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It was supposed to be a morning like all the others. The sun was shining and Benedict woke up with the sound of his family pacing up and down the halls. The servants were starting to make beds and clean. A perfect busy ordinary morning.
He got dressed and carefully descended the stairs. He still hadn’t put his shoes on, he was at home and his family was already used to his eccentric behaviour. Maybe the coldness of the floor or the shivers that went down his spine should've been warnings of the tragedy that was about to happen. But, as I said, it was just a normal day.
Benedict sat up at the table. Anthony was gone, probably locked away in his study. Francesca was already playing on the pianoforte. His mother was finishing her breakfast and rapidly got up. A comforting hand squeezed his shoulder for a brief moment. It was just him and Eloise now. They shared a comfortable silence. Benedict lost in his thoughts and Eloise casually reading the newspaper.
- Oh my god, Benedict!- He lifted his head, a question on his face.- It says here that Sir Granville was accused of buggery and sodomy. He’s facing the death penalty. Didn’t you go to his parties?
He hesitated for a second before snatching the newspaper out of his sister’s hands. As he read the article his face got paler.
- I…
- It looks like you’ve seen a ghost.- She laughed lightly.
- I… I have… to go. I have to go!
Benedict got up and crossed the door in one movement. Panic growing in his chest. This was his worst nightmare. He needs to stop them!
- Benedict! What are you doing? Benedict!
Eloise ran towards him trying to hold him down.
- I have to go. Henry! Eloise, let me go!
He could barely breathe and his sister's arms around him weren’t helping.
- Anthony! Anthony! Come here now! Anthony!- Her voice echoed around the house. She didn’t want to attract mama’s attention but she needed to do something. Benedict was out of control and there was no way she was going to let him leave in that state.
- Eloise? I’m here.- The moment he entranced the room he saw Benedict’s expression of pure panic and Eloise’s effort to hold him in place. His face went from curious to preoccupied as he asked - What’s going on?
- I don’t know! He read the article I showed him and went crazy. I didn’t know what to do.
- Henry!- Benedict kept using all of his small breaths to scream.- Anthony! Please, I have to go. I have to find him! I have to save him!
- What is he talking about?- Anthony asked while helping her restrain their brother. Together they were able to lower him to the ground and forced him to sit still.
- There is an article on today’s paper. It said Sir Granville was accused of buggery.
- How much?
- Death penalty, Anthony.
- Oh my.
- And while you two are gossiping like debutants at a lady Dempsey's ball I could be helping him. Please let me go. I have to go! Let me go! LET ME GO!
His breath was getting more and more erratic and his speech more incoherent. It reached a point where they couldn’t hold him in place or shut him up. Henry’s name was echoing around the house and their mother’s footsteps could be heard.
- What is this? I thought to taught you to behave kids.- That’s when she finally caught sight of the mess.- Anthony? What happened to your brother?- She started to worry.- Do we need to call the doctor?
- No, mother. I don’t think so he’s just having a bad morning.
- Doesn’t seem like it’s just a bad morning to me.
Her face was twisted with confusion and preoccupation.
- Henry. Oh gods, Henry. I need. I need to see. Henry.
Benedict kept speaking incoherently. Servants were already entering the room. Trying to figure out if their masters needed help.
- That’s it!- Anthony snapped.- We are going to my study and I do not wish to be interrupted by anyone. Eloise help me.
Together, mostly Anthony, they forced Benedict to get up and follow them. His whole weight was supported by Anthony as Eloise made sure he didn’t run away.
- Don’t worry. I’ll solve this. I promise.- Anthony declared looking over his shoulder to his mother.
- Thank you.- She replied. Her face calmer now that she knew Anthony would take care of his brother the best way he could.
***
- Are you calmer now?
Anthony was at his desk and Eloise carefully sat on one of the armchairs. Benedict was half sat half laid down on the sofa. His breathing normalized but his mind was still in an absolute panic.
- No.- Benedict answered.
- What happened back there? You downright lost control. I mean I know you knew him but…
All Benedict wanted to do was to tell the truth. That he was watching his world crumbling down but he knew too damn well that he couldn’t. He had to lie.
- I don’t know. I was just surprised.
- Benedict, I know you. That was not you being 'surprised'.- Responded Eloise.
- I agree. What you just did back there… You were so loud that the servants and our mother decided to go and see what was happening.
- I just… I just kept thinking who could do this.- He tried to cover his true feelings about the matter at hand.- Someone who does that cannot be trusted. And those parties aren’t exactly socially appropriate. We don’t need more scandals in this family.
- You’re right about that brother. However, I do believe this person is most likely already satisfied. After all, they sent a person to their death.- Said Anthony.
- But who did this? Who had the ability to do this?- Benedict questioned.
- A lover perhaps? Out of rage or jealousy? Or to save their own skin?- Eloise started to get excited. Her detective mode on wanting to uncover the mysterious man.
- His lover didn’t do this. I can assure you that.- Benedict stated categorically.
The room went silent until Anthony whispered.
- You knew? That he was a sodomite?
- Yes.- then whispered more to himself than anything else.- Who could be so vile to the point of reporting him to the police?
Silence filled the room once more.
***
After the conversation at Anthony’s study, Eloise decided to go to the sitting room with her new book. She knew that Benedict even in the state he was in wouldn't try to leave the house for at least a couple of hours. She could barely focus as she kept replaying his outburst on her mind. He was a fairly calm person, exasperatingly reserved at times. He wouldn't lose control like this unless he had a good reason or it was a family matter.
That’s when it hit her. The sodomy charges the parties her brother’s contempt smile whenever he arrived home late at night the fact that he knew about Henry’s sin and the identity of his Lover.
- Oh dear. - She vocalized. Her sisters gazed at her but she ignored them and got up.
Eloise tried to go to Anthony’s study casually but her anxiety didn’t allow her to be discrete. She knocked softly and opened the door.
- I said I do not wish to be disturbed.- His voice was slurred like he was trying to explain something to a child but did not have the patience.- Oh, it’s you - he lifted his head. - Did he do any more stupidities?
- No, I don’t think so. I just… I think you need to know this…
- What is it?- His expression was curious but also slightly worried. It seems like this day is going to be all like this, he thought.
- Well… Benedict’s reaction this morning was peculiar, don’t you think? I mean I know he is different than the rest of us but that was too weird, even for him.
- Indeed, it was strange. - He paused. - Do you know the reason? Is that what this is about?
- I think I do. - She hesitated. - I’m not entirely sure but it makes sense. I don’t know if I should talk about this really.
- Eloise. It's me.
She took a deep breath and braced for impact.
- Well he knew about Henry’s lover and he was certain that he wasn’t the one doing this. That must mean he knew them well.
- Go on.
- Besides that, since he started going to Granville’s parties he’s been happier. You can barely notice it but he’s more confident.
- I don’t understand what this has to do with anything, Eloise.
She kept explaining her arguments.
- And finally, the way he reacted. He only reacts like that with people he deeply cares about.
- You can’t be suggesting…
- It all adds up, Anthony. Benedict has to be Henry’s lover.
- My brother is not a sodomite!- he practically screamed.- How could you say that!
- Stop obsessing over societal norms for one second and think, truly think, about this!
The room went silent.
- If you’re right…
- I know.
- What can we do?- This was one of the first times she saw Anthony completely and utterly lost. Torn apart by duty and brotherly love. She knew he would never report Benedict to the police but she wasn’t sure if their relationship would ever be the same. Maybe she should’ve kept her discoveries to herself. She opened her mouth several times but she didn’t know what to answer. - I would like to be alone now, please.
Eloise was nervous but got up and left the office. There was nothing she could do now.
***
- Eloise! Come here, please.
Anthony’s voice echoed around the house. If their mother was at home she would’ve probably scolded him. However, eternally unladylike Eloise just ran through the corridors until she was right next to her older brother.
- Anthony.
- I’ve decided what we need to do. - She was holding her breath. Fear crippling her. What would her brother force Benedict to do?- We are going to let him know what we know. Let him tell his story… And help him in any way we can.
- Are you serious?
- As serious as I can be. - She smiled and quickly started laughing. Anthony could see the relief on her face. - Come on, Eloise. He’s my brother too. I know you all think I’m too uptight but I do have a heart.
She immediately felt guilty.
- We know. I was just afraid of your reaction. This is illegal after all.
- Love should not be illegal or immoral. We do need to be rather careful. I don’t want our brother killed as well.
- I agree.- She hesitated and then asked softly.- Do you want to talk to him now?
- Are you ready?
- As ready as I’ll ever be.
- Then yes. Can you go get him? I suppose he’s in his bedroom.
Eloise fetched Benedict and guided him to the study. He was a mess. His hair was spread in all directions, his eyes swollen from crying all morning and his posture wrecked. He looked like he had lost all will to live, which he might’ve.
- What do you want, brother?- He asked with a raspy voice.
- Sit, please. We need to talk to you, Benedict. We know this is probably not a good time and we want to help you so don’t be scared.
- Well then…
- We know Benedict.
- Know what?
Anthony tried to continue the conversation but he couldn’t say the words.
- About you and Henry. We know that you were lovers.- Eloise completed. Anthony gave her a thankful look while Benedict started to run away. Eloise stopped him from getting to the door. - We just want to help. Please don’t run. There's no need to.
- What about you?- Benedict turned himself to face his older brother.- Are you going to chastise me about how it is immoral and how I’m putting my sisters’ futures at risk?
- No, I’m not going to do that.- Benedict didn’t seem convinced.- I’ll admit it took a bit to adjust to the idea but you are my brother and I love you. Who you love should never be a problem. Besides, you need us more than ever and I don’t abandon my family.
Even in the middle of the chaos, Benedict was able to find the energy to show him a small broken smile. He didn’t have to say how thankful he was.
- It's true. Henry and I are lovers. More than that we are in love with each other. But we are terribly careful. I can’t understand how this happened.
- Have you told anyone?- Eloise asked.
- A very restricted group of people knows. His main servant, a few like-minded friends, and Lucy of course.
- Lucy?
- His wife.
- Oh! She knows?
- Since the beginning and she would never do this to us I can guarantee you that.
The conversation started to fade. They didn’t know what to say to their brother and he didn’t seem too excited about sharing more details regarding his relationship. Eloise tried to break the silence.
- Benedict. I’m truly sorry this is happening.
- I know…
- When are they going to read the accusations?- Anthony spoke.
- Tomorrow.
- We’ll be here for you, brother.
Anthony voiced then got up and poured brandy into two cups handing one to Benedict.
- Hey! What about me?- Eloise protested.- I believe I deserve some brandy as well.
- Ladies don’t drink brandy.- Anthony sighed knowing it would be a lost cause.
- And who dictated that? A bunch of fat rich boring men that were too threatened by a woman handling boose better than then. You know that those rules just don’t make any sense Anthony.
The oldest brother was already up pouring the smallest amount possible of the beverage into a cup for her. Benedict looked slightly amused but the sadness and desperation in his eyes clouded everything else.
They all went to bed after a shared drink but Benedict couldn’t sleep. Tomorrow his lover is going to be dead.
***
The three siblings woke up at sunrise. They mechanically got dressed and ate breakfast.
- We don’t have to go, Benedict. We can just stay here.- Eloise finally blurted out.
- I want to go. I… I need to see his face one last time. I need to talk to Lucy.
- Do you truly think seeing this will help you? Do you-
Anthony interrupted her speech, completely understanding his brother. He too would desire to see Siena one last time if she was to be killed.
- Okay, brother we will go but you might not be able to talk to Lucy. She’s going to be in the spotlight and we don’t want to drag unwanted attention to you.
- I know. I want to at least try to give her a message. I wasn’t able to do that yesterday and I don’t want her to feel like she’s alone.
- Very well.
The event was at ten o’clock. Most of the ladies of the higher classes would still be at home and the older brothers at business meetings. To pass the time they decided to play some basic card games. Enough to keep their minds occupied but simple enough that didn’t demand their concentration. When the clock announced half past nine they got up. The streets were joyful and colorful but to Benedict they were empty and grey. They walked slowly as if it was them that were to be killed.
The square was filled with members of the high society and several commoners. Lucy was in the front. Benedict felt his chest aching. He wished he could somehow stop all this. He wished he could wake up next to Henry and discover this was all just an awful dream. He wished he could go hug Lucy and tell her this was all a nightmare. But the reality was standing right in front of him. The wood podium and the executioner preparing the rope.
- I can solve this! It was an anonymous accusation, right? I can tell them it was me and that it was a lie! They’ll have to drop the charges! - Benedict exclaimed, grabbing Anthony’s arm.
- Are you mad? That won’t make them release him. It will only make them arrest and kill as well!
- I need to do something!- His voice strained with emotion.- I can just let him go. Not like this!
- I’m sorry brother. All you can do is to let him go. Make his last few minutes of life as good as they can be. - Anthony grabbed the hand that was clinging to his jacket and whispered - make him see how much you love him.
A single tear fell down his cheek and he quickly wiped it nodding furiously. He was going to give Henry what he could. He was going to give him a promise of eternal love.
The prosecutor started talking, catching everybody’s attention. Eloise got closer to him and placed herself at an angle where she could hold his hand without anyone noticing. They started reading the accusations and the penalty for such crimes. A few pleased murmurs could be heard. He ordered them to bring the prisoner out and that’s when Henry finally appeared. He was covered in blood and bruises. His nose was most likely broken and a few of his ribs as well. His eyes were empty and emotionless. Benedict knew that look all too well. It was Henry’s way of fighting the world. He would shut down and allow himself to be broken and then would collect the pieces and put himself together. This time he wouldn’t be able to do that. This time he would die.
He lifted his head and his eyes immediately fell on Benedict. The man was still holding on to Anthony’s arm like his life depended on it but faced him. Sadness and anger and desperation but most of all love. That was all he could give and he would bloody give it. They gazed at each other and time froze. It was the eye of the hurricane. The calm before the storm. All their promises, all their kisses, all their passion, all they were poured into one look.
And then he was gone.
Benedict held Eloise’s hand as tightly as he could. He was aware he was hurting her but she didn’t move a muscle. Anthony was on his other side supporting his weight with his own body. They stood still for what felt like several minutes. Benedict straightened himself.
- I’m going to talk to Lucy.
- Brother…- Anthony warned.
- I know, Anthony, I know! I’m just going to give my condolences and my message.- He showed the hidden paper on his sleeve.
Anthony and Eloise knew this was something their brother needed to do alone so they drifted off and started talking with a few family friends. Benedict discretely approached Lucy.
- Lady Granville?
- Benedict!- She sighed before realizing what she had just done. - Mr. Bridgerton.
- My condolences.- Their speech was polite but their eyes were having a completely different conversation. Filled with grief and sorrow.- Your husband was a remarkable man. I’m sure these accusations were just despicable rumors.
He got a bit closer to her and she saw the hidden paper. So she accepted his hand.
- Thank you.
She hid the paper on her sleeve. Benedict wanted to say something more but his brother's panicked voice flooded his ears.
- Benedict! We have to go. Now!- He looked at lady Granville and did a pitiful smile.- I’m terribly sorry for interrupting your conversation but I’m afraid I need my brother, my lady.
Lucy just made a sad smile while Benedict was dragged back home.
***
- They what?
- They are looking for his lover. Apparently, the anonymous note claimed that he was in a relationship with another man. They interrogated him but he refused to talk.- Anthony answered Benedict.
- That explains his dreadful appearance.- Eloise says.
- Yes. According to lord Alderidge, the police is going to talk to every known associate of Graville. Looking for clues of this man’s identity. - Anthony continues.
- Let them come.- Benedict's tone was as determined as he was destroyed.
- Benedict, you are in no condition and you that damn well. I’m going to send you to our country house and tell them you are on a business trip. When you’re calmer you can come back and talk to them.
- I don’t want to be alone right now... Please I can’t.
- I’m sorry, brother but I won’t risk your life. Sending someone with you would blow our cover.
- Don’t do this to me, Anthony. Don’t leave me now.
- I’m sorry - his face smoothened.- I’ll try to have someone meet you there tonight or tomorrow morning but you’ll have to be alone for a while. Go pack.
Benedict leaves. He seems hopeless and Eloise can see the tears in his eyes.
- Are you actually doing this to him?
- I don’t have a choice. Believe me, I hate it as much as you do but if he talks to them right now he’s a dead man. And you know that.
- I’ll ask mama if I can go to the countryside for a few days. - She replied with understanding.
- What’s your excuse?
- That I require some fresh air and some books. And maybe I do truly need a break from society.
- Very well. Thank you… for helping me.
She looked at him with a small smile.
- We’re family. We take care of each other.
***
After a week Benedict decided he was ready to come home. Eloise was with him the whole time and Anthony came by to see him once or twice. His mother and sisters all sent letters almost daily as if they knew he needed them.
The carriage stopped in front of the Bridgertons’ house. He and Eloise got up and climbed the stairs with ease. His eyes had dark bags under them and his posture was still curved and defeated but he wasn’t crying anymore and his brain was clearer.
Anthony greeted them and allowed them to unpack and shower before guiding the two siblings to his study to talk. His intentions were of course shattered by his mother who decided to drag them to a gigantic hug and ask a thousand questions while petting their heads.
The doorbell rang and after a few minutes one of the servants came to the sitting room:
- Lord Bridgerton, the police is here. They would like to talk to Mr. Benedict Bridgerton.
- Oh, of course. I almost forgot. Let them into my study, please.
- Certainly, my lord.
- Anthony? Is everything all right?
Violet looked at him with a worried expression but before he could open his mouth Benedict spoke.
- Yes, of course it is, mother. They are just doing some routine questions regarding an altercation at the club a week ago. Nothing to worry about.
He was smiling at her and got up pretending he was perfectly relaxed.
- Do you want me to accompany you?- Anthony questioned.
- There’s no need to.
***
Eloise had left with Penelope who practically dragged her out of the house. Anthony pretended to be interested in whatever gossip his mother and Daphne were talking about. However, he was focused on the conversation happening down the hall. He flinched at every noise afraid of what his brother might be telling the authorities.
He heard the front door closing and no screams which probably meant his brother was able to avoid prison. He waited for minutes and there was no sign of him so he got up and headed towards the studio. His brother’s sobs could be heard even before he opened the door.
- Ah, brother!
Benedict exclaimed. He was crying even harder now and somehow found himself wrapped in Anthony’s arms who was cradling him and singing that old lullaby their mother used to sing to them in a time where life was easy and love was a thing from fairytales.
- What happened?
- I had to stand here and pretend I was disgusted by what he did. I had to tell them I hated everything I am and that I hope his lover is killed right where they find him.
- Oh Benedict!
- And the worst part is I believe it. Everything I said. He chose to love me and I ended his life. All I can hope is to die as well. Maybe that is my punishment for leading the man I love to his death. Maybe I do deserve to die for what I did.
- You can’t truly believe that brother. It’s just the grief talking.
- Is it? Because all I can think about is that if I had kept my feelings to myself he’d still be alive. My love was a death sentence disguised as glee.
- Benedict…- Anthony sighed.- You saw the state he was in when he was killed. He could’ve revealed your name and have a quick and peaceful end but he fought back with everything he had. He did all that for you. He fought for you. Do you think he would do that if he blamed you for what happened?
- There are many things Henry would do even if he blamed me.- He snorted.- He was too selfless for his own good sometimes.
- He died for you, Ben. So that you could come home and have a life. He gave everything up so that you could live. You owe him this. Don’t throw away the opportunity he gave you.
- But is it really living?- He whispers.- Without him next to me is it really living?
- It takes time but you learn to live again. Grief is one of the ugliest and painful feelings that exists but it gets easier with time. You still have so many years... don't throw them away.
- You don’t learn to live again. You learn to exist. You learn how to coexist with a shadow that chases you everywhere and not go mad. It doesn't just hurt, Anthony, it eats away my soul. With every breath, it takes another piece of me. It annihilates my heart. I don’t want to get up in the morning. I don’t want to talk to anyone, God! I can’t even paint without feeling his presence. Is it really living, Anthony? If you know that the love of your life will never come back, is it really living?