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‘I don't want to go.’
It’s just a phrase. Just five simple words.
So why do they seem to haunt Tony?
i.
Tony Stark: genius - check, billionaire - check, playboy - not so much anymore, philanthropist - check. Father? Even he couldn’t answer that particular question, but there was a kid. A bright eyed, fluffy haired, Einstein of a kid sitting opposite him.
Peter reminded Tony of himself at that age, minus the colossal ego, douche-bag tendencies, and daddy issues. He worked hard, he didn’t give up, he could do anything he set his mind to. Unfortunately, he also had Tony’s penchant to get so focused on the task at hand that he forgot about necessities like eating and showering - not to mention the self-sacrificial tendencies.
“Mister Stark,” Peter didn’t even look up from the Spider-Man suit laid out on the table between them. “You’re staring at me again.”
“Right.” Tony blinked a few times, shook his head, and glanced at the clock. If Pepper knew how many hours he’d been holed up in the lab, if she knew how many hours he’d let Peter stay holed up in the lab, there’d be hell to pay. As if on cue, his stomach growled. The kid didn’t so much as raise an eyebrow. “And that means it’s time we head upstairs.”
That caught his attention. Peter’s head snapped up, eyes wide. “No! Come on, we’re nearly done here. Just a few more hours-”
“Na-ah!” Tony made a motion with his thumb and forefinger like closing a zip. “The suit can wait, your enhanced metabolism cannot. FRI, order us something from that Thai place, would ya?”
“Can you make sure you get the larb?” Peter added. “May’s got me hooked on the stuff. Oh, and if there’s leftovers can I take them back with me? We don’t always have time to cook.”
Tony quirked an eyebrow. “You wanna make any other demands?”
“Oh my- No! No, of course not.” Peter’s eyes somehow grew wider as he waved his hands frantically. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“Relax. I’m messing,” Tony chuckled. “It’s good that you feel at home here. I mean, that is the whole point of a ‘team building’ weekend.” Peter’s shoulder’s dropped as he relaxed back into his seat. “FRI, double the larb. Leftovers are all your’s, Pete.”
“Thanks, Sir.”
“You can drop the whole ‘Sir’ thing, too.”
Peter smiled, then picked up his tools to return to the suit. Tony reached across the table and plucked a screwdriver from his hand. “Don’t think you can distract me with larb. We’re heading upstairs.” He got to his feet and set about clearing off the work table.
Reluctantly, Peter did the same, and soon the pair sat in the Avengers Compound living room surrounded by takeout boxes.
“I still don’t get this film, kid.”
“I don’t get what’s not to get.”
Tony gestured to the TV. “It’s unrealistic! How has no one noticed there’s a rat in that guy’s hat?”
Peter rolled his eyes and sighed, “Oh my god, Mister Stark. Can you not suspend your disbelief for a Disney Film. Next you’re going to tell me you don’t believe elephants can fly.”
“Yeah but that’s different. Dumbo has big ears that help him fly, this is just a rat-”
“Remy is not just a rat, how dare you! He’s a chef!”
Their argument was cut off when FRIDAY’s voice filled the room. “Mister Hogan is here to collect Mister Parker. He’s waiting at the main entrance.”
Peter didn’t move, staying put where he’d sunk into the sofa. Tony watched him for a moment before speaking up. “Uh, kid I think that’s your cue.”
“But I don’t want to go,” he whined. “Don’t get me wrong, I miss May like crazy. But we didn’t get to finish the new suit yet and the only tools I have back at the apartment are the tiny ones you get in Christmas crackers. Can’t I go tomorrow morning instead?”
Tony crossed his arms. “You’ve got school tomorrow morning. And I do not want to get on your Aunt’s bad side.”
“Are you scared of May?” Peter grinned.
“No! Okay, maybe a little but that’s beside the point. The suit will be here next time you come up.”
“Swear you won’t touch it without me here?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
Peter stood, loading the takeout boxes that still contained food into his arms. “Fine, but if even one thread is out of place I’m never speaking to you again.”
“Harsh, but fair. See you later, kid.” He waved Peter out of the room, then settled back down on the sofa and watched as the rat - Remy - cooked up his famous ratatouille. “Unbelievable,” he muttered under his breath. Then, a moment later, “FRI, find me a recipe for ratatouille. The kid can’t live off larb his whole life.”
“On it, Boss.”
I don’t want to go , those words struck something inside Tony. Something deep inside that he never knew existed until that moment.
Father? Maybe so.
ii.
Tony rapped his knuckles on the bedroom door for what felt like the hundredth time that morning. “Pete, come on. Time to get up.”
“No!” Peter’s muffled reply came through the door.
“Kids…” Tony muttered. He rubbed his hands over his face, still only half awake himself, and put on the sternest voice he could muster. “I’m coming in.” He gave it a second before marching inside and throwing the curtain wide open.
Peter pulled his duvet up over his face as light streamed into the room. “Hey!”
“Pete, come on. You’re gonna be late.”
With an almighty sigh, Peter threw off his duvet and sat up. Tony tried his hardest not to laugh at the kid’s Iron Man pyjamas. He blinked hard, rubbing his eyes a few times, before speaking. “Fine. I’m up. Happy now?”
Tony put his hands on his hips. “I’ll be happy when you’ve got your ass on the school bus which-” he paused, flicking his eyes to the ceiling. “FRI, how long until the bus gets here?”
“Fifteen minutes, Boss.”
“Which gets here in fifteen minutes!”
Peter threw his head back, groaning. “I don’t want to go.”
“You-” Tony stepped back, eyes narrowed. “Why don’t you want to go to school? You love school! Ned’s at school. That MJ you’re always talking about is at school.”
Peter ran his hand through his hair, dragging himself to his feet and picking up a t-shirt from the floor. He gave it a quick sniff, thought for a moment, then tucked it under his arm and went in search of some trousers. “Yeah, but there’s also a huge exam at school.”
“You’ll ace it. Easy peasy.”
“See,” he pointed a finger at Tony’s chest. “That’s not helping. That’s just adding pressure. And I’ve already got enough pressure. School’s harder now than the olden days.”
Tony pressed his lips together. “Are you suggesting I went to school in the olden days?”
“Yes.” Now with a pair of trousers added to yesterday’s t-shirt, Peter rummaged through his sock draw. “Don’t even try and deny it. You’re, like, fifty.”
“I’m forty eight.”
“Also known as old. Anyway, I’m serious. I’m not going to school.”
Tony tilted his head. “Right… That’s why you’re trying to find those socks MJ complimented.” Peter’s face flushed red. Tony produced the pair from behind his back. “Got them from the washing this morning. Actually, Pepper did, but still.”
Peter stretched out an arm to take them, but Tony lifted them out of his reach. “Mister Stark, come one.”
“Nope. You want to impress MJ, you have to say I’m not old.”
“I am not doing that.” He took a different pair of socks from the drawer and slammed it shut. “Purely out of spite.”
“Oh. You’re not joking, you really are mad.”
Peter sat heavily on his bed. “Yes!”
Tony sat next to him, eyes softening. “Because of this exam?” Peter nodded, wiping his nose on the back of his hand and refusing to make eye contact. “Tell me about it.”
“It just… There’s so much pressure to do well at school. All my teachers are constantly reminding us to study - as if we’re not already doing that. And then they set us mountains of homework. You know how many hours of work I got given yesterday alone?”
Tony shook his head, rubbing comforting circles on Peter’s back.
“Five. When I am supposed to do five hours of homework every day between everything else?”
“I can help you with that, y’know.”
Peter waved away the thought. “That’s not even the problem really. I get so stressed over every exam that I feel sick for a week leading up to it and end up not doing my best. And if I don’t do my best I can’t get into MIT - or even any college - and if I don’t get into college then I don’t get a degree. If I don’t get a degree I don’t get a job. It’s just…”
“Too much?”
Peter leaned into Tony’s side. “Exactly. I don’t even know what I want to take at college. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and apparently I’m supposed to.”
Tony kissed his unruly mop of bed-hair. “School isn’t everything, I promise that. I know it feels like it is now, believe me. But once you’re out in the real world… It’s just so different.”
“Please,” Peter scoffed, a smile pulling at his mouth. “You’ve never been in the real world.”
“Fair point. Still, school isn’t everything. And it doesn’t matter to me if you don’t go to college, I’ll love you whatever you decide.”
“Thanks.”
Tony stood up. “So, what do you say? School?”
“I guess I can go.”
“Great,” Tony clapped his hands. “You only have… FRI?”
“Eight minutes and counting.”
“You heard the girl. I’ll make you breakfast to go.” He turned and started out of the room.
“Wait! Mister Stark,” Peter called. Tony paused in the doorway and looked back. “Love you, too.”
iii.
Pain exploded in Tony’s side, searing his nerves as he sprayed the remaining nanites from his suit over the hole in his abdomen. Pepper would be furious when she found out. If, said a voice at the back of his head. He pushed it down, he was getting back to earth if only to make sure the kid was safe.
But Thanos had the Time Stone. The whole point was to keep it from him, then Strange goes and just hands it over in exchange for Tony’s life. He wasn’t sure he could carry that weight on his shoulders.
Peter ran over. “Mister Stark! Oh my god, are you okay?”
“‘M fine, kid,” he grunted, taking the arm Peter offered and staggering to his feet. The movement sent a fiery pain shooting across his torso. Heavy breaths, panting, control it, don’t let the kid know how bad it is. He forced a laugh, “‘Tis but a scratch.”
The smile on Peter’s face was worth it. Small, but there. Genuine, no matter how quickly it faded. “You’re not going to start kicking me, are you?”
Tony ruffled his hair. “We’ll call it a draw.”
The atmosphere changed, he couldn’t even begin to pinpoint why. A horrible feeling settled in the pit of his stomach as the Guardians stumbled closer. Mantis leaned heavily on Quill, exhausted from holding Thanos down all that time.
They’d been so close.
“Something’s happening.”
You didn’t need superpowers to feel it. The very air was different.
Tony blinked, and Mantis was gone. A cloud of dust where she used to be. Drax was next, he went before Tony could wrap his head around it.
“Steady, Quill.”
“Oh, man.”
Quill didn’t know it was happening, which must mean it didn’t hurt. A small mercy. A swift and painless death.
The thought hit him like a truck. Bruce’s words - it felt like years since he’d heard them - came rushing back. “He’s a plague, Tony. He invades planets, he takes what he wants, he wipes out half the population.”
Half. Whatever this was, this dust . It was fifty-fifty. Sure he’d faced worse odds, but never with the kid by his side. Fifty-fifty meant the chances were only one would get off of this hellscape. He closed his eyes, prayed for it to be Peter.
“Tony,” Strange called across the battlefield. No, it couldn’t be a battlefield because there hadn’t been a battle. There had been a massacre. Tony turned to Strange, watching helplessly as the man faded too. “There was no other way...”
There had been seven on Titan, now only three remained standing. Less than half, maybe that meant…
“Mister Stark…?”
No. Please no.
“I don’t feel so good.”
Tony stepped forward, reaching out for Peter. He looked so young, he should have his whole life in front of him. Instead, Tony had brought him halfway across the universe to die.
“You’re alright.”
“I don’t know what’s happening.”
Peter fell into Tony’s arms, clinging to him for dear life. Dust found its way into Tony’s mouth and nose and eyes. Everywhere, chokingly thick.
“I don’t want to go. Please, sir, I don’t wanna go.” They collapsed to the ground as Peter’s legs gave out. In a moment of composure, Peter found his eye. “I’m sorry.”
Tony’s hand fell through where Peter’s body had been. He pulled himself up, closed his eyes, sucked in a breath. The Time Stone for his life… Half the universe for his life.
Peter for his life.
iv.
His limbs ached, his head ached, the still healing stab would ached. Tony lay on his back, head and shoulders slightly elevated. A dim light attempted to breach his eyelids.
“Tony?”
That voice. That voice could bring him back from the dead. Hell, maybe one day it would.
“Pep…” Tony forced his eyes open, blinking a few times as they adjusted to the light. He rolled his head to the side and found Pepper’s beautiful eyes looking back at him. A sight he’d never tire of seeing. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
She leaned forward and gently brushed her lips against his forehead, one hand pushing back his hair. “I’m glad you’re okay, too.”
He giggled, catching hold of her hand and squeezing. The room floated around him. “I think I’m high.”
Pepper smiled. “Bruce put you on some strong stuff.”
Tony’s gaze landed on the widow, the blinds pulled shut. “How bad is it?”
“It’s… It’s very bad, Tony. We still don’t know the full fallout but…”
He nodded slowly. A tear tracked down his cheek. “Pete-”
“I know.”
Tony wiped his face and sat straighter. On the bedside table, his phone sat face down and plugged into the charger. Pepper followed his gaze.
“I figured you’d want to know what’s happening out there. And you’d only break out of this room to get it if I hadn’t brought it.”
“You know me so well.” Tony reached out a shaky, wasted arm and picked up his phone. Hundreds of messages lit the screen, texts, missed calls - mostly from Ross - and voice mails. He scrolled past most of them, but a certain name caught his attention. “There’s a message from Peter,” he swallowed hard, hands trembling. “It’s… It’s from the day we- From that morning…”
Pepper gave his hand a squeeze and stood up. “I’ll give you some space.”
“Stay.” Tony found her eyes. “Please.”
She nodded and sat back down, returning her hand to Tony’s.
With a long breath, Tony pressed play.
“Hey, Mister Stark. I guess you’re busy or something, that’s fine though ‘cause, like, your life is insane. Um, I’ve forgotten why I even called…”
“Oh yeah! I know I’m supposed to come by the Tower today to work on the suit, but I forgot we had a trip to MOMA that’s going to take most of the day. I’ve also got the dentist later. I don’t want to go, I’d much rather hang out with you but I don’t think it’ll be possible. ”
“Have you ever been to MOMA? It’s my first time and I’m super excited. I mean, I don’t actually know what pieces they have there, but art’s pretty cool so- One sec.”
A few muffled voices came over the line.
“MJ says they have Starry Night! That’s awesome. Wait, MJ, are you trying to make me look dumb in front of Mister Stark?”
Another brief pause.
“She says no but I feel the same way I do when I get rick rolled so I don’t know. Oh, hang on. I think it’s running out of time. See you later, Mister Stark. Bye-”
It cut off before he could finish.
v.
Tony closed the door behind him, leaning his head back against it for a moment’s rest. Close to five years later, and people still had questions. What are you going to do? How are you getting everyone back? Why didn’t you stop this sooner?
He’d carried the weight of the world for over a decade, but the trillions of souls on his conscience was much worse. Of course he’d looked for ways to get everyone back, how could they think he hadn’t?
That’s what happens when a hero fails.
He knew what he needed. Tony jogged into the living room and found Pepper in front of the TV. “Hey,” he kissed her, “Where’s Little Miss? I could really do with a Morgan hug right about now.”
Pepper smiled sympathetically, understanding. “Upstairs. In her room, I think.”
“Great.” Tony kissed her again and hurried upstairs. A quick check of Morgan’s room revealed it to be empty, so he moved down the corridor checking each room in succession. It wasn’t until he reached the last door that he noticed it was ajar, a beam of light creeping through the crack.
Tony hadn't been in that room since the day he collected Peter and May’s belongings from their apartment.
Quietly, he pushed the door open. “You in here, Morguna?”
A brief silence, followed by, “No.”
Tony cracked a smile. “Okay, if you see her would you let her know I’m hoping for a special cuddle?”
Morgan jumped up from behind a box labelled ‘ Peter’s Bedroom’ and charged towards Tony. He scooped her up and she wrapped her arms around him as tightly as she could.
“Is that better, Daddy?”
“Yeah,” he hummed in response. “Much better. Thanks baby.” As they hugged, he looked around the room. It seemed Morgan had been going through some of their things, something Tony hadn’t been brave enough to face yet. He blinked away tears. “You been in here long?”
“Sorry,” she shook her head against Tony’s shoulder. “I know we don’t go in here…”
“No, it’s okay baby. Daddy needs to come in here more often.” He set Morgan down. Silently, she took his hand and led him through the boxes until they reached the spot she’d been sitting. On the floor lay some toys. “Do you know who these belonged to?”
“Petey?”
“Exactly.” He bopped her nose and smiled. “What else did you find?”
“Um… Lots of books and clothes. A letter, more toys over there…”
Tony narrowed his eyes. “A letter? Where?”
Morgan pointed to the box labelled ‘Peter’s Bedroom’ , now empty. “In there. At the bottom.” She picked it up off the floor and gave it to Tony.
He read it quickly, eyes flooding with tears.
Dear Mister Stark,
If you’re reading this, then I’m probably dead. I know most people in movies do this on video but I wanted to write it instead.
Also, if I’m not dead and you’re just snooping in my things… GET OUT!
First off, don’t be sad. I know how you get, spending days on end in the lab until Miss Potts drags you out kicking and screaming…
Tony smiled. The memory of that exact situation coming to mind.
… and I don’t want you to do that. Look, I know you’re going to be sad but try not to dwell on it. Please.
Second, take care of Aunt May for me. Make sure she gets a proper meal at least three times a week and not just leftover Thai. And give her the biggest hug from me, she won’t bite, I know you’re scared of her.
Finally, whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up about it. If you’re reading this and I’m really dead, then it wasn’t your fault. Not even the littlest bit. I promise. I just want you to live your life and not get stuck on me.
Thank you for everything. For the suit, for the lab days and team building weekends, for letting me steal all your leftovers. It’s weird, as I’m writing this I kind of don’t want to stop. I guess I don’t want to go is the truth, but I have. And it’s okay, you’ll be okay.
Love you, Peter.
Tenderly, Tony pressed the letter to his lips. Morgan squeezed his arm. “Are you okay, Daddy? Why are you crying?”
He pulled her into his side, smiling sadly. “These are happy tears, baby. Petey left this for me before he went. And… I think I’m going to be okay.”
vi.
Pain. Nothing but pain. He collapsed, leaning back against a chunk of rubble from the remains of the compound. They were gone, Thanos’ army was gone.
Rhodey’s face filled his vision, blurred and unfocused. He smiled sadly, tears running down his face. They’d known each other too long to say goodbye, they’d known each other long enough not to have to.
Peter. The kid looked a mess, covered in soot with two thick tear tracks on his cheek. Barely holding it together. He took Tony’s hand in his. “Mister Stark? Hey, Mister Stark, can you hear me? It’s Peter.” Tony couldn’t bring himself to nod, but fixed his eyes on Peter. “We won…. We won Mister Stark. You did it, sir. You won.” He stood, unable to hold back the onslaught of tears any longer. “I’m sorry, Tony.”
Pepper came next. A sad smile on her face and eyes rimmed with red. “Tony…”
That voice. Pepper’s, Peter’s, Rhodey’s, Morgan’s… Any of them could bring him back from the dead, and he wasn’t finished living yet.
He choked out a garbled, “Hey, Pep…”
He didn’t want to go. He wasn’t ready, not yet. There was one fight left, the fight for his family. And he was determined to win.
Tony Stark: genius - check, billionaire - check, playboy - not for years, - philanthropist - check. Father? Don’t you dare say otherwise.