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Mahiru always seemed to have a strong impression on the people she meets. It’s not that surprising, especially to the boys.
She tend to go harsher on them and she knows.
It’s not hard to notice something within yourself, she heard it many times. So how could she overlook something like that?
That doesn’t mean that she will change her behavior of course.
She wants them to rely on themselves. To take care of their life and to not cause problems to others. To not be useless and a weight to their loved ones.
She doesn’t want anyone to turn like her father.
She loves him of course, but she can’t deny that the consistent caring started to become unbearable. It started to drain her, it was exhausted.
And she loves her mom too. And she misses her. Sometimes she’s worried constantly of what’s going to happen to her mother. To have to work in a dangerous place. She’s afraid of losing her, she’s afraid of losing her dad too.
That’s for a different reason and she knows. She doesn’t know if she’s going to miss him, she’s afraid of finding the truth, that she didn’t love him, that she didn’t care. And she doesn’t want to find out.
It’s easier that way, to love her father even if he was a burden. Instead of seeing him as just a problem. It’s better to not know, it’s better than him leaving without any grief behind.
She knows about her mother, she knows she won’t care if he leaves. If he left them alone, because they always had each other. Even if they were far away from another. Even if they didn’t spend much time with one another. Mother at least cared, she always tell her love, she shows her she cares, that she’s her daughter not a maid.
And she does the same to her mom too.
And if her mom didn’t care? How is it fair? To feel nothing, maybe relief even. How is it fair?
It’s frustrating sometimes.
To wonder how her life would be without father, to conclude that it won’t be much different, that it may be easier even.
He’s unconscious most of the time, he’s alcoholic but at least he’s not violent, he’s useless but at least he’s not troublesome. But it doesn’t matter, she never stays with him and she’s not sorry for it.
It’s sad really, but it was his choice to stay that way. To not be better, to give up and to live without thinking for the rest of it.
Sometimes she thinks of that day. Where her friend invited herself to her home to borrow something. It wasn’t like she’s going to stay long, she would have loved for her to stay but she can’t. She doesn’t want her to see how pitiful her father is.
And so, she brought what her friend came for. Even though she thinks of that day a lot. She can’t seem to remember the details. It’s not like it mattered anyway.
Because she remembers, she remembers that she didn’t feel anger, that she wasn’t frustrated or embarrassed when her father showed himself in front of them with a cheap whiskey in hand ,it was predictable really. That he broke the fence when he stumbled on his own foot, that the shuttered pieces of the empty bottle are now on the floor, that his hand caught some of the pieces and it started bleeding.
She wasn’t surprised, neither was her father.
He just stared blankly at his hand, who knows why though. Maybe he got used to it, or maybe the alcohol finally started to reach his veins.
Either way, Mahiru couldn’t bring herself to care. She instead put her focus again on her friend, apologizing and hand her something and of course, her friend left.
She told her to do so.
Turning around, she throws the first aid they have on the floor close to the accident and started to work.
Because of course, her father would just let his wounds get infected. He would have only one hand because the other started to rotten and it needed to get chopped off.
It’s not like he needed two hands anyway, what will he lose? The possibility of holding drinks on both of his hands? Big deal.
Finishing her work, she lifted her head and happened to notice her father gazing at her. Like he’s searching, thinking of something to say.
But there’s nothing, he never—
“I’m sorry”
Her eyes widened, what did he? Did she hear him correctly? No, but, why?? He never said anything he never did and he’s not supposed to be. Was there anything specific to apologize for?? Did he think he embarrassed her in front of her friend?? That can’t be the reason.
“..huh? um.. it’s fine” she shook her head, hoping it was enough to end whatever this is and lowered her head. To inspect the end result of her process.
She felt something on her cheek.
Moving her hand hesitantly to reach for it, feeling confused from the texture. It was wet, she wasn’t crying was she?
She started to rub at her eyes furiously, vision becomes blurry. It started to hurt to rub at her eyes that hard, but tears only started to fall even more. She couldn’t stop, she didn’t even know why was she crying. She hid her face with both of her hands, trying to silence her hiccups, trying to hide her tears.
She almost forgot that her father is sitting in front of her.
She stood up too quickly the dizziness couldn’t catch up on her and walked. She just needed to get some fresh air, away from here, far from her father.
She always thought about that moment in the past, they never talked about it, she could have brought it up but the bigger part of her doesn’t want to know, she still doesn’t.
Because without learning the truth you could always lie to yourself. She could convince herself that her father was apologizing for everything. That he was sorry for being like this, that he didn’t have any self control and he hated himself for it and he wished for forgiveness from his daughter.
And it could be a stupid reason, maybe he finally had the decency to apologize for his recent behavior, maybe he felt bad for embarrassing his daughter. It’s more likely it was a reason like that.
But her father never apologized before, he never thanked her before, he never expressed his gratitude to have her in his life.
And she could lie to herself for the rest of eternity.
But that’s not real.
She wants to know, that small part of her tells her. That maybe her lie will become true, that she’s going to be satisfied for staying with her father for all of this time.
It will hurt her more otherwise.
And here she is, in front of their home, clutching at her own skirt. Nervousness creeping inside her.
As she waited for her father.