax just a little and smiled.

“Yes, of course. This is just part of our training… Goodnight, Yamcha.”

“Goodnight, Frieza…”

- - -

It was early, several hours prior to the alarm he’d set when Yamcha woke up. Frieza was still fast asleep in his arms beneath the covers, and once again his heart was so filled with love for this wonderful, fascinating, gorgeous being that all he could do was hold him tighter and thank whatever twist of fate had lead Beerus and Whis to bring them together.

But at the same time… he knew he was being selfish in a way, staying here. It was good for his ego, sure, being considered for godhood himself, and more importantly this was the only way he could continue to spend his days with the one he’d fallen in love with. Yet while he still had his doubts as to whether the emperor felt anything emotionally for him, it was obvious that he was every bit as attracted to Yamcha physically as Yamcha was to him on every level. That was both a source of immeasurable happiness and the biggest problem.

If they had to struggle to resist each other, it was only a matter of time before the divine beings caught on. By being here, Yamcha was causing a distraction and could very well cost Frieza the dream he’d spent his entire life working toward…

Maybe now that they’d finally had sex they’d be able to keep their wits about them? That had been… unreal. He’d never felt anything like that in any of his previous relationships- the way their bodies worked together, how having such a durable lover meant he for once didn’t have to hold himself back to avoid injuring them, the excitement of experimenting with someone who’s body was entirely unlike that of his prior partners, their shared kinks (that tail! Oh, that tail!) and preferences seeming to make them perfectly compatible… and most of all, the overpowering sense of true connection between them.

If he’d had any doubt that he loved Frieza that would have cleared it. Through the blankets he gently kissed the other man’s neck- he hadn’t intended to wake him, but he felt him stir in his arms.

Drowsy and content, the emperor pressed himself into the warmth of his human companion, slowly opening his eyes, rolling over, and lowering the sheets as he did so. He took one look at at Yamcha’s hair, whispered, “you’re a mess,” against his neck, and fell back asleep after leaving a light but still sensual kiss on his collar bone.

Even that was enough to send the taller man’s blood flow directly to a key area, and he swallowed hard. Yep… even after finally breaking their sexual tension, he found Frieza to be near impossible to resist.

This sucked… he couldn’t be so selfish when he loved this man so much.

It was difficult to get out of bed- this was the first time he’d been able to properly watch Frieza sleeping thanks to his usual tendency to pull the covers completely over himself, and he was charmed by how peaceful the alien looked- but after a few minutes more of trying to memorize how this moment felt he slowly, carefully let go and slid away.

He wanted to say goodbye, but he worried if he woke him up that the emperor would try and talk him out of it, and he knew that if Frieza looked him in the eyes and asked him to stay he’d lose his resolve. The pad of paper and pen that he’d brought with him in haste was quietly dug out of his bag, and he considered his words carefully for a moment before writing-

Hey Frieza, sorry to run out on you like this. Being considered as a candidate for godhood is pretty cool and all, but in the end it’s your thing, not mine, and I don’t want to get in your way. I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I’ve really came to care about you a lot. More than anything, I want you to be happy. Find me again once you’re a god and we don’t have to play by anyone else’s rules, okay? - your Yamcha

He left it on the table, got dressed, and quietly left the room.

End Chapter Sixteen: I Dreamed Your Dream for You and Now Your Dream is Real

Author’s Note: Another chapter that was getting long and had to be cut, ack. I think I can still keep the chapter count where I’d intended it though. Writing slower than normal because of real world stresses so if I included everything I’d intended in this chapter it would have put me even further behind on my roughly weekly upload schedule. One kinda neat thing that happened while I was working on this, there was a sort of Yamza explosion on Twitter and a bunch of people drew them, so that made me happy.

So our boys have given in to their physical desire for one another, Yamcha knows he’s in love, and Frieza is struggling to understand what he’s feeling. How will he react when he wakes up alone? Will Yamcha regret his choice?

This chapter has bonus content that I’ve half wrote and will share at some point in the not safe for work section of the Yamza discord at some point, so yeah, that’s gonna be a thing, but it’s gonna be a bit of a wait as I’m prioritizing finishing this main story and a couple other commitments first and my energy is like, non existent at this point.

Thank you THANK YOU THANK YOU to my readers, especially the ones who take the time to comment. You have no idea how much I appreciate you <3

Chapter Text

Take A Deep Breath

Chapter Seventeen: Just To Be With You

Frieza woke up with an odd sense of incompleteness. It took him a moment to figure out the cause of this disconcerting feeling, but once he did he sat up in a panic. The resonance- now that he’d grown so used to feeling it, the lack of it was painfully clear. Yamcha wasn’t just out of the room- he couldn’t feel his energy at all.

Where was he?! He couldn’t have been killed, could he?! If those deities had so much as harmed a single gorgeous hair on his handsome head-

Oh? There was a pad of paper sitting on the small table at the side of the room, and on it, a note. He tore it off the top and read it several times over, his frustration building with each repeat of the words.

Hey Frieza, sorry to run out on you like this. Being considered as a candidate for godhood is pretty cool and all, but in the end it’s your thing, not mine, and I don’t want to get in your way. I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I’ve really came to care about you a lot. More than anything, I want you to be happy. Find me again once you’re a god and we don’t have to play by anyone else’s rules, okay? - your Yamcha

He balled the paper up in his fist, his fingers clenching so tightly that his nails cut into his palm. “What the hell is this?! What… what gives him the right to think he can make these decisions for us both?! I am the only one who should get to decide what level of risk is acceptable for myself!” His nails broke his skin and his blood slowly began to taint the note, but he hardly noticed. After incinerating the paper he slammed his tail repeatedly against the floor, more pissed off than he’d been in years.

“You want me to be happy?!” The alien ranted at the air, “Then why the hell did you go?! You think you were getting in my way?! We were making this work! You… you care about me?! You think you needed to tell me that?! You think it wasn’t obvious?! But then you left…” slowly the strength left his legs, and he sunk to the floor. “You left as though you didn’t realize I… I needed you here…”

He closed his eyes but all he could see was Yamcha- his smile, his hair, his arms… the way he looked so splendid in battle with his powerful and unpredictable motions… their time in the baths the previous evening… his strong spirit and warm personality…

…how being with him had resulted in Frieza feeling happier and more relaxed than he’d ever been.

A fresh bolt of rage coursed through him, and he stood once again and stomped over to the table. “He thinks he can leave with just a note, does he?!” There was still plenty of paper, and the pen… He started to write a letter of his own with the intent of asking Whis to deliver it to the human, but-

Dear Yamcha, you are a traitor and you should sincerely hope I never see you again

No, that wasn’t it. He crossed it out and started over.

Dear Yamcha, you’ve just put yourself at the top of a future destroyer’s kill list

Ugh! He scribbled until the text was illegible, then started again.

Yamcha, why would you do this? How could you do this? You were my summer’s day

What was he thinking with this sentimental silliness?! He tore the sheet off then shredded it.

From there he hardly knew what he was writing, as he ceased trying to put together a coherent letter and just scrawled his tangled emotions onto the paper without even bothering to make complete sentences. He wrote of anger and confusion and betrayal and longing and lust and need and that damned yearning. He wrote until the pen snapped in half in his tense fingers, and finally felt like he had some clarity.

Frieza calmly stood up, and with a loud sigh he suppressed himself back into his first form, pulled on his armor, and carefully vaporized every scrap of note paper. Once he was confident no traces of his written rant remained he took his book out of his bag and pulled the baseball card he’d been using as a bookmark from between its pages. Looking at the photo, he shook his head. He’d keep it as both a reminder and a warning to never allow himself to become so emotionally entangled with another person again.

With another sigh he slipped it down his collar so that it would be held between his body and the armor, and left the room. The divine beings were likely waiting for their breakfast.

- - -

“Thanks, Whis. Sorry about all of this… I didn’t mean to waste your time.” Yamcha and the angel stood on the roof of his apartment. As soon as they’d reached Earth he immediately lowered his Ki- the last thing he wanted right now was for Goku to show up demanding a fight.

“Oh no, don’t you worry, you’re a most fascinating case, it’s been my pleasure getting to know you,” Whis replied. “Even if you’ve decided against pursuing godhood, know that I’d be happy to train you any time. You’ve broken every expectation of what a human should be capable of. I hope that, whether it’s with myself or on your own, you continue to develop your skills as a warrior.”

“I plan to, although it won’t be the same without Frieza… it wasn’t just our resonance, I really think I fought harder when I had him at my side.” His expression switched from wistful to intense, and he advanced on Whis. “Hey, make sure you take care of him, alright? Train him hard, but don’t let Beerus kill him. Despite the temper, and the sarcasm, and questionable morals, he’s a really, really special person.”

Whis chuckled. “We’ll see. I suppose I should head back now, he’ll be waking up soon, if he hasn’t already, and I’m intrigued by the notion of the sort of meal he’ll cook for our breakfast without your assistance!” He paused, an odd smile on his face. “You know, while resonating pairs like yourself and Frieza are immensely rare, there’s one universe where they seem to naturally occur with a higher frequency than any other.”

“Really?”

“That’s right. Universe 2. They call it something else though, and I’ve never seen even there a set that resonated as well as you two do. If you do reunite with Frieza at some point, you should ask him about it. They were of course participants in the Tournament of Power, and Universe 2’s warriors, as well as their god of destruction, are a rather… memorable bunch.”

“I hope I’ll get the chance to,” Yamcha smiled a little sadly. “Thanks again, Whis! Don’t be a stranger!”

- - -

“Tien! I found your phone!” Chiaotzu rushed over to his best friend, handing him the device. “It was on kitchen counter, I’m not sure how we missed it.”

“Thanks Chiaotzu.” Tien had been doing his morning stretches, but paused just long enough to glance at his phone as the smaller man left the room. He rarely used it, but figured he’d at least see if it needed charging after going missing for several days- “Oh?” Texts from Yamcha!

He read the thread, and shook his head, smiling a little. “Frieza, huh? Can’t say I didn’t see that as a possibility… I guess I never had a chance.” He slowly typed and sent a reply.

No judgement here. If he’s what would make you happy, then pursue him. Frieza might be evil but he isn’t an idiot, and only an idiot would turn you down. If you need to talk, I’m willing to listen.

Resuming his stretches he thought things over. How ironic, the ‘straight’ guy he’d spent years quietly being in love with turns out to not be so straight after all, yet he’s still out of reach. “If Yamcha found the strength to finally move on from Bulma… maybe it’s time I move on from him, too.”

- - -

Breakfast wasn’t a complete disaster, although it was hardly a rousing success by any stretch, either. But it was food. Frieza delivered the majority of it to the divine beings, then returned to the kitchen to eat his own, alone. Without Yamcha here to help (as well as talk to and flirt with) the chore was an utterly joyless drag, and he took no satisfaction in the meal as he consumed it. The coffee had turned out nicely at least. The emperor sipped it and wondered how long it would be until he’d get another chance to drink espresso.

If he stuck with his plan of destroying the Earth the moment he became a god then likely never.

Saving Launch first was still obvious, but what about Yamcha? From a tactical standpoint, he’d be an excellent addition to his army- he was strong and creative, even charismatic enough to make a good candidate to command the Frieza Force while its namesake was busy with the grander work of being a god. But after what he did today…

Seducing Frieza into becoming attached, then leaving because he thought he knew better than the emperor himself did as to what it would take to achieve his dream…

“Ugh!” Appetite lost, he flung his remaining food into the trash and his bowl into the sink. Unsurprisingly it shattered.

As this happened, in a separate room the divine beings ate their meals.

“Well, it’s nothing special, but he can operate a rice cooker at least,” Whis sighed as he and Beerus ate breakfast.

“Having Yamcha leave is concerning for more than just our mealtime’s sake,” Beerus replied, yawning and picking unenthusiastically at his own bland meal. “Our little bet didn’t include room for this possibility, and you and I both know we never intended to actually make Frieza a destroyer…”

“At least while he’s here and training our obstinate emperor is behaving.”

“How long will that last? Eventually we’ll paint ourselves into a corner and he’ll demand either we fulfill the promise of godhood or he’ll leave and use any skill he picks up here to cause further trouble for the cosmic balance, especially if he reunites with Yamcha. The two of them together, with enough time and training, could be strong enough to take me down!”

“Oh, I don’t know,” the angel’s smiled condescendingly at his god. “I’m still fully convinced Frieza will give up chasing divinity to pursue a relationship with Yamcha-“

“With that human gone? Doubtful. Now that they won’t be in a constant state of sexual tension I’m sure he’ll recommit fully to his plans-“

“His heart is already wavering, I’m certain of it, however…” Whis’s tone turned serious, “there is still the issue of what they’ll do from here. Let’s just hope one man’s heroic nature is enough to bend the other’s evil, and not the other way around.”

“While I’ll admit to having grown to like them both, if it comes down to it, I’m ready to do what I have to do as a destroyer to preserve balance, even if it means killing the two of them.” Beerus shoveled the last of his poorly seasoned rice into his mouth and stood up, stretching. “For now, I think that’s enough chores for Frieza for the moment. I’m going to train him myself again today.”

- - -

Yamcha showed up at the door to Tien’s dojo looking like a lost puppy dog, so of course his old friend welcomed him in. He joined the students for that morning’s training exercises, and once everyone paused for a mid day lunch break, the two veteran martial artists sat down on the steps to chat.

“So you’ve fallen for Frieza, huh? I’m going to hold back any judgement based on his character for the time being, but are you sure it’s love?”

“Yeah… completely. I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone, not even Bulma when things were at their best with her.” He heaved a sigh and leaned back.

“Then I’m not sure why you’re acting so depressed. Shouldn’t you be happy to have moved on? Is it because he’s a bad guy?” Tien tried to be supportive for Yamcha’s sake, but he wasn’t really sure what to say- this was a topic he was fairly clueless on.

“That’s not it… I want him to turn good, obviously, but even if he continues to be a villain, well, I feel what I feel. The problem is I can’t be with him. He’s off with Lord Beerus and Whis training to be a god right now, and I was training with them-“

“Wait, you were training as a potential destroyer?!”

“Yeah, pretty badass, huh?” Yamcha laughed sadly. “It was an honor, but honestly, I mostly agreed to it just so I could stay with Frieza a little longer…”

“But? You’re here now, and he isn’t. What happened?”

“Apparently dating would disqualify us, and, uh…” his cheeks turned a little pink and he lowered his voice, “we were having a really hard time not acting on our mutual attraction, and wound up giving in to it-“

“You had sex with Frieza.”

“Y-yep. And made out a bunch. And it was all… it was more exciting and amazing than anything I could have imagined. I mean, geez, I didn’t even know it could be that intense-”

Tien shook his head, embarrassed. “I don’t need details on that. So they found out you were getting physical and made you go home?”

“No, they didn’t figure it out by some complete and total miracle. But since we were struggling to stop ourselves, I figured removing myself to save Frieza from that temptation was really the only thing I could do. It’s his biggest goal, his dream, to rule. If I cost him that, how could I say I loved him?”

“Maybe it was worth it to him. It sounds like the feelings were mutual.”

“Nah, just the physical part. He’s made it clear a thousand times that he’s not interested in romance. He just thinks I’m hot.”

Tien could speak from his own experience here, at least. “Listen, just because he says that isn’t something he wants, it doesn’t mean there’s not a special person that could be the exception. You know I’ve never sought out love, but there was one man…”

“Yeah, that mystery guy you’ve been pining for for like, as long as we’ve been friends. Don’t know why you never took your shot with him.”

“Completely oblivious, as always,” Tien muttered, then shrugged. “Actually, you may have inspired me a bit today. If you’re moving on at last from Bulma, maybe I can move on from my desire for this man as well.”

“Hey, that’s awesome, I’m happy for you!” He nudged the other man hard with his elbow. “Hey, does this mean you’re gonna be hittin’ the town to find yourself a special someone? Trying to imagine you asking someone out- I bet your pickup game is even worse than Frieza’s was.”

“No, my primary focus still is and will always be martial arts,” he replied, embarrassed. “Let’s get back on topic, this is about you, not me. The whole reason I brought that up was to demonstrate that even if Frieza wouldn’t normally be looking, you could be the one person he decides is worth it. Did you talk to him before stepping down?”

“Nope, I knew if he asked me to stay I wouldn’t be able to say no. He thinks we can outsmart Lord Beerus and Whis, that they wouldn’t catch on, but it was only a matter of time. I did what I had to.” He sighed and pulled out his phone, opening the photo he’d taken of Frieza when they tried to find him a date at the beach. It was amazing how tense he seemed there, back when this adventure was just beginning. Over time he’d definitely relaxed a bit, seemed happier and smiled more… surely because his dream was getting closer to a reality?

“It sounds to me like you forced his hand. If he did want to actually date you-“

“Why would he?” Yamcha leaned forward and covered his face with his hands. “He’s one of the most powerful beings in the universe- like, both physical strength, and influence, and finances, and basically everything- and he’s smart, cunning, gorgeous, and fully focused on his goals… he’s not gonna risk it all, or worse, give it up, for some pathetic half retired human hero who doesn’t even really know what he wants. Compared to him I’m nothing.”

“Stand up, Yamcha!” Tien barked the command so suddenly and with such force that the other man flinched.

“Why?”

“Because it sounds like I’m going to need to talk some sense into you using a language that I’m far better with than words. On your feet!”

He hesitantly stood. “I’m not in the mood for a pep talk, man-“

“Good, because this won’t be one. This will be a battle. Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself and come at me!”

As the dojo’s students started to come back from their break and found their master locked in combat with Yamcha, they all surrounded the training ring, eager to watch two martial artists of such incredible skill show their mastery of the craft.

Yamcha kept calm, but he was struggling. He hadn’t realized he’d grown so reliant on the resonance that he was failing to properly control his Ki without feeling Frieza’s to match it to. Tien was fully on the offensive, each strike quick and focused, nothing held back. He put his full weight behind each blow, and they hurt!

“Come on! We all heard about how you were able to go toe to toe with Goku. Where’s that confidence and strength now?!”

Barely sidestepping to avoid another full power punch, Yamcha replied, “it was easy when I had Frieza here, even if he wasn’t close by just being able to feel him on the planet-“

“You’re making excuses. If you can’t focus without him then you’re just dead weight, but we both know you’re better than that!”

Dead weight? That was the last thing he wanted to be. He wanted…

What he really wanted… more than anything…

“I don’t wanna be dead weight. I want to be strong!”

“How strong?” Tien demanded, then flew up over the ring and brought his hands together, thumbs and fingers making a roughly triangular shape.

“Strong enough to protect what matters! Strong enough to be…”

“To be what?”

“To be worth loving!” Yamcha drew back his arms, brought his hands together, and began charging up a Kamehameha.

In the aftermath, Tien, his clothing covered in small tears and burns, smiled at his former crush. “You look like a changed man, Yamcha.”

Yamcha looked at his hands for a moment, his aura still sparkling, then clenched them into fists and powered back down. “It’s a good thing I found my confidence, had your Neo Tri-beam hit it might have blown away the whole dojo!”

“I knew you’d manage something.”

He grinned. “Heh, thanks for having faith in me, and pushing me like that.”

“Well?” Tien prompted. “Did you learn anything from our bout?”

“Yeah, yeah I did. I can be strong, and I can both find that strength on my own, and use my feelings to inspire it. I’m not scared that I’m unworthy of Frieza anymore… I don’t know if he loves me like I do him, but when he and I meet again, I’m not gonna be afraid to tell him I wanna be more than friends.”

“You’re quite the guy, Yamcha,” Tien smiled. “Now, watching our fight seems to have really lit a fire in my students, would you be willing to honor us by joining me today as a guest instructor?”

“For sure! Anything to help, I owe you some serious gratitude now that you’ve smacked some sense into me! Let’s do this-… wait… do you feel that?”

“Yes, that massive energy- it’s him, isn’t it? Guess you’ll have to come join me here for that instructor session some other time.”

“Yeah… Thanks again! I gotta go!” Yamcha flew off at full speed.

- - -

“Down again, Frieza?” Beerus sneered. “If I’m not mistaken you’ve spent more time on your back in the dirt than on your feet today. Are you even trying?”

The emperor pushed himself back into a standing position, wiping the dust from his horns with a disdainful swipe of his fingers. “Of course I’m trying! But now I’m getting serious!” He was beyond pissed off at this point, and shot several dozen Death Beams in a row at the destroyer, who neatly dodged each one before rushing in and landing a spinning kick that once again had the smaller man slammed to the ground.

“Damn it all…” his nails carved deep trenches in the soil beneath them as he once again stood. He’d had it with these pointless rules! The only reason he was at such a disadvantage was that they wouldn’t let him use his more powerful forms for training! Was this what being a god would be like, just dancing to someone else’s whims? They even had to create that ridiculous and unnecessary regulation against dating that made Yamcha think he couldn’t stay here…

“Damn it all!” He repeated, holding his palm over the center of his chest. Eyes closed, be let his Ki flare up, focusing on the level of control his former roommate had shown him was necessary to power up without destroying his clothing but instead used it to disintegrate the armor while leaving the baseball card he’d been carrying intact- to his delight it worked other than a little bit of singeing around the cardboard’s edges. He held it tightly in one hand and once again manipulated his energy to allow his body to change, bypassing everything in between and going straight to Golden.

“We already made it clear, training will be most beneficial if you stay in your weaker state and focus on technique-“

Frieza ignored the destroyer, and took a quick look at the photo on the card again. He might not have that Earthling knack for feeling and manipulating Ki, but if he focused on how he felt when he was with Yamcha… that burning in his chest that left his heart pounding when they met eyes or touched skin… he could almost feel his hand, large and warm, in his own, and with it, the resonance. He struck fast while Beerus was still speaking, catching him completely off guard before managing to kick him so hard he was sent out into space and out of the emperor’s view. Chuckling, he returned to his usual form.

Beerus flew back quickly, just in time to hear Frieza casually explaining to Whis, “I demand to be brought back. I’ve grown bored playing your little game here. I’m not made for playing by anyone’s rules but my own. I’d like to go home now.”

“Home, you say? You’d like to return to your ship?”

He crossed his arms, shook his head, and replied confidently, “No, home. To Yamcha.”

“You can’t just come here and disrespect a destroyer like this!” Beerus raised his arm, ready to completely erase Frieza- but Whis waved his staff and instead a bucket containing a sponge, several brushes and rags, and a bottle of all purpose cleanser appeared in the god’s hand. “What?!”

“I believe you have some bathrooms to clean,” the angel said cheerfully. He ignored his companion’s howl of rage as he stomped off and instead turned his attentions back to Frieza. “I’ll be waiting right here, go get your things and we’ll be off!”

As Whis made the trip back to Earth for the second time that day, he smiled over his shoulder at Frieza. The alien was completely ignoring him, dragged along by hooking his tail around the angel’s waist, continuing to stare at the card.

The emperor glared at the slightly damaged cardboard. What was it about Yamcha, anyway? Frieza had been so angry at him all day, and yet all he wanted right now was to see him again. He wondered why this man had such an odd effect on him, why he felt such a strong attraction, why he felt this odd mix of emotions and needs that could only be met by being close-

Despite being such a fan of poetry, it took him a surprisingly long time to see the obvious. Once he finally did, he cringed and covered his face. “Oh my goodness… how mortifying…”

This overwhelming feeling had to be love.

He was falling in love with Yamcha.

In front of him, Whis’s smile widened.

Once they at last landed on the roof of the Earthling’s apartment building, the angel asked, “so then, what’s your plan from here? Have you given up on your dream?”

“Of course not, I’ve merely changed the avenue by which I intend to achieve it. I’ll find my own path to complete dominance, and I’ll do it with his help, not yours.”

“My, we’ll just have to see how that goes, won’t we? Ta ta!”

Alone again, Frieza went inside, set down his bag, then took a seat out on the balcony to wait. Sure enough, he could feel it rapidly increasing- that change in his energy caused by the resonance. He smiled despite his best efforts and stood up, heart pounding, as Yamcha landed and rushed to his side.

“Frieza, you’re back! What happened?” He asked, grabbing his hands and looking so endearingly happy to see him. Had he somehow became even more gorgeous in their day apart? Still, he forced himself to scowl and swung his tail low, knocking the human’s legs out from under him. “Hey, what was that for?!”

“That was for trying to decide what’s best for myself without consulting with me,” he replied coldly.

The taller man got back up and laughed a little. “Okay, I guess I kinda deserved that, but I was only trying to help you! Did you seriously come all the way back to Earth just to smack me?”

“Not at all,” The emperor replied with a shrug and an airy wave of his tail. “I simply decided that having to play by someone else’s rules had grown tiresome. It’s not in my nature to obey anyone but myself. If striving for godhood means I have to do as I’m told then it’s clearly not for me.”

Yamcha blinked. “But I thought more than anything you wanted to rule over all the universes?”

“That is still my goal, I’m simply working toward it the same way I always have- through my own strength. I intend to return to space and rebuild my army while continuing to train and hone my own remarkable capabilities. And that leads me to the main reason I’ve returned.” He squeezed Yamcha’s hands and took a step closer. “As I said, I won’t follow anyone else’s path. Beerus and Whis thought I should do chores and follow rules to obtain power? And you… you thought you could just step out of my life? I’ll reject both of your assessments of how I should proceed and instead propose my own.”

He could tell Yamcha was confused as to where this was going, and as he looked into his warm, dark, questioning eyes those uncomfortably powerful emotions filled him yet again. He tried to swallow them and continue to speak in a business-like tone even as he got down to the real bones of his request. “I want you to come with me and be my second in command. We truly are stronger than anything and anyone when we work together.” He let go and took a step back, folding his arms but keeping his eyes on his companion. “I must confess, the Frieza Force has became something of an embarrassment thanks to the time it spent under poor leadership while I was in hell, but between the two of us I’m certain we can bring it back and make something more fearsome and effective than the galaxies have ever previously bowed to. We won’t need the assistance of Beerus or Whis or any of them. We’ll conquer Universe Seven the old fashioned way, then move forward to do the same for the rest.”

“Frieza… heh, I knew you’d offer me a job eventually, but-” the human said after a stunned moment.

“You’ll say yes, won’t you?” The alien pressed, “you’ll want for nothing, and… while you may be aggravating, and difficult, and annoyingly talented, I’ve come to truly enjoy your company.” He waited, keeping his expression and body language as casual as possible while inwardly begging the taller man to agree.

“Honestly, more than anything, I want to be at your side. So…” He gently placed his hands on Frieza’s shoulders. “I’ll follow you to space, I’ll serve as part of your forces, I’ll commit my full power toward your goals- but there’s two things I have to ask of you first.”

“And those would be?” The emperor asked cautiously.

“See, the thing is, that one date we had, and what it lead to, well,” Yamcha scratched his head and laughed nervously, but tried to remember the confidence in himself that he’d so recently regained. “It was all so good that I don’t care if it was the product of an attempt at deceiving Lord Beerus and Whis. I wanna date you, for real this time. And I don’t just mean all the amazing physical stuff we’ve gotten into together.” He held back out a hand, swallowed hard, stood up straight, and continued, “I want you to grant me the honor of letting me be your boyfriend.”

“Wait a moment. So even after all of this, and learning I have no intention of giving up on rule… y-you wish to pursue a proper romance with me?” Frieza asked. His usual composure was no where to be found- his eyes were wide and he was blushing hard. Yamcha hoped it was a good sign… it was too cute. Slowly, he raised one of his pale hands and took the human’s offered one. “I suppose if there’s anyone in these universes that’s worthy of my time, it would be you, so… I will make an exception, this once. Yes, Yamcha, I’ll agree to that.”

The human pulled him into his arms, shaking from the sudden adrenaline rush of it all. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I’ll work my ass off to be the best boyfriend possible for you! You won’t regret this!”

Feeling his warmth surrounding him like this was somehow even better than it had felt before. Any lingering doubts as to exactly what he was feeling for this man were gone- but Frieza pulled himself back together and firmly pushed him back a step. “Wait just one more moment. You stated there were two things you wanted to ask before you agreed to come to space with me. What was the second?”

Yamcha pushed his hair back. “I wanted to ask for some time- like, maybe six months? Give me a chance to get my things in order, but also give yourself a chance to see what Earth can be like like when you’re experiencing it on your own terms. You don’t have to keep training with Goku if you don’t wanna, heck, you don’t even have to see him! You can drink espresso and wine and eat sushi, and hang out with Launch, and read, and maybe for the first time in your life let yourself relax a little? And I can show you all the best things this place has to offer! Plus, you know…” he leaned in and lowered his voice, “I can break the lease here and get us a bigger apartment with our own bedroom so we can have privacy whenever we want it, if you catch my drift.”

“Ah, of course,” the alien replied, vividly aware of what privacy for the two of them would mean. Yamcha gently took his hands again and continued.

“If at the end of the six months you still want to go back to your old life, and still want me to join you, I’ll come along without question. But maybe in that amount of time you’ll fall in love like I have-“ he flinched and quickly added, “with Earth I mean! You’ll fall in love with Earth like I have, aheh.”

“Is that really what you meant?” Frieza asked, even though it was abundantly clear what the other’s original and intended meaning had been. So Yamcha loved him too? Despite a lifetime of aversion to the concept of being loved, the very idea filled him with that same indescribable yearning until it felt like his heart would explode. Were things going to be this intense and confusing as long as they stayed together? Oddly… he didn’t think he’d mind that.

“Of course,” he replied with an awkward laugh. “Anyway, I won’t lie, it’ll be my goal to convince you to stay with me on this planet, but in the end, I just want to be with you. So what do you say? I won’t even expect you to be a hero or anything like that- although if you go around indiscriminately killing I know my friends would step in, so it would be way easier if you didn’t, so, uh, maybe try and be be casually evil instead of actively evil or something-“

“You’re rambling at this point, you know,” Frieza cut him off, then closed his eyes. Six months more on Earth? Hardly ideal, but… he’d be with Yamcha. Whatever was going on up in space would just have to wait a bit longer. He reopened them and stared at his new boyfriend’s hopeful, nervous, handsome face. “Alright then. It would be my pleasure to agree to the first of your terms, and I suppose I can begrudgingly accept the second.”

“Yes!” He was immediately showered with kisses. “Thank you so much! I’m gonna do everything I can to make you as happy as you make me, I promise it!”

It was an odd moment for the emperor… he didn’t like Earth. He didn’t like Son Goku’s friends. He didn’t like affection, or romance, or PDA. He didn’t like compromise. He’d lived nearly his entire life without intimacy… yet here he was in the contradictory state of knowing all of that, and still feeling it all, yet being overwhelmingly, wholeheartedly happy. He decided to stop worrying about it and instead wrap his arms and tail around the human who’d gotten into his head and heart. His boyfriend. Such a silly word, but he liked what it represented.

End Chapter Seventeen: Just To Be With You

Author’s Note: Close to the end now… Frieza has decided to give up on being a god and instead stay a mortal with Yamcha, they’re boyfriends now, and Beerus is scrubbing toilets. What will happen over the next six months? Will they stay together, and if so will it be on Earth as heroes or in space as villains? And on the subject of space, how much worse will the mystery situation up there get in half a year? We’ve almost made it to the end, please stick with me! Sorry this chapter wasn’t the best, I couldn’t get it to flow like I wanted and my brain is breaking trying to fix it.

This next chapter might take a little longer as it’s gonna be, well, long. Might even have to split it into two, but I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that. Plus life outside writing has me exhausted. But I’m throwing all my mental energy at this dang fic because it’s been my mental escape through everything.

Again, those of you who’ve taken the time to honor me with any manner of feedback, THANK YOU, especially with how long this fic turned out to be. Thanks so much!

Chapter Text

Take A Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Eighteen: I’d Do Absolutely Anything For You

“Frieza!” Yamcha pushed through the door and ran to the alien’s side. “Are you okay?! …and what’s with that form?”

Frieza leaned back on the uncomfortable looking (and far too tiny for the substantial size of his massive second form) cot he’d been sitting on, crossed his legs, and smiled at his companion. “Oh, you can imagine, I’m sure.”

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” He sighed. “Now let’s go! We’ve only got a minute to make our escape!”

“Whatever am I to do? I’d be delighted to make a jail break, but alas, I find myself in shackles.” He held up his arms, waving around the handcuffs that barely fit his massive wrists as though they were fine jewelry he wanted to show off.

“Stop playing around, we gotta go, like, now!” Yamcha grabbed his boyfriend’s arm and ran back out the door, dragging him behind him, relying on his incredible speed to get past the police and security cameras as he dodged his way through the station, pausing only to toss the key to Frieza’s former holding cell to an exasperated looking Krillin. “Thanks, and sorry, I’ll make sure this won’t happen again!”

“It had better not. If it does, I’m not calling you, I’m calling Goku and Vegeta!”

The alien just laughed at that.

“So what happened to being ‘casually evil’ instead of ‘actively evil,’ huh?” Yamcha demanded as they flew back home to West City.

Easily breaking the handcuffs and tossing them over his shoulder, Frieza shrugged. “I thought this counted as such. After all, I made no efforts to resist capture.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll give you credit for that. But seriously, robbing a bank?! Did Launch put you up to this?!”

“I have no intentions of snitching on my dear accomplice-“

“That’s a yes then. As soon as we’re back at the apartment I’m giving her a call and a serious piece of my mind-“

“Don’t be in such a rush to thrust blame on her.” Frieza paused for a moment and switched back to his smaller yet more powerful preferred form before continuing both his flight and his explanation. “She provided invaluable assistance with planning and choosing my target, but it was all my idea.”

“Why though? If you needed money you could have just asked me!”

“Why indeed? It seems we’ll just have to wonder.” His casual smugness as he shrugged his shoulders made Yamcha roll his eyes.

“Of course the universe’s most gorgeous and amazing man would have to be the most difficult one.”

“Well, I’m pleased with today’s outcome,” they landed discretely on the roof of their apartment building, then jumped down to the balcony and headed inside. Once he confirmed they were alone, Frieza slipped an arm around Yamcha’s waist and leaned against him. “You broke me out of lockup rather than insisting I stand trial. There may be hope for you yet, my dear future villain.”

He could never stay mad at his boyfriend, even when he was misbehaving. “And you didn’t kill anyone or even fight back once you were apprehended,” Yamcha replied, his own arms looping around the alien’s shoulders. “That gives me hope for you, my dear future good guy!”

This wasn’t the same apartment they’d originally became roommates in- Yamcha broke that lease a month ago when Frieza agreed to spend some time on Earth with him. The tiny studio had been replaced by a massive four bedroom penthouse that ensured they’d all get their own space. Puar had his bedroom / game room, with room for his consoles and PC as well as a big cozy pile of cushions to sleep on. Yamcha had his gym / trophy room, with his weights and equipment as well as walls decorated with memorabilia from his time playing baseball (he hadn’t previously displayed it, but loved casually showing it off while pretending to be humble about it- Frieza called him out on this, so he gave in and hung it all up in their new home). Frieza had his study / library, with a large desk, couch, laptop, and multiple bookcases full of the many more volumes Yamcha had gifted him featuring other classical poets and playwrights as well as books covering technology, culture, and various other topics that had caught his passing interest.

He was a voracious reader, but his favorite of all of them was still ‘The Complete Works of William Shakespeare’ that he’d been gifted back before they’d became a couple. It lived permanently on his desk top, as putting it away would be a waste of time when he read at least a little from it daily. The lightly damaged signed baseball card had been returned to its prior use as a bookmark.

The master bedroom was where the boyfriends actually slept… and did other things that they preferred to keep out of Puar’s sight. They accidentally broke Yamcha’s previous bed their second night sharing it, so now it contained a massive, comfortable replacement with a reinforced, heavy duty frame that was much better suited to withstanding the passions of two super powered beings.

“Welcome home, you two!” Puar’s voice greeted them cheerfully from the dining room. He was, of course, one of their biggest supporters at this point, and while Frieza would have preferred to live with his partner and his partner alone, he did warm up the slightest bit to the little shapeshifter once he started enthusiastically calling him by his preferred title of ‘Lord Frieza.’

“Seriously though, why do you gotta keep pulling this stuff? Especially when you aren’t even following through on it?” Yamcha asked as they sat down to dinner a minute later.

The alien rolled his eyes. “Boredom is a fate worse than death. When I see an opportunity to do something about it, I do.”

“I might buy that excuse for when you started threatening people at the grocery store the other week, but today’s failed bank heist was obviously planned in advance-“

“This is decent, but not as flavorful as homemade,” Frieza interrupted, speaking to no one as he took another bite of his curry.

“You’re trying to change the subject. You know, I coulda made us dinner if I wasn’t busy coordinating with Krillin to sneak you out of your cell. You have no one to blame but yourself for the takeout.” Despite further prying, he couldn’t get his boyfriend to say anything else about the day’s events, so he gave up. Once the meal was complete, Puar retired to his own room. While Yamcha was doing dishes the emperor slid his tail up and around his shoulders.

“I was thinking I’d read for an hour or so to wind down before bed. Care to join me?”

“Not tonight, gorgeous, I had something I wanted to take care of in town this evening, that cool?”

“I’ll be awaiting your return then,” Frieza replied, glancing around to re-confirm Puar had left before giving him a kiss. While their relationship had became incredibly physical, with the exception of the deliberately excessive PDA at the vow renewal the alien still was averse to doing anything other than basic touching in front of others- kissing was still a sex act in his eyes, after all… and one of his favorites.

Alone in his study afterwards, he sat as his desk, running his fingers slowly over the binding of his favorite book. Five more months of this… he could endure it. It was nothing compared to the years he spent in Earth’s hell, and unlike then, he could move, he could read, he could eat and drink… and most importantly of all…

He had Yamcha. That indescribable happiness that he felt when he was with that man could get him through anything. These last weeks had cemented what he already suspected- Frieza was definitely in love. There was simply no other explanation for the overpowering way he felt.

No plans to say as such, of course. Unlike his boyfriend he didn’t feel comfortable sharing such vulnerable words.

When Yamcha confessed his own love for Frieza it was their first official night as boyfriends- he blurted it out in bed, then was so adorably embarrassed as he stammered about how he hadn’t meant to say so so soon and how he didn’t want the emperor to feel pressured or anything. Considering he’d already more or less accidentally admitted it earlier that day he was able to laugh it off, telling him “it’s been obvious. I’ve long since figured it out,” before covering his mouth with his own and going right back to consummating their new relationship. Still, hearing it said so bluntly made the alien’s heart race.

For his human, he’d continue to more or less behave a little longer, but… it was so hard to ignore certain needs and tendencies that his villainous nature had blessed him with.

He picked up his phone and unlocked it (he’d figured out how to add a passcode after the embarrassment before the vow renewal), then swiped his way through his photos with a sigh. They were nearly all of Yamcha, unsurprisingly, or the two of them together.

It would have been so convenient if the man he’d developed such a passion for shared his darker view of the world, but oh well. Hero or not, he couldn’t help how he felt about Yamcha. “Just five months… then I’ll rule space with him at my side…”

After a few moments more of looking at pictures, then some idle reminiscing on the day’s fun little criminal adventure, he finally opened one of his books and actually started reading.

- - -

“Thank you so much for letting me drop by, I know it’s late-“

“Don’t worry about it, I’m a night owl anyway,” Launch, conveniently Blonde, opened the door to her apartment and let Yamcha in. “Make yourself at home. I’ve got half of a pizza left over if want any of that-”

“Nah, not this time. I’m not here for a relaxed hang out. I needed to ask you about something important,” he explained grimly as he headed to the kitchen and grabbed himself a beer from the fridge. Over the past month they’d gone from ‘friends by virtue of sharing a few adventures years ago’ to fairly close thanks to her being his boyfriend’s best friend, which meant they’d spent enough time in one another’s homes to know they were always welcome to the contents of one another’s kitchen.

“Lemme guess,” she asked, smirking as she poured herself some whiskey. “This is about Frieza’s little heist today, right?”

“Yep, exactly. If you want him staying on Earth then why the heck are you encouraging this?” He crossed his arms, annoyed by her amusement.

“Of course I want him to stick around, but I don’t want the guy to be miserable!” She sat down, tossing her glass between her hands yet somehow not spilling a drop. “Nothing wrong with a little mischief to keep him from losing his touch-“

“There’s everything wrong with it! Two failed attempts at criminal behavior and it’s only been a month- if he keeps this up he’ll either wind up succeeding, which means someone will get hurt, or he’ll cause enough trouble that the Saiyans will decide he’s not welcome on this planet anymore, and… I don’t wanna live without him.”

“You’d really go bad if it was the only way to keep him, huh? Damn… Mad respect for that level of commitment.”

“I don’t know if it makes me selfish, or a hypocrite, or both, but yeah, I most definitely would.” He stared at the condensation slowly forming on the side of his beer, frowning. “I love him, and my love for him is much greater than my love for this planet- Hey! Would you take this seriously?!”

She’d been snickering behind her hand. “You’re being sooooo dramatic though, how can I help it?”

“Forget it.” He stood up. “I’m going home. Just… can you please not encourage him in this bad guy stuff?! It isn’t helping anything!”

“Geez, Yamcha, you do realize why he needs to do this, right?” Launch sighed.

“Because he’s a villain and too stubborn to change,” he replied without even turning back around.

“Nope. You might love the guy, but you sure as hell don’t see what makes him tick do ya?”

Yamcha froze with his hand on the half turned doorknob. “…meaning what, exactly?”

“Sit back down, okay? Lemme give you a peak into your BFs brain for a sec.”

Sighing he did so. “Okay, I’ll listen.”

“You’re the nicest guy and you’re no idiot, but I swear some things go right over that pretty boy head of yours. Still, surely even you know that Frieza’s got a sadistic side, am I right?”

“Obviously. Everyone knows that. I make sure he has an appropriate outlet for it!” Realizing what he admitted, he blushed heavily and took a big drink of his beer. Launch shrugged it off.

“Yeah, I know, you two are both naughty boys and like your rough sex- eww, seriously?!” She grabbed a paper towel and threw it at Yamcha, who’d sprayed beer from his mouth to the table.

“You two talk about our sex life?!”

“We talk about everything, including that. No secrets between besties… or more accurately he seriously won’t shut up once you get enough wine into him,” she snickered. “I know all about your shared bondage kink, Frieza’s uh, ‘oral fixation,’ how he tends to get real cuddly and pass out in your arms afterwards, and way more than I needed to know about the things you like to do with his tail-“

“Okay geez I get your point!”

“What I’m sayin’ is, even if you let him manhandle you a bit during foreplay-“

“It’s not just that! I also encourage him to keep going to train with Goku but he almost never does!”

Launch sipped her whiskey and shook her head. “It’s not about violence. It’s about fear.”

“Huh?”

“Thing is, you n’ Goku aren’t scared. Think about it, he’s gone his entire life with pretty much everyone that sees him being scared of him. Then he’s living on Earth and no one knows who he is or even looks his way, ‘cept for the ones like you and Goku and Vegeta who don’t think he’s a threat to them. That messes up his entire sense of self, and no amount of fun times sparing or throwing you into bed is gonna replace what he’s missing.”

“I dunno about that,” Yamcha leaned back in his chair and scratched his head. “I spent a few important years with everyone but Puar terrified of me, and while I won’t pretend I didn’t get a rush out of being a bandit, and maybe even miss it a little sometimes, I was able to go straight. I think Frieza’s just making trouble because you’re being a bad influence.”

“Hah! If that was the case, the customers of the Satan City Bank would be crying over their empty accounts-“

“Nope, that’s just because he screwed it up. Krillin told me what happened, Frieza didn’t know there was a silent alarm so he didn’t disable it before going in, then spent too long threatening the tellers and making ‘villain speeches’ so the cops had plenty of time to get there before he’d bothered to rip the vault door open.”

“Oh Yamcha, you’re adorable. You’re forgetting he had an accomplice on this.” Her smirk was back in full force as she tossed back the rest of her drink. “Frieza was perfectly aware of the silent alarm because I was there about to cut the wire. He told me not to.”

“So you were there! You should have stopped him-“

“Man, you are not listening. Like I said, he didn’t want to run a successful robbery. He just craved the drama. To see what it felt like to command a room with his terrifying presence again. If I had my way trust me, we’d have been in and out so fast even Krillin couldn’t get there quick enough to stop us. Not only did he not take a dime, he didn’t spill a drop of blood. He even distracted everyone so I could escape and he could take the fall on his own!”

“Now I’m just confused,” Yamcha sighed. She got up and patted his shoulder.

“Cheer up, buddy. You’re the reason he’s not killing. You’re also why he switches forms when he makes his mischief- he wanted to be sure he didn’t cause any trouble for you by having anyone recognize the bank robber as being the guy who wound up on a second rate gossip site last week for that photo of you two holding hands.”

“Ugh, that… I hate that I was a bachelor for so long that the paparazzi think it’s worth wasting film on me every time I so much as touch another person,” Yamcha muttered. “Anyway, you’ve got a point that he’s half behaving, or at least trying to avoid making me mad at him. Maybe you’re even right about him needing to have people see him as scary again, too. But can’t you try and push him to stay inside the lines like you do rather than encourage him to step out of them?”

“Y’all only think I behave cuz I’m smart enough these days not to get caught,” she laughed. He hoped she was kidding. “But here’s the thing. Frieza’s great. I freakin’ adore the guy. You know as well as I do what an interesting and fun person he can be.”

“Oh yeah, we’re in full agreement there. I wouldn’t be so completely in love if he wasn’t so perfect!”

“That’s why I’m gonna encourage him in this shit, and help ‘im when he needs it. I’m not gonna tell him to spend half a year sitting around the apartment reading while he waits for you to come home and fuck him senseless. He’s not a happy camper with so little going on, even with as thrilled as he is to have you in his life. He can’t go from power and terror and doing and having whatever he wants to that without losing his mind a little.”

“Now you’re making me feel like a jerk, but I don’t know what else to do… I just keep hoping a switch will flip in his brain and he’ll realize he’s happy on Earth before these months end, but if he keeps up the troublemaking he might not even live that long… Wait!” Yamcha sprang to his feet and grabbed Launch’s shoulders excitedly. “I’ve got it! I just need to find Frieza some more hobbies! Things that will get him out of the apartment for stuff other than our dates! Things that will keep him so busy he won’t have time to worry about his evil urges!”

She pushed him off of her. “If you think that’ll work, well, good luck. If nothing else it’ll buy some time, but sooner or later his sadistic need to see people scared shitless is gonna come out again-“

“Geez, never took you for such a negative person!” He laughed, his mood completely flipped from his prior gloomy irritation to a friendly, yet slightly desperate, optimism. “Thanks for the chat! Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna rush home, make love to my gorgeous boyfriend, then tomorrow morning find him some awesome and totally wholesome hobbies!” He rushed out the door laughing. Launch sighed and locked it behind him.

“Yeah… good luck with that.”

- - -

Frieza woke up the following morning in his usual way, fully buried under the blankets. Yawning, he extended his tail and felt around the bed, but it seemed Yamcha had already gotten up. Since they’d started properly dating the human had turned into a late riser, rarely wanting to extract himself from the bed until his boyfriend had woken up… likely because the man’s passion never seemed to be fully sated, and even after spending a night together his favorite way to start the day was bringing them both to absolute bliss.

He slipped out of the sheets, took a quick shower, and did a few equally quick stretches before he headed to the kitchen. He could hear their recently purchased espresso maker finishing its cycle and smiled a bit- doubtless Yamcha had heard the shower shut off and started it for him. The man was incredibly thoughtful when it came to tending to his needs.

“Good morning, my love!” Yamcha, apparently in a fantastic mood, was pouring the aforementioned drink then brought it to the alien. Immediately he noticed something else-

“You look exhausted, perhaps you need this more than I do?” Frieza commented after accepting the espresso and observing the dark circles under his partner’s eyes. “How long have you been awake?”

“Hey, don’t even worry about it, I’ve had plenty, and it’s not like I’ve been awake that long,” he said with his fingers crossed behind his back. He’d been up for hours desperately researching ways to keep Frieza’s mind off of his darker ambitions. While at points it seemed hopeless, he thought he’d found a winner. “So I just happened to be thinking about something and wanted to run it by you.” He slapped a print out down on the table.

“Oh…?” Frieza sat down, picked up the paper, and frowned at it, “…’continuing education?’ What is this, exactly?”

Yamcha sat down next to him, pulling his chair close so that their knees were touching. “You know we’ve got that big university over in Satan City, right? Aside from offering degrees they also allow non degree seeking students to sign up for single classes on topics that interest them. Puar took some coding courses there a couple years back, and I took a public speaking class once-“

“Public speaking? It’s difficult to see you as someone who would need instruction on that,” Frieza said teasingly. He’d accused the human of loving the sound of his own voice on more than one occasion, not that he minded, as he always enjoyed listening to him even when his tendency to ramble on about things of little consequence kicked in.

“Eh, I mostly did it to try and meet some new people back when I was single.”

“And did it work?”

“Sorta. Met this cute girl that wanted me to be her study partner. It wasn’t until the last day of class when one of her friends yelled at me for leading her on the whole time that I realized she was waiting for me to ask her out-“

Frieza laughed so hard he nearly spilled his espresso. “Oho! My dear, dear Yamcha, you’ve truly always been oblivious. Well, her loss was my gain so I suppose I’m grateful for your inability to pick up on ‘interested’ signals.”

“I beat myself up bad for a while after that one, but now?” He leaned in so that their foreheads were touching and smiled as he looked into those gorgeous red eyes, “Now I look back fondly on every failure that left me single when you came into my life. I coulda settled for ‘cute’ but instead after years of loneliness I managed to snag ‘perfect’ and I couldn’t be happier about it.”

“And I appreciate your devotion,” Frieza replied, his voice smooth even though his heart had an annoying tendency to skip beats whenever his Yamcha got like this. “But I clearly don’t need to take a class to learn your simplistic Earthling programing languages, nor am I trying to meet any other potential partners, so I struggle to see why you’re showing me this paper. Were you considering enrolling again?”

“Nah, but I thought maybe you’d like this. They have a four week course on classic western literature, and since you’re such a Shakespeare fanboy, and have been getting into Thomas Middleton and those other dead white guys lately it could be fun for you to take the class, get introduced to some more authors that might be your thing, and even possibly make friends?”

“You know I have absolutely no need for friends-“

“Then what’s Launch, exactly?”

“My favorite.“

“Sounds like a friend to me. And of course, I’m your friend.”

“No, you are…” While he knew the title technically applied, Frieza avoided calling Yamcha his boyfriend. The term was so juvenile, it made them sound like a pair of idiot teenagers giggling and holding hands as they skipped in circles or something equally stupid. It did a disservice to the deep, powerful connection he felt for this man, the indescribable affection that had introduced a strange softness to his once fully hard heart, and the yearning that made him breathless with longing for the moments like this where they could touch. So he looked deep into those dark eyes, so full of warmth, and used the term he preferred. “…you are my dear partner. That said, I see no harm in giving this a try. Anything to pass the time while I wait for you to agree to accept my generous offer to accompany me in conquest.”

Yamcha hadn’t realized how much tension he was holding waiting for that response, but he heaved a sigh of relief. “Sweet! Let’s get over to the campus and sign you up as soon as you’re done eating! The course starts Monday so we’re already cutting it close!”

- - -

The campus was huge, but Yamcha impressed himself with how well he remembered his way around. “That’s the administration building up ahead, we’ll get you enrolled and I’ll pay your admission in there. And see that tall one with the glass windows on the front? That’s the library. You might like it, it’s really nice. They’ve got more books than even you could read in a lifetime.”

Frieza was dressed in what Yamcha had dubbed his ‘retro grunge’ look when he first wore it back before they were a couple. Since he only went out to spend casual time with Launch or for dates with Yamcha he hadn’t felt any real need to expand his wardrobe beyond the old cast offs and his one nice tux. He took an appraising look at the building in question and nodded. “It might be worth exploring. Somehow I doubt you spent much time there during your social effort poorly disguised as an academic pursuit though, so can you really speak for its quality?”

“You know me! But they’ve got a cafe on the top floor with this insane carb bomb of a pasta salad that I got totally hooked on- hey, there’s something else you could enjoy here! Students run on caffeine fueled late nights so I bet the coffee there was something special!”

“Then I’ll expect you to meet me there after my first class and buy it for me.”

He was smiling just slightly, and looking around as though he were curious- Yamcha fought the urge to do a celebratory dance. His plan was working! This would get Frieza willing and interested in spending time around other Earthlings, and with his curiosities piqued and a new focus he’d forget all about being evil! Then once he made more friends and found more things to like about the planet he’d want to stay here and protect the place!

His certainty took a big hit once they reached the lobby of the admin building. As he looked over a large framed map trying to remember where the admissions office was located two students walked past and took a seat on a bench just a yard or two away, chatting.

“I think he’s an alien, honestly. You saw the CCTV footage from the bank, right? That guy was massive!”

“Of course I saw it, and maybe you’re right. He was a real monster, I’ve never seen anyone that tall or with horns like that. If I’d been one of the tellers I woulda given him all the money I had just to make sure he didn’t impale me with them!”

Frieza leaned against the wall and gave Yamcha a smug smile. The human just shook his head. The students kept talking, oblivious to the presence of the very criminal they were discussing.

“Definitely the same horned creature that was making all those threats and demands in that grocery store a week or two ago. No one knows yet how he escaped from police custody either! In my online crime enthusiasts’ group we’ve been calling him the ‘Horny Bandit’ and wondering if he’d strike again!”

Despite his apprehension, the taller man burst out laughing at that and had to step out of view around the corner to avoid drawing attention. Frieza naturally followed. “Oh my gawd babe, you’re the ‘Horny Bandit’ now! It’s perfect, I’m gonna start calling you that-“

“You wouldn’t dare!” Frieza advanced on him, pinning him against the wall. Yamcha was still struggling for enough air to speak as he laughed long and hard.

“Ha! Oh yes I would you ‘Horny Bandit!-“

The emperor grabbed his throat and said through gritted teeth, “it suits you much better you know. Maybe I will call you a ‘Horny Bandit’ and see how you feel about it!”

Not at all bothered by the rough handling- this sort of physicality was a running theme in their relationship, and both knew where to draw the line to avoid any actual harm- Yamcha shook his head, smirk unfading. “I may be a retired bandit but you’re the hella ‘horny’ active criminal-“

“Bold of you to call me the ‘horny’ one when you’ve got your hands resting on my tail even as we speak!”

He flinched. “To be technical, only my left hand is on your tail. My right’s on your ass, but I’m not helping my case by admitting it, am I?”

“Bingo.” Frieza let go of his throat, gave the slightly reddened skin the quickest and lightest of kisses, then folded his arms and glared up at his lover. “Now, please remove them. You know how I feel about public displays of affection. Let’s finish what he came here for, alright, my ‘horny bandit?’”

“Call me that all you like, it won’t change the fact that the internet decided that’s your name!” As they headed to the registration office, they walked past the two students who had brought up the topic in the first place. They were still talking about how scary this gigantic, horned mystery criminal was, and Yamcha’s shoulders slumped when he noticed the wistful glance Frieza spared in their direction.

Maybe Launch was right, but even so… he had to keep trying to push the emperor toward the side of good!

- - -

Two days later it was Yamcha that woke to find an empty bed. He’d overslept, so he wasn’t too worried until he got dressed and checked the living room, then the kitchen, then the alien’s study, but still couldn’t find him.

This was really weird… he closed his eyes and felt for his boyfriend’s energy. It was easy enough to find, not only because it was the largest unsuppressed Ki on the planet, but also due to the unique properties of their resonance. He was in town… with a much smaller Ki, one that was almost as recognizable as Frieza’s was to Yamcha. “He’s with Bulma? But Vegeta isn’t there? Geez… I hope Bulma can keep him out of trouble, but why would he be with her?”

The front door opened, and Puar floated in holding the day’s mail. “Good morn- eek!”

Yamcha had moved faster than he intended to and startled his oldest friend. “Hey, do you know what’s up with Frieza today?”

“Bulma swung by early and picked him up an hour ago. They’re going shopping.”

“Shopping? That’s random… Why with her? They don’t even like each other… and they didn’t invite me along?”

“Apparently Launch was saying he needed real clothes instead of cast offs if he’s going to school. Bulma volunteered to bankroll it. She said not to allow you to come along because you have no taste and I told her that was a lie, you’re very very fashionable!”

“…oh no…” Should he go join them to supervise? If he did, Frieza would know it was because he didn’t trust him to not cause mayhem…

He found his phone and sent his boyfriend a text. Please, please behave yourself today. If you make any trouble with Bulma then Vegeta’s gonna freak out.

He sent it, then heard a loud tone from the bedroom. “Of course he forgot his phone. Guess I’ll just have to try and trust him…”

Across town Frieza and Bulma left a chain coffee shop and entered the gigantic shopping mall it was attached to. The alien made a point of holding his coffee close in hopes that its scent would cover his least favorite odor- the lingering monkey stench that clung to Vegeta’s wife. He addressed her in his most formal of tones, hoping to make it clear that they were not on friendly terms. “Ms. Bulma, I understand that your family’s company is responsible for Earth’s most advanced spacecraft, correct? I’m sure that’s made you quite wealthy- is this why you’ve so helpfully volunteered to fund my purchases today?”

Bulma had already half finished her vanilla latte. “You’re right about the ships. My dad and I reverse engineered the tech from the ones the Saiyans used and rebuilt them for our own purposes, but they aren’t a commercial product yet. It’s mainly these little marvels that we can thank for my family’s wealth.” She waved her capsule case then slipped it back in her pocket. “As for today, I’ve been absolutely overwhelmingly curious ever since we had that dinner together- you remember, the day you and Yamcha managed to win a fight against Goku and my husband?- as to how a space emperor would dress. All Vegeta ever wants to wear is his training armor, it’s so boring! So I figure you’ll get clothing and I’ll get entertainment. There’s something else I’m after too, but we’ll get to that in a sec. Anyway, it’s an even trade!”

“Fair enough… But you haven’t brought along any manner of bodyguard. Are you sure it’s safe to volunteer to spend time in my presence without someone considerably stronger than yourself to assist you just in case?”

She stopped walking and narrowed her eyes. “I can handle myself better than you’d guess, you know. And more importantly, you wouldn’t have agreed to this if there wasn’t something bigger than just a new wardrobe that you were hoping to get out of it. If you need me for that, then I figure there’s no where safer to be than near you. Well? …am I right?”

“You are a good bit shrewder than I expected from someone with such atrocious taste in men. You’re correct, you have unique access to information I need, and until I have it, I’ll consider you to be under my protection.”

“Tell me what you need then… we’ll see if I can help.”

“I’ll be a gentleman and let you speak first.” Frieza bowed slightly in a sarcastic display of false respect. “What’s this ‘something else’ you’re after? If you think you can talk me into breaking my agreement with Yamcha and leaving this planet early you’re sorely mistaken. I’m not making my exit until he agrees to come with me, so you’d be better off trying to convince him to vacate Earth if you’re hoping to get rid of me.”

She shook her head. “That’s not it. I wanted to pick your brain on a matter of technology- the ships you were asking about earlier, in fact! Vegeta knew the basics of how to pilot one but that’s about it. I was hoping you were more involved and could help me better understand them so that the ones we’re building here on Earth can make more efficient use of that inherited tech.”

“How fortuitous…” He smiled. “I wanted to discuss the exact same topic. I’m immeasurably curious as to how you’ve modified them for your own purposes. Will you answer my questions if I answer yours?”

“I can do you one better than that. Behave today and I’ll give you a copy of all of our technical documentation. The blue prints, instructions for use, everything.”

“It seems we’ve made a deal. Very well then! We’ll shop, and we’ll talk.” He paused, cast his eyes around the various stores surrounding them, and headed in the direction of a well known luxury retailer. “I hope you weren’t falsely boasting of your wealth… my tastes aren’t cheap.”

She laughed and followed him inside.

Despite the promised documentation, as they shopped over the next few hours he made a point of picking her brain- he didn’t trust her to uphold her end of the agreement, after all. The only person he trusted in the entire universe was himself… well, maybe Yamcha and sometimes sorta Launch too. But certainly not a Saiyan’s spouse! She seemed to enjoy talking tech, and while Frieza was no scientist or engineer he had a broad understanding of the necessary concepts as someone who’d been operating similar crafts for as long as he could remember.

While the subject was up, it was easy enough to get a few other details to slip- like how many operational ships they actually had, where they were stored, and what kind of security protected them. He filed this information away for the time being. In just a few months more, he’d be needing one in order to return to whatever was left of his own fleet…

“So you’re saying you’ve rebuilt the single person space pods that the Saiyans arrived on Earth in into large multi-room ships with space even for training facilities?”

“Yep! They’re practically the space ship equivalent of a luxury yacht at this point! It was in one of those that we pioneered the artificial gravity tech that Vegeta relies on for training, too. It really brings me a thrill of wifely pride every time I see Vegeta step out of his gravity room stronger than ever after a day’s hard work!”

Frieza shuddered. “Ugh. I wish you’d stop finding ways to force your smelly simian spouse into an otherwise pleasant conversation.”

“Hey, maybe you should hold back on the insults when I’m the one holding the credit card!” She snapped in reply. “But you know, just between us… let’s talk about boys for a sec.”

“I prefer our prior conversation on a topic of actual substance, thank you!”

“No, this will be fun, I promise! Besides, it’s lunch time anyway. Let’s put off the rest of the shopping for a minute and grab a bite to eat and have a nice little chat.”

Frieza was pretty hungry- his breakfast had just been coffee, after all, so he agreed. He took one look at the food court and flatly refused to set foot in it, insisting instead that he’d only entertain her banal ‘girl talk’ if he could eat sushi while they did so. As such, a few minutes later they were sitting at the counter of large Japanese restaurant.

“How strange. The little plates of food just sit on continuously moving belt?”

“I’m surprised you haven’t seen it before, this is a pretty popular format for serving restaurant sushi. Does Yamcha not take you out to eat or something?”

“Of course he does, he’d take me out on dates every night if I allowed it. I simply express my preference to either go somewhere I already know I’ll like, or to stay home and enjoy his cooking and company without having to bother with behaving appropriately by the standards of the rest of this backwater planet. Anyway, how does this work?” He gestured vaguely at the conveyer belt.

“It’s easy. You just grab what looks good and at the end the bill is based on your plates.” Bulma waited until Frieza had done so and began eating before saying anything else. The alien might be much politer about it than most of her warrior friends were, but she was sure he burned a similarly high number of calories and had the appetite to match.

It was the right move, and his mood improved a bit as he enjoyed one of his favorite foods. Not quite as good as what he’d had at that other restaurant, and it certainly couldn’t compare to what his partner made, but still. Sushi was sushi, and sushi was delicious. The novelty of the way it was served encouraged him to try a few things that he hadn’t had before but looked interesting. “This roll was particularly nice, I’d like to have it again. Do you know the name of it?”

“Oh that? That’s a spider roll- huh?” Frieza had placed a second piece in his mouth after asking, but quickly spit it back into his napkin. She rolled her eyes. “What, are you taking the name literally or something? There are no actual spiders in that.”

“I was aware of that, obviously,” he lied, “I just changed my mind on what I was in the mood for.”

She saw right through him but changed the topic, leaning in. “So we were gonna chat about boys, weren’t we?” She giggled. “I wanna know why you of all people wanted to get with Yamcha. I’d have thought you’d be looking for nobility or another villain.”

“I wasn’t looking for anyone,” he corrected her, but made no effort to actually answer her question. “I’m not some ‘boy crazy’ simpleton like yourself you know.”

“Yeah, but then you got with Yamcha? Even after you two claimed it was totally legit I still had my doubts that you guys weren’t just trying to pull the wool over Lord Beerus and Whis’s eyes with your date at my vow renewal, but now you’re a real couple and aren’t even training to be a god anymore? It was a pretty sudden switch for a guy you claimed to hate, so can you really blame me for being curious?”

“You aren’t going to take a hint, cease your pointless rambling, and let me enjoy my meal in peace, are you?”

“Nope.”

Frieza sighed, took another bite of his food, and chewed it for an excessively long time just to be sure he was annoying Bulma just as much as she was annoying him before finally speaking. “I wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand this, but strong passions can at times be difficult to tell apart. Anger and hatred can be characterized by an obsessive focus on their target, as well as a physical tenseness when in the presence of that person. The same could be said for attraction, and that can make the line between the two incredibly hard to discern at points, especially if the feelings started as the first before becoming the second.”

“That was surprisingly well put! I totally get it- I went through the same thing with Vegeta actually!”

“I doubt it. That simple and ugly man lacks true depth. He couldn’t inspire emotions even remotely close to what my Yamcha does.”

“Wow. I had no idea you hated Saiyans,” she said sarcastically. “You don’t have to keep dragging my husband every chance you get! But you still haven’t answered what it is about Yamcha.”

It wasn’t worth trying to explain to her, she wouldn’t be able to get it. He barely understood it himself, that compelling warmth and strength of spirit that made his Yamcha so irresistible. “We’ve already established that he’s gorgeous. Surely that’s enough of a reason? And as you so crudely felt the need to yell out at your little party a month or so ago he’s quite the lover. I’ll leave it at that.”

Her eyes widened, then she grinned and leaned in, whispering, “so you two do have sex!”

He flinched, and it was only by reminding himself that he needed her alive to get him those spaceship documents that he managed to keep himself from breaking her neck. “Do you have some sort of compulsion to blurt out inappropriate things so bluntly?!”

“Sorry, I just wasn’t sure. You know, since… since I’ve seen you naked. How does it work, anyway? Do you have another form you switch into, or like are your dangly bits internal when they aren’t in use? Or maybe-“

“Say just one. more. word. and I WILL kill you, our deal be damned!”

Somehow they survived the rest of the meal without Frieza completely losing his patience, and an hour or two after that they were standing on the sidewalk outside the mall. “Geez, you say you don’t understand Earthling fashion, but you definitely know quality,” Bulma said as she shoved the last of the bags (each displaying the logo of a high end retailer) into her vehicle. “I’ll drop all this off at the same tailor that did your tuxedo. I’m sure they’ve still got your measurements, but if not I’ll call Yamcha and ask him to send you over- huh?”

“What is it now?” He demanded. She’d better not be trying to change the subject in hopes he’d forget what she’d promised him!

“I just thought I saw… never mind.”

“You thought you saw what?”

She shrugged. “It’s just a guy was watching us kinda creepily from behind a tree, but he ran off. I thought for a second it was Yamcha, but it must have just been a lookalike. I’m sure he would have came over and said hi if he ran into us, you know?”

“Hmm…” Frieza closed his eyes for a moment. Even without the knack Yamcha and the others had for sensing Ki the resonance helped him to get a fairly decent idea of his partner’s general direction and distance. “You must have been hallucinating. He’s at home. Now, about the documents you promised me?”

Still staring in the direction of the person she thought she’d seen, she shook her head. “I suppose he was just staring because he’d never seen anyone so beautiful before-“

“I do sometimes have that effect on people. Again, the documents? This will be the last time I ask so politely.”

“I was talking about me, thank you very much!” She huffed. “Anyway it’s not like I carry that sort of stuff on me when I’m going shopping! It’s back at the lab. Gimmie your email address and I’ll send it all over once I get home.”

“Fine then! I expect it promptly, as my patience has grown exceedingly thin.” He typed it into her phone’s contacts then flew off without another word.

These are the sorts of people his Yamcha thought he’d eventually like? Even gain a desire to protect? For someone who so enthralled him, that man could truly be a fool sometimes…

Back at the apartment, Yamcha laid on the balcony, breathing heavily. “I got careless at the last second there, Bulma might have saw me… crap.” He’d flown home at top speed arriving in seconds at the expense of pretty much all his energy. He hadn’t been this exhausted since some of his early training sessions before he’d gotten a decent hang of his recent power up.

He shut his eyes and smiled. Sure, spying on them hadn’t been the most ethical thing, but he’d been too worried about what could happen with those two together to just stay home and not quietly supervise from the shadows! “I sure do have a thing for the temperamental type… And even after spending time with a fellow powder keg like Bulma my wonderful, wonderful Frieza stayed fairly calm… There’s potential for good in him, I just know it!”

- - -

“It’s gotten late…” Frieza said drowsily against Yamcha’s chest. “Perhaps it’s time for us to sleep…”

“Heh, I knew you’d be saying that,” the human’s hands had been lingering on a particular part of his boyfriend’s body thanks to what they’d been doing prior to this, but he now moved them, settling with his arms loosely wrapped around the smaller man. “You only get this calm and cuddly when you’re ready to call it a night.”

“Have I grown so predictable over our time together? I hope you won’t bore of me.” He used his tail to pull the blankets up to Yamcha’s chin, covering his own head in the process. He’d wondered how those who were cursed with the need to breathe oxygen could manage to sleep comfortably with their heads out in the breeze like that… People could adapt to anything with lack of a better choice, he supposed.

“That’s not ever gonna happen. You fascinate me, totally and completely…”

“Goodnight then, my Yamcha.” Once again he made use of his tail, slipping it briefly out from under the covers, feeling around until it found the lamp and shut it off, then pulled it back into the warm bed and draped it over the even warmer body of the man who was somehow worth the day’s headaches.

“Goodnight back at you, my Horny Bandit,” he smirked, then tensed himself for the light punch that he knew that comment would earn him- sure enough he was smacked hard in the side. “Hey, still awake?” He asked after a few minutes of quiet.

“Barely.”

“Um, I just wanted to say… Frieza, I know we didn’t exactly meet under the best circumstances, and I’m an idiot who couldn’t see what was right in front of me for a while, but… from the moment we had our first real kiss on our first fake date, my heart’s been certain. This last month, I know it hasn’t exactly been easy for you, but it’s been the best days of my life so far just because I’ve had the honor of sharing them with you. I never expect to fully, uh, tame you. And to be honest I don’t want you tame, I want you as your self. Violence and wildness and all. But it still means the world to me that you’re at least trying a little to be good right now. Regardless of where we are in a few months more, I hope we’ll still be together. That’s all.”

The emperor pulled back the bedclothes just enough to peek up at his partner’s scarred face. “If I’m so ‘calm and cuddly’ after sex, then you’re talkative and sentimental in the afterglow. But I’ll allow it.”

Yamcha bent forward, kissed him, and kept him close even when Frieza vanished back under the sheets again. In the darkness, the alien shut his eyes. That sentimental streak his dearest had… It had a disconcerting effect on his cold heart. So quickly he’d gone from being unable to stand this man to being unable to ignore his charm.

He’d stay patient, for his sake… just a couple months more and he’d be back on his destined path toward ruling over all, and surely once Yamcha got a taste of that life he’d become even more devoted to Frieza in order to keep it? He moved in slightly closer to his human’s warmth and fell asleep.

End Chapter Eighteen: I’d Do Absolutely Anything For You

Author’s Note: Chapter count jumped again but I’m pretty confident about it this time. Don’t know how I thought this would all fit as one chapter. The easiest way to break it down and have the chapters flow nicely was to chop it into three parts. Anyway, there will definitely be 20 chapters for the main story and then anything after that will be if I write any of the bonus scenes I’ve considered. Sorry this took so long, been doing 12 hour work shifts on top of everything else going on in life.

So Frieza is struggling to behave but Yamcha refuses to give up on him. Will the plan to keep him distracted work? Or will Frieza find a surprising outlet for his need to inspire fear and awe in others?

I’m not sure the origin of ‘gamer Puar’ but the image is so cute and amusing to me that I’ve included it in a handful of my fics. Just imagining him holding a controller in his tiny paws and threatening his opponents over voice chat in his goofy voice cracks me up.

Useless fact, as a theatre kid in college I was obsessed with Thomas Middleton’s Revengers Tragedy (a dark and violent play that I’m sure Frieza would greatly enjoy, hence namedropping the author in this chapter, or so I thought) for a minute, but had no idea that historians aren’t actually fully convinced Middleton wrote it until I googled it to double check his name spelling for this fic. Who said you can’t learn anything from fanfic?

Anyway, next chapter things get intense when Frieza discovers a new talent and Yamza becomes West City’s new power couple.

Chapter Text

Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Nineteen: Something I’m Good At

Well, if the emperor of space had missed attention, he was probably quite happy now… Yamcha watched from his spot mostly hidden behind one of the university’s many buildings as his boyfriend walked to his first day of class. It was scheduled late in the afternoon, likely due to the course being targeted at casually interested working adults rather than degree seeking students, but even so campus was still bustling with activity, and quite a few students were pausing to glance at Frieza.

“I can’t believe Bulma sometimes…” he muttered. When Frieza’s new wardrobe had came back from the tailors he hadn’t known what to expect, but the garment bags full of designer clothing had to have cost her more than many people make in a year. His lover, of course, looked incredible today, but also way overdressed for the occasion.

He looked like a rich bitch type showing off, which… was actually fairly appropriate, and definitely catching the eye of a lot of the more fashion conscious students.

“Hey, aren’t you Yamcha?”

He flinched and looked away. “N-no, of course not.” The random man wearing a shirt from the university’s athletic department wasn’t buying it.

“Nope, I’d know that face anywhere! What brings a legend like you here?”

He couldn’t exactly admit he was stalking his boyfriend to make sure he didn’t snap and kill anyone, could he? “Oh, nothing in particular, I was just passing by-“

“If that’s the case, would you be able to honor us with a little of your time? I’m the coach for our baseball team and was headed over to lead our practice. If you were willing to drop by, well, I’m sure seeing a hall of famer would really light a fire under the team!”

Well, his cover was blown now, and his loud voice was drawing attention… might as well. “Sure, I guess-“

“Oh, thank you! Follow me!”

As he reluctantly followed, he took one more quick glance over his shoulder at his boyfriend, then pulled out his phone and quickly typed a text.

Gohan, my mission has been compromised. Can I count on you from here?

The reply was swift. Don’t worry, I’ve got this covered. Frieza won’t cause any trouble on the Great Saiyaman’s watch!

Thanks man, I owe you!

Considering his personal history with the tyrant, Yamcha was initially surprised by how supportive Gohan was of his relationship with Frieza. That quickly changed when he remembered Gohan had been the first to see Piccolo as anything other than a villain… If anyone could see- and help bring out!- the good in an evildoer’s heart it was that half Saiyan.

- - -

“…it was mostly discussion without much structure to it. It felt a bit like a silly little book club rather than ‘higher education,’ really. We discussed the work of a woman named Emily Dickinson today after reading several of her poems out loud, but it should be denser territory from here- I’ve been assigned what they call ‘home work.’” Frieza opened his bag and pulled out his text book, waving it around airily. “My classmates were a bland bunch- the professor asked us all to do a little introduction to start things off, and all any of them said was whether they were working on a degree and if so what it was in.”

His first class was over without incident, surprisingly, and he and his boyfriend were now sitting at a small table at the back of the cafe on the library’s top floor. “I’m a little scared to ask, but how did you introduce yourself?” Yamcha asked.

“With full honesty, of course. I let those intellectually lacking losers know that I was a serious devotee of the greatest author in the history of space, taking the class on a whim.”

“…thank you for not telling them anything about the more uh, violent parts of yourself-“

“Well, I did mention I’ve destroyed many planets, but it was only to reassure them that there were still several months remaining before this one’s fate was to be decided. I’m not certain they understood the gravity of what I said, however.”

Yamcha just laughed again- what else could he say to that?- then pointed at the text Frieza still had in his hand. “Anyway, your homework… are you gonna read it?” A question with an extra meaning to it, which of course the alien caught.

“In other words, you’re asking if I intend to continue attending the course?” Frieza smirked, then took a long, slow sip of his coffee just to prolong his enjoyment of the amusingly cute, hopeful, and slightly desperate look on Yamcha’s face before finally saying, “I suppose I’ll see this through.”

“Yay!” Yamcha shouted, then covered his mouth when several other patrons of the cafe glared at him. He continued at a more reasonable volume, “I’m really, really glad you’re enjoying it. Ya know, they offer plenty of other similar ones. Heck, you could get a masters degree in classic lit if you really wanted to pursue this! I’d be more than happy to help you register and figure out paying for it-“

“I doubt that would be possible in the several months left in our time on this planet,” Frieza replied. He could tell that wasn’t what Yamcha had wanted to hear, but didn’t over worry it. Once they were off in space together he’d come around.

“But you did enjoy yourself today, right?” Yamcha asked after taking a few bites of his pasta salad in the awkward silence that had proceeded it.

“To a point. Dickinson was certainly no Shakespeare but I did enjoy her somewhat playful take on depressing subjects, and my classmates as well as the professor clearly recognized my superiority.”

“Oh?” He hoped he hadn’t been intimidating them…

“Indeed, both my peers and the teacher repeatedly expressed how unique yet accurate my ‘outsider’s take’ on the material was. In fact, several of the students attempted to forge a pact with me. For working as ‘study buddies’ apparently,” he let a dismissive snort. “But it was agreeable to be back in a position with some degree of authority, no matter how trifling it may have been. Now, as for you… why exactly were you on campus prior to our date this evening?”

Yamcha flinched. “Oh, just to meet you here obviously, guess I was a little early! And for more of this delicious pasta salad, I should ask for the recipe, huh? It’s so good-“

“I saw you before my class started, you know.”

Well, even if it had derailed his plans, at least it helped him cover his tracks… Yamcha pulled out his phone and opened the university’s social media feed. Sure enough, he was at the top of it.

“Baseball legend Yamcha, former star player of the Taitans, swung by today to teach our team his secrets to success,” Frieza read out, ignoring the thousands of hashtags following the message and scrolling down to a photo of his slightly annoyed looking partner signing autographs for the team. “Well, aren’t you a philanthropist?”

“Something like that!” He laughed, then shoveled some more of his salad down his throat.

“Yamcha, Frieza! Hey!’ Gohan had entered the cafe and immediately spotted the other two. “I uh, wasn’t expecting to see you two on campus, what brings you here?”

The emperor ignored him and sipped his coffee. Yamcha spoke up, “My perfect boyfriend is taking a short literature class here for fun, something I completely trust him to do without making any trouble.”

Luckily, Gohan was smart and didn’t need the reminder to keep playing dumb. “Well, I hope you enjoy it, Frieza!”

“I don’t particularly care for the well-wishing of a Saiyan,” he rolled his eyes.

“Half Saiyan, technically. The other half of me is as human as Yamcha here!” They did a fist bump. Frieza rolled his eyes. “Anyway, if you’re here now that class is over, does that mean you plan on staying for open mic night?”

“Open mic night? They do that here?”

“Yep, they started it as a weekly thing last semester and it’s gotten to be pretty popular. I normally don’t usually make time to attend, but one of my old high school classmates had signed up for tonight’s and invited me to watch so I figured I’d stick around and give him my support.”

Setting down his now empty cup with a sigh, Frieza ignored Gohan and instead asked Yamcha, “what was that thing he mentioned? A term I’m unfamiliar with.”

“Oh, uh, was it ‘open mic night’?”

“That’s the one. Explain it, if you will?”

“It’s a sort of event you sometimes see in cafes and bars and those sorts of places where amateurs can come in and perform. Usually musicians or comedians, those types.”

“I have to wonder what my friend is going to be doing… I don’t remember him being into anything but athletics. Anyway, Yamcha, looking at your food is making me hungry, I’m gonna grab a snack.”

“Get the pasta salad, it’s the best.”

Alone together again at the table, Frieza turned back to his boyfriend. “Once you’ve finished your meal we should probably leave. I have no interest in listening to amateur performances unless you’re going to be the one singing.”

“Is that so?” Yamcha crossed his arms behind his head and smirked. “It just so happens I’ve got a great singing voice, I should serenade you sometime.”

“Oh, I’m well aware. I can hear you in the shower you know.”

“I had no idea…”

“Yes, I can hear you quite clearly- you sing the same song every day. At first I found it annoying, but now? It just amuses me.” He chuckled, then lowered his volume a bit and leaned closer. “You’re right about your voice though. It’s powerful, and compellingly charming, much like everything else about you.”

“I really wanna kiss you right now but I guess I’ll have to wait until we’re home for that, eh?” Yamcha rushed to eat the last few bites of his pasta.

Frieza watched his partner scarf his food for a moment, but something else caught his eye. “Hmm? The blonde man speaking with Gohan- I believe he was in my class today.”

After struggling to swallow a half chewed mouthful of food, Yamcha asked, “Really? Did you notice him because he’s your type? …you’re not planning on trading me in me for a younger model are ya?” It was a joke, but he was still relieved to see how offended Frieza was at the very suggestion.

“What do you take me for?! Obviously I noticed the long hair and decent build, but it takes far more than that to win my favor! The pitiful fool has… shall we say… nothing going on upstairs.”

“He’s an idiot?”

“He’s an idiot.”

“Wonder why he’s Gohan’s friend, then? The kid’s a genius.”

“It seems we may be about to find out… they’re coming this way.”

“Hey! Your name was Frieza, right?”

Despite having just admitted to remembering him privately he pretended it was only faintly. “That’s Lord Frieza, thank you. And you are… Oh yes, you were one of my classmates, were you not?”

“Yeah. You were pretty smart, I’m glad you came here tonight. I’d love to hear what you think of my work!”

“I don’t follow, but I’m here on a date with my partner, so if you could move along-“

“Your partner, huh?” He looked from Frieza to Yamcha. “Wait a sec, you’re that baseball star, aren’t you? Yamcha, with unbroken world records for both batting and pitching?!”

“Eh? Yeah, that’s me.”

“Geez, Gohan, you know all sorts of people don’t you? Did your father-in-law introduce you?”

“Nope, Yamcha’s an old friend of my family, practically one of my uncles, really,” Gohan laughed. “Anyway, Yamcha, Frieza, this is Sharpner, we were classmates back in high school-“

“That’s right, classmates, and of course Gohan both looked up to me and saw me as something of a rival!” The half Saiyan’s side eye made it clear this wasn’t the case- “but I’ve grown and changed quite a bit since my high school jock days. I’ve recently started writing poetry, that’s part of why I signed up for that course. I thought it would be inspirational, you know? I’m gonna be doing a reading of my poems tonight. So I’m glad you could make it, Gohan, but… where’s Videl? I thought I made it clear she was invited as well?”

“Oh, I let her know, but she was busy with other commitments so-“

Sharpner looked pretty depressed at that for a moment, then shook it off. “I’ll give you a copy of what I’m reading so you can give it to her, then. Anyway, Frieza, pay attention and give me some insight next class, okay?” He rushed off.

“Sorry about that,” Gohan shrugged. “He can be a bit pushy. You guys were about to head out, right?”

Frieza shook his head. “No. I’d like to witness this farce.”

“For real!?” Yamcha asked, leaning over the table in surprise. He couldn’t believe it! His boyfriend actually wanting to do something as wholesome as watch a performance?! His plan was working!

“I can’t help but be curious as to how that unremarkable man will mangle our language with his ‘original poetry.’ Now, I think I’d like another coffee while we wait.”

As the human waited in line to put in his boyfriend’s order he smiled blissfully. It really was working. He’d get Frieza loving the Earth life yet!

Or not… twenty minutes later even Yamcha was daydreaming about blowing the place up. On a small stage set up to the side of the shop Sharpner stood clutching a microphone in one hand and a notebook in the other, reading out loud in a painfully slow monotone punctuated by occasional clearing of his throat. “The sky is blue and I am sad. Why oh why do I feel so bad? I think about the love we could have had. Holding you would make me so glad.”

“This is an insult to the sensitivities of all who are forced to listen to it,” Frieza whispered through clenched teeth as the ‘poet’ droned on. “Even setting aside his utter lack of charisma or any of the other attributes that make for a captivating performer, the material is atrocious. He’s taking such overwhelmingly cliche topics as sorrow and lost romance and instead of finding a fresh way to present them that justifies such an overused choice he’s instead stringing together lazily simplistic phrases with the most painfully heavy handed rhyme scheme. Even I could write a better poem in my sleep!”

“You should then,” Yamcha replied. He’d found the only way to avoid dying from boredom and irritation was to pull his chair closer to his boyfriend and stroke his thick thigh under the table.

“Hardly. I’m a power, not a poet.” Frieza replied drily.

“…and that’s all for tonight, thank you for listening!” The ‘poet’ mercifully closed out a minute later. There was some enthusiastic applause from both polite sorts like Yamcha and friends of the performer like Gohan who’d shown up in support, as well as sarcastic slow claps from a few of the more brutally honest types like Frieza.

“If that went on any longer I’d have been forced to mercy kill him,” the emperor said, finishing his coffee and shaking his head.

“Yeah, a mercy for the whole audience. Let’s go before he decides to give us an encore and I actually beg you to commit a murder.…”

- - -

“You ready? …Frieza, hey, are you ready?”

“Oh, my apologies. Of course I’m ready!”

The two boyfriends floated in place high above the ocean, nothing but clouds above them and the faintest glimpse of distant islands to distract them from their training. While no longer under Beerus’s mandate to train nearly daily with Goku, Frieza was still doing a little of it. At his own pace, and with Yamcha as his partner, it was a pleasure compared to the annoyances of his previous training routine. He mainly did it for his human’s sake- the man still wanted to get stronger and explore the full limits of his new power, and the emperor of course encouraged this.

If Yamcha was going to be ruling alongside him he’d need to be strong enough to inspire the same unwavering loyalty from his troops that Frieza did.

Further, while Frieza still didn’t consider himself much a team player, his experiences during the Tournament of Power had proven that fighting alongside another warrior had occasional benefits. They were playing around with one of them right now- an idea for a combo attack that Yamcha had devised.

The alien lifted his hand and pointed at the horizon, a small glow of Ki visible at the tip of his index finger. He looked at Yamcha, his aura sparkling as he let the resonance strengthen him. He had a moderately sized ball of energy floating above his upturned palm. The two men nodded, and launched their attacks-

Frieza’s Death Beam was lightning fast and for a moment he wasn’t sure if Yamcha’s Spirit Ball would be able to catch up as it vanished into the distance. He shouldn’t have doubted- with a sharp motion of his hand the human brought his own attack back toward them, but instead of just being the usual bullet of his Ki it was rapidly spinning around the other man’s attack, essentially dragging it along with it. Grinning, he made it circle them a few times before finally sending it off into the air above them and letting the two attacks separate in a rather dramatic explosion.

“Whaddaya know? It worked!” Yamcha laughed.

“Indeed. Only you would have thought of something so novel as to use your own attack to control and steer mine. The raw power and ability to penetrate nearly anything of my Death Beam, mixed with the maneuverability and precise control of your Spirit Ball- what a marvelous combination!”

“Heh, I thought our attacks could play nicely together, but that still worked out better than I’d have guessed! I half wanna keep playing with it, but I can tell your mind has been elsewhere this session so I guess we should call it a day?”

Frieza laughed and moved closer. “You noticed? Yes, I’ve been a bit… preoccupied today. Anyway… Our attacks may ‘play nicely’ together, but we certainly don’t, do we, my dear Yamcha?” He asked, his voice lowering slightly as he swung his tail and used it to roughly pull his lover into his arms.

“Hmm, I dunno…” Yamcha said, leaning in and running his fingertips over his boyfriend’s back. “Is this nice?” Those same hands grabbed the alien by his shoulders and flung him hard toward one of those distant islands.

Instead of making any effort to stop this, Frieza just went with it, only regaining control of his motion at the last second so as to land gracefully on the beach. But where had Yamcha gone? He looked up to see if he’d been followed but his eyes lingered on the water, distracted for the dozenth time that day- then felt a pair of warm arms embrace him from behind. “Gotcha.”

“Indeed. And now?”

The human didn’t answer, as his mouth was busy on the back of the other man’s neck- Frieza pressed himself into it, his tail slithering up Yamcha’s leg-

“Yo!”

“DAMN IT, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY INTERRUPTING US RIGHT NOW GOKU?!”

The boyfriends stepped apart and yelled at the sheepish Saiyan. He scratched his head. “You’re not at home so it’s fine, right? I made sure you’re out here in the open, and I could tell you were training so I figured it would be cool if I used my Instant Transmission and joined you-“

“It is NOT fine. How’d you even know we were training?!”

“I could feel Yamcha powering up, obviously!” Goku laughed. “Anyway, c’mon, you never come train with me anymore, can’t you at least give me one little sparring session? Please?”

“We could, perhaps, show you what we were working on,” Frieza said, giving Yamcha a sly look. His partner nodded just slightly.

“Really?!”

“Really.” Frieza shot a Death Beam just over Goku’s shoulder, deliberately missing before aiming a kick at his midsection. The Saiyan blocked it, and was too distracted to notice Yamcha using his own Ki to redirect Frieza’s original attack back around to Goku’s side, catching him off guard and pushing him away. He kept pushing him with the attack until he was out of view.

“Beautiful work, my dear partner. Shall we go home? There’s no need to linger out here, as you so astutely observed my mind wasn’t fully on our training today even before you distracted me with those talented lips.”

“Home it is then, after all, I wanna finish what we started. Let’s get to the one place we’ve finally trained Goku not to follow us to!”

- - -

“There’s like, twice as many people here as last week,” Yamcha commented, leaning back in his chair and taking a look around the cafe.

“I’ll bet he demanded his classmates come support him,” Launch said with a shrug. “Guess that’s most of it.”

“I’m only here because you wouldn’t stop pestering me,” Tien glared at Launch. Chiaotzu at least seemed upbeat.

“Not me! I’m actually really curious! To think, Frieza of all people started writing poetry?”

“I’m here because he invited me, but even if he didn’t I’d have been too morbidly curious to stay away,” Gohan explained. “Somehow I think this is some sort of exercise for his ego rather than any real literary ambitions… Hope it isn’t too bad.”

“His ego? That sounds about right,” Puar sighed from his spot on his best friend’s shoulder. “I hope it goes well for him.”

They all looked at Frieza, who stood to the side while some of the university staff finished setting up the temporary stage and its audio equipment. Yamcha shook his head. “We have nothing to worry about. I’m no literary critic, but when Frieza read me a few of his poems a couple days ago under the pretext that they were works he read in class I thought they were incredible- then I freaked out when I found out who really wrote them!”

“And you’re the reason he’s readin’ them here then?” Launch asked. Yamcha shook his head.

“Nah, you know how he is. Frieza’s desire to perform tonight is fueled by pure pettiness. He started writing just to spite that Sharpner guy and his terrible poetry from last open mic night. Gohan’s got it a hundred and ten percent right, this is all for his ego. But… my beloved boyfriend has a real talent as a writer, as surprising as that is!”

“Welcome everyone to our weekly open mic night!” Some random staff member said into the freshly hooked up mic. “Our first participant will be ‘Lord Frieza’ reading three of his original poems.”

As Frieza strode confidently onto the stage and his friends and classmates applauded, Yamcha shook his head. “I just hope they aren’t too much for these people, they’re beautiful works but because Frieza wrote them they’re sometimes a bit dark-“

“Shh, he’s starting!” Tien scolded.

“Hello, you weak Earthlings,” Frieza said with a little bow. “I am Lord Frieza, and here are three poems I wrote about three different men who have had an impact of sorts on my life.” There were some more claps. Yamcha rolled his eyes. Well, if anyone had the charisma to make people excited to listen to them even when they were being insulted, it was his Frieza.

As the alien began reading, Yamcha whispered to the others at his table. “This is called ‘Super,’ it’s about Goku. It’s pretty uh, violent, but look past how gruesome it is and try and appreciate the creative rhyme scheme and beautiful word choice, okay?”

“Shh!”

Up on the tiny stage at the side of the coffee shop, Frieza read out a poem he’d spent several hours, half a notebook, and ten broken pens creating. It had been a little joke, at first- he’d show his stupid classmate how easy it was to write a poem that didn’t suck by doing it himself, as Yamcha had suggested. So he found himself distracted for a day or two thinking about metaphors and imagery before sitting down in his study and putting pen to paper. But writing about a strong emotion- in this case, the rage and humiliation he felt when Goku first defeated him- had been surprisingly cathartic, then became compelling, then became almost all consuming as he vented his emotions onto the page. In some ways it was a little like when he’d wrote and tossed out letter after letter to Yamcha after the human had left him on Beerus’s world… But now that he was trying to push these rantings into a specific structure, they became a clearer expression of his emotions, as dark and disturbing as they were.

One poem complete, he reread what was left amongst the scratched out stanzas and added notes and surprised himself. This wasn’t good. This was fantastic. So he tried again, this time about Vegeta, and found himself gripped in that same passionate state as he threw his feelings at the paper, and when he finally emerged from his study hours later and shared his poems anonymously with his partner, the human’s enthusiastic response cemented what he had already thought-

It turned out he was- of all things!- a poet after all.

From there the next avenue of action was obvious- why not share them at ‘open mic night’ and show off? He made a point of inviting Gohan as well as Sharpner, the same classmate that forced him to listen to such banal ramblings the prior week, who in turn invited the rest of the class. Almost everyone had shown up… the alien assumed it was due to them being intimidated by him, as he wasn’t exactly used to the idea that they all actually respected him for his unique take on the course material. In the days leading up to the event he kept writing, finishing several more poems in the process and continuing to surprise himself with how much he enjoyed his new hobby.

At first he read out the lines in a clear and simplistic fashion, yet… half way in, with a captivated audience and a work that grew darker and more violent with every line, he found himself practically growling into the mic as his tension escalated alongside his deeply personal work’s hatred-fueled drama. Reaching the climatic final lines, his tightening grip on the microphone stand snapped it, and nearly every member of the audience flinched… and he felt that little thrill he’d been missing.

Oh.

He snarled the last words with as much malice as possible, flinging aside the broken stand before taking a deep breath, nodding, and bowing.

The whole cafe erupted in thunderous applause, none louder than from Yamcha’s table.

“He’s terrifying…” Sharpner, fully unaware that he’d inspired Frieza’s petty need to pick up the pen for himself, said from a table or two away.

“Damn right he is!” Launch yelled back in response.

Yamcha and Frieza caught one another’s eyes and shared a quick smile. The human gave his boyfriend a thumbs up, the alien nodded. When the clapping finally dyed down the emperor approached the replaced microphone stand and addressed his listeners. “Your warm reception is appreciated. I’m sure you’ve never heard anything like that on one of these farcical ‘open mic night’ occasions prior to this? Anyway, on to my next…”

“Okay, this one is called ‘Behaved’ and it’s about his relationship with his father. Again, it’s… not exactly cute, but incredibly well written!” Yamcha quietly explained.

Up on the little stage, Frieza allowed himself to get a bit theatrical. It was odd how taking feelings that were far too personal to casually share and writing them down not only seemed to help him finally process them, but also allowed him to share them without feeling that disgusting vulnerability. Best of all was this audience reaction though.

They were completely under his spell, reacting with varying levels of disgust, fascination, and best of all, occasional outright horror. He had them completely captivated… it was almost like it used to be.

He’d missed this.

The last stanza described his death by Trunks’s sword while his father watched, and he nearly howled out his vivid description of that agonizing, humiliating pain, pulling the audience’s tension to the absolute breaking point before once again letting it all go, leaning into a deep bow for a moment of quiet before an even wilder round of applause thundered through the cafe and surely disturbed the students studying elsewhere in the library.

Yamcha was on his feet, clapping and cheering with everything he had. His Frieza was amazing! He already knew the material was shockingly good, but having only seen the alien’s skills as a performer during their desperate, half improvised scene from Romeo and Juliet at that disaster of a dinner party in Universe 6 he wasn’t expecting this- perhaps because these poems were so intensely personal to him, every bit of pain, anger, hate, and sadism that had inspired them was practically dripping from his voice and body language. Add his natural charisma and commanding presence to that, and it seemed not a single member of the audience could look away.

Smiling at the adoring crowd, Frieza turned to the next page in the hard cover notebook he’d neatly transferred the final versions of the handful of completed poems he had so far to. It was the poem about Vegeta- he felt it was one of his strongest works and thus had planned on ending his reading with it. But…

He flipped a few pages more to a different poem. Perhaps, with as well as things had been going… it might be the right time to share this one, instead. He let his eyes meet Yamcha’s again and raised a hand to his heart without really thinking about it. He then made a point of looking literally anywhere other than at his boyfriend’s handsome face.

“Since you’ve been such a delightful audience I think I’m going to treat you to something very special for my last reading- a poem of mine that I have yet to share with another soul. Anyone caught not paying attention will regret it.”

“Hmm? Something even I haven’t read yet?” Yamcha said quietly as he settled back into his chair. Puar shrugged.

“The title is ‘Summer.’” There was an odd little bit of uncharacteristic nervousness in his voice as he began to read… this time not about any emotions born of anger, but instead of a powerful lust and aching need, an all encompassing yearning and adoration…

“Dude, I think this is about you,” Launch whispered, elbowing Yamcha hard. She was blushing a bit- quite a few of the audience were, as just as Frieza made no effort to tone down some of the excessively violent imagery in the prior two poems, this one was, at points, nearly gratuitously sexual. He ignored her, too focused on his boyfriend to notice anything else in the room.

This was a love poem, and even if, in true Frieza style, he avoided using the word outright, it couldn’t be clearer how deeply he truly felt for him.

Once again, he guided the audience to an emotional climax as he spoke of his obsessive desire before dipping into a final bow as the crowd- which had grown steadily larger as various students in the library or passing through the cafe had paused to see what the commotion was about and found themselves as spellbound as the rest- all stood, united in thunderous applause.

The emperor smiled, stepped off the stage, and was immediately rushed by his classmates. Launch laughed. “Guess it’s gonna be a minute before we can get past his adoring fans and chat with him, eh?”

“Y-yeah…” Yamcha just kept smiling at Frieza, who was clearly enjoying the admiration as he spoke casually with the other students. He glanced up, looked at his boyfriend for the first time since reading out his unfiltered feelings and fully lost his composure for a moment, stopping mid sentence and staring with wide eyes and a deep blush. Of course he quickly pulled himself back together, airily pushed through the crowd, and came to a stop at the table his friends were at.

“Shit, Frieza, that was so dope! Like, I don’t know jack about poetry but that gave me serious chills!” Launch slapped him on the back.

“Frieza… uh…” Yamcha got up. “That new poem, it was…”

“Yes?”

“Thank you so much!” He pulled him into his arms and held him tightly for a moment. “You’re just too amazing, and I love you, and… uh, I’ll continue this later.” He let go and they stepped apart, embarrassed by the cheering and whistling of his classmates.

Back up at the front of the cafe a student holding a guitar was laughing into the mic. “Well! That’s gonna be a tough act to follow but I’ll do my best!” Things finally settled down a bit as he began strumming chords and everyone returned to their seats.

“So that’s how you really feel huh?” Yamcha asked quietly, squeezing Frieza’s hand under the table.

“You are a rather inspiring muse,” he replied with a shrug.

“So are we gonna stick around now that he’s done- ACHOO!” Several people glared at Launch after her loud sneeze. Blue haired now, she looked around for a moment, ascertained her surroundings, then quietly asked, “is this a performance?”

Puar nodded. “Lord Frieza just finished doing a reading of some poems he wrote.”

“Oh my, you write poems, Frieza?”

As usual he had little interest in her mild personality, so he slid his notebook over to her in an effort to shut her up. “There. They may be a bit too intense for the likes of you but feel free to read them.”

Between the large crowd that had been watching the event and being distracted by one another no one in the group had noticed Beerus and Whis’s presence. The divine beings quietly made their exit. “So Frieza’s a poet now, can’t say I saw that one coming,” the angel commented. “Perhaps having a healthy outlet for his darker and more obsessive emotions will be enough to allow him to live a satisfied life on Earth?”

“We’ll just have to see, won’t we? There’s still several months left before he’d planned on returning to space, that’s plenty of time for him to lose interest in this new hobby and go back to craving conquest. Anyway, it’s out of our hands for now, isn’t it? Let’s go home for tonight. I’d like to return to this cafe promptly, however.”

“Oh? Hoping to catch another of Frieza’s performances? I never took you for such a fan of the arts, Lord Beerus!”

“No, I simply crave another serving of that delectable pasta salad.”

Back inside the cafe the boyfriends and their group hung around through several more acts (mainly musicians of varying degrees of talent) before heading out into the evening, Frieza was in a marvelously good mood. “They really seemed to appreciate at least a fraction of my genius, didn’t they?”

“Anyone with half a brain would, you killed it!” Yamcha agreed.

Launch, still Blue, had been quiet up to this point, but finally spoke as she handed the notebook back to its owner. “Goodness, Frieza, I never would have guessed you were such a poet! These were really unique!”

“Well, of course. If I set my mind to it I’m capable of anything,” he replied.

“You did some really unconventional things with the verse structure, particularly on that poem ‘Summer.’”

“Hmm?” He moved from Yamcha’s left side to his right so as to be better able to speak with her. “I’m surprised you noticed.”

“Yes! I read a lot of poetry myself, actually, so how could I not? The way it started out structured a little bit like a sonnet, then broke the form in the later stanzas, was perfect for the way the imagery became increasingly passionate, like your feelings were too much to be restrained by a specific template. It really helped drive home the intense emotional build up.”

“My goodness… consider me stunned. You might not be useless after all!”

Yamcha watched them talk. He’d never seen Frieza make any effort to engage with this side of his best friend’s personality, but now they were discussing his poems and poetry in general with great excitement.

This was almost unbelievable. The emperor had found a new method of self expression, and with it not only forged a better bond with his bestie and won some serious respect from his classmates, but maybe even…

He remembered Launch’s words about Frieza’s little criminal adventures on Earth so far- He just craved the drama. To see what it felt like to command a room with his terrifying presence…

Hadn’t that been exactly what had just happened when he did his reading?

- - -

Two eventful months later, Yamcha stood off to the side by the cameras at ZTV’s West City studio, watching as the crew made the final preparations for a segment they were getting ready to record that would air during that evening’s news.

The door to one of the dressing rooms burst open, and out stomped Frieza, shouting over his shoulder, “I will walk off this set before I let you put any more of that irritating powder on me!”

The threat was aimed at a stressed looking member of the production staff, who tried to reason, “but sir, with as pale as you are, the lights will wash you out if we don’t get a little makeup on-“

“Figure it out in post production then!” He snapped, then noticed his boyfriend’s pleading look. “Ugh, fine, use the absolute bare minimum to get the job done, and don’t let a single bit of its dust get on my clothing.”

“Th-thank you sir!”

The camera man muttered, “what a diva…” Against his better judgement, Yamcha snickered at that. It was true, after all…

After discovering his natural poetic talents, Frieza became obsessed, spending at least an hour and often more each day in his study writing. Yamcha took to buying pens and paper in bulk due to the amount of it his boyfriend would go through (and indeed, the top of his desk was covered in ink stains as the pens always wound up destroyed- squeezed until they exploded, or snapped in half, or simply pressed to the paper with too much force). He’d end near every session looking immeasurably pleased with himself as he emerged from the study with ink on his hands, holding up the final clean copy of the day’s work. His human was always the first to get to read it, and of course supported him with full enthusiasm.

He’d shown up at each weekly open mic night since, with the crowds growing as students told each other about his readings. Between the often shockingly violent or sexual topics of his work, the over-the-top showmanship of his performances, and how surprisingly well written these strange poems were, Frieza and the natural pull of his charisma were impossible to ignore.

One of the more amusing aspects of all of this was how many of his classmates and general audience members seemed to think this was all part of some greater ‘performance art’ that the emperor was dedicating his life fully to- it made a neat explanation for the odder aspects of his personality, like how rude he could be and his insistence that others called him by his preferred title of ‘Lord Frieza.’ Once he realized this, it gave him the freedom to speak with full honesty about his life. What was the harm in mentioning he was a space alien who’d literally been to hell and back if everyone assumed it was a character he was playing? Since he never ‘broke character’ it simply convinced these onlookers that he was a fully dedicated artist, and that increased his notoriety.

It was only a matter of time before he caught the attention of people outside of the campus as well. A student who worked as a bartender invited Frieza to do a reading at his workplace one Friday night, and mentioned he was welcome to set up a merch table if he had any books to sell. The idea hadn’t previously occurred to him, but several hours of typesetting and a quick trip to a printer later the emperor of space was now also a self published author. Puar volunteered to man the table, and to everyone’s surprise their first print run of twenty copies sold out before the performance was even half finished.

Selling his hastily thrown together book brought in a little bit of cash, but all of this meant something far greater and more important than its financial potential-

In certain specific circles, the emperor was famous again, and through his performances able to get little tastes of the fear and awe he craved from others…

To Yamcha’s complete and total joy, his boyfriend seemed to at last be having fun on Earth!

A few of West and Satan City’s arts and culture influencers had naturally wound up at some of his performances and been as entranced as the rest, and aside from giving him further free publicity, one of them posted a video clip of him performing a particularly aggressive portion of one of his works and it went viral. That lead to where they were today- ZTV News had invited Frieza in for an interview and performance, and he’d accepted.

Yamcha came with- his boyfriend’s new enthusiasm as a creative just made him fall all the deeper in love with him- and used his own clout as a minor celebrity to convince the director of the segment to allow him to watch the recording.

“Okay, we’re about to roll in three, two, one, action!” The director called out, and Yamcha gave Frieza a quick thumbs up.

“Recently a talented poet has skyrocketed from obscurity to local fame for both the way his works mix strange and often shocking subject matter with beautiful, classically inspired verses and his electrifying live poetry readings. I’m ZTV corespondent Porter, and today I have the pleasure of sitting down with Lord Frieza for his first ever public interview. Thank you for joining us today, sir!”

“Of course,” he replied, his bored tone of voice making it abundantly clear how little he thought of his interviewer.

“Now, Lord Frieza, over the course of two months you’ve gone from reading at a university cafe’s open mic night to being the talk of the elite of the arts scene, but I’m sure a lot of work went in behind the scenes of your sudden rise to fame. Tell us, how long have you been writing?”

“Oh, I started about a week before my first performance and have picked up a pen near daily since,” he replied with a smirk.

“So you mean to tell you’ve only been writing for barely over two months and have already produced dozens of incredibly polished pieces?!”

“That’s correct. I’ve always had a tendency toward genius, so I wasn’t at all surprised to discover this was amongst my talents. That said, even I couldn’t have guessed how much I’d enjoy putting these words together and sharing them with those lucky enough to get a chance to listen.”

It was clear Porter wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that level of conceitedness, so he just pushed forward with the interview. “Your poems, while highly acclaimed, aren’t without controversy. The topics that inspire you most seem to be violence and sex, and you don’t shy away from the details when you cover them. What draws you to such lurid subject matter, and have you ever considered toning it down in order to perhaps reach a wider audience?”

“It’s simple. I write what I feel most deeply- a man of strong passions and an inherently dark nature isn’t going to write a cutesy little rhyme about flowers and smiling faces, is he? I think that answers both of your questions.”

“Ah. I suppose so? Then I salute your dedication to your art. Now, aside from certain topics being frequent in your poems, it seems like you have a specific set of people that you write about, although never name. For example, several of your poems are about two men who have ‘killed’ you. As it’s clear from your work that you’re, if you don’t mind my pointing this out, gay or at least bisexual, are these metaphors for bad break ups?”

“While yes, I do prefer men, those aren’t metaphors. I’ve died twice, once at each of their hands. Can’t say I recommend it, as your Earth’s hell is a true torment. Of course, I’m alive now so I think the last laugh in this case is decidedly mine!”

As Frieza delivered such a seemingly impossible sentence with such casualness, his interviewer laughed. “Ah, there’s that famous dedication to staying in character! Yet your fans can’t help but be curious about the person behind this ‘alien space emperor’ persona. And that brings us nicely to our next question- if you’re saying the men you reference in your work are indeed real people, well, it seems your love poems are all about the same man-“

“I wouldn’t call them ‘love poems.’ They’re expressions of the deepest longing, connection, and attraction. But you’re correct, they’re about the only man worthy of such an honor.”

“Would you be willing to tell us who it is? There’s a lot of curiosity as to the identity of your muse, and both social media and traditional media have the same theory…”

“If you have a theory then that should be enough, shouldn’t it? Regardless of how I answer you’ll assume you know the truth, so why bother?” Frieza’s words were deliberately evasive but his eyes darted to where his partner was waiting just off the set. It had been Yamcha’s idea to keep the fact that they were together on the down low- he didn’t want his own fame to eclipse his boyfriend’s budding career. Unfortunately, that wasn’t so easy when the paparazzi had already taken notice of them even before the alien started writing.

“Because your audience would love to hear the truth directly from you- the man you describe is a physical match for a certain legendary retired baseball player that you’ve been repeatedly seen not only in the company of, but even going home with-“

“For a culture that acts so scandalized by the incredibly erotic content of some of my work you certainly enjoy prying into my personal life. I think this concludes the interview, thank you most graciously for your time.” Frieza left the stage with a smirk, ignoring Porter’s sputtering behind him. “Shall we?” He asked Yamcha as he passed him, and his boyfriend followed.

Later that evening they sat in a quiet booth at the back of a casual restaurant. They ate out more often now- with his own money coming in from selling his hastily thrown together book at his readings, Frieza liked to spend it. He also seemed more willing to broaden his horizons and try new places he’d never have previously agreed to of late. Yamcha hoped this was part of his boyfriend’s increasing comfort with the planet he’d hopefully be calling a permanent home.

“Oh my gawd, look… they’re still gonna play that interview?” The human pointed to one of several TVs mounted on the walls, currently tuned to the news. “I thought your dramatic walk out would have had them canceling it.”

“I look ghastly… I should never have consented to that amateurish makeup artist working on me,” Frieza sighed.

“Nah, you look perfect, as always…”

“Always so sweet, aren’t you, my dear Yamcha…” Both men watched the segment as they ate their shared plate of nachos. To the alien’s amusement, they aired the whole thing- including the abrupt end.

“You really are something else,” his partner laughed. “Still, it’s getting harder to keep our relationship quiet… that reporter isn’t the only one prying.”

“Yes, I know. My former classmates keep asking about it. I’ve wound up blocking most of their numbers, I’m not sure how they even got mine to begin with.” Frieza finished his beer, making a point of wrinkling his nose in distaste to show he still wasn’t a fan, before regarding his partner with piercing gaze. “I’m… unconvinced that this is the best route for us, to be quite honest. It seems like denying our partnership is just further fueling the public’s curiosity. It’s irksome.”

“I don’t know about that. I’m sure it’ll die down quick enough, and other than a few questions it’s hardly been an issue, right?” Yamcha shrugged. “Trust me, I wanna shout to the entire universe that I’m yours, and that I love everything about you…” he paused to take his boyfriend’s hand before continuing, squeezing it tightly as he spoke. “But I want the focus to be where it belongs, on your incredible talent!”

Frieza didn’t respond, but he gave his partner’s hand a firm squeeze in return, scowling at the rapidly dwindling nachos as though deep in thought. Their waiter returned with the bill but did a double take when he looked at the alien.

“Hey, aren’t you that poet that was just on the news a minute ago? So is this guy you’re with that mystery lover they were asking about?”

“Keep up this interrogation, by all means, just know every question will result in no answers, only a reduction in your tip,” Frieza spat, and the waiter hastily apologized and stepped away.

“Okay, so I guess we could have predicted that when he was right there with us in the restaurant while the interview aired but that happens, right? Anyway, I’ll bet the speculation calms down from here now that you’ve made it so obvious you’re not gonna entertain the topic!”

They left the restaurant, hand in hand and Frieza still seeming preoccupied. Yamcha’s mind at least was in the present moment, so he was able to quickly let go and step back from his boyfriend with his super speed right before the paparazzi that had been laying in wait by their apartment could get a photo.

“Can’t a man have some privacy at his own home?!” He demanded, snatching his camera away, pulling out the memory card, and handing it back. “If I catch you harassing us again I’m gonna break your fingers!”

Frieza grabbed his arm, smiling as he pulled his partner inside. “You have no idea how irresistible you are when you make threats like that!”

Yamcha grinned back. “Heh, am I? You should show me just how irresistible you find me then, then…”

- - -

Despite what Yamcha had hoped would happen, public curiosity about them did not die down, and in fact continued to grow both alongside Frieza’s fame as a poet/performance artist and the media’s renewed interest in Yamcha (it seemed almost every day some gossip site was speculating on his sexuality, or dragging out old photos of his prior romances, and on the rarest of occasions actually bringing up the sport that had made him famous in the first place). It all came to a head one morning when Puar stepped out onto the apartment’s balcony and screamed- Yamcha was there before the photographer who’d apparently climbed up the side of the building could finish flinching.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?! This is private property!” He grabbed the man by the front of his shirt and shoved him back against the railings. “You realize my kind heart is the only thing between you and a painful fall right now, right? Now get the fuck off my balcony.” He waited until the terrified trespasser had started climbing before wrapping a protective arm around Puar, pulling him inside, and pulling the blinds shut. “You alright, buddy?”

“Yeah, he just startled me,” Puar replied with a sigh.

“This… is no way to live.” Frieza leaned against the bedroom’s doorframe clad in Yamcha’s oversized bathrobe.

“Yeah…” The human slumped onto the couch, running his fingers through his hair. “I dunno what we’re supposed to do though! I keep thinking it’s gotta blow over at some point but it’s been months… Maybe I should go into hiding or something and let the media forget about me and get the focus back where it belongs, on your career.”

“I doubt that would work. If you vanish those vultures masquerading as journalists will just take that mystery as even further fuel for a story. They’ll say I killed you in a fit of passion or some such foolishness.”

“Or that the ‘Horny Bandit’ struck again and got ‘im!” Puar added with a snicker.

“Can you imagine, if they ever figured out the ‘Horny Bandit’ was you, the field day they’d have?” Yamcha giggled a little despite his stress. Frieza crossed his arms and glared.

“I wasn’t even misbehaving those last two times they caught me on film. I’ve half a mind to cease using my second form completely at this point just to halt this ridiculous legend.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask, why were you in that form the other day, anyway?” The taller man pulled out his phone and brought up the article in question, reading out loud, “‘The ‘Horny Bandit’ Caught On Film Stealing Unmarked Boxes of Goods from a West City Warehouse.’ If you’d just stayed in your usual no one would have thought anything of it. You were just picking up another print run of your book… right?”

“I resent your tone just then, my dear Yamcha.” The alien sat on the other side of the couch, leaned back, and propped his feet up on the coffee table, ignoring Puar’s disapproving glare. “Of course I was picking up the books that I’d legitimately paid in advance for- the same ones my adoring fans will pay a three times mark up on. But there were a lot of large boxes, and a certain someone was too busy to help me. I could carry two at a time in that larger body.”

“To be fair, the reason I was too busy to help is I was cooking your lunch and you didn’t wanna wait,” the human shrugged. “The moment you got the call that it was ready you just had to run off.”

Instead of replying, Frieza got up, went to his study, and returned a moment later with a book which he proceeded to throw directly at his partner’s head. Yamcha caught it easily enough and turned it over in his hands. “Hey, you changed it! This is way nicer than the old ones!” Indeed, while the prior copies were a basic spiral bound book with a card stock cover of the quality one would expect from the ‘print on demand’ place that produced it, this was a proper hardcover book as nice as any professionally printed volume.

“Indeed. Perhaps you now see why I was anxious to see if the final product would be worth the higher production cost?” Frieza shrugged, then added in an uncharacteristically quiet tone, “Anyway, that one is yours. Consider it payback for that baseball card you gave me so long ago.”

“I’m touched, buuuut…” Yamcha grinned at his boyfriend, “for it to really be payback then it should be autographed by the author-“

“Well of course, and I’m one step ahead of you in that regard.”

“Ooo… Let’s see,” he opened the book and sure enough, he recognized his lover’s neat handwriting on the inside cover. “It says, ‘to my most wonderful Yamcha, in appreciation for everything. - Your Lord Frieza.’ Aww, babe, that’s so sweet!”

Frieza shrugged it off, but Puar snickered at the slight blush on the alien’s face. “You two are adorable.”

“Oh, don’t overthink it, it’s just a courtesy. Anyway… While I respect the selfless reasoning behind your desire to keep our relationship discrete, I have became incredibly tired of this losing game we keep playing with the media. I think I may have an alternative that will allow us to get our privacy back.”

“Seriously?!” The human flung himself at his boyfriend, knocking him sideways on the couch and embracing him aggressively. “Shoulda known my amazing genius of a lover would figure out something! So what’s the plan?!”

Frieza closed his eyes, scowling as though he wasn’t profoundly enjoying the affection. “It’s simple. We give them exactly what they want.”

Yamcha froze, then sat up. “Huh?”

“Don’t you remember my philosophy on strength?” Frieza asked, sitting up as well. “Strength alone is of little use. Strength exists to be converted into power.”

“Yeah, pretty sure you said that at Vegeta and Bulma’s vow renewal, right? Not sure how it applies here though.”

“Our… notoriety could be a strength, utilized correctly. Instead of hoping they’ll lose interest, let’s profit off of it. Financial power seems to be the strength that’s most respected on this planet, correct? So we’ll see which publisher is willing to pay the most for an exclusive photo of us that confirms the rumors, then perhaps with the mystery finally out in the open it will lose it’s grip on the public consciousness and they’ll cease to obsess?”

“That’s not a bad idea, but what about your new career as a poet? If we do come out then it puts the attention on us, not your talent.”

“But the attention is there already. We have nothing to lose by embracing this, and potentially quite a bit to gain. You trust my judgement, do you not? So let’s give this a try. I simply can not stand the notion of spending my final two months on Earth constantly on edge that someone is going so far as to scale the side of our building in an effort to invade our privacy!”

- - -

Well, Frieza had been half right. Yamcha reached out to his old team’s publicist and had them shop around the story, and less than a day later they had a winning offer- “Dragon Weekly is seriously willing to pay five million zeni for a couple pics and an interview?!” He covered the mic on his phone and turned to his boyfriend. The alien nodded an emphatic ‘yes,’ which was echoed into the line. The following day a photographer and journalist came to their apartment, and after an awkward photoshoot and some annoyingly personal questions (The human had a good laugh at both Frieza’s offended and defensive refusals to answer some of them and his brutally honest answers to others that clearly made the interviewer uncomfortable) it was over.

Two days later, the article was published, the magazine’s cover dominated by a photo of the two of them sitting side by side and holding hands as they looked into one another’s eyes. The article’s headline boldly declared, ‘Out at Last! West City’s Most Eligible Bachelor Confirms He’s in a Relationship with Hot Up-And-Coming Performance Artist!’ “This is so embarrassing,” Yamcha laughed as he bought ten copies.

“Agreed,” Frieza said, ignoring the way the newsstand’s cashier was starting back and forth between the cover photo and the two men in front of him. “I do like this picture of you, however. You look completely enamored with me.”

“Gee, I wonder why that could possibly be.”

But again, the emperor had only been half right. Now that the story had broke, they did get some degree of their privacy back in that they weren’t as relentlessly stalked by photographers hoping to be the first to get evidence of their relationship. However, the magazine introduced them to a wider audience than Yamcha’s previous sports fame and Frieza’s following in the arts scene.

“More about us online,” the human sighed two weeks later. “Apparently we’re both ‘gay icons’ and ‘fashion icons’ now. I’m not sure how I feel about that- they have the nerve to claim my hair is out of style and they think I wear it this way as an ‘ironic fashion statement’ that ‘transcends trends and becomes cool again-‘ what the hell does that even mean? My hair was always cool, damn it!”

His boyfriend had taken to writing long, venomously angry poems about parasites that somehow the media didn’t seem to pick up were about them. Meanwhile, it seemed like their phones wouldn’t stop ringing.

“I didn’t wanna do more photoshoots, but this one’s for an ad campaign for some clothing brand, not another article about us. I told them no but they kept raising the amount they were willing to pay, and fifteen million zeni is… well, it’s a lot.”

“Is it enough money that, after doing this, you will be able to confidently say no to the next annoying offer?”

“Yeah, put this with the interview a couple weeks ago, and what I already had in the bank, and it’s ‘set for life’ type money.”

“More than we’ll need then for our limited time remaining on this planet, but I’ll agree to it. Not for the financial benefits, but to see you dressed up.”

Yamcha texted his reply back to his agent and it was set up for the following week. Watching Frieza’s tail as he vanished into his study for another long writing session, he quietly wondered if he was handling all this right… it was so hard to tell what his boyfriend actually wanted. He clearly liked the fame, the audience, and his writing and performances, but seemed to hate everything else that came along with it.

Despite his best efforts to make sure they could stay on Earth together… even managing to find the guy a hobby that kept him out of trouble and seemed to give him the thrill he needed… he sighed, shook his head, and muttered, “well, at least I’ll look good dressed in that Frieza Force armor…”

End Chapter Nineteen: Something I’m Good At

Author’s Note: One thing that really weakened this chapter is not having any of Frieza’s poems actually in it. I’d planned to write at least a few lines for each of the ones actually read out, but when the time came I couldn’t get anything good enough to live up to the praise our beloved asshole emperor’s poems were receiving. So! You’ll just have to imagine them yourselves. I’m a novelist, not a poet.

The song Yamcha sings in the shower is Wolf Hurricane, of course. My ‘in universe’ head canon for that song’s existence is that, like so many of us, Yamcha daydreamed about being a rock star as a teenager and wrote the song about himself, thought it was sick as heck, and yeah, sings it in the shower on a regular basis ever since. And probably sings it to Puar, who obviously thinks it’s the greatest thing in the universe.

This chapter is dedicated to whoever made the pasta salad that was served at the cafe at my college’s library. I lived on that stuff.

Anyway, next chapter is the final one, for real this time. Will the boyfriends stay on Earth as good guys or return to space as villains? The drama that's been happening up in space in the background isn't about to wait, however... Thank you THANK YOU to my readers who’ve been so sweet and supportive through this whole long mess. You’re the best.

Chapter Text

Take A Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Chapter 20: And In The End I’ll Be With You

The Capital Amphitheater was packed that night. It felt like the air itself was buzzing with anticipation for the show scheduled that evening. Waiting in the wings were two smartly dressed men.

Frieza peeked out past the curtains at the main stage. “I don’t care for this set up… All those lights pointed directly at the stage are blinding. I doubt I’ll even be able to see the audience.”

Yamcha placed his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “This place is mostly used for rock concerts and that sort of stuff, of course it’s not gonna be set up for intimate performances like you’ve done so far. Try and appreciate it- this is your first ticketed show, and the whole venue sold out! There’s hundreds of people out there all excited to watch your performance. I’m so freakin’ proud to be yours right now!”

“I’ll admit, it was thrilling receiving my cut of the ticket sales. I’ve certainly succeeded in amassing financial power on this planet. It makes a nice little footnote as we end our time on Earth.”

The human sighed and lowered his hand. “So there’s really no chance of you changing your mind? These six months weren’t enough?”

“My mind has been set from the very beginning, dear Yamcha. I was born to rule, to conquer… My agreement to spend this time here was only for your sake.” He let go of the curtain and turned toward the taller man. “Tomorrow will mark exactly six months from the day we formed our partnership. You’ll of course be joining me when I return to space, right?”

“If your mind was set on going back to your old business, well, mine is set on being with you.” He took his hands in his own. “You’re everything I ever wanted, so I’m gonna stay with you for as long as you’ll have me. It’s just…”

“What is this hesitation?”

The human laughed a little and shrugged. “It’s kinda silly I know, but when I was still thinking I had a chance of getting you to stay here on Earth instead I was looking at houses. There’s this one that’s for sale, out in the wilderness so we’d have our privacy but still a quick flight to the city for when we wanted to. Real cozy but spacious, and it had this sweet rooftop deck and even a guest house in the back that Puar could live in… I really liked it, thought you would too. I’d been fantasizing about buying the place for you, but I guess we don’t need it now.”

“Oh? Didn’t you say back before we became a couple that you’d saved up money to buy a ‘beautiful house for your beautiful wife’ or some such nonsense?” Frieza asked accusingly, inwardly pleased to see Yamcha’s previously downcast expression replaced by flustered stammering. Seeing his partner disappointed had been almost painful enough to make him change his mind, but this was a good reminder that it was easy to turn his human’s dark moods around. He’d make him happy. He’d have no regrets about leaving his home planet behind, and without the distractions of Earth he’d have his human’s full attention. So he teased him a little more, stepping back and airily saying, “well, perhaps you’ll be satisfied with a beautiful spaceship and possibly even, at some point in the future, a beautiful husband, hmm?”

“H-husband?!” While they hadn’t openly discussed making things permanent prior to this, of course Yamcha had been daydreaming about marrying Frieza! “Y-yeah, I think I could totally be satisfied with that, if uh, I was ever lucky enough for it!”

The emperor chuckled a little more before sparing him by changing the subject. “Your associates… they all came tonight, I expect?”

Yamcha pulled himself back together and nodded. “Yeah, I was just out there a couple minutes ago. Launch and Puar of course, but everyone else, too… except for Vegeta. I asked Bulma and she said he refused to attend”

“Oho ho, somehow I’m not surprised in the least by that confirmation. I’m unbothered by it, after all, I invited him to tonight’s event with the same sincerity that he invited me to his silly little vow renewal.”

“Goku’s there, though.”

“Good. With how many of my works he has inspired it only seems natural that he should be in the audience of my final performance to at last hear them… I doubt he’ll understand that, though. Even if he does turn out in a shocking twist to have an ear for poetry I suspect he’ll fall asleep before I even finish my opening lines.”

“Ha! You’re probably right. If it’s not fighting or food it can be near impossible to keep that guy interested. But Gohan’s here, and Tien, Piccolo, Chichi, the Androids, Mr. Satan… everyone, really. My point is, you’ve got tons of support here tonight. Our friends are all happy for your success.”

“Your friends, you mean,” he corrected with a roll of his eyes. “The only support I desire is yours, but it will be entertaining, showing off my superiority in front of them-“

A stage hand interrupted them. “Lord Frieza, you’re on in five!”

“Understood. I’ll be ready.” As he stepped back into his dressing room for his final preparations, Yamcha found his own spot in the wings. The event’s organizers had given Frieza some tickets as part of his compensation, but he asked they be given to the others in their circle- he wanted his human to get the closest possible view of his performance… and he got off a bit on the idea of a quick make out session during intermission.

The alien entered the stage several minutes later to the cheering of his fans. Another member of the production crew shook his head. “I’ve never seen anything like this for a… poet? Performance artist? Whatever he is, they love him.”

Yamcha mostly ignored him, his eyes only on Frieza as he greeted the audience. “Yeah… he’s really, really special.”

His boyfriend spoke in his usual cool, smooth tone as he delivered his opening words to the crowd, but frowned a bit as he looked out in front of him. As he’d thought, he couldn’t even see the audience past the glare of the high powered lights. He looked up instead- he’d had some concerns when the events company that hired him for this performance said they’d booked an open air amphitheater, but it was a gorgeous evening, and even with West City’s light pollution he could see the full moon and a few stars.

Earth hadn’t been terrible in the end, but that vast sky above him was his birthright. Casting his eyes back down to his fans he smiled. “You are all wiser than you know for choosing to be here tonight. This will be my final performance, and I will make sure it’s truly one to remember. And now, here’s a work inspired by a man who happens to be present in the audience at this very moment…”

Goku, who as Frieza had predicted was half asleep, suddenly sat up. “Something’s coming… you guys feel that?”

Piccolo nodded. “Yeah… something strong. That’s a massive power.”

“Y-yeah,” Krillin agreed. “And it doesn’t feel friendly!”

Up on the stage Frieza was oblivious to this distraction, deep in his emotional, angry performance, but off to the side Yamcha was nervous. “What is that? It feels terrifying, but also like… maybe I’ve felt it before?”

Despite the warriors having the advantage of feeling this presence, it was actually a sharp eyed regular human in the audience that caught its source first. “W-what the hell is that?!” He shouted, pointing up. High in the sky above them was a spaceship, rapidly descending toward the stage.

Launch and Puar exchanged a quick glance. They were the only ones who knew about the deal their besties had made- six months together on Earth, then Frieza would choose if they stayed there or returned to space- as Yamcha worried his other friends would try and stop them. They also knew they were only one day out from that deadline. “Guess Frieza’s being extra as usual. He musta wanted to make his grand exit in front of a couple hundred of his most adoring fans, doncha think?” Launch quietly asked.

Puar replied in a whisper. “Sounds like something he’d do. We can’t let the others interfere!”

She nodded, then quickly stood up and grabbed Goku’s arm. “Hey, calm down! It’s not a fight! This is, uh, all part of the performance!”

“Huh?”

“Yeah!” Puar lied, “a big show like this is all about the spectacle, of course Lord Frieza wanted to do something special for it!”

Gohan sat back down. “What a relief!”

“More like a disappointment, I like fighting a lot more than listening,” Goku complained as he returned to his seat. “But who’s in that ship? It still feels like bad news…”

In the wings Yamcha had made the same assumption. “I guess Frieza wants to go out in style… I just wish he’d given me a heads up so I could of had my bag ready. Maybe he’s doing a dramatic exit now then we’ll fly the ship over to the apartment to grab our things and pick up Puar?” He looked at the ship and sighed.

…he really didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to leave his home, to turn his back on everything he’d spent his life protecting, but… “It’s for Frieza. And for him, anything is worth it.”

With the stage lighting making it near impossible to see it took the emperor a few moments to notice the commotion in the audience, and another moment to look up and see the cause of it. He quickly returned the microphone to its stand and took a step back. “What is this? Why is my ship here?” Having destroyed his scouter he’d had no way to let his forces know he was planning on returning- that’s why he’d been intending to steal a ship from Capsule Corp.

Completely on edge he didn’t notice Yamcha joining him on stage until his partner was right at his side and laughing. “Geez, Frieza, leaving in the middle of your own show is pretty over the top by even your lofty standards, but I’m as ready as I can be I guess-“

“I didn’t plan this,” he tensely said.

“Wait what?!”

“I am uncertain if my prolonged silence was too much for my troops and they sent someone out to search for me, or if they have… other intentions. Stay close to me until I figure this out.”

“Right.” Yamcha nodded, narrowing his eyes. “But you should know, there’s someone really strong in there. I think I’ve felt this energy before but can’t quite put my finger on when.”

“Whoever it is I don’t need to be able to feel them to be fully confident that we are far stronger.”

The audience was loving this- considering how Frieza made his whole ‘alien space emperor’ persona his trademark they quickly came to the same conclusion as the rest that this was part of the show. When Yamcha joined Frieza on the stage he also received plenty of cheers from his own fans as well as fans of the couple.

The main entrance hatch slowly opened, and out flew several soldiers, who stood at attention as a massive being exited the ship.

“Holy shit… isn’t that..?”

Frieza slowly nodded. “Yes. It seems someone was fool enough to revive him. My papa…”

King Cold landed on the stage and approached them. “It’s been entirely too long, hasn’t it, my dear son?”

“Why are you alive?” The confused younger Icejin demanded.

“Is that any way to greet your father after all these years?”

“I think it’s a fair question to get out of the way before we engage in any idle small talk, don’t you agree?”

Back in the audience, Goku was again getting to his feet. “That guy looks and feels like absolute evil-“

Gohan nodded, rolling up his sleeves. “That’s King Cold, Frieza’s father. Trunks took care of him before you arrived so you never got to see him, but he’s every bit as bad as Frieza used to be.”

“Stop being so gloomy!” Launch blocked them again. “Don’t you think Yamcha wanted to meet his boyfriend’s father?”

“Yeah!” Puar agreed, “Don’t you dare interrupt this important relationship milestone!”

“Are you saying Yamcha and Frieza actually wished him back?” Krillin blinked.

“Of course they did!” Launch lied, “now will you please just sit down and enjoy the show?!”

As this happened, the group on stage continued their conversation, still several feet away from the microphone and thus privately. “You want to know how I’m here before we speak further? Fair enough.” The King folded his arms. “When you ventured to Earth on your own and demanded none of your men follow you, then ignored all efforts at communication, it was naturally assumed that you had fallen to the Saiyans. Without a strong head to keep them in line, the Frieza Force found itself struggling, so they once again gathered those troublesome Dragon Balls and made a wish- but they worded it based on the incorrect assumption that you had perished. ‘Please bring back our deceased former leader’ I believe was the exact wording. And so, to my surprise I was in the land of the living once more.”

“Ah. The incompetence of our men is a sadly predictable occurrence.” Frieza shook his head. Yamcha was confused.

“Wait, the Dragon Balls? You mean Earth’s set, right? But that can’t be right, they haven’t been touched in ages! The sky goes dark when the dragon is summoned, surely I woulda noticed!”

“Perhaps this occurred during the dark of night? Or while we were briefly training to be Destroyers?” Frieza mused before flat out asking. “When was this?”

“Approximately half of one of this planet’s years ago.”

“Ah. That would explain it then… And you are here to return the role of leader to me, I take it?”

Cold looked at the crowd, and then turned back to his son. “I didn’t believe you’d make the mistake of dying at a Saiyan’s hand yet another time, but with the mysterious circumstances of your disappearance, I had to prepare myself for whatever I would find here. I even took inspiration from what I learned about your own ascension to a powerful new Golden form, and did some training. If memory serves you trained for four months? So I trained for six, just to certain. I was always the more cautious member of our family-”

“And? You still haven’t answered my question. Please, cease this talking in circles and answer me. Why are you here?”

“So direct!” He chuckled for a moment. “To be quite frank then, I came as soon as I mastered my new strength, but it seems my concerns were unnecessary. Here you are, ready to come back with me, not a captive of the Saiyans or any of the other worst case scenarios I’d prepared for. I’m quite grateful for this second chance at life but I’d like to return to the leisure of retirement. As such, I place the title of leader back upon you-“

“Um, Lord Frieza, none of this is in the script-“ the show’s technical director shouted from just off stage.

“I’ve got this,” Yamcha ran back over and quickly explained, “show’s over, sorry, we’re heading back up to space now.”

“What?! Is this a joke?!”

“Does that look like a joke?” He replied, pointing at the ship still hovering above the stage, before returning to his boyfriend’s side.

“A script? So these are spectators for a performance, not an army you’ve raised?” Cold asked, turning to regard the audience with mild distaste.

“An army? Well, not in the sense you seem to have been thinking. They’re not here to fight for me, but to provide financial power.” Frieza stepped toward the audience and bowed dramatically. The crowd, already in a commotion over this strange turn of events, seemed to take this as confirmation that things were indeed under control and all part of the show, and burst into applause.

“Lord Frieza! Lord Frieza!” Someone started a chant, and it quickly caught on until it was echoing through the amphitheater. He smirked and turned back to his father.

“While I was on Earth for very specific business, I am more than ready to return to my duties as a leader.” He then addressed his partner.

“Anyway, shall we? I know this is slightly earlier than we agreed, but this opportunity has presented itself in such an ideal manner, and you know I have no intentions of changing my mind on this.”

Yamcha shrugged. “I’m a man of my word. Let’s do this…” He still looked back out in the direction of the audience and couldn’t stop himself from sighing. He was gonna miss this place.

As for Frieza, he felt an odd sense of unease… Surely this should make him happy, right? It was a far more convenient way to leave this planet and return to his former life than his whole ‘steal a craft from Capsule Corp’ idea had been, and yet he hesitated to actually move toward the door of the ship…

“And this being that has interrupted us at least twice now is who, exactly?” Cold asked Frieza. He was grateful for something other than his uncertainty to focus on as he gave a quick introduction.

“His name is Yamcha. He is coming with me to space and shall be serving as my second in command.”

“An Earthling? That seems a strange choice, but our scanners did detect multiple remarkable power levels present, I assume he’s one of those?”

“Damn right I am,” Yamcha responded. “And since you’re Frieza’s dad I wanna get along with you, so-“ he held out his hand, “-nice to meet you!”

Cold didn’t accept it. “That’s a very disrespectful way to speak to speak to me, you know.”

“His roughness is part of his charm,” Frieza replied. “I think you will quickly come to see that what he lacks in social graces he more than makes up for in strength, intelligence, loyalty, and creativity.”

“If that’s the case, then a little test of these claims shouldn’t be an issue.” Faster than most of the beings present could see Cold swung a massive fist at Yamcha’s face. The human lifted his arms to block it but the blow never landed- Frieza’s tail struck it down, destabilizing the older alien and knocking him backwards.

“You will NOT lay a finger on him!”

Even if they couldn’t quite follow it, it was clear to the audience that this was a fight- and they were all for it. “Lord Frieza! Yamcha! Kick that Horny Bandit’s butt!”

“Horny Bandit?” The emperor blinked. “They think papa is me? Oh come now, we don’t look that much alike!”

“Uh, we’ll argue that point later, but I think he’s pissed…”

King Cold was glaring as he stood back up, but recomposed himself with a benevolent smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Putting in the effort to defend him, hmm? How unlike my cruel and sadistic son… I should have known there was something more than a failed mission keeping you on this planet. You harbor an attraction to this Yamcha, don’t you?”

“We have a bond, yes. What of it?” Frieza replied while keeping his wary eyes on the older alien. “As I said, he has the necessary qualifications for leadership-“

“My dear son, I thought you were smarter than this. Didn’t I teach you better than to let yourself be distracted by unnecessary emotions?”

The emperor’s own anger was starting to rise. “He is not a distraction, and in fact has been key in helping me find even greater strength of my own.”

“So the real reason you’ve been off galavanting on this miserable planet for months, ignoring your duties to the empire that was created from my hard work and gifted to you with the implicit understanding that you’d run it to the highest of standards… was because you sought to enjoy a dalliance with an Earthling?!”

He clenched his fists and spat, “as I stated, that was most certainly not what brought me here- but how dare you question my partnership with Yamcha, to desecrate it by calling it a mere dalliance?!”

“You think that I, your own father, wasn’t aware of the sorts of men you find yourself attracted to?”

Frieza glared. “Thanks to your own teachings I’ve avoided any sort dating prior to this. As such, I think you have no idea what you’re talking about-“

“I’d have to have been blind to not see where your eyes lingered- always on these large, brutish, smelly, hairy mammals. It was frankly embarrassing, but an embarrassment I was willing to suffer as long as you never acted upon it.”

Yamcha clenched his fists, desperately wanting to say something, to fight back against these insults to them both, but this was between Frieza and his parent… so he just took a step closer to his boyfriend in a show of wordless support.

“Say what you’d like, but Yamcha will be accompanying me. His talents and qualifications shall quickly make themselves clear. He is non-negotiable.”

Cold covered his eyes dramatically. “Well, the humiliation of having an Earthling in a position of high rank in the Planet Trade Organization is I suppose one I can begrudgingly overlook, if only because I’m quite keen on returning to retirement. Let us stop dawdling, the ship is ready to bring us back to the main fleet.”

“Yes, this has been an interesting diversion, but I’m more than ready to resume my rightful place as the ruler of this universe.” Frieza met Yamcha’s eyes and smiled as he forced back down his prior uncertainties. “I hope my predecessor’s rudeness hasn’t deterred you. If you’ll still do me the honor of accompanying me-“

“I made a promise,” Yamcha said, ignoring Cold’s disgusted snort. “You don’t have to worry. Nothing will stop me from being with you. But what about our things? I wasn’t expecting to leave so suddenly!”

“We’ll come back for them,” the emperor replied, trying to ignore the wistful way Yamcha was taking a seemingly final look at the world that had been his home. “For now it’s best we make our departure before certain members of the audience try to interfere. I’d imagine the only reason they haven’t as of yet is thanks to the what’s undoubtably the quick thinking of my dear favorite.”

“Come back?” Cold shook his head. “Why, the Saiyans are still here, are they not? We’ll need to destroy this planet immediately to remove that threat.”

“Y-you’re gonna destroy Earth?!” The human felt like his heart had been plunged into ice. “F-frieza, I know that had been your plan back in the day, but I thought… I thought that had changed?!”

“Of course it hasn’t,” The larger alien scolded. “My son harbors a deep hatred for the people of this rock, right, Frieza?”

The emperor looked between them both. Yes, destroying Earth had been the plan for a long time… but he’d kinda forgotten about it over the last half year.

If he did, he’d be living up to what Cold had taught him- the necessity of self preservation, of mitigating risk, and of course, of revenge. More importantly, he and his partner would be able to make a clean start together in space. Without the temptation of returning to his home planet, nothing could steal his Yamcha away from him…

And yet…

He thought of espresso, and sushi, and even that disgusting beer. Of the beach, the university, and that tiny studio apartment they’d started out in. Of the thrills and annoyances of his new fame…

And of Launch, and Puar, and the rest of Yamcha’s friends… his friends.

Of everything he’d shared here with that one remarkable man that he was just going to have to trust had meant it when he said he wanted to be with him always.

Of Yamcha. His dear, strong, handsome, immeasurably wonderful Yamcha.

He sighed. Love had made him grotesquely sentimental. “Earth stays. This is also non-negotiable.”

“Frieza…” his partner teared up for a moment, relief and gratitude filling him, before quickly blinking it back and slapping him on the back with a big grin. “Whaddaya know, this place grew on you after all, huh?”

Cold was decidedly less pleased. “Are you listening at all to what you’re saying? This planet must be destroyed for you to have any semblance of safety! The Saiyans must be eradicated before they can grow to be any stronger of a threat to us! Would you go against what I taught you, and risk the empire I built for you?” He glared at the man who’d caused all this for a moment before continuing, “didn’t you learn anything from that silly little story you like so much, the one where the foolish couple turns their back on their duty to their familes and winds up dead?”

“You insult the masterpiece that is ‘Romeo and Juliet’ by calling it a ‘silly little story,’ yet insult it even more by completely missing its point. Although I suppose it would be hypocritical of me to criticize you too harshly for that, as I for many years also misunderstood its meaning. It is not about the punishment awaiting those who go against duty… It’s about how certain things, things that may even seem frivolous or sudden to those watching from the outside… certain relationships, certain people, are worth more than life itself, and even if it’s at the risk of losing everything, they must be pursued!”

Glaring at his parent, Frieza reached out, took Yamcha’s hand in his own, and stood up straight. His human squeezed that hand tightly, also glaring at the taller alien, so fixated on the moment that they didn’t notice their hand holding had brought forth another fit of cheering from the audience.

“So you’re really throwing everything I’ve raised you to be back in my face and acting so irrationally… for this Earthling’s sake?”

“I have my motives. Now, if you’ll agree to those terms- that Yamcha shall accompany me and take the place of second in command, and that this planet will remain protected, the three of us will be able to make a peaceful return to space. However, if you do not… I have no objections to marking my grand return to the position of ruler of this universe by returning you to yours as just another corpse rotting in hell.”

“There’s the ruthless man I raised,” Cold smiled. “Unfortunately, I’m finding myself doubting you. You see, I had another concern when I came here- not just the possibility the Saiyans had captured you, but that they’d done something even worse…”

“Forgive me, King,” Yamcha said, trying to be polite (after all, this was his boyfriend’s parent!) despite an intense dislike of the man, “but I think you misunderstand the remaining Saiyans. Goku and Vegeta and their kids aren’t bad people. I mean, Vegeta’s not crazy about Frieza but he’s been cool with him staying here, and all Goku wants from him is a good sparring session. No one wants to capture your son, and certainly nothing worse than that!”

“Well… that clears up everything rather neatly, doesn’t it?” Cold’s smile was as chilling as his name and left Yamcha feeling like he’d somehow made things worse. “You see, my very worst fear was that my dear son hadn’t been harmed by the Saiyans and their allies, but instead been swayed into siding with them. Since your- partner? Boyfriend? Whatever you’re considering this Earthling to be- just confirmed he’s a close associate of the Saiyans, it seems he’s proven that very fear to be correct.”

“It’s nothing of the sort!” Frieza countered, “I couldn’t care less about the Saiyans.”

“Then prove it by destroying the Earth. Your human can seek shelter in our ship first, I’m not fully unreasonable after all.”

“It seems we have reached an impasse, am I correct?” Frieza let go of Yamcha and stepped in front of him before powering up as dramatically as ever into his Golden form. “Well, papa? You’ve heard tales of it, but what do you think now that you at last have the chance to behold the fearsome power of the mighty Golden Frieza?” The audience absolutely lost it at this point, still thinking this was some high quality special effect that was suddenly making the performer’s body glow with a metallic hue.

“What do I think? I think it’s high time I taught you another lesson, the same way I did when you were a child!”

Frieza laughed. “It seems you think this is merely a change of appearance? I assure you, if there were a scouter capable of measuring my current power level you wouldn’t so casually assume you could lay a hand on me now!”

“Wait a sec, are you saying he hit you when you were a kid?! I know cruelty is your family’s thing and all, but you hit your kid?!” Yamcha’s anger broke through his previous stunned silence and he stepped forward, glaring up at the larger man. “That is NOT cool!”

His boyfriend held his arm in front of him. “Stay back, Yamcha. I can handle him.”

“Your new form is impressive, but it seems you have already forgotten a key detail from earlier in our conversation.” Cold replied. “You aren’t the only one who’s found a new transformation!”

Yamcha probably would have been amused to see how a flair for being overdramatic ran in the family as he watched the King’s own rather extra transformation, but he was too horrified as he felt the intensely powerful, evil energy rolling off of him.

While most of the audience was cheering at what they thought was another bit of fancy special effects, Goku stood up again, his expression grim.

“Sit down! I keep tellin’ ya, this is all part of the plan!” Launch insisted, trying to push him back into his seat, but he easily pulled away.

“No, I can feel it… his intentions are as bad as they come.”

“Yeah,” Piccolo grimly agreed, “I’ve never felt such malicious energy!”

“Stand down, all of you.”

“Lord Beerus?!” The group turned around, and sure enough the destroyer and his attendant were sitting in the seats behind them. “When did you two get here?”

“That’s not important. What matters is this- there’s more at stake here than you realize. It’s imperative that we see how this plays out, as such I can not allow you to interfere.”

“But Cold just got way stronger, Yamcha and Frieza are gonna need help-“

Whis had been considerably more relaxed than the god, but at this he set aside his box of popcorn and stared the Saiyan down, suddenly deadly serious. “We will require your cooperation on this. But I can tell you one thing- Frieza and Yamcha are both far more powerful than you realize.”

As the mortals nervously sat back down, Beerus folded his arms and said quietly to the angel, “Yes… more powerful than any of us could have guessed. But it’s what they’ll choose to do with this strength that could potentially change the entire cosmic balance…”

Back up on the stage, Frieza stretched slightly, smirking. “So this is what it comes down to, hmm? A long overdue battle between the old generation and the new?”

“So it seems. But there’s no need to worry, I’ll pull my punches the moment I’ve beat the sense back into you. I still desire a return to retirement after all, and I can’t do that if my successor is dead… although if it becomes clear you’re beyond saving, then I will not hesitate to reduce you and your new allies to dust beneath my feet!”

Yamcha took a spot at his boyfriend’s side, his aura sparkling brightly as he allowed the resonance to strengthen him. “You sure about this?” He asked quietly.

“Of course. There was never any affection in my family, we were simply a group united only by blood that found one another beneficial to our own needs. If it comes down to it, I will feel no regrets in destroying him.”

“Heh, if you’re positive then count me in, I’ve been wanting to break his nose ever since he mentioned hitting you-“

“No, Yamcha, I need you to sit this one out. This is the man I learned all of my cunning and cruelty from-“

“Yeah, and?” The human demanded, “if you’re fighting him then I wanna help you!”

“No!” Frieza snapped before looking away and lowering his voice. “I can not allow myself to take risks when it comes to your safety. You are… too important to me. Go to the audience with the others, I’ll take care of this-“

“You do remember I’m every bit as stubborn as you are, right?” Yamcha said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “And besides, we’re stronger together.”

The emperor looked back into those warm, determined eyes and sighed. “Very well. But promise me you’ll take the necessary measures for your safety if this fight gets to be too much?”

“Heh, only if you agree to the same thing. You’ve seen how strong I’ve gotten, maybe I’ll win it all before you even have a chance to attack?”

That confidence… one of the many, many things he loved about his partner. Frieza chuckled. “Alright then, that will be our agreement.”

“Are you two done with this nauseatingly soft hearted chit chat?” Cold demanded. “I’m ready to get this little lesson in respecting one’s elders started, and since I believe in the importance of efficiency, I’ll begin with a strike at what seems to be the root of the problem!” He swung again at Yamcha, but struck air as the human dodged to the side and threw a punch of his own. The King flinched but recovered quickly. “That… stung. It’s clear to me now that you must be one of those Earthlings who can raise their power level at will- oof!”

While he’d been talking Frieza attacked, kicking his the older alien right in the stomach. “You’re amazing,” Yamcha grinned at his boyfriend- they were both distracted for the briefest of moments by the crowd’s excited roar and were sent flying by Cold’s next blow. The human fell into the audience, dazed for a moment and confused as to why he felt so many hands on him as he crowd surfed back to the fight. His boyfriend was slammed into some scaffolding supporting the lighting, breaking it and sending both the lights and himself crashing back down onto the stage.

Cold laughed as they pulled themselves to their feet. “Goodness me, I hadn’t anyone on my level to test my new abilities against, so I’m surprising even myself with how powerful I’ve become!”

Frieza ignored him and said quietly to his partner, “he’s too impressed with himself.”

“Yeah, but he should be,” Yamcha winced, “he’s not the fastest or the greatest martial artist or anything like that but when his hits connect they’re brutal.”

“If you can’t continue-“

“What did I tell you about my stubbornness, huh?”

“Fine then! Let’s go on the offensive then!” The two men dived forward, each attacking from a different side.

Their advantage in numbers was short lived- the King shouted to the soldiers that were still waiting near his ship, “What are you waiting around like that for?! Take care of this human so I can focus on teaching my unruly son a lesson!”

Four strong aliens shouted “Yes, your highness!” And descended on Yamcha, surrounding him and cutting him off from the other two. Frieza saw this and attempted to intervene but Cold wouldn’t allow it, blocking him and taking advantage of his distraction to blast him in the face with a large amount of Ki.

“Shit…” Yamcha muttered, “I gotta wrap this up fast for both of our sakes!”

“Ha, that won’t be easy!” The soldiers came at him from all directions, and he quickly flew upwards, forcing them to follow him before turning back around and kicking one of them into another, then dodging as the remaining two both charged him, missed, and crashed into each other. Proud, he glanced over to see if Frieza had seen his triumph and was slightly disappointed to see he was too caught up in his own fight to have been watching him be cool. The audience definitely saw though, and were screaming in excitement. Oh right… the audience! Yamcha collected the four dazed underlings, flung them with a professional sportsman’s precision right back through the open main hatch of the ship, then rushed back to his boyfriend’s side.

“Yamcha!” Frieza smiled even as he barely dodged a strike from Cold’s tail. “I should have known those fools would be no trouble for you.”

He grinned for a second then turned serious. “As much as your fans are loving the show I’m worried someone’s gonna get hurt if we keep fighting here… King Cold, if we gotta do this, can we at least take it outside the city?”

With a shake of his head and a cruel smirk the older alien said, “now why would I want to agree to that?” He pointed a finger toward the audience and shot out a Death Beam- Frieza kicked his arm hard and managed to throw off his aim, sending it harmlessly into the sky. Growling, he attacked again, and once again his son managed to stop him just in time.

“We don’t have time to draw this out- let’s settle this, Yamcha!” Frieza gave his partner a meaningful look. “I’ll take the lead, and I trust you’ll know what to do from there?” They nodded, then Frieza dove forward, unleashing a flurry of strikes with all five of his limbs. Cold blocked as best he could then jumped back, endeavoring to make some space between them so he could charge up a large amount of Ki. The younger alien kept up his attacking, shooting multiple Death Beams which the king barely dodged.

“There we go,” Yamcha whispered, sending his Spirit Ball after the stray beams and pulling several of them together. His and his boyfriend’s energies danced through the air for a moment before he redirected them back toward his distracted adversary. It went straight through his leg- with a strangled grunt of pain Cold fell to the floor. Frieza pinned him down with his tail and raised his arm, gathering Ki into a massive Death Ball.

“Y-you’d really kill your own father?! I made you! Please, I’ll allow your relationship and spare the Saiyans and this planet-“ The emperor growled, pushing down harder with his tail until the stage beneath the larger alien began to splinter. Cold’s eyes widened, then closed, an odd smile on his lips. “Well, for my own end to come this way… at least I can take deep pride in the fact that my efforts to raise a truly ruthless tyrant have paid off in some form. I’ll live on in you, Frieza.”

Yamcha cautiously approached, taking Frieza’s free hand in his own and quietly asking, “Is this… what you think is best?”

It would be so easy… Cold’s will to fight had been lost along with his confidence, it seemed, and their combination attack had weakened him considerably. All he had to do was launch the final blow and he’d be gone, free of his dark influence… but not the burden of his expectations.

“…’deny thy father and refuse thy name,’ hmm?” he said quietly. Yamcha blinked.

“That’s Shakespeare.”

“Do you remember, dear Yamcha, a conversation we had at that farce of a vow renewal? Specifically, one about my father’s expectations for me, and how my only rebellion against them was to take up an interest in literature?”

“Yeah, I do. I accused you of being tame,” he smirked a little, “but why bring that up now when, uh…” he gestured between the massive ball of energy formed over them and the nervous looking villain still pinned to the stage.

“I think perhaps I am many, many years overdue for a proper bit of rebelling, don’t you agree? And so…” He flung the Death Ball upwards, letting it vanish in an explosion high above them to the sounds of the audience cheering on the fireworks, then lifted his tail. “Papa… you are to leave this planet immediately. Limp back to a healing tank and reflect on the utter and complete failure of a parent you’ve been, as you’ve been spared by what you taught me to never show- mercy.”

He scrambled to his feet, his tail supporting his injured leg. “Yes, of course!” He flew back up toward his ship, lingering at its entrance.

Frieza sighed and folded his arms. “This is entirely thanks to your influence softening me you know, my Yamcha.”

The human flung his arms around his boyfriend and swung him in a circle, laughing. “I knew it! I knew there’s a good guy hiding inside you! Guess your time on Earth has brought out the best in you after all!”

“Yes, Earth…” Cold said quietly from his spot up above them. “This planet is what changed my son. Those Saiyans… and that wretched Yamcha…” He raised his voice slightly, and the couple below him froze to listen. “It would be easy to get rid of the root of the problem. Yes, I think that will fix everything, won’t it?” Without warning he blasted a massive amount of energy- likely everything he had left- downwards. “You’ll survive this, Frieza, but this corrupting planet and that damned human won’t!”

For the briefest of moments it was like everything froze- then the emperor shoved Yamcha off of him and into the audience.

He had to save this world that had brought them together. He had to save these people he’d somehow came to care about.

He had to save him.

Every bit of his power was thrown into a desperate attack of his own, his Ki only briefly struggling against Cold’s before completely engulfing it, then the King and his ship, and vaporizing them.

As Yamcha ran back over to his boyfriend and held him, Whis smiled from his spot in the audience. “Well, what do you know? It seems we had nothing to worry about. In the end, after everything, even Frieza can be a hero.”

“Indeed. There’s something about this place, and the people here, that seems to have an undeniable effect on even the most violent of hearts,” Beerus agreed.

“Including yours?” His attendant chuckled. Beerus shrugged.

“Oh, whatever, now that the fighting is over I’m bored again and this audience is cheering far too loudly. It’s time we take our leave.”

“Whatever you say, Lord Beerus,” Whis nodded, “but I’m grabbing another box of this popcorn before we do, it’s truly marvelous how it mixes salty buttery flavors and an appealing texture into utter culinary perfection!”

Back up on the stage Frieza, still tightly holding Yamcha’s hand, bowed then returned to the miraculously undamaged microphone. “Well, that was quite the unexpected yet exciting bit of spectacle, was it not? But I believe you are all here for a different sort of performance…”

- - -

A little over a year had passed since Frieza’s ‘final’ show. That turned out to be a bit of a misnomer- those moments of truth when he finally properly looked at both his old life and new one had shown him which of the two was undeniably richer, and he’d put as much conviction into staying on, and protecting, the Earth as he’d previously had to leaving it- and in staying on this planet he kept up his career as a poet / performance artist. This was on a much smaller scale, however. No more big shows where he couldn’t see the reactions he craved from his audience!

Toning down the size and frequency of his performances, as well as flat out refusing to do any further photoshoots, interviews, or other publicity, had a wonderful side effect in slowly helping bring his fame to a more manageable level. While it took some time to calm the initial wave of interest from the paparazzi down (after all, the ‘poetry reading featuring a live sci fi fight with incredible special effects’ had made news around the world) the general public did eventually move on, allowing him to maintain his fame in the local arts scene without having the unwanted drama of being half of the ‘it’ couple. He could enjoy what he loved about his unlikely calling without all the unintended drama that had came along with it.

And as for Yamcha? He also stepped back out of the spotlight as best he could… and he did end up buying Frieza that house he’d liked, and just as he’d hoped the emperor liked it too. While his beloved’s heroics had saved the Earth from King Cold he still didn’t want to call himself a hero, but the human was happy that his partner was now sticking with being ‘casually evil instead of actively evil.’

Yes, Yamcha was quite happy with how his life was going… “Okay, aside from my beer, I’ll be paying for whatever my fiancé is drinking.”

“I’ll have your best red wine provided it isn’t from a box or one of those little plastic bottles. If you don’t carry anything that matches that description then I shall be forced to settle for your finest whiskey instead.”

The bartender nodded. “Uh, whiskey it is then,” and stepped aside to pour their drinks. To the alien’s left, Launch rolled her eyes.

“Ya know, bandit boy, it’s been a month, you don’t need to keep forcin’ the fact that you’re engaged into every. Single. Conversation. It’s gettin’ old.”

Yamcha laughed. “Look, the most incredible being in the universes agreed to be mine, how can you expect me to NOT brag about it a little?”

She leaned on the bar and loudly sighed. “Well, just keep it up. Don’t mind poor little Launch and her broken heart. You got your soul mate but not all of us can be so lucky!”

“Is she starting up on this nauseating rant again?” Frieza muttered. Puar, who was sitting on the bar to Yamcha’s right, floated over and poked him in the arm.

“I think she just does this to mess with you, you know!”

She shook her head and grinned. “Hey, maybe it’s not too late for me- we could use the Dragon Balls and wish that giant sexy creep back and then I just know I could tame ‘im!”

“For the last time we are not bringing King Cold back so you can date him!” Frieza snapped. His bestie was undeterred.

“Yamcha, you get it, right? I always thought your tail fetish was weird and freaky but when I saw Cold’s I felt it. I wanna get all wrapped up in it and-“

“I am going to vomit.” Frieza stood up, knocking over his bar stool in the process. Yamcha stood as well, blocking him.

“Come on, you can’t leave yet, we’re here for a reason. Besides, the bartender’s coming back with your drink- hmm? … Frieza? Have I got something on my face?”

Even now, after a year and a half as a couple, the emperor had moments where he was dazzled by that compelling warmth in his gorgeous fiancé’s eyes. “Ah… I suppose you’re right. Forgive my lack of manners.”

The door to the bar opened, and the friends waved to catch the attention of a newly arrived Tien. He joined them at the bar, staring at the floor. “Thank you all for agreeing to help me with this-“

“Now wait a sec,” Launch demanded. “I thought Yamcha moving on from Bulma had inspired you to move on too, right?”

“Yes-“

“And that Frieza broadening his focus to things other than conquest had inspired you to pursue things other than just strength?!”

“Yes-“

“And that because of those things you were gonna actually try and get a date?!”

“Please lower your voice,” he replied, embarrassed.

“I’m right though, right?!”

“Yes-“

“Then why the heck are you dressed like a farmer?!”

“She’s not lying, man,” Yamaha agreed.

Tien shrugged awkwardly, folding his arms as though trying to hide the oversized and slightly dirty jacket they were all scrutinizing. “I didn’t think to change clothes before coming, you guys know I don’t normally do this sort of thing. Frieza, is it really that bad?”

“You’d have an easier time attracting a potential partner if you burned that thing, yes.”

“Wait, why are you asking Frieza in specific? You into his sort of fashion sense?” Yamcha wondered, glancing at his fiancé’s designer threads.

“Oh, it should be obvious- Tien wants to replicate my success,” Frieza leaned back against his partner, who responded by putting his arms around him. “You see, when it comes to men he and I have the same type. I have what he wants and thus he hopes I’ll help him find the same.”

“Wait… if you two have the same type…” Yamcha snickered, “then I must be Tien’s type- hey Tien, did you ever think I was hot?”

“Um…” Frieza, Launch, and Puar all cringed and Tien blushed. Yamcha just laughed harder.

“Hey, I’m just joking around, I know you always saw me as a bro!”

“How can one man be this oblivious?” Launch muttered.

“Anyway, lose that filthy coat. What’s under it?” Frieza asked.

Tien did so. “Isn’t this too casual though?” He asked. Frieza looked at the white tank top the jacket had been hiding and shook his head.

“It’s a dive bar, too casual doesn’t exist in trashy spots like this one,” he replied with a quick glare at their surroundings.

“Anyways, this is way better, look, he’s already attracting attention!” Launch smacked him on the back and laughed.

Frieza mentally cursed Tien for being so annoyingly tall. His favorite was right, though- between his height and his huge build his presence was hard to miss. Oh well- Tien’s stature was jealousy inducing, but Yamcha loved Frieza’s body exactly how it was. He coiled his tail around the other man’s leg without really thinking about it and continued to lean into his arms.

“That’s all well and good but now what?”

Puar giggled, “You find someone you think is cute and talk to him, obviously!”

“It can’t be that easy…”

The emperor quickly scanned the crowd. “There, in that booth near the pool table, you see him, right? Long hair, fit, seems to be alone, and from the way he keeps stealing glances at your massive shoulders I think it’s safe to say he likes men. Go to him.”

“Yeah, we’ll watch then my fiancé and I will critique your approach, cool?” Yamcha asked, emphasizing the word yet again just because it made him so happy. “Best case scenario you’ve got yourself a boyfriend, worse case we can give you advice.” He leaned past the others to give Tien a shove in the right direction.

“F-fine. But what do I say?”

“It’s disappointing to see you so lacking in self assurance,” Frieza scolded. “You were so confident in battle, this is a rather embarrassing look for you. Find that same inner strength and go tell him your name for starters!”

“Right. Confident, like it’s a battle. Tell him my name. I can do this.” He stood, threw back his shoulders, clenched his fists, and stomped across the room.

“…he looks like he’s getting ready for a fight.” Yamcha sighed. Indeed, while his target had initially smiled when he saw the warrior headed his way it had turned to a questioning frown.

“If he doesn’t blow the greeting he can maybe still salvage this though!” Launch leaned forward. “This is so fuckin’ exciting!”

Their friend stopped in front of the man who’d been eyeing him and all but roared, “TIEN!”

“E-excuse me?!”

“That is my name!”

Yamcha pressed his face to Frieza’s shoulder to hide his eyes. “Oh geez, the second hand embarrassment here is physically painful. Were we ever that bad at flirting?”

“Of course we weren’t.”

“Oh, you two were just as bad if not worse,” Launch snickered, “it’s a miracle you two eventually figured out how you felt and got together.”

“Look! I think it’s okay!” Puar pointed at Tien’s potential date, who after a moment of stunned silence was laughing and inviting him to join him at his table. He glanced back at his friends, who all nodded or gave him a thumbs up, and sat down.

“Good for him,” the emperor said, then turned his attention back to his partner, studying his handsome face for a moment, thoughtful.

Yamcha had been grinning at his old friend’s awkward (but evidently working!) efforts to be charming on the other side of the bar but felt the weight of his beloved’s eyes on him and looked down, curious. “Huh? Something on your mind?”

“My favorite described our coming together as a ‘miracle,’ which I think is a bit excessive… but it’s odd to think our paths were so close to crossing for so many years yet it still took literal divine intervention to bring us together.”

“Yeah…it’s pretty crazy, huh? I wonder if a coincidence at any point coulda got us together sooner? Having you here has made my life so much more exciting, and fun, and wonderful in general! I finally have my perfect lover.”

“In the end I think you two would have found each other somehow even if Lord Beerus and Whis didn’t force it!” Puar said. “You just can’t fight the power of love!”

“Did you say ‘power of love’? Ugh!” Frieza shuddered. “That brings back annoying memories from the Tournament of Power…”

“Really? What, did one of your opponents fall for that gorgeous body and your asshole charms?” His partner teased. Frieza shook his head and stared at the ceiling for a moment, scowling as he reminisced.

“As you know we were pitted against groups of warriors from various different universes, most of which I’ve happily forgotten at this point, but some were irritating enough that I couldn’t if I tried. Universe 6, for example, with that charlatan Frost.”

“He was trouble alright,” Yamcha agreed, “it was pretty satisfying when you kicked his ass during that stressful dinner party Lord Beerus made us cater!”

“And I’ll admit now that seeing you had taken your own interest in my favorite author was a surprisingly nice way to end that farce… You’ve surprised me time and again, dear Yamcha. Anyway, another annoying universe was the one numbered… yes, I believe it was Universe 2.”

“Universe 2… Wait, I can’t believe I forgot until now, but Whis mentioned them to me when he brought me back to Earth after I gave up on becoming a god!” While it had been a year and a half at this point, he could still remember that conversation-

“You know, while resonating pairs like yourself and Frieza are immensely rare, there’s one universe where they seem to naturally occur with a higher frequency than any other.”

“Really?”

“That’s right. Universe 2. They call it something else though, and I’ve never seen even there a set that resonated as well as you two do. If you do reunite with Frieza at some point, you should ask him about it.”

Frieza shrugged. “They’re best left forgotten. A foolish group overly reliant on one another that wouldn’t shut up about the supposed source of their strength.”

Source? This must be what Whis had meant- their alternate name for the resonance? “And what did they call this ‘source of their strength’?”

His fiancé rolled his eyes. “They claimed it was the ‘power of love,’ ridiculous as that is!” He chuckled, then seemed surprised that Yamcha didn’t do the same. “Hmm?”

“So all along… Whis saw our strong resonance… and he knew you and I…?”

“What are you mumbling about?”

“It’s nothing,” the human replied, then laughed, pulled Frieza back into his arms, and gave him a quick, hard kiss. “I just, more than anything… I love you so much!”

The alien’s pale cheeks turned pink and he raised a hand ostensibly to politely shield another chuckle yet really to hide his feelings. Still, he smiled a little and closed his eyes as he pressed himself into his partner’s embrace and returned it with his tail. “And I adore you, my dear, wonderful Yamcha. It seems things have worked out for Tien, I doubt he’ll need more of our help from here- shall we head back to our house?”

“Whatever you’d like, my amazing fiancé,” he replied, and after saying a quick good night to their friends and paying their bar tab they walked out the door hand in hand…

End Take a Deep Breath by MajinPiccolo

Author’s Note: End of the line at last, I’ve been working on this fic since March! I never intended it to become this long, I’m still dizzied by the word count. Sorry for the long, long wait for this chapter, I’ve been working some ridiculous hours at my job.

Anyway! Turns out the ‘resonance’ was the power of loooove all along- no wonder Whis was so confident in his end of the bet once he saw how their energies worked together! It was strong enough to make even Frieza become a reluctant savior of the Earth. And now that Yamza are experts on dating and romance they’re helping Tien find love as well!

What’s next? Gonna try and write something with intentionally shorter chapters. Probably Halloween one shot stories on both this and my other account. Also have a bunch of other one shots for the other account that I need to edit and get posted. Definitely more Yamza on the way.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to my wonderful commenters! Every single person who commented on this made me so happy. As a rare pair writer sometimes I feel like it’s not worth doing edits and posting what I write, then I get some sweet comment that reminds me I’m not the only one that thinks these two have a fun potential chemistry. Mega bonus thanks to dropout_ninja and JoshuaTheOwl for the amazingly in depth comments, as well as Yamza legend SkinsT for always being so supportive, but seriously, every one of you, even if you just commented once, I appreciate so, so much!

If this was the first of my fics you’ve read and you’re craving more Yamza, check out Perfect Stranger- another long fic although no where near as long as this that’s the best thing I’ve ever wrote- or Light The Fire, for a short cute fic that I’m also really happy with. Until next time!