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Norman Price was wandering alone in the forest by himself. He was dreadfully tired and hungry and thirsty and really needed to go to the loo, but alas there was nothing. His entire town had been completely burnt down and all that remained were either ashes or skeletons or the ashes of skeletons. How the hell Norman survived, nobody knew.
Oh well, that didn’t matter now. What did matter is that Norman desperately needed help. But unfortunately, he could not talk to animals like Stanley (AN: LOL GEDDIT IT’S A PLAYHOUSE DISNEY REFERENCE, I KNOW STANLEY AINT BRITISH BUT IT’S STILL A FUNNY PUN), so they were of no use to him.
Finally, after what felt like 69 days but in reality was only 40 minutes, Norman came across a small cottage in the middle of the woods. It looked vaguely like one of those rustic cottages that sometimes showed up in one of his mum’s soap operas but Norman didn’t pay attention to those so he wasn’t sure. He also would’ve questioned why the forest didn’t burn down if he wasn’t desperate for shelter at this moment in time.
Norman ran up to the cottage and desperately knocked on the door. There was no response.
“Is anyone there!” asked Norman as he knocked on the door again. Still no response. Norman was contemplating picking up a rock and smashing the door down with it when the door finally opened.
“Who the wanking buggery are you kid, and why are you being so loud and annoying?” Standing in the doorframe was a short, very fat old woman with grey hair tied back into a kind of messy bun and squinty eyes. She was very cross.
“Sorry to bother you at this hour ma’am” said Norman politely because he didn’t want to annoy her. “But my village burned down and I was the only survivor and I really need a place to stay for the night.”
“Okay fine you can come in I guess,” said the old woman and she let Noman inside. The cottage was small with a table, two chairs, a bed, a Care Bearskin rug, a fireplace, and other simple furnishings. But what really caught Norman’s attention was the pictures and models of trains that were scattered everywhere. The old woman took a seat at the table and Norman followed suit.
“You have quite the nerve to bother an old woman when she’s trying to sleep, Norman Price,” said the old woman. Norman o-mouthed at the revelation.
“How did you know my name?” asked Norman.
“I’m an old woman, and old women are always mysterious and nutty but also very magical and wise,” said the old woman. “Especially if they’re British.” Norman wasn’t entirely sure what to say so he didn’t. “So you say your town was burned down and you were the only survivor?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I said like a few paragraphs ago” explained Norman. “I don’t know what caused the fire but the fire brigade wasn’t able to stop it.” The old woman suddenly opened her eyes and o-mouthed.
“I was afraid this would happen sooner or later…” muttered the old woman as she took a book off of her bookshelf. She put the book on the table and turned to a page with two trains and a large egg with a strange pattern.
“This book foretells an ancient prophecy,” explained the old woman. “An egg of pure evil and malice will be born after the copulation of two lesbian trains who were never meant to exist in this world. Legend says this egg will hatch into the Antichrist and bring about the end of days.” The old woman glared at Norman. “And it has wreaked havoc upon your town, meaning that the end of days is near.” Norman did not know what any of this meant. He did not know what “copulate” meant or how trains could do it or if they could even lay eggs. But he figured it would be better if he did not ask, so he didn’t.
“Oh no” said Norman.
“But now there is hope,” said the old woman. “Because you were the only survivor of the bloody hellspawn’s rampage, there is now somebody who can stop it, and that somebody is you, Norman Price. This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done before in your life, even harder than your maths test last week.”
“Ok” said Norman. “What do I have to do?” The old woman turned to another page, which looked like a child’s stick figure drawings and scribbles.
“To defeat the hellspawn, you will have to go back in time,” said the old woman. “Back before the creature hatched. Then you must collect five items to create the spell that will seal it away. These five ingredients are…………………………………………………………….
A branch from the oldest tree in Greendale Valley
A heart from a pig from the Forbidden Lands
A jar of Tubby Custard from the Tubbydome Supertronic
A golden bell from the hat of an elf
And the last ingredient is a very rare plant from the Night Garden”
“Ok I can do that” said Norman. “I must save my town and me mum.”
“Alright then, here is a map of the places you must go to,” said the old woman as she gave Norman a map and a bag to put the things in. It also looked like a child’s drawing. “When you find the five items, you must bring them to the edge of Sunflower Valley that borders on Bobsville, I will meet you there.” And so, with a thunder and lightning, Norman was magiced away in time. The old woman looked at the audience and grinned.
“THIS IS WHEN THE STORY WILL REALLY BLOODY BEGIN!!!!!!!”
TO BE CONTINUED