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Adam closed the door on Kim and trudged back to his recliner. He sat down heavily and snatched the bottle of whiskey from the coffee table, ready to drink away this awful day. Still, he couldn't bring himself to pour another glass. Setting the bottle back down with a little more force than necessary, the heavy thud it made, made him feel a little better. He'd been through a lot in his life, three broken engagements, the death of his mentor, going to jail, losing his baby; one of those things alone would have broken plenty of people. But he'd been lucky because, through all of that bad, Adam still had hope. It surprised him how resilient he had been. And he hated that today was the day hope had been left behind in the box while all the other demons surrounded him.
Adam dropped his head into his hands and let out a growl of frustration. How had this happened? How was this his life right now?
First, he and Kevin got into about where and when to take a stand. And honestly, Adam had thought it was going be the end of their partnership, their friendship. Especially after they went out with Sarge. Did Kevin really believe that he was going to snap one day like Wheelan had? His best friend actually thought that kind of hate was in him? He thought the man knew him better than that. Adam would be lying if he said he wasn't surprised coming into work the next and found they were still rolling together. Thank God. He was grateful. And sure, things had cooled a little between the two men, but they were working on it. Adam was happy to put in that work. He'd be in Kevin's corner no matter what, just like Kevin had been there for him during this whole mess.
Honestly, he'd thought that would be the worst of it, but now this? Now Kim was questioning him too?
It was bad enough when one of your friends lost sight of who you were, but the woman you loved? That was a whole other kick in the balls. Had she really thought he was capable of murdering someone in cold blood? And what for, to keep clean a family name he wasn't exactly proud of any more? Keep some shining legacy reputation in the eyes of the force? Really? How had they drifted so far apart so quickly? When did they lose sight of each other? Or had this been something that was happening for a while now, and he just hadn't realized?
Adam scoffed, screw being sober; he grabbed the bottle again and poured himself two too many fingers. It burned on the way down, but at least it helped distract from the sting in his heart.
He'd always thought that he and Kim would find their way back to one another. Somehow, someday, they'd be ready again. Really ready. He thought he'd made his feelings on that pretty clear. No matter what they'd been through, the hookups, the breakups, the half-hearted attempts at moving on, trying to find happiness with someone else. It was all just noise. He knew that—blips on the road back to each other. But now, Adam wasn't so sure. He wasn't sure how he was going to into work on Monday and look at her. Not if she really thought those things.
'You have to see how what I said made sense in the moment,' Kim had tried to defend. But she should know him better than that. Kevin could get a pass. Adam wasn't happy about it, but his friend had other things going on. Stuff that, as much as Adam didn't understand them, he got that it made his partner question everything he knew. But Kim, she was supposed to know Adam Ruzek on a whole other level.
Sure he had said some questionable things in the car, and if had been anyone but Kim had rocked upon him standing over Barilla like that, he would have got it. The optics weren't great. But from Kim, not even in his worst nightmares would Adam have ever thought those words would come from her. He had been running his mouth off, just like he always did. Voicing his frustration, verbalizing his feelings as they hit him. It's just what he did; everyone knew that. Get the words out, get the feelings out; that way, you don't act on them. It was like writing a letter and setting it on fire.
Adam had been angry. Angrier maybe than he had ever been before. But could anyone really blame him for that? His dad had sold him out, crossed a line. Bob Ruzek had never been too much of a father, but at least Adam could always say that he was a decent cop. Sure, the man clocked in and clocked out and used his son as an excuse to do so. He put himself up as some big family man. When honestly, Adam couldn't even remember if his dad had ever made it to one of his baseball or hockey games. But still, he had bever been bitter about his lot in life on the job. The city needed traffic cops, and Ruzek Senior was happy to be one. What a load of crap that was.
So Adam had vented. About that. About Voight's insistence on bringing Barilla in, doing things the right way. The unit had done some shady stuff in the past; not one of them was innocent of that, so Adam didn't understand why this time was any different. Because times are changing, a voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Kevin said. It was true, and Adam knew that. But he was a good cop, a good man; when did those things stop being enough?
Sure he had his faults; Adam could admit that. There was his temper. Kim had called him out on it when there were together and more after. Hailey had made very clear she wasn't going to put up with it during their whole thing. So he worked on it. And yeah, Adam was still a hothead, but it'd gotten better. He was brash and didn't always think things through before acting, but again he was working on it. He could even admit that in his youth, he'd considered himself a bit of a player. He flirted too much, too often, and with the wrong people. Made comments that probably should never have been given a voice, but Adam had grown since then. Matured. And being with Kim, being the man she deserved, the man she saw, had been a large part of why.
What about the good things about him? He was funny; nothing warmed his heart quite like making someone laugh or smile. And while Adam wasn't some super intellectual genius type, he wasn't stupid or uncultured. He may have been beer, chicken wings and hockey fights, but Adam could also appreciate things like art and literature. Hell, Adam even went to see the Joffrey Company perform once a year. Sure it was always The Nutcracker, but he liked it. It had even been a date once with Kim early in their relationship. She'd been shocked, but pleasantly so.
Most of all, and the thing he liked most about himself, was that he loved and he loved deeply. His family, his friends, it didn't matter, he would do anything for them, and he made damn sure they knew that. Maybe all the good stuff didn't outweigh the bad, but shouldn't it at least balance the scales a little?
When had he fallen so out of sync with Kim? With Kevin? How had two of the people he loved most in the world come to question him like they had in the last few weeks? Adam didn't understand it, and he didn't think he ever would.
His phone chirped, breaking him out of his thought. He looked down at it and saw a text from Kim. Adam was prepared to ignore it, but he couldn't bring himself to do that. Maybe he should add glutton for punishment to that list of faults.
'Hey,' the message read. 'I know we are where we are, but Makayla wanted to say goodnight.' The words were followed by a picture of the little girl he had fast given half his heart to. She was snuggled deeply in her covers ('snug as a bug,' Adam had teased when he tucked her in one night.), her little sparkly platypus just peeking out of her arms. Makayla was smiling broadly at the camera, showing off the gaps where she'd lost a few more teeth. Adam's heart clenched tight in his chest. God, he loved that little girl. What would happen with all that now?
He wanted this with Kim. A family. He always had. Adam had pretty much been picturing it since the moment he met her. An adorable kid, maybe two. It didn't matter to him if that kid wasn't theirs biologically because they'd be theirs in the only ways it mattered. The two of them had plenty of love to share, and they would make sure their kids, adopted, fostered, or whatever, would never want for lack of it.
Adam wanted to be there for his children, for Kim in all the ways his own dad had never been growing up.
He dreamed of walking into work in the mornings and regaling Jay, Hailey and Kevin with his child's baseball stats or whatever other sport they played. But they'd know all that already because they'd always be invited to attend. They'd be his kid's Aunt and Uncles if Adam had any say in the matter.
And if his kid weren't into sports, then he'd still be there, just as proud. He'd decorate every desk and wall in the bullpen with their art. Or help out with every science experiment the best he could. He'd film every music recital no matter how screechy their violin was. He'd be there, and when he couldn't, his kid would know that he wanted to.
He wanted to dance in the kitchen with Kim, just because they could. And hold her in his arms as they fell asleep at night. He wanted to see how their favourite holiday traditions could blend and what new ones they could start. Ones that their kids would insist on doing when they got married. He wanted those things. He'd wanted them for so long. But how could it even work now? Is this something that he and Kim could get past? Or were they past the point of no return?
Adam poured himself another drink and sat back in the recliner. He had a lot of thinking to do. But first, he had a lot of drinking to do.