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“...Ela!”
Damn. That dream again.
“Michaela!” I yell. I’m surrounded by a void. All around me is silence. Numerous pairs of eyes stare down upon me judging, waiting. As if Menos himself was present, laughing at my desperate attempts to break free from the void. Every time I struggle, it seems to grow deeper. With every breath I take, the void only grows darker. And those god damn eyes, when I notice them, the glare cuts deep like razors into my skin, drawing fresh, hot blood that begs for forgiveness, only to be ignored.
“Leone.” A stoic voice enters. He is my judge, jury, and executioner. He will forever damn me to this layer of hell.
“Pap” I reply, my voice shaking, every breath burning like hot glass in my lungs. “I’m...sorry. I was foolish! I was wrong!”
“Enough.”
Suddenly out of the corner, a bright light shimmers. It starts out subtle at first, then radiates with an angelic glow. The glow of innocence, youth and tranquility. Jojo and Michaela.
“M... My angels…” I quiver. Something about their angelic presence leaves me speechless, as if I have no choice but to bow to their power. Jojo has grown. Handsomely at that. And Michaela...I have no words. She is beautiful. More than I can even comprehend. She radiates the purity of Mam, her head full of wisdom beyond this world.
“Leone.” They say in unison. The sound of my own name cuts the air harder than any needle I ever injected into myself.
“Don’t say that!” I object, falling to my knees. Tears pooling out of my eyes, I must look pathetic, desperate or even worse, childish. I am childish compared to my own children. “Call me mom...please...call me mom.”
They both look away. This display must be pathetic, but I don’t care. I cannot stop the tears from falling.
“For your sins…”
“No stop...please!”
“Suffer.”
Suddenly the void breaks open, revealing a cliff, desperately I’m struggling to look for something, anything to grab on to as to not fall. But there is nothing, no salvation for my sins. Without a prayer, without a single hope, I fall.
“...eone!” I hear a voice in a distance. It’s silent at first, but gradually grows louder. “Leone!”
Quickly I jolt awake, the sensation unusually painful. Michael is facing me, his face twisted in concern.
“Thank goodness.” He says, breathing a sigh of relief. “You were tossing and turning everything alright?”
“Yeah…” I say slowly, rubbing my eyes, still unsure if this was reality or if I was still dreaming. “I had the dream again…. you know...the one with Michaela and Jojo.”
“Hmm...I see.” He says slowly, as if deep in thought. “Baby, that was ten years ago, you need to let the past go.” He grabs a glass of water from the nightstand and hands it to me. I drink greedily, unaware of how dry my throat was.
“I know.” I say in a small voice, trying to convince myself I honestly believe what I am saying. “But for whatever reason, I can’t. Were we wrong to leave them behind? Jojo? Michaela? Everyone?”
“Jojo was more than capable of taking care of Michaela.” He replies, taking the empty cup from my hand. “You know that. I know that. Your Pap knew that as well. We needed to get away. We needed to live our own lives. I don’t think Michaela or Jojo blame us one bit.”
I sit in silence for a moment, contemplating if he genuinely believes his own words or if he is just trying to make me feel better. Regardless, I can’t help but break into a smile.
“Okay.” I reply. The relief I feel disturbs me, but it provides a temporary escape from the pain. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Of course, I’m right.” He breaks into a smile. “Now take it easy. Let the pain go.” And from the same nightstand that produced the lifegiving water appeared a needle. The cause of all my misery. The cause of all my pain.
“Just a little won’t hurt.” It beckons to me, tempting me.
“I can’t.”
“You know you want to.”
“I’m stronger now.” I argue.
“Are you? Truly?”
With that, I realized the truth. I hadn’t changed one bit. The inferno tempts me just as much today as it did ten years ago. I practically salivate at the thought of the sensation, the thought of letting my pain go. Without further hesitation, I reach for the needle. The memories of Jojo and Michaela are instantly replaced by pure bliss, and with that, I fall into a dreamless sleep.
It was ten years ago when Michael and I left our old lives in Mississippi behind and started a new life of our own. One without children, one without responsibilities and one without the constant noise of the Mississippi River. I still remember our long car ride up North, watching the river that took care of me my whole life rushing past me. Everything I ever knew being replaced by unfamiliar woods and disturbingly unfamiliar plants. There was nothing here Mam would have deemed useful, and the people here are just as cold as the brutal winters that seem to last all year. Nevertheless, I was free like a bird.
The first few years of our new lives were filled was nonstop drugs and partying. We rented a shitty apartment on the shady side of town and quickly filled it with whatever crappy Walmart furniture we could find. Within the first few months, our apartment became the party center in the complex. I barely remember those first few years; meth became my master, and I was the dutiful servant. He took away all the pain, promised me the moon and the stars and like an obedient servant, I followed. Never questioning, always obeying. Until one day, he deeply betrayed me.
I remember the sensation of light trickling in slowly and then disappearing. The normal ebb and flow of time replaced by stillness. I could not feel my legs, my arms, nothing. The only thing I could feel was the cadence of my heart. Speeding up and slowing down. Speeding up and slowing down, like a cheetah on the prowl. Suddenly they appeared to me, Jojo and Michaela, and for the first time, I was swallowed by the void.
“J...Jojo?” I remember saying slowly. He didn’t respond, but the expression on his face said a thousand words. “Why?” it seemed to say. “Even a dog raises their children. Yet, you abandoned us to go live in a fairytale.”
I tried to fight back, I tried to explain myself, but it was as if my mouth was glued shut. All I could do was feel their eyes staring down at me. But as soon as they appeared, suddenly they seemed to disappear, slowly at first and then their presence was replaced by a familiar voice.
“Leone!” The voice called desperately as if it had been calling out into an empty forest for hours with no response. “Leone wake up!”
And just as soon as the void appeared it seemingly disappeared. The eternal darkness replaced by a blinding fluorescent light. I was on the bathroom floor and Michael was holding me tightly in his arms. I had no memory of any event before the void...before seeing my children again.
“M... Michael?” I asked, trying to regain my senses. “What happened?”
“You passed out.” He explained. “You did a lot babe, I was afraid I lost you. Can you stand up?”
My legs felt like Jell-O but were functional enough. “Yeah…” I said, balancing myself on the edge of the vanity. “I’m okay, just had a bit too much, I suppose.”
“Take it easy, Leone.” He replied, caressing me with the sound of his voice. “Don’t hurt yourself.”
I looked away in shame. “Of course.”
But after that moment, I was never the same.
The inferno had brought the memory back of my children, the faces whose image I tried desperately to forget.
I swear that evening, the needle pointed itself in my direction and laughed.
“Your move, Leone.”
I swore after that night, he would never tempt me again. I was going to get clean; I was going to change. But despite me staying sober, night after night their image came to haunt me. With every growing night, the void growing deeper and deeper. More and more, I thought about the events in my children’s lives I was missing out on the birthday parties, Michaela going to school for the first time, and Jojo growing into a handsome young man. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to see them, I had to hear their voices, I had to feel their embrace and smell the sweetness of their skin. I was ready to be a mom and I hoped they were ready for me.
The next day after my dream. Michael left for work as usual leaving me alone with thoughts. The silence of this place was enough to drive anyone nuts and I had a killer headache after breaking my years of sobriety. I had no idea what day it was, let alone year, but as I laid on our crappy couch nursing my headache, I couldn’t help but take a glance at the calendar directly overhead, and what I saw hit me like a punch in the gut: Today was Jojo’s birthday.
I couldn’t believe it; this was my chance. Perhaps this explains the intensity of my dream, perhaps after today, my conscience will be clear. The excitement of the moment brought an instant boost of energy and before I knew it, I was in the kitchen pulling the phone off the wall. My sweet Jojo...how I couldn’t wait to hear his voice again. I imagined how excited he would be to hear my voice, how we would catch up and make plans for me to visit him in Mississippi. I couldn’t wait to hear the roar of the river, the bleating of the goats, and sit down with Pap enjoying a meal he had prepared fresh that day. My heart was beating out of my chest and before I knew it, I was dialing the number I thought I had long forgotten.
The ringing lasted for what seemed like hours, the sound drilling into my ear like an insect you couldn’t swat away.
“Hello?” An unfamiliar voice answered laughter filled the background and I heard the clattering of steel. Pap must have been cooking something.
“Jojo?” I answered. He sounded so grown up, so mature, I wasn’t sure if this was truly him or someone else.
“Yes?” He replied.
Oh my god. It was him.
“Jojo!” I exclaimed, my heart practically leaping out of my chest. “It’s me! Leone! Your mother.”
Silence filled the air, it was as if when he heard my name the laughter faded, the cooking stopped, and the life was gone.
“Oh...hello Leone.”
“Oh my god! You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear your voice again! I didn’t recognize you at first, you sound so mature. Happy birthday.”
The silence became oppressive, the stillness of the air suffocating me with every passing moment.
“Yeah well, people tend to change in ten years.” He replied.
The sentence stung, but I ignored it and continued.
“I missed you so much, my angel. I’ve thought about you and Michaela so much...so much Jojo you have no idea. And Pap...how is he doing? I would love to come down to Mississippi to see everyone. You know, I was thinking I would love to make you a cake. A real cake this time. A beautiful cake, I promise. I’ve actually gotten really good at baking, wait until you see what I can do now...,”
“Leone.” He interrupted. “That’s enough.”
The silence in the air grew more oppressive.
“Huh?”
“You think you can just disappear for ten years, call one day out of the blue and everything be fine?”
“I uh...well.”
“Leone we were fine without you. You don’t know a single thing about us anymore. Nothing. Do you even know anything about Kayla? No of course not. Because you were never her mother, you may have given birth to us, but you are not our mother. Mam was twice the woman you will ever be.”
“Jojo wait…” my voice breaking, trying desperately to hold back tears. “I’ve changed! Trust me I have! I’m ready to be a mom now! I’m so so sorry for what I did back then but I’m different now! You have to believe me!”
I could hear the hatred in his voice. There was no forgiveness. There was no salvation. The distaste in his voice filled the air entered my lungs, pulling every single last breath out from me. My dreams were dead. Gone. I would never see Jojo or Michaela ever again.
“I’m sorry, Leone. Goodbye.”
And with that, he was gone.
I fell to my knees, suddenly unable to stand. The entire world broke from under me. I had nothing left. No children. No hope. No future. I committed a grave sin, and I will forever suffer for it.
The needle faced in my direction, as if beckoning to me. I found myself unable to resist the allure again. I needed the happiness, I needed to feel some joy. I needed to forget.
“I’m always here for you.”
“I know.” I replied.
And with that, I found myself falling forever into the void.