Chapter Text
Amaya,
I don’t really know how to start this. I wished so much that I would be wrong. That all of my people would accept you like I do. Because most do. But, like in Katolis, there are those who refuse to adapt. Who refuse to acknowledge that the cycle of violence that history perpetuates needs to come to an end.
I want to be very clear on one thing before I go any further. You are worth more than a single night. I would spend every minute of the rest of my life with you if I could. You are...everything to me. Incandescently beautiful, inside and out, you have become my guiding sun. You are who I measure myself next to, who pushes me to better myself as a person, a soldier, and monarch.
It’s part of why I fell for you, I think. Why I will love you until I draw my last breath.
So, I did not issue the True Challenge because I thought you weren’t worth even a day. I Challenged because you are worth everything, even my life. Everything I am is yours now, remember? Everything I was, everything I could be. My hate, my fear, my joy, my love. My strength and my weakness. I gifted it all to you when I gave you my sword.
So please remember this. I loved you with all I am. I am sorry I could not tell you myself. I am sorry that the Sun judged me unworthy of its blessing, today of all days. The only day that matters.
With my death, things will change in Lux Aurea and with the Alliance. During the Challenge both Odalis and I will state what we are fighting for. While I say that I am fighting to uphold my right to wed you, he will likely say he’s fighting to preserve Sunfire traditions. If that's the case, you need to take Gren and any other humans in Lux Aurea and leave .
Do not stay for my funeral, do not wait for permission. Leave.
If you are reading this, it means I lost. That the Sun judged me and my truths unworthy. It won’t be long until Odalis and others will spin that loss, that disfavor onto the entire Alliance with Katolis and Duren. After all, if the Sun looked down upon the union of one elf and one human, what does that mean for the unity between our countries?
Aodh may be able to salvage this. I hope he can. But your safety is more important than my hopes. Especially now.
Please, Amaya. Leave Lux Aurea. If you are reading this your life is in danger. It is not my place to ask, if it ever has been, but please keep yourself safe. And remember that I chose to Challenge for me. It was something I had to do to prove that I am worthy of you.
You may disagree but you are so much better than I. So much braver. I have been a coward for months regarding my feelings for you. I promised myself, I would not allow myself to hide again. Not from you. And not from my people.
Know this, I died loving you. I died dreaming of a better future with you at my side. I died believing I could win.
That may seem counterintuitive, considering this letter. But I cannot ignore the fact that one outcome of tomorrow is that my life and reign may end.
I do not know if you will see me before I enter the Ring. You asked me for time and what little I have left is yours. It is always, forever, yours.
I know that I would be distracted by all the things I wish I could say to you. All the things that I hadn’t told you, if I did not write them down. Perhaps it is selfish of me, to say goodbye when you may not have the chance. But I needed to know that even if I leave you today, you would know how I felt.
You are the love of my life. You deserve to know it.
There are other things I have wanted to tell you since I realized you loved me back. Silly memories that you would enjoy, mostly. I thought I would have time to do so. I suppose that I am a fool for hoping for that.
I do not have time or space for all of them but I will share a few.
I wanted to tell you of my first sign lesson with Kazi. It was a disaster. You know that I focused more heavily on combat and tactics because I enjoyed them. They made sense to me and also came easily. I practiced even as a prodigy but I picked up things related to my specialty fast. Even normal schooling came rather effortlessly.
Not so with KSL. Kazi has the patience of an elder, a parent, and a school teacher in one. You remember how flustered they would get at first? I think you said half the things you did because you enjoyed watching them squirm. Poor Kazi, they did not deserve when you made them tell me to shove my sword up my ass that first day. And to think, they would regret thinking that was terrible later. When you made them flirt with me. I swear, I had never seen any elf turn so red before.
But I’m getting distracted. That first lesson with Kazi was terrible because my hands felt like they were on another body. I had never had such trouble getting them to do what I wanted. I would get flustered every time I made a mistake - and I made so many!
You would have enjoyed being there. I know you make a game out of making me blush. And I blushed a lot as I messed up again and again.
Yes, Amaya. I knew that you did that. Aodh was very confused when he first met you. That night, after you left, he asked, “Who are you and what happened to my sister?”
He couldn’t believe that I let you tease me. He couldn’t believe that I dared to tease you back. He called you Fearless General as a jab towards me. He does think you’re brave, but mostly he teased me for the fact that I was afraid of you. Of what you made me feel. Aodh realized so quickly that I was losing my heart to you, even as I refused to admit it.
At dinner, I said I could barely go an hour without him pushing me towards you. Perhaps you thought I was being facetious. I wasn’t. Aodh only ever wanted me to be happy. And you make me happy.
Returning to the lesson - yes my avoidance issues are noted - I almost walked out until Kazi stopped me.
“Your Radiance,” they said. “This is a language. You will not learn it in a day, a week, or even a month. You must be diligent and understand that setbacks will happen. If you leave now, you will have to ask General Amaya or Commander Gren for lessons.”
I was shocked! Kazi, showing me their spine! I stayed, of course. I was impressed that they stood up to me. Of course, they turned into a flustered mess and apologized the next day. I asked them to use my name instead. They refuse to. I suppose I won’t ever stop being their Queen.
But even if they won’t use my name, Kazi has been one of my best advisors. They would disagree but they have already proven me correct. Kazi pointed out why you were so upset, when I told you of the Challenge. I know you well enough that I knew you would be but I didn’t quite put together why. Hopefully I would have but Kazi is good at pointing out things that I missed.
I am sorry that you cannot fight with me. Nothing brings me greater joy than when we stand together. But today, I must stand alone.
One final story of my brother before I move on. Do you remember Aodh laughing incessantly that first month you met? He was laughing at me. Because of Gren.
I tell you this only because you deserve to know. And it no longer matters if you do. I, Janai, Queen of the Sunfire, was jealous of your commander. That’s also why I treated him so poorly, because he was so close to you. I did not like it. I was miserable until I realized it was more a familial bond than a lover's. Still, I didn’t even understand why became so upset until I accepted that I love you.
I want to tell you about when I knew I loved you. Or rather the three stages of it. When I started falling, when I realized what I felt, and when I accepted that I love you.
Looking back, I can place exactly when I started falling. It was that day Viren came to Lux Aurea. The day my sister died. When you stopped me from committing suicide by enemy, I knew that you understood. That you were sorry I had lost Khessa because you had lost someone too. I now know that someone was Sarai.
Your kindness and strength and vulnerability attracted me. I wanted to understand you, like you understood me. I was drawn to you. I’m sure you remember how often I appeared in your vicinity after the Spire. That didn’t help by the way, the hand holding. I was happy when it happened but afterwards I think it drove me to greater heights of denial. I fell for you more and more even as I pushed the feeling back.
As for when I realized it? Well, that’s easy. You remember the spar that you broke my nose in? I’m sure you’ll be happy to know - despite my reassurances at the time - it was indeed all your fault. It was just...You smiled. You were so happy to be fighting, to be with me. You smiled with your entire body and it was one of the most beautiful things I had seen.
It hit me like a blow, that I loved you, right there in a ring. As the sun highlighted your hair and made your eyes flash even more than your joy did. I forgot we were sparring, I forgot everyone around us. There was just you and me. Just the two of us.
And then you broke my nose.
After I calmed you and Aodh down and reminded you that yes, there really was no need to coddle me, I left for my chambers. There I ruminated over my feelings. I ground at them with a whetstone until the fact I loved you was sharp enough to cut me. And then I sheathed that thought away.
I loved you, but you were human. I loved you, but I didn’t even know if you liked women. I loved you, but didn’t know if you loved me.
I loved you, but you were my friend first.
That night I accepted that I loved you. That you would be it for me. That if I couldn’t have you - I wouldn’t have anyone.
And then I put it away.
I put away that I loved you because I couldn’t lose what I had. Better you were in my life as a friend than as nothing at all.
As for when I accepted, completely, that I loved you? That’s easy too. You were there. It's when you found me with my sword in hand and told me yes, you did love me. Yes, you would like to marry me. And yes, you would carry my sword.
There are no words, in any language I know, to let you know how precious that moment is to me. Besides, I am running out of paper and there is still one more thing I need to tell you, Amaya.
I wish I could apologize for doing this to you. But if there was to be any chance for us, any hope for something beyond a quick affair, a True Challenge was the only way. The only way to show both my commitment and my utter certainty in you. That for the rest of my life, it would only ever be you.
I didn’t tell you something about the Sunforge Sword Engagement. It is true that allowing another to carry it is the greatest romantic act my people have. But it has only happened once, in all of Sunfire history. And even that is more of a legend, it has been so long. I have written out a shortened version below.
The story goes that before a great battle - this was before Xadia was split, even - Sargon, an ancestor of mine turned to his Golden Knight and told him, “Should I fall, I know you will take up my sword and continue my life’s work.”
Cadmael responded, “You will not die but I will carry your sword with me until I can return it to you, if I must.”
In the battle, Sargon did fall. He fell protecting Cadmael. The legends say he lost something though it varies from limbs to eyes to horns to ears, from one to most to some, depending on the teller and audience. Cadmael took up his lover’s sword as he lay in the healers’ care after the battle and won the War.
When he returned he said to Sargon, “I live only because I carried your sword with me. I triumphed only because I carried your love with me. I return it to you now, as I swore I would.”
“You have but I will not accept it.” Sargon replied. “My sword is everything I am and will be. But it is no longer mine.”
Cadmael tried to object. That even crippled, Sargon was the greater warrior.
The Royal simply stated. “It is not that I am incapable of wielding it. It is that everything I am is already yours. Please, continue to carry it to show our people how much you mean to me, my love.”
They were wed the next day. The legend says they lived together happily for the rest of their unnaturally long lives. Even for Sunfire.
I cannot apologize for issuing the True Challenge. But I am sorry that I could not give you what Sargon and Cadmael had. You deserve to know love for your entire life. And I am sorry I could not give you that.
I have one selfish request though. My sword is yours. Even though I lost, my people would not dare take it from you.
Please, carry it with you and know you carry my love at your side. It's yours to do with as you will. Even if all you desire is to toss it into the breach. I would understand.
I love you, Amaya. I am sorry I did not get the chance or time to show you how much.
Yours,
Janai