Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The voice of Mary Mahajan pierced the silent hallway after class, emanating from a lab that Doreen thought would be empty right now. The tone of voice suggested that the mad-scientist-in-training was working on a new project, which was a very concerning prospect since Doreen hadn't heard of any new projects recently.

Normally, a science project wouldn't be an issue, but this was Mary: a smart engineer with a love of doomsday devices and weapons of mass destruction. It was widely agreed that all of her projects should be meticulously peer-reviewed before being put in action.

So of course Doreen followed the voice and entered a lab with two occupants: the aforementioned Mary, and Doreen's best squirrel friend Tippy Toe.

The two were focused on an odd conglomeration of metal and wires that appeared to be something between a hair dryer and a sci fi ray gun. Mary picked up the device and aimed it at Tippy Toe.

"What the heck is going on?" Doreen asked as Mary fired the device.

Doreen had to avert her eyes from the miniature sun that temporarily emanated from the weapon to blind her. Poor Tippy was in the center of the blast, and Doreen couldn't even see what was going on! She rubbed the spots from her eyes and Mary finally regarded her presence.

"We're turning Tippy into Super Squirrel. It was her idea."

"Tippy!" Doreen groaned. But the squirrel gave no indication that she'd heard her name. In fact, she seemed unaware of her surroundings at all, instead focusing on a spot between her two front paws. The squirrel sat perfectly still, hardly even breathing.

"Tippy?" Doreen asked hesitantly. "Are you okay?"

Still, Tippy ignored her.

"She should be fine," Mary reasoned. "I've quadruple-checked all the wiring and chemical components of the Atomic Blaster 8311. She's probably just getting used to her new super strength."

"Okay, despite the fact that super strength is awesome, and Super Squirrel is inarguably the greatest concept for a superhero ever," Doreen said, "if you've hurt Tippy at all, you're going to find out why my catch phrase includes kicking butts."

"I told you, she's..." Mary trailed off as Tippy Toe began to growl. "...fine? Tippy? You okay?"

Doreen pushed Mary to the side, thinking only of helping her squirrel friend. "Tippy, it's okay, it's Doreen," she said calmly in Squirrelese (Northeastern variant).

Tippy Toe began chittering, but the unintelligible sounds were meaningless. It was as though she were possessed by something with only a rudimentary understanding of what squirrels were supposed to sound like. Doreen reached out a hand. "Tippy Toe, calm down; you're scaring me. And I don't normally get scared, So you know that's a Big Deal."

The squirrel stopped for a moment, a gleam of recognition in her eye as she stared at Doreen. For a moment, everything was quiet and still, as frozen as if someone had hit the pause button.

Tippy Toe suddenly jumped to Doreen's hand, thrashing wildly and gnashing her teeth. Doreen let out a squeal of surprise when Tippy's teeth sank into her thumb, evoking a pinprick of blood. She didn't notice she'd loosened her grip on the squirrel until Tippy had scampered to hide beneath the desk on the other side of the room.

Her vision went fuzzy and she found herself sitting on the floor with no recollection of getting there. Had Mary's blaster somehow given Tippy rabies, despite the fact that squirrels were immune? Had it given her a squirrel-specific disease of which Doreen was also susceptible to due to her partially squirrel blood?

"Doreen!" The familiar voice pierced through the fog, but it was quiet, as though spoken from a distance. "Doreen, are you okay?"

"I...feel funny."

"Doreen, I'm so sorry."

Mary's words were nonsensical to Doreen's ears, and she struggled to comprehend, repeating the meaningless sounds to herself. "Zo..sah...ree. Soooooooo...soerah."

Doreen's vision went black as a dull pain materialized at the back of her head.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Doreen awoke to lights that were far too brign't, so she squeezed her eyes shut in the hope that the lights would dim before she had to open them again. Something felt... wrong. She still had all her limbs, her fingers and toes, her tail. As far as she could tell nothing seemed out of place. And yet she was certain something about herself had changed.

"Doreen? Are you awake?"

That was Nancy's voice. Her best human friend. Unlike Mary, Nancy could be trusted to do the right thing 100% of the time. So Doreen opened her eyes with a groan, blinking in the brightness that made it impossible to see anything. "I'm awake."

Even her voice seemed different but she couldn't pin down what was wrong.

"Do you feel okay? Does anything hurt?" Nancy asked.

"Nothing hurts," Doreen confirmed, rubbing her eyes. "Just... feel weird."

"That would make sense." Ken's voice carried a hint of wry amusement that Doreen couldn't decipher.

Finally her eyes adjusted and she determined she was at the apartment she shared with Nancy. But everything seemed wrong. Like she'd entered an alternate dimension and was now seeing everything from the wrong angle.

Ken, Tomas, Mary, and Brain Drain were all looking down at her in concern. But it was when Doreen tried to look at Nancy that her brain fully awoke and she figured out what had changed. Nancy was towering over her (well, more than usual. Doreen was fairly short, and therefore used to people towering over her). Doreen blinked and looked down at her feet... paws. She was standing on all fours in Nancy's hands. Fur covered more than just her tail now. Somehow...

Doreen was a squirrel.

An actual, fullblooded squirrel.

With clearer understanding, Doreen looked once more at her friends. "Have I..." Now that she was paying attention she could hear the difference. "Have I been speaking Squirrelese the whole time?

Tomas let out a surprised chuckle. "You get turned into a squirrel and that's your first question?"

Nancy said, "Yeah, it's a good thing you taught us all to understand it."

"Hang on, where's Tippy? Is she okay?" Doreen asked, feeling frantic worry as she remembered the events leading up to her transformation.

"She's fine," answered Mary, far too calmly.

Doreen narrowed her eyes and sent a questioning glance toward Nancy.

Nancy nodded. "Whatever caused her to react like that wore off after a few minutes. She went outside to run off her excess energy."

"Without superpowers," Mary grumbled.

Doreen looked around the room with quick, sharp movements. "I'm going to go find her."

She jumped from Nancy's hands, but Nancy caught her tail before she could land. "Oh, no, you don't. We have to find a way to get you back to normal. Tippy will be back soon."

Doreen huffed, though it came out as a squeak in her new form. "Nancy! I'm a squirrel! I've literally dreamed of this my entire life! I want to enjoy it while I can."

Nancy exchanged glances with the others, though it was Brain Drain who spoke. "Aristotle once said that leisure is the end goal to all human behavior, toward which all action is directed. I believe working toward purposeful leisure is a counter for the unrelenting ennui which plagues us all, and the life of a squirrel is filled with far more leisure than humans - or human brains on jars on robot bodies - can comprehend. Furthermore, change happens whether we want it to or not, and it is those who don't accept this truth who find themselves with the most missed opportunities.

"Therefore, I agree with Doreen, and feel she should enjoy her time as a squirrel."

When nobody else spoke, Doreen argued, "Nancy, it's Friday. We have all weekend to change me back! Remember how we got out of hypertime in just one weekend?"

"No, I don't," Nancy sighed, repositioning Doreen back onto the palm of her hand, "and neither do you. And I don't see how that situation is applicable here since we technically had a lifetime to figure that one out."

"But...?" Doreen prompted.

"But you can go play with the squirrels as long as someone else goes with you."

Doreen frowned. "I'm not a child, you know."

"No, but you're also not a superhero anymore and we don't know if you're still invulnerable, and I'd feel better if there was someone to watch your back."

"Oh. Right. That's a good idea."

Mary said, "I'm going to get started with the blaster and take it apart to figure out what went wrong."

Brain Drain said, "I will go with Doreen to enjoy leisure time with squirrels, due to the fact that I am alone in my lack of knowledge about machinery and computational science. Furthermore I have truly enjoyed my past endeavors among squirrels and prior experience says I should thus enjoy their company again."

Doreen grinned. "Then it's settled! I won't be gone too long. Thanks, everybody!"

She leaped from Nancy's hands and scurried to the front door, stopping sheepishly as she realized she wouldn't be able to open it. Even if she managed to reach the doorknob, she was too small to be able to grip it or turn it. She was about to head for the window (Tippy's usual method of entry) when Brain Drain opened the door.

Doreen rushed to the tree just outside the apartment, where Tippy Toe lived during the rare times they weren't together. She tried not to go too far ahead of Brain Drain, but her excitement got the better of her.

The leaves of the trees were the wrong color and it took her a moment to realize why. Like all squirrels, she was now red/green colorblind. How strange!

"Tippy Toe?" she called hesitantly at the base of the tree.

The familiar squirrel with a pink ribbon around her neck climbed halfway down the tree. Tippy Toe asked, "Who are you? Are you new to the city?"

"No, Tippy, I'm Doreen! Whatever Mary did caused me to become a squirrel!"

Tippy ran the rest of the way down. "Is it because I bit you? Is that my superpower? Turning humans into squirrels?"

Doreen said, "It might just be a one-time thing, but I think we should wait to test it unless Nancy is here. Unlike me, a lot of people probably wouldn't want to be turned into squirrels."

"I don't know why they wouldn't," Tippy said. "Being a squirrel is great!"

Doreen grinned. "You got that right, Tips. But I think the problem would be turning someone into anything without their permission, not just a squirrel."

The squirrel ran around Doreen, sniffing cautiously. "You don't smell like Doreen any more. But you don't smell exactly like a squirrel either.

Doreen's sense of smell remained unchanged, since she already had squirrel senses as a human, but she couldn't always detect her own odor. She turned to sniff her tail, but her changed proportions meant that the appendage stayed out of reach, and her arms weren't long enough to grab it and force it forward. She circled herself to chase it, and that was how Brain Drain found her when he at last caught up.

"Does chasing one's tail bring joy?" the robotic man asked. "Or is it simply reminiscent of Sisyphus fruitlessly rolling a boulder in an attempt to feel as though one can accomplish something?"

Doreen was slightly embarrassed at having been caught doing something as silly as chasing her own tail. She hadn't done that since she was a toddler! (Well, except for that one time when she was twelve, but she didn't want to count that)

"Tippy said I smell different now, so I was trying to check," Doreen said sheepishly.

"I am glad you found Tippy Toe, for if I hadn't recognized the ribbon, I would never have found you. Unfortunately my databases do not contain information to distinguish every squirrel from one another," Brain Drain said.

"Hmm, that's a good point," said Doreen. "When we get back, I'll ask Nancy to give me a ribbon, too. What color should I choose, Tippy?"

Tippy considered the new squirrel. "I think you'd look lovely in yellow."

"Yellow it is!" agreed Doreen. "But first, I'd love to see your drey now that I'm the right size to fit in it."

The two scurried up the tree to the wad of leaves, branches, and various odds and ends that made up Tippy Toe's drey. Doreen had wanted to visit an actual drey since she'd first started talking to squirrels. She'd even tried to make her own in her bedroom when she was eleven, but it wasn't the same. Tippy's drey was colorful, full of candy wrappers and dried flowers. Old pink ribbons adorned the edges at various intervals.

"Is that my sock?" Doreen asked, noticing a bit of dirty fabric tucked into one side of the drey.

"It's very soft," Tippy smiled. "And I made sure to use a plain white one since I know you like the pretty patterned ones, and you have enough white ones to share."

Doreen rested her paws on the sock and was pleased with the satisfying way her paws sunk into the spongy fabric. "I wish you would have asked first, but it works really well here!"

"Now that you've seen my drey, do you want to go look for nuts together?" Tippy asked eagerly. "I can show you all the best places to find them, and bury them!"

"I'd love to!" Doreen answered.

Tippy scampered down the tree, but Doreen paused. She was an actual squirrel now, so she could experience one of the ways in which squirrels were superior to humans. She could rotate her feet 180 degrees and climb down the trunk headfirst.

"Doreen?" Tippy Toe called from the ground.

"I'm fine, Tippy. I just haven't done the whole 'rotating my feet' yet and I want to make sure I know how to do it."

Doreen was wide-eyed. She twisted her ankle, and watched as it kept going without resistance. This was so rad! If only human evolution could mimic this trait!

Doreen dug her claws into the wood and made her way down, pleased with the simplicity of it. "Wahooo!"

Once she was on solid ground, she explained to Brain Drain where she and Tippy Toe were going.

Brain Drain said, "I ask that I may accompany you, for I find pleasure in the search for acorns, as well as the action of planting them to aid in the creation of beautiful oak trees which can be enjoyed by future generations, as this is a simple task which can create a lasting legacy and positive impact upon the world."

"Of course you can come with us!" Doreen exclaimed.

The squirrels scurried to the park along with their nihilistic robotic friend. Along the way, Tippy was stopped multiple times by other squirrels asking about Doreen. All were excited to learn who this new squirrel was, and by the time they found their first fallen acorn, Doreen and Tippy had a bit of an entourage.

Tippy seemed frustrated by the crowd since she couldn't hide her acorn with an audience. That would defeat the purpose of hiding it!

Doreen yelled, "I know you're all my friends and you're excited to show me all the best things about being a squirrel, but I promised Tippy Toe I'd hang out with her today. I promise I will talk to the rest of you later, okay?"

The other squirrels complied with minimal complaints, leaving Doreen alone with Tippy and Brain Drain once more. The three searched for acorns and other nuts, occasionally snacking on their finds (with the exception of Brain Drain for obvious reasons).

Once they'd all buried a few nuts, Doreen kept her promise and played with the other squirrels. One by the name of Lady Acorn-alot introduced Doreen to her three newborn kits, which Doreen gushed over for an embarrassingly long time.

After Doreen had spoken to many of the squirrels present, Brain Drain said, "Doreen, it is dark now, and I believe it is time to return you to Nancy. Otherwise she may worry."

Doreen hadn't even noticed the sun setting. "Oh, dang, you're right, Brain Drain! Sorry, everybody, I have to get home now!"

"Will you be back tomorrow?" asked a young squirrel named Twizzler.

Doreen pondered that. She wasn't sure if her friends had found a way to transform her back. And even if they hadn't, she needed to work on a solution as well. "I probably won't be back tomorrow. And if I am, I'll probably be human again."

"Then can we go with you?" asked a squirrel called Georgie Porgie.

Doreen said, "I don't think that's a good idea. You'd bother the cat, and I don't think Nancy would be too happy either.

"Can we just follow you home then, and leave after?" suggested Lil Bignose.

Doreen couldn't think of any reason to decline that request, so she allowed it.

Doreen, Tippy, and the rest of the squirrels followed Brain Drain to Doreen's apartment. Doreen joined a few of the young squirrels in a variant of tag.

The apartment door opened before Brain Drain touched it. Nancy had been expecting her.

In the column of light from the living room, Nancy looked down at the mass of squirrels. "Doreen, I'm not sure which one is you, but you better not have invited all these friends to stay."

Yeah, Doreen definitely needed a ribbon like Tippy's.

She scaled the front steps and curled up against Nancy's foot until she picked her up. "No, they just wanted to walk me home. I figured Mew wouldn't like being around so many squirrels."

Doreen turned to her squirrel friends. "Everybody except Tippy Toe should go back to your homes. As you can see I've made it back to my home."

Within seconds, Doreen and Tippy were the only remaining squirrels. Nancy carried them both inside and closed the door.

"Nancy, could you tie a yellow ribbon around my neck, like Tippy?" Doreen asked.

"Sure, Doreen."

"Did Mary find a way to change me back?"

"No, she took the blaster apart completely, and couldn't figure out why you turned into a squirrel. The rest of us didn't have any luck either."

Doreen said, "That's okay, I'll try to find a way tomorrow. I will absolutely definitely be back to normal before class on Monday!"

Chapter Text

UnbeatableSG: Guess who just got turned into an actual #squirrel!

Starkmantony: Is...is that a good thing?

UnbeatableSG: Squirrels are the greatest! Of course it's a good thing!

ASpiderCan: One time I had a dream that I turned into a spider

ASpiderCan: But then I got stepped on and I woke up

ASpiderCan: It wasn't a good experience tbh would not recommend

UnbeatableSG: Luckily I have great friends to help keep me safe! Very thankful for SewWithTheFlow and YoItsTippyToe!

YoItsTippyToe: chrrt chk chuk chritt!

UnbeatableSG: Guess who can now rotate her ankles 180 degrees and more efficiently climb down trees!

SewWithTheFlow: Don't get too comfortable. You can't stay a squirrel forever.

UnbeatableSG: Don't worry! I will absolutely for sure definitely be back to normal before class on Monday!

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Doreen was not back to normal before class on Monday. She and her friends struggled all weekend to transform Doreen back, but to no avail. They'd tried reconstructing Mary's Atomic Blaster 8311; they'd tried creating a new device; they'd even tried contacting Loki, but he was apparently unavailable (Even when Nancy asked for him, so he must have truly been busy).

At least they'd learned -- through meticulous use of the scientific method -- that Tippy Toe couldn't turn more people into squirrels by biting them. Tippy was very disappointed by this, and Doreen overheard her talking to Mary about trying again to make Super Squirrel a thing. Tomas, however, was grateful to still be human, despite his affinity for similar rodents.

Admittedly, Doreen's weekend wasn't full of work and focus. She took many breaks to play with the other squirrels, climb trees, and just run through the grass at the park. She and Tippy had buried so many acorns, any subsequent visit to the park was sure to be full of snacks! She'd also taken the time to do her homework, despite the fact that she had to crawl across the keyboard to type. She was eternally grateful that keyboards had two "shift" keys.

But all of these breaks and distractions meant that she wasn't fully focused on her current dilemma. Nancy had repeatedly told Doreen that she should be trying to get back to normal, even going so far as threatening to stuff her in her backpack and forcing her to attend class. Doreen always insisted that everything would be fine. And anyway, shouldn't Mary be the one to find the solution? She was the cause of the situation.

Nancy always retorted with the fact that even though it was Mary's actions, it was Doreen's life, and she had to find a way to deal with it.

So Doreen awoke Monday morning still in the body of a squirrel.

"Wake up, sleepyhead, we have to get to class," Nancy said from the doorway.

"Ugh, can't I miss just one day?" Doreen groaned, rolling over on her pillow. "I already read the material, and I'm still a squirrel!"

Nancy smirked. "If you didn't want to go to school as a squirrel, you shouldn't have taken so many breaks. Besides, you didn't think this would be a problem yesterday."

"...Fine," Doreen ceded. "But half the teachers might not even let me in. They told me squirrels weren't allowed in class when I tried to bring Tippy that one time."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," Nancy said. "But you're actually a paying student. They have to let you in."

"Kind of paying. I have a scholarship," Doreen corrected.

"Registered student, then," amended Nancy. "Whatever. You're still coming to class with me."

"How will we even explain this?" Doreen asked.

"This is New York," Nancy said. "Besides everyone already knows I'm friends with Squirrel Girl. And both of us have been caught talking to squirrels. It shouldn't be that hard to explain."

Doreen groaned again, having run out of excuses.

"Only if you carry my backpack for me," Doreen said.

Nancy chuckled. "I wasn't expecting you to do it. Can you even lift your laptop now?"

"No," Doreen huffed, remembering her unfortunate attempt to carry a peanut butter jar yesterday. "Squirrels are strong, but a laptop weighs a lot more than I do right now." She shouldn't have started thinking about that peanut butter jar; now she really wanted peanut butter.

Nancy reached out her hand and petted Doreen behind the ears. Doreen preened, and then climbed onto Nancy's shoulder when the petting ceased.

"I'll get us both some breakfast and fix your bow. Then we can get to class. Make sure your backpack isn't missing anything while I get dressed."

Doreen agreed, and soon they were headed to class. Nancy carried both backpacks, one on each shoulder. Doreen sat in the side pocket of her own backpack, the pocket designed to comfortably hold waterbottles.

"Thanks for carrying everything, Nancy," Doreen said. "I'm sure it must be heavy since you don't have super strength. Like, normally it's hard for me to judge, but now that I can't carry anything, I have a lot more sympathy for people who don't have super squirrel powers."

"It's not bad. I took all the unnecessary stuff out of mine. And going crime-fighting with you has helped me get strong," Nancy replied.

Doreen smiled. "I think bad guys are more scared of you now than me!"

Nancy laughed. "That's only because you're too adorable to look like a threat, and I don't care for anyone's nonsense."

"Of course I'm adorable! I'm a squirrel!" Doreen's chest was proudly puffed, and her tail was curled delicately over the side of the pocket.

"I was talking about your human self," Nancy laughed. "But you do make an adorable squirrel." She reached over to stroke Doreen's head.

The walk to school was nice, but it ended too soon, and they had to enter class. Nancy set up Doreen's stuff in the seat next to her, and Doreen took her postition atop her desk at the keyboard of her laptop. The professor scowled upon seeing her. "Miss Whitehead, squirrels are not allowed in my classroom, and haven't I already had this conversation with Miss Green?"

"But that's not a squirrel," said Nancy. "That's Doreen."

Doreen waved in the hopes of getting into his good favor. Also in the hopes of looking adorable. In her experience, adorable-ness helped people get what they wanted.

The professor pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. A long, ragged sigh that managed to lament his lot in life while simultaneously admitting his acceptance. "Alright, but this is the only exception. Animals who aren't actually students are not allowed in this class." Only Doreen heard the quiet grumble afterward: "This is what I get for choosing to teach in New York."

Doreen pressed the button to turn on her laptop and dutifully listened to the professor. She tried to take notes, but her typing speed was much slower than normal. It wasn't her fault that the keyboard was as big as herself! And she definitely caught the student behind her staring at her attempts to type. Her notes were far less informative than normal, so she hoped she wouldn't miss anything when studying them later.

The professor tried to ignore the Actual Squirrel in his class for the majority of the lecture. But then came time for questions and discussion at the end.

And Doreen had always been one of the best participants in class discussions.

And everyone knew it.

The class waited with baited breath as her squirrel paw raised in the air, ready to start the discussion as usual. No other hands were raised.

The professor sighed as he was forced to stop ignoring her and said, "Miss Green?"

Doreen shared her thoughts in the squeaks of Squirrelese, looking to Nancy to translate.

Nancy began repeating Doreen's question and then stumbled. "Doreen, I honestly have no idea what you just said. Computer terms never came up in my Squirrelese lessons."

Doreen tried again.

"Sorry, Doreen, but I'm not a native speaker. And repeating the question won't make me magically understand you. Maybe you should just let other people talk this time?"

Doreen huffed and crossed her arms. Other students watched the exchange in silence, and then slowly returned their attention to the class discussion.

Doreen began to type, causing the discussion to halt for another second. She finished what she was doing and then told Nancy to read her questions for the professor. Class somewhat proceeded as normal for the remaining five minutes, aside from Nancy participating on behalf of Doreen.

Despite being a squirrel, Doreen tried to make the day proceed as normally as possible. But each professor had a different reaction to Doreen's transformation, and none were positive. One class was missed almost entirely after the revelation that one of the other students had a severe phobia of squirrels and other rodents. Doreen left while Nancy stayed behind to take notes for them both.

She grumbled as she traversed the campus halls, wishing she had a can to kick, and then wishing she had an itty bitty squirrel-sized can to kick. Then she got distracted thinking about how adorable itty bitty sodas would be, until an oblivious student nearly kicked her.

Doreen ran the rest of the way to the entrance and fled the building.

Tippy Toe had been waiting outside for her. Upon seeing her best squirrel friend, Doreen forgot her disappointment about being exempted from class, and the two played together as they wandered in the general direction toward home.

"I don't want to go back to school for my last class, but I don't have a way to tell Nancy since she has my phone," Doreen confessed.

"Then let's go to Tomas and Ken's place. They can message her for you," Tippy Toe suggested.

"Good idea!" Doreen said. "Hopefully at least one of them is home. I don't think either of them has class right now."

The two squirrels changed direction to meet up with their friends. Before they even reached their destination, they saw Ken walking along the sidewalk, and quickly caught up to him.

"Hey, Doreen. Hey, Tippy Toe," Ken greeted upon seeing them.

"Hi, Ken!" Doreen returned. "I was just looking for you! Would you mind texting Nancy that I won't be back for the last class?"

"Oh, shore," said Ken in a way Doreen knew he was making a terrible pun. He immediately retrieved his phone and sent the text.

"So what are you planning to do, if not class?"

Doreen tried to shrug before remembering half her weight was resting on her front paws. After nearly successfully hiding her stumble, she answered, "I don't know. I wanted to get started on my homework, but Nancy still has my laptop."

Ken said, "In that case, why dont you join me for patrol? I was just about to meet up with Tomas."

Doreen beamed. "That sounds awesome! I haven't been on a patrol all weekend! I've been too busy trying to find a way to turn back human."

Ken returned his phone to his pocket and gently grabbed both squirrels, allowing them to climb comfortably to his shoulders. He walked the rest of the way home, where Tomas and Mary were already waiting for him. Ken dropped his backpack and the squirrels at the entrance, then began taking off his civilian clothes to reveal his hero costume underneath.

Tomas was already changed, and Mary, as always, wore her regular clothes.

"Hey, Doreen," Mary approached her and stroked the fur behind her ears. "Sorry I haven't figured out how to change you back yet. I still don't know what happened with the Atomic Blaster. It was just supposed to give Tippy super strength."

"That's alright, Mary! Being a squirrel is awesome! Well, there are a few downsides, like not being understood by most people. But the way you're petting me feels fantastic!"

"I'm glad you're enjoying it, at least," Mary said. "Honestly, I'm glad you came into that lab at the last second. I don't think I'd enjoy being a squirrel as much."

Doreen grinned. "You'd be awesome as a squirrel! I can just imagine you breaking into highly secure facilities and learning all their secrets!"

"I've changed my mind; being a squirrel would have it's uses," Mary mused.

"But we shouldn't try use the blaster again until we find out how to reverse it."

"I wasn't going to! I'd still rather be a human than a squirrel!" Mary said. "I wonder if using the blaster on a human would have the same effect."

"You mean turning people into squirrels?" Doreen asked, imagining herself carrying a Squirrel-Ray into battles with her.

Mary shook her head. "No, causing a human bite to turn an animal into a human."

"For the sake of ethics and the animals, probably don't test it," Doreen said.

"It's just hypothetical!" Mary defended.

That was when the boys were ready to leave, so the whole group exited the apartment, Doreen and Tippy on Koi Boi's and Chipmunk Hunk's shoulders respectively.

The first few blocks of their patrol were relatively uneventful. They helped an old man with shaky hands get his key into the lock on his car. They helped a young woman carry groceries into her building. And they rescued a young boy from the street to avoid an oncoming car. But there were no major incidences, and nothing that Doreen could even help with.

"What's wrong, Doreen?" Tippy asked.

"I just feel kind of useless," Doreen admitted. "Everything I helped with just seemed to make everything worse!"

"That's not true!" Chipmunk Hunk protested.

"Even the grocery sack I tried to carry broke!"

Chipmunk Hunk tilted his head. "That's true. But that little boy was very excited to pet a squirrel who wouldn't run away from him."

"And that old man loved you," added Koi Boi. "Didn't you hear the way he gushed about squirrels being his wife's favorite animal?"

"But I made him trip over me first! And besides, none of that was very heroic," Doreen said.

"It's the little things that make a hero," Chipmunk Hunk said. "Not everyone can stop an alien invasion, but everyone can be a hero in their own way."

Doreen smiled softly. "You sound like somebody I used to know. He would always tell me things like that whenever I felt bad."

"He sounds like a good friend," Koi Boi said.

"He was the best," Doreen smiled.

Suddenly a familiar voice emanated from a construction site. "And to my patrons I'll be releasing special uncut footage from this Epic Crime! Now, let's head inside and see what we find!"

Doreen leapt from Koi Boi's shoulder and rushed to the mediocre villain. Even as a lone squirrel, she knew she could take down EpicCrimez!

"Look at this, followers! The key is in the ignition and everything! Let's take it for a joyride!"

"EpicCrimez! Stop what you're doing!" Doreen shouted as soon as she was near enough to be heard.

EpicCrimez ignored her (or possibly didn't notice her chirps). So Doreen did what any heroic squirrel would do: she jumped straight toward his face. Unfortunately he dodged at the last second, causing her to land on his bicep instead.

EpicCrimez laughed and pointed his phone camera at her. "Apparently the universe is trying to stop these Epic Crimes with a little squirrel!"

"Not just trying to stop you!" Squirrel Girl argued. "I've stopped you before, and I can stop you again now!"

EpicCrimez picked her up by the tail and recorded her squirming for a minute, laughing at her helplessness. Then he tossed her aside and proceeded to climb the steps to the seat of the bulldozer.

Doreen hit the ground hard, and had to spit out the taste of dirt. Her friends entered the construction site as EpicCrimez began to drive. And the bulldozer was headed straight for Doreen.

Chapter Text

UnbeatableSG: Remember when I said I'd be back to normal by Monday?

UnbeatableSG: I am Fate's Fool

SewWithTheFlow: At least you like being a squirrel?

ImHowatrd: imngne bienbg an animla adn sitlk thkinggng yuo can be a suprerhwro

SewWithTheFlow: You're literally a duck

ImHowatrd: adn im a drtexctive. npt a suyprhreo. I cna solkve asny mysdrey

UnbeatableSG: Wish me luck in class today everyone!

UnbeatableSG: So anyway, apparently students with rodent-phobias are more important than students who are rodents

UnbeatableSG: At least I can go on patrol! It's time to eat nuts and kick butts!

EpicCrimez: Stay tuned for my newest video tonight as I trespass on a construction site!

EpicCrimez: What is this squirrel doing at a construction site?

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Doreen was disoriented. Not only had she been grasped by her tail, but she'd been thrown into the dirt. Her current pain answered the question about whether she was invulnerable any more. Answer: she was definitely not. Her front left wrist felt sprained.

She rolled up into all fours (well, all threes plus minimal weight on her injured limb) just in time to see a massive bulldozer wheel coming her way with no time to dodge it. She ignored her pain and ran anyway, figuring that a pointless bid for safety would be better than just accepting her fate.

"Squirrel Girl!" came three frightened gasps and one concerned squeak.

Oh good, Doreen was running in their direction. She'd begun running while still disoriented, and worried that she was only going deeper beneath the heavy vehicle.

The tire reached Doreen, causing sharp pain to bloom. But only in her tail. She was still alive! Her heart was still racing from the adrenaline of nearly getting flattened by a vehicle the size of a skyscraper, but sheer relief caused her to collapse. Not into unconsciousness, thankfully, but moving seemed like a problem for Future-Doreen.

Chipmunk Hunk and Koi Boi immediately ran to her side while Mary confronted the criminal. Mary could be heard shouting about the inefficiency and ineptitude of EpicCrimez's crimes.

Doreen was writhing in pain, and her tail was twitching. But the good news was that she could still feel the appendage, and therefore would probably still be able to use it once it healed. Hopefully.

"Squirrel Girl! Are you okay?" Koi Boi asked.

"I think my tail is broken, and my wrist is hurt," she said. "But everything else seems fine."

Chipmunk Hunk scooped her up in his hands. "I've had to set a chipmunk's tail once before so I know what to do. Be ready, though. This is going to hurt."

He untied Doreen's yellow ribbon and searched for something to bind it to. Koi Boi provided two pencils from his pocket.

"You keep pencils in your superhero costume?" Chipmunk Hunk questioned as he attached the splint to Doreen's tail.

Koi Boi nodded. "And a small notepad. You never know when you'll need to write something down."

"That's what my phone is for," Chipmunk Hunk teased.

Doreen squealed as her tail was pulled, forcing everything back into place. Pain coursed through her spine, then gradually dissipated back to a dull ache. "Thanks, Tomas, I'll get it checked out later. For now, maybe we should stop Mary from turning this bulldozer into a bomb or a tank."

Immediately and simultaneously, all heads turned to watch Mary vs EpicCrimez. To absolutely no one's surprise, Mary was winning the verbal spar.

"What, you can't drive without the key? You call yourself EpicCrimez and can't even hotwire a car?" Mary teased as she tossed the keys out the window.

"I know how to hotwire!" EpicCrimez protested, but made no move to do so.

Mary pushed him into out of the drivers seat and claimed it for herself. "Look, you just reach under here, grab this, and --"

EpicCrimez ignored Mary's instructions in favor of addressing his followers from the passenger seat. "Alright, looks like this crime has been so epic, it attracted super hero attention! So now I'd like to try something that my most loyal followers will probably recognize from my previous videos!"

By this point, Mary had gone from hotwiring the bulldozer to reconfiguring the wires to make the bulldozer faster and ignore the brakes. Or possibly some other unspecified engineering feat of equally concerning proportions, but that was her usual go-to in situations like this.

Chipmunk Hunk passed Doreen to Koi Boi and joined Mary in the bulldozer. EpicCrimez carefully aimed his phone camera at his two opponents. "I'm going to ask you nicely to leave." The calm words were undercut by his manic grin.

"I'm going to ask the same of you," Chipmunk Hunk retorted.

EpicCrimez squeezed something in his other hand and the bulldozer and everyone inside it went flying.

The vehicle flipped in midair and landed upside down. Chipmunk Hunk fell from the drivers seat and onto the ground below as the bulldozer had reached its apex. Mary held tightly to the steering wheel to stop herself from following Chipmunk Hunk.

EpicCrimez just laughed and crawled from the passenger side shouting, "That was wild! If anyone is able to get their hands on a stolen sonic concussion blaster, I wholeheartedly endorse it!"

Koi Boi ran toward EpicCrimez, Tippy Toe following at his heels. His hands, still holding Doreen, were surprisingly steady. "You've done enough crime for one day! Now it's time to kick your hali-butt!"

"Yeah!" agreed Doreen.

EpicCrimez laughed and held out his hands placatingly. "Alright, alright. I don't want any trouble." His phone was in clear view but his hands were otherwise empty.

Doreen knew he was lying; EpicCrimez lived to cause trouble. So she ignored her aching tail and prepared to pounce. She and Tippy Toe exchanged subtle glances. Tippy was already moving toward the criminal.

EpicCrimez slowly stood, brushing dust off his pants. "I'll go with you. Let me just... ah... there we go!" In a fluid motion, the criminal threw some sort of projectile at Koi Boi, and Doreen jumped.

Oof! Landing was a lot harder without the use of her tail for balance! Her spine vibrated from the impact.

She ran the few remaining paces to EpicCrimez and began to claw at his legs, slowly making her way up toward his waist, then torso. EpicCrimez flinched and squealed. "Whaaaat's going on? What's the deal with this rabid squirrel?"

"There's no such thing as a rabid squirrel!!" Doreen yelled, digging her claws into the side of his stomach. "Squirrels can't get rabies!"

Tippy added her contributions to EpicCrimez's other leg, including a bite, which Doreen was certain was a hopeful attempt to turn this unwitting villain into a squirrel. Unsurprisingly, EpicCrimez did not become SquirrelCrimez.

Koi Boi was just recovering from his impact with the minor explosive. "That's not just a squirrel, EpicCrimez. That's my good chum Squirrel Girl! You know what that means? You're sharkbait!"

EpicCrimez laughed, and then violently flinched again. "Squirrel Girl could barely keep up with me as a human! She can't do anything as a tiny squirrel!" He tried to grab her to prove his point, but she quickly maneuvered herself to his back.

"Don't talk bad about squirrels!" Doreen said before sinking her claws deep into his shoulder.

"Ahhh!" EpicCrimez screamed in surprise. "You little rat! You may have been a superhero, but now you're just an annoyance!" He reached over his shoulder in another attempt to grab her, but again she dodged. His movements toward Tippy were equally fruitless.

"You should change your name from EpicCrimez to EpicFails!" Doreen laughed. "Koi Boi, you should translate that to him! It was definitely a good comeback that I totally thought of just now!"

Koi Boi laughed. "I think he gets the point!"

Mary and Chipmunk Hunk joined Koi Boi in watching Doreen and Tippy reduce EpicCrimez to a squirming wreck. Said supervillain was on his knees, thrashing wildly at the persistent squirrels.

Finally, he yielded. "I'm sorry, followers. I can't go any further with this video until I get rid of these bleeping squirrels! See you next time with more Epic Crimez!" He managed a weak dab before crumbling.

Chipmunk Hunk grabbed EpicCrimez's wrists while Koi Boi held out a hand for Doreen. Chipmunk Hunk said, "Thanks, Squirrel Girl. Now we can get him to the police to atone for his trespassing."

Doreen nodded as she collapsed into Koi Boi's arms. "And get me to a vet. I'm pretty sure my tail is broken and this splint is only a temporary fix."

"I'll text Nancy to meet us there," Mary offered, already on her phone.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Doreen woke from surgery to an irritable Nancy. "You miss class and the next thing I hear from you is that you're in surgery? Are you okay?" Ken and Tomas were absent, leaving Doreen to wonder how long she'd been there. Only Mary and Tippy Toe remained.

Doreen smiled weakly. "Well I definitely feel better, but I think that might be whatever the vet used to numb my tail."

Nancy stroked Doreen's head. "You should've let me go on patrol with you."

Doreen chuckled. "Yeah, definitely agree with that now!"

"Do you think you still heal super fast?" Nancy asked.

"I don't think I have any of my normal powers right now. Normally all my squirrel powers are scaled up to human size; but since I'm scaled down to squirrel size, my powers are, too. I'm a regular squirrel."

The vet, who had been silent until now, spoke. "Not gonna lie, normally my guests and patients don't have full conversations like this. It's a little weird."

Mary said, "You'd think more animal themed superheroes would need a vet."

Squirrel Girl considered that. "Well, statistically, most superheroes -- even animal themed ones -- can't actually talk to animals. (I learned that lesson over and over again the hard way). And considering the number of veterinarians in New York City alone, I'm not actually surprised this isn't a common occurrence. Although there is a definite non-zero chance of any vet meeting a hero who can talk to animals, not every vet will have the experience since there's more vets than superheroes."

The vet looked back and forth at the two humans in the room for an explanation. Finally Nancy said, "She's just calculating the probability of a vet meeting someone who can talk to animals."

The vet nodded. "Ah. I'm sure that's a common thought process in most squirrels." As hesitant laughter bubbled in the room, the vet added, "Anyway, your squirrel is free to go. It could have definitely been worse, but she'll need to stay out of trouble for a little while. I'd recommend coming back to check on her in a week."

"A whole week?" Doreen exclaimed.

Nancy rolled her eyes. "A week is nothing, Squirrel Girl. I broke my leg in middle school and had to stay in a cast for a month and a half."

"So, er, do you have a carrier for your squirrel?" the vet asked.

Doreen shook her head, and Nancy answered, "Well, she's not normally a squirrel. Um, I was planning to just carry her out myself."

"Just be sure to keep her tail elevated, and try not to jostle her," the vet said. He gently picked up Doreen and set her into Nancy's arms. Doreen had to admit she liked the way Nancy cradled her. Her arms felt so safe and comforting.

As they walked home, Doreen craned her neck to watch the passersby and enjoy the scenery. "Where'd everyone else go, anyway?"

Mary answered before Nancy could, "Tomas had a meeting with the school counselor, and Ken had to deal with some sort of underwater emergency. I couldn't quite tell what parts of his explanations were puns and which parts were facts."

Knowing Ken, that sounded perfectly plausible. His puns were out of control.

"You could've gone, too," Doreen said. "With Nancy here, you wouldn't need to go out of your way to take me home."

"It's the least I could do after getting you hurt in the first place."

Doreen stared at Mary and blinked. Blinked again. "What? My broken tail isn't your fault! If I'd known about you trying to turn Tippy into Super Squirrel, I'd have been there anyway, helping with the calculations! I got hurt cause I was being reckless, not because of anything you did!"

Mary smiled softly. "I already knew you didn't blame me. But I still should have followed proper safety procedures when testing the invention. And that's on me."

"That's fine!" agreed Squirrel Girl. "As long as you only blame yourself for the parts that were actually you, and learn from your mistakes. For example, I've learned it's a bad idea to jump on a person in a bulldozer."

Mary smiled. "You know, if I ever actually follow my dream of becoming a supervillain, I don't think I could associate with you. You'd be too good at keeping me away from the dark side."

Doreen and Nancy both laughed.

"Anyway, my house is that way, so I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" Mary said.

"Definitely!" Doreen said.

"But you'll have to come visit us," Nancy added. "Doreen isn't leaving the house until she's better."

"...Awww, nuts!"

Chapter Text

UnbeatableSG: Quick update for all my followers: I'm still a #squirrel!

StarkManTony: I thought you said you'd be back to normal by Monday?

UnbeatableSG: Listen

UnbeatableSG: Transforming one living creature into another with the power of science is hard!

UnbeatableSG: And weren't you allegedly just an AI at one point?

UnbeatableSG: So you don't get to make fun of me

SewWithTheFlow: Brb just found out my friend @UnbeatableSG is in the hospital

SewWithTheFlow: Well, she's at the vet. But still. I hope she's okay

YoItsTippyToe: Chtty chuk chrrrrt cht

SewWithTheFlow: Thanks Tippy, that's a relief. But I'm on my way anyway

UnbeatableSG: Thanks for everyone's kind messages and well-wishing! I'm alive, and I'll be back to full health soon!

UnbeatableSG: Pro-tip for my followers: getting run over by a bulldozer hurts

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"I'm booooooored," Doreen complained from her comfortable spot on Nancy's pillow. Nancy had just returned to the bedroom with a batch of freshly-baked peanut butter cookies.

"Well, what do you want to do?" Nancy asked.

"Eat nuts and kick butts."

Nancy smirked. "Not till your tail is better. Until then, here's a cookie." Doreen bit into the cookie eagerly, pleased at the delicious warmth.

"Thanks, Nancy," she said, cheeks stuffed with crumbs. "But I'm still bored."

Mew entered the room and casually knocked over a basket of yarn, scratched a spot on the wall, and leaped onto the bed to curl up next to Doreen.

Nancy picked up the spilled yarn. "Now you can't get up or you'll disturb the cat. Look how cute and comfy she is!"

Doreen narrowed her eyes at the traitorous feline. "You two are plotting against me. I know it." The cat purred in response.

"You're plotting against yourself," Nancy retorted. " You'll never get better unless you relax."

"I'm very relaxed. I'm just also bored."

"You could write those 'programming picture books for kids' that you've been thinking about," Nancy suggested jokingly.

"I posted that idea online so that someone else would write them. I don't want to do it! I just want them to exist!"

"Well, you could go over the lecture notes from the class you missed yesterday." Nancy handed Doreen a stack of paper.

Doreen began to peruse the papers. "This is mostly Cat Thor stories."

"Yeah, the lecture was really boring, and you and I already reviewed the material together. The actual notes are on the back of the first page."

Doreen skimmed the lecture notes, making a mental note about the homework assignment listed at the bottom. Then she flipped the page back over to read about Cat Thor versus Lokitten. The hand-drawn comic was an epic battle with an anticlimactic ending and lots of witty banter. Doreen loved it, as she loved all of Nancy's cheesy fanfictions.

When she'd finished, a whole five minutes had passed.

"Is Tippy back yet from hanging out with Brain Drain?" Doreen asked.

Nancy didn't even look up from her knitting. "It hasn't even been an hour."

Doreen let herself get distracted by the rhythmic movements of Nancy's knitting needles for a moment before falling back into boredom. Then she occupied herself by petting Mew, until the cat decided she no longer wanted attention and fled the room.

"I wish something interesting would happen," she complained after another moment of sheer boredom.

A knock sounded at the door, as if summoned by the universe itself to appease Doreen's boredom.

"That could be interesting! Let's see who it is, Nancy!"

Nancy set down her work in progress. "I'll see who it is. You stay in bed."

Doreen scowled. "Fine. But whoever it is, you should let them in to see me. Even if it's a traveling salesperson."

Nancy nodded her agreement and left the room. Doreen tried to listen to the conversation. The voices were too muffled to make out any words, but she heard Nancy and a distinctly masculine voice. Then two sets of footsteps approached Nancy's room. Nancy walked in first, followed by --

"Tony!" Doreen greeted her favorite avenger. "You came to see me!"

Tony Stark looked down at the squirrel on the bed. "Is that really you, pard?"

Doreen nodded, since he didn't know any Squirrelese. But she was pretty sure her ecstatic grin didn't need to be translated.

"I saw online that you hurt your tail, so I wanted to personally give you my condolences, and also a bag of mixed nuts." The bag was enormous, filled with nuts that even Doreen had never seen.

Doreen beamed, "Aw, Tony! Thanks!"

"Also," Tony added, "someone told me you were bored, so I spent the morning working on...hold on, these jeans are a little tight." He struggled with his pocket for a minute and pulled out a small gift box that fit comfortably in the palm of his hand. A small card was attached to the decorative ribbon around it.

"To Squirrel Girl, Get well soon. Until then, Enjoy this new prototype designed to be squirrel-sized."

Doreen tore open the package to see a tiny video game controller that fit perfectly in her hands. "Aw, Tony! You don't know how much this means to me!"

"I figured, even when you get back to normal, maybe you can teach your squirrel friends to play. And, I brought you a game as well."

The outside of the game had clearly been hand-drawn by Tony himself. It was titled Unbeatable, and he'd drawn pencil sketches of himself, Squirrel Girl, and a few enemies she'd beaten. Doreen's eyes were wide as saucers.

"No way!!! Is this what I think it is? Did you design a personalized game about me so I can virtually kick butts and eat nuts????"

"She's excited," Nancy translated.

"I could tell," laughed Tony. "And I've got some free time today to test it out."

Doreen stood as high as her four little paws could hold her and chattered excitedly. Squirrelese had a nifty feature where some sounds just signified excitement without having an actual translation, and these were the sounds she was making on repeat. Nancy carried Doreen to the living room where the gaming consoles were set up.

Soon, Doreen and Tony were virtually brawling every villain that either of them had ever beaten. Doreen (via Nancy's translations) notified Tony of any improvements that could be made for his squirrel-sized controller.

Tony was using cheat codes he'd personally implemented to use the "Squirrel Girl Tactic" of befriending half the villains and bringing them to his side. Doreen didn't have these cheat codes...yet. So she was beating the enemies the old fashioned way.

Suddenly a gigantic purple foot appeared on the screen. "That's not fair!" Doreen squeaked, button smashing in a futile effort to do damage to the foe with a million hit points.

"Sorry, I can't understand you," Tony said as he made his avatar climb up Galactus's leg.

"The only way to beat Galactus is to befriend him! I know that from experience! Give me those cheat codes!"

"I tried to include every villain either of us have faced. And you've beaten Galactus, so I had to add him."

Nancy laughed. "She's asking for your cheat codes."

"But that would be cheating!" Tony said in a fake-offended tone. "It's not cheating when I do it, because I invented the game."

"Then you've made an impossible game," Doreen grumbled, still button smashing.

"She says the game is impossible," Nancy dutifully translated.

Tony shook his head as he pressed the buttons to allow himself to converse with Galactus. "It's not impossible. There's drop items from previous enemies that, combined, let you beat him. I'll leave that up to you to figure out while you recuperate though. Cause I just won the game!"

Tony stood up and dropped the controller like it was a microphone, and immediately Nancy and Doreen protested.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't drop that! I can't afford a new one right now! If you broke that, you owe me a new one!"

"That wasn't even a good mic drop! I can't believe you'd try that here! With stuff that isn't even yours!"

Tony gave a sheepish grin. "Sorry, I'll, uh, be back later with a new one." He picked up the controller, which seemed to be in one piece. "How about a goodbye hug, pard?"

Doreen rolled her eyes with a smile, and ignored her bandaged tail for a moment to leap into his outstretched arms. "Thanks for the game, Tony."

He didn't respond. Probably because he didn't know what she said. Then he set Doreen gently back on the sofa and left.

Doreen and Nancy spent the next few hours trying to figure out either the powerups or the cheat codes to their new game, but could only ever get halfway to beating Galactus.

Brain Drain soon showed up with Tippy Toe, and the two accepted Doreen and Nancy's invitation to play. Somehow, Tippy managed to button-smash her way into befriending a minor villain and adding them to her team roster.

"How did you do that?" Doreen asked.

"No idea," Tippy said. "I guess I'm just the greatest video-game-playing squirrel in the world!"

Doreen laughed. "That doesn't surprise me one bit!"

Nancy excused herself from further playing so that she could focus on her knitting and her homework, so Doreen and Tippy took turns competing against Brain Drain (who, admittedly, wasn't very good). They didn't get very far without Nancy.

About an hour later, Mary arrived announcing that she'd made a list of theoretical solutions for transforming Doreen back into her usual squirrel/human hybrid self.

"Are all of the things on your list real possibilities?" Nancy asked, curious.

"They're theoretical possibilites," Mary said. "Most of them are science fiction. More fiction than science. But they could help us think of something realistic."

"In a world where people routinely time travel, get cloned, and use magic, I wouldn't call anything impossible," Doreen said.

"That's... honestly fair," Nancy said. "So let's see that list."

"Number one: Magic spell." Mary looked at the other two expectantly.

"I think Loki uses illusions more than real magic," Nancy mused.

"And I have no idea where to find Dr. Strange," Doreen added. "Besides, I'm not sure what kind of side effects a magic spell would have. But that's definitely a for-real option in case nothing else works."

Mary nodded, adding handwritten notes under the entry. "Number two: create a clone body of your human self and then transfer your consciousness to the clone."

"Assuming the clone isn't sapient, that remains a viable option," Nancy said hesitantly. "But then we're left with an empty squirrel body that used to be Doreen and I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that emotionally."

"That's a good point," Doreen agreed. "And I would prefer to have my original body if possible."

"Okay, last...resort," Mary wrote. "Number three: Machine that turns animals into humans."

"Even if we can make something like that," said Doreen, "I'm not exactly a normal human. What if it messes something up? Or makes me lose my tail!" She hastened to add, "Not that there's anything wrong with being a regular human, but--"

"But it wouldn't be you," Nancy smiled. "I'd miss your tail, too."

"We're getting a lot of 'last resort' options here," Mary said. "We need to actually try something!"

"Well what's next?" Doreen asked.

"Number four: shoot the Atomic Blaster 8311 at a human and have that person bite Doreen to try to recreate the effects of the original cause."

"No," Doreen and Nancy said simultaneously.

Nancy said, "Besides being unsafe, untested, and unethical, we'd still have the same problem of potentially getting rid of all Doreen's squirrel DNA, even if it works."

"Alright," said Mary as she crossed that option out. "Number five: find a way to go back in time to prevent this from happening."

"But that would create a paradox, and then the me in this reality would either cease to exist, or still be a squirrel, because instead of solving the problem, we just created another reality. Although, I do enjoy time travel, and it's always fun to meet my alternate selves. But there's a very nonzero chance that it won't actually solve anything."

"Okay," said Mary. "Adding 'recreational time travel only' to that entry. Number six: time travel to the future to learn how we solved the problem."

"Nope, that is the definition of a bootstrap paradox! If I learn something only because I already learned it, the knowledge appeared from nowhere."

"Darn, that was my favorite one," muttered Mary as she crossed it out.

"Although," continued Doreen, "since I know about the bootstrap paradox and don't want to cause it, future-me would probably not actually give present-me information. Just hints to lead me to the right track."

Nancy added, "That's assuming we actually solve the problem in the future. There's a possibility that Doreen just lives out the rest of her life as a squirrel, and going to the future doesn't help at all."

Doreen frowned. "It's not like me to give up, though."

"No, but you do enjoy being a squirrel," Nancy said.

"True," Doreen conceded.

Mary frantically rewrote the option and added a "maybe?" to the end.

"Number seven -- don't judge, I was running out of ideas! -- Die and hope to be reincarnated into a human."

Nancy stared blankly at Mary for a moment. "You can just cross that one out."

"Well, that's all my ideas," Mary said after crossing off number seven. "Thoughts?"

"We're left with two feasible options: magic or a transformation machine," Nancy summed up.

Doreen frowned. "As much as I love science, I think magic might actually be the more realistic solution in this case. We just need to get into contact with a magic-user first."

"If Loki would just give me his phone number," Nancy muttered.

"While you two work on that, I'll get started on a machine to try to change you back," said Mary.

"Didn't you try that already, the first day? Will you be getting input from other engineers this time?" Nancy asked.

"That time, I was trying to do it under time constraints which forced me to make a bad design. Now that you've already gone to school as a squirrel, we have more than a weekend to make it work."

"I worry about what you're going to do to me," Doreen deadpanned.

"It'll be fine!" Mary said. "I'll even let you see the blueprints for it and everything before we test it."

"That's acceptable," said Nancy.

Mary left to get started on her invention, muttering excitedly about various designs.

Nancy asked Doreen if she was feeling any pain anywhere, to which Doreen responded in the negative.

"Then let's head to the home of the sorcerer supreme. You've been there before, right? It's our best option for finding someone who can use magic. And possibly finding Loki if he's still staying there."

Nancy gently carried Doreen out of their apartment and together they made their way to the sorcerer supreme. Halfway there, however, they were stopped by a frantic squirrel. A familiar squirrel.

"What's wrong, Lady Acorn-alot?" Doreen asked from the safety of Nancy's arms.

The squirrel was crying. "My kits! My kits! They were kidnapped!"

"By who?" Doreen asked, eyes wide.

"A human came and took them! And he said-- he said, 'Tell that blasted Squirrel Girl I'm doing this for her. Tell her to come alone and I'll let them go'."

"Come where?" Doreen asked.

Nancy shook her head. "You're still healing. I'm coming with you."

"Of course! But don't show yourself until the kits are safe. Where did the human say to meet him?"

Lady Acorn-alot stammered an address, but she struggled so much that no one could be certain the concluding location was accurate. Regardless, Doreen squirmed in Nancy's arms until she could jump to the ground... only to faceplant because her tail actually played a crucial role in allowing her to land upright.

"I'm fine!" Doreen exclaimed before Nancy could ask. "Let's get those kits!"

Chapter Text

UnbeatableSG: Why does recovery have to be so boring?

UnbeatableSG: I've counted all the leaves on the tree out my window. Still bored.

StarkManTony: I have a solution

UnbeatableSG: What's the solution?

UnbeatableSG: Tony?

UnbeatableSG: OMG! Tony made me a custom video game and a tiny squirrel sized remote!

UnbeatableSG: Criminals are now required to come to me for their beating. I will be playing this game till the end of time!

SewWithTheFlow: SG no, criminals are now required to turn themselves in to the police.

UnbeatableSG: Anyone know where I can find someone who can magic me back to normal?

UnbeatableSG: Yelp is no help. I look up magic and it only shows me card shops

UnbeatableSG: brb on my way to track down a sorcerer

UnbeatableSG: BRB ON MY WAY TO TRACK DOWN A SQUIRREL KIDNAPPER!

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

The building loomed over Doreen like a mighty fortress. She'd never seen such an imposing suburban home before. It looked like the rest of the houses on the street, but small details stood out: the dry yellowed grass; the rusted rake lying in the middle of the yard; the doorless garage with a myriad of threatening tools.

This must be the right address. The house was the only one that looked abandoned.

She didn't want to enter through the front door. This was partly for the sake of stealth, but it was mostly for the sake of her dignity. She didn't want to scratch at the door until it opened, which was her practice when Nancy was home.

Doreen circled the house and found an inviting hole under the back porch, which weaved all the way through the crumbling brick and drywall.

The hole opened into an unfinished basement, all concrete and wooden planks. She didn't hear anything yet, but decided to investigate first down here.

As suspected, she did not find the squirrel kidnapper.

So Doreen scaled the stairs. The main floor was nearly as unfinished as the basement. Dust, drywall, and power tools littered every available surface, aside from the kitchen island which contained two cages. The mewling squeaks confirmed that the cage contained the kidnapped kits.

Doreen ran for the cages, but stopped short upon noticing a human who had previously been hidden from view. At this angle, the counter and cage obscured his face, but the logoed green and black pants revealed his identity as EpicCrimez.

"Let the kits go, EpicCrimez!" Doreen cried.

"I'm guessing you're Squirrel Girl? Either that or the mother."

Squirrel Girl resumed her run toward the cage. "Yeah, I'm Squirrel Girl! And you're toast! Not even the good kind of toast with peanut butter; just plain, boring burnt toast!"

It was probably good he couldn't understand her, as that was not one of her best battle cries.

EpicCrimez approached her and kicked her. She flew into the wall and slid down until she collapsed onto a pile of nails. Only luck kept her from getting stabbed. She wasn't sure if a tetanus shot would be available to a squirrel or not.

"Definitely Squirrel Girl, then." Something was off about EpicCrimez's demeanor. Something was missing. His tone was darker, more menacing.

Doreen ignored her sore body, and the pain in her tail that told her she'd ruined the vet's hard work. She shot toward the cage, dismissing EpicCrimez entirely. Her only goal at the moment was to free the babies.

EpicCrimez used his unfairly large stride to reach her again, and he picked her up by the tail.

Ow! Even if he thought this was an appropriate way to pick up a squirrel, the bandadging should have clued him in to her injury!

Doreen cried out in pain and then managed to silence herself as EpicCrimez began to speak. "I'll let them go. I'll unlock the cage and never bother them again. But only if you get in the other cage willingly."

"I'll free them myself, you Big Jerk!!"

Doreen managed to scratch her captor hard enough to drop her. She quickly regained her footing after faceplanting, and leapt up onto various surfaces which led to the kitchen island.

EpicCrimez watched her with a smug smirk.

She reached into the cage to sooth the crying kits. "It's okay, little ones. I'll get you back home." The squeaking didn't cease, but it did lessen.

Now to unlatch the door. Doreen found the mechanism and squeezed with all her might, but squirrel-sized squirrel-strength was no match for human-sized human-strength. The door remained closed.

"Our deal still stands." EpicCrimez gestured to the empty cage next to her.

Now she knew what was missing. This was the first time they'd interacted without his phone recording everything. Rather than speaking to his viewers, he was speaking directly to her.

She looked from the kits to the empty cage to EpicCrimez and back again. And she knew there was only one option. She was trapped here either way. EpicCrimez could easily grab her again and force her into the cage, and then he'd have no reason to release the kits.

And Nancy was still waiting safely outside. She'd notice if she didn't come out, or if the kits came out without Doreen.

Doreen trusted Nancy to have her back. So she entered the cage.

EpicCrimez laughed. "Yes! I caught the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl! The most epic crime I've ever done!"

He opened the cage with the kits and then picked up Doreen's cage.

"At least take them outside to their mom, you monster! They're too young to climb off this counter themselves!"

But EpicCrimez ignored her distress. He brought her outside to an incredibly nondescript vehicle. Doreen didn't see Nancy anywhere, but shouted, "It's EpicCrimez, but the kits are still inside the house! Help them home, then worry about me! Nancy! Free the kits!" At least she could take advantage of the one benefit of not being understood by EpicCrimez.

Said criminal threw the cage into the back seat, which jostled Doreen into smashing her tail against the side. The vehicle began to move, but from her vantage point, Doreen could see nothing. It would be impossible to guess where he was taking her.

The transit included lots of fast stops and sharp turns, to the extent that Doreen was certain he was driving purposefully violently in order to hurt or bother her. She doubted anyone could be allowed on the road if they drove this bad.

After a few minutes of rolling around in a cage in the back seat, the car made its most jarring stop yet, launching the cage forward onto the floor. The car turned off and the cage was covered by a blanket before EpicCrimez began to carry her somewhere else.

Doreen tried to listen to anything that could reveal her location, but as soon as keys started jangling, the cage was loudly banged against something, and her attention was focused on reorienting herself.

There was more jostling and banging and footsteps, but she seemed to be inside now.

After all of the slamming and shaking, EpicCrimez set the cage down with surprising gentleness. But the blanket remained.

"Now what?" EpicCrimez sounded exhausted. "This was a stupid idea! What do I even do with a squirrel anyway?"

Then came the sounds of a computer keyboard and the occasional electronic music. This lasted a long time. Definitely at least an hour. If Doreen had been bored this morning at home, she was definitely bored here, in the dark in a small cage with nothing to entertain herself. Nothing to eat either. She could really go for a cashew salad right now. Or even just the acorns she'd buried with Tippy Toe yesterday.

More time passed, and the sporadic typing and music playing changed to the deliberate clicking and typing of video game playing. She heard EpicCrimez roast a few opponents with all the wit of a twelve-year-old noob.

Doreen curled up against the side of the cage, trying to keep her tail elevated as the vet recommended. Eventually she fell in to a fitful sleep, despite the discomfort of the hard plastic bottom.

She tossed and turned and didn't feel rested at all when she awoke to the sound of EpicCrimez's voice.

"Hey, everybody! Welcome back to another EpicCrimez' epic crimes video! I have something super exciting to announce, but first, a message from my sponsor!"

Doreen could see nothing through the thick blanket which covered her cage, but she could unfortunately hear every word of EpicCrimez's praising of a popular VPN.

"Okay, I don't know if you guys have been following me, or various superheroes on social media, but there was an announcement from my personal nemesis, Squirrel Girl."

Doreen had no idea that EpicCrimez saw her as a nemesis. She saw him as a nuissance, but she was flattered, in a way.

"Basically, the gist is that Squirrel Girl has somehow been transformed into a squirrel. An actual, for-real squirrel."

Doreen's cage jostled and the blanket disappeared to reveal a bedroom stocked with all manner of mysterious technology.

"This squirrel, as a matter of fact!" Doreen could see EpicCrimez's crooked grin in the screen of his computer, and again, peering through the bars of her cage.

"I know what you all must be thinking: 'that's probably just some random squirrel you found in the park'. And that's a good point. How can I prove that this is actually Squirrel Girl?"

Doreen figured she could easily pose as an actual squirrel, and make him lose credibility (especially since she'd always acted like a squirrel, even when human). Maybe she could plan her escape by grabbing some of his miscellaneous junk? The only thing nearby was an odd button labelled "Do Not Press". Of course, now she wanted to do nothing but press the button.

EpicCrimez opened the cage and grabbed her. (Again, by the tail! What was his deal with that?) "I decided to go the classic route, and put her in this maze. I know, she's not a rat, or mouse, or whatever usually solves mazes. But whatever.

"And here's the genius part. This isn't a normal run-of-the-mill maze where the mouse (or in this case, squirrel) just has to follow the smell of food. No, this is a death trap, that can only be survived if the squirrel can read."

"Tippy Toe can read!" Doreen argued. "I taught her, but still."

EpicCrimez set Doreen into... Tupperware? Some sort of plastic container. But when he put the lid on, her only option was to follow a narrow tube in the wall. (She'd tried the lid, but apparently EpicCrimez had some seriously industrial strength tupperware).

EpicCrimez was still talking, but the words were muffled by the plastic walls that seemed to eat the sounds that tried to pass through. Doreen decided she didn't want to solve his stupid maze, so she just stayed where she was.

The lid opened the tiniest crack and EpicCrimez put his mouth so close to the window that she could smell his rancid breath. "You didn't seem to hear me, so I'll say it again: you have thirty seconds to start moving before I drop a snake in here. And I'm sure you know what snakes do to squirrels."

Doreen pushed on the lid again, hoping that the small opening would have loosened the rest of the edges, but she had no luck. As the lid closed, the force of his words hit her. She was a squirrel, and a snake would eat her. She couldn't pick up a snake, nor did she have a viable route to fight a snake with her current size and strength.

So she ran through the tunnel. The walls were still clear. She thought he must have made this particular part with packing tape and saran wrap. Unfortunately it was at least 5 millimeters thick, and relatively impenetrable.

She soon came to her first intersection. A post-it note was adorned with horrible handwriting which read "Go left". Rolling her eyes, she went left.

The sound of hissing reached her ears, and she ran faster. After a minute, she ended up in another room (extremely large tupperware?) with a floor made of thin Lego bricks. A pile of unused bricks filled half the room. The post-it note on the wall said "Block the snake's path"

Doreen used the blocks to build a wall in front of the entrance. Her heart pounded as the snake came into view before she'd finished. Fortunately, the opening was too small for the large snake to squeeze through. Unfortunately, legos were not the strongest building material, and a slight nudge from the snake caused the wall to topple. Doreen backed away as far as she could, but there were no other paths out of this container.

She was abruptly reminded that she had an audience when the ceiling disappeared and EpicCrimez grabbed the snake in the hand that wasn't holding the plastic lid.

"See, I don't think a normal squirrel could have built a wall out of interlocking brick toys," EpicCrimez was saying, ignoring the hissing snake in his hand.

"But for those of you who still don't believe me -- stay there Squirrel Girl --" Doreen was pushed back into the container -- "I have more proof."

The lid was returned, and Doreen was left alone in muffled silence. Left to her own boredom, she decided to head back into the maze to explore. She wandered past the broken Lego wall and chose the unexplored path.

This path contained more sticky notes, all with variations of "This is the wrong way", "Turn around", or "dead end ahead", so it wasn't surprising when the tube abruptly ended with a wall of tape. The tube was too narrow to turn around in, especially with her bandaged tail, so she was forced to either stare at the wall, or walk backwards. Part of her wanted to wait here, since there was no obvious way for EpicCrimez to grab her from here. The other part of her wanted to walk with her ankles rotated again, 'cause that had been pretty cool.

Doreen had always been the kind of person to do what she wants, so she decided to rotate her ankles and walked backwards through the tube.

She hadn't even made it back to the forked path when the entire tube tilted. Doreen was poured back into the room with the Legos.

The lid was again removed, and EpicCrimez reached in. Doreen scampered onto his arm before he could attempt to hold her by her tail again.

EpicCrimez faltered at her complacency, but swiftly regained composure. "I'm going to give you the opportunity to say whatever you want to my viewers. Since you've somehow been able to update your twitter, you can obviously type."

Doreen wasn't actually being complacent, however. She leapt from his shoulder before he could grab her, and made a point to press the distracting button she'd seen earlier. Anticlimactically, the button emitted a fart noise.

She scampered along the shelves of the room, hoping for some good luck and some useful device. Everything was labelled, but none of the labels were helpful. They said things such as "Thing found in spaceship raid", "Stolen from some kid in park", "Does something weird to birds", and her personal favorite "WTF".

"Bleeping squirrel! Bleeping super hero!" Doreen laughed at EpicCrimez censoring himself to avoid demonitization. Did villain streams get monetized in the first place? If so, YouTube should really refine their algorithm.

She tripped over a laser pointer in her scamper to evade his grubby hand, but the blast somehow cleaned a rusty screwdriver across the room, making it shiny and new. In her surprise, EpicCrimez managed to grab her tail.

Doreen was dumped back into her cage, but now half the space was occupied by a small wireless keyboard. She could see a blank document open on his computer screen.

"The only reason the snake isn't here with you is because I need you to prove you're actually Squirrel Girl. You better write a good introduction, or else." EpicCrimez's words were whispered with almost as much venom as the snake probably had.

Doreen shuddered and began to use the keyboard. "i am squirrel girl. i let epiccrimez catch me so he would let baby squirrels go back to their mom. also plz stop holding me by my tail. its still healing and it HURTS."

EpicCrimez grinned. "And now that I've proven my claims, it's time for the real fun: I'm going to take a hero against her will to commit crimes she's powerless to stop!"

Chapter Text

SewWithTheFlow: Attention- Lost squirrel! Responds to the name Squirrel Girl, and wears a yellow ribbon

YoItsTippyToe: CHUKT CHIKK CHITTY CHRIKT, CHIRRT CHUK

SewWithTheFlow: Thanks for translating my message to Squirrelese so the squirrels can help us find her too

SewWithTheFlow: Attention criminals, please do not commit crimes just because I'm looking for a squirrel that shares a name with a super hero

SewWithTheFlow: This is definitely a different squirrel and the actual Squirrel Girl is still going to kick criminal butts

SewWithTheFlow: Just to be safe, anyone thinking of committing crimes should just stay home or turn themselves into the police immediately

EpicCrimez: Hey internet! Special Livestream tonight!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Doreen hated the collar around her neck. Where EpicCrimez had found a collar designed to fit a squirrel, she couldn't even guess. But more annoying was the leash attached to the collar. It wasn't even long enough to reach from where it attached at the villain's beltloop to the floor. She'd jumped off his shoulder once, only to dangle around his knee, spinning uncontrollably.

EpicCrimez had concealed Doreen in the pet carrier as they left the house, presumably to keep her from knowing her whereabouts. But upon stopping the vehicle, he'd attached the leash and allowed her free reign of his right shoulder.

"Alright, followers, see this building?"

Said building was worn down with wooden boards covering every window and door. The only thing more prevalent than dust was graffiti. It was likely home to more than a few squatters, judging by the discarded coats by the door and the empty beer bottles that still smelled fresh.

"This has been an eyesore in my community for too long," EpicCrimez continued. "Now it's going to be the perfect place to play with my new toy!" He pulled a flamethrower from his backpack. Doreen had seen the end of it sticking out the top, but had assumed it to be a regular rifle of some sort.

"Please at least make sure there's no one inside first," Doreen said without much hope.

"I found this just lying around the other day, can you believe it! Imagine me, going to the grocery store, and seeing a jeep with a flamethrower in the passenger seat!"

EpicCrimez began to show his followers the different settings on his flamethrower while Doreen began to shout. "Hey! Are there any squirrels around here! I need your help!"

EpicCrimez stopped his explanations to smack Doreen's head. "If you don't shut up, you'll be in the building when I light it up."

Tbh it might be easier to escape without EpicCrimez watching her every move. "Hey, squirrel friends! I'm about to be trapped in a burning building! Please send help, and also get word to Nancy Whitehead, if possible!"

EpicCrimez glared at her, then smirked. "Well, I was going to try to draw this out a little more, but it looks like Squirrel Girl is ready to take a look inside. Let's see what we can find!"

"Someone, please tell Nancy where I am!"

EpicCrimez walked around to the back of the building, where a wooden board had been torn off. McDonalds bags and discarded food wrappers were strewn in front of the opening.

"Okay, we're just gonna go ahead and turn the camera to night vision."

As EpicCrimez's phone screen turned varying shades of green, Doreen looked around with her regular squirrel vision since it was midday and not even that dark actually. There were no squatters here, at least not human ones. A bunch of squirrels were huddled in the shadows.

Wide-eyed, Doreen said, "You guys need to get out of here! This guy is going to burn down the building!"

"How do you know?" wondered an old grey squirrel (grey in the sense that he was old and grey, and also that was his species).

"I speak Human," Doreen explained. "I'm Squirrel Girl, and am actually normally human. Mostly."

"Are you here to burn it down with him?" a younger squirrel accused.

"No, but I think he's going to trap me here somehow."

There was a chorus of horrified squirrel squeaks, and a loud "Stop talking at them!" from EpicCrimez.

"We'll get you out before we flee," promised another squirrel.

Doreen smiled in gratitude. "Someone should leave to find my friend Nancy Whitehead. She's human, but she knows Squirrelese."

Enraged with her disobedience, EpicCrimez growled at her. And though she enjoyed the animalistic display, she definitely did not enjoy hanging from a dusty light fixture as the leash spun and swung back and forth. But she was able to see two of the squirrels scamper out to find Nancy, so hopefully things would turn out okay.

EpicCrimez spoke again to his followers, explaining his nefarious plan to improve his view by burning the building... with Squirrel Girl inside. As far as plans went, it wasn't very creative. And if Doreen had been able to speak English, she'd have told him so.

As it was, Doreen was looking around for an escape route. Her main objective was to save the squirrel family and herself, but ideally she'd save the building, too.

She tried to grab the leash but her tiny squirrel arms were designed for grasping tree bark and acorns, not for grabbing at stiff waxy restraints. The smell of gasoline wafted into the room and Doreen realized that EpicCrimez must've had more than just the flamethrower with him. She also realized her time was running out.

Two other squirrels leaped onto the light fixture and began to gnaw at the threads holding her aloft. Doreen also managed to finally snag a stray thread with her claw and painstakingly pulled herself up to their level.

She and the other two squirrels chewed furiously at the leash until it finally tore and then snapped. Doreen's tail instinctively twisted to help her land safely, but it probably also pulled a stitch or two.

"Thank you!" she cried. The other squirrels followed her down. "Are your friends looking for Nancy?"

The smaller squirrel nodded. "They are going to ask around until they find her."

"Awesome! She'll be able to help save your home. Does anyone else live here?"

The larger squirrel shook his head. "No more squirrels. But humans like to come here at night and sleep."

So this building did host squatters. Doreen was determined to save this home for them. "We need to stop EpicCrimez! I'll distract and attack him. You guys get as many friends as you can find and pile on him so he can't light the fire!"

The squirrels agreed with determined nods. Doreen left through a tiny hole in the wall and found EpicCrimez showing off his flamethrower again. Since she was still attached to the leash, she tied the end into a loop and threw herself at her enemy, catching the flamethrower with her makeshift lasso.

"Curse you, Squirrel Girl! You always get in my way!" EpicCrimez whined. "Give me back my flamethrower!"

"It wasn't yours to begin with!" Doreen retorted as she ran across his body.

The flamethrower hit the ground with a short burst of flame, lighting the dry grass around them.

"See what you did! Now there's an actual fire that can spread! I only wanted to burn this one building!"

"Unless we put it out somehow, the building will still burn! Call the fire department!"

Doreen abandoned her tormenting of him in favor of searching for a hose or some other way to extinguish the flame. It grew larger and hotter by the second. EpicCrimez ran to the safety of his vehicle to watch.

If this building had ever had a water hose, it had been shut off and removed long ago. Running out of options, Doreen ran back to EpicCrimez. She climbed onto the car and knocked.

The window rolled down an inch. Doreen could probably squeeze through if she was determined to enter, but that wasn't her goal. She pointed to his phone.

"What? What about my followers?" EpicCrimez asked.

Doreen shook her head and did her best to make a "phone" gesture, with her two end fingers out and her paw by her ear.

"Who am I supposed to be calling?"

Doreen sighed and scratched into his window (backwards so he could read it from inside), "Call 911".

"I'm no snitch!" EpicCrimez said while streaming a video of the whole event to the internet.

Doreen squeaked, "If anyone watching can understand me, please call the fire department! Innocent squirrels and homeless people live here!"

"I don't know what you're trying to say to me, but I think I've got enough footage here. Peace out, Squirrel Girl!" EpicCrimez drove away. The movement caused Doreen to fall to the pavement.

As she sat up, a swarm of squirrels entered her vision. Two familiar squirrels led the bunch. "We got all our friends, but it looks like we were too late," the large squirrel said sadly.

Doreen looked back at the fire, which had just reached the building. "Maybe not. Where do you normally get water to drink?"

The smaller squirrel said, "There's a hole in the ground in the back that always collects rainwater. But there won't be nearly enough there to put out a fire that big."

Doreen's mind ran through her usual crisis resolution techniques. Bury the threat in squirrels? Punch the threat? Talk to threat?

She should really add more techniques for nonliving threats.

"Anyone else have any ideas?" Doreen asked.

The other squirrels all answered in the negative. But a voice from behind Doreen said, "I have an idea."

Doreen's eyes lit up. "Nancy! You found me!"

Nancy was standing with Mary and Koi Boi. Tippy Toe sat atop her shoulder, and at her feet were the two squirrels who had left to find her.

"We can catch up later. For now, let's deal with the fire."

Koi Boi said something in Whale, and a few seconds later a shower of water rained down on them.

"How did you do that?" Doreen asked in awe.

"The zoo is next door, and the whale enclosure is actually conveniently close," Koi Boi explained. "But Jenny's job is just to maintain the fire until --"

He was cut off by the sound of sirens. "Oh, that'll be the firefighters!"

"Chipmunk Hunk should be here in a minute," Mary said. "He was just watching the rest of EpicCrimez's stream, in case there were any other updates."

Doreen grinned as she allowed herself to run to Nancy and embrace her in a hug. In her head, it was a dramatic, cinematic moment that went something like this: Squirrel Girl ran in slow motion to Nancy's arms while fire and explosions filled the background. A powerfully sweet song played as they reunited!

In reality, Doreen forgot the leash was still attached to her neck and she managed to trip and tie herself up.

Nancy was kind enough to stifle her chuckle. And kind enough to untangle her.

The firefighters arrived and told Nancy and friends to get off the property. Then they saw the hundreds of squirrels in the yard and sheepishly told them to leave, too.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Doreen enjoyed the familiar surroundings of home that night, but she enjoyed Nancy speaking even more. "So even though I wanted to find where you were, I helped the baby squirrels get back to their mom. After that, I told all the squirrels to keep an eye out for you, and watched for an EpicCrimez update online. I also filed a police report, but apparently 'squirrel kidnapping' isn't a real crime."

"Yeah, I found out that one the hard way, too," Doreen grumbled, but she was still too happy to let any real annoyance show.

"We all watched the livestream, but it still didn't help us find you. We tried tracking his IP address, but he's got some good security."

"That explains why the police don't find him, I guess," Doreen said.

Nancy continued to explain how she'd recognized the zoo outside the car window in EpicCrimez's stream, and then continued watching on her phone as she Ubered there. However, she decided to walk upon hearing Doreen tell the squirrels to find her, so that she could intercept them on their way.

Doreen smiled. "I love how courteous you are to squirrels."

Nancy grinned back. "Only after you showed me how cool they are."

Nancy's phone vibrated and Mary's face appeared on the screen. Nancy answered. "Hello?... Uh, yeah, why?... Yeah... Wait, really?... Really?... You're sure?... Yeah, but... Okay, yeah, come on over."

At Doreen's questioning glance, Nancy said, somewhat needlessly, "Mary's on her way here."

"Why, though?"

"Something in EpicCrimez's video gave her some idea for how to get you back to normal, and she needs DNA samples."

Doreen felt her tail perk up as her eyes widened. "Really? Like, for real she has a way to get me back?"

Nancy smiled and nodded. "Well, she seems sure, at least."

"That's awesome!" Doreen cheered. "I have the best and smartest friends ever!"

There came a knock at the door long before Mary could have reasonably arrived, so Nancy opened it with some confusion.

Mary and Tomas stood in the doorway. "Hey, guys. I decided to take the Chipmunk Hunk Express. I knew having a superhero boyfriend would have it's perks!"

The two made themselves comfortable on the couch. Mary said, "So I've got things almost done. Honestly, I just had to make some tweaks to my original design--"

"Tweaks," Tomas scoffed fondly.

"Alright, just a minor redesign," Mary corrected. "Anyway, I just need some DNA. Hair samples would be the best."

"Hair from my head?" Doreen confirmed with a glance over her currently-very-hairy body. "My brush probably has some."

"Hair and tail," Mary said. "But... probably from your human-sized tail if possible. I don't know how much your DNA changed when you turned into a squirrel."

"Oh. That... might be tricky actually. I did use a different brush for my tail -- Hard bristle brushes are so rough on it! -- but Tippy and I share that one."

Mary looked only slightly less determined than before. "Let's take a look anyway. I really only need a hair or two. You and tippy have different fur colors so I'm sure we can differentiate."

Doreen led the way into her bedroom and haphazardly grabbed both brushes. (The larger, soft-bristle brush fell to the floor so she just sort of pushed it in the general direction of everyone else).

Tomas picked up the fallen brush to examine the clump of fur. "Uh, this one is darker than this one, so I think it's probably Doreen's?"

Nancy checked it. "But that one is more grey. I think it's Tippy's. What about this one?"

Doreen could see the nearly black hair from the floor. "That one is definitely Tippy's. She has a few dark hairs in her tail."

"So do you!" Nancy said, but she placed the hair aside

Mary plucked a bright orange hair from the other brush and joined the rest in their debate. After a few minutes of deliberation, Mary asked, "What about the shower drain?"

Nancy and Doreen both shook their heads. Nancy said, "We have a rule to clear the drain every time we shower. And I've definitely thrown out the trash since the transformation. Also, Doreen has used the shower as a squirrel, too, so at that point we might as well just pull one off her and be done with it."

Mary and Tomas regarded Doreen with looks of "why" and "how" respectively. Doreen twitched her tail. "I may be an animal now but I'm still human. I like showers."

Mary deliberated. "I guess we could just pluck a hair out. The risk of possible mutation is better than a complete DNA mismatch."

Nancy suddenly wore an odd expression and failed to hide the cute blush which darkened her cheeks. "Actually, I think I know where to find a tail hair that's definitely Doreen's."

"Where?" Doreen asked, trying to imagine what in the world Nancy was imagining.

"It's, um, I'll tell you later." Nancy disappeared into her bedroom for a minute and returned with a notebook.

"I couldn't...well, it's in here." Nancy held up the notebook so they could all see the three-inch brown hair taped to the page with a note underneath which read "From Squirrel Girl's Tail (Found On Couch After Movie Marathon)"

"What's this notebook?" Doreen asked.

Nancy didn't acknowledge the question. "I can't get the tape off the paper, but will this work?"

"Sure, hand it over and I'll get the tape off," Mary said. With a long fingernail, Mary carefully peeled back the tape to remove the hair. "Come over tomorrow morning, and I should be able to get you back to normal, Doreen."

"Thanks, Mary!" Doreen said.

Mary excitedly left, jumping onto Tomas's back while she talked excitedly about her ideas. Tomas jumped away with an endearing expression directed toward his girlfriend.

Now that Doreen and Nancy were left alone, Doreen asked, "Why did you tape one of my tail hairs in that notebook?"

Nancy's blush returned. "I, uh… After I met you, I just started keeping track of things I noticed about you. Like… a superhero log, or whatever."

Doreen was momentarily confused until she remembered that "log" had a meaning beyond "fallen trunk of tree".

"Can I see what else is in there?"

"Sure, I guess," Nancy said. "It's kind of embarrassing though."

Doreen started with the first page, which described the bank heist that truly introduced Nancy to Squirrel Girl. She explained how she'd determined Squirrel Girl's identity after recognizing Tippy Toe. The next page was a slightly cartoonish drawing of Doreen's superhero persona, along with notes about each part of her costume.

Other pages grew more unusual in detail, listing things such as her favorite foods, her body measurements (presumably from when Nancy had redesigned her costume), and sweetest of all she'd listed the named of all the squirrels she'd been introduced to.

Throughout the notebook, certain lines had been scribbled out so that Doreen couldn't read what it had originally said. Near the end, one of the scribbled lines was less obscured. It said "...and I can't stop thinking about her."

Doreen stared at the passage to make sure she hadn't misread anything. The page had been detailing Squirrel Girl's personality, and it ended with that line. That small scribbled line which Nancy had tried to conceal, even in this notebook which was expected to remain hidden.

"I can't stop thinking about her."

Chapter Text

UnbeatableSG: Home sweet home!

UnbeatableSG: Suddenly I have a lot of empathy for animals who have to be in cages.

UnbeatableSG: Let your gerbils and hamsters and birds go free!

ImDudeRadTude: What about my goldfish?

UnbeatableSG: You're safe, but you're on thin ice!

StarkManTony: Glad to hear you're safe at home again SG

StarkManTony: I would've come to rescue you but I had my own superhero thing to deal with

UnbeatableSG: It's okay Tony, my friends and I had it covered!

UnbeatableSG: Fingers crossed that I'll be back to normal today!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Doreen stared apprehensively at the strange device Mary had revealed with dramatic flourish. It seemed to be a very large fish tank with a telescopic lens attached. Doreen suddenly didn't have much hope for this attempt to change her back to normal.

Mary was explaining the premise. "I got the idea with the laser you fired in EpicCrimez's video. It didn't just clean that screwdriver. It repaired all the chips in it and even replaced the handle! It reverted it to how it was when it was brand new! It effectively changed the screwdriver into something different."

"So how does that help me?" Doreen wondered.

"Because it gave me an idea! This ray will transform your body into something new, created from the memory of your human/squirrel hybrid DNA."

"And how is this different from what we tried before?" Nancy asked.

Mary grinned. "Because before, we were trying to just change Doreen into a human. This is designed to reverse the old transformation using a pre-existing template. It's the difference between using programmed libraries versus typing all the code by hand. Technically our old technique could have worked, but we were missing some of the necessary lines of code. The machine had no idea what to do. This time, I've given it everything it needs."

Doreen and Nancy exchanged glances. "Well, I do like analogies that reference computers. I guess we might as well give it a chance."

"Hold on," said Nancy, putting her hand in the way of Doreen to stop her from approaching. "You said EpicCrimez's thing made the screwdriver brand new. This won't, like, turn Doreen into a baby or something, will it?"

Doreen considered having to grow up all over again. Would she have her memories still? Or would she be a truly brand new baby Squirrel Girl? She briefly imagined a scenario where her friends had to take care of her. Mary would try to create an aging device the whole time, but Doreen imagined that Nancy would make a great parent. Probably though, they'd just give her back to her parents.

"No, this is different!" Mary assured. "I didn't say the devices were the same. Only that it gave me the idea for this."

"Is there any chance that it could kill me?" Doreen asked.

Mary considered it. "Well, there's never a guarantee when it comes to rewriting DNA. But the risk is less since it's your own DNA, and your body should remember how to form it. Worst case scenario is you become a weird mutated squirrel/human monster."

"That's not too different from what I already was!" Doreen said with a smile. "I'm willing to risk that!"

Mary picked up Doreen and set her in the fish tank, specifying that she should remain in this spot until the transformation was complete. Doreen looked up at the menacing lens overhead, noticing that it wasn't as much like a camera as she'd assumed. It looked similar to a laser pointer, but felt like staring down the barrel of a gun (Not that she hadn't dealt with that exact scenario, but now she didn't have her super strength and rapid healing).

Mary placed the screen over the fish tank, which shouldn't have felt as threatening as it did. As high as the walls were, she was already trapped here; the screen didn't make her more trapped.

The lens lit up with a shrill sound that caused Doreen to cringe. Mary counted down from three. Upon reaching zero, the beam of light encircled Doreen completely, making her feel limp and tingly. Her feet fell out from under her and Doreen laid splayed out like an animal ready for dissection.

She lost all sensation in her body. She couldn't see, hear, or feel anything, and even thinking was a struggle. Eventually, even her thoughts disappeared and everything was gone.

Doreen didn't know how long she was Gone. But when she awoke, she was no longer in the fish tank. She recognized her bedroom, and all her friends around her.

"Did it work?" Doreen examined her hands. Her human hands with the hint of retractable claws at the base of each nail.

"It worked!" Mary exclaimed. "And I bet I could use the machine to change anyone into anything! I need to experiment more!"

Doreen continued to move each limb individually. Her whole body felt sore. But it was her body. Her familiar human-with-squirrel-tail body. As she moved her tail, she cried out in pain. It was still broken.

"Yeah, we need to go back to the vet," Nancy said, noticing where Doreen's attention was.

"Shouldn't I go to the doctor?" Doreen asked, remembering all her childhood visits to various discrete doctors.

Nancy shook her head. "I'd trust a vet more. Human doctors aren't used to operating on animal tails, even ones attached to humans."

So Nancy took Squirrel Girl back to the very confused vet. Doreen couldn't contain her laughter when Nancy marched up to the desk and spoke in a straightforward tone. "I'm here to follow up on my squirrel's broken tail."

The receptionist stared at them as though she were being pranked, looking at Squirrel Girl's Very Obvious tail with some concern. And probably Doreen's laughter made her suspicious. "Do you have the squirrel with you?" The amount of trepidation in her voice made Doreen feel sorry for this receptionist, who has possibly been pranked before.

"Yeah, this is the squirrel. Is the vet available? I have an appointment."

The receptionist didn't manage to conceal her shock. "The tail is real?" After determining that Doreen's tail was, in fact, real, the receptionist checked Nancy into her system and guided them to a pet-friendly waiting area full of chew toys and scratching posts. Doreen mulled over the possibility of strengthening her claws via scratching post, but she wasn't sure if cat claws were different from squirrel claws.

It wasn't long before the vet appeared to lead them into the operating room. "Did something happen? The next checkup wasn't supposed to be for another four days."

"Yeah, I'd say something happened!" exclaimed Doreen in glee.

Nancy gestured toward Doreen. "This is my squirrel. As you can see, she's outgrown her current splints."

Doreen emphasized the statement with a dramatic tail flourish which she immediately regretted. "Ow! Moving it hurts!"

The vet seemed stunned but didn't lose any professionalism while examining the gigantic tail. "It needs to be kept elevated, and as straight as possible so the bones can grow back properly. We'll need to get a new splint. Maybe even an actual cast, since I assume you can sit still better than my usual patients."

"Not likely," Nancy joked under her breath. But Doreen could still hear it with her squirrel hearing, and began laughing, seemingly inexplicably, as far as the vet was aware.

"So I have to leave my tail out in the open?" Doreen asked, wincing slightly at the vet's examination.

"Depends on how you define 'in the open'," the vet said, "since it'll be in a splint."

"Do you know how long?" Doreen asked. "Cause I do have accelerated healing. Maybe I don't even need the splint!"

The vet regarded her sternly. "If it was going to heal on its own, it should have already done so. Lie here and let me take a look."

Doreen obeyed.

The vet fixed up Doreen's tail, attaching her to a three-foot-long splint which kept her tail in an upright position. When she was finally allowed to sit up again, Doreen scratched at the bandaging a little.

"Patients who mess with the bandages have to wear a cone," the vet said in such a deadpan tone that Doreen couldn't determine whether it had been a joke or not.

Nancy thought the idea was hilarious, and Doreen was inclined to agree after imagining a superhero fighting crime while restrained in a cone. Regardless, she kept her hands off her tail.

"Thanks, Doc!"

The vet nodded. "Come back in a few days, or if anything changes."

"Will do!" Doreen exclaimed, excited to return home. As she left, she flinched when the tip of her tail brushed the top of the doorframe.

She and Nancy enjoyed a peaceful stroll. They'd decided against crowding the subway with Doreen's tail, or taking the bumpy Squirrel Girl Express (aka Doreen carrying Nancy and leaping home). As they passed Central Park, they were crowded by squirrels. Many of them were congratulating her on getting back to normal. Some were lamenting the loss of her superior squirrel form. But Lady Acorn-alot pushed herself to the front of the crowd to give a fervent "thank you" for rescuing her kits.

"It was my pleasure!" Doreen said. "And it's not like I haven't been kidnapped by a crazy villain before!"

"I mean it, Squirrel Girl! I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't saved my babies." Lady Acorn-alot said.

"I know. I'm glad they're safe."

As they left the park, Doreen and Nancy talked. "You better not try to make me go to class with my tail out in the open like this!"

Nancy laughed. "I've learned my lesson: super hero weirdness is more important than education."

Doreen shook her head. "Hey! That's not the lesson here! Education is Very Important! It's helped me in a ton of battles!"

"True. I'll try to take good notes for you this time."

"I don't mind some Cat Thor mixed in with my studies, though," Doreen smiled.

Nancy smiled back and the words of her notebook entered Doreen's mind again. I can't stop thinking about her. Doreen loved the way Nancy smiled. The way it made her nose crinkle just so, and the softness in her eyes. And Doreen realized those words went both ways. She couldn't stop thinking about her.

In the silence, Nancy took out her phone to read while walking. Doreen held Nancy's free hand to guide her around obstacles. She'd gotten into the habit during a previous walk, where it truly registered to Doreen that regular humans didn't really have much in the way of peripheral vision.

"So it looks like EpicCrimez isn't being prosecuted for anything."

"Why not?" Doreen wondered.

"It wasn't technically him who started the fire, so they aren't able to punish him for arson or destruction of property. And the owner of the lot isn't suing him for trespassing because they don't care much for the property anyway."

"And squirrel-kidnapping still isn't a crime, either," Doreen said. "So it sounds like we'll still be dealing with him in the future."

"We'll keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't kidnap any more squirrels," Nancy said with a smile.

Doreen grinned back. "Definitely!"

A masculine scream originating from around the next corner startled them both to alertness. They ran to investigate the commotion and found a man trapped beneath a thick metal gate. It seemed to have fallen somehow, crushing his legs in the process.

Doreen and Nancy exchanged split second glances and moved to action. Nancy called emergency responders while Doreen lifted the barrier. It was good to be back in action!

"Are you alright?" Doreen asked.

The man hissed in pain. "I've been better."

She helped him out and waited with Nancy for the ambulance. "I understand the feeling," she said, gesturing to her bandaged tail. The man didn't acknowledge her attempt to lighten the mood.

The ambulance soon arrived, and Doreen and Nancy continued their walk home. Just an average day in the life of a superhero.

Doreen loved squirrels. She loved being one for a few days. But she was glad for things to be back to normal again.